What is "baiting"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- Опубліковано 8 кві 2020
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One of the last things I told my Narc before we separated was, “the reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not.”
I came to the conclusion that is the way my former "friend" treated me as appalling as she did, whilst at the same time not wanting to leave me alone. I think it's a common thing with them. It makes me sick that I did not walk away from all this abuse sooner.
Wow
Yes!!! Bingo!!!
Yep 100%
Truth is....doesn't matter what you said to them...because there was no one home inside to hear you. Walk away n dont look back. You can write in your journal what u need to say.
They will accuse you of what they are guilty of.
Keith Bugden
Years ago, before I was aware of narcissistic behavior, the narcissist in my life accused me of “having an addictive personality“, where in a very serious tone he kept telling me that I need to be careful about what I do “because I had no boundaries and would overdo whatever negative practices I decided to engage in.”
Turns out he was talking about HIS DAMN SELF! Turns out that he was making large purchases without consulting his wife, turns out he was gambling a lot, turns out he was cheating on his wife too! Multiple times.
The very thing that he was guilty of, he projected onto me. I worried about that concept for a long time and then I had to tell myself that it just wasn’t true. All that anguish and waste of emotion that I spent because I thought he was a dear friend who was trying to help me be a better person. Now I know the truth.
Keith Bugden so true
ladyiola
I hear you,
Being put through the emotional wringer is a terrible experience. All that time being misled and trusting the liar while ignoring our internal alarms sounding. Denying our feelings, anger, sadness. The deliberate betrayal and deceit. The ongoing emotional manipulation, being strung along blindly. All the time and effort we expended for wasted precious time and energy. Brutal eye opening lessons not to tangle with a toxic narcissist. Consumed by anger, left with bitter regret and tears. We deserve so much more, so much better. We’ve experienced the worst the best is yet to come! They have paved the way to prepare us for better, be open to receive 👍💝😎
Yes! Stop when they accuse/insult/attack and ask yourself how are they guilty of that.
This Keith says it all. If I could give it more likes I would . But IMHO you captured them in a nutshell
This woman is raising me better than my parents are my life has changed so much since I started watching
I want her to be my mom lol I say it all the time #mommyissues
Amen I've learned so much in like, 6 videos!💖🙏
I just said the other day, I wish Ramani and her info were widely available to me in the 2000s. I would like to believe I would have seen the red flags
Agreed!! Its like we’re all born into old fashion minded people who need to grow up and mature and get with society’s growth they just lack working on themselves/excuses
I am rooting for you! It takes a lot to overcome the power your parents have over you since they are supposed to be your guardians. I have my own experiences to relate with you. You are doing what you need to for yourself! I sense you are young. You have autonomy! You belong to nobody, even your parents. I wish there was a way to help get you out of that situation, but use these videos to help keep your mind straight until you can escape it. 🔥❤️🔥
“Exploiting your vulnerabilities instead of protecting them.” This explanation helps make it clear for me. Thank you. 🙏🏻
Yes....perfect explanation xx
Yes agreed. My mom would listen to my troubles with my peers then bring up what a bad friend I was in detail- using what she’d learned when she was “sympathetically” hearing me out. She was just gaining intel to hurt me. 🤦🏻♀️
Brings Me to Tears in My Heart...Mind Boggled
You explain so well how this being are! It took me 20 years to realise all this the damage this people leave is enormous and only few people believe you even with proves of all the horrible things they do 😢😢😢
Wow, spot on!
You’ll also often see a sadistic smirk on their face once you react. These are sick individuals
I noticed that people who smirk have a many narc traits.
Yes! my brother from across the country came to visit a few years ago. Now as I am almost divorced, he mentioned that snark smirk look my X would unknowingly convey, and I was so used to that look that i forgot that was a significant thing until my brother pointed that out. Creepy.
Interesting. I remember this weird look in the narcissist that I came across once, eyes.. Hard to describe... as if there was nothing there, or some weird mixture of cold, anger, nothingness, emptiness, disdain... also something REALLY looking for something to find to hang onto. I don't give reactions for bullshit and acting out, and I love to observe how human minds work, so he grew rapidly frustrated with me (or so i I conclude now).
However, out of extreme curiosity, I'd love to go back in time and pause that look and just keep staring at it to analyze it. As nasty and creepy as it is, it is also fascinating when your curious.
Ahhh. THAT'S what that was.
Yes I remember seeing that they seem to hate you. What was wrong with me that lead me to a narc?
Not giving the Narcissist what they want is one of the most enjoyable and powerful gifts we can give ourselves.
I had a lady younger than (me) she walked into my church and I fell for it every time.I feel like the devil walked into my church in the form of a woman and she went to the pastor and told him all of this stuff and I was pulled into his office and she already painted me the villain with him and there was zero I could say to prove that I was innocent.that is when I realized to have zero contact at church and in the city.I FELT SO ALONE AND EVERY PERSON STOPPED TREATING ME HOW THEY WERE,and started agreeing with her!then I realized that I would never cave in no matter how I was being treated because eventually she would be caught in a lie.I FELT SO ALONE BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON THAT ACTUALLY CARED AND HE DID THAT RIGHT THING.then another person older than me came to me and said everything that this lady/devil was doing to her that saved my life literally and a while after another older lady came to me and I new that these two people were going through what I was.it was around that time this devil got married and stopped coming to church all together.I WANTED TO YELL TO EVERYONE THAT BELIEVED I WAS THE VILLAIN THAT TWO OTHERS CAME FORWARD AND THAT SAVED MY LIFE!!!!now the very last Sunday she was there she asked me to bring in the police because a member of her family was abusing her and the five children in the room.at first I didn’t believe her.she then thirty minutes later asked again and by that time I had noticed red flags that I can’t talk about but it was baiting hook 🪝 line and stinker!!!I AM A MANDATED REPORTER DO TO MY JOB AND THERE WERE SO MANY RED FLAGS ABOUT THE CHILDREN (not her but I saw involving those children)SO I CONTACTED CPS AND I FIGURED BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY 😢 IF IT WASN’T ANYTHING THEN AT LEAST THINGS HAD BEEN CHECKED OUT
...This! ❤👏
Very True
@@jimmyhogan3997 you did the right thing but they're so good at appearing to be the victim the cops side with them and the man is usually carted off to jail. Dr. Todd Grande has a video: Traits of a Narc wife. The comments section is very sad. Men who've lost everything.
Funny!
It destroyed me how my reactions to the abuse was turned on me as if I were the problem. It is the most head muddling situation I have ever been through. Be careful with opening up on your mental health to people like this.
Yes!!! I went through that also. I was always told that I was so argumentative, contentious or volatile. Huh? If anything I was simply always on the defense because she kept accusing me of things.
Yes narcissist always do that!
I so relate to your statement, it's mind game's. I've started the process of divorce and its the best thing I could have done, I can't believe I put up with this for 24 years.
The thing is, to them you actually are the problem. You are the one who keeps going against their grain.
And you will always go against their grain, because they keep changing their expectations of you, so you never know what you are supposed to do or not do... like you said "head muddling"... frustrating af.
I hope you got out okay and you're on your way to healing and regaining trust, in yourself and your ability to safely share your opinions and feelings...
I said to her, "you destroyed me". And got caught for another run, where I'd hear constant mentions of how I was so mean for having said that, or how she had been "destroyed" by this or that. A new word appeared ! Always turned against me. Those pointy word repetitions are very visible in the flow of our written conversations. I had to check gigabits of text as I did not know what was going on...
I had a fun time after I said to her, "Go fuck yourself. Sincerely". I was already going out at that point.
I wish I had been meaner, sooner 😅
My favorite is when they bait, you comment, they get offended and dismissive, and the word salad happens, the conversation rapidly devolves, and you’re left reeling for days reflecting on how it went. This is every conversation with my family member.
I met a guy who I had a brief stint with..was an absolute covert/malignant narc who would bait and stonewall right after by blocking me on social media when I tried talking to him..was so extremely painful to enrage me, then block me so I couldnt respond..I’ve never met someone this sick before
@@musicandpoetry_8 omg that's exactly my life story...they wouldn't even let you respond and they enjoy your rage
"Rules for thee but not for me." They switch focus, topic, and discard any coherence that doesn't suit them in the moment. If you employ the same methods it will become a cussing and shouting match, and this suits them just fine; they get an 'even score' while being in the wrong. Moreover, they will use that instance as perpetual ammunition whenever they get called out in the future.
