We Failed Our Kid (or maybe not I guess)
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- Опубліковано 16 лип 2024
- We discussed this, we planned it...then we completely disagreed about pretty much everything. Marriage is grand. How we failed our kid...or didn't.
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Hey guys, I’m a freshman college student, so I’m one year ahead of him. But I’m living on campus right now, away from my parents for the first time ever. My parents were exactly like you guys...helicopter parents. And I relied on them to wake me up (same as Isaiah), and I procrastinated on video games like CRAZY. I got to school last minute (borderline late) every single day when I drove myself. My parents forced me into submission for my college applications and many other of Asa’s concerns applied to me as well. I was an A+ student in high school but I never experienced failure because my parents never let me. As of now, I’m doing great in college! Of course its early on, but I wake myself up every morning and get to class plenty early. I do my own laundry, keep up on homework, and still find ways to enjoy life. Asa, Isaiah will be just fine, and in many ways I see him in myself....don’t be too to worried, he will do great just as I am right now and I continue to be (I hope lol). Loved the podcast btw
well done Ben and so lovely of you to share xo
Keep up the fantastic work!!! It won’t be easy but it will be worth it!!
As a elementary teacher I see this all the time. It is important for kids to fail and learn how to solve their problem and be responsible for their things. I talk to my second graders about the importance of taking responsibility for not doing something and not to blame their parents.
I agree it teaches accountability and responsibility! It's tough to be a parent and fight the urge to step in but in the long run it pays off.
it is also something that needs to be taught and not assume that children will get this on their own
You're a great teacher, you are helping them understand personal responsibility! Well done teacher!
Tell that to my kid. Lol
An* elementary teacher 🤣🥰
Love this topic. The biggest learning point in my life was leaving school at age 15 due to mental health issues. I never really understood why my parents let me figure things out for myself. A year later after working on myself I made the decision to go back to school. Ever since then I’ve been on the honour roll with a 96% average and have had more time to figure out what I want to do and my purpose in life. Watching your videos has helped me learn that what I want to do is help others. Even tho I am doing a 5th year in high school I am more driven then ever to become a doctor and open a sensory friendly clinic with family physicians, endocrinologists, obgyns, neurologists and psychiatrists for children with special needs. Love the videos. Keep them up. You are definitely changing more lives than you think.
Congratulations and the best of luck to you!
C I would love to bring my child to your clinic!
It’s necessary to teach your kids coping skills for failure. You teach them Plan B, Plan C, Plan D and how to regroup. You don’t regroup for them. They make phone calls, they fill out forms, they talk to people, you don’t do it for them....they have to do the leg work.
So important...our oldest graduated last year. We didn't make phone calls for him or arrange things for him after junior year so he would get comfortable actually talking on the phone to people and scheduling things for himself or getting information from people for things he needed to know. It helped him mature immensely, he makes his own appointments for all things for example tire changes, oil changes, interviews, etc. You do your kids a HUGE service by telling them what they need to do and letting them figure it out.
As a teacher, I love when parents and students talk about their life outside of school. It helps me to react to different behaviors. Isiaiah is a great kid. He is so mature. I think he understands failing and succeeding more than you know.
Isaiah is such a mature, caring, fun and loving young man and I think y’all have done an excellent job with him and Abbie.
I think an important thing with failing is you learn how to fail. I was a straight A kid with Advanced Honors diploma and now go to an Honors College. I never failed, my parents did everything for me not to fail. But once you get to a point where you're so used to constantly "succeeding" you're afraid to fail. You don't know how to. Sometimes I even avoided taking risks and step out of my comfort zones so that I avoided failing. Once I failed I stepped out more and took more advantage of the world because I wasn't failing. I also learned the importance of succeeding, and became more self-dependent. Situations actually became more valuable to me because I succeeded. I worked hard for it because I wanted to rather than having to for my parents.
I agree with both of you and BOTH of your upbringings. My dad passed away when I was 8 and I didnt have that OTHER persons perspective, my mom TRIED to do both, but it turned into more of a sheltered/bailed out life than Balanced. Abbie and Isaiah REALLY has the BEST case scenario with BOTH of you ♡ I love your family and your bickering lol
I'm from the same background. My dad died when I was 11 and my mom nearly killed herself trying to be all things for her three kids. It was especially tough with my health issues and behavioral problems. It led to some brutal fights and left us both with some regrets. All she ever wanted to do was make sure I didn't get left behind and all I wanted was to be allowed to be myself (school here tries hard to make everyone fit the same mold). I always knew that she loved us fiercely though. Never doubted that. But staying up all night to do my forgotten projects for me didn't do me any favors.
Asa....bro, if he’s just eating noodles for the first times a couple years ago...dude literally the only thing you have to worry about him failing at is, knowing how to make college struggle meals 😂😂😂
Cilla will not allow him to fail. That’s why she’s not worried.
Omg ahahahaha "I wake you up too" Asa's face 😂😂😂. Priscilla is so positive (like me) and then Asa is a 'realist' (like my husband)....its amazing. This is fantastic.
