When they see you start to react to something ,look for the glint in their eyes. They just love to upset you and make a fool of you just for their own fun... so toxic!
I have not seen this trait..in 20 years time..but it makes sense. I have recorded the need to sabotage...though.I felt sorry for my ex since she NEVER got good food in a restaurant. It was always bad food or poor service or the wrong food or misunderstanding of the menu which was always the waiters or mine fault. Or she was not hungry which she found out after entering the restaurant. Or just a headache and being tired..which she also found out after asking us to go into the restaurant. So many a night out..was a bad experience...I just now realized she did it on purpose...
And to be honest that’s how I knew that the act itself which can be the most rudest thing you could think someone could do to you, in front of people etc, was intentional. :(
so true!!! i dont even think of my narc mom as a "mother" anymore since she never was....it has given me peace finally. she cant love and i have to accept that
Uh, perhaps, but depending on one's distinct situation. It will never end, yet being positive consistently can lessen the effects. I suppose the video represents inter-personal relationships. I been around Gov. Military, nothing special but have a basic understanding of Stockholm Syndrome which brought me here and Well Done Presentation.
I dont know, I keep not caring and it just seems he keeps digging and digging searching for a reaction. It is getting scary wondering how many new ways he can find to hurt me before I can get out.
Exactly. They desire to keep us stuck in a never-ending loop of chaos and abuse. Once you tell them you're done playing, they are forced into seeking attention elsewhere.
It's almost sounds too simple and even crazy, doesn't it, for some of us? But at some point that's all it takes! Even if it means taking the so-called L and not fighting back one last time they're trying to provoke you
The thing about it that was so terrible is that it was in front of our young children. I've known about narcissism for 5 years (now 72 years old)and children still have not gotten over it
I totally relate to this . They deliberately provoke you to react and wind you up until you act in ways you wouldn't normally and force you to step out of your integrity and then they call you abusive They are pure evil. You become someone you aren't.
It’s not safe to drink alcohol around narcissists! 🥂 Narcissists are going to PUSH👊🏽 & gaslight 🔥when the target is most vulnerable. Alcohol makes you vulnerable! 😲
I used to quit the alcohol. Now I just quit the narcissists instead. Funny how I don't really have any outbursts to anyone anymore without them around. I guess I was the "problem," huh?
After a bad lesson I learnt when someone took advantage of me while I was drunk, for the longest period of time I haven't had alcohol. Even stayed shut down, not able to communicate, for a long time. I guess I am still in that zone. I don't know how much time it will take. I am scared. Heard about a lot of mishaps from people where alcohol was involved, I guess, don't have alcohol with just any random person. Be absolutely sure of a person, only then have alcohol with them.
One person at church keeps jabbing at me in these belittling ways. They are always reassuring themselves, at your expense, that they are superior in some way.
This happened to me often. Examples: “What else do you have going on? You only work 40 hours a week!” “Pay attention to ME instead of checking your STUPID work emails!” She tried to obliterate my self worth.
I live with this every single day...eventually you just shut down and go into another world just to try to salvage what's left of your sanity. It's like he cannot live without drama...
I'm in recovery, of taking my life back, navigating and learning. Self responsibility. Controlling my emotions, reactions, thoughts that are hyper vigilant or over reactive. Focused on staying optimistic and hopeful. Challenging. Thank you for your time, dedication, effort you put into helping others.
This was something my wife did to me regularly, for the first few years of marriage. I would get worked up and do / react in a way that was just childish (Even thinking now about it I shake my head at my behaviour). They know you are getting worked up and do not back off. Still, after I opened up and talked to people (being honest in my response and taking accountability for my actions) I learned a lot about myself and started to analysis why I got worked up, etc. Helped me to deal with a lot of things from childhood. Now, I just laugh at them when they do this. The other point was, they can then use shame on you (because you react badly) they can use that to exert more control over you. So, don't fall for the trap. A person who respects you does not wind you up for an emotional explosion.
Mine did that exact same trick. Wait till you had a few then strike. They love the audience that the fellow bar attendees provide and they get to play the victim. Even acting magnanimous to other patrons saying, "no it's okay, this happens all the time." The other patrons never hear their quiet insults and gas lighting. Just the explosion. Rule: Don't drink around them. Keep your wits.
Shandi Abbs I think the OP meant run away from the narc family. But I'd consider Craig Malkin's notion of a 'Connection Contract' first (will not always work).
I know this exact feeling. If my ex and I were the last 2 people on this planet and I had an idea where she was I would run as far in the other direction as I could...and keep going. If I never saw her again that would be too soon. Unfortunately I have a child with her and even though we rarely speak it’s still too much.
Me 2! For many, many bad reasons that also spilled on to my own kids. That's when I cut it all, realized I should have done this a loooong time ago but now I look back and relieved I'm OUT. I am isolated but it's okay. I will keep paying this price in exchange for my sanity AND my kids
@@sugarbum99 oh my I feel that we as survivors pay a massive price to be free from them, I would rather be penniless with my arse scrapping the ground than ever see the monster again
exactly. and also if they can't get you in one area- like jealousy- then they will try making you angry- or they will try to sexually compromise you. It is really evil.
Depending on what entities are involved. They can off you anywhere they please. But you demonstrate understanding but never ever underestimate their reach and control.
I think that sometimes your nervous system is so shot out from all the abuse, that you can’t not react. It’s impossible to be rational in those times. Also, what do you do when you are being controlled, manipulated, and blackmailed because the Narc is video recording the reactive abuse he’s putting you through and threatening you with it?
The first time, I threw the humiliation back at him. Told him all the things I gave him and did for him. The second time I called my mom and went to the ER. My mom brought up a past fight and almost didn’t let me go into the ER. That’s how I knew she was a narcissist too. I almost left him but I’m borrowing my mom’s car and she wouldn’t let me take it. So I just went to a hotel. If he ever does it again, then I am just going to call 911 but I don’t think he will because that was almost a year ago. He deleted both videos. At least I believe so. I informed my brothers and their families, but they didn’t do anything about it. In fact, they made me feel like it was my fault.
@@annaburns2865 I'm a scapegoat too, and these so-called siblings love to GANG-UP with parents on people like us. I gave up on my brothers and sister and vice versa. In fact, they can take credit for doing the disowning since I wasn't going to be tolerated standing up for myself to my narc sister or narc parents. The upside of the story? At least I don't have to put up in any way shape or form with frenemies within the family anymore (that I never knew were even there until that moment)
One thing that really helps me is reminding myself that I was the one who ended the abuse cycle. My ex narc tried to keep it going. The article "the myth of mutual abuse" by Jessica R. On the national domestic violence hotline website also explains, "But “mutual abuse” doesn’t exist. Abuse is about an imbalance of power and control. In an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there may be unhealthy behaviors from both/all partners, but in an abusive relationship one person tends to have more control than the other." I believe this applies to all forms of abuse.
I agree with you. In my humble opinion the worst coupling is Narc and Co Dependant. Both have severe abandonment issues, these trigger each other to explosive and worse end in death either murder or suicide. Its a mentality formed from childhood that involved abuse. The truth is there is no cure for Narcissism or most of the other borderline disorders, hence so many life coaches now assisting (and doing a great job I must say) with self healing. As you cannot change a Narc you can focus on how you ended up with one !!
I showed my husband this. After mocking me in the middle I told him either he watched it or our marriage was over. He stood there with his arms crossed and at the end smirked because I finally had proof of what he had been doing was real abuse and he says while smirking “I guess I’ll just have to think a little more before I speak.” They won’t change they will only become more covert!! At least I had just watched the video so I didn’t react. This was very helpful you’re right I can only help myself. And I do hope things get better because of it!
