Emotionally unavailable people: 1. They avoid intimacy - emotional and/or physical 2. They avoid commitment 3. They get defensive and don't take feedback well 4. They often aren't available 5. They lack real empathy 6. You feel alone even when you're together 7. You don't receive support 8. They're conditional in their communication - on their terms. 9. They don't put a lot of effort above and beyond. 10. They don't have a history of long relationships. 11. They have physical affection issues. 12. They are secretive or confusing in their language. 13. They don't have respect for your time and planning. 14. They minimize your normal needs. 15. They have poor conflict approach - silent treatment, games. 16. You feel like you're giving more. 17. They can be overly rigid about how things go, the pace of the relationship; things have to be their way. 18. They engage in numbing behaviors, addictions, shopping disorders, video games. 19. They have never really loved someone. 20. They talk but don't listen. 21. It feels like you have learned to rotate around them and their needs. Do YOU do these? If you do in a patterned way, you're probably wounded.
So I thought I was one but a lot on here doesn’t relate to me, I am loving & caring but it’s just hard to take those first steps I always start to feel uncomfortable
Thank you so much. I’ve been dating this guy for about a month now and can’t figure out for the life of me why I’m sensing something is off. You nailed it. More than half of this listing is what I’m experiencing with him. Ugh 😩. And I’m feeling myself pulling away now to protect me.
Ya it's a miserable thing to be with an extremely avoidant person i guess... personally, i can't take this behaviour at all. It's horrible when everything is about them and you kind of don't matter.
Not all are with an avoiding character.. some have a sabotaging character of a confrontive one.. an avoiding character is the least trouble for the other.. the sabotaging one is hard to detect only u notice your life is going so darn hard and at 44 you suddenly in an epifany wake up to the fact they sabotage everything.. but the confrontive one.. is the most troubling for the other.. they dont give up mate.. they will never be quiet.. and ppl dont like that so they revenge..😢
Be careful... your comment makes it sound like you want it to be all about you instead. You may want to examine that tendency in yourself, or rephrase your wording if this isn't so.
Oh yeah, the confrontational ones are the most difficult. They come from chaotic families where verbal and physical violence is the norm. They hate you for being compassionate and patient. They wrap your kindness round your neck and choke you to death. You work consciously all your life to cultivate patience and kindness, and they turn your main strength into your biggest weakness, wrecking your (and their own) life in the process.
It took me years to understand that people that are emotional unavailable do NOT want emotional intimacy so it's doesn't matter what what you do or say. Just walk away.
@T C But if you want something you must go for ut even if it scares you to death or else you will never get it. I just don't understand them- everyone is scared to be hurt or get they heart broken in the beginning of a relationship. This state of mind to be avoidant is just sad
@@mariazahl9149 I do not disagree with you. I do think a lot of people are in a sense prisoner to these fears you speak of and may need help (if there is desire to do so) to overcome them.
I know it's not easy but having been in relationships with avoidants it's so frustrating and sad. I belive it's something that can be resolved with therapy but like you said they need to want to change themselves.
@T C yes exactly 🤣what in me used to want people like that? I found out it was my own childhood wounds that I recreated in order to "fix" my past. I prayed and still do- for my own healing so I don't cause damage to others - and I went to therapy for 3 years every week. Now I don't date anyone🤣Because everyone I meet have emotional problems - maybe it's better to NOT heal and live happily as an avoidant - I really don't know
Worst thing is, in order that this behavior gets you hooked, it's not consistent unavailabillity. You experience that some days they can be very engaging towards you, showing huge signs of commitment like making things exclusive or introduce you to their family and the next time you see them they are very distant and it feels like they just endure you till you go home again. This is what makes me addicted everytime. Usually these relationships don't last long, it doesn't take long for them to get triggered by something and all of a sudden they act like a complete stranger towards you and distance themselves.
I have a friend who is doing this to me and it's so painful... finally had that a ha moment that I had unconsciously duplicated my relationship with my father. Its hard too because her son and my son are best friends. I get stuck in this web of thinking I can try to heal everyone... she has her own issues and that's her responsibility
I am a mature woman in her sixties and all these attachment types of issues are really waring on me. I am a former nurse and have spent the last eight months attempting to understand a man I was interested in. Once I figured it out and got educated on the matter, I was too exhausted to attempt to guess what his every turn would be. He is highly educated a lawyer with a psychology background to boot. I felt he must know he has a problem. He was dismissive-avoidant but had no inclination to do anything about it. I am no longer interested in the relationship and I really feel sad for such a successful man who only can relate to his dog. I am glad to be disentangled and I wish him well.
Well done Jennifer for staying rooted in reality - that’s not easy, especially in these age groups where there’s an expectation that they will be transparent. Been there , done that too. So very disappointing
People don't change unless they want to-I am sure you know this. He is comfortable with who he is. I am sorry it didn't work out but don't feel sad for him, it doesn't help him or you. Been there too.
This video is spot on. What I don't understand is why emotionally unavailable people/avoidants get into relationships in the first place?? They don't seem to really want to be there after awhile.
I guess that if they are getting everything they want, they will let the “relationship” continue. But the rot sets in and neither person is happy. The one who wants more from the relationship is made to feel selfish and needy. Then you feel so alone in the “relationship” and afraid to ask for the basic commitment that you desire. I fell for this and years later it ended.
@indyd9322 I'm avoidantly attached, but can only kind of guess. Partly, because after this video I'm starting to wonder if I'm not as emotionally unavailable as I always assumed and Partly because I've never bothered with a romantic relationship. I can't speak for everyone who's avoidantly attached obviously. For me while I can see the appeal of having a partner to spend time with and help emotionally support me, I feel like that's just a pretty fairy tale. I can be as emotionally supportive as I want, but people are inherently selfish, no one is going to put my emotional needs ahead of their own or even their wants on a consistent basis. They might occasionally out of guilt, a manipulation tactic, or to make themselves feel good, but that's it. Maybe they try out of loneliness or lack of self awareness, but then at the first little sign get scared or tell themselves that they don't actually NEED the partner, so they might as well leave before they get hurt. That would be my guess, but it always seems like so much work for little to no reward for anything beyond friendship for me. Friends can generally be there for you if you need them because it's not all the time. If we're living together then I now have to meet your needs and mine mostly by myself or just accept that my needs won't get met.
I’m a male with childhood trauma, abandonment wounds, and anxious attachment. I was just with a woman that had trauma history and fearful avoidant attachment. I was hooked like a drug (literally). It was great for the first couple months then she started to pull away. Lit me up like a Christmas tree and scrambled my brain. I ignored every red flag. In the beginning the sex was amazing then suddenly she said she felt uncomfortable kissing or holding hands. Then when I was in bed with her she’d put a body pillow between us. This is very real. This was the most impactful learning moment of my life. I see it all now. Sure broke my heart but never again !
@@shekheraryaa135 to put it in those terms, means you're not fully understanding. Do you truly think it's all about devaluing you? Usually another person is trying to keep themselves feeling safe. Yes, you may have felt devalued...but your feelings merely reflect your perspective and are not the full reality. Your feelings are real...but your assessment of the whole picture isn't. Why? Our own core wounds and filters distort things. The way you even worded it is very self focused and that, there could've been part of the relationship issues you were blind to. Anyone with trauma is living out subconscious strategies to stay "safe". Often, sex is used to get close...but also after a bit, can feel very unsafe. So, especially with FA's, it can be off/on. There can be shame with it too. If trust around sex is broken, at any point...the person can often decide that is a totally unsafe interaction. This can be based on something you said, did, (porn use or cheating can cause big deactivation) and so on. So, really, I strongly suggest you think of it through the lens (at least for a moment, for a better 360 view) that a person that pulls back often feels devalued themselves...and are not using that to devalue you, but to keep safe. An egocentric stance shows signs of emotional immaturity. Making it about what someone is doing to you. There's a flavor of learned helplessness and disempowerment. I hope you can heal, and be able to understand others and what motivates them...this requires deep self knowledge.
Some empathy for your ex would suit you and show maturity. You have trauma and refuse to see that her behaviour is also caused by trauma. It was not about you. It was about her safety. If you would have truly cared about her, you could have stayed as the trustworthy friend she really needed. ‘This is very real’ - yes, this is real with a lot of traumatized people.
I've been with my wife for almost 20 years and she started pulling away a few years ago. I saw it but didn't at the same time. It finally came to a head a couple of months ago and we're "taking a step back". I have C-PTSD and I'm spiraling out of control.
Adding one; - very good at convincing EVERYONE including themselves that all their failed relationships are not their fault and they are the ultimate “victim” - they are always in drama
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
Have just got out of a relationship that 100% checks all these boxes. I had no idea what he was saying to me by the end, with language that was ambiguous and noncommittal. I had no idea people could be so hard to communicate with but now need to make sure I don't make the mistake of engaging with a cold and unemotional man
I have recently gone through this with someone I was dating. It was early days )getting to know each other, fun, light. Literally went to sleep one night and woke up to a different person. He suddenly became super quiet and distant. It’s blew my mind because I really didn’t expect it especially so early on and this was the first man in 3 years I was like “okay, I like this, see what happens”. Anyway, I do have a history of being in relationships with emotionally unavailable men so this definitely has me analyzing myself to see what where this is going wrong repeatedly. I will say I am so glad that the distant dude showed it early on and I am happy I actually didn’t do the chase thing with texts and calls. That’s definitely some progress on my end.
Omg!! I just too checked out from a un-detached man, / narcissistic person, wow, this is happening a lot lately to many of us, It’s so important to gain some friends that understand what happened, I’d love to start a small group that helps us!!! We deserve Safe 💗 love,
I used to feel socially embarrassed for being a single young woman with 3 cats. But now, in midlife, I realize that, while being a second-best life, my dog and cats are my best option. They are emotionally available to me and I am emotionally available to them, something not possible with other humans. I've been working on my issues since I was in my 30s, and have made progress, but the pace is too slow to hope to be able to establish a healthy relationship with a spouse before I'm impaired by old age. Meanwhile I get plenty of love from my safe pets!
