This is true. My narcissist used to tell me I was worthless for years finally I got tired of hearing it and kicked him out of the house he then started telling Me I should kill myself. One month later he killed hisself left a suicide note saying he was worthless....very sad
Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they'll tell everyone how they helped you.
When I visited my narcissistic mother I never told her anything except the most mundane things because she’d own it and brag or use it against me. She really didn’t know me after awhile. Then I realized that she really didn’t care who I was as a separate person. 😢
I swear his insults were the most horrific insults I’ve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: “In your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someone…”
Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they don’t and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesn’t exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.
my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit's effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can't take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters...she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said "OH MY GOD that's so RANDOM!!'. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with "We were just having family fun, don't make it something it's not" I explained that I didn't just make it up...I read a actual study from Taiwan...and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn't apropos of the topic at hand....
PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.
But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you're introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!
OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to. Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don't.
Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancé 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.
😔💔 I’m so sorry to hear this Almaia. I hope you’re doing well now. I was in the same situation last January and I’m still trying to heal cos I stopped being with him last two weeks. It’s so hard to leave but I realised these people never change. He was also screaming, clenching his jaw whilst shouting at me, he’d bruise my arms or pin me on the bed and grab my face and just wouldn’t handle his emotions well. One day I became the narcissist because I had enough of him. I was so angry I gave him the same poison shouted at him spat on his face I was so exhausted. Truthfully a new person came out and I was scared of her. I am now so much better alone but cry a lot at night because I remember how he called me names and always made himself the victim. I should have left when he punched the door and when he’d chase me and I’d try hide in the bathroom. I was so used to this with my dad. I was abused as a kid and didn’t realise this is so stupid of me to accept in a relationship.
Thank you ladies, you are all so sweet! Hana I am so sorry because it honestly sounds like your experience was just so terrible. I thank God that you were also able to get out of the situation. I came from an abusive childhood myself, and I saw my mom stuck with my dad even though he was an alcoholic narcissist who would put his hands on her and us. I think in someway I thought that if my mom was able to put up with a man like that, so can I, and it should NOT be that way. Don’t blame yourself or call yourself stupid for accepting the relationship. They are good at manipulating and breaking you! Stay strong!! I am sure you are still a kind person with a beautiful soul! Take care of you and make yourself as happy as you can because you deserve it! I will NOT date anyone again unless he makes me happier than I can make myself!! 💖 Sending you a big hug! Good luck with everything!!
After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don't trust people and I am super isolated.
Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it's affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet... i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..
Shauna, I've been there and I'm still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don't let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior 🕴️
Omgoodness…me too! I’m actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again. Therefore, little chance of finding….or even looking…for another relationship. I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me. I’m sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that I’m damaged beyond repair. 😢
This so reminds me of my former husband! He would insult me/my body (after bearing him 3 children) while we were getting dressed. The first couple of times he did this, I was dumbfounded, shocked and speechless. The last time this happened, I turned around and said 'well, I wouldn't look twice at you either.' The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, the marriage did not last and I am now free!!!!!!
Kailei. That’s the trouble when you insult them back they can’t take it and it causes a huge fight. Then they gaslight you and say you are abusive. You can’t win!
@@korab.23 my son was 12 when we split. I told him that I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, it was important. That I respected that he loved his dad because he was his dad, and never wanted to interfere with that. I told him I never wanted him to feel he had to choose one over the other or that he was in the middle. Within the next year, while in the middle of divorcing, my estranged husband committed suicide and it unleashed a whole new level of Hell. I didn't handle it well and was so angry with him for what he did to our kids by abandoning them that way. After 10 years of counseling and 15 years later, I am still working on forgiving him, but it allowed me to set a new household climate and move away from his controlling, authoritative dominion. The kids and I survived, and the son is a kind, loving, caring, non-violent but anxious adult now. More than you probably wanted to know, but the road is a hard one and so worth it. Don't make excuses for your Ex's behavior, and try not to bash him to the kids. My best to you and your children.
Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time - it's done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.
@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that's the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that's why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.
I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.
Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, it’s all my fault.
Exactly. I didn't know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it. My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I'm just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it's modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I'm wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble. Even after 5 months of no contact I'm still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I'm scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn't fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual. I'm afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don't know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can't even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won't return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison
So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don't want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you. I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don't want the trauma drama.
So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one “I’m sorry.” Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.
I always get “you’re too sensitive,” but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse. Always tells me to shut up if I’m expressing my frustration because he doesn’t want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like he’s upset and tries to make me feel bad for him. I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment. When I called him on it he did what I said above. I’ve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut I’m still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says “when are you going to get over that? It was nothing.” So here I am. Living across the world with someone I don’t feel emotionally safe with but I can’t leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money. This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels. Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. You’re not alone!
...with unsweetened almond milk, sitting in my beautiful garden with at least three of my children (beloved pet hens) snuggled in my arms. Wild bird friends all around! What better way to arm myself for the abusive workplace (all male narc crew), than love, beauty and a dose of Dr. Ramani.
My husband loved to say I never contributed to the marriage after 22 years together, and 2 children. He always did his best to trigger an angry response so he could point me out to be crazy.
Mine did as well and it has been almost five years trying to divorce him because he has spent all his time energy and money punishing me for calling him out in his bad behavior, mistreatment and abuse which he says I caused and deserve. He is evil in every single sense of the word. I would not want to be him for the karma and rather if God that is already in his life and is actively bringing justice (finally) to myself and our son. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and that you have peace, hope and the self love that will bring you the amazing things God has for you! Thank you Dr. Ramani! You do Gods work, you save, and you heal us, and we will never forget how you helped us in the hardest, most frightening fight for our very lives!! May God bless you beyond measure for all you do!!
Going through the same problem even after 50 years of being together. Can't handle it, I never knew before about this terminology and personality problem .No escape, no help from anyone else at this age, isolated.
I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, “just kidding around,” is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them. These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.
You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.
So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I'm being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!
When we learn to emotionally detach, we can start to observe how hollow and empty a narcissist's insults are, much like the narcissist himself/herself. They say more about the narcissist's insecurities than about anyone else.
The problem with narcs is their skill for finding your weakness and going in for the kill at every opportunity. It's like a death by a thousand cuts...Also their ability to move in for the kill when they think you're at your weakest. Case in point: I was sick with the flu, my gf came over to see how I was. She opened a video on my laptop about how people learn (why she thought this was a good idea when I was sick is beyond me) and when I said I tend to learn by doing. NO NO NOOOO you're NOT. YOU learn by watching!!! Umm I'm 55 years old, I've been learning new things the whole time, I should know how I learn...NO NO NO YOU DON'T.....(among other things) I eventually asked her to leave. lol. Then there was the time I'd just gotten home from my father's funeral out of town, she came over to console me (I guess) and proceeded to start not one, but TWO arguments with me. Again, I asked her to leave. "I don't need this right now".
The “kind” insults are the worst. I babysat for my “ex-boss” She was constantly “complimenting me” but for some reason I NEVER felt good after. 90% of the time her compliments made me want to cry or get mad. But they were worded so “sneaky” that I could never confront her. I would sound crazy. I ended my job and very vaguely mentioned how I didn’t like how she treated me and I was done with her passive aggressive statements. She said “I’m sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insults” So gaslighting me was her last words.
You got it right. thank you. Do not react, remain calm, assert your worth, Detach, Stay on goal, be deceptive, do not give them ammunition, do not be vulnerable.
What has happened to this world we live in? I hadn’t even heard of the terminologies ‘narcissist’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘love bombing’ etcetera until 5yrs ago and I’m a 52yr old. What I was aware of was the SM@RT @SS PUT DOWNS by my INSIDIOUS MOTHER. I had a Covert Narcissist as a mother who imo is Demonic and a father who was a violent alcoholic BUT SHE WAS the one who would set things up so I, being the oldest and most athletic, would cop the most VICIOUS HIDINGS FOR A LITTLE 9yr old girl. IT CHANGED MY SOUL AND I’VE SEEN NUMEROUS COUNSELLORS ET AL BUT ALL THEY DID WAS TELL ME I SUFFERED PTSD, CHRONIC DEPRESSION, AND A PEOPLE PLEASER. Odd thing is my mother attends a Pentecostal church! VILE CREATURE WHO DESTROYED MY FAMILY. P.S. What mother sits in the car after her 5yr old is put in the boot of a f’g car by her father because when we were children we suffered car sickness and my sister was sick? A MOTHER WITH DEMONS IN HER SOUL.
Agreed! I could never connect my relationship to a narcissist to these videos but that one sentence single-handedly put two and two together and now I’m CERTAIN I’m in a relationship with a narcissist.
I can't tell you how many times I heard "get over it" when I objected to verbal abuse. To anyone in this kind of toxic relationship, get out. People don't change, and you deserve better.
So true. I hate when people tell me "You need to learn to forgive." or the same thing with "people change." attached to that because I spent my whole life (over 40) being treated very poorly and know that people don't actually change, they just get better at their crappy ways and if they can't they will move on to their next victim/s. Here's my massive problem with forgiving: The people who have bad tendencies toward others no matter how little or big now have an open door to be however they want toward you because they know they can get away with anything until you snap back but they know you are expected to forgive and until you do, for some strange reason most people look at you as the bad one. They always do it to nice people who then get a bad rep for not forgiving someone. Makes it hard to want to spend my time on people because no matter how nice I am or what I do for people, they always expect me to just let people be nasty to me or I am the problem.
It is difficult because when you ask them to stop being so critical/ saying unfriendly things, sneer, a conflict starts and then you receive the blame for the conflict.
My ex narcissistic GF can whatever she wants but if I give her example on her, she goes ape shit. She says, "There you go again. You always have to get me back." I'm like what? I'm just giving you an example on how irrational and hypocritical you are...
I was critical of them, for a good reason. Being critical of someone sounds wrong to many, it sounds like I'm being hurtful. No. If you punch my friend, I will be "critical" of your behavior and point out the excessive violence. If you ignore me for days to weeks, I will confront you by asking why are you not responding to me. Etc. Being critical is just questioning something that most people don't question. There is inherently nothing wrong with it, and in fact it is likely something that we all should cultivate to some extent, if not in the form of being self-critical (or self-aware). Being critical is not bad, being unable to take responsibility and shifting it to those who are innocent is the problem. If you are anti-social, I will criticize you, justly, and you can either take responsibility or escape it and lose me as a friend. Your choice.
The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You'll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It's hard.
I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .
Narcissist can destroy you. You’ll look back and wonder how you could’ve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because you’re a failure. Don’t listen to the scripting they gave you. It’s time to be brave in your own story again.
Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I'm not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I'm the one being the narcissist...
What baffles me is how quickly he would turn from someone who was calling me beautiful, amazing and loved to calling me crazy,whore and bitch. Sometimes less than 24 hours. I decided to get off the crazy train a while ago but having trouble totally letting go. I think I've just been totally traumatized by the entire experience.
I was called whore, bitch and c*nt by my ex constantly. I finally got sick of it. I looked at him and said " Well, if I'm a whore, bitch and c*nt, why are you with me!!??". He was stunned. I made him think. Unfortunately he raged at me. I just stood there and smirked. He was completely freaked out. I packed my stuff and left the next day. Of course he raged at/over me when I was packing some last things. He shoved me HARD. I shoved him back. I told him that whatever he does to me physically I would do right back.
I experienced the same thing with a narcissist. We could go from exchanging Christmas presents to him screaming at me about what a “whore” I was in a matter of a couple of hours. It was terrifying.
A relationship with a narcissist will never survive if the victim finds self love. I’ve realized that. They will go to great lengths to stop you any way they can.
The true goal of the narcissist in any relationship is simply to feed off the victim. Should the victim ever rise, speak the truth, and demand change, the narcissist's end game becomes to utterly obliterate the victim.
That is true. Once I began to feel more confident and happy with myself, this narcissistic bitch tries and tells me that my happiness is 'fake' and that changes like that don't happen that quickly Cut them off, been happy with life ever since
My mum always insulted me and I used to think it was just an “Indian culture” thing but my husband stood up for me as he always always hated it when I didn’t speak up or just brush it off. Than they started saying he was a bad person and played me and him against each other. We shut them out and now are happy as we don’t deal with any family members.
Good for you Growing up, my parents also likes to insult & gaslight us. When I went for Uni I found that everything they say was a lie & never trust them again
seems insults in "Indian culture" are a common occurrence. The women in my life have insulted, by this definition, the men in their lives. Now, I'm not even sure if it counts as insults or if I'm over reacting. Insults. "Your fault" are quite a staple in all relationships (not just Indian), I thought, till I saw these channels - but I still have a feeling that it's just an Indian thing, and not really abuse of any kind.
My family of origin is caucasian (white/European) and I called it the "Three Act Play". Act 1: "I know everything." Act 2: "You know nothing." Act 3: "Here are all the other ways that you are a terrible person that have nothing to do with the original topic/controversy". Once it started up, I knew exactly where it was going. I married a South-East Asian and our life is so much better than the example I had growing up. I don't think its because you're family is Indian.
I read your book “Should I Stay or Should I Go” in 2003. This enabled me to escape the narcissist husband after 25 years. It took me many years to get past it, and my health improved at least 50%!
This. I once broke a leg. Was my fault tho but… He was so mad at me that he had to help me. If my partner would break his leg (even tho it would be his own fault) I would love to help him! I cant understand how you can be mad at someone then.
My ex was unbelievably ruthless when it came to the insults. He knew my insecurities and just tore into over and over. My weight, how I dressed, my hair, how I did my make-up, even my vehicle, and the color of my nail polish, he hated everything about me. He would tell me I’m lucky to be with him because he could have his choice of any thin, gorgeous, independent, well educated women he wanted but yet he chose to “slum” with me and I should be grateful for someone as talented and successful as him.🙄 I put up with him for far too long. Enough was enough. Ended the relationship and went no contact. Never been happier. The peace I’ve experienced after being in a relationship with a narcissist is priceless.
This is my ex-husband. But he alternated these insults with days of putting me on a pedestal for my intelligence and my looks. He was always comparing me with other women and telling me I should dress and act like so and so.
That whole put you on a pedestal and then knocking you down! I realized why he had me suspicious and jealous of other women- he was trying to separate me from anyone willing to listen and help. “You’re not like all those dumb --‘s! You x y z!” Absolute red flag.
I spent 20 years in an on /off relationship with a narcissist and he reduced a confident, outgoing me into a complete empty shell of a person. Insults were said with a smile and he gaslighted me so much I thought I was going insane. Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc. I finally came to my senses when his mobile was stolen and the guy who stole it actually texted me to tell me my boyfriend had 3 other women on the go (he could see all the texts/messages). Karma is a b****! Anyway, I dumped his arse and have been happily married to a lovely guy for 14 years. There is hope after such a nightmare.
"Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc". ... sounds EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex they're so linear and predictable.
„contempt is the death of a relationship insults are a primary means of comunicating that contempt“ … I had to write that one down. thank you dr. ramani 🙏
I hold up a mirror… if they say “ you can’t do anything right” I show them who they are by responding “ wow your really negative, and that’s sad” and walk away. What ever they try to project I show them who they are, “ you’re family is really screwed up”, - “ you really enjoy talking bad about other people “ and walk away. Leaves them speechless every time.
it's called "name the game". the quickest way to shut up the bully. You don't play according to their rules but instead point out why they do what they do.
Same thing here. This went for years with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was the only person ever to say hurtful things like. But when I’m out and about or at work it was exactly the opposite. The funny thing was the before we entered into the relationship he was one of the ones that complimented daily and went out of his way to do so. But shortly after we began dating he became a monster!!! Insulting me and berating me for no reason at all. But I noticed that all insults and berating was about his own insecurities. He was referring to himself but used it on me to torture me because he was tormented in his head.
