Maaan, it's so disturbing my nervous system. This vicious cycle. I want something stable, not waiting for another shoe to drop. Been in this for 1.5 years and definitely made me more anxious and take away my self esteem
Yup!!! They have issues that need to be addressed before they can live someone outside of themselves!!! They are just full of BS and breadcrumbs because they want another notch on their bedpost!!
I understand what you say. You give her space and time. she disappears for 2 months and doesn't even look for you, no interest. Is that a normal, healthy relationship? Not to mention the sex... You can't give that much patience to anyone and get nothing in return but humiliation. Not to mention that she'll push you away again... Do you always play this game with her? It's a toxic thing, as much as it hurts, you give up on yourself..
Yup, I don’t get where people allow these avoidants to come back weeks to months after pulling away. Screw that, you get a week at most. After day 7, my 🍆 is finding a new 🐱 to lay in.
Avoidant’s put forth zero effort. They always play victim. They are lazy lovers. Lazy people in general. They put everything else over their partner. Even other people over you. Let’s take away the name ( avoidant ) they are simply toxic people which trauma that are not ready to be dated. Even if they come back, you need to remember they already left you, when you didn’t leave them. If you do take her back, be extremely reserved and allow her to put in effort. But remember you risk getting left again.
The morale of the story here is don't chase, attract. Work on yourself. Transform that anxious attachment style into a secure one. Let them come to you. Let them initiate contact. Let them be themselves while you grow, only then will you be able to make the right decison. Always remember, whats meant to be will be.
Rather than tiptoeing around them and hoping for a connection, which has every chance of emotionally devastating you again, you could just leave. You could try to find someone who will match your energy & effort, who will be your safe space, offering you stability & support, instead of the emotional rolleroaster nightmare avoidants pull you into.
That depends on your frame. If you have a weak frame, tou will succumb as the secure one and it will showcase that you're not yet as secure as how you think.
You know what? I realised I am anxiously attached and the avoidant just made those tendencies worse. Near the end of the second connection/discard I expressed how I felt. Genuine feelings. And yes it drove them away but by then I was at my wits end. I stopped reaching out to them. Now a few weeks later they started crumbing. it’s not them approaching me with genuine interest to try again - they just want validation to see if I’ll still be around. I don’t want that anymore. I’ve started therapy on my own issues to heal. Regardless avoidants damage anxious and secure attached people.
Damn, makes sense. Only realising now that I've been dealing with an avoidant. I apologized for my mistakes and gave her space when she started pulling back.
Oh man!!! You just explained my situation perfectly coach!!! 😢 I realised that I am have anxious attachment style but only because I didn’t understand his seeming lack of response.
I'm secure. I took several tests. He's an avoidant & I'm learning out to understand & deal with him. It's worth it to me. I love this video, it's crystal clear. Thank you.
Thank you for coming to you tube channel ! Your videos are so helpful ! and also your voice carries a calming way of explaining things that helps with my present anxiety..Thank your healing words, soft voice and trying to make us understand this complex attachment ❤ He went from great communication, to having anxious behavior to leaving for a job and stop all communication , ghosted me and blocked me ...😢 I havent reach to him and I wont .. One part still in love with the man we spent timeless hours together and getting along great ( besides all our issues ) to being a stranger and never reaching out ...He split my heart in half and crushed me ...I am listening with my brain, but my heart❤ wonders ... I keep working in my healing everyday...I know it takes time ...😢 Thank you for being in You tube !! Sending light to those who are going through painful moments ..❤
Anxious - I disagree. It’s normal to have open communication and transparency and convey feelings and talk through things when in a relationship. Yes you are right She literally told me on many occasions that she felt inadequate and unworthy of my love .
Ugh! Dealing with an avoidant right now but i am slowly shifting away but not trying to make a big deal out of this. I've already gave my notice to the company we both work for. In about a month, i plan to block and delete him entirely with absolutely no communication. I am far too mature for this. This video is very helpful ❤ Thank you. However, I've already made my decision to not engage with him any further. If he thinks he can make devisions, i am the one to make the final decision
I found you on tik tok, your videos help me in my current situation with a friend, so I’m learning everything I can to better understand our attachment styles and it has helped tremendously. Thanks brotha
Perfect so well articulated. And easy to follow steps. Thank you. Scripts would help alot what to say to them when we are having a convo when they come back. Instead of blowing up and releasing the stored up lava.
Going through it right now but just remember who you were before the relationship and stay focused on your personal life when they distance themselves. They do slowly come back and its annoying but videos like this help me realize they need compassion too but also never love someone more than yourself. Goodluck to everyone
I'm a fearful avoidant and I messed up with a couple of friends and felt the need to pull away and unfairly tested them where they didn't give me any reassurance. Truth was I guess I was scared of abandonment so I tried to abandon them first. But also they don't have secure attachment styles and little incongruencies here and there triggered me and I wasn't able to communicate that to them in a healthy way. I tried to apologize before I was fully ready and they refused to have a conversation and they've decided to stonewall me. Not sure how I feel or what I should do now. I want to encourage a conversation but it's hard in this situation if only one party is willing to talk. I realized I did something similar with my ex. I regret it and wish I did better and I want to fix this but I'm struggling to find out how and people don't want to try and understand.
you're putting in the effort and I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. you can never be sure that things are reparable, all you can do is try your best to be a better person and hopefully learn from your past mistakes. definitely have some empathy for yourself!
Exactly happened in my college days, it broke me when they stonewalled. I made up my mind never to return, I guarded my emotions and this spiralled into much more future injuries. I'm now full blown avoidant on the journey to healing.
Don’t beat yourself up! We’re all on our own unique journey. I’ve had similar experiences, and I feel that if they are not going to be understanding with me about my situation? They’re not worthy of being a friend.
