Just on a roll with really upbeat cheerful videos lately x / dana_._andersen / danaoandersen ko-fi.com/danaandersen / dana_._andersen patreon.com/DanaAndersen
That line about "You do everything wrong" hit a nerve. Personally I had to get away from my parents before I could develop any confidence that I was able to cope with pretty much anything.
Never a lender , never a borrower. Also please try and stay away from others to avoid their abuse of people like us. - Instead take up hobbies and interests, that you can ideally do on your own.
Leaving your living arrangements is a super stressful thing even when you're on the best of terms with people you're moving away from. Keep living life and sharing your stories with us!
Bad experiences have meant that I now question everyone's intentions but because of the autism I sometimes don't have the skills to work it out. There's this one guy friend who I know is manipulative and nasty but he has bought me a lot of things as gifts so I feel that guilt and it stops me from doing anything about it, even though I believe he gave me them to me for the wrong reasons. If he hadn't bought me stuff I would feel able to cut him out of my life. It's a dilemma I've been carrying for months.
Here is how I frame that: I am not responsible for other people. If other people choose to buy me gifts, that is their choice as competent adult humans. That means I am not responsible for it and do not owe them anything for it. If they think I do, that is a red flag of someone who does not take responsibility for their own actions and choices. When I give a gift I do not expect anything for it, including social interaction. In fact I would feel gross and embarrassed if I found out someone was only around me because they felt some obligation or guilt because I had done something for them or given them something. I want authentic connections, not transactional ones. And I treat others the same, so no, you do not owe anything to any adult that has chosen to exercise their own choice and autonomy to give you something.
People are not black and white. I mentioned a friend to someone else I had just met, and they said "My God, he's the rudest person I've ever met. Why do you know him?" "Well, let's see. He's smart, reads and lot and likes talking about what he reads. He has interesting taste in music, and he seems to like me." That's a lot, actually, so I put up with his off-handed rudeness and tell him to piss off if he goes over the line. You don't get to compare your friends to with some nonexistent ideal. I mean this idea of "you deserve better." That's just not my experience, and I'm not going to wait around for the world to miraculously become "fair.". I have sought out very intelligent interesting people to be my friends, because that's the kind of friend I want. Some of them are jerks, and I often knew that from the get-go. If I was looking for nice people, I would have a different set of friends.
I experience everything you're saying, but not just as to relationships but even more so as to transactions with Neurotypicals and as to lawyers and courts / judges. I just want to say, I had this horrible, abusive judge in a California court who had been a police officer before he was a judge, and he put me out of my Mom's house just a couple days after she died of a very tragic suicide and in doing so, this horrible Neurotypical judge took away most of my Mom's belongings and mementos that were very sentimental and meant everything to me. It was just horrible, and he was a VERY BAD MAN and instantly hated me because I'm Autistic the moment he experienced my Autism in interaction with me. So, I can totally relate to what happened to your dead Dad's cooking utensils, and I'm so sorry. It's just so wrong when Autistic people are dealt with so much more harshly and just destroyed by someone else who is taking advantage of and hates our being Autistic and treats us that way because we're Autistic.
I was engaged at 18 with an older woman. I had no idea I was autistic, and I just assumed she was right and honest about everything. She was emotionally and physically abusive. I didn't understand at first, but after almost a year I was able to get away from that toxic environment.
I am going through the same thing. I had no idea about covert abuse. Crazy that there are tactics so many use I was -completely- unaware of! Autistic people especially should be taught these things from a young age.
Thank you I been really thinking about this me and my wife get in to arguments because my mind just drifts off I told her I do not do this on purpose. Peace love & light❤
It does help I've just started the process of being diagnosed for possible Autism and what you've described in this video is exactly how my ex girlfriend treated me for oddly enough 9 years also before I actually left and hearing how easy you missed thongs and we're easily manipulated to another way thinking really resonates with me, I too trust people way to much from the outset without question and always end up lending money to them which I never get back.
Never a lender , never a borrower. Also please try and stay away from others to avoid their abuse of people like us. - Instead take up hobbies and interests, that you can ideally do on your own.
really sorry to hear about the utensils. that’s a shitty situation. can relate to feeling that being more trusting than the majority has negative consequences. i don’t want to get jaded, but rather trust in myself, my body-mind to make the right calls. sometimes i feel i override it even when i sense something isn’t right for me.
