Bert Kreischer Robbed A Train With The Russian Mafia | CONAN on TBS

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  • Опубліковано 23 січ 2017
  • CONAN Highlight: Bert studied abroad in Russia when he was 22 and learned the language the old fashioned way - by joining the mob.
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    Bert Kreischer Robbed A Train With The Russian Mafia | CONAN on TBS
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  • Комедії

КОМЕНТАРІ • 2,6 тис.

  • @Tom-ds1kc
    @Tom-ds1kc 4 роки тому +15127

    I just imagine a Russian watching this being like “That’s the machine”

    • @immortal5242
      @immortal5242 4 роки тому +156

      The ExplorationS.I I know zhat mozher fuccerr from rrrrusssia.

    • @reekreeker3375
      @reekreeker3375 4 роки тому +145

      Not really. Russians, like me, are being like "That's a cringy American fantasy".

    • @waldo5574
      @waldo5574 4 роки тому +366

      @@reekreeker3375 except it actually happened lol. He's got tons of proof to back it up.

    • @dablasit
      @dablasit 4 роки тому +34

      @@waldo5574 Where? I'm curious

    • @cameronmeline7331
      @cameronmeline7331 4 роки тому +17

      DaBlaSit social media I think

  • @KTF0
    @KTF0 7 років тому +6801

    That can't be Bert Kreischer, he has a shirt on while telling this story.

  • @washkabe9179
    @washkabe9179 4 роки тому +4102

    Some Russian guy is going to be watching this with his son and he'll smile and say "That, my boy. THAT is the Machine."

    • @napoleonbonerfarte6739
      @napoleonbonerfarte6739 3 роки тому +4

      @Suffer No Fools there would be no reason for the pictures to be uploaded to the internet beforehand, this was the 90s.

    • @marselbikbaev2427
      @marselbikbaev2427 3 роки тому +42

      I'm russian and he is the machine

    • @jonpoon3896
      @jonpoon3896 3 роки тому +69

      And some American guy watching with his son saying, “that guy right there.. he robbed us on a train in Russia. That is the machine”

    • @washkabe9179
      @washkabe9179 3 роки тому +4

      @@jonpoon3896 Touche

    • @andrewcampbell3314
      @andrewcampbell3314 2 роки тому +7

      Give the machine vodka and you have good time....... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • @howardmckenna
    @howardmckenna 5 років тому +4279

    My Dad lived in Moscow at the same time, managed a casino. Nothing but mafia stories.

    • @michaelnguyen9594
      @michaelnguyen9594 4 роки тому +157

      @Adam Chlebovec Lol, you probably salty you didn't to experience it

    • @100ThievesYT
      @100ThievesYT 4 роки тому +3

      @Adam Chlebovec LMAOO

    • @_jimmythesaint
      @_jimmythesaint 4 роки тому +8

      tell us some pleaseeee

    • @RickDeckardMemories
      @RickDeckardMemories 4 роки тому +18

      Dude, I am from Russia.
      Born 1968, left 1992.
      If your dad had been involved in prostitution in Moscow in the 90s, he would have even more "mafia stories".
      Interestingly, if your dad had been involved in gambling or prostitution in the US .... guess what kind of stories he would have?
      (hint: "MAFIA STORIES")
      Also in China.
      France.
      Australia.
      Cuba.
      How about everywhere?
      Maybe it's more the industry/occupation, and less the location, what do you think?
      Hahahahahahahahaha Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • @f4ll3na1m4
      @f4ll3na1m4 4 роки тому +5

      @Adam Chlebovec his dad? What's wrong with owning a casino?

  • @modelcitizen1977
    @modelcitizen1977 7 років тому +5195

    I don't care how many times he tells it, it doesn't get old.

    • @nickmorton2354
      @nickmorton2354 7 років тому +16

      Andrew Elias I heard it on loveline I think about 2007. One of the best stories by a comedian of all time

    • @rubylovesyousm
      @rubylovesyousm 7 років тому +3

      Andrew Elias where can i find the full story?

    • @Red5Dozer
      @Red5Dozer 7 років тому +2

      Ban The Immortal just look up "bert kreischer the machine"

    • @nickmorton2354
      @nickmorton2354 7 років тому +3

      Ban The Immortal type the machine and half way throw spelling it it will come up. It's amazing

    • @pattypcollins
      @pattypcollins 7 років тому +17

      check out when he first told it on Joe Rogans podcast best version

  • @1evol909
    @1evol909 7 років тому +7273

    i swear this story would be a kick ass movie

    • @Galaxic
      @Galaxic 6 років тому +91

      909 _ tonez it could make a good comedy

    • @Jay-bi5uf
      @Jay-bi5uf 5 років тому +65

      Comedy/action for sure 👍👌

    • @JetX42
      @JetX42 5 років тому +13

      I’m on it

    • @ninjaofslo
      @ninjaofslo 5 років тому +28

      I mean if you’ve watched Van Wilder it’s loosely based on his life

    • @jaeminchoi6756
      @jaeminchoi6756 5 років тому +1

      909 _ tonez short movie****

  • @rafael_ledezma8867
    @rafael_ledezma8867 5 років тому +4869

    This sounds like a movie that would star Jonah Hill as “The Machine”.

    • @mattiassandstrom835
      @mattiassandstrom835 5 років тому +173

      tbh Seth Rogen would be so much better for that role

    • @blmusic9249
      @blmusic9249 4 роки тому +15

      Either

    • @AmitShrma078
      @AmitShrma078 4 роки тому +2

      Strongly Agree!!

    • @incognito3817
      @incognito3817 4 роки тому +23

      Danny McBride would be perfect. Already sounds looks and acts like him.

