Why Living Out Your Dream May Ruin You
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- Опубліковано 21 вер 2020
- Many people have secret dreams that they believe would make them happy. I've personally met various individuals who wanted to leave their jobs and families to travel to India or Nepal and to become a spiritual monk. This dream also reminds me of other far reaching ideas such as wanting to become a famous youtuber, the best fighter in the world or living out some other type of idea of success. Yet what if living out your dream would leave you worse than you were before?
In this video essay I share a story about Thomas, a man who quit his job to pursue his dream of becoming a Zen monk, how he eventually became disillusioned with his journey and finally learned to discover fulfilment where he already was.
Learn here why follow your passion may be a bad advice: • Why Follow Your Passio...
Also why talent is overrated: • Why The Importance of ...
#Dreams #Passion #Buddhism
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
I was about to comment the same thing!
You can chop the wood and carry water in a monastary or in the city, either way, if you're alive, you gotta live.
Arguably Thomas needed to have the experience in the monastery to understand how he could be satisfied returning to his day job.
He had the stones to embark on the journey and gained insight.
The insight enabled him to find fulfillment in activities he previously found dull and meaningless.
I dont agree that this anecdote should serve as a cautionary tale to pursuing your passion.
The meaning of this story to me, is its highlighting the importance of living authentically, listening to your subconscious desires, and having the courage to pursue them.
That he didn't arrive at the point he initially planned to, and in fact arriving back at "square 1" does not render the adventure pointless in my view.
Far from it, in fact he arrived back to his "home" transformed with new knowledge.
It's the heros journey.
It's a good point and a difficult one to argue with, unless for the sake of arguing, especially since we are at a hypothetical level here. But I do think your point is a valuable one and worth considering. Maybe it is more wise to embark on a journey to live out a dream doing it gradually and being aware of each step, noticing and being honest whether it is really what you are looking for. This idea reminds me of the concept of little bets as presented by Peter Sims in his book: www.amazon.com/Little-Bets-Breakthrough-Emerge-Discoveries/dp/1439170436
I'm also thinking here about Seth Godin's idea of "Winner quit all the time" as presented in "The Dip", pointing out that quitting and even changing course at the right time is a crucial part of eventual success.
Our discussion also reminds me of a question in parenting: if everything will be forbidden, a child may only feel compelled to try out the forbidden sooner or later without understanding the reasoning behind the imposed limitation. The other extreme would be to completely refrain from telling the child anything and allowing him to entirely learn from his personal experience and mistakes. But in the end though, I personally think that the middle way is the best. To inform about possible errors, yet give the space to try, and if it indeed turns out to be a failure, to be supportive in the process of recovery and gathering of wisdom based on that experience.
Great question and lots of food for thought. I'm sure I'll explore this subject further and deeper in my future videos :)
Thanks for replying, I just found your channels and they are super interesting, the new one even more so.
I'll check out those ideas/ authors, they're new on me.
IMO you are a better example than the character in the story, in terms of someone who really put it on the line to pursue a dream. I'd find it harder to make that point about it being necessary to respond to forces that call on us, if you said your experiences didn't have the same "part of the journey" necessary quality when you reflect on them.
Just watching some of your other videos I don't think you've 100pc decided that yourself! (At least you seem to feel there might have been a shorter route)
As someone coming from a background of playing it safe, I am inclined to disavow that as a good strategy!
Health Warning
I think we need to separate out impulsive fantasies and dysfunctional avoidance of immediate challenge from a real curiosity or vocationally calling.
i would draw a big distinction between someone like you taking a journey in martial arts to MMA, an area were you have a lifelong interest and a real burning need for answers, and a teen who isn't even in the church choir giving up school and going to Hollywood to become a pop star.
Thank you, I'm really glad to hear you are enjoying both channels! This one is still very much a work in progress, but I'm glad to hear you find it interesting and will do my best to keep evolving it well :)
You are making good points again. I actually related myself with the character in the story in some of my endeavors, but interestingly enough didn't think so much about comparing it to my own Aikido Dojo story :) When I think about my own life there is pretty much nothing that I would change that happened in the past, since it taught me so much and most of the value that I am creating today derives and is inspired by both my successes, but even more so failures. So yeah, I guess it makes sense to go on a quest sometimes to figure things out. But I do think the story from the video is still a great one to let people know that as you mentioned yourself, some dreams maybe more akin to "impulsive fantasies and dysfunctional avoidance of immediate challenge" and it's important to consider that possibility. Also, the stories tells that it is possible to discover happiness in an everyday life and more or less "regular" vocations, while I've met many people (and I can't say I haven't thought so myself at times) that a happy life can happy only under extraordinary conditions. So I guess in the end, there are good things to learn from the story/video, but also great and very important to do what you did too - to question it and to consider other sides and aspects of it
Zen fable I first heard in Charlie Wilson's War comes to mind:
A long time ago in a village a boy got a horse for this 14th birthday.
And everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. The boy got a horse"
And the Zen master says, "We'll see."
Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everyone in the village says, "How terrible."
And the Zen master says, "We'll see."
Then, a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs all messed up. and everybody in the village says, "How wonderful."
And the Zen master says, "We'll see..."
Things rarely go the way you expect or want.
Well, in fact he went for his dream, he reached it and the subsecuent fact it was that after that, he was happier. If he didnt go to reach his dream, he would be unhappy in the office, because ge wanted to live his dream.
Now this guy have completed his journey and now he is happier.
You Rokas, you went for your dream and you reached it...now is the time when you realice some other things that probably you wouldnt if you didnt go for it.
I think its good if you have a dream, try to go for it and naturally you would think that is the best, so this would give you the strenght to continue. Then if you reach it and you feel that this was not what you wanted, its also very good because in the way you have learned important thigs, and maybe the most important thing you will learn is on the top of your dream.
And turning a hobby into a job can make the hobby feel like a chore!
Very true! It's a tough balance to nail!
This channel is a gold among the dirt of what I call toxic/fake positivity or life lesson channels. I have stumbled upon so many of them which claim stuff that is purely not applicable in real life or is inherently flawed or rinsed from the popular media.
Thankyou for sharing your content which give a more insightful, rational and realist idea of life. It gives understanding of how the popular media is flawed sometimes and how our own biases cause us to believe in stuff that lead us to failure. Even if some of them are bitter it is better than sweet lies. Hahaha...
Glad to know you see it that way! And it means a lot for me to hear it, since it is one of my motivating forces of making these videos. Like you said there are so many toxic/fake positivity (well chosen words) gurus out there and so many people buy into them only much later realizing that following their advice made them eventually end up at a place even worse (or at least the same) as they were before. I'll continue to do my best to create content which relies on research data and a realistic, wholesome look at these subjects.
@@Rokasleo Thankyou for answering by comment and please keep up with your good work. Me and my friends with whom I have shared your videos love it and adore it. Hoping to see similar great content ahead. Lots of love...❤️🔥🙏
This is a great video.
The reality is that we are not going to be "saved" by some new condition, as soon as we have our basic needs of food, relative stability and ability to provide for yourself, everything else is how you percieve life.
Moving to a new city, getting a dream job, becoming rich or famous... All of those things mean nothing if there is nothing inside to hold it together, fulfillment isn't only external, such as from riches nor only internal, from meditation, both things contribute to it.
Generaly speaking the fantasy is always better than the reality. Such is the mind.
Do you mean in regards to "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence"? If so, do you personally feel there is a solution to this mindset?
@@Rokasleo The solution, is experience.
@@t.russaltevers1820 or being honist with your self thet lifes not fiction and nuthing is perfikt
“May all your dreams but one come true, for what is life without a dream?”
― David Gemmell
😔this video + the "follow your passion is a bad idea" emphasize a lot in thinking about the pros and cons of chasing your desires
That's a good observation. I actually experienced both sides, the good and the bad, of following my dreams/passion for more than a decade now and I wish some of the things that were said in these videos would had been told to me years ago 😅 Hence, why I am making these videos in the first place :)
@@Rokasleo thanks for making time to reply my comment.
Back to your comment, if it were warning about some stuff earlier, maybe you wouldn't have got the big picture.😁
@@lenel2926 That is a good point as well :) I think though a mix of knowledge and personal experience is the best way to go, so that not everything goes through trial and error and some external wisdom would be used as guidance and then the process of learning through error may become more informed too. But of course, few things beat direct experience :)
really, really Brilliant! I went through this whole cycle twice in my life. The first time I was too immature to carry over into very different new life setting. The
second time was 20 years later and is still lasting. But even though, I do have my moments, slipping into these escapist thoughts and it frequently needs a conscious
effort to pull me out of it. But having figured out the back story, there is no bitter or sad feeling lingering around after that pulling out.
