HOW TO DETACH | DR. KIM SAGE
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- Опубліковано 29 тра 2024
- This video describes the experience of detaching as it relates to attachment theory, and how to internalize detachment without leaning into indifference and avoidance.
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A lot of people have internalised the Buddhist mantra that “all attachment leads to suffering”. They ignore the basic reality that all human life begins with a search for secure dependable attachment of an infant to its caregiver. There’s no contradiction. A secure attachment is required for a healthy detachment later when its role is fulfilled.
Self worth is really the key. I had been so emotionally shut down because I didn't vent my anger. One day I had had it, and I vented all my frustrations out loud when home alone. I noticed I felt better afterwards. I realised that all feelings are valid, they need to be expressed. However they may not all be justified, so using discernment to question them is important as well.
When I was able to express my boundaries by saying: "That was not ok. I won't be treated badly. I deserve better". I was able to feel the anger turn into confidence and self worth, which has helped me out of depression.
Finally someone who still believes people who need people aren’t doing anything wrong. I also know you have to be able to be your “other”
I only recently recognised my tendency to fall into a limerent state as a coping mechanism. And it was earth-shattering. Recently, I met someone and felt connection, and made some far-fetched assumptions. Having not heard from them for a week now, I realised that I'm losing myself over that obsessive preoccupation with what they will do and ignoring my needs. Self-awareness is useful but I find some of those strategies are incredibly hard to put into practice. And some days, I just don't have the energy to conquer those feelings.
I recently had fight those feeling and I really wanted to contact but I stoped myself. I found like it easier to stop limerence at the very beginning. Like a vaccine. Don’t engage don’t stalk don’t contact. And if he does then you answer. But if this is limerance they usually don’t. So it’s a rule for me now if no initiative going on from the person I just stop myself imidiatly and it works!
Try to avoid appearing needy to others❤😊.
@@wanderthruitall5926Needy is not a bad thing. It is another voice simply telling us where the hurt is. How we help it is knowing how to communicate this as well as how to meet that need ourselves and not to always find it externally.
What has helped me is acknowledging the feelings within me, writing them down or saying them out loud to oneself or a safe person, but never put yourself down for having feelings. Feelings are valid, like a child that needs acknowledgment, however they are not always justified, so being like a parent to oneself and question the feeling where it comes from and if there are other area of life that the feeling arises, then one may find if it is just in that particular situating. Always acknowledge feelings in oneself, never shut them down.
Thanks Kim 🌷
Your room styling is so calming, soft and relaxing.
I'm 63 with Cptsd, mother and father narcissistic, and grew up with wounds that led me to choosing more Narcissist people and partners in my life.
I wish I had information and knowledge when I was younger. I realised my mother was a Narcissist in my 40's when there wasn't much information on the internet. I agree with you regarding the swamping of the term Narcissism on some of your other videos however, the upside is people are more aware of their trauma and pain due to childhood wounds and have more support, help and information.
I have detached myself completely, have low self esteem and have become hermit like to protect myself from 'dangerous' people. My therapist who specialises in Childhood trauma, is a wonderful support and your video mirrors her advice.
I live in Australia and watch all your videos, they are such a help. With Love
Hi Annie, I hear your struggle. I feel damaged in the same way with a narcissistic and jealous mother who's Dad, I found out in my late 20's, sexually abused her.
I have a boyfriend who says he loves me but I can't return the love and I don't know if it is because he is the problem or me? It is weird to not have my heart understand. I feel like a foreigner in my own skin. In Nov. I have just come out of an abusive 30 year marriage and have 4 daughters, 3 of who I am estranged from.
I feel broken and I want to be better; especially for my daughters. My eldest, who is 30 gets it and has strong boundaries to protect herself from me because I don't even know when I am being hurtful. This really hurts!
My second daughter happens to be living in Australia where I have extended family.
I have tried going to church but cry too much when I am there so I avoid it. I am 60 and wish I had known how damaging my husband was to me years ago.
Now I don't even know myself and have to focus so hard on keeping financially afloat that I put myself last.
Thanks for writing. I feel a connection to you being from similar background, close in age and in Auzie-land.
I’ve never heard the term “mothering yourself” and it really spoke to me.
Another video that feels like it’s made just for me! You’re doing God’s work.
I agree. I’ve prayed and cried for years, and it seems like God allowed me to come across these videos once I came to the end of myself.
@Greg LeJacques wrong choice of words… I know I was led by God and His Holy Spirit. I am nothing without Him.
So many of us!!! ❤
Exactly what I needed at 4am - obsessing and ruminating over a break up turned messy and confusing bffs. 😔❤️🩹
Be open to everything but attach to nothing.