    • @DivineBeaver
      @DivineBeaver 4 роки тому +6

      No bro jonah is perfect

  • @misha8603
    @misha8603 5 років тому +4339

    This is actually what happens in Russia, you gain respect for the mafia then you can do basically whatever you want. And Russian mafia, and cops don’t care

    • @Kattensimba
      @Kattensimba 5 років тому +177

      Mafia in russia is much more organised than anywhere else in the world acording to Interpol

    • @glenncole7909
      @glenncole7909 4 роки тому +125

      it is also the best educated. even in the Russian mafia education is valued very highly. The Red Mafia has a lot of members with PHDs. ua-cam.com/video/3MesqnFXWSI/v-deo.html These guys are ruthless, violent, and intelligent. Most governments can cope with the first 2 but that last 1 triumphs in the long run.

    • @nathangainesy8885
      @nathangainesy8885 4 роки тому +34

      Yeah, cops don't care, until the FSB Alfa team shows up and knocks on your door with explosives 😂

    • @kamw4010
      @kamw4010 4 роки тому +42

      It helps if you can get real drunk and entertain and gain respect through your stories. I can see him falling into that, of course names and exact details are swapped to protect himself and his old friends.

    • @Zetsuke4
      @Zetsuke4 4 роки тому +2

      LOL

  • @JoshuaKevinPerry
    @JoshuaKevinPerry 7 років тому +18544

    I have heard this story well over 20 times and it still cracks me up

    • @jsc1992
      @jsc1992 6 років тому +63

      too bad its bs

    • @SamPower782
      @SamPower782 6 років тому +185

      Heaviside Sama there’s a picture of him and igor somewhere

    • @dylanderting1818
      @dylanderting1818 6 років тому +6

      Joshua Perry same

    • @Freyia935
      @Freyia935 6 років тому +59

      Its a funny story but there is a other video of him explaining the story in a podcast but this time he had a friend josh with him who also partied with the gangsters

    • @isaac5922
      @isaac5922 6 років тому +2

      Joshua Perry I

  • @stephen-ng
    @stephen-ng 7 років тому +5278

    This story needs to be turned by RockStar into GTA: Russia.

    • @rogerlikesbud
      @rogerlikesbud 6 років тому +25

      Stephen Ng it could literally be the introduction to the game like 5s intro

    • @voilin
      @voilin 6 років тому +7

      There is a mod for sa called Criminal Russia

    • @PPWRUP
      @PPWRUP 6 років тому +4

      +Voilin well, yeah, but it's pretty shoddy.

    • @legozeke246
      @legozeke246 6 років тому +1

      Chris Hansen bro I’m curious am Is this one of thousands videos you comment on or is it this one in particular

    • @couriertx
      @couriertx 5 років тому +8

      It’s called GTA 4

  • @mollymojave484
    @mollymojave484 5 років тому +2449

    “That liberal arts confidence” 😂

    • @SimoExMachina2
      @SimoExMachina2 2 роки тому +26

      The "science" that doesn't teach you anything useful, but bloats your ego and and makes you a victim, at the same time.

    • @gregh5061
      @gregh5061 2 роки тому +15

      @@SimoExMachina2 dude chill

    • @zurzakne-etra7069
      @zurzakne-etra7069 2 роки тому +4

      @@SimoExMachina2 yo calm it's a joke

    • @vincentmorrelli3025
      @vincentmorrelli3025 2 роки тому +1

      AMEN

    • @hrv8008
      @hrv8008 2 роки тому +4

      @@SimoExMachina2 You must be a liberal arts graduate! 😂

  • @abelblahblahblah2109
    @abelblahblahblah2109 5 років тому +1860

    i wonder if the mafia still remembers him lmao

    • @hattthecat
      @hattthecat 4 роки тому +236

      "Ehhh that's the machine" "Cmere son let me tell you a story about the machine"

    • @sandmtnirishred
      @sandmtnirishred 4 роки тому +25

      THAT'S A BIG DUH! 10-4

    • @cryinshinji7681
      @cryinshinji7681 4 роки тому +53

      @Pink Alien or just boozing out with cops, robbing train carts and robbing people 🤷‍♂️

    • @Phoenx77
      @Phoenx77 4 роки тому +16

      Mar y Sol “So young KOMRADE you be like the machine!”

    • @rogersartandsolutions5074
      @rogersartandsolutions5074 4 роки тому +19

      @done done so his classmates photos and posts confirming everything Bert said about this are made up too?

  • @metastabillity8991
    @metastabillity8991 6 років тому +4519

    Notice this was a 5 minute story here. Now i love Jimmy Falon, But if he was on his show. This would be 2 hours long with Jimmy constantly interrupting him

    • @ImSonnyBurnett
      @ImSonnyBurnett 5 років тому +223

      If he were on Colbert, Steve would be blaming Trump.

    • @gerhardebenhart6481
      @gerhardebenhart6481 5 років тому +174

      Don't forget the fake laughs and desk-slapping.

    • @dannemannen18
      @dannemannen18 5 років тому +148

      "Oh it was 1995?" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "Oh they smoked cigarettes?" HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • @gustavoespinosa7970
      @gustavoespinosa7970 5 років тому +71

      Conan is the best talk show host because he lets the guest tell their stories and keeps his comments on the story to small quibs.

    • @erronmorgan993
      @erronmorgan993 5 років тому +31

      I know this is late, but nah Fallon would’ve interrupted so much that the guest doesn’t even have time to tell the story

  • @onjofilms
    @onjofilms 7 років тому +7109

    So true. I worked 6 weeks in St Petersburg about that time. Mafia ran everything. But they didn't call themselves Mafia, they called themselves business men.

