Finally, a Good Gaslighting Explanation! Dysfunctional Relationships & Human Magnet Syndrome
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- Опубліковано 7 гру 2017
- This is the 2nd of a five-part series introducing my latest book, "The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap." Not only was it completely rewritten, but it also contains over 100 pages of new content. This video represents a section of Chapter 11: Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.
In the video, I offer a clear and precise explanation for the phenomenon of gaslighting while identifying the perpetrators of it, the pathological narcissists, as well as the victims, the codependents/Self-Love Deficients).
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 21 million UA-cam video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 138K copies and are in 9 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
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My husband used to tell me, “Don’t talk, just please don’t talk. Nobody wants to hear anything you have to say,” before any social situation. Supposedly my personality was such an embarrassment to him that he could not handle the shame of being seen with me. We used to go to a yearly charity ball. He would leave me sitting alone for the duration and I would be completely silent. A local politician approached and spoke to me once and I still remember his kindness. I still feel like damaged goods and cannot seem to initiate new friendships. I was married 30 years.
ALWAYS REMEMBER ANGELS 🙏🌸:
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
Your abusers trauma does not justify them abusing you.
loveanpeace4eva Well Said!!! Too many of us fall for the sob stories, because our families of origin taught us to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own.
Amen!!! That was EXACTLY the reminder I needed right now, thank you!!! A year ago I finally realized that while his unfortunate & traumatic upbringing might explain some of his behavior, it is NOT an excuse for treating me the way he does. Whether intentional or not, I should NEVER have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s life and choices. The only reason that I always, eventually, allowed him back into my life after a successful escaping was that I couldn’t handle the insane amount of guilt I felt for “taking away his reason to live”, especially as we have a child together. Although it’s still challenging, I’m leaving this time for good as I now realize that I’m in no way responsible for HIS feelings.
Yeah they say if you didnt do___ I wouldn't have to get so upset. I'm sorry but I could rob a bank & that still wouldn't justify abuse. That's like saying "act the way I tell you to act & I might treat you with decency but if I don't get my way I get to hurt you & it'll be your fault". Oh it's my fault alright, for giving him permission to hurt me
If you're a victim, Please get out ASAP! It only gets WORSE!
Yes, all the way to death.
It's Impossible to get out..
@@HarryPotter-vg2xf I found it is not impossible, it only seemed that way until I went no contact. It's a decision followed by an action. Yes it is difficult, but in hindsight, not as hard as I thought it would be. Simple, but not easy...but it is quite possible.
@@tommybell1786 It is quite difficult for many reasons now: The coronavirus, most jobs will not hire new workers, financial abuse, moving doesn't happen so fast, it's not against the law so you can't call the police, a lot of people will tell those victims that their abuser loves them and there are others who are suffering far worse so they must be too sensitive, isolation, ect.
@@d.h.fremont3027 Death might be a possible exit.
After walking away from my share of Narcissists in my life
I don't care who says "I'm disappointed in you."
As long as I never say "I'm disappointed in myself."
My narcissist mother literally killed my sister at age 39 from doing this to her. She had no way of escaping this. The mind game was too strong for her to fight. This is serious stuff. She eventually overdosed. I had to finally go no contact at age 46.
I had suicidal thoughts many times before because of the abuse.....
I'm so sorry Nicole 😥😥
This is shocking. I'm so sorry for your suffering and loss, and for your sister's. I pray for healing and restoration. And that you are able to continue to bring awareness, truth and be an instrument of healing for others.
My sister tried to, multiple times. My narc parents then would say they wish she had succeeded in killing herself because they were sick of dealing with it. They were more worried about how her attempts were reflecting on their reputation than they were about her wellbeing.
Sorry. 😢
Observe, don't absorb.
Danny
Sounds familiar
Danny that technique is gold dealing with these types of people
Danny this idea of observe, don't absorb (watching the situation from a Birdseye preventive detaching yourself) saved my guts.
Oh yes, sg2011, that can & does happen. Already exhausted from being Mom all day, I was prime fodder for my ex's "marathoning" me after 9 p.m. or after our kid fell asleep. He just would, not, let, up about what I was "supposed" to be doing, what I "really" meant, and especially how unloving and un-Catholic I was for not wanting another kid. Given the way my ex behaved I did *not* want to bring another kid into the household: I already had two, and one of them was him!
kill emotions, discipline is key
They will cause me the anxiety and then blame me for having anxiety.
'They louse you up, and then they call you a louse' - 'The Big Knife' (1955)
Hell yes! Be prepared; when you get away, and you work on yourself and get better, they will try to push the buttons they installed! It’s excellent reinforcement of your therapy if you used it for your recovery plan, but you have to stay mindful and aware to catch it. These are lizard-brained primates we are dealing with, not humans.
Spot on. Spot on. That's exactly what they do. Cause the problem and look to provide a solution.
@@awg7068 yes after she cheated on me left me someone else and blaming me because she tried really hard to convence me that what i saw is not real lol and she sent me whatsapp msg that she dont wanna be with me i said okay because i wanted this relationship not anymore after two weeks postbreakup she snet me email and provoke me if i ever loved her that i should meet her last time because we should breakup like matures although she brokeup before two weeks like narcissist, she provokd to reply but i did notreplied and she waited me for like 30 minutes but i did not went there
Holly f$ck this guy just described my 6 year marriage. Im a ex soilder, and a strong man. I thought I was loosing my mind. It took me 5 years and 6 months, to figure out something wasnt right. I started to sit back and watch her, I started to record conversation secretly, I slowly started to see she was Gaslighting me. I didnt evan know what it was. She started to loose control of me when I started to confront her. I started to fight back, I started to believe in myself again. Im not perfect, i make mistakes, but I knew she was lying and manipulating me. It all came to ahead when I caught her out seducing her friends husband in our home.
He gave her away with his body language. She knew I would see it....she panicked.... and her masked slipped. My mind couldn’t comprehend how much I was being manipulated. Long story short I got discarded, because I knew to much. I had seen her. There was no going back., she knew she had to get rid of me. I broke free.
