The insults you hear in a narcissistic relationship
Вставка
- Опубліковано 14 сер 2021
- SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM: doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Never justify, explain, defend, or overshare with a narcissist
NO NEVER EVER.
…This! 👏
That gets challenging when a Narc is your boss. Sometimes you need to explain your work or ideas. You just have to keep it as neutral as possible.
Just be captivating audience Listen 👂🏻 80% talk bs 20% and then escape
BTDT. Never again.
To a narcissist you can never have any issues with them. They take any criticism as an insult then tell you you're the problem
I see you've met my mother. And sister. I thought I was adopted for awhile but we look too much alike. I am, however, the smart one. 😆
Any criticism I gave mine was responded to by a rage response.
This is 💯 legit
This so much
Yes!!!
Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they'll tell everyone how they helped you.
When I visited my narcissistic mother I never told her anything except the most mundane things because she’d own it and brag or use it against me. She really didn’t know me after awhile. Then I realized that she really didn’t care who I was as a separate person. 😢
Sooooo True
So true
Sounds familiar!... Greetings from Canada!... 🍁
Dutt'n matter they could talk until their heart's content. Get indifferent, live, be happy. ❤
PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.
❤
But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you're introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!
OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to.
Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don't.
It will never stop
@@anitaarya1451 no but at least there are those of us who have come to that conclusion so forewarned is forearmed💗
When they're insulting you they are self projecting their own inadequacies to control and keep you down. Keep calm and escape
Great reminder. Thank you.
…This.
Couldn’t agree more 💯
@@kconnolly6763 Yes indeed.
This is true. My narcissist used to tell me I was worthless for years finally I got tired of hearing it and kicked him out of the house he then started telling Me I should kill myself. One month later he killed hisself left a suicide note saying he was worthless....very sad
The difference between a joke and an insult is that in a joke both sides are laughing, in an insult they are laughing at you.
Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they don’t and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesn’t exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.
Yep. She went to Harvard
It’s put down humor, and it’s mean.
I call it the "mean girl' laugh...that contemptous "everyone LOOK we have a victim over here that is less than us" laugh..
my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit's effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can't take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters...she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said "OH MY GOD that's so RANDOM!!'. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with "We were just having family fun, don't make it something it's not" I explained that I didn't just make it up...I read a actual study from Taiwan...and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn't apropos of the topic at hand....
I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.
Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, it’s all my fault.
I read comments all day and I wept reading yours. I remember telling him my trauma and suffering of brain surgery stroke poverty and some toxic relationships. He looked in my eyes and said I will never do that too you. He ended up doing more harm to me than any single person ever has. The grief and despair of that really is so difficult. Hugs to you ❤
Oh yes so true 😢
Exactly. I didn't know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it.
My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I'm just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it's modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I'm wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble.
Even after 5 months of no contact I'm still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I'm scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn't fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual.
I'm afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don't know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can't even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won't return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison
So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don't want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you.
I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don't want the trauma drama.
Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancé 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.
Same. 💕
"Healthy relationships do not involve insults."
Healthy relationships do not have hurts or mistakes that leads to insults
Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time - it's done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.
@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that's the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that's why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.
"Insults are the love language of the narcissist". Wow. SO TRUE.
It's so warped that it's kinda hilarious😆
Tell you horrible things then want your body
@@BLIQUEMIST26 unless it's your mom and then perhaps it's emotional incest
@@BLIQUEMIST26 🎀This! 👆. 🎀
I swear his insults were the most horrific insults I’ve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: “In your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someone…”
The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You'll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It's hard.
You can be sure if you set (know) your own boundaries.
I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .
Narcissist can destroy you. You’ll look back and wonder how you could’ve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because you’re a failure. Don’t listen to the scripting they gave you. It’s time to be brave in your own story again.
Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I'm not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I'm the one being the narcissist...
@@cmontygman if you are empathic to others and are happy to please, you are certainly not the narcissistic kind
And when they insult, they say “I am just honest person and being honest to you”
When a narcissist insults you and you say “hey wtf?!” they say oh you’re too sensitive or get over it or I was just kidding. A friend says “I’m sorry”
So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one “I’m sorry.” Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.
Yes I used to get 'oh I was just joking'...to me jokes are supposed to be funny.
And call you crazy for having emotionas
My husband does this a lot :-(
I always get “you’re too sensitive,” but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse.
Always tells me to shut up if I’m expressing my frustration because he doesn’t want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like he’s upset and tries to make me feel bad for him.
I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment.
When I called him on it he did what I said above.
I’ve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut I’m still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says “when are you going to get over that? It was nothing.”
So here I am. Living across the world with someone I don’t feel emotionally safe with but I can’t leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money.
This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels.
Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. You’re not alone!
After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don't trust people and I am super isolated.
Give yourself time to heal. As they say, it's better to be alone than to wish you were.
Go easy and forgive yourself- the rest will come with time. Godspeed to you
Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it's affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet... i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..
Shauna, I've been there and I'm still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don't let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior 🕴️
Omgoodness…me too!
I’m actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again.
Therefore, little chance of finding….or even looking…for another relationship.
I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me.
I’m sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that I’m damaged beyond repair. 😢
My husband loved to say I never contributed to the marriage after 22 years together, and 2 children. He always did his best to trigger an angry response so he could point me out to be crazy.
My ex husband did the exact same thing to me for 12 years. I feel your pain and I’m sorry you went through that.
Mine did as well and it has been almost five years trying to divorce him because he has spent all his time energy and money punishing me for calling him out in his bad behavior, mistreatment and abuse which he says I caused and deserve. He is evil in every single sense of the word. I would not want to be him for the karma and rather if God that is already in his life and is actively bringing justice (finally) to myself and our son. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and that you have peace, hope and the self love that will bring you the amazing things God has for you!
Thank you Dr. Ramani! You do Gods work, you save, and you heal us, and we will never forget how you helped us in the hardest, most frightening fight for our very lives!! May God bless you beyond measure for all you do!!
I read your book “Should I Stay or Should I Go” in 2003. This enabled me to escape the narcissist husband after 25 years. It took me many years to get past it, and my health improved at least 50%!
Good for you!... 🗽 - Greetings from Canada! - 🍁
Omg I bought that book too!!! I didn’t realize it was Dr Ramanis book. Unfortunately all these years later I am still trapped with my narc.
“The insults have an edge.” YES! It is never a “joke” or said in a light hearted manner. It’s a weapon used to break down victims/get them to submit.
Old saying: men give insults and don't mean them and woman give compliments and don't mean them.
Exactly
Agreed 👍.
And that's why you walk AWAY and NEVER look back!! NEVER!!
My narcs insults are assault weapons honed to a very sharp edge and intended to cut my jugular ....
When we learn to emotionally detach, we can start to observe how hollow and empty a narcissist's insults are, much like the narcissist himself/herself. They say more about the narcissist's insecurities than about anyone else.
So very true.
Fact!!
The depths they will go to create as much emotional damage as possible
The problem with narcs is their skill for finding your weakness and going in for the kill at every opportunity. It's like a death by a thousand cuts...Also their ability to move in for the kill when they think you're at your weakest.
