That there's a big part of people just wanting to be right, so they impose/argue to nauseum to feel they had the last word, so there's no true back/forth just hearing themselves talk.
Julia Kristina Counselling After listening to this video several times. My takeaways are. 1. I can give the control back to the person by asking questions such as what have you tried what haven’t you tried? 2. What do you think your options are? 3. Offer some suggestions but then be sure to let them know whether they try it or not it’s OK. 4. I hope you’re able to work this out and that it doesn’t last long. 5. I can choose to just listen or say uh huh. 6. End the conversation with tell me something good & A hug or elbows these days. I’ve been listening to your videos for a long time. Your style and advice are so helpful. Much appreciated
I've had my share of people who were so negative that they were continually disrespectful to me. This would've helped to deal with them. I actually did say to myself stuff like "OMG it's him doing it again! Just like I figured he would!" Here's the funny part. I had an uncle who was an engineer. Small world!
Holy shit this describes exactly what I’ve been thinking for a while :O I really wish I could help them see the world the way I see it, but I cannot unfortunately because we all have different life experiences and knowledge
@@doreenlane2370 I believe my original comment was referring to my mother, who is very negative and hasn't done very much with her life but constantly complains about it and has a "woe is me" attitude. I tried to help her but gave up when it was obvious that she wasn't going to do anything but sit around and watch TV. But to your point, being married to someone does not mean that you're their parent. I wish more people would understand this. I'm happy to help my friends/family but if they aren't willing to put in effort to solve their own problems (and they are capable of doing so) then I'm clearly wasting my time. 🤷🏾♀
@@AleciaLott Interesting. Would you say you are codependent to your mom? Does your relationship with parent affect your relationships or romantic ones in some way?
@@AleciaLott My mother is also like that, though, to her credit, she does actually try when her health allows her to. Can't same the same for my brother, unfortunately. He complains about anything and everything, yet won't even lift a finger to improve the thing he's complaining about. Advice and trying to help him improve his mindset just fall on deaf ears. He'll literally ignore it, then go right back to complaining. Dude's in the prime of his life but wastes it away, wallowing in misery. I feel sorry for him in a way. I'd hate to be him lol
I realized I was doing this with a friend who is always unhappy and once I stopped putting effort in it got easier to be around them. I just tune out now until they're done.
Yes it seems to start a negative cycle and the silence for them signals repeat! Most of my negative friends repeat the same stories over and over and I find that hard.
I can relate - still learning how to deflect it mentally, while accepting the fact that I can't control it. I have to think of funny things and people. Bless ❤
My life is more peaceful when I'm not around contemptuous people. From life experience, negative people are lazy, don't take responsibility for their actions, abusive, untruthful, and unfaithful.
You don't always know what hard work preceded their fall into laziness. Is it maybe exhaustion and Learned Helplessness, from never getting heard and helped when struggling to ask for it? Or, if in fact lazy: What upbringing and nutrition did they get, what examples to watch and copy, what inspirartion?
My biggest takeaway was the reminder that you don’t HAVE to say anything in response to someone who is trying to bait you into an argument. I imagine if I’d done that many other times in my life, it would have prevented a lot of heartache especially dealing with difficult people, or even strangers online.
The main thing that I am taking with me from this video is that I am not responsible for solving other people’s worries and fears and disappointments and ultimately their vibration even if they are taking it out on me in that moment. And even if it directly involves me, I can remain neutral and non reactive! Non affected. What a blessing it is to know and embrace that fact.
Very refreshing to hear someone say something other than “cut them out of your life”. Hard to say someone else plays the victim or is afraid to face things when your only solution is avoid and disconnect. Bravo
I disagree. If the way you roll is to not try and deal with it and just flee, then maybe. But when the person has become toxic, you know they won't change, you have no interest in even trying to change them, they are manipulative and want you to enable their state of victimhood; when they suck the life out of every situation, we have gone far beyond someone who is hard to deal with.... I say back away from this rattlesnake and run once out of striking distance. Employ these strategies when you can't avoid them.
It took me 42 years when I’m sick coz of the suppression from mainly my mom to get the nerve to make some physical distance from mom and still my mom is still making her way to drag me back and dumping her issues on me😅
@@juliakristinamah I love how you champion specificities. We can even benefit by distinguishing generalities. Focus and identification and blurring and ignoring. Thank you for providing this platform.
Some of the best advice that has ever been given to me, and it changed my life so much for the better, is: Allow each person to walk their own path. Your words reinforce this for me.
I sing songs in my head around negative people. I avoid or reject these people as much as possible. When I am in a situation that I have to sit in. I again sing songs in my head and smile. They will not knock me out of my bubble of Joy 🥰
"Learning how to keep our own ego, thoughts, & emotions in check" this is hugh for me... Wow!! Thank you I will immediately implement this life changing principle in my relationships.
@1:50 Thank you for saying that. Cutting negative people out of your life is not always a solution to our own negative emotions. Positivity and standing up for yourself and others in the face of negativity is the only way to counter it. Its not easy but it is more powerful than giving in to narcissistic dynamics.
Wow, so simple yet so impactful and helpful. Thank you so very much. Don't be surprised, don't need to fix it, don't need to respond..... excellent points.
I needed to cut a very toxic person out of my life because she didn't have my best interest at heart. She would belittle and insult me. She would use gifts as a manipulation tool to get something from me. I don't feel good when I am around her, I felt she was manipulative, not genuine and always had ulterior motives. She loved to gossip and talk negatively about people, I don't trust her. Also, she has a mental illness which she gets medication for, there some people that no matter what you do you can't help them. Hurt people hurt people. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. Protect your energy and trust your intuition!!!! Peace and love❤
OMFG!!! It was like you tailored this message for me and I sooooooooo needed it today!!! I am about to listen to it for the 3rd time! I am both the negative person because of my training (not an engineer but an Administrator so we are trained to see and fix problems) my huge takeaways were... 1. Stop being shocked 😲 2. Stay out of fix it mode 3. Resist the urge for them to have to change. 4. To have empathy but not taking on responsibility. It is not mine to take responsibility for! Ugh this one was huge!!! 5. This just who they are and i need to accept it. 6. Be silent! Another huge one. Thank you thank you for this video!
There needs to be a caveat on all this discussion.....when a person or people is continually being negative around you then its ok to avoid or cut them off. No one is expected to have God-like powers of patience.
My father always says he's in a crisis, to use me for his personal business. I was emotionally invested in him too much to the point where I couldn't focus on my own career and life. Now I deflect these fake family drama and focus on me, and sometimes how to use them to my benefit.