I remember dropping my daughter off on her 18th birthday to go to university.. three years after she came home she told me that was the saddest day of her life. the day we left her she felt abandoned😢 and not ready but it also was the best thing we ever did.because she had to do those things on her own she had to figure it out. she is 23 and she’s going for her masters in social work she has two more years and I’ve never been prouder. you guys are great parents and everything‘s gonna turn out great. you got a son who has his head on his shoulders he knows what’s up he will be just fine!❤️❤️❤️ but at the same time we’re parents so we never want our kids sad or feeling lonely. And now my son who is in a wheelchair just moved out on his own he was in an accident three years ago right after he graduated right before his 18th birthday is heading off to college so imagine that!! I am so very proud of him he has shown me that just because he’s paralyzed does not mean his life stops.❤️❤️ his dad is just like You always worried. PS I always like your videos before I even watch them😆
congratulations you seem like an amazing mom!!!
Get Isiah an alarm clock and stop waking him up but first explain to him this will be you backing off. He is to learn to be responsible for this part of his life. But it will only work if both of you comment to do nothing to rescue him if he fail. No helping him wake up by banging pans at his door. Driving him to places to make up loss time. Also prepare him for college by making him responsible for when his homework needs to be done, and he will be turning papers or deal with the conquest. You will be there to talk it through and love him. Understand he will only learn by going through his mistakes. HE KNOWS YOU LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN. I love you guys
You two are so real, I think my husband and I raised our kids in the same way. I love your topics and how you speak about the choices you make. Parents learn by experiences, so keep doing what you are doing. Very smart parenting! Just let Isaiah know which ever college he chooses to be involved and not be afraid to asking for help when needed. The more involved in the school you are the more contacts you will have when a problem arises. Isaiah is a very kind and smart kid, he will be successful in his future. I love your channel and how much you are educating your viewers how to handle having a little different than normal family challenge.👍🦋
You guys are so awesome and your voices sound like radio peoples voices 💖 it! I was failed in school and still am being failed. I’m 33 years old and still trying to get answers as to what all is wrong with me. My 1yr olds pediatrician said he may have fragile x. Trying so hard not to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out but I just keep telling myself I have to stay strong for us both and you guys always pop up in my head how calm and loving you are and I strive harder everyday to be more patience/calmer/understanding all because of you all, I just want to let you know how inspiring and helpful your videos are, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
Failing at something is a part of life. Not letting your child fail is going to set them up for major disappointment when they do fail for the first time. Dont shield your child from the real world at some point in life they will fail
Yep. 30 yr old son still living at home, no savings. And his dad (My husband) still "rescuing" him. 😱
Hi guys! I’ve been watching your channel for about a year now. I just happened upon some of your videos on Facebook, and having no family or direct ties to autism, watching life with an autistic child was very interesting. Since then, I’ve come to love your family and watch every morning before work and every day after work. This is easily one of my FAVORITE videos! Just the way you realize you are both on different pages is very real and I love it! My boyfriend was brought up with “helicopter parents” and never allowed to fail. I, on the other hand, have been left at home for my own basketball game, my dad went and left me at home, because I was not ready on time and was not organized. I have never been late again. I was brought up with tough love, I “failed” daily. My boyfriend was, in my eyes, “babied” and we both turned out as college graduates, successful in our fields. The only big difference is I tend to anticipate and plan for failures a lot more than he does, so when it happens, there’s a back up plan ready to go.
Sorry for the long comment, you both are great, keep doing what you are doing!
" i wake you up too" the complete sass I love it
LOVE THE CONTENT GUYS.........JUST GOTTA ASK, DOES ASA TURN ON HIS DJ VOICE FOR THESE PODCASTS? MAYBE IT IS A DIFFERENT MIC BUT HIS VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT, MORE INTENSE MAYBE? DEEPER VOICE? DOES ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS OR AM I IN LEFT FIELD?
Ya, is because he's talking into mic. Usually just hear him through video audio .
It's the microphone. It's way more sensitive than a standard on board mic.
OMG...love you guys even more after this podcast. You all are terrific parents and you definitely balance each other out. My husband and I sometimes have different parenting styles. He’s tougher and I was a little more of a helicopter parent but we balanced each other out. My oldest son is now in his 2nd year of college in NY and he has actually thanked us for being the parents that we were. He stated that he can be independent and figure things out on his own and has actually helped out his suite mates who were struggling and had to call their parents for advice on every little thing. I know Isaiah will do great because you have given him such a strong foundation and there is nothing that feels better than your kid telling you how well they are doing and thanking you❤️❤️❤️
Asa please read this! My oldest son is in junior in college, he was ins all the gifted classes, graduated 1st in his class and has also been a caregiver to his 13 year old nonverbal autistic brother. He is the most wonderful loving amazing son, and he did great in college. He missed us terribly which is touching for me but academically he did great. ASA AND PRISCILLA YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY! You raised a wonderful son!
My parents didn’t ever “let me fail”, if I failed it was on me. They gave me the freedom to choose to fail or not. But never ever a (insert air Z here) “lesson learned” moment that wasn’t all my own. I think you give Isaiah the same.
