My mother passed away two years ago. I couldn't even cry. All I felt was relief. I told my daughter, prepared for her grief. All she said was, the curse is broken. When you feel like your own mother doesn't like you, you can't help but feel she's right about you...I can forgive her, she wasn't well. But my childhood was hell. Pure hell.
I never cried at my mum's funeral. For someone like me, who cries like a tick, I think this was really telling. But you can't lose what you never really had, and that I feel is the crux of the matter.
My mom died when I was 18. The most difficult part was that I didn’t know how I was supposed to grieve bc I didn’t feel like I lost anything. Very confusing.
When my mother died I was more in shock that she was finally gone. Among all the different feelings, the relief was huge because I thought thank God she can't hurt anyone any more. And I literally felt like dancing around singing Ding Dong the witch is dead.
@@deborahp7500 oh my goodness!!! My mommy dearest died last year and I sang the same song, combined with Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire... "She's gone where the goblins go, below, below, below down into the burning ring of fire...". She was a despicable human being who took pleasure in hurting others. I went no contact in 2017--several years before she died. I am ALMOST ashamed of my feelings toward mommy dearest. She tried to destroy me. Healing has been and continues to be a journey. Take care. ❤
Wow, I was coming to say I feel the exact same way but I see there are other commenters that are saying the same thing too. Mine died about 5-6 years ago and I've cherished the peace since she's gone. I am so relieved to not have to pick out a Mother's Day card any more (well, I do get one for my mother-in-law who is much nicer to me than my own mother ever was). I dreaded Mother's Day. She never wished me a Happy Mother's Day ever, despite being a mother for 25+ years. Good riddance.
You believe you are fundamentally flawed. Somehow, before you have memory, you did something so terrible that you must pay for it for the rest of your life. In my case, I wasn't allowed to socialize with people, except in a very strict environment. Like I was some monster they were protecting the world from. I knew what I was allowed to talk about and what was off limits. In 2014 I changed the rules, I was 47. You are not a monster. You are as good as anyone else. It's your life. They control you because you allow it. Stop allowing it! I promise, the world will not stop rotating. You aren't responsible for it rotating anyway! You can't wreck everything, you aren't responsible for everything, you never were. They just told you that. You can’t wreck their life, you aren't responsible for their life, they are!
Now add the gynocratic feminist system that joins hands and helps stamp that on your son's faces. Where'd all these toxic men that leave us alone doing nothing to us come from?
Now take everything you just wrote and apply it to the current government/media. They are doing the exact same thing to all of us (not allowed to speak freely/political "correctness", wanting to control our every move, medically rape us with untested shots, etc) because we ALLOW IT. Stop complying with tyranny! It's just narcissistic abuse on a wide scale.
I’m listening to this on Mother’s Day. Sitting alone. I had to go no contact with my mother 15 years ago and I’m still working through the trauma. I’m one who chose not to have children or get married. I remember when I was a little girl, I sat on the couch and cried and asked my mother if she even loved me at all. My question enraged her and she started mocking me and saying in a sarcastic and mean voice, “I love you. Does that make you feel better now are you going to stop crying now?” I remember that room. That couch. Where I was sitting on the couch. Her face. Her voice. Her anger and disgust. It is burned into my soul forever because in that moment, as a little girl, I knew for a fact that my mother did not love me. Mother’s Day is the worst day of the year for me.
Oh no, no the problem is not with you at all. Unfortunately we carry their bags though. You are far more emotionally intelligent and strong than your mother will ever be. Accept it, don’t forgive, your mother is the one with the fundamental deficit. What an awful way to be. I wish we could all get together and support each other. Love from melbourne xo
Oh dear child, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ll pray for you to Mother Mary. You deserve so much more love. You are good and you are wonderful. Your mother did not deserve you.
My mom was not a good mother either, I still remember asking my mom if she loved me, I was about 7 and moved into our old unfinished basement, she finally came down to the basement after I spent all day moving my stuff downstairs. This moment is etched in my mind and I’m almost 60.
When my mother was pregnant with me she suspected my dad had an affair (this was way back in the No Sex During Pregnancy era). I was raised my whole life "knowing" there was something I had done to piss my mother off, but never being able to solve the problem or even fix it. My mother died in my arms not responding to my "I love you, Mom." It wasn't until her funeral that my older sister revealed the root. Even though it all made sense then, there has been such an emptiness that I was raised by a woman who barely tolerated me. That I was a reminder of her loss of cherishment at a crucial time, and that she placed that onus on me. She has been dead 25 years and I still struggle with self-worth and believing I am worthy of being loved just because I exist. I find it difficult to think of looking at a baby in my arms and hating them, but this is what my hear carries to this day.
Awe, this incredibly sad. How tragic. Did you have children? And if so was this a reminder to love them even more? I grew up with my mother not liking me either, and never really understood why because I was a sweet and shy kid. Spent so much time trying to please her. Her hugs were void of any emotion. I took after my father who was kind and always gave the most sincere hugs. I carried that to my children and always give “big squeeze hugs” and tell them how much I love them and how wonderful they are.
My mother made a point of telling me I was the woops baby how I wasn't named for months and then an aunt finally named me. I gave her morning sickness for the whole pregnancy. All because SHE had no control over getting pregnant. She has always kept secrets I wish she had kept this one. Yes at 94 she is still here.
Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb? Mother, do you think they'll like this song? Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls? Ooh, aah, mother, should I build the wall? Mother, should I run for president? Mother, should I trust the government? Mother, will they put me in the firing line? Ooh, aah, is it just a waste of time? Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing She won't let you fly but she might let you sing Mama's gonna keep baby cozy and warm Ooh, babe, ooh, babe, ooh, babe Of course mama's gonna help build the wall Mother, do you think she's good enough for me? Mother, do you think she's dangerous to me? Mother, will she tear your little boy apart? Ooh, aah, mother, will she break my heart? Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you Mama won't let anyone dirty get through Mama's gonna wait up 'til you get in Mama will always find out where you've been Mamma's gonna keep baby healthy and clean Ooh, babe, ooh, babe, ooh, babe You'll always be a baby to me Mother, did it need to be so high?
I am currently 1.5 years no contact with my mother. I finally realized I would never heal from not only her but also the chaos and neglect of my traumatic childhood if I was still getting swirled up into her “dreamland” under constant gaslighting. I also haven’t spoken to my father in about 12 years because of his struggle with addiction. Proud to say the last couple years of my life have been the best yet, the more distance I implement the bigger and brighter I bloom. I cry about it (a lot sometimes) but those feelings are temporary and my healing and growth are not. I really appreciate your channel - thank you for being here! ✨💖✨
Addiction is a stronghold & oftentimes, generational curse. I'd reach out to both parents. You don't have to be close. You can tell them respectfully how you feel. You can be gentle. How would you feel if they were to die tomorrow?
I was in your shoes at one time. It DOES get easier, although the journey doesn't come without the occasional set-back. Just take notice when you need to focus on self-care, don't ignore that. It took me a good 2 years, and therapy, to really start healing my wounds. Everybody's journey of healing is different. I wish the best for you in yours.
@@danilaroche1156 it’s a nice notion, I have tried. I think an important part of healing is to know when you have done everything YOU can. They both know where I am and how to contact me, realistically I am the child they are the parent - I should not be in the space of of pleading for or seeking anything from them. A revolving door or hurt and disappointment. I’m in my mid 30s and my life and my peace are more important than EVER. When I think about having my parents part of it all, the fantasy is quickly replaced with EMPTY, bleak and unfulfilling (I can almost feel the pain).
Wow...love is conditional. I had this from BOTH my parents....and I'm an only child. However, I differ in the sense that I would yell back at my parents. I am very used to being alone. It was survival for me. Both my parents passed now. I forgive them. Now, after decades of self-inflicted abuse towards myself I simply remove myself from people. I don't think I can ever fully trust or rely on anyone but it's better then every relationship I entered, I was an anxiously attached freak. My self reliance protects me but also isolates me
Oh thank you so much for your comment!!! I also used to yell back at my mother. I hated how she always played the victim and how my father would come to rescue her from any discussion we were having. She would always dismiss my feelings as unimportant or dismiss my view of the world as wrong, and when I tried setting boundaries or expressing my opinion she would cry as if I was attacking her by only being a separate being and having different thoughts. I follow these videos and always feel like my parents were incredibly anxious and immature, but I never can relate to the part of not fighting back. I fought back with all my might and it even created more problems. I was labeled as difficult, bad, and wrong in the head. And fighting back also reaffirmed the belief that I was bad and unlovable. Nowadays I am a nervous wreck, almost deaf and completely dependent on others for economic support. How did you manage to survive your experience, or even change some of your core beliefs?
"Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not as bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate" Bonnie Burstow, Radical Feminine Therapy
After decades of trying to get along, or fight, or make them listen, or ignore their behavior, I heard my mother say "I have to love you, but I don't have to like you." and that put a spotlight on our relationship my entire life, back to my first memories. I cut off contact almost 10 years ago, which stopped the direct wounding. But I know I'm the subject of her gossip and alienating me from the rest of my relatives. I've accepted this, and created a chosen family. Funny thing is, for a year before I stopped calling her I stopped telling her anything about me or my life. I just let her have the stage and chatter on without taking a pause to breathe. It was eye opening, and let me watch the process and made it easier for me to let go of the relationship. When I stopped calling, she never called me, again, showing me I was right. Therapy helps, but darn those scars run deep and I keep stumbling across them, feeling the same feelings when someone is gaslighting me or blaming me for something outside my control.
