I'm trying to learn that unless someone has actively and directly said or done something to me, then it is not rejection. Sometimes our minds carry us away to conclusions that are just not true.
This just happened to me. In my head, this man I went on a date with is rejecting me, but he has not said as much nor eluded to it. I guess it makes it easier in my head if I go with the rejection story and move on.
I found this video very helpful. I have struggled with rejection trauma ever since I was separated from my father when I was five. I'm now 61. Nowhere before have I come across someone who has described the issue so well. Thank you.
Rationally I understand that. But it doesn't make a lasting difference because I can't rely on that experience. My imprint will always say the next situation will be one of rejection.
I think such rejection traumas can also come from outside the home, from the betrayal of trust from peers and friends. You expect a certain reciprocity from a friend as well, a feeling of safety, of mutual interest, but when childhood friends pull that rug out from under you and betray your trust, I see a similar emotional response can result. Loss of trust in others, loss of belief that you are worthy, constant self-reflection on why you must be defective.
This happened to me in sixth grade on the playground with like 3 days left in the school year. Had a huge fight with my best friend of 6 years and our whole friend group. Ended up getting the principal and other parents involved and transferring schools. Didn’t realize how broken it left me until college really
This is all me! I have complete "DISBELIEF" if someone likes me or shows any interest in me because it seems "ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!!" If someone shows the slightest interest in me I kind of shut down, freeze and panic all at once because I cannot handle at all the thought of someone liking me. If feels unbelievably uncomfortable. I guess that's why I've been single almost my entire life because being close to someone makes me fall to pieces. Really good insights here!
Me, too! I can only believe it if it’s someone who’s totally inappropriate for me. I finally met and married a wonderful man, but I was too screwed up to be able to reciprocate and he passed away and now I’m left with the regret. I’m trying to forgive the adults in my life for how badly they screwed me up, but it’s not easy. I love them, but still… Have you ever tried to make a list of your good qualities or of things that you’ve accomplished in your life? I actually did that a few nights ago and it was very interesting. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could and it was kind of an eye-opening exercise. Good luck to you and I hope that you can find enough compassion and self love that you can actually believe that a good person could love you. I’m sorry that so many of us have to go through this. What a shame. Take care. 💕
Everything you said is spot on for me that I have been going through my 38 years of life. I have felt empty alone depressed. I have a father that never supported me with anything. I don't have confidence within myself. I have never dated or kissed a woman and I don't go around messing with women's feelings because to me it's messed up and I don't a woman to do that to me. I would love to be in a relationship with a woman someday but I feel like I am losing hope. I hate feeling this way
I got all 7. I'm diagnosed with CPTSD. I was rejected from birth. I've made it to 70, all messed up but I'm content now in my own world. Atleast I know what's been the problem all along.
I am 57 and going through the same thing. I very much agree with what you wrote. It's the same here. It's nice to know we are not alone, though I hate that this is a global problem. Thank you for writing what you wrote, and I wish you the best.
I'm 40, my mom had postpartum depression and dad was never around. I'm learning not to sabotage my relationship. And having compassion for myself. I also tell myself it's not my fault. What my parents went thru. I'm worthy and I'm the biggest love of my life. Church and God has helped me alot. But still healing , is hard.
Unfortunately, people get parented incorrectly and then they just keep passing it on through the generations. I’m glad I decided by the age of 13 that I never wanted to have children and I never changed my mind. I’m in my 60s and still working on myself! Parents have no idea how much damage they can do. thank you for this video! I’m sorry that it resonates with so many people. 💕
Kudos to you for realizing the impact parents can have and refusing to pass on any negativity to other young minds and hearts. I am 53 and still working on myself as well. Although I never made the conscious decision, I have not had children either. I think I realized I was simply not emotionally mature enough to parent somebody. However, I have considered adopting a teenager from the foster system when I feel responsible and mature enough.
@@bcburt2000 I used to think about fostering a child as well, but I ended up teaching and tutoring ESL and I used to be kind of a mentor to my students, and I also tutored four teenage boys who had absolutely no family in the US, so I ended up kind of parenting them for a while. It was a great experience and I recently reconnected with one of them after 30 years. I hope I can find the others because I loved them all. That’s very kind of you to think of doing that. There are so many kids out there that have no support. Take care of yourself and I hope that works out for you. 💕
@@bcburt2000 You’re welcome! And yes I’ve been lucky enough to have some really good experiences in life, but also some really bad ones. Maybe they balance each other out. 😊😢
A guy I was least interested in blocked me suddenly and it triggered me. I don't know why. I didn't even fancy him. He's almost a stranger but the rejection has suddenly triggered something in me. This happened previously as well when a complete stranger kicked me out of an online audio chat room after being friendly. In both cases, the common denominator I found was being misunderstood and rejected without giving me a chance to explain/understand. That triggered me.
It’s based on experience. I’ve been rejected so many times specifically in relationships that every time some thing seems to be potentially working out, I just wait until the rejection hits. And it almost always done. Almost fourteen years of this. It’s real people.
DON'T be RE-active----be PRO-active.Don't "wait" for people to reject you--you already KNOW it's coming,everytime you encounter someone.So,DON'T wait--just reject them,before they reject you,by isolating yourself from them.DON'T engage.It is not productive.Just go on and live YOUR life.You don't need anyone,trust me.
I used to self-sabotage the same way. Even if I KNEW a relationship with someone would not work out, I stayed with them. I managed to turn it around and cut people out the moment I smell trouble. I stayed because part of me hoped they would change. No one that treated me badly ever changed.
When I first went to collage, a guy in my dorm said I was an enigma. I didn't know what that meant and when I looked it up I felt ashamed that he was so right. I'm now in my 50's and I spent a lifetime distancing from people and deliberately not letting them know who I really am, often abandoning them before they get too close in an effort to protect myself from being betrayed or abandoned by them first. My dad was stoic and emotionally distant. My mom was a narcissist who would alternately say that she loved me then take any and all information I gave her about myself (what I was doing, thinking, feeling, etc.) and weaponize it to cut me down emotionally. I grew up being so confused about what love really means and to this day I still feel like I can't trust anyone. I do have friends from college and work, but I've never been in the "inner circle" - I've always only been a satellite, revolving around other people or groups (and focusing on them more than they do me). I'm a loner and I do often really enjoy being alone, but sometimes I wish I could have (or could figure out how to) found a really good life partner who I could trust and with whom I could be vulnerable and then I get really depressed in the realization that I will likely die alone.
I'm about your age with a very similar story. I, too, was told I was an enigma in college or just after. It must have been a trendy pickup line at the time if we both got it. To me it felt like an odd word to use and manipulative, i.e. an attempt to get me to drop my boundaries and become a vulnerable sex object, which I still think it was. But I agree at the time I also felt shamed by it. I used to fear dying alone, but the events of the last 3 years give me hope and convinced me I'll never die at all, but will be raptured by Christ. The signs the Bible tells us to look for are accumulating rapidly!
I had everything materially, good home, nice toys, clothes, holidays, but I was never; hugged, kissed, held, told I was loved, felt loved or knew how to approach anyone for love. Criticism was the norm for me. I am 67 now and have two children both adults. They were loved, cared for, hugged, kissed, appreciated. I have fostered children too and now realise I was trying to undo what was done to me. My mother is 95 now and I can't bring myself to hug or kiss her. As for a new relationship, I would struggle to believe anyone could like me enough to stay! I had three long term relationships including one marriage, and they all cheated multiple times. Best stay single, I can't go through the pain again.
My father left within weeks of being born and my mother blamed me because I ruined her life. I completely relate to the deep loneliness that you speak about and have lived in survival all my life. Am so exhausted
No, she chose that partner, she chose to have a child. You never asked to be here, to deal with any of this BS, much less to be brought into such a dysfunctional, painful situation. She sounds like a narcissist.
@@EMILYHERRERA you’re right, definitely a narcissist who believes she’s the victim, but it seems I’m to blame for everything. The ripple effect that this causes is tremendous pain and sorrow. Getting your head around it is a very difficult, arduous and exhausting because you can’t make these people love you
This is a 100 percent me. I am 57 years old and single and lonely. Only time I can let my guard down is when drinking. I can not even hold on to a job. Had one relationship.
@@spriggy4382 I agree. And a very dangerous one at that. There are many kinds of crutches and, when you finally find out you’ve been using one, you can turn around and realize that you’ve wasted the best years of your life. And the thing is, you can’t get them, or the ones you loved, back. Believe me, you don’t want that.
@@whitebirchtarot Been to counseling off and on for years. Not one therapist ever caught on I had trauma. I just recently discovered this myself as for the reasons I do what I do. All of my fears are trauma based
I had issues with some substance abuse too that I sort of recently overcame! So far so good. 🤞🏼 My advice so far is find a hobby or skill you are passionate about and focus on THAT! Anytime u get an urge to use… redirect yourself and focus on your goals in life. And drink organic or non gmo seltzers or something to replace it… works for me. ESP at parties… I need seltzers so I don’t get tempted lol I always tell myself “dont harm yourself bc others are uneducated a**sholes” when the pain flares up lol Love myself and show up for myself and my goals and dreams … if nobody else will love me I WILL. lol stuff like that helps me … certain “self talk” so far it’s working. Today I was tempted and I was like “no… I’ve come this far… can’t go back… get a seltzer” lmao I used to use it to numb the pain (it actually made it worse In the long run) but now I’m dealing with the pain when it flares up and taking action steps every day to make changes and see if I can manifest my dreams/goals and keep that my focus It’s hard sometimes still but I’m happier now than I was when I was wasting my life using substances too much. At least I’m getting closer to my goals and making changes now that I wasn’t able to do as much when I was over using substances. Only so much time and can’t waste it anymore but like Iron Maiden says “dont worry about the wasted years… face it, take your stand. Realize ur living in the golden years” In moderation a little organic alcohol (wine has resveratrol) or weed (thc is an antioxidant & neuroprotective) is fiiiine but personally I’m taking a loooooong break bc I was overdoing it. Maybe one day I’ll enjoy in moderation. I do have a liver regeneration video and lung detox if anyone needs that and YES ive regenerated a cats liver in real life and detoxed lungs too. Got pics of the lung detox from myself (Maryjane) and a friend who had polyester resin damage. Rants over… felt like leaving this for anyone else struggling with substance abuse. I’m off them all now and hoping to stay this way for a loooooong time but in my opinion True recovery is if I can enjoy in moderation one day. Not be controlled by it bc I’m in pain.
Would it be possible for you to do a video covering the effects of frequent moving/relocation during childhood? I experienced the aforementioned rejection trauma on top of moving every 6 months to 1 year until age 18. I’m 26 now. No long term friends. No history with anyone or anywhere. I barely know how to socialize even tho I desperately want to. I’ve been working minimum wage “background character” jobs, lacked the self esteem to pursue higher education beyond my GED. I could go on and on. I have an older sibling with all the same problems. We both feel hopeless sometimes
I hope you’re teaching other therapists about CPTSD, Dr. Sage. I literally have been to 20 therapists over the last 40 years, trying to explain / understand what was going on with me, and you nail it. Putting a name to it was the start of my recovery. I tend to attract people with narcissistic tendencies (because familiar), but can spot and avoid them right away now. I’ve gotten all the selfish self absorbed people out of my life now, and have no regrets. Thank you so much for what you do!
What are some of the biggest red flags for narcissistic tendencies, if I may ask? My father is a narcissist & I don’t want to date anyone now, bc of the fear they’ll turn out like him and reject me over and over. I’ve had that happen in 2 past relationships and it’s so hard.
The worst for me is that I go into every encounter naively optimistic, and have suffered a ton of actual real rejection. It's one thing working on feeling less deeply when I'm rejected or working on negative bias when I think I am - like physical gut wrenching ache - but knowing how to deal with rejection trauma while you're actually being rejected is the most difficult. People who use me, betray me, only 'fangirl' me, are 'nice' until the need to be is done, or seem like they're becoming a real friend then they disappear..... I have so much love to give yet seem to repel people! I've spent a lifetime being 'strong' and I've healed a lot of childhood wounds, but this one is tough because as I say, there are real rejections in place. With this wound I am actually in a worse place mentally/emotionally then I've ever been because the rejections in the last few years have been one after the other. It's a lot to take. Lots of people talk about perceived rejection but those of us with this trauma also need help when we deal with real rejection.