Ain't that the truth!
10000%
My narc discarded me today. I'm still celebrating.
So happy for youuu but expect her back, they ALWAYS come back, be on guard, seal your friggin door and PRAY. These people arent normal.
@@Vixinaful Yes he or she will more than likely be back probably trying to lure you in with a fake apology or maybe even sex do not fall for this because once they are back in they will double down on their previous behavior, I've noticed there's very little positive change with them and my hunch is if they were to ever really change it would take YEARS not days... not weeks not months.... but actual YEARS which I don't see many of them doing.
@@YamiRiku Yeah I saw that aswell, not even therapy works for a personality already set in stone.
Consider yourself lucky
Celebrate while you prepare for defense, eh? She'll be back. Don't be there. Good luck, wear garlic. Cheers and congrats!
No one is allowed emotions or reactions except the narcissist. They only want a positive mirror of who they imagine themselves to be. Give them anything else and you’re the bad guy.
EXACTLY!! 🎯👌
The sad truth!
Truth!
Omg you nailed it! That's precise!
They also want you to jump through hoops to prove to themselves that they're good even when they're having a negative spiral meltdown.
My rotten mother was a FULL BLOWN narcissist. When she died it was one of those "thank God THAT'S over" moments!
Same here!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@mailman248 it's a damn shame too...that ANY of us have to go through something like that to learn about THAT! BUT, I guess it's better to learn it IF indeed it exists at all, than to keep putting up with it in our future relationships. 👍🤙
Thanks Rodney for your response.
Rick
I get you. Godspeed!
That is heart breaking to hear. A son needs a loving supportive mother.
Bless your heart. That had to be terrible. Hope you recovered.
I was 48 y/o before I learned about NPD. This needs to be explained in high school, it would save many people a lot of grief. Dr Ramani has over one million subscribers so narcissism must be quite mainstream
That would be nice, but can you imagine the parental response? There would be torches and pitchforks - "You can't teach my child that!!" (because maybe I'm a narc parent).
They are addicted to drama. People getting along is just boring to them.
Yes i love that they love drama
Yup. They wake up like that.
They are parasites hollowing you out from the inside. That's why you feel totally hollow in a relation with them after some time.
by design
I agree!!!
Outside of saying NO and waiting for the response... my favourite way to quantify the health of a partner is having a day of silence. In my experience, narcissists (and other cluster B personalities) cannot STAND the quiet. Even during meditation, they have sounds, smells, fluffy things to sit on... it's kind of wild to observe them go absolutely bonkers! Heartbreaking if I'm being honest. It must be super difficult to be them :/
there is no dealing with a narcissist.
THE ONLY WAY is to permanently delete them from your life and NEVER look back.
they are evil incarnate.
it will NEVER improve.
I literally refer to my narc ex as the devil incarnate!!! 👹
@@vodalavoid Counseling. Hopefully he's not an adult yet.
How harsh
Yes, they are victims too
Just get stronger and leave that bitterness behind you
@@vodalavoid I hope you guys can repair. It's nice to see a humble comment. Writing people off is a last ditch effort in some relationships.
I hv accepted this and left her. However, im still repairing my emotional and mental health. Its not easy. I still didnt see the silver lining of meeting her.
My mother is a TEXTBOOK case of narcissism. I didn't have a word to describe her until now. Any time you talk about narcissism, i have a story of her behaving that way somewhere in my traumatic memory. I forgave her horrible behavior every single time. The last straw that broke the camel's back is when she tried to ruin my wedding 2 days before my wedding. Canceled 60 guests by lying to them. Tried to cancel the vendors and the priest. Thankfully I spoke to all the vendors since I was paying them and clarified that they are still hired. But that was it. Ruining my wedding that i planned for 2 years was the final assault. Never looked at her again.
The Baiting with a question is how I always fall for it.
A softly put question to get in the door that BAM they pounce and attack
This lady is a true genius who has focused her immense intellect on this subject. We are all very blessed to have her.
TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
She saved my life
Yes, I agree. She is the very best!
Yeah, she's pretty awesome
I agree! Have said to myself she is a genius so many times- beyond grateful for her and the knowledge she gives us on here
They enjoy the pain of others... that’s so damn sick.
even their own children
Queana Ivory Music
Our pain is their pleasure
Beware of the covert sadists
It s like they get satisfaction and true pleasure. But that is also consolation for us, cause if you know it is all about them getting their disgusting satisfaction they are definately going to get it from somebody else. You just stick to no contact and make sure you or your kids will never be a source of satisfaction like that to anybody ever.
The pain from others distracts them from their own demons.
My husband is a narcissist he hurts me a lot by making treating me like a doormat but other women be it his relatives, his friends, his friend's wives feel very very special.... I tried to break up with him but he patches up but continues his narc behavior ...emotionally.backmails me to.stay n not divorce because of our child who is 19yrs old
Perfect example of baiting: I have very tightly curled hair that I let grow in after years of straightening it. I found a brush that really glides through the curls and showed it casually to a narcissist. Their response-"Wow, that reminds me of those brushes they use for dogs." My response-"I don't know about dogs but it works wonderfully on my curly hair. I'm so glad I found it!" I literally saw his whole countenance fall and a very disturbed look on his face immediately after my not taking the bait and him not getting his supply.
Excellent job ! As a side note, any type of naturally curly hair is my favorite. I just love curls. 🙂
@@phoenixspirit9530 Thank you so much for your kind response! So happy that I am finally seeing the beauty in my God-given hair, nice to know you do as well. ☺️
My little brother does this, too.
The eyebrow raise, the immediate shift from satisfaction, to disgust and even anger.
Then, the wild flailing or exaggerated movements, while they attempt another angle to get supply...
OR...
They will back off, but spend the whole time staring at you in contempt and trying to gauge the level of fear or reaction to their stares, to see if they still have any affect on you with their presence.
I've literally ignored him, to the point where he gets mad that he isn't the center of attention and will derail/interrupt a conversation to talk about himself or something he wants to, again.
If I leave, then of course, it'll be "oh, you don't listen to *anyone* and just wanna talk about yourself!"
I don't deal with his ass, fuck that.
@@techrvl9406 The desperate need for attention by any means necessary is real. 🤢
I can only imagine his face. This is soòoo good. Way to go.
I'm so ashamed when I actually react. I do know better. Then he just smirks and so happy he got to me.
When I stopped engaging, he didn't know what to do. He really believed things were getting better between us. I was compliant and agreeable. I really just accepted that he wasn't going to change. I got a plan together and got out of Dodge. He was blindsided. 🤯 It was awesome watching him squirm for once. He no longer had control once I left and was scrambling to find a way to get me back. I had done so much research and finally understood his mind games that I was immune to his manipulation.i had already mourned the death of the relationship for so long before I left that I was DONE. I accepted that he was a liar. Anything he promised was a LIE. Even when trying to get me back he could not own up to ANYTHING. He just kept repeating "please come back" , but was not willing to acknowledge the millions of reasons I left to begin with. It just confirmed that I had made the right decision.
Amber Hayes same.
This is a heartbreaking decision for me. It is in my family. It has affected all of us. I am torn between stepping out, and the love I feel for them. I know what I need to do but it feels so adverse at the same time.
@@dbirdeycapozzi9807 Your health comes first before other adult humans. Only our animals and kids come before us.
@@clayandputtyvideos1647 agreed
@@dbirdeycapozzi9807 Same here. Think about the possibility that, by setting firm boundaries that keep you safe and allow you to flourish, you are also setting an example for how others in the family can do the same. You don't have to hate the narcs or wish them ill, but you do have a responsibility to yourself, and you can be a powerful model of how to live in a dignified, respectful, compassionate way for other family members.
"They know what upsets you....Narcissists learn and recognize the vulnerabilities of other people and exploit them instead of protect them." I felt that deeply. I always felt like I was being analyzed instead of talking to a friend. Now it makes sense why.
Yes!!! Took me a long time to understand why I always felt different about "heart to heart" talks we would have. Instead of feeling better like a person should I always felt uneasy and strange - now I know it's because they were simply cataloguing info to use later. Sick..
omg i felt the same thing
Imagine that I never let my guard down with my ex narc but he still managed to provoke me into oblivion and hurt me in many ways. Goes to show just how monstrous they are. Never let people know your weaknesses! Know your worth people, then add TAX! Maintain your boundaries and stay discerning. Love y’all. ❤️
@GetYaMindRight ! lol this guy was telling me I only have 5 questions to ask him and that's it. Meanwhile he wanted to know everything including how much rent I pay per week and how much my brother pays like wtf meanwhile the whole time he lived down the road from my house and told me he lived 10 minutes away.
