Probably the most profound and utterly heart wrenching videos on narcissism I’ve seen to date and I’ve watched hundreds trying to understand TY for this I hope you find peace knowing that you have helped me and others get to a place of acceptance and detachment After 7 years of loving this man I finally know what I knew all along, that I wasn’t making a dent ✌️🙏💔
@@pugonato YES!! Otherwise you’ll be a hamster on a wheel No matter how fast you run or how long you stop and find yourself right where you began Don’t waste ur precious time!! ✌️
Merci pour votre sincérité notre passage sur terre estexperience universel qui doit avoir un sens un aboutissement j'espère de tous mon cœur que notre peine y servira
Very well described... tq for sharing 🙏🏽 I feel that we should share our experiences to others in whatever capacity we can... It will help create awareness & may help someone's livelihood... Wishing everyone a joyful live a head, stay cool & become the best 💪🏽 ☆ Prof. Vaknin, sincere thanks & appreciation to what you do... You have helped me in great significance that I don't have the vocabulary capacity to express my gratitude appropriately, Sir. 🙏🏽 Your deeds are profound & honorable. Much love & respect, God bless ❤ 🫡 - Borneo, Malaysia
Dear Professor Vaknin, You have given me glimpses into the depths of the human psyche that I would not have believed were real. You have enabled me to have some understanding of my narcissistic father who terrified me for 70 years. He is finally gone after 97 years of bone-chilling manipulation of our family. He took my mother’s sanity. He tried to take mine. I was the only person left who would go near him or help him. Thanks to you I was able to stand up to him and call him out from a distance over the telephone. It was a terrible scene. He died two weeks later after some type of neurological incident. You made me see that under all his noise was nothing and no one. I will not go to my grave carrying the shame and terror he inflicted on me. I actually stood up to him. Thank you
It's the first time that I see your eyes expressing sensitivity, self pity and compassion for the little boy you used to be. You really made me cry. Thank you for sharing this video❤
Sam! I'm speechless yet flooded..non stop tears and sobs. I think everyone here has said all that I would want to say to you myself. 4 years researching day after day after day. Watching your videos and many many others ..but this one...I am almost breathless gulping for air. I wish and I pray pray pray for anything to stop this in the world. And fix and heal every single soul plagued by such a two faced coping mechanism. Thank you for being you- I know I see at least a chunk of the real you in this video. Your the strongest damaged being I have ever heard speak. If there is anything you can teach us how to help our narcissists and ourselves please continue try. Only you have the power to even come close to real help for both our side of this tragedy and the others in your boat. Even a petition or proposal for foced parenting classes in school or something that you think could help us all..Peace and blessings for all eternity brave soul. Thank you ❤
@@hunglikeaslave6793it's actually true, Sam himself has said this. He is a Narcissist with all that entails. Attention Massive Narcissistic supply Followers Praise Likes Comments Narcissistic dream!
@@don-eb3fj I so agree with your wonderful comment. Narcissist or not... even if he is functioning as a False Self.... Sam's contributions to helping us understand human psychology DESERVES recognition and gratitude. I always feel gratitude that I did not end up having a life that would have destroyed me, in the way it has Prof. Sam. I have great empathy for these humans, and can comprehend the level of dissociation from Soul may not be reversible while in the human body, the trauma was just too much. So, I am counting on Profs "redemption" when Ego is left behind at his physical departure.
My late husband told me in a rare moment of vulnerability and self reflection "i like the idea of love, but i dont and cant love. When you need empathy from me and love it feels like an attack because I don't have those things to give. I want to be a real boy but im not" Short time after he realized what he was, he took his own life. In grief i think of him in a heaven and in these thoughts he is always a child. It makes sense because he didnt survive childhood. Little William deserved to grow and be loved. He existed as a black hole and chose annihilation over living without the false self.
Completely true. I was diagnosed with covert narcissism in 2020 and it took 3 more years to finally admit that the diagnose was true. I also experienced the same thing during childhood and had to create a coping strategy. A person who didn't care less if my love for my parents was misused and had to be 'the steady rock' in our family supporting my father and mother as well. Impossible for a kid, so the only solution was to push the kid away and become a man that couldn't emotionally be touched. I got angry if my girlfriend or even our kids came to close to my centre of love & care. I played an act for many year (> 30 years), but I don't want to anymore. I want to feel, share, love, feel the warmth of love, etc. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and am in therapy right now.
Sam. This has allowed me to feel more compassion after being so damaged by a narcissist to understand how profound the cut off is from their true self. Thank you thank you thank you for your vulnerability for your truthfulness and for doing this video, you are a beautiful human being.
I am so fortunate to have met you here in this medium of digital communication which has helped me so much to find the compassion I need to be with my loved one
I hope that your compassion doesn't trap you into a situation where you risk losing yourself, as I almost did. All the compassion in the world will never fix the narcissist or change his behavior.
@@lesley-annsimpson8507there is far too much pain that he would have to face and FEEL in order for the real self to ever emerge. The false self won't let that happen.
You are a very courageous man, Sam. I was in hell and utter confusion after my breakup with a pwBPD, and your work quite literally saved my life. You are loved by me and many others, even if it cannot be fully permeated into your being. We are grateful for you.
This is very honest, painful, and true. I loved a man like you from age 16-45 who told me things about his insides that are very much like you're describing. I didn't know about narcissistic personality disorder. I kept thinking I could "love the emptyness out of him". Nope. Now he's hurting our kids by convincing them that I'm a monster for leaving him. We all get to lose, now. I feel sorry for your plight, but I thank you for saving my life. I discovered you in 2010 and moved out of "his house" in 2012. Best wishes...I mean it.
I wasn’t with mine for that long and didn’t have kids either him but “his house” triggered me. Glad you got out and I hope your kids realize who he really is one day. ❤️🩹
I have been forced to study narcissism for the past year. I have never seen anything like this. I’m sorry for what you have endured and for what she endures. Thank you for sharing, utterly heartbreaking and spellbinding at the same time.
My false self emerged during childhood and really took over in adolescence. I still think my true self is a alive and there is a chance to put it back into the driver’s seat, but time is running out. My false self has become so entrenched and made so many life-altering choices regarding my career, (anti-)social life, and hobbies, that it seems impossible to make any big changes now. If they ever find an easy cure for the effects of childhood abuse on the brain, people in the future will look back at us in horror like we do at torture victims in the middle ages. Anyways, nice shirt, Professor.
I really think when i met my husband in 2005, the false self had not fully taken over yet. There are two or three Moments im sure i saw HIM. But some years ago, i Kind of felt, no matter how hatd i try, he doesnt Show up anymore. I have three wonderful sons, therefore i live with four boys and i cant stop thinking about all those fairytales where the spell is broken, when the witch who put it on him dies. I cant tell how man Times i've pummeld my mother in law in my mind. About 12 years ago i said to my father, that i really need to get a drivers licence, so that i can run over her. He replied " thats my german girl . Obedient of the law. Before you commit murder with your car you must be authorized to drive it." She hated me the moment i entered the room. She must have sensed i might be the one to get him out there. After my mother ( probably NPD) met her the first time, she said to me: " she doesnt like you. And she defenetly fears you" I didnt belive her as she has alwqys been scapegoating me and i thought she'd just want to take that from me. And this was metaphorically the moment where my mum handed me the Red toned glasses. The point is: i still crave to run her over with my car ( drivers licence:check) because i cant get rid of this " kill the witch Break the spell" feeling, so i can vomit out the Apple, fit in the glass shoes, escape the tower behind the thornes with my dwarfs, so shrek and i can live happily ever after... but i gave up on him, when i realized that i failed to save him from drowning and he has sunk to the ground. He will never get back into the boat. And what he had once described as a Monster i cant leave him alone with, will be sailing alone. To nowhere.
@@RoxyMillefck Hugs to you and him. I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how they can. I have not found anyone who claims and does heal them. I have found some people who I believe are capable of healing them -- given the right training.
@@RoxyMillefck❤beautiful way to describe the sadness and struggles we go through. My mother in law id the same, hates me and adores him and wants him to adore gim. Im German too, and I think our stubbornness is what has made us stick with them for so long.
Dear Prof. Vaknin. This is one of the gutsiest things I've ever seen from anyone. How you mentally apprehend your existence and the waiting abyss and the awareness you live with.Thank you for giving so much. You have truly made a great and lasting contribution with your work. Those of us on the healing journey have been helped beyond words. And you deserve peace, love , and healing as much as any living being. Take care.
How can a person be so aware and still have a false self? I remember standing in my kitchen at about 35 with a crying baby and realising I had prioritised *appearing* to be happy over being happy. The deconstruction and reconstruction started there. My mother never had this epiphany. But having had it myself, I can'tcompletely let go of hope that one day we can communicate honestly, reciprocally. Her firewall protects her false self. I accept being alone pretty much. I don't want to dupe people though. I want them to see what's real. I have a few close friends and that's it.
I cannot stop crying, as I sit here thinking about just how so much profound, heart wrenching, insightful information in abundance is provided through an absence of a human. Whatever it is worth, I am truly sorry for the immeasurable pain, and ultimate death of the little boy who had to stare into the abyss. As a human, it is very difficult to listen to your story and not want to destroy the monsters who denied you of your true self.
Thank you Sam. I see your true self in your eyes. You are so brave. I remember.....one night I had a big fight with my ex narcissist I cried, he looked at me.... it was so cold, dark emptiness, nothingness he said, '' Go away, go get a better life!''
When my narcissist discarded me, she finally showed me her true self, her false self, and it was utter nothingness. A dark, lightless vacuum. A cold, stone mausoleum. I thought she had projected this horrible sight onto me to punish me, but instead she had drawn me into her as her final goodbye and said, 'Look! This is who I truly am! There's nothing here. Go away.' I will never forget being given that opportunity to gaze upon living hell. That was ten years ago. I have not heard from her since.
I’m glad she’s in your past. If you don’t mind me asking, when you say she showed you her true self, what do you mean? She stopped acting and you saw it in her eyes? Just curious. Hope all is well
@@Jo-lp1px During our relationship she had been a rather gentle person, but in hindsight I now recall the many times she demonstrated her inability to bond. At the end, at the time of discard, she switched from gentle to monstrously cruel and cold. Like a cockroach when the lights go on, as soon as she knew that I knew she had been lying for years, she cut ties instantly, cut all communication and ghosted me. THAT was her true nature.
So well expressed! This was my observation when I was discarded just 2 months ago. It was like a living nightmare! The hateful look on his face when his mask slipped, the cruel and calculated things he said and did to destroy me on every front (over a few weeks prior to the breakup)! Then, during the breakup, he belittled and mocked me and told me he is on a journey of self-improvement (and I am not worthy, despite making sacrifices to support him with his issues). He even spoke to himself and about himself in the third person at one point, as though he was trying to justify his decision to discard me.😮 I am still recovering from the shock.. I hope you are doing well and have only healthy and fulfilling relationships going forward!!!! ✨️
@@loziitta1Your description is very good of a person that is entirely a false self. My brother has changed from the sweet boy he was into an abusive, angry, self absorbed, vien, condescending know it all. My sweet brother has disappeared. Gone. I don't know this thing he has become. I don't want to know him. Sadistic, cruel, dishonest, cowardly, backstabbing and manipulative. Unbelievable really. Really sick. My brother died a long time ago and I didn't know it. I know now. 😢 Sadly. I guess nothing to be done but pray for his lost soul and say good bye.
Snap that happened to me the ex showed me his true self a very short glimpse he said you are strong you will get through this I'm weak a nothing a nobody you deserve to be loved I walked away after 6 years and it's been 6 years of leaving never saw him again.