Do any of you lack memories being touched, hugged, held, kissed, cuddled, or patted on the head by your mom? I can't remember one time any of these things happened. I can't figure out if that means I was never touched. But if most people can't remember these things it might suggest they did happen and I just can't remember it.
Hi Nancy. I cannot remember being hugged, kissed or held by my mother either. She said she didn’t want me when I was born. I sat on the couch once when I was little and cried. I asked her if she even loved me. My question enraged her and she became extremely sarcastic and started mocking me. It’s a scar that has followed me my whole life. I’m 55 now. Never married. No children. And I’ve even been in therapy for years and years. The rejection trauma has never healed for me. Sending you a virtual hug!
As an 8 year old, I pointed out to my mother that I noticed all the other kids in my fourth grade were being touched and patted and sitting on knees of parents. Mom looked like I had called her out for something she sort of was aware of. I wanted affection, and I obviously wasn't getting it. Mom looked guilt-ridden and said her parents stopped touching her when she turned 5 years old. She awkwardly tried to approach and touch me and I rejected her. I was throwing the rejection back in her face because I didn't know how to accept it, plus I was giving her what she had been giving me all my little life: nothing, rejection,coldness. Things went back to "normal". Rejection, I ashamed her for existing. My very existence was a stain on her. I'm 70 now. I managed to get a master's degree in Clinical Psychology in my 30's, but I am still as dysfunctional as ever I have been. I remember back to toddler age. I was psychologically distorted pretty much from the very beginning. Many of us are tragedies.
@@SDsearcher Interesting that my mother would mock me and be sarcastic and laugh at me. She also got very angry. She and my much older half-sister would point at me laughing hysterically. I grew up in a house of sadists. My mother was very well educated. Duke University, Stanford, UC Berkeley. So she wasn't stupid. But she created a deformed psyche for me and probably my brother and half-sisters. I got it the worst of them. 😢
The one who give me the most rejection feeling is my MOTHER, sometime i feel that i hate ger but now i'm kinda more adult and just understand that it's not my fault, it's not me who never not enough, but it was all my mother who too controlling and manipulating.. I love her as my mother, but i now i must make a boundaries and keep distance from her
I already knew I had this trauma of course, but it has never been so eloquently and perfectly put that I have that deep, DEEP loneliness and I literally have an emotional breakdown every couple months over loneliness. It’s so hard to shake cuz I moved to another country alone in my early twenties and community is just harder to find. But it’s also good ole trauma. Thanks for not just explaining these things but always offering ways to deal with/resolve it so we don’t have to feel so stuck ❣️
Thanks so much for this one. I am in my 70's and I have always been a loner. Thirty-five years ago I stopped looking for relationships of any kind. I always felt like they were a "duty" and they were, because I never knew how to approach people I really wanted to date, nor could I believe they would want me. So I let people choose me and then felt guilty when I couldn't care about them. You are very right about providing utilitarian value to people. I can do a lot of things and with one exception my relationships are service oriented. I have no idea how to become the person they go on vacation with and probably wouldn't be comfortable in many of the social situations they take for granted. Still it hurts when my neighbors text me from some fun event and ask if I can walk their dog because they will be home late, never considering (or caring) that I might have liked to go. My staying home alone serves them best and they all know when I'm home because their doorbell cameras face my house. Technology has made everything worse. Their idea of pay back is bringing me vegetables from their garden or food they just made. Nice gesture but it doesn't make up for having fun once in a while. So these relationships all have to end unless I want to remain their fix-it person for life. I'm ready to move even further away from people at this point. I prefer pets. Somehow they get it!! I'm sure this will help many younger people who are still struggling. I give up.
I'm trying to get myself to recognize the likely C-PTSD and rejection trauma I experienced as a kid. I know this is really heavy, and I apologize, but after my father passed and I showed signs of wanting to grow and explore, my mother said I should have died instead of him; she told me my entire purpose and identity in life was to take care of her. She's gone now, but... yeah. I DO feel lost when I'm not taking care of someone. I DO feel shame when things aren't perfect, because I feel that's my responsibility. And I feel extremely, dangerously vulnerable when depressed, as though my need for help from others is somehow loathsome and a reflection of failure. I'm grateful for videos like this. It helps me internalize the fact that I'm not broken. I deeply appreciate these lessons.
Thank you so much for this. I knew I wasn’t imagining the treatment I experienced. It’s really sad that some of us come from households whereas the parents made sure we had food, clothing, shelter, an education, extracurricular activities and everything we could ever want but felt rejected by our parents. Trying to tell them these things is met with their denial because they did the aforementioned. Thank you for seeing us, rejectees!
I don't need to imagine that. Being autistic (ND) also means it's almost guaranteed you'll get that childhood neglect & rejection, if not from your parents then from society in general.
These are so spot on. Always anticipating rejection from others, avoiding being reliant on other people, saying yes as a reflex rather than if it’s the right thing….. thanks so much for the video!
This is so validating Dr Sage, thank you 🙏 I feel like this is just completely me, to my core and laced through everything I do, past and present. Abandoned, left and repeatedly rejected by my mother ever since, since 8 years old. It makes sense that we would then see every other relationship through this lense for the decades that follow ❤
Yep, this one summed it up good. I didn't feel safe or wanted or cared for much growing up, just constantly got the message that I didn't matter. Scary parents and weird brothers too. What a madhouse it was.
How can I learn to communicate better. I get so hyper focused on what is best for others. I struggle w small talk and conversing in general. I avoid it like the plague because I find so many speak over me, interrupt and are the only ones to be able to talk, and I end up rushing what I have to say because I’m only meant to listen to others. I really don’t know how to adjust this without getting better skills. I feel stunted, stifled, and not important at all. It’s not that I need to feel important, it is just tiresome to always have conversations be the same. I can’t change others and I’m sure it would be a lost cause for some however I still want to be open to what I’m doing wrong here. I hyper focus on offending also and I feel inauthentic to myself even when I can’t speak my own views. I have to be far to agreeable and have become very isolated.
In my case, the thing that did it for me was my Mom divorcing my Dad when I was 4, my Dad getting custody, and then when I was 7 and crying "I want to be with my Mommy" my Dad telling me "she doesn't want you, that's why you're with me". I still remember that moment in clear detail, 41 years later, even down to which street it was, and which part of the street we were on when he told me that (had just passed the firehouse), coming back from the Schwinn shop after buying a Diamond Back BMX bike. Didn't find out that that wasn't true until I was 14, but the damage was done.
It really is amazing how feeling rejection as a child follows a person to adulthood and can become a part of a person's identity. Thanks for the great points on how this shows up in life especially how this can lead to being self reliant!
I felt all these traumas but not with my mother but my older sister… She was mentally and emotionally abusive with me. I was younger than her and my mom put a lot of responsibility so she grew resentment
Same. My sister was abusive. My mother was not consistent or available most of the time. Didn’t have a father who stayed. Was rejected by friends when other people would come around. I'm messed up. I don't know how to fix me.
I just realized a few days ago that I’ve had this. I’ve been working with law of attraction and through the theory of “everyone is you pushed out” I realized every single person in my life has rejected me and then I noticed I’m rejecting people lately to gain some sort of sense of self because my self concept, or self belief system was so damaged. I saw how I’m doing exactly what you said, projecting rejection into every single conversation or interaction I was having. I’m 35 and have almost no childhood memories so it really sucks to have to take responsibility for something I didn’t deserve but that’s been subconsciously running my relationships and keeping me in isolation my whole life. Just like you said at the end, that’s not the way to live and we deserve better. I’ve lacked healthy reciprocity in every relationship my whole life. It was healing to hear the things that help is what I’ve been doing. Challenging those beliefs has helped. But the biggest one is being aware of this and then we can take those baby steps, as you said, to get out of this cycle and change our lives for the better
Youre still young enough to have a fulfilling life so keep at it - Ive been isolating myself since my last relationship with which i didnt think I'd survive -- that was 20 yrs ago and I feel as if I just woke up from a long sleep and am still disoriented. I dont know where to find help since no professional would see me if I mentioned my diagnosos of CPTSD.......
OMG. I completely relate to this. Thank you for shining light. It is me. I was completely rejected by my father even before I was born.He wanted me aborted, left and I never met him. Deep in my subconcious I believe there is something wrong with me. That feeling has been in me my whole life. I am very shy, avoid people and even before watching this video I was feeling through it and self reflecting and you validated that I do have this belief and it stems from my father trauma and it is not my fault. Thank you again. I also have autism symptoms and I think it is related to that partly.
I cannot believe how well you can describe what I feel, see and experience. You have opened my eyes up in way in which I’ve never experienced. This describes me precisely. I currently working through your remothering series. Thank you 🙏🏼 helping me!
WOWWWW... When I listen to you I should have ALL those emotions and for a time I did... I just want to say.... Therapy will help, but being saved and finding Jesus and surrendering to Him will heal ALL this pain and anguish.... God loves us so much....and He will fill that rejection hole and the comfort of His Spirit will restore us, for we were created in His image. Thank you for helping so many with your love and compassion for people. The Lord has blessed you with a special gift. ✝️🙏🏻🇿🇦
Being able to fully heal from those wounds is hard/painful work but it’s possible with God’s help. During the discovery and healing process (trying to pinpoint all the areas were we might need to expose) days could feel like years. Videos like this (when viewed with an open/genuine desire to heal) do help a lot. Thank you Dr. Kim.
I am very aware of my triggers now, as any form of rejection or signs of people being disappointed in me affects me deeply, even though I can explain it to myself as to the reason it happened. First years of childhood were happy and I was fine from the ages of 13 onwards there was a major shift in their attitude towards me. I became known as the black sheep, the trouble maker, the rude/ defiant one, the one whose behaviour was disappointing, I felt mentally bullied and would stand up for myself, so they said I liked to cause problems which wasn’t true at all, but I refused to be bullied. I was also known as the street ángel house devil. I think this was because outside the family I didn’t have to watch my back all the time but when I got home I was very aware I was different to my sister, who just seemed to agree with everything they said. I was desperately trying to find my feet between these ages and whenever I had a differing opinion to them or argued my point or whatever I could feel the displeasure coming across in waves from them. I would only get approval if I did want they wanted or acted the way they wanted, so I was in constant conflict between being myself or who they wanted me to be. It wasn’t until I was 50 and both my parents died that I fully started to try to deal with this and I used escapism via alcohol, people pleasing and always being nice It took 15 years to work through it even though I’ve mostly managed it I still get triggered 😤, so it’s a work in progress.
This is so painful for me...not so much for my own painful childhood, but because I'm sure I carried this trauma stuff into parenting my own children. I thank Gd my daughter who has children seems to have broken the cycle. For myself, I cannot be assertive as often as would be healthy because I still fear rejection or rather the pain triggered by my perception of rejection. One particularly difficult thing for me is that in some cases the very same person who gave me so much goodness may be the same person who ignored/rejected me because of the sad circumstances in which we found ourselves plus the trauma they themselves went through and continued to go through.
This came out at the right time. I needed this. Thank you. I’m praying that I will heal this so stop the cycle and accept love from other and give it back.
Wow. Literaly all of these are me. For me though it was from my peers. The support from my parents saved me a lot. But still I had no friends growing up. I am 59 now and still have no real close friends. All I know is how to be alone. I am working on it though. I do the rejection projection thing too. It is what keeps me from even trying to make friends.
I have gotten so far, to simply remove myself when it just feels, like I'm not being wanted. Learning to verify now. But if it's not convincing enough, I still tend to just disappear. Convinced, that people are better off this way. Staying, will only get them hurt too. Why make the process long and painful? When I can just lock, the monster that I am, back up?