I'm 40, I have 4 Chihuahuas and I Choose to be single. Don't ever feel embarrassed hon - there's a whole community of people out here choosing to be single & child free.
Wow, this is really on point. I kept finding myself in relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable over and over until finally I met someone different. I didn’t want to make a commitment, which should have clued me in that I had issues myself, but I finally agreed to marry him. Lo and behold I discovered that the reason I had been in all of those bad relationships before I was because I was incapable of being open, vulnerable, truly intimate, etc. I honestly didn’t know it and had always blamed the other person. You’re absolutely right; there’s a reason we find ourselves drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable. We may not know it, but we feel safe in them as a result of childhood trauma issues or lack of bonding as a child. Anyway, my husband passed away and now I can’t make it up to him, but I’m going to try to work on myself anyway because I don’t want to be this way forever. I wish I could go back and give him what he wanted though because he certainly deserved it. He never gave up on me. Thank you for this video. 💕
@@Eg-jd9zt it’s safer, but it’s certainly not fulfilling. I wish I could go back and do it over. My goal is to allow myself to be vulnerable. Sending you a virtual hug. If you want one, that is. 💕
I just met a guy online and we clicked and hit it off, we have so much in common! We shared all about our life and to me it was wonderful. He was flirting with me and encouraging me. When I asked him if you liked me, he said he didn't know. But he was showing me all the signs that he liked me. I gave him another chance and ask him if you was interested in me, and he said he didn't want to label things. He wasted all of my time and got me all gassed up, thinking that I was going to have a relationship with this person and how great he was, and then he completely isolated himself.
My late husband was definitely emotionally unavailable. I kept thinking maybe when we get married he will feel more comfortable with telling what he thinks and feels. That didn't happen. If I cried he called me a big baby, if I was sick he still expected me to get up and make him supper. If I was having a good time talking to someone, he was ready to go home. He was alcoholic and the last 3 years of his life he quit drinking to keep me, but anesthetized himself watching TV. My childhood was good and I felt loved and I could express my emotions and talk about how I thought and felt. I didn't have any abandonment issues or big worries. We were poor, but I didn't know that!! Kudos to my parents for making my life feel abundant!! My Dad was the strong, silent type, but he always made me feel loved and he always listened to me chatter while he worked on our vehicles. He never once told me to go on! My Mother was the same way, and even tho she was busy, she always had time to teach me how to bake, cook, knit and crochet. So a lovely childhood.
Wow! This hit me so hard. Even though I was raised by a single mother (8 kids) and we were poor, I never knew! We enjoyed what we HAD. It’s hard explaining that to my husband. His parents divorced when he was 8. My dad didn’t Want to be in my life so I couldn’t Miss what I didn’t have! Childhood has such a big bearing on how you turn out and even how your spouse acts!
It's not your fault if you meet an emotionally unavailable person. They don't come with a tee shirt marked 'emotionally unavailable". What happens is you discover a person is emotionally unavailable. Now if you discover this and stay with them that's different. You didn't break up at the sight of a serious red flag. You are now to blame for whatever happens to you. It's simple. Don't stay with somebody who is bad for you just because they're good looking, sex is fun etc... Life is way more than these things.
I agree one a certain level, but if we are honest there were signs before it was confirmed. My last few I knew it first few dates bc of stuff they said about their past and they tried to convince me of different and were available at first like you are mentioning. But if I was honest one had never been in love at 35 or had a serious gf until me, and the other had distance in all of his past relationships and was a workaholic. I even recall saying to myself “I like they are consistent but not on top of me either and only want to see me a few times a week”. The very thing that was an issue thereafter. I chose them bc it was safe and familiar deep down and I fear someone being too close as well
Excellent video. Always remember what you bring to any relationship and accept no less. If someone pulls away, you must let them go. The earlier the better. Stay in reality.
Yep. Married someone like this and dated a bunch of them. Also have CPTSD and major attachment issues. Hence why I'm single and no longer interested in dating at 54-yrs-old. Never had a mature relationship. I did all the work and still got crapped on. So.... taking care of my $h*t now.
I recognize all this. My husband is a farmer and he is all these things. He thinks feelings are crazy and if I am upset, he thinks I shouldn't feel that way and that I am having a mood. He doesn't listen or remember anything I say. I have to get very in his face to get anything done that he has to cooperate with.
Sounds your husband behaves like some kind of a robot... So sad for you! And ultimately for him too. I recently learned that people who are totally identified with their ego, they are like walking dead. No authenticity or true heartfelt connections... I wish you all the best!!! 💟
@@garylivingston9052 You can expect them to be sensitive to to your needs and feelings. You have to have a relationship. If they don't listen to anything you say, can't remember or deny they heard it, never take it into account, then you don't have one. All you are in that case is a servant.
@@mikewilkins2030 HaHa, i am 53 and single and have really had a good life and good friends. Most people are just too insecure to be comfortable with themselves. If you need someone else to be happy and to feel COMPLETE, then i feel pity for you brother.
My recent relationship was the exact opposite of all this, in the beginning. He was so attentive, wanted to dig deep into our past, shared deep emotionally, physically, wanted a commitment right away and had me drawn in. Once we had established what I thought seemed like trust, he switched. For distant, played games, took longer to respond to my texts. Then he began juggling multiple women and I eventually learned he had been doing that all along. I was just the latest love bomb victim, being drawn into his little web of affairs and women who he pitted against eachother for attention. Twisted!
That's so messed up girl. Find you a man that doesn't want to play games like that. I don't know where the good men are hiding though. I'm this >< close to hopping around every church until I find one. They might be hiding behind one of those doors somewhere. Lol
Nevermind being friends with these kinds of people, who close you off and exclude out, of groups. How I am going to fall for you, or want to date you, if they just treat you as a convenience and only communicate, when you initiate a conversation with them.
Hearing all these conditional requirements makes me think it’s much better to be alone. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 53 Years and I’ve felt totally alone the entire time.
I laughed after I listened to this one, you are talking to me. my relationship with my ex was exactly what you described in this video. But so glad that now I was healed by Jesus.
This makes me realise I can be quite emotionally unavailable but yet seem to attract and be drawn to those even more so than me. Then I become anxious and needy inside, whilst remaining calm and unavailable on the surface, just hoping they will open up and get close and all will be great. I'm still trying to figure it out through learning about attachment but I'm seeing alot of this has to do with the way I show up. I wonder what would happen if I let myself be vulnerable in these situations...it scares me but I might try it!!❤
same!!! I wish for someone who's totally available, but when they actually show up I get scared and run away lol. People who constantly run hot and cold seems to be my "safe" zone, because that's exactly how my parents were. But now, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm sick of it
The first few months she seemed really eager and emotionally available. It was obvious she had problems, but so do I so I was ok with that. But the more emotional it got the more she was pushing me aside, the more she was having double standards, the more she was telling me I do things that I didn't do (but she did. Like "Only caring about myself"). It was though. I think I had too much empathy because I felt her pain and didn't want to leave her. At the same time I didn't want to lose this person who I was loving so much. It was hard. The breakup especially. Took days to weeks to answer. Misunderstood me, and responded to questions I didn't ask (because me misunderstood them). Basically leaving me hanging all alone and making it look like it's my fault at the same time. Man. That was an experience I could've really lived without.
You literally described my former 20 year marriage to a TEE! Wow 😯 Thank you, I feel validated and am so grateful for my new man who is polar opposite to this.
This is easy to spot at the beginning and you can’t make people be emotionally available. They need inner healing. Guard your own heart and either wait or move on to someone else who is reciprocal.
The problem is that nowadays I don't see people who can respond emotionally in healthy ways. The question is: where and how to look for that kind of people? I only see cold people around. I feel like living in a world of zombies.
Wow! This resonates. I thought I was being careful with my last relationship, in that I thought I was asking the right questions up front to gauge what type of person he was. I barely scratched the surface I guess. The relationship was emotionally unfulfilling. He had the perfect out because he takes care of his Dad who has Alzheimers really bad. It was easy for him to become more distant as time went on using his Dad as an excuse. Granted, that’s a tough situation to be in but it was a convenient way to shift the attention away from his lack of emotional attachment. Things were so good until I started to express my feelings. I need to learn how to be more brutally honest sooner. I need to see red flags sooner. I need to love myself better. He actually told me early on he was a sociopath. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He knew how to manipulate me. I have some work to do on myself because now I have trust issues. I’m so sad and I feel broken. I fell in love and just wanted to be loved.
You feel alone even when you’re together. Yes! I’m a widow and my husband and I had wonderful intimate conversations. My present guy just won’t do that. But he has committed to me, I believe, and he is flexible if I need to change our plans. He’s generous with me and personable with others. He is a widower and had been married 3 times, but the 3rd marriage lasted 40 years. So a mixed deal. You’ve made many excellent points about me, BTW.
It’s so hard navigating these situations. I definitely have some emotional unavailability and my ex did as well. It’s so interesting because we’re both blind in a way, not seeing how we both aren’t showing up for ourselves or each other. And we just blame the other person. And the more we see the other person holding back, the more we hold back as if that’s going to inspire the other to want to get closer. I have a lot of work ahead of me. But it does help having this informative video, and it makes me less angry at my ex. I’ve been carrying so much anger because my mind concluded that he was doing that stuff on purpose. And now I know he was not, because I sure didn’t see how and where I was wrong either. Thank you for this video. ❤
She checked off all the boxes. Probably the best video out there in regards to emotional unavailability. This person I seek is the one that is subconsciously giving me the anxiety, and I see myself as the anxious attachment. I hope there’s a chance in the future, because she has never been this way until I coincidentally met her.