I felt that Dana 😢 I’m so sorry you went through all that, so fucking shitty. I’m grateful for your friend helping you see the abuse. I’m doing a great course at the moment, called the Freedom programme, which goes into the ridiculous myriad of ways people can abuse you 💔 it’s tough but so enlightening. I have been in a relationship 17 years because I’m not great at getting out of things. Fucks sake, lol. This video helps me for sure, thankyou for sharing, I thing sharing lightens the load somehow. I’m really sorry about your sentimental pot and contents, what a fucking twat!
It’s mind blowing to me that there’s so many types of abuse, and so many are so difficult to notice! I think sharing about it both helps me process everything properly, and makes me feel better to think that others can learn without having to go through the same things 😅 Thank you for your support and comments, it always means a lot and I really hope you’re able to have a life you love with lots of great people around you 😭💕💕
Be very suspicious of other people who are nice to you. - It is probably a trick. My advice is to stay away from other people as much as possible. Accept that it is a lonely life for people like us who are on the autistic spectrum like us. - Try and indulge yourself in hobbies and interests and do your own thing.
With that approach you’ll never get to know any authentic people either, though. I get how being too trusting can be a disadvantage, but isn’t the opposite extreme just as bad? If you take a chance with trusting someone, yeah you might get hurt, but you also might not and might make a good friend or partner. Unless you just think all people are scum… I mean, don’t neurotypical people trust? Presumably they trust their friends. Does that make them naive?
I'm so sorry about your ex. That's awful! I am very strange when it comes to trust. I am completely suspicious of other people, but if you're nice to me, I will trust you. I have put myself in many situations that could have been extremely dangerous. Even when someone warned me. It just didn't click, because the situation was different that what I've heard or the person reacted differently that what I expected. And I will trust you if I trust your friend. That's how I ended up spending new years eve with a drug dealer and a murderer. And I didn't find out until months later, because the murderer was in love with me and my former friends forced him to tell me. I just thought they (multiple people) were a little weird, nothing serious.
Be very suspicious of other people who are nice to you. - It is probably a trick. My advice is to stay away from other people as much as possible. Accept that it is a lonely life for people like us who are on the autistic spectrum like us. - Try and indulge yourself in hobbies and interests and do your own thing.
Mate. I've sort of accepted the abuse that society hands out to me (us). All of this is relateable apart from the relationship part. Bit more difficult for autistic men to get a partner I guess. But definitely lots of people in my life have taken my loyalty for granted and abused it. 42 year old and still only just realising some of it. Will take the rest of my life to untangle. Ah well.
I was abused in a similar way but the person was claiming to be my best friend not a partner which obviously I realised way too late they were not my friend they treated me pretty much the same as your ex treated you
I find and this is just my own limited personal experience but men and women can't just be friends. It just doesn't work. If one of the two starts having feelings for the other it can get super awkward pretty damn quick. Actually I recommend not living with someone even if in a relationship. If you like having your own space having someone else there all the time can get annoying also. Don't know why people are so desperate to be living together. Is wanting to being in a relationship living with someone more of a female than male thing? I am also an easy target for abuse. I think it is easy for someone to take advantage of me. It is one of the reasons why I haven't ever bothered trying to find someone. Then again I am also asexual so I know sexual relationships wouldn't work. I also like my own space too much.
THROUGH My quirky aspieness I certainly fell in with lovers who were weird as well, bipolar/borderline mostly, I blame the Lack of diagnosed straight female aspies worldwide, but Particularly in the US NT women, well it just doesn't seem viable or even appropriate really.
I relate so much hearing your relationship story. I went through a very similar thing and I still can’t fathom how someone can be that insidious. Any sense of misunderstanding sends me into a spiral but some ppl thrive on creating confusion/manipulating ppl. Sending you 🩷. It’s very hard to unpack an experience like that especially when autism makes understanding manipulation near impossible.
That line about "You do everything wrong" hit a nerve. Personally I had to get away from my parents before I could develop any confidence that I was able to cope with pretty much anything.
💯
I'm sorry for how others have treated you. They don't deserve you.
Never a lender , never a borrower. Also please try and stay away from others to avoid their abuse of people like us. - Instead take up hobbies and interests, that you can ideally do on your own.
