Induced Conversation - Part II. Narcissists Hook You Because Of Your False Power Syndrome.
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2020
- Induced Conversation - Part II. Let Me Help You From Getting Hooked Again, and Again...
In Part 1, Ross Rosenberg's concept of "Induced Conversation" was introduced. It is Pathological Narcissist's primary manipulative weapon designed and crafted to pull back (hook) a person who seeks no contact and/or to terminate their relationship with them.
In Part 2, Ross explains why the person with Self-Love Deficit Disorder/SLDD (Codependency) gets "hooked," over and over again, by their Narcissist's effective use of "Induced Conversation."
Ross provides five explanations for why Self-Love Deficients/SLD's (Codependents) consistently fall prey to "Induced Conversation."
1. SLDD Addiction
2. False Power Syndrome
3. Gaslighting
4. The SLDD Delusion
5. Magical Thinking
Ross explains how and why this video's information is crucially important in maintaining no contact from one's dangerous and menacing manipulative Pathological Narcissist.
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC latest book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (2018) and his personal development, seminars, workshops, and other services can be found at his Self-Love Recovery Institute company, www.selfloverecovery.com/
Ross is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and author and is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment.
His book, “The Human Magnet Syndrome” sold over 120,000 copies and is translated into ten languages. Ross’s UA-cam channel has amassed over 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers. He is a keynote speaker and educator who has presented educational workshops in 30 States/70 cities and abroad. Ross has been regularly featured on national TV and radio.
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Just an observation here. . . Does anyone else watch movies and realize that we have been programmed to believe that abusive people in films can always be changed by acts of love? IRL it doesn’t work that way! It kind of makes me sick. I have always enjoyed movies of all genres, but this is a pervasive theme throughout. It’s disturbing.
Wow I know there is "programming". Never recognized this very harmful thinking their implanting in us over lifetimes.
Beauty and the beast springs to mind... check out the royal we ‘Stockholm syndrome’ in regards to narcissism, very interesting
Some people can be healed not by stable environment, but their realizations while in loving and stable environment plus concurrent therapy and open mind and desire to change CAN.
some can be, some are beyond help.
Absolutely. Specially women are taught this. Also a Christian conditioning. Not that it is something wrong with turning the other cheek or being kind but the problem is when it comes at the expense of being unkind to yourself
@@thesisterhoodhub way I look at it Beast is the narcissisticly abused codependent who must learn self love or else turn into a beast. Gaston was the narcissist.
Magical thinking :”If I become nicer then the narcissist will respect me and play nice.” This is insanity.
Complete and total. These people are PROFOUNDLY unreachable.
I spent a lot of time wrestling with the narcissists in my family thinking that if I kept pointing out the objective facts they would eventually realize I am not the lower they say I am.
It really takes a lot of failure before you realize you are dealing with a mind completely out of tune with normal thinking.
I tried that for years and has no idea why he was so unhappy and ready to share that with our children and myself. I went to counseling for two years but apparently this subject wasn't as well known at least not to him. But he did tell me to leave town for two weeks. I instinctively knew not to tell him before I left. I had become a Christian seven years earlier and was so aware I had done all I could in the midst of the crisis we lived in. Ten days later after I explained he had to leave he gave his life to Christ. And what a difference! Night and day difference even in the countence of his face for two years and he slowly slipped back into his old behavior. I went my own way as previously. It was clear to me he wasn't able without years of help and he refused. Those tears weren't miserable as they had been. I learned late to walk out when he baited me. There were long stretches of time between rages so I began to feel at ease. The only time he did this was in the car. After he raged at me on the way to church until I was in tears and refused to go in because I was the church secretary. I literally left him there and drove home in very cold twenty degree weather. He was picked up by a lady from our church just before he had to walk on the freeway. He became very aware I would leave. It was as if there was a volcano within him that had to explode.
Fool yourself to please the narcissist??? NEVER!!!!! IM IN WAR with my brorher in law.... a narcissist!!!!!!!
@@pb9616 just remember - if you're fighting him that means you care. That's his goal and objective truth means nothing.
They try to get you to argue because that tells them whether you still believe in them. Once you see them clearly, you logically lose all hope in the relationship, in which case you recognize the absolute uselessness of arguing. So again, if they can get you to argue, they've gotten you to reveal the fact that you haven't given up on them.
You get it very accurately
Yes.
The point you give up on them shines a whole new light on the whole affair.
Damn so true...
I've seen the glimmer in the eye. I definitely saw that he got satisfaction out of getting me frustrated and evoking my compulsive compliance. I interpreted it as...He views the arguments as love.
@Sheila Mchgee If i look on all the comments above, it is pretty simular: We did see, we did feel it was not 'fitting', AT all. It is actually scary to understand that so many ppl have the same expierience.
"It's easy to quit smoking. I've done so hundreds of times." -Mark Twain
Me too!!
😂
I'm two years smoke free Alhamdulillah.....
I fought with him nearly every day for 37 years. I'm free now, so happy I cry.
mmommo1 1111 I'm extremely happy for you, because being free of the abuse is the best feeling in the world, especially if it happened for many years, and crying is a natural response. ❤
comment makes me think. oh crap, gave him supply for 30 umpteen years, gotta cry too 😢 😭 😫 😪
Congratulations guys. The morning after I left there was a purple sunrise. Don't let them Hoover you. Pity is their strongest tool.
Congratulations! I think me and my two daughters are next for freedom from the narc
@@kaystephens2672pity is their strongest tool...I think that's the quality of my character that had tied me to them,....they are dead to me now, wouldn't waste anymore pity
I used to defend, explain and feel a need to set the record straight. Then a very helpful person explained, "If you know your own truth, that is enough.". That one statement ended the struggle for me years ago, I don't think I have entered the ring since. The most I will say after listening is, "You have no idea who I am". Repeat as needed. In fact, I think that was very frustrating for the last narc, I know now that he wanted screaming and yelling.
@@dimplesnichelle4274 It can be amusing to watch and that helps you ODA! Plus, it reminds me, this person doesn't have a clue about me.
Awesome insight thanks🙏❤️
@Bunny Bubs thank you Bunny Bubs. I should have included that I say it as an exit statement, as I am walking away and in a light tone of voice. It's like, "well, good bye now."
JADE. Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain.
I have done the same: explaining and explaining. But finely i found: that gave a lot of fuel and inside information to manipulate me.
Now i some-time use it as a 'tactiek', (did that 2 times) schare 'sort of privite information' to see IF the person is mis-using it. IF so, i ask: by coincidence, is it possible that by mis-take and withoud jou realize it, jou have narcicistic behaviour?
What happens is this: if it is a narc: (and know it) they get very mad
Or there will be a dicussion or a joke. Normal people do not over-react like a narc.
