IF HE PULLS AWAY: Let him go and give his space, let him see your value through your absence. Focus on being the best and beautiful you, be your best self all the time. By letting him go or allowing is to have his space to show you are confident, secured, and someone who knows his/her worth. Do not try to push yourself or chase, because that lowers your value.
Going through this now. It hurts. Guys need space when they're dealing with financial, family and divorce issues. It's not about me. I have to respect and love him. Thanks Elliot. Great video!
When my guy and I had long distance relationship he became stressed due to not being compensated for 5 months of contract work had to shut his company down he told me he was going to village he needed to see his family mum dad siblings I said ok greet them for me. He was gone six weeks YES I missed him mostly the attention and communication. I had to be strong to allow him his space. I did he came back. LEARN TO BE PATIENT WITH POSITIVE ATTITUDE..
How long did you wait him to come back? Because mine said he was dealing with problems and said "i will call you" but he does not. I responded "i dont know what is going on right now with your life, but when will you" (i asked that because he already flaked on me the day where we had to see each other for an appointement of mine). He did not respond. I am in a state of waiting (i poursue my life as well) and i stopped sending him any messages, because i don't wanna be clingy. The same story already happened 2 months ago, he said it was his way of dealing problems. Our relationship is 4 months only... Same like your story, he leads a company and has a lot of responsability on his shoulders. However, i don't know the nature of his "problems".
This is really true. Its something I've been dealing with recently and I realized if they are stressed and want to pull away, let them . Like you said, if he wants to pull away he will anyways, so there's nothing you can do to change that. At the same time, I do think the person should still be respectful and respond kindly about it. Of course any negative response shouldn't necessarily be taken personally, but people should all be treated with respect and kindness. Obviously, life isn't like that but people should keep that in mind. If you need to deal with your issues on your own that's fine, but don't take your stress out on the other person!They don't deserve it.
It’s this simple guys. Women, thrive on communication. I get masculine energy. But if your woman is feeling insecure, then at least give us the courtesy to not make us feel crazy and as if your behavior is in our head. Acting like that, will make your woman pull away or even leave you. That shit gets old. You want women to tell you what’s wrong and open up, it’s a damn two way street. So maybe we just stop telling you if we are feeling upset. We just become passive aggressive and decide to give you a taste of your own medicine.
He pulled away like thousand times during our 8 months relationship. I don't think it's still me who has to understand, if he can't even talk to me about stuff why is he in a relationship with me? He had been ignoring me for 10 days and didn't even tell me what was wrong, i just let him pull away, but this time it's forever! I was hell crazy and emotional for him but I'm not gonna take shit nomore!
This was reassuring, thank you. I'm brand new with someone and it hasn't been defined yet. It's been great until the past couple days and he's pretty much disappeared. Logic (based on everything I know about him) tells me he is pulling away bc of stress in his own life, absolutely not related to me. But my anxious attachment is flaring up--not that I'm not good enough or did something wrong, but fear of the unknown about being ghosted or left hanging. (Again, logic is telling me that he's not doing this, although there is still a chance.) Thankfully I am very self-aware and I have learned to NOT chase/bombard/pester/annoy/beg. I back off and give space, although I think 1 short "hope you're doing well, thinking of you, etc" text here and there is ok (depending on the timeframe). All the turmoil takes place in my head and body, but I don't push it on other people (although I do discuss it with friends sometimes). You're so right: 1) let him pull away and do his own thing 1a) if he comes back, handle it then 1b) if he doesn't come back, then be grateful the trash took itself out So I'm handling this the right way, which I didn't do in the past. So I've learned. And that's a huge accomplishment. Any learning we do about ourselves that causes positive change is a huge accomplishment.
My man had a stressful period. I knew him thirty years before we started dating. I called him and offered him support. That created strong emotional intimacy between us.
Absolutely you should let him have him space. A guy i was seeing has an incredible amount of stress at the moment. Hes aware im here if he wants to talk but im not going to go to him. If he comes back great. If not then i hope he resolves his issues
know what I like about you Elliott. its the way you always try to be polite. when a guy is pulling away due to stress or whatever.leave him the fuck alone. end of!!!!!
My long distance boyfriend did this recently. He pulled away for about 2 to 3 weeks due to work stress. He went camping with no outside influences and came back happy and back to me
My bf asked for a space since last wendesday bcos of the new transition of his work and workload it made him so stressed. I hope he comes back to me soon and less stressed 😢
Hate seeing him so stressed i wish he'd let me be there for him but he needs his space. Hes always been a very independant man and he likes his time to himself "to deal with things in his own head" as he put it.
Elliot can you please talk about how to support and deal with men when they are having downs in life? (family member is seriously sick, living overseas and in poor condition, physical injuries, stressful at work...etc.) how to show supportive and make them feel better?
so my boyfriend says i add stress to his life but his life is already stressful. i told him that i’m going to give him the time and space to figure out what he wants in life besides me and to get his future on track because that’s what is stressing him out. but being with me is another stress added bc he can’t be the guy i need is what he tells me and that i deserve the world and he’s gonna be extremely busy and not be able to give me it. i told him that i love him and that i’m willing to focus on myself and give him the freedom to do what he needs to do but we can still be together and i feel like it will work out update: we are so much better now
This is scary because im going through this exact same thing. He told me yesterday tht ive been stressing him out about me constantly stressing about everything in our relationship. He's stressing about not making enough money andvhe told me he loves me and tht i should have no reason to be insecure. So i gave him space starting today.
trust me, avoid conflict and just roll with his vibes. if he doesn’t text you back, remember, he will come back if he loves you and the space will end. be the emotional gate keeper of your relationship. allow time for coping and then work out stuff and tell him your sorry for adding extra stress. you are like me and we’re always gonna add stress to people’s lives bc we stress daily, but we can’t change the person we’re with. no matter how much stress we cause, we’re pushing them away. let him come to you and y’all will prosper.