Literally just went through this with a woman I was dating with the same exact behavior and traits that were just explained in this video...wow this whole video was her in a nutshell, every single detail😮👌🏿
I'm married to a man who's emotionally unavailable. It breaks my heart in pieces when I want him to be a little emotional but he just doesn't. I've mentioned this several times but he doesn't bother about it. I don't know what to do. I'm just helpless and hopeless wife
Yeah definitely feel the anxious / avoidant thing in myself. I can be intimate and close with people, but when they try to get close to me I put up walls because I internalized that I'm weird or have parts of me that aren't likeable. So I feel like if I share things, I'll be judged and ridiculed. And then by picking friends who are even more distant than I am, they tend to reinforce those things by not validating or caring when I do decide to share something. I think I've made a lot of progress though through my various friendships. I think the difference is that I can verbalize this stuff / what I struggle with, but generally relationships feel pretty scary so I do more avoiding than anything.
I love watching a video and finding every example in past partners but then realizing that yes, through two marriages I have to own my part. I have been very confused. I have been emotionally unavailable through people pleasing. It is a way for me to try to manipulate a situation almost like a contract. Here, I have done so much, I have sacrificed so much "how could you not meet me some of the way?" The only common denominator in my relationships is me and my desire to present myself as someone who can fix every problem, be always the first to apologize and to accept my punishment of silent treatment or no sex or just periods of being in trouble without really knowing. Thank you! Amazing that I could never see the log in my own eye.
omg you explained it perfectly and I do soooo much of it too. Narcissist dad, alcoholic mom... silent treatment is how my family communicates, unfortunately
I am emotionally unavailable to all. I learned a painful lesson and chose to never have it repeat again. Thus, I put on a blank expression, never talk unless absolutely necessary, and avoid any sort of social situations. There is absolutely no need for me to be emotionally available for anybody. I require no human companionship at all. I live alone, work completely alone, and live in a very rural area. Being social served no purpose in my life. There are no requirements in life to be social. I do not understand why so many force it when they do not know how to do it successfully and they feel miserable trying to be social. I function far above the perimeters established by social people in the aspects of self-reliance, independence, freedom, resourcefulness, and creativity. If I am excelling in these aspects, there seems to be no logical reason to subject myself to being social. I require no emotional bond with anybody, nor does anybody else. One will not die if they are not social. Being social is a luxury, not a necessity. However, for me, it provides no luxuries at all. Thus, I refuse to subject myself to the emotional abuse that almost always accompanies being social.
I was trauma bonded to my ex husband from the age of 15 until 2018. I was with him 36 years total. He abused me mentally ,physically, emotionally and sexuly . It's very scary to open up again with a man. I amdisabled now from all the trauma! I had to move back home after being abused through the court system to live with abusive parents. God is my only hope for safe housing and complete restoration for my life!!! Any suggestions for trusting again???
I’m sorry to hear that. Trusting starts with trusting yourself. I know for me it helped to work on myself, read and watch a ton of videos on self love and care and do inner child work. Basically be to yourself what your husband wasn’t and get to know who you truly are without him.
I’m a fearful avoidant who’s been with all attachments and being with an avoidant is easier for me with the shame I feel, because I don’t feel like a worthy person, the way they ignore me, and everything is on their terms makes me feel better, bc after all I don’t count. Being with an anxious attachment turns me into an avoidant and I don’t like hurting somebody or not being able to communicate, Which I do anytime I’m with aa, and when it’s a choice between me being upset or someone else being upset I feel more stable being the upset one. I hate shutting off. I hate not being able to feel or get close to people. And I HATE hurting others because I can’t communicate And on that note anytime I’ve dated An fa attachment, I know for a fact they don’t even like me and just like how unavailable I am to them or how obsessed I get with them. I can literally tell when they have the ick at me, and it’s annoying how anytime I shut off that’s when they want to be affectionate with me As an fa I would never date one again. As an fa I will not be dating anyone, until I heal the wounds that effect others. lucky for whoever I’ve been with that. I catch it early and I just leave- the second I like you im out of there respectfully and I for sure don’t entertain somebody I’m not interested in like I would have in the past. Cuz guess what?? If ur an fa you’ll probably develop feelings anyway later down the line and then you just feel like a Dick because you thought if you didn’t like them fully and they liked you you would grow to like them and none of ur symptoms would show up. But ur wrong cuz now that u like them it’s been 3 months and congratulations ur avoidant and fucked up somebody’s view of love I feel sick rn being so emotionally unavailable.
I love the vulnerability here. It so awesome to read such expressive comments. It helps me to further understand my fa partner, which is why I come to these videos. Thanks for your comment. You are very self aware so to get past this starts with you. Doing the work and it seems to be you have already started to do the work. Don’t be so hard on yourself healing comes in time and even then we are never completely healed. ❤
I was at the other end of this treatment, it really fucked my view of love. Because, I was normally avoidant but I was in therapy for 2 years and coming of more secure. She lovebombed me not for manipulation but because of her own enthusiasm. Then pulled away suddenly. It triggered my newly found anxious side. I've tried to talk it through 3 times. In each time, she got colder. So, it ended.
My last relationship checks every one of these boxes. I saw all these issues early but didn’t know what they were…. Didn’t realize they were all connected somehow…. saw them all as isolated quirks and flaws. Needless to say they all got worse over time. They were major red flags!!! I grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents. I will work on me before I come across any more of these characters.
Its weird, I had someone chasing after me for a while now, but all of a sudden when I make myself available he pulled away. I'm kind of wondering what the heck. Like I know I've gained 10 pounds and I'm getting older, but I'm still take care of myself and attractive for my age. So I'm wondering what the heck, what's going on. He won't open up so I'm taking this as a sign to move on. I can't sit here staring at my phone waiting for an invitation. 😕
Run far far away. Someone showed interest and I noticed as soon as I got closer he pulled away, hot n cold. When I think let's leave it ,then he writes but as soon as I reply him he's gone. They are Mad.
Agree with other commenter. It has nothing to do with you so please don’t internalize it’s about your weight or age. They are who they are and although they’ll make it like it’s you trust me it’s them and they don’t see it at all
My father does most of all these things he also avoids accountability, loves gaslighting, plays mind games, says one and does another, he makes false or broken promises, loves stringing me along , also feel less than or not good enough around him , I developed anxiety, depression, bps , diabetes, insomnia, ptsd , have trouble trusting anymore. He doesn't seem to think what he does is hurtful plus everything is one sided with him !
I find friends can be quite draining at times and a relationships even more,so I avoid both..and now find good consistent mental health everyday ..priceless.
Well my family are emotionally unavailable and then I married someone just like that. I don’t have a problem with intimacy. I wait to tell people something to see if their safe , narcissists are terrified of intimacy. My mother is sometimes emotionally unavailable. My aunt is definitely emotionally unavailable.
Important to note us being available to someone who isn’t or open to someone who isn’t isn’t a test of how ok we are with intimacy. It’s safe to do that with someone who’s not close to you. It’s when someone wants that and are available that you’ll know if that’s an issue
I envision a living fulfilling relationship…my bf comes in so big and loving and full of hopes and slowly over this year and a half I don’t have what I thought was just the beginning …😢I love him but my heart is broken and now I try to stay to work through and keep my hope alive..feel like I torture myself hoping that things go back to what they used to be bc it felt so good!
So glad I found this video. More than 3/4 of what she is saying here applies to my very recent ex and our dynamic. It’s validating to hear her say these things and present them the way she is. My therapist has said many similar things to me and I finally had the strength to say enough to being treated in a way that just made me feel neglected and alone all the time. It was difficult because we both like each other and she is a very nice woman aside from these relationship issues.
Unavailable people are people, too. I wonder if this is the same as what Dr. Sage calls Avoidant. In any case, I think I check these boxes, too. I mean no harm.
Same, do you ever find that you can only have long-term relationships with other emotionally unavailable people? Or your unavailability scares off available people?
@@jo1681 As for me: I gave up on trying to have intimate relationships because I grew tired of disappointing people. I do have platonic friends who are probably also avoiders.
@@rustyshimstock8653 anxious people are emotionally unavailable too. I’m one and if I’m real with myself I date avoidants bc it’s safe to have someone at a distance. Funny enough if you attract someone who wants to be close to you you will prob freak out and become avoidant too
I actually found myself with narcissists because to me love bombing meant they were highly interested and invested in me. So in an attempt to deviate from my patterns I found myself with an avoidant.
By choosing emotionally unavailable people, we get to hide our EU issues behind theirs. I'm trying to sort mine out so l can be more available and attract the same. It's a quagmire!
I’m guilty of being conditional in my communication. I wasn’t even aware of it until you put it that way. Could be communication boundaries also. I just need to do better going forward.
