Bert Kreischer Robbed A Train With The Russian Mafia | CONAN on TBS
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- Опубліковано 23 січ 2017
- CONAN Highlight: Bert studied abroad in Russia when he was 22 and learned the language the old fashioned way - by joining the mob.
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Bert Kreischer Robbed A Train With The Russian Mafia | CONAN on TBS
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I just imagine a Russian watching this being like “That’s the machine”
The ExplorationS.I I know zhat mozher fuccerr from rrrrusssia.
Not really. Russians, like me, are being like "That's a cringy American fantasy".
@@reekreeker3375 except it actually happened lol. He's got tons of proof to back it up.
@@waldo5574 Where? I'm curious
DaBlaSit social media I think
That can't be Bert Kreischer, he has a shirt on while telling this story.
Oh, but it is Bert Kreischer.
It's Burnt Chrysler
Lol
The FAKEST NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@archdornan6053 Don't be that guy
Some Russian guy is going to be watching this with his son and he'll smile and say "That, my boy. THAT is the Machine."
@Suffer No Fools there would be no reason for the pictures to be uploaded to the internet beforehand, this was the 90s.
I'm russian and he is the machine
And some American guy watching with his son saying, “that guy right there.. he robbed us on a train in Russia. That is the machine”
@@jonpoon3896 Touche
Give the machine vodka and you have good time....... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My Dad lived in Moscow at the same time, managed a casino. Nothing but mafia stories.
@Adam Chlebovec Lol, you probably salty you didn't to experience it
@Adam Chlebovec LMAOO
tell us some pleaseeee
Dude, I am from Russia.
Born 1968, left 1992.
If your dad had been involved in prostitution in Moscow in the 90s, he would have even more "mafia stories".
Interestingly, if your dad had been involved in gambling or prostitution in the US .... guess what kind of stories he would have?
(hint: "MAFIA STORIES")
Also in China.
France.
Australia.
Cuba.
How about everywhere?
Maybe it's more the industry/occupation, and less the location, what do you think?
Hahahahahahahahaha Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
@Adam Chlebovec his dad? What's wrong with owning a casino?
I don't care how many times he tells it, it doesn't get old.
Andrew Elias I heard it on loveline I think about 2007. One of the best stories by a comedian of all time
Andrew Elias where can i find the full story?
Ban The Immortal just look up "bert kreischer the machine"
Ban The Immortal type the machine and half way throw spelling it it will come up. It's amazing
check out when he first told it on Joe Rogans podcast best version
i swear this story would be a kick ass movie
909 _ tonez it could make a good comedy
Comedy/action for sure 👍👌
I’m on it
I mean if you’ve watched Van Wilder it’s loosely based on his life
909 _ tonez short movie****
This sounds like a movie that would star Jonah Hill as “The Machine”.
tbh Seth Rogen would be so much better for that role
Either
Strongly Agree!!
Danny McBride would be perfect. Already sounds looks and acts like him.
No bro jonah is perfect
This is actually what happens in Russia, you gain respect for the mafia then you can do basically whatever you want. And Russian mafia, and cops don’t care
Mafia in russia is much more organised than anywhere else in the world acording to Interpol
it is also the best educated. even in the Russian mafia education is valued very highly. The Red Mafia has a lot of members with PHDs. ua-cam.com/video/3MesqnFXWSI/v-deo.html These guys are ruthless, violent, and intelligent. Most governments can cope with the first 2 but that last 1 triumphs in the long run.
Yeah, cops don't care, until the FSB Alfa team shows up and knocks on your door with explosives 😂
It helps if you can get real drunk and entertain and gain respect through your stories. I can see him falling into that, of course names and exact details are swapped to protect himself and his old friends.
LOL
I have heard this story well over 20 times and it still cracks me up
too bad its bs
Heaviside Sama there’s a picture of him and igor somewhere
Joshua Perry same
Its a funny story but there is a other video of him explaining the story in a podcast but this time he had a friend josh with him who also partied with the gangsters
Joshua Perry I
This story needs to be turned by RockStar into GTA: Russia.
Stephen Ng it could literally be the introduction to the game like 5s intro
There is a mod for sa called Criminal Russia
+Voilin well, yeah, but it's pretty shoddy.