You are totally talking about my old self, I did all these things that you list I shouldn't do and some people did use me to fix their life for them and to suck my energy out while I'm trying to prove my point. The more I did, the more they pretended they don't get it. It is a deep and dark rabbit whole. Never again. The only thing I now have to work on is to forgive myself for being this way and do better every day
@@juliakristinamah I wish I found you and some other helpful people out on UA-cam (there are a few, not very many in this topic) earlier. It took me years to figure out grey rock on my own and to learn that some people DO NOT want to understand your point, no matter how enthusiastically, thoroughly, logically explain yourself to them. Getting angry and upset is not solving it. It is sometimes the exact thing they want to feed themselves. Living with one of these has been a bitter pill to swallow and I went on for too long only by myself to figure it all out and protect myself. But I'm on the mend now. Please keep your videos coming. 😍
Great video Julia, well done. I am slowly learning to let people be and not being pushed around emotionally by those around me, especially getting out of the habit of blaming others for how I feel and taking responsibility for my own inner life and reactions.
My sister is the type of person who wants to judge and give you advice, but you can't give it back to her. She's a "it's my way or the highway" kind of person who thinks she knows best when she's got barely any life experience. I'm nearly 4yrs younger (35) and she treats me like a kid. She doesn't take any responsibility for her actions, she's selfish, narc-y, and complains about everything. She's someone you can't reason with and has no understanding or empathy. I agree with you when you say that we're draining ourselves by trying to "fix" them or make them see differently. I know I'm drained after trying that with my sister. This video was very helpful, thank you and happy New Year!
I must definitely comment. "Remaining at peace when around someone who is difficult, that is growth." This resonates well with me, exactly the journey I am on. Many thanks Julia, the information that you provided in this talk was most insightful! Blessings.
I find it very empowering to have the courage to stand up for yourself and decide not to be around these types of people. My life is so much more peaceful because I have decided to choose with whom I spend my time.
I agree. Why would you want to waste your time and energy on this? You have no obligation to put up with someone who is toxic. Everyone can be difficult at times, but when someone is so toxic, doesn't want help, doesn't want change, wants you to be their sponge that just sucks up the venom they spew. NO. I don't want to work this hard all of the time...
What I am taking in from this video is: “It’s easy to be around people we find easy to be around. It is growth when we can be around people that aren’t.” I am going to work with this idea cause that’s something where there is definitely place for growth for me! Thank you Julia.
Gray rock method works like a charm for me every time I use it! It is so simple. It really amazes me every time. I think the person feels heard, and then they are able to move on.
Thank you for your credentials. SO many people get on UTube and give advice and bloviate about any and every topic on the planet including physical and mental health... none of which they are qualified to do. Your advice is very practical and specific and simply makes sense. I agree that we can only control ourselves and not other people. Thank you for your insights!
So true. There are 2 types of expert in mental health which are those who are the trained professionals and those that are the expert of their situation. But often times advice is given too freely when it comes to MH without that understanding of "why" which is important to understand in order to find change.
I love the message that I don't need to be "right." I don't need to speak up or solve someone else's problem or help prove/disprove their point. It's not my obligation to come out on top or to help them come out on top. I can just choose to disengage entirely. Very empowering.
Ok ..the thing I learnt from the video was just accept people the way they are, and don't get drowned into their drama and be cool ,and accept their opinions and the way their viewpoints are and how they see the world. and don't try to push them towards your opinion or give them any solutions for the problems. if you have any suggestion just give it to them and don't try to make them feel like they are forced to do whatever you said .and you don't necessarily have to completely buy all their problems and get it into yourself . and just be calm and listen to them and if you don't wanna hear about something simply just change the subject and say I don't want to talk about it. and yeah that's it. thank you so much.
Thank you. I'm learning just lately that we really only grow up by staying into difficult situations and we don't grow up by always running away from difficult thing, problems, people etc. Sorry if my english is not very good, I'm italian
I own a fitness studio in a very affluent area, I hear women moaning all day everyday. Often these people are so far removed from everyday people that their problems seem crazy to me... Not even first world problems but premier world problems. Often they complain about their weight and physical appearance but eat out 4 days a week, party at the weekends and take regular holidays. It's hard for me to listen to this from 25 ladies daily and not feel drained after a 14 hour day. I get run down and feel like I'm going to burn out. This video was really helpful and I'm going to apply this to my daily life. Thank you.
Really needed to hear this today. Thank you ❤️❤️ I tend to be a pretty positive person majority of the time after years of healing and still am. But when I get a negative person pop into my life I tend to replay the situation over and over again in my head and get emotionally worked up. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be luckily but still gives me issues consistently
Sometimes, a person needs acknowledgement for their experiences. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard. They don't need to be fixed because someone else cannot fix their problems the way they can.
I agree with you Fatima. I needed most to find, Stumble into a person with enough conscious awareness to see my pain and enough courage and emotional availability to sit with me in my own emotional vulnerability. As far as being fixed is concerned I believe we each have within us all the answers to our questions and it is "simply" a matter of finding someone trustworthy enough to share those answers with who won't hold us guilty for having a different perspective
I do the "gray rock" thing all the time!! I kinda had to figure out a way to cope with negative people and that's the only way I found to not get into drama by adding fuel to their fire. When I do it they freeze and change the subject right away most of the time. This video was really helpful thank you!
"It's growth when we can be around those who" are not easy. How to detach and not get pulled into the drama. Wow. New viewer. I subscribed. Excellent insight that is easily applied. Thank you!
Hey I'm 14 and I'm extremely interested in psychology and therapy and I've recently discovered your videos and they're really helpful :00 I actually have pencil and paper and write down what you're saying :0 I makes me feel like I'm one step closer to being like an actual therapist 💖 you're genuinely the best, keep going! You're helping more people than you may realize
It's really impressive that you are already interested in information like this. Great job !!! Keep studying and learning. You can for sure be an awesome and wonderful therapist that powerfully help many people! This world needs more like you!
Glad you are interested at your age. I am a psychologist and love what I do to help people understand their lives. Psychologist is a great field to be in and you have plenty of time to plan and decide your "why" of what brings you to this field as it will help guid you to your clients!
You have a very mature way of expressing yourself. You could pass as a grown up. Also love your positive attitude ☀. Please, also be carefull about mentioning your age online. There are lots of people praying on children and teenagers. They engage you in the most unexpected manipulative ways. All the best 😊
Please study how ASD affects all relationships, the world needs ASD people, but they need psychologists who RECOGNIZE this disorder, and can then go from there! Very important! You will change the world young person!
For my specific situation it isn’t about certain topics it’s about the attitude and personality of the person. The person is negative no matter what the cause. I often ask myself if it’s even worth it at this point being that every interaction becomes draining and sucks out the fun. Feels like I’m walking in egg shells around the person having to make everything ultra positive to equal out our interactions, like why should I have to bask in it and say yes, ok and I understand when it’s a continuous. In my opinion I honestly believe that sometimes maybe two people just aren’t right for each other anymore and that’s ok. Ps this is a friendship I’m taking about!!!
