This is something you probably didn't know was gaslighting...
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- Опубліковано 15 тра 2021
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I just had to get to the place where I asked myself, "If they're so great, why do I always feel like shit around them?"
Great great question 😎😎
That’s the name of a book. “If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?: Recognizing and Overcoming Subtle Abuse” I have not read it yet but it sounds very good.
Me too! Why i stopped going to my buddhist org (so many narcissistic people😱😨
When someone is truly a genuine person you feel good when you think of them or even grateful that you have met them because they inspire you to become a better person even if they were of course not perfect but their imperfections didn't stop you for loving them. This is how I know someone is genuine, when you still feel good and happy about them despite their imperfection to a point where you were glad to have met them even if the relationship didn't last. But with the narcissists it is of course the opposite. When I feel sad, angry, ashamed, annoyed and irritated from the simple fact of thinking about them... red flag.
Yup - that part!
"He has always been really nice to me" Yes, because you are not In a relationship with him.
"He's so fun and charming!" Yeah, come home and see how he acts in private!
Amen to both comments 🙏
Jeeze.. Yet it goes both ways, yo.. Remember that!..
@@oneyungsir4396 What do you mean?
Exactly...my girlfriends thought he was the best thing ever. Then i told them what its really like living with him..they said" Not so and so, he's so nice and fun to be around " , told them, you dont see what i live with, he'd never show his real self. 7 yrs ago, I walked away after 26 yrs.
I lived with this type of gaslighting for decades. There was a side of my wife that was reserved for me and me only. Everyone thought she was the nicest, sweetest, most loving, kind and considerate person in the world. I decided that the only way to save my sanity was to divorce her and never make contact again. I briefly struggled with what I would tell friends and family as to why we were getting divorced after nearly 40 years. I knew no one would believe my side of the story so whenever anyone asked, I simply stated "I have my reasons" and left it at that. I knew what I had gone through and I didn't have to justify it to anyone. I'm much happier now and remarried to a truly wonderful woman.
That’s an incredibly strong thing to do, especially accepting that people, even the closest, probably won’t understand.
@@KevinRoderick Thank you. I had a very similar situation growing up. I tried to tell people the truth but they all thought I was a liar. It was very discouraging. This time I knew better. Some would believe me but most wouldn't so I put all of my energies into making a better life for myself rather than attempting to convince others of what I had experienced. It was my truth and that's all I needed
That’s awesome! I’m truly happy for you! ❤
Your wife sounds just like my mom was the best mom to my 2 sisters and the favorite aunt and everyone said how kind she was .. I just reply yeah she gets her anger out
dont already start labelling as this one is 'truly wonderful'. give it more time, and keep ur priorities uncompromised, just as she will hers.
One of the most painful things. This form of gaslighting means you're always on your own. No one believes what happens behind closed doors. It also makes you feel you are the problem, because they are so "nice" to everyone else.
They act like you are the crazy one, not the rotten narcissist.
Tape it, just the verbal. Phone in pocket or hidden.. Be very very careful.
Can be very illegal.
@@emmsue1053
@@emmsue1053Yes
I almost got killed for finally recording
Most people have no idea what a monster some can be behind closed doors.
As a young girl I begged my narc mom to treat me like she treated strangers. She was so nice in public and so cruel in private. Its awful growing up with them.
I'm sorry you experienced that 😥
Sending so much love 🙏same💙
I was never good enough for my adoptive mother . Others were held up to me as an example of how I ought to be . Eggshells were the daily obstacles. I think now she intended me to remain at home as her companion for ever . I didn't realise and got away as soon as I could. Through marriage to another narcissist who was just the same . ? I'm now 76 , and have only begun to realise ( what went on in my life ) in the last couple of years . Even my women friends are mostly the same .
I'm so grateful for these videos helping me to understand . K
@@katharinedavis4947 so proud of you. I'm glad you are able to realize things now. It feels like a release.
@@katharinedavis4947 I went no contact when I was 50, ten years of bliss so far. Its so pathetic how the train you for the next Narc and more. The pain really doesn't go away enough.
When Dr Ramami said “since most people don’t understand narcissism, they think you are the problem”- I felt that 🥺
me too!
Yes ma'am. This has helped me to never "judge" someone the first time I meet: 1) him or her and the petson has an affect seemingly incongruent with the situation (ex: not sad at a funeral;
OR
2) 2-3 people, esp. if they behave opposite of one another.
Me too, I've gone through this with many bosses in the work place, my family members and my partners. Done with it, I leave thse personality types in the dust at first sign now. Unbelievable how gullible people are. 🙄
Me too
Still happens in my family.
As a former criminal investigator, this was always a "tell tale" for a psychopath. Externally charming and manipulative and "nice", where someone very close to them - usually a female/ Wife would be too scared to tell a different story. It is a hallmark of severe Domestic Violence. It is a control mechanism that shuts off their target to any form of help or support, and they are trapped.
In your professional opinion, what is the best way to deal with them? How can one get away from their narcissistic abuser? What evidence should I be gathering were he to take it farther and I have to go with the kids?
Get help locally for sure. That could be the police or protective services, I'm not an expert but there should be someone local who can help you
Plan VERY WELL, then go. Go far, fast, and quietly. The courts nor cops will protect you.
That was me. So generous. So nice. Meanwhile beating the heck out of me. Coming home after three days partying with other women and friends and bragging about it to me. Took it because he told me he'd shoot my children and himself if I left. Finally pushed the game too far. He drew the kids into it. He'd ask them when he came home if I had been good. I realized I was going to die if I stayed and the ones I was staying for were now playing also. I never told anyone. I didn't want my kids to have to live with everyone knowing. My daughter took over the abuse in her teens. Took me until last year to completely cut ties with her. I feel much benter. Unfortunately everyone in our small area thinks I left such a nice man. I ended up the bad person in the community.
@@simon-515 Your Daughter will eventually have insight into the damage done to her during her childhood years. She is a victim too. I pray you will have the strength and wisdom to ensure that you are there to help your Daughter to thrive when she eventually faces the harm done to her through growing up in such a violent household. This is not necessarily about how you feel. This is about your continuing role as a Mother, who will do everything to ensure your Daughter does not fail by thinking she was betrayed by both her Father and her Mother. She was the child, and she is a victim too. Teach her that you will not tolerate the violence to continue in her life, and you will remove yourself from every situation that she falls back into that pattern that she grew up in. But it is up to you to demonstrate that you are capable of being a Good Mother, albeit at this late stage of your relationship.
Yes, everyone else in my extended family thought I was an ungrateful brat for running away on the regular. No one ever bothered to ask why.
Same
I HEAR You!!!! You are believed & understand why. ❤
@@kriswinters4225❤
Me too 😞
Yep😢❤
My grandmother would describe such a person "as a street angel and a house devil"
I like that.
Good one!
That's what they are called down South.