I’m guessing this is for way more damaged people but as an adult I finally found the love and respect by actually putting the pieces together of how she was raised her life her goals and then the genetically and social pressures she constantly broke barriers with education and self reliance making her own money and prioritizing financial security over so many other issues… when I finally was old enough to o stop blaming her for being a very damaged person during my early childhood I can look at it from the perspective that she was a completely independent financially, independent woman, successful in those rights, and then thrust into the role of being a mother of two small children, and this was in her late 30s she gave up all her freedom everything to stay at home and raise us. Her husband was an alcoholic. Her husband‘s family wears the ones she wanted to and unsuccessfully impressed. She also suffered from a few bouts of cancer and as kids we were never brought into these conversations or knew about any of it, so I cannot imagine the amount of depression, isolation, loneliness, and helplessness that she went through and my heart is bigger and more full of love for her as a grown woman than it ever was as an immature 10 year old child, who may have experienced abuse, but knowing what she went through, she’s become more than an inspiration…. she looked out for us, financially set up everything she possibly could so whatever we lacked in emotional support, she took care of us financially with her intelligence she’s an idol she’s iconic. Everybody knows her I wish we could have talked more, but that’s my selfishness and her trials and tribulations, unfortunately are so easy to be spread out by psychobabble like shit that you say. I also have a degree in psychology, and the only difference that I wish I sufficiently stowed upon my children is the physical love and affection and the talking about what is going on in life so they can recognize what is disorder versus cruelty, versus addiction versus learned behaviors, and how to break those cycles
I feel so seen. Thank you. I finally ditched her for good a few months ago. After several years of her ignoring my going no contact, I told her she made me feel unloved my entire life. She responded by saying, "Oh I did, even though you made it impossible". SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME I'M UNLOVABLE. 🤦♂️
wow. where was this information when i was young , before mother dearest destroyed me. took until i was 57.. .i enjoy watching and learning with you, you voice is calming for my cptsd and no back ground music. thank you!
My mom said "well at least we didn't sexually abuse you" I grew up trying to protect my mother from my physically abusive father. He's come home drunk and get her out of bed and hit her. I would try to hold on to her when I feel asleep hoping I could protect her. She chose my father over her childrens well being. That's been my job since I was a child, protecting her. I was going to see her every summer and she always said hurtful things so I've decided never to go back. I just don't want to be involved with her anymore. My brothers are who she is supportive of. I'm done with the drama. I heard someone say that drama is for those who have stranded intellect. I agree with that statement.
These comments got me tearing up! It’s so hard when your mother is so consumed in pleasing someone else not to see her beautiful child in front of her. At some point we get to see the wonderful loving person we are and give back to ourselves.
My mam said this time me well at least you can say your stepfather never sexually abused you,I was in shock,he came to live with us and my 2 brothers when I was 6 up until 24 mentally and physically a abusive to my mum and older brother our mum still loves him hes dead yrs I'm now 59 ❤❤
Hearing the words...helps. Yes, I agree. I needed to hear them 50 years ago though. I'm SO glad these issues are addressed, there really is a need for it.
@Joanne B There is so much finally being brought to light. The chains that have bound humanity are being broken, and true healing and love are now covering everyone who wishes to receive. The veil is being lifted. The Great Awakening is truly happening. We ARE shifting to the new earth. One filled with love for ourselves and then for all others around us. Loving someone else does not mean we are in their lives.... going "no contact" is a way of loving someone... because we love ourselves first. Blessed be. Sending love for your journey ✨️ 💛 💕 💖 💗 ❤️
Wow.....this describes the relationship I had with my Mother to a "T". The more I pushed to have my separate self, the worse our relationship became. She gave me an ultimatum when I was 33, her way or estrangement. I chose estrangement and never looked back. My brother didn't escape, he never became his separate self. He literally wasted his entire life trying to achieve goals that constantly moved his whole life....even though he was the favorite. When she passed, he was utterly lost and ultimately chose to end his life.
Omg. This is so spot on, it’s almost spooky. You must be a really good therapist. I also feel like being able to control your child, your spouse, with anger is a real high for them. They love to pull the strings even if they make everybody else miserable. Sick. And they maybe don’t realize or just don’t care that when their victim breaks free, the victim is going to hate the abuser’s guts forevermore.
Before I clicked on this video, I thought, no I probably have healed a lot from being wounded by my mother and I’m probably OK now and we have a decent relationship.… But I was very surprised when I realized I still check every single box on this list.
This is so accurate. It feels activating, but also validating. I’m proud of myself that I’m in a place, where I understand these things so clearly and are actively taking deep care of myself. Not just regarding her, but with everyone or anyone. I’m stating truths, realities, setting firm boundaries, staying true to myself. Letting others, including her, take responsibility for themselves. There’s more. I’m no longer a dumping ground, scapegoat, toy, source of entertainment, target, etc. Not that they don’t still try. You know how people think they can treat you as they always have? They don’t want to lose that control. Some people have exited my life, on their own or by my request. I’m vetting people as they come, now. In breaking old cycles, I practice my newer self advocating skills. It can be difficult, doing all kinds of stuff to my central nervous system. But, I feel so much better overall. It’s slowly becoming easier. I think I’ve become my best supporter. I can look at myself and know that I have my own back. I know there’s much more to come in this journey of undoing. I trust myself. Thank you for this message. As I go, these type of messages are helpful for re-centering and grounding. 🩶🙏🏽
Sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker 😅. That's so strange that I found all these signs and traced the roots of my traumas, like, years ago, and even explained it all in the same words as you used in the video. It's like to hear myself but from another person. Strange feeling. But it's great that more and more people are paying attention to such themes and starting to discuss it without afraid of being ashamed. The sad thing is that even this knowledge can't help me :) The wounds are too deep, psychologists in my country are just terrible and AD don't help me (and I tried a lot of them). But I hope that your videos will help to others to find inner peace, I really hope. Thank you for your job!
Some things that helped me are Stellate Ganglion Block for PTSD. It got me out of fight or flight and I was able to move forward. If that’s not right for you, there is therapeutic ketamine which helps more with depression. There are other things, of course, but these are worth checking out and seeing if these might be for you.
Your English is very good :-) and unfortunately, I have found therapy to be very ineffective with the exception of some group therapies where I could relate to others. The groups helped me feel validated and relatable which helped a lot. But I agree with you, the wounds are very deep and may never completely heal… We call them scars :-) which are different than wounds, because they don’t hurt anymore but they are visible, for us and everyone else to see. instead of trying to rid myself of the past, I just make it part of who I am now and try my best to live my best.
What finally worked for me was discovering Self Compassion meditation and developing a friendship with Jesus. I now believe that every person is put on our path to help us grow spiritually. To quote Rumi - ‘the wound is the place where the light enters you’. I hope you find peace eventually 🕊
I never believed that my mom cared for or about me. I have very few real memories from childhood that were good, but boy whenI started to shine in acting in plays my mom tore me apart in any way she could so I would fail. ugh.
I never felt me mum loved me either. She was a selfish narcissist n perpetual victim. Me mum did same 2 me when I shined in ballet. She ruined n ended it the week b4 I was 2 get my tutu. I don't think I ever really got over that tbh. I was so looking 4ward 2 feeling pretty in a tutu.
I'm at 12 years no contact with my mother. I've worked on myself extensively with many modalities. Yet there's a 5 year old in me who experiences murderous rage when I think of her
Same here. That murderous rage never subsides. Even though I pray to God and "forgive" her every day. And the rage is not just toward Mommy Dearest, its against ALL narcissists/psychopaths, especially the ones in high positions currently destroying this nation and the world.
Thank you for the validation dear heart ♥ Yes, i know now my single mother was a narcisist who make my childhood a special kind of hell and it certainly prepared me for a husband who also turned out to be a narcisist! I'm 74 and finally free of these two demons who absolutely drained me every which way. I'm lucky to have survived their insanity and am trying to beat the depression and love myself enough to heal. Unfortunately, I don't know if it's even possible. You certainly are an inspiration to us out here ... God bless us all.XOXOXO.
This BREACH between mother and daughter is heartbreaking. LOVE is so deeply important. CONNECTION is so deeply important. This system is oppressive and damaging. Getting educated about patriarchy, misogyny and oppression to understand what we are up against and find compassion , is the path out of this. #DownWithPatriarchy. I am getting educated. I am shocked by what I have learned and DEEPLY SAD at what has been done to girls/womyn/mothers...by a system that used them. Let it begin with ME. I have one voice, one vote and I will reach to STOP punching down on HER, but learn and find compassion so SHE can heal...so I can HEAL. Maybe you will too. Love & Light & Education.
Have you ever heard of the Mothers of Darkness? THEY are/were in more control of this assumed world 'Patriarchy' in which you've come to believe is our world's #1 problem. And they are women. Might want to dive deeper into whom humankind's enemy really is before jumping on nefarious bandwagons.