Lol I was lazy and messy despite working 2 jobs 7 days a week, a bitch, have too many problems and nobody wants to deal with my nonsense, need to get over myself, selfish, greedy, fat, and just a terrible person overall 😂
They call you idiot, stupid, spoilled brat, immature, crazy, ASH....it is awful, and they don't do it once, they do it over and over again, also accompanied by sarcastic and mean jokes, passive agresive comments, mockery💔 At the same time they claim to love you. It does not make any sense, that's the ultimate gaslighting, confusing💔 Those who truly love you don't treat you like that. Nobody deserves to be insulted, abused. Thank you for this Dr. Ramani💕
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, not easy. Those are words that are very hurful, and they know what they are doing when they use them with us💔. Educational and validating videos like this and all of Dr. Ramani's videos are crucial for healing. We all deserve true love, respect, kindness, empathy, and healthy relationships. Thank you for the reply, I wish you all the best💜
@@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876 you too. Wish you the very best. I am still reeling with what happened to me. Hope you came out before things got worse for you. Or have a plan to come out. 💔
Same here, exactly as you describe. They'd say they don't do it on purpose and continue doing it. Complete asshole. I'm never again allowing such people in my life. :)
@@daisyroots8926 I found a man who worked with special needs middle school kids. He really helped me emotionally. It’s not too late to find love, though he may not be handsome. 🥰
Same here and I found an account from a teacher who was coaching me extra who was coaching, asking the headmaster to « diplomatically » speak to my mother and ask her that I don’t go home on week ends because it was taking me half the school week to get myself together ……..which made me nogo for schoolwork. Everyone in the extended family was happy to look the other way just to have their peace……which ended up being at my emotional cost with the perk of on top of it of feeling guilty. Who ever might me the abuser……..RUN !!! You will find friends who become your family….a better one…..maybe a spouse, but do not jump in with that one. Someone who genuinely loves you, will give you time. Do not bow to….if we had a child it would make things better…..the ultimate death trap.
'Dont take this the wrong way, but...' - 'I don't mean to upset you, but...' - 'Everything is okay, but...' - all straplines indicating that criticism, insult and belittling will follow, usually with a serving of word-salad.
"Don't take things too personal" or "you just can't handle criticism", we've all heard those before. Don't even bother engaging, it's not worth your time. Stay safe and stay healthy.
I wanted to say thank you for creating these videos. My partner and I both exhibit narcissistic qualities and we use your videos to recognize them and correct them, in doing so we better ourselves and remove the toxic qualities from our marriage.
That’s great that you both are open to accepting accountability, being vulnerable enough with one another to admit your personal shortcomings, changing, and growing together.
The one thing I learned from my narcissistic relationships is that I gotta love myself more. Be firm in my truth and not cave. I’m ok with giving up my “man card” or “black card” if it means I get to be myself. I’m choosing me.
Man its crazy how you don’t realize your in this type relationship till it hits you. I trying to find myself as well and love myself. Keep doing you bro
With my immediate family who are narcissists, I wouldn't say they give out insults like the typical person. But they don't give compliments or affection either 😕 but then to the outside world, they come as charming and friendly. But behind closed doors, they are cold.
I ended a 10-year relationship when he told me on Easter morning that my three kids "didn't love me." After years of enduring his insults, contempt, gaslighting; emotional and even on occasion physical, abuse, it FINALLY dawned on me in that moment, "This man doesn't love me." We both knew what he said wasn't true (and he later tried to apologize) but the fact that he would ever say something that awful and hurtful to me was the final straw.
He told me , " I swear in a year time your dad will die and none of my relatives will come to the funeral and you will feel humiliated". My sick dad eventually died 3 years after and I left just after that monstruous and hainous declaration. He did exactly what he said, my dad had a befitted funeral and COVID excuse was what I gave as explanation. But I have been so happy since, I have welcome back who I was. NB: those people are sick, he lost his dad when he was a teenager and my dad loves me so much, maybe envy, who knows? They are mentally sick.
@@annickgladzah2272 Sounds like you and I both had a limit, and their nasty remarks finally exceeded it. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I think, deep down, narcissists are really miserable people.
My parents were struggling to survive and in frustration he called me a slut 27 times and gave a description of how i slept with 10-15 men and I was responsible for my parents' condition and i should f**k my dad and that's why my mom hates me. He cursed my belief system, scarred me for life. Later apologized, begged and asked me to forget everything marry him right away. And I ended then. He kept torturing me, coming back from friends, crashing my home late at night and torturing me will ringing bells at 11 PM. I called his mom and said I am complaining to Police. That's when everything stopped. He even lied and said he was gang raped by men that's why he is broken and needs to fix. (Trust me 3 years or relationship and everytime new abuse, or how his mom poisoned his food, delusional justification after every apology as emotional blackmail). I just walked away and that triggered him . Now I am healing. He crossed the line
This narcissist abused me so much even I became abusive in the relationship. I HATED myself with him . I kept taking “revenge “ the same way they hurt me first but somehow he couldn’t see what was he doing and shifted the blame on me . I was confused that I might be a horrible person . Self worth was hitting ground , started justifying his behavior , never ever again , I’ll deal with such ever again !!
The favourite narcissistic's thing: insulting, pretending it's a joke if we said we feel hurt, telling us we're too sensitive if we insist it doesn't feel like a joke, and telling us we're complicated if we insist we're not insensitive. And it goes on and on until the narcissist escape accountability for the initial words.
I just discontinue contact. People like this don’t deserve an explanation. These are the people that deserve to be ghosted. And quite frankly, it’s seems that it’s becoming more common among men and on the rise in general
When I would get upset, my dad would always tell me not to be so sensitive, that his insults were just loving ribbing like you described, but it wasn’t. It was just the beginning of years of abuse and my first experience with gaslighting. And recently he had the nerve to ask me what happened to all of the confidence I had as a little kid. 🤦♀️ I see my son exhibiting the same behaviors that got me smacked down as a kid: confidence, a willingness to debate current issues with evidence, and the ability to teach me something new. And I do my very best to appreciate his intelligence and encourage his lively mind instead of how my dad handled it. I know about the cycle of abuse and that there was trauma that shaped my father and his mother, but I feel it’s up to me to break that cycle.
Yes. My mom would always say to me “don’t you have a sense of humor?” If you are an intelligent adult, it’s very easy to cleverly belittle a teenager. It’s not a fair fight. My own experience parallels what has been said in some of these videos: separation really helped. And yes, I’ve managed to find other narcissists to get into relationship with but I’m learning.
it is up to you to stop generational trauma! you are DOING AMAZING! I appreciate your story and how you are raising and treating your son, he has an amazing mom!
Oh my god...That's exactly what my father did, destroyed my confidence and now has the nerve to complain about my anxiety painting it as "shyness" and telling me to "be bold" but it doesn't work that way.
This is the video that helped me realize why the “jokes” never sat right, and even hurt. It’s was the catalyst to see that I am in this type of relationship. Thank you
Yeah, the guy I dated started calling me “his bitch” and “his whore” - i thought maybe that was a sex thing lol 😂 but it was out of the bedroom. I didn’t want to be called bitch every day. I thought about what would happen to me if I heard that every day…. For a year? Like what would happen to my self esteem.
My "aha" moment with my toxic family arrived because of insults. Every time one of my siblings would say something insulting, I would simply say: "Wow, that was really insulting." After a while, one of my sisters said "we always insult you."The others just started laughing. I just walked out. That was the moment I knew that I had to go no contact.
My father used to call me ugly (to this day, I avoid mirrors and don't have any that aren't pre-installed in the house; I have no ability to evaluate my own looks, but on the 1-10 scale, put myself at a 2). My day of freedom finally came when I simply answered back, "You're fat and your business failed due to your own incompetent mismanagement." Both parents started yelling.
I have always thought of the perfect reply 6 hours too late. I always sounded flustered and childish. So, I would never have been able to do what you did. Luckily, I started doing what my parents had always told me to do. I simply would not reply. All of my Northern California (Kumbaya) therapists had insisted that they were wrong. I went through all of these "role play" sessions to learn what and how to discuss how their insults made me feel. When I came back and told them what my sister had said, they didn't believe me. I must have misunderstood. That's when I ended contact with them.
A narcissist will tell you it’s your fault you have cancer everything is your fault ! The narcissist is always correct they are perfect and everyone else has a problem but them !
Hello from Oregon it never seems to amaze me how these narcissist people all read from same ply book but im glad it's starting to come to the light no one deserves to be treated so poorly that they literally lose themselves in this abusive matter, stay strong survivors and love yourself first it's not selfish it's survival, thank you Dr.Ramani your a beautiful soul
That's exactly what I've noticed too; Every one of these narcs, no matter the role they play in someone's life, all behave and abuse the same. It's uncanny. I've begun trying to care for myself and my narcs are going insane with their abuse towards me. They say exactly what you wrote, that I'm selfish and ungrateful to show self care and love. They gaslight, manipulate, derail and are mean because they want full abusive control over me. They want me to have nobody in their lives, except them, and the few times I've managed to have a friend or a partner, they've told me that, that person A. was taking advantage of me or that I fell all over them or B. They tried making that person put them first, and expected that person to do everything for them, from doing their shopping to holding their handbags to driving them everywhere to fixing stuff I the house to helping them cook and so so much more. if the person refused (happened very sedlom), and said wtf I'm not your friend/partner, they'd smear campaign the person. They're so toxic.
This is the truth. My ex was ranting and calling names and I told him to look in the mirror when he opened his mouth to calm me names. He stopped and had a look on his face as though I had slapped him.
I got told “You used to look so good” while pointing to a picture of myself when I was thirty. This is when I was fifty. I guess I wasn’t supposed to age. My ex narc husband was wrinkled & losing his hair at the time, but he told me “I deserve a sexy & attractive wife” when he discarded me for his alcoholic girlfriend. She is now in prison for felony dui.
"Insults, frankly, our the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissist's need to dominate, coupled with ***the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need***. So, by insulting them, it limits any kind of intimacy and any kind of vulnerability, and also allows the narcissistic person to maintain control, power, and dominance." 🤯🤯🤯
@Callie Maud Yes, this explanation is perfect! It's exactly why they insult us, and why the relationship goes nowhere - and why our gut tells us to leave. People who are genuinely capable of love don't insult their partners! It's as crazy-making as it is heartbreaking.
My husband of 30 years finally gave me an insult that was the final straw. I got my four year degree in registered nursing from Cal State University Chico twelve years before I met my husband. One night late in our marriage we went out to dinner with a couple and I told them where I went to college. When we got home he said to me "Don't you ever, ever, ever tell anyone ever again you went to Chico State. It's embarrassing." That was it. I shut down after that and now he is my ex. I could't believe he felt that way. Of all the insults and verbal abuse that one will stay with me forever. By the way he went to USC so he thought state universities were for bottom feeders.
Deborah I’m with you. You never saw it clearly but when you did! I got my chiropractic dr’s degree at age 40. The parents call it a “piece of paper” and how it made me become arrogant and better than the rest of the their kids. With that encouragement they are not in my life going on five years. Took me 60 years. I worked on my “SELF” as you did. Keep it up. Stay on these channels and keep helping others. You DO MATTER!!
I got out of my 20-year narcissistic relationship a year ago, and the positive impact it's had on me is noticeable. I take better care of myself because I'm not being insulted and criticized anymore. I value myself more because I don't have someone making me feel like shit all the time. It's only been a year, and I'm excited about all the positives I'll continue to see in myself in the coming years. If you can leave these relationships, do it - it's WORTH it!
I really like that she understands that some folks are either not willing or not able to walk away from a toxic relationship like this. I'm frankly tired of the channels that ignore interpersonal, social, and religious realities by always advising, "You can't win. You are going to continue to be miserable. Just walk away". Hearing "if you're stuck in the relationship, here's what you need to do" is incredibly helpful
Definitely! It's very scary to do and most of us would prefer to have a plan before we try so that we don't fail and have to go back. If that happens, the relationship gets even worse than before if the narc has caught on.
okay, I will share some things that improved my daily living before I escaped my ex of thirty one years. At that time, I did not know about narcissism or even the different kinds of abuse. I just thought he was mean. I learned all on my own, to practice reverse psychology with him. Example: He harassed me for years about cutting off branches of my beloved landscaping plants, just because I found pleasure in their beauty. It occurred to me one day, to tell him, yes, he could go cut branches off. That's okay with me. Guess what? He never touched them and he never harassed me about them again. After that, I began verbalizing the opposite of what I liked or wanted, because I knew it would end better for me that way. If I loved something, he would ruin it or get rid of it. It was safest just to project indifference. Another example concerns money: While being trapped in a moving car far from home, he would verbally abuse me to tears too many times to count. One day, I just told him if he didn't stop it, I was going to take a taxi home and it was going to cost him a lot of money. I meant what I said, and he knew it, and because money was precious to him, he stopped. But, overall, it was short term, and I learned it was best to refuse to ride in the same car with him and to drive separately as much as was possible. Another money example: He secretly broke into my hundred dollar locked rolling book bag/suitcase to spy on my notes from counseling sessions. I feigned ignorance that he was to blame, but loudly complained to him about my case breaking, and how I was now going to have to spend a hundred dollars on another one. I wish I could have a picture of the look on his face when I said that!!! The new case was never broken into. What a shock. Traveling/flying: When our daughter graduated college, I refused to fly on the same plane with him, or stay in the same hotel room with him. It is best to avoid situations where you are trapped with them. You end up finding ways to protect yourself. I could go on and on. Hope a few ideas help. I was in a Protestant church that did not believe in divorce, so I was shunned after my escape. I am no longer begging God to kill me. I wish you strength, wisdom and safety.
True. I can't leave my home for many reasons to start a whole new life, but share it with a narc who revealed himself 10 years into our 15year relationship. I was stunned and traumatised and am now detached. I'll never trust him again because now I know what he's capable of. But that distance has been a huge help. Insults and verbal cruelty gave him away, and now I know he just hasn't got the emotional or mental capacity. It's actually freeing. Now I live my life and he lives his, and we share physical spaces, but he has no idea who I am. Fine by me. I will never reduce myself to his level. Demanding my own space has made me feel like a teenager again in my mid 60s.
The list is endless and the viciousness and contempt are nearly the daily bread……but I am QUIETLY PREPARING MY EXIT OF THIS DEADLY AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIP PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!
JESUS LOVES YOU! I pray that you know that GOD will be with you. HE always is. And best wishes on your strategy. Hope it all comes together for you soon. 🙂 I will pray for you and ask you to also pray for me in mine. Thanks in advance. 🙂
My narcissistic "best friend" used to insult me all the time. Whether it was passive remarks about my weight (I'm literally only a size 12/14 UK) or when he would randomly pick a fight with me, he would say I was stupid or "not intelligent enough" to understand anything we'd ever talked about. I loved him and the insults were so far apart in our 9 year friendship that somehow I just overlooked them. When he tried to revive our friendship and I basically told him no, he went back to insulting me and said our friendship meant nothing to him anyway. I made the right decision.
You definitely made the right choice that's not a friend. He didn't deserve your friendship and the fact that his insults were so far apart and in between that's from someone that's calculated. He's evil.
My ex husband is a narcissist. I had self esteem issues. He played on that. He would cut me to shreds with his words. In the end I found out he was jealous of me. He worked on my kids and now they all hate me. It took 15 yrs of me trying with 2 of my 4 children. They don't talk to me anymore. I have finally accepted it. It's awful. Narcissists will hurt their own children to hurt a spouse.
Why would she want easily swayed people back in her life though? They're volatile or fair weather fans, which means they are unreliable and will never genuinely care about you. People who actually love you don't abandon you.
Yes.. they can do anything to save their skin …. to constantly blame others for their own faults… n they can go to any extent to get cheap reputation .. when at heart , they are not at all that good or sensible… n last but not the least .. they can act too carefully so that people do not realise their actual face..!!
Just got out of a 6 month thing with a narc. I'm realizing now he insulted me often but would disguise it as a joke. It started to feel normal after a while. Very glad i got out. 🙏🏻
Same here. Not so sure he's actually a narcissist, but something is definitely wrong. He needs therapy and/or meds, but he refuses. He also refuses to move out, even though he hates living here. At least he pays rent (albeit cheaper and includes more than he'd find anywhere else), which we actually need, and he helps some around the house (when he feels like it), which we need too. It's a fairly nice arrangement for all of us when we're getting along, which is the majority of the time, although I do always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when he's home. And then inevitably there'll be a blowup over the tiniest thing... he had one a week ago and hasn't talked to me since... it's heartbreaking and I can't keep living like this..... :(
Insulted by a family member for years, and having it played down by other family, and been told I am too sensitive or I should just ignore it... I have withdrawn from the relationship. Thank you for affirming this for me in this vlog.
