The "Mother Wound" and Your Perpetual Unhappiness. Overcome Your Childhood Trauma
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- Опубліковано 25 лют 2019
- My second video collaboration with Rick Belden. Rick and I talk about "The Mother Wound" and how this form of attachment trauma dysfunctionally impacts adult personal and relational development. The unresolved psychological problems of the SLD (codependent) or narcissist mother significantly harms the emotional and social development of her children, who bring that harm/trauma forward into their adult lives. My Human Magnet Syndrome book addresses the impact of a person's mother's trauma on their choices for romantic partners and friends.
Rick is a highly talented coach specializing in adult problems caused by childhood trauma. Visit at www.rickbeldencoaching.com/ to schedule a session with him.
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 21 million UA-cam video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 138K copies and are in 9 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
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#healingmotherwound #attachmenttrauma #motherwoundhealing #abandonment #selflove #selfhelp - Авто та транспорт
I’m a 35 yr old black man and I’m here to say it took me 35 years to finally realize my mother didn’t love me “deep right” I also never had a father so I held on so long just because she was my mother and honestly felt she was all I had. I’m here to say I’ve never been so happy and felt like such a load is off my chest, like literally I feel like I’ve been in prison and I’ve finally been set free. Just thought I would share, because it took me years to become strong enough to cut off something that I should of cut off years ago.
proud of you. Good luck with your healing!
I hope your new learning has helped you to love your mother for who she is rather than who you may have thought she was. Just love her as a human being. 💞If you understood the demons of her past you might have more compassion for her. I hurt for both of you. My mother was a tyrant too 🥺
39 year old male here. It really messes a person up when their own mother is incapable of love. It does not feel good at all tbh. Even animals love their children so it is extremely unnatural. The best thing we can ever do is learn how to love ourselves.
I feel you dear 🤗🌹♥️. My understanding, as being a woman, a woman who decides to have children without making sure that man is able and desires to be a good father and life partner is not able of love. And there are too many. Not only those, but especially them.
I know the feeling. I enjoyed a 17 year separation from my mother, some of the most healing and peaceful years of my life and I really blossomed. After becoming a born-again Christian, I felt convicted that I needed to forgive and make peace with her, which I have. Now I can accept her as just another person that I don’t need to obtain anything from. If she’s happy with me- great. If she’s not- great. My primary relationship is with Jesus Christ now. God bless.
My mother tried to beat me to death, several times as a small child. Father, neighbors and teachers saw me covered in wounds. No one helped me. I not only feel abandoned by my mother, but by society as a whole.
:( hugs to you
We are here for you now! You are loved!
May you find the true love within you. It's all you need.
Yes, people are too.passive.
Prayers for you. Please know you are not abandoned by God, he loves you.
20:12 "My mom and I are separate people. I am not responsible for her feelings, for what happens to her..." I will repeat this everyday until I've come to terms with it.
Does this work the opposite way with our adult daughters?
1000%
“My model of intimacy was that I would sacrifice myself” WOW, mind blown at this, this was my belief, in my core; and I didn’t see or know it
It's a very difficult way to live.
That was the big one in the video for me too!
Mine too!
Same for me.
Same here. So many insights!!
" my model of intamicy was that I would sacrifice myself" thank you that sentence explained me to me..
Thanks for sharing Tina.
Same here...and sacrifices made the both party life worse
@@RossRosenberg has
"She is not the person I wanted her to be." That is very powerful!
@@philipmulvihill1455 creation of a fantasy mother who loves, supports & encourages growth & separation. It helped me! I couldn't give myself what I needed but my fantasy mom could. I know intellectually it doesn't make sense but emotionally it did. Good luck!
@@katiekane5247 wow I did the same thing also it’s crazy how a child works but your adult brain also
@@katiekane5247 a@
I had to become my own mother to myself after years of healing and hitting walls. Thank you
That's a truth I wish to one day be able to owe, as well. Damn that was deep...simple words but raw emotion felt it.
I’m 75 and going through these heartbreaking discoveries. My parents are both dead, but that doesn’t make healing easier-in fact, it may be more difficult. But I am thankful for this awareness so that I can spend my remaining years more authentically.
Thank you so much for sharing. Do not forget the healing power of self-love. We just have to do the work. 💜
❤Sending love and hugs ...🙌
I can relate to that. It may well be possible that children of narcissistic parents often only will find peace when their parents pass away.
I realize that myself. I feel much more at peace with my father’s emotional neglect, as he died 20 years ago. Now I am much farther from that with my mother as she still lives and is quite intrusive. I should have estranged her many years ago to find the same peace of mind. Now she’s older and I still feel guilty when I consider the possibility.
💜💙💚💛❤️
Being authentic is wonderful. Good for you and God bless you
My mother doesn’t remember any of my childhood. She said I was just sensitive. This video really hit home. Thank you sharing
You are welcome. Thanks for listening.
My Dad called me "sensitive" too. I think your mom probably does remember, just doesn't want to go there with you. Being called sensitive is invalidating and shaming. It's a way to once again, not accept accountability, and to push their burdens onto us. What they're saying is, "I want you to believe you are too sensitive for even bringing up any type of criticism of me."
Yeah mine denies it all, factual events. Continues to say “ get over it”. She neglected me severely mentally & physically. Was an addict who never worked. I went through hell but I think she can only live by pretending I don’t exist as she won’t talk to me.
@@nicolec5659It getting worse as she ages as trying to be my friend. I focused on my father wound all these years however my mother was just as bad. I’d like to know about your situation if don’t mind. I’m still trying to figure all this out.
She doesn’t remember what she had never noticed. She’s not lying. She just never saw it the way you did. Idk why. Same with me. I’ve been told I’m delusional and see things in a wrong way. Agreed tho.
Im crying just reading all the comments. I can relate 100% your pain guys. Its so deep, feels like no therapies or medications can fix that problem. 2 years ago after attempting suicide i decided to go back to church to find some answers. Helps a lot but im still struggling, just not able to allow myself to be happy. I turned 34 this year and iam now a father of a beautiful boy. Anyway, whoever reading my message, we all in this together my brothers and sisters. Love y'all ♥️
Bless.
Remember this one word forgiveness. For your abusers ( you never have to confront them, this can be in your prayer room, all alone) and for yourself. This will set up freeing you from all the accumulated more than anything. Forgive yourself for not knowing, that you didn't know. It's okay, healing is a journey, find others that are true in your church. Ask maybe if they have connections with other groups like alanon, or bible studies groups that you can get into for support for the loneliness. You can do this, I believe in you. You are good, smart, strong and deserving enough!
Will pray for you. Seek peace of Christ.
Dear King Daro, I understand. I am 52 & have no children. You got your lovely boy & you got yourself. You deserve to be happy & you got this. You can & will change your life around & love & cherish your child. Wishing you happiness & peace.
Dear brother, keep seeking God -He hears you and feels your tears too.. I was there once - Jesus healed me - then I was Fortunate to confront my abusive mother and childhood friend. But, "confront" meant I got a chance to get my Feeling and Truth Heard. They denied most of it - with the "I don't remember" excuse.. That's Ok - I spoke my Truth and my life finally feels like my own and Not that Box which I was shoved into! God Bless you! Jesus is Real and is there with you... Amen~
God be with you, friend, May you find what you need.🙏❤🙏
I am guilty of hurting my children as a single mother with verbal and rage abuse. I’ve felt guilty and ashamed of my actions for years as I witness my adult children struggling with their own Mother/absent Father wounds. Over-stressed and over-whelmed brought out the very worst in me and now that I have learned that I too was suffering from childhood PTSD and began practicing stress-relief techniques, I understand now that my stress created the monster in me. I’m 67 now and wish I could turn back the clock with the knowledge I have and start over again. My children don’t have very many pleasant childhood memories and that makes me feel sad. Fortunately, I’ve apologized and told them they deserved better. They still talk to me. I think they still love me. I have to forgive myself. That is the biggest obstacle.
Just love your kids and show them love unconditionally. Never make the reasons for any difficulties in their upbringing about you. Always make it about them if it's ever talked about.
