The Best Relationship Advice No One Tells You
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2024
- You won’t like it but you need it.
The three harsh truths I share in the video might completely ruin your day because they shit all over the rom-coms and fairytales you likely grew up with. But if you want your romantic life to stop resembling a rat orgy in a dumpster fire, then listen up. This could change everything for you.
(This video is based on my article from July, 2014: markmanson.net...)
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I am Mark Manson, 3x #1 NY Times bestselling author of:
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Thanks for watching.
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This is fine. 🔥
Pin this
Wait so that was you on the rollercoaster?!😂😂
So can you have a romantic relationship with just friendship, respect, aligned values but no attraction?
@@c.m.1248 attraction is implied. If you don’t have it, that can also be a problem. Although a different one.
@@IAmMarkManson Agreed. Would lead to curiosity in others, eventual cheating, and that would spell the end of that.
when he said “just to make sure i ruin your sunday completely” that really hit hard since it is, in fact, friday.
😂
Maybe he meant to upload this later?
perhaps the majority of the views on this video will come on Sunday? LOL!
I was definitely confused for a minute, ha!
or maybe you watch it on Friday but it sinks in on Sunday? xD
"The only way to truly enjoy the love in your life is to make something else more important than the love in your life." Thankyou Mark.
That’s why I’m building up an army of killer geese!
As always love your self and go to the gym ! :)
@@umamii936 LMAO! Sweet! and what do you plan to do with these killer geese? But before you answer that, a quick question: we good, right? We good?
@@SurfyStories Stephen Curry, or spice curry?
❤
"We cannot let love consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities or self-worth to it because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves." Mark Manson
❤
Uu
This is true
Balancing Relationships and Goals: Finding Harmony
m.ua-cam.com/video/j-3YVElkwzY/v-deo.html
Hi
"All you need is love" makes sense when love is not restricted to only refer to romantic relationships but instead encompasses all our passionate experiences of awe and appreciation for life.
Love is the answer but it's not solely about romantic relationships. Love is a way of being, it is oneness, it's seeking the highest and most joyful experience. Acting out of love is you at your strongest, most motivated, and most sincere.
This was my interpretation of his song! Love isn't all you need to make a relationship work. But love is all you need to find the joy of living
Also, despite somehow becoming a reddit “fact”, Lennon didn’t beat his wives. According to his first wife he slapped her once, which while awful, i don’t really think is enough to make him a wife beater. And Yoko also has said he never hit her. According to his son he was certainly verbally abusive though.
@@zero-pl3ttand according to himself he was "A hitter"
@@johnstackhouse1706 He did say that, yes. But it is also true that both his wives denied him being a wife beater. That would mean he hit random women or something, which is also not a flattering picture, but still, not a fact as many on the internet would like you to believe. Also, although this is not really related, that quote comes from the 1980 Playboy interview, and one thing people don't seem to mention that much is that he at least sounds genuinely remorseful for his past actions there, and while it's up to the people he hurt to forgive him or not, it at least makes it clear that he wasn't as black and white as some people, like in the beginning of this video, portray him as.
What about the Christian way of "gods love"?
My fiancé and I recently had this conversation about why we enjoy being around one another. It’s not because we feel butterflies anymore, and it’s not because of the crazy sex drive (I’m eight months pregnant and neither of us are feeling in the mood at the moment 😂). But we agreed, it’s because we miss the other person when they’re not around. It’s a wonderful friendship, and we both agreed, the friendship is far more important than needing to feel romantic. Sure, there are times we enjoy the romance, but just enjoying the other person’s presence is the most important thing, for us anyway.
beautiful
And that’s how it should be. Wish more relationships were like that
When you enjoy so much simply spending time with each other that to me is the definitive indicator that that couple is going places, if you're the happiest just by talking and sharing moments and laughing together, that's the best sign of a great combination of two people
What in the world do people think "romantic" means? It's not sex. That's lust. It's attraction + friendship (with values aligned and all that) + mind compatibility + spiritual communion. It's EVERYTHING. Romantic is not about having "sexy feelings" towards another.
This is fucking awesome.
I couldn’t agree any better that love alone is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship.
When my husband proposed to me 28 year ago, I did something out of the norm: Instead of getting emotional and over excited about a marriage proposal that does not guarantee a healthy and successful marriage, I rather proposed we have a meaningful conversation before taking this big step.
We discussed our needs, our values, what respect means to us, how we will handle adversities, kids etc ( even though one can’t predict the future) We had a global idea of what it meant to be in each other’s lives.
We were both excited about this constructive conversation, we put everything into writing and it literally became our covenant before our official marriage. 28 years and counting and we keep renewing our relationship. It is a helpful approach to get to understand each other. Thank you Mark for the awareness and pearl of wisdom.
By the way, your wife is a beautiful woman.
Thank you. I love this.
Such a wholesome story. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
Meh, she's ok! Mark could have done much better, but as long as he is happy, then thats fine.
gosh, thats so beautiful and real thanks for sharing this ❤ God bless your marriage
wow your husband propoesed to you prety much when i was born(i m 27 turning 28)
I could relate to Mark's wife when she said she studied her parents' relationship and took notes on what she wouldn't want in her own. I know focusing on the negative tends to be considered unhealthy, but I think the negative experiences in others can help us move in better directions.
people who ignore negative experiences or think pain has no value, will never get to a place where those negative experiences or pains are gone
True
Mistakes are best teachers, when they're someone else's, they're also saving you time
Made ma laugh. Thanks.