What if you are married to one? One minute we are good then I see the withdrawal. Now we are separated he left and came back home. He said I can’t give you what you need. After 23 years, It seems like he is having a mid life crisis.
I’m so f*cking tired of us, anxious, having to cater to the avoidants needs. We’re supposed to give them space so they’re not triggered. What about our needs???? We’re just told all the time to “work on our attachment style”, like we’re the only one to have to do that and the avoidant gets to remain the same with no consequences.
Honestly, us anxious attachers have to check our stuff , too. However, we must not twist ourselves into 🥨 to appease them. Set those boundaries, standards and expectations down and challenge them. They either run or play ball. If they run, good. If they play ball and get the help they need and show progress, good. Other than that, leave them alone unless you want to end up in therapy for a long time.
100 percent agree with you. Why is our issue? Why don't they have to work on it, it's always us. We are the issue and we need to adjust. Were told we're trying too hard, how about telling them they don't try enough or at all. Isn't that the real issue?
What difference does it make if avoidant or narcissists when the basic core criteria of a relationship is not met one must get out of the relationship, relationship without empathy is nothing ,
Its such a mess. Was having a good time with one and after seeing a couple of concerts together where it seemed to me that things were progressing along, just silence. I chased, I confessed that I missed who she had been sometime before and got the "Im confused, I self sabotage" text. Should have stayed away but I stayed in the FZ for a couple of months. No more, been no contact for 2 weeks. Its like waking up from a spell.
I nearly got sucked in too, 3 month relationship- he sabotaged a couple days ago and instead of asking questions or chasing him I just said “ ok, wish the best for you” and then haven’t said another word, I’m bored and tired of this garbage. He can be all sad and traumatized all he wants, but he’s not doing this on my time, my life was way worse than his and I’m not out here pulling this sh*t
I texted him the next day and called him out with very short text. And left him alone. It's called self respect. I don't think what I did was in anxious mode but secure person would call them out firmly, no lecturing, long msgs or blow up their phone
To all the FA's working on themselves, props 💪🏽 To all the people dealing with an FA, if youbtruly love them, be a leader and handle the situation. Not only will it help the FA, it will elevate you in ways you cant even imagine. Dumping them is you not seeing the bigger picture. Love conquers all. Do the work.
As bad as knowing the avoidant partner, he has helped me to become secure. We were in no contact for 3 months and I used the time to focus on my inner work and spent a lot of time understanding the attachment style both the avoidant and anxious. He came back2 months later but I spoke to him 1 month later, total of 3 months of no contact. This time, my nervous system is no longer feel triggered by him pulling away. I dont double text or ask him questions, he'd come back after 24 hrs. This time, he lied to me pulled away and blocked me but unblocked me 12 hrs later. I called him out on his behavior and blocked him. I don't feel sad nor upset with him. Thanks to this experience, it helps me to become more secure
@@nancye2000 I think the 'acceptable' measure is simply how long you are willing to wait on a personal level. We anxious people have a huge problem trying to find answers to our own problems in other people, when we should decide this kind of thing ourselves.
It doenst matter if you give them space. They are gone. No matter what you do. They only reach out to get rid of their guilt. Block them. Never look back. Second round will be worse.
@@Jen-K-2024 Look how low he got you. He dragged you into his hell. End it for yourself. Get up. Find your dignity. Will only get worse. He is a loser.
Here is the best advice that none of these UA-camrs will give but is the best advice. If you’re dating a DA… dump them, file for divorce or just leave them. They are damaged and will never fix themselves as long as you’re enabling them by staying. If you are interested in a dismissive avoidant. RUN!
The DA woman I was dating read the book Attached that I recommended to her. Then she broke up with me the next day, claiming we are not going to work and that her abusive ex husbands are examples of secure men that she was with (I lean anxious). One ex husband beat her before and during the marriage and the other one r@ped her in the marriage. Yet, she thinks they were secure man as she was telling me this shortly after announcing we are breaking up. Glad to be out of that mess.
Relationship with avoidant is basically all about them. You need to throw out your needs through the window just not to trigger them. No thanks. Fuck that and this kind of "relationship"
@@1224polo you actually don't need to do any of that. State your needs, if they don't wanna work with you just leave. They have needs and boundaries too. Do you think they should toss those out the window to walk on eggshells so as not to create an emotional volatile reaction from their partner? I've seen the anxious/avoidant relationship play out in real time and it's not pretty from either end.
You will twist your a$$ into a 🥨 trying to appease and walk on eggshells so they won’t get triggered. F that noise! I’d rather date an anxious woman before an avoidant.
What if you do wait until they come back to the relationship and do show their emotions and you explain all of this to them and they comprehend it but still continue to do the same behaviors. All I ask for her to do is let me know when she’s feeling overwhelmed and needs space and I’ll gladly give it to her but each time she just goes off into avoidant mode and I’m left hanging wondering if this is gonna be the time I am being dumped. Happens every time. And I do get stronger and stronger each time in hopes that eventually she sees that I am not going anywhere.
Am I entitled to reach out if the guy I was seeing for more than 4 years suddenly pulled away and it’s been 3 months? Or I should just move on without even knowing why he pulled away? So frustrating…
Wow. That's something else. It probably couldn't hurt. If he left without saying goodbye then he doesn't deserve it. Might make it worse for you. Let him reach out to you. It's the best way. Work on yourself. Hit the gym, hang around with you gf's, etc. Give it some time. I've been through it.
i was a secure partner but his avoidant behavior has imparted anxious attachment in me. So it's not my fault majorly and I have to work on to heal both of us because i dont want to end the relationship. he keeps on hurting me unknowingly and doesn't care about it until the last moment. I'm so fed up and frustrated with this pattern going on for about 2+ years. I don't think so i can take it anymore. I'm a secure person if the other person is not avoidant. But all of this is making me lose my patience now. I can't take it anymore I think I'll just break up at this point but he's someone whom I love and I don't want to give up on him but this is killing me from inside. it has made me insecure and kills my inner peace on a daily basis.