Hi guys, I love your family and watch at the content you create. I have an 8 year old child with what I suspect as ARFID and I am at the start of a long battle trying to get the help he needs. Your family, passion and the fighting you do for Abbie and Autism is so inspiring and honestly the only way I get through on a daily basis. Thank you.
This podcast is one of the best! I think it's great that you had a very different outlook! I understood where you both were coming from.
I am sure that Isaiah will do just fine in college 😁♥️
It starts with a bad attitude. If parents fix everything for their kids they never learn to be responsible. Prizes for participation and this whole mentality of not letting our kids deal with reality is very harmful. Let them face reality. Let them deal with the consequences of their mistakes. Some learn faster than others.
I failed English half way through Year 9. It was embarrassing. It’s not that I wasn’t capable, quite the opposite, I was bored and didn’t see the point. My parents helped me get a grasp on why I didn’t do homework, and how I could improve my grades. They didn’t hound me to do homework, but would remind me of the consequences of not doing it. I passed at the end of the year with straight A’s. I continued to have some issues for the remainder of school, but learnt in my final year (where it was studying rather than homework assignments) that I could be efficient and learn all I needed to know in class. I only ‘studied’ a week prior to final exams, just to catch myself up on the years work. The point is, it’s okay to fail, it’s how you guide someone back from that, and also, they may find ways that work best for them that isn’t what you think would work best in the situation. I would have been utterly miserable and stressed had I studied day in and day out. I got A’s and A+’s for all my exams. Let them figure out what works best for them, just give them guidance on what has worked for you, and other ways that could work. It’s up to them to take the leap.
I think Asa is worried about Isaiah having a breakdown in college. It's going to happen, not as bad as what Asa is probably imagining, and he will have to deal with it and he will. Isaiah is not dumb, clearly. He will get through it and he loves you guys, and wants to make him proud. So he won't fail out because he knows he has to do well. Just keep the pressure on watching his grades but stop doing everything else for him like waking him up for school. But remember, he will have things happen like forgetting a notebook to class and he will have to deal with it in college, and it will be fine.
Love y’all so much! I can’t count how many times I’ve randomly thought about the jerkface that called CPS and instant fury happens! Thank you for all you do, autism isn’t a part of my circle so you’ll have thought me so much. My 4 year old granddaughter asks to watch Abbie and “Pilla” 💜
You don't have to let them fail to prepare them to deal with it. If you have raised them right, they will know right from wrong. My issue with letting them fail is that everything is so competitive now you almost can't.
I have just graduated from an online BA of Fine Arts. It took me 9 years (because of my caring duties I had to take breaks). I’ve failed entire classes. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep. While its not entirely the same thing, the hardest thing about failing is telling others you failed. I had to constantly remind myself that the degree was mine and no one else’s business. I’ve nearly quit dozens of times. But I did it as a single mum with a medically fragile child. I had to face divorce, extended picu stays, my son had 2 open heart surgeries. I got sick with an auto immune disease as well. But hey I did it! If I can do it your son can do it to. Don’t worry about him failing, it’ll make him so much stronger. What you can do is tell him before he goes to college, ‘it’s ok if you fail sometimes.’ The hardest thing is to tell others you’ve failed...
I have 2 wonderful sons. I was exactly the same. I cushioned their whole life,I absolutely never let them fail.
They are now 36yrs and 33yrs and are successful,independent,loving young men. To many positives to add,but you understand what I mean. They are both outgoing,social people able to visit with folks no matter where they go. Don’t worry so much I understand,but it all works out I promise. I promise!! 💙 I look to your videos for positive outlooks on our everyday lives. See you in tomorrow’s video!!🙋♀️😊🌦
I enjoy seeing the discourse between you two. This content is so raw and realistic. I think you have set a great example of how to love one another and work hard in life. That’s all Isaiah needs to overcome any “failures” in his life. 👍🏻
I COMPLETELY agree. If they are pressured to only succeed all the time, then when they do fail in the future, they won't be or may not be able to cope with it.. Kids are funny. I remember taking my nephew to the grocery was putting cereal in the care and didn't want the kindi picked out. I had picked life cereal so he started to have a little tantrum and crying " I hate life"! So funny😅😅
First time commenter, long time subscriber, Asa you taught how to persevere when mistakes are made. Do what we can when things go badly. That is a lesson that not all kids who are allowed to fail learn, they often learn to through their hands up and beat themselves up for failing.
So fun watching you guys. I have four boys (17,16,11,10). It's hard to let my kids fail. I am not a big stickler about school and grades. Honestly in school I didn't have to be pushed I liked being successful so it's hard for me to figure out how to make my kids want that. I do run things to school for my oldest often. Pretty sure people in the office know to expect me once a week. My second son refused to do work. He would not turn anything in. I tried grounding, taking things away. Literally 3 months he went to school and back home, lost his phone. He didn't care. Finally I just pulled him out to homeschool. I figured the rate he was going he would eventually drop out and I didn't want that. So I kinda let them fail but eventually I know I have to step in if they don't get it together. Raising teenagers is hard! At the end talking about staying together. My husband and I got married when I was 18. I got pregnant a month later. Boy have we went through hard times. Now I believe each of us are scared at the thought of raising our rambunctious boys alone, LOL. So we are in it for the long haul.