I know what you're going through, and I know the massive amount of guilt that comes with it.
The best way to get over it is forgiveness. Realize (and know) that hurting your kids was never your intention. Stress, anxiety and rage gets the best of us and we lash out. You just didn't realize how much you were hurting at the time. Your parents probably did it to you, and their parents as well. You are the chain to break the cycle. Even though your kids are adults now, show them unconditional love.
You must forgive yourself. Stop adding all this extra guilt to yourself. You don't deserve that. You deserve to be happy. We wouldn't blame a child for hitting someone if they were unaware as to why they were acting out. Realize what happened, forgive yourself, love yourself. Then you will be strong enough to show them this new wonderful mom, not the wounded child who was lashing out. 😁
@@BG-jj8zd Thank you for your kind words. They touched me deeply and crying is the result. Forgiveness towards self is an important one, I know it intellectually. It will come with time. Again, thank you for taking the time to reach out with your healing words. I am taking them to heart.
@@aryanahartwell3801 You're very welcome! Have a wonderful night!
Aw my mums is like this but only lacks the realisation, only me out of my 5 other siblings confront her behaviour. as she verbally abuses as much as she breaths, we all still love her but can't imagine how healing realisation and an apology will give, since we all literally have such low self esteem and I know it's because of her sadly. Welldone for taking accountability apologising.
Well done you for being so honest- that’s a start to healing for you and your children. If my mum had been this honest with me then I would consider forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing and having the courage to be vulnerable.
I just gotta say, it's very refreshing to hear two male people talk about their emotional internal landscape. I wish that more men could realize how important these emotional discussions can be to everybody's mental health and well being. Thanks guys.
Thanks for watching Karen. 🙏
Thank you!
The irony is that my mother would punish me further for my natural response to the way she treated me
Yes. And my mother’s family has disdain for my unhealthy thoughts/behavior due to her abuse/neglect of me.
@@AmandaMG6 Same
They're sick
yes
One of my least favorite things about living with a highly disordered person, get punished for bringing their cruel behavior to their attention. Aka 'Complain'.
My mom is still a wounded child inside. Her mode of survival is self sacrifice and subtle manipulation that she honestly feels is to help others.
Paper Mario.
She sounds like a codependent not a narc which is not to say you can't be wounded by a codependent mother.
God bless.
Paper Mario I can totally relate!
Paper Mario, so insightful that you can acknowledge your mom's wounded child. Many of us struggle with a 'wounded child.' God bless.
People who grew up in poverty and abuse themselves are emotionally stunted and can’t raise a healthy family. My parents were working in sugar cane fields at 10 cents a day. I listen to this video and clicked on because I was traumatized by not just parents but the brutality of brothers. I think now that my parents did an amazing job given the difficulties of their child selves. Forgiveness is needed. Sometimes, I was unkind to them and wish now that I had not been. They are people and did the best they could. They did not understand me. But let’s not demonize them for our flaws. Our flaws belong to us and we need to own them to grow.
Carol Wyban, beautifully put. thank you and be blessed!
As a woman healing from her traumatic childhood, and hearing you two discussing the pain an SLD mother causes, I’m filled with guilt, remorse, and pain for the passing of this wound to my five sons. Going deep into one’s childhood trauma is brutal and necessary. Going deep into the ways we’ve impacted our children in the same or relative manners requires an iron constitution.
Bravo, sister, for seeing your own shadows and working through them. Aye, this time alone has given us much to introspect.
You have the opportunity now to make amends as far as you’re able moving forward. They can see you’re not perfect and still learning and growing. THAT’S setting a good example and opportunities for healing.
I hope you’ve stopped shaming yourself by now and your relationships are more authentic than ever. 🙏🏼💫💞
Hang in there and KEEP GOING 💫 We’re almost there 🌈🌎🌟
My regrets and shame at my parenting never ends.
@@dawgmaw then CHOSE to release yourself from your own prison and let it go, accept what is. Be at peace with Creation. Forgive yourself and release the shame and blame, for you did not know any better but you’re awake 👁
I wish so badly my parents would do the emotional inner work in order for us to have a better connection.
What does SLD stand for??
I have been fortunate that my Mom finally figured out her errors and has put effort into her mending. She has apologised and has opened up with honesty and about her past. The damage has been done, but the healing continues...
What a blessing
ONE GREAT STRIDE FOR MANKIND! WELL DONE
HeroPureLove I commend you for being open to your Mother’s apologise and have started the healing journey together.
Mine too. It really makes a difference and helps in the healing.
That is huge
I'm a 53-year old male sitting here in tears!
I had just stopped watching another video on childhood trauma that opened with the speaker celebrating the eventual fall of the patriarchy! I was about to give up on self-improvement for the day when I took a chance on this video. Thank God I did!
Thank You Mr. Belden!!!
You're very welcome. I'm glad the timing was right for you to see this one!
I hope you are stronger this day and even stronger tomorrow and the next to the next.........
Hope you are getting on okay x
My parents sucked the life from me. I have been doing grief work, and I am enjoying finding myself...not who they made me believe I was. Thank you for this excellent video.
but they also gave you life itself
Parents give you life but they can also abuse you to the point that you wish you were dead. Growing up in a house where you were ignored unless they wanted to be sadistic was horrible.
Emmaline Jackson your a moron... I’m sorry but just because they “gave” you life doesn’t mean it’s a free pass to abuse, neglect, or manipulate a child...
Emmaline Jackson that is the kind of manipulation that narcissistic mothers use against their children. It is first and more important to understand how they hurt you. Later comes forgiveness and understanding.
@@belladonna70 They do not have the power to do that.
I can't beleive that this video popped up in my feed. I..dealing with this deep grief of.mother wound today. So painful. Learning to be the adult at 52 very hard. Thank you
Clare! I am 56 and really don't know how to be an adult either. (Whatever that really means). I have felt like I was crazy and the only one.
Same age as you. Same issue Claire. This just popped up too and it is exactly what I am facing. You're right. Very painful.
@@dixiesmith2312 exactly same. I just told someone.....51 yrs old and feel stunted.....like I never grew up in some ways. I appear as adult....I mean I function but I am not really coping ...like the poem....going around in circles in a fog.
I learned this at age 52 as well...hardest thing to believe...it was ON PURPOSE. Good luck, sister survivor!
Love to you!!!
My older sister was the "parentified child." She was always responsible for making sure that Mother was okay.
I only woke up to all of this a couple of years ago, at age 46. My mom ended up causing me PTSD, my dad's the co-dependent. Once I found out what was going on, I had to confront them and set boundaries. That was the end of my relationship with my parents and I have no contact.
It's the start of the healing and unravelling. It's hard to unravel and undo the things if there is a source of familar continued put downs still in your life. Need space to put the new things in. They will come back when you are healed enough to let it roll off. Might take a while, but this time is for you. Xo
Thanks a lot for this post. You change the world for the better with such loving decisions.
I woke up at 56 but already cut off my only sibling years ago after waking up from her 50+ years of abuse. Now cut off my mother as well. no one left in my family. so many secrets, so much abuse. And not one single apology. Unbelievable.
Same 😔
@@chrismccrea1619 yeah man it’s crazy... why did u end up going no contact though?
Is that like something we have to do?
I can really relate about the no apologies from them.. :(
I’m near 40 and I suffer from both a narcissistic Mother and Father and my wounds are always there. In fact, I’m so scared of ever becoming like them that I refuse to have offspring and continue my Gene Pool.
Exactly the same! Both parents. ❤
So Unfair ... what they did to us....
I never wanted kids either. Too bad my ex girlfriend's didn't think so. I had two kids with different mothers, who used the children against me. With no self confidence in court, they tortured me. They wouldn't look at evidence even. I have hardly any feelings left. I had a psychologist tell my I could write a book with my 2nt long term ex girlfriend. She didn't know the half of it too. What makes it worse, is I had a vision my kids would suffer, when I was in highschool. This is a long time before I had them. That's why I didn't want them. This pretty much came true.