Dog whistling! I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and knowing about dog whistling is going to be helpful. Being able to identify it in others, whether overt or covert, will allow me to overcome the urge to have an intense outburst. I'm so happy I happened upon your channel today. Already, I've been able to go back and reprogram flashbacks and self-talk. Thank you.
Thank you so much! But why do they want to drive others crazy? and make us abandon our integrity and loose control? They fool many into thinking that the victim is the crazy evil one. But I know others do notice the abuse, they just stay silent.
They get a thrill out of controlling you like a puppet. It satisfies a sadistic need to lift themselves up by putting you down along with the power of controlling you.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 No but those who see it and know they are flying monkeys WHY are they helping anyway? Those who has seen that its smear and reaktive abuse
@@ihatestalkersbm9486 Flying monkeys are one of two things: 1) Either they don't understand narcissism, are naive, possibly conditioned from childhood, or they can't think for themselves. 2) They are narcissists themselves who serve a greater narcissist in order to get their narcissistic needs met. Either way, stay away from them.
I was with the last narc for 7 months. He was a covert. During the relationship I never yelled, never said anything bad, never threw anything. I did my best to be supportive and loving. The last day of our relationship when I thought he may be cheating I lost it. I yelled, said horrible things and broke stuff. I am a loving, kind empath and I feel guilt for what happened. Normally when issues happened I just left the room if he was angry or invalidating and returned whn calm. If he was angry I just looked uncomfortable and left the house. I tried so hard to contain myself and work on the relationship. Therapy, self care, everything. Until that last day. Its 3 months NC but this remains with me.
I had empathy for myself in this situation. I just told myself what I would tell some one else in this situation. That I was provoked. I was worn down from narc abuse. I felt trapped and powerless. But I didn't know better so when I realised my part in it all I worked to change it and took responsibility. If u stay in the situation and just keep abusing each other that's when u would start feeling not so good about yourself. Thanks again Meredith! The course sounds great 💐
I've been there with an ex. Two actually. One did exactly the same thing poking and poking with insults, triangulation, pathological lies, crazy making and gaslighting in public/private, constant belittling and threats, etc. The other would aaaalllmost hit/kick/grab almost get physical like raise his hand, or shove me just lightly repeatedly until I would defend myself by hitting/screaming/throwing/grabbing back. Then he would act appalled and tell me I was violent. Never NEVER before OR since have I been a fighter, or shown physical aggression no matter how angry I am. Ever. It was only with those two. I'm married and have two kids, and have never been physically aggressive with them. But with those two, I would do all sorts of crazy things... Throw stuff, scream unintelligibly, bang my head while he stood in my face criticising something ridiculous, drive like a crazy, all kinds of things. It happens to even the calmest person.
One thing that really helps me when learning a bit more on the goings on inside the narc's mind is that it doesnt seem personal, it seems like they're going by protocol? That thought kinda makes it easier because one thought that has haunted and i feel caused what feels like irreparable damage to me in the past are the thoughts "What did I ever do to him except be nice?" or "It's my fault it didnt go well, I did something wrong".. which were eating away at my insides for a couple of years after. I was never the same again. How I wish there was somebody to tell me "it's not you, it's him" back then. Thank you for the video.
I just experienced this yesterday with my husband. Thank you for the post. 12 years he has ruined fun nights out but he says its me. I have to leave to keep my sanity. I'm tired of waiting for a change in him that will never happen.😢
Dog whistle politics. 1000 thank yous for explaining this tactic. It was my toxic FOOs favorite tactic to use in the presence of friends and family at gatherings to shame and embarrass me. They did it at every gathering and I became extremely dissociated from my body as a result because I knew not to react but had no coping mechanism other then to freeze up and leave my body. I never had a term for individually directed public shame until you explained the dog whistle where only one person the target can hear it. Wow....thank you so much!!!
I said, "What did I overhear you saying? Why don't you say that a little louder??" to my cowardly ex-brothers. Those cowards shrunk back into the hermit crab shells. (I'm no better than you, it's just that the sibling scapegoat abuse did not come out of the closet until just about that point by a few years later than that). NOTHING WRONG WITH FREEZING OR SUPPOSEDLY "RUNNING AWAY"! Indeed you were getting a cowardly surprise ambush, and you wanted to be your best self, and you DID what you have to do with that moment! Good job!
i survived so many of this trap, the result I feel traumatised lost my confident, depressed, etc. best is to stay away from the source, it would be the best investment u do to ur life
Easier said than done when it's a member of your family doing it. When there are grandchildren involved who will ultimately suffer as the result of walking away from the family.
It is one thing to learn the quirks and behaviors of the narcissist but everyone needs to learn why we were with them in the first place. Your whole world will open up when you do! Great video!
The most important thing to do in this situation is to not snap. Stay calm and remain in control of your own behavior.you can never be in the wrong when you are doing right.
When he was ranting and raving, I became more numb to it, and it really pissed him off because I wouldn't respond to his accusations! It pissed him off that I was "blank".
What I wish I did differently is not to give away my integrity - not to ask him or plead with him or scream at him to respect my wishes or my boundaries. Now what I will do is to stop talking and just enforce my boundary. In my last scenario I did this by stopping all communication and going no contact.
No contact is the best way actually. Forgive yourself for not recognizing this persons real character earlier and move on. The only way to deal with these people. Amen
Coping with the triggers is the worst. Controlling yourself is the hardest thing to do. Good explanations of there activities. I had it happen at work today there are three of them out of 5 in the room. I was triggered somewhat but other times held it together.
Easiest way to do that is to just say fuck it, fuck it in the ass with a big rubber dick, to everything they are doing, ie. From this moment forward i decree there are no more triggers.
I realize that most likely every relationship I have been in has been with a narc in one form or the other. My reactions to their crap has not been good. Yes is was my lack of self control. Of course at the time had no idea what was going on.
Ive been there... Only control we have is of our own self... And yes 100% you can learn all there is to learn about NPD, and fully get it bit youll never be able to wrap your head around how a human being(?) can constantly and consistantly do such cruel and disturbing things to some one who (at one point anyway), did nothing but love them and you showed it, you didnt just spew empty words. Its heart wrenching! Focus on you and your needs, desires, and dreams. Before you end up handing them to a narc.
this is why I divorced my exhusband, and disconnected to my mom narcissist I was so fed with me blowing it on responding to them I had to learn healthy boundaries so I don't fall into these traps
So true. At one point I didn't recognise myself I began to wonder if I was the narcissist cos I was responding the same as him. I got really scared and wondering who/what I was becoming. I didn't like me at all. I then binged videos and knew I had to change me & how I responded to provacation. I learnt how to go "grey rock" which really helped me to regain control of myself. The mistake then became the lesson and began the process of me healing and becoming healthy. I changed me completely. Now I like myself. Eventually I left and been gone for a year now. Thanks for your wisdom it really helped me on the long journey out of the dark and into the light. Thank you so much. Sending you a big hug back.
Oh My God you have just confirmed what I was suspecting ! I'm so grateful for your videos! For a while I was blaming myself thinking maybe I am the one who is a narcissist. I felt guilty for my behavior towards someone and now I clearly see that I was provoked for years. At times I didn't even recognize myself anymore I've become "the crazy one". Thank you for you help , videos, support, information! I wish I saw this video earlier.
Great video Meredith. We have all been there, and where I always find compassion and forgiveness for myself and others is in Maya Angelou's words "When you know better you do better." And remember the beauty in the fact that the minute you learn from your mistakes they suddenly transform into meaningful lessons rather than shameful and painful (sometimes giant and very public) errors. Thanks again. Blessed Be.
In the past I noticed a certain person pushing my emotional buttons and I was chronically like a bull charging a red cape, exactly like the dog whistle you describe.
