Midweek with Dr. C- Narcissists Don’t Think Like You
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- Опубліковано 2 лип 2024
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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You never have to apologize. These videos have saved my life as well as others. God Bless you.
No kidding. I don’t know where I’d be without the wisdom and insight of Dr. Carter!
Me too!
Hello TeamHealthy from Old Switzerland! After more than 20 years married to my vulnerable narcissist husband I am a professional when it comes to „Narcissist don‘t think like me…“ I try to stay sane! Fortunately I call myself standing on the ground of good old earth. But I found out that I don‘t respond of his ghosting as much as I used to. Keep up TeamHealthy!! You‘re not alone. It happens also in Europe!
Thanks, Giulia!
@@SurvivingNarcissismNo one knows that I have👉👉 *Adult child syndrome*
One red flag with narcissists is they'll argue with you, but won't listen to anything you're saying because they're getting off on the narcissistic supply. Then after doing that they'll project onto you by calling you 'selfish' to self regulate and get you to try harder to please them.
They love to provoke to get their supply. They really are immature people.
Never was it said, by any narc ever: "Hey, let's have a hug".
That’s ok I wouldn’t want to hug one of them since they are vile.
The narcs in my life loved to hug it out, to fool you into thinking things are resolved. Then they do the exact same things again later.
Oh they can do. They want you to be alright with them and hugging displays you're going along with them
I found mine to use affection as a weapon. He wielded it to devastating effect
Dr Carter, thank you for singing to the audience, which I enjoyed. No more hidden camera this time and you were in a good mood today. Wishing you and your family a great Independence Day tomorrow!!!
I looked up the lyrics of the song you were singing, for whoever is interested:
"Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love, and it's an ache I still remember
… You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
… But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that, though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"
You're something else, Roxy!! Thanks.
Dr. C, your humor and wisdom make this subject palatable. I told a narcissist sister she was a narcissist. 😂😂😂You are so right!!
Lack of humility = Lack of spirituality
Doc. It shows you're human. Everyone laughed WITH you. Today's live was so informative. I like thatI learn something new every day about myself AND about others 🤗
A narcissistic individual thinks like only one person. Themselves! They are the only ones who could make sense of all their garbage! Stay Healthy!
Very true, they're incapable of putting themselves in anyone else's shoes. Everything is seen from their pov. In fact they they'll twist narratives to fit that view rather than assess new or difficult situations. Something I've really noticed with my mother is the ability to compartmentalise
@@bereal6590 We have been on a similar journey - to here. My family of origin were my first exposure to this battle ground. Of course they don't put themselves in anyone else's shoes, right? Those who see themselves as "conquerors" see us as "the vanquished." Narc supply. Ego fodder. And they achieve their twisted directives by weaponizing, projection, gaslighting. Regardless, our victory is ultimately guaranteed by our Authenticity, empathy and emotional maturity. Qualities and concepts that do not compute for them! Be Well and Enjoy Healthy!
Thank you Dr. Carter! Your nature always brings comfort to a very chaotic and hurtful situation.
Narcissist found another narcissist and I became a target to both.
The only person who could put a narc in their place is an even bigger narc. It's a hierarchy.
Or someone famous, impressive, etc.
That is the same way you deal with a bully which Narc's are.
I'm always "working the crowd" - now you have me thinking.
I think "working the crowd" can sometimes be the fawn response which many of us learned was necessary to gain acceptance and approval
When I told my husband that he is a narcissist, he proudly and loudly responded “I KNOW”..I think that he thought that I was complimenting him😂😂😂
About your early arrival the other day. Even computer professionals do this. I've run videos and had upside down pictures, black screens and broken equipment. Any IT person would totally identify and sympathize because it happens. You're awesome.
Bumfuzzled!! A new word for my lexicon Dr C!! 😂
It's a southern thing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism
hello from Ireland, 🖐🏻 we’ve a few of our own ( don’t ask!!😂)
@@fran23324
I’m Irish decent! Think I’ve heard them all from my Dad and his Dad. They were terrors with the English language . Every sentence has at least 4 cuss words….
I am free from my narcissistic relationship finally free falling 😊
12:27 As an aside, this was absolutely hilarious Dr. C.😂
thank you, dr. carter, for your insights. i find them most helpful.