Was she Irish?
Love this
The problem is, when you're their child you don't say "I was wrong about them", you say -"there is something wrong with ME"
You are soooo right!
100% true! My father is a covert narcissist and when I was as young as 9 or 10, I was wondering what I did to make him hate me. All I wanted was love and acceptance but the mixed messages....acting very proud of me then being very cruel made me feel like l had done something to make him hate me. With therapy and insight from one of my mom's oldest friends, I have finally figured it out. A good relationship with him? Ha! I never had a snowball's chance in hell.
Then you grow up to get into relationships with them because it's what you know. Sadly, many don't know there is alternatives to this.
That’s their plan isn’t it.
Spot on
“Charming in public, abusive in private” thanks Dr Ramani
I lost count of the amount of people who have said to me ' wow I'm so surprised , he's so nice, kind and helpful '
I can’t even 😢talk about it because he’s got every one on his side.
I always hear, “ he’s the sweetest person… He’d never hurt a fly….You must have just really made him mad…he’d do anything for anyone…”
well, unless you’re his wife.
"But your mother's SO NICE!" If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that, I could retire today.
Seriously!
Or those terrible/helpful people who say “but she’s your mum!”
That’s... worse. Like they don’t realise that that’s worse.
Just tell them that everything that glitters is not gold.
Same.
Yess!! Everyone thinks my mother is amazing and I take extra time to let them know she is not! I've been in a long term relationship for a while now and I never leave him with her and he didnt even meet her till we dated for 6 months and I told him everything she's done
"narcissistic abuse shrinks us, makes us small, it makes us anxious" (10:00)
I felt that
I felt that
@@chriswyma145 I agree. Others, who were never there themselves, think of this as cynicism.
Hit home with that one...
@@chriswyma145 Oooooh I feel that. I really do. As children we have our parents to show us life and daily interactions etc ....We just went throught THIS kind of jekkel and hyde bullshit. It's so sad....I always angered and annoyed my father ...I thought it was me ...because I am emotional and empathetic and caring ...and anxious. I thought It was me to my core that was wrong somehow and angered him. Ooooh I feel a bit upset now
I was married for 22 years to a man like this. It left my head spinning. I never got a compliment. My talent was a tool my husband used to gain himself more accolades. No amount of my bending over backwards to please him was ever enough. I was exhausted, depressed and anxious. I became resentful and defensive. No matter what, he always had to win. Needless to say our divorce was heavily weighted in his favor. It took me almost a decade of therapy to rebuild healthy relationships with my children. I wasn’t blameless by any stretch, I repeated the pattern later in my life. Thanks to you Dr. Ramani, I can see it and recognize what makes me a target for these people.
Thank you Dr Ramani. It took me years to realize that narcissists come in all age groups. Master manipulators who have a charming public persona and a vicious private one. I have regained my self esteem finally!
Lol well at least it was only 23 years, i am at 42….. waiting for home to sell in process of divorce. Finally FREE almost. 🙏🏼🙌, our stories are so much the same. These men never change. I always thought it was me. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
This is one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was raised in toxic narcissism. Now I have to deal with the back blow of being the bad guy that cut out my narcissist because they are crying to others about me cutting them out. At this point, I've gotten ok with being the villain in other people's stories. Just as long as I can live my life in peace.
If you're in a relationship where you can't bring up concerns without getting put down or having the other person be dismissive or cruel then it's always a concern!
Yes. Definitely my mother. It’s so hard to share a space with her now. So I keep my distance
...
Oh fuck.
Better not say anything about it! Walk those eggshells.
@@DrHen-xd3rv I understand completely. For me, it's my dad. 😔😢 Until I can get out on my own & away from him completely, I withdraw as far as I can. It has only been recently (the past 3 1/2 months or so) that I've truly begun to recognize some of these harmful traits & actually give them a name. My dad has never been physically abusive towards me, but the emotional abuse has always been lurking in the background. Sometimes, I would rather he cuss out loud at me than to stone-wall me or ice me out (refusing to speak to or acknowledge me). I do respect him & care for him because he's my dad, but only up to a certain point. Beyond that point, I have no more respect for him. 💔 I certainly don't trust him as much as I used to. Him invalidating my feelings is very familiar to me; he told me once years ago that "No one cares {about what I have to say or how I feel}." I have never been more stunned or shocked into silence than that moment in time. 🤯 Thank you for reading my comment; did not intend for it to be this lengthy. Blessings to you. 💚🙏🏻
@@jamesbaker7112 I'm quite familiar with always "treading carefully". 😢
They think we are weak for simply wanting a healthy and loving relationship.
But they demand the same for themselves with tears, threats, abuse ...
@@RideAcrossTheRiver yup. Ever the hypocrites they will always be
@@Jae_Kiah I suspect their hypocrisy is artificial and learned. Either they're too proud to do better or too scared.
They wont ever recognize one if they had/have it. They are too busy sabotaging happiness in others. Disgruntled assholes!
Tunes Videos yes, it's almost like something split in them at a certain point in their past and instead of becoming schizophrenic they just became disgruntled assholes. I love that term, I think I'll use it.
This was me as a teenager living with my Grandma. Everyone thought I was ungrateful, but she treated me like shit! When I met my husband, he's the same person all the time! I love him so much.
Happy for you 👍😊
I'm so happy for you too!
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
This describes my mother totally. The world outside the home thinks she's so wonderful, but the minute the doors close, the mask comes off. I grew up believing something was terribly wrong with me. Now I see she's used me as her emotional garbage can.
Emotional garbage can. They do get off on dumping.
The narcissist wants you to doubt yourself. They don’t care about what is right or true.
I hate that, im really sensitive to that. 😭
Some aremuch worse
Doubt is a narcissistic persons ace card! This leads to driving your mind into overdrive and leaves the narc leading the pack. Never doubt yourself, believe in yourself and learn to stand and face the accusers
@@babss2285 agreed . But some are much worse. I've seen psychopaths and narcissists .most people won't recognize both of them
@@kirilmihaylov1934 definitely loads of people are on the scale of this. I just read the signs and walked away and distance cured some of the situation, but I chose the distance and found hobbies to fill out my time and I'm more happy now
When you said “car ride home” I had so many flashbacks. They know you are trapped in the car with them and they feel
Extra “safe” and become the most verbally cruel.
Exactly, they got you trapped in a private place. Then, as soon as the door opens, they become all happy-go-lucky again, and you're still recovering from what kind of abuse just happened.
Verbally? Went 100 mph so I'd not only listen but agree with what he said.
I hate ever going in someone else's vehicle!!! Ever!