I can relate to this, I don't feel wanted somewhere, I just make my exit and go elsewhere. I would rather be alone than be around people who do not welcome my presence.
so helpful, thank you. i've healed my life immensely over the past 4 years and i have infinitely more self-respect, boundaries and healthy friendships now. but i've been noticing how much trauma, compulsive caretaking and anxiety i still carry in my friendships. it is so frightening to put yourself in intimacy, a space where you allow people to hurt you (or yourself to hurt them), when your perception of safety is still distorted by trauma. i feel disoriented and anxious often. like i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. i guess the flip side is that intimacy does not just cause pain, it's also the path to being truly accepted and loved.
How does one change the Fear Of Intimacy, when your brain is wired to avoid it? How does one ever overcome thus Insecure Attachment? To me its more about changing beliefs, but also getting into everything that was to painful as a child to endure. Maybe its about bringing the unconscious into consciousness. So where does one truly begin? It all seems very confusing.
Great comment! I’m 52 and still on the journey friend. This channel is a good start. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy helped me on my journey. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helped me too. The journey is often ongoing. You can get audiobooks (DBT - look for stuff from Marsha Linehan - she invented it. And remember you are an incredible person to have made it this far 😊
The key is that it takes time, self patience, compassion. The foundation is to establish a feeling of safety. So often, many of us, have had a perpetual fight/flight, and require nervous system regulation as a first step. I do daily activities to help me, yoga, breath work, journaling, sleep meditation. I've pursued my healing journey for years, and it's like layers of an onion (but not so neatly packaged...much more messy). I came across so much "theory" & was even in healthcare, and had the cognitive "ideas", but struggled to apply them. Getting my nervous system calmed, regularly, has been transformative. Cultivating safety. I am so, so careful, about what I let into my orbit. Interactions with people (I'm still in pandemic isolation due to a high needs child), social media, news, being careful of my thought patterns...anything I let in to my space, I am way more mindful of. It all can effect us. I quit drinking alcohol, started eating better, developed better sleep hygiene...these all came into play slowly, after I merely started with a 5 min/day morning yoga. That small step, showing up for myself (which is a huge part of reparenting) was a catalyst to gain traction in other ways. I still have a ways to go, and keep quite to myself...but have had more consistent feelings of peace and safety, then ever before in my life. Every day, I do things to reset my nervous system. It has been the key to it all for me. That foundation, has allowed me to be able to sit with emotions I'd avoid before (through media, overeating, overthinking, alcohol, anything to escape). I still have some avoidance tendencies, but am more aware and can stay present more often. It's a process for sure. We can rewire our brain, after we've done that calming and reset for a while. It's very possible. I wish you healing and deep peace 💫
Thank you for this video... Because I can recognize this very deeply. It took me about 30 years to kinda get over this and open up really to physical/emotional connections with people. In my first relationship(s) with a physical connection/attraction the physical connection could often make me dissociatie or I would get anxious and nervous instead of feeling much of love... Only at very few moments I was able to. But as I was socially anxious and behind in social development (as I never got serious therapy for this, I mainly got treated with meds) the relationship was one where I felt like emotionally numb and very insecure. Slowly gradually I made some improvements on social level and made more friends who would (shockingly) eventually gave me a hug. Slowly I got being somehow used to it. Then when I was about 30 I met my third girlfriend, unfortunately it was a long distance relationship but we have been together in real life for several weeks several times. Finally I was able to have physical contact, not only sexually, and experience it as love. Although still many moments when there was no physical touch or being near I also started scanning for signs of rejection and of course I would find them which made me emotionally withdraw, not only that though, the tendency to scan for rejection made it hard for me to emotionally be available or even worse; I would get suspicious very easily. Compensation coping mechanism; alcohol.... Which of course in the end will work even in the opposite direction of emotional/physical closeness and so that relationship ended; by being completely rejected in any possible way. That's been 5 years ago now and there's been no contact anymore for over a year. That plus the general physical and emotional distancing caused by covid rules now put me in a situation, state of being where I feel I've lost all the progress I thought I had made and makes me feel even worse than before. I even often get stressed when friends are physically or emotionally near cause somehow now the feeling of being emotionally or physically close to someone equals fear of rejection or I feel I'm not worthy enough and I expect I'll mess it up in the end anyway...
Awesome video, that describes how I’ve lived my adult life. As a result, of having been raised by malignant narcissist mother and enabler father. As I learn I’m growing and thriving….figuring out who the authentic me is, then living her.
I definitely have this and didn't even know it was a thing. I was the first child and i remember not being permitted to enter my parent's bedroom and feeling very alone and afraid at night. My parents had more children and divorced when I was 7 and the rest of the kids always wanted to sleep with my mother. I remember thinking they were freaks and I would actually hit my younger sister if she touched me. I simply didn't like being touched. She would do it intentionally, even more to annoy me or to provoke me. I even remember recoiling from my friends in high school if they tried to touch me. I moved past that but now I am like that again since my relationship with a covert narcissist- I am back to not trusting people. Now I know why. Thank you!
I am left with a dilemma; If I believe what you say then at 67 I have lived compensating and not really being human socially. If I don't believe what you say then the only thing that defines me as human is my DNA. As far as your 7 steps.. they are all true and I could add some more. If human psychology has only progressed to this point now.....then how do I account for the last 60 years?
I can relate. Psychology can take it's sweet slow time putting the puzzle pieces together. There's a lot of resistance to changing old theories, and egos. In the 1980s most people didn't believe in ADD. It was only listed as ADHD, and was considered almost exclusively something boys had. Nothing was mentioned regarding Adult Attention Disorder. According to the DSM then, it was insinuated that ADD magically evaporated on a boy's 18th Biryhday. I knew I had it, and I was in my mid-30s. I had to wait 10 years to be diagnosed. 🥱
Yup, I belong no place. If it wasn't for my cats, I don't know what I would do. I realize also that I didn't want my mother to hug me, though she didn't do it a lot. It was ick, even as a child. Something, even very young, was telling me this so called love isn't right.
I stumbled across this video by accident, and wow it describes me to a T! All those years of hardcore suffering- as a child AND as an adult -having to come to terms with it all/recovering. 😮 But I thank the Lord every day for His healing, wisdom and guidance. 🌅💙 Thank you so much lady for helping so many people… ❤️
I recognize myself in this description and validates me that I’m not just making this up. As a born-again Christian, I’m struggling to recover from childhood complex trauma. I have loads of shame and guilt issues, self-condemnation, which get worse if I other Christians tell me that I’m just holding onto the past instead of living it from the newness of life I’ve received (2 Cor 5:17 and Phil 3:13). It makes me extremely anxious and depressed that I’m not being obedient to God. Would you have any tips for me how to walk this path? God bless you 🙏
@@turquoisoul Hello hun, I can relate with you- It’s amazing how poor Christian’s respond to our pain and suffering. I’ve been there many times and it’s like a slap in your face which exacerbates the problem. I don’t know if you feel the same but I always wanted someone, anyone at the church,to take me under their wing and nurture me (just so I could feel strong inside again) but it never happened. I honestly think it was because I came across as strong (but really felt very weak and desperate) and learned to wear a mask to see me through. Please, please don’t feel anxious or depressed that you’re not being obedient to the Lord, just because they throw scriptures at you. You’ve been through enough so don’t do that to yourself. They do it because they’re clueless about your deep pain and scars/wounds, or don’t want to help or don’t even care (I’m talking from experience). It’s the same with non believers. The only one who really knows you intimately, loves you unconditionally and understands you completely, and wants to help is the Lord Himself! It’s the evil one that loves to dance on the tune of shame, guilt and condemnation- bringing you into bondage. INSTEAD! INSTEAD, stay very close to Jesus, which is literally what His word says to do anyway. I’m serious, for you to feel safe, secure and at peace in your life Is to stay close to Him. By this I mean, before you go anywhere, or if you’ve arranged to meet someone, pray and ask God to give you wisdom about that person, ask for the right words in response to them. Even for His strength to get there! 😄 Tell HIM EVERYTHING! Every little detail of your life, what you are feeling, your fears, how you feel about a person, EVERYTHING! He wants to hear, he loves to hear, so He can help and heal you. He is gentle, compassionate, plus Galatian’s 5.22-23. “Come to ME all you who labor and are heavy laden, And I will give YOU rest. 29 Take My yolk upon you And learn from ME, For I AM gentle and lowly in heart, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For MY yolk is easy and MY burden is light. Matthew 11.28-30. Isaiah 26.3 YOU will keep him/ her in perfect peace who’s mind is stayed on thee, Because he/her trusts in YOU. Proverbs 3.5-6 TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART And lean not on your own understanding; In ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM And HE shall direct your paths. 1 Peter 5.7 Cast ALL your cares on the Lord, For He CARES FOR YOU. Romans 10.12 The Lord is rich to all who call upon Him. James 4.8. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Also Philippians 4.6 Hebrews 4.16 Genesis 35.3 Hebrews 11.6 And many more. Read His word as if your life depends on it because His word heals and delivers. Gradually, slowly, and before you know it you are a completely changed strong person ( which is what He first intended you to be) Meditate on it- if you practice to do that- it’s life changing. This has took me years to learn, and rest assured, if you truly do believe in Him and love Him it’s a win win situation all the way as He IS WITH YOU! If there are any questions I’m willing to answer them. Blessings to you . 🌅
Rejection 1 - I was an unplanned child and thus unwanted, doctors and relatives told to abort and why would you want another girl child again but my parents still chose of have me - I’m thankful for that. 2. Rejected - for being deep skinned as relatives chose to entertain my better looking sister and play with her only 3. Major one - around 7-9 age group of kids rejected to play with me as I was deep skinned and called me name that ‘who would play with her’ - this put a scar on my soul 4. Best friend with whom I grew up with since kindergaden rejected me for new friends when I was 12. Said to others in front of me let alone best friend I didn’t even consider her a friend, broke my heart And then the rejections followed in number of other ways Ever since that I keep it to myself my heart and put out strong face and is always isolate
I feel scared that my Narcissist boyfriend rejects me. Because then I have the need to go to his house to please him. Just to have peace. But when he is in the good mood I can stay without him and at peace in my home. I don’t even miss him much. Maybe I miss only the man I created on my mind I guess. He said that to me. That he can’t be this man I created in my mind and that he will not change. Maybe he is right because I completely trusted him in the beginning until I found out that he lies so much like it’s normal. If he tells something you don’t know when he is telling the true if you don’t know the truth you believe in everything he says. It’s so exhausted to be rejected by him. And when he give me “ love” I don’t believe it” . I don’t trust in what he says. Because one day he treat me badly , even break up almost every week/ month or threatened me of leaving 1 ou 2 days later he talks about marry me. He says: if you love me you marry me” . I panic and want to walk away from the conversation.
What happen when this grows into adult with corvert avoidance with cptsd trauma? When I was a kid I needed hugs. When I was adult I still can't hug my mom. This stop my whole life in all relationships and trust issue with almost every one.
I have this, it has become better, but I still have this "reverse logic", where I actually think I deserve love but I don't receive it, so I must be unloveable. My therapist(s) all have asked me "why don't you deserve love/what makes you so unloveable?" and I have no answer, I think I am an okay person, but love just isn't a part of my life, so there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.
I’m grateful for online information like this, but very frustrated that all it does is raise awareness -- there's no help. Quality trauma focused therapy is very difficult to find, and given that in-demand therapists never accept insurance, equally difficult to afford. I and my issues are essentially f***ed. I get to live out my life with the fallout of a nightmarish first 20 years.
I have such a fear of rejection that I've been (apart from a few short and challenging relationships) always been single - all of my 57 years. My mom and dad had a mental illness, and my older brother was slapped as a child when he showed me love. So he ignored and rejected me to the point that he wouldn't talk to me, sit next to me, and shy away when we had physical contact, for instance, when our hands touched while I passed the salt across the table. I genuinely think that no one likes to be near me, not even my cat, although he will get on my lap. Currently, I'm on a waiting list to get treatment at a facility that specializes in avoidant personality disorder. I truly hope this will work because I'm not living, just surviving.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You are important. That is not right. I have had cats my whole life and your cat getting on your lap shows you that he or she likes you so please embrace that. Believe me if cats don’t like somebody they won’t come near you lol. I hope everything works out for you❤
I think alot of people experience some sort of rejection in their lives. I have experienced alot of rejection in childhood and adult life. I spent alot of energy and time to win over people. Basically to have them like and accept me. This caused me grief, when i was pushed away. It did create a negativity about myself where I was hypersensitive. Now I'm older I'm not interested in whether someone likes me . I like isolating, and don't like having people around me. My tolerance level is low for people I feel good now. I don't want others issues and troubles.