@@NYLIBERTY4LYFEWe broke up two months ago. I was on the verge of losing my sanity. Even then I told him to not give up on each other. I was in a miserable condition. He didn’t show an emotion. He acted so cold and reluctant even at the end. Lol.
Soooo sounds like me (anxious attachment) doing all the work... On myself, on giving them space and on communication I vote let them If they keep loosing people they will have to take a look In side and then might make meaningful change
Beginning of June I bumped into my FA ex (he run for the hills due to his fears, even though he has strong feelings) & it wasn't planned (after he pulled away, he started avoiding me & the street where he knows he can find me at a specific time, but few times he popped up there to see me from a distance and say hi, even 2 days before the "unplanned bumping into each other", but every time he had programmed to do so - used to program big emotional things too while together). We were driving home and I say hi, he slowed down, turned towards me and only raised the hand, looking like he had seen a ghost, I saw terror in his face 😢 straight in NC after that, to let his fears go down and not push him further away
This is so exhausting. I was abused by ny ex narcissist. But I don’t think I can do this with my current partner. I have ptsd and we been friends for 6 years and tbh I may have to end our relationship and friendship for now. I’m gonna drive myself insane
A paradox. They frighten abandon but you cannot say you won't abandon them. If you are more sicure they will surely fell more insicure... what to do then?
Just let them be, don't chase, don't initiate contact and let them come to you, just tread carefully and don't get emotional when you speak to them, you have to focus on yourself and act like you almost don't care about their behaviour - see this as an opportunity to work on your own attachment style, use the pain and stress to grow from anxious attachment to secure, just remember what's meant to be will be
What if we made the mistake of writing them an email we ARENT GOING ANYWHERE. She has been gone a month. I thought I was doing the stable thing by being secure , but I’m realizing now that was a big mistake. She mentioned she was an avoidant, and that we are triggering to each other. Should I tell her I’m considering ending the marriage ? Or will that trigger her more ? I’m actually kinda serious , because I’m tired of the pain.
what if you mirrorign them and respecting their space, they mgiht think that you dont care anymore or that youre not trying as hard and doesnt come back?
Sometimes Idk if my avoidant is pulling away from me or she is pulling away because of her own problems. idk what to do when she pulls away because of her own problems, can I get some advice on it ?
This video got good points but the advice encourages us to accept and tolerate a person that got a toxic and immature behavior towards others, despite that one suffer neglected as child do not excuse their poor handling of others, not only many of those avoidant emotionally hurt other by their continued chase me, pulling and not carrying to invest properly Into their connection but this is some sort games that is some sort abuse on the other person
So in the beginning she and I had this anazing connection. It felt like we were on cloud nine for months. Now shes def more reserved and ive asked on multiple occasions what the reasons for this are? Shes told me nothings changed, but her actions have and its confusing me. I feel like im getting bread crumbed. When im having a terrible day she show zero interest in asking why or wanting to talk about it. I feel shes emotionally unavialble and puts others above me. She def plays the victim too. So overall i want to make it work, but its getting hard and its def taking a toll on my mental and physical health. Thanks for the advice , i will definitly work on my own attachment style going forward. Appreciate the help!
In the beginning, avoidants don’t have that trigger of fear from closeness because you don’t really know each other. So she can be real open and connect with you. Once things get closer and deeper, THEN you start seeing the pulling away, wanting space and all the other 🐂 💩 that comes from them. It’s crazy making for sure.
I feel attacked. I did the opposite of what you said, but i also didn’t know about what an avoidant person is. And yep, that’s exactly what happened. She hates me even more.
If they pull away and come back ask them if they have considered therapy to figure out why they pull away. Don't bend over backward to keep an avoidant. If an avoidant isn't at the point where they want to heal their wounds, the behavior will continue.
I tried to bend over backward for a second visit for my ex dismissive avoidant gf. Didn’t work. She just took and took and took. Now, I’m a hard a$$ with her. Don’t respond to her texts. Now if it is a yes / no question regarding something we had previously scheduled before the breakup, I’d respond. Other than that, she stays on “Delivered” status and I have muted alerts for her text messages so I don’t even hear them.
2-3 weeks? Try 3 months. She came back apologizing and after a few texts back and forth she disappeared again. Back to giving her space and doing my thing. 🤷
Then that's it. But your chances of he/she coming back assuming he/she is an avoidant is far better if you just don't chase them. The avoid when you get close/pursue. Not logical but it isn't logic we are dealing here with...
Thing is they produce results in people that are so similar with their behaviors and words, it seems damn near the same. Some people say intent is the difference. Well screw intent. If you make me feel the same way, regardless of intent, you can hit the road.
I have been keep texting and pressure him like for 3 or 4 times when he wanted some space. What is my chances to get him back coach. He did not block me yet but did not respond any of my messages. I really need help and hope :(
I think one of the key factors that you missed in commenting on with your video, is the fact that the person that's avoidant needs to be aware that their behavior is toxic to the relationship. If they aren't aware that what their behavior is doing is effecting the relationship then it won't matter if you give them space till the end of time it's not going to make a difference
It’s claimed that is one of their core issues….they are not aware. Even if you try to make them aware, they have their feelings and empathy so repressed, they would need tons of therapy to uncover it. Not worth my time to hang around.