My heart broken, my mind getting back to normal. Its going to be long road, but i’m a fighter and a survivor. Most men would have topped themselves. Im proud im surviving the fall out and getting mentally stronger. Im lucky my sister and brother in law caught me when I fell. Im lucky I seen her her mask slip.
I have four hours of audio recorded... That in secret I listened to after the emotion of the argument.. This gave me the truth undiluted to what happened.. A chance to reflect and see through the lies and manipulation. They would deny saying things I blatantly heard over and over in the recordings saying I was crazy making and gas lighting the gas lighter.. It's been 7 years of hell. Physical abuse is hard to deal with... Mental and emotional.. So much worse.. Stay strong everyone. She has my home cats and I'm sleeping in a van to get peace. Its been 6 months now...
I know your message was 3 years ago but I wish to encourage you to keep going no matter what. Keep on believing YOU matter and your wants , dreams and needs are very wonderful parts of who you really are. Always keep a dream near, a passion you refuse to ever give up. I just felt a strong urge to reach out to you and thank you also for your bravery and courage writing it and walking away. My favorite quote is :
“Truthful conversations REDEEM people. People begin to heal THE moment they are heard”. I heard you in case you needed or wanted to know that you were heard, Sir. Please give yourself smiles and laughter today and will too. 🤗
@@kathafulio aww ❤️ Thank you.
You're quote is so profound with the last months mental health storm.
Im good. Best I've ever been but more and more characters are falling around me. I'm wiser and more sensitive than ever.
Seeing through lies and feeling if someone is left/right brain or heartfelt truth. Indeed this timing is a synchronicity. Much love and blessings. 🧡🙏🏻🧡
Hey there I’m praying 🙏 for you and please 🙏 keep the FAITH you are STRONGER than you think,I’m 78 years old and I’m about to make a move and I know that this will take my husband out (of his mind)my mind is on Jesus Christ and not him, I can walk pass him and not bat and eye 👁️, never ever look 👀 at him because he’s so EVIL 😈,and because I believe in Jesus I just don’t have time for foolishness,period.God bless you Amen 🙏
I have very similar recording of a argument, I used to have call recorder app on my phone, my nex accused me of saying something to social service during the first discard, I plaied the recording of the phone call between my nex and her sister. I don't know how it happened but I pressed record when I stopped playing recording and recored for around 6 hours, it had the argument at the bigging for about an hour or more followed us both sleeping, I later found the recording and sat and listen to it back, it's a very different experience than being in the argument, you get time to take it all in, go back to listen to a section as many times as you like, only then did I see how the conversation went, some part of the conversation you can listen to 100 times and still make no sense of, I say recored argument with out the knowing, then when you have time listen to it and suddenly you are working at listening at you pace, it also cme in handy after the second discard and going though family court in a fact fining hearing.
This is how some Employers behave toward employee's that they target the most and just completely try to damage the self esteem of others. This is beyond Evil.
I’m a victim of a narc boss-before I knew what narcs were. It was a horrible, completely disorienting experience. I left that place with PTSD.
I’ve been in recovery for over a year now from this. The things that I endured are beyond what any good person should ever have to.
@@freezo244 I’m sorry that you had that experience too. I worked in a place for 21 years where I was discriminated against, lied about, gaslighted and passed up for promotion over people that I had scored higher than. So many narcissists there. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Rampant in nursing. It's why I left, even with a professional degree.
I don't really know who to turn to anymore. Especially when I'm being isolated. My family is where the wounds start, so I have no idea where to go.
september luketz turn to Jesus....
I get it. Its not helpful for ppl to say well, just dont talk to your parents anymore. Problem solved. Gee, thx. I used AA, but dont do that! It perpetuates self-defecation (yea, i know what that means). Find ppl that you can confide in that will validate you and not undermine what you tell them. If you can find an emdr trauma therapist, that has been invaluable to me. If you can leave and get away permanently, i suggest that, too. I have been so incredibly debilitated by staying near my parents. Its been terrible. Now i wish i could turn back the clock but i cant. Its like my life has been on hold for 25 years. Take care. Sending you love
september luketz -very much like what I'm still figuring out,
I knows what you mean. My family’s abusive behavior became fodder and strength for my inlaws and husband’s abuse.
My husband recently said, ‘your parents do this to you, why shouldn’t I?’ So isolating. Stay strong. Once you have them strength to heal, you can get out and form healthy bonds!
Religious institutions are littered with narcissistic humans. Trust me, they are good ppl too but they are mostly low-key or inactive or clueless themselves. Narcs run the show. Oh boy the perfect place for wolves to be in sheeps 🐑 clothing, takes a eagle 🦅 vision to decipher
What a good explanation! It takes a lot of mental strength to overcome gaslighting. I learned to believe my gut, watch what they do not what they say.
Anne Hedelius yes, trust your gut. I read a book called The Gift of Fear. The entire book talks about how our intuition is there to protect us. We probably all saw subtle red flags early on, but we dismissed them. (I know I did.) The key to protecting ourselves is to listen to our gut, like you said.
that is a good way to put it. as a child of this I have said to others wondering how I am doing with all the lying and deceit I have people mean what they DO not what they say. .. just my experience and words are hollow
+Mary Elizabeth Rogers: Hard to trust your "gut" when you were raised by parents who drummed that "gut" out of you, called it foolish, and otherwise denied your uncomfortable feelings. They instead told you how you "should" and "shouldn't" feel. But they were doing their best in the sense that that's how *they* were raised. But *someone* has to break the cycle. So far I'm the only one doing it in my family of origin: Both my siblings & my parents think I'm nutty and a "problem" for not buying into their toxic, demeaning dynamics. I have cordial, but shallow, relationships with them all now, but no emotional closeness. I've had to get that elsewhere.
funch357 I understand what you're saying. I'm finally learning all of this in my 40's! But better late than never. We are all going to be able to break the cycle because we're educating ourselves. Good luck with your journey. I pray for all of us-for our success.
