Managing the PITY you feel for the AGING NARCISSIST
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Never pity a narcissist.
They’ll weaponise it against you.
This is a great proverb❤
And never confide in them, ever.
This!
I’m more in it to support the full time caregivers. I can have some degree of pity for somebody with a terrible terrible disease, but I know the snake is a snake. I don’t trust her for a minute.
Yep
My narcissist brother wanted me to abandon my apartment, drive 1400 miles to take care of my narcissist mother. I couldn't get myself to do it. I'm glad I didn't. Now I'm being shunned by my family because of it. Oh well.🤷🏻♂
They won’t tell you they don’t want to deal with her either lol
That’s why they’re shaming you lol at least you have the guts to say no
Sounds like a win/win to me. When the rest of the family shunned me, I was like "noice, bye".
Please, don’t even think about it. You’re sooo much better without people who treat you like this.
Don't do it. I gave in and did uproot my life and move. Mom finally passed away a couple years ago. I am still trying to put all the pieces of my life back together. Progress has been slow, but things are steadily getting better for me. I am fortunate that my son is a mental health professional. That really helps.
When people try to tell you what to do, that is a big clue that they don’t care about your feelings. Take good care of yourself first.
I think we need to let go of the idea that we "have to" take care of someone who has consistently abused and harmed us.
Couldn't agree more
Karma is both real and deserved.
No place in my heart for pity.
Did this exactly! My husband and I were happy to look after her until death, if that’s what she wanted. Then the abuse started consistently and she ended up in the LAST place on Earth that she wanted to be……..an aged care facility until her death! She got her karma in a big dose and I don’t feel bad about that whatsoever!
You’re absolutely right.
I'm not sure I completely agree
As someone who worked for nearly a decade in long term care, let me help you with some of the guilt. We do not have the same history with your family member as you do. We only get to see then as they are when they come to live in the facility. Oftentimes that means you can pass their care to us because we don’t have that hurtful history. If its a good facility with good staff, its our job to take that burden from you. :)
😢
God bless you and the work you do.
Thank you for what you do
Thank you for sharing that. It’s a real relief to me. When it’s time for my parents to go into care I’ll remember this and feel much better about it. If hitting me makes it less likely that she takes it out on you then I’m OK with that.
❤❤❤❤ You are wonderful! And I didn't even know you!
As they age they become more toxic and impossible to handle. We need lots of courage because they blame us for their aging..
Agree!
It's definitely hard because you can't speculate the illnesses they will have until you actually go through it!
My parents adopted me as they got older the gilt trips and abuse gets worse my dad told his friend my heritage is coming out in me that's why I'm so miserable
The impression I got from my mother, was that I was to fault, for anything she didn’t achieve in life and, for that, she wanted blood.
If you thought they were crazy before, just wait till they get old! The last few years of his life was a wild ride for me! Whew!
A lot of narcissists I’ve known, become more immature as they get older. It’s like miss the glory days of their younger selves that they’re stuck in a perpetual loop of never growing up. While many grow up and become wise, narcissists still think they’re the prize.
Yep, i am witnessing this with the husband. i am on my way out.
Mine is about 5 years old now...
Agree completely
I feel like I carry my 84 year old covert narcissist mom on my back. She never listens to me but cries to me when something goes wrong.
Agreed.
I'm glad my mother became forgetful and slipped up, telling on herself for a decade old lie. I get to be done with her, finally. I do miss her now that I'm no contact sometimes, but thanks to Dr. Ramani I know I'm hurting for a mother that I never had, not really her, and that helps a lot. I owe a lot to Dr. Ramani, so listen folks, buy her new book, It's Not You, you will not regret it!
What a key important distinction 😮 icouldnt agree more. I think im often mourning for the parental figure and safe haven i'll never have throug this family cause thats just not the makings of where icome from. One day, if willing, ihope to meet a surrogate family i can call my own until then heres to my attempts at healing little by little day by day 💜
@@winterso8589yes, in therapy this becomes clear, the need to build internal kind loving and nurturing parents who will soothe your inner child. It is not easy because the tendency is to carry your internal parents inside (the talking head) but it is wonderful when you deconstruct them and build your own loving internal parents.
There is a website called rising woman and she gives a reading list of the best books written in this field of internal parenting. And also on UA-cam she has amazing interviews with therapists from this field.