Yes, very familiar... Both parents were highly wounded, and I made the same decision regarding not to continue the gene pool. Thank you, for the courage to write this. Take care...🌺
I feel the same way. The generational trauma ends with me
Someone once said: We all live in burning houses.
When I hear things put in a perspective like that, it honestly makes me feel a bit better. lol! In a wierd way. I guess because no matter what, the playing field is even, you just don’t know what really goes on behind others closed doors in their burning houses.
Nailed it . I can relate to 95% of it ,it’s amazing your whole life you can’t identify a subject until someone says it thoughtfully and articulately. Victims of narcissists come from around the world but it’s the one language we all identify with as soon as we hear it.
RICHARD GRANNON explains cause/remedy brilliantly. Please look up on YT “The CURE for Narcissism? My (Possible) Method; 5 Points (Healing A Narcissist).”
well said
@@victoriamarie8588 this one is GREAT!
@@victoriamarie8588 Sounds good.I'd TRIED lookin up the YT video that Rick Belden, here, said he'd made, called, "The Cause of Codependency & Narcissism. How & Why", but couldn't FIND it on YT. I'll look for the one you suggested by Richard Grannon.
The light bulb went on and burst in my face at 68. I was so angry at my naivety. 19 months now no contact. Complete discard by all which i wasnt totally prepared for. She 95. I am getting through this because i learned to be numb as a child. I am proud to say Gave it my all and the harder i loved and proclaimed my loyalty the worse i was treated. Defeated but still alive.
It's never too late. Good for you, take back your life. Every day matters. Make each one count.
I am 64, my Mother is 90. I moved her into my home 4 months ago as she conditioned me throughout my life to take care of her in her old age. It lasted 13 weeks and I moved her out. The first week she was her I was in shock at her behavior. Then she started with changing my life and home. She continued to tear down people (who have been dead for decades) to build herself up and change HER history as well as convince me that she was such a good person. I’ve gone full no contact for almost 3 weeks and the more I learn the more I honestly feel sorry for her. What a sad existence !! But I have to take care of ME now, even though the rest of the family is chastising me for it.
I've been struggling with this since my childhood. I understand now that my mom couldn't stand up for me because of her childhood traumas and because my dad would have hurt us and her worse if she tried. My children have "mother wounds" because of my traumas. Fortunately I'm in therapy and both my grown children are forgiving and open to understanding I did the best i could while injured. I cannot undo the damage I have done, but I can take responsibility for my injuries and work to heal them. As I do that I pray I can assist my children in their journeys to heal their "mother wounds"
Sheila Brenes you are a great role model and your actions will mean so much to your children as you break the family cycle (allowing future generations to be independent and emotionally healthy). Well done 🤗
You have done well
Have you been forgiving toward your mother as your children have been of you?
@@debrabunger9302 yes I have forgiven her and we have a good relationship now. Once I reframed my thinking things improved greatly
* Understand * key word there 🎉 not accept excuse or condone ❤
In my opinion the mother wound is devastating shocking traumatising when you realise your mum for whatever reason cannot or doesn't love you.
For me she couldn't. She was killed age 40. I was 13.
@@julieyoung3315thats a whole different kind of traumatic mother wound. Im sorry.
I would have prefer she love me less than her toxic ways of showing love.
@firefeethok_tui2355 Thank you I struggle daily but Jesus really is the answer for me.
@julieyoung3315 I am sorry to hear that I hope you found a good way forward from that. 🙏🏿
I was fortunate that my first therapist whom I sought in my early 20s, pointed out the co-conspiracy between my narcissist mother and idealized co-dependent "good parent" dad. Today I am 65 and my rage-filled mother is a nasty 86 year-old who spends her time tormenting her co-dependent, now-feeble 90 year-old husband. My siblings and I were the classic Scapegoat, Golden Child, Invisible Child, and as the oldest, I was the Scapegoat who then became the Escapee. I hope everyone who watches this can benefit from this important work, gaining some insight, and some self-love. We were all robbed of this as children, but at any age, it is possible to regain some, if not all, of what was lost, to become whole.
Your story is mine! Thank you for clarifying.
OMG, he described my own childhood. It was easiest to acknowledge my tyrranical father as the "bad one", and idealize my BPD mother for being a martyr. I have been in recovery for a decade n mostly NC w her this whole time but I am just now realizing how much she neglected, fed on, n abandoned me. She is an energy vampire!!!! N she was so good at gaslighting n projection that she had me convinced I was the user who did not appreciate her. I rarely ever felt love or warmth from her, but she had me brainwashed to think she loved me sooooo much n was soooo worried about me. Her parenting led me to make poor choices in life n go running back to mommy so she could take control. Ugh, how evil.
Same
I was shouting Hallelujah the morning my mother died...after a lifetime of having to take care of her ~ she felt she was the Weak Queen of the World with a few different personalities and I had to clean up her crap and protect her all of my life. I thank God every day that she is dead and I am FREE! I never realized how much I despised her until a few months before she got sick, then mercifully, she died. I hope everyone who watches this has a great liberation I have had through the death of the mother...its a GOOD THING! God Bless You.
The morning I heard my mother died my brother and I called each other simultaneously and sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz movie.
@@MelindaMc
Sorry but Lmfaooooo
I'm glad you're feeling better but I don't think that being happy about the death of the person who gave birth to you is a sign that the wound is healing. What do you think?
Part of my healing was found in the forgiveness I came to feel for her and for myself for all the mistakes that were made that deeply hurt me for most of my life. I am finally getting over my childhood. As bad as everything was, I now accept that she was actually doing her best to take care of 8 children and deal with her alcoholic husband.
Those are heavy loads in the best of circumstances ❤ all the best to you.
An alcoholic AND 8 children 😮 Bless her heart & good on you, sis!❤
I no longer care about my parents. The empty stares they give. They are fake different at home then when around others. Even now in their 70's it's even worse. No contact when I suddenly realized at age 52. My life was a lie.
Wow I thought having parents would automatically help you more then harm. People pick respectability over sanity
I am 54y and feel 100% like you.
I'm 53 and just 4 or 5 years ago realized my family neglected and abused me narcassisticly/psychopathicly my whole life after having 4 different homes stolen from me.
I'd have to say my life is over unless I can take my mother and some other relatives to court and get some repairation.
I don't see how I'd ever have the strength or resources to do that though. God bless you.
I know exactly what you are talking about!
omg same!
I can relate when you say you started with the father’s wound. The same happened to me. Only with the course of therapy I realised how my mother was so much more abusive to me than my father. She used me as an alliance against my father (parental allienation ) to make me think he was the bad guy and she was the victim. I came to realise that I was suffering from the Stockholm syndrome: I was “on her side”, as I subconsciously knew she was the most threatening piece of the puzzle. Amazing!
Thanks for sharing.
Exact same with me.. they are divorced. During Covid she told me all these terrible things about my dad. So one day i decided to confront him.. i respect my dad that even tho he didnt behave well, he didnt throw her under the bus. Later i found my mom in a lie to conceal documents from me to give to my malignant brother .. i left the country to get away.. as i healed more and more... i realized how damaging she has been all my life.. they need the scapegoat to be old age carer... i realized she has never had any interest in my life
The grieving is horrendous and long lasting when you realize there is a NAME for what she did to me, for what I have experienced for 53 years...and it was on PURPOSE. The no contact is so painful...and I continue to remember situations since learning about malignant narcissistic mothers...
Loyalty and sacrifice = love ...is the model we were given as children and as children, these are the terms on which we receive love.
So true
We were thought that love is conditional and earned.
It's a true model.
The problem is that it doesn't address your own underlying healthy independence and that's your personal responsibility.
@@warriorhippie I was very joung when i realised that is NOT true.
So. all thees conditions, i just egnoired them.
That was hard for them to cope with.
But i see with my children, the have not co-dependant issues like my genaration. Theu have a portion healthy 'narcicm', fitting their age. (11, 22 and 20 jears)
I do talk a lot about healthy boundaries, and sick boundaries too: to tell the difference and help them to understand that a 'crook' is a crook, and not a lover. That some crooks are un-healthy narcicist.