Case in point: I was sick with the flu, my gf came over to see how I was. She opened a video on my laptop about how people learn (why she thought this was a good idea when I was sick is beyond me) and when I said I tend to learn by doing. NO NO NOOOO you're NOT. YOU learn by watching!!! Umm I'm 55 years old, I've been learning new things the whole time, I should know how I learn...NO NO NO YOU DON'T.....(among other things) I eventually asked her to leave. lol.
Then there was the time I'd just gotten home from my father's funeral out of town, she came over to console me (I guess) and proceeded to start not one, but TWO arguments with me. Again, I asked her to leave. "I don't need this right now".
Pretty women adore the narcissist grande
Having been raised by a narc mother who insulted me constantly, I thought that was normal. It took me years to learn that it is not.
Me too. And I believed her insults. I’ve had to unlearn them and it’s taken years.
@@lillianbarker4292so proud of you for that.. I haven’t and I’m 60 this year.. I still believe that I’m stupid and no wonder I can’t keep a man 😅
@@daisyroots8926 I found a man who worked with special needs middle school kids. He really helped me emotionally. It’s not too late to find love, though he may not be handsome. 🥰
Same here and I found an account from a teacher who was coaching me extra who was coaching, asking the headmaster to « diplomatically » speak to my mother and ask her that I don’t go home on week ends because it was taking me half the school week to get myself together ……..which made me nogo for schoolwork.
Everyone in the extended family was happy to look the other way just to have their peace……which ended up being at my emotional cost with the perk of on top of it of feeling guilty.
Who ever might me the abuser……..RUN !!! You will find friends who become your family….a better one…..maybe a spouse, but do not jump in with that one. Someone who genuinely loves you, will give you time. Do not bow to….if we had a child it would make things better…..the ultimate death trap.
„contempt is the death of a relationship
insults are a primary means of comunicating that contempt“ … I had to write that one down. thank you dr. ramani 🙏
A relationship with a narcissist will never survive if the victim finds self love. I’ve realized that. They will go to great lengths to stop you any way they can.
The true goal of the narcissist in any relationship is simply to feed off the victim. Should the victim ever rise, speak the truth, and demand change, the narcissist's end game becomes to utterly obliterate the victim.
@@vnrjn8 A weakling could never obliterate anyone. Anyone caught in the narcissist’s web should wake up to the truth of how strong they actually are.
They will tell you that YOU are the selfish one if you discard the narc.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER.
That is true. Once I began to feel more confident and happy with myself, this narcissistic bitch tries and tells me that my happiness is 'fake' and that changes like that don't happen that quickly
Cut them off, been happy with life ever since
It is difficult because when you ask them to stop being so critical/ saying unfriendly things, sneer, a conflict starts and then you receive the blame for the conflict.
My ex narcissistic GF can whatever she wants but if I give her example on her, she goes ape shit. She says, "There you go again. You always have to get me back." I'm like what? I'm just giving you an example on how irrational and hypocritical you are...
And the " I'm just kidding " doesn't work after the 50th time, get away ASAP.
I was critical of them, for a good reason. Being critical of someone sounds wrong to many, it sounds like I'm being hurtful.
No. If you punch my friend, I will be "critical" of your behavior and point out the excessive violence. If you ignore me for days to weeks, I will confront you by asking why are you not responding to me. Etc.
Being critical is just questioning something that most people don't question. There is inherently nothing wrong with it, and in fact it is likely something that we all should cultivate to some extent, if not in the form of being self-critical (or self-aware).
Being critical is not bad, being unable to take responsibility and shifting it to those who are innocent is the problem. If you are anti-social, I will criticize you, justly, and you can either take responsibility or escape it and lose me as a friend. Your choice.
@@Minisynapse there are ways to say things . domination through rudeness is not ok.
@@Minisynapse It is not ok to dominate through rudeness.
I got told “You used to look so good” while pointing to a picture of myself when I was thirty. This is when I was fifty. I guess I wasn’t supposed to age. My ex narc husband was wrinkled & losing his hair at the time, but he told me “I deserve a sexy & attractive wife” when he discarded me for his alcoholic girlfriend. She is now in prison for felony dui.
HA! Karmic Return for him!
, we are sure he is looking desperate looking for a new mommy type sexy thing. I’m sure he is going to be worth it to some desperate fool! HahahA
2023: Good for you!... Hoping you get all the help you deserve for your recovery!... 🗽
Bless you!... - Greetings from Canada!... 🍁
When you love someone, they are always beautiful.
Did you say, thanks, you never looked good. *sigh
We were driving in the car with the kids to my mothers house where my brother and his family had just arrived from out of state. I was telling a story to the children and my ex cut me off and said, “why do you move your hands when you talk like that? That is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever seen.“ He couldn’t stand the fact that I was happy I was going to see my family so he had to quash my feelings.He did. I started crying.
Oh my gosh! You reminded me how many times my husband has ruined a family holiday before/during/afterwards! You are right! I guess he didn’t like that these get togethers made me happy. 😢 Oh so many times I cried and the event or memories were ruined.
You just took the words from my mouth
Congrats on the end of your relationship!
My mother unexpectedly died while we went to see his parents, she passed away after us there 2 weeks, few days from flying out. I had to be on the phone alot for 2 days planning everything. His parents were very understanding, consoling me. He said I ruined everyone's vacation. He made sure I missed my own mother's funeral!!!
@@scottiej3716I’m so sorry you had to go through that what an evil person😢
I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, “just kidding around,” is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them.
These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.
You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.
Precisely!!! Exactly this!
It's interesting. In Japanese, shameless people are said as "厚顔” (thick-skinned face).
@@stillaworkinprogress2147 I'd give this comment 100 thumbs up if I could!
So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I'm being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!
You feel with a Narcissist that no matter what you do or say they will always find fault with you.
I really like that she understands that some folks are either not willing or not able to walk away from a toxic relationship like this. I'm frankly tired of the channels that ignore interpersonal, social, and religious realities by always advising, "You can't win. You are going to continue to be miserable. Just walk away". Hearing "if you're stuck in the relationship, here's what you need to do" is incredibly helpful
Definitely! It's very scary to do and most of us would prefer to have a plan before we try so that we don't fail and have to go back. If that happens, the relationship gets even worse than before if the narc has caught on.
okay, I will share some things that improved my daily living before I escaped my ex of thirty one years. At that time, I did not know about narcissism or even the different kinds of abuse. I just thought he was mean. I learned all on my own, to practice reverse psychology with him.
Example: He harassed me for years about cutting off branches of my beloved landscaping plants, just because I found pleasure in their beauty. It occurred to me one day, to tell him, yes, he could go cut branches off. That's okay with me. Guess what? He never touched them and he never harassed me about them again. After that, I began verbalizing the opposite of what I liked or wanted, because I knew it would end better for me that way. If I loved something, he would ruin it or get rid of it. It was safest just to project indifference.
Another example concerns money: While being trapped in a moving car far from home, he would verbally abuse me to tears too many times to count. One day, I just told him if he didn't stop it, I was going to take a taxi home and it was going to cost him a lot of money. I meant what I said, and he knew it, and because money was precious to him, he stopped.