So, why does everyone else have to do the work besides the avoidant? I'm kind of tired of hearing that we have to cave because they can't deal with anything. Ugh. When do our needs get met?
listen carefully to the video again. the steps. if you kindly explain to them how this hurts you and ways which it can be changed and they are willing to do the work to become safer partners. all good. if they don’t do the work or make an effort towards healing then i say, leave them.
Going through the same thing. Work on yourself, on your own attachment style, work towards being secure because no other person can ever give you the happiness you're looking for, only you can. If it's meant to be it will be, so let them be them and you work on you.
Oh yes, I abandoned him, a self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm done with him. I'm a feminine woman and I don't chase. A true feminine never chases. I felt disrespected and betrayed so I cut off all contact. I hadn't intended it to be permanent, but it actually is now. He's the farthest thing from what i want or would even accept. A masculine who is toxic and gjves me nothing but disrespect and betrayal? You best believe I dropped him like a hot potato. I'm not taking him back.
The kind of pushing away my avoidant partner did was have sex with another woman because he can’t commit to me because of his fearful avoidant core wound.
Avoidant women are emotionally damaged beyond repair. Have known a few ( far more than men - 99 to 1 ). Some childhood trauma not dealt with & never will be. Never got involved with them, never will. No contact rule comes in here, if she pulls away, Sayonara.
I dated two who were physically and sexually assaulted in their marriages. They were pretty horrible partners - cheaters, liars, gaslighters, you name it. Both had Herpes which I didn’t know about until later. Luckily, I did not contract it. Tested and clean.
My ex Dismissive Avoidant gf claimed she was in love with me (lies) and previously said she was in love with her woman beating 1st ex husband. She talked about him quite a bit so I think she truly loved him (he took her virginity). However he beat her before and during their marriage. Yet, she still had space for him in her heart. Can’t make this up.
Excellent information but the next time the mirrored sunglasses have to go! Makes me think that Coach Ryan is not comfortable one to one (and that may not be at all true.)
@@Nono38-jj1tk I did add: "(and that may not be at all true.)" I still prefer to see a person's eyes in person or in talks -- that's a strong preference and that's not "controlling" -- it's just a strong preference and I am entitled to my opinion as are you. And for you to write such a strong preference you might develop a little humility too.
PEOPLE!! It’s a common courtesy to remove your sunglasses when speaking to someone!! (Just sayin’!) It’s respectful that you want people to be able to see your eyes AND you want to see theirs! I’ll think of listening once he removes his sunglasses-then I’ll think of subscribing if I like the content. Thanks.
Maaan, it's so disturbing my nervous system. This vicious cycle. I want something stable, not waiting for another shoe to drop. Been in this for 1.5 years and definitely made me more anxious and take away my self esteem
2 years here ... I relate!
Oh my goodness. So am I! 1.5 years.
I recently told mine I couldn’t stay because I felt the same way.
Same here. Ughhh. Ridiculous.
8 years here and just feels I’m going round in circles
@@jamiewatchorn7639 so sorry man, I feel for you. I wish there was a group that met once a week like AA... for people in relationships with DAs .
Good luck having a mature conversation about healthy boundaries, expectations, and needs with an avoidant.
Yup!!! They have issues that need to be addressed before they can live someone outside of themselves!!! They are just full of BS and breadcrumbs because they want another notch on their bedpost!!
For real this is the reality
Nothing works, they start to deny and blame you
all avoidants art not the same, there are huge number of variations...
When someone pulls away you pull away and keep it pushing with your life and find someone else who doesn’t have all these insecurities.
Facts!
They want space? Give'em the universe 👋🏻
Make them an astronaut
@@ketobodybuilder2482Both of you guys are dropping 💣.
I understand what you say. You give her space and time. she disappears for 2 months and doesn't even look for you, no interest.
Is that a normal, healthy relationship?
Not to mention the sex...
You can't give that much patience to anyone and get nothing in return but humiliation.
Not to mention that she'll push you away again... Do you always play this game with her?
It's a toxic thing, as much as it hurts, you give up on yourself..
Yup, I don’t get where people allow these avoidants to come back weeks to months after pulling away. Screw that, you get a week at most. After day 7, my 🍆 is finding a new 🐱 to lay in.
Avoidant’s put forth zero effort. They always play victim. They are lazy lovers. Lazy people in general. They put everything else over their partner. Even other people over you. Let’s take away the name ( avoidant ) they are simply toxic people which trauma that are not ready to be dated. Even if they come back, you need to remember they already left you, when you didn’t leave them. If you do take her back, be extremely reserved and allow her to put in effort. But remember you risk getting left again.
100% true!
10000000%
So true!!!! And that part about them being lazy lovers… 👀
well said bro 💯
Thank you.
Anxious there’s room for self reflection. Avoidants seem terrified of self reflection
The morale of the story here is don't chase, attract. Work on yourself. Transform that anxious attachment style into a secure one. Let them come to you. Let them initiate contact. Let them be themselves while you grow, only then will you be able to make the right decison. Always remember, whats meant to be will be.
Rather than tiptoeing around them and hoping for a connection, which has every chance of emotionally devastating you again, you could just leave. You could try to find someone who will match your energy & effort, who will be your safe space, offering you stability & support, instead of the emotional rolleroaster nightmare avoidants pull you into.
Also I think as a secure being with unsecure, it's gonna make you more unsecure as well, no other way around
That depends on your frame. If you have a weak frame, tou will succumb as the secure one and it will showcase that you're not yet as secure as how you think.
You know what? I realised I am anxiously attached and the avoidant just made those tendencies worse. Near the end of the second connection/discard I expressed how I felt. Genuine feelings. And yes it drove them away but by then I was at my wits end. I stopped reaching out to them. Now a few weeks later they started crumbing. it’s not them approaching me with genuine interest to try again - they just want validation to see if I’ll still be around. I don’t want that anymore. I’ve started therapy on my own issues to heal. Regardless avoidants damage anxious and secure attached people.