Practising: no no no
Why i wanted this to try-out? Is becours to overcome my fear of being stalked again. I turned the table compeet: un-masking a narc in public (it was a pub) and schow that kind of agressiv behaivior was reason to ask that person to quet down.
im amazed by all jour reactions, happy to know we are able to LEARN (smile)
Going against narcissists is so difficult as it is against our natural instinct to defend ourselves by doing something. The most powerful defense is to remain silent.
For those of you just starting, don't ever stop healing. It is worth it. Keep seeking understanding and you will find healing and your own true self. And you will reach a point when you realize there is no going back, and the healing snowballs and grows. Healing takes time, be patient with yourself.
I live in a small beautiful country called New Zealand where NPD counselling is non existent. 42 years in a toxic marriage has left me absolutely broken. I lost everything, house, kiddies, finances and profession when he walked out was march 2020 Covid lockdown to make it a grand exit he left me in the house with no food,power,fone,lights,running water and rats n cocroaches to keep me company. counsel services are not equiped to support us. I am losing the battle to live which is heartbreaking because I have a fighting determined spirit that overtime sees no reason to keep going. I am a lonely hermit diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder and bad health. It is like a slow death sentence for someone who simply gave unconditional love to someone unworthy😔
you lost everything that was WRONG in your life, and now can have and bring goodness peace and healing into your life.
It is devastating to be sucked into a relationship with a Narcissist. There are so many imponderables to attempt to explain. If one has never experienced the tactics of a Narc it can shake your beliefs and principles to the core.When you finally realise what is happening it is possible to extricate from the clutches and requires strength and more determination than you've ever had to call on..but you can do it if you believe you can. Keep Keep
@@uk7769losing her electricity finances food sanity aren’t part of that deal.
I’m so sorry I have had to endure the same from ex who turned my kids against me they became the abusers when he no longer had access to me! I also lost everything due to him & another toxic person who first offered help then began the abuse again - my mother! Then I ran to a supposed friend and after my father died she started threats to harm my kids accessing bank accounts stealing finances While i ran round every service saying they helped with abuse all lies in my police reports and hospital records the ignorance of staff victim blaming again! Then wasted 5 years in complaints all more lies as they tried to avoid accountability for their heinous actions! Now I expose them all and all their abuse and lies on social media and as I started learning to cope alone and rebuild my life finally I have peace in my life! Lost my career my home my kids and all my savings due to these lunatics! Stay strong know that you can rebuild your life as hard as it is if you try to explain to them about their toxic behaviours it’s just more wasted years and more abuse from the gaslighting to the breadcrumbing! Now the threats and abuse from my kids their father taught them is unbearable so I had to detach and learn not to engage anymore! Know that things do get better your a survivor now not a victim - try not to go over it all in your mind it won’t change any of it - I started writing about it one day I’ll publish those books - they’re are toxic heinous individuals! Stay strong try meditation don’t take antidepressants it’s all doctors offer for abused people and they are all flawed drugs causing suicidal thoughts the systems are clueless many staff are also narcissistic abusers and liars now I’ve read through the police and health services files the lies they told rather than do their actual jobs investigating the gang stalking and poisonings to stop me talking to the police is laughable so I’ve plastered it all over social media to expose them as well! Hope your ok 😘
Emotional Thinking is the enemy. Think rather than feel around them. Practice self love and seek spiritual awakening. Very powerful!
They will be kind, they will taunt to get you to speak. Nothing you can say in response will do an ounce of good. Narcissists are experts @ twisting words, conversations to make them look like lowly victims. The ONLY way to overcome this abuse & heal is NO CONTACT. You must act like they're dead to you.
Exactly... I see it like a nightmare or a film i saw... And now i am back home... In the loving arms of my real beloved... Ahh, so romantic❤️❤️🏃♀️
Yes....DEAD...and we don't CARE!
Feels that way~
Is the narcissist lonely? and if so, how to react or be?
Watching one maybe 2 in action with me atm.. this time I know it’s happening so viewing from a more detached position than ever before. I just didn’t have the term before but definitely watching it happen and noting it atm..
This is literally why when I’m done with people I say I don’t talk to dead people. I’m not an exorcist.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I struggle with engaging in induced conversations in my head (or by talking to myself) with toxic people from my past as though I can resolve past conflicts with them now and do so by using logic and reasoning. I'm still wrestling with these people in my head. I need to practice your advice about observing but not absorbing and not responding with these toxic ghosts. Thanks for your work. I love your book.
Yes I'm consumed by rumination many days,but still working on it...
These vids help a lot...
Thanks for sharing Jeff. Keep up the good work!
@@RossRosenberg Thank you for the encouragement!!!
I think having an imaginary dialogue with them is somewhat normal even if it’s bothersome. I think our brains are trying to point out that we are both logical and well-intentioned yet because of who we are engaging with, it always goes south. I used to try to stop the ruminations/imaginary arguments, now I actually see that my brain’s coming to terms with reality via this medium. And I don’t feel so bad about myself because of it.
@@taylorashtondavis Thanks, Taylor. That makes sense and is encouraging. For me, another part is not wanting to be caught off guard again. So, I'm trying to work out my defense strategy. Maybe that's part of the process that you described.
Constantly explaining myself to finally be understood, be accepted, be loved, the simmering rage at never getting the validation anyway. l can remember feeling like this even at age 5. The familiar dance with the narcissist !
Thanks for sharing Mizzy!
I was born in a narcissist family and now I understand why I had had so many problems with couple, friends, bosses and co-workers.
When my mother discarded me I almost died. I couldn't eat. I couldn't swallow. And I know it is worst experience that anyone can go through; finding out you were never loved by your own mother.
You can get out of there or plan it. In the meantime. Use the grey rock method; bore them to death. No fuel. Don't waist your time and energy on them; they are yours. ❤
@@Lyrielonwind I'm with you. The pain is gutteral.
@@donnebonne
The problem, I think, it's that everyone will blame you for being "weak" and that you try to blame everyone else for your failures when your parents designed you to be a loser from the beginning. 💖
@@Lyrielonwind Plus one! Weak for not playing the rigged game? Every time it ended up badly for me, so I don't do it anymore.
Good information. The wrestling ring is the narcissists only form of "intimacy". Intimacy based on debate, anger and manipulation...a type of "rape". This is repulsive to a healthy person who would see intimacy as sacred and based on trust, honor and even a sense of playfulness and genuineness.
Whew! You said mouthful!!
Excellent statement. The only way they can “feel” close, or feel anything, is to create the manipulation. They enjoy doing the same thing, the same way over and over bc they actually cannot imagine how to do it differently. They are deficient in understanding how to resolve or minimize conflict so they do what has worked before to provoke. It’s so intensely childish. Their brains have never matured. They themselves are deficient in eliciting real love but cannot figure out how to get it or want to change. I think that is why arguing and explaining does nothing.