But, overall, it was short term, and I learned it was best to refuse to ride in the same car with him and to drive separately as much as was possible.
Another money example: He secretly broke into my hundred dollar locked rolling book bag/suitcase to spy on my notes from counseling sessions. I feigned ignorance that he was to blame, but loudly complained to him about my case breaking, and how I was now going to have to spend a hundred dollars on another one. I wish I could have a picture of the look on his face when I said that!!! The new case was never broken into. What a shock.
Traveling/flying: When our daughter graduated college, I refused to fly on the same plane with him, or stay in the same hotel room with him. It is best to avoid situations where you are trapped with them. You end up finding ways to protect yourself. I could go on and on. Hope a few ideas help. I was in a Protestant church that did not believe in divorce, so I was shunned after my escape. I am no longer begging God to kill me. I wish you strength, wisdom and safety.
You got it right. thank you. Do not react, remain calm, assert your worth, Detach, Stay on goal, be deceptive, do not give them ammunition, do not be vulnerable.
This so reminds me of my former husband! He would insult me/my body (after bearing him 3 children) while we were getting dressed. The first couple of times he did this, I was dumbfounded, shocked and speechless. The last time this happened, I turned around and said 'well, I wouldn't look twice at you either.' The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, the marriage did not last and I am now free!!!!!!
Kailei. That’s the trouble when you insult them back they can’t take it and it causes a huge fight. Then they gaslight you and say you are abusive. You can’t win!
@@roswb5388 EXACTLY
@Sara K. it’s very hard dealing with these individuals, and they never change.
How do you talk to your children about it? I'm halfway into divorce and my oldest misses him but I just can't...
@@korab.23 my son was 12 when we split. I told him that I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, it was important. That I respected that he loved his dad because he was his dad, and never wanted to interfere with that. I told him I never wanted him to feel he had to choose one over the other or that he was in the middle.
Within the next year, while in the middle of divorcing, my estranged husband committed suicide and it unleashed a whole new level of Hell. I didn't handle it well and was so angry with him for what he did to our kids by abandoning them that way. After 10 years of counseling and 15 years later, I am still working on forgiving him, but it allowed me to set a new household climate and move away from his controlling, authoritative dominion. The kids and I survived, and the son is a kind, loving, caring, non-violent but anxious adult now.
More than you probably wanted to know, but the road is a hard one and so worth it. Don't make excuses for your Ex's behavior, and try not to bash him to the kids. My best to you and your children.
Coffee and Dr. Ramani..............how I start my day
❤I love this! This is how I spend early Sunday's also Coffee with the Doc ❤
Happy Sunday MV Agrippa
Truly
Yes🥰
...with unsweetened almond milk, sitting in my beautiful garden with at least three of my children (beloved pet hens) snuggled in my arms. Wild bird friends all around!
What better way to arm myself for the abusive workplace (all male narc crew), than love, beauty and a dose of Dr. Ramani.
Same here!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I wanted to say thank you for creating these videos. My partner and I both exhibit narcissistic qualities and we use your videos to recognize them and correct them, in doing so we better ourselves and remove the toxic qualities from our marriage.
That’s great that you both are open to accepting accountability, being vulnerable enough with one another to admit your personal shortcomings, changing, and growing together.
Contempt is a death of relationship. What a great advice! I'll teach that to my children.
Yep. I'm lazy, I'm fat, I don't know how to dress, I'm not smart, I'm not sane. Its funny that nobody else describes me that way.
Same thing here. This went for years with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was the only person ever to say hurtful things like. But when I’m out and about or at work it was exactly the opposite. The funny thing was the before we entered into the relationship he was one of the ones that complimented daily and went out of his way to do so. But shortly after we began dating he became a monster!!! Insulting me and berating me for no reason at all. But I noticed that all insults and berating was about his own insecurities. He was referring to himself but used it on me to torture me because he was tormented in his head.
@@jacquelynhaas8184 you better believe he’s lying!!!! It’s a trap to keep you in a state of despair!! All because of his own self hate!
Exactly. The narc is the ONLY one that apparently sees all these terrible qualities in you.
Lol I was lazy and messy despite working 2 jobs 7 days a week, a bitch, have too many problems and nobody wants to deal with my nonsense, need to get over myself, selfish, greedy, fat, and just a terrible person overall 😂
@@Musicandlyrics2400 wow! It’s insane! What miserable people living in there head!
The insult wrapped in a criticism, followed by a "you're so sensitive", that's the narcissist's main course that they like to dish out.
I love too answer them on that one.if you weren’t so narcissistic I wouldn’t be so sensitive 😂
…They think they’re being slick, but they’re not. 😐
I hear this all the time as well as you need to not to take things to personal
'Dont take this the wrong way, but...' - 'I don't mean to upset you, but...' - 'Everything is okay, but...' - all straplines indicating that criticism, insult and belittling will follow, usually with a serving of word-salad.
@@clogs4956 Yep, those word salads they use-- when they came from my former covert narc, they were NEVER healthy salads, that's for sure!
Just got out of a 6 month thing with a narc. I'm realizing now he insulted me often but would disguise it as a joke. It started to feel normal after a while. Very glad i got out. 🙏🏻
Thinking of Pink Floyd's album Animals, the song Dogs..some of .the lyrics are : "you have to be trusted by the people that you lie to, so that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put the knife in." That whole song is a perfect description of the narcissist.
greatt song- my fav on that album
My mum always insulted me and I used to think it was just an “Indian culture” thing but my husband stood up for me as he always always hated it when I didn’t speak up or just brush it off. Than they started saying he was a bad person and played me and him against each other. We shut them out and now are happy as we don’t deal with any family members.
Good for you
Growing up, my parents also likes to insult & gaslight us. When I went for Uni I found that everything they say was a lie & never trust them again
Fantastic!
Good for you!
seems insults in "Indian culture" are a common occurrence. The women in my life have insulted, by this definition, the men in their lives. Now, I'm not even sure if it counts as insults or if I'm over reacting. Insults. "Your fault" are quite a staple in all relationships (not just Indian), I thought, till I saw these channels - but I still have a feeling that it's just an Indian thing, and not really abuse of any kind.
My family of origin is caucasian (white/European) and I called it the "Three Act Play". Act 1: "I know everything." Act 2: "You know nothing." Act 3: "Here are all the other ways that you are a terrible person that have nothing to do with the original topic/controversy". Once it started up, I knew exactly where it was going. I married a South-East Asian and our life is so much better than the example I had growing up. I don't think its because you're family is Indian.
The favourite narcissistic's thing: insulting, pretending it's a joke if we said we feel hurt, telling us we're too sensitive if we insist it doesn't feel like a joke, and telling us we're complicated if we insist we're not insensitive. And it goes on and on until the narcissist escape accountability for the initial words.
I would have to add that there is a lack of empathy/sympathy when we tell them that it hurts
Truth 💯
I just discontinue contact. People like this don’t deserve an explanation. These are the people that deserve to be ghosted. And quite frankly, it’s seems that it’s becoming more common among men and on the rise in general
and the old "I never said that" routine.