Leaving your living arrangements is a super stressful thing even when you're on the best of terms with people you're moving away from. Keep living life and sharing your stories with us!
Fair point that moving is always the worst! Thank you for watching and commenting!
Bad experiences have meant that I now question everyone's intentions but because of the autism I sometimes don't have the skills to work it out. There's this one guy friend who I know is manipulative and nasty but he has bought me a lot of things as gifts so I feel that guilt and it stops me from doing anything about it, even though I believe he gave me them to me for the wrong reasons. If he hadn't bought me stuff I would feel able to cut him out of my life. It's a dilemma I've been carrying for months.
Here is how I frame that: I am not responsible for other people. If other people choose to buy me gifts, that is their choice as competent adult humans. That means I am not responsible for it and do not owe them anything for it. If they think I do, that is a red flag of someone who does not take responsibility for their own actions and choices. When I give a gift I do not expect anything for it, including social interaction. In fact I would feel gross and embarrassed if I found out someone was only around me because they felt some obligation or guilt because I had done something for them or given them something. I want authentic connections, not transactional ones. And I treat others the same, so no, you do not owe anything to any adult that has chosen to exercise their own choice and autonomy to give you something.
@@GN315-pe6ul Thank you for this.
People are not black and white. I mentioned a friend to someone else I had just met, and they said "My God, he's the rudest person I've ever met. Why do you know him?" "Well, let's see. He's smart, reads and lot and likes talking about what he reads. He has interesting taste in music, and he seems to like me." That's a lot, actually, so I put up with his off-handed rudeness and tell him to piss off if he goes over the line. You don't get to compare your friends to with some nonexistent ideal. I mean this idea of "you deserve better." That's just not my experience, and I'm not going to wait around for the world to miraculously become "fair.". I have sought out very intelligent interesting people to be my friends, because that's the kind of friend I want. Some of them are jerks, and I often knew that from the get-go. If I was looking for nice people, I would have a different set of friends.
@@steveneardley7541 I do think jerks can be valuable companions sometimes, yes.
HATE that sweet Dana was abused, awful.
I experience everything you're saying, but not just as to relationships but even more so as to transactions with Neurotypicals and as to lawyers and courts / judges. I just want to say, I had this horrible, abusive judge in a California court who had been a police officer before he was a judge, and he put me out of my Mom's house just a couple days after she died of a very tragic suicide and in doing so, this horrible Neurotypical judge took away most of my Mom's belongings and mementos that were very sentimental and meant everything to me. It was just horrible, and he was a VERY BAD MAN and instantly hated me because I'm Autistic the moment he experienced my Autism in interaction with me. So, I can totally relate to what happened to your dead Dad's cooking utensils, and I'm so sorry. It's just so wrong when Autistic people are dealt with so much more harshly and just destroyed by someone else who is taking advantage of and hates our being Autistic and treats us that way because we're Autistic.
I was engaged at 18 with an older woman. I had no idea I was autistic, and I just assumed she was right and honest about everything. She was emotionally and physically abusive. I didn't understand at first, but after almost a year I was able to get away from that toxic environment.
Same situation here still coming to terms with it at 42...
Im soo sorry you had to go through it too.
I am going through the same thing. I had no idea about covert abuse. Crazy that there are tactics so many use I was -completely- unaware of! Autistic people especially should be taught these things from a young age.
Thank you I been really thinking about this me and my wife get in to arguments because my mind just drifts off I told her I do not do this on purpose.
Peace love & light❤
It does help I've just started the process of being diagnosed for possible Autism and what you've described in this video is exactly how my ex girlfriend treated me for oddly enough 9 years also before I actually left and hearing how easy you missed thongs and we're easily manipulated to another way thinking really resonates with me, I too trust people way to much from the outset without question and always end up lending money to them which I never get back.
Never a lender , never a borrower. Also please try and stay away from others to avoid their abuse of people like us. - Instead take up hobbies and interests, that you can ideally do on your own.
Love your content. Keep it up. May existence become less painful for us.
really sorry to hear about the utensils. that’s a shitty situation. can relate to feeling that being more trusting than the majority has negative consequences. i don’t want to get jaded, but rather trust in myself, my body-mind to make the right calls. sometimes i feel i override it even when i sense something isn’t right for me.