@@angelahagemeyer698 “ Cataloging info to use later”
^loveee🔥🙏🏻
Dear God so true. My mother did this the other day. I just learned about grey rock.. so I wasn't giving her the response she was looking for. Then she started the baiting, she started making passive aggressive statements about me my husband and I just kept you know ignoring it. So she just kept it up all day because she lives with me I take care of her. I finally just snapped and started yelling and I can still see her face the moment I started getting upset.. it was like I gotcha. She got so calm, kinda smiled and called me crazy. Done this to me my whole life.
She doesn’t need care from you
@@msmanager2775 seriously. I'd send her to live elsewhere.
@@blktauna that’s the next course of action
Jeez, that's misery. I'm with the other commenters, find another situation for her, this is taking years from your life.
Them
Witches call themselves mothers! Is she dead yet ?
I just tried these strategies with my abusive ex wife, and she did all the responses- baiting, gas lighting, avoiding the issue, etc. I’ve never felt so clean after dealing with her, usually I feel like spending the day crying. Thank you so much, you’ve literally changed my life
Same brother
Not gonna lie I saw this & it sounds like you killed your ex wife🤣
I feel your pain, everything is my fault, ive never met anyone who could turn things around to blame others like this dude. Now I can't get rid of him, ive asked him nicely to go, tried locking him out and everything. He's been suckijg my bank account dry for 14 years while he started working finally and just spends it on himself and I'm left struggling paying the bills and have nothing left for things I need. Dating a narcissist has made me doubt I'll ever find someone who will treat me at the very least as an equal and share the cost of living rather than using me for everything you can. Glad you made it out and she's now an ex, wish I could find a way to do the same!
I SO get you. I also just want to spend the day crying (and I have on many occasions). Well done Casey. One battle at a time1
@@juliasmueller69 it all starts with that scary plunge of separating yourself- I know how hard it is to trust after, but don’t let them destroy that good part of you that can trust and love openly. There are so many people out there that deserve it, and you’ll meet them!
Baiting is actually a two-fold "win" for the narcissist.
Not only do they have power and control over your emotions but they also control the way other people view you.
He’s tried that with our friends, thankfully he can’t fool most of them and they know what he’s doing and tell him I’m right. That doesn’t Mae hin happy, but that’s not my problem.
Yes! Every bystander will see their calm manner and you screaming and emotional and think your the crazy bad guy.
Irene Russak you do realise that the behaviour of a narcissist is the topic, not a public demonstration? Most narcissists are so concerned with how they appear, they forget that others can see right through the mask. No screaming necessary.
@@michelekett8450 I disagree. People buy what they are selling
@@michelekett8450 I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your comment. I was referring to the gaslighting, where they say awful things to you until you get upset and then tell you are crazy. Sometimes it happens in a public setting and other people don't know, what the narcissist said or did and since he is calm and you are upset, it will also seem to others, that you are crazy.
My sympathies to any human being on this earth that has had or is having to deal with one of these insecure monsters. Learn everything there is to know about this personality disorder because if you don't you will be destroyed. Learn to seek out your weaknesses and grow from them. Do your best to stay in a positive emotion no matter how much negative dark energy they throw at you.
Nick Bargas Very good advice and it’s advice I also suggest.
Excellent advice. Thank you. Staying positive is the only thing you can do really. The hard part for people is that it's very difficult to remain strong at times and you need reassurance from the positive people in your life to help you.
Good!
I am so grateful to a friend who suggested he was a narcissist after we had separated. I did some research, and at first I thought, no, he ticks a lot of the boxes, but I don’t think he would classify as having full blown NPD. I now realize his symptoms didn’t show because for most of our marriage our goals aligned, and I rarely asserted myself. The one or two times I tried it went badly for me. He never respected any of my boundaries. It was only after we separated (he had been in the discard phase for a while), and I felt such tremendous relief that I realized how emotionally abusive he had been to me. Now that I know what he is, I have been able to do research and equip myself with the tools and strategies to deal with him more effectively. Knowledge is power. I don’t know where I would be right now if it hadn’t been for that friend who suggested NPD. I feel so badly for all of those people out there who are going through this and never realize the other person is a narcissist.
Myrna I’m glad you got out. I basically advise my friends not to tolerate any form of abusive behaviour. An actual diagnosis isn’t required. Toxic is toxic. Abuse is abuse. Know your self worth. Nobody deserves that.
OMG! I could never put a finger on what MY problem was after years of on and off therapy. Now I know I came from a narcissistic family. Dr. R. is helping me make breakthroughs with her informative videos. I am depressed and highly upset realizing what a toxic family I grew up in; never being able to shine or reach my potential, being berated, picking partners that continued the family legacy...no more. I have the right to heal, to be a fully realized human being, and be happy without someone trying to kill my joy. Thank you from the bottom of my healing heart.
I hope you're doing ok now. I just realized I've been sabotaged by the people I thought loved me as well but I am determined to start doing the things I want. I'll be starting with studying and giving my energy to people that actually love me.
The problem I see, Is that it’s easy to repeat these relationships to one degree or another because it feels normal.
Hang in there Pumpkin. There are good and kind people out there that don't have to struggle with everyone so much. You deserve love and you deserve peace.
Aligning with you! 🤗💕🦋
I had the same situation. It's like you can't put your finger on it, but never allowed to shine and punished if it wasn't done their way. Not necessarily the right way but their way only - without rhyme or reason.
_"The opposite of empathy"_ Yes, thank you! That is so important. Narcissists are always described as 'lacking empathy', but that fails to fully explain their motivations. 'They want power'; well, yes, but there are better ways to get power, ways that are more profitable and durable. But having an emotional need to be cruel -- then it all make sense. They don't just want power, they specifically want the power to _hurt_ you. Simply controlling you for their own security is _not_ enough.
Characterizing this in terms of 'lacking empathy' neutralizes what, in reality, fits our common definition of _evil._ I suppose we phrase it that way because we are uncomfortable with the blunt truth. In doing so, we are enabling narcissism. We should call it what it is -- evil -- to keep this firmly in mind.
The only question is the _extent_ to which the evil behavior will go.
Listen for the condescending words, folks. Narcissists LOVE to make you feel so small as if you are some whining little child they have to correct or, God forbid, placate just to shut you up.
I wish i had someone tell me all these things 15 years ago when I was growing up.
The best day was when I realized he thrived on conflict, a steady stream of conflict no matter who or what. One crisis rolled into another. Nothing was ever resolved. He was enraged the day I finally turned around and walked away. He followed me to the barn and did everything he could to engage me. He finally left. How I wish I found these videos 15 years ago - but better late then never . The good thing about seeking refuge in the barn is I have friends there! 👍🏻🤗
We all do. But at least we know now. Think about all the generations before us that didn’t have this information.
Me too and I’m 56.
Me to
Me to
When you say “they go after what makes you anxious” as a sa survivor my ex told me he got r*ped to get me to react after we’d gone no contact. It was horrendous. You are right - NOTHING is sacred to them. They just want you emotionally hooked and they use ANYTHING. It was like something from a horror movie realizing this.
Literally NOTHING is sacred to them. I remember during an argument, his eyes turned black and he told me I deserved all the abuse I had gotten from my ex. It was my fault and it happened bc I talk too much and he probably couldn’t stand me. Among other things… in that moment I realized that he wasn’t a normal person. It wasn’t me being “difficult” “argumentative” or any of the other things he told me I was. No normal person says that. They keep pushing until they see the hurt in your eyes. Then they just smirk. It’s like a demon is looking back at you.
A flying monkey 🐒 of an ex narc used to keep tab on me. He told me the narc was in hospital coz of severe fever. I told him the narc could go and die 😂. The monkey 🐒 stopped talking about that.
My ex pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have a miss carriage to suck me back in....yeah they can go that low. I can't wait to see if my wife is going to go lower...she did try to have me arrested 5 times in 2 months for fake domestic charges....
holly! you have some major wife issues. I would have at least installed multiple cameras inside out if not moving out before she makes one of those charges stick. @@Ballpython77
I went through it constantly with my ex. After 14 years I’d had enough and divorced. My house was so peaceful after that. It was almost eerily quiet with nobody picking fights constantly.
