Today I learned us autistic people have something called delayed processing. This explains why i stayed in horrible situation in a freeze mode, or didn't react as a should've
You mentioning he's make you feel childish, ridiculous and silly for liking the things that you like made me chuckle. I live with an abusive family member and one of the things I started doing when I got officially diagnosed (long before my family even knew about it) was try to start to unmask and embracing my special interests - and some of those are quite literally things you associate with little kids (like coloring books and plushies). As soon as my abusive family member took notice, she started making jokes and trying to embarrass me in front of other family members, my friends, and even total strangers. However, for the first time in my life, I fought back in a way I never had before - by engaging with those things even more and self-advocating. I'd say things like "Yeah, I sleep with a plushie next to my pillow, so what? Clearly you could use one yourself if you're so jealous about it that you need to make fun of it" and it backfired pretty quickly for her because everyone outside of my family that she would tried to embarrass me in front of would take my side and defend me from her. And, even within my family, everyone got sick and tired of her jokes pretty quickly. So I was just left alone to be as childish as I wanted to and I am way happier now than I ever was when I was a child and proud of myself for standing up to her.
My narc, sorry, EX narc, did that to me as well. I’ve always been into heavy metal and I like the t-shirts etc etc. I’m 60 now, and she used to say you’re such a child for still wearing band t-shirts and listening to the music (I admit, i get excited when I find t-shirts, new cd/vinyl, listening to it etc). Made me feel shame and doubt myself (I’m also on the spectrum). Hope you are happy and in a good place now 💪
Hi Dana! There’s a known term for the rapid changes of topics that abusers do, and I thought I’d share it just in case no one has mentioned it: it’s called “moving the goalposts”. It’s a big no-no in coherent dialogue. It fucks the recipient up. It sounds like you’ve completely identified the pattern. Just thought I’d share the term for the viewers use. It seems to help put a stop to engaging with the abuser easier if one has the term. (Of course, if the recipient names the behavior to the behavior, they will gaslight the recipient or make the term the next thing to attack. It’s one of those internal boundaries, said inside one’s own head: “oh he is moving the goalposts, so that means he is not engaging in a coherent conversation and it’s not my job to make him. It’s my job to remove myself from this conversation in order to maintain psychological safety.”) I’m glad you got out! Here’s the a discussion of the term. In debate, it’s a foul. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moving_the_goalposts
Thank you! Through reflection I’ve been able to recognise a lot of the patterns and what he generally did to make me feel bad, but without being able to google entire situations, it’s super hard to know any of the actual terms for things, so this is hugely appreciated!
I thought my grandma was loving and caring when she was SAing me. (both of them, one worse than the other). I thought my mom was a great super mom. When she was hard core covert masking. She also brought in to my house disgusting racist bigoted people to abuse me. My dad was a son husband who ritually humiliated and bullied me. My dad married an entire abusive step family and they all ganged up on me so bad I had to go no contact. My hair fell out at age 21-22. The doctor thought it was male hair pattern baldness. But it was stress and abuse that caused it.
nonviolent abusers are still abusers, and i didn't get it for a long time. the neglect and torment my family members and my classmates put me through set me up to be a perfect little target. "i just thought it was normal." Exactly, and nobody cared enough to notice and tell me otherwise. The nice days really did confuse me, how could an abuser be so nice? But he really undermined even the smallest things, like going to the store he'd rush me to the point I couldn't process or he'd pretend he couldn't understand me over and over, do things and then deny doing them, and then he'd casually draw attention to me as my frustration grew. Just one example. i used to feel so guilty all of the time because of his manipulations, blamed myself like you did. Even as he conspired with other men online to destroy me bit by bit for their pleasure, so he could get male validation. i've stopped blaming myself.
you mention men on the internet and male validation. Id replace those words with other evil people. or with narcissists. because evil is in about 15% of population man woman and child.
Hello Dana, you described classic narcissism . Been there. People often experience complex PTSD as a consequence of this type of abuse. Leaving was absolutely the right thing to do. It wasn't your fault, you're perfectly you. People accept you, or they don't, but that works both ways. You will heal. 🐪
these situations made me realize I have autism because this abuse tactic has been used on me over and over and I only realized it was abuse with my last ex. my family has done this to me my entire life and I never understood it and thought I was just a horrible person
I got really good at not forgetting what the argument was really about after living for about 7 or 8 years with a partner who was psychologically pretty broken from both their childhood and a previous relationship, and pretty psychologically abusive as a result, who would argue circles around naïve, autistic little me, and yes, took everything I'd say and turn it into the new thing to argue about or condemn me for. I can't believe how long, how many years, it took me to realize I had to say, constantly, "That is NOT what we're arguing about," to get it to stop. They finally got therapy to deal with their past, and got miles better as a human being, but I lost those years of my life forever, _prime_ years no less, and I still f-ing resent that fact to this day and wish I had just left to take my chances elsewhere and elsewhom before I lost all of that time to constant sadness and depression. Plus it broke _me_ in many ways and turned me into a much less nice person for a long time, because I couldn't trust anyone and I expected people to be crappy to me and I would always start from a defensive position that almost certainly turned people off of _me._
I have put myself in so many situations that could have gone horribly wrong. I met a guy on Tinder. We spoke on the phone, talked about sex and the fact that I would not have it until I could get on birth control. Talked about other stuff and set up a date. He would pick me up, bring me to his apartment, cook for me, I would bring vodka and we watch a movie together. Cute, fun, innocent date. Did I realize that this was a setup for netflix & chill? No. Was I aware what netflix & chill is? Absolutely. The fact that the words weren't those made me believe nothing would be happening besides maybe making out. More stuff happened and I still don't know how I feel about it. He had a roommate who showed up in the middle of the night. So, not only was I drunk, had done more than I initially wanted to, in a city I didn't know and a good distance away from home, I was also alone with two gym bros. The fact that nothing bad happened is something I'm still incredibly grateful for. I was 22 at the time. Theoretically I was aware of what could happen but the fact that it was called a date made me feel completely confident this would be fine. When we talk about social awareness, being naive and a people pleaser, autism being a disability, etc., this is exactly one of those things. I tend to see through things the more time I have away from people. It took me years to realize how much I suffered in my last friendship. It was so unhealthy and when I finally decided to end it, it took minutes to feel incredible relief. I feel it to this day whenever think about her.
