How to Deal with Difficult People | Jay Johnson | TEDxLivoniaCCLibrary
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- Опубліковано 17 жов 2018
- From co-workers and colleagues to friends and family, we are faced with challenging relationships daily. Unfortunately, we often go about managing them the wrong way. Only by elevating our understanding of behavior and acting through an internalized approach will we be able to master the conflicts created by dealing with difficult people. Jay Johnson is a trainer specializing in communication and leadership development. Using a unique perspective of behavioral intelligence, Jay empowers people and organizations across the globe stretching from Main Street to Wall Street. Jay is a designated Master Trainer through the Association for Talent Development (ATD). He is a two-time Excellence in Training Award recipient from the National Association of Professional Communication Consultants and in 2017 he was named “Top Trainer” by the ATD Detroit Chapter. Jay has a devotion to teaching and learning, and is passionate about inspiring people to reach peak performance in work and in life. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe, and allow things to pass.
Maaaan this is golden advice right here. 💯
I needed to hear this
Very helpful advice. Thank you
@@0johnecxx0 thank you for commenting. I needed to be reminded of this
Thanks for sharing
I know at least 5 ways to deal with them:
1. Never take their words personally. Always have this suspicion in mind, that they do not wish good for you, so you shouldn't trust their opinion of you.
2. Don't compete with them. It is futile and drains your energy.
3. If they attack you, stay calm, indifferent and if possible give them a sneaky compliment. The odds are they are used to people attacking them back and it takes them off guard when you see the positive things in them rather than the negative.
4. Don't become them. If they are negative, be positive. If they lie, tell the truth. If they speak behind your back, speak to their face. Always lead with example, because they might not simply have the skills to do that.
5. Do not trust them. Don't tell them personal details about your life or things they could use against you. Keep your distance and value your boundaries. Protect yourself.
EXCELLENT list that works. - your post was better than this video
Really helpful , I 'll definitely tell you it work for me or nat
What if everyone you know is this way!
@@winecrimesfoodandtime7119 Then I hope you will find nice people in your life, who are not out to destroy your happiness. You will know when you find them. No person in your life should be draining you too much or make you feel like they are not truly on your side. Only time will tell, so be careful with people. One thing I have noticed is that if a person talks about other people excessively to you, the odds are they are talking about you too. That's why I try to avoid people like that. And every person should have some things they never tell anyone. It is not wise to run around and tell all about your life to other people. Some things are better left unsaid. That way you protect yourself from harmful people.
I think this is such a useful comment!
"Their bad behavior shouldn't be the cause of your heart-attack."
Brilliant!
Honestly...it hit different reading it after....thank you
@@someperson7873 UA-cam Johnny depp amber heard case
Yes extremely true God bless you ❇️🌞✳️🙏 But what should we do when folk with power,,,do things in your life which have devst@ting destructive consequences?this will extremely understndbly mke us miserable🤔❇️🌞✳️🙏
@@mes1220 I appreciate your ability to look at a it from a different perspective~
@@TheIsaacShin yes thank you I very much appreciate your perspective God bless your sweet understnding compssionte soul Just wondering sincerely if you know how we handle it,when powerful people horrendously destroy our lives😔😥
Repeat after me:
It's safe to set boundaries with difficult people.
No matter what they say or feel, I am safe.
thank you!
& repeat its my heart attack otherwise
agree, because no matter what you want to help them, sometimes theyt don't want a change of themselves
That is a cheat mode what you DID
Repeat after me:
It's safe to set boundaries with difficult people.
No matter what they say or feel, I am safe.
It's not that easy tho
Some of the most annoying behaviors:
5/5/23 - Thought to capitalize more severe terms
NARCISSISM - When someone only cares for themself. (Someone with narcissism usually possesses at least 5-10 of the other traits mentioned below) (Added these parentheses 5/5/23)
GASLIGHTING - When someone tries to make you think you're crazy even when you have evidence. (WATCH OUT, THEY'RE TRYING TO BAIT YOU INTO AN ARGUMENT, DON'T FALL FOR IT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU KNOW THEY'LL GET CRAZY CRAZY ANGRY)
CONDESCENSION - When someone feels they're better than everyone else. (WATCH OUT, THESE PEOPLE WILL TRY TO BAIT YOU INTO ARGUMENTS USING CONDESCENSION AND TREATING YOU LIKE A BABY)
Presumptuousness - When someone "thinks" you'll be ok with something but doesn't care to ask and they make the decision anyways.