Chris Hansen bro I’m curious am Is this one of thousands videos you comment on or is it this one in particular
It’s called GTA 4
“That liberal arts confidence” 😂
The "science" that doesn't teach you anything useful, but bloats your ego and and makes you a victim, at the same time.
@@SimoExMachina2 dude chill
@@SimoExMachina2 yo calm it's a joke
AMEN
@@SimoExMachina2 You must be a liberal arts graduate! 😂
i wonder if the mafia still remembers him lmao
"Ehhh that's the machine" "Cmere son let me tell you a story about the machine"
THAT'S A BIG DUH! 10-4
@Pink Alien or just boozing out with cops, robbing train carts and robbing people 🤷♂️
Mar y Sol “So young KOMRADE you be like the machine!”
@done done so his classmates photos and posts confirming everything Bert said about this are made up too?
Notice this was a 5 minute story here. Now i love Jimmy Falon, But if he was on his show. This would be 2 hours long with Jimmy constantly interrupting him
If he were on Colbert, Steve would be blaming Trump.
Don't forget the fake laughs and desk-slapping.
"Oh it was 1995?" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "Oh they smoked cigarettes?" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Conan is the best talk show host because he lets the guest tell their stories and keeps his comments on the story to small quibs.
I know this is late, but nah Fallon would’ve interrupted so much that the guest doesn’t even have time to tell the story
So true. I worked 6 weeks in St Petersburg about that time. Mafia ran everything. But they didn't call themselves Mafia, they called themselves business men.
BourbonLegend XD
Chris Hansen he wasn’t saying that it was 100% confirmed that his story was true he was just mentioning that’s it was possible at that time and place. Whereas you seem to not even give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Yeah He’s a comedian and probably made the thing up. Stand ups having been doing it for years making up an interesting story to get a laugh this guy just so happened to strike gold with this story real or not because it’s a funny routine. If he really is a one trick pony he’ll die out in popularity pretty quick just let the guy have his fifteen minutes of fame and stop telling everyone the story that the story is fake and to bring you evidence because other than proving that he did wear a fanny pack they can’t prove it was real
Now if you had actual verifiable proof that He is lying feel free to tell, it would mean absolutely nothing because the story is still funny but at least you’d be happy being right but the fact is I can’t prove it’s real & most probably you can’t prove it’s not
Chris Hansen
“You first sentence is wrong.”
(He did stating reasoning or make an argument at all so I’ll assume this is a child and respond in language.)
Oh yeah You face is WRONG
Anyway jokes aside
Yeah fill free to call my statements wrong but be warned until you actually explain why it’s wrong your statement will be just truthful as calling yourself a Star Destroyer
again you’re assuming.
I said if you have evidence feel free to state that but however you haven’t given evidence as to what makes the story fake except sounding sounding kinda fake. You’ve just been saying it’s fake telling everyone else to give you evidence instead of presenting your own
And yes I’m Bert... (muhaha) obviously UA-cam commenters as we all know are the most important and unbiased critics on the planet and I have come to stop anyone trying to stop my rise to power.
No sadly the real reason I’m here is not nearly that funny
The reason I’m is that I was scrolling through the comments and I got tired of people who forget evidence is a two way bridge in this scenario and ask for evidence and never back up their arguments with fact. People like you who hide behind logic and reason but never put any on display.
Chris Hansen ok so since you are ignoring my requests for reason. Also your statement contradicts itself, why are you telling people it’s fake if everyone knows it. Anyway lack of evidence is not evidence btw. Anyway enough of this
The story was funny.
It was probably fake.
Bert will no doubt fade into obscurity because this is literally the one funny story/joke he has.
I’m done.
Cya.
Ugh hum legitimate businesses men
As russian I just want to say: Wtf, machine? Why are you left us? We can't drink vodka without you.
This are hard times for us pls come back
Lol
What does the "machine" mean actually
@@arnavkhandekar166 it means basically the same as english word. Some mechanism with moving parts. Also it can mean "a car". But when you call some person a machine in russian it also means that he is strong and unstoppable like a mechanism not like a living creature that can feel pain or fear.
I've seen him tell the story AT LEAST 86 times! In person, at the Philly Helium or in New York, or (classically) on JRE or his own podcast.