Rasna Bharadwaj The space was more like me and him still talking but not doing anything together. It wasn’t a real break. However, in total things started getting better in September for sure and it started after our first huge almost breakup moment in June. So I would say 4 months. We took a lot of off and on breaks, and now we’re doing so much better. We rarely fight anymore and he’s in love with me again and making the time for me that I deserved in the beginning. The hardest part about this whole thing was giving him time to reanalyze whether he wants to be with me long term or leave and break it off.
Rasna Bharadwaj i’m not an expert on dating and stuff, but my advice is if he mentions at all to you that you are stressing him out and pulls away from you, let him. If you give him the space to deal out things on his own, he will more than likely see that you are not the problem and recoup and mend things with you. Sometimes we can be the problem though. for my case, I wasn’t the main problem. It was how I dealt with things that made our relationship have a rough patch. I let him have control over me and i have stopped allowing it. Now we are happy
To let him pull away is fine but the hard thing is when he stops all the communication and doesn't say he needs space to work his stuff on his own. Specially when all goes well and you have no idea what's going on I think this behaviour is very selfish and traumatic for women.
Going through this right now & my emotions keeps trying to tell me it’s personal when I know I didn’t do anything & it’s most likely work/fish tank issue related. Thank you for the advice.🙏🏽
I can't f****** believe this, I literally was going to email you about this, lol! I just started reading your book and I felt in my heart that I was doing everything right till he pulled away due to stress, haha!
Hi Elliot. Thank you for your video. I am unfortunately going through this situation right now. He has been pulling away, we have talked about it and he has told me that it doesn't have anything to do with me, that his feelings haven't changed, but he is going through many problems in his work and needs some time to figure things out. I've told him that it hurts me a lot he says he's very sorry, he knows it's a problem that he pulls away when he's stressed and that he is working on it but can't avoid doing it yet. I would like to be patient but I can't avoid feeling extremely hurt and that, despite him telling me that he does like me and wants to continue our relationship, the fact that he is so distant and doesn't really seem to "need" me is a sign that things will not work. So when he does contact me, I'm so hurt and resentful of the situation that I cannot act happy as if everything is ok, I just feel like shutting down myself, and tell him how much he is hurting me, despite knowing I shouldn't do that. So bottom line... I am very confused. I am able to control my behaviour, not texting, not nagging, giving him space, but I am not able to control the pain and anger that I feel due to him pulling away like this. I feel like there is nothing I can do and the waiting to see if he solves his issues and comes back is killing me (I am super anxious, not sleeping, feeling extremely sad, having very low productivity at work)... I want to be understanding of his feelings and needs, but what about my feelings and needs, shouldn't there be a balance between his and mine? Could you please give me some advice on what I can do? Thank you very much for your help.
Well Amanda, I'm sorry to say but my story had a very sad ending, I eventually found out he was actually seeing someone else at the same time, an ex-girlfriend, so basically lying for the whole time. I do hope your story will go better, but keep an eye, just in case...
I just read your first comment and I am going through the same thing. He told me he wanted space yesterday to solve his issues and I told him I will wait. Thanks for the update, you must have felt so betrayed...
I am trying to understand how this behaviour from a stressed out man has become somewhat 'normal', or should i say, accepted? When someone is stressed understandably they may be experiencing a range of emotions, but since when did stonewalling become something nonchalant to do to someone you care about? What happened to basic communication? " I am stressed out at the moment, everything with us is cool, but please allow me some space". I feel that when some men shut down and don't provide their loved one with an explanation, it's a form of control, a way to keep in control of the last remaining thing they have good in their life. By pulling away and becoming silent, It keeps the woman feeling insecure and even more clingy, worried, anxious, and uncertain, thus keeping her there, and keeping her confused and wondering. If they gave an explanation to you, they would perhaps feel vulnerable, and also feel that their woman may start seeing them as weak, worthless, pathetic etc, because this is how they view themselves due to their already plumetted low self-esteem. This will then create feelings of inadequacy, shame and embarrassment. By pulling back, it saves them their vulnerability being shown, which will only increase their anxieties about what you may be thinking about them (and how they are handling adversity in their life). Pulling back may be for space, but you also have to consider whether this unhealthy feeling it creates for you is something you would be willing to put up with long term due to the fact that your partner is unable to communicate effectively and convey their emotions to you, in order to share what ever issues and circumstances in life they may be facing. Usually if a guy is like this in the beginning, this is how he likely will remain (unless therapy is involved).
I started watching your videos because I was confused about a guy I thought I liked. Now I realize I’d be better with a man like you instead. Thank you.
O MY GOD!!! every word in this video was so relatable! with the apologizing for being needy and the forcing him to talk about stuff because i want to solve things my way etc. etc! thank you so much. You have no idea how much stress you've relieved off of my shoulders!!! I will forever be greatful for you and these videos but especially this one! I will be watching this over and over again when I start to freak out and overthink about these things!! thank you thank you thank you!!
The problem is how do you know when the pulling away is an official need to gain some personal space to problem solve and recalibrate as opposed to there being others that he could be also involved with on some level? I’ve experienced both of these scenarios sometimes even simultaneously where they need to pull away due to stress but then they are also carrying on and juggling other connections to stave off feelings of vulnerability in the primary relationship. Whether it’s a true cheating scenario or an attempt on the mans part to not feel so attached and vulnerable by keeping his options open even though he loves the primary woman. With long distance dynamics it’s very hard to know all that’s really going on behind the scenes. Being in the dark when behaviors like this happen make it very hard to trust and when so much is at stake.
This exactly, as its hard to not feel resentful towards him, and therefore being 'off' with him.. How do you move forward when he comes back?, but still doesn't want to answer why he pulled away in the first place.
I think he needs a cool man transformation, slick, hair cut, beard trim, sports car. Hhahahah. Seriously he's a very nice looking man. I like the coat too.