"It's just a joke" as they so often say when confronted. Yeah, so are you. And I've found the strength to affirm that by cutting you out of my life. :-)
"We only hurt the ones we love". A line that my narcissistic ex-partner would say to me so frequently that I ended up romanticising and believing it eventually!
@@melw3313 So sorry you had to go through this. Wish you can break free and start healing and one day find a partner that truly loves and supports YOU more than themselves. Just wanted to tell you that there's good people out there among both men and women that wouldn't just use you for their own satisfaction. Sending hugs and healing :)
It’s true in a sense, but not the sense they meant. It’s true we usually only hurt the ones we love because we spend the most time with those people by far, so statistically speaking they’re most likely be there when we fuck up. The quote obviously isn’t supposed to mean it’s totally okay to do so.
This is so important " Do not justify it " . Justifying the insults by ourselves or especially by people around us cause horrible confusion in mind over a long time . Thank you so much Dr Ramani 💖
Listening to your content every morning helps me so much in my re-parenting process holding myself accountable for the wrong I've done and forgiving myself for what I have not done, being able to see the difference and clear the blur, coming from a full narc family. Forever gratelful. Have a wonderful day.
What an awesome comment! Growing up in a narcissistic family takes lots of deprogramming; been there, done that but still working on not being reactive.
@@hissyfitz7890 well, thank you! You are so kind. I feel it will take a life time commitment to not continue with their legacy AND I'm ALL IN 😊✊ that's the example I want to set for myself and my kid, she had enough and was embarressing enough, the one to validate my (scapegoat- truth teller adult child) experience, at 14😔 I owe us an emotionally healthier life, bare minimum as she pointed out and I clearly see now. This community has been my healthy family, I'm so grateful of Dr. Ramani and everyone brave enough to be here. Love you all. 🌈♥️
@@Lopepo - Awareness is key & yes it has taken me a lifetime (almost 70 😱) but I wasn’t AWARE of the particulars until ~ 5-6 years ago when I found ‘The Little Shaman’ & eventually algorithms led me to others. Best of luck 🍀 on your journey & 🤗 to YOU for being able to HEAR your 14 yr old! 🎈🍾🎊🎉
I was trying to bring up some issues asked when we could talk. I know he is working he is busy, I understand and I pull myself back. He used to dismissed my feelings and always told me he has no time to deal with the issues. Yesterday he called me Mental and always being told that I'm crazy! I'm walking away and say nothing because he always make me feel bad, belittling me. I was having a hard time to let him go and hoping he will change. I guess now it's time to break the cycle
"Let me say this slowly so you can get it through that thick head of yours..." That was one of my narcissist's favorites. Any insult to my intelligence.
Becareful about the "good natured" ribbing. Even that gets old after a time, and what was just a fun poke becomes a test or "grooming" for the more sharper insults to come later. 100% agree a healthy relationship does not include ANY sideways comments.
Thank m you for that, does not include any sideways comments. I would like to include that any comments including "double negative" wording Is a bad thing. I can't b stand those sentences I hear. I have to stand there Wondering what the heck you ment.
I was recently humiliated by my soon to be ex husband while I was on the prayer line. Instead of saying an apology he hit me with divorce. I have never said yes so fast in my life. I'm praying it will happen quickly.
I left my relationship with a narcissist two weeks ago. It really is crazy how he convinced me that his insults were normal. Thank you Dr. Ramani, your videos have been so helpful for me
@@nicolamills8003 thank you so much for taking the time to ask. The last 2 months have been a little bit exhausting because healing is up & down, but luckily I have a great support system that helps me sort through the lies when I start gaslighting myself. I’m hopeful for the future though ❤️
I'm the youngest of 8 and I am in my late 50s. I finally am understanding narcissism in my siblings. When my mother had her final massive heart attack and a few of my siblings witnessed it and then they attempted to describe it in a humorous way, complete with acting out the rolling back of her eyes, it traumatized me to the point I can never forget that. And even with all that, I attempted to form relationships with all of them for 25 years until a couple of years ago. I had enough and it's the best thing I ever did.
2023: Some families are really getting into 'disturbed & disturbing' dynamics in terms of normal relationship. Glad to know that you did the right thing as to stay away & focusing on who you are at your best. 💎 Your comment is a Blessing for everyone dealing with similar situations... - Regards.
I was always told by my ex, “if you don’t like it, then leave.” Well, I left. Unfortunately, now I’m dealing with someone who is on a whole different level of bad. Grrr.
“No one will want to date a single mom of 3 kids.” “You will end up homeless without me.” “You would have nothing without me.” “Go to the women’s shelter then.” “I’m keeping the kids if you leave because I’m not having them live with you, you won’t be able to take care of them without me.” “Go ahead and leave I can have another girlfriend in a day.” Are things I often heard. I feel you 😊
The insults don’t have to come directly from your partner or spouse. The insults can come from their family members which they are heavily influenced by.
Yikes. I lasted 27 years with my ex. She did nothing but insult me. Constantly. From 'stinking up the house' by toasting my oats in the morning to never being able to be home on time for dinner because she kept making it earlier...to mowing down my raspberries, telling me I couldn't cook (I worked 12 years in fine dining), making sure I never earned enough by spending more than I made, and laughing at me when I sold my first book (Macmillan, 1996. She said "They won't pay you" as I stood there with a bottle of champagne). She hid bills to make sure I didn't pay them on time. She spent most of our final Christmas eve telling everyone that I was drunk...I cooked for her entire f-ing family getting up and out at 8 am to prep everything for cioppino that I made every year so they could enjoy each other's company. She spent years telling everyone I was 'afraid to fly' and somehow took 55 plane trips the year I served her papers, at least 6 of which were to Europe. I didn't want to fly with her. She always wanted to come home early from vacations. She didn't have a job and she didn't pay for it. I wish I'd known more, and my marriage would have been much shorter. But I am not sad about where I am now. I can just barely remember her. My cats, my house, my life, my effort...I remember everything except her. This good doctor won't say it, but I will. If you are all in with a narcissist, end it. The best thing that ever happened to me was in a counseling session where the psychiatrist said "here is your homework. come back next week with a reason why you are still in this relationship." I couldn't think of a reason and I never went back. He taught me all I needed to know.
@@misspad7282 Actually I did leave sooner. She found my car at the motel and started dropping by for 'fuckstops' um, and intentionally got pregnant. I was stupid, granted, but I paid for the next 20 years.
I’m tired of being told what to do and not to do, what I’m doing wrong, being talked to with no respect and a tone all the time, not receiving real love or appreciation or affirmation: enough is enough. I’ve felt alone and afraid in my own home for a long enough time now, my family and friends are begging me to leave her. Only hard part is we have a child approaching on 2 years of age. It’s brutal, but I’ve reached my limit and am seeking real loving connection. I look forward to it even if it’s in 5 years. I will not continue like this to look back on my deathbed and regret that I could’ve lived and experience a life filled with love and romance instead of fear and loneliness. No matter what, I will be the best father I can be, and the best man I can be, and always push for more.
I am in your exact situation except I am female and do not have a child. I feel miserable and trapped in this horrible house that I have to clean daily because of his messes. We both have to pray to God and gather inner strength to get a plan together to leave . I have desperately been trying to find an online job since the bastard won't let me leave the house to work . God bless you and try to hang in there . I don't know you , but I value you as a human .❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My narc parents' insults and daily threats were so brutal throughout childhood that I didn't even realize for years that my husband's more subtle putdowns , jealousy , silent treatment and undermining were similar to my covert narc mother's mildest behaviour . By the time I was 45 I was completely broken down from the multiple narcs in my life - I was literally the least important person in my own life . Nothing I did was good enough . Realizing how others' mean spirited and hateful treatment has affected you is the first step to getting out under their dead weight on your soul .
Lisa A Romano describes it as being a chicken in a tornado. You don’t realize you’re in a tornado until you leave. It’s not your fault, it’s what you knew and you thought it was “normal”. I’m so glad you are realizing that you can create a new normal.
I remember years ago when I did not know what narcissism is, never even heard of it. When I was trying to figure out why I was feeling confused and hurt in this relationship, I couldn’t even pinpoint why. So I literally googled, “Why do I feel so confused and hurt by this person and we’re not even really fighting…” literally so vague. That’s when all the articles and papers came up about “gaslighting” and narcissistic relationships etc. Before learning about gaslighting, I Didn’t even feel like I could tell anybody about it or get feedback because it was so difficult to pinpoint what was even wrong. I don’t know if this is making sense, but if it does to Dr. Ramani, I’d love to hear why it’s so difficult to explain narcissistic gaslighting behavior when you’re experiencing it toward you. 🙏🏽
I literally know exactly what you're feeling, and I can't explain it any better than what you did. It's so damn confusing to be feeling like there is something dreadfully wrong, and having the fear without knowing where it even comes from. So frightening to not understand why you have certain reactions to things.
You're not alone, it took me two marriages of 25 years before I found out what narcissistic abuse was/is.....once I realized, it took me two years to plan my exit and get out...now no contact for over a year my life has changed greatly. I dont know it I will ever remarry but heres the thing, I dont need to be with someone in order not to feel alone! Re-parenting myself has been the greatest gift to myself I every gave myself!
Some of us are lucky to come across content like Dr. Ramani on accident and some of us are unlucky enough to have to learn about narcissism through experience unfortunately. Don’t ever feel alone in this feeling! It took me two toxic relationships with different narcissists to realize what was happening. The first ex, however, was nothing compared to the damage the second ex caused. I remember feeling like I was in a literal fog and No matter what I did, how I did it, it was never enough for her. She was so sweet to me over the phone, so empathetic, etc… and when I would meet her in person, the insults would come out and they became nastier as time went on. She became so brave in her ugly behavior because she knew what she was doing; confusing me by giving me sneak peaks of niceness in a vast ocean of her disgusting narcissistic behavior. It wasn’t just the insults; it was judgmental comments about everything and anything, the constant criticisms and her self victimization, the love bombing then being a complete bitch the next second, the gaslighting, the outbursts, the dependency… at that point, I already had a vague idea of what gaslighting was but never thought about it until some post on Instagram came up about it… which lead me down the rabbit hole of discovering narcissism. It was so funny too. I would post things about narcissism on my story on IG, and I remember so vividly the narcissist commented on my post and said something like “this isn’t about me, right?” And rather than being direct I would just say something like “it’s about my mom”.... What a dumbass. Anyways, knowledge is power. I eventually straight up cut her out and blocked her on everything during her narc rage moment and it was hilarious. Did it with a group of my friends who were reading her texts with me and laughing cuz they were absolutely shocked at how psycho she was being for no reason. It’s so rewarding since typically the people around you don’t see the narc for who they really are but when they do it’s so satisfying. I hope everyone who’s ever suffered from narc abuse has at least one close person to validate their experience, this shit almost drove me crazy. I met her in 2020 and starting this year I’m just now picking up the broken pieces of myself but I’ve never felt better and I know she’s going to be miserable for the rest of her pathetic life.
I went through the same thing for many years 23 years to be exact! it was so bad but i still could not explain it or complain about it either then i was the crazy one blah blah blah. I was sick all the time nearly every other week i will go to emergency to seek help it was terrible and i don't even want my worst enemy to go through that kind of pain.
I’m so glad I’m out of my last relationship. All of my interests, my goals, my ideas and opinions were wrong and shot down through insults. It made me feel like a child. At the end when we would get into a conflict I felt like I couldn’t say anything so would sit there unable to say a word. Then he’d get mad I was silent. This threw me into hardly being able to breathe and I’d get a panic attack. Good times. So glad I’m out.
@Rafael Castro that is me right now .I want to leave but I can't,told myself that this month is the lastmonth for me being with this man,but I am now feeling guilty of living
I'm glad you got out. I'm in one just like that, I cannot do anything right and if he is mad he insults me then I shut down because I don't want to be mean back then he wonder's why I'm silent, then he gets more angry... He tells me I'm not that pretty and he wants another woman, so he gets on dating sites then tells me about it so he says he's a truthful man... Then he feels bad tells me he doesn't want to be a jerk to me. He tells me he wants to marry me then the next month he has another week or two that he gets like this again. Right now I'm numb on a lot of it. We been together for 4 year's and have a two year old together. His family has money so he's like I will get a good lawyer and keep him from you if you leave. I'm not sure why I'm with him a lot of the times, when he's in a good place he's a good guy, treats me good then at his bad times he is horrible.
As always, Great information. Cliff notes…if you’re having too many “WTF” moments, then you know! For me, leaving one (husband) and going no contact with another (mother & sister) has ENHANCED my life 10 fold🌿🌷🌿🌷. Narc magnet NO more! Peace and love to all🍃💜🍃💜
I'm trying to go no contact with my narcs. Mine are also sibling and mother. I've gone no contact with the sibling but they still manage to sabotage my life from afar, especially through my mother. It's more difficult to go no contact with my mother as financial and other factors are forcing me to live with her. And also....she is my mother and getting older, and I'm so scared of losing her, but also know I won't survive her abuse much longer. Fuxk it's so complex when narcs are family. I'm happy for you that you could escape. I long for the day that I can too. Take care, friend.
My immediate family has a black belt in insulting. That coupled with the "this is just how we show love!" especially when a bystander displays any kind of concern. My parents (married over 50 years) do this incessantly. Again, could be due to such a long time together, but I (maybe ideally) would think normally it would deepen the love?? My work relationships as well as romantic ones have mirrored this dynamic also, unfortunately.
I feel like the oddball as well. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships and people will throw around the words: Oh, he's only mean because he likes you. I was bullied as a child in school and so if a guy is mean to me, I don't want anything to do with them. I wish people would stop being mean to one another or to others as a way to show their love, because to me, that is nothing like love.
@@HaleyMary those are the enablers that don’t have the courage or care enough to see someone else is hurt by that approach. I have zero tolerance and it has made me weary of others. We know better😊
its because of the saying " you only hurt the ones you love the most" is why people feel its acceptable to abuse their family/friends. its just BS because true love shouldnt hurt
His favorite saying was “It’s your way or the highway.” It took me way too long to realize he always said that when HE was in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum because he didn’t get his way. And sometimes, him not getting his way meant he didn’t like the hair clip I was wearing or the way I did my makeup. What man with any shred of self respect throws a temper tantrum over that?
My ex made a huge argument over a cup of water I served him being room temperature when I felt like it was warm to me. He called me stupid and kicked me out of the room. 🤣 omg now that I put that in text or say it aloud it sounds sooo stupid!!! And man I couldn’t express myself as a wife because he would treat me as a child. He would always tell me “it’s either my way or the highway.”
My ex got mad at me for wearing necklace and earrings that I got from my parents. It was a torture where he wouldn’t even look at me saying he doesn’t like me dressing up for others. Bottom line is,I should only dress up the way he thinks I should. At that time the “Highway” ultimatum was what I got and that’s what I took!
@@Jeanslife44U I got My way or the highway and you will never see me again 4hats the way I am I'm not going to change Didnt want me to work or go to collage then at 60 he said get a job he is now gone I'm working the children saw through him have nothing to do with him -e was flirting with women in front of my daughter she shouted him out he was on dating apps notifications turned 6p on computer said he didn't know how they got his details then it stopped a phone call from an Indian man saying he's messing with him s daughter apparently a joke from him a friend Got arrested for soliciting a police officer paid a fine 5he list goes on while ignoring the rest of the family
I didn’t even realize I was not hearing half of what my parents spoke to me until my wife pointed it out. I just subconsciously blocked it out. Endless insults are poison to your soul.
When I disagreed with my ex husband, he would actually SCREAM at me that I was insane and needed a psychiatrist. I made an appointment with my health care provider to discuss this, and he gave me a written note that I was absolutely sane, a little quirky, but sane.
Same here, a girlfriend kept insisting that I go see a counselor for anxiety and various problems and when I did, the counselor was just like, why are you here? And she confirmed that I didn’t have any sort of anxiety disorder.
@@sandwichsteen I did have anxiety (gee I wonder why) and he played it to the hilt. That was his answer to any mood I would have, etc, telling me I was crazy Sometimes I would laugh at him and walk away, and he said that proved I was insane. And you should have seen his screaming tantrums Who's the crazy one????!!!!.
same here. My son's wife is a vulnerable narc, and I've done/said enough things that she ( a psych major) finally insisted I get therapy. My therapist said I was fine but probably should have joint family counseling with my son and his wife. My son exploded at that idea.
