Yes don't bother with them. Doctor Ramani always says.....go DEEP....DON'T.....EXPLAIN, don't ENGAGE, don't PERSONALIZE. Definitely if you can walk away....Do it!!!
I've been dealing with my narcissist boyfriend for 20 years and I didn't not realize he is narcissistic until a few months after living with him. I may say don't waste your time with this type of person it's a roller-coaster ride and so not worth it unless you giving your entire life to them RUN DON'T DATE THEM YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR IDENTITY. You have to be strong
My ex is a narcissist and now dating a narcissist for sure but i feel like I attract this people And I see how he treats his mom dad and kids is scary, I want to Run !!! Will ask for a job transfer to start my life again, in peace
I'm in the same situation. I've been with a narcissist woman for 8 years. She wore the mask for 5 years. When she took off her mask I just thought she was being difficult, stressed, and bothered because it happened during tye pandemic lockdown and our child was a toddler during that time. Since then she has gotten worse n worse. I started studying narcissism in secret 2 years ago and she fits the bill perfectly for covert narc. I wanna leave so bad but im in a stranglehold. There is issue with our now 7 year old. She is very close to me but is very aggressive towards her mom because we'll her mom treats her like crap 97 percent of time. The other 3 percent is false moments of motherly care and compassion. She has completely ruined my finances by quitting jobs on the fly and going weeks without income then I use credit to cover the expenses so that we don't lose everything. As a result my savings is wiped out and I'm in over my head with debt and facing bankruptcy. We don't have any solid support outside of our home and I don't know how I would be able to take full care of our child and work full time too. I know there is 50/50 but i feel like she would take her anger out more on our daughter if she kept her 50/50 much like my mom did me when my parents divorced. My mom was a narc and hated my dad and hated me too because I was his son and she knew I was loyal to him. I'm 42 and I didn't let my fd up childhood turn me into a rotten adult. It's actually helped me to become a better person because I chose to use it that way
@@justman4891 Look for additional strategies to make it work with custody of your daughter. You may need to downgrade your housing to bare minimum for a while until you financially recover. No matter what, don't leave her in the lion's den to be punished by her mother for all the anger the mother will have against you. Start keeping a log book (safely stored at work) of everything your wife does to crater your finances and emotionally harm your child. Start collecting financial information (tax returns, bank statement info, credit card expenses etc.) and store this in a file at work. Documentation is everything. Go consult a divorce lawyer on the QT to get additional advice. Wait until the wife gets another job so she can't claim stay at home mom.
Number one sign in my experience is lack of boundaries. That's the canary in the coal mine. lack of boundaries indicates they grew up with lack of boundaries and likely easily get jealous, envious, angry over perceived slights, etc etc
This is extremely helpful info! I just divorced my narc husband after a 28-year marriage. I have no interest in getting into a new relationship at this point … or maybe ever. I realize I have no experience with what a “normal” relationship is so the thought of attempting a new relationship is very scary.
Plus there are so pretty messed up men in the dating pool. Finding one that doesn’t blame his ex wife for his current unhappiness is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Why is all women’s toxic relationships seem to be the men’s fault? If you have never experienced a healthy relationship then I’m afraid you’re the common denominator!
Great episode - Thank you. I think Dr. Carter, in conjunction with Dr. Grande, and Dr. Ramani are the PILLARS of understanding narcissism and combating narcissistic abuse.
In addition , other great professionals , some of them also interviewed by dr Ramani and dr Carter), Mr Jerry Wise Dr Nicole LePera Dr Erin Watson (she has just started a yt channel) Dr Rebecca Mandeville Dr Lindsay Gibson And Rebecca Zung, too!! (And many others, life savers and life changing 🌟 )
It irks me because narcissists are master manipulators. They never hold themselves accountable and when they go into therapy it's because they are forced too. The data on this is very inaccurate.
I seen the red flags all along, you try to discuss your concerns but when you’re being manipulated and constantly lied to you don’t know what to believe to be true. I went into my marriage thinking we were on the same level of trust and honesty. You want to believe them.
Dr Les Carter is a life saver. Bless him. Surviving Narcissism channel is the place to be to learn everything about this subject and be blessed by hanging out with this person and his wisdom and guidance🌻🐾✨🍃DRC dignity respect and civility as Dr C says!
So true as Dr Carter said the narcissist can act generous offer help or hold out gifts w one hand while hiding a fistful of angry, manipulation & control tactics behind their back in other! God is love +
Being raised by one of these people, they infect your mind with their lack of sense of self. I remember thinking that i was worthless yet a voice in my head always pushed me forward to show kindness to others and sometimes to myself. I suffer from cptsd and i am becoming whole again. It's a very comforting thing.
My experience with narcissists is they immediately size you up for your likes, dislikes, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. In the very beginning, they use the likes to know how to charm you the most effective way, that doesn't last long, once they feel they've hooked you, then it turns into a constant cycle of exploiting your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. There's no fixing these types of relationships, they're toxic and only get worse over time. Best thing to do as soon as you recognize these patterns is to get out, put your track shoes on and don't look back.
They know, but they don't care about how they damage others... and my last BF enjoyed inflicting emotional pain. He looked downright euphoric and joyful when he triggered me to finally lose it and get angry and yelling (yelling is not my thing) when he was mistreating my animals. Actually said he knew I would react badly and that's why he did it.