That love is being vunrable and come from two sides.
Elies What do you mean it’s our personal responsibility to manifest personal responsibility? Isn’t that the job of parents to foster independence in their children?
Normalisation of abuse patterns because of the relationship with parents, trying to please the abuser- the child self still seeking approval, attention, affection and affirmation from mother
meeee
Wow, I was just thinking today "I'm a magnet for narcissists!" My mother was a malignant narcissist.
This is the single most important video I have ever seen in my life.
Yaris Dong, I agree with you! Very powerful video.
I’m 74, my mother died 20 years ago and I’ll still separating from her. It’s not easy because she only allowed me to be her. I had no identity apart from being her appendage.
I have struggled with myself for years after I left my mother and father...my life was hell when I was home and even after leaving that environment my life wasn’t getting better...it wasn’t until I started watching Ross here that I began to connect the dots and understand why I am so fucked up and why the pain continues....once I realized how this game is played and why I keep hope that one day I may experience a normal relationship with my mother...I quickly realized that by holding on to that hope I was prolonging my misery...and after this last weekend she had visited and not even a day into the visit she went about the abuse like I had never left...she picked right we’re we left off and that’s when I knew that my mother is not my mother and she does not care about me but only needs me to feed her sickness...I dropped that hope and walked away from her for good..no regrets, no shame, no more...after walking away I have never felt this good in my life...I’m able to see the forest from the trees now and I am forever grateful for finding this information...thank you
Congrats on your new found freedom!!!!
It's so wonderful, isn't it?!
David Cooper 09261974 - my mother developed Alzheimer’s and the last few years before she died were the best I ever experienced - she genuinely seemed to be happy to see me and was kind and playful (like in a childhood) I was never able to reconcile the issues of the past but at least I was able to experience a “different side” of her for a short time anyways. There is a childlike trusting living person in everyone. Question is what would it take to bring that out of them ? This is a radicle example but that person is in there - somewhere. Trouble is we are unable to do enough or be good enough to ever change it. I wish I had the answer but really inside they are of all people the most miserable.
David Cooper 09261974 you go David 👍 it took me a stroke in my fifties to arrive we’re your at, but thankfully making a very good recovery 😊
@@nomorewar4189 I read an article in either The Atlantic, The Times or The New Yorker about a woman who said the same of her cruel, abusive mother. It was as though, the author writes, she was finally gettimg the mother we all need and those interactions held an unprecented kindness to them. I read that a year ago, I suppose, so I might be glossing ober the finee points. To your question, there probably is no way to pry out any semblance of humanity save extreme events such as in your case and the writer's. If I knew how, I'd apply it in my own case. Instead, I have the magic of No Contact, no matter what, forever.
I walked away from my mother when I was 19. I married a wrong guy to get away from her. I left the country . she followed . then I moved away again different town 200 km. away. then again to different country . I am back now in the same town. fate brought me I guess . 6 year's living by her is a hell. I am in the process of moving again. how many times do I have to get away from her ? I realize she will never love me like a mother should . I am 59 now I thought I could have a relationship with her, but it is not working. I have tried very hard to please her , but I have been rejected again. I am so sick and tired feeling so abounded and not loved, I feel like no end to my suffering . I want her to love me and it's killing me .
"As I entered my 30's...immediately, my dad was the target." Wow, that's where I am! Watching this honestly makes me realize how fortunate I am to have had a great mother. WE BOTH have a father wound (from MY dad, her husband), and we lived through it, and still do, together. My mom is not perfect, certainly, and her parenting wasn't without flaw. But she never put my dad's narcissism ahead of my own well-being. I can't imagine ever feeling vengeful or resentful toward her, and I am super thankful for that. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who do not have the same supportive figure in their life.
I am 67. Although I did some inner child work, some with the late John Bradshaw 25 years ago, just went no contact with family ( 4 sisters and extended family. Now in therapy real deep stuff coming up.
The big learning is that if you are still in contact with your “ still “ dysfunctional family you may still be unconsciously running the no talk ( keep the secrets in the family) rule. So your unconscious will still think your are living in this family. Big learning.
Great insight!
I issued No-Contact Orders to both my parents, their partners and my siblings and immediate in-laws. I am AMAZED that those who were abused turn around and abuse others (my siblings elected to get into awful relationships with tormented people as if our childhood was not bad enough)- because I cannot imagine inflicting the pain I felt and endured on anyone else. I do have intimacy problems and a personality disorder but I am not an abuser because... simply I saw my need for love from them as THE source of all my pain.
Yes! I issued a no-contact order. You are awesome! Nobody, that's your mama or your papa or anybody, has the right to drive you crazy
How does one go about getting a no contact order?
Because they discover that is the only way to get their needs met, and avoid feeling like a victim. They see the world as abusers and victims and they can't survive if they remain a victim.
YES! I protected my dad forever, thinking he was the good parent. BUT he never protected me from my covert passive aggressive/and physically abusive mom! He was all talk. If he did talk to her, when he was gone on a work trip, her wrath would come down on me ten folds. When I confronted my dad about this years later, he gets very defensive and the victim "i did the best i could"... ugh. a no end situation.
What is he supposed to do? Maybe he should have quit work or divorced and hired a nanny that he couldn't afford.
@@sunflowerroark5170 Are you kidding me? He could have gotten her therapy, yes- divorced her, taken me to my grandmother's house which he said he would do over and over. I would have loved being raised by my loving great grandmother. Knowing your child is being abused is being complicit if you do not do something to stop it.
@sunflower,the same thought run though my mind,asking myself what @wild father could have done.My wife also a narc and am afraid my daughter could go through hell because am not always around due to the nature of work.I will try everything I can to protect my darling daughter
@@sunflowerroark5170 Lmao Oh poor daddy, what can he do? He is the parent, and op was the child. If you were brainwashed too, parents should protect their children, even from their own spouse. You ever heard of the step mother archetype? Some biological moms are exactly that. She will act goody goody when the father is around, and and when he is away, the abuse begins. And if he is that passive emasculated man, he won't do anything when you tell him.
@@svartvist that's what a person who empathises with an asshole who shattered them would say too. It is too similar.
yup ! I LOST MY CHILDHOOD, EARLY, I WAS MADE THE PARENT, AND I LOST MY CHILDHOOD IN FULL, VERY EARLY,
Page Newman same... I never had a chance at a childhood. I used to watch other kids play at my school and I couldn’t understand what they were doing. I had no frame of reference of what a child did. I remember thinking they were all crazy because they ran around screaming and spinning and jumping. I honestly didn’t know what to make of that. I was made an adult by my mother before I even knew I was a kid.
@@allthepugs Exactly all of that. I often get looks as if I'm crazy when I say that I never learned how to 'play'.
Alpha Leonis it’s sad to look back now and think how lonely I was. I’ve carried much of that inability to mix into adult social life too, always preferring to be alone as I have been weighed down with that not really fitting feeling my whole life. I wonder who I would have been or what life I would have had if I’d grown up with any fragment of normality or any of what a child needs. Maybe you do too?
@@allthepugs I have felt similar feelings and had similar issues. I used to wonder who I might have been... if only... but I've worked through a lot of things--it was a long and difficult process, and I'm still working on issues--but I've realized that it doesn't matter who I would have been. This is who I am now and I can only change the now; and if I was to ever really love myself then I needed to accept that my experiences made me who I am, and I'm an okay person even if I didn't have what I needed in the past. I hope that makes sense. I really hope your path will take you in the direction you need to go for the healing that is right for you. From one 'parentified child' to another.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I too remember giving up on toys at an early age, however, look at it this way. These experiences have possibly increased our intelligence, because just think about how we noticed their behaviour, etc, and navigated it. Our emotional intelligence was obviously high to begin. Let's focus on these positive aspects, and use them for good purposes, like here, right now. 👍😎
Susan Forward’s book “Mothers Who Can’t Love” is an excellent resource as well. We can all heal and grow. As painful and traumatic as our childhoods have been, we are so much more than our wounds and pain. Elkhart Tolle writes that our “pain body” can actually be the fuel for our transformation. We can transform our pain into our X-ray vision, compassion, awareness and enlightenment . As these men, and so many of us prove, we can turn our pain into our greatest gifts. I love my parents, but I know that I am truly and actually a daughter of the Universe, a child of the cosmos. Our purpose here is to expand, grow and connect with our own connection with our divine source. God bless us all, and I wish us all awareness, healing, love and freedom from all childhood pain. We are loved, deeply and infinitely by the entire Universe. Our parents are imperfect humans. We have within us the power to heal. We do not have to accept the victim identity.