@@senoracheapee1864 Definitely
I didn’t even realize I was not hearing half of what my parents spoke to me until my wife pointed it out. I just subconsciously blocked it out. Endless insults are poison to your soul.
My mother constantly criticized me growing up and continued into adulthood.
Thank you so much for making me further understand the abusive relationship dynamic between my parents as well as the abuse they have done to me. What feels hurtful is hurtful. We don’t need to over analyze or over think to justify their abuse.
I can't tell you how many times I heard "get over it" when I objected to verbal abuse. To anyone in this kind of toxic relationship, get out. People don't change, and you deserve better.
Yeah mine would do this
MEN HAVE NO 💜 HEART STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEM! THEY DON'T NEED TO BR IN RELATIONSHIP S
I ended a 5 year a few months back. Greatest choice I've ever done
So true. I hate when people tell me "You need to learn to forgive." or the same thing with "people change." attached to that because I spent my whole life (over 40) being treated very poorly and know that people don't actually change, they just get better at their crappy ways and if they can't they will move on to their next victim/s.
Here's my massive problem with forgiving:
The people who have bad tendencies toward others no matter how little or big now have an open door to be however they want toward you because they know they can get away with anything until you snap back but they know you are expected to forgive and until you do, for some strange reason most people look at you as the bad one. They always do it to nice people who then get a bad rep for not forgiving someone.
Makes it hard to want to spend my time on people because no matter how nice I am or what I do for people, they always expect me to just let people be nasty to me or I am the problem.
I was subjected to " get over it " too - it's painful
“Insults are the love language of narcissists.” You put it so well, Doc. I cannot agree more living through that my whole life
oooh . . . yes, i was taught that you only insult people you know well becuase they will know its a joke and you dont mean it.hmm
Yas, exactly. When she said that, it was like a slap to the very core of me. Very eye opening..
Ya that line hit me as very familiar and caught my full attention.
What has happened to this world we live in? I hadn’t even heard of the terminologies
‘narcissist’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘love bombing’ etcetera until 5yrs ago and I’m a 52yr old. What I was aware of was the SM@RT @SS PUT DOWNS by my INSIDIOUS MOTHER.
I had a Covert Narcissist as a mother who imo is Demonic and a father who was a violent alcoholic BUT SHE WAS the one who would set things up so I, being the oldest and most athletic, would cop the most VICIOUS HIDINGS FOR A LITTLE 9yr old girl.
IT CHANGED MY SOUL AND I’VE SEEN NUMEROUS COUNSELLORS ET AL BUT ALL THEY DID WAS TELL ME I SUFFERED PTSD, CHRONIC DEPRESSION, AND A PEOPLE PLEASER.
Odd thing is my mother attends a Pentecostal church!
VILE CREATURE WHO DESTROYED MY FAMILY.
P.S. What mother sits in the car after her 5yr old is put in the boot of a f’g car by her father because when we were children we suffered car sickness and my sister was sick? A MOTHER WITH DEMONS IN HER SOUL.
Agreed! I could never connect my relationship to a narcissist to these videos but that one sentence single-handedly put two and two together and now I’m CERTAIN I’m in a relationship with a narcissist.
I'm the youngest of 8 and I am in my late 50s. I finally am understanding narcissism in my siblings. When my mother had her final massive heart attack and a few of my siblings witnessed it and then they attempted to describe it in a humorous way, complete with acting out the rolling back of her eyes, it traumatized me to the point I can never forget that. And even with all that, I attempted to form relationships with all of them for 25 years until a couple of years ago. I had enough and it's the best thing I ever did.
2023: Some families are really getting into 'disturbed & disturbing' dynamics in terms of normal relationship.
Glad to know that you did the right thing as to stay away & focusing on who you are at your best. 💎
Your comment is a Blessing for everyone dealing with similar situations... - Regards.
Some insults my older, identical twin sister said to me (when we were already adults):
“You’re the ugly, fat one!”
“You’re just a copy of me!”
“You’re SO jealous of me!”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t really love you - he’s actually in love with ME!”
Being discarded by her, especially after physical abuse coupled with the verbal and emotional, was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I am a fraternal twin and have a twin brother, so luckily, as a woman, I never had to compare my looks to my twin. However, my twin is a cerebral narcissist that physically and psychologically abused me when we were teenagers and I cut him off a decade ago. Best move I ever made for my emotional health.
This is crazy
The “kind” insults are the worst. I babysat for my “ex-boss”
She was constantly “complimenting me” but for some reason I NEVER felt good after. 90% of the time her compliments made me want to cry or get mad.
But they were worded so “sneaky” that I could never confront her. I would sound crazy.
I ended my job and very vaguely mentioned how I didn’t like how she treated me and I was done with her passive aggressive statements. She said
“I’m sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insults”
So gaslighting me was her last words.
a pro! wow
@@darrinsiberia what do you mean by they need help ?
@@sethlewis8262 Probably psychiatric help.
Good thing you listened to your intuition. Easier said then done. But YOU DID IT! :)
She was threatened by you you shouldn’t have left
What baffles me is how quickly he would turn from someone who was calling me beautiful, amazing and loved to calling me crazy,whore and bitch. Sometimes less than 24 hours. I decided to get off the crazy train a while ago but having trouble totally letting go. I think I've just been totally traumatized by the entire experience.
Wish you all it takes to get rid of the manipulations and be free, blessings!
I was called whore, bitch and c*nt by my ex constantly. I finally got sick of it. I looked at him and said " Well, if I'm a whore, bitch and c*nt, why are you with me!!??". He was stunned. I made him think. Unfortunately he raged at me. I just stood there and smirked. He was completely freaked out. I packed my stuff and left the next day.
Of course he raged at/over me when I was packing some last things. He shoved me HARD. I shoved him back. I told him that whatever he does to me physically I would do right back.
I experienced the same thing with a narcissist. We could go from exchanging Christmas presents to him screaming at me about what a “whore” I was in a matter of a couple of hours. It was terrifying.
Karla… you deserve better, you deserve to be called beautiful and amazing but without being called all the awful unhealthy names… don’t look back…
I am so traumatized by the word whore because of my abusive ex. He must have called me a whore almost daily
"You kids will never amount to nothing" words spoken by a malignant narcissist with an eighth grade education.
I’m so glad I’m out of my last relationship. All of my interests, my goals, my ideas and opinions were wrong and shot down through insults. It made me feel like a child.
At the end when we would get into a conflict I felt like I couldn’t say anything so would sit there unable to say a word. Then he’d get mad I was silent. This threw me into hardly being able to breathe and I’d get a panic attack.
Good times. So glad I’m out.
I feel you, I even started to believe that I needed her input because “I didn’t do anything right”, or “always made the wrong decisions”. I even didn’t know how to do my job according to her. Didn’t know how to clean, cook, drive, work, pack, organize, raise my kids(not her’s), exercise, do laundry, the list goes on. (Petty things, but they ended up in just insults and fights)
Im in that situation 5 years now with my partner
@@jijilynnituma7122 it took me 8 years, so afraid to leave. You get hooked, and even believe that your partner is right and you are wrong, I even doubted my feelings and started feeling guilty for feeling sad or bad. Still am, even feel guilty for leaving.