Oh yeah, I immediately had flashbacks also - horrifying, screaming cussing, threatening events that went on for almost 2 hours and couldn’t get out, him even banging my head against the window, dumping me off in a ditch off the highway in the middle of nowhere (but of course, turning around somewhere so he could come and pick me up before the HP did and he possible get found out), taking me for a ride in the middle of winter driving like a maniac and threatening to leave me at a frozen lake
Terrifying
@@MichelleMohr-lt1wo Same here
I always drive
Safer
Yep. 4 PM mom on Christmas eve (before guests arrived) was always different than 7 PM mom. She'd go from screaming at me for grabbing the wrong utensils and being useless with dinner prep, to laughing hysterically with her pals and being all goofy. Made me really hate Christmas for 20 years of my life
Alcohol?
Not a drop.
Yeah.. I dreaded Christmas too !
@@bigred4379 Every day is Christmas for someone who actively denies their alcoholism...throw in a "gathering" of friends...any excuse.
@@Kayenne54 yes.Absolutely .
Dr. Ramani you describe perfectly the 2nd way a narcissist can isolate you from friends & family: via charm. It's a backhanded way of isolating the target victim & appears to the public as if you're the 'party pooper/debby downer' while they're the charming 'life of the party.'
At a party:
The friend: wow you husband is so kind , funny and generous, I wish I was married to someone like that.
The wife: Me too.
A logger went on social media
advertising for a lady:
Gentleman seeks congenial lady with a truck.
Please post picture of the truck.
Awsome reply.
Something very similar happened to me.
them: (adoring gaze) oh, he is so special and wonderful!
me: (inwardly) oh, honey, you don't have to live with him.
Q
"disgusted by true intimacy, closeness, emotional depth and empathy". Bingo. That's my ex.
My husband.
Yep, bingo!
Wow...the accuracy of this.
That's why I believe they're demons.
Which is so confusing to me?? Why be in relationships if they hate intimacy??
I was married to that... for years I thought I was going insane... turns out I just needed to leave, so I did.😊
I didn’t have the finances to leave the narcissist many years ago until my father passed away and left me and my sisters an inheritance. Getting away from that person was the beginning of my liberation! I was so happy I didn’t have to take any of his shiz anymore!
I really want to nominate Dr. Ramani for Sainthood because she has literally saved my sanity. God Bless, Dr. Ramani💔😖
I know, right? She has set me on the path to wellness, Sharone Wilson. And watching her videos daily is my daily medicine. Gotta take those meds every day! I remember her words and her facial expressions many times throughout the day, and they give me strength and clarity. Dr Ramani is such a breath of fresh air, a soothing rain, a glorious rainbow and a ray of sunshine! I thank God every day for sending Dr Ramani into my life so I can heal.
I would honestly like to meet her one day. She saved me.
Yaaaaasssss!!!
I agree...totally!!
Amen 🙌🙏
This hits home so much! I left my partner of 5 years of awful abuse. The final straw for me was after I’d worked 50 hours, I said I was tired and he said “we all know you’re a lazy, lying c**t!” I grabbed my bag and left. He tried to mend things by saying “you know what you’re like, you’re too sensitive”. I never went back! I lost everything, my home and he destroyed most of my belongings. But at least I’m free of that x
Good for you !! It’s a great feeling when they no longer have a hold on you , isn’t it. Have a wonderful life . Namaste
Raise the bar! Don’t fall into the same trap with the next one
So sorry you lost so much - but you are a better person and im proud of you for just leaving.
So sorry you lost the house! Should've gotten at least 50%! But great you got away.
He overplayed his hand, and that cost him.
omg that's my mom... went to lunch with her she was so amazing and loving and AT THE MOMENT we arrived at her place she acted different... and I even asked her "why is it always like this when we arrive home" .. and than it clicked it was ALWAYS like this... I was as a child even always afraid after events/holidays/family meet ups to go home... everyone always said how amazing ma mother is how loving bakes cakes helps everyone is so kind and I was always the troubled child - but she never asked me how I was really doing, never helped me with any fundamental things... it finally really clicks after being almost 30 and try to go no contact
When I confronted my ex boyfriend about this duality on his behaviors, he told me loud and clear as the most innocent explanation "well of course, it's like I'm selling them shoes, of course I'm polite and smiling at them, it's my work" he is a photographer, I thought I was loosing my mind. Thank God it last only six months. Hard ones, for sure... It's been 9 years since I broke up with him and moved away and I still remember everything. I've learned so many priceless lessons about that experience. Now I have my eyes wide open to people. Nonetheless my heart is open too. I have an amazing husband and we are the parents of the most incredible 3 year old boy we could possibly imagine. We live a life of joy, even in hard times, we are so blessed ❤
Part of the goal is to ensure that nobody who has met them believes your story.
If any of those who know you believe any lies told.....likely they were in delusions anyway. Be free of that and enjoy what you may in life.
“They are not going to believe you obviously over me- who would question what I have to say about you because I’m your mother!”
That's true ..
Most lifelong politicians today are narcissists
@@Rigoletta53 Right-wing ones, yes
The worst about this is the need of justice. You want to be believed, to show others how bad they are, but nobody listen...
This is my current situation, you can't expose them without making yourself look bad/crazy.
I'll i can do is stay silent and hope people will figure it out
@@Sarah.M98 exactly. Time will give you the justice you need.
I still wrestle with this. I still fantasize about writing to my older relatives and explaining how I was treated. I know they thought of me as difficult and/or pathetic. My narcissist sibling spread poisonous stories about me for decades, while presenting herself as concerned and loving.
The "funny" thing is when you give up to prove yourself and the truth to others. Start living your life and not giving a fuck for the narc anymore, they use to show up for themselves, people start seeing them because you're no longer the scapegoat so they go crazy and start losing their shit in front of others
One of the best feelings I ever had was seeing her lose her mind and her mask fall in front of people that once dismissed me when I try to warn them about her
@@siriasouza5264 I agree. My narc sibling finally moved to the same city as some of our other siblings, and now at least one of them is starting to understand what I went through all my life.
This brought tears to my eyes, it was my life for 25 years. Thank you for validating my experience.
My mom and sister. Lies are ok, as long as no one outside the family knows.
“The mask comes off as early as the car ride home” Spot on Dr Ramani 👍
I imagine the narc is thinking "Whew!! What a relief!! I'm so glad that the event is over so I don't have to do that foolish "nice guy" routine any more. "
Facts
I literally had a fight with my back then boyfriend cos he was soooo weird in the car when we drive home from the first meeting with his family. At the meeting he was very cute and touchy…then..over! And even blamed me for asking if everything is ok! Omg I knew it wasn’t right, but didn’t exactly know WHAT wasn’t right…. Jeeezus! Thanks for the video 🙏🏼
She would often even extend the car ride, or sit there after parking, to get additional time to yell at me before getting out and going back to a space where she had to behave. Eventually I started leaving the car as soon as it was parked, and sometimes she would still sit there for an extra hour or two just to rant at my empty seat. I didn't even realize at the time how broken that was.
