Hey guys - don't forget to let me know how many of these symptoms you identify with or any that I missed!!!! Also - as a reminder, if my videos resonate with you and you are ready to do the deep inner work to overcome the side effects, coping skills and cptsd symptoms after narcissistic abuse, I meet live every week with an international group of survivors and we do the inner work together!!! I'll leave the link here for you to check out and see if it might be a good fit for you!!! www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation
It's been a few years now and thought I had fully moved through but every once and awhile I get hit with emotional flashbacks and replaying some fantasy world based fully in cognitive dissonance and healthy doses of euphoric recall Seems to come around once a year or so.
Your video hit me square beteen the eyes. I feel such relief being able to understand what has happened, but I can sense that there is more to do than feel this relief. I know that I have more work on myself to do. I have gone completely no-contact for the past 3 months, and it has been so good for me. I looked at the school of transformation link, and I cannot find any sign up page... the only place I can get to is the sign in page.
Omg yes, this used to be me with my family...once I realized how horrible they were treating me everyone was shut out. You should've seen the meltdowns, that' when I truly knew just HOW dysfunctional my family was and still is. It's actually scary and I advise anyone to see professional help for this.
When your parents (even one of them) are narcissistic or have narcissistic traits, it's impossible to function "normally" in the society, you don’t think like a healthy person, your main goal is- to survive. Because that's how children in toxic families think, survival is the most important, everything else is secondary. That's why you grow very conscious of your environment, you're exhausted, you watch everybody's reaction, you think about every detail of your life and interactions with people, because watching the every reaction of narcissist was the key to get through the day in your childhood and not to get hurt physically or mentally. So when you leave the toxic home you don’t know know what to do with yourself. Some people call it being an empath but I call it being traumatized. It takes the rest of your life to heal from that environment.
💯 relatable. It’s a very alienating experience. I remember a saying, something like. When you have a good childhood. You use those memories on a bad day to heal. when you had a traumatic one, you spend the rest of your life healing your childhood.
So sorry to hear, I can very much relate - so unfair and wicked Such a family dynamic can be very similar to being in a Nazi concentration camp 🧐 All the best
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
I’m very grateful for you novel of information and I’m not being sarcastic I’m going though slot and my man is a narcissist I love him so much but it’s affecting me and I can’t even work on myself it’s slowing my progress he means the world to me but at the same time yes he has his own likes but then gets mad at me when mine sent to his interest I just want him to be happy but he won’t do the same for me then want to cause me of cheating when I had done something before we even dated
@@EmbraceDeath420 I really really feel you, my wife Is exactly word for word like the person described were you commented at. She described literally my life and I felt every word she wrote. Eventually you will become depressed, empty, lose friends, jobs, opportunities, family, hobby’s, self worth, self devaluation, lose confidence. I can go on and on but break your self free before It’s too late. Don’t tell your deepest emotions or secrets because they appear to listen at first but they’ll use EVERYTHING against you and will blame you for their disgusting behavior. Stay strong and crawl slowly out of It. Take care👊🏿
It’s why it’s so scary, because sometimes it’s so subtle, it doesn’t feel like abuse. It feels wrong, but not wrong enough to stand up and leave or see it for what it is. You start to wonder if it’s you, your brain or you’re going crazy…. Heartbreaking
@@CosmicKindness The Journey by Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do- determined to save the only life you could save.
@@TeaRose9 Hi, I used to have arthritis symptoms all the time when I lived with my narcissist parents, I can remember lying on my bed feeling mu hands throbbing and body aches while they would be in the kitchen screaming at each other over stupid stuff. Once you get away from all this things will get better. And even if you can't get away, having a different way at looking at it makes a big difference. What worked for me was seeing a therapist. Once I got my story out and told someone what I had gone through, I could feel myself changing. And my arthritis symptoms disappeared. Holding in emotions of abuse, constant invalidation, gas-lighting and every other damn thing narcissists do to people is the most destructive thing a person can do to themselves. Here's a poem I've always liked that is about the importance of putting yourself first. ( something narcissists don't want you to do) It's called The Journey by Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do- determined to save the only life you could save.
Thats how I feel. So much better by myself but lonely but she makes it impossible to leave because she leaves her things here just to have an excuse to come baçk.
I believe a toxic family system with narcissism caused my severe fibromyalgia at a very young age. To this day, they accuse me of faking my pain. I just went through an aggressive form of cancer. They called me a liar and ignored me. They never change. But I have. And I'm enjoying a quiet life in Costa Rica. 🌺
You go young lady and you do what you're supposed to do. And eat more meat while you're at it it'll keep the fibromyalgia pain away from you. I was amazed when I went the carnivore away.
@@terrilynnshoemaker5000 I'm a pesco-vegetarian, but I do eat a healthy high-protein diet. Even when I ate meat my FM was unbearable. I truly believe trauma caused it, at least partially.
Wow I can relate. How does one feel oddly guilty for the dread you feel because your real life nightmare will be coming through the door soon? Feeling bad because you feel bad that you aren’t awaiting with open arms for your loved one who CHOOSES to yo yo you love, hate, live, hate. Confusion
I was never allowed to open any bank statements. I wasn't to know how much money we had. I had to beg for grocery money, then had to produce the receipt and justify everything I purchased. I had to account for and return any change I got.
@@trishabiesinger yes, exactly! we were together 25+ years...from day one, he handled finances...which i was fine with, assuming he was planing for our future. Come to find out, he and his mistress of 10 YEARS had been hiding money (he made 6 figures yet we couldn't "afford" to fix my broken oven...i had to cook our dinners in a small toaster oven)...so my assumption that he was planning for our future (as discussed) was based on trust. Misplaced trust. Now I'm 58 years old, no work experience to show for the last 20 years, and so broke i'm having to stay on my 80 year old mother's couch for the last year. Anytime I asked to see our financial situation (what's coming in...what's going out...what can i do to help our financial health?) he'd always get defensive - why didn't I trust him? is there not a roof over my head? etc. (Sorry, I truly think i have to write a book, but I just can't even put into words 25 years of mental torture.
Remember….the way they treated u is their problem, not urs. U tried to show them how u want to be treated by being kind and forgiving….and that’s all u can do…their problem with u has nothing to do with u…but rather it being their projection of themselves onto u, their scapegoat. Just refuse to react and give them vagueness as a response and indifference….theyre the problem not u…learn who u are and work in healing u….away from them
@w8what575 That was really beautiful. How you explain that? Thank you made me feel better. It's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. I just fell in love with the man. I thought was amazing. My same values and morals. Of course, it wasn't true. Thank you again god bless you❤
It had nothing to do with you most likely. Took me a lot of years to realize that. Look at who you are as a person. Is it bad or is it good? You know your intentions and if they are good then what's really wrong with you? Nothing.
I am a 50-year-old who grew up in narcissistic home and I am here to tell you you can survive and you can overcome a lot of hurdles. The pain won't leave, but I have found peace. The peace comes from knowing it had nothing to do with me. Once I realize what was going on, I realize that there was something my mother was suffering with that she never dealt with. I worked for my mom for 20 years in hvac and I became journeyman lead installer for her. She eventually gave the business to my brother and secretary. My brother is an alcoholic who's never had his drivers license since teen anyway. My mom always catered to him and she gave him the business. He's trying to recruit me as I recently lost my job. He keeps telling me to help me. The real reason is because he needs help. He doesn't want me to know because I was very verbal about being hurt. He keeps telling me he put 30 years in and for some reason my 20 years isn't anything and he wants me to believe that. I brought up what happened and why I will not help him or why I will not accept his help whatever he wants to call it.. I was then called B word and reminded. I took a snapshot of that B word and let him know. This is exactly my problem and I will not go back to environment where it wasn't wanted in the first place. He was very upset and I told him. Yep, now you get to chew on those feelings for about three years before I come and ask you to help me now. He couldn't understand. I had to swallow the fact that everybody shafted me after 20 years of hard work for three years before he came and asked me for help which tells me that I am worthy in their eyes they just intentionally don't want you to know because then you have control. I wasn't worthy back then. It's all a game you see. Just stop playing their game . I use the word" Unacceptable" quite a bit nowadays or " I'm only responsible for my intentions and I'm not responsible for how you interpret that." They really don't know how to respond when you say those things. That's letting them know that they're twisted mine is not affecting you. I've learned it works, but doesn't make it completely go away. You have to be OK with walking away and having them be mad at you or disapprove. They will always disapprove when you walk away. You got to learn to walk away with that chin up letting them know this game is over. Don't even talk to him after that don't listen to their excuses or the daggers that you're gonna eat. Shut the switch off walk away until they can behave. If you have to walk away permanently, so to save your own sanity. You will not change anyone of them .❤
Narcs are bad programmers of children, with bits of bad code causing problems. It can't be completely erased, so the right approach is to shrink it down so small, the real you shines through.
Normal ,Is to vague , We will not get back what was takin from our selfs and children .But like living through a war. We will make the best of it . Don't give up .But don't forget yourself either , I'm going through the father there for them from day one ,Two the alienated one ,It's hard ,But getting better ,And I don't see that stoping , Unless the attacker goes away some how , Then could be fixed :/ but uu know
Overtime we can get stronger. From here on out we need to have zero tolerance for people that try to abuse us. Keep strong boundaries and make people earn your trust! Me personally I’d rather be a loner than deal with toxic abusive people!
Yep since CHILDHOOD I found out at age 4 I was unimportant and I was reminded multiple times a week tht wht I needed or dared to need wasn't important NOW my sister & later my brother their needs were important but me HOW DARE I NEED O2
I am struggling with self-doubt and guilt. I find it difficult to trust my own judgment and often feel like I am lying or manipulating others, even when I know that what I am saying is true. I believe this may be due to the negative things my adoptive parents said about my biological mother when I was younger. They frequently told me that she was a liar and a manipulator, and warned me not to be like her. As a result, I have internalized these beliefs and now struggle to trust myself. This makes it challenging for me to navigate my life and relationships.
Baby steps... It's what I took! I literally had to force myself to get up, stay up and, I actually began making plans without the lead weight. After all when he's around no one can have an opinion, a request or any attention paid to the plan whatsoever. It was all what he wanted, when he wanted, where and, with whom! It became easier and very clear that I was done! I silently enlisted a few of my family members to come pick me up and, I began coming and going as I pleased! It was after all my home, not a shack up... 8 years I'd run him off only to be love bombed and gaslighted so many times. I pulled the rug and myself right out from under his spell and, by the grace of God he has stopped just dropping by. I actually hid inside my room of my home pretending to not be home more than once... lol not funny but a little scary! Now, I still avoid him in any situation. I'd never met a covert narcissist before 2016 -2024 .... but in my opinion... I'd call him a PSYCHOPATH most likely the same only narcissist is far worse, I think. 😢😶😎
gosh - it is too painful to realise what has happened after 30 years and now no one will believe me. I was not the issue but I was severely & mercilessly trashed
I found out after 31 years. Made me very sick to my stomach. It totally made sense as to what I was married to. He passed away 2 years after I found out. I did take care of him to the very end and took good care of him. Even dying of cancer, I was hoping I would get closure. I didn’t. He cheated through our whole marriage and in the end, he told me about the sex he had with a couple of them that I knew. They don’t get nicer and they don’t give you closure. Sorry to tell you this, but it is how my narcissist was.
Yes i think it's amazing and horrible that these demons in people's skin all behvae the same way to their victims and that the trauma presents almost the same in people who were abused by them. Its sad. The Narcissist is really like a demon in human skin.
The feelings of worthlessness have never left me and I don't think they ever will. I used to be slim and pretty but I have become ugly beyond words and I don't have the strength to get back from this. I feel so worthless.