I’m so grateful for you. There are many times (like right now) when I feel completely disconnected, wanting to numb out, depressed and feeling broken and then I remember your videos and I watch one and you remind me why I’m feeling this way. This is such a difficult path and I’m so grateful that I have your videos to guide you through this. Thank you 🙏🏻
Once again, Dr, Sage, this is spot on! Everything you said rings true for me. Especially the part where you said that we don't share parts of our lives with her. I have hidden things from my mother since I can ever remember to avoid her judgement, criticism. punishment and ridicule. Then she would call me conniving and secretive and use my sister to try to gain information. I'm almost 50 now and we have very limited contact, I have no contact with that sister, and they know almost nothing about my life. It is peaceful.
I took one of those family DNA tests to see if perhaps I was adopted. Now I realize that our true family means love and that means so much more than DNA! 😃❤️ Thankfully I have wonderful in-laws and friends and a church that I treasure now as family. The people I grew up with had a locked gate around them and I know now that I simply never had the right key.
Some women don’t have mothering instincts. My aunt told me that some cows are very protective of their calves and some give birth and just keep walking. My mom has deep wounds from feeling unloved herself and I understand what drives her. Nevertheless, I took a 17-year break from her and it was good for me. She described it as the most painful thing that ever happened to her. As usual, it was all about her. But I’m OK now and I pray for her almost daily. My point is, cut the cord and make your life about you until you’re strong enough to deal with them again. Forgiveness is key. God bless.
I take EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.!! I'VE BEEN PEOPLE PLEASING ALL MY LIFE. I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. BUT I SURE AS HELL KNOW WHAT LOVE ISN'T. my mother is OVERT NARCISSISTIC.!!!!!!!
My mother's love was definitely conditional, and I have felt all my life that I was only good enough to be loved if I achieved at a high standard. But, starting from an early age, my reaction was anger. At one point, I didn't call her for 10 years. It has taken me over 70 years to learn how to deal with this in a positive way, and it still an ongoing process.
My reaction was anger too. I find myself always believing her when she told me I was bad or too much or incorrect, because I always choose to fight back and that was the proof she needed to keep telling me I was bad. How did you detach from that sense of being rotten inside? How did you change your core beliefs about yourself?
I can't truthfully say I always deal with it well, but when I do, it involves being aware of it the second I get triggered. AND being with that long enough to not just lash out. I'm trying to be conscious of the anger when I feel it and then pause before launching into a knee jerk reaction. It's the hardest thing I've ever worked on. And this may sound like it wouldn't work, but I say the Oh Ho Pono Pono prayer when I'm alone, and put my name into the "I love you" part. If I do it long enough, it shifts that anger and sorrow to something I can live with. Blessings to you, and know you're not the only one who deals with this.@@alballumnova
Forgiving my mother, and accepting she did the best she could, while having safe internal and external boundaries, knowing who I am in Christ has been key to my own healing.
I kind of “self gaslight” as to whether my mom is actually as dysfunctional as EVERYONE in my life who has met her said she is. Then when you said the first sign is wondering whether your mother loved you, I remembered all the discussions with my husband late at night about whether my mom loves me, the time as a teenager she specifically said she didn’t LIKE me, and I finally felt able to admit that yes, she’s dysfunctional.
I had a very loving mother who breastfed me as a premature baby in the early weeks of my life had to stop breastfeeding me and hand me back to the hospital nursery because of her family and health as I was the last born at 28 weeks in 1954 and I still carry this today
There is definitely something to be said about breastfeeding. My Mom refused to breastfeed me and she told me that was highly accepted in the early 70's. I later heard her say several times that her sister had absolutely no breasts left after feeding my 2 cousins who were 1-3 years older than me. 🙄 I've never been close with her; her love was always conditional.
When I was a child, I asked "mum, do you love me?" (the word love was considered stupid in our home). She said: "of course I love you, aren't parents supposed to love their children?", There was no smile, no hug. She looked annoyed.
My mom didn't even communicate with me. If she did it was just instructions. When I had friends over she paid attention to them my birthday parties (both of them) she made it about her. I didn't realize she didn't like me until her funeral 13 yrs ago, even though my therapist told me "your looking for your Dad & marrying your mother!" So solo I will be until I get my funeral ⚱️ I wish others would figure this out. The only people who come around want for me to give more & don't ask for return. So much like mother 😢
I as a 69yr old Brit bloke have been a Mother and Father to my 3 children and 13 Grandchildren and my 5 Great-Grandchildren most who have never met my ex-wife mother of my children, My daughter remembers my mother for the insulting words that left her mouth, I miss neither women in my life
My mother had exceptionally early onset dementia. She did the best she could. But I also have learned it caused me a lot of harm. Learning to mother myself & let my friends love me.
My mother is a clever one. She has treated me very poorly and conditionally in the past, and continues to express her "I know better so do what I say" psychology to this day. I asserted myself and my boundaries, but it is a constant battle. I have had to shout at her and threaten to leave forever to get her compliance in giving me my freedoms back. But she has managed to leave a wound I don't know if will heal. She came between me and my romantic/sexual relationships.
Thank you for this video. It probably comes with no surprise, of how much damage a mother can inflict, whether intentional or not. My mother had a traumatic childhood and was a foster child in the 1930s and 1940s. As an adult, she had two failed marriages and a bad relationship between. She never finished high school. She had 5 children, all boys from her relationships, and I was the youngest and the only one that she kept and raised. The other 4 were given up and were subsequently put into foster care. At times, I've often times questioned if I was the "lucky one" She passed away over 20 years ago. I did and still love her in spite of our differences. I'm glad that she finely found peace .
Oh wow, bingo. I did know that what my mom did was wrong, but it has taken me a long time to figure things out but this is me for sure, and she is still doing this. I could never do anything right. Even though I am aware of many things I am still in this at 57. Every part of this is bang on, thanks.
I could not believe I was hearing so many thoughts and fears I have had over the years put into words. My mother detested me. From an early age I was beaten with an electric cord till I was black and blue. Then at age 7 put in an orphanage till she married again and her new husband took me out so he could sexually abuse me. I was so terrified of him that it overcame my fear of her and I broke down and told her what was happening. She took his side and believed his denial. I was told to get out at the age of 14 and didn’t see or speak to her for nearly 30 years and only then because my husband insisted I should forgive her. After that I spoke on the phone to her maybe once or twice a year. I saw her one more time when she was on her death bed. I really wanted to have some kind of closure where we fell into each others arms and everything would be better. How wrong I was. When she saw me she screamed abuse at me and told me to get out she died shortly after. I don’t feel the slightest guilt that I didn’t shed a tear or feel grief. Thank you Dr Sage you are a healing influence in my life.❤❤❤
Right away, @1:55 I can relate to all of this. I remember wondering about that when i was 5, and many times since. And the guilt was always there, too. I was told, within the past couple of years, "You were NEVER innocent," even though it was admitted that i would always tell the truth when i was small. Even if i knew that i was going to be punished and spanked hard. But the Golden Child was always "innocent," even when she maliciously lied, manipulated, bullied, (physically, knowing we couldn't hit back), thought herself entitled to anything we possessed, and appointed herself dictator over her siblings. Apparently honesty was not nearly so valued as I'd been led to believe. I lied, as a teenager, and once again, it became important. Unless the GC did it. Then "it doesn't matter."
Thank you ❤ This is exactly what I've had to go through. I'd receive compliments as a kid from people, then my mom would dismantle me. It continued til I went no contact last year. The spoiled lazy bratty kid got away with everything and blamed me for things I didn't do. My mom loves this child and approves of all of the malicious devious behavior. They team up against me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for my mom. I needed to see this video. Thank you Dr. Sage ❤
Dismantle. That's a good word to describe what my mother did too. Didn't matter if it was a compliment from someone, or getting a really good grade, job promotion, getting an award, whatever. It's like she couldn't handle me achieving anything good or rewarding without just tearing it all down. I went no contact when I was 33, I'm 61 now. I don't regret the decision one bit.
I am sorry you had to go through that too.❤ It is insidious. Then they deny abusing you by telling anyone who'll listen that they are not abusers. You know the truth...they did the abuse !!! The dismantling is unfair along with their denial.
My mom butchered my hair and dressed me like a boy. When I would me mistaken for one in public she didn’t correct it. She was jealous of my dads love for me. Very sick women.
Yes, my mother was never there for me and I was for her. I will never get. That approval because she is gone. I.became a nother myself in an abusive relationship and tried to protect my children and myself. I am divorced now and remarried.and children are grown.
Wow, you did it again Dr. Sage. I totally relate to the mother who can’t be satisfied & is never grateful & the fact that we choose her over ourselves just to survive & feeling like we can’t survive without her even though it’s so painful. Now 21 years into my marriage & my husband who has great qualities but also reminds me so much of her has been diagnosed with cancer & I feel like I can’t survive without him. That feeling of codependency is so strong in our relationship, I’ve always been more attentive to his needs than he has to been to mine. He has a lack of empathy & compassion & I am an empath. Sometimes life just seems so unfair! I know there are many lessons to learn here & I hope i learn them & finally find peace. I hope the same for all of you!❤
I really don't know what I did wrong with my child, but she decided to cut the contact. I always supported her, told her how wonderful she is and I would always be there for her. I'm just not woke. I'm a wounded mother. How about that? I love to be her mother, but admittedly I had a problem with the influence of her narcistic father and I warned her not to become his flying monkey. I feel she became just that, I think. 😢
Thank you for these videos. If only I could find a validating therapist like you in REAL life. I have spent SO much money in the past few years, and I’m wondering if it’s time to give up seeking outside professional help. I think maybe I just don’t live in a sophisticated enough area…there is so much validating info in the academic, literature, and UA-cam sphere, but the actual practitioners I can access are just not the same. I’ll keep watching your videos and try to do whatever work I can myself for now. ❤
if my sister and I ever wrote a book, the title would be “Don’t Tell Mom”. To this day, I am very closed to her about my job, my relationships, my interests because things like that would be met with ridicule or some sort of comment.