I think having the PDA profile can make it even more difficult (for some people) to recognize that a situation is/can put you in danger because even if you have more social awereness and less naivety your nervous system might just not recognize or interpret dangerous situations as threatening if it doesn't perceive said situation to be a demand/potential threat to your autonomy. Obviously not recognizing dangers isn't exclusive to PDA and im not trying to say that a person that is not PDA cannot have it as hard or harder, but thats how I experience things as someone who relate to the PDA profile (its defenetly possible that someone with this profile have a different experience)
@@kimorox813 Interesting! PDA is something I experience as well. Never thought of it that way. Also, an anxious person is someone who experiences a lot of stress and fight or flight on a daily basis. That can make it difficult to distinguish between general discomfort and actual threat. Because most things feel threatening.
If you believe you were getting targetted because you were autistic, it then comes as hate crimes against a disabled person. Financially abusing you by making you pay his credit card bills (which he ran up and not you) could be regarded as exploiting an autistic person (which comes under hate crine); "Mate Crime".
I think I was just an easy target and he wasn’t a very nice person. I wasn’t diagnosed until several years into the relationship, and he was also autistic
I am neurodiverse and I was in an abusive friendship. I still feel so silly. I was older than him and I still got manipulated. I was a mess, I still am often a mess. But now I'm a happier mess. Its not a depressing topic, its the kind of video I would've sought out when I was younger to try and validate myself or explore the concept to try and tick the 'abuse boxes'. Its a rough topic, but its not depressing because this video gives hope and thought to people who want help. You were deep in the abuse, you thought it was normal, but you got out.
My roomie is simalar, She will drag me into arguments and when I counter shes like "oh you always got a answer for everything" or uses my autism against me. She also often gas lights me and uses my ADHD against me so even if I am certain of a past event I can't be trusted because of my memory. And if she runs out of arguments then it's "Oh I'm always wrong then aren't I" or anger, and if I try and get out of the argument I'm just tying to run away. At this point I just try and disassociate my way through the arguments these days >.< Glad ya no longer have to deal with the trash ex, sounds like a real POS. To add to the conversation, I do wonder if the abusive environment is contributing significantly to my destroyed creativity and/or my diminishing health 🤔
Lol. Jokes on her. ADHD doesn't affect your memory of the past, it affects your memory of your plans. I'm absent-minded as 🦆, but my memory goes back further into my childhood than most people I know, plus I'm the oldest of my cousins, so I'm the one that remembers everything at all of our family reunions.
pathological abusers are energy vampires they suck the life force out of a target and given enough time the victim becomes depleted and then chronically and mysteriously sick.
Unfortunately i was with a narcissist for 7 years myself and it took him getting physically violent with me to realise that i was actually being abused really badly the whole time. Makes me feel sick to think about.
My family were financially abusive, and then I got into a relationship where I was financially abused amongst other things, and I had no idea that that was abuse! I'm glad you made this video, because if I had seen this back then I would have totally have got it. I hope others who are going through (or did in the past) financial abuse watch this video and realise its not normal! Also my therapist said to me some months ago that anything that kills creativity is a bad thing. For context I was talking to her about a family member, every time I showed them my work, even if they didn't say anything bad, I would stop doing that thing. My family member wasn't horrible about my work but they were controlling and emotionally manipulative, just that fact alone about their behaviour was enough to kill my creativity.
OMG you are LITERALLY describing my entire 16 year marriage. I'm beginning to think they TARGET us - I'm level 1, but clearly it doesn't make a difference.
Having been in a mentally/nonviolent abusive relationship and autistic, it is a confusing experience, unless your familiar with mental techniques that are used or have been in non abusive relationships before, i wasnt aware of what was happening at first, i thought "oh this is normal", but looking back no it wasnt, i used to be gaslighted along with the relationship and me visiting them was used like a carrot and a stick, it never really felt like "our" relationship, it just felt like it was their relationship and only existed when they felt like it, towards the end, i did feel guilty as i had somewhat perpuated the relationship issues after getting frustrated by having to explain to them multiple times what to do if they saw their partner crying, i had put blood sweat and tears into the relationship (quite literally), and in the end they had cheated on me, the major lesson i had learned was this: If your partner pushes you mentally out at any sign of an issue, no matter how big or small, work on with them, if they dont want to work on it, walk away, you will feel mentally burnt out and pushed to the edge over trying to "fix them"
He is obviously someone who cannot stand seeing others enjoy themselves and therefore wants to try to cancel their enjoyment - even when he previously was enjoying the thing that he couldn't bear to see you enjoy! I'm glad you are now doing so well and that he cannot ruin your enjoyment of the success you are having. Delicious lol!
i've had that a lot where people don't actually want to resolve things and they tell me off for repeating myself but I'm just trying to get things back on track so things can end.