The whole point is You DON'T KNOW WHY and you need to know. Closure is very necessary. If you love somebody it's NATURAL to have those feelings when they suddenly pull away especially, when you both were in love. I am not that type that's hung onto a man. I DO have my own life. I Do let him do most of the calling and texting. "NEEDY AND CLINGY" IN THIS SITUATION IS BULL! Just say, "It's natural to feel the way you do but, let him have his space to solve things HIS way as a man and don't bombard him by letting your emotions drive you because that feels like nagging to him and you'll risk turning him off!" - THAT'S more accurate than labeling a very NATURAL reaction as "NEEDY AND CLINGY". I'm sick of people not acknowledging the way GOD (not the universe) made women. Obviously, something is going on here because everybody can't be NEEDY AND CLINGY. It's just the difference in how we respond emotionally. Thanks for the advice but please, going forward, acknowledge the obvious and don't sound so insulting to a womans natural makeup.
Even if I’m few years late. Thank you this really helped me. I’m now gonna change how do things and let him have space and time to manage his own situations. Yes I am insecure and I want him to talk about but thank you!!
This sounds fine and dandy BUT I'm just scared that when the man pulls away, during the time that he's away, he might mess up or cheat or something =/ All I need is for a guy to say "hey I'm stressed about THIS and need time alone to figure it out but me and you are GOOD!" Is that too much to ask? I'd feel less worried and insecure.
I’m with you 💯. But men generally don’t like to seem weak and by saying it to you makes them feel less masculine. We just need to be patient! I’ve been in relationships short and long term and almost all of them did that. Some of them don’t come beck but the genuine ones do come back.
My BF of 1 year is in the process of selling, buying and moving homes, his uncle also passed away a week ago. Just last night he said he wanted some time apart because he's mind is not at the right place for a relationship but he still loves me. I said I wanted to be there and help him get through it but he couldn't accept it. So at the end I told him that I understand and if he wants time apart and do his own things I'll wait for him. I told him to text me when he's ready. He cried and said that he's sorry and thank you. I think the part I said correctly was when i said "I understood and i'll give you time to sort things out and do the things you need to do." But the part where I said "I will wait and just text me when you're ready." I also said "Just let me know if you don't want to be with me any more". Is that some thing I shouldn't have said and showing him I'm always available and giving him all the power? He's a nice guy and has good intentions but he just doesn't know how to deal with stress very well. Any advice?
My boyfriend and I recently broke up and after that some things happened in his life that’s he’s stressed about and he’s told me he will be dry because I’m not his main priority rn. And we kinda argued and I told him say he doesn’t want me anymore so I can move on mentally. And he said “I don’t want to be with you and deal with these problems at the same time it’s too much stress” and he hasn’t texted me back after that. And I kept bugging him. And I’ve realized now I need to stop. And actually let him handle his emotions on his own. And I need to handle mine and be okay with being alone and not be worried about him because he has it. I just worry about him and I know he wants to be with me I just don’t want him to be stressed.
@@Adv18 we broke up eventually cause he cheated on me and my dumb butt started to talk to him again and we talked for a while but he just was using me at that point but I learned a lot from that relationship and I’m currently with someone who makes me more happy then he ever did and loves me unconditionally
That is such a good demonstration. You would make a really good actor. You be who I want you to be or you are going to make me needy and sad. You are responsible for my happiness or you will make me needy and sad. How can someone love if you hold them up for ransom to fill in the holes of yourself. That's blackmail not love.
I really needed to hear what you said because my guy has been stressed about his job and I've been doing just what you said you did before. I don't want to come across as uncaring and im always saying ive changed but showing otherwise. What you said has helped me face myself and truly give him the space he needs. I completely respect what you said about how things could go either way when I give him space. This video was the best I have seen so far out of all the ones I've watched on UA-cam. Thank you.
You made me laugh with your personal story. I used to be that we too. Even offered 10 time: maybe I can help you solve the problem. I am in this sitaution right now with a man who has a whole lot of problems at the moment, fm-amily aswel as professional stress - working 22/7. He told me whats up and he told me: I will come back to you with my answer when I have more "space". Ok thats fair enough. So now I just lean back - send 1 little message with "good morning" or "good night" to let him know I am still thinking of him and wait until he has the time to respond properly to me. Let the magic work. If not, its not meant to be, and "stress" is just an excuse (you ll never know if someone is playing games, but you will find out soon enough). This video was very helpfull, down to earth and "mature". Thanks for this!
i happened to experience this for the past one week. and i swear i've been my own enemy by chasing him from time to time thinking that he doesn't love me. but watching this today made me realize that i have to let him pull away and deal with what he's going through.. he's got a sick mom to take care of and on the other hand, his job seems to be demanding. so i'm breaking free and let him handle his situation. so my question is, will he still come back since i've stopped being clingy? i'll appreciate someone's response
Thank you I was emotional and needed to seek validation and wanted to make sure he has me in his future plans ...but I’ll try to play cool with him I’m not sure I can as I’m not emotionally mature yet and this first relationship sucks mostly fighting and bad words here and there
this is one of THE BEST vids.......on this topic. well said boo. and yes..... keep saying "love you ladies". its darling and we need to hear it. #womenfolk#strongfemales#realmen
My bf well now ex broke up with me because he's stressed about everything his job , car, insurance, and college he stressed about all of that because all those things are going down hill. So I'm giving space not texting him or anything. Day 4
laura hamid we haven't talked since the break up and I'm fine with that I moved on and focusing on myself and college. He'll never find another like me which I know 😊
Thank you for this information 🤗☺ you're like a best friend to me 😚 your dating advice always comes right on time for me as I am faced with the topics you discuss and give me the answers I need. I appreciate it! Keep up the great work!
my boyfriend has pulled away from me because of his health...he just turned cold and shut me out...He told me he's just been through surgery at the weekend after not hearing from him for days...I asked him why he keeps shutting me out, not telling me and hurting me and he just told me to delete his number :( so I told him I was worried but if that's what he wants I'll delete it and told him to get well soon and take care...I haven't heard from him in days and I know he really loves me I don't believe he lied about that...he even told me that I can do better than him :( I love him so much...but I have not tried to contact him..will he come back? I miss him so much....but I love him enough to leave him alone...I just wish I didn't feel so crap right now...what are the chances I'll hear from him again??