But I've never seen him try to tell it in under 6 minutes! WTF.......?!?!
I was thinking the same thing. He compressed it down very well, and clearly understood he shouldn't eat up 15 minutes of air time on a talk show. Nice!
or with a shirt on
He's not lying, he is waaaay too excited about it.
I'm from Russia and i can say that it could be the truth
It's totally true
It’s true. There’s actually a picture of him drinking with those same guys in Russia, floating around the internet. Should be easy to find actually
Chris Hansen i was born in 95, and there is no smartphones these days, and photos was not so good
thank you Ivan! somebody had to say it
It's weird that that audience was fckin dead. That story was epic and true. This guy is the fckin MACHINE!
How do you know that it was true?
poppe191 theres a picture of it with the russians
i don't think they were dead, like me, seems like they were listening intently
kotic33 A picture of what? Him robbing a train?
JayTac1 google it lazy turd!
He's gonna be so embarrassed when he realizes he's wearing a shirt
This story NEVER gets old.
I want a bedtiime story
this has to be the best story ever told on CONAN
if it was true :)
DaedalusHelius _ He could be telling the truth and stretching it by the sounds of it. Apparently he's been able to prove the basis of this story. Still cringing seeing Conan completely faking enthusiasm.
he went to russia, end of story, nothing else was true lol clearly
DaedalusHelius | it doesn't need to be true. It's still a great story
DaedalusHelius it's a true story, there's a picture of him with like 4 Russian mafia guys.
"The Machine". Coolest nickname ever.
Yea
This is a masterclass in comedy right here. This story is supposed to be 15-20 minutes long, but he made it happen in under 5, while being asked questions. Bravo big boy!
I want a reunion video of him and his mob friends
They actually met in Russia... Sasha a mafia guy who turned his life around met him... if you look up Bert In Russia 95... the guy in red with a gun in his waste band is the guy.
Ive heard the machine story many times over the years, gets better with age!
Philth- E i almost hear it every other months and i still love it
Same. I've heard it a few times since I discovered Bert awhile back, and it never gets old.
Philth- E is he really mafia 🤣😳
what the hell is wrong with the audience. that story was gold and funny as hell.
it's an american audience, bless their gentle hearts
noiserrr They probably all thought it was bs
Rapt attention.
Lol nah you should have heard the version of him cursing every 4 words 😂
He did not have the time for timing maybe?
Russia in the 90's was like the "wild west" in the USA...It's gotten a little better...now those gangsters are in politics!
marty brown same in Estonia
man... you need to get rid of Putin and give the power back to the people :/ Good luck 🍀 (no sarcasm... I just really hope for a good future for all of us... and for that to happen, some people need to lose power... like Kim Jong-un, Trump, Erdogan, MBS or Putin... 🌏💗🥳)
@@klarastern5597 why trump? What did he do and actually explain.
Huevoscon chorizo 🍭
@@klarastern5597 lol nothing.
I didnt believe this story for a long time until I saw the picture of him and the russians. One of the best pictures in history.
Hi, can u tell me the name of movie?
National Lampoon Van Wilder
This needs to be made into a mini series or a season starring Danny McBride as Bert. Hey Netflix, get off your lazy ass and get this done ASAP.
HeWhoChills you do know Van Wilder is based of this guy right? Look Bert up.
no claim, van wilder is based half on him fool!!! all comedians that know him attest to this even unamed ppl that wrote it know!....
netflix lazy?? lol they dont just buy already existing shows, they make full on productions, you think stranger things is lazy? orange is the new black? half a dozen comedy standups in 2 months is lazy to you???? wow i guess unless you blow uo the world youre not doing much huh?
just because someone says it is doesnt make it so...you are saying bert is so famous they made a movie about him in college, but didnt include any distinguishing information???? berts story and van wilder have ZERO to do with eachother, ZERO..a story about russia and a story about a kid who wont graduate because hes afraid of being an adult.....do they seem to be the same to you? van wilder is national lampoons...you know the people behind movies since before bert even thought about comedy??!!!
Bidwellz9 stop acting like you know what you're talking about
How do some of you not realize that he is only telling this story because people keep asking him to? He has explained this before, he can't even do a show without telling it because people start chanting for the story, and they will be pissed if he doesn't tell it.