For anyone who has survived this, your story is not over, and you were NEVER crazy. This is something that happened to you and taking back your life IS possible. If you feel alone read the comments, your not and I'm praying for you. 🙏✝️💚
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on. Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule. Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me. Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style. As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake. Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen. Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it. NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift. You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya! Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you. Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others. Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings. Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible. Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening. Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog. Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish. Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com
“I miss me” becomes more like “I have yet to meet me” for someone who was not allowed to develop a self. I grew up with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits, and a couple older brothers with narcisistic personality disorder. I was “the baby of the family” and seemed to be made a special project by them. I am trying to recall a moment that I can identify and say with certainty, that was me! So it’s maybe a little more frightening reality for me who experienced this in my formative years. But Michele, just by me listening to your videos, you are helping me greatly in my journey. After fifty and some odd years of confusion, pain, and self searching, I’m only just now starting understanding a lot of this. I can’t explain the profound depth of loss I am feeling. My identity was stolen away. I know there must be hope even for me. I’m not going to give up, that’s a promise I’ve made myself.
My older brother was highly narcissistic as well and I was the youngest so I get what you mean. They crush your spirit daily so by the time you are an adult you just don’t even know who you are.
Yes...we have to meet us... and after decades of having missed us this is a big deal... I thought I had made these understandings and steps, but actually everything concerning narcisstic abuse during my whole life comes out and needs really to be "seen, understood, accepted" to let it go forever ... I wish you good luck, strength and hope... we will make it !🎉
Wow! I feel the exact same way. In 48 years I never got to develop or know who I am. My identity was robbed. Less than 30 days of no contact and now I can start healing. I actually feel selfish for trying and wanting to heal though.
I feel for you. This makes me worry about my grandson, who lives with his narcissistic mother.. my husband and I raised him from birth until 6 years old. She abused us, and her actions stressed out my husband, her father, so bad that it killed him. We couldn't get custody of him because she made sure we became homeless.
@@humbleheart1000Somebody said something that really resonated with me. We get sucked into over-empathizing with our abuser, and it leaves us under-empathizing with ourselves. Where we would give someone else encouragement to take time to care for themselves and heal, because we empathize with them, it's hard to give ourselves that same empathy and care because our self-empathy belongs to someone else. It's a challenge to unlearn that.
Feeling unloved - that does something to you...but he would never admit that he is not capable of love...instead he pretends, and this hypocrisy makes a person so sick
I have completely walled off as far as ever dating again. After 17 years of marriage to a man that was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder +3 years of dating him prior to marriage, + 3 wonderful kids together, I will never put my whole self into a relationship again. All trust is gone. I'm way too jaded. Wouldn't want to put that on someone else. It took me 4 years to de-program from him. Dated 2 guys post divorce & both also had narcissistic personalities. I then realized I was attracted to that type for a reason. Therapist told me I was codependent. So I stopped dating all together to get my own head on straight. I'm happily single now for 5 years. Will probably be single forever. No one can understand what its like to be with a narcissist until they've been through it. It has enormous long term effects on your psyche.
Same I'm currently in a relationship tht started off " wonderful" but slowly has gone dwn hill and is borderline emontonally abusive I had a severely abusive childhood and early marriage tht lasted 15yrs I had swore off relationships & dating but met current person and took a chance and 3yrs later I'm sadly at the point where I'm on YT looking at signs of emontonal abuse videos I'm terribly sad at this point AND HE DOESNT AND WONT CARE he's too wrapped up in his world even his moms realized how verbally aggressive he is she spoke to me about it I'm so so sad this had so much hope it's dead & dying from my point of view he will justify in his mind he's right he is always right any input results in anger so I stopped responding long ago I've spent the day in & out of crying spells after a hellish day of him doing me a favor of taking me to a medical appointment 😢 I'm so incredibly sad I have expressed this to shrink and he won't increase antidepressants I'm so trapped I will NEVER BE IN a another relationship after this ends
@@Jenny-uv4dl I’m sad to hear your situation but you must leave asap. I relate to you .. I hope you could figure it out very soon and leave your husband. I did it and it was the only way out of this narcissistic abuse. You shouldn’t live life not happy and content with yourself. You have to take life by the horns and leave go! You have to boss up and not be scared to leave everything behind. You have to start new be ready get up and go. Antidepressants pill are not the solution. You have to be up and alert to be gone from this person bf, husband, partner. I am (9) months no contact with the abuser Ex partner. I feel free…no more psychotic moods from him no more verbal abuse either. Stop the crying spells. Just be strong and take the steps …
I identify with all of the signs you mention. One annoying trait I have developed is being easily startled. For example: if someone walks into a room or even speaks unexpectedly , I will almost jump out of my skin. My heart rate will increase, and I will have to control my breathing. Sometimes, I will start to tremble. This is considered hilarious by some people, and they will deliberately jump out on me or shout boo to induce the reaction. I get why it's so funny to them, but it is inconvenient to me. Thanks for your insightful videos x
Omg I hate how much other folks laugh at it. Is it men? I’m a woman and it was always only guys who thought it was hilarious. It stopped when I was able to flip my freeze to fight. Once I went from facing to full on aggressive aggressive, they stopped playing games like that.
Ask the people who are delibetately startling you to stop. Its grossly unfair of them to cause you distress for theor own warped gratification - set a boundary.
@elizabethsimpson7464 I was listening for this symptom in the video. The heightened startle reflex started shortly after I moved in with my husband. Everything felt off. It was years before I associated it with PTSD. I would jump & yelp when another car came up on the passenger side (my side) as we drove on the highway. Another symptom was how disoriented I felt. Sometimes I needed to use GPS to find my way back to the interstate. I no longer recognized myself less than 2 years after getting married. Only someone who has lived it can truly understand. Hope that you are healing and giving yourself some grace❤
❤every single one! 15 years of marriage and I escaped three months ago. Leaving everything behind was worth it. I was actually physically dying the week before I left- I had even started having seizures from the panic attacks just from hearing his footsteps. Thank you for your video, you were very detailed and informative. I hope everyone out there going through this, finds this video and gets away. I’m in my late 50’s and I feel that even though I’m feeling better, I am damaged so badly that I will spend the rest of my life single due to trust issues.
After 25 years living in a narcissistic marriage... Once we left, my health went down and down till I nearly died, several times. I was exhausted mentally from the constant abuse and crulity. The best thing I ever did was take our 2 children away to a better life. ❤
oh honey - i'm with you. 25+ years for me too. Cruel and abusive...and I didn't even know about narcissism. After he abandoned me for his 10 year mistress (and had been hiding money), I was so ill, I had finally gotten to the point that I was waiting to die. Too weak to do it myself...but just...WAITING TO DIE. (the details have so many tentacles I'll spare you!). I spent the next 2 years (stranded at a little house that was actually crumbling...no transportation...family 1000 miles away...in a strange town alone) rotting away. Once my family drove out (uninvited) to see why i had gone radio silent for several months, they intervened and somehow (i don't remember any of this) I ended up back in my hometown, sleeping on my mother's couch. At 58 years old. That was a year ago. And while the CPTSD has really attacked my body and brain, like you, I know now that leaving was the best thing I ever did. I'm still homeless and jobless, and broke after the divorce, but happier than ever. God bless you, Kathryn...live your best life away from your tortuous, soul-crushing narx relationship. xoxoxo
I am going through all of them . After 13 years in that relationship, the worse part is that nobody in my family understands my situation 😢I feel I am alone fighting to be free from this
The hard part is when you become like a turtle or freeze, and then others in your life tell you that you have disappointed them when your cup is overflowing with stress while you are running on fumes. Others keep telling you to just be positive, and you feel like a failure. You cry out for help, and feel no one hears you or people break confidences and inflame the narcissist.
I can relate to every word of this during a previous relationship. Both of my uncles told my father I was becoming a loser. My X wasn’t diagnosed, but sure seemed to have BPD and pretty sure both my bosses (brothers) had NPD. Life was a living hell.
Everyone told me I was in an abusive relationship but I didn’t believe it and I was unable to leave for such a long time. I knew this behavior wasn’t healthy and I was living in fear for years. When he was done with me, he kicked me out with nothing am Nd told me “I don’t owe you anything” He got everyone to hate me and left me broke, then he told people I left him but the truth is he was with another woman. The scars left behind are 1). Low self esteem 2). Living in fear all the time. 3). Distrust of everyone and everything that people say 4). Isolation and finding comfort in being alone. 5). Depression and anxiety. When someone calls you names everyday, yells at you everyday, tells you you are always wrong, tells you you do nothing right, and cheats on you and attacks you every day, it makes you feel like such a bad person. 6). Lack of boundaries 7). Loss of trust within yourself and your gut instinct and needing people to tell you what to do all the time. 8). Toxic shame and feeling bad about yourself. 9). Not being able to smile anymore, lack of fun in life. 10). Constantly having negative thoughts due to trying to make meaning out of what has happened without finding any solutions to the problems. 11). Feeling stuck without being able to take action. The worst part is that due to lack of trust, you can’t go to a counselor because you don’t trust anyone. 12). Feeling like you are a bad person and I don’t matter to anyone. How do you heal from this if you can’t go to a therapist because you don’t trust people anymore?
Omg-- I never knew, I lived with this for almost fifty years. My husband died last year and I was basically his nurse while he self destructed. I simply stopped caring about his rages. I walked away and there was nothing he could do. But I still trying to understand myself. He’s gone, but there’s still pain
I'm having all kind of mix emotions... I swear I thought I was going crazy!!! I was starting to believe "it's all me" while knowing it's not really me. It's like it's all a bad dream!!! And the most confusing part is that part of me still "feels" that I love him. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??????
@@y.w1544 The "love" you still feel for him is called a TRAUMA BOND. There are tons of videos on the subject; if you do a search you can learn more about it and how to break that bond.
I remember after the breakup i was on high alert. If someone knocked on my door I felt like a terrorist attack was happening. When I was outside of my house I felt so paranoid that something bad was fixing to happen. Always looking over my shoulder. I’m 6’2” and 250 pounds. I’m not usually a scared person lol. I went to a very good therapist and I’m 2 years out from the narcissist and never felt so good about myself. Your information is very helpful to remember where I was.
6 minutes in and I feel like I need to take a break and come back to it because it brings up too many memories. I was pretty much surrounded by narcissists as a child sexually groomed by 2 different adults. Somehow I was groomed into believing I was in a relationship but it was really sexual abuse and the fawning thing was what I think made me ignore so many things that were obviously so wrong. I want to watch this but I will have to do it at a later time. I don’t know why I even typed this but I’m struggling with PTSD and I’ve been free from the abuse for almost 7 years.
After 13 years of absolute torment, I’m finally finding my way back to freedom. We share a child, so it’s complicated. But he’s out of household now. Healing will take years. I will never fully be free of him and I worry for my Daughter. But I will navigate this the best I can and finally break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction.
I actually think often a narcissist can regulate their emotions. They just have a strong sense of entitlement, and superiority and require that sense of dominance to be maintained. They also lack a lot of sympathetic empathy for other. They can understand how others feel to an extent, they just don’t care much.
They do not independently regulate their emotions. They manipulate people & situations to fuel their perception, which alters their emotions. That's not self regulation. If they believe it benefits them, they can control some behaviors, temporarily. They must have outlets. They explode eventually. Someone who can regulate their own emotions can learn, grow, and heal. That's not what the narc does.
