Like there are many things that you do in life without u even knowing that they exist like me small talking by asking people about their hobbies whenever I meet someone (after greeting them) Keep the good work up
Small talk is probably my biggest weakness in conversation. Everything I think to ask about on the spot seems absurd to ask about in my mind, so I just sit quietly.
Ask it anyway. If they for some reason think it’s weird, you can explain your thought process on how you got there, and ask if they can relate to anything in that whole thought chain, or ask them something about themselves. If they still think you’re weird, probably just move on to another person until you find your tribe. I’m still new to this but maybe that helps 👍🏻
As much as I am terrible at it, I do recognize the importance of small talk. It’s communication 101, and you will struggle to enter any significant conversation if you fail to first establish a contact with fellow human beings.
Communication 101? As if someone prescribed it to be the case? Not true, you can skip small talk (unless thats really all the other person is capable of doing) by pointing out something insightful about the other person you notice or by revealing something vulnerable about yourself (without overdoing it unless using humor).
I can appreciate small talk with strangers or acquaintances, but when you're talking with someone you already know and the small talk goes on and on, it's frustrating to me, cus I looove deeper conversations.
It’s wild, but I’ve had a lot of luck saying straight up, “do you kind if I bring up a personal issue?” Then I go into something I’m concerned about. I say it’s wild because it didn’t occur to me to talk about the direction of a conversation while talking until recently.
@@j._ yeah, that's a good tip. My mom hates deep conversations, and I used to talk to her about deep stuff, but half the time she would just let me talk and she didn't even listen.
As a introvert (or ambivert maybe) person i often hesitate while communicating. Its not that i dont have anything to say, but my mind keeps telling me to shutup. Lost many golden opportunities due to this. Still struggling to overcome. These videos gives a big hope that one day i will also be a good communicator.
Been there, you care too much about what people think of you and that is what is stopping u. Solution: stop caring what strangers think of you. How do you do that? 1st off you learn that you are not meant to be liked by everyone, otherwise you mold yourself to the people you are with instead of being authentic and there is nothing more 🤮 than someone who is spineless, who is a pushover and who doesn't have a voice, who only seeks to be liked. Just be you and learn to externalize your authentic self. There is only freedom in being yourself, right now u are shackled by fear and idealization.
I started to appreciate small talk recently, because a guy I’d never met tried to come up to me and start talking about really specific subjects that I had no clue about. It just hit me during that fairly awkward exchange, “Oh- this is why small talk exists”.
I really love the questions and the high-low-buffalo suggestions. Uuuugh, I hate small talk only because most people always ask qualifying questions like... "what do you do for a job?", "are you married or do you have kids". These are all questions that lame people ask to judge if you are worthy of their time or not.
I used to hate the idea of small talk. But that had been until I realised the main thing about it, mentioned in the video: it's a warm-up. And warm-ups are absolutely essential for pretty much any activity humans do. Exercise or physical work? You warm up and stretch. A new project? You start with brainstorming ideas, taking an overview of what should be done, etc. Playing musical instruments? You do slow strokes, or strumming and such. Sex? Talking and / or petting until everyone involved is "really feeling it" are highly recommended. Leisurely meals (which are, arguably, the best meals) involve tasting things unhurriedly, having appetisers and drinks. And even if everything stops at the warm-up, like a short conversation with a stranger at the bus stop, it is far more satisfying than deep topics smashed into you right away.
I really, really like this philosophy, thank you! You just made me really interested in wanting to learn the art of small talk, and made me really appreciate small talk.
When I say I don't like "small talk" I mean the kinda awkward chat where nobody actually wants to have the conversation, most likely because one or more has somewhere else to be and is only starting the ocnversation because they feel like they have to.
I feel like, in theory, I would love small talk. I would love to slowly get to know people. Ease into it. Use topics that we both feel comfortable with. In practice, it just rarely works that way. I actually find a lot of usual small talk topics intrusive, I feel really stressed on if I am allowed to take time to think or have to answer fast, it's not comfortable at all, I struggle to figure out relevant information about the other person.
As an introverted, boring person with no hobbies and not much to say throughout my life so far, I do understand the benefits of being able to small talk and all. Those “ways” to do it can surely work for some people but respectfully, let me tell you why they don’t work for me and why I hate such questions and hence small talk. 1. "What Netflix shows are you watching?" I personally do not watch movies and shows. I used to watch anime casually but I didn’t find much worth discussing (unless you are watching it with someone at the same time) and it’s been 3 years since I last watched an anime. You can name any movie/ show/ anime title and I won’t know what your talking about but people do it anyway and say “you should watch this show xxx it’s really good" and I’ll be like ok and never watch it. Or people will go: 2. "Oh what do you do on your free time then?" Nothing. No I’m not even joking just to end the conversation quicker. I literally have no hobbies. I just browse social media then get off unsatisfied in my free time, or just find random food at home to chew on, or start googling random things like “jointer” and “suadero”. "Get a hobby” Yeah I wish to find something I enjoy doing that I can do all the time and discuss it with people too. But I know what is not for me (reading - not interested in fiction and stuff and I suck at reading, sports - most require more than 1 friend from friendless me and those that can be done alone need special equipments or venues that I just don’t have, art or instruments - having no patience makes me not good at them and hate them) after trying them over these years and I know I won’t find joy forcing myself to do them. “What did you do yesterday then?” Woke up, went to school, went back home to do homework, had dinner, more homework, sleep. Ask me the same question the next day or 10 days later it’ll be the same answer. "Oh are you having fun this weekend then?/ What will you be doing this weekend?” No, nothing. At the very least I enjoy not having to do anything but people won’t understand. 3. what buffalo Unless you are an extrovert with all extroverts in a room, do it. That’s just straight too random. Here’s my answer: I had an egg for breakfast this morning. “you had what for breakfast?” “An egg” “oh an egg… ok” "yeah” Everything else is pretty much not well but particularly with school I’m just stressed even though it barely started. "Oh why so stressed?” Workload and expectations. "What classes are you taking?”Then it either goes “oh I’ve never taken that what do you learn” “I don’t even know it barely started (and if I know I won’t be stressed)”, or “oh I took that before you can ask me for help if you need help“ “oh ok thanks (while I know I’m very unlikely to ask them for help knowing I have to go through this small talk hell again with them cuz these conversations gets more awkward the more times you have it with the same person)” What is interesting about me? I don’t even know… you tell me. I have a brother but that’s not interesting. I have no pets, no hidden talent. I don’t enjoy sharing embarrassing stories because I can’t even make myself laugh with those. I’ve never broken my limbs or had near death experiences or won the lottery or had worth mentioning awards or committed crime or served the army or recovered from any life threatening diseases. 4. just find something to talk about It’s hard when I just don’t wanna know about people. A comment said such small talk can be easier with new people but hard when you are with people you already know but not close with, and yes I completely agree. Not like it’s easy enough for me to small talk with new people, it’s just I know I’ll never be able to do that natural enough with people I already know. Yeah I’m just a natural conversation end-er. I’m just a boring person - but don’t worry about me I don’t bore myself out even though you think I would, I actually find joy in life like getting to have noodles for dinner a statistically random night (no I don’t consider myself a noodle-lover so I have nothing to share about that). I can observe and understand the benefits of having the ability to small talk since you’ll be more likable and make friends and life will get easier, but I just lack the ability to do so. Had an average bad day and hence this rant. Thanks for reading.