Thanks for sharing Susan. 🙏
@@RossRosenberg You're welcome. Thank you for the work you're doing. It is so important, and I appreciate the way you approach it, with sensitivity and nuance. Bless you!
Thank you for sharing Susan
Thank you for sharing, Susan. I love that- 'daughter of the Universe, child of the cosmos'. ❤️
Yes, it's easy to get stuck ruminating in the wounds.
All I can say is wow, prayers and healing to all of us with mother wounds❤
"that child 'trapped in time' "...that is me right now..
Thanks for sharing.
I am 42 and when my narcissistic mother cut me off during lockdown in 2020 for 100th time, I finally said enough, I did a lot of trauma work and my psychopathic father died recently, he abandoned us when I was 21. He was dead and buried 2 months and I found out by accident when I ran into someone who condoned with me, I honestly nearly collapsed with the shock. I spent the day crying and remembering the horror and woke up the next day with the biggest feeling of relief I've ever felt. I am free at last and will never go back. I am very lucky as I am happily married with 2 teenage son's and they are my world, we also have many elder friends whom have adopted us which I'm very grateful for 🙏🙏🙏
Dang! That definition is spot on... I believe the best "therapists" learn through life experience not textbooks.
I awoke to a lifetime of memories when I was on the verge of turning 63 years old. It's amazing what the brain will do to survive. Of course, the question becomes, "Now, what?" Aside from protecting myself from the traumas, I was also protecting the memory of my idealized parent. It took a lot of hard emotional work..not just ruminating, but focused journaling, meditating, and reading. I've never slept well but I had been down to an hour of sleep a night WITH the use of heavy sleep meds, so I knew there was trouble. I just didn't know what it was. I have NEVER taken care of myself. I honestly did not know what that meant. GREAT video. Thanks so much.
I wish you well, the same thing happened to me on August just before turning 30 on September 23rd! Sleep has always been a problem for me ever since I was a kid. Am working slowly on myself and I haven't spoken to my parents since August and also not my siblings! Not even sure what I want with my husband who has in the past abused me. My boys are also very young but my relationship with them the last couple of months has been better than ever before. I hope to become whole one day.
Most Valuable Discussion!!! At 80 years, I'm still finding deeper understanding of my relationship with my mother. My first insights were when I was in my mid 50's. This clarified SO much! Just in the past 2 years, I became aware of the Positive role of my step-father -- who had been made the villain. Now I see that all the good things in my development came from Him -- he taught me values and skills, and gave me a joy for life, and I never saw that until I was 78! Thank you, Dad!!
This was a HUGELY VALUABLE DISCUSSION! THANK YOU BOTH! ❤❤❤
Father an alcoholic, mother an narcissist. Physically and mentally/emotionally abused 24/7 nonstop until left home. Took many years struggling and only with Jesus to find healing.
Father an alcoholic, mother... a cruel lady to me.
I became an alcoholic/drug addict.
Both are dead and I'm left having to face some hard truths.
At least I'm clean 5 years so, I'm coming around.
We didn't deserve being treated as we were.
We just KIDS😢
Man oh man....
Days to day, right?
One at a time.
My father was a narcissist, I would say a malignant one, my mother was codependent. She became very ill, lost a child, had a stroke from which she never recovered, had chronic migraines, and I was parentified. But there was no symbiosis. She seemed to hate me, she asked my father every day to beat me for being a bad child, and watched. I could not have the illusion to be loved. But I always tried to understand my mother with compassion and from my teenage years on with psychology. I mainly saw her as the victim of my father, but also as the victim of war. The end of the war and the time after the war was very traumatizing for Germans. I never could understand, when it is true that there is an attraction between narcissist and codependent and codependents have the ability of empathy why she treated so hatefull like a narcissist too. I live in Germany and I hope I could express my thoughts in English
Uta Scholl + Covert/Shy Narcissists can appear like plain co-dependents, but they're not. Narcissists can be co-dependent, in a sense, because they desperately depend on their victims to attain Narcissistic Supply. Sometimes sociopaths need histrionic Borderlines spouses to make them feel and look like the 'sane' ones in the relationship.
If your mother showed no empathy and was sadistic, she must have been a narcissist. Having a tough life doesn't create a person who deliberately hurts their children, if they are not narcissists to begin with. There is evidence that narcissists are born, not made, but childhood abuse makes the narcissist even more sadistic.
Covert Narcissists use pity against their victims. They make the victim feel sorry for them and guilty and shamed for existing, so that the victim will continue to allow the narcissist to abuse them.
Other UA-cam Narcissist channels that you might find helpful are: The Little Shaman, From Surviving to Thriving!, The Narcissistic Resistance, We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez, Growth After Abuse, Permission To Exist.
@@rapunzelmane9592Thanks for your answer. But I still don´t understand: The concept of Ross Rosenberg is: A narciccist and a codependent attract each other. My father was obviously a narcissist. My mother had a life before her marriage and must have been very different than later especially after she had a stroke and nearly died. Maybe the stroke changed her biologically, not only psychologically. My parents had two children: My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. For both of them. Especially my mother treated my brother like a God. My father was sadistic towards me and in the beginning also towards my mother but not towards my brother. His patients as far as I know loved him. Both of my parents didn´t like me. And both of them made me down verbally all the time and were controlling. So this does not fit with the concept of Ross Rosenberg, when both of them were narcissists, one of them open and the other one covert.
@@utascholl6566 + Yes, I think that it does fit the concept that two narcissists will attract each other, one overt and one covert. Also, narcissists will attract non-narcissists who are codependent because the non-narcissist is used to being abused by a narcissistic parent (Human Magnet Syndrome).
In your first comment, you seemed to be unsure of whether your mother was a narcissist OR a co-dependent. But it is possible to be both a narcissist (Covert or Borderline, usually) and a co-dependent.
The pattern of making the son the Golden Child and the daughter the Scapegoat is also text-book Narcissism and your mother was probably the one who selected you as the only scapegoat. Some narcissists will make all of their children scapegoats, sons and daughters.
Yes...I understand you
My grandfather was a WWII POW, and I think passed this abuse to my dad, then to me. My mom has gotten real bad about my boundaries now. It's hard to let them know I want to go no contact, right before the holidays. My dad is terrified of me, but still takes shots at me. My mom just says it's all in my head.
Well I had it with them. They gotta go.
Thank you soooo much ❤🙏 this abuse from my "mother" has taken YEARS to sort out... has fucked up relationships... and a lot of opportunities for me... understanding these things and my own inner wounds is setting me free... so i can finally be me instead of my mother projecting her wounds and traits onto me and me believing them and allowing them to hold me back from life... like i have for the first 25 years of my life. Thank you again 🙏❤
23 years ago I fell in love with a man who never left his mother's house. She was demanding, over-protective, strict and a narcissist. Her son never married, never had kids, never saw beauty in a woman, who was not his mother. I was having a fantasy he would love me perhaps after she died. However he just died at the age of 47 and his mother is still alive.
My mother is doing this to my brother atm
She wasnt being protective toward her son, but toward herself. He was a possession, a thing.
I have both a Mother and Father wound. It’s extremely painful, but I have forgiven them. My mother had her own Mother/Father wound, and my Father did too. I think most parents do the best they can. It’s now time for me (at 58) to work on these painful wounds, so that I can make the most of the years I have left. 🙏 Thanks to God for directing me to your channel.
I put it down to karma to be born in a dysfunctional family. The very sad thing is that it's a never ending circle.