Absolutely. I learned a lot about what not to do with my life by observing my parents. Even the bad parents have something to teach their children... just not in the way they might like.
My five year relationship with my girlfriend ended last week and I’ve been devastated ever since. I really needed this video, it sheds a light on many glaring problems we had and the work I need to do on myself before getting into another relationship.
I'm sorry to hear about that and glad you are moving forward one step at a time. Good luck with your journey, this will make you more ready for the right partnership in time. It's gonna suck for a while, yet, though. Courage.
Sad to hear that, I’ve had many moments where the girl I talked was almost about to be my gf, or if I had done it right I would’ve gotten the results I wanted. Maybe it’s for the best, it probably would’ve ended and made me feel worse
Process the grief
I am 3 months out of a 7 year, it gets better. A book that really helped me is ‘Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It’ by Naval Ravikant. Good luck! 😊
really sorry to hear that bro! wish you all the best!
Again, people keep thinking love is a feeling. It is not. It's a choice. Choosing to respect, commit, and sacrifice for another person is love. Not feeling all warm and fuzzy like Hollywood wants you to think. The whole "fell in love" way of thinking is flawed and the reason people mess up relationships. All you need is to love, but it's not an easy task.
I think often we confuse infatuation for love. I think love at its core includes things like a combined pursuit of life, a levelheaded trust, and a romantic attraction. I think the biggest disservice stories in popular media has done is to model relationships that have long moments of tension from lack of communication coming to a breaking point. Emotions make for a hollow experience of narrative and life if they are devoid of any substance further than passing feelings.
3:21 - 1) Love does not equal compatibility
5:43 - 2) Love does not solve relationship problems
7:14 - 3) Love is usually not worth sacrificing yourself for
4) lust is not love
@@Azurethewolf168 5) What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..
@@cloudzero2049 😂
The greatest love you can have IS to sacrifice your life for the other. The sacrifice of your life doesnt necessarily mean to die but rather to let your own ways die and modify your identity to conform or jive with the other person.
This is why there is a song called "love is a battlefield" and the battle is to settle into your new identity with your partner which could take years.
@@cloudzero2049 6) lol
Thank you Mark! Advice from 10 years married: Every argument should serve to better your marriage so there should be a net positive with time. If positivity doesn't blossom from arguments, it's a net loss. Look at your marriage as a trend line and don't define it by your worst arguments.
Dos that also mean that I should get into relationship on it's low and get out at it's peak? ;-)
@@igorthelight it means that after the honeymoon period arguments will come your way but if you don't use them as an opportunity to grow, if issues are not adressed or are repeating themselves over and over after they've been discussed there is no point even if there is love
nobody is perfect so if you want a serious relationship you have to commit, be tolerant (to an extent), respect each other and work together to maintain a good relationship
@@pooky8282 some people pretend to grow from arguments and only reveal that they were faking it 4 or 5 years later. so.. that trend is no guarantee for anything. nothing is, really. it's a huge gamble.
For future reference; what are your arguments about?
I see a lot of couples that argue just for arguing instead of arguing to solve an issue
My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship! Our keys are
We have the same values
Our communication is top tier, we have that safe space to talk about anything
We speak each others love language
We are genuinely ourselves around each other
As a result our relationship flows so well, it’s so surreal and amazing
Fantastic, thank you for sharing.
If I had to guess, I would say one or both of you come from unbroken homes. That early exposure seems to lay the groundwork for continued success, usually. Then again, a lot of times it is through adversity that we see what we do NOT want and develop the determination to do life differently.
Either way, it only works if you invest your time and effort.
Kudos!
For now.
@@djwhiz03 well sir I like to live in the moment so “for now” I’ll keep enjoying my amazing relationship 🤝
@@ingrained2train as do I.
Yeah, this is called the campaign phase where the woman mirrors her partner. Give it 7-10 years. Sorry to bring the bad news.
love is not scarce, but your self-respect is, so is your dignity, and so is your ability to trust people.
10:23 Love is not unique. It's not special. It's not scarce. But your self-respect is, and so is your dignity, and so is your ability to trust people.
“Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be with them” has been a very comforting reminder for me throughout my heartaches and struggles with relationships. Because of my traumas I rush into relationships and have both times realized I didn’t really have much in common with them, or we were just generally incompatible, but felt stuck and tried to force it to work. I did have genuine feelings and love for both of them, though, I just knew there was no future. I really hope one day I’ll experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship. So far they’ve only been extremely stressful and hard for me mentally.
I'm sorry for you. I had a fantastic relationship during a year, but I convinced myself to give all of myself to that person when they didn't want that. Worst mistake becaise I got all anxious while they were fine, i thought we weren't compatible because I rushed into the relationship because I was young and after breaking up I miss dearly t the romance, but most of all, the ffriendship, that was te most important to me. I needed that friendship to function and now I feel so stuck, because even my studies remind me of them
Oxytocin: It's a helluva drug, man!
anxious attachment style
Moreover, I'd say falling in love with someone doesn't mean you must get into relationships with that person
Firstly, be sure to have a loving relationship with yourself. Be your best friend.
You're right, romantic love is just a bunch of intense varying emotions and lust that people get caught up in and addicted to. Many of my past relationships have had that feeling of being addicted to eachother. When I met my husband, it was just a quiet, relaxed feeling. It felt different because there was no "high" to it. We've been together over 14 years and it's been great.
