Narcissist: How I Experience My False Self
Вставка
- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
- An honest and self-aware narcissist would describe his or her inner world this way:
"I experience my False Self through a glass darkly, partition, observer only.
Truthful voices distant, dimmed, echoes.
Depersonalization and derealization.
It serves as a decoy, it "attracts the fire". It is a proxy for the True Self. It is tough as nails and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions. By inventing it, the child develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, smothering, or exploitation - in short: to the abuse - inflicted on him by his parents (or by other Primary Objects in his life). It is an invisibility cloak, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time.
The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think I am. I am someone else. I am this (False) Self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behaviour and attitude towards the narcissist.
Re-Interpretation
It causes the narcissist to re-interpret certain emotions and reactions in a flattering, socially acceptable, light. The narcissist may, for instance, interpret fear as compassion. If the narcissist hurts someone he fears (e.g., an authority figure), he may feel bad afterwards and interpret his discomfort as empathy and compassion or courage, having balls. To be afraid is humiliating - to be compassionate or brave is commendable and earns the narcissist social commendation and understanding (narcissistic supply).
Emulation, Mimicry
The narcissist is possessed of an uncanny ability to psychologically penetrate others. Often, this gift is abused and put at the service of the narcissist's control freakery and sadism. The narcissist uses it liberally to annihilate the natural defences of his victims by faking empathy.
This capacity is coupled with the narcissist's eerie ability to imitate emotions and their attendant behaviours (affect). The narcissist possesses "emotional resonance tables". He keeps records of every action and reaction, every utterance and consequence, every datum provided by others regarding their state of mind and emotional make-up. From these, he then constructs a set of formulas, which often result in impeccably accurate renditions of emotional behaviour. This can be enormously deceiving."
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...
Probably the most profound and utterly heart wrenching videos on narcissism I’ve seen to date and I’ve watched hundreds trying to understand TY for this I hope you find peace knowing that you have helped me and others get to a place of acceptance and detachment After 7 years of loving this man I finally know what I knew all along, that I wasn’t making a dent ✌️🙏💔
@@pugonato that NO amount of love acceptance or EFFORT will “fix” a narcissist That I’ve been pouring myself into an empty vessel for YEARS 😢
@@pugonato YES!! Otherwise you’ll be a hamster on a wheel No matter how fast you run or how long you stop and find yourself right where you began Don’t waste ur precious time!! ✌️
Merci pour votre sincérité notre passage sur terre estexperience universel qui doit avoir un sens un aboutissement j'espère de tous mon cœur que notre peine y servira
Very well described... tq for sharing 🙏🏽 I feel that we should share our experiences to others in whatever capacity we can... It will help create awareness & may help someone's livelihood... Wishing everyone a joyful live a head, stay cool & become the best 💪🏽
☆ Prof. Vaknin, sincere thanks & appreciation to what you do... You have helped me in great significance that I don't have the vocabulary capacity to express my gratitude appropriately, Sir. 🙏🏽
Your deeds are profound & honorable. Much love & respect, God bless ❤ 🫡
- Borneo, Malaysia
Does his final comment refer to liberation as death?
My late husband told me in a rare moment of vulnerability and self reflection "i like the idea of love, but i dont and cant love. When you need empathy from me and love it feels like an attack because I don't have those things to give. I want to be a real boy but im not"
Short time after he realized what he was, he took his own life. In grief i think of him in a heaven and in these thoughts he is always a child. It makes sense because he didnt survive childhood.
Little William deserved to grow and be loved. He existed as a black hole and chose annihilation over living without the false self.
my heart goes out to you & your husband.
Dear Professor Vaknin, You have given me glimpses into the depths of the human psyche that I would not have believed were real. You have enabled me to have some understanding of my narcissistic father who terrified me for 70 years. He is finally gone after 97 years of bone-chilling manipulation of our family. He took my mother’s sanity. He tried to take mine. I was the only person left who would go near him or help him. Thanks to you I was able to stand up to him and call him out from a distance over the telephone. It was a terrible scene. He died two weeks later after some type of neurological incident. You made me see that under all his noise was nothing and no one. I will not go to my grave carrying the shame and terror he inflicted on me. I actually stood up to him. Thank you
YES you did!!! I did the same with mines, just buried him 3 months ago. We are free!! Girrrl celebrate! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Wow! Fantastic job! Well done! 🎉🎉🇬🇧
You are a very courageous man, Sam. I was in hell and utter confusion after my breakup with a pwBPD, and your work quite literally saved my life. You are loved by me and many others, even if it cannot be fully permeated into your being. We are grateful for you.
I have been forced to study narcissism for the past year. I have never seen anything like this. I’m sorry for what you have endured and for what she endures. Thank you for sharing, utterly heartbreaking and spellbinding at the same time.
It's the first time that I see your eyes expressing sensitivity, self pity and compassion for the little boy you used to be. You really made me cry. Thank you for sharing this video❤
Sam! I'm speechless yet flooded..non stop tears and sobs. I think everyone here has said all that I would want to say to you myself. 4 years researching day after day after day. Watching your videos and many many others ..but this one...I am almost breathless gulping for air. I wish and I pray pray pray for anything to stop this in the world. And fix and heal every single soul plagued by such a two faced coping mechanism. Thank you for being you- I know I see at least a chunk of the real you in this video. Your the strongest damaged being I have ever heard speak. If there is anything you can teach us how to help our narcissists and ourselves please continue try. Only you have the power to even come close to real help for both our side of this tragedy and the others in your boat. Even a petition or proposal for foced parenting classes in school or something that you think could help us all..Peace and blessings for all eternity brave soul. Thank you ❤
@@Melissa-gx7ivno offense, but that’s the most narcissistic comment I’ve ever read.