Damn, makes sense. Only realising now that I've been dealing with an avoidant. I apologized for my mistakes and gave her space when she started pulling back.
Oh man!!! You just explained my situation perfectly coach!!! 😢
I realised that I am have anxious attachment style but only because I didn’t understand his seeming lack of response.
I'm secure. I took several tests. He's an avoidant & I'm learning out to understand & deal with him. It's worth it to me. I love this video, it's crystal clear. Thank you.
Good luck.
If only there was more people like you in comments❤
Wish you luck:)
I wish you the absolute best
You’re headed for a padded room if you hang in their😮
Thank you for coming to you tube channel ! Your videos are so helpful ! and also your voice carries a calming way of explaining things that helps with my present anxiety..Thank your healing words, soft voice and trying to make us understand this complex attachment ❤ He went from great communication, to having anxious behavior to leaving for a job and stop all communication , ghosted me and blocked me ...😢 I havent reach to him and I wont .. One part still in love with the man we spent timeless hours together and getting along great ( besides all our issues ) to being a stranger and never reaching out ...He split my heart in half and crushed me ...I am listening with my brain, but my heart❤ wonders ... I keep working in my healing everyday...I know it takes time ...😢 Thank you for being in You tube !! Sending light to those who are going through painful moments ..❤
I hope you are doing much better now! I bet you have come so far! Congratulations
Anxious - I disagree.
It’s normal to have open communication and transparency and convey feelings and talk through things when in a relationship.
Yes you are right
She literally told me on many occasions that she felt inadequate and unworthy of my love .
Ugh! Dealing with an avoidant right now but i am slowly shifting away but not trying to make a big deal out of this. I've already gave my notice to the company we both work for. In about a month, i plan to block and delete him entirely with absolutely no communication. I am far too mature for this.
This video is very helpful ❤
Thank you.
However, I've already made my decision to not engage with him any further. If he thinks he can make devisions, i am the one to make the final decision
Good for you. It’s your life. Protect your heart.
When he pulls away leave him forever ❤
I found you on tik tok, your videos help me in my current situation with a friend, so I’m learning everything I can to better understand our attachment styles and it has helped tremendously. Thanks brotha
You just gained another subscriber! Wow. This video was eye-opening for me. Thank you.
Perfect so well articulated. And easy to follow steps. Thank you. Scripts would help alot what to say to them when we are having a convo when they come back. Instead of blowing up and releasing the stored up lava.
Did they come back
@@kencarey6483 yes
Going through it right now but just remember who you were before the relationship and stay focused on your personal life when they distance themselves. They do slowly come back and its annoying but videos like this help me realize they need compassion too but also never love someone more than yourself. Goodluck to everyone
The most sensible advice 👌
I'm a fearful avoidant and I messed up with a couple of friends and felt the need to pull away and unfairly tested them where they didn't give me any reassurance. Truth was I guess I was scared of abandonment so I tried to abandon them first. But also they don't have secure attachment styles and little incongruencies here and there triggered me and I wasn't able to communicate that to them in a healthy way. I tried to apologize before I was fully ready and they refused to have a conversation and they've decided to stonewall me. Not sure how I feel or what I should do now. I want to encourage a conversation but it's hard in this situation if only one party is willing to talk. I realized I did something similar with my ex. I regret it and wish I did better and I want to fix this but I'm struggling to find out how and people don't want to try and understand.
you're putting in the effort and I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. you can never be sure that things are reparable, all you can do is try your best to be a better person and hopefully learn from your past mistakes. definitely have some empathy for yourself!
Exactly happened in my college days, it broke me when they stonewalled. I made up my mind never to return, I guarded my emotions and this spiralled into much more future injuries. I'm now full blown avoidant on the journey to healing.
Don’t beat yourself up! We’re all on our own unique journey. I’ve had similar experiences, and I feel that if they are not going to be understanding with me about my situation? They’re not worthy of being a friend.
What if you are married to one? One minute we are good then I see the withdrawal. Now we are separated he left and came back home. He said I can’t give you what you need. After 23 years, It seems like he is having a mid life crisis.
Hey your loved, okay? Don’t feel blue. We’re all right there with you
Just what i needed, the solution i wanted so badly. Thank you, very practicle!!
I’m so f*cking tired of us, anxious, having to cater to the avoidants needs. We’re supposed to give them space so they’re not triggered. What about our needs???? We’re just told all the time to “work on our attachment style”, like we’re the only one to have to do that and the avoidant gets to remain the same with no consequences.
Honestly, us anxious attachers have to check our stuff , too. However, we must not twist ourselves into 🥨 to appease them. Set those boundaries, standards and expectations down and challenge them. They either run or play ball. If they run, good. If they play ball and get the help they need and show progress, good. Other than that, leave them alone unless you want to end up in therapy for a long time.
100 percent agree with you. Why is our issue? Why don't they have to work on it, it's always us. We are the issue and we need to adjust. Were told we're trying too hard, how about telling them they don't try enough or at all. Isn't that the real issue?
@@nickbelkin9180did you listen to the video. the steps ?
Wow! This video is spot on for my situation.
What difference does it make if avoidant or narcissists when the basic core criteria of a relationship is not met one must get out of the relationship, relationship without empathy is nothing ,
Thank you so much. I needed this right now.
Man thank you. I am just going through it now, and I really appreciate this video. Keep the good work up Ryan, well done.
Its such a mess. Was having a good time with one and after seeing a couple of concerts together where it seemed to me that things were progressing along, just silence. I chased, I confessed that I missed who she had been sometime before and got the "Im confused, I self sabotage" text. Should have stayed away but I stayed in the FZ for a couple of months. No more, been no contact for 2 weeks. Its like waking up from a spell.