@Anne Hedelius What if you are in too deep & you can't trust yourself at all for that 'fear of failure' bc that's all you experience?
This is one of the most systematical, best reasearched most insightful and horribly accurate explanations of mechanisms of gaslighting I ever found! Just great! And memorable.... and horrifying...
If you have two drinks they’ll try to convince you that you were hideously drunk and are an alcoholic, even if all you had was two glasses of wine while watching a film and went to bed with no incident or argument occurring. If you regularly wake up a half hour AFTER they do they’ll make it out that you’re the laziest person who ever existed. If you have a hobby like playing a sport or you go the gym regularly they’ll say you’re totally obsessed with that hobby and put it before them even if you are only moderately committed to that hobby and only do it twice a week. They ALWAYS try to frame it as “helping you improve” yourself or helping you with your “problem”. They are disgustingly manipulative. If this happening to you, secretly record every interaction you have with them. Wear something under your clothes that records audio. You’ll see after one week how they twist things you’ve said and try to use everything against you. You’re not imagining it.
so true....i live w/one now but i have shut him down. he is depressed and never leaves the house and does not engage in conversation w/me cuz i will tell him to shut up or ask him...what's your problem?? He has no job or friends...I go out all the time and have lots of friends!!lol I think it started when I said no to sleeping in my bedroom....the next day i came home from work and found his shoes in my room..i promptly removed them!!lol The next time he asked i told him i was uncomfortable w/that and i need my space....he countered w/weekends only. I said NO!! he is miserable but i don't feel sorry for him....he acts like an ass and i told him i don't reward bad behavior or disrespect....
Victoria Louise, my ex narc had isolated me from my family. After about 3-4 years of not talking or seeing my family, he would accuse my family of interfering with our relationship.
I was shocked. How could they possibly be interfering when I have not seen them for 4 years?
I believe that this is when he started coming down on me harder.
While I was at work, my siblings would call our home. He told me he had a long talk with my sister. I just thought it was nice that he would speak to my family.Later, much later, it started to make sense that he must have been telling them lies about me with these phone calls. while I was at work.
I;m guessing this is where he convinced them that I was the one with the problem. I could have shot him him the head for this but, instead, I finally went no contact for good.Just like us, people would never even guess that the narc is a pathological liar. It wouldn't even cross their minds.It just doesn't come to mind that a person would be so evil.
In my case, he wouldn't go to work for long periods of time. I was under financial stress all the time, trying to make ends meet.
And, he does this to me. And, after it was over, he told anyone and everyone that I was abusive to him. He played the victim so well.He had no money, blah blah. Cause he didn't work. And, spent all my money.
Victoria Louise amazingly recording was what really “woke” me up. Great advice. You have great examples, too btw
You could drink a glass of water instead and they would still find something to be damaged about and or blame you for. You have to just laugh at them and be dismissive and ignore them.
I did that once.. boy she GOT PISSED!! lol! they HATE recording of events...
He is speaking of my mother’s voicemail last weekend.
She called 3 times. She was telling me about some local medical clinic she found out about that she thought was great. That she intends to go there and that I might want to check them out, as well.
This was a woman who, for at least the past 1-1/2 years, I had to plead with to take her diabetes medication and I had to give up on it as, she felt more comfortable taking pain killer only to treat her neuropathy. I finally had to tell her that it was her life and that the consequences were her issues. The only time she’d been happy to be at the hospital was when she felt people were sipping around, kissing her ass. She was there more for that, than any medical treatment. That was a clue.
But, on one of her voicemail messages, she went through a litany of worries she felt I had. Because I’ve been studying narcissism for over a year now, it was like spotting a plane flying by my bedroom window. It does wonders for the mind when you can identify and understand what the person is trying to do and when you understand what’s motivating them.
In addition to that, and very much according to what’s been said here, it is also why I don’t think my mother has dementia. If she has any, it’s very little. Because she doesn’t forget. She gaslights, lies, lies by omission, reinvents - and sticks to her lies long term, she’s not confused. She’s full of it and I’ve gotten wise to her BS. It takes some mental acrobatics to do what she does. It takes presence of mind and strong intent. Not some person who gets lost going to the supermarket, can’t remember names, etc. Plus, although it lives in the red, she owns a business. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I believe she’s punishing me by allowing my sister to inherit a home early, although my sister has barely been present over the years. The logistics work as, my mother still lives in the house I was to inherit. But she’s nearly destroyed the place and I know what she’s doing anyway. I only hear from her about every 3 months but, I never call her. Ever.
Thing is, she used to be a loving and engaged parent but, I speak from the former Golden Child perspective.
But people need to scrutinize when it comes to the aging narcissistic parent. There are many very nice, genuinely good elderly people out there. But, there are also deadly people, hiding behind wrinkles, who are determined you will beat them to the grave...
Honestly this is such a relief to hear. Now I understand why I kept going back and what was happening each time he told me I was insecure, had problems too attached to family and friends. I feel at peace now thank you.
Never let them see you bleed, always have an escape plan.
Almost six years out and I'm still recovering
Same- going on six years. I am still healing.
You are lucky. Imagine it’s your parent. It’s way worse to grow up in that environment
Hanna Hanna My dad and Brother are.... You can move pass interferences!
@@tatianahawaii13 True and it never leaves you , you can only develop coping mechanisms .
@@tatianahawaii13 imagine if it's your parents and then your child grows up to be narcissist too. I"ve had to go no contact with my whole family but I am recovering
Loved the term"implanted narrative".Its the most validating statement I have heard recently.
The wicked watcheth the righteous, and seeketh to slay him. Psalm 37:32
*watches
*seeks
There is no need to use outdated language.
@@shoulders-of-giants there is no need for you to tell him how and what to write either....
You said right 🥀
@S Robin Thank you for that. A good prayer.