@ Dr. Sam Vaknin, I’m at work sitting at my computer and I weep for you and for my soon to be ex husband. I’ve never heard (what I suspected and sensed the past 18yrs) described with such heart breaking and succinct words. I’m so sorry for the horrible pain you experienced at the hands of the one person in the world who should have loved you to life. 😢
There is no authenticity without feeling safe. There is no presence without authenticity. There is no love without presence. Safety > Authenticity > Love
Prof.Vaknin, you have changed my life for the better daily for nearly two years. Your story sent a riptide of enlightenment into my earliest and last memories of my narcissistic Dad, an only child of a sadistic father and grandiose and often drunk mother who habitually left their preschool-age son and his outlandish imaginary friend locked in the house whenever they worked, partied, or went away for the weekend. My Dad spent his formative years as a goldfish in a dirty bowl with a weekend feeder. I didn't know until I was in my 30s that Dad's childhood pal and primary caregiver was imaginary until I asked my vainglorious grandmother if she had any pictures of Dad and Eddie. "He made him up." She said, "Go ask him to draw you a picture." Sam, your video helped me to understand why my Dad's childhood stories were magical Eddie stories. He never mentioned himself or his parents in the stories until Eddie disappeared in 1947, the year Dad started first grade. Alone during winter break, Dad broke a front porch picture window bit by bit, and by 5 a.m. he was outside in 19-degree weather banging on a toy snare drum that woke the neighborhood on December 25 during a snowstorm that knocked the power out. The horror of reality morphed into my Dad's favorite childhood memory; playing drums on Christmas morning and people running through the snow in bathrobes that looked like angel wings. I don't need a photograph or drawing of Eddie. I have a bronze baby shoe circa 1942 with an adorable, laughing, baby boy wearing an uncomfortable-looking romper with a wonky starched collar trying to keep his fingers together, pressed to his lap. He's the Dad I want to remember. Thank you, Professor Sam Vaknin.
This is an incredibly fascinating and deeply terrifying insight into the nature of self and thus life itself. Theres no more profound horror than how trauma early in life can permanently amputate aspects of ones experience, if not psychologically kill you while your body still has to live for many decades. I relate to never being really present, i had to derealize and have been stuck in a dreamlike state since ive been a small child. I also experienced bouts of depersonalization. Never fully, but more than enough to know that there is nothing more hellish than being nothing at all without distracting yourself from it at all times. It makes perfect sense for a false self to kill someone and use their body as a host. Taking the leap of faith into nothingness is probably just as horrific as true spiritual enlightenment is fulfilling. But maybe its not or perhaps not permanently. I suppose theoretically thats the way to the other side, whatever that really means. I suppose im lucky to still have a fairly solid true self but im not living in reality. I suppose im partially dead lol.
Despite those personal deficiencies you so hauntingly and succinctly express, you are an eloquently profound thinker and writer. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts and expressions are moving and appreciated.
What a wonderful teacher you are! You have taught me more about the dark side of psychology than any other teacher. Psychology has been built by outside observation of people. By being the "Inside" man, you have helped us make a great leap in understanding. Being both the objective observer and subjective participant has paid off in spades. You are worth your weight in gold. I'm sorry it has been at your expense. I feel that true self under the surface. It is hidden but still there. I believe in you despite yourself. Take care and keep breathing my friend.
I love you. By saying that I mean I love what I see and hear of what I believe is the real you. What a pity I am 73 years old...had I met you when I was younger I'd have been very interested in you - just as you are! Between you and Brad Pitt? You.
I can't stop the tears... Anger, sadness and relief all mixed together. For so many years I thought that I've gone mad and I'm the only person in the world who feels the way you described. Thanks so much for sharing.
With a narc, you really can't feel anything for them, from my own experience. (NOt including professor, as he is so much aware and present with himself). But an average narc will try to make you cry for him and feel sorry for his experiences, while deeply inside he is celebrating his (hers) victory over stupid weak crying you, its their food
Thank you for sharing Sam, glad you are here with us today and sharing your knowledge and yourself as much as you are willing too. We appreciate you 🙏🏻
I had to listen to this in two parts because it is so heart wrenching. I am so sorry Sam, you mean a lot to me, your knowledge has saved me. Blessings. ❤
This is fascinating. How many times has the person in my life said "it's not me, it doesn't depend on me to change". I used to think it was a cop out but maybe it's true. It doesn't absolve her from her actions but it sheds a new light.
@@layn6516 have you watched his videos dumb-dumb? He is all about exposing and running away from a narcissists for decades.... what is your sympathy going to do for him exactly? Did you even watch this video? He is clearly saying again, stay clear away from them (NPD) but you're so out of tune and ready to discredit, that you can't listen and comprehend.
This makes so much sense with my ex, I would always tell him, “why can’t you ever be present with me?, “you need to meditate” or “you need to align your chakras” (ofc jokingly). I rarely felt love from him and to me presence is the truest form of love… I only felt love when he would tear up and tell me how happy I made him. I knew there was a real human person in there he just couldn’t stay with that emotion long enough to make me feel safe and truly loved. Anyways I’m rambling… this made me put 2&2 together and into perspective. Thank you.
I’m a 75yr old that has loved learning from you. You are so intelligent and I have learned so much from you. I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. I had a very narcissistic mother and I think her behaviour made me believe that I was ‘always wrong’, so my now-exe’s behaviour seemed normal. I am SO SAD to hear this ‘autobiography’ lesson from you now. I’ve learned and grown so much from you after watching hours of your videos. This is simply heartbreaking. .. as a ‘wife’ I was always trying to believe the best of my narcissist, which only harmed my self-worth. You are so brilliant, your words and explanations have helped so many people and I know you’ve saved so many of us from giving up. Your ‘shared fantasy’ is my wish for you. I’m not a narcissist, but I am a loner because I’ve been exposed to so many narcissistic experiences, I doubt my own true self often. I would like to beg you to Please never give up on yourself, just as I cannot give up. You contribute so much, yet leave nothing for yourself. Your eloquence and intelligence are remarkable. If you can’t find your true self, perhaps create a kinder, self-loving ‘false-self’ because you -in spite of being a true narcissist- have been the best Educator I’ve ever heard. Millions of us are grateful.
Im Sorry for the loss of innocence and unimaginable abuse of which you suffered Sam, no child should have to endure such torture 😔 thank you for your wealth of knowledge and sharing of such profound and personal insights 🙌 I wish you peace ☮️
Thank you for this video. I've lived with narcissists all my life and this made me understand it better. My hope to be able to change a narcissist was my own prison. It was a long journey, with lots of pain, to discover in the end that I was just as empty as the narcissist is. I'm dealing with my own challenges now. Self-love.
this video left me speechless. I just wanted to say that you are helping me a lot, every single day, and I will always be grateful. Thank you Professor.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining and sharing your life story, I am so sorry this happen to you it should had never happened, regardless of you always saying you have no empathy can't feel love or love anyone your words for me show the opposite you humbled, yourself became vulnerable which are human traits how can you still believe your not human? and lack an identity I think through the 1000's of videos you have so kindly shared with the world when you could have just stayed quiet this is having a purpose in life to make a horrible experience into something good, who did this? If not your trueself when you said I am a Genius I believe you are a special one and not in a grandiose Narcosist way but in a human way yes you did act and have done many mistakes in your life and caused pain to others what are you doing now? Helping strangers understand this disorder and Sir you have done a heroic and wonderful thing When your gone nobody that has had the privilege to know you through your videos will remember you for all the negative traits of Narcosism but for how much you gave of yourself and cared to share. If that is not a Human trait i dont know what is. Maybe since your first video you had an agenda to do this, i watched you throught out the years Mr. Vankin and you have change from a cold man in front of a camera to a delight to see hear and learn so much knowledge. A much better version of yourself i think reading the comments of people has allowed you to feel a connection because you have read our stories and have read our pain. Somehow I knew that man I was sharing my life felt this pain perhaps this is why I allowed the abuse the suffering and literally sacrificed myself to tell him you won't never confess what happened to you but I could feel his pain and I wanted nothing more to convince him it wasn't your fault you were a defensiveness child and what they did was horrible I am validating your suffering I can feel your pain let me help you I want to get you out of this prison I want to love you I tried all sort of ways until exhaustion and At one point felt I love you so much i am willing to die for you . Then my primitive instinct of survival kicked in i realized i am dying with you , you are sucking the life out of me your taking my soul. I don't want to die! I want to live! come with me ! He couldn't I think he truly wanted too but the false self would not let go so I had to let go. I had to come out of the illusion. I had to fight for my life but not all of it was an illusion . Your intentions was not to give false hope. Your testimony said the contrary I believe there is always hope you just demontrated this I think you have implemented your own cold therapy against yourself. YOUR name and this Legacy will live on forever you have helped so many we are truly greatful to you. Shalom.
you’re so brave to analyse yourself like this. i’ve learnt that kindness and adopting a gentle approach with my husband is better to help him manage his narccism. i know i can’t change him but there is a way of living with someone with this condition. unfortunately it’s a terminal illness.
@@don-eb3fjthe knowledge and informed approach to parenting is quite helpful, you are correct. This is why I made it my life mission to understand. I find in myself that I am superior and special and it's like I see the dark space up ahead but I dare not go near it so I don't lose my real self. I was so close to losing it. Now I help adolescents who come from that environment and help them become aware of it and hopefully have strong defenses in their adult life.
Wow- this massively shifted how I perceive the narcissists in my life. I’ve known it comes from trauma.. but none of them have told me about their trauma or made those links or explained how it felt to be them (or not-them).
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. This has helped me to understand so much and help me on my road to forgiveness, both of him and myself. Your videos have made such a difference on my journey to heal.
I’m pleased to report I’ve dropped from watching several dozen narcissism videos a day to at most a couple a week. I think my loss of interest is the antechamber of indifference, the ultimate healing.
Listening to this….i almost stopped breathing as the truthfulness, and familiarity of every word hit me!!!! I felt and heard the words to my life story being spoken….never thinking another could have felt the EXACT same way I have felt! Really an answer, yes ….a sad answer to 60 years of pain, emptiness, disparity within and complete success, accomplishment and external power, beauty, fame…a narcissist dream you could say. I’m speechless…
Sam, thank you. This is the most moving true confession of a narcissist I have ever heard. And I cried for your losses and those of my ex partner and all of you. I knew all this at the end of our relationship, I had to believe that the change I was so much hoping for would never happen. One day, I will always remember, my ex partner, made me feel the emptiness, this is the closest we ever had been because she was nude in front of me; maybe, and only that time, I want to believe, she trusted me. The compassion and love I had for her was immense. I believed, like you Sam, love could be the cure & this why I stayed & prayed & hoped until I could no more, after 15 years I had to choose to honour my own life, or die. I have posted this video on my FB page and I concluded. To my ex: "God bless you, little sweet wonderful innocent child, you'll be always in my heart because I saw you and I've heard the echos of your voice". I hope she read it, even if it will not make a difference.
I cry for that little boy( in my ex) to this day because I saw him and love him.However there comes a time when you realize that no amount of love can save them and you leave. Tragic.
After over decades of dealing with Narcissists and suffering as s victim receiving their inner guilt, fear, and hatred, after watching hing this video, I feel like I have entered the heavens of understanding like never before. Rather than receiving suffering I feel I can be much more compassionate and gear my responses rather than getting caught in a pathological loop of involvement. Deepest gratitude to you for your clear conveyance of the struggle. ❤️🙏 I pray that your struggle will get easier.
The honesty and simplistic approach in this video has me in tears. I now understand. I look forward to being alone to see who I really am without direction or needing to please anyone else but me. It’s scary knowing you are married to someone that you do not trust and that you know wants to hurt you badly. And you know this will never ever change and will always end badly in order to end. This is the deepest collection of words and thoughts that I have ever heard in my life. ‘It’s not religious. It’s diabolical’ yes, I feel like the last 10 years have been a dream. I am awake now for about 2 years. He is shrinking and I am growing.
Sam, I've watched hours and hours of your videos. You've helped me more than any other therapist. Your honesty has been refreshing and freeing. I never would have been able to understand Narcissism the way I do without your sincerity and candor. I've been diagnosed with DID and came from a very evil group of people. I could relate to much of your feelings of indifference and loss of feeling of identity; as well as I felt despair and hopelessness. This video you just made is heart wrenching. I say this out of agape' love. I struggled for years with despair. I know you're not a Christian so I will only write one exact quote. Jesus said that whomsoever falls on this stone shall be broken but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. It's excruciatingly painful to accept the reality of what we've really become but the only true path to knowing who we were meant to be. It's not about religion but relationship. The only real hope for any of us. I hope you will know peace that passes understanding.