Yup I was told to see a psychiatrist as I stood up against someone who is not use to hear no. No matter what I always apologize and I said no to an apology as it was for my baby girl. I told that person your buttons and trigger don’t work as god is watching and your deeds are not dodged. That made that person angry and even scolded me that only reason she is their with me because I am agreeable and if I am going to change then it’s time for me to go
A peace of validation just washed over me. The insults and the name calling. And then the gaslighting my confusion. You just cleared away more chaos, Dr. Ramani!! I have been doing so much emotional cleanup lately and your words today were just what I needed to hear today. Feels peaceful thinking on this now. Feeling the feelings and then shining the light of knowledge on them at the same time is like being set free from pain. It’s easier to let go of that pain when I see it for the truth of what it actually is. My mantra lately is “these experiences happened to me, not because of me”…and it helps me regain my self-worth.
For all her high academic llevel, she talks to me like I am sat in the same room and on her level. She makes things very relatable, really gets her message through and uses very good examples. It is truly a gift she has...
Sadly, my ex would call me all the disrespectful names in the book. He also went as far as to disrespect my father and my late mother. Trying to turn me against my whole family. Then say sorry the next day and it became a cycle. Drained my energy and spirit that I have finally let go. It’s feels depressing but liberating at the same time but I know I will get through it.
I’ve noticed the narcissist in my life complimenting me when it gets them what they want or ultimately is actually a compliment about themselves to themselves. It’s like most things they say have a motive.
(2023) - Your comment is a really good comment!... - Narcissist have no room for nobody else than themselves.. What you are, do or accomplish, have no value - in any shape or form (!) - It is indeed 'hard' to believe (!) And this is why so many of these 'persons' can get away with it!.. The only way to get rid of them is to be involved with a Supportive Environment... - And it got to be the right one!.. 🗽 Wishing you luck & Solidarity (!) - Blessing You!... Greetings from Canada!..🍁
I had a sister who I have always steered clear of during our adult life because he personality is aggressive, cardi B influenced and “cut anyone out who offends me” mentality. She would always compliment me but they just never sat well with me. which is weird, I have friends that compliment me all the time and never get those weird vibes. But with her they just feel like side insults deep down. Never could understand what the agenda behind it was but could just tell there was always a motive.
The mighty narcissist who made my childhood and youth a hell had become a cranky old man with hemorrhoids who is not even loved by his children. Time spares no one.
That’s my dad as well! Fool who prepared me effectively for abusive adult relationships. What father does that to a daughter? I have zero respect for he
She told me: “You’re negative, gossipy, and mean.” I said, “Okay, I will try to be better.” She said, “No, you can’t be better. I’m just letting you know how you are.”
Translation: I won't allow you to believe that you can improve. This is a classic move. No matter what, never allow that person to grab ahold of your self worth.
Thank you for your videos! I do not have to deal with the insults anymore. We have been separated now for eight months. I plan on submitting my divorce papers next week!
For me, every traumatic experience he knew about me would be used as a weapon during even minor arguments. I experienced extreme obscenities, name calling, ridicule of me, family and friends. He ripped into my thoughts, ambitions, job choice, sexual morals, my culture, even race.... Was an interracial r'ship. I heard and still remember some of the worst things I have ever heard in my life.... And they were directed at me.
Please stop thinking they were aimed at you! They were aimed at the women in his life that he encountered and never could find equal footing with. Usually stems from some sort of childhood conflict. And then as an adult becoming enraged at himself for needing to be in a realationship with a woman, but also fearing women overall as well. Which leads to him never being MAN ENOUGH! Under any circumstance. So he hides behind a facade of aggression to maintain control so that HE doesnt get hurt again and is REMINDED once again of how he is NOT MAN ENOUGH!! HE IS NOT ENOUGH! And continues to be mired in self hatred!! And hence he deals out his own internal vitriol. Hurt people, hurt people. Release those memories bc they literally have NOTHING to do with you! Empower urself by liking yourself first n foremost. Then u can work on healing n self love. Live your dreams n find your freedom! Namaste ✌☮💫💕🌍
Bastardt. Remember, he doesn't deserve the space in your neurons. Doesn't deserve the rent free space in your mind. When you think of him change your focus on smth else, example your breath.
Me too, just not intr acial. But I've had lots of shitty things spit in my face by men, just not as many as this person. Oddly enough, when I finally was called a 'fucking degenerate' and my family were degenerates, he turned the switch off for me. Wish he pulled that card years ago. Would have saved me a lot of effing pain. Of course almost a day later it was like he never said it and he was back to his usual self. Yelled at me for even saying he said it. Yup. Beauty.
WOW! I am a psychotherapist and raised by a malignant narcissist and never hear most therapists give this information out so clearly, we need more therapist like you. CL
Wow you are Jungian psychotherapist! :) I love Jungian psychology! The channel This Jungian life on YT is also amazing and they also had a good video on narcissism.
Never justify, explain, defend, or overshare with a narcissist
NO NEVER EVER.
…This! 👏
That gets challenging when a Narc is your boss. Sometimes you need to explain your work or ideas. You just have to keep it as neutral as possible.
Just be captivating audience Listen 👂🏻 80% talk bs 20% and then escape
BTDT. Never again.
To a narcissist you can never have any issues with them. They take any criticism as an insult then tell you you're the problem
I see you've met my mother. And sister. I thought I was adopted for awhile but we look too much alike. I am, however, the smart one. 😆
Any criticism I gave mine was responded to by a rage response.
This is 💯 legit
This so much
Yes!!!
When they're insulting you they are self projecting their own inadequacies to control and keep you down. Keep calm and escape
Great reminder. Thank you.
…This.
Couldn’t agree more 💯
@@kconnolly6763 Yes indeed.
This is true. My narcissist used to tell me I was worthless for years finally I got tired of hearing it and kicked him out of the house he then started telling Me I should kill myself. One month later he killed hisself left a suicide note saying he was worthless....very sad
Never tell them anything personal. They will twist it around and tell everyone. They like to make you look bad and they'll tell everyone how they helped you.
When I visited my narcissistic mother I never told her anything except the most mundane things because she’d own it and brag or use it against me. She really didn’t know me after awhile. Then I realized that she really didn’t care who I was as a separate person. 😢
Sooooo True
So true
Sounds familiar!... Greetings from Canada!... 🍁
Dutt'n matter they could talk until their heart's content. Get indifferent, live, be happy. ❤
"Insults are the love language of the narcissist". Wow. SO TRUE.
It's so warped that it's kinda hilarious😆
Tell you horrible things then want your body
@@BLIQUEMIST26 unless it's your mom and then perhaps it's emotional incest
@@BLIQUEMIST26 🎀This! 👆. 🎀
I swear his insults were the most horrific insults I’ve received in my life. One of the worst was when he abandoned me out of the blue, after doing everything for him. He said: “In your next relationship do better. And I mean work hard because you need to put a lot fo effort in order to be valued by someone…”
The difference between a joke and an insult is that in a joke both sides are laughing, in an insult they are laughing at you.
Exactly. Within a family parents need to set that tone. If they don’t and siblings pick on and disrespect one another it causes problems. I had a sibling enjoy laughing at me often. Doesn’t exactly foster good feelings going forward especially when the parents just seemingly let it happen.
Yep. She went to Harvard
It’s put down humor, and it’s mean.
I call it the "mean girl' laugh...that contemptous "everyone LOOK we have a victim over here that is less than us" laugh..
my niece pulled this on me at Christmas dinner, I was having a conversation on hte other end of the table about lemonade and it turned to pink lemonade and then to grapefruit's effect on the body (a legitimate fact, there are meds you can't take if you eat grapefruit) and I mentioned that they say that pineapple can help with eye floaters...she suddenly burst out this LOUD mean girl laugh and said "OH MY GOD that's so RANDOM!!'. I just got up and walked away. I sent her a message telling her how it hurt my feelings and explained what we were talking about and she came back with "We were just having family fun, don't make it something it's not" I explained that I didn't just make it up...I read a actual study from Taiwan...and I also read an article on how scientists are studying the DNA of ancient grains to plot the migration of prehistoric people but it wasn't apropos of the topic at hand....
PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU DO NOT (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU AND PEOPLE WHO (DELIBERATELY) HURT YOU DO NOT LOVE YOU. It's that simple, but for those of us who have been narcissistically abused this is a bitter pill to swallow, a difficult truth to digest and come to terms with. I am 71 years old and I struggle with this reality daily.
❤
But you know this and are miles ahead of so many. The fact that you're introspective enough to know this and wise enough to learn says a lot about you! Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, please treat yourself with compassion!
OK, tell my alter ego who has this really shallow underpinning and falls for the best looking girl in the room who no one will talk to.
Over-confidence seems to work. But the personalities that go with a pretty face often don't.
It will never stop
@@anitaarya1451 no but at least there are those of us who have come to that conclusion so forewarned is forearmed💗
Dr. Ramani, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I left my abusive, alcoholic, narcissistic fiancé 5 days ago. I had to call the police at 3 a.m. and fled with my dog with only a change of clothes and a toy. He would insult me, use my insecurities against me, guilt tripped me, insulted me. He would punch and kick walls, and keep me up all night. Because of your videos, i began having dreams of one day being free, and I would cry every night just at the thought of marrying him. I was scared, and lived in fear. You gave me the courage of doing what I never thought I could.
Same. 💕
How are you doing now? I hope all is well.
😔💔 I’m so sorry to hear this Almaia. I hope you’re doing well now. I was in the same situation last January and I’m still trying to heal cos I stopped being with him last two weeks. It’s so hard to leave but I realised these people never change. He was also screaming, clenching his jaw whilst shouting at me, he’d bruise my arms or pin me on the bed and grab my face and just wouldn’t handle his emotions well. One day I became the narcissist because I had enough of him. I was so angry I gave him the same poison shouted at him spat on his face I was so exhausted. Truthfully a new person came out and I was scared of her. I am now so much better alone but cry a lot at night because I remember how he called me names and always made himself the victim. I should have left when he punched the door and when he’d chase me and I’d try hide in the bathroom. I was so used to this with my dad. I was abused as a kid and didn’t realise this is so stupid of me to accept in a relationship.
Thank you ladies, you are all so sweet! Hana I am so sorry because it honestly sounds like your experience was just so terrible. I thank God that you were also able to get out of the situation. I came from an abusive childhood myself, and I saw my mom stuck with my dad even though he was an alcoholic narcissist who would put his hands on her and us. I think in someway I thought that if my mom was able to put up with a man like that, so can I, and it should NOT be that way. Don’t blame yourself or call yourself stupid for accepting the relationship. They are good at manipulating and breaking you! Stay strong!! I am sure you are still a kind person with a beautiful soul! Take care of you and make yourself as happy as you can because you deserve it! I will NOT date anyone again unless he makes me happier than I can make myself!! 💖 Sending you a big hug! Good luck with everything!!
❤️
After being constantly gaslit and insulted, I feel like I will never know how to have a healthy relationship again. I don't trust people and I am super isolated.
Give yourself time to heal. As they say, it's better to be alone than to wish you were.
Go easy and forgive yourself- the rest will come with time. Godspeed to you
Shauna, you hit the nail on the head.. im not only leary of relaxing now, it's affected every aspect of my life and everyone meet... i wear the hurt and anger like a heavy coat..
Shauna, I've been there and I'm still not in a relationship after 3 years now. What really helped me is talking to a psychologist about it. You deserve real love in your life, don't let someone else ruin it for you. Keep it up warrior 🕴️
Omgoodness…me too!
I’m actually afraid that I will NEVER be able to trust anyone, ever again.
Therefore, little chance of finding….or even looking…for another relationship.
I believe everyone has an angle. Their kindness, etc could not possibly be real. Nobody would want me, or love me for me.
I’m sooo damaged after so many years of abuse. I honestly believe that I’m damaged beyond repair. 😢
This so reminds me of my former husband! He would insult me/my body (after bearing him 3 children) while we were getting dressed. The first couple of times he did this, I was dumbfounded, shocked and speechless. The last time this happened, I turned around and said 'well, I wouldn't look twice at you either.' The look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, the marriage did not last and I am now free!!!!!!
Kailei. That’s the trouble when you insult them back they can’t take it and it causes a huge fight. Then they gaslight you and say you are abusive. You can’t win!
@@roswb5388 EXACTLY
@Sara K. it’s very hard dealing with these individuals, and they never change.
How do you talk to your children about it? I'm halfway into divorce and my oldest misses him but I just can't...
@@korab.23 my son was 12 when we split. I told him that I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, it was important. That I respected that he loved his dad because he was his dad, and never wanted to interfere with that. I told him I never wanted him to feel he had to choose one over the other or that he was in the middle.
Within the next year, while in the middle of divorcing, my estranged husband committed suicide and it unleashed a whole new level of Hell. I didn't handle it well and was so angry with him for what he did to our kids by abandoning them that way. After 10 years of counseling and 15 years later, I am still working on forgiving him, but it allowed me to set a new household climate and move away from his controlling, authoritative dominion. The kids and I survived, and the son is a kind, loving, caring, non-violent but anxious adult now.
More than you probably wanted to know, but the road is a hard one and so worth it. Don't make excuses for your Ex's behavior, and try not to bash him to the kids. My best to you and your children.
"Healthy relationships do not involve insults."
Healthy relationships do not have hurts or mistakes that leads to insults
Weirdly though, friends of mine who have successful, long time marriages insult each other all the time - it's done in a jokey wat, but I would find it jarring if it was done to me.
@@Sarachouska Actually healthy relationships do have hurts and mistakes, because that's the inevitability of every relationship. However, they lead to understanding own mistakes and a willing to make things better, not insults and that's why they are called healthy. What you have just described is an utopian relationship.
I think the worse thing you can do to someone, is listen to what they have been through, and then put them through it again. For me this is exactly what narcissists people do. You over share something that happened to you and it is used as a weapon against you.
Mine used my inner most personal things I vented to her about against me. Spread my business. Sent naked pics of me to everyone. I mean the list goes on and on with the disrespect. But to hear her tell it, it’s all my fault.
Oh yes so true 😢
Exactly. I didn't know what narcissist behaviour was . Growing up with one parent like that I was used to it.
My first try at dating I ended up with narcissist. I was always anxious, stresses , at extreme of my emotions ..and when I asked to stop all those he said we are having completely healthy relationship. After long rant of his mistakes he told me I'm just like my father. That hurt a lot..when he used everything I told him against me. He called me a psycho and said no one would put up with me , I should be grateful. Consent was a joke to him . He talked as if he deserved my body just because we were in a relationship. When I refused coz I am a virgin .. he was ranting on that it's modern times , virginity is nothing, sex is pain and pleasure that should be enjoyed. When I refused to fall in line with that one he was trying to make me believe I'm wrong party . He shamed me for being traditional. I was craving for affection so I did fall in some way like video calls. Thank God for some sense that remained coz of my parents else I would have been in much deeper trouble.
Even after 5 months of no contact I'm still afraid coz after long periods of his stubbornness to not breakup he finally went away quietly and quickly after I said I'm scared and not interested in him. Maybe he realised I didn't fell in his trap because when I went back and read that last chat my responses to his many things were different from than my usual.
I'm afraid whether he has screen recorded our video calls which he forced me into ( I was also stupid for doing it coz I used to think that was so stupid earlier and now but at that time don't know what happened) . Whether he will call and blackmail me or if he will spread those . I can't even imagine those scenarios, my family will be hurt , my conservative society will shun me. But no matter what I won't return to him. Because living in shame as an outcast is better than living as dead body in prison
So true. It happened to me. I no longer tell the narcissist anything about me. I disconnected from them. Those who know the narcissist, I advise not tell them information you don't want to hear or use against. The more information they have about you, the more fuel they have to use against you to hurt you and control you.
I get phone calls from narcissist that I do not answer. Texts wishing happy birthday and holidays, I respond thanks. That is it. I don't want the trauma drama.
@@x426x Similar things happen to me. But hurted. Got away from them in January 2023 and took the year to get over the hurt. I have peace.
“The insults have an edge.” YES! It is never a “joke” or said in a light hearted manner. It’s a weapon used to break down victims/get them to submit.
