If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) I can definitely identify with this. Does anyone else feel the same?
Wow !!!!! My goodness how do you know my life and yes gym addict actually watching this video as I run on the treadmill I’m a mother and my body looks childless had an eating disorder undiagnosed now I’m just obsess with counting calories and working out and everything else you mentioned I’m floored
@@themoonbleu627 I’m sorry you can relate. I have had similar issues. I don’t want to go into detail here but you’re not alone. The obsession with self-improvement is definitely linked to avoidant attachment, I’m convinced. It’s the over-focus on the self to avoid connecting too deeply with others, and trying to avoid being seen as “damaged” at the same time that fuels the pseudo-heathy numbing behaviors.
Great post. Was there a point in your life where you felt safe with someone? I really tried to provide a safe haven where she was accepted for who she was and complemented for her strenght while not blamed for her faults. But it was a neverending struggle where she unknowningly kept moving the goalpost
@@onnol917 Thanks. I did have one serious relationship in my life where I felt like I could let down most of my walls. They did all they could to make me feel safe. The reason it didn't work out is because, unfortunately, the basis of the relationship was unknowingly rooted in my avoidance from the start and was never safe enough. While they could show up for me on an emotional and mental level, we were worlds apart in all practical matters. It was never going to last. I didn't recognize it at the time, but safety is more than just being able to open up and be yourself with someone. That's ONE element of safety in a relationship, but that's not all we need for a healthy relationship. They couldn't provide a sense of safety by having a stable, grounded career. Their finances were messy. And so was their home life. Think about how that mirrors the chaos and lack a lot of avoidant people come from. You can have loving, well-meaning family who never have their lives together and leave you confused, isolated, and under-cared for. I think I recognized, at some level, this could be an issue from the start. But I chose to ignore it and try to work around it, even waiting for them to adjust things to meet my needs. But it never happened, and so I left. Avoidants are just as likely as anxiously attached people to fall for potential, because that way, you can blame it on the other person or circumstances vs. risking deeper intimacy, rejection, and loss. I would say your ex-partner 'moving the goal posts' sounds like someone recognizing that their needs are not getting met, because they ignored red flags from the start and are now bringing them up to give themselves an exit, or to test you to see if they can actually continue to move forward and allow deeper intimacy. It's incredibly unhealthy for both people involved. I'm not a psychologist but if I had to guess, your ex-partner was probably on the fearful vs. dismissive side of avoidance.
"you could play by yourself for hours, you were such an independent child." I always thought it was a compliment, now I see it isn't. I have a long journey ahead of me. Thanks for the videos
Look how avoidant children react during the strange situation experiment, basically a child plays in a room near the mother. Suddenly the mother disappears from the room and a stranger enters the room. The secure reaction should be crying "where is my mom, I need protection". But avoidant children don't cry and continue to play because they already know nobody will support them emotionally.
I hear you, I’m just finding out about it attachment styles a year after my ex was already fed up with me “not figuring it out”, and “not being like her friends’ boyfriends.” A day late and a dollar short, the ONE person I was actually starting to open up with and become comfortable hand holding with. Extra long hugs were her thing, which I dislike, but loved every second when it was with her. Don’t give up on your journey personal growth, you’re worth the effort, and I want my DA fam to win. I’m retired from service, that last L was a doozy. Took me a year and a half of sobriety and therapy to get by. But that yearning for love and romance is definitely extinguished, I felt it for sure.
I grew up in a household full of chaos. I found relief by not asking for anything. I would walk to school during snowstorms to avoid a ride by a parent. Anything and everything to avoid rocking the boat. This carried over into my professional and personal life in unimaginable ways. Self destruction and impossible for me to reach out. Won't bore you all further.
I also have a fear of impending doom when a relationship gets more "serious" I feel as though something is expected from me, and the closeness and being able to trust another person is the most life threatening feeling, even the thought of marriage or partnerships makes me question the person in my mind repeatedly and if their feelings are "real", its so hard to explain in words what I go through. I am happiest when I am alone and Independent, I don't like to rely on anyone for my emotional well-being, financial or anything else. I have always self soothed, self financed, self loved and self everything, I am the hermit but also very social when I want to be but others even friendships I can't get too close, I always have to create a distance real or imagined
This was exactly how I felt when I ran away from the literally perfect man. Not my BPD talking, he was so genuine and honest with me, we could communicate openly and I felt so understood and heard with him and in turn I could focus on him when he had anything to say. But I remember seeing this adoration in his eyes, and I just....stopped. stopped texting back. Stopped talking. Avoided him at work. I just...ghosted him. Because I didnt know what to do, it was so frightening.
WOW. It’s been 8 months of no contact. I knew she had some personality as style that prevented her from showing emotions. Her behavior was narcissistic in how she treated me. After her discard of me like trash I researched the videos on the various types of personality attachment styles and narcissism. Too many things led to believe she may be a narcissist. That’s why I did no contact. I didn’t want to do this but I felt I had to in order to survive and heal. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I saw the good and kind person inside her. I thought she may change. I couldn’t change. She has to do it herself. When someone tells you (over the phone, not in person) she has no feelings for me. We were more than friends. We were intimate. But there wasn’t any intimacy really. I felt no emotions from her. I tried to get to give me some feelings but that was a mistake. I crossed the line. Feelings and intimacy made her uncomfortable. Sex is easy but intimacy is difficult for her. I had no other choice but to let her go. I wasn’t able to give her the passion she was asking for. I feel there may have been some guy in the picture that was filling her needs. She was cold, no remorse in her voice when she discarded me. It seemed that she was relieved telling me. Her behavior up to discarding me was abusive. Yet she wanted to remain friends. So so confusing. I was sick and she wasn’t around. No concern. Just annoyed, bored, and angry with me. In my heart I felt she decided to get rid of me. I meant nothing to her. All this time with her was all an illusion. Even her emotions were fake. Whether she was a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, avoidant attachment style, it didn’t matter. Her behavior towards me was abusive. She was a toxic person, selfish, spoiled and lacked empathy. I feel I did the right thing to walk away from her. She never made any attempts to contact me. She has moved on. Your story sounds so familiar. My ex is very much like you. Relationships are tough. Commitment is tough. I cared for my ex. As I got close to her, she would pull away. The problem in the relationship was that there wasn’t any communication. I told her in the beginning that we need to talk to each other if something is bothering us. Don’t let it fester. I believe in working things out if you truly care about the person. I am so sorry for you. But your story has helped me understand better what a person like you and my ex is experiencing. I feel your pain, your agony. Pray to God. Prayer and meditation has helped me to heal. I’m not there yet but I am healing. I am ok. I am safe. I am loved. I pray to God that you find peace within yourself. 🙏🌹😊
I’m avoidant n I get actual panic attacks by reading messages like “I want to get to know you better” “can’t stop thinking of you” it makes me feel like I’m drowning in cement n the only way out is to end it… I wish counselling was cheaper because I’m getting worse as I’m getting older n don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s a no win situation when you can’t afford the help you so desperately need.
Damn.. guy I dated was an avoidant. And the more I felt he was taking space fm me whenever some emotional connection happened, I used to send him similar messages coz I looked forward to more fulfilling connection, but he pulled further back. That frustrated me a lot
@@manasac3102 I can promise it was everything to do with him and nothing to do with you!! It’s a real mind bender for you poor people who date is avoidants
Have been with my wife for 11years and never realised I had this issue until she said she's out and wants to go it alone with our 2 kids. She has anxious attachment and every couple of years or so there will be an outburst at me for not being more emotionally present and intimate, for disregarding her feelings, for constantly finding activities to avoid our relationship (gardening, renovations, fantasy footy blah blah blah) etc. etc. Somehow we get over it and it all goes back to being the same as before, the cycle resets. I feel sick knowing I've had these issues for all this time and never realised. This has potentially destroyed my life, stripped me of the one person I love most and my 2 kids. They should teach this stuff in school! I now realise I have this problem and am committed to changing and already feel like a different man but she feels emotionally burnt out and doesn't know if she can go again.
I am so sorry - you are not alone and sadly, so many adults had no idea that they were more avoidant because it was how they survived their childhood. I am so proud of you for recognizing it and I am hopeful you can heal in your relationship with your wife. It matters for your kids too - they need us to be emotionally present so no matter what happens, your healing still changes the lives of those you love. Sending so much support!!!:)
Ouch. I’m so sorry for your struggle and pain. I’m really happy to read this from a male perspective, as my hubby has been molded in this way as well. Like you, he loves me so much and doesn’t want to have a hurtful cycle. But it’s been years and years and it is so hard for me to stay wise and patient. I’m proud of you for being committed to change!! Stay uncomfortable, you can definitely do this.
Im in this same boat right now. Been with my wife for the past 8 years. Never aknowledging my problems till now. We have 4 kids and a busy house. But I love my wife. But ive also not been faithful to my marriage or respectful in a sense. No physical cheating but I flirted and deleted messages . So I understand my journey more now than ever before.
Ok, so 8 or 9 months in, doing research, seeing a psych etc. and I've realised attachment theory isn't probably the best explanation for what went wrong. I've learnt that she most probably has undiagnosed BPD and that there was probably nothing I could have done or not done to save my marriage. I found a therapist that does UA-cam videos called AJ Mahari and she has really helped explain things. I was way too harsh on myself, reading my original post here is a bit cringe now. The depression, the drinking, the devaluation/rejection, criticism/blame, splitting, self identity issues, issues with her mum, childhood trauma, abandonment... they all point to BPD. You can be the most perfect husband and someone suffering from BPD symptoms will still devalue, reject and abandon. To some degree I feel sorry for her, it's not her fault, but at the same time she has caused me so much pain and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's just all incredibly sad and tragic.
I cant thank you enough for putting the time an effort into giving us this life changing stuff for free. It gives me enough to think, hell yeah therapy is worth it for me.
The avoidant style you are explaining describes me. My last relationship that I was in and out of for 6 years was not healthy for both of us. To top it off I am gay and due to my Christian upbringing and beliefs about homosexuality I also had the added guilt, shame and anxiety around sex. Plus, ocd! So not only was I avoidant I rarely wanted to have intimacy and sex with my boyfriend to avoid how I would feel afterwards. He was wise to leave. My Father was emotionally unavailable and my mother used her children to get more of her emotional needs met. I was her confidant. Her and I were definitely enmeshed. I am once again in counseling and committed this time. Because I want to have healthy relationships in the future. Currently living out of my van, no friends, no stable income and refusing to fall back on my parents for support like I have my entire adult life. Thankfully I am sober from cannabis, 3 weeks now. One day at a time!
Try AA or NA, it changed my life. You might think your issues are serious enough but that’s a common thought. It’s an amazing community of friends and support. Once you get involved in it, you will be astonished. I’ve lived cars and and the streets and now I’m 3 years sober and my is more fulfilled than I could ever dream of. You just gotta keep working on yourself and growing
As a secure who dated an avoidant, I can say it hurts everyone. I was an amazing girlfriend to this person. He made me feel lonely and neglected constantly in the relationship. I took his avoidance as incredibly selfish and aloof. None of my needs were met at all and even though I had other men interested in me I was deeply loyal and he wouldn't even sleep with me. My self-esteem was destroyed by this person and even 2 years later I'm still recovering from that treatment. He would avoid seeing me for 2-3 weeks at a time. In the end of our 3 year relationship I broke it off with him even though i loved him. To this day i don't think he will ever understand the potential we had and what he destroyed. I feel truly sad for him.
Probably some were as something had the person stick around. Maybe things started off good but then deteriorated. Also a "secure" person can become "insecure/anxious" in certain relationships. And then tends to stick around even when things go bad :/
It’s been one year and I’m about to end it. I had no idea this disorder existed. This was the most unfulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s so sad because I really love this person, but I just cannot do this to myself anymore. I feel so sorry for him.
@@ramblingrahema2125 this is exactly what happened. First year was good. By the middle he made me anxious. He kept saying that things will go back to how they were at the start and to "give him the benefit of the doubt" I gave him that for 2 years. I know it's too long but he kept making me believe that the good times would come back.