@@Melissa-gx7iv👎
@@hunglikeaslave6793it's actually true, Sam himself has said this.
He is a Narcissist with all that entails.
Attention
Massive Narcissistic supply
Followers
Praise
Likes
Comments
Narcissistic dream!
@@don-eb3fj I so agree with your wonderful comment. Narcissist or not... even if he is functioning as a False Self.... Sam's contributions to helping us understand human psychology DESERVES recognition and gratitude. I always feel gratitude that I did not end up having a life that would have destroyed me, in the way it has Prof. Sam. I have great empathy for these humans, and can comprehend the level of dissociation from Soul may not be reversible while in the human body, the trauma was just too much. So, I am counting on Profs "redemption" when Ego is left behind at his physical departure.
Dear Prof. Vaknin. This is one of the gutsiest things I've ever seen from anyone.
How you mentally apprehend your existence and the waiting abyss and the awareness you live with.Thank you for giving so much.
You have truly made a great and lasting contribution with your work. Those of us on the healing journey have been helped beyond words.
And you deserve peace, love , and healing as much as any living being. Take care.
Sam. This has allowed me to feel more compassion after being so damaged by a narcissist to understand how profound the cut off is from their true self. Thank you thank you thank you for your vulnerability for your truthfulness and for doing this video, you are a beautiful human being.
I am so fortunate to have met you here in this medium of digital communication which has helped me so much to find the compassion I need to be with my loved one
My mother is a narcissist and this really helps me to have compassion towards her (even though I know she will never change)
I hope that your compassion doesn't trap you into a situation where you risk losing yourself, as I almost did. All the compassion in the world will never fix the narcissist or change his behavior.
@@lesley-annsimpson8507there is far too much pain that he would have to face and FEEL in order for the real self to ever emerge. The false self won't let that happen.
Why? They don’t care that you have compassion for them
Completely true. I was diagnosed with covert narcissism in 2020 and it took 3 more years to finally admit that the diagnose was true. I also experienced the same thing during childhood and had to create a coping strategy. A person who didn't care less if my love for my parents was misused and had to be 'the steady rock' in our family supporting my father and mother as well. Impossible for a kid, so the only solution was to push the kid away and become a man that couldn't emotionally be touched. I got angry if my girlfriend or even our kids came to close to my centre of love & care. I played an act for many year (> 30 years), but I don't want to anymore. I want to feel, share, love, feel the warmth of love, etc. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and am in therapy right now.
BRAVO
Best of luck on ur healing journey, journey of self discovery. I'm routing for you. Don't give up the good fight
🤗💚💯🙏🏿
I heard Andrew Tate speak to a therapist once, and he described the same experience of ‘toughing up’
would u say, someone with this diagnosis should have kids?
Prof.Vaknin, you have changed my life for the better daily for nearly two years. Your story sent a riptide of enlightenment into my earliest and last memories of my narcissistic Dad, an only child of a sadistic father and grandiose and often drunk mother who habitually left their preschool-age son and his outlandish imaginary friend locked in the house whenever they worked, partied, or went away for the weekend. My Dad spent his formative years as a goldfish in a dirty bowl with a weekend feeder.
I didn't know until I was in my 30s that Dad's childhood pal and primary caregiver was imaginary until I asked my vainglorious grandmother if she had any pictures of Dad and Eddie. "He made him up." She said, "Go ask him to draw you a picture."
Sam, your video helped me to understand why my Dad's childhood stories were magical Eddie stories. He never mentioned himself or his parents in the stories until Eddie disappeared in 1947, the year Dad started first grade. Alone during winter break, Dad broke a front porch picture window bit by bit, and by 5 a.m. he was outside in 19-degree weather banging on a toy snare drum that woke the neighborhood on December 25 during a snowstorm that knocked the power out. The horror of reality morphed into my Dad's favorite childhood memory; playing drums on Christmas morning and people running through the snow in bathrobes that looked like angel wings.
I don't need a photograph or drawing of Eddie. I have a bronze baby shoe circa 1942 with an adorable, laughing, baby boy wearing an uncomfortable-looking romper with a wonky starched collar trying to keep his fingers together, pressed to his lap. He's the Dad I want to remember. Thank you, Professor Sam Vaknin.
This is an incredibly fascinating and deeply terrifying insight into the nature of self and thus life itself. Theres no more profound horror than how trauma early in life can permanently amputate aspects of ones experience, if not psychologically kill you while your body still has to live for many decades.
I relate to never being really present, i had to derealize and have been stuck in a dreamlike state since ive been a small child.
I also experienced bouts of depersonalization. Never fully, but more than enough to know that there is nothing more hellish than being nothing at all without distracting yourself from it at all times.
It makes perfect sense for a false self to kill someone and use their body as a host.
Taking the leap of faith into nothingness is probably just as horrific as true spiritual enlightenment is fulfilling. But maybe its not or perhaps not permanently. I suppose theoretically thats the way to the other side, whatever that really means.
I suppose im lucky to still have a fairly solid true self but im not living in reality. I suppose im partially dead lol.
Despite those personal deficiencies you so hauntingly and succinctly express, you are an eloquently profound thinker and writer. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts and expressions are moving and appreciated.
Ego death
This is very honest, painful, and true. I loved a man like you from age 16-45 who told me things about his insides that are very much like you're describing. I didn't know about narcissistic personality disorder. I kept thinking I could "love the emptyness out of him". Nope. Now he's hurting our kids by convincing them that I'm a monster for leaving him. We all get to lose, now.