Oh, yes. The ex used this tactic against me constantly. Even used it in court to get custody. Shameless. Such a double bind and they rub it in your face claiming that they “maintained their integrity”
I quit drinking and going out to bars with mine. The gaslighting and games with drinks added made me doubt myself even more due to the alcohol. I really began to open my eyes then without any alcohol in my system. However it's sad that you can't enjoy an evening out and have a drink or two because they always ruin it.
Halfway through the vid, i'm like OMG Why didn't i know this earlier??! So that's what its called. "Dog whistling". I can't wait to meditate quietly in my room at night, re-writing my memories with the ways you've just shared. Before knowing such narcs existed, I believe I was a happy go lucky person who lived with no regrets. I have since been on a long self healing journey. The idea of transmuting is new to me and gives me more hope to work with. Thank you so much Meredith! May God bless you!
Well this comment might seem superficial to those of us who are truly traumatized- but, not wanting to be re-traumatized- I'm watching dramas instead on UA-cam, and analyzing the personality syndromes from behind a safe place. It's a better learning tool than real life.
I'm grateful for the lessons that narcissistic abuse has taught me. I won't allow myself to move from my own integrity and ethical standards. I will no longer allow these sick people to control my reality. After a life time (47 years) of dealing with these sick people I choose to take care of myself and my integrity by not reacting to their insanity. I will respond with integrity and remove myself from these people. Thank you for your insightful, inspiring and helpful videos. 💕
I understand that it is healthy to be angry but in the long term it might be more constructive to understand the narc's open wound so that you could get rid of your anger and move on... Also the key is to know yourself and why you got interested in a person with such big issues in the first place.
This is powerful. In the 20 years I was married to my abuser he would gaslight me over and over. I'm not proud of reactions including breaking doors and raging. Once I stopped reacting he upped the emotional abuse by neglecting me and when I stand strong he walked out the door. I needed to hear this because I'm responsible my reactions and if someone is provoking me to act outside my integrity then it's a huge red flag!!!Thank you
I’m going through this right now .. I’m becoming someone I do not like .. it’s literally insanity ... swearing cursing yelling when I just can’t take anymore and even tho I know exactly what he is doing I sometimes just lose it. I feel like this persons breaking my soul. But I realize it’s my responsibility to chose how to respond. This is one of the hardest things I’ve been through and this person is my boss.. just me and him tho and it’s a home based business. It’s mind blowing to me that people are like this and can be so emotionally abusive but then I react and feel just as low or lower.
I don’t know how I found you... this is exactly the direction I needed to survive this nightmare! Thank you!!!! Your insight is my saving grace. Thank you! 💪🙏❤️
He used to take me out, be supremely charming, then suddenly he was cross with me, and I was bewildered why. It HAD to be me. He said it was me, I had annoyed/irritated/provoked him... but I had no idea HOW. I feel stupid now, because for some reason I forgot that nobody else found my very presence so annoying. I loved him, worshipped him, adored him, gave him my life, and this is what the bastard narc did. And he enjoyed it. He would reduce me to weeping then sit and smirk at me.
That is exactly right when you are questioning your own behavior because it's out of character.Hindsight,it does make sense that looming feeling you had or have with these people in the beginning or all through the relationship, tells you they do not care one bit and are complete troublemakers. It confirms relationship was doom from the beginning
Another incredibly insightful and helpful video. Reactive abuse is the trap that I fall into every time and always regret it and always feel bad afterwards. I really need to work on this. Thank you so much for your help and insight Meredith .
Thank you especially for the reminder to turn the unpleasant experience into a lesson for myself to help guide my own future behavior. (At around 10 mins into video) My thought: Don't beat yourself up forever. You can't buy the reaction you wanted with a pocket full of your own shame and guilt. It just doesn't have much value. The valuable thing is to change your behavior.
It's usually with my experiences my reactive response is at the tail end. I remain in my character and integrity all through the relationship, these characters are very patient in setting their abusive trap and it can take years
Dear Meredith I have to say that out of every video I have seen and I must have seen thousands over the past 6/7 years this single video is the most amazing and gave me the most clarity about how the narcs have been crushing the real me so utterly and subtly ! Many of the vids have seen have been so, so helpful because the disorder is so incredibly complicated. It takes so long to learn about every trick and tactic that toxic personalities use against you to control you, hijack you and ultimately destroy you for their own pleasure, sense of self worth, amusement and dissipation of their ferocious internal rage and hatred. It's probably true that if I had not learned from all the other vids what understanding I have gained I might not have been ready to understand the information you are giving here, but this vid is just amazing ! I suddenly saw how they DELIBERATELY trick you into behaving like them when your internal integrity is completely opposite to them, but they bring you down to their level of behaviour by attacking you with lies and abuse and then immediately focusing the attention on your reaction and not on their attack. When you react to the attack with pain and rage and confusion ( this is a person who claims to love you most dearly) they point to your reaction to tell you more lies about yourself. Then walk away looking like the person in receipt of abuse ! Many, many thanks for all your amazingly eye opening vids !!!!!! 😃
Exactly how I reacted to abuse, by constant provocation, ridicule, engaging others to do his job of unkindness and mockery. He fed on abusing me., it was a nightmare of pain andhell.
Thank you for having your channel.❤️👍 I am getting out of an abusive relationship. Just realizing that he is a narcissist and possibly a psycho as well. Listening to you explaining and validation my experiences and giving it names i.e. Dog whistle helps me right now to heal by understanding. Bless you.🙏
I could relate to this because my narc also invited me out of my integrity. I am s Godly woman with Godly morals but he subtle ly pushed those boundaries. I finally went went no contact and HV asked him to leave me alone.
Also think of the moments where you didn't give in, where you could resist the malignant manipulation tactics and remained true to yourself, being connectec with your self: YOU ARE COMPETENT to (re)build a strong self esteem!
Thank you very much for these tips, I am dealing these past months with two narcissist. One is my former best friend and her boyfriend. With you tips it is like a weapon for me, they fear me now and I feel powerful at this stage. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I feel like you're speaking right to me about this. My mother and my sister both are borderline personality disorder sufferers. I don't know how or why it missed me, but I am glad. I understand that they're mentally ill, and that's why I say sufferer, because I know in a lot of ways life is incredibly hard for them because they think so differently than "normal" and often times, due to their abusive interactions with people, become isolated. I'm 100% an empath, so I'm sure you can see how I waltz right back into the fray, with the whole "Oh, I can help you!" mindset. I'm working very diligently with an amazing counselor to change what I can change about myself and to create healthy boundaries. Your videos help me so much because it reminds me that it's not in my head. It reminds me to keep firm my boundaries and to love unconditionally my family but to maybe sometimes most of the times love them from afar since it's what is healthiest for ME. It's sad that people are that way, and what's worse is there's no hope for a recovery. Mom's better when she takes her meds, and her and I have VERY candid conversations where I say "I love you and I love myself too. When you're ready to adhere to your self-care program, I will be here." (Not quite like that but close) and then if she comes back and she's still in the throes of a "fit" as I've started to call it, I say the same and back off again. She tries so hard to keep that side of her under control and I can see it there, bubbling under the surface, but I try to talk to her as frankly and honestly as I can, keeping myself safe but addressing the issues and yet also letting her know I'm there. It's tough. Sorry this is so long. I obviously just went through a "fit" with her and had to put some distance there. /Sigh
The first question describes the very actions that took place in my relationship with the narc. I lost integrity and behaved so out of character. He deliberately set it all up to sabatage our relationship!. I have journals I go back and read and realized that his intentions were definitely not towards anything good for me. This was the worst relationship I have EVER!!!!! been in. The healing, forgiveness and rebuilding myself from this mess is unbelievable! Thank you for all of the work the you and others do to help us understand this disorder. Their kind will actually make you think you are certifiably crazy.