I HATE fighting. No reason for it. But now I know why! Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Getting ready to go through the process myself. She has changed. She is not yelling, cursing, at the dogs and other issues. She knows it's coming so she is trying to be "good".
It won't last. They know what good is, but can't stay with it.
When I was with a narcissist woman I kept a journal and documented what was going on and detailing things. I did it to reassure myself that I wasn’t going nuts or imagining things. When I finally went to a therapist my journal was very valuable in helping me leave the relationships and recover more quickly. I highly recommended keeping a journal for all of you that are in a toxic relationship.
Yes, I second that idea. When you feel softer to the narc, go back and read it.
I’m doing this to help me stay sane too, but have not had the courage to leave because of my sense of duty to my marriage vows.
This is very good advice, thank you.
What a good idea!
I’m coherent I don’t need a damn journal 📓 I know when someone is gaslighting cuz I was fortunate enough to discover this material early on and I saw that old ass crusty movie and self confident enough to know myself VS BULLSHIT.
Let's be honest, we are so used to downplaying their actions that we doubt they are narcissist untill their actions are given as examples here by Dr. Ramani.
ABSOLUTELY!!!!
@@amytiffanyhemingway Exactlyyyy
They sell hope... that's what keep us clinging on to them.
I think it's accurate to say that narcs get away with a LOT unless/until we, their victims, learn about their disorder, toolkit, tricks, techniques, and learn to fight against them (or cut them out of our lives).
EXACTLY!!! I downplayed EVERYTHING!!! I knew better, but, my self-doubt and low self-esteem plagued me from pegging it for what it ACTUALLY IS: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE 💯%
OMG! My mother used to do that to me! She would get me so upset, then say "what's wrong with you" or "you are mentally sick", when I would still be sullen or upset the next day because of her abuse the day before, and she has snapped back to being "normal"
My mum did that too...crazy making as a child xx
I realized something was wrong with my mother when I came to the understanding that I literally don’t get in heated arguments with anyone but her. The few times I get into a disagreement I prefer to approach it from a very cool and collected manner. But with her I just start crying and yelling after I cannot handle the baiting anymore she’s done for several hours. And generally it’s literally just me wanting her to leave me alone, stop insulting me, and go away and she just won’t no matter what. I’ve gotten better at walking away but yeah still working on it.
It's like you are describing my mother. By the way, she HATES that I am financially independent - for her it means only that I can just cut contact at any moment if she starts some shit.
Years ago, my therapist taught me not all questions deserve answers. She suggested a response of “Why do you ask?” It took me a while to remember...and to implement. It’s been pure gold and I highly recommend for those trying to go “Grey Rock”.
Great advise thank you 😊
Thanks! ❤ Will try it out😄
It works. I do it to my narc mother and it stops her in her tracks.
Omg if only I knew this over a month ago when I left- It would've been so much easier
this is awesome! adopting that right now.
Threats and slander are the worst part of dealing with a narcissist...
Very true,
It's this which is the most tormenting
My narc ex still emails me threatening me with bad Karma
Mannnnn!!! Threats blow my wig back!!! I was like!!! You threaten me!!! She turn it around like you hearing things and said: I want you to stay here with me. I am so glad I’m out of that chaos 🙏🏾
@@RachyNoodleNest I'm going through this right now. I've left my husband 3x due to his drinking and it seems like I always go back out of guilt. He always says karma will get me, wishes me sick, or my loved ones. Even wishes death, almost daily. Is it normal that these people start as soon as their eyes open and keep on til they sleep? I'm not exaggerating when I say, that soon as he wakes up, the verbal abuse starts. "I'm ugly, disgusting, no one cares about me, my family uses me so I must forget about them, and give him power of attorney." I honestly don't even know where he got the idea that my family uses me for anything. I have a great family and we're very close, and will always be. It's like he creates drama in his head, repeats it all day long and nags me NON STOP, hoping that eventually I'll believe him. I really believe he wants me to THINK I'm going crazy.
January of 2020, I was in the hospital and gave birth to a still born daughter. It was devastating, and still to this day I feel like I haven't been able to grieve. I was in the hospital on his bday, and he was so pissed that I didn't throw him a party, and that " I ruined his 50th B-day," It's been the topic of all discussions since then, and what a selfish, terrible person I was for ruining an event such as him being HALF A CENTURY OLD. He has not once mentioned the death of our baby, it's about his bday. I left, and we live in separate states, but he is even more determined now and insists that I plan and pay for a party. He wants it catered, full bar. When he use to offer to take me to dinner, but would disappear or suddenly need to take a call when the bill came. I paid for every meal, and it was never less than $100, 5 nights a week. Sometimes, I wouldn't eat because I know it would just be more money wasted. My savings is gone! I want a divorce, but if I do that, "God will make sure I die a horrible death, and I'm just a fat whore."
Now, he wants "my entire small Texas town to see what a terrible and selfish person I am." 😬All day, everyday.
His favorite quote, " I'll never stop! I always get the last laugh."
He's creepy af. How? How did I ever find this person to be attractive, much less marriage material? Most importantly, WTF is wrong with ME to keep going back?? It's never gonna get better!
"Once they've stepped away, once they've disappeared, the moment you're alone, cry and yell it out. Just don't let them see it. Don't give them that satisfaction." What Dr. Ramani said right there is so important. Took me almost 50 years to realize that the only time I saw my malignant family member narcissist thrown off guard and unsure of herself was when I appeared unfazed in the face of her narcissism. It is an empowering feelimg. She was able to control the narrative when I would get angry, or sad, or become frustrated, or desperate, or if I tried to get through to her. And narcissists definitely get pleasure and satisfaction out of that. But the first time my response was calm and I let everything roll off my back unbothered, I saw her lose her composure. It was amazing to see a pro in manipulation become almost flustered. When you do this the first time, it may be the most empowering feeling you'll ever have. And it's ok if you are caught off guard again because you will already know what to do. And you will get better and more comfortable at it. And like Dr. Ramani said, if you need to yell or cry and get it off your chest, because they probably will try to do something spiteful or trifling, just never let them see it affect you and it doesn't matter how old you are. You can do it!
Well said and well done. I do that, and then when I'm in my own space I call all my friends up and talk it through with them, since they are all healthy people who can discuss stuff without wigging out. LOL.
I drew a line, when he tries to pick a fight, now. I just tell him, I refuse to argue, if you continue, I will leave. I have no close friends here, as I moved from my hometown to be with him. I get in my own car and just leave for a few hrs. I get something to eat or walk around in the park. I was being baited all the time. He made a comment to me and it shook Me. He said “I wish I could have known you earlier so I could train you”. I am not a dog or a monkey. Thank you!! He says I am crazy, I may be, but not on this subject. He gets mad, throws things, cusses and tells me, I caused it and accused me of lying and drinking behind his back. He finds my journal, not anymore, he takes pictures, recorded when I lost it and denies getting on my phone to try to get ammunition to start a fight and then wants sex after he has made me feel so useless. No more, will he control the real me.
Amen.
True that
letting roll everything of your back....
thats exactly what they do. Its not a shield like some people have. No this is different. Its far from a shield. And as i write about it... they dont let it roll of their back.,. no... they absorb it. Because its supply. Any attention in any kind of form is supply to them. Which gets absorbed into blackness. Which is what u feel. They replace u with that blackness while they feed it with your soul.
My entire family has been enabling a narcissist for my entire life. And when I (the youngest, and the scapegoat) finally started waking up to this and pointing it out to others, I got called hysterical and became the biggest focus of her hatred. I failed to take the bait for once, and that really freaked her out. In fact, I haven’t taken the bait in years and she cannot handle it. She’s been spreading hatred against me for years, and guess what? I don’t care. As the family scapegoat I already got used to hatred being spread against me unfairly, so haha good luck with that. Lucky me, she has had several blowups with other family members since then.
I could not relate more. This was my family dynamic as well.
@@Mezbourian same.
Yes, they eventually turn to someone else. Then they see it, I had a moment like this once. My other family member was like, wow I see it now. I was like, see, its not me. She was like speechless after that.
They have to get it from somewhere, and if not you, then they'll find another.
I love how once you show you are fighting against baiting, narcissists will start trying *anything* to get a rise out of you.
When they do get a rise out of you, they will then show that disgusting narc smirk that stretched across their face, and then they will play the victim and pretend that they were hurt by your 'rage'
Yes this^^^^
@@tyrellwilson9334 yes!