Same about the in-eventful life part. Maybe I have been so “uptight”, I don’t have many stories to tell, sometimes question myself, why are they mutually exclusive
I'm an introvert. I hate networking, cocktail parties, and large rooms of people I don't know. It's all about strategy. So I prepare. One non- political news story, a funny story that has recently happened and a couple funny stories about my dog's antics. This are my warm ups.That will get me through an evening no problem.
I used to be very bad at small talk. Now i am getting better, not saying im good. What i do is i always try to come up with something before i meet a certain person, something related to events that day or week, in a playful manner. I try to avoid the usual ones like weather or traffic.
As a neurodivergent person, small talk is really difficult for me because the way small talk seems to work for other people just seems incompatible with the way I communicate. I don't generally use the language that is used in small talk to understand my life, and I often do things differently than other people, so I am given these questions and have... nothing to say. Because it often doesn't make sense to me, the way I understand things. It just kinda doesn't compute. I'm not very good at processing small talk in some way, especially fast, and I just can't really make sense of what to say with no context. I also find a lot of things that is usually considered small talk rather private for me, just because I do things so differently. So someone might ask a question about my life and the only way I could answer that would be in a way that would probably shock the person and make them dig into stuff I didn't want to talk about. I also really struggle to lead the conversations in small talk to give me any relevant information about the person, or to lead to anything I find interesting. In theory, I would like small talk to get to know someone. I, too, want to get to know someone slowly. It just often doesn't exactly work well for me, because I wouldn't know how to answer small talk questions without 4 paragraphs of context about my life, and oversharing.
If small talk seems like something that would be of overall benefit, then perhaps take control over what you're aiming at, and try to aim at something that isn't shocking/seen as a disorder to others. Try something more conventional. The aim isn't to be conventional, but to develop something approximately a common ground that you both can return to if the small talk develop too deeply into more esoteric thinking. If it goes too deep, then you can return to what the weather is like or whatever else you can tolerate. You could also work on integrating whatever is shocking with your persona, i.e. your shadow. Develop it into your public mask. This isn't easy, but it can turn your biggest weakness into a major inner strength or drive. Sometimes you see public figures, that also have a weird quirk. They've basically integrated whatever is terrible into who they are in public. It become a feature. It's something like that.
@@willek1335 Well, the thing is... I just am autistic and ADHD, I can't just put that aside, and my difference in emotional processing, sensory processing, information processing and language processing ends up influencing every aspect of my life. I also happen to be non-binary trans. People just don't expect my existence. A lot of the time, the things that I know would be conventionally said are just not true for me, and lying to someone also doesn't exactly build actual common ground. I'm trying to learn to communicate in a way where I normalize my existence and talk about myself with confidence like others do, but it can get hard when people talking to me in small talk constantly show loads and loads of assumptions that are not true for me.
Yes, thanks for saying this. Speaking as a level 1 autistic female, this expectation for adept small or big talk is hell. In our society, women are expected--even pressured and socialised--to be good at this and to do way more social labour than men, no matter what their neurotype, and it's so unfair and unrealistic. What stops me in my tracks during conversation more often than not is not only the sheer effort and confusion of interpreting cues, but also past trauma of every time I've fucked up and have paid the social consequences. One tip that I've found helps a bit is only asking questions that start with "How" (rather than "what/who/why" etc.) because it's softer and less intimidating or confrontational for others. Also, asking questions spaced out between neutral prompting filler phrases and remarks, such as, "hmm", "interesting", "oh, word?", and so on. Even when remembering to deploy these handy smoothing techniques, though, I still often stumble in face-to-face social situations.
@@toni2309 That's a fair point, and I don't see why you should put yourself aside either. Take this example. Lend me your ear. The other day I listened to a psychology podcast with one of the most interesting podcast guests I've ever heard from. It was a professor, who happened to be autistic, and she explained how someone with autism see the world differently than others. It clicked for me. She was so smart, influential in her work, jet also not shy about her autism and that way of being. She didn't give one iota of care, and instead embraced it. The way she spoke and the things she had to tell was as if she was a weary traveller and had return from a long journey with a treasure, not of gold, but of wisdom. In practical terms, she had studied things intensely, and was able to solve so many real life problems in this world and was recognized for it. For example, she fixed how big fast food chains no longer abuse cattle. She happened to be autistic, and she's really inspiring, precisely because she see the world differently. I think something like that is what you're aiming at? Let's take a step back. Physically stand up and do it now. Notice how you showed vulnerability now, like the guy in the video said, by being honest about something you struggle with. I was able to go off into something I'm super passionate about, based on what you said. Perhaps. Consider the possibility, that you're really good at small talk, without realizing it? :D Some of my best friends happen to be austistic, adhd, ptsd, trans, the whole package. It may need some refinement, but none of negatively matters in and of it self. All these things are rather small superpowers that allow them to see the world from a interesting perspective. You have a potential, or a place in this world that no one else can fill.