I was in a three year relationship with a classic narcissist too. In the beginning, he was so attentive to my needs, generous with gifts, planned dates and really got to know me, we fell in love, etc. The abusive jabs and insults started small, I didn’t perceive them as such until the end. He took credit for every accomplishment I made, I opened a savings account, went to college, bought my first car, it was never because I worked hard, it was because of him. Or it was downplayed because he needed praise and wasn’t able to give it to anyone. I was apologizing constantly even when he hurt me, he never not once in three years was sorry for anything. I still to this day have nightmares about this ex and it’s been six years, in every dream I run into him and I feel small and insignificant in his presence. I’m glad you aren’t in this type of situation anymore.
Ah. I was in an abusive relationship where I was r…d repeatedly, and I didn’t understand that it was r… at the time, I just knew that I really didn’t like it. It was not what anyone had ever described r… as being. We can be so hurt by people not being broad enough with their definitions of things, because we’re so literal that we think little differences make it not that thing. It was after that relationship ended that I realized what happened. I didn’t consider until now that I didn’t understand what was happening to me because I was autistic, I just attributed me not understanding to me being solely taught stranger danger and not being taught about how a partner can harm me.
I really relate when you say "it couldn't be abuse because it's not exactly like xyz" to explain away every abuse (inflicted by myself and others) I went though. But we're in love! I'm so glad I know what real love looks like now (not just romantic, with all people in my life :) ) and always question anything that makes me feel bad with others that are a bit more in touch with reality.
I'm so glad you didn't quit making videos as it's like having a friend round for a chat. It's so good you're free from his abuse now and can show him how wrong he was!
Thank you for telling your story! My dad acted like this towards me too. We are of course different people but I can still relate to the experience of being surpriced that all people aren't jerks lol. Have a good one!
Dana, I just wish we autistic and neurodivergent people have to go through anything like this I too have been through this and it is a long story , but a long time ago, but never forgotten. You never forget it. It is about them controlling you. I wish that it was criminalised.
Oh my god, you described a nearly decade long relationship I only just ended the other day... I'm also autistic and didn't notice the red flags, and I feel so foolish.
Holy hell this one was hard to watch. Your ex sounds like a piece of work. On the topic of him starting "unrelated" fights when he got upset about something. I used to do that to my parents when I was 10, because I thought actually explaining the problem would just lead to further punishment. It's a chickenshit thing to do to someone and reveals what a fucking coward he was.
I relate to so much of this. Wasted 20 years on 2 guys (one after the other) who acted very similarly. Finally with great people who cherish me and it's jarring 💀
This sounds identical to the abusive relationship I was in too. So many points you mention - he would constantly start arguments that never ended until I gave up trying to resolve anything and just let him be in control of everything. Never had a single nice day with him because he would turn everything into a fight and an argument where I was the one at fault or had done something wrong. Never had these issues with anyone else in my life, only him.
Parental abuse exacerbates the autism in children, causing serious mind fog, confusion, complicating learning disabilities. Did we know it was abuse? Yes but we didn’t know any differently. Getting out of the environment helped gain control over of the autism in a manageable way.
I met a lady that was abusive too. She said, "Autism doesn't Exist," mocked me, ex: I would say "Robots" in a very Robotic voice, because I felt like a "Robot," and she copied the word in the same voice. She invisibly shoved me from the Dishwasher during dinnertime and made me sweep and mop instead. Not to mention, she said "Why does everyone hate me," and called me a "fool," and said "my cooking is the best," Which is hers. Which is what I call, Narcissistic Abuse, and it does not have to be tolerated. When someone belittles you like that, they should probably fix robots, because dealing with people only hurts them.
that "you always have a but to everything" is EXACTLY what my mum does. like dude if i didnt have an explanation or argument you'd get mad at me for that!
Exactly like I HAVE to have an answer, or that’s the next issue, but no answer is good enough and I can’t disagree or have a different opinion without it being ‘you always have a but’ 🫠
i spent 24 years in an abusive relationship. as I am late diagnosed, I didn't know that I was autistic, but I always felt different than others, I even once asked my mother if they adopted me... so I always thought that when I was so different, I was the reason for all the arguments and differences. I thought that when I felt different, he had to be right and he would be acting normal while I was the strange and wrong one.
I feel for you. I know what it’s like, been there and quite similar experience with the narc’s behaviour. I think you deserve a new subscriber 💎💪 “I’ve never had arguments like it in my life” that resonated with me, and I can relate. Same!
him shiting on all your interstates and getting you out of your work, your play, your healthy habbits is control he wanted you to not do anything cuz he was nothing and you couldn't be better then him and no matter how nothing you became for him it would not be enough for someone like him this is an abusive dude and yes leave him after you relize the habbit don't talk yourself out of it or think it's petty yes leave assholes like this cuz it gets worse not better. You were the permainate Mc Fly and he wanted to be the permainate BiFF.