Old saying: men give insults and don't mean them and woman give compliments and don't mean them.
Exactly
Agreed 👍.
And that's why you walk AWAY and NEVER look back!! NEVER!!
My narcs insults are assault weapons honed to a very sharp edge and intended to cut my jugular ....
When a narcissist insults you and you say “hey wtf?!” they say oh you’re too sensitive or get over it or I was just kidding. A friend says “I’m sorry”
So true ! This is how every conversation with my Mom went this last year. Only one “I’m sorry.” Only because she knows she would never heard from me again.
Yes I used to get 'oh I was just joking'...to me jokes are supposed to be funny.
And call you crazy for having emotionas
My husband does this a lot :-(
I always get “you’re too sensitive,” but then days later he says the same thing or something even worse.
Always tells me to shut up if I’m expressing my frustration because he doesn’t want to hear it and when he does something REALLY bad and makes me cry and really upset, he turns it around and tells me I have issues OR he starts acting like he’s upset and tries to make me feel bad for him.
I was out of town after COVID visiting my family after 3 years across the planet and he brought a random woman into OUR apartment.
When I called him on it he did what I said above.
I’ve tried to get over it. He proposed 5 months later but in my gut I’m still so damn angry. And any time something happens my mind goes back to that. If I ever bring it up and how much he hurt me he says “when are you going to get over that? It was nothing.”
So here I am. Living across the world with someone I don’t feel emotionally safe with but I can’t leave just yet since he owes me a ton of money.
This comes after my ex who was abusive on all levels.
Sending everyone out there who has dealt with trauma and emotional abuse, a HUGE hug. You’re not alone!
Coffee and Dr. Ramani..............how I start my day
❤I love this! This is how I spend early Sunday's also Coffee with the Doc ❤
Happy Sunday MV Agrippa
Truly
Yes🥰
...with unsweetened almond milk, sitting in my beautiful garden with at least three of my children (beloved pet hens) snuggled in my arms. Wild bird friends all around!
What better way to arm myself for the abusive workplace (all male narc crew), than love, beauty and a dose of Dr. Ramani.
Same here!!! ❤️❤️❤️
My husband loved to say I never contributed to the marriage after 22 years together, and 2 children. He always did his best to trigger an angry response so he could point me out to be crazy.
My ex husband did the exact same thing to me for 12 years. I feel your pain and I’m sorry you went through that.
Mine did as well and it has been almost five years trying to divorce him because he has spent all his time energy and money punishing me for calling him out in his bad behavior, mistreatment and abuse which he says I caused and deserve. He is evil in every single sense of the word. I would not want to be him for the karma and rather if God that is already in his life and is actively bringing justice (finally) to myself and our son. I wish you all the best on your journey to healing and that you have peace, hope and the self love that will bring you the amazing things God has for you!
Thank you Dr. Ramani! You do Gods work, you save, and you heal us, and we will never forget how you helped us in the hardest, most frightening fight for our very lives!! May God bless you beyond measure for all you do!!
Going through the same problem even after 50 years of being together. Can't handle it, I never knew before about this terminology and personality problem .No escape, no help from anyone else at this age, isolated.
Yes...thts what they used to do...
@@shanthigandhi6625I read and felt your pain. Sad your alone. You still have strength 💜
I also find that a good rule of thumb for determining whether a person is narcissistically insulting you or, as they might claim, “just kidding around,” is: how would THEY react if the shoe was on the other foot? Because narcissists always demand immediate forgiveness for their contemptuous treatment of you. But when you say something that even mildly hits an insecurity of theirs, they will be EXTREMELY quick to take offense and hold it against you, with no possibility of reconciliation or forgiveness, almost seeming to enjoy the victim status it gives them.
These are very thin-skinned people, who simultaneously want you to be extremely thick-skinned.
You nailed it! I walked on eggs around my narc relative and was undermined in a very subtle way for years. I would never dare speak to or about this relative the way they spoke to/about me. I never, ever felt I could safely stick up for myself and when I learned how this narc relative talked about me behind my back to friends and relatives, I was saddened but not, in the end, really surprised as I finally understood that this relative would never, ever actually like me, much less love me.
Precisely!!! Exactly this!
It's interesting. In Japanese, shameless people are said as "厚顔” (thick-skinned face).
@@stillaworkinprogress2147 I'd give this comment 100 thumbs up if I could!
So true, I know someone who loves throwing the insults and says I'm being too sensitive, but if I say it back to them and ask if they like it, you should see the look on their face!!
When we learn to emotionally detach, we can start to observe how hollow and empty a narcissist's insults are, much like the narcissist himself/herself. They say more about the narcissist's insecurities than about anyone else.
So very true.
Fact!!
The depths they will go to create as much emotional damage as possible
The problem with narcs is their skill for finding your weakness and going in for the kill at every opportunity. It's like a death by a thousand cuts...Also their ability to move in for the kill when they think you're at your weakest.
Case in point: I was sick with the flu, my gf came over to see how I was. She opened a video on my laptop about how people learn (why she thought this was a good idea when I was sick is beyond me) and when I said I tend to learn by doing. NO NO NOOOO you're NOT. YOU learn by watching!!! Umm I'm 55 years old, I've been learning new things the whole time, I should know how I learn...NO NO NO YOU DON'T.....(among other things) I eventually asked her to leave. lol.
Then there was the time I'd just gotten home from my father's funeral out of town, she came over to console me (I guess) and proceeded to start not one, but TWO arguments with me. Again, I asked her to leave. "I don't need this right now".
Pretty women adore the narcissist grande
The “kind” insults are the worst. I babysat for my “ex-boss”
She was constantly “complimenting me” but for some reason I NEVER felt good after. 90% of the time her compliments made me want to cry or get mad.
But they were worded so “sneaky” that I could never confront her. I would sound crazy.
I ended my job and very vaguely mentioned how I didn’t like how she treated me and I was done with her passive aggressive statements. She said
“I’m sorry you mistook my confidence in you as insults”
So gaslighting me was her last words.
a pro! wow
@@darrinsiberia what do you mean by they need help ?
@@sethlewis8262 Probably psychiatric help.
Good thing you listened to your intuition. Easier said then done. But YOU DID IT! :)
She was threatened by you you shouldn’t have left
You got it right. thank you. Do not react, remain calm, assert your worth, Detach, Stay on goal, be deceptive, do not give them ammunition, do not be vulnerable.
“Insults are the love language of narcissists.” You put it so well, Doc. I cannot agree more living through that my whole life
oooh . . . yes, i was taught that you only insult people you know well becuase they will know its a joke and you dont mean it.hmm
Yas, exactly. When she said that, it was like a slap to the very core of me. Very eye opening..
Ya that line hit me as very familiar and caught my full attention.
What has happened to this world we live in? I hadn’t even heard of the terminologies
‘narcissist’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘love bombing’ etcetera until 5yrs ago and I’m a 52yr old. What I was aware of was the SM@RT @SS PUT DOWNS by my INSIDIOUS MOTHER.
I had a Covert Narcissist as a mother who imo is Demonic and a father who was a violent alcoholic BUT SHE WAS the one who would set things up so I, being the oldest and most athletic, would cop the most VICIOUS HIDINGS FOR A LITTLE 9yr old girl.
IT CHANGED MY SOUL AND I’VE SEEN NUMEROUS COUNSELLORS ET AL BUT ALL THEY DID WAS TELL ME I SUFFERED PTSD, CHRONIC DEPRESSION, AND A PEOPLE PLEASER.
Odd thing is my mother attends a Pentecostal church!
VILE CREATURE WHO DESTROYED MY FAMILY.
P.S. What mother sits in the car after her 5yr old is put in the boot of a f’g car by her father because when we were children we suffered car sickness and my sister was sick? A MOTHER WITH DEMONS IN HER SOUL.
Agreed! I could never connect my relationship to a narcissist to these videos but that one sentence single-handedly put two and two together and now I’m CERTAIN I’m in a relationship with a narcissist.
I can't tell you how many times I heard "get over it" when I objected to verbal abuse. To anyone in this kind of toxic relationship, get out. People don't change, and you deserve better.
Yeah mine would do this
MEN HAVE NO 💜 HEART STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEM! THEY DON'T NEED TO BR IN RELATIONSHIP S
I ended a 5 year a few months back. Greatest choice I've ever done
So true. I hate when people tell me "You need to learn to forgive." or the same thing with "people change." attached to that because I spent my whole life (over 40) being treated very poorly and know that people don't actually change, they just get better at their crappy ways and if they can't they will move on to their next victim/s.
Here's my massive problem with forgiving:
The people who have bad tendencies toward others no matter how little or big now have an open door to be however they want toward you because they know they can get away with anything until you snap back but they know you are expected to forgive and until you do, for some strange reason most people look at you as the bad one. They always do it to nice people who then get a bad rep for not forgiving someone.
Makes it hard to want to spend my time on people because no matter how nice I am or what I do for people, they always expect me to just let people be nasty to me or I am the problem.
I was subjected to " get over it " too - it's painful
It is difficult because when you ask them to stop being so critical/ saying unfriendly things, sneer, a conflict starts and then you receive the blame for the conflict.
My ex narcissistic GF can whatever she wants but if I give her example on her, she goes ape shit. She says, "There you go again. You always have to get me back." I'm like what? I'm just giving you an example on how irrational and hypocritical you are...
And the " I'm just kidding " doesn't work after the 50th time, get away ASAP.
I was critical of them, for a good reason. Being critical of someone sounds wrong to many, it sounds like I'm being hurtful.
No. If you punch my friend, I will be "critical" of your behavior and point out the excessive violence. If you ignore me for days to weeks, I will confront you by asking why are you not responding to me. Etc.
Being critical is just questioning something that most people don't question. There is inherently nothing wrong with it, and in fact it is likely something that we all should cultivate to some extent, if not in the form of being self-critical (or self-aware).
Being critical is not bad, being unable to take responsibility and shifting it to those who are innocent is the problem. If you are anti-social, I will criticize you, justly, and you can either take responsibility or escape it and lose me as a friend. Your choice.
@@Minisynapse there are ways to say things . domination through rudeness is not ok.
@@Minisynapse It is not ok to dominate through rudeness.
The hard thing is (I think) is that you can never be sure this person is a narcissist. You'll be doubting your own judgement, thinking that you yourself are the narcissist when you find one of these trades in yourself while drowning in selfdoubt and indecisiveness. Ironically, that is exactly the type of person a narcissist loves to work with. It's hard.
You can be sure if you set (know) your own boundaries.
I totally understand 100 percent. Started keep a notebook so I could go back and look at each screaming session . Have also started secretly recording when it starts to see what is really going on. It was even harder for me to see clearly because my mother was a narcissist and as a child I developed coping skills to survive. Making me prefect prey .
Narcissist can destroy you. You’ll look back and wonder how you could’ve gone from a decisive, brave and confident person to someone who feels like you just want to get out of this life because you’re a failure. Don’t listen to the scripting they gave you. It’s time to be brave in your own story again.
Been going through this for the past 3-5 months, everyone says I'm not the narcissist. I keep doubting my judgement about her, while thinking I'm the one being the narcissist...
@@cmontygman if you are empathic to others and are happy to please, you are certainly not the narcissistic kind
What baffles me is how quickly he would turn from someone who was calling me beautiful, amazing and loved to calling me crazy,whore and bitch. Sometimes less than 24 hours. I decided to get off the crazy train a while ago but having trouble totally letting go. I think I've just been totally traumatized by the entire experience.
Wish you all it takes to get rid of the manipulations and be free, blessings!
I was called whore, bitch and c*nt by my ex constantly. I finally got sick of it. I looked at him and said " Well, if I'm a whore, bitch and c*nt, why are you with me!!??". He was stunned. I made him think. Unfortunately he raged at me. I just stood there and smirked. He was completely freaked out. I packed my stuff and left the next day.
Of course he raged at/over me when I was packing some last things. He shoved me HARD. I shoved him back. I told him that whatever he does to me physically I would do right back.
I experienced the same thing with a narcissist. We could go from exchanging Christmas presents to him screaming at me about what a “whore” I was in a matter of a couple of hours. It was terrifying.
Karla… you deserve better, you deserve to be called beautiful and amazing but without being called all the awful unhealthy names… don’t look back…
I am so traumatized by the word whore because of my abusive ex. He must have called me a whore almost daily
A relationship with a narcissist will never survive if the victim finds self love. I’ve realized that. They will go to great lengths to stop you any way they can.
The true goal of the narcissist in any relationship is simply to feed off the victim. Should the victim ever rise, speak the truth, and demand change, the narcissist's end game becomes to utterly obliterate the victim.
@@vnrjn8 A weakling could never obliterate anyone. Anyone caught in the narcissist’s web should wake up to the truth of how strong they actually are.
They will tell you that YOU are the selfish one if you discard the narc.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER.
That is true. Once I began to feel more confident and happy with myself, this narcissistic bitch tries and tells me that my happiness is 'fake' and that changes like that don't happen that quickly
Cut them off, been happy with life ever since
My mum always insulted me and I used to think it was just an “Indian culture” thing but my husband stood up for me as he always always hated it when I didn’t speak up or just brush it off. Than they started saying he was a bad person and played me and him against each other. We shut them out and now are happy as we don’t deal with any family members.
Good for you
Growing up, my parents also likes to insult & gaslight us. When I went for Uni I found that everything they say was a lie & never trust them again
Fantastic!
Good for you!
seems insults in "Indian culture" are a common occurrence. The women in my life have insulted, by this definition, the men in their lives. Now, I'm not even sure if it counts as insults or if I'm over reacting. Insults. "Your fault" are quite a staple in all relationships (not just Indian), I thought, till I saw these channels - but I still have a feeling that it's just an Indian thing, and not really abuse of any kind.
My family of origin is caucasian (white/European) and I called it the "Three Act Play". Act 1: "I know everything." Act 2: "You know nothing." Act 3: "Here are all the other ways that you are a terrible person that have nothing to do with the original topic/controversy". Once it started up, I knew exactly where it was going. I married a South-East Asian and our life is so much better than the example I had growing up. I don't think its because you're family is Indian.
I read your book “Should I Stay or Should I Go” in 2003. This enabled me to escape the narcissist husband after 25 years. It took me many years to get past it, and my health improved at least 50%!
Good for you!... 🗽 - Greetings from Canada! - 🍁
Omg I bought that book too!!! I didn’t realize it was Dr Ramanis book. Unfortunately all these years later I am still trapped with my narc.
You feel with a Narcissist that no matter what you do or say they will always find fault with you.
This. I once broke a leg. Was my fault tho but… He was so mad at me that he had to help me. If my partner would break his leg (even tho it would be his own fault) I would love to help him! I cant understand how you can be mad at someone then.
My ex was unbelievably ruthless when it came to the insults. He knew my insecurities and just tore into over and over. My weight, how I dressed, my hair, how I did my make-up, even my vehicle, and the color of my nail polish, he hated everything about me.
He would tell me I’m lucky to be with him because he could have his choice of any thin, gorgeous, independent, well educated women he wanted but yet he chose to “slum” with me and I should be grateful for someone as talented and successful as him.🙄
I put up with him for far too long.
Enough was enough. Ended the relationship and went no contact. Never been happier. The peace I’ve experienced after being in a relationship with a narcissist is priceless.
This is my ex-husband. But he alternated these insults with days of putting me on a pedestal for my intelligence and my looks. He was always comparing me with other women and telling me I should dress and act like so and so.
You did well. I cringed reading your comment. Stay no contact 🙂
Trust- he’s much happier!!!
Im so sorry you had to go through thar..I can feel your pain through the screen
That whole put you on a pedestal and then knocking you down! I realized why he had me suspicious and jealous of other women- he was trying to separate me from anyone willing to listen and help. “You’re not like all those dumb --‘s! You x y z!” Absolute red flag.
I spent 20 years in an on /off relationship with a narcissist and he reduced a confident, outgoing me into a complete empty shell of a person. Insults were said with a smile and he gaslighted me so much I thought I was going insane. Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc. I finally came to my senses when his mobile was stolen and the guy who stole it actually texted me to tell me my boyfriend had 3 other women on the go (he could see all the texts/messages). Karma is a b****! Anyway, I dumped his arse and have been happily married to a lovely guy for 14 years. There is hope after such a nightmare.