My therapist gaslighted me. Sent me into a far darker place for a decade. Hearing Michele, I feel so sad for my younger self - if my therapist had just given me this information when I needed it most (I remember begging this therapist for support, while she acted bored and shamed me instead!), I would have found my way to a better place much sooner and not lost my younger years to the hell that followed! I am still glad, however, that later, I got the help I needed and now look foward to a far more tranquil middle age.:)
My problem was not even be able to recognize a toxic therapist. My own parents acted bored, shameful of me every second of a day. I grew numb to it, and just accept bad treatment as abuse was all I’ve known. It was my reality. So that led to more issues, no boundaries for myself. I would’ve returned to the same doctor, which I have before. I would mistake people taking advantage of me vs actual care. I could not tell. My brain was so easily manipulated by anyone at that age. It’s through no one able to help us , reject us when most vulnerable, that got to us helping ourselves. So I guess that’s the positive thing in it.
Im so sorry you went through this. That therapist should be reported, she sounds horrible and unfit to be in the mental health community. I hope things get better for you and that you meet a caring empathic therapist who is professional and that these videos help a great deal with your healing. No one should have to go through what you did. 💕
I identify with every single symptom. You nailed it. After 30 years, I don't know how to develop a support system of friends, or find a knowledgable therapist. I feel permantenly stuck, and living life is so hard.
Never allowed to shine! If I was teaching a Sunday class, he’d have to leave. He could not stand to watch me ever do well. And it also worked out so he had time to get together with the current supply
I did a fitness competition once and my narcissistic mother was screaming so loudly in the audience trying to put other people down and bring me up that it made everyone uncomfortable the judges were annoyed by it. It was very awkward for me. I also had a public speaking seminar once and she was in the front row making it about her she literally got up and turned around and said I’m her mother and then was bowing down😂
I keep going through narcissist hurt over and over again. I’m at this point where I’m so numb. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I walked away from a narcissistic friendship and it hurt so much and I feel like I’m back at square one. I also live in a narcissistic household. Before I thought I had that friends support so it was easy to navigate but then after getting treated really badly by that person it just made me spiral. I’m just in a numb place now. I just want to heal but I know that’s going to take time. I feel like I don’t even want to get close to anyone anymore. I just wanna be alone. I’m in pain but I can’t even feel that anymore…
I don’t matter, I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me is always what I’ve felt. I developed allergies to gluten,animals, plants. My nervous system is still disrupted after 48 years of abuse from all NPD family and significant others. I am fighting an addiction to sugar & flour. I have PTSD and flashbacks. I’ve gained 170 pounds since I was 18. Thank you for sharing. I’m currently reading “It’s Not You” by Dr Ramani. I’m hating this healing process….facing the facts and all the pain. I do need therapy. ❤ Time to take my life back reminds me of the “Fight Song”.
Dr. Ramani, is very knowledgeable. But, she gives me anxiety. Her manner keeps you in high alert. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s true for me. I had found trauma had really caused damage and even removed or killed some of my brain functions. It’s a long process, which I’ve done with very little outside help. Lots of help from professionals online. The worst thing that ever happened to me, turned out to be the best thing…for the rest of my life! Much love
@@UrDominioNI agree about ms Ramani.. she gives me the Ick.. her personality reminds of my narc mother.. and she refuses to answer pointed questions and acts very disrespectful imo.
@@Realalma , i’m not knocking her… I’m just saying she’s wasn’t good for my narcissistic trauma. I gotta give her props though she was one of the few that I found that were any good.Much love
“I miss me” Because of very recent discovery of Self, I thought, “I’ve only just got here, why put me in a box?” This helped me see what was happening. It took me 40 years to even realize my true self. And I was giving it all away. All this helped me to end contact. And she hated my self awareness.
All of them! I’ve been away for 8 years now. I’m still not better. I have agoraphobia, an autoimmune disease, depression, panic disorder and the list goes on. I can’t find a therapist who knows anything about narcissistic abuse. I have no family or friends who truly understand. I’ve asked for help with certain things and no one will. Having been the “helper” for all of my life this is hard to understand.
You're not alone I feel you I'm your mirror image I have the same identical stuff going on and I just stay to myself and hide and I don't want to be around anybody that way nobody can blame me about anything don't want to hear it and the less they know about me the better because narcissists have a way of using your information against you and twisting it all kinds of ways to suit their needs and to destroy you with your own information and even with the love that you have in your heart they try to destroy you with that too unbelievable SMH my problem was that I used all the negative energy they gave me to fight back physically emotionally and mentally legally you name it I thought back with everything I had in me to the point where exhausted me and I end up with all kinds of health issues but I'm bouncing back now but man I gave them hell and they know how to stay far away from me with the nonsense
The helper never gets helped, and we will never get treated the way that we treat everyone else. But maybe that's just my narcissistic abuse childhood talking
I've just had a realization on my run this morning that I'm always playing victim, as a way to keep everyone away so I don't get hurt. Then boom. This pops up. I'm 20/20 on this list.
I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and divorced him. My mother has been married to my narcissistic father for 76 years. Last month she had an adverse reaction to a BP med and ended up on a ventilator. After that rehab. She told me she never wanted to see him again. He became enraged and cut up some of her clothes before I was able to move her personal belongings. Yesterday, she went into Hospice because of complications from the ventilator at her age. After decades around this narcissist, I can say all 20 were on our list.
Raised by a mom who was a narcissist set me up to marry narcissistic men I am just now realizing and putting words to the things that I have gone through.I am so much stronger now but I'm still battling this narcissistic demonstrates in my current marriage. I now know what I'm dealing with it has brought sanity to me
@@richardknezevic7371 I learned at the age of 75. I married my mom because that is what I knew. I foolishly expected that we could keep the highs and eliminate the lows. I passed on some good ones because steady and reliable was boring.
I am learning that if one parent choose to live or married a narcissistic person, It means that it has begun with someone in the generation. So that means the generation curse needs to be broken
Narcissistic damage, whether it's in a relationship or from people you encounter throughout your life, can crush your self esteem and keep you in a constant state of stress because you have to constantly guard yourself from being attacked mentally and emotionally. This also has an effect on your physical health. I think you may have certain characteristics or vulnerability that they are aware of, you then become their prey or target because they think they will get away with whatever they do to you. Naivety is one sign they look for. It' s like you have a bullseye on your back. You became their whipping boy, their patsy, the sap they can just dump on in any way they like. You don't matter to them. Not a priority in any way. A nobody that they can take pleasure in treating badly and condescending too. If you are subjected to that for many years and by many people you are in danger of feeling that it's true, because you no longer have any self-confidence, you can lose hope as well as Faith. Emotionally isolating is what many likely choose for protection while they are trying to be resilient in an attempt to move on and keep going with their life. God created us, and God don't make junk. You have worth, you matter, so don't let other people tear you down.
I agree. But after spending years studying the readings of Edgar Cayce, I'm having a hard time wondering why God would allow these people to totally destroy innocent lives. But then again according to Cayce, none of us are innocent, we all chose to force are way from the spiritual into the physical.
All but 1. It's taken 3 years to laugh again, be silly again. My nervous system is a mess and stress impacts me physically...multiple cases of mono, shingles, multiple occurrences of bells palsy. I am now beginning to trust myself again. It's been a long road. Prayers to all of you who have been abused. My situation was about 20 years with a covert narcissist. I couldn't "see" what was happening. Only with the help of a therapist, who recognized what my wife was and what was happening to me, did I make changes to start the process. Thank you, Michelle for your information that you've been sharing over the years.
I understand that! I’m in a 22 year marriage to a suspected covert. I became diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and fibromyalgia, IBS and constant physical ailments within 3 years of marriage. If I didn’t have kids I would have been gone. I’m beating myself up for not leaving sooner. The destruction they leave on you and your kids are heartbreaking 💔
I am 60 years old and had a narcissistic and abusive father. My whole life I was not able to keep up an healthy relationship with a spouse. I have friends and three kids with two men, but I only feel safe being alone. Actually I enjoy being alone and I have decided to stay single the rest of my life! Why? I have been alone all my life and I don’t know how to bond to somebody. May be in my next life!
When I was growing up, all counselors made fun mocking and jeering and bullying people for being this. The narcissistic victim. Then they say you need to take medication to not be a whiny victim. They hold their breath seeing if you’re gonna fall for them. It’s not a good world - There was zero safe place to talk. I’m so thankful for UA-cam . It has been the only way safely to ever heal
Rumination, constant apologies, stopping doing the things you love. Inability to make decisions.... you really do not recognise yourself. Thanks for the validation, it's a really helpful video. Thank you 🙏
Wow You are so blessed to met a therapist who could see that! I was in therapy for 15 years and i even did relationship therapy with the Narc when i still was in the relationship. I always spoke about ‘i am the one that needs to be fixed’ and i talked about the Narc as a God-Like Person. I am 4,5 years out of the Narcissist relationship that lasted 22 years. The Abuse is ongoing through my Children for 4,5 years and i am now finally at a point to get the support with the right people! The system here is not yet build to support co-parenting with a Narc. I am still working on my Self-Doubt, Self-Worth & Self-Identity. My Wish for the future is with me in every minute and God is guiding me towards where I need to Go. I wish you all so much Love & Healing in this Journey ❤️
I still get that feeling. He literally paces the floor around me, following me and looking for something to get at me with. In the mornings and nights are the worst. I get literally jitters and shakes before I go to work in the morning, it’s like being high strung and I drag my feet coming home after work because I never know what I am going to run into.
Sitting in the driveway...after work not wanting to go inside. Trying to avoid the shit tsunami that I might encounter that will, of course, be "my fault."
I learned that during that phase if you literally talk about the most boring stuff you can think of it confuses them and they get tired and move on to do something else. Kinda funny though. Smile it gets better.
I suffer with gastritis and had a mild stroke last year.realy didn't know what i was going through.thought i was loosing mind .am still living it but i pray each day for sanity and strength.
Yes, Gastritis & Gilberts Syndrome both caused by stress. Of course, Narc wouldn't admit that she was the cause of the stress after going behind my back and trying to ruin my relationship with a long term friend.
This made me cry. Family and friends don't understand. I tried therapy but it was sterile, cold, and all that they wanted to do was push pills on me. I needed someone to talk to more than anything. The only place that I have found answers is with these types of videos. It just hurts that no one understands what is going on. I have, however, recently started going for walks again. Thank you very much for putting this video out. God bless you!
No one understands because we live in a world of naive people. Narcissist behavior is so in the wrong and devious and deceptive that it's often impossible to convince people. Just try to take comfort that these character disordered people are finally being exposed. As this information slowly gets out over the years I think therapists of th efuture will be batter prepared. Too many of them do everything by the DSM5 book and the big pharma drug companies were a part of all that.
egg shell terror, heightened vigilance of what's coming, the rage/outburst, anxiety panic attacks, appeasing them constantly, attacked, trauma, no boundaries, lost my way, gaslit, ruminating all the time at the confusion of it all, depression, stuck, just tick to all i think
I never get sick of the phrase "the frog in the boiling pot". It so perfectly describes the slow process of "the boil" and how we normalize bad behaviors from our narcs.
Every night when i heard my fathers car coming down the street, I'd go to my room and close the door. I'd stay there until i heard him leave for karate, then go back when i heard him come home. I DREADED report card time and family dinners. It never mattered how "good" something i did was, something i did was always deemed "unacceptable". I've purposely never used that word with my kids.
Oh my gosh If I get angry back to a certain extent I’ve seen my partner actually smile like he’s literally enjoying or appreciating my angry response. Like I earned a gold star, when I’m just trying to match his energy to try to make him realize how awful he’s being. And its a nightmare, acting opposite of the person I am
Such an eye-opening video! The signs of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome are explained so clearly-super helpful for anyone dealing with toxic relationships. Thank you! 🙌
Thanks for the great video. I have one, I call it dashed expectations. Thinking I could have a nice afternoon with the husband painting our daughters room and remodeling to surprise her. It turned into a nightmare with him grilling me and gaslighting and accusing me of everything under the sun. I had to dry the tears and put on the happy face for my little girl when she got home. It’s so horrendous, they can take a perfectly happy time and destroy it. Keep the videos coming.