PASSIVE AGGRESSION - When someone says something to you that has an opposite meaning than what they said. (WATCH OUT, THIS CAN BE VERY SUBTLE AND HARD TO NOTICE, THEY WILL SWOOP YOU WITH THIS AND YOU WON'T REALIZE THEY WERE BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE)
VICTIMIZATION - When someone makes you out to be a bad guy and acts innocent when they're not. (WATCH OUT)
Delusion - When someone says things about you that aren't even true.
Jealousy - When someone hates you because you have a characteristic they lack.
Hypocrisy - When someone gets on to you for doing something then goes and does the same thing they got on to you about.
Pettiness - When someone gets mad at the littlest things.
JUSTIFICATION - When someone always feels "in the right" despite what they've done. (WATCH OUT, SOMEONE ALWAYS MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEIR ACTIONS IS SOMETHING TO WATCH OUT FOR)
LYING - No need to define.
Boisterousness - When someone purposely tries to get on your nerves.
Ego Stroking - When someone acts interested in you ONLY so they can get what they want in return.
GHOSTING - When they ignore you out of the blue. (WATCH THIS HAPPEN MULTIPLE TIMES, YOU'LL WONDER IF THEY'RE EVEN DOING IT, IF ANYONE WANTS AN EXAMPLE OF GHOSTING BECAUSE THE SIGNS ARE SO SUBTLE, ASK ME AS I HAVE A PERFECT EXPERIENCE EXAMPLE)
PROJECTION - When they put their negative emotions onto you. (WATCH OUT, THIS IS HOW A NARCISSIST LIKES TO DEMONIZE YOU AND PUT THINGS UPON YOU THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND WILL REROUTE THE CONVERSATION TO MAKE YOU THINK ITS YOUR PROBLEM IF YOU ARGUE)
SABOTAGE AND REVENGE - This is a sign of a terrible narcissist. We all should know what these terms mean, but watch out because their sabotages can be passive aggressive. (WATCH OUT WATCH OUT WATCH OUT, THIS PERSON HAS DONE WORSE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER TERMS ABOVE)
TRIANGULATION - When someone is constantly talking behind someone's back and saying this that are not true. (WATCH OUT WATCH OUT WATCH OUT, THIS IS ANOTHER ONE ON PAR WITH REVENGE, BECAUSE THEY'RE SPREADING UNTRUE INFORMATION ABOUT YOU TO PEOPLE YOU KNOW, ITS A WAY TO ISOLATE YOU) MOST COMMON SIGN (AS IT WILL OFTEN BE SUBTLE): They speak untrue bias behind others' backs.
BAITING - Someone trying to make you mad and trying to lure you into an argument. (WATCH OUT WATCH OUT, THE SIGNS CAN BE VERY SUBTLE, THEY'LL GET FAR MADDER THAN YOU ARE IF YOU COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR BAIT, THEY'RE ALSO SEEKING YOUR REACTION)
Trauma Bonding - Watch one of the experts' videos, explaining this is hard
EDIT: Adding new words I didn't have down before / Fixing errors
10/18/2021 - Added Ghosting and Projection
5/5/23 - Added Triangulation, Baiting and Sabotage/Revenge - Signs of BAD BAD BAD narcissists.
Also, thanks for the likes everyone. 😊
There used to be a person who did all the above to me. I sent him out of my life 👉🏼🚪
is it weird that I live with two people who check out all those boxes?
sweetpea No! When I was crying a lot I realised that he is not a good person and that I had to leave the relationship. He is a person who suffers but does not want to be helped.
Here we are labeling. Did you notice that was a behavior which was talked about in this Ted Talk? 😏
Dude any handbook to deal with people possessing these traits? I'm struggling here
Anyone else dealing with a difficult coworker
Yes coworker...my only portion seems to be leaving my job . Easier said than done
Denis Deurbrouck sucks bro just ignore that other person that’s what I’m doing.. just go to work do your job and leave
Who isn’t?
Not just one
@@denisdeurbrouck9480 Are you sure, you don't meet such persons in your next company?
Difficult people are okay. The tricky part is dealing with people who are allowed to bully all others, and no one will say, “No”. Those of us who aren’t managers are left to receive cruel attitudes, and take responsibility for bullies’ failures, or lose a job. It’s the norm in many organizations.
