THIS is how you heal the mother wound
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
- My previous video on the Mother Wound: • THESE are the signs yo...
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Key Points
00:00 - How to heal the mother wound
00:21 - Vent it out
01:24 - Get to know your own needs
02:40 - Ask for support
03:55 - Process your anger & grieve
04:59 - Become your own best mother
Literally asked out loud for the universe to help me be more kind, patient, and full of love. Then I open UA-cam and this is the first video I see. I love you. I love the universe.
Sending you love ❤
Same thing happen to me…opened up UA-cam and this was the video that popped up. I had just had a crying session. My narc mom has been dead for 4 years. Was crying and wishing I had a mentor. Someone to talk to. It may be hard to believe that some people just don’t have ANYONE they can pour their heart out to. And it is a very lonely feeling. This was a great video. ❤
@@user-tj2yx2bf3wsame!! Having a conversation with my sister about our mother and I thought, I wonder what doc has to say about this, that I can share w my sister and boom! 💗
G-O-D loves you
Well...we are literally the universe experiencing itself!!!!! Glad to be experiencing it with you...
Having a mother who lashes out at you whenever she feels any uncomfortable emotion can result in a child who's full of fear and pain. We never know when the next outburst will come. It's no way for anyone to live, let alone a child. I try to do a self check-in at least once a day. But I need to do it more often.
If my daughter lashed out I would try to brush it of like the children are stressing her out or she tired she would shout and swear and it was like being with her dad again, but she shouted at me so I shouted back after she swore at her daughter I couldn't do it no more feed up of being a door mat.❤
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The ‘getting to know your own needs’ one is so big for me. I’ve never heard it vocalized before getting into this space. I mean, it’s the basic foundation of a fulfilling life, yet I was programmed to always ignore what I want and through hyper vigilance, try to predict what others needed and plug that hole instead. Thank you for this . I appreciate you.
Big time.... Never thought of my needs and I feel selfish to even think of my needs..
I SO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WROTE about being Programmed to Not have any idea of my needs or I was called selfish. Everything was about me making sure my Mothers needs were met just so I can be accepted. Without ever being held, or even touched by her.
I am 67 years old and just realizing these things now.
I LOVE your wisdom, authenticity and YOU are truly an AMAZING TEACHER ❤
Thank you for this Nicole. The guilt that comes with trying to deal with the mother wound is immense. It’s quite a scary space to step into because it feels like a betrayal to her, and her memory. But the trauma from her actions, her words remains so persistent in spite of all manner of therapies. Her voice, her words, aggression still very debilitating and frankly paralysing - more than 50 years later. It’s frankly a difficult wound to tend to and heal. The tools you’ve shared are worth trying, I have nothing to lose. It’s certainly been quite a journey for me….
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Good luck & remember it was just a reflection of her own issues, not your worth as a child🫂❤️🩹.
Your comment really resonated with me. I was over 50 when I had to go no contact with my narcissistic mother. She kept abusing, neglecting, and abandoning me and I was letting her without even realizing it. I wanted her love and acceptance so badly and she played on that. I feel the same way you do except I don’t feel like I’m betraying her at all. She betrayed me so much and still is from what I have heard. The suggestions in this video are definitely worth trying. I have nothing to lose either. I get it. Good luck on your recovery journey. ❤
This woman is priceless and doing hero work out here. To suggest getting into the anger, venting, feeling it out instead of the old puritanical “forgiveness” double-bind. This is sooo refreshing, so forward thinking, so truly useful and so definitely healing. Such a balm and a beautiful thing to see.
I had to unfreeze from my dissociated state for me to finally feel the betrayals and heart break of the mother wound. There's a lot of sadness and anger surfacing many years later. I'm letting it process, it's going to take a moment until I get to "acceptance" stage.
These are great tips. I worked through these steps over the years. However, even as a 64 year old, I am still seeing the damage my upbringing caused me and still causes me today. I go through phases where I struggle with feeling unseen, unheard, and lonely like I was as a child. I get mad at her for brief moments.