I agree that they are often not aware. I think it's the dysfunctional way their parents communicated and It's what they think of as normal. Thank you for your videos. Positive and empowering.
It makes sense what you are saying. A family member is so negative and talks to people in a way I never would. I finally had to go no contact because of how being around them made me feel. My health is more important!
Thank you! This is the most helpful thing I have ever heard about dealing with negative people. My number one negative person is my husband. After decades of marriage I often feel frustrated, resentful and even guilty that I haven't been able to make him be more positive, because he seems so unhappy sometimes. What you said about just letting them be what they are instead of trying to change them is just so profound! I realize I need to stop resisting and fighting this trait in him which I know was handed down from his parents, particularly his mother. Most of the time he has no real wish to do anything about what he complains about anyway. I think these people just enjoy the act of complaining and being negative and would be lost without it, since they don't know how to be any other way and probably really don't want to be.
Thank you so much for making this video ❤ I’m in healthcare for 10+ hours m-f surrounded by unhealthy negative conversations. It is so draining, and now effecting my whole day. I know these skills will work. THANK YOU!
I feel like my husband is destroying my mental health. He is killing me. After 48 years, I don’t think I can take a minute more. I’m listening to your words, but I’m not trying to “fix” him, or the problem. It’s just that I get so worn down. He is beyond help in my opinion after years and years of his trying to change to save our marriage. I cannot breathe. He is hurting himself too. I try walking away. I’ve asked him to “now say something positive”. I’ve tried Not responding. Then he accuses me of not caring about him. I can’t seem to get away. I can’t stop it. I can’t rest from it. My beautiful world turns grey and the oxygen is gone.
That is a really tough situation to deal with. What are you doing to make your life better? What are the good things that are going on in your life right now?
Man bruhh, it’s so hard sometimes and this video just gave me so much clarity. The thing that connected with me was letting go of my ego and in owning that I CAN say to myself I’m not going to get into that when I feel triggered. Just knowing that it’s okay helps so much!🧡 thank you (I’m in tears btw 😂 good tears!)
This is an excellent video, I work with very difficult people who hurt others, often draining & difficult! I think my angels bought this to me. Thank you so much 😊
It's so freeing the moment you stop trying to change or help someone who doesn't want to be helped. As well as accepting that maybe that's just who they are, and I don't need to do something about it. Thank you for discussing this topic. I have been slowly applying this in my life.
Lol...my narc mom was bored the other day ( she's 84 yrs old, yet still a spit fire) calls me, she starts off with the strong worried tone, she tells me xyz...( trying to pull me in and get me upset) I say to her, that's right, that's true ....i feel her guns disarm ...lol. She was even disappointed I didn't fight her on the subject she brought up. ( it was so funny)
@@juliakristinamah Yes! But I am guilty of being a fixer, if someone tells me somthing ...i don't know if I'm a problem solver or a fixer...Can you please make a video WHY people are the fixer types. Example; my friend was fired a couple weeks ago, I went into looking for jobs for them.. My ex boyfriend complained about his health woes, I had a vitamins supplement that would help over taking Pharm meds. You get the picture, I'm a fixer :-( I am self aware, I know I'm not doing it to avoid looking at myself or going within... I've done all my metanoia already, I like reading & continually growing. ( but I'm a fixer, what's up with that?! )
@@m.skinner6303 Being a fixer is a learned response and likely started very young and helped you gain your spot in the family. You seem pretty insightful so look into your family history when the fixing started and how it made you feel. But I agree a video about fixing would be great!
I’m looking forward to hearing your advice once my upcoming lecture is over later today!! I’ve known and still do know quite a few negative people, and I have a hard time getting away from some of them because they’re friends with people I’m close with and it’s somewhat frustrating. I hope you’re having a terrific week so far 💗
Releasing any person, place or thing that does not increase my peace, joy, and/or contentment serves me well in this life. I do not believe letting go of negativity in my life is a weakness, but a strength, on my part. It keeps my blood pressure lower, and I haven't had another heart attack since. Letting go of "negative" people is actually life-presserving, for me.
This is so helpful, thank you so much. I've been greatly affected by this negative view in my family. I'm working on it within myself but I'm learning that I cant work on it for others. I just I have to accept who they are. Thank you!!!
OMG!! I can say I’m uncomfortable & ask to talk about something else?!!!!!! What!! I’m going to need to listen to this again because I struggle going back & forth on whether to stop talking to certain people because of “their” negative attitude. But really it is me that needs to change!!!! OMFG!! I’m so grateful for this insight!!
I also fed up of negative people around me and learnt that I am not the only one. Learnt good tips to set boundaries where I am lacking a lot.. thanks so much for this video!! Love it ❤
Greetings Julia, and thank you so much for everything you do. Your excellent advice and you’re calm delivery of that advice has helped me more than you will ever know. I hope you and yours are safe. As you say to all of us at the end of every video, take good care.
Julia, love you for this! People are always trying to tell you to cut people out of your life. They don’t know now that they become another negative energy. Thank for showing me, I am getting pulled in, while trying to let family just being themselves. Why am I working harder on the problems then them. I love saying “what have you tried” instead of them trying for me to solve the pain. Can you please give a video more about being unattached without being mean. I would love know that tell people that what I am doing not making it worse, and they don’t know how to not attach. Ego work!! Of the people around us. Yess!
Great advice and very well put. I think my biggest takeaway from this, is that you absolutely can acknowledge the person's problem, but you do not have to fix their problems. I feel that a lot of people Don't realize that they don't have to fix the other person's problems.
For me my problem has been empathy and being pulled into it, trying to offer help even beyond my capacity hence getting more hurt than the person I empathize with. I am also learning to not say anything when I don't want to get pulled into it especially when I know how the conversation will end up. Also saying NO and not offering a lot of explanations since people use them against you to make you accept what they want or say yes, I really battled with this and I am doing my best to be consistent. It has started working and I thank God for that. Thanks
This is helpful information. I also find too much positivity, or what seems like delusion positivity to be draining. I guess any conversation that is too far from reality can be annoying. But over the top "isn't everything great", when it obviously isn't, is just as bad for me, as negativity.
Great information thank you! Powerful information that I always needed. The information that really hit home was accepting people for who they are and not to be surprised about how they usually act or say certain things. It is nice because now I can take control of how I respond to negative people and take ownership to keep my own peace because I can’t control anyone but myself. Instead of running from negative people I can now accept them for who they are and I can now take ownership of how I respond and nurture my well being by not engaging and set boundaries in the various ways you explained in the video.
Thank you so much for this. I shared it with my PTSD wives group. We deal with our veteran husbands and the negativity and outbursts and we are constantly on edge and fix it mode. This has refreshed my thoughts on how to go about a few situations. Very awesome information!!!