My man is always stress at work and his life seems meaningless since the quarantine starts. I can not even able to see him for 2 months because of the corona virus. I feel so anxious..becuse he always change his moods and I am trying to be strong for us..hope everything will be okay after this virus outbreak.
I might add DO NOT assign him the time to deal with his stress. "I will allow you 25 minutes to sit in the corner and mope" . He will keep on walking if you do that...and he should.
relationships rely on trust. If you feel like your partner may be dating other women during this time then you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.
I thought he said in another video that situations like work or school are just excuses and/or BS? I hope I didn't blow things. I told him to contact me once he has the time.
Literally in this situation but I messed up completely and did exactly the opposite of what Elliot is saying... Wish I saw this video 2 months ago... Would've saved us and we would still be together 💔
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thanks! Btw, when you say wait for him to come back, is there a suggested number of days before reaching out or wait until he sorts things out? My guy's work issues could take a while. So far, we haven't talked in 4 days... your thoughts? Love from the PH!
My BF is the type os idiot that LOVES this "pulling away cause I'm stressed out" thing, yet, he will get upset if I don't go after him. I'm honestly so tired. I respect his will to be alone sometimes, but shouldn't him understand that hanging for people that are not present is annoying?
I've been watching your videos for a month or so now and I'm learning a lot about men AND myself. Thank you for making your videos...sincerely. I'm wondering when you'll do a video with your hair down🤔🤓
Can you do a video that goes deeper into pulling away like this? What if you don't know what's going on i.e. stress, something else? Can you ask? If so, how?
I agree. If you don't know the guy well enough it's hard to work out what's going on. It would be great just to hear, " Im stressed about x and I need to focus on it for a while. You and I are all good'
I dated a guy 6 times who vanished 2 weeks now came back with lame excuses about how he´s phone was away but ive seen him online and active on social media (fb and insta) etc so i know he is lying. I really liked this dude but now im starting to think he is a LIAR! Im asking him now to explain the truth.. let´s see tomorrow what his response will be...
We have been in a relationship from the last year, it has all been great, we have had the best understanding and never really fought. Our families also know about us. But I have always known that he is facing a lot of stress because of his family and financial problems cuz of covid. He has been distant from last one month, and we only spoke four times on call, and I was the one who initiated it. Although he did say on call last four days back that he is seeking therapy and he would talk to me and meet me soon... but idk how much time more should I wait for him. The question is, if he says that he will call and meet soon, will he?
On point! I've learned this....everything is not about Me. I get "a project" to focus on when my man interest pulls away: work out, clean a room, cook a meal, hang w your girls...but let Him solve his problems alone or you are just adding to it
I just wanted to tell you that you have been really helpful, I've been watching your videos for a couple weeks now and you have helped me understand so many things! And you are so right! Thank you for being awesome!
I blew it, I totally went completely insane, needy GF on him after he pulled away. He was on a dating site within 2 days. I am fairly sure it is not fixable. He might contact me again so how do I handle it? Cool? Remote? Caring?
Me too I went completely nuts but it’s been over a week since we’ve talked and I’m now done. You don’t need that stress. In time you’ll have to let him go if you haven’t already.
I’m trying to learn and understand a guy I’m newly with the way he stresses is exactly how you describe it. Advice needed! He’s very stressed with rights to be but it’s been like 3weeks he’s been in his “guy space” what should I do and what shouldn’t I? Thank you!
IF HE PULLS AWAY:
Let him go and give his space, let him see your value through your absence. Focus on being the best and beautiful you, be your best self all the time. By letting him go or allowing is to have his space to show you are confident, secured, and someone who knows his/her worth. Do not try to push yourself or chase, because that lowers your value.
Thanks Sean
Well said 💕💯
Needed to see this. Thank you 🙏🏿
It's hard not to feel insecure when a man does that :(
VERY
Yes!
Yes!!!!!!.. it is hard ..so hard..
mmhmm :’)
Yeah but not impossible
Going through this now. It hurts. Guys need space when they're dealing with financial, family and divorce issues. It's not about me. I have to respect and love him. Thanks Elliot. Great video!
Same here now! Any update on what happened in your situation?
@@Youtouwbe911 me too!! Been a month and I miss him so much
I see this was from 4 years ago, do you mind sharing how things ended or what happened? i'm going through this right now.
Going through the same thing right now. I'm sad but I understand it
Let him go -- it demonstrates self respect and respect for him.
Thank you for saying "I love you ladies" each time. It's important.
He is lying! He is trying to move too fast! Lmao joke :D
When my guy and I had long distance relationship he became stressed due to not being compensated for 5 months of contract work had to shut his company down he told me he was going to village he needed to see his family mum dad siblings I said ok greet them for me. He was gone six weeks YES I missed him mostly the attention and communication. I had to be strong to allow him his space. I did he came back.
LEARN TO BE PATIENT WITH POSITIVE ATTITUDE..
How long did u know him then?
Thank you. I will be patient with my man😘
How long did you wait him to come back? Because mine said he was dealing with problems and said "i will call you" but he does not. I responded "i dont know what is going on right now with your life, but when will you" (i asked that because he already flaked on me the day where we had to see each other for an appointement of mine). He did not respond. I am in a state of waiting (i poursue my life as well) and i stopped sending him any messages, because i don't wanna be clingy. The same story already happened 2 months ago, he said it was his way of dealing problems.
Our relationship is 4 months only...
Same like your story, he leads a company and has a lot of responsability on his shoulders. However, i don't know the nature of his "problems".
This is really true. Its something I've been dealing with recently and I realized if they are stressed and want to pull away, let them . Like you said, if he wants to pull away he will anyways, so there's nothing you can do to change that. At the same time, I do think the person should still be respectful and respond kindly about it. Of course any negative response shouldn't necessarily be taken personally, but people should all be treated with respect and kindness. Obviously, life isn't like that but people should keep that in mind. If you need to deal with your issues on your own that's fine, but don't take your stress out on the other person!They don't deserve it.