You're helping me. I'm 71 years old. My mother was diagnosed with BPD.
Geez... i feel like you are trying to teach me and give me answers to all of my unanswered questions . LIKE why can't i let myself be loved or even liked again. I never thought of my childhood as being abandoned. They were there physically, it is just that bad things happened and i had NO ONE. That is abandonment. Thank you
I almost didn't watch this because of the title of the video but I'm glad I did!
Certain words really stuck out. Despair, desperation & deprivation.
"We care because we are wired to care." Yes!
Watched this video twice.
This is probably one of the MOST thorough and thoughtful explanation of the Actual real life challenge of practicing radical acceptance ❤🙂
I've watched my family slowly wither and die over the past 30 years so when I finally had to put up boundaries I kind of pretended that they all died in a fire and I've been in shock ever since. I feel I'm finally starting to recover. It's extreme but so was the toxicity I was facing. After all of that said it's really hard to be indifferent to the knowledge I have that the person I could potentially fall in love with could actually destroy me again. I'm pretty sure right now I'm ready to risk that so that is being indifferent and it's a problem for me.
I learned with Jesus it is learning to detach to the emotions that are negative. Keeping calm. Prayer really works for me when someone is triggering me. Not perfect but it's not blaming and shaming when you fail. Just apologize and self love and support and try to see how to help better next time. To yourself and anyone you might have lashed out at.
🙏🏻✨
I feel like if I could completely shut down emotionally from wanting to connect to people it would be so much better. In my family or at work or any friend group I’m the least wanted person there. It always feels like I’m only tolerated or included because I can be guilted into doing things for people. And I come off as over eager like I’m so willing to be used because that’s the closest I’ll get to being wanted. I want to detach and shut down and not care. If I could just get to that point I feel like things would be so much better
I pray for you. You are strong and amazing human being ❤
Thank you so much. I really apprecitate you sharing this. Honestly, its been a struggle to attempt to act like I don't care when in all reality there was sooooo much hurt inside me for many years and still healing from it. Thank you again 🙏🤍
Dr Sage, your efforts really benefit people like me. I am learning for helping others especially for young generations. Your teaching has a unique way of making complex psychological concepts easier to understand. thank you ! May God continually use you blessing people ! ❤❤
Send them your love but disconnect enough that you can heal. Understand and accept if that relationship is good in the long run or not. Eitherway send them your love and wish them the best. And in the meantime, as jordan peterson out it, treat yourself as someone you actually care for, even if you have to think about yourself as if you were your own child. You wouldn't leave that kid alone right?
Ur offering a solution in line to talking to ur adult and inner child.
Self soothing, and a nurturing someone to give ourself affection, love, attention and advocacy.
it seems we need a self before we can reject others because of our fear of dying without them. I see us as born with an infinite number of Legos with which to build a self, but we had to help build others' lives and leave our Legos just lying there. Now we have all of our Legos, but they are just lying there waiting for us to build a self and a life. I trip my switch to self-support by saying, God loves me a lot and I am God's favorite, (we all are). This really does help me when facing verbal abuse by family members.
I have PTSD and BPD but I have a lot of trauma from my childhood that I only recently started realizing. It's possible it could actually be c-ptsd for all I know. I have anxious attachment and abandonment issues. So I'm gonna keep listening to videos like this because frankly they're helpful.
same here - I do same and C PTSD and BPD are similar
It's been helpful. I am trying to detach from my mother (72) who has been giving me silent treatment for a year. For no reasons, and that gives me so much toxic shame. And also detach from my emotionally unavailable avoidant ex who sporadically contacts me, but I know I must expect more and I deserve more. My whole relational reality is about rejection, shame, and feeling like I don't deserve.
❤
Thank you Angela ❤ I just received a dismissive letter from my mother and feeling overwhelmed with anger and sadness.
In the contemplative tradition, detachment is releasing ourselves from a substitute good in order to reattach ourselves to a true good. A true good, for example, is our need for mutual love and affection. A substitute good would be when we pursued fame as a substitute for our true need for mutual love and affection. Therapy works beautifully with this “spiritual” view of detachment properly understood, because therapy helps make us more fully aware of our true selves and helps us align our attachments in ways that bring joy to ourselves and to others.
I need the love and understanding of another to allow me the safe passage to be heard and understood. What I seem to have difficulty giving myself is the nuturing I had never received in childhood. I find that being in a relationship can be alot of work. Detachment is another name for denial. You can't intellectualize your depressed feelings by reading another book, journaling, or exercise. When repressed feelings exist, you are never at peace with yourself.