Man I feel that one
And they expect people to not react or take it personally 😢sad really
You're so right. There is a lot of enabling behaviour that goes on. If you speak out you get ostracised, blamed and gaslighted by the group who will back the bully.
THANKSSSS FOR POINTING THIS OUT! HELLLOOO
@@katec9893 i was not in oragnization but rather a school research and what they said stressed me but if I will defend myself they will no one be in my side and they will put me in failure in grades
I swear I need this to deal with my whole family 🥺
I still am
Yup I’m in the same boat
Same here
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@ag49521 somehow that's paradoxical, because being religious should mean better parenting, but in many cases nah
“It’s your heart attack” this is very true
Hard to admit, but I agree
That hit me hard 😪
I think that is an understatement.
Long story short: keep the convo brief, simple, cool, calm and level headed. Only give one word answers than a full sentence. Don’t give them the benefit of the doubt. Be the bigger person and do yourself a favour and save yourself from that heartache.
Trust me when I say this it works every time. Giving them a reason to whine and complain and talk about said drama only repeats itself if you give them the time and energy to do it. When they get less of that, well, the difficulty becomes easier to manage 🙃
Basically you mean us not to be an energy source to the vampires?
Just smile and wave
@@rafaelbalekian5194 if that’s how you want to view it - sure. Essentially just don’t give your energy where it’s not needed. Keep a calm composure. People crave the attention and energy to fuel that behaviour. To prevent that don’t give it to them. :)
@@krissyk354 thank you!
@@rafaelbalekian5194 anytime 👍🏽
You can't control people's actions but you can control your reaction
I need to focus more on my own reactions. Difficult people will keep being difficult with me if I let them keep angering me. I must stop giving them exactly what they want.
@warrenbradford2597 this is what I've realized instead of focusing on all the things out of your control is far more beneficial to yourself to focus on what you can control
10:54 - The best advice - "It's much more valuable to be a friend than an enemy. If people like you, they will do business with you. If they don't like you, they will do everything in their power to usurp your success."
This only works if all people involved are reasonable. If one or more parties can't be reasoned with, then the problem continues. You can communicate until you're blue in the face, but if the other person isn't willing to communicate appropriately, then you've hit a brick wall.
Now you're labelling them as unreasonable. ;) How do we carve this label further?
Well, unfortunately we have to be realistic here. That being said, we have to remember that there are people in this world (I've met a lot of them), who only care about their own agendas. They don't care about what is best for everyone, only what satisfies their own immediate wants and needs. I'm sorry to say that I've worked with several of these types of people. Which is especially sad, because I take care of people for a living. Sadly we don't live in a perfect world, filled with perfectly selfless people.
@@benjaminwibby2490 Obviously some people are unreasonable, but you have to keep in mind that is just a label. You could try dodging topics that incite you to reason with them for one.
And to your mini rant about people in general, i completely understand as i've had to coerce with my fair share of difficult people as well. This ted talk bypasses that rant-y mindset and tries to grasp on the 1-on-1 problem itself, there is no such thing as lost causes when it comes to the human mind except for severe senility or any other disorder.
The brick wall is their force field shield.. some ppl esp narcissists hv a strong force field. Unlike me who is an empath with an abusive childhood.. didn't last long in the corporate game
The speaker is describing ONE type of hostile interaction where each person has mistakenly identified the other as a threat. It assumes there are no thieves who sabotage to get what you have, no trolls who do it for fun, and no power trippers who do it because they can. That one type of hostility that's baseless is the viceroy butterfly. People wouldn't assume he was poison if there weren't more actually poisonous monarchs.
Among other things, the most important thing I learned from this is that when our flight/fight system is activated, the way to tell your body that it isn't a real danger is to breathe. Your body knows that in real danger, you would not be able to stop and take a deep breath, so it turns it off - and basically, your brain goes back online. Why o why did I not realize this before!!!! Thank you for your talk. Great presenter, great message. :-)
I liked that too. I think this man gave a good talk.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) don't forget to thank me later...
That point was also like new light for me.
yes actually
But you sabotage your natural system by cutting the red wire.... When your system says fight or flight, choose fight for a fight..
Whenever i have to deal with difficult people, i switch on my “im not gonna talk to this person forever.” Im really good to that.