Miri S Thank You this is a new perspective. 💕
It’s this simple guys. Women, thrive on communication. I get masculine energy. But if your woman is feeling insecure, then at least give us the courtesy to not make us feel crazy and as if your behavior is in our head. Acting like that, will make your woman pull away or even leave you. That shit gets old. You want women to tell you what’s wrong and open up, it’s a damn two way street. So maybe we just stop telling you if we are feeling upset. We just become passive aggressive and decide to give you a taste of your own medicine.
❤❤❤❤ HIT IT ON THE NOSE 👍 👌 EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!
He pulled away like thousand times during our 8 months relationship. I don't think it's still me who has to understand, if he can't even talk to me about stuff why is he in a relationship with me? He had been ignoring me for 10 days and didn't even tell me what was wrong, i just let him pull away, but this time it's forever! I was hell crazy and emotional for him but I'm not gonna take shit nomore!
This was reassuring, thank you.
I'm brand new with someone and it hasn't been defined yet. It's been great until the past couple days and he's pretty much disappeared. Logic (based on everything I know about him) tells me he is pulling away bc of stress in his own life, absolutely not related to me.
But my anxious attachment is flaring up--not that I'm not good enough or did something wrong, but fear of the unknown about being ghosted or left hanging. (Again, logic is telling me that he's not doing this, although there is still a chance.)
Thankfully I am very self-aware and I have learned to NOT chase/bombard/pester/annoy/beg. I back off and give space, although I think 1 short "hope you're doing well, thinking of you, etc" text here and there is ok (depending on the timeframe). All the turmoil takes place in my head and body, but I don't push it on other people (although I do discuss it with friends sometimes).
You're so right:
1) let him pull away and do his own thing
1a) if he comes back, handle it then
1b) if he doesn't come back, then be grateful the trash took itself out
So I'm handling this the right way, which I didn't do in the past. So I've learned. And that's a huge accomplishment. Any learning we do about ourselves that causes positive change is a huge accomplishment.
My man had a stressful period. I knew him thirty years before we started dating. I called him and offered him support. That created strong emotional intimacy between us.
I think it's important to emphasize what you touched on briefly here, this only applies if the guy is decent, and you actually want him to come back.
okay pulls away is fine but when he pulls away with another woman is a different story,...
riza cas true
😂😂😂
Hahah
😂😂Yeah
But how do you know???
Absolutely you should let him have him space. A guy i was seeing has an incredible amount of stress at the moment. Hes aware im here if he wants to talk but im not going to go to him. If he comes back great. If not then i hope he resolves his issues
Survive it hey so what was the outcome to this? Did he come back?
know what I like about you Elliott. its the way you always try to be polite. when a guy is pulling away due to stress or whatever.leave him the fuck alone. end of!!!!!
My long distance boyfriend did this recently. He pulled away for about 2 to 3 weeks due to work stress. He went camping with no outside influences and came back happy and back to me
My bf asked for a space since last wendesday bcos of the new transition of his work and workload it made him so stressed. I hope he comes back to me soon and less stressed 😢
Watching these videos back to back. Trying so hard to not end the relationship completely with my fiancé
Hate seeing him so stressed i wish he'd let me be there for him but he needs his space. Hes always been a very independant man and he likes his time to himself "to deal with things in his own head" as he put it.
I guess men are like that. I’m experiencing that with my bf now too
@@kathleenvenese me too.. it hurts sometimes that he won't talk about it but I'm giving him his space
Going through this now
Elliot can you please talk about how to support and deal with men when they are having downs in life? (family member is seriously sick, living overseas and in poor condition, physical injuries, stressful at work...etc.) how to show supportive and make them feel better?
I like the way you explain this about men energy .. other coaches don’t mention when a man is stressed. The just say when he pulls away..
so my boyfriend says i add stress to his life but his life is already stressful. i told him that i’m going to give him the time and space to figure out what he wants in life besides me and to get his future on track because that’s what is stressing him out. but being with me is another stress added bc he can’t be the guy i need is what he tells me and that i deserve the world and he’s gonna be extremely busy and not be able to give me it. i told him that i love him and that i’m willing to focus on myself and give him the freedom to do what he needs to do but we can still be together and i feel like it will work out
update: we are so much better now
This is scary because im going through this exact same thing. He told me yesterday tht ive been stressing him out about me constantly stressing about everything in our relationship. He's stressing about not making enough money andvhe told me he loves me and tht i should have no reason to be insecure. So i gave him space starting today.
trust me, avoid conflict and just roll with his vibes. if he doesn’t text you back, remember, he will come back if he loves you and the space will end. be the emotional gate keeper of your relationship. allow time for coping and then work out stuff and tell him your sorry for adding extra stress. you are like me and we’re always gonna add stress to people’s lives bc we stress daily, but we can’t change the person we’re with. no matter how much stress we cause, we’re pushing them away. let him come to you and y’all will prosper.
@@chelseaeberhardt yea i apologized to him for stressing him out. Thanks girl. Appreciate the advice.
Rasna Bharadwaj The space was more like me and him still talking but not doing anything together.
It wasn’t a real break. However, in total things started getting better in September for sure and it started after our first huge almost breakup moment in June. So I would say 4 months.
We took a lot of off and on breaks, and now we’re doing so much better. We rarely fight anymore and he’s in love with me again and making the time for me that I deserved in the beginning. The hardest part about this whole thing was giving him time to reanalyze whether he wants to be with me long term or leave and break it off.
Rasna Bharadwaj i’m not an expert on dating and stuff, but my advice is if he mentions at all to you that you are stressing him out and pulls away from you, let him. If you give him the space to deal out things on his own, he will more than likely see that you are not the problem and recoup and mend things with you. Sometimes we can be the problem though. for my case, I wasn’t the main problem. It was how I dealt with things that made our relationship have a rough patch. I let him have control over me and i have stopped allowing it. Now we are happy
To let him pull away is fine but the hard thing is when he stops all the communication and doesn't say he needs space to work his stuff on his own. Specially when all goes well and you have no idea what's going on I think this behaviour is very selfish and traumatic for women.
Exactly!!!!!