@@ToyKeeper Yelling and ranting at an empty seat?!!?? That is weird
My mom was loved and beloved by a thousand people. Little did they know that she was all actress in public and a monster at home. It is amazing that I survived her.
🙏
Mine, also
Same for me. Well done for surviving, that's your strength and her weakness. Nobody would have believed how cruel and manipulative my mother could be behind closed doors. It was really highlighted at her funeral. Sooo many people there. Respectfully feeling sad for my brother and I losing our mother when in reality we had finally just been set free. I had to fight the urge to stand on a chair and yell the truth.
Mine too
It's just really crazy making and self destructive to grow up like that. Everyone is constantly praising that person while inside you're biting your tongue and forcing a smile. Every family party or function I went to I felt so awkward and uncomfortable because I felt like I had to pretend.
I had people tell me that my husband is so polite but he was awful and I knew he was awful! The people did not know him like I did. I got free from him, thank God!
Those small good moments are the ones they are using to keep us stocked and thinking twice before leaving...😢
"Wow! Your parents are so great. I wish they were my parents." "No you don't."
Yeh, I heard that too, being in the kindergarten. That sounded so weird.
Same man
I’m 37 and have met random young women come to me and tell me. Wow, you are so lucky, your Mom is so great. She is like a mother to me 😫 I used to think in my head” she’s never even been a mother to me” now I’m like “ ok keep her” lol. Not to mention she’s managed to sabotage any important milestone in my life. That’s why now, i am keeping a huge distance from her. My ex, just like her. They hated each other, it makes sense now. Recovery is coming along thanks to God 🙏🏼❤️
a former mate of mine use to ask quistions like why dont u get ur dads mates to trian u in his trade agressively and i sed because me dad dont want to to be sussfull and he started going mad like what the fuck he has no right to shout at me because i gave him a answer he dont like fuck him my famaly litualy distroyed all my frendships ive ever had if i was to have them in my life it would break up any relationship i will ever have to
@@marthamoreno1539 i for the frist time in my life was confdant doing well with alchole and sorting my life out and my mum sabotaged it just like shes done everything ellse then clames she made it better that was 3 years ago what finaly made me say fuck of to my brother i get sod all good from this relationship and a world of pain and then a year and a half later i walked out on me mum i hate them both and i do hate them my brother tryed to kill himself and i just did not care infact i thouth it was good as i enjoy telling me dad that ive thought about what would happen if he killed him self in deep in my heart i dont think i will be that botherd it would be like a nerbour u bearly know dieing i love saying that to him as i know how hurtfull it is for a parent to hear that and the calmer i am and more resionable i sound the more it hurts
I would literally beg my ex to treat me like he treated his friends... I never understood why he couldn't be the same person with me. I'm so glad I'm single
My ex-girlfriend was verbally abusive toward me directly in the face of an older woman she worshiped. The woman said, "why are you treating your man this way? WHY?" and my ex-girlfriend just stood there and seethed in embarrassment at being told off.
I begged to be treated like dogshit. Would have been an upgrade
A priest once told my mother in counseling with my father that she would treat a stranger better than her family. She cussed the priest, stormed out slamming the door. Unfortunately, my father still wanted me to "be big about it" so I would go on being the scapegoat to take the heat off of him.
But alaquapato you know the thing is that he was actually being the REAL person with you. And the man that you saw who was with his friends was a phony version of your ex. So when you say that you want that person that he is with them to be that way with you in actuality you're saying you want a liar and a fake. Now I'm not saying that he was ever right for what he did to you but either way he's an all around lying loser who isn't worth any of your time either.
@@Cubby113able I get what you're saying... crazy how these narcs know the right path, how they should act, but it's not who they are. It's kinda sad, to know people will like you if you pretend to be decent. But being decent is not in your nature. Having to put on a mask to be liked, because their true face is ugly, and they know so... pity
When I was at my most vulnerable is when he would attack me. He would blame me of something, start an argument, tell me if I left him I’d be crazy. He always told me I should be lucky to be with him & so many other women wanted him, so I should stop complaining. It was mentally draining. I felt like I was always managing his emotions. & I had no rest or peace around him.
I see it. It’s my family doing this. My late father, my brother and I think my sister. It’s so hard to accept as they’re great to so many people but to me, I’m a nightmare. It’s like a wake up call now. I need to get away from them.
He said, You are the only one that thinks I'm a monster. Everyone else thinks I'm nice. He didn't say he was nice. He said everyone else "thinks" he's nice.
My ex used to say, “ It doesn’t bother anyone else how I treat you!”
@@nettiekthomas6950 that is so painful to read. Isn’t it amazing when the truth comes out of their mouth?
@@nettiekthomas6950 Wow
Good point.
Yes. They do let a truth slip out once in a while
I had a narcissistic father who was the most charming and fun man outside of the home. I was told 100 times how lucky I was to have him as a father. He was charming, attentive, curious, polite, generous and funny; and amazed everyone he met (from wait staff at restaurants to dinner guests, to colleagues). When he got home, watch out... he was critical, mean, raging, abusive and sarcastic. Let me say that it really does a number on you.
I also made the lifelong mistake of allowing my dad to use "family" as his Trump card. When his ONLY grandson, my son, was born my new wife "called him out" and he didn't know what to do. No one had done that before. His answer??? Nothing. When he passed I found out some of the ABSURD stories he would come up with involving me: he wasn't afraid to die, he was afraid to lose control. He died friendless, alone, and my son never knew his grandfather. It's esp. sad as I worked with and knew well ALL my four grandparents on their farms. So so sad.
What’s wrong with sarcasm?
@@mdtisthebest6249 sarcasm, when used to belittle and demoralize someone, but brushed off as “it was just a joke, don’t take things so seriously.” Is a form of psychological abuse/harassment. It puts in the mind of the person being joked about that that “insult” just thrown at them didn’t really happen and they’re just overthinking, or imagining it, or they’re too sensitive.. when really.. that comment could’ve been something incredibly personal and harmful and the other person plays it off as “a joke” to negate responsibility or show any form of empathy or compassion. It’s a form of manipulation, similar to a back-handed compliment. It’s the intention behind it that can be the most damaging..
Sarcasm can be very entertaining, but should never be used to cut a person down and demoralize them. It’s not about being “too sensitive” it’s about losing a sense of trust in that person to respect you and take you seriously.
@@AliceRose413 I equate sarcasm with ironic humor, not cutting another person down. I think we have very different definitions of it.
@@mellio9077 there’s different types and usages of sarcasm, most people are just more acclimated to certain types.
Dr Ramani, you just explained my father and my childhood. I had no idea what was wrong with him, he was very violent too. It was my learning about NPD over the past 12 months that I could finally see him for who he really was. He recently died. I'm executor of the will in which he took punitive action against me and my brother. It took 20 years for my husband to see what dad was really like. People always tell me how cool my dad is. So kind. Such good manners etc etc. It wasn't until Dad (89) came to live with us that my husband experienced Dad's gaslighting and violence etc. Now my husband believes me and the stories I've told him about my childhood. It wasn't that he didn't believe me... it was all just a bit far-fetched... but now he sees it... and knows I wasn't exaggerating my stories of childhood.