Hi Meredith...regrets over the "do over" only live in our heads in the past. I can now see that the best "do overs" are "will do over". Head up, looking forward with strength and conviction that I can do that different from here forward. Love your work. Peace.
Please keep making vids. I think every video you've made has addressed a cognitive distortion, and just kind of broken it for me so that there's clarity. Thank you.
Missed this major Red Flag. Completely understand the effect. Told ex-Narc he made me a worse person on my emotional reactions. This channel and others have helped SO MUCH in understanding what the heck was going on.Stay strong other survivors out there! Knowlegde & Truth ARE power!
Thanks. Great reframe from regret to lesson. I'd also add that if a person is dealing with cPTSD, that the limbic system can take over to the point where we genuinely lose control of higher brain function even long after we've gone no contact. This may be the root that you're referring to at the end. Trauma needs to be released to calm the limbic & engage the pre-frontal cortex. I'm looking forward to listening to your new body awareness video because there are some wonderful somatic approaches to healing of trauma.
I dissociated so much growing up from doing grey rock to a point where it actually turned into dissociation from the constant nervous system overwhelm. I'd love to hear more as well about this. Great video Meredith!
Thanks for the wonderful advice on reflecting positively and learning after we act out of character in response to the crazymaking. It’s easy, and can be traumatic to get into a cycle of self doubt and blame, which has to end with out perspective because there is rarely a chance for closure from the crazymaker.
DOG WHISTLING!!! That's it! That's the word I'm looking for. Thank you so much for this video Ma'am! I myself am a victim of abuse by my two older siblings. They consistently dog whistle me to provoke me in front of our parents... It may look or sound normal, but every words that come out of their mouths have a meaning which is against my will. Thank you. New subscriber here.
This is so spot-on! We, and only we, have control over our emotions and our feelings and our actions. No one can force us to act in any way. Thank you for this thought-provoking video, showing that we each can control only ourselves...
Over and over I leave one job and narcissistic co workers get others to poke at me then I start to react and they all gain up on me.then I end up becoming mentally sick in front of every one . It’s happening again .....the main person uses gas lighting,power of suggestion and manipulation....no one would ever ever guess it’s her !! They would say I was making it up and causing trouble......I am getting too old to leave another job , I sure am in awe how you know this stuff .!Im yelling at my computer screaming “ yeah that’s exactly what is happening to me . Even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you it’s so healing to know someone is on my side ..... I just can’t feel I’ll be in HR fighting lies and have to leave . I don’t know what to do Your a god send Thank you Crystal
Yes. So true. The dog whistling! Wow, makes so much sense...then we're the crazy one! When I have to be around him due to our children, I pretend he's a tree. I wouldn't hug it, kick it, kiss it, react, or talk to it. I'm not rude. I'm indifferent. We have to take the high road always. Sometimes it's so hard, but we have to do it for our own Mental Health. THANKS again for all your insight. You are awesome. In love and light
I am so happy that I came across your videos. They really got me through those rough days with him and now I'm finally free and it feels sooooooo good!!!!!!
Thank you, Meredith, for the good advice. One very simple method that I use to make decisions more in line with my true character is to say to myself: "Slow Down!". When provoked by a narcissist, we may feel an impulse to respond in kind, which we afterwards regret. Giving yourself a "time out" from having to act right now is useful in the middle of a stressful situation. During an argument with or being provoked by a narcissist, time is on our side because with time we tend to relax into our normal self and hence to make a better decision. (BTW: Unfortunately, I did not always follow my own advice in the past, which cost me since I, not a provoking narcissist, ended up looking guilty. So, this is an ongoing lesson for me too.)
I was the worst for reactive abuse in the past. I always wanted him to hurt more than me once he purposely started fights or attacked me. I threw paint all over the inside of his new car and broke the radio. Caught him cheating...took him back and caught him again and I spray-painted the girls name all.over his car and the word cheater. Plus breaking TV's...etc. Hated that everyone looked at me like the crazy person when I was the one being abused. I realized I was depressed because I knew I was a different terrible person because I LET him play and provoke me. I know now. Respond vs React! Thanks Meredith 😀🙏🏾💙😘👍🏾💪🏾
I remember one of the first times I went out in public with my ex narc. Wow did that turn into insanity. My narc completely ignored me. Literally acted like he did not hear a word I was saying. For hours. Until I couldn't take it anymore and I exploded! Of course I looked like the absolute crazy person to everyone because no one knew what he was doing to me. I didn't even try to explain anything. I just put that in the back of my mind and tried to keep going. After six more years of abuse I finally left for good. I finally figured out what they want. They want you to be completely isolated so you will have no one to talk to about the abuse.
When they see you start to react to something ,look for
the glint in their eyes. They just love to upset you and make a fool of you just for their own fun... so toxic!
Maggie May yup
I have not seen this trait..in 20 years time..but it makes sense. I have recorded the need to sabotage...though.I felt sorry for my ex since she NEVER got good food in a restaurant. It was always bad food or poor service or the wrong food or misunderstanding of the menu which was always the waiters or mine fault. Or she was not hungry which she found out after entering the restaurant. Or just a headache and being tired..which she also found out after asking us to go into the restaurant. So many a night out..was a bad experience...I just now realized she did it on purpose...
100%true !
That glint is scary isn't it
It's awful it really is,
They turn into the victim as soon as you react. It's so heartbreaking to be with a narcissist.
Facts
Accurate af
And to be honest that’s how I knew that the act itself which can be the most rudest thing you could think someone could do to you, in front of people etc, was intentional. :(
Hallmark trait of a manipulator
It's only because you care. When you stop caring-They can't make you angry anymore.
so true!!! i dont even think of my narc mom as a "mother" anymore since she never was....it has given me peace finally. she cant love and i have to accept that
+corsican lulu. Love to you lady, from someone else who was also miserably disappointed by their own mother. Don't let it infect your life!!
Uh, perhaps, but depending on one's distinct situation. It will never end, yet being positive consistently can lessen the effects. I suppose the video represents inter-personal relationships. I been around Gov. Military, nothing special but have a basic understanding of Stockholm Syndrome which brought me here and Well Done Presentation.
I dont know, I keep not caring and it just seems he keeps digging and digging searching for a reaction. It is getting scary wondering how many new ways he can find to hurt me before I can get out.
@Emma stop caring about the narc is good advice. care selectively.
What are the two worst words that a narcissist could ever hear?"Game Over."
Yes! It causes narcissistic injury and their mask falls off with this.
Brilliant!!
Exactly. They desire to keep us stuck in a never-ending loop of chaos and abuse. Once you tell them you're done playing, they are forced into seeking attention elsewhere.
Totally gonna make this my last text to my narc before I go NC
It's almost sounds too simple and even crazy, doesn't it, for some of us? But at some point that's all it takes! Even if it means taking the so-called L and not fighting back one last time they're trying to provoke you
I can so relate to this. I acted out in ways that were not a part of my character. My narc literally drove me to insanity.
And when you do that they love it.
Same
Yeah and then they say it's who you've always been. They throw it in your face and slander you about it.
The thing about it that was so terrible is that it was in front of our young children. I've known about narcissism for 5 years (now 72 years old)and children still have not gotten over it
I know the feeling.
I totally relate to this . They deliberately provoke you to react and wind you up until you act in ways you wouldn't normally and force you to step out of your integrity and then they call you abusive They are pure evil. You become someone you aren't.
They enjoy provoking you..!
It’s not safe to drink alcohol around narcissists! 🥂
Narcissists are going to PUSH👊🏽 & gaslight 🔥when the target is most vulnerable.
Alcohol makes you vulnerable! 😲
Horrible lesson learned.
Brilliant advice. There isnt a situation that alcohol cant make worse.