It's unbelievable how after all these years, at my age, after all the studies, forgiveness, learning, identifying, letting go, I am still not
Whole. It's ingrained from childhood, into my DNA. I keep trying and praying and giving up to my Father in heaven but still something broken. I know take care of my mother, she's 89 and has never changed. I am still very exposed to her sickness. I'll never give up. Thanks everyone for sharing
Angel Hoot I started reading the Bible and found that Christ was a very good start to a solid foundation. You will feel whole once truly saved. It will free your mind from the demons hold on other people that try to control and manipulate you. Once you see through their lies they will retreat and go the opposite direction.
😚
@@1jw298 thank you, I would not have come this far without Him
Angel Hoot Epigenetic trauma. Google it. It's an explanation for why this trauma appears to pass down the generations. PTSD related, also. My psychologist told me this link. The only solution? Ensure it ends with you by dealing with your trauma and not engendering it in your progeny.
@@1jw298 the bible won't work on me anymore. The bible was used as part of the abuse. Not even the satanic one will help me even. I don't have any real drive to hurt someone. I feel if God is all powerful, he can talk to me himself. I had too many church people try to return me to the abuse, and force me to like it. That's a permanent deal breaker with organized religion. I have religious friends and it don't bug me one bit. I feel good and bad, is based on the person, not the church they go to. That's why I hate churches that label people into groups, so they can de-humanize, so it's easier to attack these people.
The court system I feel abuses people that had the most abuse, cause it's easy money picking on the weak, to them. That's why people lash out at authority. Hey, our government knows they abuse people for profit. They just won't admit it, like a narcissist.
This is why I keep a low profile, and keep to myself, so I can avoid unwanted abuse, by the police on up.
Thank You Ross and Rick. Rick I also had similar experiences with my Narcissistic mother. Last year I also realised that My Narc Mother and I are totally separate people! And it wasn't some intellectual thing. It was an outer body experience. Quite bittersweet. And letting go of the fantasy embedded in me... I'm turning 33 this year and I'm glad to be free from that bondage.
Congratulations Mereana on completing what can be some very difficult work that often has to wait until much later in life, if it is done at all. As you said, now you you can move forward much more freely in your life.
Healing and Progression to You! 🙏
I realised last week that me and her are two separate entities, I am 41 and regret that I didn’t separate emotionally from her sooner. I am starting a new life but I feel scared at the same time. Of her anger. And also I nee to learn my boundaries which I find difficult with her.
Ross, I call that realization you had- where you aren't responsible for your mother - that loud angry dad wasn't the source of all the trauma- & that my mother's inability to provide healthy parenting-an awakening. I had the exact full-body, emotional tornado experience with my mother last summer after 2 years of EMDR and extensive childhood trauma work. It all got worse after that but soon much better. high five well done
Thank you both! 🕊🌞 It's a long free fall to the darkness when you understand you were never loved in your family and what damage their did to you. It's hard to get your mind and body to recover when you loose the sense of security in life.
The good news is that the darkness you describe is not bottomless or infinite, although it may feel that way at times. Transformation and healing are definitely possible, although it will certainly require facing and feeling some painful realities that have probably been avoided for a very long time.
@@RickBelden True. It can just feel overwhelming with all those symptoms like panic and anxiety attacks when you are alone with the realisation of narcissism in your family or at work. But healing is definitely possible and a beautiful journey.
Thenightsky*** 🙏🏻
I had no security! At about 8.. my step dad sat us( me and my brother by my mothers 1st and 2nd failed marriages) and told us that he and my mom had contemplated giving us up to foster care to start their own family. Can u imagine sitting there hearing that your own mother was almost on board to give you away to have kids w her 3rd husband? That set me up to never feel secure again. At 13.. I began to speak out on the abuse. My mother ignored me and began to discredit me to anyone that would listen. If I reached out for help.. she quickly friended that person and began saying very terrible things that never even occured. She even said she feared that I was dangerous to her. It led to throwing all my things out a window at 16 and my life began to take a terrible turn. I lived in a car. While she was safely tucked in a heated home w her 2 kids and husband. But it set me on a path to succeed. I did no contact and she loved it. Out of sight out of mind. I went bk as many do. Hoping to salvage something. But to no avail. She died 2yrs ago. Surrounded by her golden children. Getting her revenge w her Will and my brother and I are scared for life. But I'm relieved. I didnt attend the funeral or visit her in dying stages. Hope it was ALL worth it to her.
Valerie Stout I’m sorry you went through that . Your strength to stay away and recover is something I admire .
The poem gave me the shivers. So spot on. Women suffer the mother wound, too. And you're right, it's easier to start with the active parent, then move on to the passive parent. I didn't even realize my father had a part in what I experienced as a child. I thought it was all about my mother. But my father let it happen and, in his own more passive way, damaged me.
Same here
Daughter of an alcoholic narcissistic father and a codependent mother who did nothing to take my brother or myself out the situation. My father was in the navy so was away for long periods. Those times were good. Then my dad came home and it was all about him. I have been angry lately, very! I’m 46 and My mother is dead. I dont see my father. I’m a mother of 4 now myself. This has opened my eyes . Thank you
"A relationship failure is a collaborative venture"....................so true, and this plays a big part in why SOoooo many relationships fail. Understanding why we are EACH drawn to certain individuals is the key to making different choices which will result in better partnerships.
It took me till I was 57 years old to see accept the truth about both my parents ~ I now don't have any contact with them as I have completely acknowledged that they were constantly toxic and controlling and throughout my entire life.
I did what you talked about I always blamed myself for everything even though I lived with severe physical and emotional and sexual abuse from a very small child from them and their extended family.
I suffer from PTSD and I am still very protective of myself because they have now put their hooks and lies into two of my daughters.
I have to still tread on eggshells with the relationship with my daughters because my parents feed them some such falsehoods or the misperceptions they live with and as my parents call themselves and profess to live as born again christians yes it is hard for my children to see through the lies and the fog they emit. So I am gentle with my daughters and we mostly never discuss my parents their grandparents and I just allow them to work out their relationships with their grandparents who have projected the loss of me in their lives onto my daughters and treat them as if they were their daughters. Generationally it continues. I did try to explain to my daughters, one is more open than the other but really in the end we all have to discover our own truths just as I dont down their dad my ex husband to them ~ in time they discovered their own truths about his behaviours. They will get through this. We all will. It is just so sad. Grief is a huge part of the recovery process I agree with you both about that.
It horrifies me that most of my life I was scrutinised meanly and criticized constantly and still treated like I am the dark horse of the family the bad one.
I am blessed I believe in God although I can't step into a church because to me they are full of others that are just like my parents which scares me awfully and this year I am 60 yet I still feel like that frightened 3 year old. Crazy.
Who would have thought that two 80 year olds could be so manipulative still ~ from the tomb to the womb it goes on.
Slowly I heal now I have removed them from my life.
Yes boundaries are brilliant and using healthy boundaries has assisted me to gradually accept myself and be who I really am.
But that pain of never being able to please them still floats around and the false guilt trip returns at times.
I no longer miss them. I am grateful to not have their drama in my life.
They both sit down EVERY WEEK DAY late afternoon and take the phone off the hook and watch the Bold and the Beautiful a TV serial AND HAVE DONE FOR MANY MANY YEARS and this is far more important to them and gives them their dose of drama that they so obviously need. I find that habit so strange, that the bold and the beautiful show is more important to them than me.
I admit they scarred me for life but I hope I have come far enough to be strong enough to turn all my dark moments and deeply held grief from their non acceptance of me as a unique and beautiful individual in my own right with my own free will and I also KNOW my shadow lessons from this experience in my life have brought positive healthy change which now have made me stronger rather than breaking me.
I love your poem.
Thanks guys I really appreciated your open hearts.
Stay strong, stay no contact! I'm going through similar and utterly exhausting unraveling of lies weaved into friends and family my entire life by my mother. I'm 55, she's 80. It's hard to believe, but that generation still has no clue how their mental illness has damaged everyone around them. Total denial. Yet the truth eventually surfaces and we breath, love, and hope once again...