My mother abandoned me when I was two yo and 70+ years later it still hurts. I blamed myself til I realized she left my 5yo brother too & he never did anything to deserve the cruelty. My dad got released from prison when I was 10. He rejected me too but I only wanted Mt fantasy mum.
My mother’s mother died suddenly on my 3rd birthday, and my mom hinted my entire childhood that it was somehow my fault. She never recovered from her mom’s death, and it was my fault. I knew mentally it wasn’t true but I felt bad about myself anyway.
My gosh how accurate and detailed have you described my relationships with my mom! I mean, _all_ of it fits with a satisfying click. Damn. I have some questions to ask her probably...
Dam the title!!!😂😂😂 Had to watch it, been in no contact with my mother in 3 yrs and prior to that 5 years. Every time she comes back all she does it lie... Even my three son's dont want to know her and I even encouraged them to bond with her and she just did the same but with gifts to begin with and then nothing at all... Alive or gone, doesnt matter to me, she messed me up so much, all I attract in narcs... Cheers for that mother...😂😂😂 Staying stoic now.
I Get along with my Mother now, and, she did not hate me when I was growing up, BUT, she would every so often come out with "I love you, I just don't like what you do"? So, it was kind like saying, "I like the facade, but, I just don't like the Interior"? That always sort of hurt me inside! I was young and crazy!! Now she's in her 90's and "I try my hardest to help her with her life's conditions"! I've basically let everything go, just a little residue is still lingering!
Whoa I was just thinking about how I hate how my mom will use a baby voice with me and squish my face and I’m 31. I’ve even asked not to do this and she doesn’t care at all. Then she always makes herself seem like a victim and I’m this raging tyrant. She constantly tell people “oh can’t do this or say this or she (me) will get mad at me”
I have felt & lived by all the points you have mentioned in this video. I am now sixty years old & it has been only the last few years that I have finally realised that it was my mother that caused all these feelings & the rules I felt I had to live by, otherwise I wasn’t worthy or came up to her standards. She often told me she loved me but I often heard her say other things under her breathe to my detriment or she would reprimand me if I didn’t behave to her standards & ideals & so now at this point in my life I do wonder if she truly did love me to the extent I hoped & believed she did growing up. My mother passed away in 2015 & I feel there are a lot of unresolved issues within our relationship that are still lingering & so I can’t find any peace. I’m a very confused individual because of the way my mother related to me growing up & all throughout my life. Thank you Dr Sage for helping me to understand this condition further & reinstating what I thought was the truth all along 💐
I sent this to my youngest Daughter (I have 5 daughters) thinking that she would benefit from it but then I realized that I also benefited greatly~ My “real” mom and dad split when I was 18 months and I saw her once when I was 11 yrs old and never again until she passed (I felt absolutely no sadness)~ My dad remarried 4 times after that so I’m sure that I have some wounding~ Grateful for you and this channel~❤
I could so totally relate to everything said here. Its like you were reading my mind. Its not just me having these feelings and beliefs. (I could totally relate to the cat hairs in the mouth too.)
I relate to this so much! I always thought that I must've done some despicable atrocity in my previous life and that my mom could somehow sense it from the moment I was born. Oh man, she never told me a kind, warm, loving word, but did make sure to tell me many times how I looked like a chimpanzee when I was born, as well as that I resembled her in-laws whom she hated. I still can't figure how my parents managed to FORGET to by me milk formula knowing that my mother wouldn't nurse me. I spent my first night at home crying. Wonderful story...
Hej, everybody, how do you feel about mother's-day? Re-traumatizes me every year! It's getting even harder as time goes by, because the "hype" is getting louder with social media, constantly reminding everyone : Did you get a wonderful present for your exeptionally wonderful mum? , sending open letters from beautiful daughters to their beautiful moms. 🍥Sweet, sweeter, sweetest! 🧁🍭 On those days it's getting harder to simply appreciate what I am, a grown-up, as child negected and hurt by father and mother, trying to cope with my wounds every day, trying to let light shine through the cracks. 🕯 Thank you for the retreat between father's and mother's day! I feel better now, connected and safe within a community that once was lost but now is found! Happy earth-mother 🌱and heavenly🪽-father-days to us all!🦋
My mother hated me. She never let me go out with other kids, I had to stay in the house to clean. She was a monster..... One would never know how she would wake up!!! . It was never enough with either parents.
There are days when it is so clear to me, and then there are days when it's foggy and I question if I imagined it all. I mean, the dynamic between her and my sister is completely different and my sister doesn't remember the difference in treatment. I literally live 15 miles from my mother and only see her once a month for one weekend. I'm a pendulum of emotions ranging from being anxious and upset about perceptions of my treatment, feeling like I did the abuse, feeling terrible for avoiding her and moving out, feeling a bit of resentment for her laziness, and then feeling like she is old now, she's a baby, why aren't you taking care of her
I did try confronting my mom many times, but she always denied or excused her behaviour. Sadly (my mom was BPD ) diagnosed later in her life...she was in her late 70s & never was able to progress or help herself. So of course I was her 'mother' from a very young age.
Even up to a few months before her death, my mom would get into her psychotic fits and actually say "we really don't like each other," projecting her hate onto me, even though I was keeping her out of assisted living. This is me to a T.
I just happened across your video, but I think you might know me at my core. Lol! Thank you for helping to validate my feelings and I look forward to learning more. God bless. 🥰
Yes I have a mother wounds and everything' rings true. I have to cut her off completely now and I've not looked back. It was hurtful at first but now it's just sadness. I've achieved so much since cutting ties. I have put myself first. I am ok with that now. I will never get love from my mother. Her problems she does not want to deal with amd that's fine.
I wouldn't completely cut her off. You can maintain distance. It's doable. My mother doesn't show love. Never. Rarely. Why? She had a tough childhood. I don't communicate much but I have empathy and I haven't completely cut her off. She needs healing.
I tired after no contact for many years many many years 5-10 years! I can’t continue with them anymore I tried and tried I have to work on my own life and child!!!❤
My mother passed away two years ago. I couldn't even cry. All I felt was relief. I told my daughter, prepared for her grief. All she said was, the curse is broken.
When you feel like your own mother doesn't like you, you can't help but feel she's right about you...I can forgive her, she wasn't well. But my childhood was hell. Pure hell.
I never cried at my mum's funeral. For someone like me, who cries like a tick, I think this was really telling. But you can't lose what you never really had, and that I feel is the crux of the matter.
My mom died when I was 18. The most difficult part was that I didn’t know how I was supposed to grieve bc I didn’t feel like I lost anything. Very confusing.
When my mother died I was more in shock that she was finally gone. Among all the different feelings, the relief was huge because I thought thank God she can't hurt anyone any more. And I literally felt like dancing around singing Ding Dong the witch is dead.
@@deborahp7500 oh my goodness!!! My mommy dearest died last year and I sang the same song, combined with Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire... "She's gone where the goblins go, below, below, below down into the burning ring of fire...". She was a despicable human being who took pleasure in hurting others. I went no contact in 2017--several years before she died.
I am ALMOST ashamed of my feelings toward mommy dearest. She tried to destroy me. Healing has been and continues to be a journey. Take care. ❤
Wow, I was coming to say I feel the exact same way but I see there are other commenters that are saying the same thing too. Mine died about 5-6 years ago and I've cherished the peace since she's gone. I am so relieved to not have to pick out a Mother's Day card any more (well, I do get one for my mother-in-law who is much nicer to me than my own mother ever was). I dreaded Mother's Day. She never wished me a Happy Mother's Day ever, despite being a mother for 25+ years. Good riddance.
You believe you are fundamentally flawed. Somehow, before you have memory, you did something so terrible that you must pay for it for the rest of your life. In my case, I wasn't allowed to socialize with people, except in a very strict environment. Like I was some monster they were protecting the world from. I knew what I was allowed to talk about and what was off limits. In 2014 I changed the rules, I was 47. You are not a monster. You are as good as anyone else. It's your life. They control you because you allow it. Stop allowing it! I promise, the world will not stop rotating. You aren't responsible for it rotating anyway! You can't wreck everything, you aren't responsible for everything, you never were. They just told you that. You can’t wreck their life, you aren't responsible for their life, they are!
🙏🏻❤️ Thank you for sharing. 🥲. I’m so happy for you!😊
🎉❤❤❤
Now add the gynocratic feminist system that joins hands and helps stamp that on your son's faces. Where'd all these toxic men that leave us alone doing nothing to us come from?