I feel sorry for your plight, but I thank you for saving my life. I discovered you in 2010 and moved out of "his house" in 2012. Best wishes...I mean it.
@@dreamlove361 ? So?
@dreamlove....don't you have some medieval torture techniques to catch up on?
the situation with the kids is unfortunately but.. it was probably the best choice for you personally.
I wasn’t with mine for that long and didn’t have kids either him but “his house” triggered me. Glad you got out and I hope your kids realize who he really is one day. ❤️🩹
What a wonderful teacher you are! You have taught me more about the dark side of psychology than any other teacher. Psychology has been built by outside observation of people. By being the "Inside" man, you have helped us make a great leap in understanding. Being both the objective observer and subjective participant has paid off in spades. You are worth your weight in gold. I'm sorry it has been at your expense. I feel that true self under the surface. It is hidden but still there. I believe in you despite yourself. Take care and keep breathing my friend.
Beautifully put.
Ahem.
Amen
I love you. By saying that I mean I love what I see and hear of what I believe is the real you. What a pity I am 73 years old...had I met you when I was younger I'd have been very interested in you - just as you are! Between you and Brad Pitt? You.
I cannot stop crying, as I sit here thinking about just how so much profound, heart wrenching, insightful information in abundance is provided through an absence of a human.
Whatever it is worth, I am truly sorry for the immeasurable pain, and ultimate death of the little boy who had to stare into the abyss. As a human, it is very difficult to listen to your story and not want to destroy the monsters who denied you of your true self.
How can a person be so aware and still have a false self? I remember standing in my kitchen at about 35 with a crying baby and realising I had prioritised *appearing* to be happy over being happy. The deconstruction and reconstruction started there. My mother never had this epiphany. But having had it myself, I can'tcompletely let go of hope that one day we can communicate honestly, reciprocally. Her firewall protects her false self. I accept being alone pretty much. I don't want to dupe people though. I want them to see what's real. I have a few close friends and that's it.
@ Dr. Sam Vaknin, I’m at work sitting at my computer and I weep for you and for my soon to be ex husband. I’ve never heard (what I suspected and sensed the past 18yrs) described with such heart breaking and succinct words.
I’m so sorry for the horrible pain you experienced at the hands of the one person in the world who should have loved you to life. 😢
Lydia?
@@audreythomas9028I'm Lydia
Thank you for sharing Sam, glad you are here with us today and sharing your knowledge and yourself as much as you are willing too. We appreciate you 🙏🏻
Thank you Sam. I see your true self in your eyes. You are so brave.
I remember.....one night I had a big fight with my ex narcissist I cried, he looked at me.... it was so cold, dark emptiness, nothingness he said, '' Go away, go get a better life!''
Thank you for your candidness Professor Sam. Happy 2025 to you and yours.
This is by far the best discourse on the False Self. Thank you for sharing.🙏
thank you for this. My father was a textbook overt narcissist, I spent four years dating a covert, and I’ll be damned if I don’t think I’m at least carrying some of it around with me, too, at this point. I wish for a better world where no child has to sell his soul to his own terrifying imagination to survive, but seeing this helped me understand, more than anything else to date
Gratitude for sharing this with us. 🙏🏽
I actually cried 😢 He's so good with words, my goodness
My false self emerged during childhood and really took over in adolescence. I still think my true self is a alive and there is a chance to put it back into the driver’s seat, but time is running out. My false self has become so entrenched and made so many life-altering choices regarding my career, (anti-)social life, and hobbies, that it seems impossible to make any big changes now. If they ever find an easy cure for the effects of childhood abuse on the brain, people in the future will look back at us in horror like we do at torture victims in the middle ages. Anyways, nice shirt, Professor.
I really think when i met my husband in 2005, the false self had not fully taken over yet. There are two or three Moments im sure i saw HIM. But some years ago, i Kind of felt, no matter how hatd i try, he doesnt Show up anymore.
I have three wonderful sons, therefore i live with four boys and i cant stop thinking about all those fairytales where the spell is broken, when the witch who put it on him dies. I cant tell how man Times i've pummeld my mother in law in my mind. About 12 years ago i said to my father, that i really need to get a drivers licence, so that i can run over her. He replied " thats my german girl . Obedient of the law. Before you commit murder with your car you must be authorized to drive it."
She hated me the moment i entered the room. She must have sensed i might be the one to get him out there. After my mother ( probably NPD) met her the first time, she said to me: " she doesnt like you. And she defenetly fears you"
I didnt belive her as she has alwqys been scapegoating me and i thought she'd just want to take that from me. And this was metaphorically the moment where my mum handed me the Red toned glasses.
The point is: i still crave to run her over with my car ( drivers licence:check) because i cant get rid of this " kill the witch Break the spell" feeling, so i can vomit out the Apple, fit in the glass shoes, escape the tower behind the thornes with my dwarfs, so shrek and i can live happily ever after... but i gave up on him, when i realized that i failed to save him from drowning and he has sunk to the ground. He will never get back into the boat. And what he had once described as a Monster i cant leave him alone with, will be sailing alone. To nowhere.
@@RoxyMillefck Hugs to you and him. I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how they can. I have not found anyone who claims and does heal them. I have found some people who I believe are capable of healing them -- given the right training.
grief seems to be the key. humans will do almost anything to avoid it but it's the key
@@RoxyMillefck❤beautiful way to describe the sadness and struggles we go through. My mother in law id the same, hates me and adores him and wants him to adore gim. Im German too, and I think our stubbornness is what has made us stick with them for so long.
