I've lived as a man & a woman -- here's what I learned | Paula Stone Williams | TEDxMileHigh
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
- If you’re a man, at one point or another you’ve probably thought to yourself, “I will never understand women!” And if you’re a woman, “what's wrong with men?!” But your gender is all you've ever known, so how could you understand? As a transgender woman, Paula Stone Williams has lived on both sides, “and the differences are massive!” In this funny and insightful talk, Paula shares her wisdom for all. Reverend Dr. Paula Stone Williams is the president of RLT Pathways, Inc., a non-profit providing counseling and coaching services. She works with the Center for Progressive Renewal, serves on the board of the Gay Christian Network, and is an active member at Highlands Church in Denver. She has been featured in the New York Times, The Denver Post, and Colorado Public Radio, and is a blogger for The Huffington Post. She is an avid runner and mountain biker with three children and five granddaughters. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
9:48 "The more you're treated as if you don't know what you're talking about, the more you begin to question whether or not you do, in fact, know what you're talking about."
THIS. So much of this. We're discussing Imposter Syndrome at work and people treating you like this really feeds into it.
I work at a power plant, maybe 20 women in all (not the office women) of operations and maintenance 250 men... I experience this everyday. I can determine what problem we are having and a possible solution then they wait for the guy on the next shift to come in, tell them the same thing- while he tells them how great he is and then it's settled- I know nothing and he flies in with his cape! Very difficult to over come that mentality. But I get up everyday and do it all again- that's what we do.
ZiranaCain Gaslighting.
If somebody doesn't take you seriously, ok fine. RETURN THE FAVOUR. Remember them individually and don't take them seriously when they talk. Purposely ask someone else's opinion in front of them right after they give you theirs.
Push away these people and don't get too close to them while at the same time pull in people who do value your input and surround yourself with them.
Women do this to me,
Youngest son, raised by all women, father was always working.
Funny the cycle never stops. Narcissistic traits are learned not horned.
"He called me Paula"...brought tears to my eyes.
He was willing to try to understand as he is in his 90s, has really learned about life + possibility realized whats really important. So glad he did, many don't ever.
@@lee02jepson ...exactly :-)
What got me was the last part, about her dad wanting to try.
i cried too...
same here ✨❣️✨
“The more you’re treated as if you don’t know what you’re talking about, the more you begin in fact to question if you know what you’re talking about” I struggle with this a lot being a young engineer, I know my coworkers don’t mean to but wow it really holds me back from having the confidence I need to be successful
I feel you. I personally am giving up the STEM field because of that, too not only but it's a factor. I don't want to work in an environment where I constantly have to prove myself. Where people constantly check what I've done because it couldn't possibly be right.
My ex boyfriend used to constantly put me down over little things to the point I was never quite sure about sharing ideas with him or anyone else
My current boyfriend does a bit too but I'm not sure he knows he's doing it 😅😂
Good luck in your career. I hope you find a team without too many boneheads on it.
Gaslighting
@@lottiecharman6946
I'd get rid of that boyfriend & find a man who values you properly. Always better being single then in a bad relationship!
I’m female an immigrant myself from Japan with an accent. I’m here for 20y+ I’m a mother and business woman now. I’ve learned how difficult being a woman here too since I left Japan because I wanted to get away from it. One thing to add what it makes me sad about it is some of women don’t treat other women the same as men. They prefer men do well than other women hustling and getting there. It seems like nature but so sad. And I want to support all women more by knowing it.
I completely agree. A long time ago women used to lift each other up. Now I just see them tearing each other apart. This MUST STOP!! Good luck on your journey, and keep your head high. ♥️♥️♥️
Because women are famously treated so well in Japan
@@larapalma3744 ….Read “I left Japan because I wanted to get away from it”.
@@karolmarcellin6236 Japanese society imposes huge expectations that is why. It is not because she is a female living in Japan. Average work hours in Japan is more than 40 hours per week.
right ??? I mean that was one ridiculous comment lol @@larapalma3744
"He is 93 and he's willing to try, what more could you ask?"
Trying is step 1 but the second step is to fully appreciate and understand.
Karen Carney why can’t he have a different opinion though? Like he can love his kid, but also want his son that he raised back.
He called her Paula!!!
Stefania Smanio (
@@IWantToMature85 Because her existence as a trans woman isn't an opinion? This is her, this is how she lives. If he wants to claim her as his child, then he absolutely needs to accept that.
Every time Paula says something
Women: clapping enthusiastically
Men: awkwardly look around before beginning to clap
That’s happen because men’s knows as we women know that we also have a lot of privileges .We women’s don’t have the same hard sentences for the same crime that man. We almost always keep the children’s on divorce and money from our ex husband that we never have to work too. We generally don’t work as hard and as many hours but expected to be pay the same. And do the most dangerous jobs.I remember not long time ago man have to go to the military ( obligation by law in my country) but I never have to. I can give sooooo many examples ... We even live longer. We women’s used our privilege all the time. I love men’s and I love being a woman . It is been a privilege
@@livingthedream8539 Exactly, women have also lot of privileges. They just always complain how they have it hard. I think there was a woman who did a transition to a man (and back) and was shocked how hard is it to be a man (there is a book about it).
Livingthedreem 80
That’s a good point. I wasn’t denying the fact that women have privileges too, but since the video was based on male privilege and how being a woman can be hard obviously the women will relate more. Toxic masculinity *is* still really dangerous though and it does need to be addressed . Also I know you were saying that women have it easier, but a lot of women want to work longer or harder but are denied that because men are favoured to be hired for jobs like that. So I guess the issue here is not to figure out who has what privileges but just to work hard until everyone has the same ones 😊
@@livingthedream8539 Bro stop saying "we" you're a man...
