Am I The Narcissist? How Narcissists Use Reactive Abuse to Gaslight You
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- #lifecoach #codependency #selflove #relationships
www.micheleleenieves.com Have you ever felt that YOU are the narcissist? If so - watch this video and find out how emotional manipulators set you up to take the blame for the abuse.
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I think every person that has been in a long term relationship with someone high on the narcissism scale has asked themselves at one time or another - am I the narcissist? I truly hope this video sheds light on how the narcissist uses reactive abuse to try to 'prove' that you are the problem in order to hide the fact they THEY are the problem. Please remember that the fact that you care if you are the abuser says a lot!!! My editor aka my husband thought it was funny to leave in the bloopers lol. I like to make faces at him when I make videos just.... because lol - I didn't realize that he thought it would be funny to leave them in the video!! Ay yay yay.
Michele Lee Nieves Coaching
Hi, I love your video.
Yes, I sometimes question if I am the narcissist, but I know that I am not.
The other day, after a particularly nasty bout of abuse from her, I told her that she was crazy. She replied,
"everyone knows you're crazy!"
She has been gas lighting me and she can use some of my adverse reactions as her 'evidence' of how crazy I am.
I understand and I KNOW that I mustn't react to her persistent and relentless, escalating abuse. But like you said in your video, they won't stop.
I often tell her to stop being abusive. Of course she continues with the abuse. I don't respond. I leave her alone. She follows me. She insists that I listen to more abuse. She narrows the distance between us. She looks down at me. She escalates her anger.
Normally now I can refrain from reacting.
There are times when the level of insensitivity and downright cruel disregard for how I feel make me very very sad. Times like those I really know that she is manipulating me. Those are the moments of clear truth. The worst times are the times when detachment is possible. Sometimes now, instead of hoping for things to improve like I used to do, I wonder if things will get worst so that I can detach completely from her.
@@paulbarrett635 this is so sad, please be safe. Noone deserves to be treated this Way. If i was You i would not remain in such a Relationship. But you must realise that You are responsible for Your Life and Happiness, of course idk the Situation you in or if Kids are involved=why you staying but anyhow i am Wishing you the Best, Peace of Mind.
Thank you for sharing your heart and knowledge I feel much more in tune after listening and watching intensely to your beauty. I also feel you are a gift from heaven. But you shouldn’t cross your eyes like that. They might get stuck and then what would you do? Probably become the most famous person on youtube Anyways, Seriously, Thank you for helping me see this part of me
@@johnpaul2285 :D :P =^..^= bc of "should not cross your Eyes like that..." and Puhleaaaz can someone let the cutest Furry Friend out of Jail :'( .....
OMG I'm so glad that you posted this video. I have been going through this in my current relationship for the last 2 years and I was really starting to wonder if I was the narcissist. My SO will relentlessly verbally assault me and I will try to remain calm but eventually lose my cool and then I get blamed for the verbal assault and get shamed for losing my cool. It's been very difficult because I know deep down that I am not that person. I'm going to try to observe without absorbing next time. Thank you so much! 💕💕
Yep, they calm down and say you're the abuser....uuuggghhhhh...then everyone thinks you're the crazy one. Thank gawd you made this video.
And a narc mother will use a reaction she provoked you into 35-40 YEARS ago to turn people against you behind your back, including your own husband. Disgusting and pure EVIL.
My Bible Banging Sister and hate filled Brother !!! Thank You for posting !!
"Without realizing it you begin living to help the narcissistic person to behave better." 🤯 Truth. Enlightenment. Epiphany! Thank you!❤
Wow 😮 I'm glad someone is talking about this. Insane how long this can go on and with sprinkle of gaslight and you don't even know who you are.
I literally feel like that sometimes.. I question my own judgement so much now. It's very confusing and hard to escape from
I didn't react and he got more abusive, physical abuse, verbal abuse, unlawful confinement, etc. After 1 1/2 hours I finally had a second to grab my phone to phone police. He was charged and will be appearing in court.
Best of luck to you may your future be bright
@@themanicman8458 Thank you! Still dealing with the hurt but this too shall pass.
I hope you will get the support you need to remain strong and determined to pick up the pieces and use this experience 2 help other people who are involved with, and struggling to break free from a narcissist. We must use the gift of knowledge and wisdom to help others. I hope that one day you will see this as a gift. May God bless you and keep you safe from future harm. Much love.
Good for you. Had to go through something similar a number of years ago, and it was the only legal way to make him vacate my premises. Otherwise, even though it was my place, the police wouldn't help as long as there was no physical evidence of abuse. What a sick society we live in ..... I wish you a strong, steady recovery from the ordeal. Best wishes
@@juliedefee598 Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you, Michele. This video came right on time. My narc mother has managed to cause undue alarm with my psychologist by being an alarmist over non-issues and non-concerns. When I have a volatile reaction to her fact-twisting manipulations and lies, she uses my defensive reactions and incredulous behavior to point out “my” mental instability. I become the one with “the problem.” She actually wrote several letters to him with the opening line: “Dear Dr. Smith, I am concerned about my daughter.” This unduly alarmed my psychologist and he approached me about it in a reproachful manner as if I had done something wrong; as if I was the offender. He actually had me on my back foot defending MYSELF. He took the bait, but still didn’t read the letters because of client-therapist confidentiality, but nevertheless the intended effect was created.
I literally had a nervous breakdown why me and my ex broke up, was convinced I was a narcissist or a psychopath, I wrote a long letter saying how she served better and how I was sorry for acting the way I did. Little did I know she was cheating and in a relationship within 2 weeks, engaged within 6 months. After our fights I was ALWAYS the one who said sorry. She even said I can’t say sorry because it makes me feel bad about myself. She’d push my buttons and even admitted this at one point. I walked on eggshells , had lies told about me (that I made her pay all of our household bills which was not true) and allowed this rumour to be spread about me by her family whilst my family thought she was a princess. She told me she had bpd traits and from afar looked very vulnerable but you could sense the grandiosity that came through.
She’d tell me about how her sister (also narcissistic) would say my house was small where we lived and basically that she’d said all of this stuff about me and then I got told I was over reacting when I defended myself. I never felt anything was good enough, everything was my fault and I tried so hard. I was in therapy right through our relationship for anxiety problems and I definitely see I can be reactive (I have adhd) but I don’t think I was the narcissist anymore, I see how a lot of times when I came across as narcissistic I was defending myself.