Thank you for defining the wrestling ring as the narcissists only form of intimacy, which is paranoid in nature because the narcissist doesn't trust anybody and is always vying for control and they insist you prove your love for them in ways that are degrading to your humanity. Intimacy, as you succinctly put it is sacred and based on truth, trust and honor.
Very well said
OMG...I have never heard of induced conversation but I just realized my exnarc bf of five years specialized in this...his mother too! They go after each other like two crazed bulldogs and now I know why...that is intimacy to them which is insanity to me. Before he discarded me in October, he started the induced conversation tactic that would often turn so volatile I would end up leaving to escape the hostility. I don't know if that was the purpose of this, to get me to leave or if he just wanted to insight a fight and get a reaction from me but it always ended badly. We have not seen or spoken since the discard but a few days ago I texted happy birthday to him. Yesterday he replied asking who is this making me think I had texted the wrong number. I apologized and let it go. He later responded he didn't know why my text went through since he has me blocked...he obviously 'figured out' it was me. I responded by saying it was a happy birthday text and nothing more. By the way the reference to a pig is hilarious as he actually owned a pig that he treated better than he treated people.
Most victims of narcissistic abuse and manipulation don’t have the skills to respond in the most appropriate ways. One consequence I seldom see discussed is that use of inappropriate defense mechanisms will cause others to hold the victim equally responsible for the situation. Narcissists are expert manipulators of family, friends and mental health providers in addition to the victim. When those close to you do this, it is gasoline on a fire. Playing the both sides game in addition to feeding the narcissist serves to validate the person trying to help. They get the satisfaction of pretending to help and the smug superiority of thinking they know best without the emotional consequences of taking a side.
With narcissists, I came to understand the meaning of Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." You cannot wrestle with these elements you can only NO LONGER engage, stop dancing their Tango!. But to be able to no longer engage with these forces IMO requires a Higher Power, it requires prayer to the Power of God the Creator to break free and set us free.
"
@@8LegoVogel8 A mistaken take on God and His request for us to use Prayer as a Weapon. Prayer changes things. You Have Not Because You ASK Not. God wants us to be co-creators and taking co-responsibility by and via prayer...action follows.
Amen 🙏🙌💯💘
Once you realize they want to drag you into sin all of the time you detach. It becomes an obstruction to your relationship to God imo. I want to protect that at all costs.
Oh yeah I’m in recovery that’s the only way I got sober praying
It’s taken me a long long time to realize through my relationship that the pain of being ignored and settling for scraps of attention and calling that love was yet again repeating childhood shit. I was attached to it because at least it wasn’t violent.
It is violent. It destroys your self-esteem.
@@athena3865 💯💯💯
Same here, its a real eye opener
The gaslighting is PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE !!
😢😢
I've realize that alot of the time the best response is NO response at all. Literally instead of continuing the conversation or answering a question I'll just walk away mid convo. It leaves them mind boggled lol
I walk away too!
My husband use to follow me into the bedroom. I would lock the door. And he would still get in. I would need space to calm down. He could never understand that☹️🥵
YES, Manny...yes. Very hard sometimes. But, actions are crucial here ...instead of words. Careful ones! Actually...the only and best action? WALK AWAY and don't look back.
I should have knwon about this long, long ago. Luckily, I went No Contact with my Narcissistic mom and I've slowly but gradually been regaining my sanity. The conversations with her really were crazy making. I unfortunately thought that everyone listened to reason, so I always blamed myself for not articulating myself properly. She always made me out to be the bad person, and took my words out of context to further her agenda. I finally realise that it's best to not respond to toxic people. Walk away and save yourself!
@@DMCdantenero112 My Narc mom also twists my words out of context to serve her agenda to gaslight and triangulate me with relatives, to isolate me, abuse by proxy
My mantra: Self preservation is your very first and most important instinctual responsibility. It is mammalian. It is primate. It is human. Anyone who impedes this self preservation has not earned the privilege of your presence in their lives. You are not responsible for their emotions, only yours. In fact, by exiting from the lives of toxic abusers you actually help them as you are not enabling them to be their worst selves. Authentic love arrives when you create the correct patterns in your mind, body, and spirit that are equipped to receive, handle, and manage that love. Thank you for this excellent work you are doing, Ross. Fantastic!
We are equipped to manage love. I really like that, thnx for ur comment 🙏🏼
Thank you for your comment!
They don't always win, sometimes it's possible to beat them but the fight is very draining and traumatic.
Define winning
Mine just sits there quiet until I am exhausted trying to find resolution, respect and/or understanding. Thats not winning thats him dismissing me then gets to say there is nothing wrong with him while I get more worked up and crazy.
They have no bottom. When I was pulling away from my covert narc mother, she threw herself down some stairs. Freaking unbelievable.
Rolling around is mud is never healthy.
EMarie-3 so you’re the narcissist?
I just watch their attempts to trigger, I look at it in my mind and think my god this person is strange and insecure. I see it clearly. I’m not codependent, this is a family member. Long ago I reduced contact to once a year at most. I advise a beautiful pet for the best companionship. And your kind friends. You have more power than you know.
That’s the best place to get to-when you can just observe neutrally and think, my God, this person is so strange for doing this to other people-rather than reacting to and trying to control what they are doing to you. When you realize it’s their problem and nothing to do with you.
Wow. I totally was on the hamster wheel. I truly believed I could effect change when I was equipped with enough info ...
Thing is, narcs always move the goalposts. To them, you are slated to lose by design ... Every time.
Thanks for sharing!
Wicked game they play. It was stunning to learn the goal is to fight, win at all costs and harm me. Father of my son.
The best descriptions I’ve heard of coercive conversation and co-dependency. My Nex incessantly used every tactic in the narc book to engage me.
When we separated, he texted incessantly accusing me of crazy shit. As soon as I would prove one accusation untrue, gaslighting and word salad ensue. Don’t EVER go on the defensive w/ a Narc. You can’t win and the gaslighting and word salad is crazy making. Stay long enough, and risk developing anxiety/depression, then they’ll humiliate and blame everything on that. Anything to off-load their self-hatred onto you and feed. They are hungry ghosts.
Thanks for sharing.
What's the issue with the word salad? I am currently in a relationship which is toxic and he is sending me word salads quite often, especially after a fight
“What is it about me that makes me fall prey to induced conversation?” 💡Yes, focus on self. While I’m getting quicker at identifying narcissism red flags, and gaslighting techniques, I’m still attracting these types in various forms. Being alone is certainly less scary then being with a person who has me question my sanity. Thanks 🙏🏻
Manipulation. That's the main thing to look out for when a conversation with another person begins. Always keep an ear and an eye out for them buttering you up or knocking you down for pumping their own selves up while knocking you down
The butter up.