Amazing explanation. I feel like I can finally pinpoint it. It’s really exhausting because it’s never my intention to hurt my significant other but once the relationship “plateaus” and is out of the honeymoon phase, it becomes too real for me. That’s the point where I welcome cheating, flirting, or just leaving. I feel really shitty about destroying these men though so I find myself here trying to heal from this. Even in friendships, I find myself annoyed if the relationship becomes too high maintenance for me. Definitely subscribed!
This style also develops from an emeshed mother and distant father. It's not always from neglect. It leads to codependence not independence. Many avoidants have this but it's not talked about a lot.
Well I have a mother who’s a covert narcissist & never truly tried to be a normal functioning adult to handle life on her own and raise her kids with structure. So she always told me all her business, rant to me, trauma dumped to me, wants my advice/support, and just told me things a child should’ve not been caught up in. I had to be the mediator while my needs went met, rejected, and ignored. Sometimes I have had a bit of hostility towards me because I voice my pain or problems or want a supportive parent, I get rejected. Second, I had a distant father who was sexist, a criminal, had other children, and he was never there for me like that. We had a distant relationship altogether & he would act misogynistic as well. Just a really toxic dude, he died when I was 19 unfortunately he was already dead to me. I moved on quickly. I was never provided for all that well, and became distant, isolate, and hyper-independence. I became severely independent not co-dependent. I have a low tolerance span for people who carry traits like my family members, if I see any signs of that I ghost asap. I don’t trust a lot of people easily. I was always raising up myself, my mother, half sibling , and want my peace to myself tbh.
💯💯. He is classic DA whos fsther abandoned him when he was a kid. And a chronically ill mother who was intrusive and overbearing, always needed caretaking. He became her pseudo husband in a sense. Too much enmeshment. I found it sadly gross and there were 0 boundaries.
As someone with this attachment style, I completely agree with the fact that it develops from parents, but I also want to argue that it solidifies by getting reinforced by people outside of your immediate family. I remember that I was vulnerable with others when I was younger, but repeated rejection or getting too involved and then being hurt has solidified this attachment style to the point where even deep friendships are intimidating.
For the most part, they reflect what you believed yourself all this time. Plus you're focusing on it to prove yourself right. If you decide to allow yourself to be vulnerable, present, and connected, others will more often (most of the time) also 'allow' you to be.
This video taught me so much. I’m an anxious attached person and I’ve been so screwed up over a breakup with an avoidant. Just being able to further understand him, and in doing so, empathize with the terrible things he’s done to me (without being able to explain why), I can finally feel some peace of mind. Thank you so much!!!
OH MY GOODNESS!! You helped me more in the first 5 minutes of your video than any therapist has helped me in 35 years. WOW if that doesn't describe my mother to a T, my second ex-husband would also love to hear that there is a name for the way I act. If I told him once I told him a thousand times..."I am a big girl, I can do it myself, I don't need your help" Yes, it became a problem Hence the status "Second ex-husband"
I play a videogame. Skyrim. in the game you can get married. to have a helper. I couldn't even do that in a game couldn't decide which character is safe or best. cant choose. heavy decisions
SO THIS IS WHY I DRINK SO MUCH. But seriously though, I'm so happy I found this video because I'm really realizing how much being avoidant has ruined my friendships
Wow- this describes me almost perfectly (except that I long ago stopped thinking there was such a thing as an ideal partner). You say to "lean in to the emotions with other people", but that's the problem...I can't really do that. I'm detached from my own, so also with others. It's like saying "the answer is to stop being avoidant". I think this is compounded by being a man, where it feels very "weak" or "vulnerable" to be anything but stoic. The times where I have expressed my emotions, it's typically come back to bite me and offered no benefit. For example, I used to think there was such a thing as an ideal partner and thought I found her. I depended so much on her for my happiness, I think she lost attraction for me. When she left, I was just devastated, and fell into a deep depression for a couple of years. Lesson learned: there's no perfect partner, and it's far too risky to depend on others for your needs. My girlfriend is not my therapist and shouldn't be responsible for my happiness.
isn't "cognitive distortion BS" the root reason we're all watching UA-cam videos to try to build self-awareness ? No matter our attachment style or personal history, we all have our cognitive distortions that cause problems for ourselves and others. For those who don't, it must be nice to be so damn PERFECT - please DO TELL us all your secret so we can join you on your mountaintop. ;)
@DON If we're trying to gain self awareness, then we shouldn't be making absolute proclamations like he did. Essentially he was cementing himself in the walls of his own distortions.
Nothing external can make you happy. Happiness is found within you. It's good to not be attached. You can still enjoy persons or things but be aware that its not granted. You're not entitled anything.
I am only good with casual spontaneous relationships.. whenever women want to make solid future plans i feel trapped & panic.. its a horrible condition to live with 😢💔 its cost me numerous partners...
I hope you won't take offense to this, and I understand people fall along a spectrum of avoidance with some having a more 'severe' form than others. Do you have any deep relationships such as with friends or family? I have been talking to someone for 4 months. No clue what his personality is like. Can't get a conversation out of him to save my life. I am at the point where I let him initiate because I feel like a fool trying to chat up someone who can only reply with one word answers, which I understand likely means we will talk less and less. I can't help but wonder if everyone in his life is at arm's length or is it just in the romance department? I'm sorry for your struggle. I hope you are able to work through some of those things, if that is what you desire.
@@OneDanae i wouldn’t say my other relationships are ‘deep’ but i certainly have no problem initiating relationships & cultivating new ones.. i am actually quite sociable in a ‘lone wolf’ kind of way, as i do everything alone.. i often travel to different cities on my own for a weekend break & have no trouble befriending the locals! I often get asked ‘why are you single??’ .. but its because i feel my freedom is restricted once i am in a relationship (not sexually) just i dont feel free to be truly who i am.. its very tricky.. maybe its just i haven’t met the right person yet?? X
@@stevebennett6302 Thanks for your reply. So - I think that if you haven't explored the "why" to your feeling of loss of freedom and you aren't dating people who are outright controlling it might not be due to not having met the right one. The question is why do you feel that way in the first place? I have never experienced that feeling unless I was in a relationship with someone who was actually trying to control me if that makes sense. I'm no therapist so I probably shouldn't speak on the matter at all lol. You certainly sound like an interesting person. I bet 'my' guy is too. If only I were one of his friends I might be able to see that side of him. I went through a period of avoidance (like 10 years!) after trauma. I have finally come out of it, heart is open and ready and who do I develop my first crush on? Haha! Just my luck. Geeze!
Having been raised by an emotionally distant and rejecting mother, I developed an avoidant attachment style. This is at odds with my INFJ personality. I feel all kinds of things, but was trained, by my mother, to hide my feelings (out of self-preservation).
Yeah having a revelation today, also INFJ, I honestly thought my independence was a strength... im actually finding after leaving an area due to an abusive partner, that it doesnt serve me when i'm out of my safety net and away from my individual friends that took years to nurture. Everyone that meets me where I am thinks I'm cold when in reality im such an emotional being, they just can't see it and how do I explain to people I barely know 'hey, im like this cos of xyz'. Now with my last dating experience it's just reinforced that I 'can't trust anyone' new.... but I will do the hard work, as I want something someone healthy, I want healthy normal every day relationships. I really want to trust my gut and not my fear and not run away... though tbf it did help me to reach out when I was getting abused so silver lining I guess. The thought of any man getting close to me terrifies me, yet ironically im a hopeless romantic in a self made cage 🤷♀️ maybe that's why I leapt at a 'man in shining armour' and was weak to love bombing, as they make you think wow, this person is definitely into me, I can trust his feelings, noone puts in this much effort....learning curve.
Huh, I’m also INFJ and came from a disastrous and destructive dysfunction family. I do have a fear of being too close or serious with anyone. But I also crave deep connections. It’s like I truly don’t know how to “person” IRL due to CPTSD, but as an INFJ with a background in Psychology and obsessive interests in human nature, I can wax poetic about relationships - all kinds - in theory.
Me exactly. There isn't anyone I can't live without. I can do it better for myself. I can do better on my own. The steps to fixing my style sounds like hell on earth.
There is a difference between hyper-independence or counterdependence and being independent or being able to be interdependent with others in a healthy way. A lot of self reliant independent people have healthy secure attachment styles.
OMG 🥺😭 Finally. This is it! My root! 60 yrs later. The amt of trauma, addictions and survival skills I’ve developed and experienced all come down to this!
My father was definitely the "authoritarian figure", although my mother was not. My mother was the type who would simply agree and defer to my father, no matter what he said or did. I remember him pounding his fist onto the dinner table on _many_ occasions over the _smallest_ of issues during my childhood; he definitely *wasn't* an easy person to be around! Thank you Dr. Sage, for getting me to understand why I am the way I am.
One parent is authoritative and cold/hard/ mean and the other one is chaotic/ emeshed an d has no boundaries? Is that how they were created in childhood?
This has been By Far the best explanation of how they are that I've heard in the 2.5 years I've been researching dismissive avoidant persons. I'm going to share this with my Ex who is definitely a DA (and whom I still Love very much at my core). Thank you
You're kind of describing me in a way. But I'm an "older" guy who's just given up on the whole "relationship" game because of my experiences with it. This doesn't come from my "childhood" or my teen years. I had a steady girlfriend in high school and lots of friends of both sexes during those years. I definitely wasn't isolated at all at that time. Nor was I like that in college. I was involved in special projects that even put me in a leadership role, requiring me to interact with all kinds of students effectively. I'm still "in touch" with several people I graduated from college with. But the "relationship" game, and it is a game, has just become something that has proven to not be worth it. The women I've known in that kind of a situation seem only to care about what I can offer them and have had almost no real interest in me other than that. Either I fit their fantasy or I don't, either I impress their girlfriends or I don't, either I realize how imperfect I am or I don't, either I'm a huge upgrade over their previous boyfriend or I'm not. This list could go on, but it just comes down to not being worth constantly wondering whether I've cleared the latest hurdle or not. And I simply don't want to go through all of that AGAIN. So, any time in the last 5 years or so that a woman has shown any interest in me, I shy away and just go back to my isolated, but much less stressful and less confusing life. And I guess I'm getting too old for it to really matter anymore. I do miss what might have been, but I've come to realize through experience that maybe it was never going to be that "special" part of life anyway. . .And in the end just never meant to be.
You really nailed this for me. I am so avoidant that I lost a marrriage and friends and others because of my ways. I found myself praising my mother because how I turned out. I’m just now processing this at 28. Thank you so much.
This video has helped provide such a peace of mind for me with understanding my husband! With the information you provided I feel now that I can be more understanding and compassionate towards his efforts to express emotion and engage in intimacy! Thank you Dr. Kim Sage! Your work is amazing and your knowledge is astounding! Keep doing what you doing! Your really making a difference and I I'm grateful for the difference you were able to make for me. 😊
Is it common for avoidant people to also struggle with being alone? That's my case. Can be super close, but being alone feels just as frightening as being to close.
I'm learning about it cause I'm trying to stay away from partners that are this way. I am secure and I just want a healthy relationship. I have been with both anxious and avoidant. I was able to be with both because of my security but it's really a lot of work with little pay out. So now I would just like to look for a secure partner... who is able to receive and give love easily.
I am very avoidant. I will reject anybody that starts getting close to me. It spares me the heartbreak of when the person will eventually leave me anyway. I am not the type of person people want for a friend because as soon as I feel some kind of connection, I disappear never saying a why I did. I am so self-reliant, independent, and resourceful that I have no idea how to include someone into my life. Thus, I remove the random variable and avoid the unpredictable variable, the other person, and return to my extreme self-reliance.
Wow, first this describes me in soo many ways, but watching this i just had a revelation. I think i developed this attachment style as a child because i subconsciously felt the need to balance my mother's extreme emotions. My mom has BPD and it just hit me that soo much of her rage towards me is that i am not emotionally like her in any way. She tried her very best to mold me in her image as to always have someone in her life to control. I think she has always been angry that i am totally different her, even though i needed to be if we were going to survive. My mom made it clear that there was not enough room for us to both have feelings and i took the hint but she also completely ignores any and all emotions i express unless i express them in an extreme way that she can recognize. Which made it even more confusing, i would have to translate my feelings into performative gestures for her to take them serious. I'm still struggling with understanding my emotions and knowing how to appropriately express them. Thank you soo much for this video, it's been incredibly insightful.