@Carmen Mac spot the narcissist
@Carmen Mac its you
I lost my spleen because my narcissistic boyfriend beat me. Stay strong and get rid of the narcissist in your life
"Not turning up when we had a date, not calling for days and then blaming me for lack of contact, comparing me to other 'better' women etc". ... sounds EXACTLY like my narcissistic ex they're so linear and predictable.
The kindness of strangers can really assist you sometimes with these devils
„contempt is the death of a relationship
insults are a primary means of comunicating that contempt“ … I had to write that one down. thank you dr. ramani 🙏
I hold up a mirror… if they say “ you can’t do anything right” I show them who they are by responding “ wow your really negative, and that’s sad” and walk away. What ever they try to project I show them who they are, “ you’re family is really screwed up”, - “ you really enjoy talking bad about other people “ and walk away. Leaves them speechless every time.
Yes.
Scribbling sound as I take notes
projection is such an NPD thing to do.
Ego boundaries penetrated and disregarded in childhood must be built up again in adulthood, but certainly cannot be done with a narcissist.
it's called "name the game". the quickest way to shut up the bully. You don't play according to their rules but instead point out why they do what they do.
Yep. I'm lazy, I'm fat, I don't know how to dress, I'm not smart, I'm not sane. Its funny that nobody else describes me that way.
Same thing here. This went for years with my narcissistic boyfriend. He was the only person ever to say hurtful things like. But when I’m out and about or at work it was exactly the opposite. The funny thing was the before we entered into the relationship he was one of the ones that complimented daily and went out of his way to do so. But shortly after we began dating he became a monster!!! Insulting me and berating me for no reason at all. But I noticed that all insults and berating was about his own insecurities. He was referring to himself but used it on me to torture me because he was tormented in his head.
@@jacquelynhaas8184 you better believe he’s lying!!!! It’s a trap to keep you in a state of despair!! All because of his own self hate!
Exactly. The narc is the ONLY one that apparently sees all these terrible qualities in you.
Lol I was lazy and messy despite working 2 jobs 7 days a week, a bitch, have too many problems and nobody wants to deal with my nonsense, need to get over myself, selfish, greedy, fat, and just a terrible person overall 😂
@@Musicandlyrics2400 wow! It’s insane! What miserable people living in there head!
They call you idiot, stupid, spoilled brat, immature, crazy, ASH....it is awful, and they don't do it once, they do it over and over again, also accompanied by sarcastic and mean jokes, passive agresive comments, mockery💔 At the same time they claim to love you. It does not make any sense, that's the ultimate gaslighting, confusing💔 Those who truly love you don't treat you like that. Nobody deserves to be insulted, abused.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani💕
Exactly! Every single word applies to me.
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, not easy. Those are words that are very hurful, and they know what they are doing when they use them with us💔. Educational and validating videos like this and all of Dr. Ramani's videos are crucial for healing. We all deserve true love, respect, kindness, empathy, and healthy relationships. Thank you for the reply, I wish you all the best💜
@@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876 you too. Wish you the very best. I am still reeling with what happened to me. Hope you came out before things got worse for you. Or have a plan to come out. 💔
@@bhanuiyer5159 Yes, I'm out, thank you. It took 9 months to heal, but it is possible. There is hope💜
Same here, exactly as you describe. They'd say they don't do it on purpose and continue doing it. Complete asshole. I'm never again allowing such people in my life. :)
Having been raised by a narc mother who insulted me constantly, I thought that was normal. It took me years to learn that it is not.
Me too. And I believed her insults. I’ve had to unlearn them and it’s taken years.
@@lillianbarker4292so proud of you for that.. I haven’t and I’m 60 this year.. I still believe that I’m stupid and no wonder I can’t keep a man 😅
@@daisyroots8926 I found a man who worked with special needs middle school kids. He really helped me emotionally. It’s not too late to find love, though he may not be handsome. 🥰
Same here and I found an account from a teacher who was coaching me extra who was coaching, asking the headmaster to « diplomatically » speak to my mother and ask her that I don’t go home on week ends because it was taking me half the school week to get myself together ……..which made me nogo for schoolwork.
Everyone in the extended family was happy to look the other way just to have their peace……which ended up being at my emotional cost with the perk of on top of it of feeling guilty.
Who ever might me the abuser……..RUN !!! You will find friends who become your family….a better one…..maybe a spouse, but do not jump in with that one. Someone who genuinely loves you, will give you time. Do not bow to….if we had a child it would make things better…..the ultimate death trap.
The insult wrapped in a criticism, followed by a "you're so sensitive", that's the narcissist's main course that they like to dish out.
I love too answer them on that one.if you weren’t so narcissistic I wouldn’t be so sensitive 😂
…They think they’re being slick, but they’re not. 😐
I hear this all the time as well as you need to not to take things to personal
'Dont take this the wrong way, but...' - 'I don't mean to upset you, but...' - 'Everything is okay, but...' - all straplines indicating that criticism, insult and belittling will follow, usually with a serving of word-salad.
@@clogs4956 Yep, those word salads they use-- when they came from my former covert narc, they were NEVER healthy salads, that's for sure!
"Don't take things too personal" or "you just can't handle criticism", we've all heard those before. Don't even bother engaging, it's not worth your time. Stay safe and stay healthy.
Everyone has the right to be treated well. Do not let ANYONE take that from you..
I wanted to say thank you for creating these videos. My partner and I both exhibit narcissistic qualities and we use your videos to recognize them and correct them, in doing so we better ourselves and remove the toxic qualities from our marriage.
That’s great that you both are open to accepting accountability, being vulnerable enough with one another to admit your personal shortcomings, changing, and growing together.
The one thing I learned from my narcissistic relationships is that I gotta love myself more. Be firm in my truth and not cave. I’m ok with giving up my “man card” or “black card” if it means I get to be myself. I’m choosing me.
What is a man/black card?
Man its crazy how you don’t realize your in this type relationship till it hits you. I trying to find myself as well and love myself. Keep doing you bro
I hope your next relationship is a good one.
Bless you.
Narcissists are vampires.
They are not fully human.
@@dinos9607 I'm guessing Ash is referring to the No True Scotsman fallacy. You're not really a man if X, you're not really black if Y.
With my immediate family who are narcissists, I wouldn't say they give out insults like the typical person. But they don't give compliments or affection either 😕 but then to the outside world, they come as charming and friendly. But behind closed doors, they are cold.
Like you said outside it looks warm and cozy but behind close door it is like inside the fridge
I learned that when compliments come with the right hand that the left hand is about to drive the dagger in my 5th rib.
…Relatable.
Yes they always put on masks for the 📷. Narcs were wearing masks long before this Covid foolishness!
Same here🙄✋
I ended a 10-year relationship when he told me on Easter morning that my three kids "didn't love me." After years of enduring his insults, contempt, gaslighting; emotional and even on occasion physical, abuse, it FINALLY dawned on me in that moment, "This man doesn't love me." We both knew what he said wasn't true (and he later tried to apologize) but the fact that he would ever say something that awful and hurtful to me was the final straw.
He told me , " I swear in a year time your dad will die and none of my relatives will come to the funeral and you will feel humiliated". My sick dad eventually died 3 years after and I left just after that monstruous and hainous declaration. He did exactly what he said, my dad had a befitted funeral and COVID excuse was what I gave as explanation. But I have been so happy since, I have welcome back who I was.
NB: those people are sick, he lost his dad when he was a teenager and my dad loves me so much, maybe envy, who knows? They are mentally sick.
@@annickgladzah2272 Sounds like you and I both had a limit, and their nasty remarks finally exceeded it. I'm glad you are in a better place now. I think, deep down, narcissists are really miserable people.
Samething just happened to me ! He told me my kids dont love and i dont love them and ima bad mom Omg ! Crazy
@@shaisoblue7008 Hope you're not with my ex, LOL! Seriously, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know it really hurts. You deserve so much better.
My parents were struggling to survive and in frustration he called me a slut 27 times and gave a description of how i slept with 10-15 men and I was responsible for my parents' condition and i should f**k my dad and that's why my mom hates me. He cursed my belief system, scarred me for life. Later apologized, begged and asked me to forget everything marry him right away. And I ended then. He kept torturing me, coming back from friends, crashing my home late at night and torturing me will ringing bells at 11 PM. I called his mom and said I am complaining to Police. That's when everything stopped. He even lied and said he was gang raped by men that's why he is broken and needs to fix. (Trust me 3 years or relationship and everytime new abuse, or how his mom poisoned his food, delusional justification after every apology as emotional blackmail). I just walked away and that triggered him . Now I am healing. He crossed the line
This narcissist abused me so much even I became abusive in the relationship. I HATED myself with him . I kept taking “revenge “ the same way they hurt me first but somehow he couldn’t see what was he doing and shifted the blame on me . I was confused that I might be a horrible person . Self worth was hitting ground , started justifying his behavior , never ever again , I’ll deal with such ever again !!
"...the contempt they feel for the
people that they need..." That is so
on target!
Fucked up personality
The favourite narcissistic's thing: insulting, pretending it's a joke if we said we feel hurt, telling us we're too sensitive if we insist it doesn't feel like a joke, and telling us we're complicated if we insist we're not insensitive. And it goes on and on until the narcissist escape accountability for the initial words.
I would have to add that there is a lack of empathy/sympathy when we tell them that it hurts
Truth 💯
I just discontinue contact. People like this don’t deserve an explanation. These are the people that deserve to be ghosted. And quite frankly, it’s seems that it’s becoming more common among men and on the rise in general
and the old "I never said that" routine.
@@senoracheapee1864 Definitely
Dr. Ramani, thanks for: "Healthy relationship is a safe place."
Reasons I never wanted to go home as a child...
Reason I never wanted to go home as a wife...
You ladies love a narcissist
@@ruebencristobal7790 The ladies were hoodwinked by gaslighting groomers!
Contempt is a death of relationship. What a great advice! I'll teach that to my children.
When I would get upset, my dad would always tell me not to be so sensitive, that his insults were just loving ribbing like you described, but it wasn’t. It was just the beginning of years of abuse and my first experience with gaslighting. And recently he had the nerve to ask me what happened to all of the confidence I had as a little kid. 🤦♀️ I see my son exhibiting the same behaviors that got me smacked down as a kid: confidence, a willingness to debate current issues with evidence, and the ability to teach me something new. And I do my very best to appreciate his intelligence and encourage his lively mind instead of how my dad handled it. I know about the cycle of abuse and that there was trauma that shaped my father and his mother, but I feel it’s up to me to break that cycle.
Way to go!
Yes. My mom would always say to me “don’t you have a sense of humor?” If you are an intelligent adult, it’s very easy to cleverly belittle a teenager. It’s not a fair fight. My own experience parallels what has been said in some of these videos: separation really helped. And yes, I’ve managed to find other narcissists to get into relationship with but I’m learning.
it is up to you to stop generational trauma! you are DOING AMAZING! I appreciate your story and how you are raising and treating your son, he has an amazing mom!
Oh my god...That's exactly what my father did, destroyed my confidence and now has the nerve to complain about my anxiety painting it as "shyness" and telling me to "be bold" but it doesn't work that way.
Good job! Recognizing the cycle is the first and hardest step.
This is the video that helped me realize why the “jokes” never sat right, and even hurt. It’s was the catalyst to see that I am in this type of relationship. Thank you
Yeah, the guy I dated started calling me “his bitch” and “his whore” - i thought maybe that was a sex thing lol 😂 but it was out of the bedroom.
I didn’t want to be called bitch every day. I thought about what would happen to me if I heard that every day…. For a year? Like what would happen to my self esteem.
Same. My bf would call me a “Ho” and a “good ho”. Would tell me it wasn’t an insult and to lighten up
My "aha" moment with my toxic family arrived because of insults. Every time one of my siblings would say something insulting, I would simply say: "Wow, that was really insulting." After a while, one of my sisters said "we always insult you."The others just started laughing.
I just walked out. That was the moment I knew that I had to go no contact.
My father used to call me ugly (to this day, I avoid mirrors and don't have any that aren't pre-installed in the house; I have no ability to evaluate my own looks, but on the 1-10 scale, put myself at a 2). My day of freedom finally came when I simply answered back, "You're fat and your business failed due to your own incompetent mismanagement."
Both parents started yelling.
I have always thought of the perfect reply 6 hours too late. I always sounded flustered and childish. So, I would never have been able to do what you did.
Luckily, I started doing what my parents had always told me to do. I simply would not reply.
All of my Northern California (Kumbaya) therapists had insisted that they were wrong. I went through all of these "role play" sessions to learn what and how to discuss how their insults made me feel. When I came back and told them what my sister had said, they didn't believe me. I must have misunderstood.
That's when I ended contact with them.
💕
Right, because they knew and were conscious of their behavior and comfortable with dumping on you.
I know exactly what you're talking about...Good for you!! 👍👍👍
A narcissist will tell you it’s your fault you have cancer everything is your fault ! The narcissist is always correct they are perfect and everyone else has a problem but them !
Hello from Oregon it never seems to amaze me how these narcissist people all read from same ply book but im glad it's starting to come to the light no one deserves to be treated so poorly that they literally lose themselves in this abusive matter, stay strong survivors and love yourself first it's not selfish it's survival, thank you Dr.Ramani your a beautiful soul
...👋😁, hail from Oregon! (Albany)
So, true. 👍
That's exactly what I've noticed too; Every one of these narcs, no matter the role they play in someone's life, all behave and abuse the same. It's uncanny.
I've begun trying to care for myself and my narcs are going insane with their abuse towards me. They say exactly what you wrote, that I'm selfish and ungrateful to show self care and love. They gaslight, manipulate, derail and are mean because they want full abusive control over me. They want me to have nobody in their lives, except them, and the few times I've managed to have a friend or a partner, they've told me that, that person A. was taking advantage of me or that I fell all over them or B. They tried making that person put them first, and expected that person to do everything for them, from doing their shopping to holding their handbags to driving them everywhere to fixing stuff I the house to helping them cook and so so much more. if the person refused (happened very sedlom), and said wtf I'm not your friend/partner, they'd smear campaign the person.
They're so toxic.
You nailed it with, insults being the love language of the narcissist! Thank you for your series 💕
It takes great wit to be insulting. 😘
Most of the time, their insults are a projection of who they are or what they do. It's not about us, it's about them!
I've noticed that
Yup
This is the truth. My ex was ranting and calling names and I told him to look in the mirror when he opened his mouth to calm me names. He stopped and had a look on his face as though I had slapped him.
So true , my ex would say , oh stuffing your face again and the funny thing was , the guy ate way more than I did 🙄
I got told “You used to look so good” while pointing to a picture of myself when I was thirty. This is when I was fifty. I guess I wasn’t supposed to age. My ex narc husband was wrinkled & losing his hair at the time, but he told me “I deserve a sexy & attractive wife” when he discarded me for his alcoholic girlfriend. She is now in prison for felony dui.
HA! Karmic Return for him!
, we are sure he is looking desperate looking for a new mommy type sexy thing. I’m sure he is going to be worth it to some desperate fool! HahahA
2023: Good for you!... Hoping you get all the help you deserve for your recovery!... 🗽
Bless you!... - Greetings from Canada!... 🍁
When you love someone, they are always beautiful.
@@dlzk12😖😖🙄🙄🥴🥴😵💫
"Insults, frankly, our the love language of the narcissistic relationship. It's about the narcissist's need to dominate, coupled with ***the contempt that narcissistic people feel for the people that they need***. So, by insulting them, it limits any kind of intimacy and any kind of vulnerability, and also allows the narcissistic person to maintain control, power, and dominance." 🤯🤯🤯
@Callie Maud Yes, this explanation is perfect! It's exactly why they insult us, and why the relationship goes nowhere - and why our gut tells us to leave. People who are genuinely capable of love don't insult their partners! It's as crazy-making as it is heartbreaking.
Exactly like Stockholm syndrome they Hate U
Yeah, that hit something fierce.
@@tashasmith2245 same, my heart sank,.... then seemed to resurface with a new light shining on it. I love these moments :)
This is exactly describes my narcs and how they treat me. EXACTLY.