Yes! That buttering up precedes the attack. Then if you're myself, you get angry at yourself, and you think why did I fall for it again? I thought I was up for a good game of 4D chess with these people! Nope, I got baited into DARVO ( deny and reverse victim & offender), essentially handing my ass to these people under the guise (to myself) of fighting back. That's exactly when I went into the wrestling ring with the pig without even knowing it. Now I'm learning better and at the first sign of a red flag I am saying SAYANORA. Fortunately I haven't met too many of them who I was actually friends or family with, but the ones I was dealing with, after years of their fake nicing /bogus admiration (20/20 hindsight told later), were completelty devastating and I eventually just went no contact. In a few instances the real evil did not show their face with that smirk until way later. But with a best friend who I confided to fight about my narcissistic mom to who lives across the country, too many times overlooked mud wrestling rings years later. he pretended to have come out of the same situation with the narcissistic older sister and Mom. but you couldn't help but the sometimes flaunt that he was preaching what they were saying behind my back in weird forms. looking back, when it came out and micro attack form, I wish I walked out right then because my gut was right. But now I'm learning and healing.
I had my suspicions about someone that I thought was I helping out, thankfully; I’ve dealt with this trash my whole life and BLOCK works. Super freaky situation, he desperately tried to turn me into a codependent for probably 18 months, this is male older than I and I just considered it an odd-ball relationship because I’m an odd-ball and like intellectual banter, and the dude is quite bright. I also keep hella weird hours so, fuck it but over the last 4 or so weeks this dudes behavior toward me got pathetically manipulative and weird. And then the “no, what you really mean is the opposite of what you said or did, just now!!! RAWR!!!” horse shit started happening, and it just got worse until I was like “Aha! I’ve smelled this shit before.”
NO CONTACT
Every time i am tempted to make contact, i watch one of Ross’ videos. This one is soooo practical. If communicating with the narc is like taking cocaine, this video is like taking a strong quick-acting medicine that promotes healing. Thank you, Ross!
Thanks for sharing. So glad this is helpful.
Get the book “The Language of Letting Go.”
I call it the “tangled dance” (squirming to get out of quicksand, fly in a spiderweb getting even more tangled up, pulling feathers off your tar-covered body using your own tar-covered hands) - avoid getting into the tangled dance with them
@Sheila Mchgee triangulation = drama queens (ewww gross)
excellent comment
My ex narc would force arguments and conversations almost daily. It got to the point, where I was not able to function as the conversations went well into the night up to 2,3 or 4 in the morning. The only way to stop them was to apologize and agree to whatever his terms were. When he was too tired to go to work the next day, I was beat down even more being blamed for taking too long to agree. Ultimately, I was told that I was ruining his job performance and attendance . He also used to forced conversations to sabotage me when I was in nursing school by starting arguments right before I had an exam or the night before. I decided to drop out after he manipulated me to put all my energy into the relationship. I am left with 40k of student loans and no degree. Smh 🤦♀️ he really was horrible when I look back. Not sure how I survived other than God’s grace.
Gregor Bscheschicha yes. You are absolutely correct it was very stupid and I was very naive. I am thankful that I know better now but it was a very expensive lesson.
@@sweetkelllz What you don't say. Going into the trap with the consciousness that it's one is stupid. You know that, it's your fault and you rightly bear the blame. Well now you cam work on rectifying that. I would even help you if i could but we don't know eachother, personally. I would need to prove if you're a Narc hahaha. Nah, you'll make it anyway, you don't need my help, you have God
@@sweetkelllz dont apologize to this duch bag. I just reported this person for harassing you. This is harassment.
@@PoleHaus you sound like an abusive asshole to the core. On here trying to find out what ppl know about you. Loser.
@@sweetkelllz No, hes not right, not even close. Hes abusing you on this site. Tons of males get on these sites to abuse more and find out what knowledge ppl have on their mental illness so they cant figh back harder to destroy you. Hes going to "help" you? Lol typical narcissist, acting like you're beneath him and need them and hes a complete strange as well! He needs to help his predatory self first. What a loser he is....
Don’t take the bait!
Agree 💯👍 Once you suspect their either a narcissist or a flying 🐒 give no reaction, go Grey Rock instead.
PATHOLOGICAL LONLINESS!!!!!!! Yes thank you yes. Bone deep every cell in my body over 50 years. Thanks for the explanation
@hayswhite Were you an only child?
I was one of six children but in adult life I felt the pathological loneliness after walking away from a narcissist I’d fallen for. Still coming to terms with it watching all these vids because I never want to feel that grief, disillusion and manipulation again.
The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s apathy. In apathy there’s nothing. No anger, no hatred, no words, no deeds. It is an endless void of nothingness from which the narcissist will claw and dig and try to extract anything they can use to leverage against you, whether through the induced conversation or through some other passive-aggressive means. But as long as you can let go of the bitterness and be who you are and let them be, then it’s easier to present nothing. If they say they’re hurting because of it, that’s their problem, not yours. Because you know deep down in your heart that you’re not out to hurt them, you’re trying to keep yourself protected. And remember that there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Great content...and when you become aware of it, it's very scary, you try to talk to them in your "new self" but as soon as you open your mouth and start talking you revert back to that codependant mind set.
Brilliantly said!
Nail it!
So true!!!
Yes, Dr is right. I have witnessed them pushing his induced conversation and when do not engage. They will step it up to harassment...oh how dare you not engage with them when they are being sooooo nice
Then: May God grant us the Serenity
To accept the things we cannot change
The Courage to change the things we can
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
THANK YOU, Dr. Rosenberg
Very powerful prayer 🙏
Beautiful words
I'm still in mourning of the marriage. Yet, it's over.
According to the State of AZ..
They reason that "we will always be enemies. We will always have someone to blame." That he is danger to my life.
I figured that is what he wanted.
I've lost more than time. Thirty-six year's of marriage I am thankful that I am away.
God loves me.
@@kellyleighread807 We love you too, warrior. You did it. You got out. Any danger he is too stupid for words to present to you? The Law would see to him. You KNOW what to say and do NOW with this education. No matter HOW he tries to twist it! Meantime, take some self-defense courses...and keep records. Document and record of you suspect anything. Never hesitate to call 911. A camera or cameras (visual and audio) could be an option to make you feel safer *and give you proof!* Do you have reason to believe he may be stalking you? Order of Protection! Love and Validation. You are stronger than you know!
And the strength to make an EXIT PLAN.
Ross is the boss on this subject
Yep this was very well put!
Facts.
YESSS!
Sam Vaknin is the foremost authority IMO but Ross is knowledgeable in his own right.
He is amazing!!