I've read somewhere that neurodivergent people are, statisticly, more likely to be in abusive relationships. The same is true for people with mental illness. Maybe we're easier to prey on. Im not sure.
Your channel is Awesome and Inspiring! The vagueness and ambiguity is too real; very relatable. Its even hard to explain to someone else but you did such a great job. All of it was so unfair, cruel and unnecessary; praying for more healing for you Dana. You deserve it
Thank you so much for this video and your willingness to share. I struggle identifying and labeling things if I don't have real life examples. This was eye opening and so helpful.
Im the exact same, so though it doesn’t feel great to share the examples, I know it’s only that type of thing that would have actually helped me before/during that situation, so super hopeful it can help someone else out a little!
Everyone who's in underwear toxic relationship should listen to Chappell Roan and dump his ass for good. Dana, I'm really glad that you got out of it. And yes, you're doing great with this channel, keep up! 💗
I'm not sure if I'm autistic or not (I have been diagnosed with ADHD) but I really relate to your struggle, especially the part where you talked about staying in an abusive relationship because you just get so used to things and find change abrasive and uncomfortable. I've been in so many abusive relationships and tolerated abusive behavior from partners and friends because I was just used to being treated that way. And I felt uncomfortable and unsafe trying to stand up for myself because it just felt easier to cope with the abuse than to risk everything and stand up for myself.
While I can't relate to the situation as a whole, I absolutely can relate to a lot of the individual things in this video. I'm sorry you had to deal with this, and it's nice to know you're away from him.
You so strongly resemble my little sister, who just got out of one unhealthy relationship only to land in another, and she just got out of that one. I hope you both can find all the healing you need to really embrace your beautiful selves, including all the silly, creative interests and hobbies you've had to put to the wayside.
Im going though somthong simler but we got a 15 year old daughter. Im in the process of trying to get help as ive not got any family and it not so easy but took the first steps in telling slmeone about the verble abuce Im getting it took me about 17 years with hime to relise was only dienosed with adhd and aultisam in 4ve ladt few years. Can relate to the stuff you tqlked about .
I’m so sorry you’re able to relate, but so glad you’re taking the steps to get out of it! I hope you’re able to find the help and support that you deserve
Hi Dana, I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful experience with your ex. I hope that these videos help with the healing process. I'm finding your videos helpful because I'm finding that your life is remarkably similar to mine, and my experiences of being neurodivergent (was never diagnosed with Autism).
So I'm tone deaf & have a really hard time controlling my facial expressions, most of the time I'll be saying one thing & my non verbal communication will be saying the opposite. The only time that it has really mattered or been something I couldn't quickly fix is when they were toxic or abusive. For financial abuse my roommate would need me to spend at least $50 for him to just get out of bed (this was daily), one time I talked to him & said that I was going into debt he said "Well, don't do it then". After that talk he would get mad & wouldn't get out of bed... So couldn't really do anything. I remember one time I loaned him money & later came to me & tried to convince me that I was the one that took money from him & now I owed him...
Whether he was autistic or not, the person you described sounds like a classic narcissist - if it is not about them or directly impacting them, they either do not want to know or belittle your interests and happiness. They will deliberately provoke an argument just so they can feel they're in control. Someone who values you, cares about you and respects you will love how much enjoyment and satisfaction you get out of your interests, even if they don't share those interests themselves. I am so, so glad you are out of that situation.
But then I spent 8 years with him denying being abused, because I have such literal thinking that I genuinely thought I was in a normal healthy relationship. It’s not that I experienced these things because I’m autistic, it’s that I experienced them and fully thought they were normal and fine.
Today I learned us autistic people have something called delayed processing. This explains why i stayed in horrible situation in a freeze mode, or didn't react as a should've
Yes, I hear you. Same here with my ex narc. I hope you are in a better place now. Best wishes
You mentioning he's make you feel childish, ridiculous and silly for liking the things that you like made me chuckle. I live with an abusive family member and one of the things I started doing when I got officially diagnosed (long before my family even knew about it) was try to start to unmask and embracing my special interests - and some of those are quite literally things you associate with little kids (like coloring books and plushies). As soon as my abusive family member took notice, she started making jokes and trying to embarrass me in front of other family members, my friends, and even total strangers. However, for the first time in my life, I fought back in a way I never had before - by engaging with those things even more and self-advocating. I'd say things like "Yeah, I sleep with a plushie next to my pillow, so what? Clearly you could use one yourself if you're so jealous about it that you need to make fun of it" and it backfired pretty quickly for her because everyone outside of my family that she would tried to embarrass me in front of would take my side and defend me from her. And, even within my family, everyone got sick and tired of her jokes pretty quickly. So I was just left alone to be as childish as I wanted to and I am way happier now than I ever was when I was a child and proud of myself for standing up to her.
My narc, sorry, EX narc, did that to me as well. I’ve always been into heavy metal and I like the t-shirts etc etc. I’m 60 now, and she used to say you’re such a child for still wearing band t-shirts and listening to the music (I admit, i get excited when I find t-shirts, new cd/vinyl, listening to it etc). Made me feel shame and doubt myself (I’m also on the spectrum). Hope you are happy and in a good place now 💪
Abuse can be when you're with somebody who refuses to be happy or allow you to be happy.