Gaslighting is everywhere and the most insidious part is that it is often disguised as "help" done "for your own good".
"Don't cry! There's no reason to cry! Think about how fortunate you are of having such wonderful family! Others are not as fortunate as you!"
**omitting upsetting information "so you don't get upset"**
"Smile! It's not that bad! Look at the bright side! At least *insert worse scenario here*"
Infront of people he is Mr charming, Strangers tells me you have a nice quiet Man.People will never believe how he his when we are alone.I once tried to tell my mum she said iam always a Drama queen and i Was a difficult child now i understand because she is also Narc.
a Narc Mum and a narc husband here too. I left my marriage after 31 yrs. Learn how to not care what others say or think.(even when you know they are talking behind your back). Listen to Dr. Ramani, read comments on this site, and please be kind and patient with yourself. Expect anger, resentment, pain, confusion, guilt, sadness and over thinking. Your feelings matter. Just NEVER share them with the narcs because they love the chance to invalidate and blame you!!. Most importantly, remember IT IS NOT YOU.
Same here. I’ve been labeled by my own family as mentally unstable and someone who plays the victim. Don’t believe it! You’ve been pushed and picked on. Get support where u can and be brave. You have love here in this community.
@@kimberlys.7097 Thanks kimberly.Mentally unstable are my sis words towards me.Lots of Love too
@@lindabell6954 Thanks Linda for lovely words..😍
You’ve just explained my situation!,, to a T !
Lord, please protect this woman at all cost! Thank you for coming into my life Dr. Ramani 🖤🤗🙏🏾
Dr.Ramani is a treasure .
Indeed - lets hope she gets rewarded in her own life. Not many in this world would be putting free education videos out on daily basis for years to help us Victims when our own may have turn their backs on us. I have tuned into daily Videos since last Autumn and have learnt so much on both my Narcissistic parents and siblings. I can now look forward and know what I have to do to protect myself. Thank You Dr Ramani.
@@suhailmohmed661 absolutely!!!! She deserves ALL her flowers now! She is our daily dose of mental and emotional sanity. For free!!!!
We love and celebrate you Dr. Ramani
🙏 !
Yes Lord please. We need her. Thank you.
I so needed to hear this today. I broke everything off a few days ago and this was a great reminder.
Stay strong and don't go back to them, please!! ❤
My mum was always so nice to me when other people were there - and was revered by our community
My mother's stories about me could change on a dime. The closer in to family the people were, the nastier the stories. Total strangers at the bus stop would be convinced she was the proudest mother ever of this "perfect daughter". But my brother, to this day, still believes half the horrible things she said about me. She tainted every relationship I ever had.
I am so tired of this cycle....they will take everything out on you and make it seem like it's all your fault when you stand up for yourself or set boundaries😡
This is so true. Exactly what I'm dealing with now. Going through a nasty divorce. I am no longer going to put up with this. So that's making him even more mad and more crazy towards me. It's exhausting and overwhelming. Ready to be free and have this divorce finalized!
They get worse.
Absolute silence is the only way
I pray for your divorce to come thru
Gave my opinion and my husband hasn’t spoken to me for over a week only to say that he has nothing to say to me and isn’t interested in hearing what I’ve got to say. I feel like I’m going insane it’s torturous being ignored.
narcissists will also project their behavior... if they see YOU being kind, polite, etc. they will accuse you of putting on a show, being fake, etc.
Yes 🙌🏾 he would get angry if I smiled or be happy. Asking me what am I smiling at and then get angry. And he would say “I don’t need to know anyways. All you gonna do is lie”. As if I lied about things and he was the one who lied about everything. I haven’t. Yes. He did accuse me for putting on a show and say “I know who you are “. Like he was looking for me to mess up and argue etc. Couldn’t be nice to him without him over thinking if it was fake or not.
Totally. It's amazing to see how they blame their partner for exactly what they are.
Thank you,
I thought this was mine. and this is happening because of me
This passive aggressive approach to '''self edified cloning''' is a form of usurping I call Overhead Projector Syndrome,a self explanatory term I coined to describe the process of how the person(s) with manipulative tendencies due to their disorder(s) will elect,deflect,project & reflect themselves in a reversed fashion so uninformed views notice & believe it! Empaths are especially vulnerable to such a problem.
@@yokotsuno3940 True!
The car ride home… exactly right! A decade at the same church… my ex would go to sing before service, then not hear a word from the pastor, often she’d start fighting about Exactly what the pastor preached about, ‘no fear of future, etc’ and then she’d scream at me all the way home about everything she just ignored the pastor preach about.
My son was suicidal by High School. 😢 He’s still healing.
As a fellow therapist, one of the best descriptions of this terrible personality disorder, well done Dr. Ramani….
One of the hardest parts of leaving this type of relationship is trying to convince others what you've been through when you doubt so much yourself. It's incredibly lonely. If you manage to find anyone at all that believes you, hold onto them! ❤
A strong support system helps with this. Good friends and supportive family will believe you immediately
U hv all of us!!!
@@mariacafetherapy Thank You! That's so kind of you. And you're so right. We do have each other. ❤
@@MoeSoNatural this is true. Unfortunately, I lost much of that in the process. But I've not given up!
@@meems-ke1eb same: lost most of my support network when I left (some abandoned me right out of the gate, within days of me fleeing home!) but I have not given up, am not going to ever give up on myself. It's been a lonely journey at times and I have had to rely primarily on myself and trust in myself. There *are* good people out there who 'get it'; they aren't many, but thankfully I've got a few now in my corner. Please believe in your own worth - that you don't deserve to live with abuse - and stay strong, stay the course. It's worth it!
Everyone loves my ex husband and my mother. ❤️ I wish they treated me kindly like the treated everyone else.
Same
Ditto
It is unfortunate that the one who loves them the most becomes mental or emotional or physical punching bag. Their needs outway everyone elses.
My ex did exactly that, and everyone Everyone in my day to day life truly turned there backs on me and instead brought in the ex to comfort him. Some even told him I was likely a narcissist and he should begin no contact
Yes!
A different person at home than with others. Tricksters. Exactly. Thank you.
Facts! At any kind of work event for my husband, he was always very charming and attentive. I asked if he could treat me like that at home not just at functions. I ended up leaving him.
You do so many people and amazing service Dr. Ramani❤
I don’t know if Dr. Ramani truly knows how valuable she is. Her videos have helped me out of a dark place. Im forever grateful.