This is a great podcast! It’s hard to know when to draw the line between supporting them and doing too much for them, making life harder in the long run.
Yall are such amazing parents. I actually found yall on Facebook. And I just now subscribed to yall on UA-cam lol. But, me and my whole family loves yall. 😘 keep on being awesome...
I am a junior in college and last semester I failed my anatomy lab. That meant I had to retake the lab and the lecture (even though I originally passed the lecture). I was devastated. I worked so hard in lecture and I knew I was struggling in lab. However, I didn’t know I’d end up failing all of it!
60% of the anatomy students end up failing (bc of lab). 30% try again (like me), 15% drop out of college completely, and the other 15% change majors. Before this, I’ve kept an A/B average all through my schooling, even in college (I have some learning disabilities). I still get really upset if I think about my anatomy experience from last semester.
But it’s only making me try harder this semester.
Luckily, my parents are my number one support group. They cried when I failed as well as me and my fiancé. Some college courses are tough, but honestly I feel like if the student was raised to not give up no matter what (I was), then IF Isaiah would end up failing, he’d get back up and try again!
One thing I tell my preschoolers I would rather you try and fail then not try at all... because if you try and fail it shows me you’re willing to learn.
Letting them fail is part of life. My parents let me fail and were there to pick me up. They let my brother fail as well. My mom was amazing and I miss her everyday❤️
Asa my parents were like yours with my brother...like ok you want to figure out how tough the world is here you go. He learned realll quick how hard things are. It took him becoming a dad to his stepdaughter to really grow up.
Isaiah is a great kid he’ll fail I’m sure but you’ve done your job and he’ll figure it out. You cannot prepare him for things though no matter what... he’ll be ok.
This was the realest. I love your transparency. Thank you for sharing!
It was actually really good, hearing you guys struggle with this topic. As a single parent, I have the exact same disagreements that come and go within myself.
Okay....this is one of my favs so far!! You are both great parents... balancing each other out! I laughed and talked to the screen like crazy.
Yay! You used my jingle 🤗 Thanks a lot!
Also, I find it really great to see how both of you are in an “argument”. It shows that it’s totally normal to disagree sometimes and you can still be happily together if you don’t force your feelings on the other person, but just talk about it :)
Awesome jingle!😊
Julia thank you! :D
My parents were the opposite of helicopter parents. They pretty much dropped me off on campus (2 hrs away) and only saw me when the dorms closed for holidays. I was the second to go to school after my sister, but they were pretty much the same with her. College changed me into a better person. Not because I was a better student there than I was in high school...but because it gradually teaches kids independence and life skills. You typically go from home to a dorm life to a shared apartment/house in a way that feels natural. You learn that friends don't always make the best roommates, that surviving as an adult is not as cheap or easy as you imagined, and that only you can control your own destiny. Learning to fail at college is great because you fall in that lovely gray zone between supported and independent, so as you struggle and strive and succeed, it becomes your sense of self.
I worry far more about how our household dynamics will change when my oldest son goes to college (luckily, I have 8 years before that happens).
I grew up the same way and was also in the IB program; I promise that being in the IB program is a HUUUGE advantage going into college. I didn’t even realize a change in workload or stress in college. IB works you so hard that college almost seems relaxed. He will be just fine :)
By you guys helping him in situations you've helped him find the skills to cope when hes on his own. Letting him choose to go the that high school was potentially setting him up to fail but you've kept on him and have tried instilling in him that its important. You guys are so much like me and my husband I love these podcasts cause its stuff you wouldn't normally cover in a vlog.
Wow. Such an eye-opening podcast! I love that you two come to the same result from two completely different directions. You truly do complete one another! ❤️✌🏼🙂
Great Podcast! You two have great communication skills, even when you go into a conversation without discussing the issues completely.
I was a gifted student with zero social ability. Neither of those were addressed at home. My report cards weren't celebrated because it was just assumed that I did well. I think that's a flip side of "failing" your kids. Sometimes parents "fail" with complacency. Just from my perspective, if I had parents like you, I would have pushed harder and gotten ahead. Instead, I gave up in a lot of ways. Nobody was encouraging me to go further because the adults in my life thought it was "enough". I never even considered applying for college. I was an adult long before I graduated high school. For a plethora of reasons but the lack of guidance being the main reason. In my adult years, that has been a good lesson, albeit one that didnt click until I became a parent. We celebrate everything. I'm often told I fail my kid by being TOO involved, too in the moment, too coddling. You two are amazing parents. I don't say that as a youtube fangirl. I truly admire you both and I dreamed of having parents like you. Isaiah and Abbie are amazing kids.