I will do the whole 'agonizing over the ones that got away' thing. I'm doing it right now over a recent departed partner. I think that it provides a safe space to feel the types of emotion I really wanted to feel about her, only this time in my head and after she has already gone for good. This way I can safely 'feel' and open myself up in the fantasy I create in my head, where I don't have the risk of being rejected. As a bonus, I get to kick myself when I'm down and wallow in self pity for screwing up another good thing.
This really touched me personally. 😢 100% true. Except going back to old relationships. Once I leave, I don’t ever look back because I feels safer/empowered that way. I feel desensitized from “feelings” and don’t know how to activate emotions 😞 I was raised with a cold and dismissive mother who almost dreaded spending time with us, and she’s still the same way. Thank you so much for your videos 🙏
This has been very helpful to me. It very much gave me answers to questions I have had for the last 30 years. I have been single for ten years and growing increasingly lonely as I get older. The thing is, every relationship I have had since my mid 20's has been blighted by the severe anxiety emotional connection causes me. I came to the point that I believe myself to be disqualified from relationships. For me to even consider a relationship is enough to bring on anxiety. I play with the idea in my mind and the anxiety starts. I tried internet dating for a bit, but even this brought on the anxiety. I felt a sheer terror at the idea of connection. Anxiety overwhelms me, I try and manage it, I become fatigued and end up having to finish another relationship. I gave up completely a few years back. I accepted finally that relationships just weren't for me. I get some enjoyment out of life but there is an emptiness in me. Recently, out of the blue, I agreed to date somebody from work whom I had fancied from a distance for three years. I really like her and I know that she has strong feelings for me. Within two weeks, the anxiety is as overwhelming as it has ever been. I am using different techniques to try and manage this, including vagal exercises and meditation. I am doing slightly better than previously and trying not to keep it from having too much of an impact. I am fighting to not get into push me/pull me behaviour, or to create an internal monologue that sabotages the relationship - it is true, I have terrible self-esteem and can become irritable and moody, focussing on creating or exaggerating the defects of the other person. I am trying so hard not to succumb but it is very difficult. I am away from her for a few days and I am dreading the texts that tell me she is missing me. I don't look forward to speaking with her as it just shouts 'connection' at me. I do really like her and when I am relaxed, looking at a picture of her electrifies me, but simultaneously, it generates instant, unmanageable anxiety. I just want to be able to relax and build a relationship but it is so tiring fighting to keep anxiety at bay. Anyway, I get some consolation from watching this video because it resonates. Thank you for posting it and hopefully, the advice and info can help me come out on top and bring me happiness.
William, your story is very common. Did you grow up with a caregiver who was alcoholic/ addicted or otherwise unpredictable? Or who was neurotic and relied on you for support? Have you tried or considered SSRI medication? My partner was like you in the beginning, and I want you to know that it's 100% possible for you to have a secure attachment. A big part of it will be finding the right person who understands the "ick" or "fear" factor you get. There are ladies out there (I'm one of them) who like a lot of space and don't like mushy stuff. Good luck 👍
Thank you for your testimony. I thought I was the only one who is a basket case. I went through a similar experience but somewhat with anxiety (I think). I haven't tried to actively bond another person but been mostly on analysis paralysis. Like you, I have thought of myself non compatible due to my differences in interests in my hobbies or failure at things in life like not having my own place. My problem is when or if a guy finds interests in me I want to cut it off quick at first sight. I think of thousands of excuses within myself why I'm not compatible, or they are trying to control me. Then I think of scare tactics to make them become disinterested in me of throwing in things I have interests in that maybe weird to others. Numerology is one example. Most of my 20s was just work. Anger was in there as well. I know I still have much healing to do and lots of deprogroming of protective thought patterns. Don't give up but keep pushing.
@@scarletsletter4466 i am like that and my mom was unpredictable and depended on me for support so i really want someone who can understand that but i dont know if i can find someone like that
Focus on resolving the core childhood trauma under these patterns. The anxiety is trying to lead you back into those traumas so they can be integrated. Using meditation to regulate yourself along the way is alright for coping, but if that's all you're doing, with no trauma resolution practices along side, then you're basically using meditation to suppress, and that anxiety will erupt one day.
I was dignosed as avoidant and when I listen to your description of avoidant people I feel like you're talking about me. it's nice to give a name to my character
Thank you Dr. Kim Sage! You deserve so many subscribers and I hope to see your channel grow. Watching this truly made me feel hopeful. For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me and how I show up in my relationships. After hearing you talking about brain development or lack thereof, the inability to differentiate if situations are good or bad because of being unable or having a hard time to tap into emotions, and recalling childhood memories, I FELT so SEEN. I am definitely talking about this in my upcoming therapy session!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I deeply appreciate you and your kindness in my channel's growth:). To be honest, I know I probably say this a lot, but you do deserve to been SEEN and HEARD and UNDERSTOOD! Good luck in your session!!🙏🏻💕
Oh my GAWD!!!! Did my inner world just manifest itself into physical form via this video? LOL! Fuck. This whole video was scary how accurate it described me. Even the subtle nuances. Thank you Dr. Sage for the time and effort, and your way of explaining and articulating.
I'm currently falling in love with a girl who is an avoidant. The mixed signals I'm getting are driving me up the wall. She has opened up to me about her deepest secrets and stuff that she is also afraid of sharing with her mother. I have even gone to a psychologist myself to better understand the type of person that I am in love with. The good times are great, but when something emotional happens, she completely goes into her own space, and I'm often the first person she shuts out. She has also been the victim of SA from a family member when she was a child. Unfortunately her family has never really been in the financial position to seek guidance but she also has held this in and not told her parents about it. So far, I'm the only person she has told other than her sister who was also a victim from the same family member. I have been planning on having a conversation with her about our situation and been split in my mind on how and what to say exactly. But your video has definitely given me some direction on how I need to address the situation.
You will eventually get exhausted. That's what happened with me. I understood why my guy behaves like that n tried hard to give him space n reassurances. But he eventually felt I was annoying n clingy
@@manasac3102 I've shown her this video and a couple more now. She understands herself a bit better. I'm an only child so I also struggle with partners who are clingy and space. But ye, I told her she cannot expect me to wait around forever. I know she has feelings for me, but she is scared of commitment, having been self sufficient with her emotions due to circumstances. I am getting to the end of my string in terms of waiting. It's just difficult because I do really love her.
I think the tricky thing on finding healthy partners is the people you had in life that made you this way were horrible and all you knew. So your barometer for tolerance on dysfunction in relationships is abnormally high. You KNOW this and try to over correct by raising standards higher than you’ve accepted or even others. It’s hard to discern whether the standard is unattainable or acceptable because you’ve already accepted the unacceptable for so long.
Wow this is such an interesting and accurate video. I am a recovering Dismissive Avoidant who is now primarily secure (I still have few more things to heal) and everything you said was spot on.
I'm dating a DA who is currently going through therapy and I am so appreciative that he is brave enough to take that on. You too should be commended!!! I'm curious as to how long it took you to move to secure? I'm certain everyone's journey is different and I'm in it with him no matter the length. .Just curious.
@@leahparks2466 Thank you :) I actually joined the personal development school (if you are aware about it) in June last year and first got my 50% secure score after like 5-6 months after doing the work which meant that I was primarily secure during that time but I still had underlying DA tendencies to work on but after that I have made more progress while doing the work and now I am 75-80% secure. When I started I was around 60% DA.
Wow I don't remember the first six and a half years of my life, but my first memory is my elder sister abusing me and she was a malevolent narcissist. She body shamed me and every kind of abuse. My lonely childhood years was of fear sadness, and abuse I never knew that I would be something like this but watching this video I can identify that now. The one thing that always stand out to me is that I feel utterly alone, and that I always have since childhood.😮 I have periods of sadness and I don't know why.
This is me to a T. I like being self reliant and never want to depend on others. Spot on about thinking someone will take my autonomy and I need to self soothe alone. However I’m very open and in tune with my emotional expressions and self awareness. This might be because this only started for me in adulthood, so I had some ‘normal’ years
I have this attachment style. It comes from repeated experiences of rejection and not getting my needs met in the foster care system. I had push down so much anger and any emotion really to survive and not be judged. In that system you show any emotion they label you rebellious and will try to force you to take psychotropic drugs. The foster care system is a gold mine for pharmaceutical companies to test out psychotropic drugs masked as "best interests of the child"
I'm wondering if my boyfriend and I both have these attachment styles. I almost feel like mine is a mix of anxious attached and avoidant. But I think his is all avoidant. I have ocd and he is schizoaffective. We have been together for over 2 years. I have told him I loved him multiple times but he won't say it back. I questioned him and he says he does love me but expresses it in different ways... he also has said he doesn't show his emotions because he has trouble "feeling". I'm starting to just feel alone and fantasize about what it's like to actually be loved. Before him I dated a ton of narcissists.
Thank you so much for sharing,I. You are 100 percent right my mom was emotionally unavailable teen mom and I’m dismissive avoidant now I’m suffering I never knew until I met someone worse than me 😰😰😩😩
This was my ex boyfriend we broke up because of it it was so sad to see him have this disorder and have no awareness his mom is a drug addict but he denies it and says his childhood was pretty great when I know that's not true he would constantly act clueless on his trauma or say one thing and do something totally different one. Min he would be sweet and loving and the next week he would be cold and ghosting randomly it was like he was a totally different person and I never knew who I was dealing with or how he really felt he would keep stuff to his self and then dump me then he would blame me for not wanting to deal with him anymore he would sabotage the relationship and then say I deserved it I was so confused and hurt for a very long time until I learned about attachment styles and dismissive avoidant disorder I wish I would have known he was an avoidant earlier but you live and you learn
@Rise Phoenix Pop Culture - thank you for sharing - a lot of what you said to me makes sense , I believe that regardless how I show him love or how much I tell him he still questions if it’s real & when we have an issue to handle & clear up he retreats & goes silent which to me makes me think that he sees love as a burden & not worth the effort & the silence makes me feel punished, abandoned & abused emotionally
My mom didn’t have affectionate parents. In fact, from about five years old, my grandmother would send my mom to live with other families to help with various chores and such. My grandmother would come by monthly to collect the pay but that was it. She often moved my mom from one home to another if she found more lucrative opportunities. Consequently, my mom suffered disassociation from a very young age. As a parent, she didn’t know how to show affection, so my sisters and I also learned to disassociate, especially since our father was abusive too. Now, my mom is VERY affectionate with us, and has shown us that being affectionate is safe. Anytime we see each other - even though we all live within at most 15 minutes away - we hug each other every time we see each other and before we leave. We kiss our mom on the cheek, and anytime we interact, we say “I love you”. That’s whether we are in person, by phone or even through texts.
For me it was pretty hard to build emotional memories because I was in fight or flight a lot of the time. Good things would happen but I didnt pay attention because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
@@DrKimSage also i wanted to thank you for recommending "understanding the borderline mother" in your videos. It helped me look at my childhood in a different way. I think I still have a long process ahead of me, but you've definitely helped in the first steps.
Could also be disorganized attachment. In some areas you can rely on your caregivers; but sometimes they turn into 'unrelyable' caregivers cause of their substance abuse which is interpreted as danger for a child. So you got the close-distant-dynamic.
Goodness this has described my husband, I recently lost my mom suddenly right before Christmas in 2021. Everything changed it was like the more I needed him emotionally the angrier he got with me. Love your name btw ! It’s my daughter’s name but flipped flopped lol
Don’t try to fix anybody. You gonna get hurt unless they have said to you that they need your help on that. The push and pull is very toxic you won’t know at the beginning until you catch feeling. RUN…..
Thank you Dr. Sage I'm soon to be 75 and have often wondered why or who I am. You have perfectly explained my life. Thank you for your this defining session! You have a new subscriber. Thank You!