Yeah, it's called "Freebird Syndrome"
They ask him as a setup for his material. It's a joke.
@@MuffFlux Its not. Do some research about his story. Shits legit.
@@MuffFlux nah dude, it's 1000% legit with pictures and classmates confirming his story and everything,.
@@MrWongWey I mean, it's a real story but it's also a joke, and it's his material, and they do ask him to set him up for the story. Doesn't really matter if it's real or not in that context.
I wonder if any of those gangsters has ever tried to reach out to him.
They did have a meet up a while back with one of the Mafia guys who pretty much turned a new leaf.
@@ndcentral8194 wait what? Any way you can link me to a video or news article?
Should’ve written a book
“The Machine a tale of one man and the Russian mafia”
He tells the story in his book! Go check out the audible version!
there's a movie soon
Van Wilder is based off this guy
ugly god He said it was loosly based on him. On the Bertcast Episode with Tom Segura and Bill Burr he explains it and also on the last time he was on Joe Rogan Experience Podcast
Six years at FSU - he wasn't studyin' that's for sure.
Dude the producers admitted it
Thomas H Yes they did
Just google it dummy
Conan is gonna party with the Machine tonight
Drunk Savage 399th like😂😂😂😂😂😂
My liver would be dead
*pays off gangsters so they don’t get messed with
*gets robbed by the gangsters
Yes but only the St. Petersburg boys were paid off by the American school. The ones on the train are the Moscow boys, that were only paid by the St. Petersburg to watch over them, but said nothing about Moscow Mafia robbing them, while in the protection of Moscow Mafia 😀 😉
As a eastern european, i love when he tells this story. It's so authentic. We just didn't realize how crazy this was.
Except it’s complete fantasy the only real part is that he went to Russia on a school trip that’s it
No story will ever beat this one. This will be my last talk show clip.
Wait, what?
@@asdgsdgsasghsdhadsr6053 you are kidding right?
Crammer he did
#BertisFat
Any JRE fans up in this bitch?
Aniruddha Sharma #TomisFat
I'm just glassin
Brian Hermann glassin with ya bra (bro).
These cocksuckas know what's up
You already know...
The Machine is a man of focus, commitment, and sheer will.
I'm from Russia, and that's story is hilarious(!!!), and believable too. St. Petersburg was a gangsta paradise 20 years ago.
That's true. For example you can watch film: "brat"
Want to dislike this video.... bc he has a shirt on
Pretty sure he still has a beard.
want to dislike be because gingers don't have souls.
soulless ppl trigger me..
@@StormAlterWorlds WHAT THE HELL IS THAT...GET OFF OF MY FRONT YARD!!!
Real ones know
I've never heard of this guy, but I love him now
David Elkind not to ruin it for you, but this is the only good thing that has come out of his career
not true, tracy morgan story is also awesome
Rad Dog not true
(End of Story)
Conan:
"...How are you not dead?"
Me:
"Never underestimate the bonds of friendship made over alcohol."
Also Me:
(Laughing at Conan's comment)
He tells the story so often and exactly the same each time, so I think it’s 100% genuine
AuzzieArtyst that's the problem. He tells the story way to perfect. Gotta be fake.
Apparently his college classmates confirmed this happened
This story is 100% true believe it or not. His college classmates corroborated it.
the classmates could be lying as well... or he could be exaggerating... but either way I dont care, I still love the story and find it funny
I can't corrobate, idk him. But lived in Russia in 2012. That is a crazy, crazy country where anything goes pretty much.
It's true lmao, there's literally a pic of him as a student standing with the mafia, search it up it's on Google
@@kav3792 ive seen the picture... and that picture only proves that he was there, it doesnt prove or disprove any of the story... that doesnt mean hes lying... hell, I cant even tell where the picture was taken for sure. but like I said before, I love the story and it doesnt matter if its real or fake... 99% of standup is embellished stories (if they didnt, most stories would be boring), and ive heard from many sources that Russia was crazy like that in the 90s... so I wouldnt be surprised if the trip was real and a good bit of it is true, but some was embellished
@@Justin-vr5zn you know what you should do, get a ticket, go to Russia, find Igor and ask if it's true, then get on the train to moscow and find the other Igor
One of the best stories ever told.