Let me tell you...my mom was very much so like Priscilla. She is my best friend til this day. However, she did everything for me..she cleaned my room, made my bed, cooked for me, made excuses for me. She overcompensated for what my dad did & didn't do if that makes sense. I fought a lot with my dad but now as an adult, I thank him for getting me where I am today. He did not put up with my nonsense. He would openly agree with the teachers for failing me. He has kicked me out of the house (rightfully so lol), he let me know that I was going to make my own decisions..and I did. Unfortunately it took me awhile. They paid my entire way through college and I ended up failing. Luckily, I went back and completed my degree as an RN and now I'm going back again to further my degree. You have a great kid on your hands. Give him the space & trust him. You'll find yourself surprised I think. 😊
I have run assignments , lunches, costumes, money and other things to my kids but really got strict about it in HS. They HAD to have something. I think as they get older they need increasing amounts independence. I actually never checked my youngest sons report card his Jr and Sr year. I just trusted that he was doing his homework and he always did well. He's in college now and is coping really well. I'm really enjoying this vlog! Even though this is a serious subject you guys are a hoot to watch. I love your family.
Wow I love how you guys communicate. You had a full blown argument and then just laughed it off. So good
You didn’t fail isiah. You are awesome parents. His forgetfulness is just being a boy. Things important to you are not important to him. He’s his own individual.
It's not the forgetfulness or any other kid related stuff. That's obviously universal. My only concern is how he will handle his first semi-major failure because he hasn't had to deal with that before.
FatheringAutism I’m a school social worker and would offer a different perspective. Don’t underestimate what he has learned by observation, you have taught him to be patient, kind and to try again if something doesn’t work out. There is a balance for allowing kids to learn from their mistakes, but that doesn’t mean they need to full out fail. I’ve seen far too many kids stop trying because they’ve been left to “figure it out”. You are teaching him very valuable life lessons that he can draw from and bounce back should he have a setback. You are great, involved, supportive parents and he will grow knowing you love and support him
@@fatheringautism and you are saying let him...which is perfect...but dont set him up for that with your words...he may not. Prayer helps...and positivity...Isaiah will succeed period.
I loved this podcast. It was nice to see both of you share differing views, yet in many areas you guys agree. Isaiah is an amazing young man and I believe he is going to do awesome in college!!!
You ABSOLUTELY have to let them fail or else they really may not cope in the future to harder things than grades.
Hey, I am a senior in college this year and my parents had the same concerns. I am the most forgetful person on this earth. There have been millions of times in college that I have forgotten this or failed that and I have learned that it’s not the end of the world. It will be okay and I am graduating this spring with a degree in special education. He is going to do great!
I had my parents for everything! They were my best friends. I moved 6 hours away for college knowing absolute nobody to the city I moved to and I was also unit even of age yet. September baby going to college at 17!
I absolutely failed at things! There were moments I called my parents pleading them to let me come home. And it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Failing is a huge part of the journey but everything will be okay. ♥️ Praying for you Asa , Priscilla and Isaiah. You are going to do amazing in this next step!
Love the way you two look at each other! Great podcast. This is probably trite, but I feel you can't fail your kids because you love each other and work together to be great parents. Thanks!
I feel like this goes along the lines as everyone is a winner, everyone gets a trophy. Those small fails, or losses make us better understand the big ones when they happen. I have never gotten in major trouble with the law due to my brothers always being in trouble. I did fail school, and found out that if I didn't do better my mom wasnt going to let me go away for college. But I also dropped out of college due to working multiple jobs and living on my own. Life is hard an sometimes we have to fail. My father has always told me I wasnt going to achieve my career and finally 10 years into my career he finally told me he was glad I did what I want to do. I worked a summer with my mom in a factory in high school and I said I would never want to be in a factory job. It was not a fail but a place I never wanted to be in again. Being married and having a family is the life I'm in now and it's not easy, we have had some tough times and we as a family have called on our parents to help us. Being there for help isn't a bad thing but always saving them is the bad thing. You have to allow him to stand on his own to feet at some point.
He will do great and when the time comes mom and dad are a phone call away to help him in the right direction..
I would really like some vlogs centered around making sure isaiah prepared for college/independence and I think it would help Asa feel less anxious about it too. Like once a month giving him a grocery budget and having him prepare food, or just having a few college friendly triple p episodes that he can help with. Just making sure he knows how to properly wash dishes, do laundry, change a tire, jump start a car. Or just stuff like doing basic home repairs or basic first aid. I know he probably already knows how to do a lot of that because y'all are phenomenal parents but I feel like it would give you peace of mind and it could also help people who don't have parents who helped teach them those things or who are struggling with their own independence.
Our local high school had a class called "living on your own" that is a required class senior year. Its was the best class and all kids should have to take something like it.
My son is going to be 4 in January so I’m not quite there yet but I definitely see what you’re saying Asa. Like you said though, parents these days aren’t doing that. I think the different opinions are just a conflict between your traditional upbringing and the evolution that’s happened in your 20 years together. It’s a great evolution, old fashioned isn’t all bad, but now we know better so we do better. That’s why you two are such great people and parents together. Things have changed so much since Isaiah was born especially, it’s a different world now. I don’t think you should stress like Priscilla was saying, you’ve proven to adapt and overcome throughout so many phases of life, you guys are seasoned vets at life and its always been okay no matter how hard it’s been, it always will be okay no matter what could be. That’s why you’re such an inspiration for people watching your life on UA-cam. You embody all the important morals while navigating the world we live in now.