Great episode! I love Dr Les Carter - so down to earth and kind, yet still has strong boundaries. Talks about the nuances of narcissistic abuse so well
Dr. Carter has a brilliant clarity on how to take the air out of a narcissist... acknowledge you two have differences, and leave it at that. No argument, no denial, nothing to argue against. I had to use this technique on my now ex husband and use what I called the "broken record" technique when he simply wouldn't let something go... calmly and firmly rinse and repeat.
My life has been 90%. Mother, four sisters, two husbands, all my inlaws and both kids. They are not just symptoms but full blown characteristics of varying degrees and levels of power, control and control and abuse. When I began to learn three years ago, for the first time my whole life made sense...
@@Foxie770 it is possible for everyone to participate in narcissistic coping patterns based on family culture. My family is pretty similar, I had participated in narcissism my whole life because I thought that's just how people operate. It's just the way people were in my family and that's how I should act, I didn't know any different until I saw channels like this and it opened my eyes to how I should change and how to deal with my family.
@@Foxie770While your Upside Down USA Flag shouts your politics to our community, I'm not getting the meaning of your post. Do Explain for all of us. 🫖
When one comes from narsacist family, one usually marries into one aswell. Cause it is the dinamics /dance one is use too. So yes, until one gets healthy from codependency ND childhood wounds ... One seems to attack them.
"I'm happy with the way I do me" . I learned this from Dr Carter. That one statement changed my life. It was about me not trying to reason with a Narcissist, which is futile, but instead stand my ground. I've used it a few times, and John was silent. He's my former Husband. I am his part time carer as a volunteer. He's sectioned at present, so I'm having a desperately needed break from him. Not everyone can just cut the Narcissist off, so advice like that is helping me to cope much better. Thanks Dr Carter.
6:49 Defffinitly didnt get to sit down and discuss a learning opportunity. It was mostly yelling, rage and gaslighting... I woke up afraid of getting in trouble everyday
A conversation with Doctor Les Carter is priceless. Every sentence is wisdom diamonds, rubies, and pearls. So clear. We need to clone him and put him in every community and family to sort us all out.
Without actually using the terminology, I asked my mother how she felt when somebody hurt because of something she did? She said she enjoyed it. I swear she’s pure evil.
Fantastic and insightful podcast. I related to so many of the nuances of manipulation and covert power control; it was life giving for me. Nice interview. I have listened to the calming voice of Dr. Carter for many months, and this was the best one for me.
The pre-disposed disagreeable, aggressive or anti-social personalities is a huge part of personality disorders. I work with wonderful parents to help address behavioral challenges in children, and sometimes it’s the parents’ abuse, or neglect, but most of the time, disagreeable children have been challenging since infancy. It’s not trauma in and of itself that leads to challenging, anti-social behaviors.
I totally agree. Some of them weren't hurt as children. I think something was left out of them, they are inherently flawed. They are like psychopaths in a way. They are led by their emotions, however they feel at the moment is what they act on.
My boss would pretend I messed up to see my reaction. Always trying to create supply. False accusations and create the narrative you effed up. Was very covert. Then he would laugh. What a s show! Grey rock is your friend!!!!
My ex also had explosive tantrums as well. He’s almost 46 years old! 🤦🏼♀️ There was NO such thing as conflict resolution with him. Even though in the very beginning of our relationship he pleaded with me if we could have transparency in communication, he was enthusiastic about the 4 Horsemen (related to healthy and unhealthy conflict resolution). Over time I saw him change and shift our whole relationship into an emotionally void, almost empty one. I was shocked. It happened in less than 3 months. He switched up and gradually stopped caring about putting in effort. He refused to open up so I stopped feeling emotionally safe. And with all his arguing it all got so much worse. I feel he did all this on purpose and pushed me to break up with him. Because he was HAPPY and relieved after everything. 😡 He didn’t care that he disappointed me, lied to me, fought constantly with me and basically destroyed me emotionally.
Dr. Carter, This is the only video that I can handle when there are 2 people. All the others I've seen were terrible because they don't get to the point and act playful together and for me, it is not professional enough. So once I see someone inviting another on their show I would just move along. This is a great video Dr. Carter. Thank you!
THIS VIDEO DEFINITELY WAS A EYE OPENER FOR ME BEING THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH A FEW NARCISSISTS & A FEW IN MY FAMILY I CAN RELATE TO WHAT WAS SAID IN THE VIDEO YOU GUYS HAVE CONFIRMED SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH WITH NARCISSISTS THANKS FOR DOING VIDEOS SUCH AS THIS ONE KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING
Just those first couple of sentences, healthy people are desiring a mutual connection! To see and hear each other and have your back k rather than control, denigration and throwing you hinder the bus. Thank you dr . ✌
Deep History, great idea! I now so wish I had investigated more! World Win Romance and my being rejected by the 1st husband made me so very vunerable! Married him and was emotionally neglected for years. His family history was totally a Narcissist System. He has since died, and I have found freedom in therapy. Understanding is absolutely Key! Hind Sight is difinately 20/20. Thanks!
That's a great question! Why ARE these people like this? They are so cocky and literally annoying. They are still worthy of love, but trying to figure them out is exhausting!
That's very sound reasoning and something I never knew. It really should be that simple as to being able to be safe to say, hey I'm not comfortable with x,y, z and just have a discussion without it turning into a huge thing. That advise can go for ANY relationship. Dr. C. fabulous as advised ways 👏✋✌
I tend to think of such people in terms of being unable to grasp that there is a point where they stop and other people start, with difficulty in maintaining coherent concepts of other people and things through state changes, of seeing everything in grotesquely oversimplified extremes, and hence treating relationships as zero-sum struggles for dominance and control. In my experience, this produces the conflict in which these characteristics manifest most clearly.