So. I've listened to a -lot- of these style of videos. You're one of the only ones that not only avoided the pop-psychology, accurately pegged several issues I'd been wondering about myself, and gave me several avenues to look into work to do. 10/10. Thank you for not only being professional in your manner of speech, and explaining your points and advice clearly. Well made and done. You -literally- had me shout and felt called out to a point.
This is my partner you described him exactly - I often feel he hates me instead of loves me , he makes it nearly impossible to love him & I can’t love him out of this or fix him & he refuses therapy
I’ve heard it said that those who are the most unlovable need love the most. Describes my father and husband but I don’t think I can do it anymore. 😫My father has passed (full of regret and sadness but detached with the stiff upper lip til the end) My husband while not a bad person is detached and aloof. During family gatherings he usually leaves the room to watch TV downstairs choosing as little engagement as possible. Don’t see him ever changing but fortunately I had a loving mom and my kids are who I live for ! Oh, yes I got a pup that has become an amazing companion! 🥰
In my experience, ’s like vulnerability seems dirty . It’s sad and frustrating. But also in many ways I feel like a highly emotionally intelligent person, ? but I’m definitely stuck in a hole in this way.
Agree, I don't sense it as a fear of vulnerability or intimacy it's more like the emotion of disgust at the thought of being emotionally fluent with another.
Both me and my ex-wife have this style. In general men are less emotional than woman. There is nothing wrong to have this style if you're happy with it. For me personally next time I will look for a more emotional mature and available partner since I learned that fits me better. 😊
The thing about not asking for help and then getting very upset of not getting help from others were a very big problem for me in the first semester of my education and resulted in me not learning a lot of basic concepts which has come back to bite me repeatedly during my education. But I have persisted, though my education has been prolonged with a year, and I am now in the last semester and look to finish my education by Summer.
There’s like a 7 year gap in my memory from 5-12 and I only have a few memories. I was homeschooled and my parents didn’t like the neighbors kids so I remember looking out the window at them sad knowing I’d get punished if I played with them. I remember a moment after on of their punishments that I realized that I could discard my emotions and enter a sorta zombie mode where nothing would hurt. Can’t feel hatred or anger towards them if you discard your capacity for any emotions. And also there was this giant shed we had and I realized that the only place I could get away from their shouting was to be away from everyone. I didn’t get my first friend until senior year of hs in 2019 but in 2020 the pandemic hit and I still haven’t figured out how to fix it
Alone in love, that sounds exactly what it feels like. I feel less alone by myself by far. I may be becoming avoidant now, Its very difficult to be in an impossible relationship. I have zero desire to try and fix anyone but myself. My attachment style is secure but its very difficult to have or sustain an attachment to someone who refuses to be their real self or is avoidant. And then there’s the person who is rich and treats themselves really well and makes it obvious they are but makes a purpose of treating you like a bag of crap year after year for whatever reasons beyond my brain’s comprehension.or one’s who cant go five minutes without causing negative drama which gives me brain damage while they find it funny. I find it exhausting to be around. People come with an awful lot of baggage, and if they don’t fix it who will? Its like trying to be in grown up relationships with two year olds. I don’t want to be a grown man’s mother nor do I like role playing of any kind. I like normalcy. I find it difficult to trust people who aren’t being their genuine self and its next to impossible to know someone’s true intentions toward you without that.
It would make sense cause now your parent is treating you like a avoidant. That sucks because you may meet someone next who loves you and you may have trouble showing love due to rejection . Meaning your boyfriend is your parent now
I try to process my thoughts as I watch this video, I mostly feel happy and light and grateful and I just pray... that the past doesn't get in the way of my happiness... and that all my stresses don't overwhelm me... and... there's a person I want... I want them to want me, just as I am. I pray for true love...
Now remember there is a reason they are called styles, not just damaged goods. Its ok to not be needy. Its ok to be strong, and enjoy solitude. It just means you probably shouldn't have kids or for your partner to realize you 'gone fishing'!
Man I been Anxious Attachment. I’ve been Fearful-Avoidant. Now I’m dismissive and trying to fix it. I take Lexapro now and I genuinely enjoy my singlehood but I know I want marriage and family someday.
I'm a very independent woman, have never been married, live alone and know how to fix-repair-create and usually believe that the only way something can be done well is by doing it myself. Although, I truly hope to find love, I'm sure I could be a great partner.
It’s sad when someone can’t “connect” emotionally. My mother never attached to me and I’m sure never will. She is so poor that she cannot give what is free.
I relate to a lot of this and I do have an avoidant attachment style but I have no issue recalling emotional neglect in childhood and discussing it openly. I’m a psychiatric RN and I’m very self aware. I self reflect deeply and emotionally communicate with my partner but I do have that fear of them encroaching on my independence and autonomy. If I feel this is happening I tend to back away.
Kim, I stumbled upon your channel by accident and I have to say while watching this video, something in me healed. I myself am more of an anxious attachment style (maybe even accompanied by avoidant tendencies) and a lot of my friendships as well as romantic relationships include avoidant partners/friends. I never really saw a connection as to why it always happens to me. it makes so much sense now. This video especially made me understand the patterns of a current love interest. I watched numerous videos on attachment styles because it's such an interesting topic but it seems like you really got through to me. It seems like I got it after months of trying to understand myself and the people I tend to draw into my life. choosing avoidant people because I can't have them goes all the way back to my avoidant mother with whom I lived until I was 18 and my anxiously attached father who I am in touch with. Thank you for helping us with your brilliant videos, Kim.
Ok so I am halfway in and I can already tell that this video is a good way for women to blame all their relationship problems on some disorder. When in reality he is probably just fed up with your bullshit. But too scared to leave.
Hm.. turns out that I am avoidant, but it is absolutely not true that I do not understand the feelings of others. On the contrary, I am very emphatic and feel the feelings of others. But that‘s exhausting, so it is true that I pull away after a few hours spent with friends. The only persons I can spend 24/24 hours with are my closest family( except my mother😂) and my boyfriend… the best about being avoidant is the amazing clarity and independence , and that they give people space to be really themselves . I wonder who the best match for the avoidant is.. for me is a calm, warm, confident man who does not give up easily on me. That’s when I trust him enough to warm up. 😊 it has worked well so far, but now I want to work on my self and go out more, be more around people and show more affection. Wish me luck ☺️
From my own experience as an avoidant, yeah. My first relationship after I broke it off I automatically blocked them and erased them from everything and when I saw them again I just ignored them, acted like I never knew them in my life. I never really processed my feelings afterwards and avoided it. All that I ever thought was just getting out of that relationship cause it was too much for me to have another person in my life and I was disgusted of them showing affection/intimacy for me.
Oh my Lord the first few minutes! Eureeka! All this as far as relationships sounds just like me but, after my 2nd husband crushed my heart by having an affair After 12 years that i thought and he admitted were happy. I dated some but, i realized i don't have the heart to even attempt it again.
I feel like the very rare person content to be dismissive avoidant, I’ve always been repelled by intimacy and affection because I have mild autism but really act like a bad stereotype socially. I think having that kind of personality is strongly genetic to one side of my family in general from what I know of the members on it. I’m willing to be open and blunt to friends but I’m just not loving an affectionate, I’m like a pet snake that just kind of enjoys people’s presence but doesn’t really go deeper. I hear too many horror stories about romance and see nothing I’d get out of it so it’s not even on the radar because it just seems like a liability to me. But I also tend to be a laughably rational and serious “engineer brained” person in general, and I’m not using that term as a compliment there lol Though I definitely had a dismissive mother (and generally got socially rejected in grade school) despite her otherwise being about the best parent I could have. I still don’t tell her about most of my interests or feelings because of that and I only tell her about things she’ll approve of basically. But that’s something I can generally move beyond in other relationships/settings if I sense people won’t call me weird or cringe or focused on stupid things.
I ended up avoiding any relationships outside of a work situation, plus when I took chances opening up very early on I got burned ,which made my lack of trust even worse . I never get why people have kids if they just beat on them ? Its all very sad .
But I don't feel comfortable expressing emotions, especially positive ones. They're embarrassing. Excitement almost doesn't exist. I just expect things to go well and smoothly, and get irritated when they don't. I don't see why people shouldn't expect things to just be smooth. Some jerk cuts you off? He shouldn't have. It was easy not to. Therefore it's very irritating that he did. They drive well? Of course they did. They're expected to. No cookies for not endangering people. Solutions should be processed intellectually. How you feel about how healthy food is, or if smoking is bad for you, or if you've lied to someone isn't relevant. The facts are the facts, and you should be grown up enough to just handle them as they really are.
i want to apologize to him for being so emotionally unavailable during our 2.5 year relationship but i feel like thatll be wayy more damaging to the both of us. he deserved so much better than what i was giving, especially w physical intimacy bcs i flat out just didn't feel like i could become that vulnerable again ☹☹
I am breaking this cycle, in my mid-30s. What started my healing process was catching a few moments with a few strangers (younger women) abilities to see my discomfort. It has opened me to expressing my buried emotions and making me learn to cope with them properly. I currently think I will not be able to relate to someone romantically, so I ponder more on how to empower people at my level from my solitude.
I'm hoping I can change. Learn how to feel MY emotions again, because I have empathy and love and compassion. I do want to talk about the childhood stuff with my people. I want to have more than 2 people that I'm close with in my life
When you’re so avoidant that you don’t even want to reach out to a therapist because you don’t trust them 🤨
I can relate to that.
They’re all woke feminists
Be indifferent about the therapist idea
@@baalzebub5000 better than sleeping mysogynists
i ❤ peer support
If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
I can definitely identify with this. Does anyone else feel the same?
Wow !!!!! My goodness how do you know my life and yes gym addict actually watching this video as I run on the treadmill I’m a mother and my body looks childless had an eating disorder undiagnosed now I’m just obsess with counting calories and working out and everything else you mentioned I’m floored
@@themoonbleu627 I’m sorry you can relate. I have had similar issues. I don’t want to go into detail here but you’re not alone. The obsession with self-improvement is definitely linked to avoidant attachment, I’m convinced. It’s the over-focus on the self to avoid connecting too deeply with others, and trying to avoid being seen as “damaged” at the same time that fuels the pseudo-heathy numbing behaviors.
Great post. Was there a point in your life where you felt safe with someone?
I really tried to provide a safe haven where she was accepted for who she was and complemented for her strenght while not blamed for her faults. But it was a neverending struggle where she unknowningly kept moving the goalpost
@@onnol917 Thanks. I did have one serious relationship in my life where I felt like I could let down most of my walls. They did all they could to make me feel safe. The reason it didn't work out is because, unfortunately, the basis of the relationship was unknowingly rooted in my avoidance from the start and was never safe enough. While they could show up for me on an emotional and mental level, we were worlds apart in all practical matters. It was never going to last. I didn't recognize it at the time, but safety is more than just being able to open up and be yourself with someone. That's ONE element of safety in a relationship, but that's not all we need for a healthy relationship. They couldn't provide a sense of safety by having a stable, grounded career. Their finances were messy. And so was their home life. Think about how that mirrors the chaos and lack a lot of avoidant people come from. You can have loving, well-meaning family who never have their lives together and leave you confused, isolated, and under-cared for.
I think I recognized, at some level, this could be an issue from the start. But I chose to ignore it and try to work around it, even waiting for them to adjust things to meet my needs. But it never happened, and so I left. Avoidants are just as likely as anxiously attached people to fall for potential, because that way, you can blame it on the other person or circumstances vs. risking deeper intimacy, rejection, and loss. I would say your ex-partner 'moving the goal posts' sounds like someone recognizing that their needs are not getting met, because they ignored red flags from the start and are now bringing them up to give themselves an exit, or to test you to see if they can actually continue to move forward and allow deeper intimacy. It's incredibly unhealthy for both people involved. I'm not a psychologist but if I had to guess, your ex-partner was probably on the fearful vs. dismissive side of avoidance.
Fck.
I’m most relaxed and at peace when I’m alone.
"you could play by yourself for hours, you were such an independent child." I always thought it was a compliment, now I see it isn't. I have a long journey ahead of me. Thanks for the videos
Look how avoidant children react during the strange situation experiment, basically a child plays in a room near the mother. Suddenly the mother disappears from the room and a stranger enters the room. The secure reaction should be crying "where is my mom, I need protection". But avoidant children don't cry and continue to play because they already know nobody will support them emotionally.