@@willek1335 This was about Temple Grandin, wasn't it? I'm certainly no Temple Grandin. I just wish I would spend more time in small talk talking about how I like the sound of rain, crackling fire and ocean waves, how I like hugs, long walks and ASMR, how I enjoy playing around with gender associations creatively, about the last obsession I have or what audiobook I was last listening to, and less time trying to explain that I have no job, why I can't "just do" some things, and how I have a different gender than whatever you read me as. With what you gave me, that would actually be possible. Because from what I know, Temple Grandin used her knowledge on how deep pressure can be calming. And I actually have one of those weighted blankets, and it is absolutely amazing. (I've read your invitation. I'm still thinking/processing.)
I really enjoy Vinh, but truthfully “big talk” has been the secret to many of my social successes. Starting off with big questions differentiates you from the crowd. You don’t have to ask “what is the meaning of life,” but for example, I went to an independent donut shop and asked the owner why he chose donuts. Suddenly he was revealing his back story and telling me his life, and it opened the gates for more big talk discussion. Not the tactic for EVERY person or scenario, but it’s pretty consistent. If you show genuine internet, you skip the BS and might get them to take their walls down way earlier than normal.
I always hated small talk and the first time that I actively tried to engage in small talk, it was right after my son was born. The man I was talking to asked me about my son and his birth. Well, what do you say to a man about such things when you don't know them? I said, "Everything was great. You know, ten fingers and ten toes." He looked like I kicked him in the gut. He then said, "I guess you didn't know. My son was born without a hand." I hate small talk.
For me, im good at speaking genuine with someone 1 on 1. Its just in my nature to speak genuinely. I cant do that in a group so i dont bother to contribute cos usually the topic is pointless to me. And that's fine. Do things that fit your personality and be confident about it. You cant be on everyones wavelength, just got to find someone else that is on yours.
This is more like medium talk lol small talk to me has always been the "hey, how you doing" or "nice weather we're having" that most people brush off xD What you said actually would lead somewhere beyond awkward silence in 30 seconds 😹
When I think of small talk, I think of questions like "hi, how are you doing today?". I dont know how to answer this question. Are they expecting an honest answer? Are they expecting me to give them a detailed story about my day? Are they asking a question about my emotional state regarding the past events of the day so far? Most of the time, people are just expecting a simple quick answer, so I just say "good" only for it to be followed by silence. I then releasize that I was suppose to ask them how their day is going. Then I realize how incredibly tedious this conversation is, and wonder why anyone would want to start a conversation like this. I would love it if someone started a conversation with "what netflix shows are you watching?" or "I read an article the other day about the meaning of life in which the author argued....what do you think of that?" but 99% of the time thats not how small talk starts.
I used the FORD acronym to start any conversation: Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams (this one obviously not in the early stages of the relationship)
I don't do small talk. Anyone who has tried it with me, strangers or acquaintances, find out that I completely ignore people who does it. If something does not benefit me, I don't do it. I don't even engage in conversations unless I am getting something useful out of it. "What's in it for me"?, is what I ask before I go out of my way to do or say anything.
As an introvert, I would decide the topics to talk about with a girl on my way back from school to home. It's easy to talk to boys but difficult with girls 😅 and I don't want an awkward silence
Hi. I just want to say I've been watching you since you had like 50K followers and your content is amazing. Take care and know that you are changing lives, big and small. From? Malaysia 🎉
I hate small talk. I’m good at it but I feel so drained afterwards. I feel like I’m masking my true feelings. What do you like to do in your free time? Nosy bastard! Who told that you could talk to me? Go get some business and mind it! Maybe I’m just becoming more misanthropic as I get older. I don’t actually need anyone for anything and I don’t need friends. When people try to make conversation with me other than to communicate essential information, I find it extremely annoying. The more people talk to me the more hostile I get because I’m not interested.
I always hate small talks cause I think it would just lead to nowhere and a waste of time. But now when you put it that way, indeed it do have a purpose. Guess I should learn how to make small talk now.
I'm going to try this high low buffalo game and use what are you watching on Netflix these days. My version of small talk is usually talking about something I know they are interested in. I let them ramble on about what they like to give me enough time to actually transition into talking about what I care about. It usually works
I always ask that question " what do you do in your free time" and I swear I have to find somebody who answers me something. So many people answer "nothing" wtf! I have to dig and dig to get one " yeah sometimes I run." OK! People are boring and live the same boring life. I have many little hobbies and when I talk about them people don't care and don't try to talk more about it.
My only issue is when you're decent enough at small talk, but the other person doesn't have much to say. "What you been up to lately?" "Nothing much, just working." "What do you do in your free time?" "Hang out with my friends, watch netflix..." "What do you and your friends usually do?" "Oh, we just hang out and talk." After the third probe without any real engagement, I'm pretty much done talking to the person.
If you keep on asking the same old, boring questions, you're gonna get boring answers. Most people live an ordinary lifestyle. They work, then go home, turn on the TV, shower, eat, and sleep. Sum people hang out after work or do their thing on Friday and Saturday nights, usually nothing extraordinary. I hate when people ask "what's going on?" Or they ask "so you been doing?" What I really wanna say is "what's suppose to be going on?" Everyday it's the same routine. Work, hang out for a few hours then go home. This is part of the reason why introverts hate small talk. The problem with small talk is, it tends to stay small. You never really get to know the deeper things about each other. "How was your weekend? "What plans do you have for the weekend?" These are questions that usually amount to nothing. Nothing but dead air. Why keep asking the same tired question every Monday morning and Friday afternoon. You're gonna keep on getting the same played out and ran through answers. Break the ice with a interesting question. Ask people who did they vote for. Ask them where they stand on race relations, do they believe in religion, do they believe in karma, do they meditate, do they prefer socialism or capitalism. What's foods do they like. What are sum of their favorite movies. What things are they passionate about. Ask them how they feel about Biden asking Congress for 24 billion dollars to send to Ukraine. Ask them how they feel about Trump constantly getting indicted. Ask them do they believe in aliens and life on other planets. Skip the small and not going anywhere talk. This is how you get a introvert to open up. But that's only if you really are interested in getting to know that person. If not, just leave it alone. A simple "hello" or "good morning" is sufficient.