I guess the real trick is recognizing and appreciating when your life is already awesome
You're making a good point. I'd also elaborate by saying it's important to recognize and appreciate things, which Are already awesome in your life and also slowly build up the life that you desire where you are, instead of dreaming that it would be entirely different, and "so much better" somewhere else / doing something completely different. This way eventually doing something else may become possible too, but it will just be a cool addition and not a salvation. It's my personal experience that if I'm not able to be happy where I am now, being happy elsewhere may be very difficult too
@@Rokasleo wow, what a way to elaborate on my comment. I feel like I fed you a cross and you showed me four sides throw.
Thank you sir.
@@nealaikin5973 Haha 😁 Thank you, your comment inspired this reflection which is what matters most!
Interestingly, my understanding of Thomas’ story is very different. I think it is exactly that he was able to follow his dreams is that he became more successful and happy in life. Imagine what would had happened if he didn’t go to zen monastery. His questions that were eating him from inside would remain unanswered, causing unhappiness and anxiety. He might end up being an alcoholic, chronically depressed, suicidal, and could even take his own life. But his pursuit of his dreams helped him find the answers, even though not the ones he expected, and he was able to calm down and move on. Zen practice helped him to become a wiser person, which probably also contributed to his success at work that would not be as great otherwise.
Bottom line, we cannot judge what is wright or wrong by one example. I am sure there are countless success stories of people pursuing and achieving their dreams which also contributed to their happiness. I am also a strong believer in “folk wisdom”, and consider following your dreams part of this wisdom, which usually stick with us because it was tested by time.
Finally, since we are talking about the pursuit of happiness, I cannot not to mention my favourite Arthur Schopenhauer, who defined three contributors to happiness: 1. Who we are; 2. What we have; and 3. What others think of us. Interestingly, the first contributor is the most powerful one, on a magnitude of 10 to 1, yet most people spend vast majority of their lives chasing the other two. They spend so much energy for so little in return, and then they spend even more energy preserving what they achieved, no wonder that most of them remain unhappy inside. Isn’t it amazing? Maybe you should explore deeper this phenomenon.
Good points. The question of whether Thomas' journey to the temple was in the end a success or failure, is one I kept pondering a lot about, especially after releasing this video. I look at in high regard at the philosophies that failure is essential for eventual success and that it should be embraced and at many times - not avoided in a very effortful way. Still, I think it's important to tell this story in this way as a cautionary one, so that some people who would go through a similar journey would realize earlier that maybe the lesson is at a different place than they expected. Also, to make the point that we can potentially be happy where we are, as long as we have the right approach to it. So in the end, I think the story is still valuable, but indeed - if someone would ask me if dreams shouldn't be pursued at all - of course I'd say no :)
Regarding the science of happiness, that's on my list to take a deep look at and to explore later in the future for sure. Currently I am mainly focused on debunking talent and success, but I think the importance of happiness is closely related to it, so time will come for it for sure :)
Yes the grass does always seem greener on the other side. A friend of my family s went off to do her 'dream job' and found it wasn't at all like she expected. But now at least she knows better about which job would make her happy.
That's a good question that I keep pondering about. Is it better for the person to experience first hand the disillusionment about a dream job or to try to receive wisdom and awareness that it will be the case and save the trouble? I keep thinking that I guess the middle ground would the best. Try out a dream job first hand, but maybe best do it not as an all-in quest, but maybe experience it in a smart way. I'm still thinking about it though :)
@@Rokasleo there are ways to try it. For example, pre lockdown, I would have done some work experience (volunteering) in a role, to find out more about it. But as we say in the UK 'don t give up the day job' until your sure the dream one feels right.
Good point
I have had dreams. Some have been met and some still working on. Dreams can be elusive for sure and can be interrupted or worse turn into nightmares.!
What I realized is that it is rather arbitrary whether you succeed or not as there is likely always some one else who has the same dream and can either be as good as or surpass you.(I am thinking of developing a skill or knowledge). Either way someone is achieving that goal or skill or knowledge whatever it may be. This can take the burden off your shoulders because you are following the dream for your own growth and enjoyment then, not necessarily to achieve greatness. Your dream chasing then becomes a form of self learning. Obsticals like jobs or other hindrances are a necessity for living,, annoying at times but also a great contrast to whatever dream you are chasing.
In the end it is you experiencing the dream and the anti-dream.. The satisfaction with either. Is really a state of mind.