Imagine in Russian school they get taught about “the machine”
I have heard Bert tell this story at least 10 different times and it is literally the same. Like this has to be real cuz it never changes😂
There’s photos of him drinking with the Russian Mafia. It’s a true story haha.
Also his class mates confirmed the story.
@@LiamHolloway AWESOME! I didn't know this. Thanks!
I don't think the audience believed the story that's why they are so dead. But it's a true story
This story is so awesome, I love how Conan had to walk him through it like he hadn't already heard it.
I've watched a lot of talk show story moments before but this is easily my favorite.
With Bert I never know whether his stories are true. He's so full of enthusiasm.
A story so crazy you couldn't make it up. Ya know what I think? Throw jokes and booze together with any two very different people....They will find a common language and mutual understanding.
Proven by Cris “Bert is lying about this story in Russia” Hansen
Yea just throw in jokes and booze and a mafia and police and robbing and possibly 10 years in prison and assault on a police officer and yea it’s all common language and mutual understanding
In robbing people hahaha
Darkzz Lord yea definitely nothing silly about a bunch of mobsters who kill people wanting to hang out with bert out of all people come on, I’m not saying it’s fake but it most likely is
@@welhynole4082 they were paid to hang out with them and watch them... they had to watch the class, might as well hang out with a kid they can manipulate into doing crimes for you. but yeah I agree, even if it is "true" and theres pictures and classmates back it up, im sure some of it is exaggerated... but I dont care either way, its a great story and I love the way he tells it
His russisn accent sound like a bad mexican one lmao
alpaca or i'll smack ya Right? you'd think he'd perfect his delivery on the joke he tells in every video haha.
He had to rush it for the show, in his stand-up he does it a little bit better.
Look up the full story.. It's much better paced without his shirt on
No it don’t dumbass
There's a picture of him with the Russian mafia too. Dude is legendary 🤣🤣🤣
His stories never get old! Love him 😂🤣❤
Conan: How are not dead?
Because his story consists of a lot of "Alternative Facts".
His classmates have confirmed this story and even posted pictures of him on the trip with the gangsters.
Qamar Munir you can see pictures of all this on Facebook.
facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10210127442756875&set=p.10210127442756875&type=3&theater
proof
Its all true
so let me get this right?! Russia Mafia 'Gangstas' liked this guy so much......bring him into their crew....have such a good time with him that they decide to bring him along on a heist. Then upon realizing he's been dry snitching on their activities on national tv; they decide that rather than get angry about it....it maybe more enjoyable for them to befriend all his classmates......and use this as an opportunity not only to gain social media exposure but also put a face to the past crimes they have omitted, so that this clown's stories are more relatable
LOLLLLLLLLL
...and you have verified the story.....as there are pictures posted on Facebook of Russians with tattoos clearly tagged as 'Gangsters' so that they are easily distinguishable from this clown's classmates.
----Sorry
I know you are probably like 15 and the above scenario seems not only plausible but undeniable, as ur favorite rappers openly claim gang affiliation lol
Rather continue to be condescending, although it is rather enjoyable. I will leave you with this...
---Organized crime is different from street gangs
---Organized crime in Russia is really different from any other country
---Why? Cause Its predominately made up of ex-soldiers and ex-KGB officers, who found themselves out of a job after the sudden end of the cold war. With their skills and network they don't engage in petty theft.
1/ They sell military grade munitions and equipment, from AK47s to old cold war diesel submarines with or without missiles
2/ They work as enforcers for the Kremlin i.e. government.
-----its not a secret, they are the main reason a lot of these guerrilla movements in 3rd world countries can access munitions.
-------------
The 'so I understand that you're the machine' line gets me every time
Me too
And now he's making a movie about it. I'm constantly confused at how Brent is so successful but then again he's so charismatic just hearing him laugh at his own jokes makes you smile along for the ride.
I love that this is almost word for word (but cut down) the same as his standup version
He's still working this bit.
It's the only bit he needs
not the bit we deserve
Cuckleford Libtardian III It's not a lie there's a picture of him and the gangsters on the fb video.
It's basic supply & command
I mean he had to cut out all the backstory and most of the swearing.
Ahahahaa
Yep ! This could easily happen in Russia in 1990-2000
Heck. Even now, this can happen! if you're "lucky" enough.