Hi Dana! There’s a known term for the rapid changes of topics that abusers do, and I thought I’d share it just in case no one has mentioned it: it’s called “moving the goalposts”. It’s a big no-no in coherent dialogue. It fucks the recipient up. It sounds like you’ve completely identified the pattern. Just thought I’d share the term for the viewers use. It seems to help put a stop to engaging with the abuser easier if one has the term. (Of course, if the recipient names the behavior to the behavior, they will gaslight the recipient or make the term the next thing to attack. It’s one of those internal boundaries, said inside one’s own head: “oh he is moving the goalposts, so that means he is not engaging in a coherent conversation and it’s not my job to make him. It’s my job to remove myself from this conversation in order to maintain psychological safety.”)
I’m glad you got out! Here’s the a discussion of the term. In debate, it’s a foul. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moving_the_goalposts
Thank you! Through reflection I’ve been able to recognise a lot of the patterns and what he generally did to make me feel bad, but without being able to google entire situations, it’s super hard to know any of the actual terms for things, so this is hugely appreciated!
every time I argue with a person who does that and keep dragging the conversation back to point one and they hate it! They'll cancel the fight.
Haaaah, I got "you always have an answer, don't you?". It's like they work from a script.
I thought my grandma was loving and caring when she was SAing me. (both of them, one worse than the other). I thought my mom was a great super mom. When she was hard core covert masking. She also brought in to my house disgusting racist bigoted people to abuse me. My dad was a son husband who ritually humiliated and bullied me. My dad married an entire abusive step family and they all ganged up on me so bad I had to go no contact. My hair fell out at age 21-22. The doctor thought it was male hair pattern baldness. But it was stress and abuse that caused it.
nonviolent abusers are still abusers, and i didn't get it for a long time. the neglect and torment my family members and my classmates put me through set me up to be a perfect little target. "i just thought it was normal." Exactly, and nobody cared enough to notice and tell me otherwise. The nice days really did confuse me, how could an abuser be so nice? But he really undermined even the smallest things, like going to the store he'd rush me to the point I couldn't process or he'd pretend he couldn't understand me over and over, do things and then deny doing them, and then he'd casually draw attention to me as my frustration grew. Just one example. i used to feel so guilty all of the time because of his manipulations, blamed myself like you did. Even as he conspired with other men online to destroy me bit by bit for their pleasure, so he could get male validation. i've stopped blaming myself.
you mention men on the internet and male validation. Id replace those words with other evil people. or with narcissists. because evil is in about 15% of population man woman and child.
Hello Dana, you described classic narcissism . Been there. People often experience complex PTSD as a consequence of this type of abuse. Leaving was absolutely the right thing to do. It wasn't your fault, you're perfectly you. People accept you, or they don't, but that works both ways. You will heal. 🐪
these situations made me realize I have autism because this abuse tactic has been used on me over and over and I only realized it was abuse with my last ex. my family has done this to me my entire life and I never understood it and thought I was just a horrible person
I got really good at not forgetting what the argument was really about after living for about 7 or 8 years with a partner who was psychologically pretty broken from both their childhood and a previous relationship, and pretty psychologically abusive as a result, who would argue circles around naïve, autistic little me, and yes, took everything I'd say and turn it into the new thing to argue about or condemn me for. I can't believe how long, how many years, it took me to realize I had to say, constantly, "That is NOT what we're arguing about," to get it to stop. They finally got therapy to deal with their past, and got miles better as a human being, but I lost those years of my life forever, _prime_ years no less, and I still f-ing resent that fact to this day and wish I had just left to take my chances elsewhere and elsewhom before I lost all of that time to constant sadness and depression. Plus it broke _me_ in many ways and turned me into a much less nice person for a long time, because I couldn't trust anyone and I expected people to be crappy to me and I would always start from a defensive position that almost certainly turned people off of _me._
any nice thing that an abuser gives you is bait on a hook to keep you in the abusive relationship.
there's so many awful people that are committed to making everyone as miserable as they are... I'm so glad you're not in that anymore.
I have put myself in so many situations that could have gone horribly wrong.
I met a guy on Tinder. We spoke on the phone, talked about sex and the fact that I would not have it until I could get on birth control. Talked about other stuff and set up a date. He would pick me up, bring me to his apartment, cook for me, I would bring vodka and we watch a movie together. Cute, fun, innocent date. Did I realize that this was a setup for netflix & chill? No. Was I aware what netflix & chill is? Absolutely. The fact that the words weren't those made me believe nothing would be happening besides maybe making out. More stuff happened and I still don't know how I feel about it.
He had a roommate who showed up in the middle of the night.
So, not only was I drunk, had done more than I initially wanted to, in a city I didn't know and a good distance away from home, I was also alone with two gym bros. The fact that nothing bad happened is something I'm still incredibly grateful for.
I was 22 at the time. Theoretically I was aware of what could happen but the fact that it was called a date made me feel completely confident this would be fine.
When we talk about social awareness, being naive and a people pleaser, autism being a disability, etc., this is exactly one of those things.