Im just a dude Pretending to be a potato h
I like the way he ends the talk by giving a clear picture of "what's in it for me".
In my experience angriness/holding grudges towards other people is a double edged sword. If you think that you punish another person by showing that person hostility, you have forgotten who is carrying the angriness on the inside.
Cannot communicate with sociopaths on any reasonable level. People who cannot empathize will never see things from your point of view. Someone who is a sociopathic master manipulator can only be dealt with by affecting what matters most to them, money. Unfortunately, office sociopaths who gaslight daily rarely get reprimanded. They have everyone else in the office convinced they are wonderful and that you are the problem. Best solution is to remove yourself from that environment.
This is absolutely not true. Even "sociopaths" have motivations and drivers. It's your job as the communicator or leader to appeal to those motivations.
You mean quit? Or sue for work place harassment?
@@SofiaLandry-ug8rc both if need be.
I know the feeling, I was married to one, psychopath, thank God I finally managed to leave with the children, they are safe now from neglect and abuse. Praise the lord
Kind of negative, but honest. And, fight back when you are strong enought. Wait for the chance to take them down by a single round.
Are you reading comments while listening?
Yes 😂😂😂
Ha! Busted! Got me. And what a waste of time to look at the comments from people who are clearly not getting the point of this spot on talk.
@@marcoleynick1014 It is not simply that way. The viewer looses concentration and starts reading comments when he is disattracted on account of stuff virtue.
Yes
Yes!
“Each of us are a difficult person for someone else” yes. love that.
I just got the notification for one of the likes and saw I had like 200... how come I didn’t get 200 notifications? Lol
Anyway thanks guys 🙃
Rudyfydisyrueh
Yup .
I read this just as he said the line
That line absolutely stood out for me as well!
I was gonna say "I'm the least difficult person ever. You're crazy"... which is exactly what a difficult person would say 🤷🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
don't let some one else's toxicity become your heart attack ... so very true.
Anyone dealing with a difficult boss one thing I learned to get them off of your back.. Even if you know how to do something ask them to help you with things they can’t say no to.. After the third or fourth time they will avoid you this has always helped me at work
This line is just amazing:
"Cause it's your heart attack and no one's behaviour should be a cause for your heart attack"
I'm dealing with a difficult parent. My father is "old school" and won't listen. He is always right. Today is Easter Sunday and we didn't even talk or hug each other. My dad doesn't know how to be vulnerable and admit he's wrong. At this point, it's easier to distance myself and let him believe he is right. It's a "painful" peace. Painful, because he is alive and we don't have a relationship. I am a good person and genuinely wanted my dad but I am learning to accept that my father will never change. It's best to keep my space. My mother is always on his side. So, I can't even talk to her either. It's very surface conversations with my parents. It sucks so much but I am learning that they put themselves in that box.
Wishing you strength sis go and live your life I'll say become indifferent to them.. truly or this gonna keep hurting you , I know easy to say but I'm in kinda same situation myself
There is a video about John Assaraf and he talks about how messed up his relationship with his dad was and how they navigated through it and now they are in a better place it may work out for you . I know it isn't easy but you will get through this 👍
“Because it’s your heart attack.” So powerful.
Once dealt with difficult people in a small company and I can say that no amount of behavioral intelligence I exercised made my time lighter or gave insights to their own behavior. I basically just gave up being nice and leaving the company was the most rewarding thing I did. On my last day, I wore a shabby sleeping t-shirt and slippers, walking around the office with my head held high.
Sometimes the only way out is to leave.
i cant wait for my turn
These things work with difficult people, but not people with real mental health issues or substance abuse behaviors.
We can't change other people's behaviour but we can change how we react
*Behavioral intelligence*
*1) Explain existing behaviors-* contemplate why someone would behave a certain way. Separate the person from the behavior- removing the label. Not what's wrong with them, but what happened to them.
*2) Predict future behaviors-* helps reduce anxiety producing uncertainty
*3) Influence other people's behaviors-* be inclusive when communicating e.g. "WE are having difficulty communicating." Also use praise and recognition when possible- gets you out of enemy zone and into friend zone
*4) Control our own behaviors-* be self-aware. Take a deep breath, count to ten. Approach with thoughtfulness.
thankyou!!
Difficult people at work place in my experience is all about jealousy, you just have to ignore them.
If you need to talk to them because that is the nature of your workplace, just be so calm and wear a cold mask.