    • @jiebrielz.abrari2176
      @jiebrielz.abrari2176 6 років тому +15

      BourbonLegend XD

    • @legozeke246
      @legozeke246 6 років тому +52

      Chris Hansen he wasn’t saying that it was 100% confirmed that his story was true he was just mentioning that’s it was possible at that time and place. Whereas you seem to not even give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Yeah He’s a comedian and probably made the thing up. Stand ups having been doing it for years making up an interesting story to get a laugh this guy just so happened to strike gold with this story real or not because it’s a funny routine. If he really is a one trick pony he’ll die out in popularity pretty quick just let the guy have his fifteen minutes of fame and stop telling everyone the story that the story is fake and to bring you evidence because other than proving that he did wear a fanny pack they can’t prove it was real
      Now if you had actual verifiable proof that He is lying feel free to tell, it would mean absolutely nothing because the story is still funny but at least you’d be happy being right but the fact is I can’t prove it’s real & most probably you can’t prove it’s not

    • @legozeke246
      @legozeke246 6 років тому +3

      Chris Hansen
      “You first sentence is wrong.”
      (He did stating reasoning or make an argument at all so I’ll assume this is a child and respond in language.)
      Oh yeah You face is WRONG
      Anyway jokes aside
      Yeah fill free to call my statements wrong but be warned until you actually explain why it’s wrong your statement will be just truthful as calling yourself a Star Destroyer
      again you’re assuming.
      I said if you have evidence feel free to state that but however you haven’t given evidence as to what makes the story fake except sounding sounding kinda fake. You’ve just been saying it’s fake telling everyone else to give you evidence instead of presenting your own
      And yes I’m Bert... (muhaha) obviously UA-cam commenters as we all know are the most important and unbiased critics on the planet and I have come to stop anyone trying to stop my rise to power.
      No sadly the real reason I’m here is not nearly that funny
      The reason I’m is that I was scrolling through the comments and I got tired of people who forget evidence is a two way bridge in this scenario and ask for evidence and never back up their arguments with fact. People like you who hide behind logic and reason but never put any on display.

    • @legozeke246
      @legozeke246 6 років тому +4

      Chris Hansen ok so since you are ignoring my requests for reason. Also your statement contradicts itself, why are you telling people it’s fake if everyone knows it. Anyway lack of evidence is not evidence btw. Anyway enough of this
      The story was funny.
      It was probably fake.
      Bert will no doubt fade into obscurity because this is literally the one funny story/joke he has.
      I’m done.
      Cya.

    • @actinganimal885
      @actinganimal885 6 років тому +2

      Ugh hum legitimate businesses men

  • @uuqurok4359
    @uuqurok4359 4 роки тому +1326

    As russian I just want to say: Wtf, machine? Why are you left us? We can't drink vodka without you.

    • @thedaniel2147
      @thedaniel2147 4 роки тому +38

      This are hard times for us pls come back

    • @uhavemooface
      @uhavemooface 2 роки тому

      Lol

    • @arnavkhandekar166
      @arnavkhandekar166 Рік тому

      What does the "machine" mean actually

    • @user-iy9to9cl9q
      @user-iy9to9cl9q Рік тому +1

      @@arnavkhandekar166 it means basically the same as english word. Some mechanism with moving parts. Also it can mean "a car". But when you call some person a machine in russian it also means that he is strong and unstoppable like a mechanism not like a living creature that can feel pain or fear.

  • @deanjuliano7849
    @deanjuliano7849 4 роки тому +924

    I've seen him tell the story AT LEAST 86 times! In person, at the Philly Helium or in New York, or (classically) on JRE or his own podcast.
    But I've never seen him try to tell it in under 6 minutes! WTF.......?!?!

    • @ashchaya7676
      @ashchaya7676 4 роки тому +69

      I was thinking the same thing. He compressed it down very well, and clearly understood he shouldn't eat up 15 minutes of air time on a talk show. Nice!

    • @Alta368
      @Alta368 4 роки тому +18

      or with a shirt on

  • @sartanko
    @sartanko 7 років тому +3120

    He's not lying, he is waaaay too excited about it.

    • @oorgiy
      @oorgiy 6 років тому +318

      I'm from Russia and i can say that it could be the truth

    • @popeye697
      @popeye697 6 років тому +37

      It's totally true

    • @dwighthalpert8364
      @dwighthalpert8364 6 років тому +321

      It’s true. There’s actually a picture of him drinking with those same guys in Russia, floating around the internet. Should be easy to find actually

    • @oorgiy
      @oorgiy 6 років тому +21

      Chris Hansen i was born in 95, and there is no smartphones these days, and photos was not so good

    • @honestabe7099
      @honestabe7099 6 років тому +3

      thank you Ivan! somebody had to say it

  • @randymonster4105
    @randymonster4105 7 років тому +1068

    It's weird that that audience was fckin dead. That story was epic and true. This guy is the fckin MACHINE!

    • @poppe191
      @poppe191 7 років тому +8

      How do you know that it was true?

    • @kotic33
      @kotic33 7 років тому +35

      poppe191 theres a picture of it with the russians

    • @Sam61493
      @Sam61493 7 років тому +16

      i don't think they were dead, like me, seems like they were listening intently

    • @JayTac1
      @JayTac1 7 років тому +5

      kotic33 A picture of what? Him robbing a train?

    • @randymonster4105
      @randymonster4105 7 років тому +2

      JayTac1 google it lazy turd!

  • @BensBoringVideos
    @BensBoringVideos 4 роки тому +671

    He's gonna be so embarrassed when he realizes he's wearing a shirt

  • @craftyoctober
    @craftyoctober 4 роки тому +327

    This story NEVER gets old.