I nearly got sucked in too, 3 month relationship- he sabotaged a couple days ago and instead of asking questions or chasing him I just said “ ok, wish the best for you” and then haven’t said another word, I’m bored and tired of this garbage.
He can be all sad and traumatized all he wants, but he’s not doing this on my time, my life was way worse than his and I’m not out here pulling this sh*t
I texted him the next day and called him out with very short text. And left him alone. It's called self respect.
I don't think what I did was in anxious mode but secure person would call them out firmly, no lecturing, long msgs or blow up their phone
To all the FA's working on themselves, props 💪🏽
To all the people dealing with an FA, if youbtruly love them, be a leader and handle the situation. Not only will it help the FA, it will elevate you in ways you cant even imagine. Dumping them is you not seeing the bigger picture. Love conquers all. Do the work.
No thanks dump or cheat on them
@@themoonbleu627 not having integrity makes you fare worse.
Love does not conquer all. 💔
@@eppsislike no thanks. She just dumped me for fifth time without any reason
@@1224polo fifth time? ... your fault. Own it.
As bad as knowing the avoidant partner, he has helped me to become secure. We were in no contact for 3 months and I used the time to focus on my inner work and spent a lot of time understanding the attachment style both the avoidant and anxious. He came back2 months later but I spoke to him 1 month later, total of 3 months of no contact.
This time, my nervous system is no longer feel triggered by him pulling away. I dont double text or ask him questions, he'd come back after 24 hrs.
This time, he lied to me pulled away and blocked me but unblocked me 12 hrs later.
I called him out on his behavior and blocked him.
I don't feel sad nor upset with him. Thanks to this experience, it helps me to become more secure
You say hold back until they initiate contact with you again. What if they don't?
And 'having a discussion'. What would that entail?
I want to know that too. How long is acceptable to wait or just realize they’re not coming back at all?
@@nancye2000 I think the 'acceptable' measure is simply how long you are willing to wait on a personal level. We anxious people have a huge problem trying to find answers to our own problems in other people, when we should decide this kind of thing ourselves.
Lose the HOPE. It's over that's how you deal with it. Unacceptable behaviour to be dealing with in the long run.
It doenst matter if you give them space. They are gone. No matter what you do.
They only reach out to get rid of their guilt.
Block them.
Never look back.
Second round will be worse.
@@Jen-K-2024
Look how low he got you.
He dragged you into his hell.
End it for yourself.
Get up.
Find your dignity.
Will only get worse.
He is a loser.
Here is the best advice that none of these UA-camrs will give but is the best advice. If you’re dating a DA… dump them, file for divorce or just leave them. They are damaged and will never fix themselves as long as you’re enabling them by staying. If you are interested in a dismissive avoidant. RUN!
True. These people need to be by themselves and heal
The DA woman I was dating read the book Attached that I recommended to her. Then she broke up with me the next day, claiming we are not going to work and that her abusive ex husbands are examples of secure men that she was with (I lean anxious). One ex husband beat her before and during the marriage and the other one r@ped her in the marriage. Yet, she thinks they were secure man as she was telling me this shortly after announcing we are breaking up. Glad to be out of that mess.
Relationship with avoidant is basically all about them. You need to throw out your needs through the window just not to trigger them. No thanks. Fuck that and this kind of "relationship"
@@1224polo you actually don't need to do any of that. State your needs, if they don't wanna work with you just leave. They have needs and boundaries too. Do you think they should toss those out the window to walk on eggshells so as not to create an emotional volatile reaction from their partner? I've seen the anxious/avoidant relationship play out in real time and it's not pretty from either end.
@@MikeS-r2pvery true people want to be understood but do not want to understand other's
@@wambsmie 💯
You will twist your a$$ into a 🥨 trying to appease and walk on eggshells so they won’t get triggered. F that noise! I’d rather date an anxious woman before an avoidant.
What if you do wait until they come back to the relationship and do show their emotions and you explain all of this to them and they comprehend it but still continue to do the same behaviors. All I ask for her to do is let me know when she’s feeling overwhelmed and needs space and I’ll gladly give it to her but each time she just goes off into avoidant mode and I’m left hanging wondering if this is gonna be the time I am being dumped. Happens every time. And I do get stronger and stronger each time in hopes that eventually she sees that I am not going anywhere.
Needed this thank you
Ran away second time when I confronted her about her lying, i got so upset and angry as I was also working really hard to build back trust
Am I entitled to reach out if the guy I was seeing for more than 4 years suddenly pulled away and it’s been 3 months? Or I should just move on without even knowing why he pulled away? So frustrating…
3 months pulled away??? He has spoken to you? He doesn’t wanna see you? That’s not an avoidant. That’s a guy who clearly isn’t interested
@@joev7014 Fearful avoidants can disappear for months, because they disconnect.
Wow. That's something else. It probably couldn't hurt. If he left without saying goodbye then he doesn't deserve it. Might make it worse for you. Let him reach out to you. It's the best way.
Work on yourself. Hit the gym, hang around with you gf's, etc. Give it some time. I've been through it.
@@cherrylane79Why are people holding out for these people? Leave them the fruck alone.
Your videos are amazing so knowledgeable. Thank you.🙏
i was a secure partner but his avoidant behavior has imparted anxious attachment in me. So it's not my fault majorly and I have to work on to heal both of us because i dont want to end the relationship. he keeps on hurting me unknowingly and doesn't care about it until the last moment. I'm so fed up and frustrated with this pattern going on for about 2+ years. I don't think so i can take it anymore. I'm a secure person if the other person is not avoidant. But all of this is making me lose my patience now. I can't take it anymore I think I'll just break up at this point but he's someone whom I love and I don't want to give up on him but this is killing me from inside. it has made me insecure and kills my inner peace on a daily basis.