I had to listen to this in two parts because it is so heart wrenching. I am so sorry Sam, you mean a lot to me, your knowledge has saved me. Blessings. ❤
I can't stop the tears... Anger, sadness and relief all mixed together. For so many years I thought that I've gone mad and I'm the only person in the world who feels the way you described. Thanks so much for sharing.
With a narc, you really can't feel anything for them, from my own experience. (NOt including professor, as he is so much aware and present with himself). But an average narc will try to make you cry for him and feel sorry for his experiences, while deeply inside he is celebrating his (hers) victory over stupid weak crying you, its their food
When my narcissist discarded me, she finally showed me her true self, her false self, and it was utter nothingness. A dark, lightless vacuum. A cold, stone mausoleum. I thought she had projected this horrible sight onto me to punish me, but instead she had drawn me into her as her final goodbye and said, 'Look! This is who I truly am! There's nothing here. Go away.' I will never forget being given that opportunity to gaze upon living hell. That was ten years ago. I have not heard from her since.
I’m glad she’s in your past. If you don’t mind me asking, when you say she showed you her true self, what do you mean? She stopped acting and you saw it in her eyes? Just curious. Hope all is well
@@Jo-lp1px During our relationship she had been a rather gentle person, but in hindsight I now recall the many times she demonstrated her inability to bond. At the end, at the time of discard, she switched from gentle to monstrously cruel and cold. Like a cockroach when the lights go on, as soon as she knew that I knew she had been lying for years, she cut ties instantly, cut all communication and ghosted me. THAT was her true nature.
So well expressed! This was my observation when I was discarded just 2 months ago. It was like a living nightmare! The hateful look on his face when his mask slipped, the cruel and calculated things he said and did to destroy me on every front (over a few weeks prior to the breakup)! Then, during the breakup, he belittled and mocked me and told me he is on a journey of self-improvement (and I am not worthy, despite making sacrifices to support him with his issues). He even spoke to himself and about himself in the third person at one point, as though he was trying to justify his decision to discard me.😮 I am still recovering from the shock..
I hope you are doing well and have only healthy and fulfilling relationships going forward!!!! ✨️
@@loziitta1Your description is very good of a person that is entirely a false self. My brother has changed from the sweet boy he was into an abusive, angry, self absorbed, vien, condescending know it all. My sweet brother has disappeared. Gone. I don't know this thing he has become. I don't want to know him. Sadistic, cruel, dishonest, cowardly, backstabbing and manipulative. Unbelievable really. Really sick. My brother died a long time ago and I didn't know it. I know now. 😢 Sadly. I guess nothing to be done but pray for his lost soul and say good bye.
Snap that happened to me the ex showed me his true self a very short glimpse he said you are strong you will get through this I'm weak a nothing a nobody you deserve to be loved I walked away after 6 years and it's been 6 years of leaving never saw him again.
this video left me speechless.
I just wanted to say that you are helping me a lot, every single day, and I will always be grateful.
Thank you Professor.
Im Sorry for the loss of innocence and unimaginable abuse of which you suffered Sam, no child should have to endure such torture 😔 thank you for your wealth of knowledge and sharing of such profound and personal insights 🙌 I wish you peace ☮️
"There is no love without presence."
There is no authenticity without feeling safe.
There is no presence without authenticity.
There is no love without presence.
Safety > Authenticity > Love
Hi, Sam. I'm autistic so I partially understand you. Thank you for your work.
Yea fr
This makes so much sense with my ex, I would always tell him, “why can’t you ever be present with me?, “you need to meditate” or “you need to align your chakras” (ofc jokingly). I rarely felt love from him and to me presence is the truest form of love… I only felt love when he would tear up and tell me how happy I made him. I knew there was a real human person in there he just couldn’t stay with that emotion long enough to make me feel safe and truly loved. Anyways I’m rambling… this made me put 2&2 together and into perspective. Thank you.
This is fascinating. How many times has the person in my life said "it's not me, it doesn't depend on me to change". I used to think it was a cop out but maybe it's true. It doesn't absolve her from her actions but it sheds a new light.
What a poetic masterpiece! I feel you in my heart
I’m a 75yr old that has loved learning from you. You are so intelligent and I have learned so much from you. I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. I had a very narcissistic mother and I think her behaviour made me believe that I was ‘always wrong’, so my now-exe’s behaviour seemed normal.
I am SO SAD to hear this ‘autobiography’ lesson from you now. I’ve learned and grown so much from you after watching hours of your videos. This is simply heartbreaking. .. as a ‘wife’ I was always trying to believe the best of my narcissist, which only harmed my self-worth. You are so brilliant, your words and explanations have helped so many people and I know you’ve saved so many of us from giving up. Your ‘shared fantasy’ is my wish for you. I’m not a narcissist, but I am a loner because I’ve been exposed to so many narcissistic experiences, I doubt my own true self often. I would like to beg you to Please never give up on yourself, just as I cannot give up. You contribute so much, yet leave nothing for yourself. Your eloquence and intelligence are remarkable. If you can’t find your true self, perhaps create a kinder, self-loving ‘false-self’ because you -in spite of being a true narcissist- have been the best Educator I’ve ever heard. Millions of us are grateful.
I’m pleased to report I’ve dropped from watching several dozen narcissism videos a day to at most a couple a week. I think my loss of interest is the antechamber of indifference, the ultimate healing.