😮once again Dr Sage you have nailed it....describing my life traits so precisely. There is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone and I truly hope others suffering these characteristics find peace and acceptance.
Oh my god I feel so seen. I related to every single one of these and it wreaks havoc in my intimate relationships.... Despite me trying my hardest to keep it under control. The one where you are always assuming the worst is something that I do and causes the most upset with my partner. He takes it as a personal insult.
This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my UA-cam channel 10 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,964 subs and > 2k hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.
I wont ask a woman out. I feel the rejection befods it happens. I feel she will not be happy and leave. I end up going out with broken people. Even as bad as a alcoholic.
I really relate to so many of these comments.. after years of this, i actually don’t care to put myself out there anymore. I’m happier with the three people i can trust than being in groups of people who don’t really let me in. I’d rather be alone.
To anyone reading this also remember Jesus Christ loves you so much, dont give up give your life to Him and you will have a Peace that nobody can give you💕💕💕💕
Rejection is a powerful tool used by pathological narcs (even at a very young age) to inflict ego traumas on their victims. If you have a child who is being subjected to this 'Rejection Abuse", then you need to get that kid into a better environment. And if you have a kid who is abusing others in this way, it is an enormous red flag for a deep seated problem with that kid, I think it's an early red flag for what could later become devastating NPD in that person.
My twin sister gets more attention, and it shows. And I can compare it to FB. I'm not allowed home, because they said I ruined their thanksgiving. I only allowed home twice a year. Now I just don't go home
@@suzyq-ll3sw No, that’s true - you sure can’t. But sometimes we wish we could! I can’t imagine treating family that way. I hope you have some good friends around you. 💕
I've bad childhood trauma. Sexually abused, felt worthless all my life. When you live with rejection everyday that you're not wanted, you're worthless, It makes just life miserable for kids. I'm 23 currently learning more about why I'm the way I'm and most of my struggles in life have direct link to my childhood traumas.
Fuuuuk 20 seconds in you already got me really.. wow . Okay so get this I was homeless and trying so hard to get off the streets , lost my hisband (died) and kids due to losing my home and home (fake landlord scam) all in 1 month and no joke I developed this. I tried to seek mental help never got it.. tried to get off the streets I got door slammed after door slammed after door slam to the point I stopped trying anymore .. now I find myself sticking to my self not talking to people anymore and really stuck with this inside pain they goes away somedays but sits way to heavy others... never in my life did I actually see this being a cause to my trauma but now listing to this.. I have it...
I find it so hard to be emotionally available for my kids when I myself are not so emotionally intelligent...I'm trying but it's hard! I look for rejection in everything. So I don't ask for my needs.
My mother never had no active interest in me as a child or adult i was treated like a inconvenience and problem if i wanted to show her something she would always follow through with the following line what ever it is hurry up in aggrieve angry voice it was never a case of her being busy she just couldn't be bothered with me it took me to my early 40s to realize my mother was a narcissist offend in life we don't want to accept the reality of things so we will tell our self story's in are mind as a form of emotional soothing but at the same time this is reality bypassing
Hi, it is not only rejection that is avoided: I think not being accepted, can stem from time economics. People that already have their social friends and circle and extended family, simply do not have time to take another person in to their circle. In fact if that person is too different, let's say racially, they figure why bother, because in fact they could be less acceptable in their group, and then they can face rejection, or otherwise awkwardness. Many give up and work on themselves. Things may improve from having more resources in the future. God Bless.
Rejection is ALWAYS Personal - if no one likes that initial look of you they're NEVER going to want you. I should know - I've been rejected by women all my life. It may be possible for some to develop a "thick skin" but not me ! My soul is bruised with the memory of all the women I wanted. I last asked a woman out about 10 years ago - she said no - so I gave up ! It's so easy for (so many) women on the internet to pontificate on meeting people - they're usually in good relationships themselves or married.
Percisely me, except I read 200 self help books at 21 because I could see a negative reaction any time I told my horrible disastrous childhood story. In my studies, I realized 2 things, 1 is no one cared to listen to my sad tale, and 2. I must have been seeking validation, sympathy, empathy. I realized my self esteem was damaged. After all my reading I had a list of 20 positive attributes I wanted to adopt. I put that list in my wallet for 20 years, I took it out anytime I had to wait. As that abused only child, I didn't allow my drunkard mother, to keep my SELF inside that negative space. I was 20 by then, 1 child in tow. Returned to abusive husband 5 years later, another drunk, left pregnant 5 months later. A few years later I met a sexy Frenchman, score, right? 2 kids followed while I was the bread winner. All this while I took care of my mother and even bought her a condo, paid her bills, still had screaming arguments occasionally which I deplored, but I took care of her until she died after 13 years bedridden at my house. I has invented sculptured nails, travelled all around the country to teach/sell the acrylic formula, I later had stores and salons, sold franchisees, ran 6 conventions a year in the mail industry until I sold my shows for a pretty penny. Took 2 kids around the world, 13 countries, never realizing until later that my husband had been sitting with his feet propped in the desk at one of my shops. After a brief separation I returned for the 2 youngest, have him money for his dream restaurant which he never made a dime in profit, and finally realized when the kids were gone, I would still be taking care of a child. My children have told at least one shrink they had a fairytale children filled with barn yard animals, horses, rabbits, goats, chickens even peacocks, and I was proud of myself UNTIL they ask grew up, got married, fairytale Cinderella wedding for my daughter, of course, but 30 years later, when they didn't need me, my money or my services, one by one, they all walked away with their own lives, excluded me almost naturally, then shunned me due to religion or politics or because they married a sick narcissist sociopath psychopath who was was raped for 10 years by her father from age 6 to 16, was 29 while my 22 year old son was ripe for her sexual prowess, his brain not fully developed. BOOM, she brainwashed him to hate me for no reason. I don't even know the reasons. Just slice and dice me within 3 months, from us being best friends as my youngest and in real estate business together, to either SLICE & DICE INSULTS or accusations purely created in her head, while she was all smiles at me the few times I saw her. Not a sour word, but she wasn't about to allow him to be 50% of his life as he had told us both. 10 years have passed since his insanity rage on a New York freeway where we almost died. He set my bags on the curb and walked away. I knew I would never see him again. That was an ANOMALY, but 4 out of 4, two others because, I had chosen a divorce, then alone in my cabin studied religion and thereby supported going to their church, the 4th demanded I make the other two leave the church, and with his unique rage problem which put his kids and wife through hell, I refused to go there to be abused, he said because I was Mormon and he'd made up his own religion, he didn't want me around his children. Basically, indeed, I didn't find much value in dating, was depressed and decided my life, other than publishing a book, THE LAST SNAPSHOT, I would live my time as a lone traveler, started a 501c3 www.worldwideorphanages.com, have visited 64 countries and counting, but I cannot understand how, well I do actually ( I created narcissists) 4 of 4 could all find a reason to keep me away from their children. So, of all my success I live alone with a couple texts a week and have been robbed of being a grandmother. I could have had a visit from 1 or 2 of 13 each year, so I wouldn't be lonely, but no. I could have and offered often to take a grandchild somewhere, no! Like I had the plague because of religion, politics and especially TRUMP, that lying PHYCOPATH! Its not like I offended them, i never opened my mouth, unless they asked me to engage, indeed, i try very hard to never annoy then, as i learned in childhood. What good can arguing do, then they would have at least a reason. It feels more like they felt they couldn't compete, so they shunned me, avoided me, so they wouldn't be reminded that they weren't very good parents, or perhaps they simply felt no need for me when their needs i could meet, like cars, college, loans, travel, help was not needed any longer i had no value, so why waste time in me? That in fact, after all ther chain breaking i did, takes me right back to the rejection in childhood. Alone at 76, and only 4 little ones left, which I will never get to have for a visit because of Trump this time, it's highly depressing, disheartening, inexplicable, and indeed is clearly REJECTION... just what I would never have expected. I thought my brutal childhood was enough abuse for one lifetime, i gave them the childhood i dreamed of. And much more! YOU SAY RECIPROCITY and I cry out with tears that no longer produce liquid. I am beginning to understand that hate us beginning to take the place of all that love I thought I would enjoy. I understand what happened to my mother. I cannot accept what my children have chosen for my fate. So, all that's left is hateful POETRY and my studioi time where i sing heartbreaking songs about dead dreams which I post on my unknown UA-cam channel Marilyn Morningstar author on UA-cam. I hope something happens to me that gives me another reason to live, like maybe a producer picks up my novel for a movie, or I find a spokesperson for my orphanages so I can live and love those children. I am heading out to Ukraine 28th, maybe I will find another reason to live. WITHOUT LOVE THERE IS NOTHING. ❤😢😮❤
When you talked about feeling rejection in certain scenarios, I started remembering events that happened around my classmates and friends. Is it possible to have rejection trauma due to mostly peer influence when you live in a loving home?
I had a rich Fantasy Life as a kid. My dad later berated me for it. I'm excited to get my DBT workbook in the mail tomorrow and begin working through it. 😊
I check all seven boxes in my 50s. Through somatic therapy, I’ve learned be consciously aware of them. But sometimes I’m just on autopilot and reacting to present life through a traumatized lens.
I'm trying to learn that unless someone has actively and directly said or done something to me, then it is not rejection. Sometimes our minds carry us away to conclusions that are just not true.
So true i also face sometimw
This just happened to me. In my head, this man I went on a date with is rejecting me, but he has not said as much nor eluded to it. I guess it makes it easier in my head if I go with the rejection story and move on.
I found this video very helpful. I have struggled with rejection trauma ever since I was separated from my father when I was five. I'm now 61. Nowhere before have I come across someone who has described the issue so well. Thank you.
Rationally I understand that. But it doesn't make a lasting difference because I can't rely on that experience. My imprint will always say the next situation will be one of rejection.
Many people HAVE done or said it though. Specifically romantically or even as friends. We’re talking even legal threats. This isn’t just in my head.
I think such rejection traumas can also come from outside the home, from the betrayal of trust from peers and friends. You expect a certain reciprocity from a friend as well, a feeling of safety, of mutual interest, but when childhood friends pull that rug out from under you and betray your trust, I see a similar emotional response can result. Loss of trust in others, loss of belief that you are worthy, constant self-reflection on why you must be defective.
Yes this is my experience as well.
Dang very accurate.
agreed
when our parents have done this or siblings or other relatives then we can also attract those type of people in our lives or bring that out in people
This happened to me in sixth grade on the playground with like 3 days left in the school year. Had a huge fight with my best friend of 6 years and our whole friend group. Ended up getting the principal and other parents involved and transferring schools. Didn’t realize how broken it left me until college really
This is all me! I have complete "DISBELIEF" if someone likes me or shows any interest in me because it seems "ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!!" If someone shows the slightest interest in me I kind of shut down, freeze and panic all at once because I cannot handle at all the thought of someone liking me. If feels unbelievably uncomfortable. I guess that's why I've been single almost my entire life because being close to someone makes me fall to pieces. Really good insights here!
♥️
Me, too! I can only believe it if it’s someone who’s totally inappropriate for me. I finally met and married a wonderful man, but I was too screwed up to be able to reciprocate and he passed away and now I’m left with the regret. I’m trying to forgive the adults in my life for how badly they screwed me up, but it’s not easy. I love them, but still… Have you ever tried to make a list of your good qualities or of things that you’ve accomplished in your life? I actually did that a few nights ago and it was very interesting. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could and it was kind of an eye-opening exercise. Good luck to you and I hope that you can find enough compassion and self love that you can actually believe that a good person could love you. I’m sorry that so many of us have to go through this. What a shame. Take care. 💕
Same. I have complete disbelief someone to like me for me and not what I can do or give them.