I'd love that she and Dr Ramani did something together!!! It would be a dream!
As my dad ages it’s become more apparent that he believes cruelty is a virtue and love is a weakness. He thinks kind people are suckers and marks.
Same with mine.
It’s a balancing act being kind and having boundaries. If you don’t go along with them, narcissists will obsess about your boundaries and try to shame you for making them.
Sounds like my wife
Well not to defend him. But empathetic people can be abused and a target of narcs 😊
“Don’t mistake my meekness for weakness.”
My mother got more mean to me on her deathbed. I was forced to sit next to her every day..she didn’t talk to me all day(silence treat while next to her) but she did to my sister(the golden child). I was not allowed to touch her, say anything, look on my phone or talk to anybody from the family. If I moved, she gave me the “narc stare”. She knew exactly what she did to me.
After our mother died my sister took over the role of my mother, scapegoating me and gives me the silence treat for 4 years, as doing smear campaigns behind my back to our Steph brothers (enablers and flying monkeys).
I gave up the family as I’m done being the scapegoat.
Yes, sometimes, it’s up to you, if you don’t want to live as a scapegoat, whatever role they had in mind for you.
It is not fun to be the family scapegoat is it? We are the ones who see through the b.s. and stand up and say the emperor is not wearing any clothes. We are the first ones to see the emperor is buck naked and they make us wrong for having 20/20 vision
@@privateprivate8366 ? ….sometimes???
@@MrsD3Aer not everyone is able to just up and leave. Even though I have, I still realize that.
It was apparent that my siblings were mad at our father's passing only because they couldn't treat him like crap anymore. They turned that hate towards me. My mom treated me the same as she did her late husband, and it made me realize I had replaced him, and I left.
I was scapegoated by my overt narcissist father and he destroyed my childhood with his emotional and physical abuse. When he aged I consciously stepped back for my own wellbeing. Instead, I let my golden child brother take care of all of his elder care. I felt that my father did not deserve my help after how he had treated me over my lifetime. And I did not cry when my parental narcissist died. 🙂
When I got the call that my mother had passed, I literally danced around the room singing, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead".
Congratulations on your freedom ❤
Good for you! 👍🏻
What pity? Am I meant to pity this creature? After it has literally stolen my entire life?
"... LITERALLY stolen my ENTIRE life?" That's quite a narcissistic perspective.
Aging narcissist parents use threats of disinheriting as the final manipulation tactic.
In my case, I just yawn. I don't need anything from my N mother's estate so I just don't care. I won't be at the funeral when it comes, nor at the reading of the will..
I've seen this, to the point where money was lost because the great grandparent would not give the reigns over and they forgot where they put it.
My parent at 92 is meaner than ever. I can no longer put up with the racism, tantrums, screaming rage, and oh yeah, don't forget the constant disinheritance threat. Who needs that noise?
After finally going no contact with abusive narc father I figure he will cut me out of his will. But he could well live for another 10 years and I’d rather forfeit the money in exchange for peace and freedom from his contempt, gaslighting, criticism and rejection.
@@MichaelPizsame except I’m an only child and I’m waiting to inherit all her ish!! & money!!
It’s the least she could do . lol 🤷🏾♀️
I didn't understand what narcissism was while my narcissistic parent was was alive. I just thought he was a bad tempered, impatient, emotionally distant man, and that I was a constant disappointment to him. Near the end, he became more docile, but I chalked that up to his illness. I did grieve, but not for his loss. I grieved for the love I never got, and never felt. I grieved for the relationship we never had.
I felt a lot of shame for not missing my dad, but learning about narcissism has helped me put things in perspective, and I don't feel shame anymore, I just feel sad for the happy life we could have had.
I was relieved when my father’s coffin was put in the ground. I heard my inner child say very clearly “now I know who can never hurt me again.” I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief that he was finally gone. I was stunned that other people were crying because all I felt was relief.
I like you didn’t understand narcissism when my father was alive I just thought he was difficult .After his death I started to piece together his atrocious behaviour .I don’t miss him ,just angry that I tolerated it also like you grieve for relationship we never had.
@@Heather-xz8fk I understand..
Beautifully said. Your story is mine as well, except it was my mother who was narcissistic. She passed 5 months ago after terrorizing me on her deathbed with screams that I should get her out of the hospital. After a lifetime of pain with her, she managed to elevate it even more on her deathbed. I am at peace now and I don't miss her at all, but as you said, am mourning what never was.