@S Robin Well I had trouble in my locality with three embodied demons, one was even too powerful for the local believers until God sent revival. For 7 and half years one little boy who was so powerful no-one could control him, was torturing me and plagiarising my music, his mother and father plagiarised my written work, they were Satanists and I'm a Jew with an anointing, and they used my devotional books as objects of power, they used my anointing with their demonic activity, for 7 years, now they have been stopped in their tracks and I don't think they have a chance because God will not allow this abominable behaviour under his heaven. They went way too far and for a long time I suffered. Now, after this, someone bought the flats above and below me, filled them with satanists and told them to stay there until I was dead. They've tried to kill me many times with curses and spiritual wickedness but God has always protected me, hard though it was. The world is a lot crazier than I used to even begin to imagine! Stay well. Richard
This is great!! Educate therapists!! They insinuate that it's you..even when you've proved yourself time and again! Needs light shed on this big time! Thank you!
My ex narc told me one day.....I am getting worried about your memory...Oh really? You repeat things to me you have already told me...Soooooo....I began to tell him ......oh...you already told me that! and gave him his own dose of gaslighting and it shut him down after a couple weeks ..... I loved it! Very empowering when you figure out what the he'll is going on!
😂
This crazy ...you made me laugh
You are so awesome 😎
I realize now why everyone in my family don't hang out anymore were all in a gaslighting relationship with narcissist.
A Psychologist told me that my Mother and step father were "people of the lie" by recommending that book years ago. For some reason, I chose to ignore it. Thereby spending the next several years suffering at their hands and letting them watch my daughterly regularly. It is unfortunate that I allowed this because they spend that time bad mouthing me.They tried to gaslight me, without actually isolating me, but encouraging me to isolate. Finally, I broke away and have gone NO CONTACT. I wasted so many years let them psychologically abuse me and my daughter. I just couldn't regret it more. I might add that they can do NICE things and pretend to be caring, concerned and helpful. DO NOT BELIEVE IT.
Summer Solstis that is a very good book and I think everyone should read it. It makes you realize that evil in human form truly does exist. I think in many ways psychological abuse is the most confusing kind of abuse. I'm glad you got out though! It takes real courage to escape these demons. God bless.
Summer Solstis I've read that book it's really good. This stuff is so insidious.
while my mom may not be a narc but this is what seems to be happneing very abusive currently and really unbelievable in some respoect that i cannont believe that this is happening to me
It can be really difficult coming to terms with the idea that your parent is abusive or a narcissist. To see if your parent is a narcissist, in addition to identify emotional abuse, I would try and think back and remember if that person has ever made a genuine apology, to anyone, to their spouse, to you, etc. If not, they are definitely a narc. Some narcs do apologize in a move we call "hoovering" but it's not genuine and they will keep doing the bad behaviour as soon as they think they can get away with it.
No my Mother has never apologized to anyone for anything, as far as I know. Her tactic is to invite someone over then put on a nice facade so that they will let down their guard so that she can do her little digs, pit people against eachother and generally try to destroy self esteem.
Thank you for this. My mother gaslit me since I learned how to speak. At age 32, I started thinking and reasoning for myself and ended my relationship with her. It came at a great cost, but worth all my blood sweat and tears. Thank you for shedding light on this type of abuse and breaking it down for the average “Joe” to understand.
You did the right thing. Wish I would have had the courage. I took the abuse right up till the day she died. Took care of her year after year despite the constant abuse. It wasn't worth it.
I'm 32 also and finally seeing a therapist and breaking free from my mom. Stay strong.
I fell into reactive abuse… and still struggle with the few times that I acted out. My wife would record me during those times to “prove” to me that I was irrational. By the time I left, I was so hollow inside and knew if I tried to stay one more day… it would push me over the edge. I felt like my mind was breaking. I left w just my clothes and flew home to my family 3,000 miles away. Still struggling to feel normal again.
You made the right choice. Just don't fall back and have to be reminded again.
It took these UA-cam videos to learn that I wasn’t crazy! Thank you!! ❤️
I have read your book which is fantastic. The video also helped to give another dimension and I recognised more gaslighting that was done to me over more than 20 years of marriage. Codependents are watching and sharing your experience is helping tremendously !
Si glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching.
They love to control the finances too.
TBD my husband does this. I’ve been in poverty for years wanting my own money because he never lets me know what’s going on with MY OWN LIFE. For years. And every time I try and get a job or go to school something happens. I hate the way he makes me feel about myself. Like I’m an abrasive difficult person. He’s a saint . I’m so tired and my health is going. I have nowhere to go.
Yuuuuup. My ex did this. She hid a lot of money as well
Or they call you egocentric because you ask the money back that they borrowed from you and promised to pay it back. Never got it back ofcourse
@@kathymyers7279 I hear you as many of us here. You can prepare yourself mentaly and financialy to leave. You can ask the government shelters. Be safe and believe you can.
@@kathymyers7279 Same here honey! I started working a few years ago and I’m saving for a new start! He will have to help me financially! It’s been 31 years!
THIS IS WHAT PARENTAL ALIENATORS DO TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN - EVIL
My ex wife applied this on me and alienated my sons from me, to this day in suicidal
WOW you nailed it with these jerks. And for YEARS people cannot figure out what the hell is going on.
This should be taught in high school.
What an excellent term: self-love deficit disorder. That is the key right there; you need to have that treated before you ever try to have a relationship again.
Thank you Mr. Rosenberg for this video. I am the daughter of a narcissist father and codependent/helicopter mother. I have awoken to this issue. So much has changed in me. I have learned so much. My high anxiety mother has rubbed onto me in many ways. I am learning to release my anxieties finally! But, I am still a work in progress. Getting stronger by the day. Self love is the answer! I very much believe that. What a very empowering message. Thank you for you! 💕
This was so painful to hear. I have had 4 narcissists in my life, first my Mother, my ex husband, ex boyfriend. I knew they hurt me, but you so perfectly described their tactics that I think maybe it really was them and not me. I don't know what to do with this info yet, but thank you for laying it out so plain and simple so that I can't deny it anymore.
Oh dang. He was always saying I lost or broke the tools. Wow I didn’t even register it until now.
That explains why all my teen years i felt alone and I thought that my mother was the only one who was loving me.