"Babe do you know how much crap you put up with" 😂 I just died laughing, that was the sweetest thing ever. You guys give me so much hope for love. (Sorry I keep commenting so much)
I see where both sides are coming from! My mom was very sheltering, my father was more of go live and experience life... my junior year a rolled my car and i thought my life was over, you never know how one is gonna react until the situation happens! NO ONE Fails its lessons learned! My first semester into college i found out i was pregnant my mom thought she failed and my dad said you maybe only 19 but you still have to strive! I have to take a semester off but i will go back! He will do great and you have to have faith if he is in a sticky situation he will call and seek advice, he wont always look for you to come fix it
I’m not sure if this is helpful for y’all or anyone reading... but this is just my experience. My older brother is on the spectrum so I relate to Isaiah’s position as both as sibling and a third care giver role. My parents always put so much pressure on me to succeed but it got to the point it felt easier to lie to them about school than to ask for their help. I went to college halfway across the country right out of high school and I totally flunked my first year. Fast forward a few years I’m at a school closer to home where I have a great support system and got help with my severe executive functioning issues due to undiagnosed ADHD. My advice to you guys as parents supporting Isaiahs higher education is opening lines of honest communication where its not about how well he’s doing in school but HOW he’s doing in general. Be that support net for him to help him up when he falls not the driving force pushing him to move forward, because ultimately he has to find his own drive. The majority of people I talk to at college/university level who excel have long term academic and career goals. Likewise, a lot of people I meet that are struggling are in higher education are in it because they want to make their parents happy or they think a college degree will secure their future but aren’t genuinely passionate about a certain potential career field. Hope this helps in some way!
It can be a fine line and sometimes difficult to balance. You want to make sure they aren't afraid to come to you with problems. I just think it necessary for them to fail sometimes. Im with you Asa.
I’m 22 years old, getting married in 19 days, traveled the country with my fiancé and we own our own vehicles, home, camper, and pay my phone bill and my parents still track my phone. You can still do that, just keep boundaries
I love these podcasts you guys are amazing, my parents were old school my mum took care of my dad, me and my partner i like to think we are 50/50 but he definitely takes care of me, he's by my side when i ride the struggle bus due to my mental health ♥
This is the first time you guys have argued/disagreed and honestly it's refreshing ❤️
Isaiah is so charismatic, so well spoken, such a genuinely nice person. I just love him!!! He's going to do so many amazing things in his lifetime. You must be very proud of him!!!
Went to an Ivy League college and witnessed many peers unable to hack it due to a lack of resilience. Many were valedictorians from smaller public schools who had never failed in their entire lives. Many ended up not graduating and I saw many move back home with their parents in the end. Their first few failures spiraled into despair and shock. Not allowing a child to fail is doing them a disservice. That is how they learn to cope and get back up again. Failure is a gift!
It's amazing to see the different point of view. I am in college now. I remember feeling the same as the way you mentioned during my high school years. But, now in my bachelor's program I am able to do pretty well in my courses. And I am definitely feeling much better academically than I felt at school. Pretty sure Isaiah has an amazing path ahead, definitely both your view points will be of great help to.him! :)
Great podcast! Every marriage is different!! Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts!!
I see both sides on this topic.. having some of the same family dynamics as you guys, this has, and I think will always be, a 2 way street type of view. The great thing is you guys both see the same outcome in the end! You are both such great parents and your kids are such great examples of that! 💙
my husband and I are 50/50 people too. He helps with laundry, cleaning etc. We have been together for 19 years....married 15 of those years. :D We are like you two.....we put up with each other and still love each other unconditionally.
Asa I understand what you are saying. I was heavily sheltered from failures growing up. When I entered the real world, and was suddenly responsible for my own time management, decision making, grade tracking, choices, etc., without my parents constant pushing and reminding, Combined with small day to day “failures” like forgetting a paper that’s due and having to take the zero grade, when in the past my parents would have rushed it into school for me so I didn’t get a zero. It was a shock for me when I left the nest. If you constantly “save” your kids from feeling any disappointment or failures growing up then they won’t have coping skills when they enter the “real world”. Ideally, you let them start to develop those coping skills during high school where they still have the protection of the nest to guide them while they learn those skills. I also see Priscilla’s internal struggle because Mom’s instinct is that they don’t ever want to sit back and watch their kid struggle when they know they could just jump in and fix it quickly and everyone feel better.
You guys have a Ying and Yang relationship or at least that's what I like to call it. My boyfriend and I do as well and it's like your both so different but in ways that balances each other out. It's unique and enjoyable. I'm not a parent but this was entertaining and gave me some thought. I feel like I understand what Asa is trying to say about society not letting kids fail. It doesn't, honest and true. My boyfriends daughter has been doing pretty bad at school. She lacks the motivation and doesn't even try any where as near as hard as she could be. Her grades at the end of the year, last year were really bad and she should have been held back a year yet they passed her into HighSchool and into classes that are above what she was learning. If she wasn't understanding it then why do they think she'll be okay in classes that are harder? Well, they didn't want her to fail. They dumb down classes and make things easier and when the kid still doesn't get it they still let them move on. It's so frustrating. By not failing you don't really learn and going out into the real world where things do NOT always go according to plan can be a huge mental hit to someone that hasn't failed and doesn't know how to deal with it and move on with the situation.