She would tell me things no loving girlfriend would and then say I was crazy when I was jealous and because she was being truthful apparently that means I can’t be hurt when she told me about guys sending her messages and she refused to not reply for fear of offending “THEM” nothing about me feeling insecure and I should just trust her. If someone like that was trustworthy they wouldn’t put doubt in the person they claim to loves mind. I see now she was abusive, she would light the fuse then stand back and watch things explode and then go to bed and go to sleep whilst I was awake all night worrying.
I have forever questioned if I was the narcissist for the last year of my 8-year marriage to a narcissist. And I have been probably engaging in reactive Behavior for about the last five years of the marriage, which has made me question it so severely. Thank you for this video!
I hope you are doing well x it is an awful thing to go through. Sending you healing x
Thnx so much for clarifying the difference. I knew I was being reactive and I always felt guilty, embarrassed and ashamed but took personal responsibility for my own actions which was something she could never do. When I finally discarded her she actually had the nerve to flat out call me the narcissist which felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.😒
I snapped and didn’t give a damn if the narcissist had evidence or not people who know me know me, I just carried on living my best life. Admitted my reactive abuse and forgave myself
Thank you so much for this video. My ex in jail with 100k bond for what he did to me and I'm still struggling with guilt for the way I reacted.
I always felt really gross after reacting in an abusive way but after admitting it and having it used as a weapon against me later, I stopped admitting it. I tried everything I could to keep a handle on things, but at the end of that relationship I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. I have so many doubts about myself now but I’m hoping I can get back to a good spot by working through it all.
This is what happened with my narcissistic ex. I finally snapped after he discarded me using the silent treatment, I finally was able to talk to him and asked him what happened and what I did wrong. He threatened to have me fired from my job, treated me like I was stalking him, refused to give me an explanation and continued giving me the silent treatment. After losing it he said “thank god I did what I did because look at the way you reacted”. I thought I had lost my mind and I felt so bad. Narcissistic people are extremely manipulative and toxic.
Thank you for making this video.
I would express to them to let them know that I am being pushed beyond my breaking point, because if somebody were to tell me what I told them- I'd back off. I was expecting the same reaction from them. I didn't realize I was giving them trophies of their triumph over me. I am literally nauseous to think of that.
You are changing my life Michele. Do you have any idea how many blessings are you collecting by helping millions like myself. This video is WOW!
I'm so happy my videos can help others!! I always say - I can't change my past but if I can use it to help others then that is awesome! Sending good vibes your way =)
@@FromSurvivingToThriving Thanks for the reply Michele. Today is my day 42 of No Contact after Discard & I am going through one of my worst emotional breakdowns ever. After God, what has helped me is your videos. We are lucky to have you ... What you must have been through without any support like we have ? Gives me cold shivers.
Thank you. I knew this was a component of narcissistic relationships however coming across your post has been reaffirming. I've been through many extremely abusive narcissists. Girlfriends, bosses, co workers, "friends", mother, step-father (violent psychopath so narcissist by default). I seemingly have been a magnet for these personality types my whole life. I am no contact from them all including my mother after an extreme series of her behaviours that just left me heartbroken and crushed. No more. I currently do gig work to support myself so as to avoid these types as I attempt to put myself back together again.
I love your tone and delivery. Thank you!
Very insightful. Thank you. I am constantly told I am a narcissist by my partner. Everything you say here I am experiencing and have experienced for years. I question everyday if I am a narcissist and hearing it so much I start to believe it. I'm told that my behavior causes my partner to be in reactive abuse. I have reacted and I have have been abusive. I have never done such things to poeple before this relationship. I'm now questioning if I went into reactive abuse from the emotional abuse I was receiving. I am very sad and broken from the things I have done. It kills me to know I did what I have done. I honestly dont really know what to believe anymore. I aim to not be a victim. I choose to be strong. And continue my own self development. It's hard because I truly love my partner. Even yesterday a discussion became and argument. I was calm and she elevated but yet apparently it was my fault. So she says. It's always my fault. I took accountability for my part. No accountability from her though. It's all me. So she says. Becuase of what I have done in the past, i am the problem. I recall that after my reactions to the energy I was receiving, I remember feeling like i cornered and being bombarded with blame and insults. I would remain calm and try to defuse the situation but the only elevated. Then I exploded. And did terrible things in reaction. Its difficult to forgive myself for what I have done and now have to live with my actions. It always my fault. It's clear now that in this relationship that narrative will never change.
Wow this is really enlightening. This is exactly what would happen in my marriage.
Hi, Michele. Good to see you. Thank you for covering this topic! Yes, I have done all this! And you have clarified why. Justifiable anger and reaction is human. Yet, THEN we then become LIKE the Narc! Which makes them VERY Happy and gives Grade a supply to them. They got what they wanted! *THAT Breaking Point!* I think we have all been there! I only did that just before I went NC. And it was a lot of injury to them....THE FOO! *Out of character for me... and I DID say that to them!* Or I had taken to LAUGHING at them when they were out of control Narc stye! I don't feel bad! NC hurt therm more but that is not the main reason for NC...It is to be abuse-free, heal and grow! I fully know I am not a narc now, Michelle ...finally! Went back and forth with it. I concluded! And yes, I have now learned these tools you gave here with everyone now....and stand my ground without coming out of character. They keep trying...frustrated and finally give up. Thank You, Michelle! Good to see you again! Happy Holidays to you and your loving loved ones!
They push you maliciously and aggressively or even while you’re vulnerable like in the shower or sleeping until you explode and then they calm down or start crying. Immediately making you realize that you’re acting crazy. Then you apologize to them.
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed this!
Thanks so much for making this video! I really needed to hear this xx
There is NO but in an " apology " that's just empty.... Insincere...
It happened to me. I had an ugly look in my eye , apparently or I raised my voice. Finally I said you deserve it.
I thank my friend for telling me about reactive abuse when i told her i thought i was the narcissist
Opening your eyes to these people can get over wellming ..