I don’t have the words to express my gratitude for you and your channel. It is truly a godsend.🙏🏽 Thank you is not enough. May God continue to use you to help heal. 🙏🏽❤️🩹
Im so grateful to have found your channel
You’re a beautiful soul and your analysis is so helpful.
I love all your videos. They are so healing and eye opening and spot on. I wish i found you sooner. Timing is everything ❤
This pink is so beautiful on you!
Thank you so much. I have been thinking about that a lot and it didn’t make sense to me to detach this way. I hold space for myself and my feelings and I’m creating a mother in myself to feel better 🙏🏽💜
timely info for me as i try to detach from a new relationship that took me completely by surprise - i watched my inner child go through her moves to try to "deal" with not hearing from them - and felt sad at how desperate that child really was for love and connection. then i started building connections with ppl inside my life already. that helped alot.
Dear Kim, thank you for your time and good work. Everything you say seems to be directed towards me and it is all very helpful. As a man, I have got a hard time making others understand that I am hurt, sensitive and loving as well and this inner parenting, if hard to attain and implement, is a great tool. Love you Kim!
Amazing I've been in therapy for years, and while it helps a lot, it's these tools/mind set we often don't get to learn, b/c we only have so much time in session. Thank you Dr. Kim, you're beautiful inside and out!
here's my one that never fails: never look at their number so that you don't "automatically" memorize it, and promptly delete it if you don't hear back from them within a reasonable period. why keep someones contact info that has 0 ability or desire to reciprocate normal communication with you? it won't take away the longing per se, but it sure does help.
This is a good topic for me right now. After being raised by a narcissist mother I have a hard time detaching from a toxic person I work with. Whenever he comes and talks or makes comments about work or people it’s always bad or negative or someone else’s fault or they are an idiot for designing it like that etc. It sounds silly to me but I feel tenseness in my body, my heart rate increases, I shut down because I don’t want to prolong the feelings in my body while he’s around so I kind of gray rock I guess. I really gotta work on the detach thing because in reality he is not a threat at all. Just a very triggering g person for me to be around. This is hard work making change in your mind to not trigger all those auto body responses to threats that’s are not
Dr. Kim, Your wisdom, compassion, deep understanding and love (of course, you also look like Miss America) definitely puts you head and shoulders above the other Psychologists out there.
Thank you. I knew something didn't make sense because if you are just not caring or being shut down in a relationship, what would be the point of expending energy to it. Confusion cleared.
Thank you for that reminder. There have been times when I wanted to shut my heart off completely. And may be times when I have being indifferent in order to protect myself. Even once when my cat was sick and I was afraid she was going to die, I started to detach myself from caring about her so it would hurt less when I lost her. Luckily she got better and my love for her came out tap fully on. That was a scary episode.
I love these videos. Giving me hope. Thank you so much
Thank you for this information .. if you could elaborate more on creating “ an other “
THIS is SO good!! These understandings have been bubbling to the surface but I couldn't put it all together. Thanks, so very much, for putting into words what DETACHMENT actually looks & feels like ❤🙌
How to be detached. (creat an other for yourself, a reparenting figure)
1. Observe your reactions. Maybe write down interactions everyday .
Nurture and love for yourself, instead of whats happening out there.
Think about you and your reactions.
Focus on you.
What are you trying to control, what assurances are you trying to get from the other person by wanting them to act a certain way?
- Look at the stories youve created around what youre trying to detach from.
Detaching means settin up other mother to reparent yourself, instead of focusing on the other person or situation.
Mother yourself (remind yourself to exercise, journal, write them a letter)
Set boundaries for yourself ( i will not make a decision to cut them off when im still angry, i need to calm down first)
B
This was really helpful for me and what I’m going thru right now. Thank you 💜
Omg. So glad I found this channel
Kim, this video provides real strategies for my positive detachment for growth, staying in society, working on 'self mothering my wounded child', and relooking at 'fear of rejection' in a new light. Most excellent👌! Now I am feeling empowered in fresh ways, to fulfill a lifestyle goal I have. And I plan to invite people into my life who are willing to be supportive in my endeavor.
I have been watching 6 year old episodes you have on UA-cam as a new listener. And I get it! As a newby, I can see you are providing a number of mindful of actions here. I feel happy and energized about what I got out of this particular video on Detachment. I feel grateful for this new direction in self mothering my 'wounded child'. I can see myself as wearing ruby slippers!
The most wise and authentic video about detachment I watched so far (and I've seen a looot of them before!!) Thank you so much❣
You have helped me tremendously with these videos. You present vital information in a plain and practical way. You don’t have to do it but you do and I’m thankful to you.