Yes. I got rid of all drinking buddies when I became sober. They don't respect anyone who doesn't drink. They are so annoying. 😕
I Thank you for your support,i thought been there done that im over it,but being i had 2 Ex NARC This is Therpy for me,my favorite saying Single life is Beautiful ❤
Conversation with my nex always left me frustrated. We were polar opposites.
"nex" - love it!
@@mathman2170 I can't take credit for it lol. I borrowed that "word" from another comment.
I love the “nex” but he was never “my” anything apparently. It’s great shorthand!
We were polar opposites as well. At least now I know.
@@beverlystover3987 Same for me. Unfortunately I hung in there over 20 years. It took a toll.
There are no such things as Senior Moments. Just you probably being slightly more thoughtful than than your typical teenage self was. 😎
Hey Dr C! I appreciate how you use different angles to approach and try to alleviate the pain that attends some relationship dynamics. An aspect of these relationships I would like to hear you speak to is the difficulty of staying firm in one’s resolve to move on and let go when the relationship partner had a mix of good and challenging qualities - when, along with the imperious attitude, the micromanaging and control, there was also great charm and likability, and strong bonds were formed. I find myself thinking “no one is perfect, we’re all doing the best we can, maybe I should have focused on the good qualities of this person and this relationship” - a thought loop that keeps me in a painful state of limbo. We were together over two years ago-in your experience, do “the negatives”, or the more challenging tendencies and behaviors, tend to become more and more pronounced and prevalent as time goes on and the relationship becomes more established by moving in together/marriage?
Hi Dr Carter .. it's good to laugh at yourself!! I can soo relate, I'm about 7 years younger however I can definitely relate! Thank you for this excellent content, it's so important to remember that indeed we healthy survivors do NOT think like the narc! They are truly empty vessels who absolutely have an alternate reality. Thank you for ALWAYS reminding us to have a goal of PEACE. God bless you Dr C 🕊️🙌🕊️
Thanks, Julie! Have a good holiday weekend!
Dr C. your expertise & wisdom as a 'seasoned' (not old) man of integrity is something we trust & need to step up in a world going down. Your guidance has opened my eyes to a condition that I didn't know there was a diagnosis for. I was always thinking I was 'less than' & found myself in the 'dark place' you mentioned around these people.Thnks again for continuing to shed the light so we can move into a more productive, positive & peaceful life. Have a safe & enjoyable 4th 🎉.
You're a dear. Thanks for your helpful talks.❤❤❤
Thank you for your help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
Thank You Dr. Carter 🙏🏼💖 32:59
Thank you Dr Les. Your insights have very much helped me to understand my own situation and gain tools to help me respond more wisely. God bless you.
"Thanks for the feedback" was never said by any narc ever. You cannot set your expectations too low. I used to raise my hand while my narc went into a continuous rant. That really ticked them off, and called it abusive.
@@mathman2170 I would plug my ears when he would start yelling and ranting. This made him so exasperated. One needs to earn your ear , not just demand it. Kids included!!
Yet, the narcissist will call you 'selfish.'
it does sound a bit passive aggressive, I can understand why it would provoke, as would covering ears. I can understand doing it, but it only adds fuel to the fire
@@Mari-rx4 no one is allowed to yell at me except my gym trainer and a police officer.
I can hear just fine. Period.
@@beverlystover3987 plugging your ears only makes somebody yell louder, in your own words it made them "exasperated". That could really escalate a situation, walking away doesn't even give them a chance. I'm glad your hearing is fine.
Just like one of Dr Carters letter writes a narcissist in my life tried to get me to start smoking cigarettes. We were "dating" and he was a smoker but I've never been. He kept offering me cigarettes! These people have no low. I said no thank you. To him and his cigarettes smh forever.
Hey Dr.C and team healthy big huge fan your the reason I keep it together. My narc says it's unacceptable for me to enjoy the lake we live on unless she is and will also keep me up until I massage her to sleep. I know this is not healthy but she doesn't see it
They don't think like you. They look CLOSELY at you and hope to mimic your emotions and reactions. I had a 30 year marriage and business partnership with a malignant (he may have been covert first; before POWER) I have insight. some really RED flags but I was 19 when we married, and he basically raised me.