@@redteeth4890 No offense but what evidence do you have of that?
"Do whatever it takes to honor the journey of another" is truly profound. Thank you for your wisdom.
Nope. Won't do that.
@@relaxingsounds1386 Spoken like the true narrow minded misogynist male that you are.
If by profound you mean literally meaningless
@@Jonabob87 it’s called getting to know another person and respecting them, their unique challenges, and what they have done to address them.
@@relaxingsounds1386 why?
love you Paula! you're known, noticed and loved
"You don't have to apologize for being right" that hit really hard.
I apologize for everything
You used to get killed for being right in earlier times. Still you have to apologize.
I see that a lot in the work place.
Women are taught to apologize before correcting a man to diffuse the impact that the man feels is a "blow to his ego" at being corrected by a woman. Women are taught kindness is more important that just pointing out his error. So we apologize....A LOT!
@@user-jy3zl2vp4b sorry, but I have to disagree with that statement, good courtesy and humility is shown by apologising and is some thing many people of all kinds are taught.
I will share a funny story: Im a girl who do car mechanic (D.E.P. graduated). One day I saw two men with their car break down on the side of the road, and they seem to search what's the problem. To be nice, I stopped and offered to help them. They look at each other with a little smile, and answer me "you think you can help us?". But the tone of voice clearly means "be realist, you cannot do nothing to help us". (I know this tone of voice very well, Im used to. Like if I am a 5 years old child. But its weird, I NEVER heard a man talk like this to an other man.)
Just after that, to show me that they control the situation, one of the guy crawl under the car near the gas tank saying "we are ok, I just need to repair the gas pump, its nothing". So... I've made a beautiful smile, wish them a good evening, and leave... knowing that the acces to his gas pump is IN the car under the backseat, and not under the car. Hahahahahahah!!!! Seriously! Its ridiculous! And I have so much story like this, I could write a book if I wanted to!
-->ps: excuse for my bad english
That's hilarious! If you stopped for me, I'd let you explain to me what's wrong since you obviously know! These guys were fricking jerks!
haha that is ridiculous, but maybe if you stoped and showed them to not judge you so soon, they would treat other woman with greater respect. I know its not your job but you could still give it a try.
@@fabianaparedes124 Oh thats what I do most of the time :)
Lol
I had a flat tire one night. I was asking guys to change the tire and I'd pay them. 4 or 5 guys ignored me. A girl offered to do it I said sure. Than a man came up to do it for free
I was about to bypass this talk because to be honest, I am still in that traditional space of the definition of the sexes. I was led to pause and listen. I am so glad I did. I now believe that if we view everyone as HUMAN before everything else, living in our world will become so much better. The words sound so corny to my own ears but it is the truth. I felt the humanity in Paula and I forgot everything else.
I wish everyone could learn to accept, and be open to, others.
Yeah, I get it. I’m just glad she specified the advantage that privileged white guys have. With that; I hope we can focus on and encourage underprivileged young people of all races. That seems less divisive than current policies. I’m happy that we are trying to understand. I hope I will some day. I need more exposure. There will be rich and poor transitions people. I’m sure the poorer people will still have a harder time.
@@HeronCoyote1234g
Goob@@lesleyt8984
great job thinking critically
One of the best Tedx I've listened to...Thank you for helping me UNDERSTAND!
I'm female with a guy's first name. It's amazing the treatment that I get online when people think I'm a guy, compared to in person. I know exactly what she's talking about. I see the difference every day.
yeppers
@Hugh Jaynuz LMAO
Honestly there are many Areas Where Women get treated better than Men.
.
Life is more depressing for men compared to women, There is a reason why Men are 80% suicide victims compared to women.
@@mikebanning1773 it's not about better or worse. She in this video is especially talking about not being taken seriously or being talked down to. Of course the masculine stereotype also comes with struggles, which is called toxic masculinity: telling boys they always have to be strong, not show emotions, be the leader and so on. All this pressure is one of the reasons why male suicide rates are that high. Good thing tho is that it's not a comparison or competition to whose life is more depressing. You can understand and care about the struggles that gender stereotypes put on all genders simultaneously.
I know my dad named me Sue
The part about being treated like you dont know what you're talking about and not being able to get a straight answer out of men hit me HARD
Admittedly, I have spent many years of MY life quite isolated. It has been difficult for me to really 'SEE' what so many others apparently have seen (witnessed with their own eyes) for decades now. This video really has me thinking about things I haven't ever truly/fully recognized regarding my life as a female. Thank you.
My husband and I are middle eastern and my husband actively puts me forward and gives me space to allow to speak and voice my opinion especially when it is my area of expertise and when someone tries to demean him or interrupt me, he just smiles and tell them to stop feeling so threatened and listen or he simply turns to me and asks me even though he knows what I would say or he could simply answer as he has also his own opinions. It takes a lot of confidence to be an actively supportive man, especially in a culture where women mainly smile and work
simple. he's not muslim
@@user-ej3iw8lw3w what is a Muslim ?
@@AzabArch 🤪
"stop feeling so threatened" - says it all. It's the one and only "reason" for gender inequality - dress it up in religious or pseudo-science how you like, insecure people have to push others down so that they can stand above them and feel "superior"
@@user-ej3iw8lw3w - misogyny isn't the sole preserve of Islam. Take a look ac Christianity sometime.
Ugh. The part about not being taken seriously hits home really hard.