Wow! I thought I had done some healing on myself but this is profound. Narcissistic behavior is all over the place. It doesn't have to come from just one person who is abusive in my life. It's all over. I have had doctors and dentists gaslight me. Some people just actually gas light on and off in their personalities. It almost seems like an epidemic in some ways. I'd also like to hear about people's stories who do not deal with gaslighting. Thank you so much
All 23. I grew up in a toxic family. Dad was an acholic and mom basically was there physically but checked out mentially. Phtsical, emotional, verbal, financial abuse. Kept us sheltered Married a Narcissist, I wish I had heard about narcissists. Over 23 Years being married to one. Verbal, physical, emotional, financial, abuse. Courts, extended arm of Emotional, verbal,finanical abuse.
Being raised by a single mother with covert narcissistic tendencies, I naturally became enmeshed in 2 long-term relationships with Narcissists. I’m trying to find peace and happiness and healing.
😢😮I went through a real shock anger rage alone in my home. OMG I replayed in my head the beginnings middle and end if our 15 month relationship. That man strung me along, overtly flirted in my presence until I felt small, confused and was dared not to question it. He told everyone I was the woman of his dreams IMMEDIATELY. Yet he was chumming supplies like a fishermen. I never been with a NARC. He was so charming, chivalrous and sweet for 5 months...then the mask starting slipping. After the ghosting I wrote everything down. Researched online. Now I'm tired of rolling like a pig in his filthy memories for two months. I'm coming back and by next month I'll be even better.
YES!!! The original video you had years ago on this (the 20 symptoms) was what opened my eyes to what the hell I just got out of. This was 2 weeks after I left my abusive ex narc. Your video SAVED me. 😭😭😭😭November 18, 2018 I'm so grateful that you've posted this! ❤❤❤❤
After 30 years since my mom died I finally have the funds to move out and get my own house. For 30 years I've been crying out for help to escape but my remaining family didn't understand the severity of the problem or seem to care. I think they thought it was up to me to fix not understanding the tight control he has on our money. I can thank my uncle Scott (an uncle from my dad's side of the family who lived thousands of miles away) for leaving me his life insurance - being the beneficiary of that life insurance literally is saving my life. I can now rent a place and start a house from scratch at nearly 60 years old.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
OH MY GOODNESS!! Every single one of these hit home and I am so sad, but so grateful for this information. The only thing I would add is if you grew up with a narcissistic parent you may not even know and as an adult another narcissist will be able to abuse you. Thank goodness I'm out and ready to heal.
22:41 I did exactly what you described. I unburied all of the things from childhood and everything through my marriage. It overwhelmed me and my state of mind was not good. The anger, the pain, and resentment was unbearable. I had to forgive them for everything in order to start finding peace. The only one that I haven't fully forgiven is myself but I'm getting there.
After 2 hours of therapy my therapist asked if i had considered a divorce. The narc was sooo much smarter than me so he was the authority on everything. I still had calm reactions because I knew he was trying to make me crazy. I’m unable to cry and all my children have muted emotions because emotions are uncouth and discouraged. At the gym he only works on his shoulders so he can be intimidating as he fills doorways, blocking escape
I have every one of these symptoms. I left my narcissist 1 1/2 years ago after 23 years of marriage, however, leaving has not been enough. Thank you for the validation that I needed that things with my mind and body are still not healed and my current therapies are not working.
Wow this is how CPTSD looks like? Also the explanation was so good... its funny how someone on the other side of the world knows EXACTLY how it feels... to a T. And not many videos are so precise.
Baby steps in the beginning is key! I felt like a whole house fell on my head in the beginning! You tube have been a real life saver for me! From the professional experts to the survivors!
I ended up feeling so bad about myself I was convinced that I was t attractive enough for him to be seen in public with me. The cognitive dissonance was so severe I thought it made sense when he said that I couldn't spend the night bc I couldn't behave long enough to be rewarded with this. It got to the point these things went on so long I wouldn't tell anyone anymore the things he did bc I was so embarrassed that I put up with it for six years. Never, not once in six years did he apologize. Everything was my fault. And I felt in my body that there wasn't one thing about me that mattered and I didn't want to live anymore as a result. Never a compliment, never an apology, talking about my feelings was an immense waste of his time. He made me feel, in every way possible,that I did not matter. And to him I really didn't.
Oh how ID with wht you said currently in a situation where my feelings matter little if AT ALL he can't say it's because of my appearance I lost the weight thts wht 1st husband said and this situation started out wonderful but over 3 yrs it's become a real dredge of emotions 😢anytime anything is done beyond normal for me it's always an emotional price to pay I don't scream/ curse/ even share when I ill unless I require medical care I don't vomit emontonally /psychologically on ppl but he spares no words sharing and most of his anger is directed at me and it's ALL HIGHLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE I WILL NEVER EVER be another relationship after this one ends I'm certain of it
The compass analogy was literally me. I quit my job w/o notice because my mind was spinning. My job was filled with narcissists & covert narcissists and it was hard to function although i made it look like I was normal through my calmness. After I quit, initially I suffered deep regret, shame, and guilt but now I don't cause being in a damaged psychological state puts you under a hypnotic spell. A spell caused by gaslighting. They won't get me like that again. Amazing video Michelle, you dissected everything that I felt but couldn't put into words. Thank you!
My husband is a textbook narcissist and i experience all theses symptoms 24/7. I used to live to dogital scrapbook. He bought a one of a kind computer with 13 terabytes of storage space to store all my digital scrabook supplies. I would scrap early in the morning. It was a way for me to pray and reflect on my faith. After a few months, he would start arguments if i scrapped. He couldnt stand any of my attention going else. 7 years later im selling online as a part-time gig to supplement my full time job. And after helping me set up the business, he complains everytime i pay attention it. I am caring for my mom in my home, 4 dogs and we have a mini homestead. I do most of the house work and cooking. He hasnt worked in a year and a half and i dont expect him to ever work again. Ive let this psychotic drama go on too long.
All 20. You are talking about me. I'm a man of 55 and have recently gone no contact with my older druggy sister, who is a covert narcissist. We both had a malignant narcissist stepmother and co-dependent father. I found Jesus in a big way. I've been baptised and love living alone now, even though I have lived alone for seven years. 🎉
I can relate to every single one of them to the point of flashbacks as you were talking. I left him 2 years ago and the abuse got way worse after leaving. The justice system is incredibly broken. I definitely lost my true myself over the 17 years...and hope in time there will be peace for myself and my children.
Just wow!! I’m so thankful to have just found your channel. I have never heard narcissistic abuse described so clearly. You’re saying everything I have been trying to describe to others and most people absolutely do not comprehend. This even explains so well the trauma symptoms that my two youngest children have from going through the narcissistic abuse right along with me from my husband (their father) . This explains everything that I have been trying to get across for years. Thank you so much.
Vulnerable Narcissist Dad, BPD/APD (diagnosed) Mom. You're hitting the nail on the head. Thanks for laying this out so clearly! I've done so much therapy and even 12 step work. But, I'm back, mid 40s learning more and doing a bit more family of origin work. I only recently began to understand BPD- and the reach within my family history. Breaks my heart that it's so little understood.
Hey guys - don't forget to let me know how many of these symptoms you identify with or any that I missed!!!! Also - as a reminder, if my videos resonate with you and you are ready to do the deep inner work to overcome the side effects, coping skills and cptsd symptoms after narcissistic abuse, I meet live every week with an international group of survivors and we do the inner work together!!! I'll leave the link here for you to check out and see if it might be a good fit for you!!! www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation
It's been a few years now and thought I had fully moved through but every once and awhile I get hit with emotional flashbacks and replaying some fantasy world based fully in cognitive dissonance and healthy doses of euphoric recall Seems to come around once a year or so.
I am sure all 23. I cried through your entire video.
God bless you, beautiful
The fog has to lift. I have a question. Does a flying monkey soon act like a narcissistic?
Your video hit me square beteen the eyes. I feel such relief being able to understand what has happened, but I can sense that there is more to do than feel this relief. I know that I have more work on myself to do. I have gone completely no-contact for the past 3 months, and it has been so good for me. I looked at the school of transformation link, and I cannot find any sign up page... the only place I can get to is the sign in page.
😢I identify with most of them. But I identify some of the narcissistic traits
Another symptom I find to be common is over explanation. You feel the need to always explain your actions and/or feelings to everyone.
😢❤😊
That’s me
yes!!
Omg yes, this used to be me with my family...once I realized how horrible they were treating me everyone was shut out. You should've seen the meltdowns, that' when I truly knew just HOW dysfunctional my family was and still is. It's actually scary and I advise anyone to see professional help for this.
I have this problem horribly
1. Walking on eggshells.
2. hypervigilance
3. Live in fawn/trauma response
4. No boundaries
5. Uncomfortable
6. Gaslighting
7. Depression
8. Fight trauma response
9. Toxic shame
10. Personality changes
11. Confusion
12. Rumination
13. Lost sense of safety
14. Addiction
15. Amnesia
16. Negative beliefs
17. Physical pain
18. You don't recognize yourself
19. I miss me
20. Nervous disorders
Nervous disorders yess that's mee
All of them, for me
Thank you
Thank you
All 20 of these are me. So sad.😢
When your parents (even one of them) are narcissistic or have narcissistic traits, it's impossible to function "normally" in the society, you don’t think like a healthy person, your main goal is- to survive. Because that's how children in toxic families think, survival is the most important, everything else is secondary. That's why you grow very conscious of your environment, you're exhausted, you watch everybody's reaction, you think about every detail of your life and interactions with people, because watching the every reaction of narcissist was the key to get through the day in your childhood and not to get hurt physically or mentally. So when you leave the toxic home you don’t know know what to do with yourself. Some people call it being an empath but I call it being traumatized. It takes the rest of your life to heal from that environment.
💯 relatable. It’s a very alienating experience. I remember a saying, something like.
When you have a good childhood. You use those memories on a bad day to heal.
when you had a traumatic one, you spend the rest of your life healing your childhood.
Oh my God you hit the nail on the head if I don't do that I swear SMH🙄😐
Wow - that's a perfect description, but I didn't fully understand the effects. I coped amazingly well when I look back on it. Until I didn't.
So sorry to hear, I can very much relate - so unfair and wicked
Such a family dynamic can be very similar to being in a Nazi concentration camp 🧐
All the best
💯🎯
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims.
NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's.
However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you.
They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!!
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com.
I’m very grateful for you novel of information and I’m not being sarcastic I’m going though slot and my man is a narcissist I love him so much but it’s affecting me and I can’t even work on myself it’s slowing my progress he means the world to me but at the same time yes he has his own likes but then gets mad at me when mine sent to his interest I just want him to be happy but he won’t do the same for me then want to cause me of cheating when I had done something before we even dated
@@EmbraceDeath420 I really really feel you, my wife Is exactly word for word like the person described were you commented at.
She described literally my life and I felt every word she wrote.
Eventually you will become depressed, empty, lose friends, jobs, opportunities, family, hobby’s, self worth, self devaluation, lose confidence. I can go on and on but break your self free before It’s too late.
Don’t tell your deepest emotions or secrets because they appear to listen at first but they’ll use EVERYTHING against you and will blame you for their disgusting behavior.
Stay strong and crawl slowly out of It.
Take care👊🏿
So So true!!!!😢
I miss me! 😢 I used to have this passion for life!
Same. I want to escape and take my life back.
Very relatable, - your statement. I asked myself just yesterday, "where is the 'old'-me. The one that is so very opposite from the current me..."
❤🙏🏻❤
Can relate.