I've made that mistakes many time and have chased that high now when I feel it thats a warning sign for me. It's so hard when things are relaxed it's probably right but there's that mistake of things being boring instead of right for you.
@@daryl9799 I see where you're coming from. In previous relationships, I always thought the initial "spark" was necessary for love. In my case, I realized following that feeling got me into relationships I shouldn't have been in. If you're with the right person, it won't feel boring but it won't feel like a rollercoaster either. A partner's job isn't to be constant entertainment or to provide dopamine hits. Partners are there for emotional support and connection, advice, trust, perspective, intimacy, etc. Yes, it's important to have fun and be playful in a relationship but the foundation needs to be there. Having hobbies that make you happy can provide the dopamine hits when needed.
@coolbreeze5683 Agreed ive been in relationships where they expected me to entertain them constantly it's just exhausting.
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@@coolbreeze5683 exactly!! I knew this subconsciously, but I forgot and made. Some mistakes
I’m 31 and single, have had love, lost it. Learned these harsh truths through life and self reflection. Thank you for the validation ❤
Same ,only im 2 years older.
Good luck sister
❤
Wassup pretty ❤
@coribrain789 shoot your shot boy 🔥
My beautiful husband and I have been together since 1997. I adore him so much, he feels the same about me. What Mark says is right. It’s not only love but values, goals, financial goals, day to day support and paying attention to what your partner needs.
I find that growth is one piece that that some people fail to embrace in a relationship. It’s like having a million dollars in the bank and expecting it to always be there and provide for your happiness, failing to consider bills, inflation, and emergencies.
I have two settings:
1) Strong feelings of attraction toward people who are incompatible with me, or don't want me
2) Platonic feelings of friendship toward people who would be great for me, who like me, and have a billion things in common with me
You have insecure attachment
Same!! (Agree with Amal about insecure attachment as well)
It's because the incompatible people are usually more attractive physically and the women who have interest similar to men are more masculine.
Me too. I want to screw hot jerks but chill with other like-minded shrews. That's most of evolutionary history. The people who ignite your lowest instincts are what you are supposed to reproduce with not spend any time with other than just mating and then collectively raise the kids together as a group of 50 women co-parenting every kid in the tribe. Same with dudes. You like hot bimbos. Yet wanna spend time with your bros doing bro stuff like ... Hunting for wild animals like your ancestors did. Not putting up with apes from another planet. So women wanna screw serial killers, beasts, demons, vampyres, pirates, and billionares... But only modern societal BS could tell you that they are fixable and worth anymore time then a quick mate to have strong babies that might stand a chance.
Same here bro... thanks for letting me know I am not alone 😂
I’m happily married (11 years). The agree with the friendship advice, also the biggest contributor to a happy relationship is acceptance of the other person and yourself. Too many are trying to change people.
I agree. I tried to change myself while accepting the other person, while the other person loved me as I was. My lack of love for myself led to some shit on my part, which I'm not proud of
So if your partner is lazy, does not work, big spender, unreliable; you need to compromise? 🤔
@@joecojones Eeew. Why would you marry someone like that to begin with? Who said anything about lowering your standards. I said the opposite. I said that you should accept yourself and the person you choose to have a relationship with. That means you have to understand who you are and who they are and choose if this is who you want a relationship with and then accept all of it just the way it is. Not pick someone because you like some things and fool yourself into thinking you can change the parts you don't like. Recipe for misery right there.
@@ocmetals4675 I will assume you are a woman, because i doubt any sensible man would start off a sentence with 'Eew'! LOL People are good at hiding their true natures, pretending to be some one socially acceptable. Couple that with raging hormones & willful blindness during the 'honeymoon' phase, the vast majority sign up for something we didnt know we were signing up for. Nobody UNDERSTANDs who they are! if they really did, guys like Mark Manson wouldnt be needed and you & i wouldnt be here now! people are like onions as in our personalities come in layers, that we need to pull away to see. That becomes more difficult the closer to the center we go! I hope your husband is as 'happily married' as you seem to be.
@@joecojones no, it means you find a new partner. Why the hell would you want to try to move a mountain instead of just taking a different route
Summary :
1. Love alone cannot sustain a healthy relationship
Respect, commitment, humility, growth are essential for healthy relationships
2. Long-term compatibility is more important than love
Compatibility should be prioritized over love, evaluate values and how partner treats others
3. Self-respect and trust are crucial for any relationship
Toxic behavior should not be accepted, self-sacrifice can be dangerous and diminish identity
4. Prioritize learning from example relationships, especially friendships
Prioritize self-respect, trust and learn from examples of positive relationships
❤
A little over a year ago I read the article this video is based off of after going through a NASTY breakup. That article is one of the few things that kept me sane and together and made so much SENSE in a time where nothing else seemed to. One year later I stumbled on the article…in video form! Thank you for making this and for writing that article all those years ago. The last year hasn’t been perfect but I’ve been single the whole time and feel like I’m growing into a better, more confident, happier me every single day.
After a BRUTAL experience dating, I spent three years single. One of my friends said “You’re finally happy. Don’t be with anyone who can’t add to that happiness because if they’re not bringing you up, they’re bringing you down”. She was right, and that advice helped me become VERY happily married. I hope you also find that (when you’re ready of course).