So true ❤️ so grateful to her ❤️ I had such a hard time forgiving myself for taking my ex colleague's bait and lashing hard out on her; calling her out on being narcissistic and trying to decide over us at work in a messenger chat after she told me not to proofread and correct her spelling errors though she is almost illeterate, I know it was so not a smart move (I knew that as soon as I cooled down) and sure enough she squealed to our boss. But I have forgiven myself, all if it was most likely planned, getting my boss to take me off exciting tasks (I suspect) and then bashed me for the tasks I still performed, partially responsible for SoMe and proofreading posts to remove typos, she knew she'd hit me there. She almost got fired too though but we got a warning and both stayed; I was happy to be fired to be fired due to financial difficulties due to Corona - I thought it would be easier to look ahead after that but I still haunted myself for letting her upset me until I saw in Dr. Ramani's videos that my response to her baiting was natural and that helped me move on and still decide to become better at grey rocking, I sm still learning but confident I'll learn it better and better 😍
She’s so lovely
Totally agree she is amazing 🙏🏻💙
Me as well, I finally found the answers I needed for my validation and understanding of what, why, and how this happened to me.
I’m not out of this dark place, but because of people like her; I understand and recognize what’s going on
“They get exhausted so fast that the Masks 🎭 comes off as early as the car ride home” this hit me
The mental whiplash is nauseating!
Whiplash is a good description. My husband can turn it off as he steps out of the car to pump gas and immediately back tto it as soon as he gets back in and closes the door
The Narcissist im married to will straight up gaslight me before entering into a public place like a restaurant or a grocery store etc... then when my response to the person assisting me isnt met with a smile and upbeat as i usually am he will then when we are alone tell me that i have a problem and an attitude and im the one with a problem because i cant control my emotions and was a bitch...which is totally not me.he does this on purpose to make himself feel good about himself .he does everything Dr . Is speaking of here 😔
Yes! It was great time, a special day. Then here comes the not good enough and bashing.
This is a major one. He would always bait me for a fight in the car ride home. I would try to not engage and then he'd act out. Id always drive because he would get drunk, and he would mess around with the controls, try to cover my eyes, crack a beer. It was a nightmare, and i stopped suggesting we go out because after every night out there'd be an awful tension and eventually a fight.
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
Okay, a lot of this just sounds like an attempt at self preservation after extensive narc abuse.
Dr. Ramini has been over this.
Starting to take care of ones self because they have been put down about their appearance, finding a show they want to watch on their phone because the family TV has been taken over, deciding not to have seggs after years of being discarded directly after the act. Relaxing instead of cleaning everything twice, after being criticized for decades that the house is a mess. Going grey rock, instead of participating in the gaslight.
That could also be identified as growth. Much like a plant, and for many good reasons, some cannot just leave.
Seeing this incredibly long post, feels familiar, but is not a particular example of a person being the narc, rather growth and resistance against it. Just a thought. And again, Dr. Ramini has a great video about this as well. Have a good day.
Could you summarize, can you summarize?!
God bless you Dr. Ramani for enlightening so many who are or were married to a two-faced narcissistic abuser as you discuss today.
It truly feels like you’re living in the twilight zone with them. RUN!
I told that to my kids, my life was for naught. I was a pawn in the twilight zone.
...But quietly....
No kidding. Sometimes the gaslighter/narcissist doesn’t even have to say anything, they can just block you from social media and turn their shitty behavior on you as if you deserved their shitty treatment.
And if you retaliate or call them out, then they try to make it look like they’re the victim and you’re the abuser. Avoid these people like the plague.
the ex never missed an episode of the twilight zone...and yes my story really happened.....
Dont you love the way they get you so confused and upset then they tell you "see your the problem I think you need aome help"
I suffered Coersive Control also from him, I would just get the look from him and knew the car ride home was going to be hell......Absolute crazy making
My sister gave me the perfect basic definition of gaslighting. “What you thought you saw you did not see.”
Sounds like the government!
Men In Black, nice! 😎
My mother actually said to me once, "Are you going to believe what you see or what I tell you?"
WTH?? 😂😢😅
Mine just says it didn't happen. That the facts are clear. When, where what time, where are your facts. His view is always fact
Vow that's one side of narcissism easily overlooked
Our teenage daughter described it to our therapist as living with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and we usually got the bad Mr. Hyde. Such insight from someone so young.
You are so facially expressive. So am I. Thank you for your authenticity.
Almost in tears cause this perfectly describes my marriage. After 17 years of abuse, it’s coming to an end, finally.
I lasted 14 years. Ended 10 years ago. It’s been a difficult road. But we’re better off then we would have been if I’d stayed. A person I trust told me I needed to stop worrying about people believing him because the people who truly mattered knew the truth. Counseling was very helpful. I wish you the best.
Same! 21 years of pure hell…
stay strong l lived that life too it takes time to heal but you will good luck in your happy carefree future
Congratulations! 🙏
Same! 11 years xo
Or how bout, “ I don’t have these problems with anyone but you!” Because he is putting on his charm mask for everyone else, then comes home and snaps on a pin drop.
Oh this! Exactly! We live with my mother-in-law and for two decades she has caused conflict and pain in the house, but we are the source of the problem because when she was studying she never had problems with other students and when she was working she always got along with colleagues. So five people in the house are terrible people who are impossible to live with, but she is normal and lashing out at us because we are so bad. She's always sweet to former colleagues and distant relatives. I've even heard a person say they envy me for having such a "normal" mother-in-law. If they only knew ...
"Everybody hates you, you have no friends"... Could the person who said Will you... Then said I do.... Say anything meaner?
@@thatsalt1560 so she says, my maglinant mom would go berserk if she couldn't get a hold of me on the phone, now I'm thinking she had few others to call ...
Mom used to say exactly that to me, & when i went to work for her at her office, it was clear that the whole office felt the same way i did. This somehow made me feel better. I stood up to her there for one of the first times in my life, when i was finally out on my own. She had one desk where she picked on the poor gal incessantly, until she quit. Then, i was asked to sit there. I said, "No way. I just watched what happened, & how you picked on her, & i've already heard enough criticism. I quit." And i walked out.
Yup! They never accept accountability for the behavior that they do
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Additionally, If you ever suspect your partner is cheating on you give it a try and remotely access their phone. I had to follow my instincts and get in touch with this private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com who gave me unrestricted access my partner device.
AS A FORMER WORKER IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING, I AM SO SORRY SHE TRIED TO SET YOU UP AS IF YOU BEAT HER, RATHER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I'm glad that you "took out the trash."
I used to work as an in-home caretaker. One elderly woman provoked & provoked... almost like she hoped I'd hurt her & ruin my life. No dice.
I am currently living this "hell on earth"! It's crushing. - ACD
After my mom died, I about went crazy listening to everyone tell me what a wonderful mom I had, how lucky I was to have been raised by such an amazing person, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person.