We brought palliative care on board. The psychologist came to the house to assess Mom. As he left, he asked me if I had grieved the ‘mother I never had’? That question began my journey into trying to understand the narcissistic parent, and the concept of healing my inner child. God bless Dr. Ramani and others.
I don't wish this on anyone but I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. ❤
Aging narcisists are not a pretty sight to see, either way. Dealing with them is draining and painfully unsettling because you can’t trust anything they say or do. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you❤
You cannot trust ANYTHING they say or do 😮
I went no contact about 8 years before a flying monkey left a very angry message on my phone, "YOUR MOTHER NEEDS TO GO INTO A HOME NOW!" I realized how much I had healed when my first response to that person was anger instead of guilt. Long story short, my narcissistic mother had dementia, and I worked a deal out with that flying monkey, social services, and an elder care agent (God bless her) so my mother could get the care that she needed still with minimal contact from me. At first, my mother's attitude was horribly nasty and combatative, but as her dementia worsened, she became less the person I had always known. Two days before she died she told me she loved me, something she had not said in almost 60 years. I realize that I was very blessed to have it all end that way.
I think an important dynamic was left out of this video. You are not going to only deal with the parent, but you are walking back into a toxic soup of a family system. Many times no one but YOU have gotten any help to understand and cope with that family system. If that aging parent has resources to care for themselves then by all means let that happen. You may get push back from other siblings who are playing other roles within the system but stand firm. Remember guilt is the "hook" for co-dependency.
Oh man, this is so true. I'm not only afraid of seeing my mum, but the entire extended family is against me now, after NC. I dread it when these difficult times come.
My whole family knew my mother was a difficult person and everyone (me, my brother, my aunts and my cousins) decided to put her on a facility when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, as none of us had the mental energy and emotional heath to take care of her. But my family is super religious and they really don't understand narcissism, they think I should pray to let god touch my heart and forgive my mother. I'm an atheist. I cut contact with my mother when she went to the facility in January 2020. I don't call her, I don't ask for news of her, I really don't miss her at all. I feel lighter with her away. I just get to see her when my brother brings her to visit on his birthday, her birthday, mother's day and Christmas, and when my aunt brings her to family gatherings, every two weeks. I have to say I'm busy at most of these gatherings because I just don't wanna deal with her treating me bad over and over because she forgets she already saw me that day. Though the last time I got to be a bit mean and treat her a bit like she treats me. Everytime she noticed me, I exclaimed: So, you came here and you're going to ignore me? Have you slept at my house? Where are your manners? - Of course I can't treat her exactly the way she treats me, but I made her feel bad. 😂 I'm not sorry at all, and my family understood because they all know how she treats me at these gatherings.
The older they get, the more their grandiose dreams are shattered, and the more paranoid, frustrated and angry they become. Which of course is up to you, the scapegoat, to carry... So glad I am out, after 20 years. But the damage is done, and it is gonna take a long while to heal and work on myself to hopefully never get into a similar situation again...
My 81yo grandmother (whom I barely know) is about to be committed to a facility due to dementia and lifelong but recently diagnosed schizophrenia. My NM, despite having been alternately abused and ignored her entire life, is stepping up as the seeming Mother Theresa of patience and serving others and forgiving past wrongs. She is handling all the difficulties and logistics with incredible grace and compassion.
… Do you want to know why a narcissist would do that?
Because she’s using it to set expectations and standards for me.
She’s constantly saying, ‘Sure she always treated me terribly, but She’s My Mother, what kind of daughter would I be if I left her in her hour of need?’ It’s painfully obvious that, in connection with her supposed selflessness towards her own abusive mother, I am therefore expected to forgive all her wrongs towards me and go profoundly above and beyond to take care of her in her own old age because She’s My Mother No Matter What.
Folks, I think if there is a Covert N trophy, my mother has won it.
My narcissistic father is aging and frail, and my codependent/covert narcissistic mom cares for him 24/7 like a newborn babe. She is going to demand we (her children) do exactly the same for her but nothing we do will ever be good enough. This will be her dying glory: “look at me, the abandoned martyr of love.” 😞
@@susanlee8023 yikes… I know Dr Ramani has mentioned how the ultimate narcissistic injury is age. But I feel like it must only apply to overt/grandiose narcs. The covert/vulnerable ones just play age as one more pity card 🫣
Unfortunately my mother became more evil, not silent. Her manipulations are disgusting!She can only hate, lie and blame me for nothing! I am waiting for the end of this insane situation, but grace does not want to come. She can only hate and hurt me. She is an insane bastard!