Most of my needs seem so small I don’t understand why my mom couldn’t/can’t do such small things like hug, listen, or say the words “how are you”
I know, I know…
My mom too is just like what you described.
Narcissistic mothers are the worst! No love just self centredness. It’s all about their needs not yours. I’ve learned to forgive and move on! It almost gets harder as you get older though. I agree with others here that the mother wound impacts your life and ways in soo many aspects that take time to recover from! Slow but steady y’all. Be kind and gentle to yourself 🤞🏻🌹🎖️
Raising my own daughter now and seeing how easy and natural it is to hug and hold and kiss her and tell her I love her makes me feel so confused for why it was so hard for my mother to do that for me.
Thanks Nicole for another amazingly insightful and therapeutic video! 🙏 💖
My mother passed away 15 years ago, and it's only been in the last 2 years that I've finally started addressing some of these issues and healing.
Her catchphrase was always "Oh, that's right, everyone always blames the Mother!" and then she'd give me the silent treatment, whenever ANY issues, conflicts, or difficulties arose.
That sounds like a lot of gaslighting on her part!
That was one of my mother's go to phrases also. Thank you for sharing.
Clicked on this not knowing i needed it. My mom is a meth addict. She had times of sobriety however she stated using again when my 1st child was born..i didnt even know how to a mother and needed her so much. Thank you for this ❤
I can't seem to get past the anger part. I want to let go of the anger as I have accepted how she is and that she will never change. I have distanced myself and have made peace on a rational basis, so I don't want to feel the anger anymore. This seems the most difficult one for me.
Have a chat with yourself as if you were talking to a younger you. Give advice to you, or a dear good pal. Being in anger is using your personal energy and very very hard and stressful and parshly unnecessary. Do some breathing techniques when you get triggered. We can only 'control' ourselves. Take care of you.
I found guided meditation (Yoga Nidra) useful. I'm in freeze response after being in fight and flight response. Somatic exercises and the polivagal theory by Porges made sense to me too.
same
In the exact same state now. 🙋🏾♀️ my therapist is suggesting boxing or physical activities that allow the anger to be released otherwise it’ll stay dormant😩
Look up EFT tapping for releasing emotions they have several on UA-cam it has helped me.
Crazy this video came on a day we had yet another explosive argument. I want out of this cycle.
I have this stupid dream that my mother will wake tf up and realize what she does is damaging. Trying to let that dream die
I have dreams where I am screaming at my mother. Tons of repressed anger towards her.
😢 Let the anger come out, in a safe way and alone with privacy
I get you. I have that same dream. I need a mother, she’s alive, why doesn’t she work on her mental health and learn how to deal with her negative emotions in a healthy way? Why doesn’t she change and stop hurting me? Why doesn’t she hold herself accountable? It’s the worst feeling, it leaves me frustrated, angry and profoundly sad and empty. I guess she doesn’t change because she doesn’t need it, she is not the one suffering from this situation. To her view, I suppose, she’s such a strong woman and good mother 😑
@@la6136I do too. I sometimes wake up screaming because I am fighting with her while sleeping
It’s a mental fight, sometimes I have some resentment, because I block on the she don’t care about me to change and do better. I truly need to make peace with it.
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I have to find a recording of John Lennon’s ‘Mother!’ ‘ you had me-but I didn’t have you’ to scream along to
My mom is best it's just that when I needed her she was surviving herself.
Ive realized that my mom really just passed on to me all she knew based on what she grew up with.
Not making excuses for her.
Now that we are both older i do understabd her more.
She was a victim and acted out.Ive been grieving her even though she is still her.
She did not have a mom.
Many times its like i was her mom.I do need alot of healing and so does she❤
My mother had no parents to speak of, they both died by the time she was five. Then she was passed around to relatives. She also grew up in the Depression.
I understand my mother had no experience having parents and so she did “the best she could”. Her best was pretty neglectful, unkind, unloving. I’m 64 and still struggling over this.