I need strong powerful words that can make him back off my boundaries and stop pushing my bottons
"The wicked are estranged from the womb; They go astray as soon as they are born, speaking lies (meaning corrupt serpent genetics that look human but are not entirely...). Their poison is like the poison of a serpent; (subtle but deadly to poison everyone against you..... )
They are like the deaf cobra that stops its ear, (will not listen to truth or reason) Which will not heed the voice of charmers, (those of excellent speech and wisdom) Charming ever so skillfully." (Wasting their breath)....Psalm 58:3-5
"For they do not sleep unless they have done evil; And their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall." Proverbs 4:16
OR they're just calm from the start, the CALMLY gaslight you, shane you, blame you, deny fault, minimize, and calmly repeat themselves ad nauseum..they do all this until you snap, then they shake their head at how pitiful you are and walk off.
I went through reactive abuse and afterwards was pointing fingers. It made me more narcissistic myself
Thank you! Your video makes so much sense and I finally feel free from immense self-doubt after months of therapy and watching you (along with other therapists') videos.
My God, it's actually insane how my dad would often bring up occasions where I blew up at him as a justification for insulting or threatening to throw me out on the streets. Umm, hello, did you forget the point where you called me an ungrateful self-absorbed pig bastard because I simply forgot to put the cereal box back in the cupboard? When I said sorry and tried to reason with you to calm down but you kept on screaming and yelling at me? When you gave me a panic attack and I already had a crappy day at work the other day? But no, I was the one in the wrong for slamming the door because you ruthlessly screamed at me and insulted me.
We are not perfect. But at least we try to admit our mistakes when we can. Narcissists genuinely believe they can do no wrong and one small mistake in response to their childish and explosive behaviour will always be used against you.
Wow! This was GREAT! Thank you 🌸
I struggle with this but now that I'm aware whats happening I think it will be easier to stop myself from doing it.
Yes i feel bad about my behavior because im not like this before
literally just lost my shit a minute ago dealing with this... 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
I was recently targeted by a narc. Once i was drawn in by the love bomb stage she became really nasty. Last week she came over and was running me down for hours, I lost my cool and dropped a heap of truth bombs on her and dumped her ass. Do I regret it? No. I was provoked to such a degree that anger was an appropriate response. does that make me a narc? I don't think so. ..
One thing though is that my narc mother would sometimes become violent and get in my personal space and then I would have to react back… I would argue that the “but” is not necessarily a sign of a narcissist but it’s also something that a narc would say to try and gaslight/place victim in a scenario they instigated. I think the feeling of guilt is more telling
Because with a narcissist I thought we also know that we can not try to do the “there is two sides to the story” as you would in the case with a non narcissistic person. Bc when there is a narcissist in question there really is only one person who is in the wrong.. and to not acknowledge that is victim blaming.
This video is three years old though and I know you have already covered this problem now
Michele, can you do (or have you done) a video of what happens when a narcissist gets in a relationship with another narcissist? If not can u do one? I view your knowledge of narcs with highest regard, you know your stuff girl.
They tag team and find someone to Scapegoat and abuse. One narc gets the "alpha" position and the other one is subservient. They are of the same seedline so it's not really any fun for them to abuse each other. They look for one of us (of the good seedline). See Genesis 3:15 about the two seedlines "at enmity" with one another. This truth has been carefully hidden from us.
@@reesedaniel5835 thank you for the answer. It makes total sense. 👍
I can't decide if I want to cry or the other thing that rhymes with cry. I would leave by now, but I can't bear the thought of my child wondering where Dad went, when I am the main caregiver for the child since mom works and sleeps for third shift, it's the feeling stuck. It's looking this information up once a week or more. It's spending almost 8 years spinning through thoughts that only come about after an argument with her.
And I forgot to mention, my reactions to her persistence.
Nothing like living in your mind 24/7 because your isolated but not stupid.
I'd like a hug, and not just because I'm told to give one, but because I'm truly loved. I'd like to feel that warmth of souls melding in synchronicity, I'm beginning to think love may be a thing of the past as we move towards this dystopian pop culture future, of selfies and DIY famous Tikt0ks.. that not only cater to the narcisist need to stare into the mirror, but continue to further drive this seeming mass loss of empathetic reasoning and emotional intelligence, causing an unwavering epidemic of emboldening the Narcisist only to continue to pass their survival skill down to their favorite child and continue the cycle into the future, where every ten years the people of earth multiply, exponentially. Forgive me I had a very livid and now very lucid morning.
Hey, This just happened to me. I was blamed. I used your quote.” I’m sorry you feel that way” He said , What physiology book are you reading. I was told I ruined another weekend. This is the third time this same argument has happened. Simple situation that was no big deal, flipped and cursed me out. Gave me a lecture and changed the subject. Got mad later and said he was done and I was leaving but I said I needed to get some things. Changed and said so is this what you want, to be out of the relationship. Said let’s drink a beer or two like I had suggested. I said ok. Out of no where, he says, I’m sick of this same ole shit. I’m done and said I’ve got things to do. I left. Famous silent treatment . It’s been 5 days. I texted him twice and now I’ve been silent two days. I’m lost and I’ve been blaming myself. Trauma bond is strong. I’m trying to be strong. This is a gay relationship of 4.5 years. He does have ADD. ( addicted to aderal) I’ve blamed it on that for years. Unanswered text at times , no calls back. Canceling plans and being uninvited at times. Controls, when we have sex. I’m turned down 100% ,if I ask. Lost his job a year ago and has not looked for one at all(money saved)it was not his fault of course. Mind you has a masters degree in English. He says he needs to fix himself but does nothing to even help.says he has no purpose and that’s why he keeps busy at home. I take the back seat. Tells me not to expect anything when I come over.This is the third time I’ve been let go this year. Then he says be patient with me to fix myself. Of course I say yes and then it’s back to being about him.I know he is not seeing anyone. We have kids from previous marriages. One week on and one week off. Then we spend four days of the next week together.He said he likes to be alone the older he gets. Any advice. Lately I thought I was a narcissist. I’m an empath and he got me straight out of a separation/divorce. Love bombed me hard for almost a year. He does the love bomb stuff now and it’s up and down. Went to his sisters over Thanksgiving and all I got was I Love and miss you. Calls upon calls. Gets home and its not even close to that at all. That’s a pattern. Anytime he gets happy or travels he love bombs. I guess when he gets back does a devaluation in a way.I’m addicted to him and sex with him. Ii don’t want to even think of having sex with another person.But I’m getting angry and I have been lashing back at him. I’m lost. Any advice
But what if you’re in a situation where the abuse is small things left around the house. Like there are no verbal or physical abuse, but complete disrespect for you and your belongings.