Never too late for no contact
I get this. My mom is a massive narcissist and continually berated me when I tried to help her. I had to cut ties for my own mental health. I love her, but I don't like her. It's a tough situation to be in.
Leave if you can or even better - RUN.
My narc father forced me to take care of my seriously ill mother for months. I was only 18 years old at the time. He would go on businesstrips for days, spend the evenings away from home. He forced me to take care of her and my narc brother 24/7 and always told me how ungrateful I was. It was extremely abusive and it isolated me totally as I was not allowed to leave her unsupervised. He never thanked me and he never paid me - probably to make sure I could not save up to leave home. My mother was a malignant narcissist who had abused me my entire life. She was sooo evil and extremely violent. She has been dead for more than 50 years but I can still recall her angry face and hear her yelling at me. No one deserves parents like mine. Abusive empty souls.
I totally understand! Seriously, going through it right now.
@@karin8484 you had a narc father, a narc mother and a narc brother? 😮 I'm sorry for this predicament and I hope your life now feels light and safe. May you have a peaceful life!
They aren’t human. Stop wasting human emotions on them. Remember, they use your humanity against you.
well said!! What made them human (connection to soul) was lost at age 3 - 4. They are taken over by demonic energies. This would've sounded woo woo to me even just 2 years ago, but now I see it clearly.
such a strong and powerful statement!!
🙏thank you.
I totally agree, they are not 100% human.
There is something missing from them. Not physically missing, but mentally and spiritually missing, therefore I am confident in saying that they are sub human. And they know it.
I believe that they are also in a slightly different time zone behind that of a normal human being and they are trying to catch up, hence the behaviours.
@@davevenables3534 Wow. That really creates a sense of that lag that confuses me. No greater life sentence of confusion and pain than a parent that is a violent covert vulnerable narcissist. I am grateful for your clarifying comment.
I’m reading all the comments and they are a revelation. I’m not alone with my thoughts and feelings re. my narc. I’m getting physically ill from holding back and not reacting to all the manipulation and almost daily verbal abuse. I can’t eat, can’t sleep and I’m unable to participate in any activities with friends or family. All anyone had to do is say a kind word to me and I burst into tears. I’m so exhausted and wish for an end and I don’t care anymore who goes first. All I want is peace! This is after a lifetime of hard work, love and dedication.
The narc is almost 84 and thriving. How can a human thrive while creating all this drama and misery?
I can relate to everything you've said. I developed disabling chronic illness while living with my narcissistic parent as a child and again as an adult. I wasn't taught to put my mask on first so I gave everything I had, and more, to my narcissistic parent and it was never enough, never good enough and left me physically and mentally depleted. ❤
Yessssss! I often said the same thing. If my only way out is to die first, then so be it!!!! And the part about them thriving while we are struggling to put one foot forward. I HEAR YOU!! I wish you better days ahead!
@@michele0324 I’m with you! It’s so sad to see all the genuine love and care we had for the significant people in our lives wasted and sneered at.
You aren’t alone and I sincerely wish the best future for you.
@@SusanKG Thank you! It’s so sad to have to look for any way out of this pain. Thank you for your kind response and wishes. Stay strong, you are not alone in this world.
@heidimartin5070 have you seeked therapy? It might be a good idea..
I’ve learned to be less reactive . Took me a long time to get here.
Exactly. I learned to quit reacting to my husband and once he didn't get the response he wanted , he didn't try as hard.
@@jokendrick2124omg yes? My mother has calmed down a lot but it doesn’t me she doesn’t try daily. But her efforts are thwarted due to my knowledge and newfound autonomy
woud love to healr it better
Stoicism
Never thought talking about the weather could be so peaceful. Both deceased in the last couple of years.
My mom's facility wanted to transfer her to a state psychiatric hospital. The one where they send violent felons who aren't competent to stand trial. She was 80 and mostly blind, but the dementia specialists couldn't handle her. She started treating everyone the same way she had always treated me in private. Did any of those flying monkeys apologize? No. They just complained to me, like I was supposed to take control of the situation.