Going through this right now & my emotions keeps trying to tell me it’s personal when I know I didn’t do anything & it’s most likely work/fish tank issue related. Thank you for the advice.🙏🏽
what happened to the fish tank???
I can't f****** believe this, I literally was going to email you about this, lol! I just started reading your book and I felt in my heart that I was doing everything right till he pulled away due to stress, haha!
Love this! My man is going through tough times and this has been an eye opener!! Xx
Hi Elliot. Thank you for your video. I am unfortunately going through this situation right now. He has been pulling away, we have talked about it and he has told me that it doesn't have anything to do with me, that his feelings haven't changed, but he is going through many problems in his work and needs some time to figure things out. I've told him that it hurts me a lot he says he's very sorry, he knows it's a problem that he pulls away when he's stressed and that he is working on it but can't avoid doing it yet. I would like to be patient but I can't avoid feeling extremely hurt and that, despite him telling me that he does like me and wants to continue our relationship, the fact that he is so distant and doesn't really seem to "need" me is a sign that things will not work. So when he does contact me, I'm so hurt and resentful of the situation that I cannot act happy as if everything is ok, I just feel like shutting down myself, and tell him how much he is hurting me, despite knowing I shouldn't do that. So bottom line... I am very confused. I am able to control my behaviour, not texting, not nagging, giving him space, but I am not able to control the pain and anger that I feel due to him pulling away like this. I feel like there is nothing I can do and the waiting to see if he solves his issues and comes back is killing me (I am super anxious, not sleeping, feeling extremely sad, having very low productivity at work)... I want to be understanding of his feelings and needs, but what about my feelings and needs, shouldn't there be a balance between his and mine? Could you please give me some advice on what I can do? Thank you very much for your help.
Coupdepied OMG I feel you completely! Same situation in my life right now and it's driving me crazy. I want a happy medium but I doubt I'll get one.
Well Amanda, I'm sorry to say but my story had a very sad ending, I eventually found out he was actually seeing someone else at the same time, an ex-girlfriend, so basically lying for the whole time. I do hope your story will go better, but keep an eye, just in case...
I just read your first comment and I am going through the same thing. He told me he wanted space yesterday to solve his issues and I told him I will wait. Thanks for the update, you must have felt so betrayed...
my exact situation right now. i dont know what to do.
@@cokamao what happened
I am trying to understand how this behaviour from a stressed out man has become somewhat 'normal', or should i say, accepted?
When someone is stressed understandably they may be experiencing a range of emotions, but since when did stonewalling become something nonchalant to do to someone you care about? What happened to basic communication? " I am stressed out at the moment, everything with us is cool, but please allow me some space".
I feel that when some men shut down and don't provide their loved one with an explanation, it's a form of control, a way to keep in control of the last remaining thing they have good in their life. By pulling away and becoming silent, It keeps the woman feeling insecure and even more clingy, worried, anxious, and uncertain, thus keeping her there, and keeping her confused and wondering.
If they gave an explanation to you, they would perhaps feel vulnerable, and also feel that their woman may start seeing them as weak, worthless, pathetic etc, because this is how they view themselves due to their already plumetted low self-esteem. This will then create feelings of inadequacy, shame and embarrassment. By pulling back, it saves them their vulnerability being shown, which will only increase their anxieties about what you may be thinking about them (and how they are handling adversity in their life).
Pulling back may be for space, but you also have to consider whether this unhealthy feeling it creates for you is something you would be willing to put up with long term due to the fact that your partner is unable to communicate effectively and convey their emotions to you, in order to share what ever issues and circumstances in life they may be facing.
Usually if a guy is like this in the beginning, this is how he likely will remain (unless therapy is involved).
You said my Exact thoughts
I started watching your videos because I was confused about a guy I thought I liked. Now I realize I’d be better with a man like you instead. Thank you.
O MY GOD!!! every word in this video was so relatable! with the apologizing for being needy and the forcing him to talk about stuff because i want to solve things my way etc. etc! thank you so much. You have no idea how much stress you've relieved off of my shoulders!!! I will forever be greatful for you and these videos but especially this one! I will be watching this over and over again when I start to freak out and overthink about these things!! thank you thank you thank you!!
This advice was extremely helpful and let me know I was doing the right thing but letting him go and handle his business. Thanks!
you're absolutely right doing just that letting my husband solve his own problems
The problem is how do you know when the pulling away is an official need to gain some personal space to problem solve and recalibrate as opposed to there being others that he could be also involved with on some level? I’ve experienced both of these scenarios sometimes even simultaneously where they need to pull away due to stress but then they are also carrying on and juggling other connections to stave off feelings of vulnerability in the primary relationship. Whether it’s a true cheating scenario or an attempt on the mans part to not feel so attached and vulnerable by keeping his options open even though he loves the primary woman. With long distance dynamics it’s very hard to know all that’s really going on behind the scenes. Being in the dark when behaviors like this happen make it very hard to trust and when so much is at stake.
Great! He had so much going on w depression, his parents aging, works 2 jobs etc. very helpful
What do we do when he returns? I dont even know what to say to him now
This exactly, as its hard to not feel resentful towards him, and therefore being 'off' with him.. How do you move forward when he comes back?, but still doesn't want to answer why he pulled away in the first place.
@@moonriver4275 I need an answer too
I love that coat on you! I hope you feel valued, I paused my stranger things binge to watch this 😝
haha I feel loved
I think he needs a cool man transformation, slick, hair cut, beard trim, sports car. Hhahahah. Seriously he's a very nice looking man. I like the coat too.
You must want him for yourself. Don't blame you.
I love him, he's such a beautiful hunky sexy man. He teaches old dogs new tricks. Thank you Elliot.