I hear you, I’m just finding out about it attachment styles a year after my ex was already fed up with me “not figuring it out”, and “not being like her friends’ boyfriends.” A day late and a dollar short, the ONE person I was actually starting to open up with and become comfortable hand holding with. Extra long hugs were her thing, which I dislike, but loved every second when it was with her. Don’t give up on your journey personal growth, you’re worth the effort, and I want my DA fam to win. I’m retired from service, that last L was a doozy. Took me a year and a half of sobriety and therapy to get by. But that yearning for love and romance is definitely extinguished, I felt it for sure.
I grew up in a household full of chaos. I found relief by not asking for anything. I would walk to school during snowstorms to avoid a ride by a parent. Anything and everything to avoid rocking the boat. This carried over into my professional and personal life in unimaginable ways. Self destruction and impossible for me to reach out. Won't bore you all further.
It wasn’t boring at all. I can really empathize with that and relate. Different details but same feelings.
Damn I'm 70 years old and you just finished describing my life. Thank you
❤
I also have a fear of impending doom when a relationship gets more "serious" I feel as though something is expected from me, and the closeness and being able to trust another person is the most life threatening feeling, even the thought of marriage or partnerships makes me question the person in my mind repeatedly and if their feelings are "real", its so hard to explain in words what I go through.
I am happiest when I am alone and Independent, I don't like to rely on anyone for my emotional well-being, financial or anything else. I have always self soothed, self financed, self loved and self everything, I am the hermit but also very social when I want to be but others even friendships I can't get too close, I always have to create a distance real or imagined
it's so true how scary that kind of vulnerability can be, and our tendency to self protect can be so strong🙏🏻
Omg. You put everything in words!! It really sucks being like this, but I hope to make more breakthroughs..
This was exactly how I felt when I ran away from the literally perfect man. Not my BPD talking, he was so genuine and honest with me, we could communicate openly and I felt so understood and heard with him and in turn I could focus on him when he had anything to say. But I remember seeing this adoration in his eyes, and I just....stopped. stopped texting back. Stopped talking. Avoided him at work. I just...ghosted him. Because I didnt know what to do, it was so frightening.
WOW. It’s been 8 months of no contact. I knew she had some personality as style that prevented her from showing emotions. Her behavior was narcissistic in how she treated me. After her discard of me like trash I researched the videos on the various types of personality attachment styles and narcissism. Too many things led to believe she may be a narcissist. That’s why I did no contact. I didn’t want to do this but I felt I had to in order to survive and heal. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I saw the good and kind person inside her. I thought she may change. I couldn’t change. She has to do it herself. When someone tells you (over the phone, not in person) she has no feelings for me. We were more than friends. We were intimate. But there wasn’t any intimacy really. I felt no emotions from her. I tried to get to give me some feelings but that was a mistake. I crossed the line. Feelings and intimacy made her uncomfortable. Sex is easy but intimacy is difficult for her. I had no other choice but to let her go. I wasn’t able to give her the passion she was asking for. I feel there may have been some guy in the picture that was filling her needs. She was cold, no remorse in her voice when she discarded me. It seemed that she was relieved telling me. Her behavior up to discarding me was abusive. Yet she wanted to remain friends. So so confusing. I was sick and she wasn’t around. No concern. Just annoyed, bored, and angry with me. In my heart I felt she decided to get rid of me. I meant nothing to her. All this time with her was all an illusion. Even her emotions were fake. Whether she was a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, avoidant attachment style, it didn’t matter. Her behavior towards me was abusive. She was a toxic person, selfish, spoiled and lacked empathy. I feel I did the right thing to walk away from her. She never made any attempts to contact me. She has moved on. Your story sounds so familiar. My ex is very much like you. Relationships are tough. Commitment is tough. I cared for my ex. As I got close to her, she would pull away. The problem in the relationship was that there wasn’t any communication. I told her in the beginning that we need to talk to each other if something is bothering us. Don’t let it fester. I believe in working things out if you truly care about the person. I am so sorry for you. But your story has helped me understand better what a person like you and my ex is experiencing. I feel your pain, your agony. Pray to God. Prayer and meditation has helped me to heal. I’m not there yet but I am healing. I am ok. I am safe. I am loved. I pray to God that you find peace within yourself. 🙏🌹😊
This is me too
I’m avoidant n I get actual panic attacks by reading messages like “I want to get to know you better” “can’t stop thinking of you” it makes me feel like I’m drowning in cement n the only way out is to end it… I wish counselling was cheaper because I’m getting worse as I’m getting older n don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s a no win situation when you can’t afford the help you so desperately need.
Leah McLane: A more affordable option until you can afford therapy might be Thais Gibson's Personal Development School. Hope that helps.
@@bellabong8862 thank you so much honey xox
Damn.. guy I dated was an avoidant. And the more I felt he was taking space fm me whenever some emotional connection happened, I used to send him similar messages coz I looked forward to more fulfilling connection, but he pulled further back. That frustrated me a lot
@@manasac3102 I can promise it was everything to do with him and nothing to do with you!! It’s a real mind bender for you poor people who date is avoidants
Without therapy and actively working to reparent yourself and heal your wounds and trauma, you will end up alone.
Have been with my wife for 11years and never realised I had this issue until she said she's out and wants to go it alone with our 2 kids. She has anxious attachment and every couple of years or so there will be an outburst at me for not being more emotionally present and intimate, for disregarding her feelings, for constantly finding activities to avoid our relationship (gardening, renovations, fantasy footy blah blah blah) etc. etc. Somehow we get over it and it all goes back to being the same as before, the cycle resets. I feel sick knowing I've had these issues for all this time and never realised. This has potentially destroyed my life, stripped me of the one person I love most and my 2 kids. They should teach this stuff in school! I now realise I have this problem and am committed to changing and already feel like a different man but she feels emotionally burnt out and doesn't know if she can go again.
I am so sorry - you are not alone and sadly, so many adults had no idea that they were more avoidant because it was how they survived their childhood. I am so proud of you for recognizing it and I am hopeful you can heal in your relationship with your wife. It matters for your kids too - they need us to be emotionally present so no matter what happens, your healing still changes the lives of those you love. Sending so much support!!!:)
Ouch. I’m so sorry for your struggle and pain. I’m really happy to read this from a male perspective, as my hubby has been molded in this way as well. Like you, he loves me so much and doesn’t want to have a hurtful cycle. But it’s been years and years and it is so hard for me to stay wise and patient. I’m proud of you for being committed to change!! Stay uncomfortable, you can definitely do this.
Im in this same boat right now. Been with my wife for the past 8 years. Never aknowledging my problems till now. We have 4 kids and a busy house. But I love my wife. But ive also not been faithful to my marriage or respectful in a sense. No physical cheating but I flirted and deleted messages . So I understand my journey more now than ever before.
Literally the same cycle story on my end brother. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share.
Ok, so 8 or 9 months in, doing research, seeing a psych etc. and I've realised attachment theory isn't probably the best explanation for what went wrong. I've learnt that she most probably has undiagnosed BPD and that there was probably nothing I could have done or not done to save my marriage. I found a therapist that does UA-cam videos called AJ Mahari and she has really helped explain things. I was way too harsh on myself, reading my original post here is a bit cringe now. The depression, the drinking, the devaluation/rejection, criticism/blame, splitting, self identity issues, issues with her mum, childhood trauma, abandonment... they all point to BPD. You can be the most perfect husband and someone suffering from BPD symptoms will still devalue, reject and abandon. To some degree I feel sorry for her, it's not her fault, but at the same time she has caused me so much pain and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's just all incredibly sad and tragic.
I cant thank you enough for putting the time an effort into giving us this life changing stuff for free. It gives me enough to think, hell yeah therapy is worth it for me.
💕Love hearing that it might open you to therapy - thank you for sharing!🙏🏻🙏🏻
The avoidant style you are explaining describes me. My last relationship that I was in and out of for 6 years was not healthy for both of us. To top it off I am gay and due to my Christian upbringing and beliefs about homosexuality I also had the added guilt, shame and anxiety around sex. Plus, ocd! So not only was I avoidant I rarely wanted to have intimacy and sex with my boyfriend to avoid how I would feel afterwards. He was wise to leave. My Father was emotionally unavailable and my mother used her children to get more of her emotional needs met. I was her confidant. Her and I were definitely enmeshed. I am once again in counseling and committed this time. Because I want to have healthy relationships in the future. Currently living out of my van, no friends, no stable income and refusing to fall back on my parents for support like I have my entire adult life. Thankfully I am sober from cannabis, 3 weeks now. One day at a time!
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. Congrats on staying sober! Keep going!
Try AA or NA, it changed my life. You might think your issues are serious enough but that’s a common thought. It’s an amazing community of friends and support. Once you get involved in it, you will be astonished. I’ve lived cars and and the streets and now I’m 3 years sober and my is more fulfilled than I could ever dream of. You just gotta keep working on yourself and growing
As a secure who dated an avoidant, I can say it hurts everyone. I was an amazing girlfriend to this person. He made me feel lonely and neglected constantly in the relationship. I took his avoidance as incredibly selfish and aloof. None of my needs were met at all and even though I had other men interested in me I was deeply loyal and he wouldn't even sleep with me. My self-esteem was destroyed by this person and even 2 years later I'm still recovering from that treatment. He would avoid seeing me for 2-3 weeks at a time. In the end of our 3 year relationship I broke it off with him even though i loved him. To this day i don't think he will ever understand the potential we had and what he destroyed. I feel truly sad for him.
None of your ‘needs were met at all’ but you stuck around for 3 years?
Probably some were as something had the person stick around. Maybe things started off good but then deteriorated. Also a "secure" person can become "insecure/anxious" in certain relationships. And then tends to stick around even when things go bad :/
@@Chaz_NFQ You obviously don't understand the subtle subconscious manipulations that occur in these relationships
It’s been one year and I’m about to end it. I had no idea this disorder existed. This was the most unfulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s so sad because I really love this person, but I just cannot do this to myself anymore. I feel so sorry for him.
@@ramblingrahema2125 this is exactly what happened. First year was good. By the middle he made me anxious. He kept saying that things will go back to how they were at the start and to "give him the benefit of the doubt" I gave him that for 2 years. I know it's too long but he kept making me believe that the good times would come back.
Amazing explanation. I feel like I can finally pinpoint it. It’s really exhausting because it’s never my intention to hurt my significant other but once the relationship “plateaus” and is out of the honeymoon phase, it becomes too real for me. That’s the point where I welcome cheating, flirting, or just leaving. I feel really shitty about destroying these men though so I find myself here trying to heal from this. Even in friendships, I find myself annoyed if the relationship becomes too high maintenance for me. Definitely subscribed!
People term such persons as a hoe
@@Anonymous-je9rc I’m aware. And people commenting ugly things to strangers anonymously are termed a pussy.
You’re gorgeous!
This style also develops from an emeshed mother and distant father. It's not always from neglect. It leads to codependence not independence. Many avoidants have this but it's not talked about a lot.
Absolutely.
Well I have a mother who’s a covert narcissist & never truly tried to be a normal functioning adult to handle life on her own and raise her kids with structure. So she always told me all her business, rant to me, trauma dumped to me, wants my advice/support, and just told me things a child should’ve not been caught up in.
I had to be the mediator while my needs went met, rejected, and ignored. Sometimes I have had a bit of hostility towards me because I voice my pain or problems or want a supportive parent, I get rejected.
Second, I had a distant father who was sexist, a criminal, had other children, and he was never there for me like that. We had a distant relationship altogether & he would act misogynistic as well.
Just a really toxic dude, he died when I was 19 unfortunately he was already dead to me. I moved on quickly.
I was never provided for all that well, and became distant, isolate, and hyper-independence. I became severely independent not co-dependent. I have a low tolerance span for people who carry traits like my family members, if I see any signs of that I ghost asap. I don’t trust a lot of people easily. I was always raising up myself, my mother, half sibling , and want my peace to myself tbh.