This 🖕is the ONLY raise those pos narcs will get outta me from now on! 😆
I use to retreat to a room and say I’m not interested in your argument. Then she started calling me a narcissist know I’m searching UA-cam trying to figure out if I am
My mother told me I was crazy and I needed to see a psychologist so we both saw one together. After reading our email communications and during a one on one meeting with the psychologist she told me my mother is a narcissist, sociopath and she was amazed at how mentally balanced I was considering who I was raised by. It all made sense that day and soon after I took a five year break from my Mother for my own mental health and to learn what I was dealing with and what I went through. She basically destroyed my childhood and youth
Hello partida.. I am going through a similar situation.. after a horrible childhood I have recently noticed who did it to me . You know the sad thing about having a narc parent you will familiarize with such people and will have friendships/relationship with such people only.. the 1st step in our healing process is identify the root of our problem.. in my case it was my mother.. I tried so much to change her.. I tried so much to get along with her. But no she did not change and will never.. now in my laye 20s I refuse any sort of abuse.. I avoid such people.. I avoid her voices in my head..
Wow! Therapy is so important for Narc abused children/adults. They are NOT to blame even tho they have it pounded into their psyche 🌹
@@di3393 Thanks for sharing diki! Your so right and I am struggling with that in my relationships to this day. It’s a lifelong struggle but educating ourselves helps and I’m becoming a sort of personality expert for my own defense and I now recognize and spot things others don’t. So just keep learning and empowering yourself and don’t give up♥️
I feel the same way. I need a nice break from my mom after I move out here in the next couple weeks
God bless you, partida125!
Can you do a segment on “good behavior?” It was a term a psychologist used for me to understand when the narcissist suddenly realizes you had enough then essentially morphs into the perfect person of your dreams to let your guard down and stay.
There's a very long English novel, not to everyone's taste, but your comment reminded me of a character, Steerpike.
This would be helpful indeed! I recently decided to tell my narcissistic husband that "I don't think I can make him happy. And that he can never make me happy either. And that I thought I was ready for marriage but I guess I wasn't." And lots of other things.
I think this was when our relationship flipped a switch. Literally. During this whole conversation of me essentially rejecting him, he didn't freak out, didn't leave the conversation in a huff, and didn't act like a child. I couldn't believe it. And the week following this conversation has been bliss. There has been no boundary busting, no awkward conversations, no pity parties, no yelling, no gaslighting or blame shifting or rude behavior. Nothing.
It's almost like he got a concussion because he hit his head, and forgot that he was this horrible human being before...it's weird! I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's definitely out of character! It's like he realized he went too far cause I'm checking out of the relationship so he backed off. Been a whole week of normalcy.
I don't feel like he is trying to get me back these last few days though. He was offering me coffee, actually cooking a meal etc but now nothing. Not sure what's next actually...I think he is seeing someone else because he's never home. And he even forgot to pick up his son from practice today. Didn't answer his son's texts etc. Its weird. I mean, where the hell were you? Totally bailing on your son with no good excuse probably.
My husband leaves early in the morning and doesn't come back till late evening. He is unemployed....He even was gone overnight with some lame excuse that he was house sitting. Come on man...
@@lovestolaugh he is just trying to push your buttons in a different, new, unrecognisable to you way. Hope you find it in you to get your son and move very very far away
Love bombing 'good' behaviour...
@@mariachereches2083 it's his son, my step son...and yes, they are moving out soon hopefully. Stbx told me he found a trailer house and will be moving it to the land he has. Hallelujah Praise the Lord, the evil demon be gone!
even after divorce, i still find myself in this horrible pattern of being desensitized to the things he did. It happened so often for so many years it's like I became desensitized to abnormal behavior. It's only when I happen to tell people something that happened and their jaws drop does it refresh my brain.
You're not alone!!😊 I was with mine for 34 years, and am in the middle of the divorce. Being desensitized sucks!!
32 years for me ! We're like sisters in divorce ! Mine's been done for a year and a half and I have to say that I've never been at such peace in my life. Drama-free. It's good. I hope you get there ! hugs.@@elizabethy2912
I cut my ties with my family. Best decision ever.
My mom is narcissistic and the rest of my family are enablers.
Sorry to hear, same situation on my side, never felt so adult but the guilt and feeling of opening my eyes for the first time on my family is still difficult to control from sometime. How do you deal with it?
It's probably the best decision you made for your mental health and overall well-being. I did the same many years ago. I refuse to have any unnecessary drama in my life.
Can we be friends? My dad and his family are like this.
Amen sister, same!
I cut contact with my malignant narcissist mother 8 years ago. I re-established contact some years later and have only this week totally cut contact again. She repeated the same unforgivable comments used last time. I feel free as a bird. She can go to hell. Our lives have been absolute chaos because of her and I actually do feel hate for the woman.
I lived with this for 25 years and just thought I was crazy. I never knew there was anyone else in the world that was going through what I was going through.
That's exactly what they want you to think. That's how they continue the abuse.....they make you think that YOU are the source of all the problems ......and that you are THE problem.....and that your experience is unique. It isn't unique That's the good and bad news.. Look up an author named Lundy Bancroft. His work gave me the validation I had so desperately needed for years.....I knew then that it wasn't all in my head and my experience of mistreatment was real......I just didn't have words or the vocabulary to express what I was going through. . When I saw how my ex-husband infuriated our marriage counselor, I really saw that it wasn't me.....it was the narc.
I have gone through this for 29 years too! I finally found out that he was narcisstic (I didn't know what that was until 10 months ago) I literally had to take anxiety pills because I didn't know what was going on with my like. BTW, he called my medicine my "crazy pills" . I have finally left him!!
@@sherriseago8363 mine called MY anxiety meds crazy pills too!
It took me so long because I had 5 children with him. They have all turned against me because they think I'm sinning. He hasn't had an affair or actually hit me!
@@sherriseago8363 good for you and have a prosperous life. I will say a payer for you.
When I met my narcissist, he met his nemesis. And I have mastered his games and he can’t stand it. The competion is fierce but he always tells me how impressed he is about my ghosting abilities and how I can refrain from contacting him and answering him. It’s like they want to admire you for being an independent strong woman but once you give in they will rip your heart out.
That's a type of flattery that not only draws you back in; "see, I respect you now", but justifies the inevitable abuse and injustice if he gets you back: "it's because you lost your strength."
My narc hates me so much because I'm an independent woman too and more successful than him.He's so jealous of me that I dont understand before, I'm more like confuse coz im his wife my success is our success he should be happy. It's exhausting too because its always like a competition for him. He cannot control me fully for I made more in our relationship and stand my ground. So he looked and went for another supply. Only now I understand I was a narc victim all along. Now I'm happy to say I'm a SURVIVOR.
This makes so much sense. I was becoming unhinged the point where I accidentally dislocated my own finger, punching my hand into my other hand in frustration when he was what I know know is baiting me. I was my worst self. The journey to freedom and health is long but step by step I will try.
Best thing I did for my wellbeing was to leave my narcissist.
Same here but for me, my child and my loved ones around me exposed to the ex narc
Leaving was one of the best decision I ever made.
Me to..2-10-21. Escaped a 7 year relationship
omg i was friends with someone like this he would get really weird & I'd stay away, but then he'd call & be nice. then he did the worst to me almost lost my house from it, he died before I could confront him. know that I see all this guess I lucked out
Well, I have been in this relationship 33 years. I used to be strong and it just didn't matter and I could just keep going. Now, I am disabled and have no power in my world and NOW I AM IN REAL TROUBLE. Before I was the breadwinner and my continuing to "make things work" was what was always "making things work", now I can no longer "make things work"! UGH! I only just hit the "record your conversations phase". We have even gotten to the point where my spouse admits the bad behavior in some incidents and has labeled this character "The ANgry One" we even came up with a safe word. Even with this in place, when the triggering event happens, I am still the bad guy. Now I can be kicked out to be homeless. I guess I should have worked on this 20 years ago. Oh Well!
One thing that a narcissist tell you when you're beginning to analyze the situation is that " you're paranoid" or " you're crazy"
Yes, I had a nightmare of an ex "friend" (she finally pushed me over the edge with her nasty behaviour and ridiculous gaslighting, and I cut her out of my life finally). When confronted she would say "You're not well" and "You need to see a doctor". It was infuriating.