So while we understand why they are like they are, there is still the damage they created.
We still have to work through it.
Point 2 it's so mysterious, almost magical for many of us. Even with so simple needs like want to eat or drink sth ,- or .. not and it's just a strategy for soothing sth for a while..
I have been no contact with my parents for one year this month. it has been more healing than I could have imagined. I hope for peace and kindness in your futures everyone.
I’ve had the mother wound all of my life and it’s something I work on every day I do this by practicing all 5 steps thank you 🙏 Nicole
Venting it out is one thing. Explaining the generational trauma to my grandparents, who never did me anything wrong, that would be next level. They are the only members of my family that I would break the no contact settlement for. And I'm sure it would be a missing piece of their puzzle too. Despite no contact, it's a special kind of pain when you find out that a familymember, who never did you anything wrong, has died, and you're never abled to talk to them ever again. My mother left the country years ago. So actually that makes things possible...
You’re a legend. Your knowledge and way of communicating is exceptional. This snapshot insight is most likely going to help hundreds of thousands of people. Thank you 🙏
My god this video came exactly when I needed it
I feel so conflicted. There is a sense of relief in knowing that this is what my issue has been and that I can take steps to heal it. There is also a sense of guilt and ungratefulness because I know my mother was acting from her own mother wound. She couldn't give me what she didn't have. In addition there is great sadness in knowing that I have passed this wound on to my children 😢
I've thought alot about my mother recently & I can honestly say she was a good mother. She cared & shared & gave the 4 of us siblings as much time as she could, especially when we were young & taught us great values. I am becoming my own best mother now as an older woman but advice like yours is extremely helpful for us all. Thankyou for being here ❤
This is a great video! Can you do a video on how to heal the father wound as well?
Dear nichole could you please make a video about father wound healing?
I'll reflect on my situation. I've done 1), 2), 4) and 5) for a few years now. I'm really proud of myself for handling all the trauma so well at such a young age (I started healing at 16 years old). Now the only thing that's left is building a support system. Ahh, this is such a pain. I want to befriend good people that will listen to me and understand me and with whom I can make plans to make the world a better place. However, there are no such people around me. Everyone is either abusive or traumatized and doesn't want to change. On top of that, I have physical problems which make me constantly exhausted. I have so little energy, I'm so lonely and so anxious that the only things I'm able to do is to exercise a little, to study a little and to take a shower once a week. So, I have no idea how to solve these physical problems, how to study for a job that wouldn't be overwhelming and how to make friends.
exactly how I´m feeling. We´ll get better
@malou4600 A few years of suicidal ideation taught me that I'm stronger than I think. And this applies to everyone. If we take our lifes into our own hands, we can achieve things that we thought were impossible. If I have to be completely honest, I still believe the world we live in, our society, is horrible, but my goal in life is to make it as better as possible.
I don't feel I am betraying my mother by acknowledging in what profound way she betrayed me
Thank you so much ❤ i’ve gone through these steps over the past 7yrs+ which have helped immensely in my recovery with my mother wound. Still a work in progress but I’ve moved mountains within my soul since the dark days of my twenties. And now in my thirties i can honestly say i am so proud of myself and love the woman i’ve become and becoming..
Remothering is so important.
Thank you. Finally, a structure that will help me move forward. I've made some progress in recent years, but it is so layered. I thought I understood how much I was wounded, but then another light bulb moment shows me something else I'd not realised, and so there's another level and another level to process, and on it goes...
Your outline gives me structure (and hope!) to process the damage done, especially the final step - tbh it had never crossed my mind that I could become any kind of a mother to myself!
Thank you! 🙏
I will add that forgiveness for specifically what Mom did or didn't do, how it made you feel and what it led to, is critical to healing. Allow Jesus to come in and heal you. Freedom in Christ by Neal Anderson was a gamechanger for me.
The Philadelphia accent is comforting since my mom is from northeast Philly. 🥰 Thank you Dr. Nicole! ❤ These videos are helpful. I cried through them.