I used to quit the alcohol. Now I just quit the narcissists instead. Funny how I don't really have any outbursts to anyone anymore without them around. I guess I was the "problem," huh?
After a bad lesson I learnt when someone took advantage of me while I was drunk, for the longest period of time I haven't had alcohol. Even stayed shut down, not able to communicate, for a long time. I guess I am still in that zone. I don't know how much time it will take. I am scared.
Heard about a lot of mishaps from people where alcohol was involved, I guess, don't have alcohol with just any random person. Be absolutely sure of a person, only then have alcohol with them.
Thank you for this reminder!! 💜
The predatory narcissist loves to destroy the target/victim til they are so broken down and weak. Cat and mouse game....
I do not know what to do to help my child. Left comment above yours.
Cat and Mouse Game.......Murder and or Conspiracy to Commit Murder. This is Real World.
@@HighSpeedNoDrag yes it is. To cover up their crimes and frame you as the problem.
Malignant.
A big thing is when a man or woman tries to belittle your job in any way. Major sign.
One person at church keeps jabbing at me in these belittling ways. They are always reassuring themselves, at your expense, that they are superior in some way.
This happened to me often.
Examples:
“What else do you have going on? You only work 40 hours a week!”
“Pay attention to ME instead of checking your STUPID work emails!”
She tried to obliterate my self worth.
Yes! I I used to be a community support worker and he used to scream at me and say "your just a fucking cleaner, nothing more....you're a nobody"
My dad has started belittling my new job delivering mail because I’m not able to answer his calls when I’m working
I live with this every single day...eventually you just shut down and go into another world just to try to salvage what's left of your sanity. It's like he cannot live without drama...
Yes it's called "dissociating". Which is what victims of Satanic Ritual Abuse do. Narc abuse is a form of Satanic Ritual Abuse.
Reese Daniel agree!
Sweet Melissa -
I am just now reading this. Wish I would have seen it 11 months ago. Have you removed yourself from the situation? You need to.
@@reesedaniel5835 makes sense 😑
Are u still in Melissa
I'm in recovery, of taking my life back, navigating and learning. Self responsibility. Controlling my emotions, reactions, thoughts that are hyper vigilant or over reactive. Focused on staying optimistic and hopeful. Challenging. Thank you for your time, dedication, effort you put into helping others.
This was something my wife did to me regularly, for the first few years of marriage. I would get worked up and do / react in a way that was just childish (Even thinking now about it I shake my head at my behaviour). They know you are getting worked up and do not back off. Still, after I opened up and talked to people (being honest in my response and taking accountability for my actions) I learned a lot about myself and started to analysis why I got worked up, etc.
Helped me to deal with a lot of things from childhood. Now, I just laugh at them when they do this.
The other point was, they can then use shame on you (because you react badly) they can use that to exert more control over you. So, don't fall for the trap. A person who respects you does not wind you up for an emotional explosion.
Mine did that exact same trick. Wait till you had a few then strike. They love the audience that the fellow bar attendees provide and they get to play the victim. Even acting magnanimous to other patrons saying, "no it's okay, this happens all the time." The other patrons never hear their quiet insults and gas lighting. Just the explosion. Rule: Don't drink around them. Keep your wits.
These smug, arrogant, smirking, manipulative, evil, sacks of filthy excrement deserve to burn in hell. Every last one of them.
But i'm pretty sure the alcohol is the only thing that kept me sane!
Lol, so glad this shit is long lost in my past.
Bud Bud
Go one further, not only should you abstain from drinking yourself, do not be around people like this who are drinking.
remember they usually only do this in PUBLIC for their benefit so they can look good in front of others
Yes suddenly they R your best friend and all that runs through my mind is the meanness that happened in private
If I could do it again I would've run away for good at 16
Shandi Abbs I think the OP meant run away from the narc family. But I'd consider Craig Malkin's notion of a 'Connection Contract' first (will not always work).
I know this exact feeling. If my ex and I were the last 2 people on this planet and I had an idea where she was I would run as far in the other direction as I could...and keep going. If I never saw her again that would be too soon. Unfortunately I have a child with her and even though we rarely speak it’s still too much.
Me 2! For many, many bad reasons that also spilled on to my own kids. That's when I cut it all, realized I should have done this a loooong time ago but now I look back and relieved I'm OUT. I am isolated but it's okay. I will keep paying this price in exchange for my sanity AND my kids
@@sugarbum99 oh my I feel that we as survivors pay a massive price to be free from them, I would rather be penniless with my arse scrapping the ground than ever see the monster again
I did and it still was a tough Journey
exactly. and also if they can't get you in one area- like jealousy- then they will try making you angry- or they will try to sexually compromise you. It is really evil.
Depending on what entities are involved. They can off you anywhere they please. But you demonstrate understanding but never ever underestimate their reach and control.
What's sexual compromising?
I think that sometimes your nervous system is so shot out from all the abuse, that you can’t not react. It’s impossible to be rational in those times. Also, what do you do when you are being controlled, manipulated, and blackmailed because the Narc is video recording the reactive abuse he’s putting you through and threatening you with it?
Leave. Quickly. No contact. Warn everyone that he might show the videos to that you have a disgruntled ex.
The first time, I threw the humiliation back at him. Told him all the things I gave him and did for him. The second time I called my mom and went to the ER. My mom brought up a past fight and almost didn’t let me go into the ER. That’s how I knew she was a narcissist too. I almost left him but I’m borrowing my mom’s car and she wouldn’t let me take it. So I just went to a hotel. If he ever does it again, then I am just going to call 911 but I don’t think he will because that was almost a year ago. He deleted both videos. At least I believe so. I informed my brothers and their families, but they didn’t do anything about it. In fact, they made me feel like it was my fault.
ua-cam.com/video/40xS-lkZNXE/v-deo.html
@@annaburns2865 I'm a scapegoat too, and these so-called siblings love to GANG-UP with parents on people like us. I gave up on my brothers and sister and vice versa. In fact, they can take credit for doing the disowning since I wasn't going to be tolerated standing up for myself to my narc sister or narc parents.
The upside of the story? At least I don't have to put up in any way shape or form with frenemies within the family anymore (that I never knew were even there until that moment)
Are they only narc who do this??
these tactics and smear campaign cost me my babies... no more abuse for me. but not for my kids...
Things went extreme... so accurate I could not recognize myself in this relationships It was not me at all.
Dog whistling….OMG….lightbulbs goin' off all over!!
Me with my mum :/ once I’m pushed to insanity I get called crazy and feel embarrassed .
One thing that really helps me is reminding myself that I was the one who ended the abuse cycle. My ex narc tried to keep it going. The article "the myth of mutual abuse" by Jessica R. On the national domestic violence hotline website also explains, "But “mutual abuse” doesn’t exist. Abuse is about an imbalance of power and control. In an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there may be unhealthy behaviors from both/all partners, but in an abusive relationship one person tends to have more control than the other." I believe this applies to all forms of abuse.
Well said.
I agree with you. In my humble opinion the worst coupling is Narc and Co Dependant. Both have severe abandonment issues, these trigger each other to explosive and worse end in death either murder or suicide.
Its a mentality formed from childhood that involved abuse. The truth is there is no cure for Narcissism or most of the other borderline disorders, hence so many life coaches now assisting (and doing a great job I must say) with self healing.
As you cannot change a Narc you can focus on how you ended up with one !!
That's why I'm staying single forever. Been there done that, sick of getting hurt.
I feel the same way girl ❤️ I hear you
💪💪💪💪stay strong darling
We got this
Damn right!!
Well thats what they want you to do , lol single forever, don t fall for it, there is really nice guys outhere
The only way out of a narcissist environment or narcissist person is when you realize there is nothing to improve as humans.