That place sounds scary. No mom belongs with felons, narc or not.
Flying monkeys are so well trained that they never see the narcissist as the problem.
Perhaps, because they're in a paid professional capacity to care for her, they didn't feel that they had to apologise to you. But they could have showed empathy for what you had endured as her child.
@@MM-gk5ofnarc parents belong there. They are criminals.
@@FRM888 The flying monkeys I was referring to were relatives and friends. People I went to for help as a child when I was being abused. They didn't believe me then. When they finally saw how she really was, they wouldn't tolerate the abuse themselves, but they still expected me to put up with it because "she's your mother".
Divorced my grand.Narc who became malevolent after 40 years of marriage. So abusive. He remarried 5 weeks after our divorce. Family now report that new wife is realizing her role: caregiver. He is "himself" but "worse" according to them. So sad, but happy for me to be free of him.
There were years of excruciating pain being the scapegoat in my narcissistic family, but in my parents' twilight years there were some benefits. My narc father became childlike and turned into a sweet and affectionate old man; I still feel grateful to have experienced him in that state. My narc mother lost her ability to speak. Too late she discovered her golden child daughter (my sister) had made plans for her care that she didn't like and then wanted me to step in and stop her! Too little too late...sorry mom. There was nothing I could do to help and I knew it. It was challenging to stand by and watch my sister treat my mother cruelly, but mom had put her eggs in that basket years ago and she had to live with the consequences. My choices to move away and grey rock them benefitted me immensely during that time.
So similar. Golden child brother made narc mom move and sell her home she loved. Now I have to check on her daily. She’s in assisted living near me, the daughter. I think she is totally stunned that her precious son turned on her. He’s living his best life over 2,000 miles away. I’m miserable.
@@MM-gk5of she is safe you dont have to visit daily it is ok not too, look after yourself
@@MM-gk5of I'm so sorry you got caught in your brother's maneuver. I hope you'll be able to create more healthy space for yourself over time.
Good for you! 😊
@@MM-gk5ofI feel bad for you. Take care of yourself. What if you set boundaries? Grey rock her if she’s mean. What’s the worst thing she can do? Nothing. She’s too old. Do. No. Feel. Guilty.
My 90 year old narcissist mom passed away recently. I had been her caregiver for the last three years in which she treated me like total garbage. Towards the end I had to detach and treated her in a business-like manner instead of as the loving daughter I tried to be up til that point. She died miserable and angry at me. The emotion that I feel I don't think there is a name for. It's guilt but without the self blame. I feel terrible about how things turned out for my mom, but I know I did everything I could and there is nothing more I could have done that would have made a difference. I tried so hard and she never met me halfway on anything.
You aren't alone, my friend.
@@johnobannon2291 ♥
My alcoholic dad now acts like he is father of the year and denies ever being a drunk. My narcissist mother flip flops from being fake caring when she needs something to mean and nasty. They are both in their 80s. I've gone just about no contact with the both of them. I'm 46 and I finally feel like I can see a future for me.
I do not pity my aging elderly narcisisstic parents. Anymore. They, are solely responsible for the death of my older sibling -- their child -- and the dismantling of an entire family. I feel deeply sad in a different kind of way.
So timely and spot on. I’m 56 and have been no contact with my mother for 30 years. She passed away three weeks ago at 94 years and eight months. She was in a nursing home for the last year. Her only health issue was reduced mobility. My brothers visited her regularly and updated me. She was oppositional and dramatic to the end, often threatening suicide by not eating. The suicidal threats were a part of her life since before I was born. She was incredibly abusive and domineering toward me for 27 years, and I went no contact to preserve my mental health. This only enraged her, and she stalked and harassed me for years afterwards. The whole scenario thoroughly traumatized me. After her death I felt relief for both of us. She maligned me to the bitter end. Even just seeing pictures of her triggered my fear of this woman. There is one picture though where she looks incredibly frail and harmless. Her eyes are closed and she is just slumped forward in her chair. It pulls at my heart strings. Of course, I know that the appearance is deceptive and potentially damaging. After all these years, I want to find some good in her. I want to find a shred of humanity there. I see how a narc who suddenly calms down and seems benign can renew the gaslighting all over again. But I won’t go down that rabbit hole. I wish her well but I also have to focus on my own continuing recovery. Her circumstances may have changed, but mine haven’t. I am still left to sort the pieces of my life out after suffering through the chaos that she unleashed on everyone.