  • @brandondebruin375
    @brandondebruin375 7 років тому +3868

    this has to be the best story ever told on CONAN

    • @DaedalusHelius
      @DaedalusHelius 7 років тому +8

      if it was true :)

    • @C0M0estas
      @C0M0estas 7 років тому +20

      DaedalusHelius _ He could be telling the truth and stretching it by the sounds of it. Apparently he's been able to prove the basis of this story. Still cringing seeing Conan completely faking enthusiasm.

    • @Bidwellz9
      @Bidwellz9 7 років тому +6

      he went to russia, end of story, nothing else was true lol clearly

    • @brandondebruin375
      @brandondebruin375 7 років тому +6

      DaedalusHelius | it doesn't need to be true. It's still a great story

    • @milwaukeebrewers6337
      @milwaukeebrewers6337 7 років тому +36

      DaedalusHelius it's a true story, there's a picture of him with like 4 Russian mafia guys.

  • @JonasofPersia
    @JonasofPersia 7 років тому +1242

    "The Machine". Coolest nickname ever.

  • @samsam18200
    @samsam18200 Рік тому +27

    This is a masterclass in comedy right here. This story is supposed to be 15-20 minutes long, but he made it happen in under 5, while being asked questions. Bravo big boy!

  • @oneeyedking7465
    @oneeyedking7465 4 роки тому +181

    I want a reunion video of him and his mob friends

    • @vrcmf3172
      @vrcmf3172 3 роки тому +11

      They actually met in Russia... Sasha a mafia guy who turned his life around met him... if you look up Bert In Russia 95... the guy in red with a gun in his waste band is the guy.

  • @Philth_E
    @Philth_E 7 років тому +4385

    Ive heard the machine story many times over the years, gets better with age!

    • @gijs.22
      @gijs.22 6 років тому

      Philth- E i almost hear it every other months and i still love it

    • @bathoryaria4127
      @bathoryaria4127 6 років тому +1

      Same. I've heard it a few times since I discovered Bert awhile back, and it never gets old.

    • @simbauchiha9904
      @simbauchiha9904 5 років тому

      Philth- E is he really mafia 🤣😳

  • @noiserrr
    @noiserrr 7 років тому +2194

    what the hell is wrong with the audience. that story was gold and funny as hell.

    • @enigmatic474
      @enigmatic474 7 років тому +147

      it's an american audience, bless their gentle hearts

    • @MrMejia187
      @MrMejia187 7 років тому +93

      noiserrr They probably all thought it was bs

    • @ProtusMose
      @ProtusMose 7 років тому +6

      Rapt attention.

    • @zacht9056
      @zacht9056 6 років тому +44

      Lol nah you should have heard the version of him cursing every 4 words 😂

    • @Lemme-sniff-ya
      @Lemme-sniff-ya 6 років тому +13

      He did not have the time for timing maybe?

  • @martybrown8559
    @martybrown8559 4 роки тому +463

    Russia in the 90's was like the "wild west" in the USA...It's gotten a little better...now those gangsters are in politics!

    • @toomassaarnaps8437
      @toomassaarnaps8437 4 роки тому

      marty brown same in Estonia

    • @klarastern5597
      @klarastern5597 4 роки тому +10

      man... you need to get rid of Putin and give the power back to the people :/ Good luck 🍀 (no sarcasm... I just really hope for a good future for all of us... and for that to happen, some people need to lose power... like Kim Jong-un, Trump, Erdogan, MBS or Putin... 🌏💗🥳)

    • @huevosconchorizo8404
      @huevosconchorizo8404 4 роки тому +7

      @@klarastern5597 why trump? What did he do and actually explain.

    • @klarastern5597
      @klarastern5597 4 роки тому +2

      Huevoscon chorizo 🍭

    • @huevosconchorizo8404
      @huevosconchorizo8404 4 роки тому +4

      @@klarastern5597 lol nothing.

  • @unknownceleb642
    @unknownceleb642 4 роки тому +101

    I didnt believe this story for a long time until I saw the picture of him and the russians. One of the best pictures in history.

  • @HeWhoChills
    @HeWhoChills 7 років тому +1739

    This needs to be made into a mini series or a season starring Danny McBride as Bert. Hey Netflix, get off your lazy ass and get this done ASAP.

    • @MrDanielSolano007
      @MrDanielSolano007 7 років тому +19

      HeWhoChills you do know Van Wilder is based of this guy right? Look Bert up.

    • @thanosdarkseid8695
      @thanosdarkseid8695 7 років тому

      no claim, van wilder is based half on him fool!!! all comedians that know him attest to this even unamed ppl that wrote it know!....

    • @Bidwellz9
      @Bidwellz9 7 років тому +1

      netflix lazy?? lol they dont just buy already existing shows, they make full on productions, you think stranger things is lazy? orange is the new black? half a dozen comedy standups in 2 months is lazy to you???? wow i guess unless you blow uo the world youre not doing much huh?

    • @Bidwellz9
      @Bidwellz9 7 років тому

      just because someone says it is doesnt make it so...you are saying bert is so famous they made a movie about him in college, but didnt include any distinguishing information???? berts story and van wilder have ZERO to do with eachother, ZERO..a story about russia and a story about a kid who wont graduate because hes afraid of being an adult.....do they seem to be the same to you? van wilder is national lampoons...you know the people behind movies since before bert even thought about comedy??!!!

    • @StatueOfDavid
      @StatueOfDavid 7 років тому +2

      Bidwellz9 stop acting like you know what you're talking about

  • @SouloHigh
    @SouloHigh 7 років тому +1516

    How do some of you not realize that he is only telling this story because people keep asking him to? He has explained this before, he can't even do a show without telling it because people start chanting for the story, and they will be pissed if he doesn't tell it.