You are such a great girl for standing up for your hero, a woman with a sword. I love you Lily Rose
he speaks the truth… most men I’ve dealt with do withdraw when stressed. it sucks :((
The whole point is You DON'T KNOW WHY and you need to know. Closure is very necessary. If you love somebody it's NATURAL to have those feelings when they suddenly pull away especially, when you both were in love. I am not that type that's hung onto a man. I DO have my own life. I Do let him do most of the calling and texting. "NEEDY AND CLINGY" IN THIS SITUATION IS BULL! Just say, "It's natural to feel the way you do but, let him have his space to solve things HIS way as a man and don't bombard him by letting your emotions drive you because that feels like nagging to him and you'll risk turning him off!" - THAT'S more accurate than labeling a very NATURAL reaction as "NEEDY AND CLINGY". I'm sick of people not acknowledging the way GOD (not the universe) made women. Obviously, something is going on here because everybody can't be NEEDY AND CLINGY. It's just the difference in how we respond emotionally. Thanks for the advice but please, going forward, acknowledge the obvious and don't sound so insulting to a womans natural makeup.
Even if I’m few years late.
Thank you this really helped me.
I’m now gonna change how do things and let him have space and time to manage his own situations. Yes I am insecure and I want him to talk about but thank you!!
This sounds fine and dandy BUT I'm just scared that when the man pulls away, during the time that he's away, he might mess up or cheat or something =/ All I need is for a guy to say "hey I'm stressed about THIS and need time alone to figure it out but me and you are GOOD!" Is that too much to ask? I'd feel less worried and insecure.
I agree 100%!!
When he does that, take care of ur emotional health such when he doesn't come back, u're good to go
I’m with you 💯. But men generally don’t like to seem weak and by saying it to you makes them feel less masculine. We just need to be patient! I’ve been in relationships short and long term and almost all of them did that. Some of them don’t come beck but the genuine ones do come back.
@@danam358 how long do they take to come back
@@missc2091 good Qs : crickets hahaa
Thanks man .. it helped a lot , my man is going through shit with his family and I wanted to help but he shut me down and now I know why🙏🏻🙏🏻
My BF of 1 year is in the process of selling, buying and moving homes, his uncle also passed away a week ago. Just last night he said he wanted some time apart because he's mind is not at the right place for a relationship but he still loves me. I said I wanted to be there and help him get through it but he couldn't accept it. So at the end I told him that I understand and if he wants time apart and do his own things I'll wait for him. I told him to text me when he's ready. He cried and said that he's sorry and thank you.
I think the part I said correctly was when i said "I understood and i'll give you time to sort things out and do the things you need to do." But the part where I said "I will wait and just text me when you're ready." I also said "Just let me know if you don't want to be with me any more". Is that some thing I shouldn't have said and showing him I'm always available and giving him all the power? He's a nice guy and has good intentions but he just doesn't know how to deal with stress very well.
Any advice?
My boyfriend and I recently broke up and after that some things happened in his life that’s he’s stressed about and he’s told me he will be dry because I’m not his main priority rn. And we kinda argued and I told him say he doesn’t want me anymore so I can move on mentally. And he said “I don’t want to be with you and deal with these problems at the same time it’s too much stress” and he hasn’t texted me back after that. And I kept bugging him. And I’ve realized now I need to stop. And actually let him handle his emotions on his own. And I need to handle mine and be okay with being alone and not be worried about him because he has it. I just worry about him and I know he wants to be with me I just don’t want him to be stressed.
Did he come back then?
@@Adv18 we broke up eventually cause he cheated on me and my dumb butt started to talk to him again and we talked for a while but he just was using me at that point but I learned a lot from that relationship and I’m currently with someone who makes me more happy then he ever did and loves me unconditionally
That intro is ADORABLE lol
That is such a good demonstration. You would make a really good actor. You be who I want you to be or you are going to make me needy and sad. You are responsible for my happiness or you will make me needy and sad. How can someone love if you hold them up for ransom to fill in the holes of yourself. That's blackmail not love.
I really needed to hear what you said because my guy has been stressed about his job and I've been doing just what you said you did before. I don't want to come across as uncaring and im always saying ive changed but showing otherwise. What you said has helped me face myself and truly give him the space he needs. I completely respect what you said about how things could go either way when I give him space. This video was the best I have seen so far out of all the ones I've watched on UA-cam. Thank you.
I trawl through your vids looking for the life advice... 🙊 its sprinkled throughout them here and there.. its the wisdom of who you are.. it's gold!
You made me laugh with your personal story. I used to be that we too. Even offered 10 time: maybe I can help you solve the problem. I am in this sitaution right now with a man who has a whole lot of problems at the moment, fm-amily aswel as professional stress - working 22/7. He told me whats up and he told me: I will come back to you with my answer when I have more "space". Ok thats fair enough. So now I just lean back - send 1 little message with "good morning" or "good night" to let him know I am still thinking of him and wait until he has the time to respond properly to me. Let the magic work. If not, its not meant to be, and "stress" is just an excuse (you ll never know if someone is playing games, but you will find out soon enough). This video was very helpfull, down to earth and "mature". Thanks for this!
I just said I'm here and I'm praying for you and that was it
Woow Elliot just when i need it this.
Thank you!! i'll now let him fix his problems his way
How long is this "time frame" ?
Yes I needed this video so badly thank you 🙏 I’m learning to just let the guys I date honor the masculine energy ❤️
Are you psychic Elliot?? How did u know this is just the video I needed? Thank u!!!
i happened to experience this for the past one week. and i swear i've been my own enemy by chasing him from time to time thinking that he doesn't love me. but watching this today made me realize that i have to let him pull away and deal with what he's going through.. he's got a sick mom to take care of and on the other hand, his job seems to be demanding. so i'm breaking free and let him handle his situation. so my question is, will he still come back since i've stopped being clingy? i'll appreciate someone's response
Emily Njane Did he ever come back?
Did he?
This makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the good advice.
I'll never understand men period
Thank you I was emotional and needed to seek validation and wanted to make sure he has me in his future plans ...but I’ll try to play cool with him I’m not sure I can as I’m not emotionally mature yet and this first relationship sucks mostly fighting and bad words here and there
You're videos are just awesome. So much thoughtful and educational. I need your guidance in each and every step.
this is exactly wat I needed... thank u Elliot
loved this topic!!!! is happening to me know!!! i gave him space and now i look as i am cooler than i actually am XD
Natalia Ducard same thing herr😂
Giving him Space means no texting, no calling no seeing him right ?