Everything you said is spot on for me that I have been going through my 38 years of life. I have felt empty alone depressed. I have a father that never supported me with anything. I don't have confidence within myself. I have never dated or kissed a woman and I don't go around messing with women's feelings because to me it's messed up and I don't a woman to do that to me. I would love to be in a relationship with a woman someday but I feel like I am losing hope. I hate feeling this way
@@Nick84525She’s out there. Don’t lose hope. 😊
I got all 7. I'm diagnosed with CPTSD. I was rejected from birth. I've made it to 70, all messed up but I'm content now in my own world. Atleast I know what's been the problem all along.
Am rejected all my life. I have finished college and I am working. My family has all out rejected me
I love your name ❤
@@justfasboo1281 thank you no one ever said that to me !
I am 57 and going through the same thing. I very much agree with what you wrote. It's the same here. It's nice to know we are not alone, though I hate that this is a global problem. Thank you for writing what you wrote, and I wish you the best.
I'm 40, my mom had postpartum depression and dad was never around. I'm learning not to sabotage my relationship. And having compassion for myself. I also tell myself it's not my fault. What my parents went thru. I'm worthy and I'm the biggest love of my life. Church and God has helped me alot.
But still healing , is hard.
Unfortunately, people get parented incorrectly and then they just keep passing it on through the generations. I’m glad I decided by the age of 13 that I never wanted to have children and I never changed my mind. I’m in my 60s and still working on myself! Parents have no idea how much damage they can do. thank you for this video! I’m sorry that it resonates with so many people. 💕
Kudos to you for realizing the impact parents can have and refusing to pass on any negativity to other young minds and hearts. I am 53 and still working on myself as well. Although I never made the conscious decision, I have not had children either. I think I realized I was simply not emotionally mature enough to parent somebody. However, I have considered adopting a teenager from the foster system when I feel responsible and mature enough.
It makes one wonder just how common this damage to souls is. We seem to be coming out of hiding in droves.🤔😔
@@bcburt2000 I used to think about fostering a child as well, but I ended up teaching and tutoring ESL and I used to be kind of a mentor to my students, and I also tutored four teenage boys who had absolutely no family in the US, so I ended up kind of parenting them for a while. It was a great experience and I recently reconnected with one of them after 30 years. I hope I can find the others because I loved them all. That’s very kind of you to think of doing that. There are so many kids out there that have no support. Take care of yourself and I hope that works out for you. 💕
@@whitebirchtarotwhat wonderful and impactful experiences you have had. And thank you for the encouragement.
@@bcburt2000 You’re welcome! And yes I’ve been lucky enough to have some really good experiences in life, but also some really bad ones. Maybe they balance each other out. 😊😢
A guy I was least interested in blocked me suddenly and it triggered me. I don't know why. I didn't even fancy him. He's almost a stranger but the rejection has suddenly triggered something in me. This happened previously as well when a complete stranger kicked me out of an online audio chat room after being friendly. In both cases, the common denominator I found was being misunderstood and rejected without giving me a chance to explain/understand. That triggered me.
It’s based on experience. I’ve been rejected so many times specifically in relationships that every time some thing seems to be potentially working out, I just wait until the rejection hits. And it almost always done. Almost fourteen years of this. It’s real people.
DON'T be RE-active----be PRO-active.Don't "wait" for people to reject you--you already KNOW it's coming,everytime you encounter someone.So,DON'T wait--just reject them,before they reject you,by isolating yourself from them.DON'T engage.It is not productive.Just go on and live YOUR life.You don't need anyone,trust me.
I used to self-sabotage the same way. Even if I KNEW a relationship with someone would not work out, I stayed with them. I managed to turn it around and cut people out the moment I smell trouble. I stayed because part of me hoped they would change. No one that treated me badly ever changed.
When I first went to collage, a guy in my dorm said I was an enigma. I didn't know what that meant and when I looked it up I felt ashamed that he was so right. I'm now in my 50's and I spent a lifetime distancing from people and deliberately not letting them know who I really am, often abandoning them before they get too close in an effort to protect myself from being betrayed or abandoned by them first.
My dad was stoic and emotionally distant. My mom was a narcissist who would alternately say that she loved me then take any and all information I gave her about myself (what I was doing, thinking, feeling, etc.) and weaponize it to cut me down emotionally. I grew up being so confused about what love really means and to this day I still feel like I can't trust anyone.
I do have friends from college and work, but I've never been in the "inner circle" - I've always only been a satellite, revolving around other people or groups (and focusing on them more than they do me).
I'm a loner and I do often really enjoy being alone, but sometimes I wish I could have (or could figure out how to) found a really good life partner who I could trust and with whom I could be vulnerable and then I get really depressed in the realization that I will likely die alone.
it`s crazy how I can relate to you
I'm about your age with a very similar story. I, too, was told I was an enigma in college or just after. It must have been a trendy pickup line at the time if we both got it. To me it felt like an odd word to use and manipulative, i.e. an attempt to get me to drop my boundaries and become a vulnerable sex object, which I still think it was. But I agree at the time I also felt shamed by it.
I used to fear dying alone, but the events of the last 3 years give me hope and convinced me I'll never die at all, but will be raptured by Christ. The signs the Bible tells us to look for are accumulating rapidly!
@@cherylmockotr Die with Christ, rise with Christ
Ditto!🥺
Changing core beliefs might be difficult but its possible i think ,or hope :) wish you luck
I had everything materially, good home, nice toys, clothes, holidays, but I was never; hugged, kissed, held, told I was loved, felt loved or knew how to approach anyone for love. Criticism was the norm for me. I am 67 now and have two children both adults. They were loved, cared for, hugged, kissed, appreciated. I have fostered children too and now realise I was trying to undo what was done to me. My mother is 95 now and I can't bring myself to hug or kiss her. As for a new relationship, I would struggle to believe anyone could like me enough to stay! I had three long term relationships including one marriage, and they all cheated multiple times. Best stay single, I can't go through the pain again.
My father left within weeks of being born and my mother blamed me because I ruined her life. I completely relate to the deep loneliness that you speak about and have lived in survival all my life. Am so exhausted
It really is Sooo exhausting! If others only knew how hard we try.💟
it is exhausting which is why its such a relief to be home and alone to finally relax
Am so exhausted me too.
No, she chose that partner, she chose to have a child. You never asked to be here, to deal with any of this BS, much less to be brought into such a dysfunctional, painful situation. She sounds like a narcissist.
@@EMILYHERRERA you’re right, definitely a narcissist who believes she’s the victim, but it seems I’m to blame for everything. The ripple effect that this causes is tremendous pain and sorrow. Getting your head around it is a very difficult, arduous and exhausting because you can’t make these people love you
This is a 100 percent me. I am 57 years old and single and lonely. Only time I can let my guard down is when drinking. I can not even hold on to a job. Had one relationship.
Can you afford some kind of therapy? Often times there are places that will work on a sliding fee scale. You deserve better! I wish you well. 💕
Alcohol is a crutch. Be careful.
@@spriggy4382 I agree. And a very dangerous one at that. There are many kinds of crutches and, when you finally find out you’ve been using one, you can turn around and realize that you’ve wasted the best years of your life. And the thing is, you can’t get them, or the ones you loved, back. Believe me, you don’t want that.
@@whitebirchtarot Been to counseling off and on for years. Not one therapist ever caught on I had trauma. I just recently discovered this myself as for the reasons I do what I do. All of my fears are trauma based
I had issues with some substance abuse too that I sort of recently overcame!
So far so good. 🤞🏼
My advice so far is find a hobby or skill you are passionate about and focus on THAT!
Anytime u get an urge to use… redirect yourself and focus on your goals in life. And drink organic or non gmo seltzers or something to replace it… works for me. ESP at parties… I need seltzers so I don’t get tempted lol
I always tell myself “dont harm yourself bc others are uneducated a**sholes” when the pain flares up lol
Love myself and show up for myself and my goals and dreams … if nobody else will love me I WILL.
lol stuff like that helps me … certain “self talk” so far it’s working.
Today I was tempted and I was like “no… I’ve come this far… can’t go back… get a seltzer” lmao
I used to use it to numb the pain (it actually made it worse In the long run) but now I’m dealing with the pain when it flares up and taking action steps every day to make changes and see if I can manifest my dreams/goals and keep that my focus
It’s hard sometimes still but I’m happier now than I was when I was wasting my life using substances too much. At least I’m getting closer to my goals and making changes now that I wasn’t able to do as much when I was over using substances. Only so much time and can’t waste it anymore but like Iron Maiden says “dont worry about the wasted years… face it, take your stand. Realize ur living in the golden years”
In moderation a little organic alcohol (wine has resveratrol) or weed (thc is an antioxidant & neuroprotective) is fiiiine but personally I’m taking a loooooong break bc I was overdoing it. Maybe one day I’ll enjoy in moderation.
I do have a liver regeneration video and lung detox if anyone needs that and YES ive regenerated a cats liver in real life and detoxed lungs too. Got pics of the lung detox from myself (Maryjane) and a friend who had polyester resin damage.
Rants over… felt like leaving this for anyone else struggling with substance abuse. I’m off them all now and hoping to stay this way for a loooooong time but in my opinion True recovery is if I can enjoy in moderation one day. Not be controlled by it bc I’m in pain.
Would it be possible for you to do a video covering the effects of frequent moving/relocation during childhood?
I experienced the aforementioned rejection trauma on top of moving every 6 months to 1 year until age 18.
I’m 26 now. No long term friends. No history with anyone or anywhere. I barely know how to socialize even tho I desperately want to.
I’ve been working minimum wage “background character” jobs, lacked the self esteem to pursue higher education beyond my GED. I could go on and on. I have an older sibling with all the same problems. We both feel hopeless sometimes
I hope you’re teaching other therapists about CPTSD, Dr. Sage. I literally have been to 20 therapists over the last 40 years, trying to explain / understand what was going on with me, and you nail it. Putting a name to it was the start of my recovery. I tend to attract people with narcissistic tendencies (because familiar), but can spot and avoid them right away now. I’ve gotten all the selfish self absorbed people out of my life now, and have no regrets. Thank you so much for what you do!
What are some of the biggest red flags for narcissistic tendencies, if I may ask? My father is a narcissist & I don’t want to date anyone now, bc of the fear they’ll turn out like him and reject me over and over. I’ve had that happen in 2 past relationships and it’s so hard.
The worst for me is that I go into every encounter naively optimistic, and have suffered a ton of actual real rejection.
It's one thing working on feeling less deeply when I'm rejected or working on negative bias when I think I am - like physical gut wrenching ache - but knowing how to deal with rejection trauma while you're actually being rejected is the most difficult. People who use me, betray me, only 'fangirl' me, are 'nice' until the need to be is done, or seem like they're becoming a real friend then they disappear..... I have so much love to give yet seem to repel people!
I've spent a lifetime being 'strong' and I've healed a lot of childhood wounds, but this one is tough because as I say, there are real rejections in place. With this wound I am actually in a worse place mentally/emotionally then I've ever been because the rejections in the last few years have been one after the other. It's a lot to take. Lots of people talk about perceived rejection but those of us with this trauma also need help when we deal with real rejection.
Do any of you lack memories being touched, hugged, held, kissed, cuddled, or patted on the head by your mom? I can't remember one time any of these things happened. I can't figure out if that means I was never touched. But if most people can't remember these things it might suggest they did happen and I just can't remember it.
Hi Nancy. I cannot remember being hugged, kissed or held by my mother either. She said she didn’t want me when I was born. I sat on the couch once when I was little and cried. I asked her if she even loved me. My question enraged her and she became extremely sarcastic and started mocking me. It’s a scar that has followed me my whole life. I’m 55 now. Never married. No children. And I’ve even been in therapy for years and years. The rejection trauma has never healed for me. Sending you a virtual hug!
As an 8 year old, I pointed out to my mother that I noticed all the other kids in my fourth grade were being touched and patted and sitting on knees of parents. Mom looked like I had called her out for something she sort of was aware of. I wanted affection, and I obviously wasn't getting it. Mom looked guilt-ridden and said her parents stopped touching her when she turned 5 years old. She awkwardly tried to approach and touch me and I rejected her. I was throwing the rejection back in her face because I didn't know how to accept it, plus I was giving her what she had been giving me all my little life: nothing, rejection,coldness. Things went back to "normal". Rejection, I ashamed her for existing. My very existence was a stain on her. I'm 70 now. I managed to get a master's degree in Clinical Psychology in my 30's, but I am still as dysfunctional as ever I have been. I remember back to toddler age. I was psychologically distorted pretty much from the very beginning. Many of us are tragedies.