@@jijilynnituma7122 be strong, listen to your self, and those around you
Thank you for the encouragement. My Narc has lots of supply now.
I spent 20 years in an on /off relationship with a narcissist and he reduced a confident, outgoing me into a complete empty shell of a person. Insults were said with a smile and he gaslighted me so much I thought I was going insane. Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc. I finally came to my senses when his mobile was stolen and the guy who stole it actually texted me to tell me my boyfriend had 3 other women on the go (he could see all the texts/messages). Karma is a b****! Anyway, I dumped his arse and have been happily married to a lovely guy for 14 years. There is hope after such a nightmare.
@Carmen Mac spot the narcissist
@Carmen Mac its you
I lost my spleen because my narcissistic boyfriend beat me. Stay strong and get rid of the narcissist in your life
"Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc". ... sounds EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex they're so linear and predictable.
The kindness of strangers can really assist you sometimes with these devils
With my immediate family who are narcissists, I wouldn't say they give out insults like the typical person. But they don't give compliments or affection either 😕 but then to the outside world, they come as charming and friendly. But behind closed doors, they are cold.
Like you said outside it looks warm and cozy but behind close door it is like inside the fridge
I learned that when compliments come with the right hand that the left hand is about to drive the dagger in my 5th rib.
…Relatable.
Yes they always put on masks for the 📷. Narcs were wearing masks long before this Covid foolishness!
Same here🙄✋
I’ve been surrounded by narcissists my whole life
me too
@@annekerotterdam7499Me three. I also learnt that the term 'empath' is misleading; the right term is codependent. Chronic trauma caused us to be that way; it's not normal or healthy. You can polite or civil, not 'nice'. Be nice to YOU!
Same and I think we all need to work on our boundaries!
Sadly, my ex would call me all the disrespectful names in the book. He also went as far as to disrespect my father and my late mother. Trying to turn me against my whole family. Then say sorry the next day and it became a cycle. Drained my energy and spirit that I have finally let go. It’s feels depressing but liberating at the same time but I know I will get through it.
My friend did that too now deceased I feel I am grieving two separate people
I relate word to word to what you’ve written 😮
"...the contempt they feel for the
people that they need..." That is so
on target!
Fucked up personality
I hold up a mirror… if they say “ you can’t do anything right” I show them who they are by responding “ wow your really negative, and that’s sad” and walk away. What ever they try to project I show them who they are, “ you’re family is really screwed up”, - “ you really enjoy talking bad about other people “ and walk away. Leaves them speechless every time.
Yes.
Scribbling sound as I take notes
projection is such an NPD thing to do.
Ego boundaries penetrated and disregarded in childhood must be built up again in adulthood, but certainly cannot be done with a narcissist.
it's called "name the game". the quickest way to shut up the bully. You don't play according to their rules but instead point out why they do what they do.
Very well spoken! Never let the narcissist tell you who you are.
She never said that lmao
Thank you Dr Ramani, your videos are so helpful.
Also when you talk it feels like getting the emotional compassion i never got as a kid.
Thank you
Dear whoever is reading this, I wish there was a way for everyone to surpass the current obstacles or sadness/ stress and let happiness enter your heart! i truly sense and know you will have a beautiful life ahead of you! Nothing in life is ever easy, but what's important is that YOU keep going!
Youre worthy of love and happiness, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise! I wish all of you plenty of health and strength during these tough times. You are loved, you are strong, you got this! Never forget that!
Sending much Love over from Germany ♥️♥️♥️
Keep sharing your big heart!
Another good one by doctor Ramani that I can completely relate to and really is helpful thank you
Thank you very much. ❤
No matter what happens, I still have life to live, and I'm going to live it well.
❤️
I ended a 10-year relationship when he told me on Easter morning that my three kids "didn't love me." After years of enduring his insults, contempt, gaslighting; emotional and even on occasion physical, abuse, it FINALLY dawned on me in that moment, "This man doesn't love me." We both knew what he said wasn't true (and he later tried to apologize) but the fact that he would ever say something that awful and hurtful to me was the final straw.
He told me , " I swear in a year time your dad will die and none of my relatives will come to the funeral and you will feel humiliated". My sick dad eventually died 3 years after and I left just after that monstruous and hainous declaration. He did exactly what he said, my dad had a befitted funeral and COVID excuse was what I gave as explanation. But I have been so happy since, I have welcome back who I was.
NB: those people are sick, he lost his dad when he was a teenager and my dad loves me so much, maybe envy, who knows? They are mentally sick.
@@annickgladzah2272 Sounds like you and I both had a limit, and their nasty remarks finally exceeded it. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I think, deep down, narcissists are really miserable people.
Samething just happened to me ! He told me my kids dont love and i dont love them and ima bad mom Omg ! Crazy
@@shaisoblue7008 Hope you're not with my ex, LOL! Seriously, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know it really hurts. You deserve so much better.
My parents were struggling to survive and in frustration he called me a slut 27 times and gave a description of how i slept with 10-15 men and I was responsible for my parents' condition and i should f**k my dad and that's why my mom hates me. He cursed my belief system, scarred me for life. Later apologized, begged and asked me to forget everything marry him right away. And I ended then. He kept torturing me, coming back from friends, crashing my home late at night and torturing me will ringing bells at 11 PM. I called his mom and said I am complaining to Police. That's when everything stopped. He even lied and said he was gang raped by men that's why he is broken and needs to fix. (Trust me 3 years or relationship and everytime new abuse, or how his mom poisoned his food, delusional justification after every apology as emotional blackmail). I just walked away and that triggered him . Now I am healing. He crossed the line
As difficult as it is - we are mostly dealing with victims of child abuse. They live in pain until they give up the anger - the permanent solution. Or dump it on you - this week's solution.
Thank you for sharing these videos. I have not been able to find affordable therapy in my life, and I watch these videos and follow quite a few other psychology docs. It really is helping reorganize things in my life. Recognizing the traumas, some I have processed, some I am not sure I ever will.
I just really want to thank you for the help you offer via putting that knowledge out there for us to process and learn from. You are a gift.
They call you idiot, stupid, spoilled brat, immature, crazy, ASH....it is awful, and they don't do it once, they do it over and over again, also accompanied by sarcastic and mean jokes, passive agresive comments, mockery💔 At the same time they claim to love you. It does not make any sense, that's the ultimate gaslighting, confusing💔 Those who truly love you don't treat you like that. Nobody deserves to be insulted, abused.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani💕
Exactly! Every single word applies to me.