I like your point on the importance of enjoying the process. I actually was discussing the same thing with my friend today, that as long as achieving of the dream is not the most important thing in your life, and that's not where you put all of your faith, and instead you focus on enjoying the journey and seeing where it takes you, that - is much better
Happiness is the journey
Great video, made me think of something Bruce Lee said; (he may have got it from someone else) A goal doesn't always have to be reached it can serve as something to aim at to bring you forward" maybe a dream can serve a similar purpose.
really nice topic it shines a light on something important we have to take into account that sometimes its best to just roll with what works. This rings ttue for me especially since the things I'm good at are far and few between and I know to myself that finding something that I excel at in the work place is more than sufficient for me. Even my dream of becoming a video editor has a basis in being one of the few things I was even remotely decent at whixh is probably why I chose it
I think choosing something as a potential career path that you are naturally inclined to do can be a great advantage and if you have a fair amount of experience before you start hunting for work is great too. A dream of being a video editor sounds very realistic and doable too. It's more worrisome when someone dreams from the get-go about something which is very unlikely to happen, or if the person has almost no direct experience in what it really feels like to be living out that dream and have fantasies how things are "much better out there".
Reading your comment I'm also remembering an idea from GaryVee to not hesitate to also initially focus not as much on making money in a new career, as much as building up your career capital (skill/experience), even by taking small paying (or sometimes even free) jobs, also building a portfolio and network in that way. Of course, this is just an idea where context needs to be taken into account, but Gary's suggestion does come to my mind :) This way a "dream" is slowly being built up, rather than an image of a final destination being dreamed about
@@Rokasleo Thanks man this was really encouraging to hear, all that's left now is to strive to make it a reality
i can see this working for people who are fulfilled easily by simply socializing and being good at stuff they chose to do
though on the other hand i may be just missing the agility to feel connected in an averment or lake the sight to see if i am competent at tasks given by a job and have form this mind set do to that ..
i think people truly need to bilevel in what they do or just have never questioned the legitimates of things in the world for the SDT theory to even apply
Ironically, if you have the right mentality and awareness, you are also more likely to achieve your dream, as you are more open to opportunities and in a better state of mind.
The journey is more important than the goal. A lot of people don't get it, it's something easy to understand consciously but hard to practice internally. Thomas needed to spend much effort before realizing it by.. well, practicing.
I would also suggest anyone interested in this to have a look at the Tao Te Ching and philosophical Taoism. Wu Wei is a very similar idea.
Regrading this: "Ironically, if you have the right mentality and awareness, you are also more likely to achieve your dream, as you are more open to opportunities and in a better state of mind.", I'd also say that with the right mentality and awareness there is a greater chance that an individual would not only choose a better way to pursue his dream/goal, but will also choose a more realistic goal, which will more likely live up to expectations
Your channel is really inspiring. I sent a message to your website though but not sure if it was received.
I really enjoy your content.
Thank you 🙏 When did you send the message? What was the message about?
@@Rokasleo hello Rokas, the message was me about about tips of how I can organize content like you do. I am new to you to be but channels like yours are very inspiring:)
I sent it I think two weeks ago? But I understand cause you definitely get floods of emails.
@@jayartorres4604 I might have not received the message because of the email system of the website. Regarding your question though, I've made a couple of videos where I reveal how I do everything on UA-cam in detail. I'd suggest to take a look at them, I'm sure you would find most answer there:
1) ua-cam.com/video/GACR15dLvlc/v-deo.html
2) ua-cam.com/video/jVCN_oQoPH0/v-deo.html
If you'll have additional questions though, let me know.ua-cam.com/video/GACR15dLvlc/v-deo.html
@@Rokasleo thanks Rokas will definitely do:) truly I learn a lot from your videos.
Got it give up on your dreams and focus on your work until you die
😁 Well, not really. I guess I did not emphasize enough the importance of not only learning to appreciate and enjoy what you are already doing, but even more so - to do the work you do in a better, smarter way which makes way for creating much better working circumstances that lead to much more satisfaction (AKA. the creation of conditions according to the SDT theory: autonomy, competence, relatedness)
"When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed." That's a line from a Marilyn Manson song that I first heard in my teens, and it's stuck with me in life. Many forms of Buddhism teach that heaven and hell are no different, it's just your attachment to them that creates suffering. I'm not a Buddhist. But I do think there's some merit in the idea that wherever you are, there too are your problems.
Enlightenment is a fantasy in itself. No one in real life can ascent to a new level of being. That's all bs. There is only a novice choosing a path and taking the journey to hopefully become a master before they die. Most die before mastery. It's life. It's unfair.