You'd be surprised how a good punch in the nose works.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) don't forget to thank me later...
@@megkag1977 LOL, it would feel great for sure but you risk assault charges.
that's true
Yes, that "cold mask" really helps - it makes you intimidating, and the person would think twice before trying to push you around
Dealing with toxic people is a waste of your time. You simply cannot and do not want to get into the thinking of toxic people.
I totally agree with you!!
i agree, but I can't not deal with my Supervisor at work. I dont have a choice. so i have to learn how to change my internal responses and feelings, because they aren't going to change and yet i still have to find a way to survive and succeed at work
@@SteakCutFries my exact situation. We will get through it!!
Maybe someone else is saying that your behaviour is toxic
@@divinelight1800 That's a nice idea that everybody has nice parts and everybody has awful parts, but you have to admit that there are people who lie and there are people who don't lie, for example. Or people talk bad behind the backs of others and others don't do that. And that's no thing of perspective.
“…each of us is a difficult person to someone else.”
Many people, if not most, use this to excuse being difficult!
When I tell my friend:
“That’s the way he is”,
I don’t mean for them to dismiss their feelings about that person’s behavior!
'seperate out the person from his or her behavior'
not easy but worth trying. thank you!
If it’s your boss, they are not going to change. Plain and simple, YOU must change. Or go find another job. No other way
Or lawyer up.
Correct...Many a times, we have to act as per situations rather than usual stereo system...
Or you can befriend him and change him
The boss could be intimidating
He's telling you how to change the dynamic with any relationship. So if you can have a comfortable relationship with your boss instead of strictly formal, like if you feel comfortable making appropriate jokes, then you'll be more likely to be seen as valuable to your boss.
💯”Is that behavior worth my heart attack!”
I hate being around a person that tries to treat you like their servant!
I know it’s their
“unjustified sense of entitlement”,
but I hate their audacity!
I AGREE
It’s your heart attack!
Behavioural intelligence: 4 quadrants:
Explain existing behaviors
Predict future behaviors
Influence other people’s behaviors
Control our own behaviors
How do we explain behaviors?
Why did someone behave like that? Is it intrinsic?
Ask ?’s
Why
Predict: reduces uncertainty and anxiety
Influencing: inclusive language; togetherness. Reward and recognition.
Control low road: deep breath..O2; count to 10...take
Separate the person from the behaviour
Excellent comment
its helpful
@@kemchobhenchod excellent name
this made me realize that the way I have dealt with a particular difficult co-worker was probably not the best way to go about it. I'm someone who is very personable and gets along with people easily, so when a difficult person came into my workplace, I didnt know how to handle them because I've never been faced with this issue. ill be leaving my current workplace as I got an offer from a better job, but now ill go into this new environment with a different mindset. I don't need to let people give me heartache, its not good for my complexion!
Stress is the number one cause of all illness!
Wow! Even the director, and his assistant, get sarcastic! I sit there, like, i can't say anything. 🙌
Sure
It's the third one. First is the food, then environment
No it’s not. It’s absolutely the first.
@@AB-df9xf The difference is that for those two your immunity is dealing with, so you only feel the mental one. If you eat well and have a good environment you won't have stress in the first place.
Being told NO throughout growing up, finally using it now has been the best thing ever in my life!
THE ONLY thing that kept me going was my Faith! Thank you God!!!
We are living in a world where people blame others for their own transgressions
EZ RC not everyone a lot of people blame everything on them selves. Especially children who were or are abused as children they blame their parents or whoever's abusive behaviors on themseoves. They say oh I'm just a bad kid I deserve it. Psychology
I know this so well. Even if they do not have any money nor career they blame you. So tired of this!
@@lexbeard2693 EZ RC is saying that more people today do this than in the past.
@@chamboyette853 I agree. That sounds about right.
@@lexbeard2693 Unfortunately this is my impression that this is the case. My parents were not like that at all. But I find very few people in my generation (and even fewer in younger people) who are like my parents.
This puts a whole new perspective on the way I think about others actions and my reactions. I can't change people but I can change the way I think and feel. And also asking questions is another good point, very well said!
I feel as I used to be a more difficult, angry impatient person due to external stresses. It wasn't fair on my family and work colleagues.
Thank God I recognised the problem. The important point I took from this is "it's my heart attack"
I'm happier, my family are happier and I think I relate to people much better.