We divorced when I was 47 and I had NO IDEA how free it would be to NOT be in that toxic relationship....I was a very good supply. I am 20 years past that (with him) and Thanking the Lord that I have found real love, and found this resource for health in retrospect. It has served me to stop my instinct to be a supply for a N in my life.
"you have to be like me - you have to think like me - you have to go along in whatever and make ME feel good in my box and not feel judged" oh good grief.
He didn't raise you.. he groomed you. You were conditioned to be subservient to his control.
Happy Fourth, Dr C!
My question: is it possible to develop strong narcissistic traits later in life as a result of emotional trauma?
Happy fourth of July, the fourth will be my very own independence day too. I can't wait, bum fuzzled, that's a new one on me. Another great episode. Cheers. There may be a spectrum but honestly are any narcs actually healthy, ever.
They asked if when the narcissist moves on to a new target, will you become a “friend”? To me it sounds like they are hoping for a positive relationship. In my experience they will continue to use you, you won’t magically become “friends”.
They don't think the same. My father is a 3 year old my mother is a teen, I want to be an adult! I can't believe now how badly I was suckered, but I had no choices there was nobody else to turn to. My regret is there is no do-over. How I'd love to tell that 5 year old it's gonna be okay adult nd tell that 16 year old to concentrate on schoolwork and that 19 year old to leave the country like they thought of!✌
Thankyou Dr. C for the advice you give. Happy 4th & God Bless! 😊
You are so welcome!
Hello from the Rocky Mountains! 🏔️🏔️🏔️
Stay cool!
I hope you have a great time for the 4th of July with everyone who you celebrate with family, friends and fellow USA'ers 🙏🕊️
Lol@"USAers"....I think you mean 'Americans'.
My brother is trying to talk to me . First thing he said I should move. I said I disagree .he stabbed me in the back
One thing I've learned in my life is DNA doesn't spell family.
That's a good thing
The man I was married to tried to intimidate me into voting for his candidate of choice (this was back in Ross Perot days, dating myself…) saying I was unintelligent, unthoughtful, and was wasting my vote! Isn’t this some kind of illegal? I even campaigned for him! I was so hurt and confused. I don’t like for these comments to become a complaint-festival but it does help to know one is not alone in this type of situation. One of many anecdotes…..
We are divorced but it is for the best in most aspects.
Question: 2 or 3 years ago I put up some boundaries with my vulnerable narcissist mother. One of them is don't yell at me anymore. She did it again the other day, I pointed it out and she said "I can raise my voice if I want to!" I said "Yeah, but I'm not going to listen to it." I've talked to her only once since then. I don't want to go no contact because my brother already talks to her every day and I don't want for her to be putting too much pressure on him and abusing him either, which she will do if she can't do it to me. She's 78 so I need to be able to deal with her but I don't want to subject myself to her abuse. I can't even stand to hug her. What should I do? She once said it's normal for families to yell at each other, and I said no it's not, and she said 'You haven't even been around enough families to know!" Of course I have.
Thank you so much! Very helpful!
I left the narcissist 5 years ago and he had already had his supply hence one of the many reasons why I left. That being said he doesn't leave me alone. I have went no contact and have taken other extreme measures to escape but he still finds ways to stalk and harrass our child and I and even put a hit on my life on social media. My question is do narcissist premeditate the abuse they inflict upon others?
Yes, in the sense that they certainly plan out how to do it. But at a deeper level, their anger is so automatic, it can be a chronic habit. That's what I mean when I say they are imprisoned by their own pathology.
When I say my brother stabbed me in the back ,I mean he betrayed me
thank you
Telling someone they are gaslighting you and tell them to stop: good or not?
In my experience, NOT good. People will deny and/or rationalize, with no positive outcome.
Not good, just understand what you are dealing with and work around it in the most humble way possible. Protect yourself and make sure you don't react negatively to their childishness. Hope that helps you.
I looked up the song you sang. Great song! I’m surprised I’ve never heard it.
Do you think I should go into the music recording business?