Giving him Space means no texting, no calling no seeing him right ?
Thank you for your videos ❤ love learning and watching even at 52 yrs old
this is one of THE BEST vids.......on this topic. well said boo. and yes..... keep saying "love you ladies". its darling and we need to hear it. #womenfolk#strongfemales#realmen
Bun's lookin frisky today 😎
Thanks that's what I needed
Very logical explanation I would sat
My bf well now ex broke up with me because he's stressed about everything his job , car, insurance, and college he stressed about all of that because all those things are going down hill. So I'm giving space not texting him or anything. Day 4
Tiara Nicole What happen ?
laura hamid we haven't talked since the break up and I'm fine with that I moved on and focusing on myself and college. He'll never find another like me which I know 😊
Absolutely great video. This makes so much sense
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this video - it was exactly what I needed to hear right now 😍
Very helpful! Now to wait and keep myself busy, it is hard since he we would fill each other’s days...
Glad it was helpful!
this is one of your best videos!
Thank you for all these videos!
you are the best!! I love your channel .... greeting from Morocco :)
This actually helps a lot, thank you! (:
Thank you for this information 🤗☺ you're like a best friend to me 😚 your dating advice always comes right on time for me as I am faced with the topics you discuss and give me the answers I need. I appreciate it! Keep up the great work!
Good video dude, Great advice!
my boyfriend has pulled away from me because of his health...he just turned cold and shut me out...He told me he's just been through surgery at the weekend after not hearing from him for days...I asked him why he keeps shutting me out, not telling me and hurting me and he just told me to delete his number :( so I told him I was worried but if that's what he wants I'll delete it and told him to get well soon and take care...I haven't heard from him in days and I know he really loves me I don't believe he lied about that...he even told me that I can do better than him :( I love him so much...but I have not tried to contact him..will he come back? I miss him so much....but I love him enough to leave him alone...I just wish I didn't feel so crap right now...what are the chances I'll hear from him again??
Did you hear from him again?
Thank you so much really needed this and appreciate you for taking time to talk about it ❤️
My man is always stress at work and his life seems meaningless since the quarantine starts. I can not even able to see him for 2 months because of the corona virus. I feel so anxious..becuse he always change his moods and I am trying to be strong for us..hope everything will be okay after this virus outbreak.
I might add DO NOT assign him the time to deal with his stress. "I will allow you 25 minutes to sit in the corner and mope" . He will keep on walking if you do that...and he should.
Yeah but while he is away from me he may be dating other women, what is so positive about that?
Exactly. Men are good at lying.
Absolutely!
relationships rely on trust. If you feel like your partner may be dating other women during this time then you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.
I thought he said in another video that situations like work or school are just excuses and/or BS? I hope I didn't blow things. I told him to contact me once he has the time.
Literally in this situation but I messed up completely and did exactly the opposite of what Elliot is saying...
Wish I saw this video 2 months ago...
Would've saved us and we would still be together 💔
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thanks! Btw, when you say wait for him to come back, is there a suggested number of days before reaching out or wait until he sorts things out? My guy's work issues could take a while. So far, we haven't talked in 4 days... your thoughts? Love from the PH!
Any update?
My BF is the type os idiot that LOVES this "pulling away cause I'm stressed out" thing, yet, he will get upset if I don't go after him. I'm honestly so tired. I respect his will to be alone sometimes, but shouldn't him understand that hanging for people that are not present is annoying?
I've been watching your videos for a month or so now and I'm learning a lot about men AND myself. Thank you for making your videos...sincerely. I'm wondering when you'll do a video with your hair down🤔🤓
Thx for ur video. It really helps me. Love it 💕
Brilliant advice thank you
I’m just disappointed now days people don’t appreciate a problem solver? Then that’s some real problem over there.
Can you do a video that goes deeper into pulling away like this? What if you don't know what's going on i.e. stress, something else? Can you ask? If so, how?
I agree. If you don't know the guy well enough it's hard to work out what's going on. It would be great just to hear, " Im stressed about x and I need to focus on it for a while. You and I are all good'
The exact video I needed.
Thank you for being objective!
I dated a guy 6 times who vanished 2 weeks now came back with lame excuses about how he´s phone was away but ive seen him online and active on social media (fb and insta) etc so i know he is lying.
I really liked this dude but now im starting to think he is a LIAR!
Im asking him now to explain the truth.. let´s see tomorrow what his response will be...
This is GOLD!!! 🙏🙏🙏
Bf is a therapist. This happens a lot fue to secondhand trauma. I hope this doesn't affect our relationship. 😭
This is just what I needed.
How long would you wait?
We have been in a relationship from the last year, it has all been great, we have had the best understanding and never really fought. Our families also know about us. But I have always known that he is facing a lot of stress because of his family and financial problems cuz of covid. He has been distant from last one month, and we only spoke four times on call, and I was the one who initiated it. Although he did say on call last four days back that he is seeking therapy and he would talk to me and meet me soon... but idk how much time more should I wait for him. The question is, if he says that he will call and meet soon, will he?
Loved this, thank you.
On point! I've learned this....everything is not about Me. I get "a project" to focus on when my man interest pulls away: work out, clean a room, cook a meal, hang w your girls...but let Him solve his problems alone or you are just adding to it
I just wanted to tell you that you have been really helpful, I've been watching your videos for a couple weeks now and you have helped me understand so many things! And you are so right! Thank you for being awesome!
I blew it, I totally went completely insane, needy GF on him after he pulled away. He was on a dating site within 2 days.
I am fairly sure it is not fixable. He might contact me again so how do I handle it? Cool? Remote? Caring?
Me too I went completely nuts but it’s been over a week since we’ve talked and I’m now done. You don’t need that stress. In time you’ll have to let him go if you haven’t already.
Best explanation ever!
I’m trying to learn and understand a guy I’m newly with the way he stresses is exactly how you describe it. Advice needed! He’s very stressed with rights to be but it’s been like 3weeks he’s been in his “guy space” what should I do and what shouldn’t I? Thank you!
What happened