Wow. These coping mechanisms that are designed to help us survive are just fascinating, we are so adaptable. Human beings are such amazing and terrifying creatures.
Sam, no matter how much people tell you "you're the best in your field", "your videos changed my life", "you're handsome and interesting", "you're a good friend, author, etc', you still don't believe it? Isn't there any way to convince yourself that you ARE and that you have actually BECOME and that you CAN BE LOVED after everything you have done to help us and how you have contributed to this painful world through your books and videos?
I think that in simpler terms is called a complex or a double bind. You can reason it all you want but your mind will never accept what is reality. There is no convincing that part of you as it will continually rebuke all arguments of reason.
" *you CAN BE LOVED* " That's impossible. The only person he gives a hoot about is himself, and he's incapable of loving even that. All you can do is pity him, but that will remind him of whom he really is, so he will interpret it as a threat and punish you for it. Alternatively, you can try to love his false self, but that will show you to be easily gullible, pitiful "subhuman" of sorts. A perfect victim.
Narcissists are people who are very very harsh and strict on themselves and by extension to others as well. They live in constant pressure inside that they have pushed their inner selves out of existence because they feel their true self is not important enough and are afraid to listen to their true wants. So they try loving themselves through external things, like achievements , their appearance, their status.. they scream LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE, AND WHAT I APPEAR TO BE SO LOVE ME. All of people nowadays do this in a degree especially in the beginning of their relationships with others but very early or a bit later on they drop the mask and are being more themselves. But diagnosed narcissists do this a lot more and they never really become secure enough inside to be able to calm themselves enough and form a stable fulfilling relationship with someone.
Prof. Sam you are really honest and kind I know this as a fact, how you describe and explain your narcissism, your history, and tell me who will say no to money and say sorry this is not the topic I give consultation for ,you did it, who can be that honest when talking about a war in his country, you did it, you are honest and kind Prof.sam. thanks for your efforts.
thank you for this. My father was a textbook overt narcissist, I spent four years dating a covert, and I’ll be damned if I don’t think I’m at least carrying some of it around with me, too, at this point. I wish for a better world where no child has to sell his soul to his own terrifying imagination to survive, but seeing this helped me understand, more than anything else to date
Incredible man..your honesty has let me understand the relationship I have just left after nearly losing myself trying to be a decent partner..I understand now in a bit more depth & forgive myself for being drawn in..
Heartbreaking and yet so helpful on my path to accepting that the love of my life cannot be helped. I thought i saw the spark of his true self, like a tiny diamond covered in many layers of dirt. Somehow my heart did, maybe only from another life. Thank you for your articulate honesty, it will help me to find peace.
Always grateful for you sir for helping us understand the narcissist's experience. I have progressively understood what I went through over the years from your candid exploration of the victim's and narcissist's experience of trauma
Severely bullied in high school, I remember a moment when I realized this strategy exists. That I could decrease my suffering by constructing my own reality, different from what I knew at that point to be the actual reality. But I also knew some people who I had observed behaving in ways for all the time I've known them, that seemed consistent with them having made this same choice. I didn't want to become one of those people, so I made the decision to absorb the suffering, and deal with reality - especially my own weaknesses which I knew at that point exactly what they were - and take all the extra suffering that comes with it. But what if I hadn't known those warning examples of absolute empty shells of human beings? EDIT: There's a "demotivational poster" that says "MISTAKES: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others". It's obviously a joke, but a thing can be jocular and true at the same time.
From bullies in school and bullies 3 at home, 7 and 8 grade I finished with Dr. Notes and staying at friends home. When her mom comes I go into closet and when she go shower , I go home and our both moms put our brothers on pedestal so we was both only one in that area understanding we not bad, but I felt bad for protecting my emotional being
It is, in many ways, a better choice. But not an easy one. But, interestingly, I think a mirror of the NPD choice. Anti-narcissism? All that matters is the truth and reality. Which, interestingly, like criminals and cops, is not as clear-cut as it would appear, and often a symbiotic (and hence very dangerous) relationship. After all, who is going to be the most interesting person for someone with NPD to control or destroy, than the person who willingly takes on the pain they can’t take on? And who is going to be the one most willing to fool themselves that they’re actually looking at the real truth, than someone that considers that more important than anything else? But when it’s too hard to actually look at, since it will kill them?
This is the most profound video ive ever heard . Thank you Sam . Its the cherry on top of the cake for me . I can never go back into my mothers fantasy world ever or be gaslit ! I feel its time . IM taking back my POWER !!
I feel you man. I have two kids and been married almost 20 years and nobody knows who I really am. They would think I'm some kind of Emotional Monster.
As a Dismissive Avoidant I can relate to his fear of shame. When the image I have of myself is attacked I get very insecure. It’s my first response to defend the image of myself I want people to believe in. As a DA Shame is probably the scariest emotion emotion I’ve ever encountered.
I appreciate and thank you, Professor Vaknin for sharing insights that took me 15 years to grasp. I thought I was going crazy! I have released him with love to a life that is meaningful to ONLY him and I am free 😢.
I was crying throughout the video. Folks, we cannot even imagine the level of pain that is inside Narcissist mind and soul. The way Sam has put all the feelings that a Narcissist might never find words for (because of the denial mode 24*7) and still have to carry a self, that they think is authentic (but is false) is excruciating to any legitimate being. I can't imagine a single second of my life, being in the pain that is inside of them. Whatever trauma happened in their childhood, big or small, the pain that they carry is real. Unfortunately, they cannot be vulnerable otherwise we could have helped them. I truly, through this video, have concluded that their internalised pain, has made them that way, and they do everything to protect, the already false self. I truly feel sorry for the emptiness that is in them, but even after wanting to, cannot feel sorry for the pain that they CAUSE. :(
I no longer try to understand narcissists I avoid them as much as I can. No explanations from a twisted, tormented mind are relevant enough to let one of them into my life (again). Hurt people hurt people - they are traumatizing those who love them and as long as they don’t try to heal it’s just pointless. Best wishes and goodbye!
Once I realised this very fact about my ex husband, that's when my freedom and liberation began. It was sudden and incredibly disorienting because I could have never imagined that this was even a possibility for a human being but it's the best thing to have ever happened to me. I can only hope that people who wish karma upon the narcissist can realise that their very daily existence is karma. There's really no point wishing anything good or bad upon the narcissist because it's a complete waste of time and energy.
Big respect to you Professor Sam Vaknin, this broke my heart so much bravery right here. Much gratitude for this video and all your help you’ve given me throughout my journey.
How I exp. my false self vid ... Wholy Cow Sam, your insight into yourself is incredible, fascinating to say the least. Edit: Absence masquerating as presence. Awesome words. Sorry to hear about your childhood, no child should have to go through that. You are helping so many understand this disease, and to heal themselves. God speed to you sir.
Thank you for sharing your life and feelings as a narcissist. So sorry your start in life corrupted and enslaved you to a false self. I have been watching your videos for a couple years now and you always provide the best explanations. Just doing this is of great benefit and service to others, and I for one am very grateful to you for your time in creating them. Obviously none of what happened in your childhood was ever your fault. You may feel like your false self has taken over completely, but I feel another vibration when watching you so I don't believe you are an empty shell. I'm sure you're tired, but you should be proud of your own self-awareness and willingness to educate others. Thank you so much and keep on loving ❤❤❤
When you ask: "what would be left behind when the false self is gone?" The reverberations of pain and hurt that you describe can obviously not function as a healthy true self. Since it is nothing more then a disturbed unregulated mesh of negative emotions. But there is something there that unfortunately had to take on that form. If what is left truly wasn't of any importance, then what is the false self trying to protect? I'd like to believe that there must be something there to work with, to mould back into some form or shape, that might eventually be the beginning of a true voice. What if in the narcissist mind the conviction of emptiness and being nothing but the false self, is in fact part of the final defence line in an ultimate effort to deny the existance of what is left of what should have become..
That's what I'm wondering as well. For myself, I can still feel "a split," in my personality (& I know when it happened at age 11, because I actually felt/saw/heard the color & sound drain out of my inner perception/view of the world in an instant, like an old record winding down in a horror movie), maybe because the worst, most terrifying phase of my abuse started a bit later & I'd already started forming an identity, when the split finalized? (IDK, just speculating.) But at 54, I still feel there's an anxious, terrified child left to be salvaged. But that she's (I'm) sort of hibernating? I still hear "my true voice," first every moment, but it's almost always cast aside, ridiculed, etc. by a Greek chorus of various "mean girl" inner voices that sabotage every positive idea, circumstance, & hope. What I perceive as my "real" voice is the one who is weak, scared, exhausted, easily overwhelmed... the one who was hurt & made myself lesser, till there was practically nothing left to harm. The false self? that tried to step forward & play the game, so to speak, was the brave one who remained hypervigilant to protect "the little one." The other voices collectively feel like the ones who try to step forward & portray what I am not. But it's like a cacophony of different voices, all arguing with each other, some feel protective, some feel like they just want to run the show. Meanwhile, the little me sleeps, covers her ears like a toddler, or goes dormant, kinda. It it feels like there's still a part of me who want to wake up, but the other voices don't allow it. I have one voice in my head who says things like, "Let that child sleep, if she wakes up... someday, she's gonna go "Carrie" on all ya'll!" 👀 It feels like all these voices have something to be gained by keeping me asleep, whether it's from their fear, protection, or perpetuating themselves. It's exhausting & confusing. For me, it's different in some ways than Sam describes, but also spot on, in other ways. I don't know if mine is coming from narcissism or something adjacent. Thank you Sam for your videos. This one in particular is eerily familiar in a way. Forgive me if my terminology is not accurate. I'm still trying to piece things together, in every sense of the phrase.
@pugonato I saw a part of your reply in my notifications, but I can’t seem to find your entire reply, so I’m replying here. (I can’t see the part where you describe your ex.) In answer to your question, I don’t know exactly why. I’m not sure whether I’m a narcissist, infected by my narcissist parents, or am suffering from that phenomenon where the more you read about something, the more you think it describes you. I do know that as far back as I can recall, I spent every moment trying to figure out my mother & trying to change or repress whatever I could about myself that displeased her. And that even with time away & distance, my husband says I still change back into that other person, when I’m around her for holidays. Also, I was raised in a very strict evangelical fundamentalist household. Every moment I wasn’t worried about “mother,” I was worried about “God.” I developed what I now have read was “scrupulosity,” which is a form of OCD where you’re fixated? on religion. As I child & young adult, I was hyper-focused on all my thoughts, words, & deeds, evaluating them to see if had committed any sin. (In fact, I remember during my prayers asking for forgiveness even for whatever I couldn’t remember that I might have done wrong, because I was afraid that even the thought that I hadn’t sinned that day, was in itself a sin.) I was taught to be obedient & selfless, which turned out to be disastrous & set me up to be the perfect victim of my so called Christian father when he became sexually abusive. Suffice it to say, between my mother, father, & God, someone was always going to be angry or disappointed in me, every day, including myself. It’s not a pleasant way to grow up. I don’t recommend it, lol. As an adult, I’m sure you can tell I’m not very stable. When I look back, I can see things through multiple lenses, but the glass is fragmented & shattered, like looking through a kaleidoscope of the dammed. I look back with sadness, alarm, fear, rage, & sometimes humor, though I suspect that my odd sense of humor is a protective defensive mechanism. But above all, I have a fierce determination to not pass all my baggage down to my daughter. I want her legacy to be her own & not mine. I don’t know if it is possible, but I’m gonna try.
I don't understand the utility of using the word disregulated or unregulated. It seems to me that a 4-year old boy came up with a method for regulating himself when no one was "regulating" his alleged caregivers.