Can't imagine the horrors of the Narcissists inner mind, It's utterly terrifying. It's heartbreaking how bad parenting can alter and ruin their children for the rest of their life. Everyone deserves a real chance at life
There is a silver lining to knowing who you are. You can become a master of setting limits, boundaries, expectations and standards in your relationships, so as not to give anyone a false hope of something that will never be. When people know what you are capable of and not capable of, you're less likely to hurt people that go in without having their eyes open and their mind aware. I find that the best option is to become the person who gives in service to others and is grateful for what they recieve in return, and to keep a very clear barrier between you and that other person so as to not confuse the nature of your relationship (which is personable or professional, but never personal).
you’re so brave to analyse yourself like this. i’ve learnt that kindness and adopting a gentle approach with my husband is better to help him manage his narccism. i know i can’t change him but there is a way of living with someone with this condition. unfortunately it’s a terminal illness.
@@don-eb3fjthe knowledge and informed approach to parenting is quite helpful, you are correct. This is why I made it my life mission to understand. I find in myself that I am superior and special and it's like I see the dark space up ahead but I dare not go near it so I don't lose my real self. I was so close to losing it. Now I help adolescents who come from that environment and help them become aware of it and hopefully have strong defenses in their adult life.
Thank you for this video. I've lived with narcissists all my life and this made me understand it better. My hope to be able to change a narcissist was my own prison. It was a long journey, with lots of pain, to discover in the end that I was just as empty as the narcissist is. I'm dealing with my own challenges now. Self-love.
Me too Namaste ❤
@@jeannieotb8491 ❤️
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining and sharing your life story, I am so sorry this happen to you it should had never happened, regardless of you always saying you have no empathy can't feel love or love anyone your words for me show the opposite you humbled, yourself became vulnerable which are human traits how can you still believe your not human? and lack an identity I think through the 1000's of videos you have so kindly shared with the world when you could have just stayed quiet this is having a purpose in life to make a horrible experience into something good, who did this? If not your trueself when you said I am a Genius I believe you are a special one and not in a grandiose Narcosist way but in a human way yes you did act and have done many mistakes in your life and caused pain to others what are you doing now? Helping strangers understand this disorder and Sir you have done a heroic and wonderful thing When your gone nobody that has had the privilege to know you through your videos will remember you for all the negative traits of Narcosism but for how much you gave of yourself and cared to share. If that is not a Human trait i dont know what is. Maybe since your first video you had an agenda to do this, i watched you throught out the years Mr. Vankin and you have change from a cold man in front of a camera to a delight to see hear and learn so much knowledge. A much better version of yourself i think reading the comments of people has allowed you to feel a connection because you have read our stories and have read our pain. Somehow I knew that man I was sharing my life felt this pain perhaps this is why I allowed the abuse the suffering and literally sacrificed myself to tell him you won't never confess what happened to you but I could feel his pain and I wanted nothing more to convince him it wasn't your fault you were a defensiveness child and what they did was horrible I am validating your suffering I can feel your pain let me help you I want to get you out of this prison I want to love you I tried all sort of ways until exhaustion and At one point felt I love you so much i am willing to die for you . Then my primitive instinct of survival kicked in i realized i am dying with you , you are sucking the life out of me your taking my soul. I don't want to die! I want to live! come with me ! He couldn't I think he truly wanted too but the false self would not let go so I had to let go. I had to come out of the illusion. I had to fight for my life but not all of it was an illusion . Your intentions was not to give false hope. Your testimony said the contrary I believe there is always hope you just demontrated this I think you have implemented your own cold therapy against yourself. YOUR name and this Legacy will live on forever you have helped so many we are truly greatful to you. Shalom.
I believe that there is still someone there. Deep and well hidden, but still there and waiting.
Yes! I do feel that too.
That was harrowing and really helps to understand the tragedy of narcissism for the host.
Listening to this….i almost stopped breathing as the truthfulness, and familiarity of every word hit me!!!!
I felt and heard the words to my life story being spoken….never thinking another could have felt the EXACT same way I have felt!
Really an answer, yes ….a sad answer to 60 years of pain, emptiness, disparity within and complete success, accomplishment and external power, beauty, fame…a narcissist dream you could say.
I’m speechless…
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. This has helped me to understand so much and help me on my road to forgiveness, both of him and myself. Your videos have made such a difference on my journey to heal.
Sam. I’ve learned more about narcissism through this video than any other. Thank you.
People who do that don't know what they are doing--a good therapist knows that they have build a good foundation first, then pull the rug out--I was fortunate to have such a therapist, even though I had other issues, being a victim of a narcissistic family, not a narcissist myself. I am
sure you truly were a cute kid.
Wow. These coping mechanisms that are designed to help us survive are just fascinating, we are so adaptable.
Human beings are such amazing and terrifying creatures.
Sam, I've watched hours and hours of your videos. You've helped me more than any other therapist. Your honesty has been refreshing and freeing. I never would have been able to understand Narcissism the way I do without your sincerity and candor. I've been diagnosed with DID and came from a very evil group of people. I could relate to much of your feelings of indifference and loss of feeling of identity; as well as I felt despair and hopelessness. This video you just made is heart wrenching. I say this out of agape' love. I struggled for years with despair. I know you're not a Christian so I will only write one exact quote. Jesus said that whomsoever falls on this stone shall be broken but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. It's excruciatingly painful to accept the reality of what we've really become but the only true path to knowing who we were meant to be. It's not about religion but relationship. The only real hope for any of us. I hope you will know peace that passes understanding.