@@SDsearcher Interesting that my mother would mock me and be sarcastic and laugh at me. She also got very angry. She and my much older half-sister would point at me laughing hysterically. I grew up in a house of sadists. My mother was very well educated. Duke University, Stanford, UC Berkeley. So she wasn't stupid. But she created a deformed psyche for me and probably my brother and half-sisters. I got it the worst of them. 😢
@@lornahuddleston1453 I can't resist coincidences. You and I are the same age. With have Huddlestons in our close family. Not from Oklahoma, are you?
@@SDsearcher This is awful. My heart bleeds for you.
The one who give me the most rejection feeling is my MOTHER, sometime i feel that i hate ger but now i'm kinda more adult and just understand that it's not my fault, it's not me who never not enough, but it was all my mother who too controlling and manipulating.. I love her as my mother, but i now i must make a boundaries and keep distance from her
I already knew I had this trauma of course, but it has never been so eloquently and perfectly put that I have that deep, DEEP loneliness and I literally have an emotional breakdown every couple months over loneliness. It’s so hard to shake cuz I moved to another country alone in my early twenties and community is just harder to find. But it’s also good ole trauma. Thanks for not just explaining these things but always offering ways to deal with/resolve it so we don’t have to feel so stuck ❣️
I also moved to another country at 21. I can relate❤
I completely understand this. Feel with internal family systems therapy and lots of Journaling and energy treatment.. finally feel the light
Thanks so much for this one. I am in my 70's and I have always been a loner. Thirty-five years ago I stopped looking for relationships of any kind. I always felt like they were a "duty" and they were, because I never knew how to approach people I really wanted to date, nor could I believe they would want me. So I let people choose me and then felt guilty when I couldn't care about them. You are very right about providing utilitarian value to people. I can do a lot of things and with one exception my relationships are service oriented. I have no idea how to become the person they go on vacation with and probably wouldn't be comfortable in many of the social situations they take for granted. Still it hurts when my neighbors text me from some fun event and ask if I can walk their dog because they will be home late, never considering (or caring) that I might have liked to go. My staying home alone serves them best and they all know when I'm home because their doorbell cameras face my house. Technology has made everything worse. Their idea of pay back is bringing me vegetables from their garden or food they just made. Nice gesture but it doesn't make up for having fun once in a while. So these relationships all have to end unless I want to remain their fix-it person for life. I'm ready to move even further away from people at this point. I prefer pets. Somehow they get it!! I'm sure this will help many younger people who are still struggling. I give up.
Seems like my childhood was decent. I’m wondering if this rejection trauma could have come from school years especially high school years?
I'm trying to get myself to recognize the likely C-PTSD and rejection trauma I experienced as a kid. I know this is really heavy, and I apologize, but after my father passed and I showed signs of wanting to grow and explore, my mother said I should have died instead of him; she told me my entire purpose and identity in life was to take care of her.
She's gone now, but... yeah. I DO feel lost when I'm not taking care of someone. I DO feel shame when things aren't perfect, because I feel that's my responsibility. And I feel extremely, dangerously vulnerable when depressed, as though my need for help from others is somehow loathsome and a reflection of failure.
I'm grateful for videos like this. It helps me internalize the fact that I'm not broken. I deeply appreciate these lessons.
I have been rejected by everyone including relatives. I wasn’t given a chance. Relatives even mocked me and laughed at me.
Same with me
Same here.
for real i am currently weeping tears while watching this... I'm so tired of being always rejected
Thank you so much for this. I knew I wasn’t imagining the treatment I experienced. It’s really sad that some of us come from households whereas the parents made sure we had food, clothing, shelter, an education, extracurricular activities and everything we could ever want but felt rejected by our parents. Trying to tell them these things is met with their denial because they did the aforementioned. Thank you for seeing us, rejectees!
I don't need to imagine that. Being autistic (ND) also means it's almost guaranteed you'll get that childhood neglect & rejection, if not from your parents then from society in general.
These are so spot on. Always anticipating rejection from others, avoiding being reliant on other people, saying yes as a reflex rather than if it’s the right thing….. thanks so much for the video!
Interesting handle…is that what it’s called? “The Scapegoat Club”……I’m a member 💔💔😭😔. Hope you’re practicing lots of self care.
This is my story as mature adult its very lonely place
This is so validating Dr Sage, thank you 🙏 I feel like this is just completely me, to my core and laced through everything I do, past and present. Abandoned, left and repeatedly rejected by my mother ever since, since 8 years old. It makes sense that we would then see every other relationship through this lense for the decades that follow ❤
Yep, this one summed it up good. I didn't feel safe or wanted or cared for much growing up, just constantly got the message that I didn't matter. Scary parents and weird brothers too. What a madhouse it was.
How can I learn to communicate better. I get so hyper focused on what is best for others. I struggle w small talk and conversing in general. I avoid it like the plague because I find so many speak over me, interrupt and are the only ones to be able to talk, and I end up rushing what I have to say because I’m only meant to listen to others. I really don’t know how to adjust this without getting better skills. I feel stunted, stifled, and not important at all. It’s not that I need to feel important, it is just tiresome to always have conversations be the same. I can’t change others and I’m sure it would be a lost cause for some however I still want to be open to what I’m doing wrong here. I hyper focus on offending also and I feel inauthentic to myself even when I can’t speak my own views. I have to be far to agreeable and have become very isolated.
I’m 40, and I’m trying to live cured from this feeling.
I absolutely believe I deserve active rejection. I think it's the theme of my life.
In my case, the thing that did it for me was my Mom divorcing my Dad when I was 4, my Dad getting custody, and then when I was 7 and crying "I want to be with my Mommy" my Dad telling me "she doesn't want you, that's why you're with me". I still remember that moment in clear detail, 41 years later, even down to which street it was, and which part of the street we were on when he told me that (had just passed the firehouse), coming back from the Schwinn shop after buying a Diamond Back BMX bike. Didn't find out that that wasn't true until I was 14, but the damage was done.
It really is amazing how feeling rejection as a child follows a person to adulthood and can become a part of a person's identity. Thanks for the great points on how this shows up in life especially how this can lead to being self reliant!
I felt all these traumas but not with my mother but my older sister… She was mentally and emotionally abusive with me. I was younger than her and my mom put a lot of responsibility so she grew resentment
Same. My sister was abusive. My mother was not consistent or available most of the time. Didn’t have a father who stayed. Was rejected by friends when other people would come around. I'm messed up. I don't know how to fix me.
I just realized a few days ago that I’ve had this. I’ve been working with law of attraction and through the theory of “everyone is you pushed out” I realized every single person in my life has rejected me and then I noticed I’m rejecting people lately to gain some sort of sense of self because my self concept, or self belief system was so damaged. I saw how I’m doing exactly what you said, projecting rejection into every single conversation or interaction I was having. I’m 35 and have almost no childhood memories so it really sucks to have to take responsibility for something I didn’t deserve but that’s been subconsciously running my relationships and keeping me in isolation my whole life. Just like you said at the end, that’s not the way to live and we deserve better. I’ve lacked healthy reciprocity in every relationship my whole life. It was healing to hear the things that help is what I’ve been doing. Challenging those beliefs has helped. But the biggest one is being aware of this and then we can take those baby steps, as you said, to get out of this cycle and change our lives for the better
Good gosh I can relate to your comment 99%!!!
Wow, I have exactly the same experience. Sending much love and hugs ❤
Hey Samantha. I’m 40 and have almost no childhood memories either and am dealing with the same thing. You’re not alone
Youre still young enough to have a fulfilling life so keep at it - Ive been isolating myself since my last relationship with which i didnt think I'd survive -- that was
20 yrs ago and I feel as if I just woke up from a long sleep and am still disoriented.
I dont know where to find help since no professional would see me if I mentioned my diagnosos of CPTSD.......
Indeed, may you find love in your future. I identify wholly!❤❤❤❤
OMG. I completely relate to this. Thank you for shining light. It is me. I was completely rejected by my father even before I was born.He wanted me aborted, left and I never met him. Deep in my subconcious I believe there is something wrong with me. That feeling has been in me my whole life. I am very shy, avoid people and even before watching this video I was feeling through it and self reflecting and you validated that I do have this belief and it stems from my father trauma and it is not my fault. Thank you again. I also have autism symptoms and I think it is related to that partly.
Amazing. Close to being 75 and just learning about these issues. Spot on! Thank you.
This speaks volumes to me 🥹
I cannot believe how well you can describe what I feel, see and experience. You have opened my eyes up in way in which I’ve never experienced. This describes me precisely.
I currently working through your remothering series.
Thank you 🙏🏼 helping me!
l so need. but l dont do, for the fear of rejection, everywhere. am all that youve said.
WOWWWW... When I listen to you I should have ALL those emotions and for a time I did... I just want to say.... Therapy will help, but being saved and finding Jesus and surrendering to Him will heal ALL this pain and anguish.... God loves us so much....and He will fill that rejection hole and the comfort of His Spirit will restore us, for we were created in His image. Thank you for helping so many with your love and compassion for people. The Lord has blessed you with a special gift. ✝️🙏🏻🇿🇦
Amen. Therapy is BS.
Being able to fully heal from those wounds is hard/painful work but it’s possible with God’s help. During the discovery and healing process (trying to pinpoint all the areas were we might need to expose) days could feel like years. Videos like this (when viewed with an open/genuine desire to heal) do help a lot. Thank you Dr. Kim.
I am very aware of my triggers now, as any form of rejection or signs of people being disappointed in me affects me deeply, even though I can explain it to myself as to the reason it happened.
First years of childhood were happy and I was fine from the ages of 13 onwards there was a major shift in their attitude towards me.
I became known as the black sheep, the trouble maker, the rude/ defiant one, the one whose behaviour was disappointing, I felt mentally bullied and would stand up for myself, so they said I liked to cause problems which wasn’t true at all, but I refused to be bullied.
I was also known as the street ángel house devil. I think this was because outside the family I didn’t have to watch my back all the time but when I got home I was very aware I was different to my sister, who just seemed to agree with everything they said.
I was desperately trying to find my feet between these ages and whenever I had a differing opinion to them or argued my point or whatever I could feel the displeasure coming across in waves from them.
I would only get approval if I did want they wanted or acted the way they wanted, so I was in constant conflict between being myself or who they wanted me to be.
It wasn’t until I was 50 and both my parents died that I fully started to try to deal with this and I used escapism via alcohol, people pleasing and always being nice
It took 15 years to work through it even though I’ve mostly managed it I still get triggered 😤, so it’s a work in progress.
This is so painful for me...not so much for my own painful childhood, but because I'm sure I carried this trauma stuff into parenting my own children. I thank Gd my daughter who has children seems to have broken the cycle. For myself, I cannot be assertive as often as would be healthy because I still fear rejection or rather the pain triggered by my perception of rejection. One particularly difficult thing for me is that in some cases the very same person who gave me so much goodness may be the same person who ignored/rejected me because of the sad circumstances in which we found ourselves plus the trauma they themselves went through and continued to go through.
This came out at the right time. I needed this. Thank you. I’m praying that I will heal this so stop the cycle and accept love from other and give it back.
Wow. Literaly all of these are me. For me though it was from my peers. The support from my parents saved me a lot. But still I had no friends growing up. I am 59 now and still have no real close friends. All I know is how to be alone. I am working on it though. I do the rejection projection thing too. It is what keeps me from even trying to make friends.
I have gotten so far, to simply remove myself when it just feels, like I'm not being wanted.
Learning to verify now. But if it's not convincing enough, I still tend to just disappear.
Convinced, that people are better off this way.
Staying, will only get them hurt too.
Why make the process long and painful? When I can just lock, the monster that I am, back up?
I can relate to this, I don't feel wanted somewhere, I just make my exit and go elsewhere. I would rather be alone than be around people who do not welcome my presence.