@@lavenderbluemama953 I think you're doing just fine navigating treacherous waters (demeaning parents, religion,etc.) as best you can against their destructive forces. I give you a gold medal!!! ❤
@@EmbraceTerroryou’re correct - but it’s like trying to control the speed and direction of a car by looking at the reaction of your passenger. Can someone drive a car that way? Well, kind of. If the passenger is attentive, they could avoid most collisions anyway! But it would be avoiding catastrophe, not going where they wanted to go by intention. Sometimes they don’t have a choice though, like in broken situations he’s describing. It statistically doesn’t tend to produce great outcomes, compared to looking at the road, at least if one cares about car crashes, health and safety, either. Notably, that is true for the driver and the passenger. But, if one doesn’t know any better, it *seems* to work better for the passenger for awhile if you go off the passengers reactions. After all, if you look at just the road and ignore the passenger, they’ll get scared sometimes, they’ll be bored often, etc. The dysregulation is because that is a descriptive term of the actual state someone is in with NPD. Their body is constantly ‘swerving’ all over the place because it refuses to actually look at the ‘road’, because at an early age it was taught that was impossible/bad.
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for sharing your story and helping us understand the false self. I used to have a covert narcissist in my life and during the discard phase I was developing myself a false self to cope with the abuse, so I can imagine how it is formed in the proto-narcissist child. Thank you for what you do. Your work and insights are brillant.
I felt just today I am doing the same just to cope with the pain and then I realized that is just a glimpse of what it must have been like for a child lacking language, maturity, and resources.
“A dream” is exactly what my former partner always referred to me as and our love. He was not aware of narcissism but he was unconsciously describing to a tee exactly what you articulate as your experience and of your research.I was never there with him because he was never there with me. It was a but a dream. Always will be. It’s how I’ve been able to approach therapy and find my accountability. I wanted the escape. Until I didn’t. Incredible life lesson for me. No regrets.
For what it's worth, your testimony and eloquent descriptions (and "big ten dollar words") of both your life and narcissism--and related topics--have helped me tremendously through dealing with my own, my father's, and in becoming better equipped to listen, empathise, and understand some of my family's narcissistic tendencies. It's been a long journey for me and still continues. I feel like I've gained my humanity back--although it tends to slip in and out of existence sometimes (through dissociation and fantasy which meditation has helped me continuously re-recognise). Thanks for saving those of us who had more time to reverse the curse. 🙏 P.S. I've got to say, you do a really fantastic job of feeling like a human being to me. It feels nice. Hope this doesn't hurt to hear. (Or that this last expression of hope itself doesn't.) All the best ❤
I cried at the end when you talked about hoping to be loved enough to flower and discover yourself. The fact that you can't makes me angry at the universe.
he needs to love himself! be aware of his thoughts, don't take them as truths, and show compassion to himself. Nothing comes from the outside, inner work is needed
You are a voice for all the narcissists in my life and for my own responsibilities in maintaining relationships with those that I love. With the larger scale Israel Palestine black hole vacuum that has such a hold on me, I am satisfied with this explanation somehow giving me clarity on where I can rest in perspective, for a least a minute or two. You are a gift, thank you for having such a conscience, it matters.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse from my father and several romantic partners this makes sense to me. But it's frightening to look into someone else's void. My last ex gave out no real energy as a person and it often felt like being next to a black hole when I was with him. All his words seemed false, fake. Especially when he said he loved me. Narcissists drag us into their depersonalised state and their void when we are with them. It's taken me so long to start existing again as my own person after spending so much time with empty people. It's amazing what deep trauma does to us all. So sad. For the narcissists and even more so for us who suffer as a result of their conditions
È da un po che la seguo e in questo video mi ha toccato profondamente. Io mi sono ritrovata completamente nel suo vissuto. Grazie perché mi ha fatto sentire meno sola. L'Italia la saluta con stima
Oh I can't stop crying. For you Sam, and for my ex. I knew he was damaged, as was I, but I thought he'd be able to be healed out of it with love, support, and therapy like I was. I don't know how I didn't become a narcissist or have any personality disorders myself. I even ask my last two therapists if they're sure I don't. My childhood and young adulthood was horrific too. But maybe the difference for me was I had one parent that showed me enough love and care to save me from the other parent by divorcing them and not forcing me to see them. Then I got into therapy in my 20s after two failed attempts at relationships. The first was with a psychopathic narcissist that almost unalived me many times. The next was a bi-polar alcoholic that went off his meds, lost his mind and threatened to unalive me also. By my third relationship I was having major issues trying to cope with life. A part of me thinks I'm strong enough to love my ex, it hurts my heart that he can't feel the love and has to treat me horribly to protect himself. Maybe that's my personality disorder, whatever that's called. I want to love the wounded. Thank you Sam for sharing this, somehow it changed my perspective enough that although my heart is broken, I feel more at peace and accepting.
This is the best video on narcissism I have ever seen. Hauntingly beautiful and poetic. It's one thing to learn about narcissism from books and classes but this insight from you is precious and it should be seen by every psychology student. I could feel your sorrow. You managed to describe your inner world so well that it elevated my understanding of narcissism to the next level - compassion. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and personal story. It's heartbreaking and priceless. 😢❤
Thank you for sharing your powerful testimony. I hope you find peace in your life. You are so generous in giving that I hope you shall receive abundantly ❤
Sam, I salute you as a physician for the depth of your understanding and describing the complexity of the inner self with such an outstanding honesty and bravery🙏💐
Your personal account of your journey of becoming and being of your false self, I find heartfelt. Your videos have helped me to understand the narcisistic spectrum, in my fight to understand my lover, for understanding brings me closer to the truth of what drives our fantasy time together, and need to be together sometimes, for however long it lasts. I love the fantastical and unusual, the passion, the awakening of myself through him. I recognise the mother in me towards him, my true mother, being narcisistic and the pain I suffered under her care, though had to be a carer to her pains.
Very interesting, thought-provoking, insightful and elaborate things you say in this video. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 21. It started when I was 15 years old and I faced new experiences that gradually worsened the condition. Which means I struggled to cope with no therapy between the ages of 15-21. And I can tell everyone that cares to know that something similar to the protective-mechanism of a false self happened to me, I experience life through a shield that won’t hurt me personally in any significantly damaging way. I’m tough as a rock and my friends sometimes don’t understand how I can go on after something major happens in my life. But it doesn’t touch me, experiences doesn’t really face me, I have the ability to experience life as from the other side of a mirror and sometimes I play theatre in order to go on with my days. It’s quite a strange feeling, and doesn’t seem to be something a lot of people do to cope with life. Although I’m certain I don’t have NPD (since I can get in ”touch” with my present and very true to the core self), but I’m on evaluation for BPD. Which I’m quite certain I do have. I derealize and depersonalize and sometimes life is like a rollercoaster emotionally and with my relationships, and I’m protecting my core to whatever cost. I remember a time I wasn’t like this when I was 14. I remember a time I only had GAD and depression. I remember PTSD. But whatever developed through the years 15-25 has been by far the most interesting of disordered thought-patterns and internal life. Very strange to experience this. Can’t relate completely to an NPD experience. But I just wanna say that I have a lot of respect for you and this video was so enlightening as to how the human-experience can be after trauma.
My journey began with trying to forgive myself which requires understanding. Get out of the maze of too muchlearning and regain your sense of self. Love it protect it. Its there you are one of a kind.
This is exactly my mother. She has passed but this was exactly how she she was. I learned a lot about her condition because I had to for my own survival. I must say, it is extremely sad. I was by her bedside when she passed at the age of 80, but the person laying there in the bed was no older than a toddler. She died out of her own volition. I think, since I had to buy into her fantasy, I had to learn how to become her, and as a result I, too, felt this vast void within myself. Ten years of therapy with an amazing therapist and the will to endure a lot of emotional pain, helped me gradually overcome the void. An ongoing healing process.
Thankyou for sharing! I cannot even begin to understand or even accept the cruelty you were subjected to as a small child that instigated your Narcissism. I have been a grateful fan for many years and watched most of your videos. I started by chance after going through a serious Narcissistic relationship.Still affecting me in many ways 3years later. So kind of you in opening Pandora's Box it was mind blowing and so very sad.
I think I have narcissistic traits. Having been a gifted child, I succeeded in very selective studies and was always congratulated. My parents didn't offer me any emotional support and I became addicted to being admired by my peers. I met a boy who told me I was perfect for a few months, only to put me down and insult me in the months that followed. When I left him, I fell in love again with a boy who did exactly the same thing. I was severely depressed. These were the only two people with whom I didn't have my 'false self', but to whom I showed my imperfections and my doubts, and these two people hurt me. I am now in my early twenties. To rebuild myself, I realise that I've tried to make my inner self disappear: I have the impression that everyone prefers my 'false self' anyway, which has no apparent flaws. There's an 'idea of me' that I'm conforming to, and I don't know how to get out of it. I think all this is also very much linked to the society we live in, which encourages this kind of behaviour. Thank you for this very touching and honest video x (and sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language)
Prof. Vaknin: Thank you for sharing what no narcissist will ever share. This helps me so much to understand and to heal. From a survivor of narcissistic abuse. 🙏
hearing your heartrending account... without a bulletproof vest, still alive after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse(father, mother, brother) In cristaline isolation, I am still here, present and yet... 🖤💔❤️... 👋May I give you and your wife a warm hug
Thank you for sharing this, it helps to understand a bit more my close relative who has similar childhood experience. It is clear she can't behave in different way, thanks to you. I admire your intelligence and eloquence, wish you all the best
This is incredibly insightful, brutally honest and very sad. I've been researching npd for 15 years because of my abusive mother and siblings. It's very hard to get inside a narcissists head and this has been very helpful. Thank you Sam.
What a contribution to the world. Thank you for making us deeply understand. I'm no narcissist(I think) but I think having some borderline traits that I realised recently. I can feel you actually, but only to the point i can imagine how deep the core is buried. I can most of the time get a head out to breathe. Ty again prof.
Probably the most profound and utterly heart wrenching videos on narcissism I’ve seen to date and I’ve watched hundreds trying to understand TY for this I hope you find peace knowing that you have helped me and others get to a place of acceptance and detachment After 7 years of loving this man I finally know what I knew all along, that I wasn’t making a dent ✌️🙏💔
@@pugonato that NO amount of love acceptance or EFFORT will “fix” a narcissist That I’ve been pouring myself into an empty vessel for YEARS 😢
@@pugonato YES!! Otherwise you’ll be a hamster on a wheel No matter how fast you run or how long you stop and find yourself right where you began Don’t waste ur precious time!! ✌️
Merci pour votre sincérité notre passage sur terre estexperience universel qui doit avoir un sens un aboutissement j'espère de tous mon cœur que notre peine y servira
Very well described... tq for sharing 🙏🏽 I feel that we should share our experiences to others in whatever capacity we can... It will help create awareness & may help someone's livelihood... Wishing everyone a joyful live a head, stay cool & become the best 💪🏽
☆ Prof. Vaknin, sincere thanks & appreciation to what you do... You have helped me in great significance that I don't have the vocabulary capacity to express my gratitude appropriately, Sir. 🙏🏽
Your deeds are profound & honorable. Much love & respect, God bless ❤ 🫡
- Borneo, Malaysia
Does his final comment refer to liberation as death?