💯💯. He is classic DA whos fsther abandoned him when he was a kid. And a chronically ill mother who was intrusive and overbearing, always needed caretaking. He became her pseudo husband in a sense. Too much enmeshment. I found it sadly gross and there were 0 boundaries.
What about the inverse?
As someone with this attachment style, I completely agree with the fact that it develops from parents, but I also want to argue that it solidifies by getting reinforced by people outside of your immediate family. I remember that I was vulnerable with others when I was younger, but repeated rejection or getting too involved and then being hurt has solidified this attachment style to the point where even deep friendships are intimidating.
For the most part, they reflect what you believed yourself all this time. Plus you're focusing on it to prove yourself right.
If you decide to allow yourself to be vulnerable, present, and connected, others will more often (most of the time) also 'allow' you to be.
This video taught me so much. I’m an anxious attached person and I’ve been so screwed up over a breakup with an avoidant. Just being able to further understand him, and in doing so, empathize with the terrible things he’s done to me (without being able to explain why), I can finally feel some peace of mind. Thank you so much!!!
Same 😥
Same , devastated 💔
Same, now I don't feel anger and frustration for the way he treated me, now I feel compassion.
OH MY GOODNESS!! You helped me more in the first 5 minutes of your video than any therapist has helped me in 35 years. WOW if that doesn't describe my mother to a T, my second ex-husband would also love to hear that there is a name for the way I act. If I told him once I told him a thousand times..."I am a big girl, I can do it myself, I don't need your help" Yes, it became a problem Hence the status "Second ex-husband"
I play a videogame. Skyrim.
in the game you can get married.
to have a helper.
I couldn't even do that in a game
couldn't decide which character is safe or best.
cant choose.
heavy decisions
Oml that is hilarious! 😂😂😂
SO THIS IS WHY I DRINK SO MUCH. But seriously though, I'm so happy I found this video because I'm really realizing how much being avoidant has ruined my friendships
Wow- this describes me almost perfectly (except that I long ago stopped thinking there was such a thing as an ideal partner). You say to "lean in to the emotions with other people", but that's the problem...I can't really do that. I'm detached from my own, so also with others. It's like saying "the answer is to stop being avoidant". I think this is compounded by being a man, where it feels very "weak" or "vulnerable" to be anything but stoic. The times where I have expressed my emotions, it's typically come back to bite me and offered no benefit. For example, I used to think there was such a thing as an ideal partner and thought I found her. I depended so much on her for my happiness, I think she lost attraction for me. When she left, I was just devastated, and fell into a deep depression for a couple of years. Lesson learned: there's no perfect partner, and it's far too risky to depend on others for your needs. My girlfriend is not my therapist and shouldn't be responsible for my happiness.
You DO realize that everything you said is a bunch of cognitive distortion BS, right?
isn't "cognitive distortion BS" the root reason we're all watching UA-cam videos to try to build self-awareness ? No matter our attachment style or personal history, we all have our cognitive distortions that cause problems for ourselves and others. For those who don't, it must be nice to be so damn PERFECT - please DO TELL us all your secret so we can join you on your mountaintop. ;)
@DON If we're trying to gain self awareness, then we shouldn't be making absolute proclamations like he did. Essentially he was cementing himself in the walls of his own distortions.
Before my husband married me, he could have easily written this. We're deeply in love now, but still have our issues. You don't have to be alone!
Nothing external can make you happy. Happiness is found within you.
It's good to not be attached. You can still enjoy persons or things but be aware that its not granted. You're not entitled anything.
I am only good with casual spontaneous relationships.. whenever women want to make solid future plans i feel trapped & panic.. its a horrible condition to live with 😢💔 its cost me numerous partners...
I hope you won't take offense to this, and I understand people fall along a spectrum of avoidance with some having a more 'severe' form than others. Do you have any deep relationships such as with friends or family? I have been talking to someone for 4 months. No clue what his personality is like. Can't get a conversation out of him to save my life. I am at the point where I let him initiate because I feel like a fool trying to chat up someone who can only reply with one word answers, which I understand likely means we will talk less and less. I can't help but wonder if everyone in his life is at arm's length or is it just in the romance department? I'm sorry for your struggle. I hope you are able to work through some of those things, if that is what you desire.
@@OneDanae i wouldn’t say my other relationships are ‘deep’ but i certainly have no problem initiating relationships & cultivating new ones.. i am actually quite sociable in a ‘lone wolf’ kind of way, as i do everything alone.. i often travel to different cities on my own for a weekend break & have no trouble befriending the locals! I often get asked ‘why are you single??’ .. but its because i feel my freedom is restricted once i am in a relationship (not sexually) just i dont feel free to be truly who i am.. its very tricky.. maybe its just i haven’t met the right person yet?? X
@@stevebennett6302 Thanks for your reply. So - I think that if you haven't explored the "why" to your feeling of loss of freedom and you aren't dating people who are outright controlling it might not be due to not having met the right one. The question is why do you feel that way in the first place? I have never experienced that feeling unless I was in a relationship with someone who was actually trying to control me if that makes sense. I'm no therapist so I probably shouldn't speak on the matter at all lol. You certainly sound like an interesting person. I bet 'my' guy is too. If only I were one of his friends I might be able to see that side of him. I went through a period of avoidance (like 10 years!) after trauma. I have finally come out of it, heart is open and ready and who do I develop my first crush on? Haha! Just my luck. Geeze!
Having been raised by an emotionally distant and rejecting mother, I developed an avoidant attachment style. This is at odds with my INFJ personality. I feel all kinds of things, but was trained, by my mother, to hide my feelings (out of self-preservation).
I relate to this so deeply. We’re doing the work..we’ll get there friend x
Wow. I get it. Even my Dad trained that into me and he was the less overtly abusive one. I still can’t get over how broken I feel about h-nm
Same.
Yeah having a revelation today, also INFJ, I honestly thought my independence was a strength... im actually finding after leaving an area due to an abusive partner, that it doesnt serve me when i'm out of my safety net and away from my individual friends that took years to nurture. Everyone that meets me where I am thinks I'm cold when in reality im such an emotional being, they just can't see it and how do I explain to people I barely know 'hey, im like this cos of xyz'. Now with my last dating experience it's just reinforced that I 'can't trust anyone' new.... but I will do the hard work, as I want something someone healthy, I want healthy normal every day relationships. I really want to trust my gut and not my fear and not run away... though tbf it did help me to reach out when I was getting abused so silver lining I guess. The thought of any man getting close to me terrifies me, yet ironically im a hopeless romantic in a self made cage 🤷♀️ maybe that's why I leapt at a 'man in shining armour' and was weak to love bombing, as they make you think wow, this person is definitely into me, I can trust his feelings, noone puts in this much effort....learning curve.
Huh, I’m also INFJ and came from a disastrous and destructive dysfunction family. I do have a fear of being too close or serious with anyone. But I also crave deep connections. It’s like I truly don’t know how to “person” IRL due to CPTSD, but as an INFJ with a background in Psychology and obsessive interests in human nature, I can wax poetic about relationships - all kinds - in theory.
Me exactly. There isn't anyone I can't live without. I can do it better for myself. I can do better on my own. The steps to fixing my style sounds like hell on earth.
I have Avoidant Attachment Style because I’m very independent and self-reliant.
There is a difference between hyper-independence or counterdependence and being independent or being able to be interdependent with others in a healthy way. A lot of self reliant independent people have healthy secure attachment styles.
OMG 🥺😭 Finally. This is it! My root! 60 yrs later. The amt of trauma, addictions and survival skills I’ve developed and experienced all come down to this!
I had this aha moment just a couple days ago. Now comes the hard work….how can I get better. 58yo
My father was definitely the "authoritarian figure", although my mother was not. My mother was the type who would simply agree and defer to my father, no matter what he said or did. I remember him pounding his fist onto the dinner table on _many_ occasions over the _smallest_ of issues during my childhood; he definitely *wasn't* an easy person to be around! Thank you Dr. Sage, for getting me to understand why I am the way I am.
Opposite. Mom was the authoritarian and dad barely spoke.
One parent is authoritative and cold/hard/ mean and the other one is chaotic/ emeshed an d has no boundaries? Is that how they were created in childhood?
do we have the same dad ?
Same here.
My father did that as well sometimes. Not that often really but it obviously left an impression on me. But generally he was just cold and angry.
This has been By Far the best explanation of how they are that I've heard in the 2.5 years I've been researching dismissive avoidant persons. I'm going to share this with my Ex who is definitely a DA (and whom I still Love very much at my core). Thank you
This entire podcast describes me,
my childhood and adulthood in a way that I can understand who I am.
Thank you.
Kim, as a therapist and someone who can identify wholeheartedly, you are absolutely fantastic!!! Best therapist I have seen on here. TY
You're kind of describing me in a way. But I'm an "older" guy who's just given up on the whole "relationship" game because of my experiences with it. This doesn't come from my "childhood" or my teen years. I had a steady girlfriend in high school and lots of friends of both sexes during those years. I definitely wasn't isolated at all at that time. Nor was I like that in college. I was involved in special projects that even put me in a leadership role, requiring me to interact with all kinds of students effectively. I'm still "in touch" with several people I graduated from college with. But the "relationship" game, and it is a game, has just become something that has proven to not be worth it. The women I've known in that kind of a situation seem only to care about what I can offer them and have had almost no real interest in me other than that. Either I fit their fantasy or I don't, either I impress their girlfriends or I don't, either I realize how imperfect I am or I don't, either I'm a huge upgrade over their previous boyfriend or I'm not. This list could go on, but it just comes down to not being worth constantly wondering whether I've cleared the latest hurdle or not. And I simply don't want to go through all of that AGAIN. So, any time in the last 5 years or so that a woman has shown any interest in me, I shy away and just go back to my isolated, but much less stressful and less confusing life. And I guess I'm getting too old for it to really matter anymore. I do miss what might have been, but I've come to realize through experience that maybe it was never going to be that "special" part of life anyway. . .And in the end just never meant to be.
You really nailed this for me. I am so avoidant that I lost a marrriage and friends and others because of my ways. I found myself praising my mother because how I turned out. I’m just now processing this at 28. Thank you so much.
Ironically your mum did not do a good job, thats why you are avoidant. Do the work, break the generational trauma. Good luck
This video has helped provide such a peace of mind for me with understanding my husband! With the information you provided I feel now that I can be more understanding and compassionate towards his efforts to express emotion and engage in intimacy! Thank you Dr. Kim Sage! Your work is amazing and your knowledge is astounding! Keep doing what you doing! Your really making a difference and I I'm grateful for the difference you were able to make for me. 😊
I somehow missed this - thank you so much for watching and for taking time to share feedback!💕🙏🏻💕
Is it common for avoidant people to also struggle with being alone? That's my case. Can be super close, but being alone feels just as frightening as being to close.
That's called disorganised attachment
This is 110% accurate. I’m actually having these “Aha” moment. Thinking over feeling. It makes sense. Thank you. Much love from South Africa 🇿🇦
I'm learning about it cause I'm trying to stay away from partners that are this way. I am secure and I just want a healthy relationship. I have been with both anxious and avoidant. I was able to be with both because of my security but it's really a lot of work with little pay out. So now I would just like to look for a secure partner... who is able to receive and give love easily.
I am very avoidant. I will reject anybody that starts getting close to me. It spares me the heartbreak of when the person will eventually leave me anyway. I am not the type of person people want for a friend because as soon as I feel some kind of connection, I disappear never saying a why I did. I am so self-reliant, independent, and resourceful that I have no idea how to include someone into my life. Thus, I remove the random variable and avoid the unpredictable variable, the other person, and return to my extreme self-reliance.
Wow, first this describes me in soo many ways, but watching this i just had a revelation. I think i developed this attachment style as a child because i subconsciously felt the need to balance my mother's extreme emotions. My mom has BPD and it just hit me that soo much of her rage towards me is that i am not emotionally like her in any way. She tried her very best to mold me in her image as to always have someone in her life to control. I think she has always been angry that i am totally different her, even though i needed to be if we were going to survive. My mom made it clear that there was not enough room for us to both have feelings and i took the hint but she also completely ignores any and all emotions i express unless i express them in an extreme way that she can recognize. Which made it even more confusing, i would have to translate my feelings into performative gestures for her to take them serious. I'm still struggling with understanding my emotions and knowing how to appropriately express them. Thank you soo much for this video, it's been incredibly insightful.