When a woman no matter the subject knows what she is talking about men will respond in kind. We all have encountered a couple of A holes in our lives but the majority will explain or converse with a woman if she knows what she is talking about.
He's a dude and everyone talking to him knows that he is a dude, no one thinks he's a woman. You can't relate to him.
I'm a woman and I have never had this problem. People always assume I am a professor or doctor or lawyer, even when I am only wearing a T-shirt and shorts and flip flops. I'm not sure why. I have a very deep, masculine voice and masculine features though, so maybe that's why.
Everyone struggles and fights to be taken seriously. Not all men have power. In fact, very few do.
@Juliana Silva hahaha women can't relate to men and men can't relate to women. That's like when a women says "she's having a girls night out" men seem to think she is going out on town and having fun but she's actually trying to cheat. Men just bluntly ask for a side chick. You'll generally know where you stand with a man but not a woman. Also everyone dealing with this guy knows he's a guy so his whole talk is redundant.
I always come back to this whenever I'm feeling out of place. Thank you Paula.
Me too!
Is this to confirm your delusions, no one needed to tell me I was a male, biology and science dictated that
Paula is a man.
@@themeangene my guy stop getting so upset I see you under every comment. Get a hobby and an education
@@lucius8111then who are you following a doctrine that's not based on science but from delusions of men?
I didn’t know I needed to hear that talk. It’s very inspiring, and oddly comforting. We’re not imagining this or overreacting and a lot of the men who do it don’t think they’re doing it. It’s time we start making everyone more conscious of their unknown bias, maybe things can start changing and our daughters can live better lives.
As long as you're able to listen, introspect and change when your own female bias is exposed to you, it's a two way course.
Our daughters, no every woman, mothers and sisters
11:32 when Paula said: "You are far more capable than you realize," the overwhelming feeling of empowerment, relief and thankfulness overcame me and all I could think was: "Thank you God for this wonderful human being and her story and I wish more people felt that way about themselves."
There are other people who try to empower other people only not exclusivly about women but they talk to every gender
But i get you and wish you well
lol
And when she said “the call toward authenticity is sacred, is holy, it’s for the greater good” I really felt that too. People who feel miserable about their lives usually want to make other people miserable too, and because of that, if more people accepted their call to authenticity I’m sure that this world we live in would be a better place. Knowing yourself and having the courage to openly BE yourself is an extremely brave thing to do.
Dániel Faller So? Just because she focused her speech on empowering women, doesn’t mean her speech is less valid than more general ones. It’s not a competition. Also, the impact of the words of empowerment that come from someone that has been through the same as you is greater. Trying to empower every single human being on the planet when you haven’t even educated yourself on their struggles feels dishonest - we can all feel empathy for each other’s struggles, and accept that sometimes certain struggles of certain groups of people are going to be addressed uniquely, but that doesn’t mean other struggles aren’t relevant or that nobody cares about them, and suggesting so is a consequence of a very simple minded perspective.
@@danielfaller5617
I don't understand how you think she was only speaking to empower women? Can you not see what she said empowers all people? The more knowledge you have of your environment and the individuals who exist within it, the more agency you have. This gives you the ability to make better choices for yourself and everyone around you. That's empowerment!
@@silverco2560really well said ❤️🤝🌈
"You don't have to apologize for being right." YES - THIS.
You needed someone to tell you that?
Men do it too and men that think they're women do it too. Humans apologize for no reason all the time. Amazing.
I also do that, and I'm a guy :/
Best sentence.
IF and WHEN you’re right. If not, then don’t say anything. Lol
Paula seems like the sweetest lady you have ever met!!! I just want to hug her. I am so happy that I listened to this- I get treated like a dummy at work because of my sweet, ladylike demeanor, never cause any drama attitude- I am SICK OF SWALLOWING
him*
@@themeangene bahaha yes
Maybe your a dummy if your swallowing
Maybe try pretending your a man?
She is a phenomenal speaker. I was captivated. Absolutely loved this talk.
She has such a unique perspective, "I didn't know what I didn't know" is a really good point. As she said, as a man, you always consider yourself one of the good guys. I do, too. Her talk makes me wonder if that is true. I probably do some stereotypical stuff aswell, not because I want to, but subconsciously because it has been engrained into my upbringing and our culture. I'm gonna try to be more mindful in the future. Really glad I clicked on this. More people should see it.
thegreentaxi Yes! It’s so nice to see this
you sound like a great human being, I'm glad you exist
Thank you for making the world a little better 🌸
That's amazing! I'm sure that with that mentality you'll have no issue!
❤
"Love is honouring the journey of another". I'm speechless.
@L It's because it's the view of one individuals experience, which supports the meta narrative influencing mainstream society today which suggests that women have life much harder, which trivializes men's ordeals.
Allow me to suggest that it's possible the reason this speaker struggled with becoming a woman is because they spent their entire life up to that point being a man. Try taking a professional wrestler and shoving them into professional ballet dancing, two very difficult careers that require completely opposite skill sets to flourish. Where before bullish strength was required, now it's a hindrance and lithe grace is the leading trait.
If you do a thing for 30-40 years, then try something else, that something else will seem a lot harder than the previous thing.
This is just one possible plausible argument completely overlooked in the current narrative.
@@pieskmista The condescension and not being taken seriously is real, though there are some other things where women have it better.
@@Evija3000 Yeah I'm very aware that some men do this. But In the majority of cases where it does occur it is much more likely that the woman is expressing lack of confidence through both body language and voice. Some occur because of assumptions based on the stereotypical woman not liking or being aware of something they are talking about, which ends if and when the subject displays confident knowledge in the subject in most cases, when it doesn't the leading factor is because the person they are talking to doesn't actually know the answer and is floundering to not lose face, as is very likely the case in the bike situation in this video.