Dear Professor Vaknin, You have given me glimpses into the depths of the human psyche that I would not have believed were real. You have enabled me to have some understanding of my narcissistic father who terrified me for 70 years. He is finally gone after 97 years of bone-chilling manipulation of our family. He took my mother’s sanity. He tried to take mine. I was the only person left who would go near him or help him. Thanks to you I was able to stand up to him and call him out from a distance over the telephone. It was a terrible scene. He died two weeks later after some type of neurological incident. You made me see that under all his noise was nothing and no one. I will not go to my grave carrying the shame and terror he inflicted on me. I actually stood up to him. Thank you
YES you did!!! I did the same with mines, just buried him 3 months ago. We are free!! Girrrl celebrate! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Wow! Fantastic job! Well done! 🎉🎉🇬🇧
It's the first time that I see your eyes expressing sensitivity, self pity and compassion for the little boy you used to be. You really made me cry. Thank you for sharing this video❤
Sam! I'm speechless yet flooded..non stop tears and sobs. I think everyone here has said all that I would want to say to you myself. 4 years researching day after day after day. Watching your videos and many many others ..but this one...I am almost breathless gulping for air. I wish and I pray pray pray for anything to stop this in the world. And fix and heal every single soul plagued by such a two faced coping mechanism. Thank you for being you- I know I see at least a chunk of the real you in this video. Your the strongest damaged being I have ever heard speak. If there is anything you can teach us how to help our narcissists and ourselves please continue try. Only you have the power to even come close to real help for both our side of this tragedy and the others in your boat. Even a petition or proposal for foced parenting classes in school or something that you think could help us all..Peace and blessings for all eternity brave soul. Thank you ❤
@@Melissa-gx7ivno offense, but that’s the most narcissistic comment I’ve ever read.
@@Melissa-gx7iv👎
@@hunglikeaslave6793it's actually true, Sam himself has said this.
He is a Narcissist with all that entails.
Attention
Massive Narcissistic supply
Followers
Praise
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Narcissistic dream!
@@don-eb3fj I so agree with your wonderful comment. Narcissist or not... even if he is functioning as a False Self.... Sam's contributions to helping us understand human psychology DESERVES recognition and gratitude. I always feel gratitude that I did not end up having a life that would have destroyed me, in the way it has Prof. Sam. I have great empathy for these humans, and can comprehend the level of dissociation from Soul may not be reversible while in the human body, the trauma was just too much. So, I am counting on Profs "redemption" when Ego is left behind at his physical departure.
My late husband told me in a rare moment of vulnerability and self reflection "i like the idea of love, but i dont and cant love. When you need empathy from me and love it feels like an attack because I don't have those things to give. I want to be a real boy but im not"
Short time after he realized what he was, he took his own life. In grief i think of him in a heaven and in these thoughts he is always a child. It makes sense because he didnt survive childhood.
Little William deserved to grow and be loved. He existed as a black hole and chose annihilation over living without the false self.
Completely true. I was diagnosed with covert narcissism in 2020 and it took 3 more years to finally admit that the diagnose was true. I also experienced the same thing during childhood and had to create a coping strategy. A person who didn't care less if my love for my parents was misused and had to be 'the steady rock' in our family supporting my father and mother as well. Impossible for a kid, so the only solution was to push the kid away and become a man that couldn't emotionally be touched. I got angry if my girlfriend or even our kids came to close to my centre of love & care. I played an act for many year (> 30 years), but I don't want to anymore. I want to feel, share, love, feel the warmth of love, etc. I asked my girlfriend to marry me and am in therapy right now.
BRAVO
Best of luck on ur healing journey, journey of self discovery. I'm routing for you. Don't give up the good fight
🤗💚💯🙏🏿
I heard Andrew Tate speak to a therapist once, and he described the same experience of ‘toughing up’
would u say, someone with this diagnosis should have kids?
Sam. This has allowed me to feel more compassion after being so damaged by a narcissist to understand how profound the cut off is from their true self. Thank you thank you thank you for your vulnerability for your truthfulness and for doing this video, you are a beautiful human being.
I am so fortunate to have met you here in this medium of digital communication which has helped me so much to find the compassion I need to be with my loved one
My mother is a narcissist and this really helps me to have compassion towards her (even though I know she will never change)
I hope that your compassion doesn't trap you into a situation where you risk losing yourself, as I almost did. All the compassion in the world will never fix the narcissist or change his behavior.
@@lesley-annsimpson8507there is far too much pain that he would have to face and FEEL in order for the real self to ever emerge. The false self won't let that happen.
Why? They don’t care that you have compassion for them
You are a very courageous man, Sam. I was in hell and utter confusion after my breakup with a pwBPD, and your work quite literally saved my life. You are loved by me and many others, even if it cannot be fully permeated into your being. We are grateful for you.
This is very honest, painful, and true. I loved a man like you from age 16-45 who told me things about his insides that are very much like you're describing. I didn't know about narcissistic personality disorder. I kept thinking I could "love the emptyness out of him". Nope. Now he's hurting our kids by convincing them that I'm a monster for leaving him. We all get to lose, now.
I feel sorry for your plight, but I thank you for saving my life. I discovered you in 2010 and moved out of "his house" in 2012. Best wishes...I mean it.
@@dreamlove361 ? So?
@dreamlove....don't you have some medieval torture techniques to catch up on?
the situation with the kids is unfortunately but.. it was probably the best choice for you personally.
I wasn’t with mine for that long and didn’t have kids either him but “his house” triggered me. Glad you got out and I hope your kids realize who he really is one day. ❤️🩹
Same with the ‘his house’. Completely understand this comment.
I have been forced to study narcissism for the past year. I have never seen anything like this. I’m sorry for what you have endured and for what she endures. Thank you for sharing, utterly heartbreaking and spellbinding at the same time.
My false self emerged during childhood and really took over in adolescence. I still think my true self is a alive and there is a chance to put it back into the driver’s seat, but time is running out. My false self has become so entrenched and made so many life-altering choices regarding my career, (anti-)social life, and hobbies, that it seems impossible to make any big changes now. If they ever find an easy cure for the effects of childhood abuse on the brain, people in the future will look back at us in horror like we do at torture victims in the middle ages. Anyways, nice shirt, Professor.
I really think when i met my husband in 2005, the false self had not fully taken over yet. There are two or three Moments im sure i saw HIM. But some years ago, i Kind of felt, no matter how hatd i try, he doesnt Show up anymore.
I have three wonderful sons, therefore i live with four boys and i cant stop thinking about all those fairytales where the spell is broken, when the witch who put it on him dies. I cant tell how man Times i've pummeld my mother in law in my mind. About 12 years ago i said to my father, that i really need to get a drivers licence, so that i can run over her. He replied " thats my german girl . Obedient of the law. Before you commit murder with your car you must be authorized to drive it."
She hated me the moment i entered the room. She must have sensed i might be the one to get him out there. After my mother ( probably NPD) met her the first time, she said to me: " she doesnt like you. And she defenetly fears you"
I didnt belive her as she has alwqys been scapegoating me and i thought she'd just want to take that from me. And this was metaphorically the moment where my mum handed me the Red toned glasses.
The point is: i still crave to run her over with my car ( drivers licence:check) because i cant get rid of this " kill the witch Break the spell" feeling, so i can vomit out the Apple, fit in the glass shoes, escape the tower behind the thornes with my dwarfs, so shrek and i can live happily ever after... but i gave up on him, when i realized that i failed to save him from drowning and he has sunk to the ground. He will never get back into the boat. And what he had once described as a Monster i cant leave him alone with, will be sailing alone. To nowhere.
@@RoxyMillefck Hugs to you and him. I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how they can. I have not found anyone who claims and does heal them. I have found some people who I believe are capable of healing them -- given the right training.
grief seems to be the key. humans will do almost anything to avoid it but it's the key
@@RoxyMillefck❤beautiful way to describe the sadness and struggles we go through. My mother in law id the same, hates me and adores him and wants him to adore gim. Im German too, and I think our stubbornness is what has made us stick with them for so long.
Dear Prof. Vaknin. This is one of the gutsiest things I've ever seen from anyone.
How you mentally apprehend your existence and the waiting abyss and the awareness you live with.Thank you for giving so much.
You have truly made a great and lasting contribution with your work. Those of us on the healing journey have been helped beyond words.
And you deserve peace, love , and healing as much as any living being. Take care.
How can a person be so aware and still have a false self? I remember standing in my kitchen at about 35 with a crying baby and realising I had prioritised *appearing* to be happy over being happy. The deconstruction and reconstruction started there. My mother never had this epiphany. But having had it myself, I can'tcompletely let go of hope that one day we can communicate honestly, reciprocally. Her firewall protects her false self. I accept being alone pretty much. I don't want to dupe people though. I want them to see what's real. I have a few close friends and that's it.
I cannot stop crying, as I sit here thinking about just how so much profound, heart wrenching, insightful information in abundance is provided through an absence of a human.
Whatever it is worth, I am truly sorry for the immeasurable pain, and ultimate death of the little boy who had to stare into the abyss. As a human, it is very difficult to listen to your story and not want to destroy the monsters who denied you of your true self.
Thank you Sam. I see your true self in your eyes. You are so brave.
I remember.....one night I had a big fight with my ex narcissist I cried, he looked at me.... it was so cold, dark emptiness, nothingness he said, '' Go away, go get a better life!''
When my narcissist discarded me, she finally showed me her true self, her false self, and it was utter nothingness. A dark, lightless vacuum. A cold, stone mausoleum. I thought she had projected this horrible sight onto me to punish me, but instead she had drawn me into her as her final goodbye and said, 'Look! This is who I truly am! There's nothing here. Go away.' I will never forget being given that opportunity to gaze upon living hell. That was ten years ago. I have not heard from her since.
I’m glad she’s in your past. If you don’t mind me asking, when you say she showed you her true self, what do you mean? She stopped acting and you saw it in her eyes? Just curious. Hope all is well
@@Jo-lp1px During our relationship she had been a rather gentle person, but in hindsight I now recall the many times she demonstrated her inability to bond. At the end, at the time of discard, she switched from gentle to monstrously cruel and cold. Like a cockroach when the lights go on, as soon as she knew that I knew she had been lying for years, she cut ties instantly, cut all communication and ghosted me. THAT was her true nature.
So well expressed! This was my observation when I was discarded just 2 months ago. It was like a living nightmare! The hateful look on his face when his mask slipped, the cruel and calculated things he said and did to destroy me on every front (over a few weeks prior to the breakup)! Then, during the breakup, he belittled and mocked me and told me he is on a journey of self-improvement (and I am not worthy, despite making sacrifices to support him with his issues). He even spoke to himself and about himself in the third person at one point, as though he was trying to justify his decision to discard me.😮 I am still recovering from the shock..
I hope you are doing well and have only healthy and fulfilling relationships going forward!!!! ✨️
@@loziitta1Your description is very good of a person that is entirely a false self. My brother has changed from the sweet boy he was into an abusive, angry, self absorbed, vien, condescending know it all. My sweet brother has disappeared. Gone. I don't know this thing he has become. I don't want to know him. Sadistic, cruel, dishonest, cowardly, backstabbing and manipulative. Unbelievable really. Really sick. My brother died a long time ago and I didn't know it. I know now. 😢 Sadly. I guess nothing to be done but pray for his lost soul and say good bye.
Snap that happened to me the ex showed me his true self a very short glimpse he said you are strong you will get through this I'm weak a nothing a nobody you deserve to be loved I walked away after 6 years and it's been 6 years of leaving never saw him again.
@ Dr. Sam Vaknin, I’m at work sitting at my computer and I weep for you and for my soon to be ex husband. I’ve never heard (what I suspected and sensed the past 18yrs) described with such heart breaking and succinct words.
I’m so sorry for the horrible pain you experienced at the hands of the one person in the world who should have loved you to life. 😢
Lydia?
@@audreythomas9028I'm Lydia
"There is no love without presence."
There is no authenticity without feeling safe.
There is no presence without authenticity.
There is no love without presence.
Safety > Authenticity > Love
Prof.Vaknin, you have changed my life for the better daily for nearly two years. Your story sent a riptide of enlightenment into my earliest and last memories of my narcissistic Dad, an only child of a sadistic father and grandiose and often drunk mother who habitually left their preschool-age son and his outlandish imaginary friend locked in the house whenever they worked, partied, or went away for the weekend. My Dad spent his formative years as a goldfish in a dirty bowl with a weekend feeder.
I didn't know until I was in my 30s that Dad's childhood pal and primary caregiver was imaginary until I asked my vainglorious grandmother if she had any pictures of Dad and Eddie. "He made him up." She said, "Go ask him to draw you a picture."