I will do the whole 'agonizing over the ones that got away' thing. I'm doing it right now over a recent departed partner. I think that it provides a safe space to feel the types of emotion I really wanted to feel about her, only this time in my head and after she has already gone for good. This way I can safely 'feel' and open myself up in the fantasy I create in my head, where I don't have the risk of being rejected. As a bonus, I get to kick myself when I'm down and wallow in self pity for screwing up another good thing.
Wow dude this is me. 🙋🏼♂️ didn’t even realize I did that, but I related so much to your comment.
This really touched me personally. 😢 100% true. Except going back to old relationships. Once I leave, I don’t ever look back because I feels safer/empowered that way. I feel desensitized from “feelings” and don’t know how to activate emotions 😞 I was raised with a cold and dismissive mother who almost dreaded spending time with us, and she’s still the same way. Thank you so much for your videos 🙏
This has been very helpful to me. It very much gave me answers to questions I have had for the last 30 years. I have been single for ten years and growing increasingly lonely as I get older. The thing is, every relationship I have had since my mid 20's has been blighted by the severe anxiety emotional connection causes me. I came to the point that I believe myself to be disqualified from relationships. For me to even consider a relationship is enough to bring on anxiety. I play with the idea in my mind and the anxiety starts. I tried internet dating for a bit, but even this brought on the anxiety. I felt a sheer terror at the idea of connection. Anxiety overwhelms me, I try and manage it, I become fatigued and end up having to finish another relationship. I gave up completely a few years back. I accepted finally that relationships just weren't for me. I get some enjoyment out of life but there is an emptiness in me. Recently, out of the blue, I agreed to date somebody from work whom I had fancied from a distance for three years. I really like her and I know that she has strong feelings for me. Within two weeks, the anxiety is as overwhelming as it has ever been. I am using different techniques to try and manage this, including vagal exercises and meditation. I am doing slightly better than previously and trying not to keep it from having too much of an impact. I am fighting to not get into push me/pull me behaviour, or to create an internal monologue that sabotages the relationship - it is true, I have terrible self-esteem and can become irritable and moody, focussing on creating or exaggerating the defects of the other person. I am trying so hard not to succumb but it is very difficult. I am away from her for a few days and I am dreading the texts that tell me she is missing me. I don't look forward to speaking with her as it just shouts 'connection' at me. I do really like her and when I am relaxed, looking at a picture of her electrifies me, but simultaneously, it generates instant, unmanageable anxiety. I just want to be able to relax and build a relationship but it is so tiring fighting to keep anxiety at bay. Anyway, I get some consolation from watching this video because it resonates. Thank you for posting it and hopefully, the advice and info can help me come out on top and bring me happiness.
William, your story is very common. Did you grow up with a caregiver who was alcoholic/ addicted or otherwise unpredictable? Or who was neurotic and relied on you for support? Have you tried or considered SSRI medication? My partner was like you in the beginning, and I want you to know that it's 100% possible for you to have a secure attachment. A big part of it will be finding the right person who understands the "ick" or "fear" factor you get. There are ladies out there (I'm one of them) who like a lot of space and don't like mushy stuff. Good luck 👍
Thank you for your testimony. I thought I was the only one who is a basket case. I went through a similar experience but somewhat with anxiety (I think).
I haven't tried to actively bond another person but been mostly on analysis paralysis. Like you, I have thought of myself non compatible due to my differences in interests in my hobbies or failure at things in life like not having my own place.
My problem is when or if a guy finds interests in me I want to cut it off quick at first sight. I think of thousands of excuses within myself why I'm not compatible, or they are trying to control me. Then I think of scare tactics to make them become disinterested in me of throwing in things I have interests in that maybe weird to others. Numerology is one example.
Most of my 20s was just work. Anger was in there as well. I know I still have much healing to do and lots of deprogroming of protective thought patterns.
Don't give up but keep pushing.
@@scarletsletter4466 i am like that and my mom was unpredictable and depended on me for support so i really want someone who can understand that but i dont know if i can find someone like that
Focus on resolving the core childhood trauma under these patterns. The anxiety is trying to lead you back into those traumas so they can be integrated. Using meditation to regulate yourself along the way is alright for coping, but if that's all you're doing, with no trauma resolution practices along side, then you're basically using meditation to suppress, and that anxiety will erupt one day.
What a wonderful and clear explanation! Thanks for your great work and helping your audience get better and healthier ❤
I was dignosed as avoidant and when I listen to your description of avoidant people I feel like you're talking about me. it's nice to give a name to my character
Thank you Dr. Kim Sage! You deserve so many subscribers and I hope to see your channel grow. Watching this truly made me feel hopeful.
For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me and how I show up in my relationships. After hearing you talking about brain development or lack thereof, the inability to differentiate if situations are good or bad because of being unable or having a hard time to tap into emotions, and recalling childhood memories, I FELT so SEEN.
I am definitely talking about this in my upcoming therapy session!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I deeply appreciate you and your kindness in my channel's growth:). To be honest, I know I probably say this a lot, but you do deserve to been SEEN and HEARD and UNDERSTOOD! Good luck in your session!!🙏🏻💕
Mind blown. I wish I had known this information before dating
me too - lol:). Thank you for sharing and posting!🙏🏻💕
Oh my GAWD!!!! Did my inner world just manifest itself into physical form via this video? LOL! Fuck. This whole video was scary how accurate it described me. Even the subtle nuances. Thank you Dr. Sage for the time and effort, and your way of explaining and articulating.
I'm currently falling in love with a girl who is an avoidant. The mixed signals I'm getting are driving me up the wall. She has opened up to me about her deepest secrets and stuff that she is also afraid of sharing with her mother. I have even gone to a psychologist myself to better understand the type of person that I am in love with. The good times are great, but when something emotional happens, she completely goes into her own space, and I'm often the first person she shuts out. She has also been the victim of SA from a family member when she was a child. Unfortunately her family has never really been in the financial position to seek guidance but she also has held this in and not told her parents about it. So far, I'm the only person she has told other than her sister who was also a victim from the same family member.
I have been planning on having a conversation with her about our situation and been split in my mind on how and what to say exactly. But your video has definitely given me some direction on how I need to address the situation.
You will eventually get exhausted. That's what happened with me. I understood why my guy behaves like that n tried hard to give him space n reassurances. But he eventually felt I was annoying n clingy
@@manasac3102 I've shown her this video and a couple more now. She understands herself a bit better. I'm an only child so I also struggle with partners who are clingy and space. But ye, I told her she cannot expect me to wait around forever. I know she has feelings for me, but she is scared of commitment, having been self sufficient with her emotions due to circumstances.
I am getting to the end of my string in terms of waiting. It's just difficult because I do really love her.
I think the tricky thing on finding healthy partners is the people you had in life that made you this way were horrible and all you knew. So your barometer for tolerance on dysfunction in relationships is abnormally high. You KNOW this and try to over correct by raising standards higher than you’ve accepted or even others. It’s hard to discern whether the standard is unattainable or acceptable because you’ve already accepted the unacceptable for so long.
Wow this is such an interesting and accurate video. I am a recovering Dismissive Avoidant who is now primarily secure (I still have few more things to heal) and everything you said was spot on.
I'm dating a DA who is currently going through therapy and I am so appreciative that he is brave enough to take that on. You too should be commended!!! I'm curious as to how long it took you to move to secure? I'm certain everyone's journey is different and I'm in it with him no matter the length. .Just curious.
@@leahparks2466 Thank you :) I actually joined the personal development school (if you are aware about it) in June last year and first got my 50% secure score after like 5-6 months after doing the work which meant that I was primarily secure during that time but I still had underlying DA tendencies to work on but after that I have made more progress while doing the work and now I am 75-80% secure. When I started I was around 60% DA.
@@roshalllambert thank you so kindly for taking the time to answer. I wish you the best!!!
@@leahparks2466 Thank you! Wish you all the best too for the success of your relationship!
@@roshalllambert Nice. Work. You can't skip it, can you really? Even Prince Harry said. To combat the issues you have to do the work.
I’m avoidant and this is the most accurate description of me ever
so sad my bf is a avoindant he is always distant and cold 💔
Could you share how you were treated by your parents?
@@ElleS572 Didn’t care how I felt at all. I had to act a certain way or do very well in school to be noticed.
@@audreyf9092 so sorry, hugs 💞
I tend not to ask people for help. I try to be self-reliant.
This is 100% me.......thanks for the help Kim 💗
Wow I don't remember the first six and a half years of my life, but my first memory is my elder sister abusing me and she was a malevolent narcissist. She body shamed me and every kind of abuse. My lonely childhood years was of fear sadness, and abuse I never knew that I would be something like this but watching this video I can identify that now. The one thing that always stand out to me is that I feel utterly alone, and that I always have since childhood.😮 I have periods of sadness and I don't know why.
I was good at playing by myself as a child Dr. Sage.
This is me to a T.
I like being self reliant and never want to depend on others. Spot on about thinking someone will take my autonomy and I need to self soothe alone. However I’m very open and in tune with my emotional expressions and self awareness. This might be because this only started for me in adulthood, so I had some ‘normal’ years
I have this attachment style. It comes from repeated experiences of rejection and not getting my needs met in the foster care system. I had push down so much anger and any emotion really to survive and not be judged. In that system you show any emotion they label you rebellious and will try to force you to take psychotropic drugs. The foster care system is a gold mine for pharmaceutical companies to test out psychotropic drugs masked as "best interests of the child"
I'm wondering if my boyfriend and I both have these attachment styles. I almost feel like mine is a mix of anxious attached and avoidant. But I think his is all avoidant. I have ocd and he is schizoaffective.
We have been together for over 2 years. I have told him I loved him multiple times but he won't say it back. I questioned him and he says he does love me but expresses it in different ways... he also has said he doesn't show his emotions because he has trouble "feeling". I'm starting to just feel alone and fantasize about what it's like to actually be loved. Before him I dated a ton of narcissists.
Thank you so much for sharing,I. You are 100 percent right my mom was emotionally unavailable teen mom and I’m dismissive avoidant now I’m suffering I never knew until I met someone worse than me 😰😰😩😩
^^^^^ this!!!
This was my ex boyfriend we broke up because of it it was so sad to see him have this disorder and have no awareness his mom is a drug addict but he denies it and says his childhood was pretty great when I know that's not true he would constantly act clueless on his trauma or say one thing and do something totally different one. Min he would be sweet and loving and the next week he would be cold and ghosting randomly it was like he was a totally different person and I never knew who I was dealing with or how he really felt he would keep stuff to his self and then dump me then he would blame me for not wanting to deal with him anymore he would sabotage the relationship and then say I deserved it I was so confused and hurt for a very long time until I learned about attachment styles and dismissive avoidant disorder I wish I would have known he was an avoidant earlier but you live and you learn
@Rise Phoenix Pop Culture - thank you for sharing - a lot of what you said to me makes sense , I believe that regardless how I show him love or how much I tell him he still questions if it’s real & when we have an issue to handle & clear up he retreats & goes silent which to me makes me think that he sees love as a burden & not worth the effort & the silence makes me feel punished, abandoned & abused emotionally
My mom didn’t have affectionate parents. In fact, from about five years old, my grandmother would send my mom to live with other families to help with various chores and such. My grandmother would come by monthly to collect the pay but that was it. She often moved my mom from one home to another if she found more lucrative opportunities. Consequently, my mom suffered disassociation from a very young age. As a parent, she didn’t know how to show affection, so my sisters and I also learned to disassociate, especially since our father was abusive too. Now, my mom is VERY affectionate with us, and has shown us that being affectionate is safe. Anytime we see each other - even though we all live within at most 15 minutes away - we hug each other every time we see each other and before we leave. We kiss our mom on the cheek, and anytime we interact, we say “I love you”. That’s whether we are in person, by phone or even through texts.