I was a single parent to 2 sons, w/a9 yr span between them, and I think the oldest influences the youngest, although they are like night and day. They have both become narcissistic to varying degrees and it has been very painful, first seeing it and admitting it (b/c they weren’t raised that way), and then making decisions to separate and not chase after them. My heart ♥️ 😔
Thank you! A month ago, my father's brother(of four) and my uncle/godfather died. I made the mistake of calling him. He was annoyed and paranoid that I knew. He was scared. Then, he talked only about his loss. What a waste of my time, emotion, effort. I haven't spoken with him. I had his number blocked on my phone. He asked how I knew. The obit is online. He was paranoid and annoyed that I knew. He's delusional. He's a jerk!
Yes. I got the total interrogation as to why I rinsed out containers that went into the recycling bin (duh, odor and bugs). Meanwhile he said he didn't have to share information with me because that was his right.
100%. If I asked any one of mine why they did something I'd get varying responses from baiting and laughter yo contempt and disdain through to full blown rage. All 3 have routinely interrogated me as to why I have done something! My father was horrendous when he had one of his moods and flew into a rage or if I'd made a mistake as as kid or even if I hadn't! I felt like as prisoner being broken down. Absolute nut!
In high school, one boy me that I’m really pretty, but I have slightly bow legged, so I answered back that it’s the same him truth that he is handsome wit an elephant ears 😂😂😂😂
I responded a great deal in anger. I don't think I'm the narcissist because every fight ended with me apologizing and making up for my behavior. However I certainly screamed and shouted, criticized, responded with intense judgement. But I believe that was a result of being gaslit systematically and set up. For instance one day I took off work and was extraordinarily supportive of my gf specifically helping her all day. Her response at the end of the day was, "I don't feel supported by you.". My entire day was dedicated to her. It felt like a really fucked up knife twist.
I like when you do these interviews.. They give me a different perspective and a different context.. I like how you described the spectrum/scale.. Let me just talk about morality and ethics a little.. It might just start with one little lie or going to one party or cutting off one person in traffic or one joint or one flirt but does it stop there?.. I just look at that scale in 2 ways.. Where am I on that scale and where are the people that I surround myself with on that scale? One of the big things that I think about when I think about dating is all of the toxic people around.. Even if I do get a good one, how do I keep all the toxic people away from her? I am just so used to my friends hitting on my girlfriends even when they had girlfriends and married.. I think a big part of my problem is that I am way to tolerant of unacceptable behavior..
"Friends" who hit on your girlfriend aren't really your friends. That is a huge breach of ethics and boundaries. Dump them and find new friends. Also if your girlfriend is worth your time, she will not run off with one of your buddies at the drop of a hat.
Dr, Carter, I have a friend who mistreats me and can be vengeful. She says if anyone hurts her she'll take her anger out on them since she's got a lot of it. However, I forgive her since she sometimes tries to make up. She can be good and bad in many ways. I'll skip the details to keep this short. So I'm trying to understand that at least she warned me she had Covid after spending time with her. She had dinner with me after a couple of people she was with had Covid and I ended up getting it to. Should I think it's ok or not that she did that. She said she wasn't completely sure about how she got it but her story was confusing. I was upset but I don't want to be unfair. Nevertheless, even if I'm not sure about her, I realized that we need to be careful if a person who's a narc out there that can even hurt you with covid or anything they're carrying.
My ex would use sex as a tool to manipulate by withholding whenever he didn't get what he wanted or just to frustrate or be mean. Then when it happens it's so unfulfilling and he acts like it's a unwanted chore. Then I get a STD. Then he says its from his ex girlfriend of 7 yrs ago. Wow! My doctor said that STD doesn't lay dormant for years then just pops up. He never took accountability or admitted infidelity. Then 30 years later I find out he was molesting my minor child. This individual is totally evil. I was a fool and blinded. I hope he burns 🔥 in hell.
My boss is a narcissist, no empathy, shouts at certain people, gets annoyed when I go on holiday, doesn't like people eating at work, doesn't want people pooping in the toilet, sleazy comments sometimes, won't let staff get another job, instead of 1 month notice in contract wants 2 months notice, no empathy if staff sick they come in sick, and he is never at work
Did I really hear someone say that " Everyone is on Tender Hooks" .. in the respect that everyone is waiting for the game to begin. In actual fact, he should have said ; 'Tenter Hooks' which are used in the textile industry to stretch fabric during the dying process. .
Same here. For me it has been a life saver moment. I can remember the exact day and year. Before, I behaved with normal human rules, so to speak... But the normal rules and the normal thoughts can literally destroy our lives when dealing with narcissists, especially if they are our parents
Id like to hear insight into people who are "fake nice" to strangers as a way to appear like a good person, but take all their frustrations out on their partners. I've seen this pattern.
The saddest thing is when the narcissist is your mother. It's one thing to walk away from a romantic partner or spouse. That's really hard. But to walk away from your mother is the saddest thing. I've had decades of toxic harm from my mother and I have finally reached the end of my rope.
Mirrowing -- why I was taught this while studying to be a counsler for a suicide prevention hotline -- it means repeating what the person said -- communicating to caller I understood the seriousness of whas expressed to me. [Hopefully a connection so caller will not hang up!