Again, so helpful video...
Thank you Dr Sage!❤ your teaching is so valuable 🙏🏻!
Exactly. Love you me first few minutes. 100% we are not robots.
I watched many of your videos, the way you convey the msg is founded in research and personal experience. Great combination and very relating. Keep up the fantastic work even during times of uncertainty. Thanks Kim I appreciate your gift.
Thank you Dr. Kim, I am so grateful you came up on my feed. Your videos are sooooo helpful ❤
I reconciled with my husband after coming very close to divorce in October. My mother died October of 2021 and my dad died October 2022. I quit my job in October. Here I am
All these months later feeling empty and not sure about anything
You're not alone. I was literally scrolling through the comments to see if I'm the only one who is having a hard time with the lost if a parent. My mother was a Narcissist, but my dad was a pretty good parent to some degree...I feel lost without him. He was my rock.
I have so, so much to do for myself
I needed this video it was nothing short of amazing!! I’m going through this very thing right now with the relationship I wanted with my father
Awesome video!! ❤ I need to listen a thousand times!!
Thank you once again. I appreciate you! 🙏✨
Really needed this thank you
Thank you 🙏🏻 You are truly a blessing
Thank you so much!
Thank you.
Thank you 🙏
This is such a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing this! ❤
This is so good. Thank you for posting. It really resonates with me and the alternative other is such a great way to help heal.
Thanks for your videos. Keep up the great work. You are a great blessing.
Wonderfullly done. And other sites that are more black and white as you described it, can be right 😊intellectually, but they don’t allow for the human nature of the person as you do in your lecture.
wow!
i asked!
i received!
THANK YOU FOR THE CONFIRMATIONS!!!
(at one point i started hearing Luthor Vandross' song "Too Far Down" playing in my head.)
You are amazing - I get so much from you - thank you.
In seeking helpful info for my daughter......I'm learning a bunch about myself!!!😮🥰...thank you.....for ALL your time...... knowledge.....n care♥️
Thank youuu❤❤
52 and a life destroyed here, and no way to healing..so these words resonates until you said self parenting. I studied all this, I know it is said to be true, but sadly we are rationalising it, when instead we know the heart to be a separated brain on itself, with separated neurological cells, which explains a lot, even why all these psychological fuss do not work: to communicate a message we use the brain and its language function, but that doesnt involve the heart, and the sympathetic system, another brain, in our guts. We say jn the guts are our emotions, no they are in the heart ..the heart brokenness moves the emotions to the guts and via that to the body somatisation and from there to the brain..last place where the child receive the conscious realisation from the heart and their body sensations to have been betrayed, abandoned, exposed with their fragilities and vulnerabilities..
How the hack one can heal that...??
That is SO HEAVY that telling me i have to reparent my self, that my inner adult can do it..sorry all of you Professionals, but that seems so off/impossible...because WE HAVE NOT GOOD PARAMETERS to copy, learn from, TO FEEL..if we NEVER FELT PARENTED IN THE BEST MORE HEART WARMING WAY, how can we reproduce something WE DONT KNOW HOW IT FEELS, for ourself?..
If we miss the experience and come from a broken heart space that obviously implies also a total fall of trust in others and live, how we are supposed to think to be better than anyone else and everything around us? Even, to rise so "above all and everyone else wrong" to self parent ourself at the best, would not lead us right into narcissism?
Wt hurt us now infected us? Great...should be another way..my research will go on until I'll die
Try hypnotherapy
@@colettespencer3357 that is a very good suggestion for this person.
I agree
It would be helpful if these videos were also directed at seniors as well. How does one do this at the age of 70 who moved to a strange place to be near their daughter, and the daughter who made promises, is now ghosting the elderly parent? What are the options then?
Thankyou
For now, anyway, this is working very well for me! I tried another exercise where you remember and recognize the feeling of times in the past where your need what met, but really struggled coming up with memories of those good feelings. But I can almost instantly bring up an entire OTHER (I'm using Bobby Ewing from Dallas, lol) to replace obsessive thoughts of a toxic lover and get instant peace and warmth. It won't be Bobby of course, but someone with many of his qualities IS OUT THERE, for me, when I'm ready. I'm getting ready.
Love you Kim 🥰
So good.
I watched them like they were a patient. I observed them and watched their personality disorder.
I’ve been listening to your videos and think they will definitely be helpful for my step daughter. But she is 13 currently going through this with her mom and her bpd. Do you have any videos or advice for a child now going through it? We want to help my daughter…
Yeah there are a lot of unsafe people.