52 years old for me
I've realized most of my mother's dysfunctional routines and habits (currently declaring bankruptcy, again-ran the plastic over 100k in debt, again, watching home shopping network everyday, buying jewelry several times a week...it goes on and on) is her sad attempt to avoid reality. Keeping up with the Joneses as they say, is priority #1 for many in this generation-at all costs. "I'm/We're doing great...". they will say... meanwhile you're thinking huh?!
They value appearances and material wealth above all. Even to the point of filling their heads full of flashy things on a daily basis through TV programs. It's their daily crack cocaine.
So you know what?
Pity your parents, they will end their lives without reflection, spirituality, and the joy of real unconditional love and acceptance for their family and friends, all to chase material wealth, in their case fantasizing about it if they must. They will never really know themselves, each other, or you. But you are now stronger, having seen them for what they are...You have more power than you know now, because you will teach your daughters what should really be valued in life..
Hugs...
aby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
And they make out like they're the perfect parents.
exactly, made me laugh for the unspoken suggestion there are perfect parents, and that they obviously will not ever know what it is like to be a 'mother'
You nailed it! Pretending to be the Beaver Cleavers! Trying to fool others, when you are only fooling yourself! Forgiveness is the best answer ,and then move forward. Time is the only thing we have, make it great. The person in the mirror is the person holding us back. Makes friends with person in the mirror , they are actually your best and only friend :o)
I have recovered from my abusers because I realised how fearful and insecure they were. I’m not dragging dysfunction around with me anymore. They made me stronger - strong enough to forgive. When you get to this you really “get it”. The freedom is right here and right now. Take it. ❤️
So far amazing. I have been amazed as I learned that I was a different person from who I was told I was and manipulated into being. I'm someone I like. That was a surprise.
Si` :D
I am convinced that I have a lot of suppressed memories.
@@JoseRRodriguez I suspect I'm perhaps I'm not meant to remember, and that it might be better if I didn't. At this point, I pray about it, and leave it up to God. God bless.
I came back to your channel after getting swept up by my narcissist (again, and even though i'm 99% confident I know when he is gaslighting me he still manages to make me apologize for questioning his character after he's done something that hurt me) and I was looking for validation in your videos as i do. Recently, my sister (23) and I (almost 20) came to the conclusion that she has borderline tendencies and has been that way our entire life but she's always been so skilled at making sure she was viewed as the victim by my sister and I, that we have never doubted it. But anyways, that's my mother wound. I also wanted to say it's always so comforting for me to watch your videos because they remind me that how I feel is very real and they keep me grounded after my narc throws a curveball at me. Thank you for doing what you do and giving thousands of people the knowledge, strength, and validation we need to keep us grounded in reality.
Very helpful. I had a narcissist mother that called me names, verbally abused, neglected me and my brother. She chose men over her kids. I'm 45 now, and finally realized why my friendships with other women always failed
This is so good. I felt all of this years ago and I thought I was going crazy. I had to walk away from my parents for a few years to heal. I was in my early 40’s. My only wish is that I could have seen this sooner so that I could have healed sooner. I guess it’s all in divine timing. I am always working g on my traumas. It’s such a journey. It gets exhausting when you go so deep within yourself but very worth it. Thank you for sharing these. Priceless ❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing and for listening. 🙏
My mother never called me after I left home at 18 for college...I was the only one in the dorm who never got calls or packages from my mom...She knew my dress size Jr. 11, from dragging me from one department store to another...buying little dresses to pirouette in and show my father how cute I was.......when I survived a suicide attempt as a senior in college, she came to see me after I was extubated from the ventilator and on the psychiatric unit and said..."We know it was just an accident." Like magic...nothing was ever said again ........ except a few hellos, good byes and uncomfortable A frame bony hugs....No one cried at her funeral..
Mary Ann Blackwell My mother visited me once on my birthday my senior year of college only after I threw a fit because I knew I would be graduating. She did it and laid on the guilt. I never asked her for her time again.
painfull
Mine dropped off when I moved out too. Very cold. Nothing you can do about except be grateful for what you did get, so you can now live your life. Could have been worse but could have been better too. X
Wow, I am sorry for you, it is so sad to have a callous, detached mother.. How deep are the wounds.
tragic ...I do hope you are recovering xxx Your mom did not learn the lesson she came for and will REPEAT! EVOLVE OR REPEAT....SIMPLE AS THAT....
My Guardian Angel and team brought this video to me Thank you 20:12 “My mom and I are separate people I am not responsible for what happens to her”
I realized many years ago .my mother was the victim of her mis fortunate childhood ..it was passed down from genteration to generation.she neaver had the tools to be a good mother .I chose not to have children 💚
Same here and have never ever ever regretted my decision for one nano second plus I prefer to have lots of cats anyway :-)
Mentiras, ellas eligieron deliberadamente hacer daño.
Dr.Rosenberg, this video is so informative! It is true that Attachment Trauma is the cause for personality disorders, addictions, Codependency and Narcissism too. Secure attachment, mirroring, attunement and all the emotional goodies we need growing up as kids are so important for nourishment! Thank you for this and all your incredible work. We are blessed to have you as a resource I our healing journey 😌🙌👍💯♥️
Three CHEERS for anyone healing from BOTH...the duo Mama and Papa wound. But in my experience, my mother wound has been far worse to heal from. FAR WORSE. . . I guess intuitively I figured my Father had sociopathy. What tore my world apart, was the realisation of my own Mother being toxic. She really played her cards well. It was mind-splitting.... I'm actually glad I found out though and I too, have divorced my family. No contact with ANY of them. . Thank you for this work-!!! 💖
I have too. All my life I wondered how anyone could ever walk away from their family. I could not fathom it - until it was the only sane thing left to do...
58 years... Just discovering now... Thank you!
You're welcome!
I see this is an older video, but I am a perinatal mental health therapist & LPC and I work with my clients on the mother wound. It is my experience that most women who have "mental health concerns" around the time of becoming a mother, have a mother who is either narcissistic herself, or who is the non narcissistic parent who didn't protect. There's so much to say and talk about here, but I just wanted to say I appreciate this video very much. Thank you.
You're very welcome and thank you for your comment!
This sounds so like my home. My mom ALWAYS protected my narcissistic father. He was like dr jekyll and Mr Hyde. Yet mom ALWAYS took his side. Thankfully she and I have both learned and have reconciled. Dad has passed, but the damage is done. Just like my children...I even tried so hard to NOT be like how he treated me. I guess this is why it is called A "chain" or "curse" until someone breaks it.😢
Both my parents are narcissist. And everything said in this video was everything I needed to hear to sweep up and toss out the remainder of trauma I've been carrying. That feeling of being "overly responsible" for every woman I've ever been in a relationship with has haunted me for a very long time. I'm an extremely capable man, with a lot of potential, and instead of tapping into it, I'll hold myself back and make sure the woman I'm with is catered to and taken care of, always putting my needs last until she gets fed up and moves on. Leaving me feeling "unwanted" and "undesirable" to continue the story I've been carrying around since childhood.
You two gentlemen are amazing men, thank you.
You're very welcome. I'm pleased to know that our conversation has been helpful to you.
@RickBelden both my parents were severe narcissist. My mom had 15 children,0ne set of twins ,my dad abuse all his children and my mom ,he beat us up kicking,pushing us degraded us verbally,fear controlled us we all were scare to even exit .Now all the after maths all my siblings are messed up ,drugs doing them are selling them been in jail ,prison,criminal minds even though i didn't see him my dad as a criminal maybe because he did work until he retire besides he believed all people needed to work ,i understand why now i had a therapist for over 13years also went to organization to
Learn about Mental illnesses ,I was bondage to trauma until this day.i was enabled to not just myf
😮
Now all i can do is cry and feel grief for all thats been lost i have a deep compassion and articulate well. POOR SOULS LOVE IN CHRST
😢
THIS IS HEAVY!! Im siting here while they’re explaining my life when I’ve never once felt understood. Right on!
Thanks for listening.