9:25 'punctuality' 1st time i've heard someone talk about that , it's insane to constantly be late toward someone you've made a simple agreement with. To just not show up, not call back about something you've both agreed upon calling back about. To not just even text and say ''i don't feel like going'' etc . == It's astonishing immaturity and rudeness. I've had to drop a few like that , they put on the big smile 'nice' act when you run into them in public, then totally drop the ball if you've made the simplest of appointments or agreements. I'm flexible and self employed and honestly i'm easy to get along with , but those type of people are POISON.
I’m one of 5 - the age difference is 13 years from the oldest to the youngest in my family & I’m the middle child. So I remember a lot of our upbringing. I also grew up with friends that came from bigger families ( like 8 ) . What I found is that the older kids were unbelievably selfish, mean, huge egos & had no regard for others & big time takers . The younger ones were kind, patient, giving, outgoing. Crazy but true . The older siblings hold onto hate & grudges while the younger ones were much more likely to let go & move on. I find that very interesting
Some of them have a childlikeness about them...like making sure you know they "stole" the bank pen and driving back to return it. They are trying to prove to you they are honest.
The man I’m dealing with tried this with me omg 😱 😮😢 he loved bombed me 4 years ago didn’t realize what was going on in process of getting away from him
I was shocked to hear from an angry misplaced voice, that I was supposed to inform them ahead of time, if I was going to visit someone of the opposite sex, although the relationship had nothing to do with romance. I told this person that the other person was an old friend, of more than 25 years and that I knew his wife, children etc. , that they knew me and that the one who was demanding was the newest person in my life. Would he forbid me to merely visit old friends? I had had no idea that he was a narcissist. It just got worse as he showed his true colors. I told him that if I knew the rules, that I would have a chance to obey them. That would have been too honest, to know how he thought. That was a hopeless situation. They keep their real thoughts to themselves, which causes great misunderstandings and problems. It is a relationship devoid of honesty. Give it up and be free.
Egocentric, don't care if they hurt you, everything is seen from their pov and they will not and do not want to know who you are, you're a pawn to be what they want you to be. ✌
I did a lot of this. Diagnosed autistic a few years ago. I see it now. It's not rocket science. I did this in a relationship. A lot of it. It's like that programming was missing. It can be programmed though.
🚩 "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" -- Maya Angelou 🎯💯
Yes and anyone can change for the better. When you think they can't that's outdated thinking. Maya didn't know everything.
Don’t bother. It’s like talking to a wall. Walk away with your health, peace of mind, dignity, and respect.
What if the narcissist is the love of your life and you know she is the love of your life and there could never be anyone to replace her …
You have a false sense of who she is.
@@kelleyf Where in the comment does it say anything about a woman?
Yes don't bother with them.
Doctor Ramani always says.....go DEEP....DON'T.....EXPLAIN, don't ENGAGE, don't PERSONALIZE.
Definitely if you can walk away....Do it!!!
@@LOVEISTRUTH300 Absolutely.
I've been dealing with my narcissist boyfriend for 20 years and I didn't not realize he is narcissistic until a few months after living with him. I may say don't waste your time with this type of person it's a roller-coaster ride and so not worth it unless you giving your entire life to them RUN DON'T DATE THEM YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR IDENTITY. You have to be strong
20 years ...holy mother of hardships..how did you do it?
I couldn't get past two years.
My ex is a narcissist and now dating a narcissist for sure but i feel like I attract this people
And I see how he treats his mom dad and kids is scary,
I want to Run !!! Will ask for a job transfer to start my life again,
in peace
I'm in the same situation. I've been with a narcissist woman for 8 years. She wore the mask for 5 years. When she took off her mask I just thought she was being difficult, stressed, and bothered because it happened during tye pandemic lockdown and our child was a toddler during that time. Since then she has gotten worse n worse. I started studying narcissism in secret 2 years ago and she fits the bill perfectly for covert narc. I wanna leave so bad but im in a stranglehold. There is issue with our now 7 year old. She is very close to me but is very aggressive towards her mom because we'll her mom treats her like crap 97 percent of time. The other 3 percent is false moments of motherly care and compassion. She has completely ruined my finances by quitting jobs on the fly and going weeks without income then I use credit to cover the expenses so that we don't lose everything. As a result my savings is wiped out and I'm in over my head with debt and facing bankruptcy. We don't have any solid support outside of our home and I don't know how I would be able to take full care of our child and work full time too. I know there is 50/50 but i feel like she would take her anger out more on our daughter if she kept her 50/50 much like my mom did me when my parents divorced. My mom was a narc and hated my dad and hated me too because I was his son and she knew I was loyal to him. I'm 42 and I didn't let my fd up childhood turn me into a rotten adult. It's actually helped me to become a better person because I chose to use it that way
@@justman4891 Look for additional strategies to make it work with custody of your daughter. You may need to downgrade your housing to bare minimum for a while until you financially recover. No matter what, don't leave her in the lion's den to be punished by her mother for all the anger the mother will have against you. Start keeping a log book (safely stored at work) of everything your wife does to crater your finances and emotionally harm your child. Start collecting financial information (tax returns, bank statement info, credit card expenses etc.) and store this in a file at work. Documentation is everything. Go consult a divorce lawyer on the QT to get additional advice. Wait until the wife gets another job so she can't claim stay at home mom.
@@OgWoot 27 years here and hoping to come away in a human worthing way.
A day without Dr Carter ☀️ is like a day without sunshine. 💕 ☮️ 🙏
.....and a day wasted. The man is a legend.