@@bashlea Remember loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
@@MyprivateFirst I learned that lesson many years ago, but this advice is just as true now as it is then
@@bashlea You can give them another chance, or you can forgive, let go, and give yourself a better chance.
@@bashlea Prove yourself to yourself, not people.
Watching your parents relationship absolutely helps. I watched my dad go through many relationships through the years and I learned what isn’t ok to do and what is great for the relationship. I find myself in one of the most amazing relationships I’ve ever had with a human being in my life. Communication, compassion, and understanding make a hard to break relationship. ❤
Great point ❤
Some parents
Tell this to an orphan lol
Or it poisons your outlook like an inescapable pickling, stewing in piss & vinegar, while all other relationships end in abuse, tragedy & horrible divorces.
4:14-Love as a feeling doesn't translate to Compatibility, Compatibility is often based on values
7:14-Love is sacrificing your little needs to care for another but when you sacrifice your self respect,dignity,physical body,Ambition,Identity etc then it becomes toxic
8:04-Love should supplement our identity
Thanks bro,i needed this! She's crying uncontrollably,but love isn't enough
Time will heal my friend
oh no what happened?
Lol
Either that's funny
Or, congrats
What? Zack! What happened ?
Just went through a breakup, and this video is just what I needed to feel reassured. Thank you Mark!
Be brave, you are not alone
been there. watch the breath and watch the attachment habit rise up, abide and pass away. don't give up
Be brave soldier, you will get out of the trench into the fresh air above
It’ll be okay. Just takes the time
Be strong!!!! Be! Strong!
I think one thing that's missing is that love is more than just a feeling. If somebody really loves you they take the time to understand you listen to you and have good communication. Not just feeling love and lust. Love also means that you're willing to work out the problems that you have as well. And sometimes love also means letting go if things are not right for both parties.
very true
To me, love is not just what one feels towards someone or something.
It's the ability to do all sorts of things, overcome all sorts of challenges, all for that one special individual/thing.
An example is, like when you're staying loyal and respectful to your partner, even when that 'crush' feeling isn't really there anymore.
Shared values and trust are huge. As the years click past it’s almost like part of the love you have gets replaced by a deep admiration for that person. Along with a sense of comfort you get being with them. They feel like home to you.
Wow!! Love this so much! Wish I found it 15 years ago - would've save me a lot of grief! LOL Love your line "A loving relationship is supposed to supplement your individual identity, not damage or replace it." I say a different version of this to my friends "A relationship is meant to enhance your life, not replace it. You're still your own person with your own goals and interests". Wish more people knew this!!
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i wished i have watched this video before because sacrificing my own self and adjusting to someone's life isn't really worth it. i was in a bisexual relationship. even though my exes were guys, i still gave it a try and totally replaced my perceived identity just to accomoodate someone.
My parents are the best example of true love I have even seen. They had an arranged marriage, never met each other before, but somehow they are made for each other. The best thing I have learned from there 20 years of marriage is mutual respect and values. I have never seen them fight each other verbally or physically, they might have a little dispute but get over it within half a day. I am blessed to have them.
That's amazing... arranged marriage is such a foreign concept to North Americans, but I think the level of committment is greater.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
Because you are seeking help with your one-itis! Nothing wrong with that; i hope we can help! Do you know why you love her so much? is it because she is so pretty? probably not, there are prettier. is it because she is nice & kind? Perhaps, but they change and the longer you are with them, they tend to be less kind to you. is it because she is special? hell naw! No woman is special. They are all very very similar to each other. You love her because you are a LOVING guy! Because you are a catch! SO, you can have this SAME love for ANY woman you choose, so long as you WANT to and you ALLOW yourself! You are the KEY ingredient in your love! You Awesome bro, not her! You AWESOME! So go find another woman that meets your standards and do for her like you did for your first and you likely will get similar results! Remember: YOU are the key ingredient!
@@inconnu4961 i know you meant well with this advice, but i think you can give it without saying no prospective partner is special… everyone is interesting and has something to give idk. i wouldn’t like it if a woman said ‘men aren’t anything special and you’re just the hottest woman ever so you’re good!’
Juan how beautiful & touching, i'm envious. I don't understand love. But one thing you are doing right: remaining loving! I heard recently being angry is a way of holding on. You are not falling for the angry way. You will be able to let go faster🕊
Here's crazy ass advice: Hold on tighter!! I get sick of it faster🤣
At the end of last year my husband had a psychotic break. It was probably the scariest thing we'd both ever gone through. Of course love was an aspect that got us through that time, but it was far from the only thing. Trust, communication, a sense of safety around each other, and working hard on ourselves mentally and to be better partners is what got us through. Luckily, with treatment, this psychosis episode is only a one time thing and shouldn't happen again. I am so proud of my husband though, he is truly so strong and amazing.
Your comment warms my heart. Kudos to your family and going through it together.
This is recommendable,so awesome and passionate
My love let be together😊
Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love.
"The only way to enjoy the love in your life is to make something else more important than the love in your life." Damn thats some good shit. Thanks Mark.
💯
My wife and I are good at that. 😄
I think that’s pretty much the mindset of every man I’ve ever met 😅
That's sad because of this I never felt I was prioritized in my previous relationship and I left it.
The only love that matters is the love for Mark and his channel. Every single time he puts up a video it gives me some new perspective.