I have been separated from my husband for 4 years. 2 of them I didn't know what was wrong. I could not talk to him. He instead of saying bad things to me, he kept silent. If you are not allowed a voice, eventually, you start second guessing and blaming yourself. I even brought up things I thought was wrong to try to fix it. When he gave me silence, I started believing it was my fault. It got to the point that I could not eat, sleep, had chest pains, anxiety issues etc. So, I left. It took 2 years of counseling to finally START seeing what was happening....it's crazy. My whole marriage was a lie. I thought I married one man but he was totally different. Once I almost went back after about 6 months. But, then I looked at all my packed belongings and thought "What am I doing? Nothing has changed and it won't be now" . So, I unpacked and didn't go. I now understand what is happening and am starting divorce processes. My life is happy. Freedom that I didn't know existed is now mine and I love my life! So, if you are in this problem, go seek help. It's out there. You can be happy and feel safe again!! Take care
Omg!! This is the best explanation of fighting I have ever heard!!! Thank you!!! Thank you, Ross!! This is exactly my experience to the every detail!! My ex tried to kill me and make it look like an accident so he could collect the life insurance money! It took a long time for anyone to believe me because he was so nice to everyone except me. This message of yours truly saves lives! I could simply not comprehend that anyone could live such a cruel lie!
Gaslighting, not fighting. My phone writes what it wants to sometimes.
It's important for anyone posting to this video's comments to know what you just wrote, Victorious Joy. Yes they will do all of the things that have been written in this comment section. This is why you need to get out fast, and secretly. Cover your tracks well. This is exactly how some narcs behave...nice to everyone except us. Butter wouldn't melt in their mouth. Your friends think he loves you so much because he gaslights them by making phony wonderful comments about you. They will even mention to you, Oh, he was so sweet and said such wonderful things about you. Boy...that was sure news to me. All lies because he never has anything good to say to your face. Later, the narc reverses things and smears us to whoever will listen...the neighbors (who often believe the lies), your best friends, co-workers, employers...anyone who knows you and you interact with. The narc just can't stop the chain of the ongoing drama. They thrive on the drama. Suddenly these people who have been lied to about you, they won't even look you in the eyes any more, because they believe the horrible lies. They avoid you. My ex tried to run over me with the boat when we were waterskiing....he was enraged because he 'perceived' I cut off his narcissistic supply earlier in the day. He stopped short of doing it...I think he had a little bit of a conscience. This is a good comment section because posters are covering a lot of ground. Believe it all.
@@Pecan215 He stopped for fear of going to jail.
Reese Daniel yup! He stopped for fear of consequence. It’s actually one of the few things that has kept most of these narcs from not abusing us more severely or killing us!
@@reesedaniel5835 that, and fear of having their image tarnished.
Im sitting here crying my eyes out over my dance with the devil. Thank you for this.
I want to add that your comment about self-love as the antidote is so valuable!! Especially in our culture of self-improvement, hustling, and heaps of advertisements, it feels familiar to get the message that you're not enough just as you are (and you may have got this message in childhood too)! In a relationship, you should never feel shamed and not good enough to the point where you feel unworthy, unloveable, and that you must race to catch up with someone else's standards. Learning about assertiveness also helped me get out and stay out of gaslighting relationships because assertiveness reminds us that it is our own basic right to be the judge of our own thoughts, actions, and behaviour. YOU are the final judge, not the one person who seems right now to be the be-all-and-end-all! Trust yourself--trust your feeling if you consistently feel bad while you're with this person and trust your own perception, gut, and inner voice!
Thanks for this. Made me feel better for a moment
Ross, You are a hero and I pray that your tribe increases greatly!!
Wow. I Lived this, Til there was nothing left of me. I was carried out of my home. Was married 21 years to him. I still have emotional scars, that I have to work on Daily, to say “ I am ENOUGH “. 20 years later. Thank you for this video. Best explanation. To people going through this, first sign you question your self worth....PLEASE RUN....
Dear Ross, I am grateful for your existence. Thank you for your kind support.
I am grateful for your support
From 12.00 to 12.30 Ross describes exactly what happened to me. I got out of that destructive relationship which had gone on for 22 years
.... it is hugely reassuring to see these matters brought out into the open. Thank you so much.
Where do I go both of my parents are narcs including my brother I lost several jobs, no friends, completely isolated broke.... Some ppl r really not lucky they have to live in the narc parents house for financial problems.... Blessed are those ppl atleast whose parents are not narcs....
Monali, I hope things have settled in your life by now. You are important.
@@purvamandlik4696 yeah dude
Get help. At the very least find a helpline. If possible try to contact old friends, move out asap, realize what happend, get help and confront it to you and maybe to them and then move on.
@@derschmiddie thanks
I have a narcistic mother, and have also dated 3 narcissists. I have learned to listen very carefully to their stories and look for clues of who they really are. Just listen to their stories of their past relationships, or family members and see if they add up. They never do! I used to be like "oh is that so, that's just terrible". Now I am like "How could that be possible? Doesn't make any sense to me". Once they realize that you are wise to their lies, they want nothing to do with you.
Most accurate description of this complicated situation.U know it's so strange until one face it himself one cannot believe that people actually do it somebody,esp parents to children
Good comment.
Take Care
Gods Speed. Blessings from R.I. 💜
Agreed
The worst part he turned my children against me, he truly crushed me and almost took my life covertly before I saw the light and barely escaped with my life. I wonder if I have ptsd I am just now learning what I actually went through
I dont think anyone can heal until they know the truth. I blamed myself for everything people treating me like crap at work for no apparent reasons, getting abused by people who were supposed to care did major damage to my self esteem and mental health. I believed I was nothing so my life became nothing just empty all around. I can't wait for justice just knowing a little has helped me alot
Be always blessed Dr Rosenberg. You were my hope and my strength, my hope of finding the light durung the last four horrible months of healung. I'm in my way thanks to you. All my gratitude and respect for you, from Romania. Dr Michaela Cirpa.
mihaela cirpa has he passed??