That’s not true about what you said in a second part. Yea, it really was in 1999, but 20 years later, I mean now, it can’t be happened. Actually is a Moscow or St,Peterburg and in other major cities
@Antoine Shelby y'all need to do something about Macron. Have any spare guillotines?
This is such a great story and he tells it on everything he's on. I've watched about 6 different variants of this!
Same
@@studentslav3603 I've watched like 40 now mate it's been 2 year lmfao
I rewatch this story at least four times a month.
Or once a week?
Hollyshit I thought this was just a joke it turns out this is actually true story damn.... that's badass
russian zero propoganda :D
I bet the 150 people that disliked this were is his classmates
Rakesh Prasad Dying!!!! 👍👍👍😜😜😜😂😂😂😂😂
13 people i guess.
Exactly😂😂😂😂😂
I always watch him tell this story and its one of my favorites 😂😂😂😂😂
'with that liberal arts confidence"
Haha the Machine story is great. Bert was just starting to pull back on telling the story so much and then it gets 20 million + Facebook views and he's back at square one. It's got a mind of its own. Lol
Im watching it at least once a day for the past few weeks, laughing my ass off every single time. This never gets old! :D
The best story I've heard in my life
I’ll never get tired of this story.
I love how he told the story to Conan in the exact way he told it in standup
That was actually true! I found a few of his friends and his mafia friends. Let me just say, the man was insane. Cudos to you train robber! The Machine will never be forgotten!
This needs to be made into a short film
They're making a movie about this now and I cant wait
Fr?!?!
Fr
Cxdy remixes yes
yetta payne what is it called?
Minnie Alpha there still in writing phase
I'm so happy that berts story finally got the recognition it deserves after telling it on various podcasts like the JRE he finally gets the prime time slot to tell that amazing story 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
I've seen this like a million times on Facebook love it
This deserves a movie
finally the machine we were searching for you our friend for along time
"When it gets dark we have good time." My pick up line for the ladies [wink].
Sounds like Russia alright.
Legend !!! they lowkey turned this into a movie and i could remember was this interview🤣
Burnt Chrysler is still sort of fat
Fernando Candelas but Tom is definitely the water champion.
+nick Morton ...he has to be the champ at something other than being fat.
Fart Screecher.
Fernando Candelas he needs to start hydrating
Lol did he go back to his old weight already ?
The Machine!
the way he said it on the stand up was unbeatable
This story needs to be a movie
He needed to tell that story over a shot of vodka!
THIS IS FREAKING GOLD!
I have listened to this story like 30 times and it’s still fantastic
In America, if your a woman, you don't get slapped
In soviet Russia 3:10
Nice try Chris Brown
Actually Igor spit vodka in her eyes and slammed the door in her face he didn't slap the teacher
I effing love Bert Kreischer. I mean, The Machine.
This is the greatest video I have ever seen.
This story never gets old,lol.....the BEST story EVER!!!!
One of the craziest storys ever told. Love Bert
This is the first interview in awhile where Conan's guest actually made me laugh lmao
You need to watch Bill Burr with Conan interviews.
Chris Hansen Why are you so angry? Who hurt you?
Chris Hansen I do think it's funny. It's funny because it's unexpected and outrageous and very entertaining. Again I ask who hurt you?
Ghost_Dog
This guy MUST have some kind of disorder. Look how many posts he has just arguing with people who DO find this story funny. Just because HE doesn't find it funny/thinks it's untrue, he MUST comment to everyone who DOES enjoy it. Feel kinda sorry for him, must be a pretty depressing life.
Chris Hansen
Well, do you OFTEN dwell on things you find unfunny or unappealing for a prolonged period? Often going back to videos you don't like, just to make sure other people know your opinion of the material? Then yes, you might have some kind of disorder. Especially if you think both of those are normal.
This has to be one of the best stories I've ever heard.
Doesn’t matter if the events in this story is true or not, or even just exaggerated. This is one of the best stories I’ve ever heard.
its a true story but for comedic effect its exaggerated but its all true
Looking forward to the movie.
Reminds me of one of the teachers when I was at school, she was involved in some mafia and some casino related thing.
Too bad the classes I were in weren't taught by her.