There's a myriad of other reasons that such an interaction may occur that having nothing to do with gender, and this fact is not just overlooked in modern days but burnt at the stake.
The VAST majority of human communication completely ignores the words you are saying, the way you say them is much more important. Body language is the biggest factor, followed by tones and other effects, while there are studies that suggest less than 10% of the impact of how we communicate is in the words themselves.
What I'm saying is, take any woman that is suffering from this problem, and have them take lessons in confident/assertive communication and I guarantee their life changes. It's only in very rare cases that the reason a man treats a woman differently from a man is because she is a woman.
@OzarkoBlam Oh, that is SO well said, it deserves ALL the likes. Since it can't garner all of them, I here submit mine.
So beautiful really..this is true courage staying true to yourself no matter what others whant you to be!
Women have been experiencing this for so long that it almost feels normal/expected now. Fortunately, the awareness is on the rise, women are proving every second that they CAN do the job and there are good men out there genuinely supporting. You are amazing Paula, keep talking ... keep inspiring!
What is a woman?
the call to authenticity is sacred and holy - that floored me❤❤❤
This is a man
@@themeangene do you really have nothing better to do with your life than to reply to multiple comments saying the same thing? please, get a hobby, a job, anything and do something more productive with your free time
@@themeangene Austin Powers...🤣
@@alliekhani7873 do you have nothing better to do than complain about facts
“You don’t have to apologize for being right.” Words to live by.
When we live in a world where wrong became right, not sure if there is a right and wrong anymore.
Unless you're British... then you apologize for being right
@@DanielOrtiz-dl8eo Canadian also. I found it more strange to think that American men DON'T apologize for correcting people than that women do.
@@johnkidby7948 what??
No but a person doesn't have to be right in smartass or demeaning way. Arguments can start because the way a person talks.
"You dont have to apologize for being right !" AMEN
Always tiptoeing around the male's ego.
So why apologize, no one told you you have to? You ever think about that?
No one told us we have to, but just asserting the truth like a normal human being is seen as us "being hostile" or a "know it all" and they get very defensive and often double down or make a joke at our expense. We learn how to gracefully let a man down easy when he's wrong. I think that a woman pointing out something incorrect is deeply humiliating to a certain kind of man and they can fight back aggressively. "I'm just trying to say, I think we might actually be going north on the highway, but I could be wrong, what do you think?"
"We're going the wrong way, we need to turn around" can get all kinds of pushback and hurt feelings. Sad but true in some cases, so we learn to soften our language.
@@tres32100 dafuq
In this context, an "apology" is nothing of the sort, but rather an introductory phrase which indicates a feigned openness to discussion.
Alternatively, you could always say "Or alternatively...", "" to the same effect.
The bottom line is, it's your goddamn choice to be polite. Nobody should expect any more or less from you.
Wow. Absolutely amazing. Thank you Paula.
OMG I laughed and cried at the same time. Paula you’re a wonderful person!
Thank you for sharing your story with us!
Who else cried when she said,
"He called me Paula."
So beautiful, this video is a wonderful expression of understanding and everyone should be able to watch it.
Wailed like a baby.
I started crying even before then.
@@CandaceLeAnne yess dear
@Yanagami Art, her emotion was so deep just a few seconds bevor that....that was the moment, I started to cry. What a beautiful Ted!
Kelly Marie
Technically, it is. Your brain is shaped like a different gender from your body. Your brain is the engine behind your body, and it can physically hurt you to stay and/or present yourself as the gender your body is. Hope this helps.
And yes, we shouldn’t celebrate mental illnesses, but the people, need support and love.
I’m not sure if you would say that same sort of things to someone with autism.
I never thought hearing about a stranger being called by their name would make me so happy.
He has a pretty interesting story
@@MrWesford *she
Thank you, Paula, for sharing! I appreciate you bringing these things to light. We need to talk more about these differences for positive change to happen
This happens with me all the time when I'm questioned what I'm talking about ...i literally start thinking whether or not i really know what I'm talking about...n its happening since childhood so..its like I've somewhere accepted somethings...but you...you're awesome MISS PAULA...REALLY LOVED LISTENING TO U
She has a humorous way to tell a sad story, to look at the harsh reality and forgive. That's pure wisdom.
'He'
@@relaxingsounds1386 why are you people still breath the same air as she does. dont try to start a fight bro, you aint getting one.
@@namelesspeach5231 He/She is correct...
He. This is a man in a dress.
@@namelesspeach5231 lol!! cope.
When this person's 93 year old father reached out to his child...tears..
@@davidyatesmckay Because it's human nature to be set in yours ways by the time you reach that age. It's pretty special when someone in their 90s is able to be open minded like that
Absolutely wonderful TED talk -- thank you Paula for sharing a bit of your story and experiences with us all. For the TEDx folk, I'd love to see more talks from Paula - she has so much wit and wisdom to share.
It's never too late to change your thinking. Amen her 93 year old father chose to call her Paula!
Nah Paul is still a man.
At no point did she claim to know what it is like to be a cis woman. She gave examples of how life has changed for her and revelations she has had. That's neither offensive nor demeaning.
It is the context and word use that makes it so.
She can't really tell that because she is not a cisgender woman.
Her story being in essence that "life is harder for women" and "male privilege is everywhere"... deeply profound and highly original stuff! lol
You call him a She..................
Chameleonred5
Could your argument be a little more VAGUE??? Obviously you don't have a good argument to offer.