What I find really interesting, psychologically, is that people like my lovely grandparents, who are long gone now, met one another just before WW2 in London. They came from a poor background and my adorable grandmother as a young child was sent to a workhouse... she was only 8. Both of my grandparents were of a generation and social background where semi poverty was 'the norm'. They had harsh parents with their own set of issues, and due to the stresses of keeping a desarpately poor roof over their head and food on the table, had very little emotion spare for love or tenderness. My grandparents did not suffer from any of that and were extremely loving and kind people who remained in their marriage and had 4 children, my mother being one of them. I am sure that they, particularly my grandmother, must have had issues around abandonment and therefore an anxious attachment style. But do you know, I do not remember my grandparents ever displaying any 'odd' behaviour to anyone. Definitely no anxiety or depression either. I have to add that after years of a career in TV, I retrained in my late 40's as a psychodynamic therapist and also did a psychology degree. So, I do have a good understanding of defences/negative patterns and problems around intimacy/commitment. My grandparents would have had good reason to be like this, but they had a happy marriage that lasted until my grandfather died. I think that at times, and particularly nowadays, we tend to obsess over behaviour. Ours and others. Labels are attached to people by others who are not even qualified to analyse and so much damage is done due to this. There is a lot to be said for taking a leaf from my grandparents book (and others like them), where you just get on with life, with no obsessive navel gazing. We all overthink way too much. In saying that, and also as an insightful 63 year old woman, I have come across men over the past few years, either as platonic friends, or in a 'date' scenario. And I would say that every one of them had issues around emotional intimacy (not sex of course... totally different thing) and commitment. It became so tiresome when they would get into defensive mode about 'why'. They would say it's about all kinds of things, other than what it is really about. Their male pride will not let them go there. Sad I think. Because they were all lonely. Playing the ritual of actively seeking a partner and then when they meet someone they find they like a lot, they start to unconsciously sabotage it. Exhausting game playing and hurtful for the women they arrange to meet/date. It's only therapy that helps this kind of thing when people get to a certain age. And only then, if they will agree to commit to opening up to the possibility of change.
TY for laying out all of these behaviors in a simple and direct way! This really helps to see where partners as well as myself are on the spectrum. Much appreciation. ❤
Wow. Thanks for sharing. Dating or living with someone who is emotionally unavailable seems to be a complete "hell". I met someone whom I have been developing strong feelings for however she claimed to be an unemotionally unavailable person. Well, not for me...sorry. I already started ghosting her and am moving on.
Wow! Excellent therapy. So much of what you talk about on your videos is absolutely bang-on. I am an older female and I have SO many of the CPTSD traits that you describe. Still learning and growing. Thank you, Dr. Sage. I just discovered your channel today and have been listening to numerous of your videos.
My husband is an avoidant and many times emotionally unavailable. I have felt lonely in this marriage for decades. He's always been afraid to express his real feelings and his signs are all mixed up. Passive, aggressive, and condescending. I am so exhausted. Then he has the other personality of being being sweet and compassionate. It feels crazy
This sounds like all the narcissists I encountered in South Korea but I understand this topic applies other groups as well. There’s good reason for all those videos of Asians and particularly those of South Korean descent gushing about finding emotionally available people in the West.
The guy I'm in a situation ship with has all of the traits you just described. I thought I could help him out of it with love and in actual fact I'm just hurting myself!
It’s odd that the emotional unavailable person whom I dated was very consistent with his communication. However he never asked deep questions and didn’t care how my day went. He was so dry and never romantic .
Oh, I just listen to your talk and found it incredibly fascinating. You described my boyfriend to a T he has all the symptoms. You put into words all the things that I’ve seen and noticed, but had a hard time to describe. We just recently broke up, but it’s definitely for the best. Thanks for your talk it was totally enlightening.
iv been and am abused with women i stay with. i paid every bill and more for 30 years i hate to say i don’t love them and feel guilty for never having loved them. but i have seen to all i am called the most hateful names they are never happy for me, i have finally decided to leave but i fear how would get on money ways with me gone. im called everything under thesun but i must leave for my own sanity and respect. a woman well off and tuff had heard about the dogs abuse she said everyone knew. she said come live with her no more walking on eggshells cos she said love for her and peace for me. she is not a runner and could keep only with me. thanks be to God.
Thank you so much for this video! This was really helpful information that I have not heard about much and really needed to hear! I will remember these tools and use them in my life now.
Are they completely unaware? I’m emotionally unavailable after a relationship with an EU partner who became emotionally abusive. I tried dating and told the person upfront that things may not progress into commitment. It can’t all be subconscious? they seem comfortable stringing their partner along by being vague or not ending things. I feel you end up matching their energy cos of confusion. Regardless you feel gaslit by EU people
I agree some of it they have to know what they are doing but many also have this belief a unicorn will appear someday and fix all their issues and they will just be that loving partner which is totally a delusion
As anxious attachment I'm dealing with avoidant attachment partner it's been hell he triggered my wounds, runner doesn't know how to express & deal with intimacy. he put me through hell i stopped and gave up on him 🥺💀 it's not worth it.
Hi Dr. Sage, Thx for another great episode, I have a question and not expecting a full professional diagnosis either, how can a person (in particular a male in a male dominant society) undo emotional unavailability when they have been raised in an environment, served in the military in combat where emotions were seen to be a weakness and or vulnerability?
Great question. I know I'm not Kim. No pretense here. But I wonder if reading the comments of the people on the dozens of channels on YT would help. I can only tell you that I never felt expressing emotions was a weakness. In fact, I think it indicates great strength and confidence. It also makes a person so much more complex and interesting. But that may be easy for a woman to say. Another suggestion: write about: times you have been upset, witnessed an injustice, felt fear, hope, desires, experienced past successes and failures. Be sure to include how you felt. Look up words that are feeling laden and use them. Best to you on opening up to yourself.
It's so cool that you want to work on this, since military training also includes actual brainwashing to make people tough and obedient, you must have an extremely strong mind to even want to overcome it.
Chased security emotional love all my life I had a rough upbringing after My moms death I took care of her alone it was hard to see her suffer pain yrs I loved her so didn't think I could make it alone but 8 yrs later Im thriving the best I can but I used to really like people now I isolate a lot myself I have met unavailable men all my life great vid thanks first time here 😊
Dr Kim, you've just described my ex... It was painful but I could feel his heart behind all the defences, yet he decided to end it. Over a year later, he has contacted me with suddenly "vulnerable" messages, but not really apologising, and called me. I didn't respond. It's tough. I want to see if he is sincere or because I am sliding away, can he allow himself to feel again, but will eventually fall back into his avoidance if I responded.
@@evaollie9208 He has already "returned", calling and even sent a present, but not to ask to come back together. Last time, he was traveling through my country, so maybe he hoped to see me. But even if his messages were more open-hearted and not pretending anymore like we were friends, I did not respond. he texted "All the love you gave me filled my heart, despite I was not always that nice. or it didn't work out. I still carry that with me". I was excited but also resentful for the "false hope" and his disappearing. It was hard to ignore him. It's been almost 40 days now. I believe I will not hear from him. I also need a full apology and I don't think he can take accountability and see how he hurt me.
@@MissSarahGM why do you need an apology? That’s holding on. Just let it all go. If you got back together, he will go back to his old ways. It’s their nature. Stop with the apologies, conversations, fantasies. Just move on. They have nothing to offer
@@evaollie9208 Because I have not lost all hope for reconciliation..I agree that's fantasy - maybe all this time apart, and now feeling the loss of me, could make him grow and able to face his fears. I have not talked to him since he called for my birthday in November.. sticking to no contact. What he texted recently gave me hope though.. What would do a healing avoidant? Ask to try again directly and apologise?
@@MissSarahGM THEY DO NOT CHANGE…all you have to do is read million of comments on these videos. Fact. Their nature is to be uncomfortable with intimacy. Wrap you head around that. Move on. It’s never gonna happen. You are not special nor is any other woman. It has nothing to do with that
Emotionally unavailable people:
1. They avoid intimacy - emotional and/or physical
2. They avoid commitment
3. They get defensive and don't take feedback well
4. They often aren't available
5. They lack real empathy
6. You feel alone even when you're together
7. You don't receive support
8. They're conditional in their communication - on their terms.
9. They don't put a lot of effort above and beyond.
10. They don't have a history of long relationships.
11. They have physical affection issues.
12. They are secretive or confusing in their language.
13. They don't have respect for your time and planning.
14. They minimize your normal needs.
15. They have poor conflict approach - silent treatment, games.
16. You feel like you're giving more.
17. They can be overly rigid about how things go, the pace of the relationship; things have to be their way.
18. They engage in numbing behaviors, addictions, shopping disorders, video games.
19. They have never really loved someone.
20. They talk but don't listen.
21. It feels like you have learned to rotate around them and their needs.
Do YOU do these? If you do in a patterned way, you're probably wounded.
18. Could include mobile phone addiction. Especially when you have alone time and they spend there attention to their phone
So I thought I was one but a lot on here doesn’t relate to me, I am loving & caring but it’s just hard to take those first steps I always start to feel uncomfortable
Thank you so much. I’ve been dating this guy for about a month now and can’t figure out for the life of me why I’m sensing something is off. You nailed it. More than half of this listing is what I’m experiencing with him. Ugh 😩. And I’m feeling myself pulling away now to protect me.
Ya it's a miserable thing to be with an extremely avoidant person i guess... personally, i can't take this behaviour at all. It's horrible when everything is about them and you kind of don't matter.
Not all are with an avoiding character.. some have a sabotaging character of a confrontive one.. an avoiding character is the least trouble for the other.. the sabotaging one is hard to detect only u notice your life is going so darn hard and at 44 you suddenly in an epifany wake up to the fact they sabotage everything.. but the confrontive one.. is the most troubling for the other.. they dont give up mate.. they will never be quiet.. and ppl dont like that so they revenge..😢
@@ingeborgswieten3710 Beware of Narcissists,they will make your life hell.Peace🕊
Be careful... your comment makes it sound like you want it to be all about you instead. You may want to examine that tendency in yourself, or rephrase your wording if this isn't so.
@@cherylmockotr quite the opposite: i'm a giver, so i set in clear boundaries in order to not be abused by egomaniacs. Healthy
Oh yeah, the confrontational ones are the most difficult. They come from chaotic families where verbal and physical violence is the norm. They hate you for being compassionate and patient. They wrap your kindness round your neck and choke you to death. You work consciously all your life to cultivate patience and kindness, and they turn your main strength into your biggest weakness, wrecking your (and their own) life in the process.
It took me years to understand that people that are emotional unavailable do NOT want emotional intimacy so it's doesn't matter what what you do or say.