Amen 🙏
Tears flowing 😢for the little boy and what he had to do mentally to survive
❤
Sam, thank you. This is the most moving true confession of a narcissist I have ever heard. And I cried for your losses and those of my ex partner and all of you. I knew all this at the end of our relationship, I had to believe that the change I was so much hoping for would never happen. One day, I will always remember, my ex partner, made me feel the emptiness, this is the closest we ever had been because she was nude in front of me; maybe, and only that time, I want to believe, she trusted me. The compassion and love I had for her was immense. I believed, like you Sam, love could be the cure & this why I stayed & prayed & hoped until I could no more, after 15 years I had to choose to honour my own life, or die. I have posted this video on my FB page and I concluded. To my ex: "God bless you, little sweet wonderful innocent child, you'll be always in my heart because I saw you and I've heard the echos of your voice". I hope she read it, even if it will not make a difference.
I cry for that little boy( in my ex) to this day because I saw him and love him.However there comes a time when you realize that no amount of love can save them and you leave. Tragic.
Yes tragic.
The honesty and simplistic approach in this video has me in tears. I now understand. I look forward to being alone to see who I really am without direction or needing to please anyone else but me. It’s scary knowing you are married to someone that you do not trust and that you know wants to hurt you badly. And you know this will never ever change and will always end badly in order to end. This is the deepest collection of words and thoughts that I have ever heard in my life. ‘It’s not religious. It’s diabolical’ yes, I feel like the last 10 years have been a dream. I am awake now for about 2 years. He is shrinking and I am growing.
For someone who can relate to almost word you said in this half an hour video, Sir, This is beyond Redemption. And a raw account on the reality of a narcissist, thank you, sir.
Wow- this massively shifted how I perceive the narcissists in my life. I’ve known it comes from trauma.. but none of them have told me about their trauma or made those links or explained how it felt to be them (or not-them).
Thank you for sharing your painful and honest soul-searching dr. Vaknin, with your amazing eloquence!
Prof. Sam you are really honest and kind I know this as a fact, how you describe and explain your narcissism, your history, and tell me who will say no to money and say sorry this is not the topic I give consultation for ,you did it, who can be that honest when talking about a war in his country, you did it, you are honest and kind Prof.sam. thanks for your efforts.
.. I can't stop crying...I can't help you... thanks for your explanation 🌻
That's pure honesty ...
After over decades of dealing with Narcissists and suffering as s victim receiving their inner guilt, fear, and hatred, after watching hing this video, I feel like I have entered the heavens of understanding like never before. Rather than receiving suffering I feel I can be much more compassionate and gear my responses rather than getting caught in a pathological loop of involvement. Deepest gratitude to you for your clear conveyance of the struggle. ❤️🙏 I pray that your struggle will get easier.
Unlike psychopaths, NPDs are usually incapable of introspection and insight like this 🤔. Approach with caution, no matter how heartbreaking.
He is saying it all for sympathy, even if partly true
@@layn6516 exactly
@@layn6516 Does it matter? It's a youtube video he's not your intimate partner.
@@layn6516 have you watched his videos dumb-dumb?
He is all about exposing and running away from a narcissists for decades.... what is your sympathy going to do for him exactly?
Did you even watch this video?
He is clearly saying again, stay clear away from them (NPD) but you're so out of tune and ready to discredit, that you can't listen and comprehend.
Sounds like severe ptsd
tlThis was a painfully beautiful testimony Professor. Thank you.
This is hauntingly beautiful.
Once I realised this very fact about my ex husband, that's when my freedom and liberation began. It was sudden and incredibly disorienting because I could have never imagined that this was even a possibility for a human being but it's the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I can only hope that people who wish karma upon the narcissist can realise that their very daily existence is karma. There's really no point wishing anything good or bad upon the narcissist because it's a complete waste of time and energy.
Incredible man..your honesty has let me understand the relationship I have just left after nearly losing myself trying to be a decent partner..I understand now in a bit more depth & forgive myself for being drawn in..
Always grateful for you sir for helping us understand the narcissist's experience. I have progressively understood what I went through over the years from your candid exploration of the victim's and narcissist's experience of trauma
As a victim of abuse I am so sorry that things turned out like that.. I my self got borderline from it, and my sister who witnessed got schizotypal. But I am now in remission, this video truly gave me hope but it also made me sad. All the love, Professor ❤
This is the most profound video ive ever heard . Thank you Sam . Its the cherry on top of the cake for me . I can never go back into my mothers fantasy world ever or be gaslit ! I feel its time . IM taking back my POWER !!
I appreciate and thank you, Professor Vaknin for sharing insights that took me 15 years to grasp.
I thought I was going crazy!
I have released him with love to a life that is meaningful to ONLY him and I am free 😢.
Thank you for sharing your life and feelings as a narcissist. So sorry your start in life corrupted and enslaved you to a false self. I have been watching your videos for a couple years now and you always provide the best explanations. Just doing this is of great benefit and service to others, and I for one am very grateful to you for your time in creating them. Obviously none of what happened in your childhood was ever your fault. You may feel like your false self has taken over completely, but I feel another vibration when watching you so I don't believe you are an empty shell. I'm sure you're tired, but you should be proud of your own self-awareness and willingness to educate others. Thank you so much and keep on loving ❤❤❤
For what it's worth, your testimony and eloquent descriptions (and "big ten dollar words") of both your life and narcissism--and related topics--have helped me tremendously through dealing with my own, my father's, and in becoming better equipped to listen, empathise, and understand some of my family's narcissistic tendencies.
It's been a long journey for me and still continues. I feel like I've gained my humanity back--although it tends to slip in and out of existence sometimes (through dissociation and fantasy which meditation has helped me continuously re-recognise).
Thanks for saving those of us who had more time to reverse the curse. 🙏
P.S. I've got to say, you do a really fantastic job of feeling like a human being to me. It feels nice. Hope this doesn't hurt to hear. (Or that this last expression of hope itself doesn't.)