Sam, your video helped me to understand why my Dad's childhood stories were magical Eddie stories. He never mentioned himself or his parents in the stories until Eddie disappeared in 1947, the year Dad started first grade. Alone during winter break, Dad broke a front porch picture window bit by bit, and by 5 a.m. he was outside in 19-degree weather banging on a toy snare drum that woke the neighborhood on December 25 during a snowstorm that knocked the power out. The horror of reality morphed into my Dad's favorite childhood memory; playing drums on Christmas morning and people running through the snow in bathrobes that looked like angel wings.
I don't need a photograph or drawing of Eddie. I have a bronze baby shoe circa 1942 with an adorable, laughing, baby boy wearing an uncomfortable-looking romper with a wonky starched collar trying to keep his fingers together, pressed to his lap. He's the Dad I want to remember. Thank you, Professor Sam Vaknin.
This is an incredibly fascinating and deeply terrifying insight into the nature of self and thus life itself. Theres no more profound horror than how trauma early in life can permanently amputate aspects of ones experience, if not psychologically kill you while your body still has to live for many decades.
I relate to never being really present, i had to derealize and have been stuck in a dreamlike state since ive been a small child.
I also experienced bouts of depersonalization. Never fully, but more than enough to know that there is nothing more hellish than being nothing at all without distracting yourself from it at all times.
It makes perfect sense for a false self to kill someone and use their body as a host.
Taking the leap of faith into nothingness is probably just as horrific as true spiritual enlightenment is fulfilling. But maybe its not or perhaps not permanently. I suppose theoretically thats the way to the other side, whatever that really means.
I suppose im lucky to still have a fairly solid true self but im not living in reality. I suppose im partially dead lol.
Despite those personal deficiencies you so hauntingly and succinctly express, you are an eloquently profound thinker and writer. Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts and expressions are moving and appreciated.
Ego death
What a wonderful teacher you are! You have taught me more about the dark side of psychology than any other teacher. Psychology has been built by outside observation of people. By being the "Inside" man, you have helped us make a great leap in understanding. Being both the objective observer and subjective participant has paid off in spades. You are worth your weight in gold. I'm sorry it has been at your expense. I feel that true self under the surface. It is hidden but still there. I believe in you despite yourself. Take care and keep breathing my friend.
Beautifully put.
Ahem.
Amen
I love you. By saying that I mean I love what I see and hear of what I believe is the real you. What a pity I am 73 years old...had I met you when I was younger I'd have been very interested in you - just as you are! Between you and Brad Pitt? You.
I can't stop the tears... Anger, sadness and relief all mixed together. For so many years I thought that I've gone mad and I'm the only person in the world who feels the way you described. Thanks so much for sharing.
With a narc, you really can't feel anything for them, from my own experience. (NOt including professor, as he is so much aware and present with himself). But an average narc will try to make you cry for him and feel sorry for his experiences, while deeply inside he is celebrating his (hers) victory over stupid weak crying you, its their food
Thank you for sharing Sam, glad you are here with us today and sharing your knowledge and yourself as much as you are willing too. We appreciate you 🙏🏻
I actually cried 😢 He's so good with words, my goodness
This is by far the best discourse on the False Self. Thank you for sharing.🙏
I had to listen to this in two parts because it is so heart wrenching. I am so sorry Sam, you mean a lot to me, your knowledge has saved me. Blessings. ❤
This is fascinating. How many times has the person in my life said "it's not me, it doesn't depend on me to change". I used to think it was a cop out but maybe it's true. It doesn't absolve her from her actions but it sheds a new light.
Gratitude for sharing this with us. 🙏🏽
Unlike psychopaths, NPDs are usually incapable of introspection and insight like this 🤔. Approach with caution, no matter how heartbreaking.
He is saying it all for sympathy, even if partly true
@@layn6516 exactly
@@layn6516 Does it matter? It's a youtube video he's not your intimate partner.
@@layn6516 have you watched his videos dumb-dumb?
He is all about exposing and running away from a narcissists for decades.... what is your sympathy going to do for him exactly?
Did you even watch this video?
He is clearly saying again, stay clear away from them (NPD) but you're so out of tune and ready to discredit, that you can't listen and comprehend.
Sounds like severe ptsd
Hi, Sam. I'm autistic so I partially understand you. Thank you for your work.
Yea fr
This makes so much sense with my ex, I would always tell him, “why can’t you ever be present with me?, “you need to meditate” or “you need to align your chakras” (ofc jokingly). I rarely felt love from him and to me presence is the truest form of love… I only felt love when he would tear up and tell me how happy I made him. I knew there was a real human person in there he just couldn’t stay with that emotion long enough to make me feel safe and truly loved. Anyways I’m rambling… this made me put 2&2 together and into perspective. Thank you.
I’m a 75yr old that has loved learning from you. You are so intelligent and I have learned so much from you. I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. I had a very narcissistic mother and I think her behaviour made me believe that I was ‘always wrong’, so my now-exe’s behaviour seemed normal.
I am SO SAD to hear this ‘autobiography’ lesson from you now. I’ve learned and grown so much from you after watching hours of your videos. This is simply heartbreaking. .. as a ‘wife’ I was always trying to believe the best of my narcissist, which only harmed my self-worth. You are so brilliant, your words and explanations have helped so many people and I know you’ve saved so many of us from giving up. Your ‘shared fantasy’ is my wish for you. I’m not a narcissist, but I am a loner because I’ve been exposed to so many narcissistic experiences, I doubt my own true self often. I would like to beg you to Please never give up on yourself, just as I cannot give up. You contribute so much, yet leave nothing for yourself. Your eloquence and intelligence are remarkable. If you can’t find your true self, perhaps create a kinder, self-loving ‘false-self’ because you -in spite of being a true narcissist- have been the best Educator I’ve ever heard. Millions of us are grateful.
Im Sorry for the loss of innocence and unimaginable abuse of which you suffered Sam, no child should have to endure such torture 😔 thank you for your wealth of knowledge and sharing of such profound and personal insights 🙌 I wish you peace ☮️
Thank you for this video. I've lived with narcissists all my life and this made me understand it better. My hope to be able to change a narcissist was my own prison. It was a long journey, with lots of pain, to discover in the end that I was just as empty as the narcissist is. I'm dealing with my own challenges now. Self-love.
Me too Namaste ❤
@@jeannieotb8491 ❤️
this video left me speechless.
I just wanted to say that you are helping me a lot, every single day, and I will always be grateful.
Thank you Professor.
Tears flowing 😢for the little boy and what he had to do mentally to survive
❤
What a poetic masterpiece! I feel you in my heart
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining and sharing your life story, I am so sorry this happen to you it should had never happened, regardless of you always saying you have no empathy can't feel love or love anyone your words for me show the opposite you humbled, yourself became vulnerable which are human traits how can you still believe your not human? and lack an identity I think through the 1000's of videos you have so kindly shared with the world when you could have just stayed quiet this is having a purpose in life to make a horrible experience into something good, who did this? If not your trueself when you said I am a Genius I believe you are a special one and not in a grandiose Narcosist way but in a human way yes you did act and have done many mistakes in your life and caused pain to others what are you doing now? Helping strangers understand this disorder and Sir you have done a heroic and wonderful thing When your gone nobody that has had the privilege to know you through your videos will remember you for all the negative traits of Narcosism but for how much you gave of yourself and cared to share. If that is not a Human trait i dont know what is. Maybe since your first video you had an agenda to do this, i watched you throught out the years Mr. Vankin and you have change from a cold man in front of a camera to a delight to see hear and learn so much knowledge. A much better version of yourself i think reading the comments of people has allowed you to feel a connection because you have read our stories and have read our pain. Somehow I knew that man I was sharing my life felt this pain perhaps this is why I allowed the abuse the suffering and literally sacrificed myself to tell him you won't never confess what happened to you but I could feel his pain and I wanted nothing more to convince him it wasn't your fault you were a defensiveness child and what they did was horrible I am validating your suffering I can feel your pain let me help you I want to get you out of this prison I want to love you I tried all sort of ways until exhaustion and At one point felt I love you so much i am willing to die for you . Then my primitive instinct of survival kicked in i realized i am dying with you , you are sucking the life out of me your taking my soul. I don't want to die! I want to live! come with me ! He couldn't I think he truly wanted too but the false self would not let go so I had to let go. I had to come out of the illusion. I had to fight for my life but not all of it was an illusion . Your intentions was not to give false hope. Your testimony said the contrary I believe there is always hope you just demontrated this I think you have implemented your own cold therapy against yourself. YOUR name and this Legacy will live on forever you have helped so many we are truly greatful to you. Shalom.
That was harrowing and really helps to understand the tragedy of narcissism for the host.
you’re so brave to analyse yourself like this. i’ve learnt that kindness and adopting a gentle approach with my husband is better to help him manage his narccism. i know i can’t change him but there is a way of living with someone with this condition. unfortunately it’s a terminal illness.
@@don-eb3fjthe knowledge and informed approach to parenting is quite helpful, you are correct. This is why I made it my life mission to understand. I find in myself that I am superior and special and it's like I see the dark space up ahead but I dare not go near it so I don't lose my real self. I was so close to losing it. Now I help adolescents who come from that environment and help them become aware of it and hopefully have strong defenses in their adult life.
Sam. I’ve learned more about narcissism through this video than any other. Thank you.
Wow- this massively shifted how I perceive the narcissists in my life. I’ve known it comes from trauma.. but none of them have told me about their trauma or made those links or explained how it felt to be them (or not-them).
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. This has helped me to understand so much and help me on my road to forgiveness, both of him and myself. Your videos have made such a difference on my journey to heal.
I believe that there is still someone there. Deep and well hidden, but still there and waiting.
Yes! I do feel that too.
I’m pleased to report I’ve dropped from watching several dozen narcissism videos a day to at most a couple a week. I think my loss of interest is the antechamber of indifference, the ultimate healing.
Listening to this….i almost stopped breathing as the truthfulness, and familiarity of every word hit me!!!!
I felt and heard the words to my life story being spoken….never thinking another could have felt the EXACT same way I have felt!
Really an answer, yes ….a sad answer to 60 years of pain, emptiness, disparity within and complete success, accomplishment and external power, beauty, fame…a narcissist dream you could say.
I’m speechless…
Sam, thank you. This is the most moving true confession of a narcissist I have ever heard. And I cried for your losses and those of my ex partner and all of you. I knew all this at the end of our relationship, I had to believe that the change I was so much hoping for would never happen. One day, I will always remember, my ex partner, made me feel the emptiness, this is the closest we ever had been because she was nude in front of me; maybe, and only that time, I want to believe, she trusted me. The compassion and love I had for her was immense. I believed, like you Sam, love could be the cure & this why I stayed & prayed & hoped until I could no more, after 15 years I had to choose to honour my own life, or die. I have posted this video on my FB page and I concluded. To my ex: "God bless you, little sweet wonderful innocent child, you'll be always in my heart because I saw you and I've heard the echos of your voice". I hope she read it, even if it will not make a difference.
I cry for that little boy( in my ex) to this day because I saw him and love him.However there comes a time when you realize that no amount of love can save them and you leave. Tragic.
Yes tragic.
After over decades of dealing with Narcissists and suffering as s victim receiving their inner guilt, fear, and hatred, after watching hing this video, I feel like I have entered the heavens of understanding like never before. Rather than receiving suffering I feel I can be much more compassionate and gear my responses rather than getting caught in a pathological loop of involvement. Deepest gratitude to you for your clear conveyance of the struggle. ❤️🙏 I pray that your struggle will get easier.
The honesty and simplistic approach in this video has me in tears. I now understand. I look forward to being alone to see who I really am without direction or needing to please anyone else but me. It’s scary knowing you are married to someone that you do not trust and that you know wants to hurt you badly. And you know this will never ever change and will always end badly in order to end. This is the deepest collection of words and thoughts that I have ever heard in my life. ‘It’s not religious. It’s diabolical’ yes, I feel like the last 10 years have been a dream. I am awake now for about 2 years. He is shrinking and I am growing.