Reactionary abuse makes it easy for narcissists to blame shift. It is way they abuse you in the first place.
It's ironic that I came by this video... I've been wondering if I am a Narc. Because, I've been going through a lot lately. I feel like I've changed since he came into my Life. I feel out of control of myself. I've even though of suicide and I've NEVER thought of that before. It's like I'm broke right now. Thank you for this video.
its not ironic, you are loved and you are worthy, please be safe.
@@adembasou-JesusLebtUndRettet ... Thank you for caring. I really appreciated you.
@@rightthewrong6050 Thank You how sweet of You, its bc i been in that Place before, so i really can relate and we need to uplift one and another. Be Blessed
@@adembasou-JesusLebtUndRettet ... ♥...
It’s so confusing dealing with my future mother in law. She’s such a bad narcissist. But with her crazy making I start to wonder if I’m the narcissist.
She can ignore me for hours on end and the moment she gets bored with her phone I'm expected to be ready with the affection hugs and kisses, and if I don't them I'm the bad guy.. drives me nuts. I'm ending the relationship as soon as lockdown is over.
Im learning lots from you and i love it
At times I feel like he’s turning me into a narc like him. He had left the light over the stove on for five hours while he was at work. When we all got home I told him . what the hell is wrong with you why don’t you learn to turn off the lights? I said you know that I am on a budget and I can’t afford to be leaving lights on. Then his response is well why don’t you just learn to make a money? Maybe you should stop spending money and learn to make it. He knows that I am disabled and that I cannot work. That’s been his daily freeze for the last month is that I should learn to make money . I know deep down I shouldn’t have flipped out but it gets frustrating because he doesn’t acknowledge anything that I ask off him.
Stuff like this confuses me. If you are abused by a narc for years, you end up becoming one to fight back. So eventually you don't know who the abuser is anymore. I'm at fault for this and I hate it. I'll try doing what you say but does that mean that I am manipulating the other person because I'm causing them to become angry for not having the same reaction? Won't the other person start acting the same to win just like I acted the same. Is being a narc a permanent trait or is it a fluid trait that can be changed? This game of the brain is mad. Our species is fascinating. I just wanna be happy. Is the fact that I'm saying this a form of narcissistic validation seeking and I'm just trying to prove to myself that I'm not the narrassist? It screws with my head but fascinating none the less
What if they own it and continue to display the same behavior time and time again?
Thank you.
So true
This was one of my narcissistic exs favorite tactics. Get me all worked up, provoking me for hours on end, get the reaction, take out the video camera. It was absolutely sick. It came to a breaking point for me when he added another layer onto this abuse: after he would provoke me and record me, he started recording himself gently saying how concerned he was with my mental health "kelsey I'm so concerned for you, we are going to get you the help you need, and this video is going to show you and everyone watching. I love you"
It was truly terrifying.
What was even more terrifying is how calm he was when I would react. If you looked close enough he always had a very subtle evil smirk on his face when this was happening.
I found myself carrying a ton of guilt and apologizing for my reactions often, he would use my apologies as further "evidence" against me, and made me feel like I was always indebted to him, instead of apologizing for his behavior. I'm so glad I tossed him out. The wounds left behind are deeper than I ever knew, but I'm glad I'm now able to recover and take it day by day.
These demons will rot in hell for all eternity. And so richly deserved!!!
*hugs* that is terrible.. I'm so glad that you had the strength to get out with some sanity❤️
Jeeez 😒
I could’ve written this. I ended up in a psych ward before I got the courage to leave
Screenshotting your comment to store away for those days where I need this validation. My covert narc mom spent the 1st 26 years of my life doing THIS EXACT THING to me and it almost drove me to suicide. Thank God, we know what we know now! 🙏
OMG I did not even know reactive abuse was a thing. I have been beating myself up for over a year about the end of my relationship, and how I acted out at times towards my ex. Stuff I was not proud of. Thank you for this.
We've all been there and blamed ourselves. I've also yelled and screamed and done things I wasn't proud of. The difference is that healthy non-narcissistic people take responsibility and ownership for their actions and they try to be better. All the best to you on your healing journey.
This was me just 15 minutes ago. Now I am the bad guy! Now my anger is abusive. Oh and did I say I am crazy. Oh and her ADHD son is a god and I have to shut ny mouth when I tell her he is the issue , not his teachers !
@@stevenkovler5133 he has adhd, he's a kid, this makes you look like the narc and the little kid. sorry not sorry. Yeah you're definitely provoking and you use her kid to do so. This is the epitome of manipulation, this comment of yours.
“Make it a goal to be your authentic self no matter what circumstances you’re in”. We don’t need the narcissist’s validation, if they don’t see us for who we are it’s their problem. What matters is that we validate ourselves and be patient and compassionate towards ourselves... thank you for this video!
The narcs don't see us for who we are because it would force them to see themselves for the evil and disgusting monsters THEY are. So instead, they project their evil disgusting qualities onto us and steal our good qualities (as a public facade) for themselves. These people are demonic.
@@reesedaniel5835
it’s really weird because I feel like I have been both the victim as well as the evil persecutor, who is so mean, it shocks myself. It’s mostly unconscious. It feels almost like being possessed, if that is even possible…. I don’t even know how to reconcile that.
@@reesedaniel5835they "hide" behind it, learn to "claim" your qualities sidestep thier claim to it and show that they are pretenders
yup He brings out the worse in me so much so that I feel like I am not living an authentic life because this is not who I am Only in this relationship It makes me so sad
Sorry to hear that - don’t give up!!!
loveea other , yes I understand what you said. You are only like that in this relationship.
When she says to me, after I have reacted badly to her, " why arn't you like that with other people". I reply that only she is that abusive to me ! That is lost on her.
I was only mad when I was at home or around my wife. She kept saying I looked angry or mad all the time and I should smile. But when I did that is when she would start in on me about anything and everything, non of which I had any control over. Ended up reacting the wrong way and went to jail now my life is a lot harder. No one understands and blames me for everything. I want my life back.