    • @Theomite
      @Theomite 5 років тому +66

      Yeah, it's called "Freebird Syndrome"

    • @MuffFlux
      @MuffFlux 5 років тому +5

      They ask him as a setup for his material. It's a joke.

    • @MrWongWey
      @MrWongWey 4 роки тому +16

      @@MuffFlux Its not. Do some research about his story. Shits legit.

    • @michellepietroburgo9141
      @michellepietroburgo9141 4 роки тому +18

      @@MuffFlux nah dude, it's 1000% legit with pictures and classmates confirming his story and everything,.

    • @J4444ke
      @J4444ke 4 роки тому +7

      @@MrWongWey I mean, it's a real story but it's also a joke, and it's his material, and they do ask him to set him up for the story. Doesn't really matter if it's real or not in that context.

  • @DanielFlores-gx7xi
    @DanielFlores-gx7xi 4 роки тому +154

    I wonder if any of those gangsters has ever tried to reach out to him.

    • @ndcentral8194
      @ndcentral8194 3 роки тому +17

      They did have a meet up a while back with one of the Mafia guys who pretty much turned a new leaf.

    • @43110clyde
      @43110clyde 3 роки тому +7

      @@ndcentral8194 wait what? Any way you can link me to a video or news article?

  • @nicholassnyder9552
    @nicholassnyder9552 5 років тому +167

    Should’ve written a book
    “The Machine a tale of one man and the Russian mafia”

    • @lexizager3547
      @lexizager3547 3 роки тому

      He tells the story in his book! Go check out the audible version!

    • @rexjolles
      @rexjolles 3 роки тому

      there's a movie soon

  • @salvararonkolbrunarson7734
    @salvararonkolbrunarson7734 7 років тому +2099

    Van Wilder is based off this guy

    • @Sn0reSnoreDan
      @Sn0reSnoreDan 7 років тому +19

      ugly god He said it was loosly based on him. On the Bertcast Episode with Tom Segura and Bill Burr he explains it and also on the last time he was on Joe Rogan Experience Podcast

    • @We_Reddit
      @We_Reddit 7 років тому +7

      Six years at FSU - he wasn't studyin' that's for sure.

    • @Glowsticks1000
      @Glowsticks1000 7 років тому +25

      Dude the producers admitted it

    • @salvararonkolbrunarson7734
      @salvararonkolbrunarson7734 7 років тому +6

      Thomas H Yes they did

    • @Glowsticks1000
      @Glowsticks1000 7 років тому +3

      Just google it dummy

  • @drunksavage138
    @drunksavage138 7 років тому +827

    Conan is gonna party with the Machine tonight

  • @okkmurph
    @okkmurph 5 років тому +91

    *pays off gangsters so they don’t get messed with
    *gets robbed by the gangsters

    • @frasermackenzie7275
      @frasermackenzie7275 2 роки тому

      Yes but only the St. Petersburg boys were paid off by the American school. The ones on the train are the Moscow boys, that were only paid by the St. Petersburg to watch over them, but said nothing about Moscow Mafia robbing them, while in the protection of Moscow Mafia 😀 😉

  • @raulandrei5410
    @raulandrei5410 4 роки тому +51

    As a eastern european, i love when he tells this story. It's so authentic. We just didn't realize how crazy this was.

    • @mikecandy2830
      @mikecandy2830 Рік тому +2

      Except it’s complete fantasy the only real part is that he went to Russia on a school trip that’s it

  • @jamiewilliamson1588
    @jamiewilliamson1588 7 років тому +391

    No story will ever beat this one. This will be my last talk show clip.

  • @stormrevenant
    @stormrevenant 7 років тому +1904

    #BertisFat
    Any JRE fans up in this bitch?

    • @leopappas
      @leopappas 7 років тому +7

      Aniruddha Sharma #TomisFat

    • @brianhermann9275
      @brianhermann9275 7 років тому +25

      I'm just glassin

    • @dreadseph
      @dreadseph 7 років тому +7

      Brian Hermann glassin with ya bra (bro).

    • @willharter730
      @willharter730 7 років тому +6

      These cocksuckas know what's up

    • @Ebro319
      @Ebro319 7 років тому +1

      You already know...

  • @shadypelican
    @shadypelican 5 років тому +71

    The Machine is a man of focus, commitment, and sheer will.

  • @jeanbaish5971
    @jeanbaish5971 5 років тому +40

    I'm from Russia, and that's story is hilarious(!!!), and believable too. St. Petersburg was a gangsta paradise 20 years ago.

  • @imaginepigeons792
    @imaginepigeons792 7 років тому +2992

    Want to dislike this video.... bc he has a shirt on

    • @StormAlterWorlds
      @StormAlterWorlds 7 років тому +6

      Pretty sure he still has a beard.

    • @MikeTheMGTOWMonk
      @MikeTheMGTOWMonk 6 років тому

      want to dislike be because gingers don't have souls.
      soulless ppl trigger me..

    • @actualfactual8737
      @actualfactual8737 5 років тому

      @@StormAlterWorlds WHAT THE HELL IS THAT...GET OFF OF MY FRONT YARD!!!

    • @T3CHPR135T
      @T3CHPR135T 4 роки тому

      Real ones know

  • @DavidElkind42
    @DavidElkind42 7 років тому +772

    I've never heard of this guy, but I love him now

    • @all-timealien4483
      @all-timealien4483 7 років тому +7

      David Elkind not to ruin it for you, but this is the only good thing that has come out of his career

    • @weeknightwarrior
      @weeknightwarrior 7 років тому +5

      not true, tracy morgan story is also awesome

    • @aceofshade5286
      @aceofshade5286 5 років тому

      Rad Dog not true

  • @caelanmcchesney6794
    @caelanmcchesney6794 4 роки тому +334

    (End of Story)
    Conan:
    "...How are you not dead?"
    Me:
    "Never underestimate the bonds of friendship made over alcohol."
    Also Me:
    (Laughing at Conan's comment)

  • @AuzzieArtyst
    @AuzzieArtyst 5 років тому +13

    He tells the story so often and exactly the same each time, so I think it’s 100% genuine

    • @DeepSingh-om7kq
      @DeepSingh-om7kq 4 роки тому

      AuzzieArtyst that's the problem. He tells the story way to perfect. Gotta be fake.