I tend to see through things the more time I have away from people. It took me years to realize how much I suffered in my last friendship. It was so unhealthy and when I finally decided to end it, it took minutes to feel incredible relief. I feel it to this day whenever think about her.
I think having the PDA profile can make it even more difficult (for some people) to recognize that a situation is/can put you in danger because even if you have more social awereness and less naivety your nervous system might just not recognize or interpret dangerous situations as threatening if it doesn't perceive said situation to be a demand/potential threat to your autonomy. Obviously not recognizing dangers isn't exclusive to PDA and im not trying to say that a person that is not PDA cannot have it as hard or harder, but thats how I experience things as someone who relate to the PDA profile (its defenetly possible that someone with this profile have a different experience)
@@kimorox813 Interesting! PDA is something I experience as well. Never thought of it that way.
Also, an anxious person is someone who experiences a lot of stress and fight or flight on a daily basis. That can make it difficult to distinguish between general discomfort and actual threat. Because most things feel threatening.
If you believe you were getting targetted because you were autistic, it then comes as hate crimes against a disabled person. Financially abusing you by making you pay his credit card bills (which he ran up and not you) could be regarded as exploiting an autistic person (which comes under hate crine); "Mate Crime".
I think I was just an easy target and he wasn’t a very nice person. I wasn’t diagnosed until several years into the relationship, and he was also autistic
@@DanaAndersen Better that you recognise the abuse. If the abuser is autistic, it is still abuse.
I am neurodiverse and I was in an abusive friendship. I still feel so silly. I was older than him and I still got manipulated. I was a mess, I still am often a mess. But now I'm a happier mess.
Its not a depressing topic, its the kind of video I would've sought out when I was younger to try and validate myself or explore the concept to try and tick the 'abuse boxes'. Its a rough topic, but its not depressing because this video gives hope and thought to people who want help. You were deep in the abuse, you thought it was normal, but you got out.
Dana just so you know. We value you and don't laugh at you. You've really helped me understand my autism over the years.
My roomie is simalar, She will drag me into arguments and when I counter shes like "oh you always got a answer for everything" or uses my autism against me. She also often gas lights me and uses my ADHD against me so even if I am certain of a past event I can't be trusted because of my memory. And if she runs out of arguments then it's "Oh I'm always wrong then aren't I" or anger, and if I try and get out of the argument I'm just tying to run away. At this point I just try and disassociate my way through the arguments these days >.<
Glad ya no longer have to deal with the trash ex, sounds like a real POS.
To add to the conversation, I do wonder if the abusive environment is contributing significantly to my destroyed creativity and/or my diminishing health 🤔
Lol. Jokes on her. ADHD doesn't affect your memory of the past, it affects your memory of your plans. I'm absent-minded as 🦆, but my memory goes back further into my childhood than most people I know, plus I'm the oldest of my cousins, so I'm the one that remembers everything at all of our family reunions.
pathological abusers are energy vampires they suck the life force out of a target and given enough time the victim becomes depleted and then chronically and mysteriously sick.
Unfortunately i was with a narcissist for 7 years myself and it took him getting physically violent with me to realise that i was actually being abused really badly the whole time. Makes me feel sick to think about.
My family were financially abusive, and then I got into a relationship where I was financially abused amongst other things, and I had no idea that that was abuse! I'm glad you made this video, because if I had seen this back then I would have totally have got it. I hope others who are going through (or did in the past) financial abuse watch this video and realise its not normal!
Also my therapist said to me some months ago that anything that kills creativity is a bad thing. For context I was talking to her about a family member, every time I showed them my work, even if they didn't say anything bad, I would stop doing that thing. My family member wasn't horrible about my work but they were controlling and emotionally manipulative, just that fact alone about their behaviour was enough to kill my creativity.
OMG you are LITERALLY describing my entire 16 year marriage. I'm beginning to think they TARGET us - I'm level 1, but clearly it doesn't make a difference.
by the way, nobody who LOVES you will treat you like this, and I'm so glad you are free from this now! XXOO
Having been in a mentally/nonviolent abusive relationship and autistic, it is a confusing experience, unless your familiar with mental techniques that are used or have been in non abusive relationships before, i wasnt aware of what was happening at first, i thought "oh this is normal", but looking back no it wasnt, i used to be gaslighted along with the relationship and me visiting them was used like a carrot and a stick, it never really felt like "our" relationship, it just felt like it was their relationship and only existed when they felt like it, towards the end, i did feel guilty as i had somewhat perpuated the relationship issues after getting frustrated by having to explain to them multiple times what to do if they saw their partner crying, i had put blood sweat and tears into the relationship (quite literally), and in the end they had cheated on me, the major lesson i had learned was this: If your partner pushes you mentally out at any sign of an issue, no matter how big or small, work on with them, if they dont want to work on it, walk away, you will feel mentally burnt out and pushed to the edge over trying to "fix them"
He is obviously someone who cannot stand seeing others enjoy themselves and therefore wants to try to cancel their enjoyment - even when he previously was enjoying the thing that he couldn't bear to see you enjoy! I'm glad you are now doing so well and that he cannot ruin your enjoyment of the success you are having. Delicious lol!
3:33 God bless Dana for these videos, I've just realized my big sis has actually abused me for decades...
i've had that a lot where people don't actually want to resolve things and they tell me off for repeating myself but I'm just trying to get things back on track so things can end.