I don’t think you had a problem. Be you.
@@jawary8474 huh
Lack of communication is never a way to solve issues.
So True.
Some one else's bad behavior, shouldn't be your heartache..!!!
Couldn't have said it better'
Theoretically that is true .
It becomes your ache when that some one else is a person you love
Very true
i love this
I love this. My whole life, people have been insulting me and offending me and hurting my feelings with their words. Most of the time, I never said anything back because their words shook me so much. Other times, I’d stoop to their level, and I’d take it out on others.
That was pretty good. I’m dealing with difficult people in the workplace and it’s a challenge. He said you can’t change peoples behavior and I’ve heard that and although I agree I also think that on some level if for instance someone is constantly putting you down or berating you and being rude to you, you standing up for yourself can be the difference between them continuing to do it or them stopping. Bullies only respond to strength. I know a lot of this was in the workplace but I think it can be applied to any situation really. Sometimes reasoning with someone might not work.
Exactly especially at home
I completely agree!!
Not letting them disrupt you emotionally is strength. If they feel like you are being damaged by what they are saying then they will keep chipping away. If they feel like what they are doing has no effect, they may stop or at least target someone else. It is easier said than done though, our brains are so powerful that sometimes they have mind of their own!
Respect to this speaker and to the sensible folks in this thread. Glad to know you all are out there. Peace.
Thanks for the talk, I agree 100% that conflict in the workplace is costly.
In other words: « Be excellent to each other! »
Bill and Ted.
R dM *this comment needs more likes*
Too funny.
Woe dude.
ha! yep
I appreciate you for discussing such a gripping topic and admitting that you used to be a difficult person as well. It's a great treasure to be able to connect with others as a real friend and all problems solve with the clear head. Wow, it was so amazing to hear that situation, when both colleagues have problems in relationship as one was asking right questions, but other was bad listener. There was the main reason for the quarrels and misunderstanding between them. We all has strong bias and couples have the same problem which can lead into the divorce. So, the best way to deal with it, to overcome the problem and to find the ability to be successful
Very true... Thank you for enlightening us/educating us on what really matters. It is our own health and well being.
This is so true! Becoming a master of self, emotion, and reaction is key to enjoying life fully and being in control. If you do learn these skills be careful of working for people who are too controlling or authoritative because you will clash until your unhappy. People who hold grudges are the worst and definitalty prevent you from remaining your "healed self". So yes remember it's your heart attack so learn to forgive yourself, others, and find an environment where you can thrive in. Remember you control where you choose to be and there is another profession, industry, or setting where things are completely different.
Good choice of words. I noticed the speaker said, "We're getting a little passionate." As opposed to, "We're getting angry/heated/upset."
Your Positive talk and guidance towards positive approach is what each human being needs. And this is how WE all can make this world a better place!
I completely agree with Jay Johnson, because we really can't be good for everyone,there are bound to be some who don't like us. We are used to seeing the bad in other people, but we don't notice it behind us. But for good communication, you only need to look at yourself from the outside. We can't change another person, but we can make it so that we no longer feel that this person is complicated. And to do this, you just need to change yourself and your attitude to people.
This approach is predicated on the idea that everyone is able to relate to others on an equal plane. In most workplaces, there is a distinct hierarchy. Minions do not get to choose to deal as equals with bosses or higher-ups on the pecking order. And what of pernicious gossips, what are the benign interpretations of their behaviour? He is assuming good intentions where in fact they often do not exist.
Just be yourself, do your job, develop your self esteem... then you'll be respected for who you're. Nobody's appreciated 100% .
It would be unhealthy and in fact very destructive to the relationship to assume bad intentions. That was kind of the point of his whole discussion, overcoming your preconceived notion that this other person has ill-will towards you.
@@anneanne8531 Hard to be yourself if you see injustice been done to you and there is nothing you can do.
@@VelhaGuardaTricolor hard, yes I agree. It needs lots of energy, patience, tolerance... I had a narcissist boss lately, a crazy one. Dealing with him was a daily nerve-racking struggle...
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) don't forget to thank me later...
When I started using "we" instead of "you" when having a deep conversation with my ex, the response I got was still the same. That's part of why we're not together. No matter how I approached a conversation, his defense response always prevented him from hearing what I was really saying. He was also a thief, liar, and "master manipulator" and had no regret. He claimed he did but he never changed his actions or patterns to be a better person.