But even that love is not enough. That's why there are cat videos.
nomnoms
It's exactly for you Losers ...
And you fall for it😭😭😭😭😭
🙆👏
@@DiscoFang true, cats are better than women... although similar but different
@@DiscoFang LMAO! You win the internet today!
Having never been in an actual relationship, due to over thinking every aspect of it, this gives me some amount of peace.
Being a person that has never invested in my own goals, I see a little clearer, that it is the necessary first step. Being half a person in a relationship seems like it spells disaster. Thank you for your advice. 👍
I'm proud of you! *That* is a level of maturity showing that you will choose the right partner, _AND_ have wonderful long term companionship with them!👍
@@thesurvivorssanctuary6561 I appreciate the support. I imagine, judging by the few likes on the comment, that many people are in the same position. May the best come to you, friends.
I'm kind of in the same boat, but at the same time I feel really lonely and crave intimacy
@@pipodedown1986 I do too. Sometimes it hits really hard, but deep down I know that it's going to hurt more if I never try, versus actually trying to find something fulfilling and get hurt in the process. I never really learned how to love or be loved properly.
Now, I strive to be kind, always. Although it seems like I am stuck in a perpetual state of platonic love, and I don't know how to move out of it.
I hope that you will be able to grow as well, friend.
@@andrewm.8841 thank you for your kind comment. I can tell you are a good person with lots of love to give, we'll get there one day
Trent’s music helped me work through so much depression and know I wasn’t alone. He sang about stuff nobody else around me talked about or understood.
Remember loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
As someone who has never felt romantic love I see this as absolute win! Same values and trust are only two components I really cared about.
I'm going through a very brutal breakup, and this was exactly what I needed to hear. Mourning the loss of a beautiful love but also seeing how certain incompatibilites were creating so much strife, and i'm relieved to be moving on. thanks for this
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Just started dating someone, been watching some advice videos about emotions and compatibility and keeping true to yourself. This one just takes the cake and is helping me figure things out again after being single for so long and sort of resorting back to the 'old me' of ignoring my own wants and needs just to be with someone. Really appreciate the work and honesty from you and your wife! Thanks so much for this!
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Same I too have started to idolize love again and crave a relationship. This video hit me with some sense again...
Mark is fun to listen to because he is one of the very rare humans who looks at things with any level of observation outside what they’re told to think. I can attest that this very rare trait will transform your life.
You must not hang around very many people, I suppose. I wouldnt call it a rare trait. Especially amongst men. But people do it with varying degrees of success.
From my knowledge that ain't a rare trait at all, his work is really good tho
"A loving relationship is supposed to supplement your individual identity, not damage it or replace it."
I was raised in a family where we are forced to put love before everything. Even abuse and disrespect and indignity is expected to be tolerated for the sake of love. It really messed up my idea of love and relationships for most of my life. Glad I got out of that.
My main takeaway was to consider whether my relationship is still thriving on a friendship underneath, fundamentally. And to never let the genuine friendship underneath dissolve to replace it with only lovey-dovey flirtation.
You need more to talk about with one another than *just your love*/infatuation for one another. If you're always sending cute sweet texts but y'all don't ever talk about anything else anymore, that's a red flag.
Appreciating the massive rise in video production quality lately. Also, respectfully, your wife's smile is beautiful. Cheers.
My ex partner was so much in love with me, while I appreciated our friendship more. He wanted to stay indoors (which made things more..
ehem...romantic. we would talk while hugging each other for hours) while I liked to be outside (it forced us to talk and be less lovey dovey, plus, it's good for the body and we discovered new places ). While he assured me I didn't need to change or that i didn't own him anything, I deluded myself into doing so (we were both horrible at planning and ended at his house most of the time ) while I knew it wasn't good i let myself be driven by the adrenaline, because I never had tahat and i thought it was good, it helped me feel more normal (i was an anxious mess before meeting this persona and felt better with him and we also had a a strong connection, not only romantic
I won't explain anymore but the story doesn't end up well. Take care of yourself, first of all, guys. I neglected myself , thinking of the "benefits of the relationship and it's my responsibility. I lost my flaky values and now I'm driven by fear. I want to change it but I know it will be a long road while I feel guilty for cutting a relationship instead of working more on it
Going on 9 years with my partner. We began dating in college and are not married, but our relationship has faced all the hurdles from losing parents, to post college angst, surviving a pandemic together, etc. Had it not been for the foundation of trust we probably would have broken up once or twice. Miscommunication is getting easier to navigate especially when that trust is there. Trusting that the person is not your enemy and has good intentions makes a big difference.
And of course, you have that strong trust with your best friends too!
Also don't lose trust in yourself
Make sure you don't start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don't value you. Know your worth even if they don't.
Heck yeah, this actually made my day. Was just crying again about my relationship that ended last year. We were so madly in love, though we couldn't communicate for shit & I sacrificed almost anything so we could live together. Turned out we wanted so many different things from life, and I confused this "soulmate feeling" I had with him for compatibility & all that jazz. There I also learned that love and all these feelings definitely aren't enough.
Love as a verb might be the most important thing for happiness. Honesty, accountability, selflessness, sacrifice; a brotherly love of sorts
I love this, I agree a hundred percent! I ended up a 7 year relationship last year basically because of this three topics that you pointed here. Amazing advice! It's the hardest thing to accept all this, but the moment you understand and internalize that, everything changes!