    • @jameson1239
      @jameson1239 2 роки тому

      Apparently his college classmates confirmed this happened

  • @blossomrusso6457
    @blossomrusso6457 7 років тому +597

    This story is 100% true believe it or not. His college classmates corroborated it.

    • @Justin-vr5zn
      @Justin-vr5zn 5 років тому +10

      the classmates could be lying as well... or he could be exaggerating... but either way I dont care, I still love the story and find it funny

    • @OB.x
      @OB.x 5 років тому +8

      I can't corrobate, idk him. But lived in Russia in 2012. That is a crazy, crazy country where anything goes pretty much.

    • @kav3792
      @kav3792 5 років тому +8

      It's true lmao, there's literally a pic of him as a student standing with the mafia, search it up it's on Google

    • @Justin-vr5zn
      @Justin-vr5zn 5 років тому +2

      @@kav3792 ive seen the picture... and that picture only proves that he was there, it doesnt prove or disprove any of the story... that doesnt mean hes lying... hell, I cant even tell where the picture was taken for sure. but like I said before, I love the story and it doesnt matter if its real or fake... 99% of standup is embellished stories (if they didnt, most stories would be boring), and ive heard from many sources that Russia was crazy like that in the 90s... so I wouldnt be surprised if the trip was real and a good bit of it is true, but some was embellished

    • @kav3792
      @kav3792 5 років тому +6

      @@Justin-vr5zn you know what you should do, get a ticket, go to Russia, find Igor and ask if it's true, then get on the train to moscow and find the other Igor

  • @callum4450
    @callum4450 7 років тому +94

    One of the best stories ever told.

  • @grantwalton9399
    @grantwalton9399 3 роки тому +136

    Imagine in Russian school they get taught about “the machine”

  • @caseysiefert611
    @caseysiefert611 4 роки тому +29

    I have heard Bert tell this story at least 10 different times and it is literally the same. Like this has to be real cuz it never changes😂

    • @LiamHolloway
      @LiamHolloway 4 роки тому +5

      There’s photos of him drinking with the Russian Mafia. It’s a true story haha.

    • @LiamHolloway
      @LiamHolloway 4 роки тому +3

      Also his class mates confirmed the story.

    • @caseysiefert611
      @caseysiefert611 4 роки тому +1

      @@LiamHolloway AWESOME! I didn't know this. Thanks!

  • @James7796ify
    @James7796ify 7 років тому +76

    I don't think the audience believed the story that's why they are so dead. But it's a true story

  • @shadyminion
    @shadyminion 7 років тому +15

    This story is so awesome, I love how Conan had to walk him through it like he hadn't already heard it.

  • @tayyabhadi9285
    @tayyabhadi9285 2 роки тому +3

    I've watched a lot of talk show story moments before but this is easily my favorite.

  • @procs81
    @procs81 5 років тому +5

    With Bert I never know whether his stories are true. He's so full of enthusiasm.

  • @Allagi22
    @Allagi22 7 років тому +475

    A story so crazy you couldn't make it up. Ya know what I think? Throw jokes and booze together with any two very different people....They will find a common language and mutual understanding.

    • @azamatkodzoev9182
      @azamatkodzoev9182 6 років тому +5

      Proven by Cris “Bert is lying about this story in Russia” Hansen

    • @welhynole4082
      @welhynole4082 5 років тому +2

      Yea just throw in jokes and booze and a mafia and police and robbing and possibly 10 years in prison and assault on a police officer and yea it’s all common language and mutual understanding

    • @MartialBorschel
      @MartialBorschel 5 років тому

      In robbing people hahaha

    • @welhynole4082
      @welhynole4082 5 років тому +3

      Darkzz Lord yea definitely nothing silly about a bunch of mobsters who kill people wanting to hang out with bert out of all people come on, I’m not saying it’s fake but it most likely is

    • @Justin-vr5zn
      @Justin-vr5zn 5 років тому +1

      @@welhynole4082 they were paid to hang out with them and watch them... they had to watch the class, might as well hang out with a kid they can manipulate into doing crimes for you. but yeah I agree, even if it is "true" and theres pictures and classmates back it up, im sure some of it is exaggerated... but I dont care either way, its a great story and I love the way he tells it

  • @JibbKarlsen
    @JibbKarlsen 7 років тому +534

    His russisn accent sound like a bad mexican one lmao

    • @JoJoShabadoo314
      @JoJoShabadoo314 7 років тому +6

      alpaca or i'll smack ya Right? you'd think he'd perfect his delivery on the joke he tells in every video haha.

    • @jcthedime
      @jcthedime 5 років тому +9

      He had to rush it for the show, in his stand-up he does it a little bit better.

    • @slickricky769
      @slickricky769 5 років тому +8

      Look up the full story.. It's much better paced without his shirt on

    • @kinglil7552
      @kinglil7552 5 років тому

      No it don’t dumbass

  • @laurenb486
    @laurenb486 3 роки тому +8

    There's a picture of him with the Russian mafia too. Dude is legendary 🤣🤣🤣

  • @jennifergonzalez8706
    @jennifergonzalez8706 4 роки тому +10

    His stories never get old! Love him 😂🤣❤

  • @qamarmunir995
    @qamarmunir995 7 років тому +161

    Conan: How are not dead?
    Because his story consists of a lot of "Alternative Facts".