Haha....that’s funny you guys brought up the topic of kids failing.....I have a 16 year old son who has some problems....public school was horrible as they basically just housed him and ugh don’t get me started....he’s now in grade 11 and last year failed 2 courses...he didn’t fail because he couldn’t do it...he failed due to not handing and finishing his work (because he was never ‘expected to do anything). When he failed I was kinda happy because now he knows there are consequences for his behaviour and that he can’t just sit there and not do anything...now he gets it and is working hard to pass each course ☺️. He’s even reading out loud in class which is something none of us pictured he would do! Do we still have work to do with him....absolutely! But now he’s a bit more prepared for life 🤫
I feel as a society in today’s world a lot more parent have became helicopter parents. I am similar to Asa, where my parents let me fail. Now I feel like I do everything I can do to set my child up for success, because I want him to do better than me. But I’m trying my best that he is is own person and will figure out his path in life, because his isn’t the same as mine was. I will say this, I know people who had helicopter parent and graduated along side me at my university, so it very dependent on how the person overcomes struggles and navigates there own path to success. Y’all are great parents because you care! Loved seeing you guys work through this my talking, even seeing different sides.
Now y’all got me and my husband have a big debate on this subject 😆
Your both always very insightful :)
Honours Degree final year student over here in Scotland. I was allowed to fail if I didn't do my work as a child. I still failed at uni and dropped out. However failure at uni/college is very different to failure at school regardless of how you were brought up. I have friends who weren't allowed to fail and have dropped out too. its more about the person. Once I realised failure isn't actually failure unless you give up trying, I put on my big girl pants and went back and have 7 months left of a 5 year degree. Sometimes failing is the thing that pushes you forward.
I have 3 kids, one a senior in college, a sophomore, and a 6th grader. The oldest struggled some at school but is hanging in there. The two younger are responsible for getting themselves up and ready for the bus. They get one bailout pass per semester with an I forgot that needs an emergency drop off at school. If it’s too big for the bus, or awkward and we plan in advance to help get that to school doesn’t count. It’s painful when you can make it easily right, but it’s easier to struggle in middle or high school when, the consequences are important but not as serious as college.
School for me was super awkward and weird because I was diagnosed with ADHD and they were so bully with me! No just the kids, the teachers to! And that was bad for my self esteem, so I strangle a lot! Them I become a preschool teacher and I tried to learn as much is possible for the well-being of the kids! Your are being for me so great and every video you guys teach me a lot! Thank you for that! 🤗🤗🇨🇷🇨🇷
So I have to say I love your pod casts they are very real. I love how you both keep it real. My husband is alot like Asa which makes me smile.
Great podcast, It is nice to see how you end the podcast, I was thinking failure is not the only way to build character, ....he /Isiah has learned strong characteristics watching the both of you raise Abby, and be apart of that as well, in another video Isiah shares that the best thing is to have is unconditional love for her,/Abby that is an amazing enlightenment at such a young age, I believe “If” anything ever arises for him he has the character to handle it, and a great support system, not a bail out team, a loving and caring family.
Year7 mum here. First time my son has ever experienced failure. Used to getting As and Bs with no study. Told me he was ok - didn’t need to study. Failed two tests. He was devastated. Now I helicopter again and the grades are going up. But wow! He sounds so much like Isaiah!! Dad feels like Asa. 😝
First, thank you for centering the fathering autism sign behind you! Second, this is by far my favorite podcast!!! I love the raw honesty with you guys disagreeing about failing. I agree with Asa, kids need to learn how to cope with small failures in life to learn how to handle large ones as an adult. He will be fine, Asa, once he realizes Cilla is not there to rescue him he will man up and take care of business....he’s too smart not to.
WOW. As a student, it is your responsibility to make sure you take care of the things you are responsible. As parents we are responsible to guide/steer our children in the right direction and be there when they fall. Our job is to be there to dust them off when they fail. If you do step in, as a student/child, we feel like our parents don't trust us to be an adult. I was an Isiash. I was rode hard thru 12 years of private and when I went away to college, I went crazy with the freedom I never had and I fell hard. And Priscilla, yes there are parents who allow their children to fail. When my step children took Brach's candy without paying, I took them to manager and had the cops called and then cuffed and driven to the station. And the thought that he will learn to adult magically when he gets to college, is so far off. We can't rescue our children all the time, because he will never learn how to solve a problem. My Mom made us deal with the repercussions of our actions or inaction..
I used to work doing literacy intervention for elementary students and paired students with volunteers and everyday I saw tutors “help” students when they didn’t know the answer by basically giving them the answer. For example if a kid didn’t know a word they would just say it instead of asking the kid to sound it out By doing this they weren’t empowering or serving the students. It was hard for me to get out of that habit too because it’s natural! You have to guide them to figure it out on their own. Similar to prompting with Abby. For example if Isaiah doesn’t know where the financial aid office is or doesn’t understand his financial aid ... full promoting would be taking him there and talking to the people for him, minimal prompting would be asking him if he asked a friend where it is or if he has googled it or asking him what questions he thinks he should ask or asking if he has talked to a counselor
As far as college I would definitely recommend taking the minimum amount of classes, even part time but most don’t because of financial aid
I also saw a video on UA-cam about things you learn in your 20s and one was “it’s not a mistake if you didn’t know better”
I think that’s so important for kids AND parents to remember!