That's hardly true , as he never responds to his comments
@@DKSE123 This isn't Dr Carter's channel..? Even so that's pretty shoddy not to personally reply w nearly 1M subscribers on here alone... 🤔😉😂
Number one sign in my experience is lack of boundaries. That's the canary in the coal mine. lack of boundaries indicates they grew up with lack of boundaries and likely easily get jealous, envious, angry over perceived slights, etc etc
This is extremely helpful info! I just divorced my narc husband after a 28-year marriage. I have no interest in getting into a new relationship at this point … or maybe ever. I realize I have no experience with what a “normal” relationship is so the thought of attempting a new relationship is very scary.
Yes !!!!!!!!
Plus there are so pretty messed up men in the dating pool.
Finding one that doesn’t blame his ex wife for his current unhappiness is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
@@KatWoodland ouu you hit the hammer on the head it’s always the ex fault no accountability what. So ever!!
Very good point... same
Why is all women’s toxic relationships seem to be the men’s fault? If you have never experienced a healthy relationship then I’m afraid you’re the common denominator!
Great episode - Thank you. I think Dr. Carter, in conjunction with Dr. Grande, and Dr. Ramani are the PILLARS of understanding narcissism and combating narcissistic abuse.
And Sam Vaknin
In addition ,
other great professionals , some of them also interviewed by dr Ramani and dr Carter),
Mr Jerry Wise
Dr Nicole LePera
Dr Erin Watson (she has just started a yt channel)
Dr Rebecca Mandeville
Dr Lindsay Gibson
And Rebecca Zung, too!!
(And many others, life savers and life changing 🌟 )
Sam Vankin too
Definitely Sam Vaknin.
Don't forget about H.G. Tudor
NPD IS WAY MORE COMMON THAN 6 PERCENT. I GUARANTEE YOU.
I think it's more like 30 percent
I myself always thought it was around 20-25 percent of people were strongly narcissistic.
It irks me because narcissists are master manipulators. They never hold themselves accountable and when they go into therapy it's because they are forced too. The data on this is very inaccurate.
There is true narcissism, predominant behavior, clinically diagnosed, and then there are narcissistic TRAITS in people, that only show up sometimes.
It’s hard to get an accurate stat because narcissists don’t/wont seek help or allow an NPD assessment.
I seen the red flags all along, you try to discuss your concerns but when you’re being manipulated and constantly lied to you don’t know what to believe to be true. I went into my marriage thinking we were on the same level of trust and honesty.
You want to believe them.
Dr Les Carter is a life saver. Bless him. Surviving Narcissism channel is the place to be to learn everything about this subject and be blessed by hanging out with this person and his wisdom and guidance🌻🐾✨🍃DRC dignity respect and civility as Dr C says!
So true as Dr Carter said the narcissist can act generous offer help or hold out gifts w one hand while hiding a fistful of angry, manipulation & control tactics behind their back in other! God is love +
"We think differently."
Thank you Dr. C
Calm Firmness &
Delicate Detatchment will create a bold boundary.
Being raised by one of these people, they infect your mind with their lack of sense of self. I remember thinking that i was worthless yet a voice in my head always pushed me forward to show kindness to others and sometimes to myself. I suffer from cptsd and i am becoming whole again. It's a very comforting thing.
A true narcissist will never ever change.
My mom show everyone of these signs Years of Therapy I now understand it wasn't me Love yourself and move on
Dr Carter saved my sanity. Love him so much.
Married 30 years. Regret is my biggest emotion
27 yrs this past Saturday. Been a rough ride. I want out, can't afford it. Sucks
Same here, 33 yrs., all advice is "leave, get out". But easy said then done. 🙁🤷🙄😢
My experience with narcissists is they immediately size you up for your likes, dislikes, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. In the very beginning, they use the likes to know how to charm you the most effective way, that doesn't last long, once they feel they've hooked you, then it turns into a constant cycle of exploiting your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. There's no fixing these types of relationships, they're toxic and only get worse over time. Best thing to do as soon as you recognize these patterns is to get out, put your track shoes on and don't look back.
Narcissists need to know!!!! They don't see how they are, what they do hurts people. They are the exception in their minds.
They don't care !
Oh, honey... they know.
They know, but they don't care about how they damage others... and my last BF enjoyed inflicting emotional pain. He looked downright euphoric and joyful when he triggered me to finally lose it and get angry and yelling (yelling is not my thing) when he was mistreating my animals. Actually said he knew I would react badly and that's why he did it.
Run for the hills!❤
love that.
And don’t go back because Zebras can’t “change” their stripes, neither does narcissist.
There’s no resolve with a narcissist, run as fast as you can and do not look back. Once you know you know.
Great episode! I love Dr Les Carter - so down to earth and kind, yet still has strong boundaries. Talks about the nuances of narcissistic abuse so well
Dr. Carter has a brilliant clarity on how to take the air out of a narcissist... acknowledge you two have differences, and leave it at that. No argument, no denial, nothing to argue against. I had to use this technique on my now ex husband and use what I called the "broken record" technique when he simply wouldn't let something go... calmly and firmly rinse and repeat.
Tim Fletcher's videos on UA-cam about complex trauma, shame, narcissism, re-parenting and more is great at explaining how narcissisim is formed.
Thank you for getting him on and for all of your great questions! Very thorough interview covering so much!