That's what he left out. Avoidant makes a secure partner anxious if they don't leave or the Avoidant doesn't mirror/change
@@NYLIBERTY4LYFEWe broke up two months ago. I was on the verge of losing my sanity. Even then I told him to not give up on each other. I was in a miserable condition. He didn’t show an emotion. He acted so cold and reluctant even at the end. Lol.
Soooo sounds like me (anxious attachment) doing all the work... On myself, on giving them space and on communication
I vote let them
If they keep loosing people they will have to take a look In side and then might make meaningful change
They just settle for situationships like my ex DA gf. That’s her lane, where she gets screwed and has no real connections with the men she dates.
Yes but the part about healing your AP will get you to eventually leave or they change. You will not stay
Beginning of June I bumped into my FA ex (he run for the hills due to his fears, even though he has strong feelings) & it wasn't planned (after he pulled away, he started avoiding me & the street where he knows he can find me at a specific time, but few times he popped up there to see me from a distance and say hi, even 2 days before the "unplanned bumping into each other", but every time he had programmed to do so - used to program big emotional things too while together). We were driving home and I say hi, he slowed down, turned towards me and only raised the hand, looking like he had seen a ghost, I saw terror in his face 😢 straight in NC after that, to let his fears go down and not push him further away
This is so exhausting. I was abused by ny ex narcissist. But I don’t think I can do this with my current partner. I have ptsd and we been friends for 6 years and tbh I may have to end our relationship and friendship for now. I’m gonna drive myself insane
Great information.
I don't think anyone that has to go through this crap has any liability here.
A paradox. They frighten abandon but you cannot say you won't abandon them. If you are more sicure they will surely fell more insicure... what to do then?
Just let them be, don't chase, don't initiate contact and let them come to you, just tread carefully and don't get emotional when you speak to them, you have to focus on yourself and act like you almost don't care about their behaviour - see this as an opportunity to work on your own attachment style, use the pain and stress to grow from anxious attachment to secure, just remember what's meant to be will be
Wow this is good.
What if we made the mistake of writing them an email we ARENT GOING ANYWHERE. She has been gone a month. I thought I was doing the stable thing by being secure , but I’m realizing now that was a big mistake. She mentioned she was an avoidant, and that we are triggering to each other.
Should I tell her I’m considering ending the marriage ? Or will that trigger her more ? I’m actually kinda serious , because I’m tired of the pain.
what if you mirrorign them and respecting their space, they mgiht think that you dont care anymore or that youre not trying as hard and doesnt come back?
Sometimes Idk if my avoidant is pulling away from me or she is pulling away because of her own problems. idk what to do when she pulls away because of her own problems, can I get some advice on it ?
This video got good points but the advice encourages us to accept and tolerate a person that got a toxic and immature behavior towards others, despite that one suffer neglected as child do not excuse their poor handling of others, not only many of those avoidant emotionally hurt other by their continued chase me, pulling and not carrying to invest properly Into their connection but this is some sort games that is some sort abuse on the other person
So in the beginning she and I had this anazing connection. It felt like we were on cloud nine for months. Now shes def more reserved and ive asked on multiple occasions what the reasons for this are? Shes told me nothings changed, but her actions have and its confusing me. I feel like im getting bread crumbed. When im having a terrible day she show zero interest in asking why or wanting to talk about it. I feel shes emotionally unavialble and puts others above me. She def plays the victim too. So overall i want to make it work, but its getting hard and its def taking a toll on my mental and physical health. Thanks for the advice , i will definitly work on my own attachment style going forward. Appreciate the help!
In the beginning, avoidants don’t have that trigger of fear from closeness because you don’t really know each other. So she can be real open and connect with you. Once things get closer and deeper, THEN you start seeing the pulling away, wanting space and all the other 🐂 💩 that comes from them. It’s crazy making for sure.
I feel attacked. I did the opposite of what you said, but i also didn’t know about what an avoidant person is. And yep, that’s exactly what happened. She hates me even more.
Sir this was extremely helpful
If they pull away and come back ask them if they have considered therapy to figure out why they pull away. Don't bend over backward to keep an avoidant. If an avoidant isn't at the point where they want to heal their wounds, the behavior will continue.
I tried to bend over backward for a second visit for my ex dismissive avoidant gf. Didn’t work. She just took and took and took. Now, I’m a hard a$$ with her. Don’t respond to her texts. Now if it is a yes / no question regarding something we had previously scheduled before the breakup, I’d respond. Other than that, she stays on “Delivered” status and I have muted alerts for her text messages so I don’t even hear them.
Yeah- thats what he said- I cant give you what you need- I responded- I don’t know what I need either😂 so hence the confusion
How about
If you are a dismissive /fearful avoidant get help and avoid us normal people that know how to love
So true 😂
Exactly, who has time for this
This is crazy.
Can it take 2-3 weeks for them to come around again? That’s not logical. If they fear loosing me, and I show that this won’t happen, they pull away???
There’s nothing you can do, they’ll just keep doing this and masking your life hell until you can’t take it anymore and leave
2-3 weeks? Try 3 months. She came back apologizing and after a few texts back and forth she disappeared again. Back to giving her space and doing my thing. 🤷
Whatever you do if they are gone you have lost.
For good.
What if they don’t come back ?
Life goes on if they do. Your life is whole with or without them
Then that's it. But your chances of he/she coming back assuming he/she is an avoidant is far better if you just don't chase them. The avoid when you get close/pursue. Not logical but it isn't logic we are dealing here with...
Good riddens.
Piece and time to heal
Thank God and move on. You don’t need that 💩 in your life.