All the best ❤
I was crying throughout the video. Folks, we cannot even imagine the level of pain that is inside Narcissist mind and soul. The way Sam has put all the feelings that a Narcissist might never find words for (because of the denial mode 24*7) and still have to carry a self, that they think is authentic (but is false) is excruciating to any legitimate being. I can't imagine a single second of my life, being in the pain that is inside of them. Whatever trauma happened in their childhood, big or small, the pain that they carry is real. Unfortunately, they cannot be vulnerable otherwise we could have helped them. I truly, through this video, have concluded that their internalised pain, has made them that way, and they do everything to protect, the already false self. I truly feel sorry for the emptiness that is in them, but even after wanting to, cannot feel sorry for the pain that they CAUSE. :(
I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how. I haven't found anyone yet that heals them as I believe it can be done.
Sam, you are the more honest human, to helps us to understand very clear, what is all horrible complexity behind the big masks of the narciso.
@@EmbraceTerrorI'm listening...
@@EmbraceTerrorhow
È da un po che la seguo e in questo video mi ha toccato profondamente. Io mi sono ritrovata completamente nel suo vissuto. Grazie perché mi ha fatto sentire meno sola. L'Italia la saluta con stima
Big respect to you Professor Sam Vaknin, this broke my heart so much bravery right here. Much gratitude for this video and all your help you’ve given me throughout my journey.
What a human story and tragedy - more common than one realises
Oh I can't stop crying. For you Sam, and for my ex. I knew he was damaged, as was I, but I thought he'd be able to be healed out of it with love, support, and therapy like I was. I don't know how I didn't become a narcissist or have any personality disorders myself. I even ask my last two therapists if they're sure I don't.
My childhood and young adulthood was horrific too. But maybe the difference for me was I had one parent that showed me enough love and care to save me from the other parent by divorcing them and not forcing me to see them. Then I got into therapy in my 20s after two failed attempts at relationships. The first was with a psychopathic narcissist that almost unalived me many times. The next was a bi-polar alcoholic that went off his meds, lost his mind and threatened to unalive me also. By my third relationship I was having major issues trying to cope with life.
A part of me thinks I'm strong enough to love my ex, it hurts my heart that he can't feel the love and has to treat me horribly to protect himself. Maybe that's my personality disorder, whatever that's called. I want to love the wounded.
Thank you Sam for sharing this, somehow it changed my perspective enough that although my heart is broken, I feel more at peace and accepting.
How I exp. my false self vid ... Wholy Cow Sam, your insight into yourself is incredible, fascinating to say the least. Edit: Absence masquerating as presence. Awesome words. Sorry to hear about your childhood, no child should have to go through that. You are helping so many understand this disease, and to heal themselves. God speed to you sir.
As a Dismissive Avoidant I can relate to his fear of shame. When the image I have of myself is attacked I get very insecure. It’s my first response to defend the image of myself I want people to believe in. As a DA Shame is probably the scariest emotion emotion I’ve ever encountered.
Dramatic.Elegant. Enlightening. Searing & Endearing.
Thank you for sharing your powerful testimony. I hope you find peace in your life. You are so generous in giving that I hope you shall receive abundantly ❤
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for sharing your story and helping us understand the false self. I used to have a covert narcissist in my life and during the discard phase I was developing myself a false self to cope with the abuse, so I can imagine how it is formed in the proto-narcissist child. Thank you for what you do. Your work and insights are brillant.
I felt just today I am doing the same just to cope with the pain and then I realized that is just a glimpse of what it must have been like for a child lacking language, maturity, and resources.
I think I have narcissistic traits. Having been a gifted child, I succeeded in very selective studies and was always congratulated. My parents didn't offer me any emotional support and I became addicted to being admired by my peers.
I met a boy who told me I was perfect for a few months, only to put me down and insult me in the months that followed. When I left him, I fell in love again with a boy who did exactly the same thing. I was severely depressed. These were the only two people with whom I didn't have my 'false self', but to whom I showed my imperfections and my doubts, and these two people hurt me.
I am now in my early twenties. To rebuild myself, I realise that I've tried to make my inner self disappear: I have the impression that everyone prefers my 'false self' anyway, which has no apparent flaws. There's an 'idea of me' that I'm conforming to, and I don't know how to get out of it.
I think all this is also very much linked to the society we live in, which encourages this kind of behaviour.
Thank you for this very touching and honest video x
(and sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language)
Heartbreaking and yet so helpful on my path to accepting that the love of my life cannot be helped.
I thought i saw the spark of his true self, like a tiny diamond covered in many layers of dirt. Somehow my heart did, maybe only from another life.
Thank you for your articulate honesty, it will help me to find peace.
My journey began with trying to forgive myself which requires understanding. Get out of the maze of too muchlearning and regain your sense of self. Love it protect it. Its there you are one of a kind.
I am so sorry😞💔Immense respect and thank you for your courage and honesty to face and speak your truth💪❣️
Wow, this touches deep parts in my soul. It hurts to hear but also acknowledging it allows to connect to the lost parts of me (still scattered, hiding, reluctant, scared).
I apologize if this suggestion seems mundane. But with your deep insight perhaps an unconditional loving dog may be a start of a trusting relationship. My heart goes out to you for all the intense study you have done with yourself and others……
For me, I was abandoned by my parents as a young teen. In my early 20’s I discovered the unconditional love of my Father in heaven- which truly saved me and gave me hope. (Not perfection)
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I feel you man. I have two kids and been married almost 20 years and nobody knows who I really am. They would think I'm some kind of Emotional Monster.