First time here. Fortune to have found you. I was in a deep depression after a sibling argument where I felt drained, and I spiraled down into depression. I wasn't finding a way out of it. What I connected with is to not disengage because that shows I give them power. I need to get better at managing my emotions. It is me draining me. Thank you! I have to live my existence. I felt in me my depression shift.
I don't need to let me being pulled into some kind of conversations that I don't have to. My emotions, my responsibility. Thank you, Christina! God bless you🌷
Very powerful and profound but yet gentle counselor. My takeaway was it's okay to speak up and let a negative person know if a conversation is hard or you don't have to give them power
Thank you so much Julia. I love how passionate you are with your work. I love how well versed you are with what you are saying. You are an Angel disguised as human!
Great video, thank you. I have trouble handling my mother's negativity and passive aggressive comments. I live 2,000 miles away from her, and yet her impact over my mental wellbeing is overwhelming. After each encounter I sink into a deep hole where I stew in sadness, guilt, shame, frustration, pity...it's a mix of very heavy feelings. It's a typical codependency. My father died 3 years ago and she now lives alone, but has ostresized most of her friends and family, so one might say that her situation is all her own making, but her passive aggressive comments make me feel as if I'm responsible for it and need to fix it all so she can be happy, despite numerous occasions in the past when I've tried and it has been thrown back into my face. It's an unwinnable battle.
This was an amazing video! Thank you for all the work you do. The gray rock method that you mentioned is definitely something that I want to learn more about and try. Also, doing the work to keep my ego in check would be really helpful in not getting pulled in.
The point i loved was not ditching negative people. Ditching the negative is all over social media as great advice but is so shallow and wrong. Thanks for reinforcing this
Confidently, I have a problem Standing up for myself. So it doesn't always work for me. It's not what is best for me. That's the thing. One has to do what is best for oneself.
My takeaway: with practice, I can learn to be a kind person who does not get caught up in ithers complaining, victim-behavior, and negativity. Thank you for all the practical tips. Im going to listen a 2nd time & write them all down!
It is good to be around easy people, but real growth is when you can be around negative and difficult people and not get pulled in by them... that my friend is real growth 🎉
LOL try living with 2 people that are like that. One is my wife, and the other is my mom. they both suffer from immense pain on a daily basis. One has Post hepatic Neuralgia and the other has fibromyalgia and severe gastrointestinal issues. its interesting with them. if they aren't in pain, they are both pretty pleasant to live with.
One of the things to add is that negative people are what they are based on their choices as they grow up. My ride, which brings me to work, is pessimistic and engulfed in politics. In every bad situation, he is in, he blames politicians and others around him. I now know when he does fly off the wall I have to listen and not say anything. Thank you for the video!!
I have been betrayed and/or abandoned by the three people I have been closest with during the last 7 sevens years. I no longer trust people in general. I remember when I did. I feel I have been naive about people.
@@juliakristinamah Listening again with a changing perspective. That this seeing how I give power away by wanting other people to come into my mindset is part of my Achilles Heel. It is draining and to see that it is me that is draining myself by putting energy to where it is unlikely to succeed. This hits me hard. Happened a few days ago in the most mild of ways and I was down for a day following. It usually happens when I am wide open and it comes like a lightning bolt from a clear sky. good news: I have experienced trust again for the first time in over 3 years. It is a huge step forward. Oh I hear you about Engineers, I have one for a client, yes can see the world as a bunch of problems, however they don't seem to be down about it. Sometimes have a gleeful kind of Eeyore-ness about it.
Hi friends - what was your biggest takeaway from this video?
Don't let anyone dump on you all the time. Setting boundaries, limiting your time with a negative person...great tips here.
That there's a big part of people just wanting to be right, so they impose/argue to nauseum to feel they had the last word, so there's no true back/forth just hearing themselves talk.
Julia Kristina Counselling After listening to this video several times. My takeaways are.
1. I can give the control back to the person by asking questions such as what have you tried what haven’t you tried?
2. What do you think your options are?
3. Offer some suggestions but then be sure to let them know whether they try it or not it’s OK.
4. I hope you’re able to work this out and that it doesn’t last long.
5. I can choose to just listen or say uh huh.
6. End the conversation with tell me something good & A hug or elbows these days.
I’ve been listening to your videos for a long time. Your style and advice are so helpful. Much appreciated
I've had my share of people who were so negative that they were continually disrespectful to me. This would've helped to deal with them. I actually did say to myself stuff like "OMG it's him doing it again! Just like I figured he would!" Here's the funny part. I had an uncle who was an engineer. Small world!
@@rominaramos6050 yup! good one.
negative people don't upset orr drain me; i upset or drain me by focusing on them/believing they should be different &/or trying to change them
Holy shit this describes exactly what I’ve been thinking for a while :O I really wish I could help them see the world the way I see it, but I cannot unfortunately because we all have different life experiences and knowledge
This is why I came to find this video! It is a comfort to know I'm not alone. Thanks.
Omg fr
🤯🤯🤯
Facts!
"Why am I working harder to help this person solve their problem than they are?" YESSSS I wish I could like this 10,000 times!
Because your married to them... they're your family
@@doreenlane2370 I believe my original comment was referring to my mother, who is very negative and hasn't done very much with her life but constantly complains about it and has a "woe is me" attitude. I tried to help her but gave up when it was obvious that she wasn't going to do anything but sit around and watch TV. But to your point, being married to someone does not mean that you're their parent. I wish more people would understand this. I'm happy to help my friends/family but if they aren't willing to put in effort to solve their own problems (and they are capable of doing so) then I'm clearly wasting my time. 🤷🏾♀
@@AleciaLott Interesting.
Would you say you are codependent to your mom?
Does your relationship with parent affect your relationships or romantic ones in some way?
@@AleciaLott My mother is also like that, though, to her credit, she does actually try when her health allows her to. Can't same the same for my brother, unfortunately. He complains about anything and everything, yet won't even lift a finger to improve the thing he's complaining about. Advice and trying to help him improve his mindset just fall on deaf ears. He'll literally ignore it, then go right back to complaining. Dude's in the prime of his life but wastes it away, wallowing in misery.
I feel sorry for him in a way. I'd hate to be him lol
I realized I was doing this with a friend who is always unhappy and once I stopped putting effort in it got easier to be around them. I just tune out now until they're done.
I’m just tired of listening to them complain. It affects me because I catch myself being negative when I was a really positive person before.
Yes it seems to start a negative cycle and the silence for them signals repeat! Most of my negative friends repeat the same stories over and over and I find that hard.
I can relate - still learning how to deflect it mentally, while accepting the fact that I can't control it. I have to think of funny things and people. Bless ❤
@@gaiagensouki my brother used to ask everyone at dinner what their happy thing was for the day. Sometimes I try that to change the subject.
Yes, everything seems overwhelming and anxious to me now compared the past
Never engage in aggressive arguments, you won't accomplish anything.