Same here. To this day I hear it from some of my siblings about what a great family and mother we had. With 4 brothers and 2 sisters and all of them having psyche / emotional / social skill issues of one sort or another ... knowing how profoundly cruel and emotionally / empathically desolate my mother was .. I understand precisely why most of my siblings are toxic but not necessarily narcissists .. though they could be I don’t know .. but I have to maintain a distance from them to actually feel peace inside
Yep , me too, I couldn't believe the gushing comments and anecdotes at her funeral, my oldest son was there and he even laughed out loud at some nonsense being spouted.
Yeah, I'm fully expecting all of that when my father dies and have started trying to plan on how I'm going to approach it. In advance, I've been selectively telling those closest to me what my truth is, so that they at least know not to gush on me about him, whether they believe me or not - I'm preparing people for how I want to be treated when he dies - or at least preparing myself. We'll see.
Same
My sisters and I prepared a comedy tribute to our narc dad for his funeral. Telling funny childhood tales, things he was known to do like locking the house down when he went to bed without looking on the porch, locking us outside on a hot evening etc. We avoided the fake stuff, paid tribute to quirks, and laughed a bit. M sure some relatives were puzzled but hey we honored the man who did feed and clothe us. Mum the covert narc will be even harder to do, because the out of home persona is kindness. In home was cruel.
Growing up, I remember my mom getting up from the dinner table to answer the phone after berating us, and turning on the syrup faucet when talking to her customers, and my little brother innocently asking "why can't she talk to US like that?"
The "syrup faucet". Love it. Such a perfect description. Sorry you had to live through that. I did too.
The "phone voice" killed me. This fake nice BS. I can't stand when people switch into those voices. It sounds like some repetative robot crap that comes out of a string-pull doll.
I used to call it her "radio voice" because DJs always sound so "up"
Same!
That's so awful. I want to go back in time and hug you and your brother like you deserved. I'm so sorry
This channel helped save me from narcissistic abuse in a 4 year relationship. I am 23 now, and feel so fortunate to have gotten out before missing out on the best years of my life. Thank you so much.
Dear Dr,
You have brought tears to my eyes…thank you for reminding us that we were NEVER the problem.
"Listen to them" - 100% agree. As someone with a narcissistic mother, I've seen firsthand how they can whip off their mask of warmth and sincerity faster than an uncomfortable bra once you're alone with them; but it's only when they're alone with you, so it's devastating how hard it is to convince anyone of their narcissism and it makes you look extremely petty whenever you try.
Yes exactly.Only when my mother was ALONE with me.
That's a weird comparison but I agree!
@@TheMal89 If you wear bras, you know lol.
Totally relate
You are 100% spot-on
I once commented to my husband (now ex) that he treated his co-workers and total strangers better than he treated us (myself and two kids). He responded, “Well yes, of course.”
Because they know where they’re bad behavior won’t fly, so they act right. And then they know where they can get away w it. That’s how my grandma is. She’d be verbally abusive when we were alone but amongst church friends she’d be so sweet. Once when i was little she called me sweetheart and i go ‘what does that mean?! That’s not usually what you call us grandma! You usually call me the b word!’ Lmao she was so mad.
Once my ex’s secret, sexual life of 20 years was revealed (sex addict/porn addict- multiple affairs, prostitution, porn booths, etc…), he actually had the audacity to say to me, “Maybe I should treat my wife as well as I treat my girlfriends?” You think?
I'm glad he is an ex.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 This is just unfathomable. ☹️
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 how did u get free, please, similar situation..😰😭
I really appreciate when you said that gaslighting is also what happens when people outside the relationship deny your reality. That is the most frequent type of gaslighting that I have experienced.
My sister! Dumps her rage on people and then when her anxiety has gone and she feels better, butter would not melt in her mouth. She's completely charming.
When I divorced my ex, everyone was so surprised. Most of our friends saying, “we thought you guys had the perfect marriage.” Behind closed doors is so true!!
Exactly! I heard almost the same thing!
Same
I even had family members take his side because they thought I was so lucky. I've had the joy of being married to 2 of them. I've gotten counseling, but still don't trust my choices when it comes to dating.
Living this right now. Everyone is in complete shock. We were the envy of so many.
@@susie5101unfortunately, me too.
I have NEVER heard gaslighting and narcissistic personality explained so very concisely and precisely. I wish I had resources like this in my 20s and 30s.
Ya manipulation and deception detection should be taught in school. But since it's govt funded, they obviously can't expose themselves like that.
@@zarahsgarden2097 Oh that is the silliest thing I ever heard....If you are raised by healthy parents with strong foundation and common sense this doesn't have to be taught. C'mon! and don't try to put the blame on the government to not have it taught in schools. Ya kidding?
@joane.3533 um just cuz you're raised with good parent doesn't mean they teach you about gaslighting or narcissism... my mom always taught me being truthful is very important and I was very naive for way too long (until I unwittingly became close friends with a sociopath)
Also no, I'm not kidding, Public schools are govt run. The govt is full of corruption and they gaslight and manipulate reglarly.. if they taught us how to discern it from a young age they would be in big trouble
@@joane.3533 You said it: "IF".
@@zarahsgarden2097 Totally agree. It should be part of a required mental health curriculum.
I'm a woman who made a temporary move intoy moms space which took sooo much longer than the plan.
However I was finally able to see what I have ignored ALL my life. Only recognizable after a 5 marriage.
The win is I'm healing from the disappointment from my mom and forgave myself a few yrs back for staying in a marriage past its expiration date ❤
#SELFLOVE AND RESPECT NOW😊
I put myself through school as an in-home caregiver and they gave us a short version of this. Caregivers would be upset because the sweet old lady they knew had a family that never visited and wanted nothing to do with our client.
Administration pointed out that the face that person should us was what they showed the public, and what the family was subjected to may have been something totally different.
These days, when I hear someone say, "You're so lucky!" I hear alarm bells.
The face of the chameleon didn't change when we got home. It was IMMEDIATELY when the door shut after we got in the car. It was amazing. I'm adding this, because I want others to know that it really is true how quickly they can change. You are not imagining things.
Same
It shows that they are fully aware of what they do. The fact that a person can knowingly behave that way and live with him or herself just fine is a scary thought. How disgusting. I have the deepest sympathy for anyone who is truly trapped in a situation with a person like this, especially a child.
@@notaclue822 I was in that position 20 years ago. I would hear how everyone would praise my mother, while I was absolutely terrified of her to the point I gritted my teeth every night due to the severe anxiety.
Everyone called me a monster when I was relieved and relaxed at het funeral, instead of bawling my eyes out.
@@notaclue822 When I was young, I figure that my mother really did not understand how she was. As I reached adult age, I really noticed her two faces and although I did not know about narcissists, I could plainly see that SHE KNEW how to behave properly but in private chose not to do so.
And that is the truth. He asked me one time while he was driving if I had any change. I told him I had a lot of pennies. He started driving real fast and he had changed just that quick to something evil.