@@Embauss Not necessarily. When you move pass the small talk phase and then develop a close relationship with a co worker and you feel like you trust each other, you might end up talking to each other about anything at the job. If it's just you and that co worker together on the elevator, waiting for the elevator, in the kitchen, walking down the hall, by the copy machine, in the lobby, walking in or the out the building together. You gotta be discreet with it. Everybody in the office doesn't have to know what you've been talking about. Get off the small talk and move on to a deeper, more intellectual conversation. If you don't wanna talk about race, there are plenty of other topics.
I’m not gonna ask a random guy at work in the elevator if he’s watching any shows on Netflix or what he does in his free time. I’d rather die in awkward silence
Thing is that most people talk ONLY small talk & "catching-up" talk but nothing meaningful. Even when getting to free time topic - that's all they do watch tv show or nothing productive/ creative/ educational/ inspirational.
I feel people over simplify small talk, at the same time overthink small talk. It’s this weird duality that scars people. I f ind just being my weird goofy self is enough for me. Just be you, as you can’t be anyone else and pretending to something you’re not will be easily found out.
I don't agree this is the best course a lot of the time. With some people, small talk will only promote even smaller and mundane talk depending on how shallow (or nonexistent) that persons interests may be. I instead mention something insightful I notice about the person or reveal something vulnerable about myself. Instantly gaining a meaningful conversation.
I always feel like I am quite good at communicating with new people. I never know why, I just thought that it because my family was moving alot😊 when I was a child that's make me used to adapting with new people. This video just make me realize I do high low buffalo like almost everytime I meet new people. That's might be explained how I do well communicating with new people.
Small talk is fun with friends and people I respect, but my inclination changes if they're not past a certain threshold. I have this internal distinction between friends I would have those honest/heart-to-heart conversations with, and friends I wouldn't have those intimate conversations, and for that latter group, it's difficult for me to involve myself in small talk and I'm afraid it makes me boring in a group setting. Though small talk is a good way to make other people feel comfortable, I can't help but think that it feels cheap. Although the content of small talk may not be very meaningful, I recognize the huge value it possesses in social interactions. I wish I could put my personal feelings aside about people and still participate more to be more likeable or less boring - and contribute.
Anybody else genuinely not interested in about anybody else's life? Never understood why random people seem to want to know vital information about each other. Find it very odd and almost intrusive.
I dont mind small talk with people i like and find interesting. But many many people are fkn boring and talking with them feels like playing minesweepers. Trying not to say the wrong thing...or trying not to say too much...or simply feeling like it isnt important.
What is they don't watch the same shows? Or have the same hobbies? I find myself just listening to them, making it a one-sided conversation. Like yeah, I could ask questions about their experiences, but it would still be one-sided.
*tries to small talk* me: so, what do you do in free time? the person: nothing just sleep my brain: ugh why the flip does everyone say the same answer 😭😭😭
Man, idk about this. Somehow I always end up only having big talk. People trust me. I need small talk skills. And it’s completely separate to big talk.
yeah talking is no problem but the problem is I never find any interest in anyone im speaking to, I just cannot care about others and I have no clue why. I hate that I can't
"What do you do with your time?" Half the women I talk to: "Ah, nothing really." I'm legit starting to wonder if women just don't enjoy talking about hobbies.
If gamers wanted to socialise they would log off and go out. Most hardcore gamers are hardcore gamers because they don't want to socialise or be around people.
I can see the high low buffalo game in a fixed group setting (like team building or when starting of a group Projekt), but it seems a bit constructed for a casual setting. How would you initiate it without it being stiff an awkward?
I was working in this new firm and was trying to build relationship with small talks.this guy completely ignored me when I was trying to have small talk with him.and he won't speak back or reply in one world... He either shy or he reallly hates mw😢
As soon as you said "Hey what is the meaning of life".... That is me. Thank you for this video Vinh. Interesting small talk is testing the waters, to see who you're talking to.
Access my FREE 3 part series on communication skills: gifts.vinhgiang.com/youtube
I wish you'd make some videos on Interview preparation.
Like there are many things that you do in life without u even knowing that they exist like me small talking by asking people about their hobbies whenever I meet someone (after greeting them)
Keep the good work up
Small talk is probably my biggest weakness in conversation. Everything I think to ask about on the spot seems absurd to ask about in my mind, so I just sit quietly.
Ask it anyway. If they for some reason think it’s weird, you can explain your thought process on how you got there, and ask if they can relate to anything in that whole thought chain, or ask them something about themselves.
If they still think you’re weird, probably just move on to another person until you find your tribe.
I’m still new to this but maybe that helps 👍🏻
Just ask people about music TV movies video games
I was at a party once, nobody was talking and I just innocently asked is anyone playing fantasy football in the room erupted for hours
And what are you good at?
Jordan Peterson pointed it out too, if there’s no mutual responses, there’s no point sending back signals again right?
As much as I am terrible at it, I do recognize the importance of small talk.
It’s communication 101, and you will struggle to enter any significant conversation if you fail to first establish a contact with fellow human beings.
Communication 101? As if someone prescribed it to be the case? Not true, you can skip small talk (unless thats really all the other person is capable of doing) by pointing out something insightful about the other person you notice or by revealing something vulnerable about yourself (without overdoing it unless using humor).
I can appreciate small talk with strangers or acquaintances, but when you're talking with someone you already know and the small talk goes on and on, it's frustrating to me, cus I looove deeper conversations.
Exactly
It’s wild, but I’ve had a lot of luck saying straight up, “do you kind if I bring up a personal issue?” Then I go into something I’m concerned about. I say it’s wild because it didn’t occur to me to talk about the direction of a conversation while talking until recently.
@@j._ yeah, that's a good tip. My mom hates deep conversations, and I used to talk to her about deep stuff, but half the time she would just let me talk and she didn't even listen.
They're probably not your people to have deeper conversations with.
Yess, it's like some people get stuck on the surface level. Scared to open up or something
As a introvert (or ambivert maybe) person i often hesitate while communicating. Its not that i dont have anything to say, but my mind keeps telling me to shutup. Lost many golden opportunities due to this. Still struggling to overcome. These videos gives a big hope that one day i will also be a good communicator.
I feel your pain
You're not the only one
I am like that too
Been there, you care too much about what people think of you and that is what is stopping u. Solution: stop caring what strangers think of you. How do you do that? 1st off you learn that you are not meant to be liked by everyone, otherwise you mold yourself to the people you are with instead of being authentic and there is nothing more 🤮 than someone who is spineless, who is a pushover and who doesn't have a voice, who only seeks to be liked. Just be you and learn to externalize your authentic self. There is only freedom in being yourself, right now u are shackled by fear and idealization.