Also she would deliberately provoke to such an extent I would finally get really angry and upset, and she would whip out her phone and start filming me 😔
Or you misunderstood me
@@emiuygun3850 or "you're twisting my words"...when I was repeating VERBATIM what he said
@@tiffanyhaynes6083 yess....or tell you that YOU are "distorting reality" or, "You are changing events in your head again" or, "you have issues with remembering events" 🙃🥴
For years I was wondering why I always walked away from a confrontation with my narcissistic sister feeling like I failed at everything. When all I wanted was to ask her to do normal and what decent people would do like putting back my things where they were after borrowing them. She made me so angry I cursed at her and she totally gained the moral upper hand after that, going all wow and staring at me as if I am totally overreacting. Same as when she insulted me so badly I had to get her away from me and kicked at her when I was a child. She lorded that over me and all that my parents and grandparents could see were that I was in the wrong for acting out. What about the emotional abuse that happened before that? Made me feel absolutely insane. Thank you for these videos of yours Dr Ramani. It really helps to have words to put on these situations and work towards getting away.
This video could not have come at a better time for me. I have just left a narcissistic relationship and I can finally see and understand how like no other person in the world they manage to get me so upset. He's had months to pick out and master my insecurities and use those against me. Just remember that the sad thing is that these people cannot change and they are deep down very broken individuals. You can move on and live a happy life.
So glad you walked away. Awesome ❤
There's also passive aggressive baiting as well. It's one thing when they say something overtly cruel, it's another when it is covert and hard to call out, even to yourself
Yes, you know, but until I heard Dr. R. Put it in words I understand. Thanks Dr.
U got be quick with it, there ALLL INSULTS. The thing hates ur guts
The thing??
ll S N A R L ll yes THING it’s goal is to de-humanize YOU, so if you continue to consider it a human you will continue to show it empathy
And it will continue to torment you, but once you see it for wat it is you will began to interact with it like a creature or machine allowing you to preserve wats left of you.
Yeah like one I’ve noticed he does is so simple and usually something someone says in care but whatever I answer to this question will be twisted later or used to belittle me. The question he asks is “are you ok?”
Baiting can be done through a flying monkey while you are no contact.
Sadly, very true!!
Extremely true! Social media is the biggest one! Depending what you’re dealing with. I’ve heard many sleep around with all your friends/colleagues/workers and family members of any sex
@@lovelight2919 Oh God!
@@lovelight2919 Oh God!
Exactly, yes Kathy. Good point. I have been unexpectedly at the other end of flying monkeys long after no contact. It's awful when it happens, but I know the game they play now. Covert narcs are the worst.
Bless my UA-cam algorithm for sending these videos my way.
I dated a narc before. Listening to you describe bating is exactly what he did to me. He tried to tell me there was something wrong with my brain and I needed psychiatric help. All I did was tell him to LEAVE, I don't like you, I don't love you and I want you to leave lol. Looking back on it now, I am able to laugh because yeah, I wanted him OUT. He made a mess of my life. He finally left in 2009 and I am still having nightmares about him. Thank God he left, what a mess.
I cannot believe others have experienced the 'smirk'. I had no idea this is such a common experience, it's a look that I still have so strongly etched in my memory. Him smirking and taking pleasure out of something he intentionally said to make me feel uncomfortable. Luckily, I see who he is now and I left. I am so much healthier and happier.
I've had one that smirked another whose rage only stopped when I'd been completely torn down another who looked at me with contempt n did passive aggressive til I pleaded... sickening. Leaves you like nuts!! Then they call u nuts n mentally ill!!!! I'm surprised I'm not in a mental home! 🙋
My ex did a smirk when i was crying and also when he talked about another girl and i felt bad about it
Very sick and sad individuals who take pleasure in trying destroying you, the smirk is their pleasure radiating out.
Tips to cope with the smirk ?
I’ve seen them do it when they talk about something they’d had their dirty fingers in to cause trouble for others. My sister talked about her neighbor being evicted and she was smiling and smirking the whole time she was talking about it. She had been complaining on him for very minor things for several weeks. I asked her if she caused him to be evicted and she told me no. She was way to smug & satisfied to have not done it.
"they are petty tyrants" END OF STORY!!! VERY TRUE!
It's like you grew up in my house with me! I am finally feeling like I have some control! That I am understood! That I am NOT the crazy person. The over emotional person. I am the NORMAL person. I am seriously so thankful for you and for these videos that are giving me the tools to interact with my sibling, and start to cope with the abuse that I suffered from at his hands all of my life.
I have been raised by narcissists and was the scapegoat. I moved away because of my family. I have a very severe case. My siblings have been ordered to destroy me… and being narcissists they’ve baited and undermined me my whole life. Started a gossip site on me accusing me of vile things and others joining in with every horrible lie … twisting the truth to , now death threats. I have tried to get help for stalking and the police just winked and said sorry, no evidence. I have had my notes taken from my home, called the police because they were breaking in and stealing my things. No help. Told the apartment manager about this, but she never would change the lock. On and on. I just want my privacy. Lawyers that handle cyber stalking won’t talk to me. These are people that are very powerful and can buy anybody ( the police lady recognized me and laughed and said nothing we can do) Vile accusations and I’m being harassed by strangers and have lost everything. Anyone have advice? Maybe someone else has been through this. I’ve been following Dr Ramani’s advice and the narcs are ramping it up. Oh, side note, I will not commit suicide… was told that’s the goal. Thanks if you’re still listening 😢
I watch these videos to remind myself of the many angles of a narcissist. Never again will a narcissist control me. I'm too educated.
i always get “you will never survive without me” and “you’re nothing without me” from the narcissist in my life. they love having this fantasy of people being lost and helpless without them.
YES!!!👏👏
Hey did you study my mother?!
So true.
Hey Noura, tell em they live in a fantasy world and that you can’t wait to get rid of them....or tell em you’d rather not survive than being with them....or tell em they are delusional dicks for even thinking that...or even better, tell em to f-ck off....
So effing true.
''The narcissist is on a single minded struggle for POWER,'' so clarifying
Watching this in preparation for seeing my mother. "Children are the ultimate form of narcissist," she said recently. I was to have dinner with her and her husband, and I reduced it to coffee. In a 10 minute conversation about change of plans, she tried to guilt me about her inadequate parenting. That she misses me (after years of telling me she didn't want me). She enjoyed that I was an alcoholic, because I stayed close. I needed help financially. I was still a child. She misses me being a doting child. I was her favorite when I was 5.
She asked when it gets to be about her and her feelings. I very delicately, and firmly, told her that it's inappropriate for her to share her feelings with her children. That I'm not a therapist. She backed down.
This is after deeply embarrassing her when she came to visit me in my new home state. She crossed my boundaries and I told her to stay away, while she sat in an AirBnB a few blocks away, sulking. It was the first time she had felt I had the power. She couldn't come to MY house. She didn't have a key. She couldn't force her way in.
Now I get to see her for coffee. Guaranteed, 15 minutes in, she'll pull something. And this time, I'll walk away. I'll just get up and walk out.
Stop the coffee meet ups
My daughters carefully control the meetings with their narcissist father. The brief, controlled meetings, in public, are just often enough so that they can avoid worse drama and uncontrolled situations.
I wish this information was taught in 1981. It would have saved me 4 decades of GASLIGHTING from Nacissistic Employers, Coworkers and Girlfriends.
Me too brother, keep the faith🤫
I know!
@A M OR easy to be baited. Like me.
I can not imagine who I would have become without all the narcissists in my life, starting with the first day. Now I am 60 years old. Sometimes I think I will habe to spend the rest of my life alone, grieving and crying. Its so hard to learn normal relationship, I feel deeply insecure.
40 years it took to finally diagnose my husband. Now I wonder what I could have done with this information back then.
He would always ask me questions about something and then condemn me for my answer, even if I was just being honest.
Yes, "whats wrong, why are you not happy?" Or you dont tell them, knowing you'll get attacked for sharing. Both options you get yelled at for
Oh so familiar!
@@phalinimcleod8819 hope you are not with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 thanks for reading my comment. Dr Ramani and others on UA-cam as well as friends who have been in similar relationships to mine have helped me to finally face the fact that yes, I have been living with a narc for forty years. Just knowing is somewhat liberating. And having an internet family of fellow survivors is also encouraging and soul-satisfying. Thanks again for your reply.
@@phalinimcleod8819 you are welcome my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
I’ve been baited when I had my guard down- and when the narcissist flips on you? All it took was 1/2-second lickety split, andthen full on chaos!!! No one can be prepared for it unless you are lIterally saying to yourself “Narcissist amongst us, Narcissist amongst us” over and over in your head. Like Double-Dutch, they slip in and, honestly, it’s the freakiest thing to be in the mist of the evil when it happens. Thank goodness I’ve only had one to deal with in my whole life, but one is ENOUGH.