So hard to realize at 60 years old! My mother is 91 soon to be 92, slowly fading away; I wish I would have realized all of this after she was gone because I feel fake not telling her how much pain and destruction she created in all of her 6 children 😐
You're the parent now.
Don't punish your child unnecessarily,
My mother finally told me before she died that I wasn’t wanted. I was born because because Grandma wanted a boy to be the third. It explained so much. I didn’t mourn when she died. But then she didn’t want to see me when she was on her deathbed.
Great vídeo. It really touches on that very unconfortable issue of parental blaming. Acknowledging past facts (neglect, gaslighting, cruelty) and the emotional price you have paid is not simply blaming someone else for your problems, it is a necessary part of healing. It must always also be acknowledged that our parents in turn were parented by people who did not know what they were doing. Parenting well is probably the hardest job in the world! Thank you both
We are all wounded in some way. Hurt people hurt people.
As much as my narcissist mother damaged me, I know my grandmother caused the same wounds on her, it allowed me to give her some grace but also take my space as much as she guilts me for it, boundaries are necessary
THAT POEM TORE ME UP. Thank goodness I'm good at stuffing my pain and was able to put it back as I began to feel the Mt. Everest of a bawling session coming up from the deep.
Absolutely powerful! I will be spending the weekend binge-watching. I've been doing this inner work over many years. Since the passing of my Dad 15 months ago, the close proximity of my mother and the oldest female of 4 siblings ... I am once again suffocating as the small child to infantile mother. There is obviously more inner work to tend to. Thank you so much for being here, both of you ... I am very new to the channel.
I’m so grateful for this video and for Ross Rosenberg. I’m 36 years old and still have no idea who I really am and constantly wondering where I stand in this life due to my mother. I’m far from healing and learning about my trauma of mother’s wound. I’ve been to so many therapists here in Utah and all resulting in me taking antidepressants without ever delving into the cause of this depression. I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 and have had a better relationship with my mom long distance. Now that she is retired she has moved in with me and all of my childhood memories and triggers are replaying and we do not talk. If we do, she could say something about my weight or compare my kids to someone else’s and I would lash out at her or shut down. I owe it to myself and my kids who deal with their own mother’s wound from me.
I definitely have identified within me both the Mother wound and also the Father wound for different reasons. To put it all on one parent only partly heals the inner rifts in my experience.
This video blew my mind I've come so far in my healing, but up until now, I've been idolizing my SLD, and wondering why I'm still attracting narcissists into my life. Wondering why my relationships STILL aren't working out. DING. DING. DING. Thank you Rick and Dr. Ross!!!!!! Much, much, love to you both. You are such blessings to humanity.
Thanks for sharing. So glad this is helpful!
You're very welcome and thank you for your comment.
This is why it is so important for your father to love and respect your mother. A mother who is being abused by her husband has very little to give to her children.
Thanks for seeing it. As an only child who lived through the trauma and darkness of a broken mother, I tell everyman I know he does an inconceivable harm to his children when he breaks their mother down.
Dr. Rosenberg, my journey was so similar to what you discussed just now, it's unbelievable. But I would like to add that being a mother myself, helped me see my mother differently. I started to question her parenting methods as I did a lot of things differently. I instinctively took on the role of interpreting my little children's emotions, moods and needs to my husband who seemed rather at a loss in this department. In the process I realized what a huge role I had to play in keeping or trying to keep the family in harmony. I instinctively tried to protect my children from my husband's anger tantrums. It was with this that I realized my mother was not the "angel" that the whole family thought she was. I remembered how she would talk about my father behind closed doors, whispering at times. She did not do her job as a mother like I did! Instead, she used her power to separate and alienate us from our father and did the same with him. She manipulated him into doing the abuse for her! When he abused us she was missing, had no opinion, nothing to say. Just gone. She was behind it all along. Automatically my father was alienated from us and seen as the bad parent. I hated him all my life, until only recently, when I figured out that I actually walked in his foot steps. If I hadn't lived the life I did, I would never have figured this out. After many decades, I finally made peace with the only real parent I had, a broken abused little boy, a co-dependant, like me, that never got to see the truth. (He passed away in 2009)
I am so grateful to God for healing you. God bless you. I wish you were a little boy that i can scoop up and kiss n love. My heart is broken over all the children who haven't been loved and nurtured by their moms especially. Much love
One of the most insidious dynamics is enmeshment with our mothers. I have struggled with unbelievable guilt every time I allowed myself to feel OK about life or pursue what I loved bc I felt that I was abandoning my mom to her loneliness and unlived life by moving ahead in my own. I quit being a therapist bc I couldn't deal with the stress of the work and caretaking her too. I even felt torn between my mom and my partner, as if I owed her total loyalty. Its sick and crippling
My Mum is and always has been a martyr. The world revolves around her. She plays myself and my sibling against each other. When any of us are brave enough to call her out she cries, she cries like she is a victim, she has used this as a weapon my whole life. I've worked so hard to overcome trauma from childhood but the one person still trying to hold me back is my mother. My Dad got the blame for everything, she does not know how to take personal responsibility. It's so conflicting to love someone but hate who they are as a human being. I'm pushing through this just now. The thing is I am more than capable of really going for it, letting it all out, telling her exactly how I feel, but that would mean no way back for our relationship. All we can do is work on ourselves, I am building my own life gradually, taking away her power bit by bit. Sending love to all who need it right now. Stay strong 💜x
The healing process requires us to accept and grieve our childhoods (the needs that were not met) but to simultaneously understand that our parents did their best (where applicable) but their best was not good enough. One day, we will do our best for someone, and our best might not be good enough.
My mother has always been self-centered. Now that she is in her 80s her memory is what scares me. According to her, she’s always been the innocent victim and me the difficult daughter. Needless to say, I have to maintain a safe distance.
Loving and protecting my mother is important to me. Compassion and love for her covers her betrayal. I mostly feel sorry for her.
I hope you eventually heal.
I get where you're coming from. I do that to, I feel sorry for her. She's old now. I beat myself up for to much self sacrifice, no boundaries.
Frances Lockhart I had compassion and love for my Mom also, but I could not allow her to destroy my marriage and my family. Had to go no contact.
@@paulocl2 I don't think you ever heal from incest, I have a great psychologist, a great study life, work, and just struggle forward. Thanks for caring.
Frances Lockhart I totally forgive my mom without even bringing it up to her. I understand where she was coming from at the time. I turned into similar (sld) my mother married a narcissist but will never understand or admit that he was and I did the same thing by marrying a narcissist but I just feel like I could never leave... I feel sorry for him and so much empathy...ugh
I was the golden child. Same thing. In my case we were immigrants, so I saw the dysfunction as cultural differences. In the end, it was my imperfect dad who was the sane one. My mother used her children as Narcissistic Supply.
I wish that I knew what happened to me between the age of zero and four (it must be subconscious).
It took me forever to realize that it was all subconscious and held in the body. I have had a map where my mother’s “objects” (children, my siblings) were held inside. In the body. Those objects became reference points to justify self defeat and to avoid boundaries. In this way, the mother remains a higher power and (as an addiction, with all the chemicals associated with attachment trauma and attraction to narcissists) and spiritual bankruptcy results. Recovery from spiritual trauma is really how it could be described. Narcissists are accepted as gods.
@@WDBDWK Great comment and observation. Thanks.
I was both a victim of my own mothers codependency and a perpetrator upon my own children as a codependent myself. I did choose my narcissistic husband again and again. I would fight and resist him unlike my own mother but I wouldn't leave.
I have a family of origin that's in shambles and the family I helped to create is also in shambles. The devastation of codependency is tremendous. I see it's effects everywhere I look in my own struggle toward self love, my siblings, and my adult children. The narcissist is only half the equation. It's crucial as the other half of that equation to take responsibility for your own indifference, your own neglect and abuse. You will never get anywhere until you do so.
Awoman Alone Lord have mercy. I’d give my right arm to hear my own mother say these words. Congratulations on getting there and best wishes on your path forward.
Yes. Amazing that you are able to admit the problems and mistakes of the past. The truth hurts but it brings healing.