If someone is doing this to you you have every right to feel angry, it's not normal behaviour
I was actually told with less knowledge of psychology I wouldn't be upset about it . Yeah cause I'd be manipulated. Not exactly a choice.
The world is unfair, often the manipulator hides behind a form of victimhood and communal protection.
Truth and integrity is pushed to the wayside.
I showed my husband this. After mocking me in the middle I told him either he watched it or our marriage was over. He stood there with his arms crossed and at the end smirked because I finally had proof of what he had been doing was real abuse and he says while smirking “I guess I’ll just have to think a little more before I speak.” They won’t change they will only become more covert!! At least I had just watched the video so I didn’t react. This was very helpful you’re right I can only help myself. And I do hope things get better because of it!
I’ve never had my situation put into such perfect words
Dog whistling! I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and knowing about dog whistling is going to be helpful. Being able to identify it in others, whether overt or covert, will allow me to overcome the urge to have an intense outburst. I'm so happy I happened upon your channel today. Already, I've been able to go back and reprogram flashbacks and self-talk. Thank you.
Thank you so much! But why do they want to drive others crazy? and make us abandon our integrity and loose control? They fool many into thinking that the victim is the crazy evil one. But I know others do notice the abuse, they just stay silent.
They get a thrill out of controlling you like a puppet. It satisfies a sadistic need to lift themselves up by putting you down along with the power of controlling you.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 but why does people that accually see it (the few who does) not stand up and say against.
@@ihatestalkersbm9486 You can't see the big picture when you're standing in the middle of it.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 No but those who see it and know they are flying monkeys WHY are they helping anyway? Those who has seen that its smear and reaktive abuse
@@ihatestalkersbm9486 Flying monkeys are one of two things: 1) Either they don't understand narcissism, are naive, possibly conditioned from childhood, or they can't think for themselves. 2) They are narcissists themselves who serve a greater narcissist in order to get their narcissistic needs met. Either way, stay away from them.
I was with the last narc for 7 months. He was a covert. During the relationship I never yelled, never said anything bad, never threw anything. I did my best to be supportive and loving. The last day of our relationship when I thought he may be cheating I lost it. I yelled, said horrible things and broke stuff. I am a loving, kind empath and I feel guilt for what happened. Normally when issues happened I just left the room if he was angry or invalidating and returned whn calm. If he was angry I just looked uncomfortable and left the house. I tried so hard to contain myself and work on the relationship. Therapy, self care, everything. Until that last day. Its 3 months NC but this remains with me.
I had empathy for myself in this situation. I just told myself what I would tell some one else in this situation. That I was provoked. I was worn down from narc abuse. I felt trapped and powerless. But I didn't know better so when I realised my part in it all I worked to change it and took responsibility. If u stay in the situation and just keep abusing each other that's when u would start feeling not so good about yourself. Thanks again Meredith! The course sounds great 💐
I've been there with an ex. Two actually. One did exactly the same thing poking and poking with insults, triangulation, pathological lies, crazy making and gaslighting in public/private, constant belittling and threats, etc.
The other would aaaalllmost hit/kick/grab almost get physical like raise his hand, or shove me just lightly repeatedly until I would defend myself by hitting/screaming/throwing/grabbing back. Then he would act appalled and tell me I was violent. Never NEVER before OR since have I been a fighter, or shown physical aggression no matter how angry I am. Ever. It was only with those two.
I'm married and have two kids, and have never been physically aggressive with them. But with those two, I would do all sorts of crazy things... Throw stuff, scream unintelligibly, bang my head while he stood in my face criticising something ridiculous, drive like a crazy, all kinds of things. It happens to even the calmest person.
One thing that really helps me when learning a bit more on the goings on inside the narc's mind is that it doesnt seem personal, it seems like they're going by protocol? That thought kinda makes it easier because one thought that has haunted and i feel caused what feels like irreparable damage to me in the past are the thoughts "What did I ever do to him except be nice?" or "It's my fault it didnt go well, I did something wrong".. which were eating away at my insides for a couple of years after. I was never the same again. How I wish there was somebody to tell me "it's not you, it's him" back then.
Thank you for the video.
MsMadLemon wonderful word..PROTOCOL!! Exactly they go by protocol.
I just experienced this yesterday with my husband. Thank you for the post. 12 years he has ruined fun nights out but he says its me. I have to leave to keep my sanity. I'm tired of waiting for a change in him that will never happen.😢
Your right, choose yourself!
Dog whistle politics. 1000 thank yous for explaining this tactic. It was my toxic FOOs favorite tactic to use in the presence of friends and family at gatherings to shame and embarrass me. They did it at every gathering and I became extremely dissociated from my body as a result because I knew not to react but had no coping mechanism other then to freeze up and leave my body. I never had a term for individually directed public shame until you explained the dog whistle where only one person the target can hear it. Wow....thank you so much!!!
Truth Seeker My father dog whistled me about my weight in front of others.
I said, "What did I overhear you saying? Why don't you say that a little louder??" to my cowardly ex-brothers. Those cowards shrunk back into the hermit crab shells. (I'm no better than you, it's just that the sibling scapegoat abuse did not come out of the closet until just about that point by a few years later than that).
NOTHING WRONG WITH FREEZING OR SUPPOSEDLY "RUNNING AWAY"! Indeed you were getting a cowardly surprise ambush, and you wanted to be your best self, and you DID what you have to do with that moment! Good job!
The need for Drama is what draws the Narc to the Borderline.
i survived so many of this trap, the result I feel traumatised lost my confident, depressed, etc. best is to stay away from the source, it would be the best investment u do to ur life
Sharstar MUA i am so damaged right now
same. these ppl are SICK
Easier said than done when it's a member of your family doing it. When there are grandchildren involved who will ultimately suffer as the result of walking away from the family.
Sarah Tennant I left last week horrible
You made it this far and understand, You CAN make it the rest of the way.
It is one thing to learn the quirks and behaviors of the narcissist but everyone needs to learn why we were with them in the first place. Your whole world will open up when you do! Great video!
Do Not let your Guard Down. Narc's are very persistent and some will not stop till the target is destroyed.
The most important thing to do in this situation is to not snap. Stay calm and remain in control of your own behavior.you can never be in the wrong when you are doing right.
When he was ranting and raving, I became more numb to it, and it really pissed him off because I wouldn't respond to his accusations! It pissed him off that I was "blank".
Omg the dog whistle!!! This is genius. Explains everything beautifully, oh my god.❤
thank you so much.... now i finally understand what my father told me... You can never change your mother, you change within yourself...
What I wish I did differently is not to give away my integrity - not to ask him or plead with him or scream at him to respect my wishes or my boundaries. Now what I will do is to stop talking and just enforce my boundary. In my last scenario I did this by stopping all communication and going no contact.
No contact is the best way actually. Forgive yourself for not recognizing this persons real character earlier and move on. The only way to deal with these people. Amen
Coping with the triggers is the worst. Controlling yourself is the hardest thing to do. Good explanations of there activities. I had it happen at work today there are three of them out of 5 in the room. I was triggered somewhat but other times held it together.
Easiest way to do that is to just say fuck it, fuck it in the ass with a big rubber dick, to everything they are doing, ie. From this moment forward i decree there are no more triggers.
I realize that most likely every relationship I have been in has been with a narc in one form or the other. My reactions to their crap has not been good. Yes is was my lack of self control. Of course at the time had no idea what was going on.
Ive been there... Only control we have is of our own self...
And yes 100% you can learn all there is to learn about NPD, and fully get it bit youll never be able to wrap your head around how a human being(?) can constantly and consistantly do such cruel and disturbing things to some one who (at one point anyway), did nothing but love them and you showed it, you didnt just spew empty words. Its heart wrenching! Focus on you and your needs, desires, and dreams. Before you end up handing them to a narc.
this is why I divorced my exhusband, and disconnected to my mom narcissist I was so fed with me blowing it on responding to them I had to learn healthy boundaries so I don't fall into these traps
So true. At one point I didn't recognise myself I began to wonder if I was the narcissist cos I was responding the same as him. I got really scared and wondering who/what I was becoming. I didn't like me at all.