Oh my goodness, this is my life for 9 years. Uses my family against me, and insults my family, threatens me with "telling on me", threatens to folliw me (and has), knows my weakness and attacks. I now have a serious heart condition, overweight and financially drained. Thank you, I found this channel and have binge watched all day. Now I realize the "cost" of myself this has done. Going to take advice and work on getting control of my response and getting away.
Yup. They literally pour gasoline all over you, and then stand back flicking lit matches in your direction. When you explode you look like the hysterical one.
Yeah, no, I’m not playing anymore, mom.
I see what you are saying. They can be so good at manipulation. In my experience, even if I kind of expect it to get burned after validating and trusting them I deny it. And I get burned again.
P S. unless you have burns all over after being doused with gasoline , the word "literal" is misused here.
@@j.s.1816 I suppose I meant they ignite a psychological flame leading to reactive rage. Which can quite literally be seen as hot spots lighting up with increased activity in the thalamus and limbic parts of the brain on FDG-PET scan. Thalamus is the seat of emotions and the limbic system is our fight or flight (freeze or fawn) system.
They literally bait you with triggers that light your brain on fire. I have limbic ADHD (likely a result if complex childhood trauma of emotional incest). Fascinating stuff. ✌🏽
I’m not playing w my mom anymore either.👋🏿seeeeee ya
This is a perfect description of what it feels like to be in relationship with a narcissist. It’s so hard to describe to people. Thank you.
You accurately described my last interaction with my narc sister before she stopped speaking to me. Antagonistic, evil witch. She tried after years of not speaking to come back like nothing happened. I am happily no contact with her.
She got me so worked up once I had a meltdown. I don't even recall what it was over, I just remember repeating the words 'I don't know' over and over and crying. Instead of holding, reassuring, maybe even recognising I was being traumatised, she pulled out her phone to film me, and then threatened to show my family that I was crazy. I endured 16 years of that until I discovered this channel, and still took me another year to finally break the cycle, and leaving her for good. 6 months on now, and we're back to the hoovering/ love bombing stage. I'm stronger now. Still challenging at times, but I know I can't and won't be going back this time.
You can do it !!
Oh...I had that similar experience, so sick, so sick. I am so sorry you went through that.
Oh my god
OMG filming you that’s a whole new level non-empathetic, I’m so sorry. Keep on surviving and hopefully thriving too.
Hearing your story I’m having bad flashbacks. I remember that final day having a meltdown too where I sat and cried and I do remember repeating that I don’t even feel safe in my own home anymore over and over again. She tried to film me to to say I was the crazy one. This was after she threaten my life. It shows you how dangerous these people can be. I’m so much happier now that I’m on my own. I can’t believe how depressed I had become from her constant negativity and gaslighting. She was the master of lies and manipulation and I saw through all that and that’s why I became the bad guy to her. So she used our friends and family as enabler‘s to play the victim role. So sad, these kind of people need a lot of help.
@@Freedom-Fighter1 sorry to hear you had to go thru all that. Hope you're fully outbid the woods now. We've been done for nearly 8 months and her manic pursuit between lovebombing and abuse are relentless.
This one hit home for me, as a kid I realized that my step mother enjoyed getting a reaction from me so I became more emotionally reserved. That's when the abuse started getting worse, sleep deprivation was an effective tactic she found to push me to break. The gaslighting that would follow as I would cry was terrible, she would tell my dad that I was sick and needed help saying that she knew better because she was going to school for child psychology.
I often do the "crazy" traumatized narc victim laugh when you make certain points. I am not ok right now, but I have somehow been able to endure and hold my head high. Must be all the work on myself I've been doing in the last year, healing childhood trauma and becoming significantly more self aware and independent.. The very thing that has made my narc squirm and eventually made the mask fall COMPLETELY off and start out for blood.
Sometimes narcissist insinuate themselves in your lifes when a tragedy happens. You're grateful at first they were there for you but you soon see it was a ploy.
This is so true. The word insinuate is spot on. They love to manoeuvre themselves centre stage when all those heightened emotions are flowing for them to feed off of... Sick bastards. I maintain that the whole Dracula franchise came about as a story analogy of Narcs.
Know that.
Their generosity it's a bank loan, they will ask for the money back plus interest
Narcissists like a reaction. So your advice about not giving one is great. Never doubt your worth....they will try everything to break you down and doubt your value. Don't let them! Stay strong!
It works. Did this a few weeks ago and he went berserk. Said he had a bad feeling like if I was manipulating him. It was classic. Cut him off the same night after he straight out told me to "shut the f*ck up". That was the last straw.
Yes yes yes yes. I was quiet, calm, distant just to protect myself and she just kept at it
Going no contact is the best thing ever. Usually story - heart broken from betrayal and deceit from family members and 'friends'. Alone, sometimes lonely, but working towards healing. I've stopped falling for the hoovering back to be baited.
Gaslighting from my narc when I get upset: "I sense that you have a deep seeded root of bitterness based on imaginary offences" ~ that's crazy-making right there!
@CG : run !
It will only get worse from there.
My mom says something VERY similar.
Get away now no matter how strong you are you will start to believe them
He’s literally describing himself 🙂
They know your weak spots sonvif you don't know about gaslighting it can make you seriously insane
My Narc sister sent me a message last week that could have wiped the floor with my mind
It was TEXTBOOK gaslighting
So I just cut contact - I'm sad but so glad I don't have all that mind fuck and unkindness to deal with any more
If I don't see her again it will be too soon
"Im sorry you feel that way" was one of the best phrases that helped me get through my own experience with a family member like this and "grey rock". They are psychic vampires and they essentially just want your energy.
“Bitch, you thought.”
What is interesting is your apologies to them become just like this when enablers want to force u to apologize.
Holy shit,
@@josuemc93 dear lord this is dad
That’s a good phrase, thanks for sharing!
Dear Dr Ramani,
I just happened to listen to this segment after my 92 year old Mom
Definitely bated me on my way home from work.
I have lived with this broken relationship all of my life.
I ended the call calmly but went home and wept and screamed….
I’m in so much pain. I really do love my Mom but I have started to step away in my relationship with her as well as my brother and sister-in-law.
This tears me apart but I’m finally making some stronger boundaries involving how I will be treated.
I’ve have counseling over the past couple years but I seem to have reached a new plateau in my pain.
Thank you for helping me to see what is really going on.
@Jayne Thorne...If it helps at all, I gather, after years of observations that most family dynamics are dysfunctional and psychologically sick.
Ach Dr Ramani!!!!!! This is the way I fell for it. This is exactly what happened the last day he discarded me. He underestimated me once more that morning, and i went outrageous!!!! I couldn't take on me all that names he called me. I menaced him, as if I were the worst human being, as if I were a mad woman. I went out of myself like a volcano and all that in front of his parents. I feel very frustrated of me losing myself and my temper like that. I cannot forgive myself so easily for that. That was exactly the case. Baiting... So, what I have lived has a name!!!! What a frustration, what a depression!!!!! How unfortunate!!!! I didn't feel well in my shoes for a long time since then!!!!! And these are exactly the words he used. "I was the one, who was at fault, and he would only take the blame for escalating the situation". I am so happy that I have found you and listening to all these you are educating us!!!!!! You are a treasure and a hope Dr Ramani!!!!!
I've finally realized who really has the power in any form of relationship with a narcissist.....WE DO ! Once we educate ourselves and learn how fragile their ego is, how low their self esteem is, how immature they are ...we can no longer choose to feed them what they need.
For me, that's when I was discarded and replaced and it is a blessing in disguise. They don't change. It's who they are for life ! Small, frightened little beings.
Deborrah Oliveri Yes. Like the matrix! They want the lifestyle of living in a womb
Guess who just got that wolmb
That is IF and when they discard you... However, some are unrelenting and cannot be ignored. Especially, if they are colleagues or if you have kids with them. These endless attempts at necessary interactions are exhausting and do make you feel powerless...
A shrewd person is practical and clever, sound in judgment and sharp in perception, judicious and prudent, discerning and wise. He is neither devious nor manipulative. “Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge,” states Proverbs 13:16. Yes, shrewdness, or prudence, is a desirable trait when dealing with abusive people.
@@lastnamefirst9423 I love this.