I too had a preconceived notion (not good) about this, but watched it anyway. Paula, very, very well done. You have changed my mind 180 degrees. Thank you.
Thank YOU for being brave enough to open your mind to the unknown, You can be proud.
Everyone needs to accept everyone else
It's not hard, just remember the definition of Freedom lol
Men often do have preconceived notions. It's a shame.
Paula tells it as it is. I too am a transwoman and she expresses the differences that we all learn about when we transition. She's exactly right
"I don't understand this ... but I'm willing to try." - Wiser words have never been spoken. If only more people in the world would open their minds and hearts like this.
Maybe he should open his mind to the fact he's a man
I was willing to try meth when I was 17. Now I have a deviated septum. Not even once
@@noxaurum1 nobody asked
Paula, I truly admire you for the courage, humor and respect in your speech. You are amazing!!!!
THE POCKETS ON WOMEN’S JEANS ARE LITERALLY THE SMALLEST OF STUFF
😂
Witty irony, I like it
@@annabatcheler1905 if you bought them for the pockets how did you not notice they were fake lol
But how good are skirts and dresses with pockets?!?! 🙌🙌😁
Yet they cost 10 times more. Great point!
yeah cause women's jeans are usually tight, which makes it difficult to add pockets to them.
Wow! She made so many important points without even sounding preachy.. and incorporating humour so beautifully!
One of my favourite TED talks in a long time.
Really well done, everything so on point and well thought out
@@ruthiemay4799 Give it a rest already. We are all fully aware of what her biology dictates. This was never a question that needed an answer.
we must of been watching difrent videos
@@ruthiemay4799 Can you just chill a little? If it doesnt hurt anyone and that person is happy. How does it matter seriously? Its still debatable if the transitions are a good longterm solution or just consulting a psychologist until the problem is solved. I don't see what you think is the problem.
Gave me goosebumps when she talked about her brown skinned daughter and daughter-in-law and not knowing what they know.
He called me Paula. Maybe just a few tears for me on that one. Being you is your superpower.
I am crying so much right now. Finally someone understands and able to articulate the difference in experiences between a man and woman. As woman of color , I just want people to understand that I experience even less of "equity".
everyone has issues, income, health kids etc.; don't make yours their unwanted show; live your own life
smblaze 92 I saw your comment and I feel badly. As a society, I think we have come a long way in terms of equality...but our journey to equity is really only beginning. We have much to do...
just start demanding more affirmative action and positive discrimination
smblaze 92 society sucks
Spawny Chancer, another and perhaps more functional idea: People of good will and a sense of humanity can start demanding more equity and fairness in all their spheres--home, school, work, play. The US's biggest affirmative action programs have been for white men; they weren't called "affirmative action" because the creators of those programs had a mission of normalizing inequality and hierarchies with white-skinned men propped up on top. You don't name programs if you want them to be accepted as divine right and normality. The 1944 GI Bill is a good example of affirmative action for white men: the government-backed mortgages, tuition payments, business start-up loans and jobs commensurate with WWII training went disproportionately, and in some states solely, to white men. Add to that roughly 322 years of laws written [by guess who] to not only thwart but criminalize progress of American Indians, Africans, Chinese, and white women. IF you've got the nerve, you can read all about it in the well researched book by a judge--A. L. Higginbotham's "In the Matter of Color: Race and the American Legal Process." Or just read the GI Bill, then imagine that those in charge of implementation were--guess who.
I don't know if it only happens in my country but anytime my boyfriend is with me and I approach a man to ask an address, a bus stop etc. they always answer to and look at my boyfriend instead of me. I am the one who is asking the question but they refuse to see me. The funny thing is my boyfriend doesn't even speak my native language so he looks at them in wonder as he has no clue about what's going on.
Oh wow. I hope you have sometimes taken the opportunity to just stare at them and wait for them to acknowledge their mistake. A little embarrassment might help to get them thinking.
i've heard that it's only in western countries. muslim and african countries are more tolerant
@Ayşe Ece Ayhan No suprise there. If I can tell that you are with your boyfriend, i would look at him instead of you. Looking at you can cause discomfort since your boyfriend will notice. He can then persume i have interest in you and all sorts of things. Ive been in this situation many times. Its not that im doing it cause i dont like you or think you are not intelligent enough to understand me, its about avoiding conflict and respect.
Penguin My boyfriend says the same thing but you are missing something. You are missing the woman who looked at you and asked you a question. It’s okay to look at both of them but just looking at the man just because he is a man is problematic. She is the one who asked you a question and not the man.
Next time, go stand before your boyfriend, look the guy angry in the eyes and ask him: Are you trying to flirt with my boyfriend?
Paula, you are such an inspiring person. I cried. Thank you for sharing your journey
this was so beautiful, thank you so much for sharing ... very touching
The bike story made me feel the need to post: women know this. This is why we avoid having to ask men stuff.
You're speaking for 3-1/2 billion people right now. Sure you're up to it?
Yea..unless u dress sleazy and pretend not to know..maybe you'll be 'lucky' enough to get a Discount (note the sarcasm)
@@Aizouli She didn't ask you. That's kind of her point.
@@tracink She? didn't ask anything, she made a blanket statement where JWF pointed out the categorical part of it... Basically all women i know, don't mind asking either a man or a woman if they're in doubt about something. So her 'point' is kinda moot.
I mean... Please let's not segregate each other, it will just make things worse
Speaking in public is very hard. Especially with the constant fear that you’ll forget what you have to say, etc. Speaking with such great expressions, passion, audience interaction, etc is commendable. Great job, You rocked it Paula!