You would probably be better than the crap they call music these days! 😊@@SurvivingNarcissism
My granddaughter is in the music business and is loving it. She only does local gigs with her husband. They both have college degrees in Music Technology and have their own studio in their home. They may never rich but they’re doing well for now. It’s a tough business.
So what do I do if I think I might be a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies?
Dear Dr. Carter, I love your livestream, and I'm so grateful for your explanations and wise advice!
I have a question:
I come from a family that's strongly narcissistic on the malign side. I've always felt that there was something very wrong with my father's siblings (he was the scapegoat), but a few years ago I had to come to terms with the fact that my aunts and uncle are sociopaths. When my grandmother and my father passed away the same year, the extreme triangulation, lying and scheming, corruption etcetera came to the forefront due to earlier embezzlement from my grandmother's inheritance that my father's siblings needed to hide. Being the target of these behaviors has left me with what I would refer to as a "narcissist allergy", as I feel physically ill when I sense narcissistic traits, attitudes and behaviours in other people, acquaintances and friends. I've now started to avoid the majority of the people I used to socialize with. I've lost a lot of trust in people in general, but I also feel that I've become almost like a living narcissist detector, as my gut feeling seems to be right about the people that make me react like this. How can I become less sensitive to narcissistic attitudes and behaviors?
❤
If you tell a narcissist what they are, wouldn't some do some research and stop the behavior? Even if it's just for the sake of ridding themselves of the negative aspects others experience/see as non-narcissistic people? Also, what is the likelihood that they'd use information on narcissism to paint their victims as the narcissist, while their narcissistic behavior get's even worse?
The narcissist isn't going to change their personality. If a narcissist wants to stop their behavior it's going to take 5-10 years of behavioral therapy to being to see if they're changing their personality. I don't have 5-10 years to wait to see if a narcissist is changing.
Most narcissists will research after you call them a 'narcissists', but it won't be to heal. It'll be to figure out how to be more covert or how to be more narcissistic. If a narcissist gets a workplace harassment class, it'll only give the narcissist ideas on how to harass people without getting into trouble. Narcissist will mostly use their research on narcissism to be more abusive.
It's like telling a skunk not to spray when it feels threatened. Narcissists do what they do. Like a leopard, they can't change their spots.
@@stevomcsteve9492 Even if a narcissist could change, who has 5-10 years to wait and see if their behavioral therapy is making a difference? I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore.
Do narssissitic parents really have no empathy or they just didn’t really want kids from the beginning?
My narcissistic parents never listened to me. If they're not listening to me, how can they have empathy? Then after not listening to me, they projected onto me by calling me 'selfish.' How can my parent have any empathy for me when I'm being ignored, projected onto, given passive aggressive answers all the time, being disagreed with all the time, told my military service was stupid, told my college education is stupid, told my job is stupid, laughed at for driving an old car, and only being given support in order to keep me around for more narcissistic supply later on? That's why I've been no contact with them for 7 years.
My biological father was a violent alcoholic who beat his wife, beat me up and burned my arm with a knife to give me a mark to remember him by. When he died at age 44, he never left a letter saying 'I'm sorry for what I did to people.'
Hey Dr C from freezinng Melbourne Australia. Thankyou for your insight and support. I was raised by then married narcissists. In the last 11 years since the end of my marriage, I seem to be a narcissist magnet. Is it the vibe I'm giving out? How do I present myself so they dont mark me? I'm feeling at the moment that loneliness might be better than trying again...
Narcissists are drawn toward friendly, helpful souls. If that's you, stay that way...but make sure you add boundaries, and go slow as you connect with people. Glad to be with you in Melbourne. I'd love to visit there sometime.
Are they "know-it-all" ???🤔
THEY THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL AND HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LEARN. THEY THINK THEY ARE PERFECT AND ACT LIKE A DOMINEERING GOD. YOU SHOULD THINK LIKE THEM AND DO WHAT THEY SAY.
And you are punished over and over again because "you know too much". Right?
Yes...and much more!
@@SurvivingNarcissism How could we ever thank you enough for all the effort you are putting in helping us? Each experience, each question or answer is a step ahead and more important away from our trauma source...
Does a narcissist feels physicall attraction to his women?