I know ! I was an artist ❤
It’s why it’s so scary, because sometimes it’s so subtle, it doesn’t feel like abuse. It feels wrong, but not wrong enough to stand up and leave or see it for what it is. You start to wonder if it’s you, your brain or you’re going crazy…. Heartbreaking
I believe the hyper vigilance is what causes so many victims to have chronic health problems like arthritis and chronic fatigue
I believe it's the chronic heartbreak
I've definitely been feeling chronic fatigue
@@CosmicKindness
The Journey
by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.
I agree because I have both and I feel like I could recover and heal if I could live in peace without being attacked and controlled by others.
@@TeaRose9 Hi, I used to have arthritis symptoms all the time when I lived with my narcissist parents, I can remember lying on my bed feeling mu hands throbbing and body aches while they would be in the kitchen screaming at each other over stupid stuff.
Once you get away from all this things will get better. And even if you can't get away, having a different way at looking at it makes a big difference.
What worked for me was seeing a therapist. Once I got my story out and told someone what I had gone through, I could feel myself changing. And my arthritis symptoms disappeared. Holding in emotions of abuse, constant invalidation, gas-lighting and every other damn thing narcissists do to people is the most destructive thing a person can do to themselves.
Here's a poem I've always liked that is about the importance of putting yourself first. ( something narcissists don't want you to do)
It's called The Journey
by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.
In the presence of narcissist you feel saffocated and fearful 😨 in the absence of narcissist you feel relaxed and feel freedom.
This isnwhat I feel when my husband leaves town.
Not true, my abuser is a truck driver. I'm trapped, even when he's gone
Thats how I feel. So much better by myself but lonely but she makes it impossible to leave because she leaves her things here just to have an excuse to come baçk.
2 years on without him & I feel like I'm in prison. I'm doing it to myself. At least, no more eggshells.
I feel like the sun went dim when he discarded me but I am more relaxed.
I believe a toxic family system with narcissism caused my severe fibromyalgia at a very young age. To this day, they accuse me of faking my pain. I just went through an aggressive form of cancer. They called me a liar and ignored me.
They never change. But I have. And I'm enjoying a quiet life in Costa Rica. 🌺
You go young lady and you do what you're supposed to do. And eat more meat while you're at it it'll keep the fibromyalgia pain away from you. I was amazed when I went the carnivore away.
😢❤😊
@@terrilynnshoemaker5000 I'm a pesco-vegetarian, but I do eat a healthy high-protein diet. Even when I ate meat my FM was unbearable. I truly believe trauma caused it, at least partially.
Meat isn’t good
@@Kathy-qu8zj Very true! There are better ways to get your nutrients without the heart disease, cardiovascular issues, stroke, cancer, etc.
The anxiety before he gets home makes me feel real bad like I’m doing something wrong
Wow I can relate. How does one feel oddly guilty for the dread you feel because your real life nightmare will be coming through the door soon? Feeling bad because you feel bad that you aren’t awaiting with open arms for your loved one who CHOOSES to yo yo you love, hate, live, hate. Confusion
and you're surly gonna get caught. :(
You need to leave. I know it's easier said than done, but you are responsible for removing yourself from situations that are making you that unwell.
I get so anxious and scared before mine comes home 😢
You are loved u are important is not u is them u can do it keep going ❤
I have all these symptoms that you spoke about....don't forget about making you dependant on them financially
Exactly
Yep
I was never allowed to open any bank statements. I wasn't to know how much money we had. I had to beg for grocery money, then had to produce the receipt and justify everything I purchased. I had to account for and return any change I got.
@@trishabiesinger yes, exactly! we were together 25+ years...from day one, he handled finances...which i was fine with, assuming he was planing for our future. Come to find out, he and his mistress of 10 YEARS had been hiding money (he made 6 figures yet we couldn't "afford" to fix my broken oven...i had to cook our dinners in a small toaster oven)...so my assumption that he was planning for our future (as discussed) was based on trust. Misplaced trust. Now I'm 58 years old, no work experience to show for the last 20 years, and so broke i'm having to stay on my 80 year old mother's couch for the last year. Anytime I asked to see our financial situation (what's coming in...what's going out...what can i do to help our financial health?) he'd always get defensive - why didn't I trust him? is there not a roof over my head? etc. (Sorry, I truly think i have to write a book, but I just can't even put into words 25 years of mental torture.
Thinking being a stay home mom was wonderful until you realize that the truth is i can't make what he makes so you stay because he's not "abusive"
I have been left feeling sad and depressed every time I think about how bad these people treated me.
Remember….the way they treated u is their problem, not urs. U tried to show them how u want to be treated by being kind and forgiving….and that’s all u can do…their problem with u has nothing to do with u…but rather it being their projection of themselves onto u, their scapegoat. Just refuse to react and give them vagueness as a response and indifference….theyre the problem not u…learn who u are and work in healing u….away from them
@w8what575 That was really beautiful. How you explain that? Thank you made me feel better. It's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. I just fell in love with the man. I thought was amazing. My same values and morals. Of course, it wasn't true. Thank you again god bless you❤
It had nothing to do with you most likely. Took me a lot of years to realize that. Look at who you are as a person. Is it bad or is it good? You know your intentions and if they are good then what's really wrong with you? Nothing.
I am a 50-year-old who grew up in narcissistic home and I am here to tell you you can survive and you can overcome a lot of hurdles. The pain won't leave, but I have found peace. The peace comes from knowing it had nothing to do with me. Once I realize what was going on, I realize that there was something my mother was suffering with that she never dealt with. I worked for my mom for 20 years in hvac and I became journeyman lead installer for her. She eventually gave the business to my brother and secretary. My brother is an alcoholic who's never had his drivers license since teen anyway. My mom always catered to him and she gave him the business. He's trying to recruit me as I recently lost my job. He keeps telling me to help me. The real reason is because he needs help. He doesn't want me to know because I was very verbal about being hurt. He keeps telling me he put 30 years in and for some reason my 20 years isn't anything and he wants me to believe that. I brought up what happened and why I will not help him or why I will not accept his help whatever he wants to call it.. I was then called B word and reminded. I took a snapshot of that B word and let him know. This is exactly my problem and I will not go back to environment where it wasn't wanted in the first place. He was very upset and I told him. Yep, now you get to chew on those feelings for about three years before I come and ask you to help me now. He couldn't understand. I had to swallow the fact that everybody shafted me after 20 years of hard work for three years before he came and asked me for help which tells me that I am worthy in their eyes they just intentionally don't want you to know because then you have control. I wasn't worthy back then. It's all a game you see.
Just stop playing their game . I use the word" Unacceptable" quite a bit nowadays or " I'm only responsible for my intentions and I'm not responsible for how you interpret that." They really don't know how to respond when you say those things. That's letting them know that they're twisted mine is not affecting you. I've learned it works, but doesn't make it completely go away. You have to be OK with walking away and having them be mad at you or disapprove. They will always disapprove when you walk away. You got to learn to walk away with that chin up letting them know this game is over. Don't even talk to him after that don't listen to their excuses or the daggers that you're gonna eat. Shut the switch off walk away until they can behave. If you have to walk away permanently, so to save your own sanity.
You will not change anyone of them .❤
Me too. The damage that weak, pathetic man child inflicted on me is something I feel so ashamed of alongside the wreckage of my life.
Will I ever be normal again?
That's the question we ask ourselves after we realize what is going on.
Narcs are bad programmers of children, with bits of bad code causing problems. It can't be completely erased, so the right approach is to shrink it down so small, the real you shines through.
Im shocked
Normal ,Is to vague , We will not get back what was takin from our selfs and children .But like living through a war. We will make the best of it . Don't give up .But don't forget yourself either , I'm going through the father there for them from day one ,Two the alienated one ,It's hard ,But getting better ,And I don't see that stoping , Unless the attacker goes away some how , Then could be fixed :/ but uu know
What’s normal abuse was happening every year of MyLife there’s nothing to recover to
Overtime we can get stronger. From here on out we need to have zero tolerance for people that try to abuse us. Keep strong boundaries and make people earn your trust! Me personally I’d rather be a loner than deal with toxic abusive people!
It's been made crystal clear to me that my needs are unimportant.
Yep since CHILDHOOD I found out at age 4 I was unimportant and I was reminded multiple times a week tht wht I needed or dared to need wasn't important NOW my sister & later my brother their needs were important but me HOW DARE I NEED O2
Oh boy did this resonate 😢
Say it louder for the people in the back, bc you just shared some serious truth. 💯🎯
Therapist: “you do realize you’re in an abusive relationship, right?”
Brain: *”after so much gas lighting, I had no self-trust.”*
I kept second guessing my thoughts that I was (clearly) in an abusive relationship with a narcopath. How could I not know?
I am struggling with self-doubt and guilt. I find it difficult to trust my own judgment and often feel like I am lying or manipulating others, even when I know that what I am saying is true. I believe this may be due to the negative things my adoptive parents said about my biological mother when I was younger. They frequently told me that she was a liar and a manipulator, and warned me not to be like her. As a result, I have internalized these beliefs and now struggle to trust myself. This makes it challenging for me to navigate my life and relationships.
@@melissamason2983 from all of the research I’ve been doing lately, I hope you find some comfort when I say this is EXTREMELY COMMON ♥️
Baby steps... It's what I took! I literally had to force myself to get up, stay up and, I actually began making plans without the lead weight. After all when he's around no one can have an opinion, a request or any attention paid to the plan whatsoever. It was all what he wanted, when he wanted, where and, with whom! It became easier and very clear that I was done! I silently enlisted a few of my family members to come pick me up and, I began coming and going as I pleased! It was after all my home, not a shack up... 8 years I'd run him off only to be love bombed and gaslighted so many times. I pulled the rug and myself right out from under his spell and, by the grace of God he has stopped just dropping by. I actually hid inside my room of my home pretending to not be home more than once... lol not funny but a little scary! Now, I still avoid him in any situation. I'd never met a covert narcissist before 2016 -2024 .... but in my opinion... I'd call him a PSYCHOPATH most likely the same only narcissist is far worse, I think. 😢😶😎
gosh - it is too painful to realise what has happened after 30 years and now no one will believe me. I was not the issue but I was severely & mercilessly trashed
Me, found out after 43 yrs married
20yrs here @LeticiaGarza1
I found out after 31 years. Made me very sick to my stomach. It totally made sense as to what I was married to. He passed away 2 years after I found out. I did take care of him to the very end and took good care of him. Even dying of cancer, I was hoping I would get closure. I didn’t. He cheated through our whole marriage and in the end, he told me about the sex he had with a couple of them that I knew. They don’t get nicer and they don’t give you closure. Sorry to tell you this, but it is how my narcissist was.
@@dietdrpepper090337 years here...
" the symptoms are like tracking animals ".
Yes it is. Demons leave their prints. Amazing how we all have the same symptoms .
Yes i think it's amazing and horrible that these demons in people's skin all behvae the same way to their victims and that the trauma presents almost the same in people who were abused by them. Its sad. The Narcissist is really like a demon in human skin.
The feelings of worthlessness have never left me and I don't think they ever will. I used to be slim and pretty but I have become ugly beyond words and I don't have the strength to get back from this. I feel so worthless.
For anyone who has survived this, your story is not over, and you were NEVER crazy. This is something that happened to you and taking back your life IS possible. If you feel alone read the comments, your not and I'm praying for you. 🙏✝️💚
Thank you as a HSP I can say I know my narcissist was also a sadist, I have never seen him happier than when I displayed emotional pain.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on.
Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule.
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me.
Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style.
As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake.
Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen.
Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it.
NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping
Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift.
You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya!
Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you.
Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others.
Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings.
Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible.
Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening.
Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck
Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish.
Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyClubLLC@gmail. com
“I miss me” becomes more like “I have yet to meet me” for someone who was not allowed to develop a self. I grew up with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits, and a couple older brothers with narcisistic personality disorder. I was “the baby of the family” and seemed to be made a special project by them. I am trying to recall a moment that I can identify and say with certainty, that was me! So it’s maybe a little more frightening reality for me who experienced this in my formative years. But Michele, just by me listening to your videos, you are helping me greatly in my journey. After fifty and some odd years of confusion, pain, and self searching, I’m only just now starting understanding a lot of this. I can’t explain the profound depth of loss I am feeling. My identity was stolen away. I know there must be hope even for me. I’m not going to give up, that’s a promise I’ve made myself.
My older brother was highly narcissistic as well and I was the youngest so I get what you mean. They crush your spirit daily so by the time you are an adult you just don’t even know who you are.
Yes...we have to meet us... and after decades of having missed us this is a big deal... I thought I had made these understandings and steps, but actually everything concerning narcisstic abuse during my whole life comes out and needs really to be "seen, understood, accepted" to let it go forever ...
I wish you good luck, strength and hope... we will make it !🎉
Wow! I feel the exact same way. In 48 years I never got to develop or know who I am. My identity was robbed. Less than 30 days of no contact and now I can start healing. I actually feel selfish for trying and wanting to heal though.
I feel for you. This makes me worry about my grandson, who lives with his narcissistic mother.. my husband and I raised him from birth until 6 years old. She abused us, and her actions stressed out my husband, her father, so bad that it killed him. We couldn't get custody of him because she made sure we became homeless.
@@humbleheart1000Somebody said something that really resonated with me. We get sucked into over-empathizing with our abuser, and it leaves us under-empathizing with ourselves. Where we would give someone else encouragement to take time to care for themselves and heal, because we empathize with them, it's hard to give ourselves that same empathy and care because our self-empathy belongs to someone else. It's a challenge to unlearn that.
This brought me to tears. I am cracked wide open. You put it into words.
Feeling unloved - that does something to you...but he would never admit that he is not capable of love...instead he pretends, and this hypocrisy makes a person so sick
My moms told me I WAS the reason her & my dad couldn't make friends 😮😢 I stopped reporting to her the times I was abused
I have completely walled off as far as ever dating again. After 17 years of marriage to a man that was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder +3 years of dating him prior to marriage, + 3 wonderful kids together, I will never put my whole self into a relationship again. All trust is gone. I'm way too jaded. Wouldn't want to put that on someone else. It took me 4 years to de-program from him. Dated 2 guys post divorce & both also had narcissistic personalities. I then realized I was attracted to that type for a reason. Therapist told me I was codependent. So I stopped dating all together to get my own head on straight. I'm happily single now for 5 years. Will probably be single forever. No one can understand what its like to be with a narcissist until they've been through it. It has enormous long term effects on your psyche.
It does have long term effect on your life. I just want it to go away stop ...I want to live without all these worries.
Same I'm currently in a relationship tht started off " wonderful" but slowly has gone dwn hill and is borderline emontonally abusive I had a severely abusive childhood and early marriage tht lasted 15yrs I had swore off relationships & dating but met current person and took a chance and 3yrs later I'm sadly at the point where I'm on YT looking at signs of emontonal abuse videos I'm terribly sad at this point AND HE DOESNT AND WONT CARE he's too wrapped up in his world even his moms realized how verbally aggressive he is she spoke to me about it I'm so so sad this had so much hope it's dead & dying from my point of view he will justify in his mind he's right he is always right any input results in anger so I stopped responding long ago I've spent the day in & out of crying spells after a hellish day of him doing me a favor of taking me to a medical appointment 😢 I'm so incredibly sad I have expressed this to shrink and he won't increase antidepressants I'm so trapped I will NEVER BE IN a another relationship after this ends
@@Jenny-uv4dl I’m sad to hear your situation but you must leave asap. I relate to you .. I hope you could figure it out very soon and leave your husband. I did it and it was the only way out of this narcissistic abuse. You shouldn’t live life not happy and content with yourself. You have to take life by the horns and leave go! You have to boss up and not be scared to leave everything behind. You have to start new be ready get up and go. Antidepressants pill are not the solution. You have to be up and alert to be gone from this person bf, husband, partner. I am (9) months no contact with the abuser Ex partner. I feel free…no more psychotic moods from him no more verbal abuse either. Stop the crying spells. Just be strong and take the steps …
@Jenny-uv4dl I hope you find the strength to leave...more like run for your life!!
Gosh, I’ve been with my narc for 30 years. I’m so broken. I have four more years before I can leave him. I pray I can make it.
I identify with all of the signs you mention. One annoying trait I have developed is being easily startled. For example: if someone walks into a room or even speaks unexpectedly , I will almost jump out of my skin. My heart rate will increase, and I will have to control my breathing. Sometimes, I will start to tremble. This is considered hilarious by some people, and they will deliberately jump out on me or shout boo to induce the reaction. I get why it's so funny to them, but it is inconvenient to me. Thanks for your insightful videos x
Omg I hate how much other folks laugh at it. Is it men? I’m a woman and it was always only guys who thought it was hilarious. It stopped when I was able to flip my freeze to fight. Once I went from facing to full on aggressive aggressive, they stopped playing games like that.
Oh you just described me. I guess I'm not alone anymore.
Ask the people who are delibetately startling you to stop. Its grossly unfair of them to cause you distress for theor own warped gratification - set a boundary.
@elizabethsimpson7464 I was listening for this symptom in the video. The heightened startle reflex started shortly after I moved in with my husband. Everything felt off. It was years before I associated it with PTSD. I would jump & yelp when another car came up on the passenger side (my side) as we drove on the highway. Another symptom was how disoriented I felt. Sometimes I needed to use GPS to find my way back to the interstate. I no longer recognized myself less than 2 years after getting married. Only someone who has lived it can truly understand. Hope that you are healing and giving yourself some grace❤
Startling is the worst; have spoken out loud & the sound of my own voice; startled me
❤every single one! 15 years of marriage and I escaped three months ago. Leaving everything behind was worth it. I was actually physically dying the week before I left- I had even started having seizures from the panic attacks just from hearing his footsteps. Thank you for your video, you were very detailed and informative. I hope everyone out there going through this, finds this video and gets away. I’m in my late 50’s and I feel that even though I’m feeling better, I am damaged so badly that I will spend the rest of my life single due to trust issues.
Oh Brigette, take good care of yourself .I’m married to a narcissist and know exactly what you are going through.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
After 25 years living in a narcissistic marriage... Once we left, my health went down and down till I nearly died, several times. I was exhausted mentally from the constant abuse and crulity. The best thing I ever did was take our 2 children away to a better life. ❤
me now at 28 yrs..but i cant find a way out
oh honey - i'm with you. 25+ years for me too. Cruel and abusive...and I didn't even know about narcissism. After he abandoned me for his 10 year mistress (and had been hiding money), I was so ill, I had finally gotten to the point that I was waiting to die. Too weak to do it myself...but just...WAITING TO DIE. (the details have so many tentacles I'll spare you!). I spent the next 2 years (stranded at a little house that was actually crumbling...no transportation...family 1000 miles away...in a strange town alone) rotting away. Once my family drove out (uninvited) to see why i had gone radio silent for several months, they intervened and somehow (i don't remember any of this) I ended up back in my hometown, sleeping on my mother's couch. At 58 years old. That was a year ago. And while the CPTSD has really attacked my body and brain, like you, I know now that leaving was the best thing I ever did. I'm still homeless and jobless, and broke after the divorce, but happier than ever. God bless you, Kathryn...live your best life away from your tortuous, soul-crushing narx relationship. xoxoxo
I hope you are recovering as well as you can .❤❤❤❤
I did 20 years also. Sending you so much love and light
I am going through all of them . After 13 years in that relationship, the worse part is that nobody in my family understands my situation 😢I feel I am alone fighting to be free from this
I was in a 17 yr marriage exactly like that. I left 3 years ago.
2:12 The term “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome” is a term that should be used consistently by therapist not occasionally.
The hard part is when you become like a turtle or freeze, and then others in your life tell you that you have disappointed them when your cup is overflowing with stress while you are running on fumes. Others keep telling you to just be positive, and you feel like a failure. You cry out for help, and feel no one hears you or people break confidences and inflame the narcissist.
Horrible and alone
I can relate to every word of this during a previous relationship. Both of my uncles told my father I was becoming a loser. My X wasn’t diagnosed, but sure seemed to have BPD and pretty sure both my bosses (brothers) had NPD. Life was a living hell.
Everyone told me I was in an abusive relationship but I didn’t believe it and I was unable to leave for such a long time. I knew this behavior wasn’t healthy and I was living in fear for years. When he was done with me, he kicked me out with nothing am
Nd told me “I don’t owe you anything” He got everyone to hate me and left me broke, then he told people I left him but the truth is he was with another woman. The scars left behind are 1). Low self esteem 2). Living in fear all the time. 3). Distrust of everyone and everything that people say 4). Isolation and finding comfort in being alone. 5). Depression and anxiety. When someone calls you names everyday, yells at you everyday, tells you you are always wrong, tells you you do nothing right, and cheats on you and attacks you every day, it makes you feel like such a bad person. 6). Lack of boundaries 7). Loss of trust within yourself and your gut instinct and needing people to tell you what to do all the time. 8). Toxic shame and feeling bad about yourself. 9). Not being able to smile anymore, lack of fun in life. 10). Constantly having negative thoughts due to trying to make meaning out of what has happened without finding any solutions to the problems. 11). Feeling stuck without being able to take action. The worst part is that due to lack of trust, you can’t go to a counselor because you don’t trust anyone. 12). Feeling like you are a bad person and I don’t matter to anyone. How do you heal from this if you can’t go to a therapist because you don’t trust people anymore?
Omg-- I never knew, I lived with this for almost fifty years. My husband died last year and I was basically his nurse while he self destructed. I simply stopped caring about his rages. I walked away and there was nothing he could do. But I still trying to understand myself. He’s gone, but there’s still pain
So very true. I am on survival mode 24/7 around these people.
Omg I'm bawling like a baby. I thought I was actually going crazy. Wow. It's a thing
I'm having all kind of mix emotions... I swear I thought I was going crazy!!! I was starting to believe "it's all me" while knowing it's not really me.
It's like it's all a bad dream!!! And the most confusing part is that part of me still "feels" that I love him. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??????
@@y.w1544 The "love" you still feel for him is called a TRAUMA BOND. There are tons of videos on the subject; if you do a search you can learn more about it and how to break that bond.
Me too! Bawling my eyes out like crazy 😢
I remember after the breakup i was on high alert. If someone knocked on my door I felt like a terrorist attack was happening. When I was outside of my house I felt so paranoid that something bad was fixing to happen. Always looking over my shoulder. I’m 6’2” and 250 pounds. I’m not usually a scared person lol. I went to a very good therapist and I’m 2 years out from the narcissist and never felt so good about myself. Your information is very helpful to remember where I was.
Yes I read in a comment over explaining . This video in listening I realize I'm not alone.
Thankyou.
I have every single symptoms you've described.. it's finding the assistance that's affordable and finding someone that understands
6 minutes in and I feel like I need to take a break and come back to it because it brings up too many memories. I was pretty much surrounded by narcissists as a child sexually groomed by 2 different adults. Somehow I was groomed into believing I was in a relationship but it was really sexual abuse and the fawning thing was what I think made me ignore so many things that were obviously so wrong. I want to watch this but I will have to do it at a later time. I don’t know why I even typed this but I’m struggling with PTSD and I’ve been free from the abuse for almost 7 years.