It only results in bruised egos.
This reminds me of the story of the Dark wolf and the Light wolf. Aggression feeds the Dark wolf.
Agreed. No good comes from stoking a flared fire.
@@juliakristinamah 100% correct!
Wow just went through this.
@@silentgrove7670 what is that story called?
My life is more peaceful when I'm not around contemptuous people. From life experience, negative people are lazy, don't take responsibility for their actions, abusive, untruthful, and unfaithful.
You don't always know what hard work preceded their fall into laziness. Is it maybe exhaustion and Learned Helplessness, from never getting heard and helped when struggling to ask for it? Or, if in fact lazy: What upbringing and nutrition did they get, what examples to watch and copy, what inspirartion?
@@Medietos I agree with both of you🙂
@@Medietos why? So we can justify and accept their behaviour?
No thanks.
Having understanding and empathy doesn’t mean you have to stay there.
My biggest takeaway was the reminder that you don’t HAVE to say anything in response to someone who is trying to bait you into an argument. I imagine if I’d done that many other times in my life, it would have prevented a lot of heartache especially dealing with difficult people, or even strangers online.
You are so right, and they can be very insistent sometimes in trying to get a response from you.
Same. Sometimes my parents gets into arguments and I feel emotionally drained. Having boundaries and not saying much can help
SAME, that's my takeaway too.
The main thing that I am taking with me from this video is that I am not responsible for solving other people’s worries and fears and disappointments and ultimately their vibration even if they are taking it out on me in that moment. And even if it directly involves me, I can remain neutral and non reactive! Non affected. What a blessing it is to know and embrace that fact.
Very refreshing to hear someone say something other than “cut them out of your life”. Hard to say someone else plays the victim or is afraid to face things when your only solution is avoid and disconnect. Bravo
I disagree. If the way you roll is to not try and deal with it and just flee, then maybe. But when the person has become toxic, you know they won't change, you have no interest in even trying to change them, they are manipulative and want you to enable their state of victimhood; when they suck the life out of every situation, we have gone far beyond someone who is hard to deal with.... I say back away from this rattlesnake and run once out of striking distance. Employ these strategies when you can't avoid them.
Yep. If your reaction to everyone's flaws is to cut them out of your life, then you're going to be alone.
My mother was very negative. She drained me to no end. I was 34 when I moved away from her in 1991.
Oh, wow. Why so late?
Took my wife 34 years to walk away from her toxic family.
It took me 42 years when I’m sick coz of the suppression from mainly my mom to get the nerve to make some physical distance from mom and still my mom is still making her way to drag me back and dumping her issues on me😅
I have the right to be quiet. Simply as that. This is a gem.
I have written this one down as a must remember “why, if they always do it, are you surprised when they DO do it”.......
I love how intentional you always are ❤️
This one HIT !! 😂
Bc we always hope t ppl we love won’t dissapoint us
sometimes they just don't take ownership for their behavior and if you notice something they dump it back on you. 🙏
@@juliakristinamah I love how you champion specificities. We can even benefit by distinguishing generalities. Focus and identification and blurring and ignoring. Thank you for providing this platform.
Toxic people are everywhere! We have to take care of ourselves and be safe :)
One thing that stood out: sometimes all I have to do is say “Ok.” And keep it moving! Thanks Julia, this entire video was extremely helpful!
Sherria Moore (and keep it moving) love it. Yes. Don’t give it a second thought.
Simple and effective. Glad it connected.
Sometimes a short response is the best gift you can give yourself!
Ok but we can teach them by setting down our foot and not just say ok.
Blocking them and telling them how they are wrong is a ledsen they should learn
Some of the best advice that has ever been given to me, and it changed my life so much for the better, is:
Allow each person to walk their own path.
Your words reinforce this for me.
I’m in agreement that we allow ourselves to be drained, however protecting personal peace is imperative and walking away is just the better choice.
I watched this video to pick up hints when I am being negative. I often say negative things without realizing it.
I hear you brother - me too. Glad we're both working on it.
Me too
I sing songs in my head around negative people. I avoid or reject these people as much as possible. When I am in a situation that I have to sit in. I again sing songs in my head and smile. They will not knock me out of my bubble of Joy 🥰
I lived the way she recommends for 8 years with someone and it was miserable. Finally left and now I'm happy.
We need to ACCEPT people acting like (jerks) LET THEM DO THEIR THING AND NOT GET AFFECTED BY IT! I have a struggle for years with this!
Cutting people off (whether it’s for personal reasons or for political reasons) is absolutely disempowering totally agree
Fantastic reversed my thinking I've been running away from her instead of just accepting that's how she rolls
"Learning how to keep our own ego, thoughts, & emotions in check" this is hugh for me... Wow!! Thank you
I will immediately implement this life changing principle in my relationships.
@1:50 Thank you for saying that. Cutting negative people out of your life is not always a solution to our own negative emotions. Positivity and standing up for yourself and others in the face of negativity is the only way to counter it. Its not easy but it is more powerful than giving in to narcissistic dynamics.
Amen brother. Sometimes we need to end relationships, but not always.
Wow, so simple yet so impactful and helpful. Thank you so very much. Don't be surprised, don't need to fix it, don't need to respond..... excellent points.
My life is better since I cut off toxic people I don't have to work with.
I needed to cut a very toxic person out of my life because she didn't have my best interest at heart. She would belittle and insult me. She would use gifts as a manipulation tool to get something from me. I don't feel good when I am around her, I felt she was manipulative, not genuine and always had ulterior motives. She loved to gossip and talk negatively about people, I don't trust her. Also, she has a mental illness which she gets medication for, there some people that no matter what you do you can't help them. Hurt people hurt people. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. Protect your energy and trust your intuition!!!! Peace and love❤
OMFG!!! It was like you tailored this message for me and I sooooooooo needed it today!!! I am about to listen to it for the 3rd time! I am both the negative person because of my training (not an engineer but an Administrator so we are trained to see and fix problems) my huge takeaways were...
1. Stop being shocked 😲
2. Stay out of fix it mode
3. Resist the urge for them to have to change.
4. To have empathy but not taking on responsibility. It is not mine to take responsibility for! Ugh this one was huge!!!
5. This just who they are and i need to accept it.
6. Be silent! Another huge one. Thank you thank you for this video!
I am finding boundaries helpful when dealing with negative people...
There needs to be a caveat on all this discussion.....when a person or people is continually being negative around you then its ok to avoid or cut them off. No one is expected to have God-like powers of patience.
My father always says he's in a crisis, to use me for his personal business. I was emotionally invested in him too much to the point where I couldn't focus on my own career and life. Now I deflect these fake family drama and focus on me, and sometimes how to use them to my benefit.