My husband of 30 years finally gave me an insult that was the final straw. I got my four year degree in registered nursing from Cal State University Chico twelve years before I met my husband. One night late in our marriage we went out to dinner with a couple and I told them where I went to college. When we got home he said to me "Don't you ever, ever, ever tell anyone ever again you went to Chico State. It's embarrassing." That was it. I shut down after that and now he is my ex. I could't believe he felt that way. Of all the insults and verbal abuse that one will stay with me forever. By the way he went to USC so he thought state universities were for bottom feeders.
Gud for u.. Thank god u left him.. God bless u❤🙏
Deborah
I’m with you. You never saw it clearly but when you did!
I got my chiropractic dr’s degree at age 40.
The parents call it a “piece of paper” and how it made me become arrogant and better than the rest of the their kids.
With that encouragement they are not in my life going on five years.
Took me 60 years.
I worked on my “SELF” as you did.
Keep it up. Stay on these channels and keep helping others. You DO MATTER!!
Oh wow. I'm glad you are out.
@Douglas Farshtey Thank you for saying that.
Beautiful 🗣Frame your diploma in gold from alimony 💰🏆Love Karma
I got out of my 20-year narcissistic relationship a year ago, and the positive impact it's had on me is noticeable. I take better care of myself because I'm not being insulted and criticized anymore. I value myself more because I don't have someone making me feel like shit all the time.
It's only been a year, and I'm excited about all the positives I'll continue to see in myself in the coming years. If you can leave these relationships, do it - it's WORTH it!
@Donna N I totally agree! 🌺
Thank you for sharing this 💗
I envy you
I bet your partner is doing better than you are
@@joshuamcnab9605 ?
I really like that she understands that some folks are either not willing or not able to walk away from a toxic relationship like this. I'm frankly tired of the channels that ignore interpersonal, social, and religious realities by always advising, "You can't win. You are going to continue to be miserable. Just walk away". Hearing "if you're stuck in the relationship, here's what you need to do" is incredibly helpful
Definitely! It's very scary to do and most of us would prefer to have a plan before we try so that we don't fail and have to go back. If that happens, the relationship gets even worse than before if the narc has caught on.
okay, I will share some things that improved my daily living before I escaped my ex of thirty one years. At that time, I did not know about narcissism or even the different kinds of abuse. I just thought he was mean. I learned all on my own, to practice reverse psychology with him.
Example: He harassed me for years about cutting off branches of my beloved landscaping plants, just because I found pleasure in their beauty. It occurred to me one day, to tell him, yes, he could go cut branches off. That's okay with me. Guess what? He never touched them and he never harassed me about them again. After that, I began verbalizing the opposite of what I liked or wanted, because I knew it would end better for me that way. If I loved something, he would ruin it or get rid of it. It was safest just to project indifference.
Another example concerns money: While being trapped in a moving car far from home, he would verbally abuse me to tears too many times to count. One day, I just told him if he didn't stop it, I was going to take a taxi home and it was going to cost him a lot of money. I meant what I said, and he knew it, and because money was precious to him, he stopped.
But, overall, it was short term, and I learned it was best to refuse to ride in the same car with him and to drive separately as much as was possible.
Another money example: He secretly broke into my hundred dollar locked rolling book bag/suitcase to spy on my notes from counseling sessions. I feigned ignorance that he was to blame, but loudly complained to him about my case breaking, and how I was now going to have to spend a hundred dollars on another one. I wish I could have a picture of the look on his face when I said that!!! The new case was never broken into. What a shock.
Traveling/flying: When our daughter graduated college, I refused to fly on the same plane with him, or stay in the same hotel room with him. It is best to avoid situations where you are trapped with them. You end up finding ways to protect yourself. I could go on and on. Hope a few ideas help. I was in a Protestant church that did not believe in divorce, so I was shunned after my escape. I am no longer begging God to kill me. I wish you strength, wisdom and safety.
True. I can't leave my home for many reasons to start a whole new life, but share it with a narc who revealed himself 10 years into our 15year relationship. I was stunned and traumatised and am now detached. I'll never trust him again because now I know what he's capable of. But that distance has been a huge help. Insults and verbal cruelty gave him away, and now I know he just hasn't got the emotional or mental capacity. It's actually freeing. Now I live my life and he lives his, and we share physical spaces, but he has no idea who I am. Fine by me. I will never reduce myself to his level. Demanding my own space has made me feel like a teenager again in my mid 60s.
The list is endless and the viciousness and contempt are nearly the daily bread……but I am QUIETLY PREPARING MY EXIT OF THIS DEADLY AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIP PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!
I pray you got out safely or will 🙏🏼❤️
JESUS LOVES YOU! I pray that you know that GOD will be with you. HE always is. And best wishes on your strategy. Hope it all comes together for you soon. 🙂 I will pray for you and ask you to also pray for me in mine. Thanks in advance. 🙂
My narcissistic "best friend" used to insult me all the time. Whether it was passive remarks about my weight (I'm literally only a size 12/14 UK) or when he would randomly pick a fight with me, he would say I was stupid or "not intelligent enough" to understand anything we'd ever talked about. I loved him and the insults were so far apart in our 9 year friendship that somehow I just overlooked them. When he tried to revive our friendship and I basically told him no, he went back to insulting me and said our friendship meant nothing to him anyway. I made the right decision.
Same.
That's no froend
that is definitely not a friend. Don't go back.
You definitely made the right choice that's not a friend. He didn't deserve your friendship and the fact that his insults were so far apart and in between that's from someone that's calculated. He's evil.
My ex husband is a narcissist. I had self esteem issues. He played on that. He would cut me to shreds with his words. In the end I found out he was jealous of me. He worked on my kids and now they all hate me. It took 15 yrs of me trying with 2 of my 4 children. They don't talk to me anymore. I have finally accepted it. It's awful. Narcissists will hurt their own children to hurt a spouse.
That sucks, I hope you get them back one day. If you have their number, maybe try sending them videos like this.
your kids that don't speak to you must be narcissists, also.
Why would she want easily swayed people back in her life though? They're volatile or fair weather fans, which means they are unreliable and will never genuinely care about you. People who actually love you don't abandon you.
Yes.. they can do anything to save their skin …. to constantly blame others for their own faults… n they can go to any extent to get cheap reputation .. when at heart , they are not at all that good or sensible… n last but not the least .. they can act too carefully so that people do not realise their actual face..!!
@@AndHisNameIsJohnCenaaaa it's possible they really don't want to speak to her for a good reason
Just got out of a 6 month thing with a narc. I'm realizing now he insulted me often but would disguise it as a joke. It started to feel normal after a while. Very glad i got out. 🙏🏻
“contempt for the people they need” resonated with me relative to an adult child
Same here. Not so sure he's actually a narcissist, but something is definitely wrong. He needs therapy and/or meds, but he refuses. He also refuses to move out, even though he hates living here. At least he pays rent (albeit cheaper and includes more than he'd find anywhere else), which we actually need, and he helps some around the house (when he feels like it), which we need too. It's a fairly nice arrangement for all of us when we're getting along, which is the majority of the time, although I do always feel like I'm walking on eggshells when he's home. And then inevitably there'll be a blowup over the tiniest thing... he had one a week ago and hasn't talked to me since... it's heartbreaking and I can't keep living like this..... :(
Insulted by a family member for years, and having it played down by other family, and been told I am too sensitive or I should just ignore it... I have withdrawn from the relationship. Thank you for affirming this for me in this vlog.
@@rudythecat7320 I think so too.
"It's just a joke" as they so often say when confronted. Yeah, so are you. And I've found the strength to affirm that by cutting you out of my life. :-)
Flying monkeys house supporting demons who worship the head demon.
"We only hurt the ones we love". A line that my narcissistic ex-partner would say to me so frequently that I ended up romanticising and believing it eventually!
@@melw3313 So sorry you had to go through this. Wish you can break free and start healing and one day find a partner that truly loves and supports YOU more than themselves.
Just wanted to tell you that there's good people out there among both men and women that wouldn't just use you for their own satisfaction.
Sending hugs and healing :)
It’s also what I would use to excuse my parents and siblings to my friends.
My father used to say
‘Love is unconditional’ whilst putting all the conditions and trials and pitfalls upon it….
It’s true in a sense, but not the sense they meant. It’s true we usually only hurt the ones we love because we spend the most time with those people by far, so statistically speaking they’re most likely be there when we fuck up. The quote obviously isn’t supposed to mean it’s totally okay to do so.
And when they insult, they say “I am just honest person and being honest to you”
Wow he said same thing he just “keeps it real”
Yep. I just can’t take honesty.
Or I'm a ''Realist''
Yes, he just told me that, too. That he just keeps it real. @lusciousluscious668
😢
This is so important " Do not justify it " . Justifying the insults by ourselves or especially by people around us cause horrible confusion in mind over a long time .
Thank you so much Dr Ramani 💖
maryam,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
Listening to your content every morning helps me so much in my re-parenting process holding myself accountable for the wrong I've done and forgiving myself for what I have not done, being able to see the difference and clear the blur, coming from a full narc family. Forever gratelful. Have a wonderful day.
What an awesome comment! Growing up in a narcissistic family takes lots of deprogramming; been there, done that but still working on not being reactive.
Have you tried ACA 12 step program?
@@heatnicoleher - No; maybe someday. Need to limit time dwelling in the past. 🙏🏻
@@hissyfitz7890 well, thank you! You are so kind. I feel it will take a life time commitment to not continue with their legacy AND I'm ALL IN 😊✊ that's the example I want to set for myself and my kid, she had enough and was embarressing enough, the one to validate my (scapegoat- truth teller adult child) experience, at 14😔 I owe us an emotionally healthier life, bare minimum as she pointed out and I clearly see now. This community has been my healthy family, I'm so grateful of Dr. Ramani and everyone brave enough to be here. Love you all. 🌈♥️
@@Lopepo - Awareness is key & yes it has taken me a lifetime (almost 70 😱) but I wasn’t AWARE of the particulars until ~ 5-6 years ago when I found ‘The Little Shaman’ & eventually algorithms led me to others. Best of luck 🍀 on your journey & 🤗 to YOU for being able to HEAR your 14 yr old! 🎈🍾🎊🎉
“ something is wrong with you“, “ you need help“ those are the two I got all the time.
He just wanted me to feel bad all the time.
I was trying to bring up some issues asked when we could talk. I know he is working he is busy, I understand and I pull myself back. He used to dismissed my feelings and always told me he has no time to deal with the issues. Yesterday he called me Mental and always being told that I'm crazy! I'm walking away and say nothing because he always make me feel bad, belittling me. I was having a hard time to let him go and hoping he will change. I guess now it's time to break the cycle
He would say that to me as well."you need help woman get help". That is his words
@@painolivesis 26 yrs with mine . He don't change , well he does beat me too.
"Let me say this slowly so you can get it through that thick head of yours..." That was one of my narcissist's favorites. Any insult to my intelligence.
“bitch you got problems” almost every other day
Yes! Don't JADE - Justify Argue Defend or Explain with a narcissist. It's a losing battle and you need to protect yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Becareful about the "good natured" ribbing. Even that gets old after a time, and what was just a fun poke becomes a test or "grooming" for the more sharper insults to come later.
100% agree a healthy relationship does not include ANY sideways comments.
So very true, wish I had realized this earlier.
Thank m you for that, does not include any sideways comments.
I would like to include that any comments including "double negative" wording
Is a bad thing. I can't b stand those sentences I hear. I have to stand there
Wondering what the heck you ment.
One of the biggest lies in a “healthy” relationships is that “ love means never having to say your sorry”.
pure knowledge
I was recently humiliated by my soon to be ex husband while I was on the prayer line. Instead of saying an apology he hit me with divorce. I have never said yes so fast in my life. I'm praying it will happen quickly.
Always…
Love means being ABLE to say I'm sorry...
I left my relationship with a narcissist two weeks ago. It really is crazy how he convinced me that his insults were normal. Thank you Dr. Ramani, your videos have been so helpful for me
How has the last 2 mths been?
@@nicolamills8003 thank you so much for taking the time to ask. The last 2 months have been a little bit exhausting because healing is up & down, but luckily I have a great support system that helps me sort through the lies when I start gaslighting myself. I’m hopeful for the future though ❤️
Hope you can stay strong 💪 don’t go back to them
I'm the youngest of 8 and I am in my late 50s. I finally am understanding narcissism in my siblings. When my mother had her final massive heart attack and a few of my siblings witnessed it and then they attempted to describe it in a humorous way, complete with acting out the rolling back of her eyes, it traumatized me to the point I can never forget that. And even with all that, I attempted to form relationships with all of them for 25 years until a couple of years ago. I had enough and it's the best thing I ever did.
2023: Some families are really getting into 'disturbed & disturbing' dynamics in terms of normal relationship.
Glad to know that you did the right thing as to stay away & focusing on who you are at your best. 💎
Your comment is a Blessing for everyone dealing with similar situations... - Regards.
“You can be replaced” was one that always stood out to me
It's actually really messed up to say to a person. I'd get, "The door is always open", lol. Nobody is special to them, which proves they can't love.
I always got "you think I can't do better than you?" Trust me that addict didn't!
My response was "No, YOU can be replaced".
I used to fight fire with fire.
I was always told by my ex, “if you don’t like it, then leave.”
Well, I left. Unfortunately, now I’m dealing with someone who is on a whole different level of bad. Grrr.
“No one will want to date a single mom of 3 kids.” “You will end up homeless without me.” “You would have nothing without me.” “Go to the women’s shelter then.” “I’m keeping the kids if you leave because I’m not having them live with you, you won’t be able to take care of them without me.” “Go ahead and leave I can have another girlfriend in a day.” Are things I often heard. I feel you 😊
The insults don’t have to come directly from your partner or spouse. The insults can come from their family members which they are heavily influenced by.
Know that all to well
Yup, the insults come from my brothers whom have been influenced by their dad, my step dad.
Yikes. I lasted 27 years with my ex. She did nothing but insult me. Constantly. From 'stinking up the house' by toasting my oats in the morning to never being able to be home on time for dinner because she kept making it earlier...to mowing down my raspberries, telling me I couldn't cook (I worked 12 years in fine dining), making sure I never earned enough by spending more than I made, and laughing at me when I sold my first book (Macmillan, 1996. She said "They won't pay you" as I stood there with a bottle of champagne). She hid bills to make sure I didn't pay them on time. She spent most of our final Christmas eve telling everyone that I was drunk...I cooked for her entire f-ing family getting up and out at 8 am to prep everything for cioppino that I made every year so they could enjoy each other's company. She spent years telling everyone I was 'afraid to fly' and somehow took 55 plane trips the year I served her papers, at least 6 of which were to Europe. I didn't want to fly with her. She always wanted to come home early from vacations. She didn't have a job and she didn't pay for it.
I wish I'd known more, and my marriage would have been much shorter. But I am not sad about where I am now. I can just barely remember her. My cats, my house, my life, my effort...I remember everything except her.
This good doctor won't say it, but I will. If you are all in with a narcissist, end it. The best thing that ever happened to me was in a counseling session where the psychiatrist said "here is your homework. come back next week with a reason why you are still in this relationship." I couldn't think of a reason and I never went back. He taught me all I needed to know.
good for you,keep your head up
It's too bad you didn't leave sooner, but at least you did and I hope your life has been full of happiness since.
@@misspad7282 Actually I did leave sooner. She found my car at the motel and started dropping by for 'fuckstops' um, and intentionally got pregnant. I was stupid, granted, but I paid for the next 20 years.
You learned how to make yourself happy. There is nothing nicer than choosing how to live your life 👍👍
@@remove574 I guess my point would be to encourage people to be more proactive.
I’m tired of being told what to do and not to do, what I’m doing wrong, being talked to with no respect and a tone all the time, not receiving real love or appreciation or affirmation: enough is enough. I’ve felt alone and afraid in my own home for a long enough time now, my family and friends are begging me to leave her. Only hard part is we have a child approaching on 2 years of age. It’s brutal, but I’ve reached my limit and am seeking real loving connection. I look forward to it even if it’s in 5 years. I will not continue like this to look back on my deathbed and regret that I could’ve lived and experience a life filled with love and romance instead of fear and loneliness. No matter what, I will be the best father I can be, and the best man I can be, and always push for more.