Just being able to make sense of what happened instead of repressing and dissociating from what did is extremely cathartic. My mom had profound deficiencies as a mother and I've experienced profound pain from them. But, blame does nothing to relieve that pain, she won't even acknowledge her own - much less mine. Checking out on feeling pain is a slippery slope to checking out on all feelings. People that make you feel that bad all the time, you've gotta get away from them - emotionally, and physically.
Yep even if they don't intentionally do it, it's their own adaptation. We can't change/help them, sadly. Inner peace matters more
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you so much!! 🙏❤️✨💫
Thank you so much. I needed it
thank u for sharing this information
This is some good information!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you so much for this video🙏Very needed!
Thank you. Such important information.🧿
Thank you. This was very helpful.
Thank you for the video.
Wow. Your channel is literally saving me.
This is a great plan! I have done similar things over time and can attest that these work. It is still hard to stop the toxic productivity. I can prevent breakdowns with check-ins but still struggle to truly take time any length of time for myself.
Brilliant and ever so helpful 🙏❤️
amazing, really soothing the soul
This is great
Thank you
Definite tools!!
Thank you for your help ❤
I am one of thise mothers who did it all wrong and am so sorry! It is so painful to realise I passed the wound on despite my resolutions to do a better job than my mother.... Its frustrating and very sad to know I did not succeed. I am so glad that todays victims are helped by these explanations, and wish that one day the mother will be understood and helped too because every mother wants the best for her kids! No mother wants to be a monster and fail...
You are amazing, thank you so much for all the work you do! This helps so much!
This was huge. Great information as always Dr. Lepera. God bless you & your work! Thank you!
Thank you for this- a compassionate strategy. This was much needed💙
Thank you so much.
Happy Mother's Day Nicole and thank you
💚💐💚💐💚💐💚💐💚💐💚💐💚💐💚
Thank you for taking the time to share this and reiterate this. I've been doing this work for a few years now, but the reminder about rest and self-love is so amazing.
such difficult ‘homework’ for me, especially since secrecy, ‘loyality’ holding up the ‘family image’ shame, being a traitor was all part of the obligation in having my mother.
Thank you so much for all your work and wanting to help us ☀️🌼🌸 you and your team are ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Thank you so much Nicole for sharing the best healing tips with us, merci! Sending you love from France ❤
Thank you!
Great advise!!! Thanks
So, what to do, when there's just... Nothing.
She took my anger (along with other ppl). So, I can't even feel that.
I'm just.. stuck.
Pure Genius 💕
You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for your service to humanity 🙏🏼💯🙏🏼❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥 I AM forever grateful 🎉
Love this. I have been slowly doing this and feel so much stronger and healthier. I still have challenging dynamics with my mother, but all these things help for sure. Thank you 🙏 ❤😊
Thank you for this
So important, thank you. What helps me reparenting my wounded parts is IFS internal family system from DM Richard Schwarz: his book NO BAD PARTS is really a game changer.
Thank you 🥹💔
This is wonderful!!! ❤ will you do the Father wound as well please?? Much needed!!!!
Thank you 🙏
I have been practicing becoming my own best mother. I am using a workbook to discover how to do this. I'm going to start the first step of journaling what I needed but didn't get. Thank you for your work! 🙏
I found you in my youtube short feed. Love your short clips I honestly can't tell if its just you or you and someone who looks similar in the clips?
Thank you❤.
Thank you... for you knowledge and compassion ❤
To the Mothers out there... your mind will automatically understand and digest this information as " your inner child" and you as a "mother"...
Try to quiet the voice of guilt as a parent ( upon first review).
Begin to Heal YOU First. Process this from within you... then start sharing and becoming it externally.
You are not alone.
My first thought when healing my mother wound is to try to do better for my kids, skipping over reparenting myself thus triggering feelings of abandonment all over again 😞
Thank you for this.
It's so common in our culture to feel guilty for allowing ourselves to feel anger/resentment towards our parents. But it's a necessary part of healing.