You are totally talking about my old self, I did all these things that you list I shouldn't do and some people did use me to fix their life for them and to suck my energy out while I'm trying to prove my point. The more I did, the more they pretended they don't get it. It is a deep and dark rabbit whole. Never again. The only thing I now have to work on is to forgive myself for being this way and do better every day
GOOD for you for moving forward and growing through this.
@@juliakristinamah I wish I found you and some other helpful people out on UA-cam (there are a few, not very many in this topic) earlier. It took me years to figure out grey rock on my own and to learn that some people DO NOT want to understand your point, no matter how enthusiastically, thoroughly, logically explain yourself to them. Getting angry and upset is not solving it. It is sometimes the exact thing they want to feed themselves. Living with one of these has been a bitter pill to swallow and I went on for too long only by myself to figure it all out and protect myself. But I'm on the mend now. Please keep your videos coming. 😍
Great video Julia, well done. I am slowly learning to let people be and not being pushed around emotionally by those around me, especially getting out of the habit of blaming others for how I feel and taking responsibility for my own inner life and reactions.
YES! YES! YES! YES!! This is EVERYTHING. So proud of you friend.
This video is gold.
Often the negative person needs the release of just being able to express themselves. They don't *want* solutions.
All of it was very helpful. But the most: 1)Stop being surprised by the same regular behaviour. 6) Gray rock method: saying nothing.
My sister is the type of person who wants to judge and give you advice, but you can't give it back to her. She's a "it's my way or the highway" kind of person who thinks she knows best when she's got barely any life experience. I'm nearly 4yrs younger (35) and she treats me like a kid. She doesn't take any responsibility for her actions, she's selfish, narc-y, and complains about everything. She's someone you can't reason with and has no understanding or empathy. I agree with you when you say that we're draining ourselves by trying to "fix" them or make them see differently. I know I'm drained after trying that with my sister. This video was very helpful, thank you and happy New Year!
Great way to deal with sociopaths and narcissists! Grey Rock and shrug. Think:. That's just how they are! So simple 😀. Thanks Julia!
I must definitely comment. "Remaining at peace when around someone who is difficult, that is growth." This resonates well with me, exactly the journey I am on. Many thanks Julia, the information that you provided in this talk was most insightful! Blessings.
I find it very empowering to have the courage to stand up for yourself and decide not to be around these types of people. My life is so much more peaceful because I have decided to choose with whom I spend my time.
I agree. Why would you want to waste your time and energy on this? You have no obligation to put up with someone who is toxic. Everyone can be difficult at times, but when someone is so toxic, doesn't want help, doesn't want change, wants you to be their sponge that just sucks up the venom they spew. NO. I don't want to work this hard all of the time...
What I am taking in from this video is: “It’s easy to be around people we find easy to be around. It is growth when we can be around people that aren’t.” I am going to work with this idea cause that’s something where there is definitely place for growth for me! Thank you Julia.
Gray rock method works like a charm for me every time I use it! It is so simple. It really amazes me every time. I think the person feels heard, and then they are able to move on.
Thank you for your credentials. SO many people get on UTube and give advice and bloviate about any and every topic on the planet including physical and mental health... none of which they are qualified to do. Your advice is very practical and specific and simply makes sense. I agree that we can only control ourselves and not other people. Thank you for your insights!
So true. There are 2 types of expert in mental health which are those who are the trained professionals and those that are the expert of their situation. But often times advice is given too freely when it comes to MH without that understanding of "why" which is important to understand in order to find change.
I totally agree with you
I love the message that I don't need to be "right." I don't need to speak up or solve someone else's problem or help prove/disprove their point. It's not my obligation to come out on top or to help them come out on top. I can just choose to disengage entirely. Very empowering.
Ok ..the thing I learnt from the video was just accept people the way they are, and don't get drowned into their drama and be cool ,and accept their opinions and the way their viewpoints are and how they see the world. and don't try to push them towards your opinion or give them any solutions for the problems. if you have any suggestion just give it to them and don't try to make them feel like they are forced to do whatever you said .and you don't necessarily have to completely buy all their problems and get it into yourself . and just be calm and listen to them and if you don't wanna hear about something simply just change the subject and say I don't want to talk about it. and yeah that's it. thank you so much.
Thank you. I'm learning just lately that we really only grow up by staying into difficult situations and we don't grow up by always running away from difficult thing, problems, people etc.
Sorry if my english is not very good, I'm italian
We do grow when we're stretched - absolutely. Glad you're here friend.
So true!
I own a fitness studio in a very affluent area, I hear women moaning all day everyday. Often these people are so far removed from everyday people that their problems seem crazy to me... Not even first world problems but premier world problems. Often they complain about their weight and physical appearance but eat out 4 days a week, party at the weekends and take regular holidays. It's hard for me to listen to this from 25 ladies daily and not feel drained after a 14 hour day. I get run down and feel like I'm going to burn out. This video was really helpful and I'm going to apply this to my daily life. Thank you.
Really needed to hear this today. Thank you ❤️❤️ I tend to be a pretty positive person majority of the time after years of healing and still am. But when I get a negative person pop into my life I tend to replay the situation over and over again in my head and get emotionally worked up. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be luckily but still gives me issues consistently
This was very helpful. I will need to be reminded of this. One thing that connected for me is to let go of the ego and let people be who they are.
Sometimes, a person needs acknowledgement for their experiences. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard. They don't need to be fixed because someone else cannot fix their problems the way they can.
I agree with you Fatima. I needed most to find, Stumble into a person with enough conscious awareness to see my pain and enough courage and emotional availability to sit with me in my own emotional vulnerability.
As far as being fixed is concerned I believe we each have within us all the answers to our questions and it is "simply" a matter of finding someone trustworthy enough to share those answers with who won't hold us guilty for having a different perspective
@@raularmas317 absolutely
I do the "gray rock" thing all the time!! I kinda had to figure out a way to cope with negative people and that's the only way I found to not get into drama by adding fuel to their fire. When I do it they freeze and change the subject right away most of the time. This video was really helpful thank you!
I love that one too. So simple and so effective. Glad you're here Stephanie.
"It's growth when we can be around those who" are not easy. How to detach and not get pulled into the drama. Wow. New viewer. I subscribed. Excellent insight that is easily applied. Thank you!
Hey I'm 14 and I'm extremely interested in psychology and therapy and I've recently discovered your videos and they're really helpful :00 I actually have pencil and paper and write down what you're saying :0 I makes me feel like I'm one step closer to being like an actual therapist 💖 you're genuinely the best, keep going! You're helping more people than you may realize
It's really impressive that you are already interested in information like this. Great job !!! Keep studying and learning. You can for sure be an awesome and wonderful therapist that powerfully help many people! This world needs more like you!
Glad you are interested at your age. I am a psychologist and love what I do to help people understand their lives. Psychologist is a great field to be in and you have plenty of time to plan and decide your "why" of what brings you to this field as it will help guid you to your clients!