Its all training and preperation, not terribly difficult if you practise :)
He, didn't you listen? She was a preacher before her transition. That was her job!
I have had experiences where I was ignored or treated like I know nothing simply because I am female. Listening to Paula's perspective was an eye opening experience. This talk is something everyone can benefit from. Maybe it will make all of us more understanding and tolerant of each other.
yep. i'm 3 years into being a man. this... power of being listened to. I can shout others down. It feels like my word is law, and that's scary.
Honestly, I get dissapointed in myself because at times I even wish to just snap my fingers and become a man, but not because I feel that I am a man, but because I want to be *treated like one.*
Exactly the same here!
Same Daniela... Same...
Hey daniela, I do drag it's really empowering. Try it if you ever feel like it might empower you too :)
But you are not a man. You're a women there's a difference.
Trust me, you do not.
when she said "he called me paula" with that small voice i broke down in tears. that means so much, so so much. people really don't understand how such little things like just calling us by our real names can mean so much to us. thank you paula.
Because it's confirming your identity , by the one you love. I really hope that some day, in any way, we'll all be free to be who we are without any fear and judgement.
I've always considered myself a trans ally. I certainly call anyone and everyone by the names they choose. But this video, along with some other things, is why, for the first time this semester, I made a point to tell students my pronouns and invite them to tell me theirs if they so desired.
Melody Roses
She's amazing. She's been thru so much. I could feel her triumph in her small emotional voice at that exact moment.
@@klaasboukezwaan6700 what exactly were u trying to say...
Very enjoyable talk. God bless you for telling your story. Your Dad is a work in progress, as many of us are! Thank you
Wow amazing talk Paula. Thankyou so much for your incredibly raw and valuable insight. I thoroughly enjoyed this!
My son is now my daughter so this made me cry and understand her even better. We are moving forward with love. Bless you Paula! ❤
Nobody cares~~~~~If you cry!
Your son is always be a son. He will never be a woman no matter what clothes he wears or what surgery he has he will always be male. You obviously did not bring him up in the fear of the Lord and that's why you have a basket case for a son.
@@nathanhood4873 shut up
You are a great parent ❤️❤️ all the best to you and your family!
reported for child abuse
She's so witty and yet also very humble
Sealdude isn’t HE?!
@@Noah4evaa What?
@Big Smoke How do u expect to be taken seriously with that username lmao
MRN W ok boomer
Yeah she's great, I kind of want to hear more talks from her.
Ms. Williams, thank you for using humor and your personal experience to give some of us an insight to the challenges of transitioning. All too often we only hear the more strident and demanding versions, but you gave us a relatable and eye-opening view, which allows us to be more sympathetic and understanding of the issues you are overcoming. Good luck to you.
Woman ? Man ? Human !!! Thank you Paula 👏
I only have one complaint about this program....she didn't talk long enough, and I enjoyed listening to her tremendously...
Hahah same
12:41 "What do any of us really know about the shoes in which we have never walked?"
Skipp Andover yes!!
JESUS KNOWS
I can guess they are often VERY uncomfortable - that much I get :)
@@wordoflifejd I love not knowing if this is saying nobody knows or yelling out GOD KNOWS ALL. It's hilarious, without a hint of irony.
I agree, this is especially so for women who never understand guys who are forced into National Service and the army.
Having to give up many years of our lives when our female counterparts can move on without a worry in the world
so on point. So interesting to hear from someone who has lived on both sides. as a woman, i am used to this type of treatment it is just ingrained in our society that women don't even realize it most of the time. Thank you for this talk, you are awesome. and BRAVE!
Nobody sees him like a woman...so how would he know?
I like her! I like her sense of humor, her understanding of both genders, and her perception of life. I enjoyed her perception of aspects of life being sacred.
@@bojjaragadeepika7624 you sound confused too
She's indeed an inspiration all women, I listen to her speech and she made too many sense. I pray God gives you lots of beautiful days, I'm David Greg originally from Spain Granada i live in Austin Texas and you?
Omg I cried at "The more you're treated as if you don't know what you're talking about, the more you begin to question whether or not you do, in fact, know what you're talking about."
The amount of times I had to hold my ground and, yes, apologize for being right and then simply being told I was wrong because they refused to listen. Did you know if you are in a game and you do not share your gender during a raid or an online arena battlefield w/e, if you do not share your gender, your team will assume you are male and you have a chance they will listen to your calls. If they somehow figure out you're a girl? Oh goodness, either prepare to be assaulted by a horde of lap dogs hungry for female attention throwing themselves at your feet or be prepared to be completely ignored and condescendingly told: "yeah but what do you know you're a girl/ you were boosted/ e-girl/ etc."
i disagree, i had low confidence and i used to be treated like that, i could be 300% right people were still doubting about everywords i said. Now this changed cause i learned how to express myself and show confidence
@@virgileusa I'm glad you had a better experience than me and the 90 people that liked my post! It's good you gained confidence too :)
Just a side note, I'm NOT being sarcastic. This often goes wrong on the internet so just putting that out there. Sincerity all over.
@{} who tf asked
@@delivermypain I mean of course they all asume your a male, its a fact that there is more males playing videogames, like wtf do you expect, they have to guess your gender now? Also about ehat you said of you dont say your gender anymore cuz you are treated different, its also normal, its rare to see woman playing with us, so its diferent and we treat you different to have fun, you could have fun trolling them or whatever you want, dont take everything that searious men, like wtf, it would like a group of girls on a Kitchen treating different a men like he knows nothing even if he knew more than them, and its way to normal, we all have those steriotypes.