Sam, I've watched hours and hours of your videos. You've helped me more than any other therapist. Your honesty has been refreshing and freeing. I never would have been able to understand Narcissism the way I do without your sincerity and candor. I've been diagnosed with DID and came from a very evil group of people. I could relate to much of your feelings of indifference and loss of feeling of identity; as well as I felt despair and hopelessness. This video you just made is heart wrenching. I say this out of agape' love. I struggled for years with despair. I know you're not a Christian so I will only write one exact quote. Jesus said that whomsoever falls on this stone shall be broken but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. It's excruciatingly painful to accept the reality of what we've really become but the only true path to knowing who we were meant to be. It's not about religion but relationship. The only real hope for any of us. I hope you will know peace that passes understanding.
Amen 🙏
Wow. These coping mechanisms that are designed to help us survive are just fascinating, we are so adaptable.
Human beings are such amazing and terrifying creatures.
Sam, no matter how much people tell you "you're the best in your field", "your videos changed my life", "you're handsome and interesting", "you're a good friend, author, etc', you still don't believe it? Isn't there any way to convince yourself that you ARE and that you have actually BECOME and that you CAN BE LOVED after everything you have done to help us and how you have contributed to this painful world through your books and videos?
I think that in simpler terms is called a complex or a double bind. You can reason it all you want but your mind will never accept what is reality. There is no convincing that part of you as it will continually rebuke all arguments of reason.
I'm shocked with your raw thuth, thank you from the bottom of my heart, my respect for you.
" *you CAN BE LOVED* "
That's impossible. The only person he gives a hoot about is himself, and he's incapable of loving even that.
All you can do is pity him, but that will remind him of whom he really is, so he will interpret it as a threat and punish you for it.
Alternatively, you can try to love his false self, but that will show you to be easily gullible, pitiful "subhuman" of sorts. A perfect victim.
Narcissists are people who are very very harsh and strict on themselves and by extension to others as well. They live in constant pressure inside that they have pushed their inner selves out of existence because they feel their true self is not important enough and are afraid to listen to their true wants. So they try loving themselves through external things, like achievements , their appearance, their status.. they scream LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE, AND WHAT I APPEAR TO BE SO LOVE ME. All of people nowadays do this in a degree especially in the beginning of their relationships with others but very early or a bit later on they drop the mask and are being more themselves. But diagnosed narcissists do this a lot more and they never really become secure enough inside to be able to calm themselves enough and form a stable fulfilling relationship with someone.
@@don-eb3fj such an interesting perspective- appreciate this comment!
Prof. Sam you are really honest and kind I know this as a fact, how you describe and explain your narcissism, your history, and tell me who will say no to money and say sorry this is not the topic I give consultation for ,you did it, who can be that honest when talking about a war in his country, you did it, you are honest and kind Prof.sam. thanks for your efforts.
thank you for this. My father was a textbook overt narcissist, I spent four years dating a covert, and I’ll be damned if I don’t think I’m at least carrying some of it around with me, too, at this point. I wish for a better world where no child has to sell his soul to his own terrifying imagination to survive, but seeing this helped me understand, more than anything else to date
Thank you for sharing your painful and honest soul-searching dr. Vaknin, with your amazing eloquence!
Incredible man..your honesty has let me understand the relationship I have just left after nearly losing myself trying to be a decent partner..I understand now in a bit more depth & forgive myself for being drawn in..
Heartbreaking and yet so helpful on my path to accepting that the love of my life cannot be helped.
I thought i saw the spark of his true self, like a tiny diamond covered in many layers of dirt. Somehow my heart did, maybe only from another life.
Thank you for your articulate honesty, it will help me to find peace.
Always grateful for you sir for helping us understand the narcissist's experience. I have progressively understood what I went through over the years from your candid exploration of the victim's and narcissist's experience of trauma
Severely bullied in high school, I remember a moment when I realized this strategy exists. That I could decrease my suffering by constructing my own reality, different from what I knew at that point to be the actual reality. But I also knew some people who I had observed behaving in ways for all the time I've known them, that seemed consistent with them having made this same choice. I didn't want to become one of those people, so I made the decision to absorb the suffering, and deal with reality - especially my own weaknesses which I knew at that point exactly what they were - and take all the extra suffering that comes with it. But what if I hadn't known those warning examples of absolute empty shells of human beings?
EDIT: There's a "demotivational poster" that says "MISTAKES: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others". It's obviously a joke, but a thing can be jocular and true at the same time.
Brilliant that you saw this choice, knew to allow the pain and feel it instead of rejecting it, it saved you I bet
From bullies in school and bullies 3 at home, 7 and 8 grade I finished with Dr. Notes and staying at friends home. When her mom comes I go into closet and when she go shower , I go home and our both moms put our brothers on pedestal so we was both only one in that area understanding we not bad, but I felt bad for protecting my emotional being
It is, in many ways, a better choice. But not an easy one.
But, interestingly, I think a mirror of the NPD choice. Anti-narcissism? All that matters is the truth and reality.
Which, interestingly, like criminals and cops, is not as clear-cut as it would appear, and often a symbiotic (and hence very dangerous) relationship.
After all, who is going to be the most interesting person for someone with NPD to control or destroy, than the person who willingly takes on the pain they can’t take on?
And who is going to be the one most willing to fool themselves that they’re actually looking at the real truth, than someone that considers that more important than anything else? But when it’s too hard to actually look at, since it will kill them?
This is the most profound video ive ever heard . Thank you Sam . Its the cherry on top of the cake for me . I can never go back into my mothers fantasy world ever or be gaslit ! I feel its time . IM taking back my POWER !!
I feel you man. I have two kids and been married almost 20 years and nobody knows who I really am. They would think I'm some kind of Emotional Monster.
Get help man. Stop hurting the people who love you. That is just evil.
@@leanne123 I don’t hurt anyone by not telling them I have no real feelings.
@@WhoDoUthinkUryou do though..
@@WhoDoUthinkUrjust because you dont say it doesn’t mean they can’t feel it and that’s driving them crazy
@@lexivonhelsenSo what should he do about that? :)
It can't be done right?
As a Dismissive Avoidant I can relate to his fear of shame. When the image I have of myself is attacked I get very insecure. It’s my first response to defend the image of myself I want people to believe in. As a DA Shame is probably the scariest emotion emotion I’ve ever encountered.
I appreciate and thank you, Professor Vaknin for sharing insights that took me 15 years to grasp.
I thought I was going crazy!
I have released him with love to a life that is meaningful to ONLY him and I am free 😢.
I was crying throughout the video. Folks, we cannot even imagine the level of pain that is inside Narcissist mind and soul. The way Sam has put all the feelings that a Narcissist might never find words for (because of the denial mode 24*7) and still have to carry a self, that they think is authentic (but is false) is excruciating to any legitimate being. I can't imagine a single second of my life, being in the pain that is inside of them. Whatever trauma happened in their childhood, big or small, the pain that they carry is real. Unfortunately, they cannot be vulnerable otherwise we could have helped them. I truly, through this video, have concluded that their internalised pain, has made them that way, and they do everything to protect, the already false self. I truly feel sorry for the emptiness that is in them, but even after wanting to, cannot feel sorry for the pain that they CAUSE. :(
I wholly believe they can heal, and I believe I know how. I haven't found anyone yet that heals them as I believe it can be done.
Sam, you are the more honest human, to helps us to understand very clear, what is all horrible complexity behind the big masks of the narciso.
@@EmbraceTerrorI'm listening...
@@EmbraceTerrorhow
.. I can't stop crying...I can't help you... thanks for your explanation 🌻
I no longer try to understand narcissists I avoid them as much as I can. No explanations from a twisted, tormented mind are relevant enough to let one of them into my life (again). Hurt people hurt people - they are traumatizing those who love them and as long as they don’t try to heal it’s just pointless.
Best wishes and goodbye!
Once I realised this very fact about my ex husband, that's when my freedom and liberation began. It was sudden and incredibly disorienting because I could have never imagined that this was even a possibility for a human being but it's the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I can only hope that people who wish karma upon the narcissist can realise that their very daily existence is karma. There's really no point wishing anything good or bad upon the narcissist because it's a complete waste of time and energy.
Big respect to you Professor Sam Vaknin, this broke my heart so much bravery right here. Much gratitude for this video and all your help you’ve given me throughout my journey.
What a human story and tragedy - more common than one realises
How I exp. my false self vid ... Wholy Cow Sam, your insight into yourself is incredible, fascinating to say the least. Edit: Absence masquerating as presence. Awesome words. Sorry to hear about your childhood, no child should have to go through that. You are helping so many understand this disease, and to heal themselves. God speed to you sir.
tlThis was a painfully beautiful testimony Professor. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your life and feelings as a narcissist. So sorry your start in life corrupted and enslaved you to a false self. I have been watching your videos for a couple years now and you always provide the best explanations. Just doing this is of great benefit and service to others, and I for one am very grateful to you for your time in creating them. Obviously none of what happened in your childhood was ever your fault. You may feel like your false self has taken over completely, but I feel another vibration when watching you so I don't believe you are an empty shell. I'm sure you're tired, but you should be proud of your own self-awareness and willingness to educate others. Thank you so much and keep on loving ❤❤❤
When you ask: "what would be left behind when the false self is gone?" The reverberations of pain and hurt that you describe can obviously not function as a healthy true self. Since it is nothing more then a disturbed unregulated mesh of negative emotions. But there is something there that unfortunately had to take on that form. If what is left truly wasn't of any importance, then what is the false self trying to protect? I'd like to believe that there must be something there to work with, to mould back into some form or shape, that might eventually be the beginning of a true voice. What if in the narcissist mind the conviction of emptiness and being nothing but the false self, is in fact part of the final defence line in an ultimate effort to deny the existance of what is left of what should have become..
That's what I'm wondering as well. For myself, I can still feel "a split," in my personality (& I know when it happened at age 11, because I actually felt/saw/heard the color & sound drain out of my inner perception/view of the world in an instant, like an old record winding down in a horror movie), maybe because the worst, most terrifying phase of my abuse started a bit later & I'd already started forming an identity, when the split finalized? (IDK, just speculating.) But at 54, I still feel there's an anxious, terrified child left to be salvaged. But that she's (I'm) sort of hibernating?
I still hear "my true voice," first every moment, but it's almost always cast aside, ridiculed, etc. by a Greek chorus of various "mean girl" inner voices that sabotage every positive idea, circumstance, & hope. What I perceive as my "real" voice is the one who is weak, scared, exhausted, easily overwhelmed... the one who was hurt & made myself lesser, till there was practically nothing left to harm. The false self? that tried to step forward & play the game, so to speak, was the brave one who remained hypervigilant to protect "the little one." The other voices collectively feel like the ones who try to step forward & portray what I am not. But it's like a cacophony of different voices, all arguing with each other, some feel protective, some feel like they just want to run the show. Meanwhile, the little me sleeps, covers her ears like a toddler, or goes dormant, kinda. It it feels like there's still a part of me who want to wake up, but the other voices don't allow it. I have one voice in my head who says things like, "Let that child sleep, if she wakes up... someday, she's gonna go "Carrie" on all ya'll!" 👀 It feels like all these voices have something to be gained by keeping me asleep, whether it's from their fear, protection, or perpetuating themselves. It's exhausting & confusing. For me, it's different in some ways than Sam describes, but also spot on, in other ways. I don't know if mine is coming from narcissism or something adjacent.
Thank you Sam for your videos. This one in particular is eerily familiar in a way. Forgive me if my terminology is not accurate. I'm still trying to piece things together, in every sense of the phrase.
@pugonato I saw a part of your reply in my notifications, but I can’t seem to find your entire reply, so I’m replying here. (I can’t see the part where you describe your ex.)
In answer to your question, I don’t know exactly why. I’m not sure whether I’m a narcissist, infected by my narcissist parents, or am suffering from that phenomenon where the more you read about something, the more you think it describes you.