Just walk away.
I dunno, I think they want it but when it seems to be a real option it scares them too much to have it.
@T C But if you want something you must go for ut even if it scares you to death or else you will never get it. I just don't understand them- everyone is scared to be hurt or get they heart broken in the beginning of a relationship.
This state of mind to be avoidant is just sad
@@mariazahl9149 I do not disagree with you. I do think a lot of people are in a sense prisoner to these fears you speak of and may need help (if there is desire to do so) to overcome them.
I know it's not easy but having been in relationships with avoidants it's so frustrating and sad. I belive it's something that can be resolved with therapy but like you said they need to want to change themselves.
@T C yes exactly 🤣what in me used to want people like that? I found out it was my own childhood wounds that I recreated in order to "fix" my past. I prayed and still do- for my own healing so I don't cause damage to others - and I went to therapy for 3 years every week. Now I don't date anyone🤣Because everyone I meet have emotional problems - maybe it's better to NOT heal and live happily as an avoidant - I really don't know
Worst thing is, in order that this behavior gets you hooked, it's not consistent unavailabillity. You experience that some days they can be very engaging towards you, showing huge signs of commitment like making things exclusive or introduce you to their family and the next time you see them they are very distant and it feels like they just endure you till you go home again. This is what makes me addicted everytime. Usually these relationships don't last long, it doesn't take long for them to get triggered by something and all of a sudden they act like a complete stranger towards you and distance themselves.
I have a friend who is doing this to me and it's so painful... finally had that a ha moment that I had unconsciously duplicated my relationship with my father. Its hard too because her son and my son are best friends. I get stuck in this web of thinking I can try to heal everyone... she has her own issues and that's her responsibility
"all of a sudden they act like a complete stranger towards you and distance themselves" - literally me, i even do this with my parents.
Preach!
@@jayc342009 do you know why you behave this way?
I currently know someone like this and it's emotionally exhausting
I am a mature woman in her sixties and all these attachment types of issues are really waring on me. I am a former nurse and have spent the last eight months attempting to understand a man I was interested in. Once I figured it out and got educated on the matter, I was too exhausted to attempt to guess what his every turn would be. He is highly educated a lawyer with a psychology background to boot. I felt he must know he has a problem. He was dismissive-avoidant but had no inclination to do anything about it. I am no longer interested in the relationship and I really feel sad for such a successful man who only can relate to his dog. I am glad to be disentangled and I wish him well.
Well done Jennifer for staying rooted in reality - that’s not easy, especially in these age groups where there’s an expectation that they will be transparent. Been there , done that too. So very disappointing
People don't change unless they want to-I am sure you know this. He is comfortable with who he is. I am sorry it didn't work out but don't feel sad for him, it doesn't help him or you. Been there too.
I’m happy for you!! I spent 10 years figuring this out!
But now I get it!!
I'm the same age and just gave up decades ago. After my late 30s it was just emotionally unavailable guys, so I said whatever...
@@houndmother2398 did you give up on relationships all together or just avoidant people?
This video is spot on.
What I don't understand is why emotionally unavailable people/avoidants get into relationships in the first place?? They don't seem to really want to be there after awhile.
I would love to know that too. Great question.
I guess that if they are getting everything they want, they will let the “relationship” continue. But the rot sets in and neither person is happy. The one who wants more from the relationship is made to feel selfish and needy. Then you feel so alone in the “relationship” and afraid to ask for the basic commitment that you desire. I fell for this and years later it ended.
@indyd9322 I'm avoidantly attached, but can only kind of guess. Partly, because after this video I'm starting to wonder if I'm not as emotionally unavailable as I always assumed and Partly because I've never bothered with a romantic relationship.
I can't speak for everyone who's avoidantly attached obviously. For me while I can see the appeal of having a partner to spend time with and help emotionally support me, I feel like that's just a pretty fairy tale. I can be as emotionally supportive as I want, but people are inherently selfish, no one is going to put my emotional needs ahead of their own or even their wants on a consistent basis. They might occasionally out of guilt, a manipulation tactic, or to make themselves feel good, but that's it. Maybe they try out of loneliness or lack of self awareness, but then at the first little sign get scared or tell themselves that they don't actually NEED the partner, so they might as well leave before they get hurt.
That would be my guess, but it always seems like so much work for little to no reward for anything beyond friendship for me. Friends can generally be there for you if you need them because it's not all the time. If we're living together then I now have to meet your needs and mine mostly by myself or just accept that my needs won't get met.
I’m a male with childhood trauma, abandonment wounds, and anxious attachment. I was just with a woman that had trauma history and fearful avoidant attachment. I was hooked like a drug (literally). It was great for the first couple months then she started to pull away. Lit me up like a Christmas tree and scrambled my brain. I ignored every red flag. In the beginning the sex was amazing then suddenly she said she felt uncomfortable kissing or holding hands. Then when I was in bed with her she’d put a body pillow between us. This is very real. This was the most impactful learning moment of my life. I see it all now. Sure broke my heart but never again !
This has exactly my story . I wonder why they all of a sudden start devaluing you
So you have childhood trauma and abandonment issues and your relationship is all her fault.
@@shekheraryaa135 to put it in those terms, means you're not fully understanding.
Do you truly think it's all about devaluing you? Usually another person is trying to keep themselves feeling safe. Yes, you may have felt devalued...but your feelings merely reflect your perspective and are not the full reality. Your feelings are real...but your assessment of the whole picture isn't. Why? Our own core wounds and filters distort things.
The way you even worded it is very self focused and that, there could've been part of the relationship issues you were blind to.
Anyone with trauma is living out subconscious strategies to stay "safe".
Often, sex is used to get close...but also after a bit, can feel very unsafe. So, especially with FA's, it can be off/on. There can be shame with it too. If trust around sex is broken, at any point...the person can often decide that is a totally unsafe interaction. This can be based on something you said, did, (porn use or cheating can cause big deactivation) and so on.
So, really, I strongly suggest you think of it through the lens (at least for a moment, for a better 360 view) that a person that pulls back often feels devalued themselves...and are not using that to devalue you, but to keep safe.
An egocentric stance shows signs of emotional immaturity. Making it about what someone is doing to you. There's a flavor of learned helplessness and disempowerment.
I hope you can heal, and be able to understand others and what motivates them...this requires deep self knowledge.
Some empathy for your ex would suit you and show maturity. You have trauma and refuse to see that her behaviour is also caused by trauma. It was not about you. It was about her safety. If you would have truly cared about her, you could have stayed as the trustworthy friend she really needed. ‘This is very real’ - yes, this is real with a lot of traumatized people.
I've been with my wife for almost 20 years and she started pulling away a few years ago. I saw it but didn't at the same time. It finally came to a head a couple of months ago and we're "taking a step back". I have C-PTSD and I'm spiraling out of control.
Adding one;
- very good at convincing EVERYONE including themselves that all their failed relationships are not their fault and they are the ultimate “victim”
- they are always in drama
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
@jay pritchett wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?
@jay pritchett Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
I’ve been married to someone who’s emotionally unavailable it was the worse relationship I ever experienced. Torture
Yep, same. In the process of leaving now
Best thing an Anxious can ever do is learn what an Avoidant looks like and walk away!
Any future relationship I engage in that shows avoidant tendencies, I will bail immediately.
Have just got out of a relationship that 100% checks all these boxes. I had no idea what he was saying to me by the end, with language that was ambiguous and noncommittal. I had no idea people could be so hard to communicate with but now need to make sure I don't make the mistake of engaging with a cold and unemotional man
It’s so unsettling
I have recently gone through this with someone I was dating. It was early days )getting to know each other, fun, light. Literally went to sleep one night and woke up to a different person. He suddenly became super quiet and distant. It’s blew my mind because I really didn’t expect it especially so early on and this was the first man in 3 years I was like “okay, I like this, see what happens”. Anyway, I do have a history of being in relationships with emotionally unavailable men so this definitely has me analyzing myself to see what where this is going wrong repeatedly. I will say I am so glad that the distant dude showed it early on and I am happy I actually didn’t do the chase thing with texts and calls. That’s definitely some progress on my end.
Omg!! I just too checked out from a un-detached man, / narcissistic person, wow, this is happening a lot lately to many of us,
It’s so important to gain some friends that understand what happened, I’d love to start a small group that helps us!!!
We deserve Safe 💗 love,
I used to feel socially embarrassed for being a single young woman with 3 cats. But now, in midlife, I realize that, while being a second-best life, my dog and cats are my best option. They are emotionally available to me and I am emotionally available to them, something not possible with other humans. I've been working on my issues since I was in my 30s, and have made progress, but the pace is too slow to hope to be able to establish a healthy relationship with a spouse before I'm impaired by old age. Meanwhile I get plenty of love from my safe pets!
Girl you’re not saddled with kids and don’t have multiple divorces, sounds like a win to me! 😂
❤
Leftover woman
@@kristopherfoster8780 rude man
I'm 40, I have 4 Chihuahuas and I Choose to be single.
Don't ever feel embarrassed hon - there's a whole community of people out here choosing to be single & child free.
Wow, this is really on point. I kept finding myself in relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable over and over until finally I met someone different. I didn’t want to make a commitment, which should have clued me in that I had issues myself, but I finally agreed to marry him. Lo and behold I discovered that the reason I had been in all of those bad relationships before I was because I was incapable of being open, vulnerable, truly intimate, etc. I honestly didn’t know it and had always blamed the other person. You’re absolutely right; there’s a reason we find ourselves drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable. We may not know it, but we feel safe in them as a result of childhood trauma issues or lack of bonding as a child. Anyway, my husband passed away and now I can’t make it up to him, but I’m going to try to work on myself anyway because I don’t want to be this way forever. I wish I could go back and give him what he wanted though because he certainly deserved it. He never gave up on me. Thank you for this video. 💕
Absolutely! No need to think twice why most of my relationships were long distance
Same thing I’m realizing about myself too. I know it’s safe to have someone who’s far away (either logistically or emotionally)
@@Eg-jd9zt it’s safer, but it’s certainly not fulfilling. I wish I could go back and do it over. My goal is to allow myself to be vulnerable. Sending you a virtual hug. If you want one, that is. 💕
@@whitebirchtarot Awh sending you one too 💕. Yes I agree, we have to face the fear and date someone we normally wouldn’t - someone who’s all in
Yes. It's also interesting when physical affection is only on their terms and they claim to not see it that way.