Now take everything you just wrote and apply it to the current government/media. They are doing the exact same thing to all of us (not allowed to speak freely/political "correctness", wanting to control our every move, medically rape us with untested shots, etc) because we ALLOW IT. Stop complying with tyranny! It's just narcissistic abuse on a wide scale.
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I’m listening to this on Mother’s Day. Sitting alone. I had to go no contact with my mother 15 years ago and I’m still working through the trauma. I’m one who chose not to have children or get married. I remember when I was a little girl, I sat on the couch and cried and asked my mother if she even loved me at all. My question enraged her and she started mocking me and saying in a sarcastic and mean voice, “I love you. Does that make you feel better now are you going to stop crying now?” I remember that room. That couch. Where I was sitting on the couch. Her face. Her voice. Her anger and disgust. It is burned into my soul forever because in that moment, as a little girl, I knew for a fact that my mother did not love me. Mother’s Day is the worst day of the year for me.
Please get therapy, my mum is the same, but if she ruined my life at an early age, I won't let her ruin it now, it's up to you, I wish u healing
I'm so sorry. Please give yourself a chance in therapy to heal... 1:42
Oh no, no the problem is not with you at all. Unfortunately we carry their bags though. You are far more emotionally intelligent and strong than your mother will ever be. Accept it, don’t forgive, your mother is the one with the fundamental deficit. What an awful way to be. I wish we could all get together and support each other. Love from melbourne xo
Oh dear child, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ll pray for you to Mother Mary. You deserve so much more love. You are good and you are wonderful. Your mother did not deserve you.
My mom was not a good mother either, I still remember asking my mom if she loved me, I was about 7 and moved into our old unfinished basement, she finally came down to the basement after I spent all day moving my stuff downstairs. This moment is etched in my mind and I’m almost 60.
When my mother was pregnant with me she suspected my dad had an affair (this was way back in the No Sex During Pregnancy era). I was raised my whole life "knowing" there was something I had done to piss my mother off, but never being able to solve the problem or even fix it. My mother died in my arms not responding to my "I love you, Mom." It wasn't until her funeral that my older sister revealed the root. Even though it all made sense then, there has been such an emptiness that I was raised by a woman who barely tolerated me. That I was a reminder of her loss of cherishment at a crucial time, and that she placed that onus on me. She has been dead 25 years and I still struggle with self-worth and believing I am worthy of being loved just because I exist. I find it difficult to think of looking at a baby in my arms and hating them, but this is what my hear carries to this day.
Awe, this incredibly sad. How tragic. Did you have children? And if so was this a reminder to love them even more?
I grew up with my mother not liking me either, and never really understood why because I was a sweet and shy kid. Spent so much time trying to please her. Her hugs were void of any emotion. I took after my father who was kind and always gave the most sincere hugs. I carried that to my children and always give “big squeeze hugs” and tell them how much I love them and how wonderful they are.
You matter in this world, don’t ever forget that. ❤
My mother made a point of telling me I was the woops baby how I wasn't named for months and then an aunt finally named me. I gave her morning sickness for the whole pregnancy. All because SHE had no control over getting pregnant. She has always kept secrets I wish she had kept this one. Yes at 94 she is still here.
You’re a good daughter to still say you love your Mom after all that emptiness. You deserve to be filled with love.
My heart goes out to you.
You are loved by all of us who have a mother wound ❤
Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like this song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Ooh, aah, mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for president?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Ooh, aah, is it just a waste of time?
Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing
Mama's gonna keep baby cozy and warm
Ooh, babe, ooh, babe, ooh, babe
Of course mama's gonna help build the wall
Mother, do you think she's good enough for me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous to me?
Mother, will she tear your little boy apart?
Ooh, aah, mother, will she break my heart?
Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Mama won't let anyone dirty get through
Mama's gonna wait up 'til you get in
Mama will always find out where you've been
Mamma's gonna keep baby healthy and clean
Ooh, babe, ooh, babe, ooh, babe
You'll always be a baby to me
Mother, did it need to be so high?
Wow.
I am currently 1.5 years no contact with my mother. I finally realized I would never heal from not only her but also the chaos and neglect of my traumatic childhood if I was still getting swirled up into her “dreamland” under constant gaslighting. I also haven’t spoken to my father in about 12 years because of his struggle with addiction. Proud to say the last couple years of my life have been the best yet, the more distance I implement the bigger and brighter I bloom. I cry about it (a lot sometimes) but those feelings are temporary and my healing and growth are not. I really appreciate your channel - thank you for being here!
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Addiction is a stronghold & oftentimes, generational curse. I'd reach out to both parents. You don't have to be close. You can tell them respectfully how you feel. You can be gentle. How would you feel if they were to die tomorrow?
I know what you are talking about.
It is rough.
@@fredrik.og.cato. "When my father & mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up".Psalm 27
I was in your shoes at one time. It DOES get easier, although the journey doesn't come without the occasional set-back. Just take notice when you need to focus on self-care, don't ignore that. It took me a good 2 years, and therapy, to really start healing my wounds. Everybody's journey of healing is different. I wish the best for you in yours.
@@danilaroche1156 it’s a nice notion, I have tried. I think an important part of healing is to know when you have done everything YOU can. They both know where I am and how to contact me, realistically I am the child they are the parent - I should not be in the space of of pleading for or seeking anything from them. A revolving door or hurt and disappointment. I’m in my mid 30s and my life and my peace are more important than EVER. When I think about having my parents part of it all, the fantasy is quickly replaced with EMPTY, bleak and unfulfilling (I can almost feel the pain).
Wow...love is conditional. I had this from BOTH my parents....and I'm an only child. However, I differ in the sense that I would yell back at my parents. I am very used to being alone. It was survival for me. Both my parents passed now. I forgive them.
Now, after decades of self-inflicted abuse towards myself I simply remove myself from people. I don't think I can ever fully trust or rely on anyone but it's better then every relationship I entered, I was an anxiously attached freak. My self reliance protects me but also isolates me
Oh thank you so much for your comment!!!
I also used to yell back at my mother. I hated how she always played the victim and how my father would come to rescue her from any discussion we were having.
She would always dismiss my feelings as unimportant or dismiss my view of the world as wrong, and when I tried setting boundaries or expressing my opinion she would cry as if I was attacking her by only being a separate being and having different thoughts.
I follow these videos and always feel like my parents were incredibly anxious and immature, but I never can relate to the part of not fighting back.
I fought back with all my might and it even created more problems.
I was labeled as difficult, bad, and wrong in the head.
And fighting back also reaffirmed the belief that I was bad and unlovable.
Nowadays I am a nervous wreck, almost deaf and completely dependent on others for economic support.
How did you manage to survive your experience, or even change some of your core beliefs?
I didn’t ever wonder if my mom loved me. I KNEW she didn’t.
"Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not as bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate" Bonnie Burstow, Radical Feminine Therapy
Mhhh me and my dad😢
I am interested into how these wounds are generational and travel through many generations.
After decades of trying to get along, or fight, or make them listen, or ignore their behavior, I heard my mother say "I have to love you, but I don't have to like you." and that put a spotlight on our relationship my entire life, back to my first memories. I cut off contact almost 10 years ago, which stopped the direct wounding. But I know I'm the subject of her gossip and alienating me from the rest of my relatives. I've accepted this, and created a chosen family. Funny thing is, for a year before I stopped calling her I stopped telling her anything about me or my life. I just let her have the stage and chatter on without taking a pause to breathe. It was eye opening, and let me watch the process and made it easier for me to let go of the relationship. When I stopped calling, she never called me, again, showing me I was right. Therapy helps, but darn those scars run deep and I keep stumbling across them, feeling the same feelings when someone is gaslighting me or blaming me for something outside my control.
I’m guessing this is for way more damaged people but as an adult I finally found the love and respect by actually putting the pieces together of how she was raised her life her goals and then the genetically and social pressures she constantly broke barriers with education and self reliance making her own money and prioritizing financial security over so many other issues… when I finally was old enough to o stop blaming her for being a very damaged person during my early childhood I can look at it from the perspective that she was a completely independent financially, independent woman, successful in those rights, and then thrust into the role of being a mother of two small children, and this was in her late 30s she gave up all her freedom everything to stay at home and raise us. Her husband was an alcoholic. Her husband‘s family wears the ones she wanted to and unsuccessfully impressed. She also suffered from a few bouts of cancer and as kids we were never brought into these conversations or knew about any of it, so I cannot imagine the amount of depression, isolation, loneliness, and helplessness that she went through and my heart is bigger and more full of love for her as a grown woman than it ever was as an immature 10 year old child, who may have experienced abuse, but knowing what she went through, she’s become more than an inspiration…. she looked out for us, financially set up everything she possibly could so whatever we lacked in emotional support, she took care of us financially with her intelligence she’s an idol she’s iconic. Everybody knows her I wish we could have talked more, but that’s my selfishness and her trials and tribulations, unfortunately are so easy to be spread out by psychobabble like shit that you say. I also have a degree in psychology, and the only difference that I wish I sufficiently stowed upon my children is the physical love and affection and the talking about what is going on in life so they can recognize what is disorder versus cruelty, versus addiction versus learned behaviors, and how to break those cycles
I feel so seen. Thank you. I finally ditched her for good a few months ago. After several years of her ignoring my going no contact, I told her she made me feel unloved my entire life. She responded by saying, "Oh I did, even though you made it impossible". SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME I'M UNLOVABLE. 🤦♂️
wow. where was this information when i was young , before mother dearest destroyed me. took until i was 57.. .i enjoy watching and learning with you, you voice is calming for my cptsd and no back ground music. thank you!