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, not easy. Those are words that are very hurful, and they know what they are doing when they use them with us💔. Educational and validating videos like this and all of Dr. Ramani's videos are crucial for healing. We all deserve true love, respect, kindness, empathy, and healthy relationships. Thank you for the reply, I wish you all the best💜
@@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876 you too. Wish you the very best. I am still reeling with what happened to me. Hope you came out before things got worse for you. Or have a plan to come out. 💔
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, I'm out, thank you. It took 9 months to heal, but it is possible. There is hope💜
Same here, exactly as you describe. They'd say they don't do it on purpose and continue doing it. Complete asshole. I'm never again allowing such people in my life. :)
"Don't take things too personal" or "you just can't handle criticism", we've all heard those before. Don't even bother engaging, it's not worth your time. Stay safe and stay healthy.
This was an amazing talk! It also helped me see how I should talk to others. Insults are not in healthy relationships! This is such an educational and caring video to help people who deal with narcissists in their life.
Sometimes they just say nothing, absolutely nothing. You can and never will hear then say you have done a good job.
true!
Absolutely. Dead air. But they will tell others about your achievements so that they gain kudos and claim praise.
My ex was unbelievably ruthless when it came to the insults. He knew my insecurities and just tore into over and over. My weight, how I dressed, my hair, how I did my make-up, even my vehicle, and the color of my nail polish, he hated everything about me.
He would tell me I’m lucky to be with him because he could have his choice of any thin, gorgeous, independent, well educated women he wanted but yet he chose to “slum” with me and I should be grateful for someone as talented and successful as him.🙄
I put up with him for far too long.
Enough was enough. Ended the relationship and went no contact. Never been happier. The peace I’ve experienced after being in a relationship with a narcissist is priceless.
This is my ex-husband. But he alternated these insults with days of putting me on a pedestal for my intelligence and my looks. He was always comparing me with other women and telling me I should dress and act like so and so.
You did well. I cringed reading your comment. Stay no contact 🙂
Trust- he’s much happier!!!
Im so sorry you had to go through thar..I can feel your pain through the screen
That whole put you on a pedestal and then knocking you down! I realized why he had me suspicious and jealous of other women- he was trying to separate me from anyone willing to listen and help. “You’re not like all those dumb --‘s! You x y z!” Absolute red flag.
Everyone has the right to be treated well. Do not let ANYONE take that from you..
I’m so grateful to find this UA-cam.. the insults have been extremely difficult to heal from. It so painful hearing someone you love say such horrible things. I could only take it for two months and left, I couldn’t handle that along with the extreme control, secrets and lies. It’s good to read the comments as well. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and shocked with how far back this has set me.
I’m dealing with this right now. Thanks, for reminding us what’s normal and what is not.
Most of the time, their insults are a projection of who they are or what they do. It's not about us, it's about them!
I've noticed that
Yup
This is the truth. My ex was ranting and calling names and I told him to look in the mirror when he opened his mouth to calm me names. He stopped and had a look on his face as though I had slapped him.
So true , my ex would say , oh stuffing your face again and the funny thing was , the guy ate way more than I did 🙄
"Insults, frankly, our the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissist's need to dominate, coupled with ***the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need***. So, by insulting them, it limits any kind of intimacy and any kind of vulnerability, and also allows the narcissistic person to maintain control, power, and dominance." 🤯🤯🤯
@Callie Maud Yes, this explanation is perfect! It's exactly why they insult us, and why the relationship goes nowhere - and why our gut tells us to leave. People who are genuinely capable of love don't insult their partners! It's as crazy-making as it is heartbreaking.
Exactly like Stockholm syndrome they Hate U
Yeah, that hit something fierce.
@@tashasmith2245 same, my heart sank,.... then seemed to resurface with a new light shining on it. I love these moments :)
This is exactly describes my narcs and how they treat me. EXACTLY.
Dr Ramani is very clear, no mind numbing preludes bf the good stuff. I appreciate all of her insights on sensitive topics.
Thank you for this video, I just realised that my job is not worth it anymore, I'm leaving, I'm not being treated like an emotional punchbag anymore, I am not making my home life miserable anymore because I'm depressed or crying because of what happens at work, thank you so much!!! I literally feel like a weight has been lifted, because this was a decision I couldn't make until I saw this 😊❤
I left two jobs that were full of upper-level narcissists. I had always been harshly reviewed at quarterly interviews, but when I told them I was quitting... Woo-ee! They begged me to stay. I left, and I noticed they've not been able to find anyone to replace me for the past three years. Don't let them abuse you at work. I'm now self-employed and I make a ton less, but I'm so happy not working for hypocrites anymore.
@@mvbigmagic4048 I left that job its difficult to explain but I had two jobs that were connected, (carer) the woman who I worked for bullied me out of that job and she continued and has now lost me my other job, she started putting complaints in about me, telling lies to other bosses, and instead of even coming to me and either asking me to confirm or deny they just sacked me with no notice, so it's now in the hands of my solicitor, I have amassed all text messages voice recordings etc of me being bullied and abused that they didn't know about, now I'm going to kick their ass in court 😉🤣👍
My "aha" moment with my toxic family arrived because of insults. Every time one of my siblings would say something insulting, I would simply say: "Wow, that was really insulting." After a while, one of my sisters said "we always insult you."The others just started laughing.
I just walked out. That was the moment I knew that I had to go no contact.
My father used to call me ugly (to this day, I avoid mirrors and don't have any that aren't pre-installed in the house; I have no ability to evaluate my own looks, but on the 1-10 scale, put myself at a 2). My day of freedom finally came when I simply answered back, "You're fat and your business failed due to your own incompetent mismanagement."
Both parents started yelling.
I have always thought of the perfect reply 6 hours too late. I always sounded flustered and childish. So, I would never have been able to do what you did.
Luckily, I started doing what my parents had always told me to do. I simply would not reply.
All of my Northern California (Kumbaya) therapists had insisted that they were wrong. I went through all of these "role play" sessions to learn what and how to discuss how their insults made me feel. When I came back and told them what my sister had said, they didn't believe me. I must have misunderstood.
That's when I ended contact with them.
💕
Right, because they knew and were conscious of their behavior and comfortable with dumping on you.
I know exactly what you're talking about...Good for you!! 👍👍👍
The one thing I learned from my narcissistic relationships is that I gotta love myself more. Be firm in my truth and not cave. I’m ok with giving up my “man card” or “black card” if it means I get to be myself. I’m choosing me.
What is a man/black card?
Man its crazy how you don’t realize your in this type relationship till it hits you. I trying to find myself as well and love myself. Keep doing you bro
I hope your next relationship is a good one.
Bless you.
Narcissists are vampires.
They are not fully human.
@@dinos9607 I'm guessing Ash is referring to the No True Scotsman fallacy. You're not really a man if X, you're not really black if Y.
I’m in a very long term married relationship with a horribly narcissistic person with a terribly foul mouth and who bad mouths me to my face most of the time and when I confront him he says, “But I really try to be nice to you but it’s hard.”