I just met a guy online and we clicked and hit it off, we have so much in common! We shared all about our life and to me it was wonderful. He was flirting with me and encouraging me. When I asked him if you liked me, he said he didn't know. But he was showing me all the signs that he liked me. I gave him another chance and ask him if you was interested in me, and he said he didn't want to label things. He wasted all of my time and got me all gassed up, thinking that I was going to have a relationship with this person and how great he was, and then he completely isolated himself.
My late husband was definitely emotionally unavailable. I kept thinking maybe when we get married he will feel more comfortable with telling what he thinks and feels. That didn't happen. If I cried he called me a big baby, if I was sick he still expected me to get up and make him supper. If I was having a good time talking to someone, he was ready to go home. He was alcoholic and the last 3 years of his life he quit drinking to keep me, but anesthetized himself watching TV.
My childhood was good and I felt loved and I could express my emotions and talk about how I thought and felt. I didn't have any abandonment issues or big worries. We were poor, but I didn't know that!! Kudos to my parents for making my life feel abundant!! My Dad was the strong, silent type, but he always made me feel loved and he always listened to me chatter while he worked on our vehicles. He never once told me to go on! My Mother was the same way, and even tho she was busy, she always had time to teach me how to bake, cook, knit and crochet. So a lovely childhood.
Wow! This hit me so hard. Even though I was raised by a single mother (8 kids) and we were poor, I never knew! We enjoyed what we HAD. It’s hard explaining that to my husband. His parents divorced when he was 8. My dad didn’t
Want to be in my life so I couldn’t
Miss what I didn’t have! Childhood has such a big bearing on how you turn out and even how your spouse acts!
It's not your fault if you meet an emotionally unavailable person. They don't come with a tee shirt marked 'emotionally unavailable". What happens is you discover a person is emotionally unavailable. Now if you discover this and stay with them that's different. You didn't break up at the sight of a serious red flag. You are now to blame for whatever happens to you.
It's simple. Don't stay with somebody who is bad for you just because they're good looking, sex is fun etc...
Life is way more than these things.
I agree one a certain level, but if we are honest there were signs before it was confirmed. My last few I knew it first few dates bc of stuff they said about their past and they tried to convince me of different and were available at first like you are mentioning. But if I was honest one had never been in love at 35 or had a serious gf until me, and the other had distance in all of his past relationships and was a workaholic. I even recall saying to myself “I like they are consistent but not on top of me either and only want to see me a few times a week”. The very thing that was an issue thereafter. I chose them bc it was safe and familiar deep down and I fear someone being too close as well
Excellent video. Always remember what you bring to any relationship and accept no less. If someone pulls away, you must let them go. The earlier the better. Stay in reality.
thank you
Yep. Married someone like this and dated a bunch of them. Also have CPTSD and major attachment issues. Hence why I'm single and no longer interested in dating at 54-yrs-old. Never had a mature relationship. I did all the work and still got crapped on. So.... taking care of my $h*t now.
I recognize all this. My husband is a farmer and he is all these things. He thinks feelings are crazy and if I am upset, he thinks I shouldn't feel that way and that I am having a mood. He doesn't listen or remember anything I say. I have to get very in his face to get anything done that he has to cooperate with.
Sounds your husband behaves like some kind of a robot... So sad for you! And ultimately for him too. I recently learned that people who are totally identified with their ego, they are like walking dead. No authenticity or true heartfelt connections... I wish you all the best!!! 💟
you can't expect someone else to take care of your emotional needs. Figure it out yourself and just be a great wife/friend.
@@garylivingston9052 You can expect them to be sensitive to to your needs and feelings. You have to have a relationship. If they don't listen to anything you say, can't remember or deny they heard it, never take it into account, then you don't have one. All you are in that case is a servant.
@@garylivingston9052 man go be alone then! You sound hurt and scared! I hope you’re young, cause if you are over 40 i feel pity for you! Sad!
@@mikewilkins2030 HaHa, i am 53 and single and have really had a good life and good friends. Most people are just too insecure to be comfortable with themselves. If you need someone else to be happy and to feel COMPLETE, then i feel pity for you brother.
My recent relationship was the exact opposite of all this, in the beginning.
He was so attentive, wanted to dig deep into our past, shared deep emotionally, physically, wanted a commitment right away and had me drawn in. Once we had established what I thought seemed like trust, he switched. For distant, played games, took longer to respond to my texts.
Then he began juggling multiple women and I eventually learned he had been doing that all along. I was just the latest love bomb victim, being drawn into his little web of affairs and women who he pitted against eachother for attention. Twisted!
Very
That's so messed up girl. Find you a man that doesn't want to play games like that. I don't know where the good men are hiding though. I'm this >< close to hopping around every church until I find one. They might be hiding behind one of those doors somewhere. Lol
That sounds like a narcissist. Are ADs people jugglers, too? So confusing.
@@riverbilly64 what is an AD?
That's covert narcissist.
Nevermind being friends with these kinds of people, who close you off and exclude out, of groups.
How I am going to fall for you, or want to date you, if they just treat you as a convenience and only communicate, when you initiate a conversation with them.
I kept wondering why until last year I realized I was just as emotionally unavailable.
Hearing all these conditional requirements makes me think it’s much better to be alone. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 53 Years and I’ve felt totally alone the entire time.
I get it. Married 40 years but alone. 😢
24 years and alone. I guess we’re not alone in our loneliness…
Wow. I pray that the Holyspirit provides you with continue comfort.
I laughed after I listened to this one, you are talking to me. my relationship with my ex was exactly what you described in this video. But so glad that now I was healed by Jesus.
This makes me realise I can be quite emotionally unavailable but yet seem to attract and be drawn to those even more so than me. Then I become anxious and needy inside, whilst remaining calm and unavailable on the surface, just hoping they will open up and get close and all will be great. I'm still trying to figure it out through learning about attachment but I'm seeing alot of this has to do with the way I show up. I wonder what would happen if I let myself be vulnerable in these situations...it scares me but I might try it!!❤
I 100% relate to everything you said.
same!!! I wish for someone who's totally available, but when they actually show up I get scared and run away lol. People who constantly run hot and cold seems to be my "safe" zone, because that's exactly how my parents were. But now, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm sick of it
It sounds like you’re fearful avoidant/anxious-avoidant
The first few months she seemed really eager and emotionally available. It was obvious she had problems, but so do I so I was ok with that. But the more emotional it got the more she was pushing me aside, the more she was having double standards, the more she was telling me I do things that I didn't do (but she did. Like "Only caring about myself"). It was though. I think I had too much empathy because I felt her pain and didn't want to leave her. At the same time I didn't want to lose this person who I was loving so much. It was hard. The breakup especially. Took days to weeks to answer. Misunderstood me, and responded to questions I didn't ask (because me misunderstood them). Basically leaving me hanging all alone and making it look like it's my fault at the same time. Man. That was an experience I could've really lived without.
You literally described my former 20 year marriage to a TEE! Wow 😯
Thank you, I feel validated and am so grateful for my new man who is polar opposite to this.
This is easy to spot at the beginning and you can’t make people be emotionally available. They need inner healing. Guard your own heart and either wait or move on to someone else who is reciprocal.
No It isn't always easy to catch. Some people wear masks. If they aren't attached they can be surface open. Everyone is different so this isn't true.
Great subject! Thank you Kim. I'm 63 with childhood trauma, my parents, my partners/husbands have been emotionally unavailable.
i’m sorry. that really sucks. best wishes
Me, too :(
Me three 😢
Me, four
Me five
this video helped me stop wasting my time. thanks Dr. Kim
The problem is that nowadays I don't see people who can respond emotionally in healthy ways. The question is: where and how to look for that kind of people? I only see cold people around. I feel like living in a world of zombies.
Wow! This resonates. I thought I was being careful with my last relationship, in that I thought I was asking the right questions up front to gauge what type of person he was. I barely scratched the surface I guess. The relationship was emotionally unfulfilling. He had the perfect out because he takes care of his Dad who has Alzheimers really bad. It was easy for him to become more distant as time went on using his Dad as an excuse. Granted, that’s a tough situation to be in but it was a convenient way to shift the attention away from his lack of emotional attachment. Things were so good until I started to express my feelings. I need to learn how to be more brutally honest sooner. I need to see red flags sooner. I need to love myself better. He actually told me early on he was a sociopath. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He knew how to manipulate me. I have some work to do on myself because now I have trust issues. I’m so sad and I feel broken. I fell in love and just wanted to be loved.
I can totally relate. I hope you are doing better and taking good care of your wonderful self.
You feel alone even when you’re together. Yes! I’m a widow and my husband and I had wonderful intimate conversations. My present guy just won’t do that. But he has committed to me, I believe, and he is flexible if I need to change our plans. He’s generous with me and personable with others. He is a widower and had been married 3 times, but the 3rd marriage lasted 40 years. So a mixed deal. You’ve made many excellent points about me, BTW.