That guy was very clearly a narcissist and you deserve better, Dana. Unfortunately autistic folks like us often attract narcissists.
I was in a three year relationship with a classic narcissist too. In the beginning, he was so attentive to my needs, generous with gifts, planned dates and really got to know me, we fell in love, etc. The abusive jabs and insults started small, I didn’t perceive them as such until the end. He took credit for every accomplishment I made, I opened a savings account, went to college, bought my first car, it was never because I worked hard, it was because of him. Or it was downplayed because he needed praise and wasn’t able to give it to anyone. I was apologizing constantly even when he hurt me, he never not once in three years was sorry for anything. I still to this day have nightmares about this ex and it’s been six years, in every dream I run into him and I feel small and insignificant in his presence.
I’m glad you aren’t in this type of situation anymore.
Ah. I was in an abusive relationship where I was r…d repeatedly, and I didn’t understand that it was r… at the time, I just knew that I really didn’t like it. It was not what anyone had ever described r… as being. We can be so hurt by people not being broad enough with their definitions of things, because we’re so literal that we think little differences make it not that thing. It was after that relationship ended that I realized what happened. I didn’t consider until now that I didn’t understand what was happening to me because I was autistic, I just attributed me not understanding to me being solely taught stranger danger and not being taught about how a partner can harm me.
Ouch, kind of relatable!
I really relate when you say "it couldn't be abuse because it's not exactly like xyz" to explain away every abuse (inflicted by myself and others) I went though. But we're in love!
I'm so glad I know what real love looks like now (not just romantic, with all people in my life :) ) and always question anything that makes me feel bad with others that are a bit more in touch with reality.
I'm so glad you didn't quit making videos as it's like having a friend round for a chat. It's so good you're free from his abuse now and can show him how wrong he was!
Thank you for telling your story! My dad acted like this towards me too. We are of course different people but I can still relate to the experience of being surpriced that all people aren't jerks lol. Have a good one!
Dana, I just wish we autistic and neurodivergent people have to go through anything like this I too have been through this and it is a long story , but a long time ago, but never forgotten. You never forget it. It is about them controlling you. I wish that it was criminalised.
Oh my god, you described a nearly decade long relationship I only just ended the other day... I'm also autistic and didn't notice the red flags, and I feel so foolish.
I'm sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you are doing your "silly little things" now and got out in the end 😊
Holy hell this one was hard to watch. Your ex sounds like a piece of work.
On the topic of him starting "unrelated" fights when he got upset about something. I used to do that to my parents when I was 10, because I thought actually explaining the problem would just lead to further punishment. It's a chickenshit thing to do to someone and reveals what a fucking coward he was.
It sounds like your ex is incapable of enjoying anything. I think eventually you'll pity him if you don't already.
I relate to so much of this. Wasted 20 years on 2 guys (one after the other) who acted very similarly. Finally with great people who cherish me and it's jarring 💀
This sounds identical to the abusive relationship I was in too. So many points you mention - he would constantly start arguments that never ended until I gave up trying to resolve anything and just let him be in control of everything. Never had a single nice day with him because he would turn everything into a fight and an argument where I was the one at fault or had done something wrong. Never had these issues with anyone else in my life, only him.
Parental abuse exacerbates the autism in children, causing serious mind fog, confusion, complicating learning disabilities. Did we know it was abuse? Yes but we didn’t know any differently. Getting out of the environment helped gain control over of the autism in a manageable way.
Oh, so that's why I could never focus at school?
Nice to know. And called it. Fucking told it to their face. Nobody cared.
I met a lady that was abusive too. She said, "Autism doesn't Exist," mocked me, ex: I would say "Robots" in a very Robotic voice, because I felt like a "Robot," and she copied the word in the same voice. She invisibly shoved me from the Dishwasher during dinnertime and made me sweep and mop instead. Not to mention, she said "Why does everyone hate me," and called me a "fool," and said "my cooking is the best," Which is hers. Which is what I call, Narcissistic Abuse, and it does not have to be tolerated. When someone belittles you like that, they should probably fix robots, because dealing with people only hurts them.
that "you always have a but to everything" is EXACTLY what my mum does. like dude if i didnt have an explanation or argument you'd get mad at me for that!
Exactly like I HAVE to have an answer, or that’s the next issue, but no answer is good enough and I can’t disagree or have a different opinion without it being ‘you always have a but’ 🫠
i spent 24 years in an abusive relationship. as I am late diagnosed, I didn't know that I was autistic, but I always felt different than others, I even once asked my mother if they adopted me... so I always thought that when I was so different, I was the reason for all the arguments and differences. I thought that when I felt different, he had to be right and he would be acting normal while I was the strange and wrong one.
I feel for you. I know what it’s like, been there and quite similar experience with the narc’s behaviour.
I think you deserve a new subscriber 💎💪
“I’ve never had arguments like it in my life” that resonated with me, and I can relate. Same!
Thank you, Dana!
him shiting on all your interstates and getting you out of your work, your play, your healthy habbits is control he wanted you to not do anything cuz he was nothing and you couldn't be better then him and no matter how nothing you became for him it would not be enough for someone like him this is an abusive dude and yes leave him after you relize the habbit don't talk yourself out of it or think it's petty yes leave assholes like this cuz it gets worse not better. You were the permainate Mc Fly and he wanted to be the permainate BiFF.