For me it was pretty hard to build emotional memories because I was in fight or flight a lot of the time. Good things would happen but I didnt pay attention because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So understandable....
@@DrKimSage also i wanted to thank you for recommending "understanding the borderline mother" in your videos. It helped me look at my childhood in a different way. I think I still have a long process ahead of me, but you've definitely helped in the first steps.
@@jking1343 You are so welcome:)
Couldn't this also be for children of alcoholics? Sounds very similar to that type of behavioral traits of a COA.
Could also be disorganized attachment. In some areas you can rely on your caregivers; but sometimes they turn into 'unrelyable' caregivers cause of their substance abuse which is interpreted as danger for a child. So you got the close-distant-dynamic.
Goodness this has described my husband, I recently lost my mom suddenly right before Christmas in 2021. Everything changed it was like the more I needed him emotionally the angrier he got with me. Love your name btw ! It’s my daughter’s name but flipped flopped lol
Don’t try to fix anybody. You gonna get hurt unless they have said to you that they need your help on that. The push and pull is very toxic you won’t know at the beginning until you catch feeling. RUN…..
Thank you Dr. Sage I'm soon to be 75 and have often wondered why or who I am. You have perfectly explained my life. Thank you for your this defining session! You have a new subscriber. Thank You!
So. I've listened to a -lot- of these style of videos. You're one of the only ones that not only avoided the pop-psychology, accurately pegged several issues I'd been wondering about myself, and gave me several avenues to look into work to do. 10/10. Thank you for not only being professional in your manner of speech, and explaining your points and advice clearly. Well made and done.
You -literally- had me shout and felt called out to a point.
How do the other ones engage in pop psychology? I'm just trying to figure out what the distinction is.
This is my partner you described him exactly - I often feel he hates me instead of loves me , he makes it nearly impossible to love him & I can’t love him out of this or fix him & he refuses therapy
I’ve heard it said that those who are the most unlovable need love the most. Describes my father and husband but I don’t think I can do it anymore. 😫My father has passed (full of regret and sadness but detached with the stiff upper lip til the end) My husband while not a bad person is detached and aloof. During family gatherings he usually leaves the room to watch TV downstairs choosing as little engagement as possible. Don’t see him ever changing but fortunately I had a loving mom and my kids are who I live for ! Oh, yes I got a pup that has become an amazing companion! 🥰
In my experience, ’s like vulnerability seems dirty . It’s sad and frustrating. But also in many ways I feel like a highly emotionally intelligent person, ? but I’m definitely stuck in a hole in this way.
Agree, I don't sense it as a fear of vulnerability or intimacy it's more like the emotion of disgust at the thought of being emotionally fluent with another.
Both me and my ex-wife have this style.
In general men are less emotional than woman.
There is nothing wrong to have this style if you're happy with it. For me personally next time I will look for a more emotional mature and available partner since I learned that fits me better. 😊
The thing about not asking for help and then getting very upset of not getting help from others were a very big problem for me in the first semester of my education and resulted in me not learning a lot of basic concepts which has come back to bite me repeatedly during my education. But I have persisted, though my education has been prolonged with a year, and I am now in the last semester and look to finish my education by Summer.
If you’re avoidant you’re more likely to avoid this post.
There’s like a 7 year gap in my memory from 5-12 and I only have a few memories. I was homeschooled and my parents didn’t like the neighbors kids so I remember looking out the window at them sad knowing I’d get punished if I played with them. I remember a moment after on of their punishments that I realized that I could discard my emotions and enter a sorta zombie mode where nothing would hurt. Can’t feel hatred or anger towards them if you discard your capacity for any emotions. And also there was this giant shed we had and I realized that the only place I could get away from their shouting was to be away from everyone. I didn’t get my first friend until senior year of hs in 2019 but in 2020 the pandemic hit and I still haven’t figured out how to fix it
That is really sad to hear. Sorry to hear that. I really hope your life improves ❤️
I found this video helpful.
Alone in love, that sounds exactly what it feels like. I feel less alone by myself by far. I may be becoming avoidant now, Its very difficult to be in an impossible relationship. I have zero desire to try and fix anyone but myself. My attachment style is secure but its very difficult to have or sustain an attachment to someone who refuses to be their real self or is avoidant. And then there’s the person who is rich and treats themselves really well and makes it obvious they are but makes a purpose of treating you like a bag of crap year after year for whatever reasons beyond my brain’s comprehension.or one’s who cant go five minutes without causing negative drama which gives me brain damage while they find it funny. I find it exhausting to be around. People come with an awful lot of baggage, and if they don’t fix it who will? Its like trying to be in grown up relationships with two year olds. I don’t want to be a grown man’s mother nor do I like role playing of any kind. I like normalcy. I find it difficult to trust people who aren’t being their genuine self and its next to impossible to know someone’s true intentions toward you without that.
It would make sense cause now your parent is treating you like a avoidant. That sucks because you may meet someone next who loves you and you may have trouble showing love due to rejection . Meaning your boyfriend is your parent now
I try to process my thoughts
as I watch this video,
I mostly feel happy
and light and grateful
and I just pray...
that the past doesn't get in the way
of my happiness...
and that all my stresses
don't overwhelm me...
and...
there's a person I want...
I want them to want me,
just as I am.
I pray for true love...
Now remember there is a reason they are called styles, not just damaged goods. Its ok to not be needy. Its ok to be strong, and enjoy solitude. It just means you probably shouldn't have kids or for your partner to realize you 'gone fishing'!
Man I been Anxious Attachment. I’ve been Fearful-Avoidant. Now I’m dismissive and trying to fix it. I take Lexapro now and I genuinely enjoy my singlehood but I know I want marriage and family someday.
I'm a very independent woman, have never been married, live alone and know how to fix-repair-create and usually believe that the only way something can be done well is by doing it myself. Although, I truly hope to find love, I'm sure I could be a great partner.
This is great advice for a woman, or a man who wants to be a woman.
It’s sad when someone can’t “connect” emotionally. My mother never attached to me and I’m sure never will. She is so poor that she cannot give what is free.
Yes I agree here. Mines never attached to me but only trauma bonded with me and I always knew the relationship bond was fake & phony.
I relate to a lot of this and I do have an avoidant attachment style but I have no issue recalling emotional neglect in childhood and discussing it openly. I’m a psychiatric RN and I’m very self aware. I self reflect deeply and emotionally communicate with my partner but I do have that fear of them encroaching on my independence and autonomy. If I feel this is happening I tend to back away.
Are you dismissive or are you more disorganized a.k.a. fearful avoidant?
I found this video helpful Dr. Sage.
I’m an Avoidant Dr. Sage.
This is on point and describes me too a T. I tend to push people away and I learned this about myself and I’m slowly working on it.
Kim, I stumbled upon your channel by accident and I have to say while watching this video, something in me healed. I myself am more of an anxious attachment style (maybe even accompanied by avoidant tendencies) and a lot of my friendships as well as romantic relationships include avoidant partners/friends. I never really saw a connection as to why it always happens to me. it makes so much sense now. This video especially made me understand the patterns of a current love interest. I watched numerous videos on attachment styles because it's such an interesting topic but it seems like you really got through to me. It seems like I got it after months of trying to understand myself and the people I tend to draw into my life. choosing avoidant people because I can't have them goes all the way back to my avoidant mother with whom I lived until I was 18 and my anxiously attached father who I am in touch with. Thank you for helping us with your brilliant videos, Kim.
Totally relate, I always attract avoidant men and friends.
Ok so I am halfway in and I can already tell that this video is a good way for women to blame all their relationship problems on some disorder. When in reality he is probably just fed up with your bullshit. But too scared to leave.
Hm.. turns out that I am avoidant, but it is absolutely not true that I do not understand the feelings of others. On the contrary, I am very emphatic and feel the feelings of others. But that‘s exhausting, so it is true that I pull away after a few hours spent with friends. The only persons I can spend 24/24 hours with are my closest family( except my mother😂) and my boyfriend… the best about being avoidant is the amazing clarity and independence , and that they give people space to be really themselves . I wonder who the best match for the avoidant is.. for me is a calm, warm, confident man who does not give up easily on me. That’s when I trust him enough to warm up. 😊 it has worked well so far, but now I want to work on my self and go out more, be more around people and show more affection. Wish me luck ☺️
I knew I was avoidant, but sheesh! Lord help me get past all of my past 🙏🏾
So basically after they discard you and push you away, they delete you out of their heart and mind and you never hear from them again?
From my own experience as an avoidant, yeah. My first relationship after I broke it off I automatically blocked them and erased them from everything and when I saw them again I just ignored them, acted like I never knew them in my life. I never really processed my feelings afterwards and avoided it. All that I ever thought was just getting out of that relationship cause it was too much for me to have another person in my life and I was disgusted of them showing affection/intimacy for me.
Oh my Lord the first few minutes! Eureeka! All this as far as relationships sounds just like me but, after my 2nd husband crushed my heart by having an affair After 12 years that i thought and he admitted were happy. I dated some but, i realized i don't have the heart to even attempt it again.
I feel like the very rare person content to be dismissive avoidant, I’ve always been repelled by intimacy and affection because I have mild autism but really act like a bad stereotype socially. I think having that kind of personality is strongly genetic to one side of my family in general from what I know of the members on it. I’m willing to be open and blunt to friends but I’m just not loving an affectionate, I’m like a pet snake that just kind of enjoys people’s presence but doesn’t really go deeper. I hear too many horror stories about romance and see nothing I’d get out of it so it’s not even on the radar because it just seems like a liability to me. But I also tend to be a laughably rational and serious “engineer brained” person in general, and I’m not using that term as a compliment there lol
Though I definitely had a dismissive mother (and generally got socially rejected in grade school) despite her otherwise being about the best parent I could have. I still don’t tell her about most of my interests or feelings because of that and I only tell her about things she’ll approve of basically. But that’s something I can generally move beyond in other relationships/settings if I sense people won’t call me weird or cringe or focused on stupid things.
I ended up avoiding any relationships outside of a work situation, plus when I took chances opening up very early on I got burned ,which made my lack of trust even worse .
I never get why people have kids if they just beat on them ?
Its all very sad .
I have a lot of signs of this, but i have the ability to recall memories in extreme detail as well as generally.
And I definitely can see negative experiences in my life easily.
And don't believe in the ideal partner.
But I don't feel comfortable expressing emotions, especially positive ones. They're embarrassing. Excitement almost doesn't exist. I just expect things to go well and smoothly, and get irritated when they don't. I don't see why people shouldn't expect things to just be smooth.
Some jerk cuts you off? He shouldn't have. It was easy not to. Therefore it's very irritating that he did. They drive well? Of course they did. They're expected to. No cookies for not endangering people.
Solutions should be processed intellectually. How you feel about how healthy food is, or if smoking is bad for you, or if you've lied to someone isn't relevant. The facts are the facts, and you should be grown up enough to just handle them as they really are.
i want to apologize to him for being so emotionally unavailable during our 2.5 year relationship but i feel like thatll be wayy more damaging to the both of us. he deserved so much better than what i was giving, especially w physical intimacy bcs i flat out just didn't feel like i could become that vulnerable again ☹☹
This is 100% I can’t believe it...
I am breaking this cycle, in my mid-30s. What started my healing process was catching a few moments with a few strangers (younger women) abilities to see my discomfort. It has opened me to expressing my buried emotions and making me learn to cope with them properly. I currently think I will not be able to relate to someone romantically, so I ponder more on how to empower people at my level from my solitude.
I don't like how on point this is for me 🤣
Good to know either way though!
I am sorry! I recommend the book Attached if you're interested in some strategies!:)
This video was very cogent and helpful. Thank you
Learn to be emotional how did you feel not what do you think, tune down the auto regulation, thanks learnt so much
Thank you for this. This is such a good video. And so sad.
I'm hoping I can change. Learn how to feel MY emotions again, because I have empathy and love and compassion. I do want to talk about the childhood stuff with my people. I want to have more than 2 people that I'm close with in my life
I find it's hard to hug or tell my daughter I love her because I never got that I guess. It makes me feel like a bad mom.