I felt that Dana 😢 I’m so sorry you went through all that, so fucking shitty. I’m grateful for your friend helping you see the abuse. I’m doing a great course at the moment, called the Freedom programme, which goes into the ridiculous myriad of ways people can abuse you 💔 it’s tough but so enlightening. I have been in a relationship 17 years because I’m not great at getting out of things. Fucks sake, lol. This video helps me for sure, thankyou for sharing, I thing sharing lightens the load somehow. I’m really sorry about your sentimental pot and contents, what a fucking twat!
It’s mind blowing to me that there’s so many types of abuse, and so many are so difficult to notice! I think sharing about it both helps me process everything properly, and makes me feel better to think that others can learn without having to go through the same things 😅
Thank you for your support and comments, it always means a lot and I really hope you’re able to have a life you love with lots of great people around you 😭💕💕
@@DanaAndersen thankyou, well having access to people like you that I relate to is having nice people in my life so that’s great 😊
Thank you for putting that comment in the kind of language these abusive people deserve.
Be very suspicious of other people who are nice to you. - It is probably a trick. My advice is to stay away from other people as much as possible. Accept that it is a lonely life for people like us who are on the autistic spectrum like us. - Try and indulge yourself in hobbies and interests and do your own thing.
With that approach you’ll never get to know any authentic people either, though. I get how being too trusting can be a disadvantage, but isn’t the opposite extreme just as bad? If you take a chance with trusting someone, yeah you might get hurt, but you also might not and might make a good friend or partner.
Unless you just think all people are scum…
I mean, don’t neurotypical people trust? Presumably they trust their friends. Does that make them naive?
I'm so sorry about your ex. That's awful!
I am very strange when it comes to trust.
I am completely suspicious of other people, but if you're nice to me, I will trust you.
I have put myself in many situations that could have been extremely dangerous. Even when someone warned me. It just didn't click, because the situation was different that what I've heard or the person reacted differently that what I expected.
And I will trust you if I trust your friend. That's how I ended up spending new years eve with a drug dealer and a murderer. And I didn't find out until months later, because the murderer was in love with me and my former friends forced him to tell me. I just thought they (multiple people) were a little weird, nothing serious.
Be very suspicious of other people who are nice to you. - It is probably a trick. My advice is to stay away from other people as much as possible. Accept that it is a lonely life for people like us who are on the autistic spectrum like us. - Try and indulge yourself in hobbies and interests and do your own thing.
Mate. I've sort of accepted the abuse that society hands out to me (us). All of this is relateable apart from the relationship part. Bit more difficult for autistic men to get a partner I guess. But definitely lots of people in my life have taken my loyalty for granted and abused it. 42 year old and still only just realising some of it. Will take the rest of my life to untangle. Ah well.
I was abused in a similar way but the person was claiming to be my best friend not a partner which obviously I realised way too late they were not my friend they treated me pretty much the same as your ex treated you
12:44 that is so cruel 😢 ,, and thumbnail is better 👍
I'm so glad you got out of that situation. Sending you a virtual hug
I love your videos! thank you so much 💖
also… thumbnails look great!
I find and this is just my own limited personal experience but men and women can't just be friends. It just doesn't work. If one of the two starts having feelings for the other it can get super awkward pretty damn quick. Actually I recommend not living with someone even if in a relationship. If you like having your own space having someone else there all the time can get annoying also. Don't know why people are so desperate to be living together. Is wanting to being in a relationship living with someone more of a female than male thing?
I am also an easy target for abuse. I think it is easy for someone to take advantage of me. It is one of the reasons why I haven't ever bothered trying to find someone. Then again I am also asexual so I know sexual relationships wouldn't work. I also like my own space too much.
THROUGH My quirky aspieness I certainly fell in with lovers who were weird as well, bipolar/borderline mostly, I blame the Lack of diagnosed straight female aspies worldwide, but Particularly in the US NT women, well it just doesn't seem viable or even appropriate really.
❤️🙏🏽‼️
I was married to someone with NPD. I seem to attract them.
I relate so much hearing your relationship story. I went through a very similar thing and I still can’t fathom how someone can be that insidious. Any sense of misunderstanding sends me into a spiral but some ppl thrive on creating confusion/manipulating ppl. Sending you 🩷. It’s very hard to unpack an experience like that especially when autism makes understanding manipulation near impossible.
me: comment comment comment, this is a comment.
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