After 13 years of absolute torment, I’m finally finding my way back to freedom. We share a child, so it’s complicated. But he’s out of household now. Healing will take years. I will never fully be free of him and I worry for my Daughter. But I will navigate this the best I can and finally break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction.
I've been telling friends, I have ptsd in a joking way. But in fact, it's not a joke. It's real. Thank you. I left 5 days ago.
I actually think often a narcissist can regulate their emotions. They just have a strong sense of entitlement, and superiority and require that sense of dominance to be maintained. They also lack a lot of sympathetic empathy for other. They can understand how others feel to an extent, they just don’t care much.
They definitely can. Send them to psych ward. They become so regulated they get out in a day with rave reviews.
@@mandytattoos3685 Lol
Why is there so much attention paid to how to get these monsters back in your life after they leave?😂
They do not independently regulate their emotions. They manipulate people & situations to fuel their perception, which alters their emotions. That's not self regulation. If they believe it benefits them, they can control some behaviors, temporarily. They must have outlets. They explode eventually. Someone who can regulate their own emotions can learn, grow, and heal. That's not what the narc does.
right? 😑
Most therapists don’t understand this. Thank for making this content.
My therapist gaslighted me. Sent me into a far darker place for a decade. Hearing Michele, I feel so sad for my younger self - if my therapist had just given me this information when I needed it most (I remember begging this therapist for support, while she acted bored and shamed me instead!), I would have found my way to a better place much sooner and not lost my younger years to the hell that followed! I am still glad, however, that later, I got the help I needed and now look foward to a far more tranquil middle age.:)
She might have been a narc herself or just incompetent.
My problem was not even be able to recognize a toxic therapist.
My own parents acted bored, shameful of me every second of a day. I grew numb to it, and just accept bad treatment as abuse was all I’ve known. It was my reality. So that led to more issues, no boundaries for myself. I would’ve returned to the same doctor, which I have before. I would mistake people taking advantage of me vs actual care.
I could not tell. My brain was so easily manipulated by anyone at that age.
It’s through no one able to help us , reject us when most vulnerable, that got to us helping ourselves. So I guess that’s the positive thing in it.
Im so sorry you went through this. That therapist should be reported, she sounds horrible and unfit to be in the mental health community. I hope things get better for you and that you meet a caring empathic therapist who is professional and that these videos help a great deal with your healing. No one should have to go through what you did. 💕
Sounds like most therapists are toxic. They just get off on thinking they are smarter than everyone else.
Many of these people (therapists etc) have never been taught anything about Narcissism either!
I identify with every single symptom. You nailed it. After 30 years, I don't know how to develop a support system of friends, or find a knowledgable therapist. I feel permantenly stuck, and living life is so hard.
Never allowed to shine! If I was teaching a Sunday class, he’d have to leave. He could not stand to watch me ever do well.
And it also worked out so he had time to get together with the current supply
I did a fitness competition once and my narcissistic mother was screaming so loudly in the audience trying to put other people down and bring me up that it made everyone uncomfortable the judges were annoyed by it. It was very awkward for me. I also had a public speaking seminar once and she was in the front row making it about her she literally got up and turned around and said I’m her mother and then was bowing down😂
I keep going through narcissist hurt over and over again. I’m at this point where I’m so numb. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I walked away from a narcissistic friendship and it hurt so much and I feel like I’m back at square one. I also live in a narcissistic household. Before I thought I had that friends support so it was easy to navigate but then after getting treated really badly by that person it just made me spiral. I’m just in a numb place now. I just want to heal but I know that’s going to take time. I feel like I don’t even want to get close to anyone anymore. I just wanna be alone. I’m in pain but I can’t even feel that anymore…
I don’t matter, I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me is always what I’ve felt. I developed allergies to gluten,animals, plants. My nervous system is still disrupted after 48 years of abuse from all NPD family and significant others. I am fighting an addiction to sugar & flour. I have PTSD and flashbacks. I’ve gained 170 pounds since I was 18. Thank you for sharing. I’m currently reading “It’s Not You” by Dr Ramani. I’m hating this healing process….facing the facts and all the pain. I do need therapy. ❤ Time to take my life back reminds me of the “Fight Song”.
Dr. Ramani, is very knowledgeable. But, she gives me anxiety. Her manner keeps you in high alert. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s true for me. I had found trauma had really caused damage and even removed or killed some of my brain functions. It’s a long process, which I’ve done with very little outside help. Lots of help from professionals online. The worst thing that ever happened to me, turned out to be the best thing…for the rest of my life! Much love
Eat mostly keto this will help you heal physically and study spirituality this will heal you mentally 💝
Good luck ❤look after yourself well
@@UrDominioNI agree about ms Ramani.. she gives me the Ick.. her personality reminds of my narc mother.. and she refuses to answer pointed questions and acts very disrespectful imo.
@@Realalma , i’m not knocking her… I’m just saying she’s wasn’t good for my narcissistic trauma. I gotta give her props though she was one of the few that I found that were any good.Much love
“I miss me” Because of very recent discovery of Self, I thought, “I’ve only just got here, why put me in a box?” This helped me see what was happening. It took me 40 years to even realize my true self. And I was giving it all away. All this helped me to end contact. And she hated my self awareness.
All of them! I’ve been away for 8 years now. I’m still not better. I have agoraphobia, an autoimmune disease, depression, panic disorder and the list goes on. I can’t find a therapist who knows anything about narcissistic abuse.
I have no family or friends who truly understand. I’ve asked for help with certain things and no one will. Having been the “helper” for all of my life this is hard to understand.
Start dealing with your inner childhood traumas. It'll reveal how you've became an Empath. Empaths attract narcissistic ppl
You're not alone I feel you I'm your mirror image I have the same identical stuff going on and I just stay to myself and hide and I don't want to be around anybody that way nobody can blame me about anything don't want to hear it and the less they know about me the better because narcissists have a way of using your information against you and twisting it all kinds of ways to suit their needs and to destroy you with your own information and even with the love that you have in your heart they try to destroy you with that too unbelievable SMH my problem was that I used all the negative energy they gave me to fight back physically emotionally and mentally legally you name it I thought back with everything I had in me to the point where exhausted me and I end up with all kinds of health issues but I'm bouncing back now but man I gave them hell and they know how to stay far away from me with the nonsense
This as dead on in every single point.thank you
The helper never gets helped, and we will never get treated the way that we treat everyone else. But maybe that's just my narcissistic abuse childhood talking
Same .
I've just had a realization on my run this morning that I'm always playing victim, as a way to keep everyone away so I don't get hurt. Then boom. This pops up. I'm 20/20 on this list.
"Being me brings about pain." Wow, that one hit. 💛🙏✝️
I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and divorced him. My mother has been married to my narcissistic father for 76 years. Last month she had an adverse reaction to a BP med and ended up on a ventilator. After that rehab. She told me she never wanted to see him again. He became enraged and cut up some of her clothes before I was able to move her personal belongings. Yesterday, she went into Hospice because of complications from the ventilator at her age. After decades around this narcissist, I can say all 20 were on our list.
Raised by a mom who was a narcissist set me up to marry narcissistic men I am just now realizing and putting words to the things that I have gone through.I am so much stronger now but I'm still battling this narcissistic demonstrates in my current marriage. I now know what I'm dealing with it has brought sanity to me
Oh no, I am so sorry ❤
You are being slowly demolished. Knowing is the first step not the last that you should take. Much love
Wow how long did it take tounderstand that your mon was a narcissist and why did you marry the same
@@richardknezevic7371 I learned at the age of 75. I married my mom because that is what I knew. I foolishly expected that we could keep the highs and eliminate the lows. I passed on some good ones because steady and reliable was boring.
I am learning that if one parent choose to live or married a narcissistic person,
It means that it has begun with someone in the generation.
So that means the generation curse needs to be broken
Narcissistic damage, whether it's in a relationship or from people you encounter throughout your life, can crush your self esteem and keep you in a constant state of stress because you have to constantly guard yourself from being attacked mentally and emotionally. This also has an effect on your physical health. I think you may have certain characteristics or vulnerability that they are aware of, you then become their prey or target because they think they will get away with whatever they do to you. Naivety is one sign they look for. It' s like you have a bullseye on your back. You became their whipping boy, their patsy, the sap they can just dump on in any way they like. You don't matter to them. Not a priority in any way. A nobody that they can take pleasure in treating badly and condescending too.
If you are subjected to that for many years and by many people you are in danger of feeling that it's true, because you no longer have any self-confidence, you can lose hope as well as Faith. Emotionally isolating is what many likely choose for protection while they are trying to be resilient in an attempt to move on and keep going with their life.
God created us, and God don't make junk. You have worth, you matter, so don't let other people tear you down.
Yup!!!
I agree. But after spending years studying the readings of Edgar Cayce, I'm having a hard time wondering why God would allow these people to totally destroy innocent lives. But then again according to Cayce, none of us are innocent, we all chose to force are way from the spiritual into the physical.
@Shadowman... Because God gave us the very gracious gift of free will. It's up to us not to be total assholes to each other.
This information was well presented.
I will say the appearance of some people does change when they're with a narcissist.
All but 1. It's taken 3 years to laugh again, be silly again. My nervous system is a mess and stress impacts me physically...multiple cases of mono, shingles, multiple occurrences of bells palsy. I am now beginning to trust myself again. It's been a long road. Prayers to all of you who have been abused. My situation was about 20 years with a covert narcissist. I couldn't "see" what was happening. Only with the help of a therapist, who recognized what my wife was and what was happening to me, did I make changes to start the process. Thank you, Michelle for your information that you've been sharing over the years.
I understand that! I’m in a 22 year marriage to a suspected covert. I became diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and fibromyalgia, IBS and constant physical ailments within 3 years of marriage. If I didn’t have kids I would have been gone. I’m beating myself up for not leaving sooner. The destruction they leave on you and your kids are heartbreaking 💔
I am 60 years old and had a narcissistic and abusive father. My whole life I was not able to keep up an healthy relationship with a spouse. I have friends and three kids with two men, but I only feel safe being alone. Actually I enjoy being alone and I have decided to stay single the rest of my life! Why? I have been alone all my life and I don’t know how to bond to somebody. May be in my next life!
When I was growing up, all counselors made fun mocking and jeering and bullying people for being this. The narcissistic victim.
Then they say you need to take medication to not be a whiny victim.
They hold their breath seeing if you’re gonna fall for them.
It’s not a good world -
There was zero safe place to talk.
I’m so thankful for UA-cam . It has been the only way safely to ever heal
Rumination, constant apologies, stopping doing the things you love. Inability to make decisions.... you really do not recognise yourself. Thanks for the validation, it's a really helpful video. Thank you 🙏
Wow You are so blessed to met a therapist who could see that! I was in therapy for 15 years and i even did relationship therapy with the Narc when i still was in the relationship. I always spoke about ‘i am the one that needs to be fixed’ and i talked about the Narc as a God-Like Person. I am 4,5 years out of the Narcissist relationship that lasted 22 years. The Abuse is ongoing through my Children for 4,5 years and i am now finally at a point to get the support with the right people! The system here is not yet build to support co-parenting with a Narc. I am still working on my Self-Doubt, Self-Worth & Self-Identity. My Wish for the future is with me in every minute and God is guiding me towards where I need to Go. I wish you all so much Love & Healing in this Journey ❤️
I still get that feeling. He literally paces the floor around me, following me and looking for something to get at me with. In the mornings and nights are the worst. I get literally jitters and shakes before I go to work in the morning, it’s like being high strung and I drag my feet coming home after work because I never know what I am going to run into.
Make arrangements. Remove yourself.
Sitting in the driveway...after work not wanting to go inside. Trying to avoid the shit tsunami that I might encounter that will, of course, be "my fault."