So often people put their parents on a pedestal. Not allowing themselves to realise that they're not perfect.
It's so important to validate our feelings. To recognise our needs and our traumas. That's because often we go through childhood and say to ourselves: oh, it wasn't that bad. But is that true ?
Only we can answer this question...
Thanks so much ❤
She is a resentful spiteful, controlling, micro-managing refrigerator mother. Straight up verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive when I was a kid and couldn't stand up for myself. Totally damaging to me in the long term. On the outside, TO EVERYONE ELSE, she plays the hunky-dory, happy-go-lucky, over-the-top smiley character. Everything is just soooo wonderful!!!! Oh I wish I had a mom like yours. Yes, I am grateful she is alive and she helps me. At the same time... We aren't friends. She tolerates me. I tolerate her. That's about it.
Sounds like a narcissistic type of individual😮💨.
TYSM
I am doing the best that I can ❤.
Amen sis🎉❤
Thank you! Do you have videos on how to heal the father wound and what that is or is it pretty much like the mother wound?
I think it’s so hard because she still triggers me every day. I am 36 and even though I have been in therapy and I’m fully aware she still brings me back to being a kid and feeling horrible. She had this thing with wanting me to try her old clothes and would get satisfied if I couldn’t fit it because then she was smaller then me. She did it when I was a teenager and last week she brought a skirt and a top and wouldn’t leave me alone until I tried it. It was such an uncomfortable feeling and just seeing her old clothes makes me want to run away and hide. But I need to try all these steps, thank you ❤
Be ok with saying no, they need to learn what you will allow and what you wont as well 💜
Thank You so much for this video. _To the core❤_ . I'd encourage you to check out the French psychiatrist and psychotherapist *Marie-France Hirigoyen* if you did not know her. Her work is truly amazing as well. She's authored some outstanding books on different matters, among them the one I'm reviewing at the moment which hopefully has been translated into English, the French title is *' Les Nouvelles Solitudes '* . A real _must_ nowadays even more than when it was first published in 2007. I truly recommend @ll her work. 🙏
Can you do the same for the father wound?
Find a kind, nurturing friend.
ℹ practice all of these steps. Don’t worry about anything so much!! Remember that time heals all wounds. Just remember to give yourself time. In time, if you are constantly working on the improvement and betterment of yourself and your life~ everyday and everything WILL ALWAYS ALIGN and TURN OUT FINE!! I love the cute🥰 and humorous videos that you do~ about your childhood trauma~ and how you are ‘programmed to act,’ in every scenario~ because of the PSTD. I really can learn from such serious issues being explained, and portrayed in a humorous manner. Thank you🙏☮️🎶🤰🏻🤱🏻👼♥️🙏🧚🏼♀️🧚🏼♀️🛝💞☦️🔮🌹🌟🌟☯️♾️ 6:33
how do I, at age 70, cope when the mother that caused my wounds now needs me to be her care provider.
The only needs that were listened to and approved of were the basic physical ones ; hunger and sleep. Even being sick was not okay and we would be blamed for getting sick. We would be taken care of and pampered but the overall situation was that we brought it upon ourselves. When anything out of my control happens I still blame myself
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Is it possible that I have memories stored and disassociate because they are too difficult to remember or I protected myself as a child ?
I have this too. Majority of my childhood has gone from my memory😅
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How do we prevent passsing this on to our children? I have an 11 yo daughter and sometimes feel glimpses of my own mother coming out. I want more than anything to be everything my child needs me to be, but is it too late to reverse any damage already done?
Its hard to follow a recommendation that assumed you have a support network. 😢
so... i don't have the first clue how to ask for help... for myself. like what kinds of things people ask other people to help them with. now that i know people who want to help... what do i ask them for?
Hi. Adopted here. I’m taking this slow. I’m just so angry. ❤ thank you.
I love my mom. I just can’t trust her with much of anything in my life. She’s cost me money, peace, time, effort, and given so little of that in return. I love her but from a distance and it’s painful but best this way.
🙏