But how do you know they are not a covert narcissist?
Since it's on a spectrum they might be.
Avoidants have warmth- narcs are cold as hell, try crying- it’s a test
Avoidants dont care if you cry too.
They are covert narcs
Does it really matter? I mean is that gonna change what they did or how it felt??
Thing is they produce results in people that are so similar with their behaviors and words, it seems damn near the same. Some people say intent is the difference. Well screw intent. If you make me feel the same way, regardless of intent, you can hit the road.
It’s interesting reading the comments. They are very anxious preoccupied. I think you all missed the point of this video, which is absolutely correct.
I have been keep texting and pressure him like for 3 or 4 times when he wanted some space. What is my chances to get him back coach. He did not block me yet but did not respond any of my messages. I really need help and hope :(
How's it going now??
They only love themselves 😂
Narcs?
@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l An avoidant
uuffffff the perfect match for a massive disaster . Life’s a beautiful Gift from GOD to waisted with wrong person. Just let them go.
Agreed, just keep walking and let them learn the hard way
I think one of the key factors that you missed in commenting on with your video, is the fact that the person that's avoidant needs to be aware that their behavior is toxic to the relationship. If they aren't aware that what their behavior is doing is effecting the relationship then it won't matter if you give them space till the end of time it's not going to make a difference
It’s claimed that is one of their core issues….they are not aware. Even if you try to make them aware, they have their feelings and empathy so repressed, they would need tons of therapy to uncover it. Not worth my time to hang around.
So, why does everyone else have to do the work besides the avoidant? I'm kind of tired of hearing that we have to cave because they can't deal with anything. Ugh. When do our needs get met?
listen carefully to the video again. the steps. if you kindly explain to them how this hurts you and ways which it can be changed and they are willing to do the work to become safer partners. all good. if they don’t do the work or make an effort towards healing then i say, leave them.
How long is acceptable space..its been 2 weeks weve been together a month am i supposed to just wait around in limbo bcs she wont communicate
No..don't wait..move on with your life and find someone who matches your love language
Going through the same thing. Work on yourself, on your own attachment style, work towards being secure because no other person can ever give you the happiness you're looking for, only you can. If it's meant to be it will be, so let them be them and you work on you.
Oh yes, I abandoned him, a self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm done with him. I'm a feminine woman and I don't chase. A true feminine never chases. I felt disrespected and betrayed so I cut off all contact. I hadn't intended it to be permanent, but it actually is now. He's the farthest thing from what i want or would even accept. A masculine who is toxic and gjves me nothing but disrespect and betrayal? You best believe I dropped him like a hot potato. I'm not taking him back.
Can an Avoidant watch your series of videos and would it be of benefit to them?
Because this is of immense benefit to me as the spouse of an Avoidant
The kind of pushing away my avoidant partner did was have sex with another woman because he can’t commit to me because of his fearful avoidant core wound.
Same here. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through that and YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!! Sending hugs💕
Yup, they do that to create emotional distance. However, have a strong boundary regarding that and eject his a$$ out of your life.
I'm the GF, so while he's away for days to weeks, may I date someone else?
Just block him.
And than date.
The same question 😂
End the relationship and then date others.
@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l And I did just that. Got fed up, said bye, and a week later someone very special came into my life.
Let them!!
Avoidant women are emotionally damaged beyond repair. Have known a few ( far more than men - 99 to 1 ). Some childhood trauma not dealt with & never will be.
Never got involved with them, never will.
No contact rule comes in here, if she pulls away, Sayonara.
I dated two who were physically and sexually assaulted in their marriages. They were pretty horrible partners - cheaters, liars, gaslighters, you name it. Both had Herpes which I didn’t know about until later. Luckily, I did not contract it. Tested and clean.
100%!!
Do avoidants fall in love at all?
Themselfs 😂😂
My ex Dismissive Avoidant gf claimed she was in love with me (lies) and previously said she was in love with her woman beating 1st ex husband. She talked about him quite a bit so I think she truly loved him (he took her virginity). However he beat her before and during their marriage. Yet, she still had space for him in her heart. Can’t make this up.
Didn’t watch the video, but the answer is simple, if they avoid you, you avoid them.
And what if he finds another woman;
Praise god with all your being”, you’ve dodged a bazooka”.
feel pity for her
Yeah I screw it up with an avoidant guy for good idk anymore
its a perfect excuse for space to go hook up with some one new.
Yup. Been there done that with an avoidant woman. She cheated and swore she didn’t.
I've broken up with her
Not helpful. What kind of discussion?
To bad people can’t grow up and fix themselves.
Wow, so many vicious comments. It’s really easy to hate on an avoidant isn’t it… There’s a reason why anxious and avoidant attract.
Avoidants produce damage in people along the same lines that narcissists do. They can either seek help or keep getting called out.
Excellent information but the next time the mirrored sunglasses have to go! Makes me think that Coach Ryan is not comfortable one to one (and that may not be at all true.)
How controlling and presumptuous of you. He may have thyroid eye disease. A little humility goes a long ways.
@@Nono38-jj1tk I did add: "(and that may not be at all true.)" I still prefer to see a person's eyes in person or in talks -- that's a strong preference and that's not "controlling" -- it's just a strong preference and I am entitled to my opinion as are you. And for you to write such a strong preference you might develop a little humility too.
Why even bother gees
This! Sigh.
Simplistic and somewhat dangerous advice due to that.
PEOPLE!! It’s a common courtesy to remove your sunglasses when speaking to someone!! (Just sayin’!) It’s respectful that you want people to be able to see your eyes AND you want to see theirs!
I’ll think of listening once he removes his sunglasses-then I’ll think of subscribing if I like the content. Thanks.
ok boomer