Me too bro
true@@Paula-fd6lj
As an introvert, the main issue I have with small talk is that I just don't want to talk to you. At all. Please take a hint and go away.
Exactly!
Except for in the long run it’s extremely detrimental. Without links and communication, we will inherently be at a disadvantage.
What if u like that introverted guy and wants to ask him out.
I started to appreciate small talk recently, because a guy I’d never met tried to come up to me and start talking about really specific subjects that I had no clue about. It just hit me during that fairly awkward exchange, “Oh- this is why small talk exists”.
Lol
I really love the questions and the high-low-buffalo suggestions. Uuuugh, I hate small talk only because most people always ask qualifying questions like... "what do you do for a job?", "are you married or do you have kids". These are all questions that lame people ask to judge if you are worthy of their time or not.
I used to hate the idea of small talk. But that had been until I realised the main thing about it, mentioned in the video: it's a warm-up. And warm-ups are absolutely essential for pretty much any activity humans do. Exercise or physical work? You warm up and stretch. A new project? You start with brainstorming ideas, taking an overview of what should be done, etc. Playing musical instruments? You do slow strokes, or strumming and such. Sex? Talking and / or petting until everyone involved is "really feeling it" are highly recommended. Leisurely meals (which are, arguably, the best meals) involve tasting things unhurriedly, having appetisers and drinks.
And even if everything stops at the warm-up, like a short conversation with a stranger at the bus stop, it is far more satisfying than deep topics smashed into you right away.
I really, really like this philosophy, thank you! You just made me really interested in wanting to learn the art of small talk, and made me really appreciate small talk.
When I say I don't like "small talk" I mean the kinda awkward chat where nobody actually wants to have the conversation, most likely because one or more has somewhere else to be and is only starting the ocnversation because they feel like they have to.
I feel like, in theory, I would love small talk. I would love to slowly get to know people. Ease into it. Use topics that we both feel comfortable with. In practice, it just rarely works that way. I actually find a lot of usual small talk topics intrusive, I feel really stressed on if I am allowed to take time to think or have to answer fast, it's not comfortable at all, I struggle to figure out relevant information about the other person.
As an INTP, if someone asked the meaning of life first question, I’d faint from overwhelming happiness
*Pulls out the Myth of Sisyphus*
I actually LOVE the person that starts with “Hey. What is the meaning of life?” And I have no idea why
As an introverted, boring person with no hobbies and not much to say throughout my life so far, I do understand the benefits of being able to small talk and all. Those “ways” to do it can surely work for some people but respectfully, let me tell you why they don’t work for me and why I hate such questions and hence small talk.
1. "What Netflix shows are you watching?"
I personally do not watch movies and shows.
I used to watch anime casually but I didn’t find much worth discussing (unless you are watching it with someone at the same time) and it’s been 3 years since I last watched an anime. You can name any movie/ show/ anime title and I won’t know what your talking about but people do it anyway and say “you should watch this show xxx it’s really good" and I’ll be like ok and never watch it. Or people will go:
2. "Oh what do you do on your free time then?"
Nothing.
No I’m not even joking just to end the conversation quicker. I literally have no hobbies. I just browse social media then get off unsatisfied in my free time, or just find random food at home to chew on, or start googling random things like “jointer” and “suadero”. "Get a hobby” Yeah I wish to find something I enjoy doing that I can do all the time and discuss it with people too. But I know what is not for me (reading - not interested in fiction and stuff and I suck at reading, sports - most require more than 1 friend from friendless me and those that can be done alone need special equipments or venues that I just don’t have, art or instruments - having no patience makes me not good at them and hate them) after trying them over these years and I know I won’t find joy forcing myself to do them.
“What did you do yesterday then?” Woke up, went to school, went back home to do homework, had dinner, more homework, sleep. Ask me the same question the next day or 10 days later it’ll be the same answer.
"Oh are you having fun this weekend then?/ What will you be doing this weekend?” No, nothing. At the very least I enjoy not having to do anything but people won’t understand.
3. what buffalo
Unless you are an extrovert with all extroverts in a room, do it. That’s just straight too random. Here’s my answer: I had an egg for breakfast this morning. “you had what for breakfast?” “An egg” “oh an egg… ok” "yeah”
Everything else is pretty much not well but particularly with school I’m just stressed even though it barely started. "Oh why so stressed?” Workload and expectations. "What classes are you taking?”Then it either goes “oh I’ve never taken that what do you learn” “I don’t even know it barely started (and if I know I won’t be stressed)”, or “oh I took that before you can ask me for help if you need help“ “oh ok thanks (while I know I’m very unlikely to ask them for help knowing I have to go through this small talk hell again with them cuz these conversations gets more awkward the more times you have it with the same person)”
What is interesting about me? I don’t even know… you tell me. I have a brother but that’s not interesting. I have no pets, no hidden talent. I don’t enjoy sharing embarrassing stories because I can’t even make myself laugh with those. I’ve never broken my limbs or had near death experiences or won the lottery or had worth mentioning awards or committed crime or served the army or recovered from any life threatening diseases.
4. just find something to talk about
It’s hard when I just don’t wanna know about people. A comment said such small talk can be easier with new people but hard when you are with people you already know but not close with, and yes I completely agree. Not like it’s easy enough for me to small talk with new people, it’s just I know I’ll never be able to do that natural enough with people I already know.
Yeah I’m just a natural conversation end-er. I’m just a boring person - but don’t worry about me I don’t bore myself out even though you think I would, I actually find joy in life like getting to have noodles for dinner a statistically random night (no I don’t consider myself a noodle-lover so I have nothing to share about that). I can observe and understand the benefits of having the ability to small talk since you’ll be more likable and make friends and life will get easier, but I just lack the ability to do so.
Had an average bad day and hence this rant. Thanks for reading.