Leave them asap. No one deserves that. I'm watching this video to learn more about a narcissist. I just left my wife of 10 years because of the way she treated me. I'm so much happier now. I just kept hearing from my friends that she is a narcissist. So I'm watching some videos so I can steer clear from another one. So please understand you don't deserve his abuse. Life is to short to be treated badly. I realize a narcissist will never change and will never love you like you love them. I wish the best for you, remember only you can change your situation. Good luck
Go on strike and leave a bill attached to everything you do in his interest or to Keep the peace. If you don’t have a bank account or income of your own, start one. No matter what you have been trained to think by this person, you have skills that have Value. I left after twelve years and everything was in his name. I got a job at 63 after being on disability for 7 years. I bought a car for cash, built credit slowly and got out. It took for tries and
Just as many years. Only you can start your own recovery. I had a boss like this too, and I told her off and found another job where I was treated fairly and with respect. If you need help, go to Social Services because you are being abused . They have counselors who advise us and Yes, we are considered battered women!
I am so grateful to you (and another doctor) for enlightening me about how narcissists treat you. I recently discontinued communication with my mother’s son (we both come from the same gene pool, but I will NOT refer to him as my brother again). I had maintained contact with him for my mother’s sake. No more. I will never allow him to sling his psychological daggers again. I am FREE.
Dr. Ramani, thanks for: "Healthy relationship is a safe place."
Reasons I never wanted to go home as a child...
Reason I never wanted to go home as a wife...
You ladies love a narcissist
@@ruebencristobal7790 The ladies were hoodwinked by gaslighting groomers!
I've learned that I attracted narcissists because of my own self hatred and self disrespect and grew up seeing men do that to my mom. Your subscription helps me so much. Thank you
Good work on your journey.
Hello Tammy, we never ATTRACT narcissists. Narcissists go to everyone but only stay where they are tolerated. The only reason we tolerate them is because our upbringing or our parents made that type of love our comfort zone we decorate with the red flags we have made a habit of collecting. You don’t attract narcissists, you have just been conditioned to tolerate them.
That's great feedback do you have videos on conditioned to tolerate narcissists and how to work on that
@@athenasuperheldin1017 I gather there can be qualities which they seek out, too, like being empathetic, and willing to listen, and positive in a liking to build others up kind of way, which are qualities which feed the damaged ego in narcissists, but you're absolutely right about not tolerating them being the thing to learn, which patterns to look for towards 'zoning them out' of one's life.
Tammy narcissists look for and target people that they can use. This is how they operate. When they can not use you they move on but will do everything to control you. They will actually drain you and steal your self respect. They know how to discover people they can prey upon.
I now understand what kind of traumatising relationship I was a part of. My ex consistently insulted me, abused me and my family. and used the information I shared with him in vulnerability against me. So glad that I am finally getting the closure I needed - that they were a narcissist and I couldn’t do anything about it.
I always say that my husband can rip you up verbally, with 42 years of this up and down relationship, it takes its toll on you, I find myself going back at him ,he sends my temper into hyper drive,I hate getting that way, I think he deliberately does it. I am so tired of it 42 years of marriage, 5 years of dating before that, He drank a lot, not a fun drunk, verbally nasty. When he gets mad at me, he will mumble under his breath, but I can hear it, name calling, very nasty, I can’t stand this person!
One of the biggest lies in a “healthy” relationships is that “ love means never having to say your sorry”.
pure knowledge
I was recently humiliated by my soon to be ex husband while I was on the prayer line. Instead of saying an apology he hit me with divorce. I have never said yes so fast in my life. I'm praying it will happen quickly.
Always…
Love means being ABLE to say I'm sorry...
My husband of 30 years finally gave me an insult that was the final straw. I got my four year degree in registered nursing from Cal State University Chico twelve years before I met my husband. One night late in our marriage we went out to dinner with a couple and I told them where I went to college. When we got home he said to me "Don't you ever, ever, ever tell anyone ever again you went to Chico State. It's embarrassing." That was it. I shut down after that and now he is my ex. I could't believe he felt that way. Of all the insults and verbal abuse that one will stay with me forever. By the way he went to USC so he thought state universities were for bottom feeders.
Gud for u.. Thank god u left him.. God bless u❤🙏
Deborah
I’m with you. You never saw it clearly but when you did!
I got my chiropractic dr’s degree at age 40.
The parents call it a “piece of paper” and how it made me become arrogant and better than the rest of the their kids.
With that encouragement they are not in my life going on five years.
Took me 60 years.
I worked on my “SELF” as you did.
Keep it up. Stay on these channels and keep helping others. You DO MATTER!!
Oh wow. I'm glad you are out.
@Douglas Farshtey Thank you for saying that.
Beautiful 🗣Frame your diploma in gold from alimony 💰🏆Love Karma
You are astonishingly insightful as distinguishing the insults from the ribbing. When you are around insults all of your life, it is almost impossible to know the difference. Your explanation coupled with the examples insults vs. ribbing is not only good for NA but also a general guideline for life. Thank you so much for the work and posting your amazing videos.
A narcissist will tell you it’s your fault you have cancer everything is your fault ! The narcissist is always correct they are perfect and everyone else has a problem but them !
"You're too sensitive." No, I like who I am and don't care to change this trait, even if I could.
Facts. You are just capable of fucking connecting with ppl and giving a fuck
Felt this ❤❤
“ something is wrong with you“, “ you need help“ those are the two I got all the time.
He just wanted me to feel bad all the time.
I was trying to bring up some issues asked when we could talk. I know he is working he is busy, I understand and I pull myself back. He used to dismissed my feelings and always told me he has no time to deal with the issues. Yesterday he called me Mental and always being told that I'm crazy! I'm walking away and say nothing because he always make me feel bad, belittling me. I was having a hard time to let him go and hoping he will change. I guess now it's time to break the cycle
He would say that to me as well."you need help woman get help". That is his words
@@painolivesis 26 yrs with mine . He don't change , well he does beat me too.
"Let me say this slowly so you can get it through that thick head of yours..." That was one of my narcissist's favorites. Any insult to my intelligence.
“bitch you got problems” almost every other day
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I stumbled across your channel some weeks ago and you are so concise and easy to understand. You help me feel centered and not alone. All the comments prove that I'm far from alone!
The narcissist that was in my life made a habit of insulting me and hated that I showed little to no reaction. Her favorite label for anyone that pushed back was "narcissist". After a few years, I gave her a clear warning that if the disrespectfulness did not cease, a natural consequence would be my withdrawal from my normal open communication, to keeping my thoughts, feelings, and dealings separate and personal. As time went on, I slowly withdrew. When she complained about it I reminded her about my warning. She continued to project that I was the problem, applying even more labels and armchair psychobabble. The more I stood my ground and was non-reactive, the more frustrated she became. I am happy for her that she has found a new and satisfying life. That was all I ever wanted for her in the first place. Don't make the mistake of thinking only men can be narcissists.
My ex husband is a narcissist. I had self esteem issues. He played on that. He would cut me to shreds with his words. In the end I found out he was jealous of me. He worked on my kids and now they all hate me. It took 15 yrs of me trying with 2 of my 4 children. They don't talk to me anymore. I have finally accepted it. It's awful. Narcissists will hurt their own children to hurt a spouse.
That sucks, I hope you get them back one day. If you have their number, maybe try sending them videos like this.
your kids that don't speak to you must be narcissists, also.
Why would she want easily swayed people back in her life though? They're volatile or fair weather fans, which means they are unreliable and will never genuinely care about you. People who actually love you don't abandon you.