All 7 here. Thank you for this clear break down
so helpful, thank you. i've healed my life immensely over the past 4 years and i have infinitely more self-respect, boundaries and healthy friendships now. but i've been noticing how much trauma, compulsive caretaking and anxiety i still carry in my friendships. it is so frightening to put yourself in intimacy, a space where you allow people to hurt you (or yourself to hurt them), when your perception of safety is still distorted by trauma. i feel disoriented and anxious often. like i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. i guess the flip side is that intimacy does not just cause pain, it's also the path to being truly accepted and loved.
Lovely affirmation and very helpful video. Thank you
How does one change the Fear Of Intimacy, when your brain is wired to avoid it? How does one ever overcome thus Insecure Attachment? To me its more about changing beliefs, but also getting into everything that was to painful as a child to endure. Maybe its about bringing the unconscious into consciousness. So where does one truly begin? It all seems very confusing.
Great comment! I’m 52 and still on the journey friend. This channel is a good start. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy helped me on my journey. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helped me too. The journey is often ongoing. You can get audiobooks (DBT - look for stuff from Marsha Linehan - she invented it. And remember you are an incredible person to have made it this far 😊
The key is that it takes time, self patience, compassion. The foundation is to establish a feeling of safety. So often, many of us, have had a perpetual fight/flight, and require nervous system regulation as a first step. I do daily activities to help me, yoga, breath work, journaling, sleep meditation. I've pursued my healing journey for years, and it's like layers of an onion (but not so neatly packaged...much more messy). I came across so much "theory" & was even in healthcare, and had the cognitive "ideas", but struggled to apply them. Getting my nervous system calmed, regularly, has been transformative. Cultivating safety. I am so, so careful, about what I let into my orbit. Interactions with people (I'm still in pandemic isolation due to a high needs child), social media, news, being careful of my thought patterns...anything I let in to my space, I am way more mindful of. It all can effect us. I quit drinking alcohol, started eating better, developed better sleep hygiene...these all came into play slowly, after I merely started with a 5 min/day morning yoga. That small step, showing up for myself (which is a huge part of reparenting) was a catalyst to gain traction in other ways. I still have a ways to go, and keep quite to myself...but have had more consistent feelings of peace and safety, then ever before in my life. Every day, I do things to reset my nervous system. It has been the key to it all for me. That foundation, has allowed me to be able to sit with emotions I'd avoid before (through media, overeating, overthinking, alcohol, anything to escape). I still have some avoidance tendencies, but am more aware and can stay present more often. It's a process for sure.
We can rewire our brain, after we've done that calming and reset for a while. It's very possible.
I wish you healing and deep peace 💫
@@MeissnerEffectyour comment is great too! Acceptance and commitment therapy has been very helpful for me too :)
I’m starting by noticing when I’m avoiding life . Just watching it
@@Alphacentauri819 wow, great comment! Thanks for the advice. It really resonates with me. Good for you! 🌸
Wow, someone finally gets it! Now, how at 50 yrs old how does one heal? "Scanner for Rejection" - nailed it!
We grow up Never Trusting ourselves much less anyone else😢
I feel like you are describing me perfectly. 😢
And me- to a T.
Thank you for this video... Because I can recognize this very deeply. It took me about 30 years to kinda get over this and open up really to physical/emotional connections with people. In my first relationship(s) with a physical connection/attraction the physical connection could often make me dissociatie or I would get anxious and nervous instead of feeling much of love... Only at very few moments I was able to. But as I was socially anxious and behind in social development (as I never got serious therapy for this, I mainly got treated with meds) the relationship was one where I felt like emotionally numb and very insecure. Slowly gradually I made some improvements on social level and made more friends who would (shockingly) eventually gave me a hug. Slowly I got being somehow used to it. Then when I was about 30 I met my third girlfriend, unfortunately it was a long distance relationship but we have been together in real life for several weeks several times. Finally I was able to have physical contact, not only sexually, and experience it as love. Although still many moments when there was no physical touch or being near I also started scanning for signs of rejection and of course I would find them which made me emotionally withdraw, not only that though, the tendency to scan for rejection made it hard for me to emotionally be available or even worse; I would get suspicious very easily. Compensation coping mechanism; alcohol.... Which of course in the end will work even in the opposite direction of emotional/physical closeness and so that relationship ended; by being completely rejected in any possible way. That's been 5 years ago now and there's been no contact anymore for over a year. That plus the general physical and emotional distancing caused by covid rules now put me in a situation, state of being where I feel I've lost all the progress I thought I had made and makes me feel even worse than before. I even often get stressed when friends are physically or emotionally near cause somehow now the feeling of being emotionally or physically close to someone equals fear of rejection or I feel I'm not worthy enough and I expect I'll mess it up in the end anyway...
EMDR and EMT can assist with freeing from deeply unconscious ptsd reactions. Helped me greatly.
Awesome video, that describes how I’ve lived my adult life. As a result, of having been raised by malignant narcissist mother and enabler father. As I learn I’m growing and thriving….figuring out who the authentic me is, then living her.
I am currently going through such a painful rejection I literally cannot function. I need to stop feeling like this but I can’t.
Dr. Sage thank you so much for your helpful informative content. I'm so glad you upload more often😊🌻
I definitely have this and didn't even know it was a thing. I was the first child and i remember not being permitted to enter my parent's bedroom and feeling very alone and afraid at night. My parents had more children and divorced when I was 7 and the rest of the kids always wanted to sleep with my mother. I remember thinking they were freaks and I would actually hit my younger sister if she touched me. I simply didn't like being touched. She would do it intentionally, even more to annoy me or to provoke me.
I even remember recoiling from my friends in high school if they tried to touch me. I moved past that but now I am like that again since my relationship with a covert narcissist- I am back to not trusting people. Now I know why.
Thank you!
I am left with a dilemma; If I believe what you say then at 67 I have lived compensating and not really being human socially. If I don't believe what you say then the only thing that defines me as human is my DNA. As far as your 7 steps.. they are all true and I could add some more. If human psychology has only progressed to this point now.....then how do I account for the last 60 years?
I can relate. Psychology can take it's sweet slow time putting the puzzle pieces together. There's a lot of resistance to changing old theories, and egos. In the 1980s most people didn't believe in ADD. It was only listed as ADHD, and was considered almost exclusively something boys had. Nothing was mentioned regarding Adult Attention Disorder. According to the DSM then, it was insinuated that ADD magically evaporated on a boy's 18th Biryhday. I knew I had it, and I was in my mid-30s. I had to wait 10 years to be diagnosed. 🥱
This happens A LOT w childhood bullying...😓😓🙏
Yup, I belong no place. If it wasn't for my cats, I don't know what I would do. I realize also that I didn't want my mother to hug me, though she didn't do it a lot. It was ick, even as a child. Something, even very young, was telling me this so called love isn't right.
I stumbled across this video by accident, and wow it describes me to a T!
All those years of hardcore suffering- as a child AND as an adult -having to come to terms with it all/recovering. 😮
But I thank the Lord every day for His healing, wisdom and guidance. 🌅💙
Thank you so much lady for helping so many people… ❤️
I recognize myself in this description and validates me that I’m not just making this up. As a born-again Christian, I’m struggling to recover from childhood complex trauma. I have loads of shame and guilt issues, self-condemnation, which get worse if I other Christians tell me that I’m just holding onto the past instead of living it from the newness of life I’ve received (2 Cor 5:17 and Phil 3:13). It makes me extremely anxious and depressed that I’m not being obedient to God. Would you have any tips for me how to walk this path? God bless you 🙏
@@turquoisoul
Hello hun,
I can relate with you-
It’s amazing how poor Christian’s respond to our pain and suffering.
I’ve been there many times and it’s like a slap in your face which exacerbates the problem.
I don’t know if you feel the same but I always wanted someone, anyone at the church,to take me under their wing and nurture me (just so I could feel strong inside again) but it never happened.
I honestly think it was because I came across as strong (but really felt very weak and desperate) and learned to wear a mask to see me through.
Please, please don’t feel anxious or depressed that you’re not being obedient to the Lord, just because they throw scriptures at you.
You’ve been through enough so don’t do that to yourself.
They do it because they’re clueless about your deep pain and scars/wounds, or don’t want to help or don’t even care (I’m talking from experience).
It’s the same with non believers.
The only one who really knows you intimately,
loves you unconditionally
and understands you completely,
and wants to help
is the Lord Himself!
It’s the evil one that loves to dance on the tune of shame, guilt and condemnation- bringing you into bondage.
INSTEAD!
INSTEAD, stay very close to Jesus, which is literally what His word says to do anyway.
I’m serious, for you to feel safe, secure and at peace in your life Is to stay close to Him.
By this I mean, before you go anywhere, or if you’ve arranged to meet someone, pray and ask God to give you wisdom about that person,
ask for the right words in response to them.
Even for His strength to get there! 😄
Tell HIM EVERYTHING!
Every little detail of your life, what you are feeling,
your fears,
how you feel about a person, EVERYTHING!
He wants to hear, he loves to hear, so He can help and heal you.
He is gentle, compassionate, plus Galatian’s 5.22-23.
“Come to ME all you who labor and are heavy laden,
And I will give YOU rest.
29 Take My yolk upon you
And learn from ME,
For I AM gentle and lowly in heart,
AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.
For MY yolk is easy and MY burden is light.
Matthew 11.28-30.
Isaiah 26.3
YOU will keep him/ her in perfect peace who’s mind is stayed on thee,
Because he/her trusts in YOU.
Proverbs 3.5-6
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART
And lean not on your own understanding;
In ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM
And HE shall direct your paths.
1 Peter 5.7
Cast ALL your cares on the Lord,
For He CARES FOR YOU.
Romans 10.12
The Lord is rich to all who call upon Him.
James 4.8.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Also Philippians 4.6
Hebrews 4.16
Genesis 35.3
Hebrews 11.6
And many more.
Read His word as if your life depends on it because His word heals and delivers.
Gradually, slowly, and before you know it you are a completely changed strong person ( which is what He first intended you to be)
Meditate on it- if you practice to do that- it’s life changing.
This has took me years to learn, and rest assured, if you truly do believe in Him and love Him it’s a win win situation all the way as He IS WITH YOU!
If there are any questions I’m willing to answer them.
Blessings to you . 🌅
Nice to know that at least I've gained expertise in something.
Rejection 1 - I was an unplanned child and thus unwanted, doctors and relatives told to abort and why would you want another girl child again but my parents still chose of have me - I’m thankful for that.
2. Rejected - for being deep skinned as relatives chose to entertain my better looking sister and play with her only
3. Major one - around 7-9 age group of kids rejected to play with me as I was deep skinned and called me name that ‘who would play with her’ - this put a scar on my soul
4. Best friend with whom I grew up with since kindergaden rejected me for new friends when I was 12. Said to others in front of me let alone best friend I didn’t even consider her a friend, broke my heart
And then the rejections followed in number of other ways
Ever since that I keep it to myself my heart and put out strong face and is always isolate
Sending you a virtual hug 🫂
I feel scared that my Narcissist boyfriend rejects me. Because then I have the need to go to his house to please him. Just to have peace. But when he is in the good mood I can stay without him and at peace in my home. I don’t even miss him much. Maybe I miss only the man I created on my mind I guess. He said that to me. That he can’t be this man I created in my mind and that he will not change. Maybe he is right because I completely trusted him in the beginning until I found out that he lies so much like it’s normal. If he tells something you don’t know when he is telling the true if you don’t know the truth you believe in everything he says. It’s so exhausted to be rejected by him. And when he give me “ love” I don’t believe it” . I don’t trust in what he says. Because one day he treat me badly , even break up almost every week/ month or threatened me of leaving 1 ou 2 days later he talks about marry me. He says: if you love me you marry me” . I panic and want to walk away from the conversation.
What happen when this grows into adult with corvert avoidance with cptsd trauma? When I was a kid I needed hugs. When I was adult I still can't hug my mom. This stop my whole life in all relationships and trust issue with almost every one.