Recently had a co-worker on a Care Team who kept her Covert Narcissism well hidden. Manipulated me to stay late because there was always "something" she needed to talk about. Realized that was her code for having me stay late for iNDUCED CONVERSATION. I've realized now, induced after work conversation needs to be met with No Contact For Our After Work Boundary Violations (leaving on time). This affected my Achilles Heel: Pathological Loneliness + Being needed = Humble Pie. I think she was one of the most cunning Narcissists I've ever come into contact with, due to her feigned neediness. - the "wounded animal. While I was working with her I JUST DID NOT SEE WHAT SHE WAS DOING! I did have a boundary with leaving my shift On Time and her feigned neediness would cancel that out.. Meanwhile, I moved on to a higher paying, much healthier client environment. Still not seeing what she.was doing until a few weeks ago when it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is a very slimy person. Ross's two Induced Conversation UA-cams, Part 1 and Part 2, are both "must watch" for our narcissism recovery.
Wow the way you put that was so good! Yes! It feels really good to use the gift we have to help people…but then it gets flipped on us!
I recently realized I’ve been doing the same thing! Neglecting my own children to pour into someone else!
Oh how true! I just want to get moved away from this person & have a safe life again.
@Sheila Mchgee ♥️ Thank You!
Thank you so much for making these videos available. 14 years with a covert narcissist that convinced everyone around me even my children that I am an evil terrible person (and crazy) had me at my wits and almost completely void of any hope in ever having a happy life. I am just so grateful to find out this is a real thing & I'm not alone in this terrible situation. Thank you for giving me hope again. Your the man in my book! 👊
You are so welcome Alisha! You are not alone.
31 years here. He thinks he has our children forever convinced I am also many negative things but I no longer worry about that, I pray they will wake up someday and then go on living a wonderful life of freedom, I hope you are enjoying your freedom.
really appreciate the name change to self-love deficiency.
Wow it’s a huge bummer to be learning all of this in the past year and realize that everyone in my inner circle and close family is a narc. I’m ready to start an entirely new life and it’s pretty scary/exciting.
Go for it. Detach from the toxic people who you have identified and find like minded individuals who push you and want what's best for you and who are selfless people. Fly with Eagles and leave them turkeys behind. If it's family just don't personalize anything and know your own self worth, know your truth. I can not control how people act and think these days about me. None of my business. Although I can control how I choose to act or react in any given situation. God bless you and your family. My prayers are with you
I understand. Start over. I was a narc magnet. No more. No contact. Set boundaries. Move on to an inner circle that let’s you set boundaries.
Same
when I finally realized I could get out of my 37 year marriage of him cheating from day one, he assaulted me that I was cheating..the onslaught coming from him was so loud and angry that my body wanted to ADMIT TO CHEATING just to make it stop! I kept quiet. He left. I'm so happy now I cry. I never cheated, never would, wasn't raised that way, he was.
The sad part is most bosses are like this.
World is governed bt reptilian psychopaths, no feelings.
Thank you so much!! This video really helped to clear my mind. I'm 6 weeks out of a relationship with a narcissist and am struggling with going "cold turkey". When he emailed me "by mistake" last week, I sent him a sarcastic reply and boy, was I sorry!! He had a fantastic time grinding me into the dirt. I won't make that mistake again. But I'd been dreading him contacting me again because I didn't know if I was strong enough to move on. But I can see it clearly now what the situation is and why nothing he says is going to mean anything. I need to not engage. This isn't my first relationship of this kind, romantic or otherwise. But it'll be my last. Thank you again. I'm on a waiting list for counselling but I'm the meantime I'm studying all I can in the subject. I've subscribed to your channel and look forward to educating myself further. This is the best I've felt in weeks!! Thank you again!!
Thank you so much for sharing Andie! Please also consider visiting Ross's website, where there are more resources to help you.
When I find myself in this situation I literally don’t know how to get out if it. Not engaging can make them angrier. Engaging keeps me in the midst of it. Short of taking off and exiting stage left quickly, it can be difficult to know what to do.
I suffered with this as well from my teenage years and on. In all the years of self help, I finally learned the most simplistic and best tool...that there are only two questions "does this feel good? or does this feel bad?" then move my body away from who is doing things that feel "bad" to me, or say "speak quietly to me" over and over and walk away if they won't, or simply say" that feels bad" and keep repeating "that feels bad to hear" when they ask why(so important not to change those words). I've chosen to keep the relationship with my parents, I have found with the change in me and my language to them, they are changing in response. They had many many narcissistic traits because of emotionally abusive parents but not full blown narcissism so your case may be different. If you are dealing with this technique will still work, it will also help you realize how much "bad" feeling is actually happening to you. When you use it with them you will watch them deflate. Keep it up. We're all going to be okay. The Universe loves you, the flowers and the trees love you, the doggy on his walk, who's not even yours,loves you.
This is so helpful thank you so so so much!!!!!
KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN
Awwww that was beautiful-🌹🦋
I think I know what you’re thinking....😁
“That feels good “
😉☺️
Oh I LOVE YOU! That was eloquent and really felt good to hear. The resilience and wisdom that we find during our healing is something we'll always carry with us. We Will Survive!
Thanks for all your help. I never new there was a name for the 25 year of hellish marriage I endured.
I had one tell me once that he was never going to back down. I replied with "you don't have to back down. You are who you are".
It immediately took the wind out of his sails. He never argued with me after that. Because he knew it wouldn't work. He then tried backing down and changing his mind to give me the illusion that I had power because he was giving it to me, and he was letting me "win". I turned down what he was offering. I wasn't looking to win. Or be a victor. That's not how a healthy, loving relationship works. Relationships aren't a power struggle between 2 people.
Thanks for sharing.
3:44 The smiling pig with the lightning really got me 😂😂.
Awesome Ross, you're the best.
Thanks for watching Naz.
I'm so glad I watched this today, as well as the first part. It was recommended to me and couldn't be better timing. I was getting sucked back in... Ugh, they're relentless.. He moved across the street from me and I cant get away! I'm going through so much turmoil I'm really becoming overwhelmed..
Thanks for sharing Angela. Keep up the good work!
Get a restraining order
Mine isn’t across the street, but has been stalking me since I left - 2 months now. He has even called my pastor to try to manipulate me into couples’ counseling. He knows if he can get me to submit to counseling with someone he chooses, he can make me look like a total loser and abuser and himself as the victim/abused.
@@morningsong8077 hope you're doing okay.
People who are not involved directly in the situation tell me not to be a coward- fight back, tell them this and that so they will understand. Narcissists are not interested in understanding you. The only way to manage them is no contact because they are unmanageable.
Waste of energy! demons!and witches!
Majorly ...
🙏🏻💯
These videos are really getting me healthy
This is what people were spending a fortune on going to therapy bck in 70s 80s 90s
wow i get it now
Thanks for the support. 🙏
So, basically going no contact is the only way to avoid being sucked back in to a no win situation with a narcissist. Recently I've had to go no contact with my narcissistic mother, my narcissistic daughter, a narcissistic man that I've been seeing off and on for 2 years, and a narcissistic new love interest. I feel very isolated and alone. It always comes down to this, and being alone seems to be the only way I can have peace. It sucks, though.