High five man😢
Why is this so accurate sometimes
Well I do hope for more GOOD and LUCKY eventful life come to me soon. I pray for it.
i feel the same way a lot of the time tbh. especially with the "something interesting about yourself" part. Yeah, I can't think of anything either lol
Same about the in-eventful life part. Maybe I have been so “uptight”, I don’t have many stories to tell, sometimes question myself, why are they mutually exclusive
I'm an introvert. I hate networking, cocktail parties, and large rooms of people I don't know. It's all about strategy. So I prepare. One non- political news story, a funny story that has recently happened and a couple funny stories about my dog's antics. This are my warm ups.That will get me through an evening no problem.
how do you prepare. elaborate pls
@@kishorekumar624 RE read my post.
How I start small talk:
“You ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plaguesis the Wise?”
Everyone is so bored from small talk the minute you try to do it they are bummed and not interested in you
I guess it’s about respecting boundaries and figuring out about who you wanna have deeper conversation with
I used to be very bad at small talk. Now i am getting better, not saying im good. What i do is i always try to come up with something before i meet a certain person, something related to events that day or week, in a playful manner. I try to avoid the usual ones like weather or traffic.
Love that!
As a neurodivergent person, small talk is really difficult for me because the way small talk seems to work for other people just seems incompatible with the way I communicate.
I don't generally use the language that is used in small talk to understand my life, and I often do things differently than other people, so I am given these questions and have... nothing to say. Because it often doesn't make sense to me, the way I understand things. It just kinda doesn't compute. I'm not very good at processing small talk in some way, especially fast, and I just can't really make sense of what to say with no context.
I also find a lot of things that is usually considered small talk rather private for me, just because I do things so differently. So someone might ask a question about my life and the only way I could answer that would be in a way that would probably shock the person and make them dig into stuff I didn't want to talk about.
I also really struggle to lead the conversations in small talk to give me any relevant information about the person, or to lead to anything I find interesting.
In theory, I would like small talk to get to know someone. I, too, want to get to know someone slowly. It just often doesn't exactly work well for me, because I wouldn't know how to answer small talk questions without 4 paragraphs of context about my life, and oversharing.
If small talk seems like something that would be of overall benefit, then perhaps take control over what you're aiming at, and try to aim at something that isn't shocking/seen as a disorder to others. Try something more conventional. The aim isn't to be conventional, but to develop something approximately a common ground that you both can return to if the small talk develop too deeply into more esoteric thinking. If it goes too deep, then you can return to what the weather is like or whatever else you can tolerate.
You could also work on integrating whatever is shocking with your persona, i.e. your shadow. Develop it into your public mask. This isn't easy, but it can turn your biggest weakness into a major inner strength or drive. Sometimes you see public figures, that also have a weird quirk. They've basically integrated whatever is terrible into who they are in public. It become a feature. It's something like that.
@@willek1335 Well, the thing is... I just am autistic and ADHD, I can't just put that aside, and my difference in emotional processing, sensory processing, information processing and language processing ends up influencing every aspect of my life. I also happen to be non-binary trans. People just don't expect my existence. A lot of the time, the things that I know would be conventionally said are just not true for me, and lying to someone also doesn't exactly build actual common ground.
I'm trying to learn to communicate in a way where I normalize my existence and talk about myself with confidence like others do, but it can get hard when people talking to me in small talk constantly show loads and loads of assumptions that are not true for me.
Yes, thanks for saying this. Speaking as a level 1 autistic female, this expectation for adept small or big talk is hell. In our society, women are expected--even pressured and socialised--to be good at this and to do way more social labour than men, no matter what their neurotype, and it's so unfair and unrealistic.
What stops me in my tracks during conversation more often than not is not only the sheer effort and confusion of interpreting cues, but also past trauma of every time I've fucked up and have paid the social consequences. One tip that I've found helps a bit is only asking questions that start with "How" (rather than "what/who/why" etc.) because it's softer and less intimidating or confrontational for others. Also, asking questions spaced out between neutral prompting filler phrases and remarks, such as, "hmm", "interesting", "oh, word?", and so on. Even when remembering to deploy these handy smoothing techniques, though, I still often stumble in face-to-face social situations.
@@toni2309 That's a fair point, and I don't see why you should put yourself aside either.
Take this example. Lend me your ear. The other day I listened to a psychology podcast with one of the most interesting podcast guests I've ever heard from. It was a professor, who happened to be autistic, and she explained how someone with autism see the world differently than others. It clicked for me. She was so smart, influential in her work, jet also not shy about her autism and that way of being. She didn't give one iota of care, and instead embraced it. The way she spoke and the things she had to tell was as if she was a weary traveller and had return from a long journey with a treasure, not of gold, but of wisdom. In practical terms, she had studied things intensely, and was able to solve so many real life problems in this world and was recognized for it. For example, she fixed how big fast food chains no longer abuse cattle. She happened to be autistic, and she's really inspiring, precisely because she see the world differently. I think something like that is what you're aiming at?
Let's take a step back. Physically stand up and do it now. Notice how you showed vulnerability now, like the guy in the video said, by being honest about something you struggle with. I was able to go off into something I'm super passionate about, based on what you said. Perhaps. Consider the possibility, that you're really good at small talk, without realizing it? :D
Some of my best friends happen to be austistic, adhd, ptsd, trans, the whole package. It may need some refinement, but none of negatively matters in and of it self. All these things are rather small superpowers that allow them to see the world from a interesting perspective. You have a potential, or a place in this world that no one else can fill.
@@willek1335 This was about Temple Grandin, wasn't it?
I'm certainly no Temple Grandin. I just wish I would spend more time in small talk talking about how I like the sound of rain, crackling fire and ocean waves, how I like hugs, long walks and ASMR, how I enjoy playing around with gender associations creatively, about the last obsession I have or what audiobook I was last listening to, and less time trying to explain that I have no job, why I can't "just do" some things, and how I have a different gender than whatever you read me as.
With what you gave me, that would actually be possible. Because from what I know, Temple Grandin used her knowledge on how deep pressure can be calming. And I actually have one of those weighted blankets, and it is absolutely amazing.
(I've read your invitation. I'm still thinking/processing.)