I have this, it has become better, but I still have this "reverse logic", where I actually think I deserve love but I don't receive it, so I must be unloveable. My therapist(s) all have asked me "why don't you deserve love/what makes you so unloveable?" and I have no answer, I think I am an okay person, but love just isn't a part of my life, so there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.
Don't hold my hand
all my tears
I’m grateful for online information like this, but very frustrated that all it does is raise awareness -- there's no help. Quality trauma focused therapy is very difficult to find, and given that in-demand therapists never accept insurance, equally difficult to afford. I and my issues are essentially f***ed. I get to live out my life with the fallout of a nightmarish first 20 years.
I have such a fear of rejection that I've been (apart from a few short and challenging relationships) always been single - all of my 57 years. My mom and dad had a mental illness, and my older brother was slapped as a child when he showed me love. So he ignored and rejected me to the point that he wouldn't talk to me, sit next to me, and shy away when we had physical contact, for instance, when our hands touched while I passed the salt across the table.
I genuinely think that no one likes to be near me, not even my cat, although he will get on my lap. Currently, I'm on a waiting list to get treatment at a facility that specializes in avoidant personality disorder. I truly hope this will work because I'm not living, just surviving.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You are important. That is not right. I have had cats my whole life and your cat getting on your lap shows you that he or she likes you so please embrace that. Believe me if cats don’t like somebody they won’t come near you lol. I hope everything works out for you❤
I think alot of people experience some sort of rejection in their lives. I have experienced alot of rejection in childhood and adult life. I spent alot of energy and time to win over people. Basically to have them like and accept me. This caused me grief, when i was pushed away. It did create a negativity about myself where I was hypersensitive. Now I'm older I'm not interested in whether someone likes me . I like isolating, and don't like having people around me. My tolerance level is low for people I feel good now. I don't want others issues and troubles.
😮once again Dr Sage you have nailed it....describing my life traits so precisely. There is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone and I truly hope others suffering these characteristics find peace and acceptance.
Oh my god I feel so seen. I related to every single one of these and it wreaks havoc in my intimate relationships.... Despite me trying my hardest to keep it under control. The one where you are always assuming the worst is something that I do and causes the most upset with my partner. He takes it as a personal insult.
I had this until I had a stroke 2021! Have a stroke was the last draw to the world.Im more of a hermit now
This loneliness …. I feel that always. But I can’t trust.
This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my UA-cam channel 10 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,964 subs and > 2k hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.
You’ve described me to a t. This video hit deep. Our parents have a lot to answer for 😭
I wont ask a woman out. I feel the rejection befods it happens. I feel she will not be happy and leave. I end up going out with broken people. Even as bad as a alcoholic.
I'm 70, and still being rejected, get bullied and made fun of. I'm old and ugly,so I guess that's why.
It's so over, the damage is already done
I really relate to so many of these comments.. after years of this, i actually don’t care to put myself out there anymore. I’m happier with the three people i can trust than being in groups of people who don’t really let me in. I’d rather be alone.
To anyone reading this also remember Jesus Christ loves you so much, dont give up give your life to Him and you will have a Peace that nobody can give you💕💕💕💕
Rejection is a powerful tool used by pathological narcs (even at a very young age) to inflict ego traumas on their victims. If you have a child who is being subjected to this 'Rejection Abuse", then you need to get that kid into a better environment. And if you have a kid who is abusing others in this way, it is an enormous red flag for a deep seated problem with that kid, I think it's an early red flag for what could later become devastating NPD in that person.
Ps* love the wall paper and also the way you do your makeup.... beautiful lady 😊
My twin sister gets more attention, and it shows. And I can compare it to FB. I'm not allowed home, because they said I ruined their thanksgiving. I only allowed home twice a year. Now I just don't go home
That stinks! I’m sorry. 😢
@@whitebirchtarot thank you for support, I really appreciate it. I've accepted the situation for what it is now it hurts but you can't change people.
@@suzyq-ll3sw No, that’s true - you sure can’t. But sometimes we wish we could! I can’t imagine treating family that way. I hope you have some good friends around you. 💕
@@whitebirchtarot I do, I still have a cousin I talk too and my Muslim community. And a few army buddies also. Thank you
@@suzyq-ll3sw That’s good. Glad to hear it! Take care. 💕
I've bad childhood trauma. Sexually abused, felt worthless all my life. When you live with rejection everyday that you're not wanted, you're worthless, It makes just life miserable for kids. I'm 23 currently learning more about why I'm the way I'm and most of my struggles in life have direct link to my childhood traumas.
Fuuuuk 20 seconds in you already got me really.. wow . Okay so get this I was homeless and trying so hard to get off the streets , lost my hisband (died) and kids due to losing my home and home (fake landlord scam) all in 1 month and no joke I developed this. I tried to seek mental help never got it.. tried to get off the streets I got door slammed after door slammed after door slam to the point I stopped trying anymore .. now I find myself sticking to my self not talking to people anymore and really stuck with this inside pain they goes away somedays but sits way to heavy others... never in my life did I actually see this being a cause to my trauma but now listing to this.. I have it...
I find it so hard to be emotionally available for my kids when I myself are not so emotionally intelligent...I'm trying but it's hard!
I look for rejection in everything. So I don't ask for my needs.
My mother never had no active interest in me as a child or adult
i was treated like a inconvenience and problem if i wanted to show her something
she would always follow through with the following line what ever it is hurry up in aggrieve angry voice
it was never a case of her being busy she just couldn't be bothered with me it took me to my early 40s to realize
my mother was a narcissist offend in life we don't want to accept the reality of things
so we will tell our self story's in are mind as a form of emotional soothing but at the same time this is reality bypassing
Hi, it is not only rejection that is avoided: I think not being accepted, can stem from time economics. People that already have their social friends and circle and extended family, simply do not have time to take another person in to their circle. In fact if that person is too different, let's say racially, they figure why bother, because in fact they could be less acceptable in their group, and then they can face rejection, or otherwise awkwardness.
Many give up and work on themselves. Things may improve from having more resources in the future.
God Bless.
Rejection is ALWAYS Personal - if no one likes that initial look of you they're NEVER going to want you. I should know - I've been rejected by women all my life. It may be possible for some to develop a "thick skin" but not me ! My soul is bruised with the memory of all the women I wanted. I last asked a woman out about 10 years ago - she said no - so I gave up ! It's so easy for (so many) women on the internet to pontificate on meeting people - they're usually in good relationships themselves or married.
This is so enlightening
I have never heard of this new idea- form of trauma
Thank you
So helpful understanding!
Percisely me, except I read 200 self help books at 21 because I could see a negative reaction any time I told my horrible disastrous childhood story. In my studies, I realized 2 things, 1 is no one cared to listen to my sad tale, and 2. I must have been seeking validation, sympathy, empathy. I realized my self esteem was damaged. After all my reading I had a list of 20 positive attributes I wanted to adopt. I put that list in my wallet for 20 years, I took it out anytime I had to wait. As that abused only child, I didn't allow my drunkard mother, to keep my SELF inside that negative space. I was 20 by then, 1 child in tow. Returned to abusive husband 5 years later, another drunk, left pregnant 5 months later. A few years later I met a sexy Frenchman, score, right? 2 kids followed while I was the bread winner. All this while I took care of my mother and even bought her a condo, paid her bills, still had screaming arguments occasionally which I deplored, but I took care of her until she died after 13 years bedridden at my house. I has invented sculptured nails, travelled all around the country to teach/sell the acrylic formula, I later had stores and salons, sold franchisees, ran 6 conventions a year in the mail industry until I sold my shows for a pretty penny. Took 2 kids around the world, 13 countries, never realizing until later that my husband had been sitting with his feet propped in the desk at one of my shops. After a brief separation I returned for the 2 youngest, have him money for his dream restaurant which he never made a dime in profit, and finally realized when the kids were gone, I would still be taking care of a child. My children have told at least one shrink they had a fairytale children filled with barn yard animals, horses, rabbits, goats, chickens even peacocks, and I was proud of myself UNTIL they ask grew up, got married, fairytale Cinderella wedding for my daughter, of course, but 30 years later, when they didn't need me, my money or my services, one by one, they all walked away with their own lives, excluded me almost naturally, then shunned me due to religion or politics or because they married a sick narcissist sociopath psychopath who was was raped for 10 years by her father from age 6 to 16, was 29 while my 22 year old son was ripe for her sexual prowess, his brain not fully developed. BOOM, she brainwashed him to hate me for no reason. I don't even know the reasons. Just slice and dice me within 3 months, from us being best friends as my youngest and in real estate business together, to either SLICE & DICE INSULTS or accusations purely created in her head, while she was all smiles at me the few times I saw her. Not a sour word, but she wasn't about to allow him to be 50% of his life as he had told us both. 10 years have passed since his insanity rage on a New York freeway where we almost died. He set my bags on the curb and walked away. I knew I would never see him again. That was an ANOMALY, but 4 out of 4, two others because, I had chosen a divorce, then alone in my cabin studied religion and thereby supported going to their church, the 4th demanded I make the other two leave the church, and with his unique rage problem which put his kids and wife through hell, I refused to go there to be abused, he said because I was Mormon and he'd made up his own religion, he didn't want me around his children. Basically, indeed, I didn't find much value in dating, was depressed and decided my life, other than publishing a book, THE LAST SNAPSHOT, I would live my time as a lone traveler, started a 501c3 www.worldwideorphanages.com, have visited 64 countries and counting, but I cannot understand how, well I do actually ( I created narcissists) 4 of 4 could all find a reason to keep me away from their children. So, of all my success I live alone with a couple texts a week and have been robbed of being a grandmother. I could have had a visit from 1 or 2 of 13 each year, so I wouldn't be lonely, but no. I could have and offered often to take a grandchild somewhere, no! Like I had the plague because of religion, politics and especially TRUMP, that lying PHYCOPATH! Its not like I offended them, i never opened my mouth, unless they asked me to engage, indeed, i try very hard to never annoy then, as i learned in childhood. What good can arguing do, then they would have at least a reason. It feels more like they felt they couldn't compete, so they shunned me, avoided me, so they wouldn't be reminded that they weren't very good parents, or perhaps they simply felt no need for me when their needs i could meet, like cars, college, loans, travel, help was not needed any longer i had no value, so why waste time in me? That in fact, after all ther chain breaking i did, takes me right back to the rejection in childhood. Alone at 76, and only 4 little ones left, which I will never get to have for a visit because of Trump this time, it's highly depressing, disheartening, inexplicable, and indeed is clearly REJECTION... just what I would never have expected. I thought my brutal childhood was enough abuse for one lifetime, i gave them the childhood i dreamed of. And much more! YOU SAY RECIPROCITY and I cry out with tears that no longer produce liquid. I am beginning to understand that hate us beginning to take the place of all that love I thought I would enjoy. I understand what happened to my mother. I cannot accept what my children have chosen for my fate. So, all that's left is hateful POETRY and my studioi time where i sing heartbreaking songs about dead dreams which I post on my unknown UA-cam channel Marilyn Morningstar author on UA-cam. I hope something happens to me that gives me another reason to live, like maybe a producer picks up my novel for a movie, or I find a spokesperson for my orphanages so I can live and love those children. I am heading out to Ukraine 28th, maybe I will find another reason to live. WITHOUT LOVE THERE IS NOTHING. ❤😢😮❤
Sounds like it’s all about you! Let go of yourself and love your kids and grandkids! Let go of the politics.
Kids can suck period!! Stick to your beliefs they shouldn’t judge you you were a good mom . Trump 🇺🇸
When you talked about feeling rejection in certain scenarios, I started remembering events that happened around my classmates and friends. Is it possible to have rejection trauma due to mostly peer influence when you live in a loving home?
Absolutely!!!!
I had a rich Fantasy Life as a kid. My dad later berated me for it. I'm excited to get my DBT workbook in the mail tomorrow and begin working through it. 😊
I check all seven boxes in my 50s. Through somatic therapy, I’ve learned be consciously aware of them. But sometimes I’m just on autopilot and reacting to present life through a traumatized lens.
My Mother's Mother, always reminded me of the trouble I gave my Mother's pregnancy 😢
As usual, thank you. ♥
Emotional abuse, and lack of physical affection which later in life can effect your relationships and develop trusts issues