I am in your exact situation except I am female and do not have a child. I feel miserable and trapped in this horrible house that I have to clean daily because of his messes. We both have to pray to God and gather inner strength to get a plan together to leave . I have desperately been trying to find an online job since the bastard won't let me leave the house to work . God bless you and try to hang in there . I don't know you , but I value you as a human .❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My narc parents' insults and daily threats were so brutal throughout childhood that I didn't even realize for years that my husband's more subtle putdowns , jealousy , silent treatment and undermining were similar to my covert narc mother's mildest behaviour . By the time I was 45 I was completely broken down from the multiple narcs in my life - I was literally the least important person in my own life . Nothing I did was good enough . Realizing how others' mean spirited and hateful treatment has affected you is the first step to getting out under their dead weight on your soul .
Wow, your story mirrors mine!
Yeah, mine too
So very true……. I’m glad you got out.
Lisa A Romano describes it as being a chicken in a tornado. You don’t realize you’re in a tornado until you leave. It’s not your fault, it’s what you knew and you thought it was “normal”. I’m so glad you are realizing that you can create a new normal.
Omg, can I relate….
"You're too sensitive." No, I like who I am and don't care to change this trait, even if I could.
Facts. You are just capable of fucking connecting with ppl and giving a fuck
Felt this ❤❤
I remember years ago when I did not know what narcissism is, never even heard of it. When I was trying to figure out why I was feeling confused and hurt in this relationship, I couldn’t even pinpoint why. So I literally googled, “Why do I feel so confused and hurt by this person and we’re not even really fighting…” literally so vague. That’s when all the articles and papers came up about “gaslighting” and narcissistic relationships etc. Before learning about gaslighting, I Didn’t even feel like I could tell anybody about it or get feedback because it was so difficult to pinpoint what was even wrong. I don’t know if this is making sense, but if it does to Dr. Ramani, I’d love to hear why it’s so difficult to explain narcissistic gaslighting behavior when you’re experiencing it toward you. 🙏🏽
I literally know exactly what you're feeling, and I can't explain it any better than what you did. It's so damn confusing to be feeling like there is something dreadfully wrong, and having the fear without knowing where it even comes from. So frightening to not understand why you have certain reactions to things.
You're not alone, it took me two marriages of 25 years before I found out what narcissistic abuse was/is.....once I realized, it took me two years to plan my exit and get out...now no contact for over a year my life has changed greatly. I dont know it I will ever remarry but heres the thing, I dont need to be with someone in order not to feel alone! Re-parenting myself has been the greatest gift to myself I every gave myself!
Some of us are lucky to come across content like Dr. Ramani on accident and some of us are unlucky enough to have to learn about narcissism through experience unfortunately. Don’t ever feel alone in this feeling! It took me two toxic relationships with different narcissists to realize what was happening. The first ex, however, was nothing compared to the damage the second ex caused. I remember feeling like I was in a literal fog and No matter what I did, how I did it, it was never enough for her. She was so sweet to me over the phone, so empathetic, etc… and when I would meet her in person, the insults would come out and they became nastier as time went on. She became so brave in her ugly behavior because she knew what she was doing; confusing me by giving me sneak peaks of niceness in a vast ocean of her disgusting narcissistic behavior. It wasn’t just the insults; it was judgmental comments about everything and anything, the constant criticisms and her self victimization, the love bombing then being a complete bitch the next second, the gaslighting, the outbursts, the dependency… at that point, I already had a vague idea of what gaslighting was but never thought about it until some post on Instagram came up about it… which lead me down the rabbit hole of discovering narcissism. It was so funny too. I would post things about narcissism on my story on IG, and I remember so vividly the narcissist commented on my post and said something like “this isn’t about me, right?” And rather than being direct I would just say something like “it’s about my mom”....
What a dumbass. Anyways, knowledge is power. I eventually straight up cut her out and blocked her on everything during her narc rage moment and it was hilarious. Did it with a group of my friends who were reading her texts with me and laughing cuz they were absolutely shocked at how psycho she was being for no reason. It’s so rewarding since typically the people around you don’t see the narc for who they really are but when they do it’s so satisfying. I hope everyone who’s ever suffered from narc abuse has at least one close person to validate their experience, this shit almost drove me crazy. I met her in 2020 and starting this year I’m just now picking up the broken pieces of myself but I’ve never felt better and I know she’s going to be miserable for the rest of her pathetic life.
I went through the same thing for many years 23 years to be exact! it was so bad but i still could not explain it or complain about it either then i was the crazy one blah blah blah. I was sick all the time nearly every other week i will go to emergency to seek help it was terrible and i don't even want my worst enemy to go through that kind of pain.
@@rosemond1644 oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear that. Yes the toll the emotional pain absolutely affects physical. Thanks to everyone for sharing. 🙏🏽
I’m so glad I’m out of my last relationship. All of my interests, my goals, my ideas and opinions were wrong and shot down through insults. It made me feel like a child.
At the end when we would get into a conflict I felt like I couldn’t say anything so would sit there unable to say a word. Then he’d get mad I was silent. This threw me into hardly being able to breathe and I’d get a panic attack.
Good times. So glad I’m out.
Im in that situation 5 years now with my partner
Thank you for the encouragement. My Narc has lots of supply now.
I thought I was alone 😃
@Rafael Castro that is me right now .I want to leave but I can't,told myself that this month is the lastmonth for me being with this man,but I am now feeling guilty of living
I'm glad you got out. I'm in one just like that, I cannot do anything right and if he is mad he insults me then I shut down because I don't want to be mean back then he wonder's why I'm silent, then he gets more angry... He tells me I'm not that pretty and he wants another woman, so he gets on dating sites then tells me about it so he says he's a truthful man... Then he feels bad tells me he doesn't want to be a jerk to me. He tells me he wants to marry me then the next month he has another week or two that he gets like this again. Right now I'm numb on a lot of it. We been together for 4 year's and have a two year old together. His family has money so he's like I will get a good lawyer and keep him from you if you leave. I'm not sure why I'm with him a lot of the times, when he's in a good place he's a good guy, treats me good then at his bad times he is horrible.
As always, Great information. Cliff notes…if you’re having too many “WTF” moments, then you know! For me, leaving one (husband) and going no contact with another (mother & sister) has ENHANCED my life 10 fold🌿🌷🌿🌷. Narc magnet NO more! Peace and love to all🍃💜🍃💜
Exactly if Im confused and start becoming a pi 🕵️♀️ in a basic conversation Time to Go 🏃♀️🏃♀️
I'm trying to go no contact with my narcs. Mine are also sibling and mother. I've gone no contact with the sibling but they still manage to sabotage my life from afar, especially through my mother. It's more difficult to go no contact with my mother as financial and other factors are forcing me to live with her. And also....she is my mother and getting older, and I'm so scared of losing her, but also know I won't survive her abuse much longer.
Fuxk it's so complex when narcs are family.
I'm happy for you that you could escape. I long for the day that I can too. Take care, friend.
It’s amazing you literally feel lighter when you go no contact
My immediate family has a black belt in insulting. That coupled with the "this is just how we show love!" especially when a bystander displays any kind of concern. My parents (married over 50 years) do this incessantly. Again, could be due to such a long time together, but I (maybe ideally) would think normally it would deepen the love?? My work relationships as well as romantic ones have mirrored this dynamic also, unfortunately.
It’s everywhere. I feel like the oddball. It’s so unsettling. You’re not alone!
I feel like the oddball as well. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships and people will throw around the words: Oh, he's only mean because he likes you. I was bullied as a child in school and so if a guy is mean to me, I don't want anything to do with them. I wish people would stop being mean to one another or to others as a way to show their love, because to me, that is nothing like love.
@@HaleyMary those are the enablers that don’t have the courage or care enough to see someone else is hurt by that approach. I have zero tolerance and it has made me weary of others. We know better😊
its because of the saying " you only hurt the ones you love the most" is why people feel its acceptable to abuse their family/friends. its just BS because true love shouldnt hurt
If cruelty is regarded as love it is actually called sadomasochism.
His favorite saying was “It’s your way or the highway.” It took me way too long to realize he always said that when HE was in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum because he didn’t get his way. And sometimes, him not getting his way meant he didn’t like the hair clip I was wearing or the way I did my makeup. What man with any shred of self respect throws a temper tantrum over that?
My ex made a huge argument over a cup of water I served him being room temperature when I felt like it was warm to me. He called me stupid and kicked me out of the room. 🤣 omg now that I put that in text or say it aloud it sounds sooo stupid!!! And man I couldn’t express myself as a wife because he would treat me as a child. He would always tell me “it’s either my way or the highway.”
My ex got mad at me for wearing necklace and earrings that I got from my parents. It was a torture where he wouldn’t even look at me saying he doesn’t like me dressing up for others. Bottom line is,I should only dress up the way he thinks I should. At that time the “Highway” ultimatum was what I got and that’s what I took!
@@Jeanslife44U
I got
My way or the highway and you will never see me again 4hats the way I am I'm not going to change
Didnt want me to work or go to collage then at 60 he said get a job he is now gone I'm working the children saw through him have nothing to do with him -e was flirting with women in front of my daughter she shouted him
out he was on dating apps notifications turned 6p on computer said he didn't know how they got his details then it stopped a phone call from an Indian man saying he's messing with him s daughter apparently a joke from him a friend
Got arrested for soliciting a police officer paid a fine 5he list goes on while ignoring the rest of the family
I didn’t even realize I was not hearing half of what my parents spoke to me until my wife pointed it out. I just subconsciously blocked it out. Endless insults are poison to your soul.
My mother constantly criticized me growing up and continued into adulthood.
When I disagreed with my ex husband, he would actually SCREAM at me that I was insane and needed a psychiatrist. I made an appointment with my health care provider to discuss this, and he gave me a written note that I was absolutely sane, a little quirky, but sane.
Same here, a girlfriend kept insisting that I go see a counselor for anxiety and various problems and when I did, the counselor was just like, why are you here? And she confirmed that I didn’t have any sort of anxiety disorder.
@@sandwichsteen I did have anxiety (gee I wonder why) and he played it to the hilt. That was his answer to any mood I would have, etc, telling me I was crazy Sometimes I would laugh at him and walk away, and he said that proved I was insane. And you should have seen his screaming tantrums Who's the crazy one????!!!!.
same here. My son's wife is a vulnerable narc, and I've done/said enough things that she ( a psych major) finally insisted I get therapy. My therapist said I was fine but probably should have joint family counseling with my son and his wife. My son exploded at that idea.
LOL!!!!
Yup I was told to see a psychiatrist as I stood up against someone who is not use to hear no. No matter what I always apologize and I said no to an apology as it was for my baby girl. I told that person your buttons and trigger don’t work as god is watching and your deeds are not dodged. That made that person angry and even scolded me that only reason she is their with me because I am agreeable and if I am going to change then it’s time for me to go
A peace of validation just washed over me. The insults and the name calling. And then the gaslighting my confusion. You just cleared away more chaos, Dr. Ramani!! I have been doing so much emotional cleanup lately and your words today were just what I needed to hear today. Feels peaceful thinking on this now. Feeling the feelings and then shining the light of knowledge on them at the same time is like being set free from pain. It’s easier to let go of that pain when I see it for the truth of what it actually is. My mantra lately is “these experiences happened to me, not because of me”…and it helps me regain my self-worth.
For all her high academic llevel, she talks to me like I am sat in the
same room and on her level. She makes things very relatable, really gets
her message through and uses very good examples. It is truly a gift she
has...
Sadly, my ex would call me all the disrespectful names in the book. He also went as far as to disrespect my father and my late mother. Trying to turn me against my whole family. Then say sorry the next day and it became a cycle. Drained my energy and spirit that I have finally let go. It’s feels depressing but liberating at the same time but I know I will get through it.
I relate word to word to what you’ve written 😮
I’ve noticed the narcissist in my life complimenting me when it gets them what they want or ultimately is actually a compliment about themselves to themselves. It’s like most things they say have a motive.
Literally. I have a sister who told me everything she says is premeditated to produce a specific response from someone
Motive, or motives. The narcissist always has an agenda. I agree 💯👍 with what you said.
(2023) - Your comment is a really good comment!... - Narcissist have no room for nobody else than themselves..
What you are, do or accomplish, have no value - in any shape or form (!) - It is indeed 'hard' to believe (!)
And this is why so many of these 'persons' can get away with it!.. The only way to get rid of them is to be involved
with a Supportive Environment... - And it got to be the right one!.. 🗽
Wishing you luck & Solidarity (!) - Blessing You!... Greetings from Canada!..🍁
I had a sister who I have always steered clear of during our adult life because he personality is aggressive, cardi B influenced and “cut anyone out who offends me” mentality. She would always compliment me but they just never sat well with me. which is weird, I have friends that compliment me all the time and never get those weird vibes. But with her they just feel like side insults deep down. Never could understand what the agenda behind it was but could just tell there was always a motive.
Yet they’re always suspicious of other people’s motives. Projection much.
The mighty narcissist who made my childhood and youth a hell had become a cranky old man with hemorrhoids who is not even loved by his children. Time spares no one.
That’s my dad as well! Fool who prepared me effectively for abusive adult relationships. What father does that to a daughter? I have zero respect for he
@@narcissisticabuseawareness3607 It is not yet too late for us to change things and live a good life. Cordial greetings wherever you are.
I hope this experience is mirrored in my family. Bless
@@MJ-qb5ph I hope you can manage to get away from them and live a peaceful life with good people around you.💕
@@bettyford1524 thank you Betty. Bless
She told me: “You’re negative, gossipy, and mean.”
I said, “Okay, I will try to be better.”
She said, “No, you can’t be better. I’m just letting you know how you are.”
Translation: I won't allow you to believe that you can improve.
This is a classic move. No matter what, never allow that person to grab ahold of your self worth.
Oh my gawd
😔😭
I've been in that position saying that
then you reply : Well I wont bother you with my presence any more. ADIOS!
Sometimes they just say nothing, absolutely nothing. You can and never will hear then say you have done a good job.
true!
Absolutely. Dead air. But they will tell others about your achievements so that they gain kudos and claim praise.
Thank you for your videos! I do not have to deal with the insults anymore. We have been separated now for eight months. I plan on submitting my divorce papers next week!
For me, every traumatic experience he knew about me would be used as a weapon during even minor arguments. I experienced extreme obscenities, name calling, ridicule of me, family and friends. He ripped into my thoughts, ambitions, job choice, sexual morals, my culture, even race.... Was an interracial r'ship. I heard and still remember some of the worst things I have ever heard in my life.... And they were directed at me.
Please stop thinking they were aimed at you! They were aimed at the women in his life that he encountered and never could find equal footing with. Usually stems from some sort of childhood conflict. And then as an adult becoming enraged at himself for needing to be in a realationship with a woman, but also fearing women overall as well. Which leads to him never being MAN ENOUGH! Under any circumstance. So he hides behind a facade of aggression to maintain control so that HE doesnt get hurt again and is REMINDED once again of how he is NOT MAN ENOUGH!! HE IS NOT ENOUGH! And continues to be mired in self hatred!! And hence he deals out his own internal vitriol. Hurt people, hurt people. Release those memories bc they literally have NOTHING to do with you! Empower urself by liking yourself first n foremost. Then u can work on healing n self love. Live your dreams n find your freedom! Namaste ✌☮💫💕🌍
@@starvoyager7313 Exactly.
Bastardt. Remember, he doesn't deserve the space in your neurons. Doesn't deserve the rent free space in your mind. When you think of him change your focus on smth else, example your breath.
Me too, just not intr acial. But I've had lots of shitty things spit in my face by men, just not as many as this person. Oddly enough, when I finally was called a 'fucking degenerate' and my family were degenerates, he turned the switch off for me. Wish he pulled that card years ago. Would have saved me a lot of effing pain. Of course almost a day later it was like he never said it and he was back to his usual self. Yelled at me for even saying he said it. Yup. Beauty.
WOW! I am a psychotherapist and raised by a malignant narcissist and never hear most therapists give this information out so clearly, we need more therapist like you. CL
Wow you are Jungian psychotherapist! :) I love Jungian psychology! The channel This Jungian life on YT is also amazing and they also had a good video on narcissism.
Why does this comments feel like a cheap advertising? if I am wrong, my apologies.
Dr Ramani is very clear, no mind numbing preludes bf the good stuff. I appreciate all of her insights on sensitive topics.