My life has been 90%. Mother, four sisters, two husbands, all my inlaws and both kids. They are not just symptoms but full blown characteristics of varying degrees and levels of power, control and control and abuse. When I began to learn three years ago, for the first time my whole life made sense...
Funny, the one thing they all have in common is you…
@@Foxie770 it is possible for everyone to participate in narcissistic coping patterns based on family culture. My family is pretty similar, I had participated in narcissism my whole life because I thought that's just how people operate. It's just the way people were in my family and that's how I should act, I didn't know any different until I saw channels like this and it opened my eyes to how I should change and how to deal with my family.
@@Foxie770While your Upside Down USA Flag shouts your politics to our community, I'm not getting the meaning of your post. Do Explain for all of us. 🫖
When one comes from narsacist family, one usually marries into one aswell. Cause it is the dinamics /dance one is use too. So yes, until one gets healthy from codependency ND childhood wounds ... One seems to attack them.
"I'm happy with the way I do me" . I learned this from Dr Carter. That one statement changed my life. It was about me not trying to reason with a Narcissist, which is futile, but instead stand my ground. I've used it a few times, and John was silent. He's my former Husband. I am his part time carer as a volunteer. He's sectioned at present, so I'm having a desperately needed break from him. Not everyone can just cut the Narcissist off, so advice like that is helping me to cope much better. Thanks Dr Carter.
I’d love to hear more about covert/vulnerable narcissism.
6:49
Defffinitly didnt get to sit down and discuss a learning opportunity. It was mostly yelling, rage and gaslighting...
I woke up afraid of getting in trouble everyday
You can not reason with them at all. Go No Contact! Run for your life!
A conversation with Doctor Les Carter is priceless. Every sentence is wisdom diamonds, rubies, and pearls. So clear. We need to clone him and put him in every community and family to sort us all out.
Without actually using the terminology, I asked my mother how she felt when somebody hurt because of something she did? She said she enjoyed it. I swear she’s pure evil.
I can NOT believe any human like this exists!
😳
Sadistic
@@lijohnyoutube101 Believe it. I have experienced this too, as have others I've known.
@@lynnebucher6537 Agreed, it was an exclamation, I should have made that more clear. Tone does not always come across clearly in text!
Fantastic and insightful podcast. I related to so many of the nuances of manipulation and covert power control; it was life giving for me. Nice interview. I have listened to the calming voice of Dr. Carter for many months, and this was the best one for me.
I can relate to all of this - and it's happened in romantic relationships and friendships. Now I know and I can do so much better!
This is a supportive and informative video! Thank you!
I love your channel Dr C.
Dr. Carter is one of the best 👍
The pre-disposed disagreeable, aggressive or anti-social personalities is a huge part of personality disorders. I work with wonderful parents to help address behavioral challenges in children, and sometimes it’s the parents’ abuse, or neglect, but most of the time, disagreeable children have been challenging since infancy. It’s not trauma in and of itself that leads to challenging, anti-social behaviors.
Inate.
I totally agree. Some of them weren't hurt as children. I think something was left out of them, they are inherently flawed. They are like psychopaths in a way. They are led by their emotions, however they feel at the moment is what they act on.
Thank you for presenting this insightful interview containing very helpful information about these difficult personalities.
My boss would pretend I messed up to see my reaction. Always trying to create supply. False accusations and create the narrative you effed up. Was very covert. Then he would laugh. What a s show! Grey rock is your friend!!!!
Great definition from Dr. Carter. I love "Ingredients " plus "scale or spectrum" model.
my EX... cannot control his intake of FOOD, nor his explosive tantrums: So abusive
I believe your ex uses emotional eating. He’s trying to replace love, sympathy, affection, devotion with food. He’s using food as comfort.
My ex also had explosive tantrums as well. He’s almost 46 years old! 🤦🏼♀️ There was NO such thing as conflict resolution with him. Even though in the very beginning of our relationship he pleaded with me if we could have transparency in communication, he was enthusiastic about the 4 Horsemen (related to healthy and unhealthy conflict resolution). Over time I saw him change and shift our whole relationship into an emotionally void, almost empty one. I was shocked. It happened in less than 3 months. He switched up and gradually stopped caring about putting in effort. He refused to open up so I stopped feeling emotionally safe. And with all his arguing it all got so much worse. I feel he did all this on purpose and pushed me to break up with him. Because he was HAPPY and relieved after everything. 😡 He didn’t care that he disappointed me, lied to me, fought constantly with me and basically destroyed me emotionally.
Dr. Carter,
This is the only video that I can handle when there are 2 people. All the others I've seen were terrible because they don't get to the point and act playful together and for me, it is not professional enough. So once I see someone inviting another on their show I would just move along. This is a great video Dr. Carter.
Thank you!
So eye opening. Made me think about things that have happened in my relationship and came to some realizations. Thank you for sharing.
We are Team Healthy.
Great podcast episode. I hear all about narcissism. I never fully understood it until now. Thanks! Great questions as well Doug.
So wt.... is the #1 SIGN ??
THIS VIDEO DEFINITELY WAS A EYE OPENER FOR ME BEING THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH A FEW NARCISSISTS & A FEW IN MY FAMILY I CAN RELATE TO WHAT WAS SAID IN THE VIDEO YOU GUYS HAVE CONFIRMED SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH WITH NARCISSISTS THANKS FOR DOING VIDEOS SUCH AS THIS ONE KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING
Always believe they are who they say they are. Also believe I'm the better judge.