It’s so hard navigating these situations. I definitely have some emotional unavailability and my ex did as well. It’s so interesting because we’re both blind in a way, not seeing how we both aren’t showing up for ourselves or each other. And we just blame the other person. And the more we see the other person holding back, the more we hold back as if that’s going to inspire the other to want to get closer. I have a lot of work ahead of me. But it does help having this informative video, and it makes me less angry at my ex. I’ve been carrying so much anger because my mind concluded that he was doing that stuff on purpose. And now I know he was not, because I sure didn’t see how and where I was wrong either. Thank you for this video. ❤
She checked off all the boxes. Probably the best video out there in regards to emotional unavailability. This person I seek is the one that is subconsciously giving me the anxiety, and I see myself as the anxious attachment. I hope there’s a chance in the future, because she has never been this way until I coincidentally met her.
Literally just went through this with a woman I was dating with the same exact behavior and traits that were just explained in this video...wow this whole video was her in a nutshell, every single detail😮👌🏿
I'm married to a man who's emotionally unavailable. It breaks my heart in pieces when I want him to be a little emotional but he just doesn't. I've mentioned this several times but he doesn't bother about it. I don't know what to do. I'm just helpless and hopeless wife
Absolutely perfect description of a dismissive avoidant.
Yeah definitely feel the anxious / avoidant thing in myself. I can be intimate and close with people, but when they try to get close to me I put up walls because I internalized that I'm weird or have parts of me that aren't likeable. So I feel like if I share things, I'll be judged and ridiculed. And then by picking friends who are even more distant than I am, they tend to reinforce those things by not validating or caring when I do decide to share something. I think I've made a lot of progress though through my various friendships. I think the difference is that I can verbalize this stuff / what I struggle with, but generally relationships feel pretty scary so I do more avoiding than anything.
I love watching a video and finding every example in past partners but then realizing that yes, through two marriages I have to own my part. I have been very confused. I have been emotionally unavailable through people pleasing. It is a way for me to try to manipulate a situation almost like a contract. Here, I have done so much, I have sacrificed so much "how could you not meet me some of the way?" The only common denominator in my relationships is me and my desire to present myself as someone who can fix every problem, be always the first to apologize and to accept my punishment of silent treatment or no sex or just periods of being in trouble without really knowing.
Thank you! Amazing that I could never see the log in my own eye.
Watch the Crappy Childhood Fairy for the full low down on managing the effects of childhood trauma.
omg you explained it perfectly and I do soooo much of it too. Narcissist dad, alcoholic mom... silent treatment is how my family communicates, unfortunately
I am emotionally unavailable to all. I learned a painful lesson and chose to never have it repeat again. Thus, I put on a blank expression, never talk unless absolutely necessary, and avoid any sort of social situations. There is absolutely no need for me to be emotionally available for anybody. I require no human companionship at all. I live alone, work completely alone, and live in a very rural area. Being social served no purpose in my life. There are no requirements in life to be social. I do not understand why so many force it when they do not know how to do it successfully and they feel miserable trying to be social. I function far above the perimeters established by social people in the aspects of self-reliance, independence, freedom, resourcefulness, and creativity. If I am excelling in these aspects, there seems to be no logical reason to subject myself to being social. I require no emotional bond with anybody, nor does anybody else. One will not die if they are not social. Being social is a luxury, not a necessity. However, for me, it provides no luxuries at all. Thus, I refuse to subject myself to the emotional abuse that almost always accompanies being social.
My goodness you just described my marriage
I was trauma bonded to my ex husband from the age of 15 until 2018. I was with him 36 years total. He abused me mentally ,physically, emotionally and sexuly . It's very scary to open up again with a man. I amdisabled now from all the trauma! I had to move back home after being abused through the court system to live with abusive parents. God is my only hope for safe housing and complete restoration for my life!!! Any suggestions for trusting again???
I’m sorry to hear that. Trusting starts with trusting yourself. I know for me it helped to work on myself, read and watch a ton of videos on self love and care and do inner child work. Basically be to yourself what your husband wasn’t and get to know who you truly are without him.
I’m a fearful avoidant who’s been with all attachments and being with an avoidant is easier for me with the shame I feel, because I don’t feel like a worthy person, the way they ignore me, and everything is on their terms makes me feel better, bc after all I don’t count.
Being with an anxious attachment turns me into an avoidant and I don’t like hurting somebody or not being able to communicate, Which I do anytime I’m with aa, and when it’s a choice between me being upset or someone else being upset I feel more stable being the upset one.
I hate shutting off. I hate not being able to feel or get close to people. And I HATE hurting others because I can’t communicate
And on that note anytime I’ve dated An fa attachment, I know for a fact they don’t even like me and just like how unavailable I am to them or how obsessed I get with them.
I can literally tell when they have the ick at me, and it’s annoying how anytime I shut off that’s when they want to be affectionate with me
As an fa I would never date one again.
As an fa I will not be dating anyone, until I heal the wounds that effect others. lucky for whoever I’ve been with that. I catch it early and I just leave- the second I like you im out of there respectfully and I for sure don’t entertain somebody I’m not interested in like I would have in the past.
Cuz guess what?? If ur an fa you’ll probably develop feelings anyway later down the line and then you just feel like a Dick because you thought if you didn’t like them fully and they liked you you would grow to like them and none of ur symptoms would show up. But ur wrong cuz now that u like them it’s been 3 months and congratulations ur avoidant and fucked up somebody’s view of love
I feel sick rn being so emotionally unavailable.
I love the vulnerability here. It so awesome to read such expressive comments. It helps me to further understand my fa partner, which is why I come to these videos. Thanks for your comment.
You are very self aware so to get past this starts with you. Doing the work and it seems to be you have already started to do the work. Don’t be so hard on yourself healing comes in time and even then we are never completely healed. ❤
I was at the other end of this treatment, it really fucked my view of love. Because, I was normally avoidant but I was in therapy for 2 years and coming of more secure. She lovebombed me not for manipulation but because of her own enthusiasm. Then pulled away suddenly. It triggered my newly found anxious side. I've tried to talk it through 3 times. In each time, she got colder. So, it ended.
My last relationship checks every one of these boxes. I saw all these issues early but didn’t know what they were…. Didn’t realize they were all connected somehow…. saw them all as isolated quirks and flaws. Needless to say they all got worse over time. They were major red flags!!! I grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents. I will work on me before I come across any more of these characters.
Its weird, I had someone chasing after me for a while now, but all of a sudden when I make myself available he pulled away. I'm kind of wondering what the heck. Like I know I've gained 10 pounds and I'm getting older, but I'm still take care of myself and attractive for my age. So I'm wondering what the heck, what's going on. He won't open up so I'm taking this as a sign to move on. I can't sit here staring at my phone waiting for an invitation. 😕
Run far far away. Someone showed interest and I noticed as soon as I got closer he pulled away, hot n cold. When I think let's leave it ,then he writes but as soon as I reply him he's gone. They are Mad.
Agree with other commenter. It has nothing to do with you so please don’t internalize it’s about your weight or age. They are who they are and although they’ll make it like it’s you trust me it’s them and they don’t see it at all
My father does most of all these things he also avoids accountability, loves gaslighting, plays mind games, says one and does another, he makes false or broken promises, loves stringing me along , also feel less than or not good enough around him , I developed anxiety, depression, bps , diabetes, insomnia, ptsd , have trouble trusting anymore. He doesn't seem to think what he does is hurtful plus everything is one sided with him !
What if we’re avoidant bc we’ve been hurt so much and traumatized ourselves
We can't change ourselves and the environment we grew up in, we withdraw and put up boundaries to keep safe from perceived threats.
Feels like with narcissistic traits
Please do a video on spotting covert narcissists early 🙏🏼
Yes. I am emotionally unavailable. This is for my mental safety.
@Kim, what is your advice? You totally describe how people with C-PTSD act towards their lovers.
I find friends can be quite draining at times and a relationships even more,so I avoid both..and now find good consistent mental health everyday ..priceless.
All true...just realizing this... and I am 70...ehhhh.
As soon as I listen to this woman I'm emotionally back. Which wasn't the case at home... I start to get why but I can't fix it.
Well my family are emotionally unavailable and then I married someone just like that. I don’t have a problem with intimacy. I wait to tell people something to see if their safe , narcissists are terrified of intimacy. My mother is sometimes emotionally unavailable. My aunt is definitely emotionally unavailable.
Important to note us being available to someone who isn’t or open to someone who isn’t isn’t a test of how ok we are with intimacy. It’s safe to do that with someone who’s not close to you. It’s when someone wants that and are available that you’ll know if that’s an issue
I envision a living fulfilling relationship…my bf comes in so big and loving and full of hopes and slowly over this year and a half I don’t have what I thought was just the beginning …😢I love him but my heart is broken and now I try to stay to work through and keep my hope alive..feel like I torture myself hoping that things go back to what they used to be bc it felt so good!
So glad I found this video. More than 3/4 of what she is saying here applies to my very recent ex and our dynamic. It’s validating to hear her say these things and present them the way she is. My therapist has said many similar things to me and I finally had the strength to say enough to being treated in a way that just made me feel neglected and alone all the time. It was difficult because we both like each other and she is a very nice woman aside from these relationship issues.
I am emotionally unavailable
Unavailable people are people, too. I wonder if this is the same as what Dr. Sage calls Avoidant. In any case, I think I check these boxes, too. I mean no harm.
Same, do you ever find that you can only have long-term relationships with other emotionally unavailable people? Or your unavailability scares off available people?
@@jo1681 As for me: I gave up on trying to have intimate relationships because I grew tired of disappointing people. I do have platonic friends who are probably also avoiders.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” -Carl Jung
@@rustyshimstock8653 anxious people are emotionally unavailable too. I’m one and if I’m real with myself I date avoidants bc it’s safe to have someone at a distance. Funny enough if you attract someone who wants to be close to you you will prob freak out and become avoidant too
What attachment style is most likely to be emotionally unavailable? Thanks fir videos like the link with substance abuse..