Get help man. Stop hurting the people who love you. That is just evil.
@@leanne123 I don’t hurt anyone by not telling them I have no real feelings.
@@WhoDoUthinkUryou do though..
@@WhoDoUthinkUrjust because you dont say it doesn’t mean they can’t feel it and that’s driving them crazy
@@vonhelsenSo what should he do about that? :)
It can't be done right?
“A dream” is exactly what my former partner always referred to me as and our love. He was not aware of narcissism but he was unconsciously describing to a tee exactly what you articulate as your experience and of your research.I was never there with him because he was never there with me. It was a but a dream. Always will be. It’s how I’ve been able to approach therapy and find my accountability. I wanted the escape. Until I didn’t. Incredible life lesson for me. No regrets.
This is the best video on narcissism I have ever seen. Hauntingly beautiful and poetic.
It's one thing to learn about narcissism from books and classes but this insight from you is precious and it should be seen by every psychology student.
I could feel your sorrow. You managed to describe your inner world so well that it elevated my understanding of narcissism to the next level - compassion.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and personal story. It's heartbreaking and priceless. 😢❤
I cried at the end when you talked about hoping to be loved enough to flower and discover yourself. The fact that you can't makes me angry at the universe.
he needs to love himself! be aware of his thoughts, don't take them as truths, and show compassion to himself. Nothing comes from the outside, inner work is needed
You are a voice for all the narcissists in my life and for my own responsibilities in maintaining relationships with those that I love. With the larger scale Israel Palestine black hole vacuum that has such a hold on me, I am satisfied with this explanation somehow giving me clarity on where I can rest in perspective, for a least a minute or two.
You are a gift, thank you for having such a conscience, it matters.
Professor, I urge to reconsider that you have truly died, though you may feel that way. I hope you find an truly intimate space where you can scream, cry, and engage with the overwhelming shame and horror that has happenned to you. You have helped me and many others traverse the inner viper and its great deception. Through you I understood the immensity of the challenge of uncoiling this snake, but I'm finding a path back to the source of such extreme invalidation and negation of the self. The trauma you have experienced, though only alluded to, is likely similar if not greater than that of myself and many others here, and through your clarity of mind and the courage to declare yourself incomplete, you have navigated the challenges and deceptions that occur within many of us, and have managed to keep a record of them, which is very rare. You have created a shelter within your brilliant mind but a mind alone does not grant the courage to assail these things as you have, even if you may do it from a detached vantage point. Dare I say you have mastered the didact within you. But the honesty with which you address us has a dual effect of being both validating but also sadistic towards that part that you say has died. Though we can engage with you from afar, and validate you and shower you with praise that is intercepted by the ego, I believe that the courage that you mustered that has helped so many is a remnant of that potential you say you lost, and through that courage you have managed to step away, if not in deed, at least in mind, to provide an honest and essential map of the maze of trauma and all its challenges. I believe that courage could be turned within into a more experiencial, less mental approach. I am not a therapist, I am a musician. I'm not very good, but through self expression I have battled and continue to battle with the monster of that deific all encompassing tyrant of the idealised false self. You have assumed responsibility for what you are now, and that is inmeasurably more than you give yourself credit for, and far more than what most in your position dare to do. If you have hurt others, as I'm sure you have, as I have through inaction, fear and stupidity, I believe that through this you are trying to find redemption, even you if despotically declare that you are beyond it. Please have faith that all the good you brought is also a reflection of another aspect of you that has not been consumed, and find the courage to look at it too. I truly wish you the best, and thank you for all that you have helped me.
Thank You, Thank You for sharing the hard,scary truth you live daily. So we can all try to understand your heart breaking childhood,self. Wishing you true life time compassion, inner peace. Thank You,Thank You, you are very appreciated for teaching us knowledge,and understanding
Very powerful and sad..to Dr Sam Vakinin thank you so much for explaining so fully..to understand..narcissist is not to be pittied..but you shown us in this video.we were not to blame for the abuse.
מצמרר..
תודה סם על האומץ הבלתי נתפס, על הבהירות, השקיפות, על התובנות שכבר שנים עוזרות לי לנווט בין שלל נרקיסיסטים שהיו ועודם בחיי 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Wow! This video was out of this world.
Your personal account of your journey of becoming and being of your false self, I find heartfelt. Your videos have helped me to understand the narcisistic spectrum, in my fight to understand my lover, for understanding brings me closer to the truth of what drives our fantasy time together, and need to be together sometimes, for however long it lasts. I love the fantastical and unusual, the passion, the awakening of myself through him. I recognise the mother in me towards him, my true mother, being narcisistic and the pain I suffered under her care, though had to be a carer to her pains.
Sam, I salute you as a physician for the depth of your understanding and describing the complexity of the inner self with such an outstanding honesty and bravery🙏💐
This is exactly my mother. She has passed but this was exactly how she she was. I learned a lot about her condition because I had to for my own survival. I must say, it is extremely sad. I was by her bedside when she passed at the age of 80, but the person laying there in the bed was no older than a toddler. She died out of her own volition. I think, since I had to buy into her fantasy, I had to learn how to become her, and as a result I, too, felt this vast void within myself. Ten years of therapy with an amazing therapist and the will to endure a lot of emotional pain, helped me gradually overcome the void. An ongoing healing process.
The end. The words you are saying are a punishment to yourself. A punishment for being hopeful. S&M type of behavior. I empathize with it myself.
You’ve helped me a lot. I appreciate you and have a lot of love for you Mr Vaknin
This is the honesty the wold needs to hear. Thank you.