    • @TheAngryDuckling123
      @TheAngryDuckling123 7 років тому +105

      His classmates have confirmed this story and even posted pictures of him on the trip with the gangsters.

    • @ivanbarreras9445
      @ivanbarreras9445 7 років тому +17

      Qamar Munir you can see pictures of all this on Facebook.

    • @davidmaultsby384
      @davidmaultsby384 7 років тому +57

      facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10210127442756875&set=p.10210127442756875&type=3&theater
      proof

    • @salvararonkolbrunarson7734
      @salvararonkolbrunarson7734 7 років тому +30

      Its all true

    • @KazenoniKakuremi
      @KazenoniKakuremi 7 років тому +8

      so let me get this right?! Russia Mafia 'Gangstas' liked this guy so much......bring him into their crew....have such a good time with him that they decide to bring him along on a heist. Then upon realizing he's been dry snitching on their activities on national tv; they decide that rather than get angry about it....it maybe more enjoyable for them to befriend all his classmates......and use this as an opportunity not only to gain social media exposure but also put a face to the past crimes they have omitted, so that this clown's stories are more relatable
      LOLLLLLLLLL
      ...and you have verified the story.....as there are pictures posted on Facebook of Russians with tattoos clearly tagged as 'Gangsters' so that they are easily distinguishable from this clown's classmates.
      ----Sorry
      I know you are probably like 15 and the above scenario seems not only plausible but undeniable, as ur favorite rappers openly claim gang affiliation lol
      Rather continue to be condescending, although it is rather enjoyable. I will leave you with this...
      ---Organized crime is different from street gangs
      ---Organized crime in Russia is really different from any other country
      ---Why? Cause Its predominately made up of ex-soldiers and ex-KGB officers, who found themselves out of a job after the sudden end of the cold war. With their skills and network they don't engage in petty theft.
      1/ They sell military grade munitions and equipment, from AK47s to old cold war diesel submarines with or without missiles
      2/ They work as enforcers for the Kremlin i.e. government.
      -----its not a secret, they are the main reason a lot of these guerrilla movements in 3rd world countries can access munitions.
      -------------

  • @nicholasgranados7688
    @nicholasgranados7688 6 років тому +36

    The 'so I understand that you're the machine' line gets me every time

  • @philippecote8571
    @philippecote8571 Рік тому +1

    And now he's making a movie about it. I'm constantly confused at how Brent is so successful but then again he's so charismatic just hearing him laugh at his own jokes makes you smile along for the ride.

  • @alwaysbreezy37
    @alwaysbreezy37 2 роки тому +1

    I love that this is almost word for word (but cut down) the same as his standup version

  • @reddchan
    @reddchan 7 років тому +908

    He's still working this bit.

    • @ligitmuffin
      @ligitmuffin 7 років тому +265

      It's the only bit he needs

    • @DamianReloaded
      @DamianReloaded 7 років тому +66

      not the bit we deserve

    • @Euphinful
      @Euphinful 7 років тому +107

      Cuckleford Libtardian III It's not a lie there's a picture of him and the gangsters on the fb video.

    • @ShroomFactory
      @ShroomFactory 7 років тому +14

      It's basic supply & command

    • @murtagh1143
      @murtagh1143 7 років тому +62

      I mean he had to cut out all the backstory and most of the swearing.

  • @Lord_Cointoss
    @Lord_Cointoss 6 років тому +320

    Ahahahaa
    Yep ! This could easily happen in Russia in 1990-2000
    Heck. Even now, this can happen! if you're "lucky" enough.

    • @user-dk9rk5eu3r
      @user-dk9rk5eu3r 5 років тому +12

      That’s not true about what you said in a second part. Yea, it really was in 1999, but 20 years later, I mean now, it can’t be happened. Actually is a Moscow or St,Peterburg and in other major cities

    • @cdressel53191
      @cdressel53191 4 роки тому +3

      @Antoine Shelby y'all need to do something about Macron. Have any spare guillotines?

  • @romanxxxxyoutube
    @romanxxxxyoutube 4 роки тому +13

    This is such a great story and he tells it on everything he's on. I've watched about 6 different variants of this!

  • @3355ag
    @3355ag 5 років тому +3

    I rewatch this story at least four times a month.

  • @ashbro3214
    @ashbro3214 7 років тому +187

    Hollyshit I thought this was just a joke it turns out this is actually true story damn.... that's badass

    • @karolic112
      @karolic112 5 років тому

      russian zero propoganda :D

  • @rakeshprasad2429
    @rakeshprasad2429 7 років тому +194

    I bet the 150 people that disliked this were is his classmates

  • @lindsay725
    @lindsay725 5 років тому +3

    I always watch him tell this story and its one of my favorites 😂😂😂😂😂

  • @manu25109
    @manu25109 4 роки тому +77

    'with that liberal arts confidence"

  • @jmiscstuff8704
    @jmiscstuff8704 7 років тому +197

    Haha the Machine story is great. Bert was just starting to pull back on telling the story so much and then it gets 20 million + Facebook views and he's back at square one. It's got a mind of its own. Lol

  • @lemonslemons6969
    @lemonslemons6969 7 років тому +5

    Im watching it at least once a day for the past few weeks, laughing my ass off every single time. This never gets old! :D

  • @TheStarrySept
    @TheStarrySept 6 років тому +5

    The best story I've heard in my life

  • @calmghosts
    @calmghosts Рік тому

    I’ll never get tired of this story.