I do know that as far back as I can recall, I spent every moment trying to figure out my mother & trying to change or repress whatever I could about myself that displeased her. And that even with time away & distance, my husband says I still change back into that other person, when I’m around her for holidays.
Also, I was raised in a very strict evangelical fundamentalist household. Every moment I wasn’t worried about “mother,” I was worried about “God.” I developed what I now have read was “scrupulosity,” which is a form of OCD where you’re fixated? on religion. As I child & young adult, I was hyper-focused on all my thoughts, words, & deeds, evaluating them to see if had committed any sin. (In fact, I remember during my prayers asking for forgiveness even for whatever I couldn’t remember that I might have done wrong, because I was afraid that even the thought that I hadn’t sinned that day, was in itself a sin.)
I was taught to be obedient & selfless, which turned out to be disastrous & set me up to be the perfect victim of my so called Christian father when he became sexually abusive.
Suffice it to say, between my mother, father, & God, someone was always going to be angry or disappointed in me, every day, including myself. It’s not a pleasant way to grow up. I don’t recommend it, lol.
As an adult, I’m sure you can tell I’m not very stable. When I look back, I can see things through multiple lenses, but the glass is fragmented & shattered, like looking through a kaleidoscope of the dammed. I look back with sadness, alarm, fear, rage, & sometimes humor, though I suspect that my odd sense of humor is a protective defensive mechanism. But above all, I have a fierce determination to not pass all my baggage down to my daughter. I want her legacy to be her own & not mine. I don’t know if it is possible, but I’m gonna try.
I don't understand the utility of using the word disregulated or unregulated. It seems to me that a 4-year old boy came up with a method for regulating himself when no one was "regulating" his alleged caregivers.
@@lavenderbluemama953 I think you're doing just fine navigating treacherous waters (demeaning parents, religion,etc.) as best you can against their destructive forces.
I give you a gold medal!!! ❤
@@EmbraceTerroryou’re correct - but it’s like trying to control the speed and direction of a car by looking at the reaction of your passenger.
Can someone drive a car that way? Well, kind of. If the passenger is attentive, they could avoid most collisions anyway!
But it would be avoiding catastrophe, not going where they wanted to go by intention.
Sometimes they don’t have a choice though, like in broken situations he’s describing.
It statistically doesn’t tend to produce great outcomes, compared to looking at the road, at least if one cares about car crashes, health and safety, either.
Notably, that is true for the driver and the passenger.
But, if one doesn’t know any better, it *seems* to work better for the passenger for awhile if you go off the passengers reactions.
After all, if you look at just the road and ignore the passenger, they’ll get scared sometimes, they’ll be bored often, etc.
The dysregulation is because that is a descriptive term of the actual state someone is in with NPD. Their body is constantly ‘swerving’ all over the place because it refuses to actually look at the ‘road’, because at an early age it was taught that was impossible/bad.
Thank you, Prof. Vaknin, for sharing your story and helping us understand the false self. I used to have a covert narcissist in my life and during the discard phase I was developing myself a false self to cope with the abuse, so I can imagine how it is formed in the proto-narcissist child. Thank you for what you do. Your work and insights are brillant.
I felt just today I am doing the same just to cope with the pain and then I realized that is just a glimpse of what it must have been like for a child lacking language, maturity, and resources.
“A dream” is exactly what my former partner always referred to me as and our love. He was not aware of narcissism but he was unconsciously describing to a tee exactly what you articulate as your experience and of your research.I was never there with him because he was never there with me. It was a but a dream. Always will be. It’s how I’ve been able to approach therapy and find my accountability. I wanted the escape. Until I didn’t. Incredible life lesson for me. No regrets.
That's pure honesty ...
For what it's worth, your testimony and eloquent descriptions (and "big ten dollar words") of both your life and narcissism--and related topics--have helped me tremendously through dealing with my own, my father's, and in becoming better equipped to listen, empathise, and understand some of my family's narcissistic tendencies.
It's been a long journey for me and still continues. I feel like I've gained my humanity back--although it tends to slip in and out of existence sometimes (through dissociation and fantasy which meditation has helped me continuously re-recognise).
Thanks for saving those of us who had more time to reverse the curse. 🙏
P.S. I've got to say, you do a really fantastic job of feeling like a human being to me. It feels nice. Hope this doesn't hurt to hear. (Or that this last expression of hope itself doesn't.)
All the best ❤
I cried at the end when you talked about hoping to be loved enough to flower and discover yourself. The fact that you can't makes me angry at the universe.
he needs to love himself! be aware of his thoughts, don't take them as truths, and show compassion to himself. Nothing comes from the outside, inner work is needed
You are a voice for all the narcissists in my life and for my own responsibilities in maintaining relationships with those that I love. With the larger scale Israel Palestine black hole vacuum that has such a hold on me, I am satisfied with this explanation somehow giving me clarity on where I can rest in perspective, for a least a minute or two.
You are a gift, thank you for having such a conscience, it matters.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse from my father and several romantic partners this makes sense to me. But it's frightening to look into someone else's void. My last ex gave out no real energy as a person and it often felt like being next to a black hole when I was with him. All his words seemed false, fake. Especially when he said he loved me. Narcissists drag us into their depersonalised state and their void when we are with them. It's taken me so long to start existing again as my own person after spending so much time with empty people. It's amazing what deep trauma does to us all. So sad. For the narcissists and even more so for us who suffer as a result of their conditions
È da un po che la seguo e in questo video mi ha toccato profondamente. Io mi sono ritrovata completamente nel suo vissuto. Grazie perché mi ha fatto sentire meno sola. L'Italia la saluta con stima
Oh I can't stop crying. For you Sam, and for my ex. I knew he was damaged, as was I, but I thought he'd be able to be healed out of it with love, support, and therapy like I was. I don't know how I didn't become a narcissist or have any personality disorders myself. I even ask my last two therapists if they're sure I don't.
My childhood and young adulthood was horrific too. But maybe the difference for me was I had one parent that showed me enough love and care to save me from the other parent by divorcing them and not forcing me to see them. Then I got into therapy in my 20s after two failed attempts at relationships. The first was with a psychopathic narcissist that almost unalived me many times. The next was a bi-polar alcoholic that went off his meds, lost his mind and threatened to unalive me also. By my third relationship I was having major issues trying to cope with life.
A part of me thinks I'm strong enough to love my ex, it hurts my heart that he can't feel the love and has to treat me horribly to protect himself. Maybe that's my personality disorder, whatever that's called. I want to love the wounded.
Thank you Sam for sharing this, somehow it changed my perspective enough that although my heart is broken, I feel more at peace and accepting.
This is the best video on narcissism I have ever seen. Hauntingly beautiful and poetic.
It's one thing to learn about narcissism from books and classes but this insight from you is precious and it should be seen by every psychology student.
I could feel your sorrow. You managed to describe your inner world so well that it elevated my understanding of narcissism to the next level - compassion.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and personal story. It's heartbreaking and priceless. 😢❤
Thank you for sharing your powerful testimony. I hope you find peace in your life. You are so generous in giving that I hope you shall receive abundantly ❤
Sam, I salute you as a physician for the depth of your understanding and describing the complexity of the inner self with such an outstanding honesty and bravery🙏💐
Your personal account of your journey of becoming and being of your false self, I find heartfelt. Your videos have helped me to understand the narcisistic spectrum, in my fight to understand my lover, for understanding brings me closer to the truth of what drives our fantasy time together, and need to be together sometimes, for however long it lasts. I love the fantastical and unusual, the passion, the awakening of myself through him. I recognise the mother in me towards him, my true mother, being narcisistic and the pain I suffered under her care, though had to be a carer to her pains.
Thank you for your this sacrifice. You gave me a great gift. To forgive him, to left him, most importantly to forgive myself.
Very interesting, thought-provoking, insightful and elaborate things you say in this video. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 21. It started when I was 15 years old and I faced new experiences that gradually worsened the condition. Which means I struggled to cope with no therapy between the ages of 15-21. And I can tell everyone that cares to know that something similar to the protective-mechanism of a false self happened to me, I experience life through a shield that won’t hurt me personally in any significantly damaging way. I’m tough as a rock and my friends sometimes don’t understand how I can go on after something major happens in my life. But it doesn’t touch me, experiences doesn’t really face me, I have the ability to experience life as from the other side of a mirror and sometimes I play theatre in order to go on with my days. It’s quite a strange feeling, and doesn’t seem to be something a lot of people do to cope with life. Although I’m certain I don’t have NPD (since I can get in ”touch” with my present and very true to the core self), but I’m on evaluation for BPD. Which I’m quite certain I do have. I derealize and depersonalize and sometimes life is like a rollercoaster emotionally and with my relationships, and I’m protecting my core to whatever cost. I remember a time I wasn’t like this when I was 14. I remember a time I only had GAD and depression. I remember PTSD. But whatever developed through the years 15-25 has been by far the most interesting of disordered thought-patterns and internal life. Very strange to experience this. Can’t relate completely to an NPD experience. But I just wanna say that I have a lot of respect for you and this video was so enlightening as to how the human-experience can be after trauma.
This is hauntingly beautiful.
My journey began with trying to forgive myself which requires understanding. Get out of the maze of too muchlearning and regain your sense of self. Love it protect it. Its there you are one of a kind.
This is exactly my mother. She has passed but this was exactly how she she was. I learned a lot about her condition because I had to for my own survival. I must say, it is extremely sad. I was by her bedside when she passed at the age of 80, but the person laying there in the bed was no older than a toddler. She died out of her own volition. I think, since I had to buy into her fantasy, I had to learn how to become her, and as a result I, too, felt this vast void within myself. Ten years of therapy with an amazing therapist and the will to endure a lot of emotional pain, helped me gradually overcome the void. An ongoing healing process.
No words. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for sharing. Much love to you.
Thankyou for sharing! I cannot even begin to understand or even accept the cruelty you were subjected to as a small child that instigated your Narcissism. I have been a grateful fan for many years and watched most of your videos. I started by chance after going through a serious Narcissistic relationship.Still affecting me in many ways 3years later. So kind of you in opening Pandora's Box it was mind blowing and so very sad.
I think I have narcissistic traits. Having been a gifted child, I succeeded in very selective studies and was always congratulated. My parents didn't offer me any emotional support and I became addicted to being admired by my peers.
I met a boy who told me I was perfect for a few months, only to put me down and insult me in the months that followed. When I left him, I fell in love again with a boy who did exactly the same thing. I was severely depressed. These were the only two people with whom I didn't have my 'false self', but to whom I showed my imperfections and my doubts, and these two people hurt me.
I am now in my early twenties. To rebuild myself, I realise that I've tried to make my inner self disappear: I have the impression that everyone prefers my 'false self' anyway, which has no apparent flaws. There's an 'idea of me' that I'm conforming to, and I don't know how to get out of it.
I think all this is also very much linked to the society we live in, which encourages this kind of behaviour.
Thank you for this very touching and honest video x
(and sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language)
deep, transparent and beautifully honest. thank you
Prof. Vaknin: Thank you for sharing what no narcissist will ever share. This helps me so much to understand and to heal. From a survivor of narcissistic abuse. 🙏
hearing your heartrending account... without a bulletproof vest, still alive after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse(father, mother, brother)
In cristaline isolation, I am still here, present and yet...
🖤💔❤️... 👋May I give you and your wife a warm hug
Thank you for sharing this, it helps to understand a bit more my close relative who has similar childhood experience. It is clear she can't behave in different way, thanks to you. I admire your intelligence and eloquence, wish you all the best
This is incredibly insightful, brutally honest and very sad. I've been researching npd for 15 years because of my abusive mother and siblings. It's very hard to get inside a narcissists head and this has been very helpful. Thank you Sam.
What a contribution to the world.
Thank you for making us deeply understand.
I'm no narcissist(I think) but I think having some borderline traits that I realised recently. I can feel you actually, but only to the point i can imagine how deep the core is buried.
I can most of the time get a head out to breathe. Ty again prof.
Mr Vaknin, You have my deepest respect for this...and my deepest compassion.