Yes.. they can do anything to save their skin …. to constantly blame others for their own faults… n they can go to any extent to get cheap reputation .. when at heart , they are not at all that good or sensible… n last but not the least .. they can act too carefully so that people do not realise their actual face..!!
@@anotherpotterhead1201 it's possible they really don't want to speak to her for a good reason
I got out of my 20-year narcissistic relationship a year ago, and the positive impact it's had on me is noticeable. I take better care of myself because I'm not being insulted and criticized anymore. I value myself more because I don't have someone making me feel like shit all the time.
It's only been a year, and I'm excited about all the positives I'll continue to see in myself in the coming years. If you can leave these relationships, do it - it's WORTH it!
@Donna N I totally agree! 🌺
Thank you for sharing this 💗
I envy you
I bet your partner is doing better than you are
@@joshuamcnab9605 ?
10 out of 10, as always, from not only the best "shrink" on the Net but also a fellow survivor. With deepest respect and many thanks, Doctor. You're simply the best.
My ex told me I was a narc. I actually thought she was a narc. I feel like once a relationship is reduced to toxicity by insults, fighting, etc, it’s really easy for someone to think the worst of the other person. I’m not saying there’s no such thing as narcissists, I just think the term is used to loosely these days. People want to assign a label to issues that are complex and hard to figure out.
agree fully
2023: A relationship is supposed to go smoothly, in a comforting/supportive & solid manner... ⛓🕊
There could be some darker zones where people don't understand each other but it is supposed
to be taken care of when the relationship is at stake; staying in an inequitable, power struggled
relationship can cause harm to both sides... When in doubt, it is always good to get advice before leaving it.
And mostly, some people with this 'narcissistic personality' would have to be 'professionally diagnosed' -
and as many won't get any 'help' - much damage can be done to their 'love ones'...
Keeping it 'private' as it becomes 'insanely' toxic is not the answer... Being a narcissist (or not)..
If this comment can help both sides... Gladly 'honored'!.. - Blessings to you all!...
The insults don’t have to come directly from your partner or spouse. The insults can come from their family members which they are heavily influenced by.
Know that all to well
Yup, the insults come from my brothers whom have been influenced by their dad, my step dad.
When I disagreed with my ex husband, he would actually SCREAM at me that I was insane and needed a psychiatrist. I made an appointment with my health care provider to discuss this, and he gave me a written note that I was absolutely sane, a little quirky, but sane.
Same here, a girlfriend kept insisting that I go see a counselor for anxiety and various problems and when I did, the counselor was just like, why are you here? And she confirmed that I didn’t have any sort of anxiety disorder.
@@sandwichsteen I did have anxiety (gee I wonder why) and he played it to the hilt. That was his answer to any mood I would have, etc, telling me I was crazy Sometimes I would laugh at him and walk away, and he said that proved I was insane. And you should have seen his screaming tantrums Who's the crazy one????!!!!.
same here. My son's wife is a vulnerable narc, and I've done/said enough things that she ( a psych major) finally insisted I get therapy. My therapist said I was fine but probably should have joint family counseling with my son and his wife. My son exploded at that idea.
LOL!!!!
Yup I was told to see a psychiatrist as I stood up against someone who is not use to hear no. No matter what I always apologize and I said no to an apology as it was for my baby girl. I told that person your buttons and trigger don’t work as god is watching and your deeds are not dodged. That made that person angry and even scolded me that only reason she is their with me because I am agreeable and if I am going to change then it’s time for me to go
This literally was shouted at me two hours ago. It involved rain and my husband wanting me to lay a tarp down to protect something. But I knew the rain was ending in minutes because I was monitoring the radar. And besides, “he can lay the tarp down if he’s that worried.”
After much yelling (that ignored) he made a stand and screamed, “Get the tarp , get the tarp, GET THE TARP BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!!”
So bad. But so funny. Of course I burst into peels of laughter which only further enraged him…which then prompted the ever-popular show closer: “Everyone hates you!!” Followed by a dramatic exit and door slam.
Wish I’d have filmed it. It was sick.
Okay, but are you still there? Or you've left the relationship?
2023: Hoping you will figure how to recover & how to be independent & free from anyone!..
Keep your Spirit up! 🗽- But be aware that you might have to know when & how to leave safely!...
Take Care of yourself - Get the right Support with the right people!... - Keep Luck & Good Care of Yourself...
( Remember: Laughing is worthy for a very short time! ) - It might be more 'dramatic' sooner than you think!..
I heard a mother say this to her two year old at a Panera once, among other abusive things, and I still feel awful thinking about it. She was dressed like a respectable career woman, so the poor kid is probably still getting abused by her.
The kid was being normal kid noisy. I was studying there, but I hadn't even looked up from my book (except to glance when she went off) or felt irritated.
I just couldn't believe it. A two year old! 😭
I have a two year old and can’t imagine anyone, much less myself, saying that to them. How insane!
You are a wonderful counselor you explain without insult I was in a really bad marriage with a narcissistic person and I used to think I was just it good enough the fights and arguments towards the end it became physically abusive but those words hurt so much I tried to end my life and at that point I was grateful for the physical abuse bc that was too far and I was leaving but what I didn’t realize until I went through lots of therapy was just how damaging the verbal abuse was and that I was guilty of doing it to family members as a way to cope and say I’m not abused I’m a tough person I can say and do anything which is so damaging and that’s how cycles continue today I am not the same person I have healthy relationships with my family and I am grateful sometimes I watch you and am grateful for being able to recognize those behaviors and am able to cope with situations without guilt what a relief 🦋
“contempt for the people they need” resonated with me relative to an adult child
Same here. Not so sure he's actually a narcissist, but something is definitely wrong. He needs therapy and/or meds, but he refuses. He also refuses to move out, even though he hates living here. At least he pays rent (albeit cheaper and includes more than he'd find anywhere else), which we actually need, and he helps some around the house (when he feels like it), which we need too. It's a fairly nice arrangement for all of us when we're getting along, which is the majority of the time, although I do always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when he's home. And then inevitably there'll be a blowup over the tiniest thing... he had one a week ago and hasn't talked to me since... it's heartbreaking and I can't keep living like this..... :(
The list is endless and the viciousness and contempt are nearly the daily bread……but I am QUIETLY PREPARING MY EXIT OF THIS DEADLY AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIP PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!
I pray you got out safely or will 🙏🏼❤️
JESUS LOVES YOU! I pray that you know that GOD will be with you. HE always is. And best wishes on your strategy. Hope it all comes together for you soon. 🙂 I will pray for you and ask you to also pray for me in mine. Thanks in advance. 🙂
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You have been so generous with sharing of your time and knowledge. May God bless you.
Dr Ramani, you have a soothing, comforting way about you that helps me feel better. Right now, I have two family members that aren't talking to me, my father and my son. They won't communicate with me at all and it's frustrating. I have to accept there's nothing I can do about it. I focus on people who do want me in their lives but that circle is small. It's so hard to trust. But on a completely different topic, I'm 56 and carry a backpack for a purse. It's just the practical thing to do.