My mom said "well at least we didn't sexually abuse you" I grew up trying to protect my mother from my physically abusive father. He's come home drunk and get her out of bed and hit her. I would try to hold on to her when I feel asleep hoping I could protect her. She chose my father over her childrens well being. That's been my job since I was a child, protecting her. I was going to see her every summer and she always said hurtful things so I've decided never to go back. I just don't want to be involved with her anymore. My brothers are who she is supportive of. I'm done with the drama. I heard someone say that drama is for those who have stranded intellect. I agree with that statement.
These comments got me tearing up! It’s so hard when your mother is so consumed in pleasing someone else not to see her beautiful child in front of her. At some point we get to see the wonderful loving person we are and give back to ourselves.
My mam said this time me well at least you can say your stepfather never sexually abused you,I was in shock,he came to live with us and my 2 brothers when I was 6 up until 24 mentally and physically a abusive to my mum and older brother our mum still loves him hes dead yrs I'm now 59 ❤❤
Thank you for being real (cat hair 🤭)
Thank you for saying these words out loud... hearing them is healing for me.
I am so grateful for you, Dr. Kim
Hearing the words...helps. Yes, I agree. I needed to hear them 50 years ago though. I'm SO glad these issues are addressed, there really is a need for it.
@Joanne B There is so much finally being brought to light. The chains that have bound humanity are being broken, and true healing and love are now covering everyone who wishes to receive. The veil is being lifted. The Great Awakening is truly happening. We ARE shifting to the new earth. One filled with love for ourselves and then for all others around us.
Loving someone else does not mean we are in their lives.... going "no contact" is a way of loving someone... because we love ourselves first.
Blessed be.
Sending love for your journey ✨️ 💛 💕 💖 💗 ❤️
@@Dee-Ann_Louise SO BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!! ✨🥰✨
Wow.....this describes the relationship I had with my Mother to a "T". The more I pushed to have my separate self, the worse our relationship became. She gave me an ultimatum when I was 33, her way or estrangement. I chose estrangement and never looked back. My brother didn't escape, he never became his separate self. He literally wasted his entire life trying to achieve goals that constantly moved his whole life....even though he was the favorite. When she passed, he was utterly lost and ultimately chose to end his life.
Omg. This is so spot on, it’s almost spooky. You must be a really good therapist. I also feel like being able to control your child, your spouse, with anger is a real high for them. They love to pull the strings even if they make everybody else miserable. Sick. And they maybe don’t realize or just don’t care that when their victim breaks free, the victim is going to hate the abuser’s guts forevermore.
Yup. It all hit home for me too.....all of it. I'm just glad I eventually did break free. It was quite liberating.
Before I clicked on this video, I thought, no I probably have healed a lot from being wounded by my mother and I’m probably OK now and we have a decent relationship.… But I was very surprised when I realized I still check every single box on this list.
This is so accurate. It feels activating, but also validating. I’m proud of myself that I’m in a place, where I understand these things so clearly and are actively taking deep care of myself. Not just regarding her, but with everyone or anyone. I’m stating truths, realities, setting firm boundaries, staying true to myself. Letting others, including her, take responsibility for themselves. There’s more. I’m no longer a dumping ground, scapegoat, toy, source of entertainment, target, etc. Not that they don’t still try. You know how people think they can treat you as they always have? They don’t want to lose that control. Some people have exited my life, on their own or by my request. I’m vetting people as they come, now. In breaking old cycles, I practice my newer self advocating skills. It can be difficult, doing all kinds of stuff to my central nervous system. But, I feel so much better overall. It’s slowly becoming easier. I think I’ve become my best supporter. I can look at myself and know that I have my own back. I know there’s much more to come in this journey of undoing. I trust myself. Thank you for this message. As I go, these type of messages are helpful for re-centering and grounding. 🩶🙏🏽
Sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker 😅.
That's so strange that I found all these signs and traced the roots of my traumas, like, years ago, and even explained it all in the same words as you used in the video. It's like to hear myself but from another person. Strange feeling. But it's great that more and more people are paying attention to such themes and starting to discuss it without afraid of being ashamed.
The sad thing is that even this knowledge can't help me :) The wounds are too deep, psychologists in my country are just terrible and AD don't help me (and I tried a lot of them). But I hope that your videos will help to others to find inner peace, I really hope. Thank you for your job!
You can help yourself learning from people online like her. Good luck to you🙏🏻
Some things that helped me are Stellate Ganglion Block for PTSD. It got me out of fight or flight and I was able to move forward. If that’s not right for you, there is therapeutic ketamine which helps more with depression. There are other things, of course, but these are worth checking out and seeing if these might be for you.
Forget about it, look forwards.
Your English is very good :-) and unfortunately, I have found therapy to be very ineffective with the exception of some group therapies where I could relate to others. The groups helped me feel validated and relatable which helped a lot. But I agree with you, the wounds are very deep and may never completely heal… We call them scars :-) which are different than wounds, because they don’t hurt anymore but they are visible, for us and everyone else to see. instead of trying to rid myself of the past, I just make it part of who I am now and try my best to live my best.
What finally worked for me was discovering Self Compassion meditation and developing a friendship with Jesus. I now believe that every person is put on our path to help us grow spiritually. To quote Rumi - ‘the wound is the place where the light enters you’. I hope you find peace eventually 🕊
This resonated deeply! My mother is a covert narcissist.
Mine as well
I never believed that my mom cared for or about me. I have very few real memories from childhood that were good, but boy whenI started to shine in acting in plays my mom tore me apart in any way she could so I would fail. ugh.
I never felt me mum loved me either. She was a selfish narcissist n perpetual victim. Me mum did same 2 me when I shined in ballet. She ruined n ended it the week b4 I was 2 get my tutu. I don't think I ever really got over that tbh. I was so looking 4ward 2 feeling pretty in a tutu.
I'm at 12 years no contact with my mother. I've worked on myself extensively with many modalities. Yet there's a 5 year old in me who experiences murderous rage when I think of her
Same here. That murderous rage never subsides. Even though I pray to God and "forgive" her every day. And the rage is not just toward Mommy Dearest, its against ALL narcissists/psychopaths, especially the ones in high positions currently destroying this nation and the world.
Mother’s Day must be awful!!
I know mine was in reflection, but my beautiful children were there so I had to snap out of that spiral! 😅
Peace to you
Thank you for the validation dear heart ♥ Yes, i know now my single mother was a narcisist who make my childhood a special kind of hell and it certainly prepared me for a husband who also turned out to be a narcisist! I'm 74 and finally free of these two demons who absolutely drained me every which way. I'm lucky to have survived their insanity and am trying to beat the depression and love myself enough to heal. Unfortunately, I don't know if it's even possible. You certainly are an inspiration to us out here ... God bless us all.XOXOXO.
Everything will get better, and I hope it does for you
Yes, it’s never too late therapy helped me, give it a try.
This BREACH between mother and daughter is heartbreaking. LOVE is so deeply important. CONNECTION is so deeply important. This system is oppressive and damaging. Getting educated about patriarchy, misogyny and oppression to understand what we are up against and find compassion , is the path out of this. #DownWithPatriarchy. I am getting educated. I am shocked by what I have learned and DEEPLY SAD at what has been done to girls/womyn/mothers...by a system that used them. Let it begin with ME. I have one voice, one vote and I will reach to STOP punching down on HER, but learn and find compassion so SHE can heal...so I can HEAL. Maybe you will too. Love & Light & Education.
Narcissism has nothing to do with "patriarchy"....Narcissism comes in both sexes. It's called WICKEDNESS. Go spread your communist BS elsewhere.
Have you ever heard of the Mothers of Darkness? THEY are/were in more control of this assumed world 'Patriarchy' in which you've come to believe is our world's #1 problem. And they are women. Might want to dive deeper into whom humankind's enemy really is before jumping on nefarious bandwagons.
I’m so grateful for you. There are many times (like right now) when I feel completely disconnected, wanting to numb out, depressed and feeling broken and then I remember your videos and I watch one and you remind me why I’m feeling this way. This is such a difficult path and I’m so grateful that I have your videos to guide you through this. Thank you 🙏🏻
A BRUTAL.mother is the enemy of a healthy mind.
Never give up.
And, a bonus, "they hate it".
:)
Once again, Dr, Sage, this is spot on! Everything you said rings true for me. Especially the part where you said that we don't share parts of our lives with her. I have hidden things from my mother since I can ever remember to avoid her judgement, criticism. punishment and ridicule. Then she would call me conniving and secretive and use my sister to try to gain information. I'm almost 50 now and we have very limited contact, I have no contact with that sister, and they know almost nothing about my life. It is peaceful.
Oh..boy. Gaping, oozing wound!!
I took one of those family DNA tests to see if perhaps I was adopted. Now I realize that our true family means love and that means so much more than DNA! 😃❤️ Thankfully I have wonderful in-laws and friends and a church that I treasure now as family. The people I grew up with had a locked gate around them and I know now that I simply never had the right key.