It's really important to fail I feel like in college. I remember the first test I've every failed and calling my mom crying saying I'm going to drop out. It was hard and she told me to keep going. I look back at that fa as such a learning experience. I started going into office hours and studying harder than I did in highschool because it's not like highschool where you might pass without studying once. That hard fail taught me to work harder at college. I also look back at it as a its okay to fail because I still am going and I'm still going. It makes failing again a bit less scary because I knew I could try again and get back up. So I don't call it failing, I like to call it learning.
As someone who was quite sheltered when I started college, and had gotten more or less As throughout middle school and high school, and failed a class my first year of college (and my second, and my third, because learning to be disciplined with studying when not everything is easy takes a while, and yet I still graduated with a master's degree, a thesis that got an A and a B average)… I don't think somehow failing earlier would have prepared me for that. I was just a kid who had had a fairly easy life up until then. I did well in school, my parents woke me up in the morning and made me lunch, we were solidly middle class and doing fine. I've failed plenty since then, and I learned how to deal with that and am still learning at the age of 30. College is for growing up and becoming an adult, as well as getting an education. You don't have to be perfectly formed by the time you go into college. If you fail, you seek support from people and you learn how to cope - like you would when you were younger, except your parents may be a phone call away instead of in the same house.
My parents allowed me to fail occasionally in middle school which in turn I was prepared for high school problem. My dad was asa to a T lol, and my mom was more or a softy. I use to hold resentment towards them for allowing to fail at many thing, now I realize it was just prep for life and wouldn't want it any other way now. He will appreciate as he gets older, and wouldn't trade his up bringing for anything. U guys did great!😁
Hi guys, it is always hard to decide what's the right thing to do. Some Kids helps to deal with or handle their failures on their own. But for other Kids is much more helpful to know they have unconditional support from their parents, and this will build the self confidence they need for the future self management of their failures. But as a parent you just can do your best and be ready to let slowly but surely your little birds fly on their own. Just be there if they fail and help them try again without much of a judgement.
Anyways I'm sure both Isaiah and Abby will do great.
Totally agree, we do too much for our kids, our eldest has struggled in maths this year. She has learned that I need to work harder to get a better result. I don’t run back to school for lunches that are forgotten. They learn!
I get what your getting at
My husband fail his first time (an professional exam) at 23 and didn't know what to do and had a full toddler breakdown in the middle of London. I know what your saying whereas I wasn't someone who always passed so I knew failure wasn't the worst thing.
I have also heard a saying "if you haven't failed your not trying hard enough"
so i talk to isaiah on instagram and he is really such a positive person! he really is amazing!!
I get where you both are coming from. I must admit, I lean toward Asa's line of thinking of how we need to let children fail, but I actually parented more like Priscilla's line of thinking (I mean, hey, it is easier said than done, right?) This reminds me of a TedTalk I watched called "5 dangerous things you should let your kids do: Gever Tulley at TedXMidwest." It is more about safety and how we try protecting our kids too much, but I feel it is roughly the same concept of letting them experience things so they learn from those experiences. It runs about 10 minutes long, so if you get a chance, you should watch it. (I think he later wrote a book on the topic).
You asked to comment on taking things to school for our kids if they’ve left them. We have 4 kids, 17 years down to 10 and we do NOT make the drive all over town to deliver things our kids have forgotten to school. If they forget it, they pay the consequences...then the next time they won’t forget. That also goes with lunch. 🥴(Don’t hate us, Pricillla) We will do anything for our kids, but we also have to teach. You two are doing an amazing job and obviously balancing each other out. Btw: keep up that amazing attitude towards marriage! Love seeing you two together! An example to so many!
Best podcast ive seen soo far!! Amazing couple lol
As an adult of parent who didn’t want to see us fail or hurt! I understand where both are coming from. I think it’s ok to let them know that sometimes you fail, sometimes you get thrown a curveball in life. You can always call us. We will help when we can even if it’s just to listen. It’s how you react to those failures and curveballs. You either let it tear you down and dictate the rest of your life or learn from it move on and let it motivate you to change things. However as your parents we are always here but can’t always do something to alter it sometimes you have to take things in your own hands. We learn we move on and become better adults for it.
Isaiah is so much like Asa, he knows what to be afraid of. He's not you, and he won't necessarily make the same mistakes. My mom rescued me plenty. Running me back to school for books I forgot, staying up late to help with my homework because I procrastinated and HATED it. (she would type my papers, but not write them for me.) The summer before high school, it clicked. Even though she rescued me, the way those situations made me feel was enough for me to want to avoid them. I think we can prepare kids for reasonable failures and independence, but sometimes life will throw them something that there's no preparing for. All you can do then is be there for them. I do think it's slightly different for those with disabilities, because there's a difference between letting them have natural consequences for behaviors they choose, and not properly accommodating for things that are outside their control.