Ive been bodily ill for 15 years . I cant get more stress especially not working th sleepless nights. I hate mirroring its never regarding one's life
They refuse to talk, deflect and blame everyone else
I actually found myself with narcissists because to me love bombing meant they were highly interested and invested in me. So in an attempt to deviate from my patterns I found myself with an avoidant.
By choosing emotionally unavailable people, we get to hide our EU issues behind theirs. I'm trying to sort mine out so l can be more available and attract the same. It's a quagmire!
Exactly!
Let’s get emotional connected to the Universe!!!
I’m guilty of being conditional in my communication. I wasn’t even aware of it until you put it that way. Could be communication boundaries also. I just need to do better going forward.
So how do you become comfortable with yourself .
The Crappy Childhood Fairy is an excellent resource for the how to heal.
What I find really interesting, psychologically, is that people like my lovely grandparents, who are long gone now, met one another just before WW2 in London. They came from a poor background and my adorable grandmother as a young child was sent to a workhouse... she was only 8. Both of my grandparents were of a generation and social background where semi poverty was 'the norm'. They had harsh parents with their own set of issues, and due to the stresses of keeping a desarpately poor roof over their head and food on the table, had very little emotion spare for love or tenderness. My grandparents did not suffer from any of that and were extremely loving and kind people who remained in their marriage and had 4 children, my mother being one of them. I am sure that they, particularly my grandmother, must have had issues around abandonment and therefore an anxious attachment style. But do you know, I do not remember my grandparents ever displaying any 'odd' behaviour to anyone. Definitely no anxiety or depression either.
I have to add that after years of a career in TV, I retrained in my late 40's as a psychodynamic therapist and also did a psychology degree. So, I do have a good understanding of defences/negative patterns and problems around intimacy/commitment. My grandparents would have had good reason to be like this, but they had a happy marriage that lasted until my grandfather died.
I think that at times, and particularly nowadays, we tend to obsess over behaviour. Ours and others. Labels are attached to people by others who are not even qualified to analyse and so much damage is done due to this. There is a lot to be said for taking a leaf from my grandparents book (and others like them), where you just get on with life, with no obsessive navel gazing. We all overthink way too much.
In saying that, and also as an insightful 63 year old woman, I have come across men over the past few years, either as platonic friends, or in a 'date' scenario. And I would say that every one of them had issues around emotional intimacy (not sex of course... totally different thing) and commitment. It became so tiresome when they would get into defensive mode about 'why'. They would say it's about all kinds of things, other than what it is really about. Their male pride will not let them go there. Sad I think. Because they were all lonely. Playing the ritual of actively seeking a partner and then when they meet someone they find they like a lot, they start to unconsciously sabotage it. Exhausting game playing and hurtful for the women they arrange to meet/date. It's only therapy that helps this kind of thing when people get to a certain age. And only then, if they will agree to commit to opening up to the possibility of change.
TY for laying out all of these behaviors in a simple and direct way! This really helps to see where partners as well as myself are on the spectrum. Much appreciation. ❤
I dump them as soon as I see a sign of emotional unavailability so I must be healed
This is my experience with men. I’m glad that I’m aware of it now.
Wow. Thanks for sharing. Dating or living with someone who is emotionally unavailable seems to be a complete "hell".
I met someone whom I have been developing strong feelings for however she claimed to be an unemotionally unavailable person. Well, not for me...sorry. I already started ghosting her and am moving on.
Wow! Excellent therapy. So much of what you talk about on your videos is absolutely bang-on. I am an older female and I have SO many of the CPTSD traits that you describe. Still learning and growing. Thank you, Dr. Sage. I just discovered your channel today and have been listening to numerous of your videos.
yes iv been in that situation. no when i trust someone avoidance is last thin i want to do. it settles down with time.
My husband is an avoidant and many times emotionally unavailable. I have felt lonely in this marriage for decades. He's always been afraid to express his real feelings and his signs are all mixed up. Passive, aggressive, and condescending. I am so exhausted. Then he has the other personality of being being sweet and compassionate. It feels crazy
Leave. It is never going to improve
Intermittent reinforcement
This sounds like all the narcissists I encountered in South Korea but I understand this topic applies other groups as well. There’s good reason for all those videos of Asians and particularly those of South Korean descent gushing about finding emotionally available people in the West.
Escape can be a phone too. This video is hitting everything that's going on.
The guy I'm in a situation ship with has all of the traits you just described. I thought I could help him out of it with love and in actual fact I'm just hurting myself!
Get out now!
He sees a mug. That’s all you’ll be.
This is what I needed
It’s odd that the emotional unavailable person whom I dated was very consistent with his communication. However he never asked deep questions and didn’t care how my day went. He was so dry and never romantic .
Oh, I just listen to your talk and found it incredibly fascinating. You described my boyfriend to a T he has all the symptoms. You put into words all the things that I’ve seen and noticed, but had a hard time to describe. We just recently broke up, but it’s definitely for the best. Thanks for your talk it was totally enlightening.
iv been and am abused with women i stay with. i paid every bill and more for 30 years i hate to say i don’t love them and feel guilty for never having loved them. but i have seen to all i am called the most hateful names they are never happy for me, i have finally decided to leave but i fear how would get on money ways with me gone. im called everything under thesun but i must leave for my own sanity and respect. a woman well off and tuff had heard about the dogs abuse she said everyone knew. she said come live with her no more walking on eggshells cos she said love for her and peace for me. she is not a runner and could keep only with me. thanks be to God.
Lord, this is so much like this man I know. So much and I’m so tired of it!
I had the exact same experience…but other videos explain these signs as signs of narcissism. How can you distinguish these two?
You nailed exactly but now what do I do?
Thank you so much for this video! This was really helpful information that I have not heard about much and really needed to hear! I will remember these tools and use them in my life now.
Are they completely unaware? I’m emotionally unavailable after a relationship with an EU partner who became emotionally abusive. I tried dating and told the person upfront that things may not progress into commitment. It can’t all be subconscious? they seem comfortable stringing their partner along by being vague or not ending things. I feel you end up matching their energy cos of confusion. Regardless you feel gaslit by EU people
I agree some of it they have to know what they are doing but many also have this belief a unicorn will appear someday and fix all their issues and they will just be that loving partner which is totally a delusion
That's narcisism !!
As anxious attachment I'm dealing with avoidant attachment partner it's been hell he triggered my wounds, runner doesn't know how to express & deal with intimacy. he put me through hell i stopped and gave up on him 🥺💀 it's not worth it.
Thank you so much for this video. So much of what you say resonates with me and I recognize what happened with my FOO dynamics.
yup. that's me.
Hi Dr. Sage, Thx for another great episode, I have a question and not expecting a full professional diagnosis either, how can a person (in particular a male in a male dominant society) undo emotional unavailability when they have been raised in an environment, served in the military in combat where emotions were seen to be a weakness and or vulnerability?
Great question. I know I'm not Kim. No pretense here. But I wonder if reading the comments of the people on the dozens of channels on YT would help.
I can only tell you that I never felt expressing emotions was a weakness. In fact, I think it indicates great strength and confidence. It also makes a person so much more complex and interesting. But that may be easy for a woman to say.
Another suggestion: write about: times you have been upset, witnessed an injustice, felt fear, hope, desires, experienced past successes and failures. Be sure to include how you felt. Look up words that are feeling laden and use them.
Best to you on opening up to yourself.
It's so cool that you want to work on this, since military training also includes actual brainwashing to make people tough and obedient, you must have an extremely strong mind to even want to overcome it.
Chased security emotional love all my life I had a rough upbringing after My moms death I took care of her alone it was hard to see her suffer pain yrs I loved her so didn't think I could make it alone but 8 yrs later Im thriving the best I can but I used to really like people now I isolate a lot myself I have met unavailable men all my life great vid thanks first time here 😊
Dr Kim, you've just described my ex... It was painful but I could feel his heart behind all the defences, yet he decided to end it. Over a year later, he has contacted me with suddenly "vulnerable" messages, but not really apologising, and called me. I didn't respond. It's tough. I want to see if he is sincere or because I am sliding away, can he allow himself to feel again, but will eventually fall back into his avoidance if I responded.
He will. The behaviour will return after few months
@@evaollie9208 He has already "returned", calling and even sent a present, but not to ask to come back together. Last time, he was traveling through my country, so maybe he hoped to see me. But even if his messages were more open-hearted and not pretending anymore like we were friends, I did not respond. he texted "All the love you gave me filled my heart, despite I was not always that nice. or it didn't work out. I still carry that with me".
I was excited but also resentful for the "false hope" and his disappearing. It was hard to ignore him. It's been almost 40 days now. I believe I will not hear from him.
I also need a full apology and I don't think he can take accountability and see how he hurt me.
@@MissSarahGM why do you need an apology? That’s holding on. Just let it all go. If you got back together, he will go back to his old ways. It’s their nature. Stop with the apologies, conversations, fantasies. Just move on. They have nothing to offer
@@evaollie9208 Because I have not lost all hope for reconciliation..I agree that's fantasy - maybe all this time apart, and now feeling the loss of me, could make him grow and able to face his fears.
I have not talked to him since he called for my birthday in November.. sticking to no contact. What he texted recently gave me hope though..
What would do a healing avoidant? Ask to try again directly and apologise?
@@MissSarahGM THEY DO NOT CHANGE…all you have to do is read million of comments on these videos. Fact. Their nature is to be uncomfortable with intimacy. Wrap you head around that. Move on. It’s never gonna happen. You are not special nor is any other woman. It has nothing to do with that
Your videos are really helpful. Thank you.
Sounds like narcissism
Thank you, this video was very helpful. And thank you for helping us be honest with ourselves and become more aware of our own patterns too.