1. Separated.. When I was in it I had the bullseye.. I know that the flying monkies knew that and they knew that if I was out of the dynamic that the bullseye would go somewhere else.. Possibly them..
2. Crowd.. This is something I am still working on.. Why do I still talk to them when we are alone if they abandon me in a crowd? There is definitely a hierarchy thing going on..
3. Tell them they are a Narcissist.. I just look at it from my perspective.. This is very similar to telling an Alcoholic that they are an Alcoholic or a Druggy to tell them that they are a Druggy.. I didn't tell my mom because she was in a program but I did tell my Step-Father and that felt very good.. It was more about me admitting it to myself, God, and another human being than to try to get them to change..
4. Illegal activity.. I kind of look at it that people need drinking buddies.. I start turning this around and asking myself questions like why do I need to be friends with people like this? What is it about them that is drawing me in? What am I getting out of this?
5. Intimacy.. The context which this is talked about sounds more about who I can control rather than who I get close to..
6. Affair.. These are always messy..
❤❤❤❤
If I see now that my husband is being emotionally abused..because I recognize the abuse I endured throughout my childhood (only his is more disguised behind a covert narcissists’ mirroring of empathy &withdrawal of love), is it ok for me to “steal back” his freedom from his mom and give it to him? Is it ok for me to fight on his behalf(encouraging him to take his space in order to freely develop himself), or is that somehow wrong? I understand how I must look to everyone in the system who sees the abuse as normal, but only I am willing to detect how truly inauthentic everyone in the system is operating in fear of my covert narcissistic mother in law. Now that we’ve maintained our no contact, am I just as bad for encouraging him to stand his ground each time they reach out? That is what I’m sure they would encourage him to do were the roles reversed, and that is surely what his mother attempted to do before he chose to marry me. Am I bullying the bully, or am I rescuing the victim?
Sociopathy?? Is that how you spell it? Sociopath? I have one of these people I work with!.
Hey Dr. C! I faithfully watch and learn from your videos in a cumulative fashion so like probably most 💜of us, I can often answer my own questions...(Seriously, once you see the pattern they really are predictable little rascals...) Something I cannot figure out though and I'm curious: My elderly covert NarcMom develops a rage anytime a package is delivered (we co-own and "share" a house and neither of us drive anymore so I buy the heavy and bulky stuff online). She kinda reminds me of some sort of demented terrier. As soon as the delivery truck pulls up, she's on guard and ready to angrily swoop out and drag in whatever has been dropped. About half the time, It's something I ordered for her online (she angrily refused to learn anything at all about the digital world so she tells me what she needs and I order it). If it's heavy, she'll drag it and occasionally break it but the behavior doesn't change--even when she breaks her own stuff lol. As soon as she opens her own packages she's suddenly happy and all smiles, but again, the behavior will never change. (If the package is for me, I don't open it in front of her because I watch DR. C and know better...) Now that I've written this out, I do have a few theories: Rage that I might be getting something that she isn't???...Rage that I might be getting anything at all???...Anger that she has to ask me to place the order???...Anger @herself but directed towards me that she never learned about anything digital???...Anger that she can't just jump into her car anymore (somehow, that must be my fault)???...Anger that I am not available to drive her???...Anger that she's not in control of any of it???...Hmmm Dr. C! What do you think? Did I just join the "...Already Know the Answer Club?" Thank You and All The Best, Diva
"on guard and ready to swoop out and drag in" = fear of Porch Pirates, perhaps?
Maybe sad that she can't and /or won't do what she used to do for herself before? (often projected as anger) Your theories have high plausibility, IMO.
@@barbarakelly1916 Lol if she knew what a Porch Pirate was, she'd probably pay for them to take my stuff!
Angry because it is a heavy box and she has to drag it and at that moment it is hard to drag the heavy box and why in the world does it have to be heavy and why if I had my way it wouldn't be heavy=Not good control of emotions and just farm tired of all this hard stuff in life.
@@Ruth-ul6rw Especially since I have asked her to leave it. Often, I am right upstairs.
My husband that’s moist and it triggers me when he oh I had a dream about you on the beach walking and it triggers me because it’s not real how can I not be triggered?