Its always the challenge.
Stay busy get hobbies talk to other people go to the gym.
Thing is if you put yourself back in the abuse if you think being alone sucks wait till you feel dirty used and betrayed and alone.
It can be worse and get a lot worse.
Build you.
Do you.
So your mom, daughter, ex, and new guy are all narcissists. Lock them in a room and let them suck each other's energy and struggle for power 🧐
@@starboy2013 I know... been there. You're right.
@@HooDRidEWhiteY I struggle with accepting that my youngest daughter is highly narcissistic, but I see it in her personality. She had a baby boy back in April, my first and only grandchild. She uses him like a pawn. I'm not allowed to see him right now because she's mad at me.
@@SkyePhoenix
If you can let it go they have nothing to pull you around by.
Thank you Ross. Your words are helping me to understand what my 90.yr old Mom is trying to do to me xxxx x
The older they get the crafty bastards get worse
Dr. Ross Rosenberg, thank you so much for your teaching. Since I married and spent only short time with my narcissist husband I felt that I am dealing with a wild pig who has great pleasure and muster laugh when he sees me shucked and speechlessness after he challenged me with lying , name calling, degrading,manipulating, make fun and joke on my expense embarrassing ,insulting etc, after 4 years my health declined to the extreme, I felt his insult words costs me feels like a hamster on a wheel spinning in my brain thousands of times couldn’t get his words off of my mind costs hypertension, liver in pain and sores , sleeplessness, it costs me develop more health problems. Your teaching is an eye opening for me to realize, if I want have a harmony and peaceful life I need realize there will no better tomorrow if I am still wishful thinking, but back to the wheel of love bumping, degrading, name calling, on and on. I am separated and no contact now for me to take care of my health, if no contact doesn’t work then divorce would be the right decision for me to take. Thank you again for your teaching.
For every year you stay with a narcissistic partner, will be the same amount taken to recover.
I spent a decade with one type. When I began trauma work, I understood my father was another type, my sister, yet another type.
As a result, another 12-year “jail”sentence. Altogether: 22 years.
I began trauma therapy and practicing Buddhism in 2013. My “probation” is near. Keep that in mind.
I'm binge watching your videos now that I've found you.
Your teaching here is so resonant, your delivery so calm, your message that you can resist their manipulations and how to do it is a lifesaver 🙏
Your renaming of Codependency to SLDD made all the difference to my understanding. That and 50 years of doing it wrong!
Thanks for sharing. For more information about Ross's SLDD/SLA pyramids and his definition of codependency as SLDD please visit: www.selfloverecovery.com/
You know my husband did this maneuver on me all the time. Then he would say “you always have to have the last word” to make sure I would come back and ask him more questions that he couldn’t answer and then inevitably turn them on myself and call me the crazy one. Smh
Thanks for sharing Alisa.
trick
I would say over and over walking away, “I’m not biting your hook, I’m not sinking to that low..” and like a fox around a hen house, he would ho at me until he found a trigger. Then point at me and laugh “see look how crazy you are!” Wasted 4 years of my life. Didn’t need that as a life lesson.
Great wisdom! They don't care if they get positive or negative attention. Will go to sick lengths to get it such as suicide threats,sickness,false accusations to get you to defend yourself...etc...
They prey on our compassion and empathy.
I've found that it works to stay calm, be nice,unruffled...i say things like ...think as you wish,you are entitled to have your misperceptions of me,whatever,does that make you feel better about yourself...
Dr. Ross the way you explain this and use the analogies is brilliant! You have a gift in conveying to us you’re listeners the root issue of the problem so it can be identified! I whole heartedly believe that I now can find the solutions to my SLDD and embark on my recovery journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ also I would like to add I am a recovering addict and I am a member of NA! It was interesting to hear what you said about the first step in codependent anonymous. I have been in recovery for 5 years. I had a brief relapse after 3 1/2 years but by the grace of God I made it back to the rooms! I have been in a marriage of 24 years that very much sounds like the human magnet you speak of. I finally have the courage to do what is best for me and take care of me! Thank you again and God Bless you!
You wont believe this but just this morning the narc co worker was on my shift....she baited I bit....im gutted I fell for it...after knowing about wrestling pigs!!! But they are so able. Needing comfort I go to UA-cam and find induced conversation part two...!!!! You saved my sanity this evening....and many times in the past!!! Thankyou so much.God bless ❤❤❤
You are so welcome!
Thank you for this. Finally I understand what I had endured for 24 years.
You're very welcome JJ!
This was helpful, especially because induced conversation is my Achilles heel. I am trying to figure out if it’s because I love and care for the person or if it’s because I just don’t want to let go of everything attached and it’s a little of both.
Deep respect for 15 min of education
Co- dependency / my world was a perfect recipe for this.
Although I’m independent in a lot of ways - and when I’ve actually made great effort and feel like I’m on the way up the hill for once, I swear to you it’s as if nature stops me / one being my mom. Someway somehow she gets me to think another way or something else happens that nobody could endure / and for someone like me it’s game over. And I promise you she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.
I slide back down the hill, tired, emotionally drained.
I actually made it to the top of the hill once / and when I got there Id landed in a hostile environment harassment in the most unusual way and they were letting it happen.
I’m talking about transitioning back to I certain career industry I took all the steps I did the interview; and this is after a year updating all my skills and everything, really giving effort while working. I was going to classes I was dressing up each morning, and then going to work afterwards at my retail job. 100% determined to do this and be independent and I was doing it.
And I got to the job and then I found out my supervisor is a hateful person an instigator should not be a manager at all I was the only one beneath her so nobody else saw it, and I was miserable and being abused and harassed, and working in an environment that no one would be able to endure - and I lasted a whole year - when I should’ve actually quit a lot sooner because all it did was cause me PTSD.
If that’s not a reason to give up for a little while and try to understand myself I don’t know what it is because I really had a hard time with it.
I was beat down again.
And you know that gets really old in life when you got it coming from all sides like you really - don’t even have a chance.
that’s what it feels like.
This is so right, how conversation is the key. I think I'm making such a mistake when I plan ahead, thinking like this "They'll say this. I'll say that. Then, they'll understand and tale me seriously. Then we'll get into a state of mutual respect . . . " Anyone else do like that? Well, this inspires me to do better. I know about ODA, but understanding this is a breakthrough.
Thanks for sharing Sage.
Probably because they make you nervous, you feel no matter how much you practice the conversation in the mirror, they won t like it... They simply don t like you... Or anyone else... 🏃♀️🚀
@@lesleygarvs4640 Yes! Totally.