My love
Let be together forever 💛💛💛
Don't get yourself worked up with too many things; enjoy the simple things you love to do.
Remember loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
I agree that friendship and respect are the foundations of a good relationship. I have been with my husband for 30 years and I like him even more today than in the days of endorphin fog from the beginning of our relationship. However, love is the most important. It's only worth starting with. If you lay your foundations on common sense and compatibility, it's better to stay friends.
because you will start looking for love elsewhere... Thank you for your book - it made me very happy :)
I wish I didn't have to go through several bad relationships to learn these lessons.
At least you learned something. Some people don't and continuously make the same mistake
If someone doesn't look at me the way Mark looks at his wife, I don't want it. This is so pure and cute
Finally a person who doesn't waste my time tells me the truth and actually brings some sence to the title of thr videos
It depends on your definition of love. If it just means attraction, fun, and romance, then it's not enough. But if love means you care about someone else more than yourself (in a healthy way), then trust, commitment, values, sacrifice, etc. are all a part of love.
We looks love beyond box,more then what will desires, beyond our imaginations
My ❤❤..
I will love to be with you
The fact that this actually brought me peace of mind instead of depressing me or giving me anxiety makes me feel good about my personal journey. I mean that humbly. I’ve been in many relationships based purely on lust, passion, and infatuation. Or so I thought. I was really just in love with suffering. In the passed this kind of video would make me sad or shatter some illusion I had on what my life was supposed to be, but watching this takes a big weight off of me knowing that these are the things I value now in relationships.
Wow. You opened my eyes
When I met my now Ex-wife, she was obsessed with this fairytale notion of love, and neither of us had any idea about trauma bonding and unhealthy attachment styles. I've since come to agree with what Mark is presenting here. It's one thing to fall in love with someone, but it really needs to be more than that if it's going to last.
I needed this at this very point in my life where I'm getting married to a wonderful woman who I'm not in love with, yet. And this is after going through a heart wrenching fallout after 3 years of madly being 'in love' with someone. It seems like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Thank you Mark.
I'm glad you made this video. Thank you for debunking all the emotional crap that everyone believes that people "live happily ever after" after "finding love" which is pushed on to everyone by the media. Hopefully people will come to their senses after watching this. Thanks again.
I can honestly say that at age 45, I've never been in an intimate relationship where I was loved. Bittersweet world of a deep empath.
Maybe you hid yourself or at least did not reveal yourself. Or people who can’t see at any depth into themselves can’t see into you either.
As someone who had an incompatible relationship months ago, this was the biggest takeaway i have ever concluded in my life. Unfortunately the same wouldn't be the case if i were still blinded by love...
Thank you for this video. For me, this wasn't a clickbait, this is truly the BEST relatiosnhip advice, bar none. ❤
I’m so in LOVE with this video! 😂
When you had your old videos on UA-cam, this was one that I listened to most often, ‘cause I was having big troubles with my girlfriend, eventually EX girlfriend since July 2021.
Your content helped me a lot when I was navigating through difficult times.
Thank you Mark, from the bottom of my heart.
A hug from Italy 🇮🇹
ua-cam.com/video/WoKAMUGcK7w/v-deo.html
A few years post an unexpected divorce, I am still struggling with the idea of what love is. Thought I knew, but I was wrong. I still haven't been able to find an acceptable definition...Anyway, great advice here. My best takeaway is not putting up with something from someone you "love" that you wouldn't put with from a friend. Such a simple concept and yet so powerful. Good stuff, man.
I think reading the “Road less travelled “ is a good book on this topic.
@@victorianjeri1000 Thanks for the recommendation. Will check it out.
ua-cam.com/video/WoKAMUGcK7w/v-deo.html
You're not alone. A year divorced. I ask myself if its even possible to love again.
Here's my definition of love, if it helps any:
to care sincerely about the wellbeing of a person and want what is best for them
It explains why parent-child relationships can be so bizarre. There's usually plenty of love, but if the parent is mistaken in what is best for the child, the child suffers and it's always a disaster.
It's more clear-cut for romantic relationships I feel. You can tell over time if someone truly has your best interest in mind or if the relationship is just a means to an end, ex. you feel depressed and want to quit your soul-eating job but your partner fusses about what will happen to the kids and insists you stay. Yes, your children are important, but there's no thought for your feelings, no care for your wellbeing. No love there.
A parent will (hopefully) love their child just for being their child, but for a romantic relationship, I think the reason for your affection literally determines whether you actually love the person or not. If you're feeling loving toward them because they're kind-hearted, hard-working, handsome, beautiful, smart, funny, witty, or because they make you feel good, provide you security, etc. then your affection is self-serving and not love, in my opinion. The relationship has to be wanted for its own sake for it to be love. That means your partner shouldn't have to pass a checklist of behaviors, traits, or characteristics for you to feel affectionate towards them.
Your partner has to be the end itself, not a means to it. The only way this is possible is if your feelings arise from the bond and connection you've built together. Forming a bond with someone and getting to know them is a process that takes years, so a romantic relationship in the early stages will feel great, but it will never be love, even if they treat you right. It may look like they're doing things for your benefit, but if they're in love, they're doing it because they're on a romantic high. Always. See how they treat you when Mother Nature's chemicals and hormones wear off. That's the real test.
It all depends on what you mean by ‘love’.
1. Love is patient,
2. love is kind.