Sorry about what you went through. You deserve so much better.❤
I've read somewhere that neurodivergent people are, statisticly, more likely to be in abusive relationships. The same is true for people with mental illness. Maybe we're easier to prey on. Im not sure.
Your ex sucks, you were too good for him and he couldn't handle it, so he brought you down so you wouldn't think you could get any better than him.
Your channel is Awesome and Inspiring! The vagueness and ambiguity is too real; very relatable. Its even hard to explain to someone else but you did such a great job. All of it was so unfair, cruel and unnecessary; praying for more healing for you Dana. You deserve it
Thank you so much for this video and your willingness to share. I struggle identifying and labeling things if I don't have real life examples. This was eye opening and so helpful.
Im the exact same, so though it doesn’t feel great to share the examples, I know it’s only that type of thing that would have actually helped me before/during that situation, so super hopeful it can help someone else out a little!
Everyone who's in underwear toxic relationship should listen to Chappell Roan and dump his ass for good. Dana, I'm really glad that you got out of it. And yes, you're doing great with this channel, keep up! 💗
I'm not sure if I'm autistic or not (I have been diagnosed with ADHD) but I really relate to your struggle, especially the part where you talked about staying in an abusive relationship because you just get so used to things and find change abrasive and uncomfortable. I've been in so many abusive relationships and tolerated abusive behavior from partners and friends because I was just used to being treated that way. And I felt uncomfortable and unsafe trying to stand up for myself because it just felt easier to cope with the abuse than to risk everything and stand up for myself.
You're an awesome human Dana. Thank you for telling your story!
This all reminds me of more than one person from my past.
Ahahahahha when you catch someone being abusive to you and finally realise "super not chill my guy" 😂 same
Thanks for providing a comprehensive explanation of a difficult scenario, which caused you a great deal of torment..
While I can't relate to the situation as a whole, I absolutely can relate to a lot of the individual things in this video.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, and it's nice to know you're away from him.
So thankful you got away from that type of treatment and now are aware it is quite toxic abusive. Learning things the hard way is a way. ❤
You so strongly resemble my little sister, who just got out of one unhealthy relationship only to land in another, and she just got out of that one. I hope you both can find all the healing you need to really embrace your beautiful selves, including all the silly, creative interests and hobbies you've had to put to the wayside.
12k people do MATE! Cheers friend.
he's my fuck you to your horrible ex
hope you keep up with the videos. you're lovely
Omg my relationship would have turned into this you lived the version of my relationship of moving in together I’m so glad I never moved in with him.
Im going though somthong simler but we got a 15 year old daughter. Im in the process of trying to get help as ive not got any family and it not so easy but took the first steps in telling slmeone about the verble abuce Im getting it took me about 17 years with hime to relise was only dienosed with adhd and aultisam in 4ve ladt few years. Can relate to the stuff you tqlked about .
I’m so sorry you’re able to relate, but so glad you’re taking the steps to get out of it! I hope you’re able to find the help and support that you deserve
I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Keep going! I believe in you, you can do this.
Very relatable. Ugh!!
Sending hugs.
Thank you for this.❤
I’m glad u got out of that relationship and I hope people who see this and are in a relationship like this can recognise the behaviour and get out. ❤
My ex-wife always complained about the word "but". The word "but" is a lovely word that helps look at two perspectives at once.
Hi Dana,
I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful experience with your ex. I hope that these videos help with the healing process. I'm finding your videos helpful because I'm finding that your life is remarkably similar to mine, and my experiences of being neurodivergent (was never diagnosed with Autism).
So I'm tone deaf & have a really hard time controlling my facial expressions, most of the time I'll be saying one thing & my non verbal communication will be saying the opposite. The only time that it has really mattered or been something I couldn't quickly fix is when they were toxic or abusive.
For financial abuse my roommate would need me to spend at least $50 for him to just get out of bed (this was daily), one time I talked to him & said that I was going into debt he said "Well, don't do it then". After that talk he would get mad & wouldn't get out of bed... So couldn't really do anything. I remember one time I loaned him money & later came to me & tried to convince me that I was the one that took money from him & now I owed him...
you ex was the type of man who hates women and dates them at the sametime cuz he's that codependant.
It’s annoying because you approach it with logic, trying to fix it.
Stay Safe :) Dana & Everyone.
Whether he was autistic or not, the person you described sounds like a classic narcissist - if it is not about them or directly impacting them, they either do not want to know or belittle your interests and happiness. They will deliberately provoke an argument just so they can feel they're in control. Someone who values you, cares about you and respects you will love how much enjoyment and satisfaction you get out of your interests, even if they don't share those interests themselves. I am so, so glad you are out of that situation.
🙋🏻♀️🌏 Kia Ora, hello Dana. New subscriber.
19:09 it is that deep
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I dont see where autism comes into this. Its what most people experience when they get into a relationship with one of these nasty people.
But then I spent 8 years with him denying being abused, because I have such literal thinking that I genuinely thought I was in a normal healthy relationship.
It’s not that I experienced these things because I’m autistic, it’s that I experienced them and fully thought they were normal and fine.