You made the right decision by choosing yourself over your ex who is Narcissist. They never change.
No one is worth me getting a heart attack 👍 thank you 😇🌷
Wonderful talk! I indeed have been difficult at times!! As I am now aware that it is behaviour, I take the deep breaths, focusing my thoughts to be aware of the behaviour yet I still find that they are viewing my behavior as being the issue not theirs so as I go through the sequence of remaining calm it's as if they don't like my actions and try to provoke me to react to their words and behaviour. I remain calm until I can deal with it later but they persist in trying to get me to react sometimes concluding that I must be mentally ill for not reacting to their expectations! It's head spinning, mind games. It's frustrating to encounter these people in my daily life! Thanks!
Thank you for your talk. I will use inclusive language when talking to a difficult person to avoid escalating an argument. I can totally put this to practice👍💕
Bee Ojeiks best wishes with that. Really. Their brains don’t operate the way most peoples’ do.
The talk is awesome & the various comments are outstanding. Appreciating all of the practical tips!
This is great. I had been searching for strategies and tactics I could use to rebuke pointless interactions and this video just pointed out an even better perspective to have when engaging those reactive dramatic personality types that (use to) anger me and infiltrated different parts of my life.
This tedx has gave me insight of dealing with difficult people in my life.Thank you ,Jay Johnson.
Well, I agree with those that commented about narcissists but, on to of that I got a great answer from this :"because it is my heart attack". This will help me a lot. Thanks.
I learn only in the later life to focus on myself throughout my working experience of working with difficult people at work.
I used to get really stressed out and express my annoyance and irritation working with difficult people. Now I still get annoyed but take a deep breath and tell myself focus on myself. Everyone works differently they don’t have to be what and how I wanted to be. If I don’t like it I will change it myself rather than asking them to change.
I’m the only one at work doing my job. I’m carrying the weight of the whole building while everyone else gets the credit. I don’t gossip, one up. I’m just a lot older than the rest. I’m honest, loyal and kind. I try to stay in my own space and now I’m noticing my boss is taking about everyone behind their back. Things are out of control. I can’t even reach out to our district manager because she is always on the guys side. Fed up but need the work. At least they pay good but not sure the extra money is worth me being exhausted.
This has been incredibly helpful to me! I listened to it while I was working one day, doing a boring task, and it really did sink in. I took what he said and changed a little bit to be more fitting for myself. I don't say it's my heart attack I say it's your heart attack. So when somebody pulls out in front of me and pisses me off I say nope you're not going to give me one it's your heart attack. I just find that it feels more empowering.
Also from something else I had read if you deeply inhale and exhale six times in 30 seconds it lowers your blood pressure faster than just sitting still. I wrote that on my windshield right where I could see it "6 in 30" . And you know what I used it again today and it totally helped me calm down. Hope that helps and be safe!✌💗😷
Very helpful, thank you. I will be putting it into practice in my daily life.
Iam astonished with this guy! Everytjing is relatable! I loved listening to his speech
Recently I was working with a difficult person and when I was ready to make amends and move forward. New software came into play for the business and when i offered to help the person to set me up. It was denied and I was left going to work doing nothing. I then realized why am I here, maybe this is a sign to get out. Things will not change! When I gave my two weeks notice that day, that day I was sent an email stating I was being let go of. So right choice made but a lesson was learned there and it relates to this video. God Bless us all 🥰😇
Love this talk! Thanks for posting.
The best way to deal with it:
-If they are so set on there own views then remove yourself
-Respond as formally as possible and be proud of yourself as there are probably other people out there just like you (aka: don’t let a single person(s) thought differ from yourself
-Review you self normally and from the conversation (really think about you and your influences)
-Show forms of care for the situation as more tension from the type of person wont lead to no better resolve
-(optional) try to attempt to understand there view on the situation (may flop based on sererity)
-Be proud of yourself mentally, and physically, emotionally and socially.
From here you have to figure out where you plan on going with yourself as every situation is different. Complexity differs, and situations can be very vast. One of those things you have to learn on your own or with help from someone who is willing to listen if possible.
Stay true to yourself 👍 not everyone is perfect but you can trive for greatness. Spread the word.
Thank you Pr. Sapolsky for all the research done in behaviour!
Veil lifted .. deeper realisations .. brilliant presenter . Thank you to the source .