I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced the constant stream of "unprovable" things that happen in a narcissistic relationship. The things that your gut points out the narc is doing/saying, the things you find like a bottle of perfume that isn't yours, things that continually happen that you cannot prove and they smilingly point that out to you. So you have no choice but to overlook it and give them the benefit of the doubt. Meanwhile it feels like a knot in your gut. Almost like a game they're playing? It's something you and Meredith touched on in another video and I would love some clarity on this if there is any.
Yes. Get out.
Maryann Spicher
This is the worst when they push it just far enough to not get caught, but leave a trail of breadcrumbs for you to follow. The trail usually leads you into a shockingly disgusting perverted place. If you say anything, you will be called crazy and paranoid and they will say you are wrong. This is how they get you to gaslight yourself. My last narc led me to believe he is a pedophile, but I never got proof of that.
Maryann Spicher - yes. I have always had a very good GUT instinct and although I had mild insecurities with abandonment, I had professional counseling to ask for help because it was so bad I literally was two weeks from checking myself into a mental institution. I think of myself as a strong willed person and my world changed. After it was pretty insane and I found proof of someone new- it was denied-, I went to the counselor and she asked me what was I going to do and I said well I’m going to drive by his house to see if he has company. When asked why ? I said because I feel fucking sick to my stomach and I have to see if my gut is right after I’ve been told lies. Then she asked what will you do if you see a car? I said, I’ll go home and feel relief because I WAS right. It took three years of no contact for me to date- go places alone or with anyone else so that place wasn’t tainted. I also try not to label but that mindset set me back years with healing rather than burning all the pain. Self doubt is a disgusting way to feel and there is a reason you feel that way. You are loved as you are . Being around people who are calm, reassure you without you having to “ teach” people how you feel loved is not a game, and will heal you. Emotional abuse is not the end and IS possible to move forward without questioning or bringing baggage into your new life. There is nothing wrong with you.
Maryann Spicher Trust your gut. If they have you isolated when they do these things, if you don’t experience these gut warnings with others you trust, listen to your gut. Dominance games can be subtle and gaslighting depends upon plausible deniability. If you see a clear track record of questionable treatment it’s time to call those red flags and break off the relationship. Be aware if they have some psychological edge over you they will try to keep you under their control. Deny them access to your power. You determine your course of action, if they attempt to interfere in your new direction take note of how they do it and continue on your way. It will come with a cost but you will gain for yourself self-respect, new found self-worth that was yours all along and an intact dignity. God bless and all the best with your future course of action.
Omg this happened to me before! I found a woman’s shirt in our apartment that was NOT mine. The Narc got defensive and tried to tell me it was my shirt. Woah this is crazy, I just remembered that, complete gaslighting.
One the best, if not the best I’ve heard. Thank you!!!!
Dear Mr. Rosenberg: I was immensely helped by your videos several years ago and continue to review your material regarding pathological narcissistic behaviors as a reminder that it truly is them and not me that is crazy and/or disturbed. Thank you so much for making this much needed information available. It is very serious and your calm and kind presentation, along with your in depth knowledge about the situation makes you very very special. Thank you again. Sincerely.
This is BY FAR the #1 best video explaining the internal torture that takes place from being gaslighted on a regular basis, and how it looks in the real world, without specifics making impossible to share with others not familiar with the term (since they wouldn't be able to relate).
It is a thorough, well-explained summary by a credible expert with many years' experience in the field of psychology, with a speciality in codependent/narcissist dynamics.
I cannot thank you enough for this.
I'm a truth-teller (as most gaslighted, scapegoated adult children are) so my form of "self-therapy" unfortunately has evolved into an obsession with research, confirming I am not the only one who is going through this, near-ready to lose my MIND.
Every time this happens with my family (ie. narc mom & that side, not my own kids although my adult daughter is falling under the spell, as she knows where the money comes from) after losing my shit & crying for 1+ hour in the fetal position, I go online & research, sometimes for 1/2 a day, narcissist mother/family dynamics.
I justify as "looking for info that might help them to understand how it feels/has felt all my life, to be bullied, labeled, lied about, told "I'm crazy" for expressing repressed emotions (a requirement to be part of my family).
However, seems like the "best of best" articles, videos etc are too specific.
If they WERE to read/watch something I shared & references didn't "sound like me/them/us" they'd lose interest & poo-poo as me being difficult.
However THIS video ... is PERFECT.
Far and away, you are THE BEST creator on the subject of narcissists/victim dynamics on UA-cam.
Not only do you really know your sh*t, you have a way of breaking it down in bite-sized pieces in a way that gets right to the heart of it, without ommiting the important details.
So very grateful for people like you.
While aware doing so also supports your practice/you professionally, your courage & generous investment of time creating content for those who are hurting, and with little/no access to resources, is so GREATLY APPRECIATED ... not sure where I'd be right now without an "an online self therapy" option.
I'm sure I'm just one of many, but wanted to let you know the difference you have made in my life.
A HUGE difference.
With much gratitude, THANK YOU for making the world a better place for broken people. :-)
"To turn themselves against themselves"
Wow! That is one of the clearest, simplest, and most all encompassing description of gaslighting that I, personally, can identify with.
Thank you Ross!
( I just realized you're the guy who did a podcast with Teal Swan about narcissism, very enlightening. )
What saved me was my solid support system of loving friends who countered all the gaslighting with affirmation and validation! Bless them! My angels, who never even knew they were saving my sanity and my life!!! Thank you Ross! Finally I fully understand this vicious strategy!
Omg Ross thank you for your gifts, experience & sharing with us. I am on my way out of my gaslight hell. Knots in the stomach but no turning back. Huge gratitude for all that you share. It’s gold for us in this side of the tracks!!!!!
I love you for this. Words cannot express the awe I am in and gratitude I feel right now.
Wow. This is exactly what I have experienced. I am very appreciate for this video which told me "true" which I was seeking for 6 years.
Thank you. Thank you for putting this out there. I’ve been through the gaslighting and it’s unlike anything else in the world. I wish I afford your one on one help.