I really enjoy Vinh, but truthfully “big talk” has been the secret to many of my social successes. Starting off with big questions differentiates you from the crowd. You don’t have to ask “what is the meaning of life,” but for example, I went to an independent donut shop and asked the owner why he chose donuts. Suddenly he was revealing his back story and telling me his life, and it opened the gates for more big talk discussion. Not the tactic for EVERY person or scenario, but it’s pretty consistent. If you show genuine internet, you skip the BS and might get them to take their walls down way earlier than normal.
its because you are interested in small talks or conversations in general. I somehow just feel like talking to people is a waste of time😫
I always hated small talk and the first time that I actively tried to engage in small talk, it was right after my son was born. The man I was talking to asked me about my son and his birth. Well, what do you say to a man about such things when you don't know them? I said, "Everything was great. You know, ten fingers and ten toes." He looked like I kicked him in the gut. He then said, "I guess you didn't know. My son was born without a hand."
I hate small talk.
Well, I guess at least you have a story to tell.
HOLY SHIT
Vinh would say "That was your opportunity to embrace vulnerability and create a connection."
@@drstewart the guy and I did have a few heart-to-heart discussions after that. Was pretty awkward for a while there.
WHATEFUCK DID I READ?
This video is informative but doesn't make me hate small talk any less.
For me, im good at speaking genuine with someone 1 on 1. Its just in my nature to speak genuinely. I cant do that in a group so i dont bother to contribute cos usually the topic is pointless to me. And that's fine. Do things that fit your personality and be confident about it. You cant be on everyones wavelength, just got to find someone else that is on yours.
I just realized that I kinda already do all that, and now I feel good about myself
This is more like medium talk lol
small talk to me has always been the "hey, how you doing" or "nice weather we're having" that most people brush off xD
What you said actually would lead somewhere beyond awkward silence in 30 seconds 😹
When I think of small talk, I think of questions like "hi, how are you doing today?". I dont know how to answer this question. Are they expecting an honest answer? Are they expecting me to give them a detailed story about my day? Are they asking a question about my emotional state regarding the past events of the day so far? Most of the time, people are just expecting a simple quick answer, so I just say "good" only for it to be followed by silence.
I then releasize that I was suppose to ask them how their day is going. Then I realize how incredibly tedious this conversation is, and wonder why anyone would want to start a conversation like this. I would love it if someone started a conversation with "what netflix shows are you watching?" or "I read an article the other day about the meaning of life in which the author argued....what do you think of that?" but 99% of the time thats not how small talk starts.
I used the FORD acronym to start any conversation: Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams (this one obviously not in the early stages of the relationship)
I don't do small talk. Anyone who has tried it with me, strangers or acquaintances, find out that I completely ignore people who does it. If something does not benefit me, I don't do it. I don't even engage in conversations unless I am getting something useful out of it. "What's in it for me"?, is what I ask before I go out of my way to do or say anything.
This makes so much sense, completely changed how I perceive small talk, thanks for the great content!
You're so welcome Andrew!
As an introvert, I would decide the topics to talk about with a girl on my way back from school to home.
It's easy to talk to boys but difficult with girls 😅 and I don't want an awkward silence
I like that high low buffalo tip, would be great to have an example of how that would be used
Totally vibing this guys energy ⚡ thanks
I can do small talk, but can't wait to get to the big stuff! Good tips here.
Hi.
I just want to say I've been watching you since you had like 50K followers and your content is amazing.
Take care and know that you are changing lives, big and small.
From? Malaysia 🎉
Small talk is for bored people/narcissists who hate silence and love the sound of their own voice. Leave me alone.
I hate small talk. I’m good at it but I feel so drained afterwards. I feel like I’m masking my true feelings. What do you like to do in your free time? Nosy bastard! Who told that you could talk to me? Go get some business and mind it! Maybe I’m just becoming more misanthropic as I get older. I don’t actually need anyone for anything and I don’t need friends. When people try to make conversation with me other than to communicate essential information, I find it extremely annoying. The more people talk to me the more hostile I get because I’m not interested.
I always hate small talks cause I think it would just lead to nowhere and a waste of time. But now when you put it that way, indeed it do have a purpose. Guess I should learn how to make small talk now.
Thank you! The examples helped to understand it much better
I'm going to try this high low buffalo game and use what are you watching on Netflix these days.
My version of small talk is usually talking about something I know they are interested in. I let them ramble on about what they like to give me enough time to actually transition into talking about what I care about. It usually works
That's interesting because i thought of small talks as a total waist of time but it actually make sense as a warm up
Small talk at work has led me to get a sexual harassment accusation!
I always ask that question " what do you do in your free time" and I swear I have to find somebody who answers me something. So many people answer "nothing" wtf! I have to dig and dig to get one " yeah sometimes I run." OK! People are boring and live the same boring life. I have many little hobbies and when I talk about them people don't care and don't try to talk more about it.
Vinh - You're a very cool dude with such valuable knowledge and advice, thankyou for your videos 🙏
My only issue is when you're decent enough at small talk, but the other person doesn't have much to say.
"What you been up to lately?" "Nothing much, just working." "What do you do in your free time?" "Hang out with my friends, watch netflix..." "What do you and your friends usually do?" "Oh, we just hang out and talk."
After the third probe without any real engagement, I'm pretty much done talking to the person.
If you keep on asking the same old, boring questions, you're gonna get boring answers. Most people live an ordinary lifestyle. They work, then go home, turn on the TV, shower, eat, and sleep. Sum people hang out after work or do their thing on Friday and Saturday nights, usually nothing extraordinary. I hate when people ask "what's going on?" Or they ask "so you been doing?" What I really wanna say is "what's suppose to be going on?" Everyday it's the same routine. Work, hang out for a few hours then go home. This is part of the reason why introverts hate small talk. The problem with small talk is, it tends to stay small. You never really get to know the deeper things about each other. "How was your weekend? "What plans do you have for the weekend?" These are questions that usually amount to nothing. Nothing but dead air. Why keep asking the same tired question every Monday morning and Friday afternoon. You're gonna keep on getting the same played out and ran through answers. Break the ice with a interesting question. Ask people who did they vote for. Ask them where they stand on race relations, do they believe in religion, do they believe in karma, do they meditate, do they prefer socialism or capitalism. What's foods do they like. What are sum of their favorite movies. What things are they passionate about. Ask them how they feel about Biden asking Congress for 24 billion dollars to send to Ukraine. Ask them how they feel about Trump constantly getting indicted. Ask them do they believe in aliens and life on other planets. Skip the small and not going anywhere talk. This is how you get a introvert to open up.