Me too! I was somehow hoping that would explain it, but not the case.
Some women don’t have mothering instincts. My aunt told me that some cows are very protective of their calves and some give birth and just keep walking. My mom has deep wounds from feeling unloved herself and I understand what drives her. Nevertheless, I took a 17-year break from her and it was good for me. She described it as the most painful thing that ever happened to her. As usual, it was all about her. But I’m OK now and I pray for her almost daily. My point is, cut the cord and make your life about you until you’re strong enough to deal with them again. Forgiveness is key. God bless.
I take EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.!!
I'VE BEEN PEOPLE PLEASING ALL MY LIFE.
I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.
BUT I SURE AS HELL KNOW WHAT LOVE ISN'T.
my mother is OVERT NARCISSISTIC.!!!!!!!
My mother's love was definitely conditional, and I have felt all my life that I was only good enough to be loved if I achieved at a high standard. But, starting from an early age, my reaction was anger. At one point, I didn't call her for 10 years. It has taken me over 70 years to learn how to deal with this in a positive way, and it still an ongoing process.
My reaction was anger too.
I find myself always believing her when she told me I was bad or too much or incorrect, because I always choose to fight back and that was the proof she needed to keep telling me I was bad.
How did you detach from that sense of being rotten inside? How did you change your core beliefs about yourself?
I can't truthfully say I always deal with it well, but when I do, it involves being aware of it the second I get triggered. AND being with that long enough to not just lash out. I'm trying to be conscious of the anger when I feel it and then pause before launching into a knee jerk reaction. It's the hardest thing I've ever worked on. And this may sound like it wouldn't work, but I say the Oh Ho Pono Pono prayer when I'm alone, and put my name into the "I love you" part. If I do it long enough, it shifts that anger and sorrow to something I can live with. Blessings to you, and know you're not the only one who deals with this.@@alballumnova
Forgiving my mother, and accepting she did the best she could, while having safe internal and external boundaries, knowing who I am in Christ has been key to my own healing.
I kind of “self gaslight” as to whether my mom is actually as dysfunctional as EVERYONE in my life who has met her said she is. Then when you said the first sign is wondering whether your mother loved you, I remembered all the discussions with my husband late at night about whether my mom loves me, the time as a teenager she specifically said she didn’t LIKE me, and I finally felt able to admit that yes, she’s dysfunctional.
Absolutely true. We feel we have to make everything right for others. Ps...... I LOVE that wallpaper behind you❤
The video explains and confirms, the comments underneath are comforting as it's not just my experience.
I had a very loving mother who breastfed me as a premature baby in the early weeks of my life had to stop breastfeeding me and hand me back to the hospital nursery because of her family and health as I was the last born at 28 weeks in 1954 and I still carry this today
There is definitely something to be said about breastfeeding. My Mom refused to breastfeed me and she told me that was highly accepted in the early 70's. I later heard her say several times that her sister had absolutely no breasts left after feeding my 2 cousins who were 1-3 years older than me. 🙄 I've never been close with her; her love was always conditional.
When I was a child, I asked "mum, do you love me?" (the word love was considered stupid in our home). She said: "of course I love you, aren't parents supposed to love their children?", There was no smile, no hug. She looked annoyed.
These sub human descendants of Cain have no clue what love is.
Damn this is a good video. Hits home hard. Sounds like a mother wound borders on a narcissistic parent.
My mom didn't even communicate with me. If she did it was just instructions. When I had friends over she paid attention to them my birthday parties (both of them) she made it about her. I didn't realize she didn't like me until her funeral 13 yrs ago, even though my therapist told me "your looking for your Dad & marrying your mother!" So solo I will be until I get my funeral ⚱️ I wish others would figure this out. The only people who come around want for me to give more & don't ask for return. So much like mother 😢
I as a 69yr old Brit bloke have been a Mother and Father to my 3 children and 13 Grandchildren and my 5 Great-Grandchildren most who have never met my ex-wife mother of my children, My daughter remembers my mother for the insulting words that left her mouth, I miss neither women in my life
This is 💯 my experience with my mother. It’s super messed up and discouraging. So tired of it. Loving and validating myself, focusing on my life. ❤
My mother had exceptionally early onset dementia. She did the best she could. But I also have learned it caused me a lot of harm. Learning to mother myself & let my friends love me.
I have mother wounds. I’m 60. A couple of years ago I found out that my mother has mother wound. Wow. 😮😢
Yes. Thus stuff gets passed down generational, for sure.
My mother is a clever one. She has treated me very poorly and conditionally in the past, and continues to express her "I know better so do what I say" psychology to this day. I asserted myself and my boundaries, but it is a constant battle. I have had to shout at her and threaten to leave forever to get her compliance in giving me my freedoms back. But she has managed to leave a wound I don't know if will heal. She came between me and my romantic/sexual relationships.
I love that wallpaper
Thank you for giving this phenomenon a voice and a name. Such an effective coping tool 🔧
Man.... that was some information that resonated deep into my freaking soul...😳
Thank you for this video. It probably comes with no surprise, of how much damage a mother can inflict, whether intentional or not.
My mother had a traumatic childhood and was a foster child in the 1930s and 1940s. As an adult, she had two failed marriages and a bad relationship between. She never finished high school. She had 5 children, all boys from her relationships, and I was the youngest and the only one that she kept and raised. The other 4 were given up and were subsequently put into foster care. At times, I've often times questioned if I was the "lucky one"
She passed away over 20 years ago. I did and still love her in spite of our differences. I'm glad that she finely found peace .
Oh wow, bingo. I did know that what my mom did was wrong, but it has taken me a long time to figure things out but this is me for sure, and she is still doing this. I could never do anything right. Even though I am aware of many things I am still in this at 57. Every part of this is bang on, thanks.
I could not believe I was hearing so many thoughts and fears I have had over the years put into words. My mother detested me. From an early age I was beaten with an electric cord till I was black and blue. Then at age 7 put in an orphanage till she married again and her new husband took me out so he could sexually abuse me. I was so terrified of him that it overcame my fear of her and I broke down and told her what was happening. She took his side and believed his denial. I was told to get out at the age of 14 and didn’t see or speak to her for nearly 30 years and only then because my husband insisted I should forgive her. After that I spoke on the phone to her maybe once or twice a year. I saw her one more time when she was on her death bed. I really wanted to have some kind of closure where we fell into each others arms and everything would be better. How wrong I was. When she saw me she screamed abuse at me and told me to get out she died shortly after. I don’t feel the slightest guilt that I didn’t shed a tear or feel grief.
Thank you Dr Sage you are a healing influence in my life.❤❤❤
That monster is where she belongs now. With her father satan.
I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through 😢 You are amazingly made to survive through all that! I pray you find true healing 🙏 ❤
Right away, @1:55 I can relate to all of this. I remember wondering about that when i was 5, and many times since. And the guilt was always there, too.
I was told, within the past couple of years, "You were NEVER innocent," even though it was admitted that i would always tell the truth when i was small. Even if i knew that i was going to be punished and spanked hard.
But the Golden Child was always "innocent," even when she maliciously lied, manipulated, bullied, (physically, knowing we couldn't hit back), thought herself entitled to anything we possessed, and appointed herself dictator over her siblings.
Apparently honesty was not nearly so valued as I'd been led to believe. I lied, as a teenager, and once again, it became important. Unless the GC did it. Then "it doesn't matter."
Wasn't aware I had this going on but makes so much sense now that I see this. Very healing to watch.
Thank you ❤ This is exactly what I've had to go through. I'd receive compliments as a kid from people, then my mom would dismantle me. It continued til I went no contact last year. The spoiled lazy bratty kid got away with everything and blamed me for things I didn't do. My mom loves this child and approves of all of the malicious devious behavior. They team up against me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for my mom. I needed to see this video. Thank you Dr. Sage ❤
Dismantle. That's a good word to describe what my mother did too. Didn't matter if it was a compliment from someone, or getting a really good grade, job promotion, getting an award, whatever. It's like she couldn't handle me achieving anything good or rewarding without just tearing it all down. I went no contact when I was 33, I'm 61 now. I don't regret the decision one bit.
I am sorry you had to go through that too.❤ It is insidious. Then they deny abusing you by telling anyone who'll listen that they are not abusers. You know the truth...they did the abuse !!! The dismantling is unfair along with their denial.
My mom butchered my hair and dressed me like a boy. When I would me mistaken for one in public she didn’t correct it. She was jealous of my dads love for me. Very sick women.
I (54 m) was born as the product of rape. My mother took her own life when i was 3 yrs old. This video really hit home.
Your videos are akin to a warm hug with no conditions. ❤
Yes, my mother was never there for me and I was for her. I will never get. That approval because she is gone. I.became a nother myself in an abusive relationship and tried to protect my children and myself. I am divorced now and remarried.and children are grown.