Just those first couple of sentences, healthy people are desiring a mutual connection! To see and hear each other and have your back k rather than control, denigration and throwing you hinder the bus. Thank you dr . ✌
Deep History, great idea! I now so wish I had investigated more!
World Win Romance and my being rejected by the 1st husband made me so very vunerable!
Married him and was emotionally neglected for years. His family history was totally a Narcissist System. He has since died, and I have found freedom in therapy. Understanding is absolutely Key!
Hind Sight is difinately 20/20. Thanks!
That's a great question! Why ARE these people like this? They are so cocky and literally annoying. They are still worthy of love, but trying to figure them out is exhausting!
Good luck loving them
Worthy of love??!! NO F-ing WAY. They destroy people! They do not deserve ANYTHING. 👎🏻 😡
Sooo much could be commented on here. Most of us can relate to the “power differential “. 37 minute mark.
That's very sound reasoning and something I never knew. It really should be that simple as to being able to be safe to say, hey I'm not comfortable with x,y, z and just have a discussion without it turning into a huge thing. That advise can go for ANY relationship. Dr. C. fabulous as advised ways 👏✋✌
I tend to think of such people in terms of being unable to grasp that there is a point where they stop and other people start, with difficulty in maintaining coherent concepts of other people and things through state changes, of seeing everything in grotesquely oversimplified extremes, and hence treating relationships as zero-sum struggles for dominance and control. In my experience, this produces the conflict in which these characteristics manifest most clearly.
I was a single parent to 2 sons, w/a9 yr span between them, and I think the oldest influences the youngest, although they are like night and day. They have both become narcissistic to varying degrees and it has been very painful, first seeing it and admitting it (b/c they weren’t raised that way), and then making decisions to separate and not chase after them. My heart ♥️ 😔
Thank you! A month ago, my father's brother(of four) and my uncle/godfather died. I made the mistake of calling him. He was annoyed and paranoid that I knew. He was scared. Then, he talked only about his loss. What a waste of my time, emotion, effort. I haven't spoken with him. I had his number blocked on my phone. He asked how I knew. The obit is online. He was paranoid and annoyed that I knew. He's delusional. He's a jerk!
Is a narcissist trait one must explain your actions but the narcissist doesn't think they have to explain their actions
Sooo right. The narc always wants an explanation, asks why you’re being so defensive, while defensively defending their reasons for doing anything.
Yes. I got the total interrogation as to why I rinsed out containers that went into the recycling bin (duh, odor and bugs). Meanwhile he said he didn't have to share information with me because that was his right.
100%. If I asked any one of mine why they did something I'd get varying responses from baiting and laughter yo contempt and disdain through to full blown rage. All 3 have routinely interrogated me as to why I have done something! My father was horrendous when he had one of his moods and flew into a rage or if I'd made a mistake as as kid or even if I hadn't! I felt like as prisoner being broken down. Absolute nut!
Fabulous information. I love Dr. Carter
In high school, one boy me that I’m really pretty, but I have slightly bow legged, so I answered back that it’s the same him truth that he is handsome wit an elephant ears 😂😂😂😂
Thanks so much for your insight you have helped me tremendously ❤🙌
I responded a great deal in anger. I don't think I'm the narcissist because every fight ended with me apologizing and making up for my behavior. However I certainly screamed and shouted, criticized, responded with intense judgement.
But I believe that was a result of being gaslit systematically and set up. For instance one day I took off work and was extraordinarily supportive of my gf specifically helping her all day.
Her response at the end of the day was, "I don't feel supported by you.". My entire day was dedicated to her. It felt like a really fucked up knife twist.
Dr Carter is the best
Great video. Great intrerview of DR C. This was very helpful for healing
Thank you for a greatly informative and supportive conversation Gentlemen.
Really, so what exactly is the #1 sign, pls 😢
I'm so grateful for sharing this video. 🙌 l have to deal with this regularly. Hope it will help me to figure out what to do and what not to do.
16:32 great example and warning sign of manipulator
Thank you Dr Carter. I like your live vs pre recorded. Your insights are spot on and in depth knowledge Very informative 👍.
I like when you do these interviews.. They give me a different perspective and a different context..
I like how you described the spectrum/scale.. Let me just talk about morality and ethics a little.. It might just start with one little lie or going to one party or cutting off one person in traffic or one joint or one flirt but does it stop there?.. I just look at that scale in 2 ways.. Where am I on that scale and where are the people that I surround myself with on that scale?
One of the big things that I think about when I think about dating is all of the toxic people around.. Even if I do get a good one, how do I keep all the toxic people away from her? I am just so used to my friends hitting on my girlfriends even when they had girlfriends and married.. I think a big part of my problem is that I am way to tolerant of unacceptable behavior..
"Friends" who hit on your girlfriend aren't really your friends. That is a huge breach of ethics and boundaries. Dump them and find new friends. Also if your girlfriend is worth your time, she will not run off with one of your buddies at the drop of a hat.
@@lynnebucher6537 You got that right..
Excellent interview! Thank you both.
So much great information here. Thank you 🙏🏻
Fascinating discussion. Thank you I've learned much
Dr, Carter, I have a friend who mistreats me and can be vengeful. She says if anyone hurts her she'll take her anger out on them since she's got a lot of it. However, I forgive her since she sometimes tries to make up. She can be good and bad in many ways. I'll skip the details to keep this short. So I'm trying to understand that at least she warned me she had Covid after spending time with her. She had dinner with me after a couple of people she was with had Covid and I ended up getting it to.