@@miguelgt2010 In what era do you live?
So on point about why women doubt. I have gone through this a lot in my life. Men questioning your intelligence.
Even at Mensa meetings, where they have to know you're intelligent. :-)
I always got that from women.
@@ems3991 yeah me too
Funny, I’m a woman and have never met a man who didn’t doubt my intelligence or capabilities and worked in a male dominated industry ....aviation!
My husband and I were building a house. When I’d ask a question, the construction men would turn and answer to my husband. When a worker did a terrible job installing asphalt, I called to complain. He told me to have my husband call him back.
I have watched this so many times and love it every time. She is amazing and makes me happy every time I watch.
She's indeed an inspiration all women, I listen to her speech and she made too many sense. I pray God gives you lots of beautiful days, I'm David Greg originally from Spain Granada i live in Austin Texas and you?
Thank you Paula for sharing your story with us all. I hope your journey gets better as a woman and as a woman, I can relate. More power to you... You Go Girl! 🚺💃👏
Paul is a man
This is one of my favourite ted talks ever
So glad to meet her here! She is wonderful!!
It's not a TED talk. It is a TEDx talk. They are different things.
As a man listening to this talk, I did not feel uncomfortable for myself, only shocked that such an arrogant attitude towards women seems to be so common.
I later also remembered how my best friend once told me how surprised many of her acquaintances are to hear that she became a scientist. To say it in her own words: "Behind those hair and boobs, I actually have a brain"
I grew up as the only man in a household with two very intelligent and successful women (my mom and sister) and learnt from a very young age to not treat people differently based on appearance or gender and respect people for who they are, and whenever I hear stories like this, I hope for my fellow human beings to learn that same lesson and eventually pass it on to their children as well. Believe me, it will improve both the world and your own lives ;)
thank u so much, I appreciate that
Eyes wide open💛
Locedamius Dont let these libtard cunts brainwash you and punish you for being a male!!!
i hope you're joking, cause i'm imagining a crazed old man typing this furiously on his computer before he goes to the gun range ;)
Locedamius I'm a welder, and one day I had someone come up to me...just to see the spectacle that is a female welder. I was tempted to put up a string of lights and a banner that said, $5 to see the female welder. My venting to my male colleagues didn't go very well either. They were all clueless how dehumanizing it was.
Paula, you're a lovely person and a kind soul. I wish you all the best in your life. Love from Italy
This was great! What a blast from the past! I haven't seen Emo Phillips' stand up in forever.
'He said, "Paula...."... He called me Paula"
That's powerful stuff right there.
yeah, Right power!!
Yessssss
Thank you for addressing the small pockets issue... It's annoying 😑
This might sound silly, but as a 52-year-old man I was kind of blown away by this. Wondering how could I have never even heard about such a common thing, and imagining how relentlessly irritating it would be to lose half of my pocket size... such a small thing in this context, but not? A brilliant, wonderfully simple example of both privilege, and 'not knowing what I don't know'.
I'm sorry but people can have slim jeans and large pants disregarding the gender 😡
Never noticed it in my 35 years as a real woman. People just like griping. You cant have big pockets on skinny jeans. There's no space. Its common sense. In lounge pants or cargo pants fpr.women they're large
@@zazabrown732 I didn't take it as a gripe as much as an observation. To me, it's more about the fact that women in our culture are commonly expected to wear a style of clothing that excludes this convenience that men take for granted. It is an illustration of arbitrary restrictions. Whether you disregard them or not is irrelevant to their existence. Also, (probably against better judgement), I own skinny jeans, and the pockets are no smaller than any other pair of jeans I own that are cut for men.
You can't have skinny jeans and big pockets. Big pockets take room and because of that the jeans aren't skinny anymore. Take baggy jeans if really you want big pockets
What a beautiful video. Thank you so much!
Exquisitely done! You are truly magnificent!
As a non-binary person, the first tima a friend called me Harley, i wanted to cry in happiness
The "he called me Paula" hit real close to home
She's great at talking, i really enjoyed this TED talk
I ended up just shortening my name, so the first time I was called "Cass" after coming out was nice, but I didn't get a sense of euphoria. When I was referred to by the correct pronouns though... bruh... I think I experienced Nirvana LOL
i had the same experience a couple days ago when my best friend said "good night cameron" for the first time! sending love to you
@harleylopez
My most favourite times are we God reminds me:
You are MINE. 💟💟💟
Everthing she said is true, and even worse.
Being a female from Saudi Arabia. I am forced to do a lot of things that disrespect myself.
I am, as a woman, will always be less than a man. I bring shame to my family. I don't get education as my brothers. My own mother hates me for trying to be independent. She tries so hard to bring me down.
basically.. living as female in SA is just another word for slavery.
Also, really i dont get why i suffer, because my genitals.
this is really messed up.
So sorry your life is like that😳 I live all the way over the other side of the world ( Caribbean) over here men take advantage of women's strength while still trying to put them down.
Women are expected to work outside the home, cook, clean, do the laundry and of course fulfill the man's s*xual needs! In short they expect the woman to take care of them fully while they do little to nothing but enjoy..being male!😡
I have refused to marry any of them and my mother understands and doesn't pressure me..I wish All women were as fortunate, I hope your future will be brighter meanwhile stay strong! 💪👍
I live in Switzerland and theoretically, men and women have the same rights. In reality, we're still miles away from real equality. But I'm not complaining, my life is pretty ok. Still I always doubt myself all the time and I'm always very surprised if a man takes me seriously because it's so rare. Well.. I'm sending you both love and strength. Respect yourself and be confident in your abilities. At least we as women should try to empower each other instead of bringing us down.