You have a very mature way of expressing yourself. You could pass as a grown up. Also love your positive attitude ☀.
Please, also be carefull about mentioning your age online. There are lots of people praying on children and teenagers. They engage you in the most unexpected manipulative ways. All the best 😊
Kyle Hare: Hey I'm not buying your 'story'....I think you know what I mean!
Please study how ASD affects all relationships, the world needs ASD people, but they need psychologists who RECOGNIZE this disorder, and can then go from there! Very important! You will change the world young person!
For my specific situation it isn’t about certain topics it’s about the attitude and personality of the person. The person is negative no matter what the cause. I often ask myself if it’s even worth it at this point being that every interaction becomes draining and sucks out the fun. Feels like I’m walking in egg shells around the person having to make everything ultra positive to equal out our interactions, like why should I have to bask in it and say yes, ok and I understand when it’s a continuous. In my opinion I honestly believe that sometimes maybe two people just aren’t right for each other anymore and that’s ok. Ps this is a friendship I’m taking about!!!
Growth. Ego. Acceptance. Not trying to fix it. Not saying anything. This was very helpful. Thank you.
I agree that they are often not aware. I think it's the dysfunctional way their parents communicated and It's what they think of as normal. Thank you for your videos. Positive and empowering.
It makes sense what you are saying. A family member is so negative and talks to people in a way I never would. I finally had to go no contact because of how being around them made me feel. My health is more important!
Thank you! This is the most helpful thing I have ever heard about dealing with negative people. My number one negative person is my husband. After decades of marriage I often feel frustrated, resentful and even guilty that I haven't been able to make him be more positive, because he seems so unhappy sometimes. What you said about just letting them be what they are instead of trying to change them is just so profound! I realize I need to stop resisting and fighting this trait in him which I know was handed down from his parents, particularly his mother. Most of the time he has no real wish to do anything about what he complains about anyway. I think these people just enjoy the act of complaining and being negative and would be lost without it, since they don't know how to be any other way and probably really don't want to be.
What if that negative person is your own mother...
Thank you so much for making this video ❤
I’m in healthcare for 10+ hours m-f surrounded by unhealthy negative conversations. It is so draining, and now effecting my whole day.
I know these skills will work.
THANK YOU!
I feel like my husband is destroying my mental health. He is killing me. After 48 years, I don’t think I can take a minute more. I’m listening to your words, but I’m not trying to “fix” him, or the problem. It’s just that I get so worn down. He is beyond help in my opinion after years and years of his trying to change to save our marriage. I cannot breathe. He is hurting himself too. I try walking away. I’ve asked him to “now say something positive”. I’ve tried Not responding. Then he accuses me of not caring about him. I can’t seem to get away. I can’t stop it. I can’t rest from it. My beautiful world turns grey and the oxygen is gone.
That is a really tough situation to deal with. What are you doing to make your life better? What are the good things that are going on in your life right now?
Seek counselling for yourself and decide what your next course of action is!! ❤❤❤
Not engaging, by not responding, is a proactive choice and a powerful one at that.
Man bruhh, it’s so hard sometimes and this video just gave me so much clarity. The thing that connected with me was letting go of my ego and in owning that I CAN say to myself I’m not going to get into that when I feel triggered. Just knowing that it’s okay helps so much!🧡 thank you (I’m in tears btw 😂 good tears!)
This is an excellent video, I work with very difficult people who hurt others, often draining & difficult! I think my angels bought this to me. Thank you so much 😊
This was extremely enlightening! I actually listened twice, back to back. Thank you for this insightful and easy to follow advice. ❤︎
What connected me to this video was the concept of being around toxic people being the opportunity for personal growth leading to empowerment.
I must thank UA-cams algorithm for discovering this wonderful channel. You're an absolute gem and keep up the great work.
It's so freeing the moment you stop trying to change or help someone who doesn't want to be helped. As well as accepting that maybe that's just who they are, and I don't need to do something about it. Thank you for discussing this topic. I have been slowly applying this in my life.
Lol...my narc mom was bored the other day ( she's 84 yrs old, yet still a spit fire) calls me, she starts off with the strong worried tone, she tells me xyz...( trying to pull me in and get me upset) I say to her, that's right, that's true ....i feel her guns disarm ...lol. She was even disappointed I didn't fight her on the subject she brought up. ( it was so funny)
Isn't it empowering to not get sucked in?
@@juliakristinamah Yes! But I am guilty of being a fixer, if someone tells me somthing ...i don't know if I'm a problem solver or a fixer...Can you please make a video WHY people are the fixer types. Example; my friend was fired a couple weeks ago, I went into looking for jobs for them.. My ex boyfriend complained about his health woes, I had a vitamins supplement that would help over taking Pharm meds.
You get the picture, I'm a fixer :-(
I am self aware, I know I'm not doing it to avoid looking at myself or going within... I've done all my metanoia already, I like reading & continually growing. ( but I'm a fixer, what's up with that?! )
@@m.skinner6303 Being a fixer is a learned response and likely started very young and helped you gain your spot in the family. You seem pretty insightful so look into your family history when the fixing started and how it made you feel. But I agree a video about fixing would be great!
I found this 3 years after it was posted. I found it for a reason! I will watch it multiple times.
I’m looking forward to hearing your advice once my upcoming lecture is over later today!! I’ve known and still do know quite a few negative people, and I have a hard time getting away from some of them because they’re friends with people I’m close with and it’s somewhat frustrating. I hope you’re having a terrific week so far 💗
Releasing any person, place or thing that does not increase my peace, joy, and/or contentment serves me well in this life. I do not believe letting go of negativity in my life is a weakness, but a strength, on my part. It keeps my blood pressure lower, and I haven't had another heart attack since. Letting go of "negative" people is actually life-presserving, for me.
This is so helpful, thank you so much. I've been greatly affected by this negative view in my family. I'm working on it within myself but I'm learning that I cant work on it for others. I just I have to accept who they are. Thank you!!!
It is hard at first, but really the only viable option. Glad you're here and doing this work with us.
OMG!! I can say I’m uncomfortable & ask to talk about something else?!!!!!! What!! I’m going to need to listen to this again because I struggle going back & forth on whether to stop talking to certain people because of “their” negative attitude. But really it is me that needs to change!!!! OMFG!! I’m so grateful for this insight!!
You've described what I've been going through in the last 7 months, thank you for clarifying it so well :).
So glad it connected brother. Glad you're here.
I also fed up of negative people around me and learnt that I am not the only one. Learnt good tips to set boundaries where I am lacking a lot.. thanks so much for this video!! Love it ❤
Greetings Julia, and thank you so much for everything you do. Your excellent advice and you’re calm delivery of that advice has helped me more than you will ever know. I hope you and yours are safe. As you say to all of us at the end of every video, take good care.