Thank you for this one. Great message from a well spoken presenter.
People who disliked, probably don't understand how effective this conversation is!
I struggle with rude customers the most, their anger and rudeness makes me feel like it makes me feel like I'm bad at my job and my anxiety therefore makes me feel worthless. It's frustrating. But I enjoyed this Ted Talk!
Nice how he emphasized "It's your heart attack". Thank you for emphasizing that! Makes lots of sense.
A great discussion and super relevant for me the hospitality industry! Loved it all!
Love this TED talk!
Such a beautiful concept. I can only control my thoughts and actions. I will not waste my previous time, energy, and health controlling others and reading in between the lines.
Risky bubble and Benjamin wibby, thanks for your comments. This talk is really good to understand why we get stressed and how we can work things out with reasonable people. But if the person shows themselves to be unreasonable then we have to get away somehow. I once heard a psychologist say that things were better when we lived in villages because everyone knew who was what archetype and how to deal with them by the combined wisdom. Now we are on our own and there are far too many people who have not learnt to be socially part of society.
There are jealous freaks, fragile egos, self proclaimed sweet hypocrites, toxic people, stubborn egos and stereotypical ones. Being an empath for such people and trying to believe that they are the way they are because of a reason only supresses your frustration on top of all the negativity seeping in you..........no point in putting up with such people
"Because it's your heart attack" , point made.
I just choose to avoid all difficult people!
The speaker rises a very relevant topic, because every day people work, study together, communicate with each other and the aim is to do what you do and no to waste your energy and time on unnecessary stress. We're presented with different archetypes, unique approaches how to overcome this problem. The most strong recommendation, from my point of view, is that people should ask questions to explain one's behaviour. All in all, we should separate the person from behaviour.
Your speech was one of the most brilliant I have ever listened to. It caught my attention from beginning to end. That's how to deliver a speech! I love the way you Americans organize your speeches. Greetings from Italy ❤
Outstanding presentation. We live in world where most people don't do self reflection to become better so their behavior impacts us.
Goddess Yas SO TRUE!!! The majority of people we will come in contact with are SUPERFICIAL, AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH THEIR OWN EMOTIONS, SO HOW CAN THEY UNDERSTAND ANYONE ELSE??? SELFISH AND SUPERFICIAL.
Amazing! Thank you for this talk!
This guy is on point and giving some good knowledge. Most difficult people have some type of proximity to perceived power and they leverage it in their favor. Too bad people that lack morals are positioned like this.
i love how you said this about not putting blame other people. it's not always easy though dealing with difficult people. I rather not deal with toxic behaviors especially at work. I like when my job allows us to express our concerns so it didn't affect how we felt during our job performance. always important in working together in a company
I've done with clients of mine too, and it worked, it really calmed things down (some of them were actually crazy)
12:05 start here, you welcome.
Underrated comment
I believe you, I am at 9:45 , not a single thing on how to deal with difficult people.
If it’s in a romantic relationship, RUN. They WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Wish this helped with family relationships. I always seem to be different, wrong, not as good, etc. It always feels like my family members see something wrong with me and want to fix that, while I am being over sensitive, anxious and avoidant. I know that some aspects of my current situation are not great, but it hurts twice as much when family does not support and seek to blame me instead. Thank you for an intersting speech. I will consider some of these techniques for my own good. My heart can take so much. Stress causes me heert aches and high blood pressure.
Liked the way he explained with examples and how to be self aware and thoughtful.
I need to work on myself, since I have 2 difficult person at home. Seriously it's time now.
Dealing with difficult coworkers is one thing, when it’s a boss that can be toxic!
Heart attack beautifully explained and to the point 👍🏻It’s after all your life which matters, and someone’s behaviour should not make you suffer
Thank you Jay for making/ shared this video, very helpful. Good job.👌👍
Respect your co workers & your boss. Avoid being nosy & keep your pace at ace. Thank you.
This was brilliant and It is the answer that I have been searching for. I know that this is going to change my interactions with others in a profound way. Thank you!
Your Heart Attack...
Exactly...
And yet people won't care about you, instead they'll throw you under and find someone else.
It's very frustrating when you're the one working and grinding and gritting your teeth all day and theres no thank you, or no acknowledgements at the end of the night.
Im so sorry, friend. Trust me, I know. God knows I've been where you are, or what you've described. Hope your doing better! God bless you!