Is there a link or a way to hire you as a my therapist lol..for real though seriously what's the cost
My ex taught me everything i need to know about detachment. I am more trying to understand her psychology so I can protect myself from her type in the future
Mindblowing beautiful angel💋🌹👜
Your blouse is gorgeous as is your room
What and how did you detch and still be a loving person, Dr Sage?
Yes, creating or redirecting to ? a pet (for example) to receive love when mother is not loving. Mother Ocean (literally) served me when I was 18yrs old. Read Women Who Run With Wolves
had alcoholic father, schizophrenic mother, and lazy/karen/narcisstic/projecting sister. orphans don't know how good they have it.
Borderline
Requires a medical diagnosis
Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.
People may experience:
Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint
Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness
Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism
Also common: thoughts of suicide
Dialectical behavior therapy is sometimes used for borderline and PTSD.
3:45 4:07 4:34 4:36 4:50
Does anyone know how to search for the video talking being blamed for selflessness? It won't search in dr sage community or anything? I'm confused. I've been blamed for selfishness by my alcoholic step father
I hear good pints but it’s hard to follow for some reason I have to listen to it multiple times idk why .. I think I didn’t understand the other or concept as to how it relates to detaching .. in present time and past time or future … like I get the reparenting and creating a different version that meets your needs with partners but would you go to a parent figure after a break up or career not working out too?? Wow lol 😂… I guess that’s why my mom says your always going to need parent .. I thought you would go to a threapist for adult needs or adult friends who are suppor or support groups .. but again they aren’t perfect they are human and limited so I go to God .. who I have labeled father mother as alternatives to parents or original parent to all … I guess if I sound lost please clarify if the farther mother thing is the same I guess I just never caught on to go parent when hurt or in despite but makes sense
The shutting down part resonates and hence felt clueless to go to parents when in despair 😩.. ans how I tried going to my teacher but couldn’t or when did my ppl please Omg trait kicked in and had me set sabatoge an opportunity too and reinforced conditional and judgement Al love and perfectionist or not being seen known and heard
This really answers my question to what didn’t I turn to someone for help and how I’ve said I’m how could I turn to abusive so called love ones for support
Exactly wt ultimately I descovered as well. Than recently I descovered yhat in our heart are cells that are like an independent brain..and this explains when we say that thd love has its own rules we rationalky do not understand.
So, liteeally wd have 3 brains: jnvthd heart for emotions, jn the guts to bridge the heart emotions into the reality via the 5 senses(guts brain) and only aftrr these two the message reaches the brain to become conscious thought and so up to our consciousness, understanding, rationalisation, critical thinking system.
But Who said Jesus of Nazareth to be? L❤VE, I guess the only one that can indeed heal that broken heart brain in us
But why does it have to end. Can’t things exist without being over forever it seems so grim to me. It feels unnecessary. Overall this video was so helpful thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with us.🙏🏾
❤
Your voice reminds me of Shania Twain 🌝
I stopped caring or trying, I am that child. 😪
Will you sign a contract i would write?
The Catholic guilt I feel when I realize I have to frickin' do this with BOTH parents. My bro was m@lested by a parish priest, I left the church about 10 yrs ago, and my family followed soon after. It has ruined our family. I no longer feel anything spiritual. I do sing sacred works in my community chorus..that's about as close as I get. My brother served 3 yrs in prison for exacting revenge on the diocese via burglary because nobody would listen to him. But, he had a criminal history prior to that, and my narc father NEVER made him serve out the full sentence for any of his prior arrests. My dad ALWAYS bailed him out against my mom's pleas to make him stay in jail. If I did that- he wouldn't help me- he would turn his back and make me stay there. He has the most FUCKED up relationship with that brother ( he is the GC) and my youngest brother and I switch off on the role of scapegoat. We are both chronically ill ( I have Type 1 diabetes and VHL disease and my brother has really bad Crohns and was just DX with epilepsy. I am exhausted. I moved back home after I went through a horribly bad layoff, and the economy took a shit. I never should've come back. I got sick shortly thereafter (at 33. ) I am 45 now. 😢 Mom is a communal narc. He is a covert narc. Her father was a narc and BOTH his parents were horrible overt narcs (divorced). Grandma bankrupted my grandpa.. he left my only child father when he was 11 and their family home went up on the auction block. My mom's dad was covert. Used religion to torture his 7 kids. Crashed his violin and guitar factory business twice. He was always dreaming up new schemes, and my poor grandma had to talk him out of them dozens of times. It's true that you live with the ghosts of prior generational abuse and neglect - my mom is the eldest of the 7 kids, and I am female and the eldest of 3.
Am I the only one who found this hard to finish.