You too friend. I appreciate you.
Julia, love you for this! People are always trying to tell you to cut people out of your life. They don’t know now that they become another negative energy. Thank for showing me, I am getting pulled in, while trying to let family just being themselves. Why am I working harder on the problems then them. I love saying “what have you tried” instead of them trying for me to solve the pain. Can you please give a video more about being unattached without being mean. I would love know that tell people that what I am doing not making it worse, and they don’t know how to not attach. Ego work!! Of the people around us. Yess!
Great advice and very well put.
I think my biggest takeaway from this, is that you absolutely can acknowledge the person's problem, but you do not have to fix their problems. I feel that a lot of people
Don't realize that they don't have to fix the other person's problems.
For me my problem has been empathy and being pulled into it, trying to offer help even beyond my capacity hence getting more hurt than the person I empathize with.
I am also learning to not say anything when I don't want to get pulled into it especially when I know how the conversation will end up.
Also saying NO and not offering a lot of explanations since people use them against you to make you accept what they want or say yes, I really battled with this and I am doing my best to be consistent. It has started working and I thank God for that.
Thanks
This is helpful information. I also find too much positivity, or what seems like delusion positivity to be draining. I guess any conversation that is too far from reality can be annoying. But over the top "isn't everything great", when it obviously isn't, is just as bad for me, as negativity.
I know how you feel!
Are we being negative?
I really connected with the idea of stopping trying to solve other people's problems.
Great information thank you! Powerful information that I always needed. The information that really hit home was accepting people for who they are and not to be surprised about how they usually act or say certain things. It is nice because now I can take control of how I respond to negative people and take ownership to keep my own peace because I can’t control anyone but myself. Instead of running from negative people I can now accept them for who they are and I can now take ownership of how I respond and nurture my well being by not engaging and set boundaries in the various ways you explained in the video.
Very powerful! Yes! Our issues and potential for solving challenging situations are ALL internal.
Thank you so much for this. I shared it with my PTSD wives group. We deal with our veteran husbands and the negativity and outbursts and we are constantly on edge and fix it mode. This has refreshed my thoughts on how to go about a few situations. Very awesome information!!!
Mary Jane - check out Operation Angel Wings also ...
For veterans and families of 💕🇺🇸👍♥️
First time here. Fortune to have found you. I was in a deep depression after a sibling argument where I felt drained, and I spiraled down into depression. I wasn't finding a way out of it. What I connected with is to not disengage because that shows I give them power. I need to get better at managing my emotions. It is me draining me. Thank you! I have to live my existence. I felt in me my depression shift.
I can't fix anyone else! Thank you!!!!
It's life changing when we let ourselves live this truth.
I don't need to let me being pulled into some kind of conversations that I don't have to. My emotions, my responsibility.
Thank you, Christina! God bless you🌷
You got it! Glad you're here.
THIS VIDEO IS THE BEST ONE I’ve ever watched on this topic!! Thanks so much from hong kong😘
Very powerful and profound but yet gentle counselor. My takeaway was it's okay to speak up and let a negative person know if a conversation is hard or you don't have to give them power
Thank you so much Julia. I love how passionate you are with your work. I love how well versed you are with what you are saying. You are an Angel disguised as human!
You are so kind. Thanks for being here.
Great video, thank you. I have trouble handling my mother's negativity and passive aggressive comments. I live 2,000 miles away from her, and yet her impact over my mental wellbeing is overwhelming. After each encounter I sink into a deep hole where I stew in sadness, guilt, shame, frustration, pity...it's a mix of very heavy feelings. It's a typical codependency. My father died 3 years ago and she now lives alone, but has ostresized most of her friends and family, so one might say that her situation is all her own making, but her passive aggressive comments make me feel as if I'm responsible for it and need to fix it all so she can be happy, despite numerous occasions in the past when I've tried and it has been thrown back into my face. It's an unwinnable battle.
❤
This was an amazing video! Thank you for all the work you do. The gray rock method that you mentioned is definitely something that I want to learn more about and try. Also, doing the work to keep my ego in check would be really helpful in not getting pulled in.
The point i loved was not ditching negative people. Ditching the negative is all over social media as great advice but is so shallow and wrong. Thanks for reinforcing this
Grey rock method sounds like a good plan sometimes
Yes, that, no contact and or blocks.
It’s not u hv to stand up for yourself
Confidently, I have a problem Standing up for myself. So it doesn't always work for me. It's not what is best for me. That's the thing. One has to do what is best for oneself.
Kudos Julia. And to the finger pointers, don't ever think that you're better than somebody else. We all have flaws
Amen to that. We all have work to do. It's not them and us, it's all of us.
Omg! I love your videos so much. I really need to see a video about how to deal with self absorbed people. PLEASE
Can you be a bit more specific? What do you mean when you say they're self-absorbed?
My takeaway: with practice, I can learn to be a kind person who does not get caught up in ithers complaining, victim-behavior, and negativity.
Thank you for all the practical tips. Im going to listen a 2nd time & write them all down!
This was so good. Thank you. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
When dealing with negative people and situations to not respond negatively back. I’m told I’m being passive aggressive when I don’t respond.
You say it is mean and selfish to cut them off - but what if they are cruel and verbally abusive to you?
Absolutely like how do we deal with the rudeness and disrespect of other ppl especially if you told them before
It is good to be around easy people, but real growth is when you can be around negative and difficult people and not get pulled in by them... that my friend is real growth 🎉
LOL try living with 2 people that are like that. One is my wife, and the other is my mom. they both suffer from immense pain on a daily basis. One has Post hepatic Neuralgia and the other has fibromyalgia and severe gastrointestinal issues. its interesting with them. if they aren't in pain, they are both pretty pleasant to live with.
One of the things to add is that negative people are what they are based on their choices as they grow up. My ride, which brings me to work, is pessimistic and engulfed in politics. In every bad situation, he is in, he blames politicians and others around him. I now know when he does fly off the wall I have to listen and not say anything. Thank you for the video!!
I have been betrayed and/or abandoned by the three people I have been closest with during the last 7 sevens years. I no longer trust people in general. I remember when I did. I feel I have been naive about people.
I can imagine how painful that must have been. I see you friend.
@@juliakristinamah
Listening again with a changing perspective.
That this seeing how I give power away by wanting other people to come into my mindset is part of my Achilles Heel. It is draining and to see that it is me that is draining myself by putting energy to where it is unlikely to succeed. This hits me hard. Happened a few days ago in the most mild of ways and I was down for a day following. It usually happens when I am wide open and it comes like a lightning bolt from a clear sky.
good news: I have experienced trust again for the first time in over 3 years. It is a huge step forward.
Oh I hear you about Engineers, I have one for a client, yes can see the world as a bunch of problems, however they don't seem to be down about it. Sometimes have a gleeful kind of Eeyore-ness about it.