Should I think it's ok or not that she did that. She said she wasn't completely sure about how she got it but her story was confusing. I was upset but I don't want to be unfair.
Nevertheless, even if I'm not sure about her, I realized that we need to be careful if a person who's a narc out there that can even hurt you with covid or anything they're carrying.
Great information!
The narcissist that I know are soulless and Evil!
My ex would use sex as a tool to manipulate by withholding whenever he didn't get what he wanted or just to frustrate or be mean. Then when it happens it's so unfulfilling and he acts like it's a unwanted chore. Then I get a STD. Then he says its from his ex girlfriend of 7 yrs ago. Wow! My doctor said that STD doesn't lay dormant for years then just pops up. He never took accountability or admitted infidelity. Then 30 years later I find out he was molesting my minor child. This individual is totally evil. I was a fool and blinded. I hope he burns 🔥 in hell.
You both are so good ❤ thank you !
My boss is a narcissist, no empathy, shouts at certain people, gets annoyed when I go on holiday, doesn't like people eating at work, doesn't want people pooping in the toilet, sleazy comments sometimes, won't let staff get another job, instead of 1 month notice in contract wants 2 months notice, no empathy if staff sick they come in sick, and he is never at work
Did I really hear someone say that " Everyone is on Tender Hooks" .. in the respect that everyone is waiting for the game to begin. In actual fact, he should have said ; 'Tenter Hooks' which are used in the textile industry to stretch fabric during the dying process. .
I just watched Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman the other night on youtube for the Atlantic the 10th.time.
Makes sense to me. If only I knew. Live and learn. 🧨🦊
Recently well in the last few years found out about NPD, and boy oh boy what a shocker. Thanks for sharing.
Same here.
For me it has been a life saver moment. I can remember the exact day and year.
Before, I behaved with normal human rules, so to speak...
But the normal rules and the normal thoughts
can literally destroy our lives when dealing
with narcissists, especially if they are our parents
Everyone thought my Father in Law was a great guy [ yet he was abusive- Narcissistic cheat]!
Whatever did we do without psychologists!!!
Id like to hear insight into people who are "fake nice" to strangers as a way to appear like a good person, but take all their frustrations out on their partners. I've seen this pattern.
The saddest thing is when the narcissist is your mother. It's one thing to walk away from a romantic partner or spouse. That's really hard. But to walk away from your mother is the saddest thing. I've had decades of toxic harm from my mother and I have finally reached the end of my rope.
I knew it after kids,, that’s when he revealed hi self
I feel you on that, once she was pregnant passed month 3, ,mask came off
Mirrowing -- why I was taught this while studying to be a counsler for a suicide prevention hotline -- it means repeating what the person said -- communicating to caller I understood the seriousness of whas expressed to me. [Hopefully a connection so caller will not hang up!
9:25 'punctuality'
1st time i've heard someone talk about that , it's insane to constantly be late toward someone you've made a simple agreement with. To just not show up, not call back about something
you've both agreed upon calling back about. To not just even text and say ''i don't feel like going'' etc . == It's astonishing immaturity and rudeness. I've had to drop a few like that , they put on the big smile 'nice' act when you run into them in public, then totally drop the ball if you've made the simplest of appointments or agreements. I'm flexible and self employed and honestly i'm easy to get along with , but those type of people are POISON.
I’m one of 5 - the age difference is 13 years from the oldest to the youngest in my family & I’m the middle child. So I remember a lot of our upbringing. I also grew up with friends that came from bigger families ( like 8 ) . What I found is that the older kids were unbelievably selfish, mean, huge egos & had no regard for others & big time takers . The younger ones were kind, patient, giving, outgoing. Crazy but true . The older siblings hold onto hate & grudges while the younger ones were much more likely to let go & move on. I find that very interesting
Yes 🙌; I am the youngest of five and the competition is untrue.
I’m a twin, too
Some of them have a childlikeness about them...like making sure you know they "stole" the bank pen and driving back to return it. They are trying to prove to you they are honest.
The man I’m dealing with tried this with me omg 😱 😮😢 he loved bombed me 4 years ago didn’t realize what was going on in process of getting away from him
I was shocked to hear from an angry misplaced voice, that I was supposed to inform them ahead of time, if I was going to visit someone of the opposite sex, although the relationship had nothing to do with romance. I told this person that the other person was an old friend, of more than 25 years and that I knew his wife, children etc. , that they knew me and that the one who was demanding was the newest person in my life. Would he forbid me to merely visit old friends? I had had no idea that he was a narcissist. It just got worse as he showed his true colors. I told him that if I knew the rules, that I would have a chance to obey them. That would have been too honest, to know how he thought. That was a hopeless situation. They keep their real thoughts to themselves, which causes great misunderstandings and problems. It is a relationship devoid of honesty. Give it up and be free.
U deserve highest regards highest respect. God bless you 💖
Egocentric, don't care if they hurt you, everything is seen from their pov and they will not and do not want to know who you are, you're a pawn to be what they want you to be. ✌
I did a lot of this. Diagnosed autistic a few years ago. I see it now. It's not rocket science. I did this in a relationship. A lot of it. It's like that programming was missing. It can be programmed though.
Sound teaching!🎉
This man sounds exactly like Dr. Phil.
I used to argue with him and I ll win.. I bully him back
They will intentionally drive you insane and then deliver you the common phrase from the good old playbook “you need to see a therapist”.
I could teach this 22 yrs. I’m done 😮😊