''it's why that mask comes off as soon as the car ride home'' that one hit so close to home
Same! 🥺
Ikr
My stepfather would adjust the rear view mirror so he could stare at me.
My entire childhood with my mom... When people disappeared, so did her charm mostly. I got the emotional abuse instead or when she lashed out because she was upset. She was codependent on her own child. And when she decided to get codependent on a bigger narcissist, i got sacrificed along with my fiance too. Only, everyone saw his abuse. They saw her being abused. And she wanted to be abused. She kept going back. And she didnt stop him from threatening our lives. She joined in and helped assault my fiance. Thats just not how a person with maternal instincts act. Ive showed more empathy for my ESA animal than shes shown me my whole life.
Omg. You’re explaining my childhood and my mother!!! I would be so confused because she would shift the mood of the house as soon as no outsiders were around. I expended so much energy trying to figure out what we kids were doing wrong. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I began to realize nothing we ever did would be the right thing, unless it was the golden child. He could do no wrong.
When I divorced my wife of 25 years, I wrote in a notebook all the head games an double dealing behaviors I'd had to deal with at her hands.
I knew no one else would believe what this marriage had been like, so it wasn't for others.
I knew, as time passed, and wounds healed, I would not remember just how bad it was - only that it had been bad. But I would start to question if I had misconstrued what the situation had really been - just as she would seek to get me to do when we were together.
I was right - that's exactly how it went. This notebook has been a godsend in helping me heal, and move on, rather than start to wonder if I had done her wrong.
What a great idea. I always look at the past with Rose colored glasses!
@@emilye.7478 Yeah, me too. I always give others the benefit of thinking the best about them. That's how my ex got away with what she did for as long as she did. She always used my most decent qualities against me.
I always wonder, "How did she become so skilled and gifted at misusing and manipulating everyone in her life? How could she continuously use and abuse everyone she came in contact with, and remain so unmoved and indifferent to the results of her behavior, and the pain and harm she caused? She's a user, a taker, posing as a poor victim. And she's SO GOOD AT IT!!! A natural born cannibal. A predator specializing in preying on other human beings.
My journal helped me identify patterns of behavior. A total God-send.
Everything you said applies to my experiences as well. Journaling has been very helpful in many aspects of my life
I did this, too. It’s been helpful when I start to forget. 💗
We called my mother "House devil, street angel." She was a covert narc, soft, sweet, and meek to strangers, and abusive to her family.
My mother to a T! Such a victim to the world, but a warrior behind closed doors
I'm sorry 😞
34 YEARS of marriage of me and our two children watching my wife do this very thing. I call the emotional whiplash the Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde syndrome. She moved out 16 months ago and my nerves have finally started to straighten out. Thank you. Dr. Ramani.
I have had many a nasty ride home after a family gathering, holiday, church, or office party after watching a sickening display of oozing and gushing kindness and fake compassion. I now dread the ride home because I know the trash talk is coming and the berating. I am incapable of not calling my narcissist out for it now. I have told her I’m not putting up with it anymore. Now I get extended periods of silence. That is fine with me. I enjoy the peace and quiet.
Outside the house my ex monster charmed everyone, cut the grass for the elderly neighbor, went to the store for people ( he told me to go by myself when I needed to go the hospital) and was just so “nice” to everyone.
As soon as we got in the car he would change, gave me the silent treatment or would pull me apart. To see someone change so much is unnerving to say the least.
People would say “He is such a great guy.” I’d be dying inside. Eventually I’d say “No, he’s not.”
It was amazing how many people told me they could tell he was nasty.
Away from him now and trying to get well.
‘conflict reveals character’
me too, great post!
Sounds just like my ex!
But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And, as I try to make my way to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
My ex was JUST like this..he was a charming "saint" of a man. My family loved him....till my mom moved in with us! Lol.
Charming outside, cruel at home.
I thought I was losing my mind.
I had so many questions.
Thanks for all you do Dr Ramani. Knowledge indeed is power.
Exactly... I thought it was always my fault...
I thought I was going crazy also!
It is their insanity with us wearing how they feel and are the biggest traumatising periods in my life. They can smile lovingly with an arm around you and a knife in your back leaning over to whisper " you filthy slut" and everyone says 'how sweet' then as a topper "look at her this is what I have to put up with, never smiles" then people asking me to be more considerate of the maniac!!
Yes know that
My dad was like this…and consequently a couple of my partners. My last partner being the most difficult person I’ve ever known aside from my parents…
Thank you for sharing, you described my family upbringing perfectly 👍
It’s so hard having parents/family that are narcissistic! The only way to live in harmony is to avoid them, but that’s not always possible 🤦🏻♂️.
I used to say "Wow! You put on a hell of a show tonight!" He would get SO MAD and I'd laugh and say, "But I SEE you, phony."
@ Kat Fox So what happened? You used past tense. Sounds like you handled it but I'm assuming you finally had enough?
😆😆😆
Yes, what ended up happening? It's great you were able to call him out like that and be safe. You didn't get 'punished' in some way for that?
@@daliakm178 projecting much 😵💫😵💫
@@daliakm178 Hello Dalia, It seems he never considered the thought that you are a fine woman, even though he married you, also that he never considered himself to be the one causing you to be how he saw you.
When my son was three he used to lock the door when my husband came home. Then lay in front of it yelling, “I don’t like you daddy, go away!” It broke my heart, now I know he knew in his gut who his father really was.
Dear Survivor Mom, my younger son told me "I can't live with Dad." He hasn't lived with us for many years. And now, he no longer communicates with his Dad. He went No Contact. Neither of us knew at the time about NPD, but my son knew in his gut that he couldn't live with his father, and he left.
I'm so sorry for you both. That's awful.
@@therabbithat The awful part is being gaslighted for 32+ years and believing there is something wrong with your sanity, being constantly depressed, going through the motions of living, yet not feeling alive. When I discovered the cheating, a veil came off. My mind woke up and became an obsessed detective. It was then I sought answers. I read a book on emotional abuse and my tears began to flow when I was awakened by the description of a narcissist. The description fit my husband, the father of my ten children. I wasn’t crazy. I just wish I had known of this condition long ago...
I am three years free today of living with him!🥳 🍾💪
My 8 year son would beg me to take him and his sister away. He would say he wished his dad was never born so I would've met a nicer man to be their dad. He thanked me once we were living in a DV shelter 😭
I did something similar as a child. I hope it helps to know that having a kind and loving mum makes all the difference.
It’s easy to be nice to people you won’t see much for 10 minutes. My mom always said strangers thought my dad was charming.
If you can’t even fake be nice for two minutes you’ve REALLY got issues…
Yes. My mother was like that. Everyone thought she was awesome, and she did do awesome things for people, but at home she was a controlling, critical, unfeeling person with her kids and my father.