When someone says I have an attitude I just tell myself that they gave me that attitude - one thing to ask yourself is do the people that really matter to you have the same opinion? I knew certain people (where they narcissists- I wouldn't bet against it) who would accuse me of either losing my temper when I didn't or accuse me of getting smart with them - that's a sure sign they have something wrong with them - and it's not you - like the ending to this video Michelle
Sounds like you were talking to my wife! Oh my... I’m placing my bet with you.
drppr 76 My narc husband does this all the time... He will talk to me like complete shit and when I finally have enough and talk back to him with an attitude all hell breaks loose and he turns the whole situation around saying he acted that way cause I had an attitude it’s actually insane and when I tell him NO that’s not what just happened he always says the same thing he always says do you ever noticed your never wrong and try’s to tell me I’m trying to manipulate him it’s so disgusting... Thank god I figured out what was really going on cause for a while there he actually had me thinking I was crazy.. They are sad sad people...
Amanda Fletcher - I bet he serves up a mean word salad too. I hope you already have your freedom. Key word: walking papers.
Hamlet Fortinbras Ohhh ya I hear everything under the sun... I’m still here in it but I’m trying to figure it out if you know what I mean... I’ve been here 10 years too long sadly it took me 5-6 years to figure out what was going on...
Amanda Fletcher - I know what you mean. I work daily on maintaining my resolve to leave... and it’s harder than I think so I’m blackmailing myself online by setting a generalized date (my step-daughters giving birth and she’s in my insurance). You have so much more life ahead to live and I’m glad for you to have figured it out sooner than later. Life is going to be wonderful!
I know exactly what it feels like. I've been there. She had the talent to push me beyond my limits. Then I always ended up feeling guilty.
actually noone can drive you crazy unless you give them the Keys.......i know that can be easier said then done at Times (me def. i acted many times in a way i am not proud of at all)....yet its the Truth. We are responsible for our Life, our Happiness and how we act and what we say or do, we allone. We also have the Right to say NO, to anything or anyone w/o Justification=that is called being free. And Self Love is NOT egocentrism. Its Healthy to have Boundaries. And as Michelle said the 'other' person is also allowed to act anyhow they want (no matter how shitty, bc its THEIR FREE CHoice), but we must not tolerate such Behaviour or Treatment we can simply walk away. Relationships are supposed to be a Place of Peace and Laughter, at least most of the Time, Life is allready hard nuff, we should only be with People who enjoy being with us trully and do not make us feel as we are not enough or who are mean and abusive.
Yep... Been there sir too!..
Me too. Been there. Done that!
I crashed my ex husband's truck into his other one, after 6 years of abuse. I then told him we don't need to be together because of the behavior. He said, my friends told him he should leave me, cause I was crazy, but he wouldn't. Took him going to jail (6 months later) for me to be able to get away from him. My counselor had to tell me I wasn't a narcissist.
After 14 years of narc abuse and wanting to kill my self, I finally went off, threw stuff, fell on the floor crying. Gawd I was so embarrassed by that and now I am gray rocking him just so I don’t go there. Now it seems like he is trying to abuse me more mentally, needling me. I am not falling for it and I am quietly trying to leave.
Are you ok now?
I Just filed for divorce because my husband is so emotionally and mentally abusive that even when I dont react to him he will antagonize me until i literally snap and get physical and then he will say, look at you, youre abusive.. while im the one in tears.. im done.. All i want is my peace back...
You've perfectly described a miserable marriage i was stuck in for 2 1/2 years. The narc wont calm down til u blow up
Glad you wasted no more time than that, Chad! Hope there weren't kids.
@@angelafalsetta4309 thankfully no kids of my own with her, but my heart goes out to my 3 ex-step kids because they have terrible mother.
An easy way to tell is give it time once you leave. Do you only react this way when people are abusive? There’s your answer. I jumped from one fire(divorcing abusive ex) into another fire(extremely toxic parents) . It’s continuous gaslighting, denial and emotional abuse, but through the healing I’ve been able to see it for what it is and even if I react emotionally sometimes, I am able to calm down sooner. And if you’re still stuck in the abuse and have a hard time not reacting, One trick I learned is that as soon as the abuse starts I pull out my phone and tell them I am filming them(their biggest fear is to be found out), so I don’t even have to get worked up because they will calm down immediately or walk away.
Great Trick, and yes we must learn that you are lovable and worthy w/o having to be in a relationship trying to add value, you are allready valuable and allow yourself to be happy, the rest will follow, if possible get a Therapy to heal childhood issues, bc what you describing sound like codependent due to emotionaly or physicaly abusive parents .....Therapy really can help, it helped me a lot.
OMG this is GENIUS! I wish I had had a way to use this tactic during my childhood with my covert narc mom. Could've been a game-changer...
This is good advice you're giving. I agree with: Do you only act this way when you are abused? That is key!
My step dad has used this form of abuse on me and my mother for years and still uses it to this day. I’ve laid awake at night crying because I let him turn me into something I’m not
**hugs** ❤️
I needed this now. I got pulled down by my f. The mere presence can make us puke. Thanks. I know exactly what you mean. I am no narc. They always want the upper hand. Crazy making Yes!!!!. Great analytics. We get irritated. I stayed out of my f's way. My eldest brother's...
If you could watch from sidelines, as a fly on the wall, then you'd see it - that small smile of satisfaction once the attack works as planned. Desired reaction well-provoked and LOOK, now see how crazy you are? And everyone come LOOK at this crazy person (that I intentionally provoked), and by the way everyone, make sure you also DO notice how very sweet and charming I am. That is exactly how it works.
Hard to see when in the middle of that sh*tstorm, yet over time the pattern becomes obvious. And once one does stop reacting, the attacks may very well escalate, likely will begin attacking in new ways to get that reaction, to get person to lose their cool. Important to know & expect this, to be prepared for even worse attacks. This stage can actually be dangerous, as physical abuse may occur when verbal attacks get ignored.
Remaining calm and aloof is SO hard, yet crucial. Also keep phone handy, an escape plan just in case it gets physical, very well might. And sadly, if there are children involved, you can bet they'll be manipulated too, likely to some degree they were all along, but that volume may be turned UP a notch or 2 or 10 once you become immune to their attacks. Friends, family ... anyone they can convince will be turned into flying monkeys.