False power syndrome,magical thinking, gaslight all these terms are new to me. I totally understand them. Thank you Ross
Once again, I thank you Ross for making it so clear to me on how we get sucked in by the narcissists in our lives. This has happened recently to me. I failed in the first instance with a family member and see how clearly she does this to me. I ended up hurt & confused and then again with a ex who wanted to rope me in...Hey, I dropped that rope...felt so good !!!
So glad this is helpful Rosalind!
Thank you again, this is a specific. I get this and I get caught in this verbal dance so often. I so appreciate your messages and find information helpful.
You are so welcome Maria. Thanks for the support.
It's biochemical! So true! I feel it in my entire body when i have a withdrawal, I don't feel me, i don't feel authentic
WOOOOOOHOOOO THANK MUSIC AT THE BEHINNING GOT ME EXCITED! Yesss. You guys I am so proud of you, you are becomING the best version of yourself everyday, you leave the past behind but learn to never make the same mistakes again, we are thankful to GOD for having pple like this man, and for having a chance to grow, CELEBRATE GUYS WE ARE MAKING IT!
This was so insightful. I was fighting tears when you described the SLD pathological loneliness. Just recently, i decided i was done with the hamster wheel. It was precipitated by an injury. I remember telling my husband, you're not showing any empathy. I hurt myself doing something FOR HIM, but he couldn't help me even though i was in excruciating pain. A few weeks later, i got sick, same treatment. So, i grieved the relationship and decided to no longer be a doormat. Well, that led to SIGNIFICANT feelings of loneliness, to the point of passive suicidal thoughts! I had to fight my cravings for physical affection, touching, hugging, etc. He finally noticed something was different. When i explained the last straw of the lack of being there for me and a couple other things, he just made excuses, the same ones that he has been making for years. Seeing i was getting nowhere i was just dismissive of further "explanations". Now he wants to "talk" and keep trying to get me to engage in conversation. He doesn't get enraged, but he still manipulates.
I also kept having flashbacks to different scenarios as the speaker (sorry im new here) was talking, about how manipulative the induced conversation is. Its happened to me more times than i dare count. Im going to watch the longer seminars. Thanks Doc!
I feel like my narcs are not smart, they even play stupid at times. Are you saying that they are fully aware of our weaknessess and that they have stratedgy to this degree? They truly know or somewhat understand their intent behind induced conversation? Thank you so much for your info and videos. I am so grateful. I am surrounded by them all my life now.
Oh thank you so much, the sound on this one is awesome! Great video, thank you.
Glad you like it!
Thank you so much! Despite I think I'm cured from the SLD, I always learn a lot from you. Your videos help me to keep my healthy way and continue practicing my daily self-love, self respect and setting healthy boundaries. I just left a group therapy where one of the clients was a covert narcissist. He offended me and another woman in the group in telling us that she and I are reminding him on his last 2 girlfriends, who were horrible and never accepted any law. He actually doesn't know us at all, so 1st he insulted us in a way that we couldn't react properly because we had no clue how his last 2 girlfriends have been and 2nd we both are definitely no women who break laws. So that part was kind of gaslighting. Interestingly the therapist didn't say anything about that and the other clients didn't react too. So I went home on that day, wondering what kind of therapist that is, who accepts a behavior like that and further more is not able to protect his clients in the group against these bad assumptions of that guy. I went there the next week, hoping that anyone would talk about it. Nothing happened. Since I know there's no way to cure narcs (and possibly bad therapists...) I finally left that group. I'm really fed up in fighting against narcs, no matter where or who it is. I just leave and go my way!
I came across your content and I am finding how useful it is compared to all of the other content to see on the internet for which I understand very well. I'm co-parenting with a covert narcissist and your content about induced conversations is exactly what I was looking for. I deal with this constantly and I'm very appreciative of your work. Thank you so much😊
Oh, Dr. Rosenberg, is always so refreshing to learn all these... And the more I learn, the more I thank you for being crystal clear about this topic, in such a manifest... I knew enlightment was guaranteed by watching this video, as it always is. Thank you! 🙋♀️❤️🦋
Wow, thank you
This is invaluable information.
For people like me who are learning to stand up and advocate for themselves, we have to know this. Because guess what? when you try to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, you are conversing with the narc!!
This information is vital.
So real and so empowering. Induced conversations are so "good" that one only realizes when later while feeling cheated or regretting having responded or reacted. Thank you so much. Getting out of the wrestling ring, Work in progress.
This is an angle re the problem of narcissists, that I've not come upon before and never thought of. It's extremely helpful and clears up the problem for me, immediately. Thank you.
New subscriber here. I'm really appreciating the Dr.s humour, compassion, knowledge and insight.
Thank you, very useful video! It is amazing how that argument pattern repeats itself almost the same way within narcissists...
You're very welcome.
Sitting here aching, thinking about how much suffering and destruction could have prevented if I understood even a fraction of this ten years ago. So much of this life has been wasted on unnecessary suffering.
Better late than never. Time for self love.
WOW. I've never heard anyone explain why I feel "lonely-to-the- bone". SLD. Yes.
Thanks for the comment Deb. You may find this video helpful: ua-cam.com/video/T5nHw7CXLbE/v-deo.html
Ross,this is absolutely brilliant.Thank you
You are very welcome JL
Yes, this is a great vid.
Oh, for the last several months I've been learning about this. I'm on several channels, Rebecca Zung, Dr Ramani ... hopefully I spelled those right and several more.
It's great to have the formal explanation of this. Over the years I started to figure things out intuitively but that's kind of limiting.
The director I worked under in a manager function from '17 till early this year had very narcisstic behaviors. I did approach things by observation and not committing emotionally ...and it drove him nuts.
I work in a homeless shelter and I watched him behave this way toward many guests of the shelter. There was religious narcisstic behaviors mixed in too.
It was a challenging experience for me but honestly, I learned so much through it. We can't always get away from a personality like that so, having strategies is something I want to practice. Thanks. 😁👍
Thanks for sharing this message. I needed this. I work with multiple narcissistic people/dark personalities. Learning about the induced conversation adds a lot to my understanding. Challenges related to this appeared this past week. It is a tricky thing to navigate when dealing with toxic supervisors but every day I am growing and learning more. Nevertheless, I am committed to victoriously taking my life back from these evil demons. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. Glad this is helpful.
Today has been a day of a lot of reflection being by myself during the day but also having mixed feelings or "mom's guilt" for my son's first day of school but it's part of his growth, and I needed to take time to reflect and go deeper in how I feel. Going through divorce and pandemic at the same time it's not being easy nor pleasant but I'm so happy for the changes I have gradually made and start working on finding a job. I'm so glad for being out of a toxic relationship and need to work on getting back to my fully independent happy self again, it's when I feel better and at my best. I just need to make sure not to get into any unhealthy relationship or situation and remember what you say in your book.