3. It does not envy,
4. it does not boast,
5. It is not proud.
6. It does not dishonor others,
7. it is not self-seeking,
8. it is not easily angered,
9. it keeps no record of wrongs.
10. Love does not delight in evil
11. but rejoices with the truth.
12. It always protects,
13. always trusts,
14. always hopes,
15. always perseveres.
16. Love never fails.
Your point is the modern definition of the word ‘love’ only focusses on feelings. I agree feelings are not enough.
But real Love is most definitely enough. The truth is we just don’t practice it fully
i love this man for being so honest and punching the truth on my face in every video he makes
Coming out of a toxic, abusive environment, I quickly realized the love I was attracting was unhealthy. So rather than marry/have kids like I saw many unhealed peers/friends do, I chose to work on valuing myself - my dignity, self-respect, and confidence. I healed, forgave, and let go. Sadly, most of those peers are divorced and learning the hard way. I'm relieved I skipped my first marriage and caused much less trauma to myself and anyone else. Now, I feel ready to build a healthy, supportive relationship. But even if that doesn't happen, I have a great, loving relationship with myself, which is more than I expected from life. :)
Absolutely causes of unhealthy relationship mostly is humanely made that if will take time to study it, will can control it before it leads to conflict that can cause depression, we humans makes a lot of mistakes in chosen a right partner and taking time to study our partners but all seems being equal we have every opportunity to give it a second taught..... equivalent I will looking forward to write you often and looking forward to study with you.........
I told this same thing to my ex and she told me that I had no idea what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, the very things we needed to sustain the relationship were not there. I've "dated" since but haven't been in a relationship. I think I've gotten to a point where I will go on dates and meet people, but I need to see trust, communication, loyalty, and similar values. Otherwise, it just becomes an emotional mess 6 months later as was pointed out.
love started when i started to respect myself my self-respect and thus I discovered which values suit me and which values I had to cultivate at this point I broke up with my relationship but at least I found my stable ones
When I broke with my first love, my bestie said our main issue was we were never friends. I didn't understand that initially but in my current relationship I do get it and how important it is to be a friend with your partner.
When he said you need something more important than love, that was like a switch turning on
We often sacrifice ourselves and end up not being able to give the care to one who really deserved our love and care such as family who actually selflessly lives you ( well for most people )
Years ago i read the blog post related to this video, and it made me find the courage to stop a toxic relationship that was drainin my life and living in a costant downword spiral of drama and no self love.
3 years later I've found the person of my life, following those principles and many other advices from mark's blog.
All i could say is: thank you for being the "wise friend" that was by my side during this journey, love you Mark!
This video is gold, real love is unconditional, most people dont know real love, they know the lust and desire and 'feelings' they have for their partner but when that starts to fade they havent created the foundations of responsibility and long term commitment within a relationship so their relationships have nothing to stand on when the desire fades and so they cant have real love in the long term especially when they have some reasons to harbour hate and resentment towards their partner, then they definitely wont know how to love properly in the long run.
Absolutely spot on. Having said that,I believe that as a society we have now reached a point where in the case you stick to these simple and reliable set of rules,you'll never get married. It's a bitter truth.
There's a teaching I come across again & again in Church services about love.... they say love is not a feeling, it's an action. You don't feel love... you 'do' love.
Also, the big advice to single believers was 'don't be unequally yoked'. Although Christians often see that as coupling up with someone who's got the same religion... it means so much more...
You can give them another chance, or you can forgive, let go, and give yourself a better chance.
Hey Mairedaly going through your comment and found your reasoning so interesting,it reminds me of Angeline Lopez 😂 you are very intelligent it won't be a bad idea to know you better,and write to you often if you don't mind thank you
Thank you for your realistic and honest perspective. I’ve been holding onto this old relationship(that ended 7 months ago) thinking it was a fairytale and he loved me etc etc. the respect and trust and values were not there. makes total sense it ended
Reaching 10 years with my partner! Been with him since senior year of high school and we are now approaching our late 20s, this video speaks the truth ❤
This feels semantic, because you denigrate love to just passion, as opposed to it being a composite of multiple aspects such as the trifecta of trust, care, and respect. It depends a lot on how one defines love.
Me and My wife clearly discuss that love is one of many values you give and take within a relationship. There's respect, honesty, loyalty etc... Value in, Value out. We are happy. So happy about those terms
I’m having problems with someone I love and this video came our right about the time I needed it. It really makes me happy hearing things that I never knew and learning from it also. Thank you for this.
The third point is the most important. My first breakup was because I am too much into motorcycles. Second, because I am too much into horses. Third, because I’m too much into western classical and not into Taylor swift. Fourth, because I love to sleep alone. Haven’t sacrificed any of these for any “love”. And it was worth it
Well done
The problem isn’t love, the problem is how we’ve been taught to love. People see love as something that is found outside of themselves. If we learnt to love ourselves unconditionally first, then love could solve the world’s problems, and it likely would. But for as long as people need the affirmation of others to finally feel good about themselves, we will never find the rest (and love) we all deserve.
100% Solo since 2019 = Peace+Freedom. I've only had short 4yrs - 12mos situationships but finally realized everything is better without drama, heartache etc
Ohh..
How are you doing today ❤
I will be happy to have u around
Remember loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
Love is so misunderstood. In reality, love is responsibility, friendship, caring, being comfortable together, loyal, respect, manners towards each other, a sense of humour in the relationship etc...