Glad you discussed 'reactive abuse' Michele. I've seen shadows of this discussion elsewhere, some fear that he or she 'made me a narcissist' when they look back on their own reaction. Nope, a narcissist will not feel emotions like regret or even have moments of self-introspection, will point at others to be at fault, never themselves. It was intentional crazymaking intended to provoke, not a reaction, very different. The other key behavior is that the narc will immediately calm down once you explode in anger, for to them that is a WIN. Anyone who suffered the nightmare of a narc reacted in fury at some point, in some way or maybe many ways. A quite normal reaction, one that may need work, but does NOT make you a narcissist.
100% NAILED IT!! And if it's a narc parent who provoked a furious reaction from you when you were a juvenile and had no ability to process the crazy making manipulative behavior of a parent that is SUPPOSED TO LOVE, SUPPORT AND PROTECT YOU........this narc parent will NEVER FORGET IT and will use it against you for as long as they live. And of course, the true victim's side of the story will never be told or heard since all the dupes swallow the narc's narrative from the get go.
you're only able to do this when you are in the healing state you go girl i got this
Omg I've been thru this so many times in all of my narc relationships.
They all mentally poked & prodded until eventually my long standing patience lost it. Then they were happy, laughing at me, making me feel even worse.
I didn't even know it until I just listened to you now.
Finally I'm out of my last narc relationship of 4 years. A narc relationship before that of 3 years & before that an 18 yrs marriage.
Why did I always choose a narcissist?
Why did it always take so long to get out of.
It's sad really, sometimes I feel that I've wasted my entire life being in these relationships & staying until the bitter end.
Hard lessons to learn.
Thanks so much for this enlightening video.
Don't blame yourself 😕😕 you didn't know. After healing yourself, you'll do better.
Narc parents set you up for failure in life and to be bait for more of these disgusting pseudo humans.
@@reesedaniel5835 never had my father there but my mother did
I ask myself the same question.. is it me? How do I keep ending up in these relationships. My parents were not narcissists. They were both there, very loving. How does this keep happening? Can someone please explain? I'm a very empathetic person. I've heard that narcs will attach themselves to empaths but how do you break the cycle? At this point, I might just stay single so that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Does anyone know of any good resources to help me with this? 😢
@@katerobbins7936 This is the reason why I am still single and don't plan on dating anymore. Not only were the relationships I was in like this, but my family, friends and even strangers I have never met when I tried to leave state and start a new life somewhere else, were also like this to me. I too do not understand how someone can break the cycle especially when people are so vague with how to go about it or they give you advice that you have already tried a thousand times over. Now I just don't want to be around anyone anymore. I think they attach themselves to empathetic people because empathetic people care about how other people feel and they know that they need that to feed off of in order to not feel as broken as they do. They have done this to me for so many years, I have basically given up on them and myself. I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't even feel bad for them when I used to. In a toxic society, you're bound to get sick. This is what they want.
How have none of my councilors ever brought this up!!! This is what I’ve been doing for y e a r s and I’ve never realized it. Nobody would ever believe me, everything was always my fault as if my reactions came out of nowhere with no reason. 😔 At least I’ve finally started to learn and calmed down for the most part. 🙏
YES!!! EXACTLY!!! And, to add to the crazy-making, neither my counselors OR my covert narc mom's counselor (whom I've always wondered if she might be having a 20+ year long affair with) have EVER seen this or brought this out as a possibility.......not even ONCE!! Counseling only ever seemed to gaslight me and help her become more skilled at hiding her abuse...
You cannot argue or disagree or discuss with a person who brings a machine gun to a discussion. Nothing in their arsenal is out of bounds. You cant win, you sadly cannot sway them and its always your fault and if they loose control, IT YOUR FAULT .... you did it not them. Classic projections.
David Weber - well said.
@@clairechloe5294 Thanks ... and learnt that the hard way. Thanks to Michele for all her stuff xx
they literally weaponise key components of a healthy relationship such as communication
I went to therapy after exploding at my (now ex)friend, I felt like I was seriously the problem because he told me I was crazy for the accusations I made, I was paranoid/obsessive/invasive and blamed it all on me, and I believed him. It wasn't until I talked to my therapist about it (when I was discussing ways to fix my anger/boundary issues) that I was the one being abused in the long run. I'm still working on fixing my anger issues and communicating in a better way no matter what, but learning about reactive abuse really helped me understand why I was feeling the way I did.
Sometimes reactive abuse can actually help get rid of the narcissist. It did for me. I flipped out this past after 15 years of narc abuse & got her to initially discard me. She tried to backtrack but I stuck to my guns and moved out.
Narcissists are dependent on your reaction. If someone is abusing you, a real person will stand up for themselves with facts and undeniable evidence. If these facts cause you injury, you are probably a narc
THIS. Presenting TRUTH in a polite manner, letting it be known that u mean for the outcome to be win-win.. Most normal ppl would actually appreciate that. If the person reacts like a demon being flicked with holy water then u have your answer.
Do you have a video on compulsive liar narcissists? Thank you. 💕
Kriste Andrea Tujague Every narcissist I’ve known lies. Some tell crazy stories that are so obviously mythical in nature. Others exaggerate, which is a form of lying, trying to make their story more interesting perhaps. Others have told lies to manipulate me into doing what they want. Others also participate in lies of omission. Double speak is another tactic they use. It’s all so crazy. Lying is definitely a narcissistic trait. I think of how much I’ve been lied to by narcissistic people in my life and it’s no wonder I developed anxiety and depression. I value honesty.
All narcs are compulsive liars.
Great video. This all happened ro me. The downside now, after 2.5 years apart, is that I am aggressive or touchy or whatever it's called. It's now natural to escalate or react or whatever. I now believe people are generally shitty and you can't trust anyone. Everyone is out for themselves.
i am really sorry you feel this way and for the abuse u obviously endured to make u feel so bitter, but i must agree to disagree with you though, because my own perception of reality is that majority of people are kind, its also the big media which wants people to be LIE ve that most are evil, bc if there is fear and mistrust then people are much easier to control and exploit by the high and mighty..... ;) please never loose solidarity and kindness towards each other, Folks, do not let any abusers seperate us and divide us. Much Love + Together we are strong. And stay in Peace with anyone as far as you are concerned, of course that does not mean being a Doormat, it also is very empowering to learn Martial Arts or such in order to be able to defend ones Life and also it helps against being too fearfull.