You deserve love and respect, and to feel safe in your own home. I know it is not simple to get away, but I am rooting for you.
I learned that during that phase if you literally talk about the most boring stuff you can think of it confuses them and they get tired and move on to do something else. Kinda funny though. Smile it gets better.
You have my permission to leave, and don't ever look in the rear view mirror. ❤
I suffer with gastritis and had a mild stroke last year.realy didn't know what i was going through.thought i was loosing mind .am still living it but i pray each day for sanity and strength.
Yes, Gastritis & Gilberts Syndrome both caused by stress. Of course, Narc wouldn't admit that she was the cause of the stress after going behind my back and trying to ruin my relationship with a long term friend.
I was diagnosed with a whole autoimmune disease. Clear of NARC 3yrs but my body still was in fight/flight.
Same.
sigh. sorry sis😢 love you both❤
Same. Lupus & severe solar uticadia, amongst others. Praying for healing, and creating, developing & deepening new & existing relationships.
We are warriors yall.. we got this together💯❣️ thank you for your kind words and I'm so sorry for yall going thru this. ❤️ 🤗
Same
This made me cry. Family and friends don't understand. I tried therapy but it was sterile, cold, and all that they wanted to do was push pills on me. I needed someone to talk to more than anything. The only place that I have found answers is with these types of videos. It just hurts that no one understands what is going on. I have, however, recently started going for walks again. Thank you very much for putting this video out. God bless you!
No one understands because we live in a world of naive people. Narcissist behavior is so in the wrong and devious and deceptive that it's often impossible to convince people. Just try to take comfort that these character disordered people are finally being exposed. As this information slowly gets out over the years I think therapists of th efuture will be batter prepared. Too many of them do everything by the DSM5 book and the big pharma drug companies were a part of all that.
egg shell terror, heightened vigilance of what's coming, the rage/outburst, anxiety panic attacks, appeasing them constantly, attacked, trauma, no boundaries, lost my way, gaslit, ruminating all the time at the confusion of it all, depression, stuck, just tick to all i think
This really helped me to understand why I'm stuck in the abuse cycle. Thank you 😊
Good God, Woman. You understand, and you can share so clear.
I never get sick of the phrase "the frog in the boiling pot". It so perfectly describes the slow process of "the boil" and how we normalize bad behaviors from our narcs.
Every night when i heard my fathers car coming down the street, I'd go to my room and close the door. I'd stay there until i heard him leave for karate, then go back when i heard him come home. I DREADED report card time and family dinners. It never mattered how "good" something i did was, something i did was always deemed "unacceptable". I've purposely never used that word with my kids.
Oh my gosh
If I get angry back to a certain extent I’ve seen my partner actually smile like he’s literally enjoying or appreciating my angry response. Like I earned a gold star, when I’m just trying to match his energy to try to make him realize how awful he’s being. And its a nightmare, acting opposite of the person I am
It’s freaking bonkers how accurately you explain me! Thank you for validation and helping people heal.
Such an eye-opening video! The signs of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome are explained so clearly-super helpful for anyone dealing with toxic relationships. Thank you! 🙌
Thanks for the great video. I have one, I call it dashed expectations. Thinking I could have a nice afternoon with the husband painting our daughters room and remodeling to surprise her. It turned into a nightmare with him grilling me and gaslighting and accusing me of everything under the sun. I had to dry the tears and put on the happy face for my little girl when she got home. It’s so horrendous, they can take a perfectly happy time and destroy it. Keep the videos coming.
I relate with this way too much. The worst part is looking back to see all the time I wasted on that person.
Wow! I thought I had done some healing on myself but this is profound. Narcissistic behavior is all over the place. It doesn't have to come from just one person who is abusive in my life. It's all over. I have had doctors and dentists gaslight me. Some people just actually gas light on and off in their personalities. It almost seems like an epidemic in some ways. I'd also like to hear about people's stories who do not deal with gaslighting.
Thank you so much
All 23. I grew up in a toxic family. Dad was an acholic and mom basically was there physically but checked out mentially. Phtsical, emotional, verbal, financial abuse. Kept us sheltered
Married a Narcissist, I wish I had heard about narcissists. Over 23 Years being married to one. Verbal, physical, emotional, financial, abuse.
Courts, extended arm of
Emotional, verbal,finanical abuse.
Being raised by a single mother with covert narcissistic tendencies, I naturally became enmeshed in 2 long-term relationships with Narcissists. I’m trying to find peace and happiness and healing.
😢😮I went through a real shock anger rage alone in my home. OMG I replayed in my head the beginnings middle and end if our 15 month relationship. That man strung me along, overtly flirted in my presence until I felt small, confused and was dared not to question it. He told everyone I was the woman of his dreams IMMEDIATELY. Yet he was chumming supplies like a fishermen. I never been with a NARC. He was so charming, chivalrous and sweet for 5 months...then the mask starting slipping. After the ghosting I wrote everything down. Researched online. Now I'm tired of rolling like a pig in his filthy memories for two months. I'm coming back and by next month I'll be even better.
You got out! You dodged a HUGE bullet, I hope you really internalize that as you work through your healing.
@@rorober.1423 perfect! Everyday gets better…you get better!
YES!!! The original video you had years ago on this (the 20 symptoms) was what opened my eyes to what the hell I just got out of. This was 2 weeks after I left my abusive ex narc. Your video SAVED me. 😭😭😭😭November 18, 2018
I'm so grateful that you've posted this! ❤❤❤❤
Omg I have all this going on , I thought I was going crazy! 😱
After 30 years since my mom died I finally have the funds to move out and get my own house. For 30 years I've been crying out for help to escape but my remaining family didn't understand the severity of the problem or seem to care. I think they thought it was up to me to fix not understanding the tight control he has on our money. I can thank my uncle Scott (an uncle from my dad's side of the family who lived thousands of miles away) for leaving me his life insurance - being the beneficiary of that life insurance literally is saving my life. I can now rent a place and start a house from scratch at nearly 60 years old.
@@f.frederickskitty2910 good luck!!! Happy for you!! All the best 🌈
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective.
Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered.
They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor.
Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
OH MY GOODNESS!! Every single one of these hit home and I am so sad, but so grateful for this information.
The only thing I would add is if you grew up with a narcissistic parent you may not even know and as an adult another narcissist will be able to abuse you. Thank goodness I'm out and ready to heal.
I love how you explain things I don't have much brain space at the moment ❤❤❤❤
23/ out of 20 my god
One I thing I would mention is hyper sensitivity and reactive abuse.
22:41 I did exactly what you described. I unburied all of the things from childhood and everything through my marriage. It overwhelmed me and my state of mind was not good. The anger, the pain, and resentment was unbearable. I had to forgive them for everything in order to start finding peace. The only one that I haven't fully forgiven is myself but I'm getting there.
After 2 hours of therapy my therapist asked if i had considered a divorce.
The narc was sooo much smarter than me so he was the authority on everything.
I still had calm reactions because I knew he was trying to make me crazy.
I’m unable to cry and all my children have muted emotions because emotions are uncouth and discouraged.
At the gym he only works on his shoulders so he can be intimidating as he fills doorways, blocking escape
I have every one of these symptoms. I left my narcissist 1 1/2 years ago after 23 years of marriage, however, leaving has not been enough. Thank you for the validation that I needed that things with my mind and body are still not healed and my current therapies are not working.
Wow this is how CPTSD looks like?
Also the explanation was so good... its funny how someone on the other side of the world knows EXACTLY how it feels... to a T. And not many videos are so precise.
Baby steps in the beginning is key! I felt like a whole house fell on my head in the beginning! You tube have been a real life saver for me! From the professional experts to the survivors!
After being abused I've come up with nothing else besides God is better than us all so the favor of God is what we should seek
God isn’t better than all of us . He is us , no one is coming to SAVE you . Only you can do that
God is within...
Yes, my life changed when I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart
❤🙏🏻❤
@@Chantol22That's what Satan told the first humans in the garden. You just fell for the oldest trick in the book. You're not a God.
I ended up feeling so bad about myself I was convinced that I was t attractive enough for him to be seen in public with me. The cognitive dissonance was so severe I thought it made sense when he said that I couldn't spend the night bc I couldn't behave long enough to be rewarded with this. It got to the point these things went on so long I wouldn't tell anyone anymore the things he did bc I was so embarrassed that I put up with it for six years. Never, not once in six years did he apologize. Everything was my fault. And I felt in my body that there wasn't one thing about me that mattered and I didn't want to live anymore as a result. Never a compliment, never an apology, talking about my feelings was an immense waste of his time. He made me feel, in every way possible,that I did not matter. And to him I really didn't.
Truth!! Well said
Oh how ID with wht you said currently in a situation where my feelings matter little if AT ALL he can't say it's because of my appearance I lost the weight thts wht 1st husband said and this situation started out wonderful but over 3 yrs it's become a real dredge of emotions 😢anytime anything is done beyond normal for me it's always an emotional price to pay I don't scream/ curse/ even share when I ill unless I require medical care I don't vomit emontonally /psychologically on ppl but he spares no words sharing and most of his anger is directed at me and it's ALL HIGHLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE I WILL NEVER EVER be another relationship after this one ends I'm certain of it
The compass analogy was literally me. I quit my job w/o notice because my mind was spinning. My job was filled with narcissists & covert narcissists and it was hard to function although i made it look like I was normal through my calmness. After I quit, initially I suffered deep regret, shame, and guilt but now I don't cause being in a damaged psychological state puts you under a hypnotic spell. A spell caused by gaslighting. They won't get me like that again. Amazing video Michelle, you dissected everything that I felt but couldn't put into words. Thank you!
My husband is a textbook narcissist and i experience all theses symptoms 24/7. I used to live to dogital scrapbook. He bought a one of a kind computer with 13 terabytes of storage space to store all my digital scrabook supplies. I would scrap early in the morning. It was a way for me to pray and reflect on my faith. After a few months, he would start arguments if i scrapped. He couldnt stand any of my attention going else. 7 years later im selling online as a part-time gig to supplement my full time job. And after helping me set up the business, he complains everytime i pay attention it. I am caring for my mom in my home, 4 dogs and we have a mini homestead. I do most of the house work and cooking. He hasnt worked in a year and a half and i dont expect him to ever work again. Ive let this psychotic drama go on too long.
Please Madam, leave as soon as you can! You deserve better 😢
No once did you mention understanding or even caring about he feels, 100 percent is only about you... so for sure only he could be the narcissistic.
All 20. You are talking about me. I'm a man of 55 and have recently gone no contact with my older druggy sister, who is a covert narcissist. We both had a malignant narcissist stepmother and co-dependent father. I found Jesus in a big way. I've been baptised and love living alone now, even though I have lived alone for seven years. 🎉
I can relate to every single one of them to the point of flashbacks as you were talking. I left him 2 years ago and the abuse got way worse after leaving. The justice system is incredibly broken.
I definitely lost my true myself over the 17 years...and hope in time there will be peace for myself and my children.
Just wow!! I’m so thankful to have just found your channel. I have never heard narcissistic abuse described so clearly. You’re saying everything I have been trying to describe to others and most people absolutely do not comprehend. This even explains so well the trauma symptoms that my two youngest children have from going through the narcissistic abuse right along with me from my husband (their father) . This explains everything that I have been trying to get across for years. Thank you so much.
Ii have CPTSD since I was 2, I'm now 50. All thanks to a covert malignant narcsist 😢
Vulnerable Narcissist Dad, BPD/APD (diagnosed) Mom. You're hitting the nail on the head. Thanks for laying this out so clearly! I've done so much therapy and even 12 step work. But, I'm back, mid 40s learning more and doing a bit more family of origin work. I only recently began to understand BPD- and the reach within my family history. Breaks my heart that it's so little understood.