I am so sorry you're going through that, I hope you get the courage to leave that place, that's so unhealthy for your mental stability
You are not less than a man, it makes me sad to hear you are treated so! You deserve to have independence if that is what you wish , you have a gentle strength in you as all women do, my heart is with you and i hope you find peace and equality, as i hope we all do eventually. We are building a better world, i believe, though it can feel slow in progression. xxxx
I feel sorry. It is not possible still to hear things like these.
What a talented speaker...so natural and engaging. Thank you and all the best!
This TED talk is very close to my heart :) thankyou paula!
she is so brave and witty, but also has a very calming presence. thanks, Paula, for making my day with your beautiful story!
je suis mal à l'aise
@@user-ej3iw8lw3w Why's that?
{} Whatever. What’s your problem with her?
He is so brave
First thing addressed: "Pockets on women's jeans"
THIS. THIS HAS BEEN THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE SINCE TRANSITIONING.
that's why we have purses
@@maevemcgale4077 Screw purses! I hate purses about as much as I hate not having pockets.
Female clothes are Not practical at all.
That's why designers who put pockets in dresses have loyal consumers. Women's Jean's are also too tight and too short
Well, that’s the world if women for ya
Spectacular, thoughtful, informative, and honest. Going to read the comments now.
Very much needed, very brave 👏 💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝should be on every company values page!
"the call for authenticity has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm" brilliant, this woman is
Yoda?
authenticity? this man has adopted a false self, he's pretending to be a woman.
Ted Myrrh I think you mean woman. She is valid and happy.
Man*
@@josstrebe6302 woman*
"The more you're treated like you don't know what you're talking about, the more you think you don't know what you're talking about." THIS!!!
a very enlightening video thanks a lot for showing us the world from your perspective
Thank you for your wonderful talk - saying the most profound things of human life, but peppered with understanding and humour. Thank you, Paula, for your love.
He is not treated differently because he's a woman,but because he's a freak...
What a unique perspective she offered. It is said that in some African cultures the transgenders are the "Wisdom Keepers," because they have an understanding of both worlds.
Jean Rivard Bertrand exactly, we (cis people) have a lot to learn from trans people
TRANSGENDERS ARE CONFUSED ! THATS AS DEEP AS IT GOES !!
FLAT EARTH you need some serious help. They’re not confused.
@@nicolel.6316 NOT CONFUSED ?? THEY DONT KNOW IT THEY ARE A MAN OR A WOMAN !!
FLAT EARTH she’s clearly a woman...? She’s male to female.
That moment when you, as a man, realizes what you, as a human, should have realized a long time ago... Love this! Thank's Paula!
Congeats on hitting 100 liked
Vi lär oss varje dag!
You sir do not have enough likes
Yeah that's a dude, biology doesn't care about your feeling, if they dig this guys bones up a 100 years from now, they won't know what mental illnesses they had, but they will know it's the skeleton of a male.
@james trista literally. These people are insane
Absolutely brilliant.
You know well how we've been treated all of our lives. Sad but true. God bless you on your journey. Loved your great humor.
“ you know what I think about a lot , my brown skin daughter and daughter in law , what do they know that I am clueless about “ 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
What does that mean? I didnt really understand that part.
@@vasudhakota972 It means that because of their brown skin, they probably experience racism and stuff that Paula, as a white woman, won't know or understand :)
@@nopenope4502 Thanks for explaining it🙂
@@vasudhakota972 No problem :)
“The call to authenticity is sacred- it’s holy...” 👏👏👏🙏 Love these words!!!
I love that someone who actually knows, is talking about this. Thank you!!
This brought me to tears. This video should be required in every school and workplace.
Around 9:30 when she was talking about the bike shop clerk, I thought to myself, "is she sure that's because she's a woman? In my experience, bike shop/auto mechanics/repairmen/IT guys always ask all those questions even when I confidently share my assessment of the issue..." and then I realized, "Oh wait. I just said, 'in my experience,' and well... I only ever experience life as a woman"
Edit: I also think I apologize in meetings without realizing it, oh dear.
I am pretty sure she is right. I have had this experience with auto mechanics. As a young woman I took my car to a shop and said my tire kept losing air. I sat for an hour while they were supposedly checking it. They told me something bogus that didn't make any sense. The next day, I was under the car changing my oil and found a huge nail in the tire.
Guy here. Never had it happen to me. Then again, I've never seen someone do that to my wife either, who is tall and can be tough-looking and will be assertive when talking about mechanics, so that might have something to do with it: she looks the part of a tomboy. She gets a pass for being a woman whom we expect to know these things, while I get a pass in spite of being a guy who looks like a nerdy librarian who doesn't know much about these things (and is a nerdy librarian who doesn't know much about these things).
However, I do apologize for being right, at least in person (online is another story), so I don't think her assertion above holds water. Might be a confidence issue.
I would have to agree with Clara. I think that was a very simple causation. It seems that one bike clerk was way more experienced than the other.
@@theresamcgallicher
But was that sexism or just incompetence?
@@Rasputin443556
Do you apologise, or do you just say you're sorry? The two are not necessarily the same thing. If I hear someone has broken their leg while skiing I might say, "I'm sorry.", but that is just an expression of empathy. It's not my fault they broke their leg so there's no reason why I should apologise. If I am about to correct something someone has said I might also express a polite, empathetic, sorrow at having to bruise their ego by demonstrating that they are wrong - but I'm not apologising for being right.