You are my hero! Every time I feel weak I listen to your videos. Thank you for turning on the light! Your book has been ordered and can't wait to read it while I move on with my life. Again thank you Ross! :)
Oh my gosh this is 100% spot on and correct! I have been looking for this type of explanation everywhere since being gaslit myself. Thank you for sharing this information.
Thank you Ross x. Almost 30 years married he was disappearing 'again' on his refusal to explain where he had been going 50% of time away from home for past few months end 2017 into 2018 I put some of behaviours into dr google and voila! Narcissism screamed out at me.....I said I was leaving as he was away again, he flew back home and I asked him if he was a narcissist? He responded Maybe I am a narcissist. Then he left. He timed his twisted Discard b4 my multiple pelvic reconstruction surgery. Typical. Then sent me a letter morning my surgery...saying he wanted Divorce, property settlement, never wanted to see me again, our marriage and relationship was s@%t....horrible! I have recognised now that he gaslighted me in last few months, like you say in this video, before he started his 'awol' activities. Even started telling grown kids i was having memory loss problems, kids were starting to believe! I do not. Now so many things i can see he subjected me too. I woke one night to see him leaning over me with clenched fist aimed at my face. I had a sore cheek bone next morning. When i yelled What the eff are u doing?! He responded I was having a nightmare....then he lowered his fist. OMG. I am in the beginning stages of my healing journey and it is a day by day thing. I have no friends and was kept away from his family. They will not speak to me. Goodness knows what he has told them about me over the years. Yes, he forced me to move into the country, regional areas after 3 years of marriage. It is like a nightmare that I wake to every morning. But it is the truth. This I am grateful for. I believe I am loveable, beautiful, strong, have a fantastuc future ahead of me, will come out of this quagmire shining like a star and I am Blessed. Thank you for your wonderful videos xox
Thank you very much. I just had a light bulb moment regarding my childhood whilst listerning to you
wow! This is amazing you are describing the exact circumstances I am facing thank you so much Ross Rosenberg 👍😊
Bless you for all that you do, This video is so powerful! Thank you so much for your time!
Exactly! Bingo! Thank you... finally some validation of what I went through. Thank god I escaped that horrible reality I was living in. I honestly didn't think I wud make it out alive.
I have watched this video a few times still trying to wrap my head around the gaslighting process & it’s effects. I still can’t get over how duped I was! I know about physical abuse & sexual abuse due to experience, but this is an entirely different experience that I had zero knowledge of prior to my experience. I’m only 3 yrs into learning about narc abuse & still battle residual effects from the damage left behind. The whole experience has changed me & how I now view myself, others, & life. I am benefiting from these videos & greatly appreciate the insight from Dr. Ross as a psychologist & a victim. I hope it touches many others the same way! Thank you, Dr. Ross!
My healing journey is on going with giant leaps at times to baby steps most of the time. It’s been the most difficult healing experience ever! I have cah(chronic active hepatitis) type C since age 2 & recovery from it is easier than this! Ugh!
Thank you for your videos, they have really helped me. I've been healing for 4 months and feel great! THANK YOU ROSS ROSENBERG!!! : )
I have never seen anyone tackle the implanted anxiety narrative. It's a way to force the victim into a sense of learned helplessness. This video and this channel is extremely important
It's hard to even hear this... I broke free from the person but now I'm healing!
This is my soon to be ex husband.
By the time I left, I was a total wreck. Still have foggy brain, paranoid and scared. Mine would hide my things. I am very organized, and started questioning my own sanity.
I have never been so scared in my life because of his mood swings and rages. I suspect he is a drug user also.
Christine Miller I hope you were able to get out of your toxic marriage!
This is the best explanation of gaslighting. I absolutely went through this. 11 years of my life spent with a gaslighting abusive cheating N. I am 3 years free of that person but still healing. He of course was immediately in another relationship and is now married with a baby. I pray she stumbles upon this video.
Your the bomb Ross thank you so much for sharing and giving of your time, it means so much to have support for healing.
So cruel. Overwhelmed since 1998. This video makes me so sad. People that pretend to help just to get what they want. May our recovery be swift.. may the pain lessen quickly.. bless us all.
this is the exact description of my brother and what I suffered from him! "An angel" apparently ...
Thank you a lot doctor, for helping us to better understand this terrible kind of abuse.
Well done, you illuminated a confusing situation clearly. Thank you!!!
This is so true. It happened to me exactly as Ross explains. Thank you for sharing with us.
I can tell you personally that you are 100% correct.
Wow.
This PERFECTLY describes what happens within the relationship
Best explanation ever!! LOOKING FORWARD FOR MORE, THE WORLD NEEDS THIS INFORMATION!!!
Thank you so much for posting this !! You have described everything I have been going through down to the core. I cannot believe what everything I endured and how much I doubted my reality.
Love the shirt and cozy ambience. Congrats on the revision! Looking forward to reading it. Raised by Mormon narcissists gas lighting is the prevailing characteristic of childhood and pseudo selfhood. This is the hardest to see clearly esp. Regarding a sainted Mormon mother. Very hard to face but the only freedom and possibility for self deliverance and happiness.
Thank you so much - your work is really important and has made a huge difference in my life -
You’re THE BEST there is on this subject! Particularly from your perspective as a Therapist AND as a Victim who’s gone through it!
Thank you so much! I struggled with this since I’m 4 and never had the words to explain it. Thank you so much Dr!
I have been running away from psychologically sick controlling bullies because I had no resources...and I did and do love myself there is just so much u can do without the right resources.
Gloria SAME. It’s an everyday battle. They are EVERYWHERE.
That was a very clear and thorough explanation- very scary. An excellent resource for all ages to understand and relate to. Thank you
Ross Rosenberg, you have broken my chains of bondage that have had me enslaved for years! I knew something was going on and now I know exactly what it was. Thank you for shedding light on this elusive topic and sharing your vast knowledge. You are my hero!
Thank you so much for your content. My father has aspergers and has typical narcissistic tendencies. My sister took her pain out on me by bullying me, and my mother reverse gaslit me by always saying "You can't get mad at them. It's just the way they are." Now, as an adult, I disassociate from my emotions and am known as the family stoic. Your video on reverse gaslighting has already helped me so much. Any new information you put out would mean the world. Thank you!