  • @tombradystangoat4356
    @tombradystangoat4356 6 років тому +11

    I love how he told the story to Conan in the exact way he told it in standup

  • @radioanimeguy229
    @radioanimeguy229 6 років тому +10

    That was actually true! I found a few of his friends and his mafia friends. Let me just say, the man was insane. Cudos to you train robber! The Machine will never be forgotten!

  • @iassinjar1537
    @iassinjar1537 6 років тому +1

    This needs to be made into a short film

  • @mezlabor
    @mezlabor 4 роки тому +66

    They're making a movie about this now and I cant wait

  • @Ashutt92
    @Ashutt92 7 років тому +8

    I'm so happy that berts story finally got the recognition it deserves after telling it on various podcasts like the JRE he finally gets the prime time slot to tell that amazing story 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

  • @Karim-zd2fs
    @Karim-zd2fs 6 років тому +7

    I've seen this like a million times on Facebook love it

  • @nickburns1455
    @nickburns1455 3 роки тому +1

    This deserves a movie

  • @fares3313
    @fares3313 2 роки тому +1

    finally the machine we were searching for you our friend for along time

  • @olivlogs187
    @olivlogs187 6 років тому +42

    "When it gets dark we have good time." My pick up line for the ladies [wink].

  • @Psycorde
    @Psycorde 7 років тому +189

    Sounds like Russia alright.

  • @AGrizz-qp1wd
    @AGrizz-qp1wd 11 місяців тому +1

    Legend !!! they lowkey turned this into a movie and i could remember was this interview🤣

  • @Fernussy
    @Fernussy 7 років тому +624

    Burnt Chrysler is still sort of fat

    • @nickmorton2354
      @nickmorton2354 7 років тому +34

      Fernando Candelas but Tom is definitely the water champion.

    • @Plague_Doc22
      @Plague_Doc22 7 років тому

      +nick Morton ...he has to be the champ at something other than being fat.

    • @scottishzombie
      @scottishzombie 7 років тому

      Fart Screecher.

    • @stanko8859
      @stanko8859 7 років тому +1

      Fernando Candelas he needs to start hydrating

    • @sterlingsilver4442
      @sterlingsilver4442 7 років тому +1

      Lol did he go back to his old weight already ?

  • @NastyTiger
    @NastyTiger 7 років тому +65

    The Machine!

  • @Fidi69
    @Fidi69 2 роки тому +1

    the way he said it on the stand up was unbeatable

  • @tinygreenguy968
    @tinygreenguy968 5 років тому +1

    This story needs to be a movie

  • @jquick85
    @jquick85 7 років тому +51

    He needed to tell that story over a shot of vodka!

  • @grizzlybear6918
    @grizzlybear6918 7 років тому +8

    THIS IS FREAKING GOLD!

  • @CT_97
    @CT_97 5 років тому

    I have listened to this story like 30 times and it’s still fantastic

  • @TheCart54321
    @TheCart54321 4 роки тому +136

    In America, if your a woman, you don't get slapped
    In soviet Russia 3:10

    • @hlakbrlighthouse1835
      @hlakbrlighthouse1835 3 роки тому +2

      Nice try Chris Brown

    • @fireFOReffect68
      @fireFOReffect68 3 роки тому

      Actually Igor spit vodka in her eyes and slammed the door in her face he didn't slap the teacher

  • @bl6516
    @bl6516 7 років тому +11

    I effing love Bert Kreischer. I mean, The Machine.

  • @gabe5100
    @gabe5100 6 років тому +3

    This is the greatest video I have ever seen.

  • @Liz-cmc313
    @Liz-cmc313 6 років тому

    This story never gets old,lol.....the BEST story EVER!!!!

  • @panini79
    @panini79 Рік тому +1

    One of the craziest storys ever told. Love Bert

  • @TokinTaylor
    @TokinTaylor 7 років тому +16

    This is the first interview in awhile where Conan's guest actually made me laugh lmao

    • @HitmanThunder
      @HitmanThunder 7 років тому +1

      You need to watch Bill Burr with Conan interviews.

    • @xXghostdog77Xx
      @xXghostdog77Xx 6 років тому

      Chris Hansen Why are you so angry? Who hurt you?

    • @xXghostdog77Xx
      @xXghostdog77Xx 6 років тому

      Chris Hansen I do think it's funny. It's funny because it's unexpected and outrageous and very entertaining. Again I ask who hurt you?

    • @madcapglass1454
      @madcapglass1454 6 років тому +1

      Ghost_Dog
      This guy MUST have some kind of disorder. Look how many posts he has just arguing with people who DO find this story funny. Just because HE doesn't find it funny/thinks it's untrue, he MUST comment to everyone who DOES enjoy it. Feel kinda sorry for him, must be a pretty depressing life.

    • @madcapglass1454
      @madcapglass1454 6 років тому +1

      Chris Hansen
      Well, do you OFTEN dwell on things you find unfunny or unappealing for a prolonged period? Often going back to videos you don't like, just to make sure other people know your opinion of the material? Then yes, you might have some kind of disorder. Especially if you think both of those are normal.

  • @shaurya6601
    @shaurya6601 5 років тому +3

    This has to be one of the best stories I've ever heard.

  • @jjbyrd04
    @jjbyrd04 4 роки тому +2

    Doesn’t matter if the events in this story is true or not, or even just exaggerated. This is one of the best stories I’ve ever heard.

    • @JakeTheL3mur
      @JakeTheL3mur 6 місяців тому

      its a true story but for comedic effect its exaggerated but its all true

  • @thatbluepowder
    @thatbluepowder Рік тому +1

    Looking forward to the movie.

  • @Interknetz
    @Interknetz 4 роки тому +7

    Reminds me of one of the teachers when I was at school, she was involved in some mafia and some casino related thing.
    Too bad the classes I were in weren't taught by her.