I then binged videos and knew I had to change me & how I responded to provacation. I learnt how to go "grey rock" which really helped me to regain control of myself. The mistake then became the lesson and began the process of me healing and becoming healthy. I changed me completely.
Now I like myself. Eventually I left and been gone for a year now. Thanks for your wisdom it really helped me on the long journey out of the dark and into the light. Thank you so much. Sending you a big hug back.
Oh My God you have just confirmed what I was suspecting ! I'm so grateful for your videos! For a while I was blaming myself thinking maybe I am the one who is a narcissist. I felt guilty for my behavior towards someone and now I clearly see that I was provoked for years. At times I didn't even recognize myself anymore I've become "the crazy one". Thank you for you help , videos, support, information! I wish I saw this video earlier.
My mom did that to me. Today I am healing thanks to Inner integration and other channels❤️ thank you❤️
Great video Meredith. We have all been there, and where I always find compassion and forgiveness for myself and others is in Maya Angelou's words "When you know better you do better." And remember the beauty in the fact that the minute you learn from your mistakes they suddenly transform into meaningful lessons rather than shameful and painful (sometimes giant and very public) errors. Thanks again. Blessed Be.
Evening Ransom So true!!!! Also Maya Angelou..." when somebody shows you who they are...believe them."
I agree; however, not so with a narcissist, you never learn. You just go crazy.
I started on a journey of truth and it occurred to me maybe the narcissist is a blunt reality crash course in seeking self truth
That is such a perfect way to describe it... "Dog Whistling"
In the past I noticed a certain person pushing my emotional buttons and I was chronically like a bull charging a red cape, exactly like the dog whistle you describe.
Oh, yes. The ex used this tactic against me constantly. Even used it in court to get custody. Shameless. Such a double bind and they rub it in your face claiming that they “maintained their integrity”
I quit drinking and going out to bars with mine. The gaslighting and games with drinks added made me doubt myself even more due to the alcohol. I really began to open my eyes then without any alcohol in my system. However it's sad that you can't enjoy an evening out and have a drink or two because they always ruin it.
Halfway through the vid, i'm like OMG Why didn't i know this earlier??! So that's what its called. "Dog whistling". I can't wait to meditate quietly in my room at night, re-writing my memories with the ways you've just shared. Before knowing such narcs existed, I believe I was a happy go lucky person who lived with no regrets. I have since been on a long self healing journey. The idea of transmuting is new to me and gives me more hope to work with. Thank you so much Meredith! May God bless you!
Well this comment might seem superficial to those of us who are truly traumatized- but, not wanting to be re-traumatized- I'm watching dramas instead on UA-cam, and analyzing the personality syndromes from behind a safe place. It's a better learning tool than real life.
I'm grateful for the lessons that narcissistic abuse has taught me.
I won't allow myself to move from my own integrity and ethical standards. I will no longer allow these sick people to control my reality. After a life time (47 years) of dealing with these sick people I choose to take care of myself and my integrity by not reacting to their insanity. I will respond with integrity and remove myself from these people.
Thank you for your insightful, inspiring and helpful videos.
💕
I understand that it is healthy to be angry but in the long term it might be more constructive to understand the narc's open wound so that you could get rid of your anger and move on... Also the key is to know yourself and why you got interested in a person with such big issues in the first place.
yeah the dopamine...they seem so cold-blooded and eerily calm apathetic at times, I think they need the drama.
This is powerful. In the 20 years I was married to my abuser he would gaslight me over and over. I'm not proud of reactions including breaking doors and raging. Once I stopped reacting he upped the emotional abuse by neglecting me and when I stand strong he walked out the door. I needed to hear this because I'm responsible my reactions and if someone is provoking me to act outside my integrity then it's a huge red flag!!!Thank you
When you are down and out and in the midst of this drama...these videos and comments are priceless and save lives. Thank you for all of your words.
I’m going through this right now .. I’m becoming someone I do not like .. it’s literally insanity ... swearing cursing yelling when I just can’t take anymore and even tho I know exactly what he is doing I sometimes just lose it. I feel like this persons breaking my soul. But I realize it’s my responsibility to chose how to respond. This is one of the hardest things I’ve been through and this person is my boss.. just me and him tho and it’s a home based business. It’s mind blowing to me that people are like this and can be so emotionally abusive but then I react and feel just as low or lower.
Rebecca Russell samenexact thing. You are not alone, xxxx
Meredith I love your videos. .bless you girl for opening our eyes to these leaches
Amen!
I don’t know how I found you... this is exactly the direction I needed to survive this nightmare! Thank you!!!! Your insight is my saving grace. Thank you! 💪🙏❤️
Did you survive the nightmare?
Thank you ! This video has literally been that life changing moment for me ! Where I finally get it !!
He used to take me out, be supremely charming, then suddenly he was cross with me, and I was bewildered why. It HAD to be me. He said it was me, I had annoyed/irritated/provoked him... but I had no idea HOW. I feel stupid now, because for some reason I forgot that nobody else found my very presence so annoying. I loved him, worshipped him, adored him, gave him my life, and this is what the bastard narc did. And he enjoyed it. He would reduce me to weeping then sit and smirk at me.
That is exactly right when you are questioning your own behavior because it's out of character.Hindsight,it does make sense that looming feeling you had or have with these people in the beginning or all through the relationship, tells you they do not care one bit and are complete troublemakers.
It confirms relationship was doom from the beginning
Another incredibly insightful and helpful video. Reactive abuse is the trap that I fall into every time and always regret it and always feel bad afterwards. I really need to work on this. Thank you so much for your help and insight Meredith .
Thank you especially for the reminder to turn the unpleasant experience into a lesson for myself to help guide my own future behavior.
(At around 10 mins into video)
My thought: Don't beat yourself up forever. You can't buy the reaction you wanted with a pocket full of your own shame and guilt. It just doesn't have much value. The valuable thing is to change your behavior.
It's usually with my experiences my reactive response is at the tail end.
I remain in my character and integrity all through the relationship, these characters are very patient in setting their abusive trap and it can take years
Same. 🎯
Dear Meredith I have to say that out of every video I have seen and I must have seen thousands over the past 6/7 years this single video is the most amazing and gave me the most clarity about how the narcs have been crushing the real me so utterly and subtly ! Many of the vids have seen have been so, so helpful because the disorder is so incredibly complicated. It takes so long to learn about every trick and tactic that toxic personalities use against you to control you, hijack you and ultimately destroy you for their own pleasure, sense of self worth, amusement and dissipation of their ferocious internal rage and hatred. It's probably true that if I had not learned from all the other vids what understanding I have gained I might not have been ready to understand the information you are giving here, but this vid is just amazing ! I suddenly saw how they DELIBERATELY trick you into behaving like them when your internal integrity is completely opposite to them, but they bring you down to their level of behaviour by attacking you with lies and abuse and then immediately focusing the attention on your reaction and not on their attack. When you react to the attack with pain and rage and confusion ( this is a person who claims to love you most dearly) they point to your reaction to tell you more lies about yourself. Then walk away looking like the person in receipt of abuse ! Many, many thanks for all your amazingly eye opening vids !!!!!! 😃
Exactly how I reacted to abuse, by constant provocation, ridicule, engaging others to do his job of unkindness and mockery. He fed on abusing me., it was a nightmare of pain andhell.
Thank you for having your channel.❤️👍
I am getting out of an abusive relationship. Just realizing that he is a narcissist and possibly a psycho as well. Listening to you explaining and validation my experiences and giving it names i.e. Dog whistle helps me right now to heal by understanding.