Reflecting on my journey, I have always walked away from any unhealthy relationship or situation sooner or later. I just regret it took me more time that I hoped, I learned from the mistakes or bad choices. Never into drugs or consuming alcohol, just being in the wrong place with the wrong people (bad choices). I stopped taking anxiety medication after finishing therapy on February, and felt much better after. I don't want to repeat any cycle or pattern in the name of love ever again!
Definitely the "Observe don't absorbe" technique has helped but as an empathetic person it's hard not to feel other people's energy good and bad. People can lie but the energy never does. However, I have learned to detach, stay tuned to myself and protect my energy. People are always gonna judge, no matter what we do. But you're right, it is all about self-care and self-love. 💗🙌🙏✨
God bless you Ross.🙏🙌✨💗
Thank you so much for sharing Ariadna.
It’s funny because, I now believe that my ex wife was a narcissist - and this is one thing that stands out about her behaviour: in any disagreement, I would usually “check out” because I felt like she wasn’t being remotely reasonable, nor honest about the situation. And whenever I tried to disengage, she would absolutely hound me to no end, until I reengaged. I’ve even locked myself in the bathroom for hours, while she pounded on the door literally the whole time . Even just saying “I need a break from this frustrating conversation, can we pick it up again tomorrow?”, would not be acceptable to her. For her it was imperative that I reengage in the argument immediately, and do so until such time as I - out of sheer desperation - took on 100% of the blame for whatever was going on, absolving her of any wrong doing even though most of the wrong doing in that marriage came from her end.
I’m so grateful that’s all far back in my past now. But it’s still scary to think of her behaviour in our marriage, and why I was willing to be there at the time.
Very informative, every word you've said sooo true. I am dealing with narcissists! They're everywhere!!!! Thank you so much for the insight!!!!
So glad this was helpful Ana!
Everybody deserves to know how to protect themselves from skilled psychological predators. This is Very good Medicine for our peaceful minds that love emotional wellbeing. You're such an Angel 😇. Thank you
He speaks the best of anyone on utube regarding the reality of these issues. I intend to forward his videos and intend to review all of the courses he recommended.
Thank you from the core of my being.....I have survived and now understand my life better.
Thank you so much for sharing Nancy. If you need information on Ross's resources, please send us an email to help@selfloverecovery.com, or visit us at www.selfloverecovery.com/
Such excellent informative enlightening content. Thank you Ross.
You have helped me so much already and I'm just learning about listening to your channel and how very wise you truly are. You also come across as really caring people learn and get well. Thank you so so very much!:-)
You are so welcome.
I loved this video!
My narcissistic neighbor has called the police on me saying I murdered my wife. He and his flying monkeys have stalked my home for days on in. He has threatened me with gun fire. Last weekend one of his flying monkeys yelled at me “you’re dead!” as he drove past. He almost won with induced conversation. I wanted to stop and talk to my neighbor about this. I didn’t. I called the police and made a report about being threatened and left it at that. The police did nothing. Nothing can be done because it’s my word against his. It’s a he said she said situation. All I can do is ignore it until it escalates.
I am so skeptical of videos on UA-cam that talk about narcissism in general, but especially videos that talk about things people should do or not do to be rid of the narc in their life, sort of quick fixes. But I watch them sometimes anyway sometimes, because of my narcissistic parents and, more acutely today, my narc ex who, accidentally on her part, shattered the myth I carried about my childhood. (kind of like losing the three main relationships in a single year...the breakup took a year) This is maybe the most helpful concept I have come across on the subject. So is the false power syndrome! which I have for sure and am happy to have a thing I can reach for in my head next time it starts to manifest. Induced Conversation should be so obvious! I have known forever that talking them can feel like being put into a trance, and can induce me into a sort of compliance. OR can induce me into defending myself. I just couldn't put it together that it was a tactic to keep me hooked. Cognitive dissonance, magical thinking much? The common advice of a simple "do not engage" is typically the only advice anyone has, and it always felt sort of moralistic to me (or it was given to me by moralistic people) and it seemed like it was brushing off the pain of insidious relationships.The subtext always felt like it was blaming the victim for getting themselves into it in the first place, with an implied warning that they would shame the victim if I didn't take their "advice". This video it so extremely helpful. thank you so much.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts Tim. Glad this resonates with you.
I was in a dollar store once and i was having a hard time deciding what i was going to buy because it all looked like garbage.i saw in my peripheral a big guy had came into the aisle and was staring at me and not saying anything.he started fidgeting a bit like he wanted me to acknowledge him.when i didn't i felt an intense bully vibe mixed with some confusion and frustration from my indifference.he eventually in an intimidating tone said "the manager sent me back here to see what was taking you so long" .i responded in a very uninterested tone without giving him my focus "did she" i felt like he had a hot potato that my response did not allow him to toss to me. He said "yea,you have been back here a long time" i said "have i" i knew since after seeing that i wasn't doing anything wrong he was still persisting that he was a bully and the rage he wanted to lay into me with was obvious,but i calmly asked "how long have i been back here"? He got even angrier and said "you really want to go there"? I said "i was already here,you came to me"😏 he got closer and said "you want to be a smart ass,i like a smart ass" then for the first time i gave him my focus and turned facing him and he could see i had a skateboard and i was also holding it like i had lived on the westside for awhile and i said "pretty soon you won't"😁
Such a positive video. The way in which you simplify the complex psyche is really awesome. Thank you for your time and efforts. :)
Glad you liked it!
I have been taking screenshots of the various slides to keep in my learning folder as I recover. Then I backed that up several places because this is a whole new kind of continuing education. Thank you again Ross I really appreciate it.
Wow! I think you nailed it! I refused to think he could break me... I’m so confident in my life. My job, my friends, my family is the absolute best! No matter what he said, there is no way I am insecure, but your videos I and II just made me realize I could very easily go down this path of addiction. I had no idea this was going on internally! During this video he sent the nicest email... hitting my favorite topic. I need to act like a recovering alcoholic right now and actually get a calendar and put a big X on everyday I make it through another day of no contact! Today is day 1 with zero response to his emails. You gave me power and if I ignore your advice, it’s on me. I know what needs to be done. In this relationship for two years. Broken up (this time) for over two months. I even moved 4 hours away just to avoid being tempted to see him. We have had contact every single day. I ended it last night and finally stuck up for myself. He kept texting me to go away and stop texting him . Then he blocked me... again for the hundredth time. Today stared his pity party again. I’m so goad I listened to this before I decided to respond. I’m going to put pictures of tooth fairies all over my house to remind myself he’s not real. Thank you! You’re the best! Almost a year of tube videos, counselors, books... you are the first one to point out that it is ME that has the addiction. Just WOW!
Thanks so much for sharing Kay. If interested in more of Ross's resources, please visit www.selfloverecovery.com/ and humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/. Keep up the good work!