I had anxiety and my ex wanted to go to the bar all the time and when I would go out with her she would make fun of my clothes or what I was doing. I put my trust in the wrong person.
I can relate to that whole heartedly.
relatable, these people are insidious
Someone didn't like my clothes. In the end i got everyone around the person to admit they liked my clothes. Does this count as a gas lighting war? They tried to drill into me that my clothes are not good? But in the end they start to doubt if they are alone in this thought? Criss cross!!
Hope your healing..
Bless you with peace.
Thank you for this! It was more than two years ago now that a friend came in the gym and told me to look up gaslighting. I will didn't do it until about six weeks later she messaged me a link saying this was what she was talking about. As soon as I read the article, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was what I'd been dealing with for 11 years! From that point forward, I read everything I could get my hands on and read some bullet points daily before I'd arrive home so I would be able to be strong when confronted with his attempts to continue to gaslight me. It didn't take long for him to realize I knew exactly who he was. I didn't have to tell him I knew...he knew! He played it out over about three more months to make a show of suddenly becoming the person who was victimized and trying to fix our marriage by getting counseling (18 weeks of counseling magically compressed into a three-day fix for your marriage weekend), and he suddenly had a religious aspect to his life, etc. It was a disgusting show, and I've never been more thankful as he told me I should move out. I simply said okay as I breathed a sigh of relief! I have since been through counseling, and I've found amazing resources here with "From Surviving to Thriving" and most recently discovered your channel and the "Growth from Abuse" channel. Tony Robbins has also been incredibly helpful, and so has the book, "The Sociopath Next Door." Thank you for taking the time to provide this to all of us who are damaged by these people! I only thought I'd gotten past my co-dependency many years prior to meeting this now ex of mine. Oh my, was I wrong! I don't think I'll live a week of my life now without reading or listening to something to continually remind myself of where I came from and where I desire now to be! This was a fantastic explanation, and I appreciate you!!!
Thank you so much Mr. Rosenberg. I understand more about your explanations of gaslighting. Especially about isolation from even my old friends that I knew before my Narc that now don't talk to me anymore.
This is the perfect description of the gaslighting process & it’s effects on the victim.
You did an excellent job, Dr. Ross!
I’m a survivor of covert narc abuse-long term,(27 yrs)
Thank you for this!
It's so tough becoming self-aware and seeing so much of my family suffer, I feel bad for the narc too but far worse for my fellow victims dealing with trauma, codependence, and insecurity. The wake up call was so easy for me in some ways it was like a holy shit title wave of puzzle pieces all colliding and meshing together to explain my life to the point of undeniability yet they are still refusing to see or believe many of them far more immersed in the abuse than I ever was, therefore, more psychologically scarred and harder to wake up from the disassociation. I hope sharing this helps save at least one of them.
YOU ARE AMAZING!!! GOD BLESS YOU 👑👑👑
True!!!!! You are so right. I feel so liberated when I hear you describe what I am going through.
Thank you for your kindness and compassion to help others.
I *loathe* an often bandied about quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's just plain incorrect for many people, *especially* those who have been gaslighted. Worse, the quote implies the *target* is to blame for abusive behavior. Maybe *Mrs. Roosevelt* could switch it on and off like a light because she had a good, caring upbringing and the *huge* advantage of being first lady. But most women (and men) don't get that. That quote is such a toxic message to victims of gaslighting and other psychological games. Don't buy into ideas like Eleanor's if you've been psychologically and emotionally manipulated with gaslighting.
funch357 -- Another perspective is that her quote is "empowering" because it implies that the victim still has control. The "victim" may have been beaten down so hard that it is very difficult for them to get up; but with support, they still have the ability to do it and ultimately, have control over it. If an abuser abuses you without your consent, it implies that you do not have control and that they are in control of you. This indicates "no hope" for the victim.
@@ayema5449 Disrespecting/elimination of 'victim consciousness' is in favor of the predator.
@@elron117 There seems to be a fine line, here. Victim consciousness leads to being a predator. People who consistently feel like victims become predators to take their power back and also attract predators to them. However, if we blame the victim for the treatment they are receiving, then it is supporting the predator. Like everyone, predators are responsible for their own behavior.
@@elron117 WELL SAID.
@funch357 Hear hear!
Spot on thank you that was awesome.
Thank you for this video and for doing what you do. I am grateful to have found your channel and have been watching more and more of your content. I am convinced I was being gaslighted and manipulated on a very deep and abusive level for six months. I finally broke free of this person this week (I think he's gone now, for real) and am left beyond broken, afraid, alone, withdrawn, paranoid, and anxious. Your video brought me clarity and instant validation for the things I know I have been going through but that nobody around me truly believes or understands. The severity and magnitude of what this person was doing to me has only been "acknowledged" or verified by videos like this and others. I am planning on reaching out for professional help and this video is giving me the courage to do so. It made me realize I deserve the help, and that this is infact very serious and I should not feel ashamed or ridiculous about expressing what's gone on. That is what the gaslighter would want - for me to just accept everything I know he did as me being crazy, to the point that even if I did get help, I would end up settling on the idea that it was just me and MY paranoia manifesting all of these delusions, falsities, and accusations towards him...not what he did to get me to this point etc.
So, thank you again for giving me relief and giving me a space where I finally hear the truth echoing back at me. It's like a ray of light in a very dark time. I was watching this and literally getting the chills over my entire body and exclaiming out loud because it aligned almost 100% to what I have just gone through. It's actually pretty horrifying that people have it within themselves to do this to another person.
Please keep informing the world with your knowledge, and know that YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE in my life in just one night of youtube surfing. You've helped this guy right here feel not so alone and crazy. Bless you Sir.
Sincerely,
Nicholas R.
Priceless, lifesaving set of insights and advices. This really helps to decode my relationships with a number of people I had met in my life. This should be included into school curriculum .... Seriously!