This seems a little bit too much like giving into the status quo. Be happy with what you have and don't question it and just continue to be a part of the corporate machine.
I see how that may be the conclusion after watching this video, but I think it bounces back to a problem of limited information presented through a single video. What I probably should have emphasized more are the three aspects of what apparently makes us feel satisfaction in our working environment and that is autonomy, competence and relatedness. If those are not around, then I believe we can feel miserable in most of our life and I don't think that should be accepted. I think it is great to strive for change, to seek to become better and to develop better and more desirable circumstances in life - and I'm all about that. I actually explored that aspect more in my previous video of "Why follow your passion is bad advice" here ua-cam.com/video/gHOU4JfKj_U/v-deo.html
And having dreams isn't a problem either if they are a positive motivating force, that stimulates hard work and change and doesn't make us feel miserable. That being said though, the described example here is one which I have experienced at times myself and witnessed in others too - it's when a person doesn't care about changing their current situation whatsoever and they are all about dreaming about an ideal scenario, which if "one day would happen, I would be happen then". Not only can this belief be very toxic and lead to a lot of suffering and inability to appreciate what already is, but as described in the video it may potentially not even create the desired positive feedback even if we live out that fantasy, since the idea that we are missing this one amazing experience, too often is unrealistic and is not the real issue.
I want to quit my job when I have a money equivalent to US$1M. With that money I just need to deposit it and take the money from it and live regular life. And more focusing in martial arts in Judo and BJJ.
Do you have a detailed plan how to earn the 1M$?
@@Rokasleo Yes, I sell sugar now with my wife.
Right now, I have money that even I don't have to work for 10 years, I still can do a living (but in the 10 years I will become a homeless :-D)
Since Pandemic my earnings from selling sugar is decrease that much. But we must keep fighting to get through this pandemic.
Added:
I still work as Software Developer too.
@@m5a1stuart83 Congratulations on your success! I hope the pandemic will ease off and your business will be back to normal :)
Software developer may not be a 1 million bet, but it's a great profession and one which usually doesn't struggle to find work, I find
Superficial and subjective video.
Hmm... Are you sure there is no bias in your response? I agree that the video focuses more on one aspect of this situation, but I believe it's suggesting a very important aspect which many dreamers don't consider. Also, it's more or less a continuation of a previous video where I share my personal story and that of quite a handful people, which I suggest taking a look at here: ua-cam.com/video/gHOU4JfKj_U/v-deo.html
One way or another I'm more than happy to discuss about your disagreements. Your comment gives really little information to work with 🙂
@@Rokasleo looked at your other vid. These are very long stretched ways of saying: "to be succesful at what you do(your passion whatever), you must be disciplined and persistent". Not just simply want something. Not a very profound insight if you ask me. I also find that you've framed these ideas in very fatalistic terms. This could disencourage people from pursuing things that will make them grow and live.
I still think your arguments are quite subjective, so they are difficult to take as constructive, valuable feedback.
To counter argument though, both of these videos are telling a story and that is central to the video. And each individual can take different things from the story. What may seem to lack value for you - does not mean that it will lack value for someone else. Even if you will take a short look at the rest of the comments (there are also other places where comments were made about this video) a lot of people appreciated and found it valuable. So yet again, I think it's not correct to say "Superficial and subjective video." as a statement without making a point that it lacks arguments and thus means, it just felt to you that way :)
One way or another, I won't argue that it couldn't be made better and deeper. But the same applies to everything! These videos are still a new area for me and it will take time to get a good pace going, and they will evolve and offer more with time. Also, it's difficult to be extremely profound in 8 minutes too :) And that's how long I want to keep my videos at at the moment.
And regarding your last argument on discouraging people - I would even ask if this thought wasn't the reason you disliked the video. And my counter argument to it is - there are millions of videos and thousands of people who are saying to pursue your dreams in a wishy washy way. The internet is packed with those. I don't think we need one more. And this is a different argument made to encourage debate, to encourage thinking, to consider a different side of things. In the end, everyone is meant to make up their own minds and if my video will be enough to discourage someone, well, it was probably not a very dedicated mindset to begin with :) I made plenty of points to pursue your passion in a smart way, by first focusing on providing value. And also too, the intention is to make this into a video series where I will look at both sides of the picture, the positive and the dangerous. If someone is really interested in the subject, they'll have a chance to get to hear and learn about both
I think I've made enough arguments for a single comment, but for the end of it all, I'll also offer a quote: "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”