But that's only if you really are interested in getting to know that person. If not, just leave it alone. A simple "hello" or "good morning" is sufficient.
@@nyc4life448 Pls do not discuss race relations at work if you want to remain employed lmfao
@@Embauss Not necessarily. When you move pass the small talk phase and then develop a close relationship with a co worker and you feel like you trust each other, you might end up talking to each other about anything at the job. If it's just you and that co worker together on the elevator, waiting for the elevator, in the kitchen, walking down the hall, by the copy machine, in the lobby, walking in or the out the building together. You gotta be discreet with it. Everybody in the office doesn't have to know what you've been talking about. Get off the small talk and move on to a deeper, more intellectual conversation. If you don't wanna talk about race, there are plenty of other topics.
wow!!! adds a lot to Negotiation Mastery, different topics
You are Awesome. I love you man! Cheers!
What happens if you dont care to talk?
How did you get to be such a freakin legend!! Love your work brother, I watch tonnes of your clips👊
I’m not gonna ask a random guy at work in the elevator if he’s watching any shows on Netflix or what he does in his free time. I’d rather die in awkward silence
Thanks that makes sense I'll practice
Thing is that most people talk ONLY small talk & "catching-up" talk but nothing meaningful. Even when getting to free time topic - that's all they do watch tv show or nothing productive/ creative/ educational/ inspirational.
I feel people over simplify small talk, at the same time overthink small talk. It’s this weird duality that scars people. I f ind just being my weird goofy self is enough for me. Just be you, as you can’t be anyone else and pretending to something you’re not will be easily found out.
I don't agree this is the best course a lot of the time. With some people, small talk will only promote even smaller and mundane talk depending on how shallow (or nonexistent) that persons interests may be. I instead mention something insightful I notice about the person or reveal something vulnerable about myself. Instantly gaining a meaningful conversation.
i needed this thx vhin
im 1000% extroverted but I'm TERRIBLE at starting conversations lol
Is it weird that at the moment i just don’t really care for small talk
High-low-buffalo! I'm going to keep that one in my toolbox ❤
I always feel like I am quite good at communicating with new people. I never know why, I just thought that it because my family was moving alot😊 when I was a child that's make me used to adapting with new people. This video just make me realize I do high low buffalo like almost everytime I meet new people. That's might be explained how I do well communicating with new people.
Vinh you always say ask what they do in their free time but they always respond with "Nothing"
Small talk is fun with friends and people I respect, but my inclination changes if they're not past a certain threshold.
I have this internal distinction between friends I would have those honest/heart-to-heart conversations with, and friends I wouldn't have those intimate conversations, and for that latter group, it's difficult for me to involve myself in small talk and I'm afraid it makes me boring in a group setting.
Though small talk is a good way to make other people feel comfortable, I can't help but think that it feels cheap. Although the content of small talk may not be very meaningful, I recognize the huge value it possesses in social interactions.
I wish I could put my personal feelings aside about people and still participate more to be more likeable or less boring - and contribute.
I can't play High Low Buffalo. But I can play Low Low Chicken.
The other person also has to be a good listener and not to judge you, interrupt you and listen to key points...if they don't then I'll stop talking .
We play high low buffalo at bed time with our daughter. Then we start discussing the meaning of life with our 4 year old immediately after.
As someone with aspergers there is nothing I hate more than this.
I will always avoid it.
Small talks are waste of time and sanity
Amazing!! Thank you!
Imma try this in a video game!
1. nope, nothing to watch at the moment
2. i usually sleep
those were great questions honestly. how tf am i just now hearing them at 30?
I refuse.
thank you
Anybody else genuinely not interested in about anybody else's life? Never understood why random people seem to want to know vital information about each other. Find it very odd and almost intrusive.
I dont mind small talk with people i like and find interesting. But many many people are fkn boring and talking with them feels like playing minesweepers. Trying not to say the wrong thing...or trying not to say too much...or simply feeling like it isnt important.
I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
Thank you vinh❤
My guy this shit is golden
I can do small talk in person but texting and calling I dislike
how to come over naturally instead of asking questions as if it's an interview?
Thankyou 🙏
I’m so happy my success isn’t directly contingent of clients, a job or kissing some managers ass.
What is they don't watch the same shows? Or have the same hobbies? I find myself just listening to them, making it a one-sided conversation. Like yeah, I could ask questions about their experiences, but it would still be one-sided.
Sending this to my German friends😂
Bro… it never goes any further than small talk…
Today, I realized that I'm that person whose urge is to immediately ponder the meaning of life with people.
*tries to small talk*
me: so, what do you do in free time?
the person: nothing just sleep
my brain: ugh why the flip does everyone say the same answer 😭😭😭
Man, idk about this. Somehow I always end up only having big talk. People trust me. I need small talk skills. And it’s completely separate to big talk.
It’s an ice breaker
I could do small talk but the problem for me is when and how to transition in a deeper convo
please elaborate in this topic. Vinh bro u're soo gd at it i envy u 😜 .
yeah talking is no problem but the problem is I never find any interest in anyone im speaking to, I just cannot care about others and I have no clue why. I hate that I can't
"What do you do with your time?"
Half the women I talk to: "Ah, nothing really."
I'm legit starting to wonder if women just don't enjoy talking about hobbies.
Someone should make this small talk ideas into a game mechanic to teach gamers how to socialize
If gamers wanted to socialise they would log off and go out. Most hardcore gamers are hardcore gamers because they don't want to socialise or be around people.
I got good at small talk…..still hate it..XD
I can see the high low buffalo game in a fixed group setting (like team building or when starting of a group Projekt), but it seems a bit constructed for a casual setting. How would you initiate it without it being stiff an awkward?
I was working in this new firm and was trying to build relationship with small talks.this guy completely ignored me when I was trying to have small talk with him.and he won't speak back or reply in one world... He either shy or he reallly hates mw😢
I guess I associate small talk with telling my business esp if the person starts asking personal questions .. it’s cringe for me 😩
As soon as you said "Hey what is the meaning of life".... That is me. Thank you for this video Vinh.
Interesting small talk is testing the waters, to see who you're talking to.
this is difficult, i dont watch any shows, and no hobbies 😅
The title says “hate” and the advice is about “being bad at”.
I’m good at it, I just hate it. Any advice for that? Lol