Wow, you did it again Dr. Sage. I totally relate to the mother who can’t be satisfied & is never grateful & the fact that we choose her over ourselves just to survive & feeling like we can’t survive without her even though it’s so painful. Now 21 years into my marriage & my husband who has great qualities but also reminds me so much of her has been diagnosed with cancer & I feel like I can’t survive without him. That feeling of codependency is so strong in our relationship, I’ve always been more attentive to his needs than he has to been to mine. He has a lack of empathy & compassion & I am an empath. Sometimes life just seems so unfair! I know there are many lessons to learn here & I hope i learn them & finally find peace. I hope the same for all of you!❤
You are not alone. I have a very similar life story. Blessings and strength to you!
Thank you Dee❤
Your response to a msg I forgot I had written came at the perfect moment! 🥰
I really don't know what I did wrong with my child, but she decided to cut the contact. I always supported her, told her how wonderful she is and I would always be there for her. I'm just not woke. I'm a wounded mother. How about that? I love to be her mother, but admittedly I had a problem with the influence of her narcistic father and I warned her not to become his flying monkey. I feel she became just that, I think. 😢
Thank you for these videos. If only I could find a validating therapist like you in REAL life. I have spent SO much money in the past few years, and I’m wondering if it’s time to give up seeking outside professional help. I think maybe I just don’t live in a sophisticated enough area…there is so much validating info in the academic, literature, and UA-cam sphere, but the actual practitioners I can access are just not the same. I’ll keep watching your videos and try to do whatever work I can myself for now. ❤
This is quite fascinating.
Thank you Dr Sage, always great info♥️ side note … luv the wallpaper!!😊
if my sister and I ever wrote a book, the title would be “Don’t Tell Mom”.
To this day, I am very closed to her about my job, my relationships, my interests because things like that would be met with ridicule or some sort of comment.
I've never seen it so clearly anywhere. This helps immensely to move on. Many thanks for this and all my love. Kind regards
My mother abandoned me when I was two yo and 70+ years later it still hurts. I blamed myself til I realized she left my 5yo brother too & he never did anything to deserve the cruelty.
My dad got released from prison when I was 10. He rejected me too but I only wanted Mt fantasy mum.
😢 I’m sorry, you deserved so much better!!!
My mother’s mother died suddenly on my 3rd birthday, and my mom hinted my entire childhood that it was somehow my fault. She never recovered from her mom’s death, and it was my fault. I knew mentally it wasn’t true but I felt bad about myself anyway.
My gosh how accurate and detailed have you described my relationships with my mom! I mean, _all_ of it fits with a satisfying click. Damn. I have some questions to ask her probably...
Dam the title!!!😂😂😂 Had to watch it, been in no contact with my mother in 3 yrs and prior to that 5 years. Every time she comes back all she does it lie... Even my three son's dont want to know her and I even encouraged them to bond with her and she just did the same but with gifts to begin with and then nothing at all... Alive or gone, doesnt matter to me, she messed me up so much, all I attract in narcs... Cheers for that mother...😂😂😂 Staying stoic now.
I Get along with my Mother now, and, she did not hate me when I was growing up, BUT, she would every so often come out with "I love you, I just don't like what you do"? So, it was kind like saying, "I like the facade, but, I just don't like the Interior"? That always sort of hurt me inside! I was young and crazy!! Now she's in her 90's and "I try my hardest to help her with her life's conditions"! I've basically let everything go, just a little residue is still lingering!
Whoa I was just thinking about how I hate how my mom will use a baby voice with me and squish my face and I’m 31. I’ve even asked not to do this and she doesn’t care at all. Then she always makes herself seem like a victim and I’m this raging tyrant. She constantly tell people “oh can’t do this or say this or she (me) will get mad at me”
Yes. Best description I've heard. I had anxiety young. I then have to deal with grief from her suicide. So much to feel.
🕊 💙
Most of us, not me.
Like your video:)
Thank you for this.Another lightbulb moment here.I appreciate your videos as they have helped me make more sense of what happened
I was just browsing through UA-cam and at first glance, I thought this was Chelsea Handler. The title really threw me. Enlightening content.
I have felt & lived by all the points you have mentioned in this video. I am now sixty years old & it has been only the last few years that I have finally realised that it was my mother that caused all these feelings & the rules I felt I had to live by, otherwise I wasn’t worthy or came up to her standards. She often told me she loved me but I often heard her say other things under her breathe to my detriment or she would reprimand me if I didn’t behave to her standards & ideals & so now at this point in my life I do wonder if she truly did love me to the extent I hoped & believed she did growing up. My mother passed away in 2015 & I feel there are a lot of unresolved issues within our relationship that are still lingering & so I can’t find any peace. I’m a very confused individual because of the way my mother related to me growing up & all throughout my life. Thank you Dr Sage for helping me to understand this condition further & reinstating what I thought was the truth all along 💐
I sent this to my youngest Daughter (I have 5 daughters) thinking that she would benefit from it but then I realized that I also benefited greatly~ My “real” mom and dad split when I was 18 months and I saw her once when I was 11 yrs old and never again until she passed (I felt absolutely no sadness)~ My dad remarried 4 times after that so I’m sure that I have some wounding~ Grateful for you and this channel~❤
This series is so relevant and helpful to me at this time in my life!! Thank you
I could so totally relate to everything said here. Its like you were reading my mind. Its not just me having these feelings and beliefs.
(I could totally relate to the cat hairs in the mouth too.)
I relate to this so much! I always thought that I must've done some despicable atrocity in my previous life and that my mom could somehow sense it from the moment I was born. Oh man, she never told me a kind, warm, loving word, but did make sure to tell me many times how I looked like a chimpanzee when I was born, as well as that I resembled her in-laws whom she hated.
I still can't figure how my parents managed to FORGET to by me milk formula knowing that my mother wouldn't nurse me. I spent my first night at home crying. Wonderful story...
Such valuable content. A small suggestion to improve quality...please get a better microphone to eliminate the echo sound. A small clip on.
Thanks Dr. Sage.
Wish you could perhsps use a clip mic to improve audio. The room echo makes it a bit difficult to listen. Otherwise great videos.👍
Hej, everybody, how do you feel about mother's-day? Re-traumatizes me every year! It's getting even harder as time goes by, because the "hype" is getting louder with social media, constantly reminding everyone : Did you get a wonderful present for your exeptionally wonderful mum? , sending open letters from beautiful daughters to their beautiful moms. 🍥Sweet, sweeter, sweetest! 🧁🍭
On those days it's getting harder to simply appreciate what I am, a grown-up, as child negected and hurt by father and mother, trying to cope with my wounds every day, trying to let light shine through the cracks. 🕯
Thank you for the retreat between father's and mother's day! I feel better now, connected and safe within a community that once was lost but now is found! Happy earth-mother 🌱and heavenly🪽-father-days to us all!🦋
My mother hated me. She never let me go out with other kids, I had to stay in the house to clean. She was a monster..... One would never know how she would wake up!!! . It was never enough with either parents.
Same exact thing word 4 word.
This describes my relationship with my father and , to a lesser degree my mother
ua-cam.com/video/BV5_PQHofN0/v-deo.htmlsi=bax_eYKVeizOQ7El
Sage is an appropriate surname...
Physical symptoms and illnesses - what are they?
There are days when it is so clear to me, and then there are days when it's foggy and I question if I imagined it all. I mean, the dynamic between her and my sister is completely different and my sister doesn't remember the difference in treatment. I literally live 15 miles from my mother and only see her once a month for one weekend. I'm a pendulum of emotions ranging from being anxious and upset about perceptions of my treatment, feeling like I did the abuse, feeling terrible for avoiding her and moving out, feeling a bit of resentment for her laziness, and then feeling like she is old now, she's a baby, why aren't you taking care of her
I forgave my mother but I never cared to have a relationship with her. She will always be the person you can not trust.
Thank you. Yes to pretty much all of this for me 😢
I did try confronting my mom many times, but she always denied or excused her behaviour. Sadly (my mom was BPD ) diagnosed later in her life...she was in her late 70s & never was able to progress or help herself. So of course I was her 'mother' from a very young age.
Thank you, I’m so glad to have found your channel
Well i definitely wondered if my dad liked me, even now honestly.
Even up to a few months before her death, my mom would get into her psychotic fits and actually say "we really don't like each other," projecting her hate onto me, even though I was keeping her out of assisted living. This is me to a T.
I have to smoke pot and take LSD to feel normal my mother scarred me permanently
Big facts here! 👍🏼❣️
I just happened across your video, but I think you might know me at my core. Lol! Thank you for helping to validate my feelings and I look forward to learning more. God bless. 🥰
Yes I have a mother wounds and everything' rings true. I have to cut her off completely now and I've not looked back. It was hurtful at first but now it's just sadness. I've achieved so much since cutting ties. I have put myself first. I am ok with that now. I will never get love from my mother. Her problems she does not want to deal with amd that's fine.
I wouldn't completely cut her off. You can maintain distance. It's doable. My mother doesn't show love. Never. Rarely. Why? She had a tough childhood. I don't communicate much but I have empathy and I haven't completely cut her off. She needs healing.
@@danilaroche1156 Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5. This applies to an abusive mother as well. Re-read verse 5!!
@@danilaroche1156 I also have empathy and God seperated me from the egg donor who wanted to destroy me. Everyone's situation is not yours....
@@reesedaniel5835 I know. I'll look at the verses ASAP. Thanks.
I tired after no contact for many years many many years 5-10 years! I can’t continue with them anymore I tried and tried I have to work on my own life and child!!!❤