Bless you.🙏
I could relate to this because my narc also invited me out of my integrity. I am s Godly woman with Godly morals but he subtle ly pushed those boundaries. I finally went went no contact and HV asked him to leave me alone.
That must feel really good. Like you’ve got all this free time on your hands now
omg YES! My sister keeps dog whistling every time we are around other people. Drives me INSANE!! Never knew there was a word for this! Thank you
Also think of the moments where you didn't give in, where you could resist the malignant manipulation tactics and remained true to yourself, being connectec with your self: YOU ARE COMPETENT to (re)build a strong self esteem!
Thank you very much for these tips, I am dealing these past months with two narcissist. One is my former best friend and her boyfriend. With you tips it is like a weapon for me, they fear me now and I feel powerful at this stage. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
yep, they love to do it in public around alcohol because at home they do not have the courage to confront reality
I feel like you're speaking right to me about this. My mother and my sister both are borderline personality disorder sufferers. I don't know how or why it missed me, but I am glad. I understand that they're mentally ill, and that's why I say sufferer, because I know in a lot of ways life is incredibly hard for them because they think so differently than "normal" and often times, due to their abusive interactions with people, become isolated. I'm 100% an empath, so I'm sure you can see how I waltz right back into the fray, with the whole "Oh, I can help you!" mindset. I'm working very diligently with an amazing counselor to change what I can change about myself and to create healthy boundaries. Your videos help me so much because it reminds me that it's not in my head. It reminds me to keep firm my boundaries and to love unconditionally my family but to maybe sometimes most of the times love them from afar since it's what is healthiest for ME. It's sad that people are that way, and what's worse is there's no hope for a recovery. Mom's better when she takes her meds, and her and I have VERY candid conversations where I say "I love you and I love myself too. When you're ready to adhere to your self-care program, I will be here." (Not quite like that but close) and then if she comes back and she's still in the throes of a "fit" as I've started to call it, I say the same and back off again. She tries so hard to keep that side of her under control and I can see it there, bubbling under the surface, but I try to talk to her as frankly and honestly as I can, keeping myself safe but addressing the issues and yet also letting her know I'm there. It's tough. Sorry this is so long. I obviously just went through a "fit" with her and had to put some distance there. /Sigh
The first question describes the very actions that took place in my relationship with the narc. I lost integrity and behaved so out of character. He deliberately set it all up to sabatage our relationship!. I have journals I go back and read and realized that his intentions were definitely not towards anything good for me. This was the worst relationship I have EVER!!!!! been in. The healing, forgiveness and rebuilding myself from this mess is unbelievable! Thank you for all of the work the you and others do to help us understand this disorder. Their kind will actually make you think you are certifiably crazy.
Hi Meredith...regrets over the "do over" only live in our heads in the past. I can now see that the best "do overs" are "will do over". Head up, looking forward with strength and conviction that I can do that different from here forward. Love your work. Peace.
Please keep making vids. I think every video you've made has addressed a cognitive distortion, and just kind of broken it for me so that there's clarity. Thank you.
I finally decided that I preferred to be alone because it became a relief.
Crazy making bosses always do it at the team meeting.
Missed this major Red Flag. Completely understand the effect. Told ex-Narc he made me a worse person on my emotional reactions. This channel and others have helped SO MUCH in understanding what the heck was going on.Stay strong other survivors out there! Knowlegde & Truth ARE power!
Thanks. Great reframe from regret to lesson. I'd also add that if a person is dealing with cPTSD, that the limbic system can take over to the point where we genuinely lose control of higher brain function even long after we've gone no contact. This may be the root that you're referring to at the end. Trauma needs to be released to calm the limbic & engage the pre-frontal cortex. I'm looking forward to listening to your new body awareness video because there are some wonderful somatic approaches to healing of trauma.
I dissociated so much growing up from doing grey rock to a point where it actually turned into dissociation from the constant nervous system overwhelm. I'd love to hear more as well about this. Great video Meredith!
quistunes
Thanks for the wonderful advice on reflecting positively and learning after we act out of character in response to the crazymaking. It’s easy, and can be traumatic to get into a cycle of self doubt and blame, which has to end with out perspective because there is rarely a chance for closure from the crazymaker.
DOG WHISTLING!!! That's it! That's the word I'm looking for. Thank you so much for this video Ma'am! I myself am a victim of abuse by my two older siblings. They consistently dog whistle me to provoke me in front of our parents... It may look or sound normal, but every words that come out of their mouths have a meaning which is against my will.
Thank you. New subscriber here.
This is so spot-on! We, and only we, have control over our emotions and our feelings and our actions. No one can force us to act in any way. Thank you for this thought-provoking video, showing that we each can control only ourselves...
I agree... It's response... Don't respond. I feel like lots of men do this just thinking it's funny too... Maybe there is a fine line...
Exact drama they provoke.
Over and over I leave one job and narcissistic co workers get others to poke at me then I start to react and they all gain up on me.then I end up becoming mentally sick in front of every one . It’s happening again .....the main person uses gas lighting,power of suggestion and manipulation....no one would ever ever guess it’s her !! They would say I was making it up and causing trouble......I am getting too
old to leave another job , I sure am in awe how you know this stuff .!Im yelling at my computer screaming “ yeah that’s exactly what is happening to me .
Even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you it’s so healing to know someone is on my side .....
I just can’t feel I’ll be in HR fighting lies and have to leave .
I don’t know what to do
Your a god send
Thank you
Crystal
Yes. So true. The dog whistling! Wow, makes so much sense...then we're the crazy one! When I have to be around him due to our children, I pretend he's a tree. I wouldn't hug it, kick it, kiss it, react, or talk to it. I'm not rude. I'm indifferent. We have to take the high road always. Sometimes it's so hard, but we have to do it for our own Mental Health. THANKS again for all your insight. You are awesome. In love and light
I am so happy that I came across your videos. They really got me through those rough days with him and now I'm finally free and it feels sooooooo good!!!!!!
You are a well spoken angel! I can’t even describe to you how helpful every single sentence from you is
OMG, my husband used to do this to me all the time!!
Thank you, Meredith, for the good advice.
One very simple method that I use to make decisions more in line with my true character is to say to myself: "Slow Down!". When provoked by a narcissist, we may feel an impulse to respond in kind, which we afterwards regret. Giving yourself a "time out" from having to act right now is useful in the middle of a stressful situation. During an argument with or being provoked by a narcissist, time is on our side because with time we tend to relax into our normal self and hence to make a better decision. (BTW: Unfortunately, I did not always follow my own advice in the past, which cost me since I, not a provoking narcissist, ended up looking guilty. So, this is an ongoing lesson for me too.)
I was the worst for reactive abuse in the past. I always wanted him to hurt more than me once he purposely started fights or attacked me. I threw paint all over the inside of his new car and broke the radio. Caught him cheating...took him back and caught him again and I spray-painted the girls name all.over his car and the word cheater. Plus breaking TV's...etc. Hated that everyone looked at me like the crazy person when I was the one being abused. I realized I was depressed because I knew I was a different terrible person because I LET him play and provoke me. I know now. Respond vs React! Thanks Meredith 😀🙏🏾💙😘👍🏾💪🏾
I remember one of the first times I went out in public with my ex narc. Wow did that turn into insanity. My narc completely ignored me. Literally acted like he did not hear a word I was saying. For hours. Until I couldn't take it anymore and I exploded! Of course I looked like the absolute crazy person to everyone because no one knew what he was doing to me. I didn't even try to explain anything. I just put that in the back of my mind and tried to keep going. After six more years of abuse I finally left for good. I finally figured out what they want. They want you to be completely isolated so you will have no one to talk to about the abuse.