Its called Narcissitic Abuse Victim Syndrome, or at the very worse C-PTSD. You are in a constant state of hypervigilence and fight or flight, almost like emotional flashbacks that are running almost all the time. Google those 2 terms and I am sure you can find some additional answers to what you are experiencing and healing for it. Best wishes.
It's PTSD and Hypervigilance. You have to work through it and it can take many years.
Thank you Mrs. Michele. God bless you. You are amazing and you have opened my eyes up to alot thank you,You are like my inspiration,role model. Thank you for showing me I can still be me no matter what toxic people try to project and Thank you. You are a bright light,your videos have given me hope and changed my life and one day I will fully get back to myself. You are God sent. You are also a bright light. It is like God is using you as a vessel to open people's eyes up about narcissism. I'm proud of you,you have come along way and keep it up Mrs. Michele. I admire you. Narcissism is a pain but thank God pain may be in the night but joy comes in the morning. I felt like this was the answer to my question I asked you earlier. I want to say thank you. You are amazing. By the way I like your make up and how your skin glow. God bless you and you be blessed and have an amazing day Mrs. Michelle.
Thank you for empowering me. Although my situation is a bit more complicated because I feel like I did abuse my husband in the beginning of our relationship due to being in a really previously abusive relationship and not wanting to get hurt again by a man. Then when I finally started to realize this, I had already done damage and now I feel as if me calling him dumbass and stupid in the past has allowed him to justify his behavior now. Which I understand, and that's why I think I put up with all the absolutely masterfully horrible things he says to me now. He gets so creative, definitely has done more than gotten revenge but I don't think it's ever going to be enough for him. It feels like I'm constantly being punished for my past behaviors. Then when I stop drinking and smoking, one small confrontation makes me super depressed because of my BPD, and I just want to drink and smoke it away. Then I hate myself, blame myself, hurt myself, and this vicious cycle feels like it will never end. I want to be ok with being me again, because you're right, I have the right to be me even if he reacts poorly to it.
Sounds very similar to my last relationship... Stay strong. You are a good person.
I m crying..thank you so much.. I'm trying to be me again
I'm so glad you brought this up. I lost my temper once and yelled. Afterward I felt like there was an evil presents in the room. I felt so very bad. I didn't say mean things I just yelled NO No MORE! I won't hear it any more! But the anger I felt and projected made me feel worse than the person I was yelling at. It also made me question myself and who I am. I realized that didn't work, it actually made me feel worse than hearing their accusations. Of course after that my mother went around telling everyone I was violent. I'm forever in a lose lose lose situation.
It's been 1yr 1/2 since I kicked him out. God, you, assc direct and others mean the world to me😍 I was with him for 5 years and the last few months were the hardest times in my life. I already had lupus when I met the VAMPIRE, but my health became very bad. I had 2 strokes,4 blood clots,1 in my brain, and wasn't (as I heard them say in surgery) suppose to live, I did. And then I wasn't suppose to ever function again. I can walk,talk,drive and almost everything perfect again. I AM HAPPY AGAIN BECAUSE I HAVE MY LIFE BACK ........YAAAAAY LIFE 😄
Thanks for the advice. Truly realizing who I was before the abuse, and am becoming that person again now that they are out of my life.
I’ spent 23 years with a Covert Narcissist. I’m too broken to ever have a new relationship.
I was literally raised by a covert narc mom and didnt go No-Contact till 26 yrs old.
WE ARE NOT THE BROKEN PEOPLE - THEY ARE.
Just remember that, okay? ❤🙏
I hope you are better now!
My husband emotionally abuses me until I snap and hit him but then I'm the abuser..I'm so ready to file for divorce..
When I first met my ex, 6 months after my previous ex cheated on me, I was a very chilled out person...I was enjoying meeting new people, living my life but also had to deal with selling my house from a previous relationship - which involved kids. As I said I was very chilled and laid back, It was one of the main reasons she was attracted to me. As soon as we met up with eachother for the 3r time, she suddenly made me feel like something was wrong, then accuse me of being something wrong... When I told her there wasn't anything wrong, she went into to describe what was wrong with me.... She described this by saying I greeted her at the door differently lol
I was like what? I don't even understand... But I ignored it and carried on like all was good.
4 weeks later, she asked why do I still have photos in my house with me, my kids and their mother? I said it wasn't for my benefit, it was to normalise the breakup for my kids without them realising anything was wrong... That wasn't good enough and demand they be gone the next time she came back.
Next came why do I still have family pix with my previous ex on my phone? I must still care about her? I explained it's because I haven't got a hard drive to back everything up and that they aren't just my memories, but my children's also. I asked her, do you have pix of your previous relationships? She tells me no, ex's are ex's for a reason.
Then came the issue of me giving all my attention to my kids when I had them and not her - which I did, as I always kept her involved.
She then told me what she believes is the foundation of a good successful relationship ( honesty, openness, transparency, consistency, trust, affectionate etc) I was all for that because I knew where I stood and I thought she had values she respects and sticks by.
As time went on I made sure I maintained all the requirements for this good relationship... But I'd notice she wasn't fulfilling her own relationship requirements - she became distant at times, she was protective of her phone, evasive and defensive if I asked why she so protective of her phone when I'm so open with mine?
She made me feel like she wasn't being 100 with me... So the more I tried to live up to her standards, the more she wasn't and distant herself.
She even admitted she hasn't been fully open with me and will improve...
As time went on I discovered pictures she claimed she didn't own, she still had, I'd confront her about them and she would be like “oh I forgot I had them” I'm thinking yeah right. I told I had no issues apart from her telling me she didn't have any and requested I removed mine.
As time went on she became aggressive verbally, claiming I'm mentally ill, I need help for things that I got suspicions about which turned out to be true... So I'd ask how can I be mental for being suspicious of your actions which turn out to be correct? If I were wrong fair enough but I wasn't...
Then came the threats of breaking up over the most trivial things to the point I wouldn't go to her with any concerns... Yet when I had something on my mind, she would also have a go for not going to her... I told her if I keep what's on my mind, I'm in the wrong because you feel I should be able to come to you for anything... If I come to you about something on my mind, you kick off and threaten breakups?