When I start feeling confused in any relationship I immediately get that little vibe that something is wrong with this situation and I really observe the actions of the person I'm dealing with.
You are so spot on. They are so good at blaming you, criticising you all the while doing outrageous things as everyone is looking at you.
Me2, I started listening to my gut.
That's a good one to remember.
Rick: they are toxic sick twisted dark people. Like the devil in disguise (in public) as an angel, then just acts like the devil at home or in the car when no one is around including texts. Very poor prognosis that they will ever change - usually they are beyond help.
It becomes worse when it is the person who raised you. Finally put boundaries but still, she tries to reel me back in and Dr. Ramani nailed it with her examples.
this has been happening my entire life and im only now figuring it out at age 41. it feels so validating to know i am not the crazy one like i was so often accused of being. thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me to heal and end the cycle of falling prey to this phenomenon over and over again. there is so much power in knowing ahead of time what to expect. they must really get off on catching us in our most vulnerable moments which can and usually does throw us totally off guard.
It's so true. They are anger energy vampires
Due to lack of self esteem. If only I knew then what I know now.
Yea they need to get jumped out back
We can pray for them
Imagine how they must feel if they make others feel that negative energy
@@ycannette1 ççç
In the year before I left, I was still struggling to "fix" the relationship, and would try very calmly to discuss our issues, being as rational and understanding as I could be--but he would twist and invalidate my words, shift blame onto me, deny anything he didn't like, gaslight me, and poke and poke--and I'd struggle to stay calm, but little by little I'd get terribly frustrated, until I'd finally be in helpless tears. At which point he'd declare "you're too upset, I can't talk to you like this" and walk out. I had no idea that was actually his objective until I saw this video.
I hear ya, she told me let's have a discussion or talk if someone feels offended or hurt right? so I'd be honest; say things like "okay, what you said kind of hurt my feelings" or I feel this or that way, I'd try to be civil and have a discussion she'd flip and say its all over, it wont work! its the end! I'm like were just having a discussion here? why are you catastrophic? and the day before I had to walk away, I said "I am sorry it didn't work out".. her response was a personal attack on my character, is that really your final words? insulting me? glad I left
This happens every time. You cannot fix anything with these people.
Wow, my ex did exactly the same! He always felt "attacked" even with a calm voice. He was very argumentative. Glad I left when I did.
exactly and it isso fucking frustrating makes me want to pull my hair
Completely relate. I knew something was wrong when trying to have legitimate healthy and balanced communication constantly left me feeling confused and like others have pointed out like I was "going crazy" it is their game. They cannot do healthy communication. And they make it everyone else's problem and abuse in response to that. They punish you for healthy communication. There is no conclusion, ever. And they'll blame you for not having reached said conclusion. Crazy making is the word and its definitely true.
I just have to say, you are a wonderful person. The way you never victim shame, but instead validate and support is surprisingly rare.
I had a narcissist gaslight me at the table in front of the wife, then after all done, he asked me isn't there anything you have to say ?
I got up from the table, NO. Thank you for letting me stay over for a few days. I will be out by Sunday.
He looked like a FLAT TIRE. ( so what). I was not going to be baited)
A normal human being with normal emotions can never imagine and get to realize the toxic vindictive mind of the narcissist whose all his interest and goal in life is to viciously emotionally evoke other people's vulnerable emotions and get the most gratification of :winning them over . Shocking
This woman must have eyes in my house because she just described my relationship in great detail.
Mine too. Because they aren't there. Its just demons running everything because there is a coward in there. A broken child I will continue to pray for. And run from in equal measures. When I listened to the descriptions the first time I almost threw up. It's shocking to be woken up. I am grateful for it. I have this memory of feeling happy and being cheerful and people telling me I am cheery. But it's a memory. God gave us hope and I hope tomorrow is the day I feel it again. As today was the day I cried and packed his things and my stepdaughters things after 10 years. I told him how he was acting every day for a month. He then ignored me for a month except to swear and name call me. And I got 1 phone call from him saying he is coming to get his $%it and hang up. He hasn't even read the message I sent him. I'm obliging him now. And I thank God for removing the oppression I was smothered in. God bless us all and my poor neglected stepdaughters in Jesus name Amen.
All narcissist are exactly the same. That is why she knows what we experience.
I said exactly the same in another video😲
@@sandrapisarski6597 Understood, but I really believe that many people have these traits of narcissists because of our self absorbed ungodly society. They are not changing their ways. The people are following after powerful truly narcissistic people and so you can expect them to pick up the traits, even if they aren't pathological.
I don't believe my person I'm dealing with is pathological but she is like a covert narcissist. She baits, stonewalls, and gaslights me but I really hope she's just immature.
That's you q to get the fyck...OUT that TOXIC HOUSE 🏠👹🤡👺👺👻☠☠☠☠☠💀👿😈🤬😠😡💩💩💩💩💩
This is so important. When my ex became physically abusive, I always knew to let someone know. I give much mom Credit for this knowledge because of what she went through. Always let someone know. I have run out of my house to alert neighbors, called law enforcement. And if you fo call law enforcement, press charges. Don't back down! It only gets worse when this abuse begins, never better especially if you don't follow through.
This exactly what my mother has done her whole life. It's like she's trying to torture me. I moved away and stayed away and kept our relationship at a superficial level on the advice of a therapist although I kept in regular contact because I was the dutiful daughter - but now I wish I had gone no contact, because now she's 85 and needs assistance and I stepped up only to become the scapegoat (again) and target of her blame and everchanging demands.
I would love if more therapists could be direct with their clients when they see this happening and explain the kind of mess they are in.
Right ?! This makes me so angry. My therapist wants me to "figure it out on my own" and I suffer so much unnecessary stuff because they refuse to tell me beforehand !
Every therapist I've ever been to in the past has been a complete and utter waste of time and a copay. Nobody wants to help you they just want to collect the money and keep you coming back time and time again while you sit there and talk the entire session with out them offering any concrete advice
My narcissistic abuser sibling is a psychologist now.
I just stopped seeing a therapist, the longer it went on the more it was obvious she has lots of narcissistic traits. I feel disappointed with myself for falling into the same narc trap again! I wasn't expecting a therapist to be that way.
Best explanation of what is really happening
Dear Dr. Ramani,
Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how important it is to hear that having a reaction to "baiting" is a natural and normal response. This is indeed where the narcissist is at their demonic height; they make you feel crazy for being normal, while they are not!
God bless you for the impact you are making and the lives you are changing with these videos!
"they're experts in exploiting & in causing chaos".
That hits hard bc its so true.
These people love exploiting our vulnerability.
They thrive in chaos.
Our best defense...
Get out.
Once you know, you go.
U get out n u stay out.
Thanks Dr Ramini. N a huge Thank you for your gaslighting workshop. That helped me sooo much to enforce my boundaries n needs for safety. 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you are amazing, and honestly, I don't think it would be possible to navigate daily life without being able to reference your advice and videos. Please know how incredibly important you are to so many. 💖
When love bombing doesn't work they become vicious. When being viscous doesn't work they cry and beg. When that doesn't work they finally give up but it takes a very long time. True time line of a real event.
RhymeOfTheAncient Sub-Mariner if everything doesn’t work they start smear campaigns with ur close friends
@@thabidlamini6598 you're spot on because that's the viciousness I'm talking about
I'm in the and cry and beg phase now. He will NOT leave me alone. Unfortunately, I have to play nice right now cause I need to bring our dog to me.
If that doesn't work, they may give up for awhile... But then they come back and start the cycle all over again. Over and over and over. It's all they know how to do it seems.
This video triggered my anxiety. Flashbacks!...It made my stomach turn.
The epitome of evil!
Rebecca Buschhorn Yup it made me recognize the behaviors as *abuse*
Rebecca Buschhorn Yes! It was..😢
Me too the examples are so accurate. They act like 3 year olds in grown adults bodies. I am currently separated from my ex and this is helping to remind me what I hated about our relationship.
@Rebecca Buschhorn pretty much it in a nutshell. i wish you the best my friend.
Same here! I want to listen and learn. In the beginning,, my anxiety would kick in, my hands would tremble! Better now, cuz I know better !!!
Dr. Ramani. Saving lives, one viewer at a time.
Thank you so much for all the insights. Cutting off a narc sister after all I have learnt on your channel is so liberating! Hallelujah!
Thank you for this video. I nearly gave in but I stopped myself. Watching this video shows me what she tried was baiting. I’m glad I know better now.