Before you pursue Eros love, you must first fully understand and enact the other three loves
Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤ After a marriage that ended in 2020 and a very toxic relationship afterwards, at only 32yo I feel drained emotionally and I kept telling myself that all I need is love. I have been looking and trying to meet someone else desperately, thinking thar finding “that” again will fix everything. But so so true, love is not enough!!! I had so much love in the past but it was never enough, other things were more important and eventually lead to heartbreak.
Thank you Mark, exactly what I needed to hear today ❤
Maybe we do need love as in dedication, attention and compassion, but from ourselves and not a romantic partner ❤ Wishing you warmth and care, from a fellow broken hearted 30 something ❤
@@nanaValente that is very true! I finally started to love myself and to offer all that compassion and dedication that I offered for years to men, to myself. And the right people will come at the right time. Wishing you love and happiness 😊
Well said mate. All of it 👌
That's been my moto for the last few years: love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
Demystifying love )) I now understand why I had a 3h conversation on the first date with the woman I love for already 15 years: I had to make sure we share the same values. It's been amazing.
With all the respect to Mark, I think it depends on how you define love. If you define love only as butterflies that you feel. Then yes, it is not enough. You can feel that with all sorts of people who may have totally different goals, values, and commitments. Love is just more than that for some people.
My gf told me yesterday if she had known I was like this she'd never would have messaged me anymore. This was the final nail in the coffin for us.
Literally this is what I needed to hear right now. I've been into toxic relationship twice in a row, Now I oath to not even talk to any guys anymore. But just realized, I need to focus on myself than focusing on someone who doesn't give shit about me.
This lesson takes several years to sink in....and for some people (I guess most), it never will. That's why I stopped dating and enjoy every second of my singlehood.
I agree 💯. Trust would be the largest part of the pie for me. Without trust, there is no relationship. Hardest lesson I have ever learned. Love is just Nature's drug cocktail to get us to procreate.
“but if like rezner, we believe that love is not enough, then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotions or lofty passion. we understand that there are other just as important aspects than simply being in love - respected prioritized, supported, desired, and understood. this, in my opinion, is the best piece of relationship advice that no one ever tells you, that relationships should be based on more than merely just feelings.”
All of your videos are so effing good. Well written, to the point, funny, and memorable. It’s such a treat when someone who’s well known from the traditional media world is also well-versed in the social media world. It’s like you’re talking directly to us, not down at us or making abstract explanations like a lot of self-help gurus do - learning a lot from you Mark!
Remember loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are, and to stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
You make good points, but I would also add a good degree of lifestyle compatibility to the mix. If the way you live your life is too different from your partner it can be exciting at first as both get a high amount of new input, but it will cause major problems down the road. You can have love, trust, values, and commitment, but if your lifestyles are too way different it won't work.
This video came at the right time for me. I've been setting these super high expectations for my love life and have neglected the fundamental parts of what a relationship is. Thanks Mark!!
I've been setting high expectations and I've never even been in a relationship. Every time I try to chase one it never works. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson, because one of the things I have valued the most is friendships and they're a great source of joy in my life. Goes to show I need that friendship basis with anyone like was said in the video before anything could go further. It would be much better for me to just let things happen if they do. I'm glad people like Mark exist to tell my ape brain to calm down and take it easy or as the first part of Subtle Art goes: "Don't try."
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LOVE ;) your videos, Mark. On this topic, I'd argue that you're talking about three different states of being that are so different from one another that it's a shame they share the same word. 1. Love = attraction and romantic ideation 2. Love = commitment to fully unite one's life with partners, children, etcetera 3. Love = universal, benevolent compassion that comes from being totally at peace with one's self. All very cool, but all very different. I have nothing to add on why one is better than the others, but I felt compelled to comment, which is the hallmark of a good, thought-provoking video.
ua-cam.com/video/WoKAMUGcK7w/v-deo.html
You can give them another chance, or you can forgive, let go, and give yourself a better chance.
My fiancé and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged. For many around us, it was frustratingly long before we decided to get married. But here’s what we proved in that time:
1) entertain each other
2) be attracted to each other
3) romantically love each other
4) live together
5) move cities together
6) coparent (pet)
7) live away from each other
8) not overdepend on each other
9) take care of each other’s serious sicknesses and injuries
10) align values and goals
11) disagree with respect
12) confide in our personal shame, secrets, insecurities
13) don’t “keep score” but balance responsibilities
14) fill some emotional needs with other friends
15) be curious towards each other’s interests even if you don’t share them
16) make each other laugh every day at least a few times
17) balanced apologizing
The list goes on but those are the best ones for me personally. Love is building a portfolio of these qualities that both people benefit from. Some of these things overlap with regular friends, that’s why I love them too. And that’s why Mark says your partner should be your friend, and many say it’s their best friend.
Last thing - I see some people struggle with getting with someone they are attracted to. Yes some initial attraction is good, but you might be more surprised than you think by just how much more you can become attracted to someone over time. We stereotype people getting less attractive over time too much.
Communication. That's probably the most important for me.
Unfortunately it's very hard to find people who's good at communicating. People who know how to be open, honest and know how to discuss something without personal attacks, irrational anger, blaming, escaping, etc. It seems like most relationships are about winning against each other, instead of being a team, fighting the rest of the world together. That's what i want. Someone who holds my back, who doesn't want anything to hurt me and who never would hurt me intentionally.