Our relationship became me walking on eggshells. She would accuse me of watching her whilst out... I be like, no I wasn't and if I was, I'm not aware I'm doing that... Besides how would you know I'm watching you unless you're watching me? I had friends tell me she couldn't keep her eyes off me when at the gym. Once aware that I maybe watching her, I made an effort to do my own thing whilst out...even that wasn't good enough as she would have a go at me for not being around her...
If I was casually talking to her cousin at her party, she would come from the dance floor right between us and ask what I'm doing...
Her work colleagues would chat to me, by me being polite and respectful, I get accused of being like that when I'm out without her with other women... But then I would be accused of having a mental problem....
I was dammed if I do dammed if I don't...yet I put up with it, bent over backwards because I loved her...
Now after three years together, engaged to be married next year, posted publicly on her Facebook about me being the best partner she could ever hoped for, soulmate, supported her through tough times we broke up because I expressed my concerns that she could easily walk away from our relationship no matter the level of commitment which made me feel her feelings weren't genuine and based on present time and not as a whole... She kicked off, broke up with me, wanted me to move out, removed all our memories from Facebook, changed her status to single, unfriended me, blocked me on whatsapp....
I asked if there is someone else but she denied it as anyone would giving the level of commitment we made...but I suspect there is another person?
I now realise no matter what I did for this person, I will never be enough
perfectlty timed and much appreciated. I would not give them the emotional attention they wanted so they triggered me intentionally. I cut them off . Thankyou for posting this xx
I love your advice! It's great!
Could you alternate the pronouns a bit more? As a man, I always feel like I'm not being felt because most times online pages default to narcissist being solely male and I'm concerned that the men aren't being felt. I'm a man.
Thank you for your input. It's much appreciated
Watch out for the trip wires - they all set to trip you. If you do trip while getting hold of this new habit of Observing and not Absorbing- forgive yourself and start again- it does gets “easier “ as you practice it. But its easier said than done- I KNOW 🙏
Help please
I'm ready for God to sucker punch these vipers and throw them into the lake of fire.
Sometimes I would just sit and watch him sulking and not talking to me unless to say something in a nasty way like “ do I look that good to you?” Once he didn’t talk to me for days. I was amazed how childish this 55 year old man could act. Usually I didn’t even know why he was upset.
This is exactly what happened to me and need guidance. I realized all this to late
We almost always do. I didn't figure it out until I was 49 (that I had a Covert "saintly" Narc Mother).
Michele is just the kind of woman most of us guys just dream of. She just oozes integrity. This - fellahs - is what a *real* lady looks like, and the only kind we should be seeking. Anything other than a Michele just isn’t worth it.
I feel like I've been through 8 months of boot camp with my husband. I could make a bland comment or give a neutral opinion and he takes the opposite view and then starts yelling and shaming me. I just go grey rock and agree with him. Last summer while he was cheating on me with a narcissist he would point his iPhone at me whenever I reacted so I had to smile, that went on for 4 days. On the fifth day he did something disturbing to trigger me and I asked him to stop but he wouldn't so I reacted badly, then he started chasing me and I was scared and screaming from fear so I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife to protect myself and was screaming / so he pulled out the iPhone and filmed me with a knife screaming and crying. He called 911 and off to jail I went. I actually felt free in jail / 1 day of no drama...I went to court a couple of times and the last time I told my attourney what really happened and he brought that up during my hearing. All charges were dropped but the Judge wants to see my husband and she did say he needs to go to prison. He thinks he's going to court to say all is fine to free me from further court cases. I haven't told him the comment the Judge made. I've learned to be totally silent and make neutral, bland comments when needed and I've noticed how he reacts so I just observe him and stay silent. I have no one to talk to so it can get depressing sometimes but I'm a musician so the music keeps me sane. Seperate bedrooms frees me up at night and I get to read. There is some joy in my life. I have Jesus and pray a lot and get into the word. Praise God!!!
:( stay strong
Oh honey... *Hugs*
@@katerobbins7936 Thank you for the comforting words.
@6:43...auw, I see her eyes. Thank you for making me feel ...not so alone. I used to feel such shame for my behavior but I look at myself as if I was my friend and I feel compassion for my younger self.
After 3 months of learning about Narcissistic abuse, this part was still something that I didn't understand. I just got the closure that I needed. Thank you very much for this video really 🤍
You are so right on. thank you for this video
Narcissist will deliberately do this to try and destroy you.
Or use it to escalate and justify the escalation. Destruction is definitely part of the motivation.I’m motivated to no reaction at all .
I’m really glad you made this video. I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse from family, friends, and partners. But as I was studying narcissists, I started questioning whether I behave in this manner. There are some self centered and narcissistic things that I have done and regret but I think that those feelings of regret and embarrassment are confirmation that this isn’t who I am. I take responsibility for my actions but realize that they were a result of the abuse that I was subjected to. Its definitely possible for a victim to become the abuser if we aren’t mindful of our actions. Even if you were the narcissist in a situation, the only thing that matters now is that you want to get better and break the cycle.
So true! I’m working hard to begin setting boundaries and it comes back to me as accusations of me being a selfish, narcissistic person! I catch myself buying into it, too! Very helpful video! The examples are awesomely pertinent!
Spot on
This describes the horribly abusive relationship I had with my narcissistic ex husband. He would and still provokes and bullies and of course I was set up to take the bait and react. He would even record my reactions without me knowing to use against me and play it back to his family and coworkers
My covert narc mother tried to covertly poison me when I was 3. Giving me MERCURY on a dish to "play with" (from a broken thermometer). At age 5 I remember her provoking me at her mothers house (probably also a narc) and getting me so angry I threw a tantrum and then got out the video camera (it was in the 60s) to GLEEFULLY film me throwing the tantrum that SHE PROVOKED. She turned almost everyone in my life against me, on both sides of my family including my father and sibling.
So grateful to have this knowledge! Thank you!
I question if I am all the time... it’s coz the narcissist in my life is manipulating my words and actions. Boundaries do help.
MICHELE YOU HAVE HELPED ME ALOT WITH THIS ONE!!! I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT!! I'M A GOOD GUY AND PRAY SOMEDAY I CAN FIND A GOOD WOMEN!! I HOPE YOUR WITH A GREAT GUY NOW THAT DESERVES YOU!! YOUR SO BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT FROM WHAT I CAN TELL!!! GOD BLESS YOU
You'll find somebody, Dave. Just keep healing and praying 🙏😊