❤ 'Her circumstances may have changed but mine haven't."
My life has been ruined for 37 years by a female narcissist. All the comments on these videos mirror my life.
I wish I had a support friend from here.
im sorry of this...i know this feeling of 32 years of life
It is weird. I don't find comfort in knowing other people have been abused the same way I had. No one deserves this treatment.
@@elenazelonkova it's so miserable living like this but I'm finding strength, I'm trying to concentrate on me now, I go running and go to the gym.
I'm sorry that you are suffering similar misery.
You are not alone.
Hi! You can always reach out here. 😊 Practice grey rock for your own sanity.
My aging s/o's mom is so cruel and blames her children for her unhappiness. The other day she said, "I'm the kind of woman who has always been a mother first...but now I think my biggest fault was putting my children first, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be in this position. I have nothing." (She won't take responsibility for her decision to sell her home). My heart dropped. I know it hurt him. He loves her dearly, he's kind, gentle, tries not upset or activate her rage, and takes care of her however he can. He's by her side through and through. She doesn't express gratitude. Although it'd mean the world, he doesn't expect it. She regularly points out his "faults, flaws," and struggles but doesn't acknowledge the good (and it's mostly good). Her daughter has supported her financially for the past 6-7 years. Her entitlement is unreal. I've witnessed violent rages when it's challenged, as if to intimidate her children into meeting and respecting her perceived needs.
My mother says the exact same thing. It hurts and makes me angry too.
@@angeladorio8761 As if the things they've already said and done haven't hurt us enough. It's awful regardless, but especially when you've done so much to be there for them, at your own cost. No matter how old we are we still just want our parent's love.
I’m so sorry! I know exactly how he must feel. If you ignore the fact that everything they do belittles you and is insulting and unfair, etc., it’s just plain sad that if they could only see how opposite the truth really is; for instance, her SELFISHNESS, not her selflessness, has been the main problem, they MIGHT be able to get better and have good or healthier relationships. I have so many narcissists in my life it’s like tip-toeing through a mine field most of the time, but what I REALLY get tired of is the double-whammy of: first you hurt me and then you figure out how you can BLAME me for everything YOU set in motion. You cannot have it both ways! I wish there was some kind of group therapy for victims of narcissists because we could help one another so much, even just by sharing our confusing experiences that all our lives we were trained to believe somehow we’re our own fault. I’ve just recently found these videos and I can’t fathom how many others have had the same experiences as I’ve been living with, it boggles my mind! God bless you and help you.
A narcissistic parents mantra is, “If it weren’t for me giving birth to you…” EVERYTHING is your fault and they intend to make you pay, perhaps, with your life.
@@denisemay6807I agree with you 100% about the therapy and helping each other. We could be a source of encouragement and connection with others who understand is essential for healing. I too have a lot of narcissists in my life but didn’t know it until I was nearly 40. One revealed traits, so I learned about my parent. He’s a malignant narcissist and he has abused me so cleverly into subjugation, submission, into giving up on myself(who he never encouraged me to be) because then how would he have as much control as he wanted…on and on. Had to reevaluate my entire life. I know now why I struggled so much when I was told it was my job to care for him not go away to school. It went against my intuitive self knowledge about who I was and I suffered silently while I gave my life to caring for him. I was coercively controlled. Led to believe my mom didn’t love me after she left him so I was isolated from her and easier to control. It was a nightmare that went on for decades. There are different resources depending on where you live, but we could actually work together to do something on a free platform and meet. Are you interested in sharing info (or do you know how to do so without it being taken down so we could privately message?) I don’t like the monopolization of healing I seem to be seeing. We need something like you said. I would do it bc I need direction and we need to help each other. Too many people in my life are narcissistic and when I went no contact w my father, I was ousted from my entire family. It’s devastating. What do you think?
I will be eternally grateful that I will NEVER have to deal with the narcissistic people who brought me up as they get older. However, aging narcissists CANNOT keep up their facade.
My aging covert/neglectful narcissist is only getting worse. Affairs, hiding money, not participating in household or family activities, discard and devaluing my feelings. My rage builds. I see his cognitive decline. Then, he gets physically injured and ends up in the hospital. I am so confused. My nurturing nature I want to take care of him. But, I cannot. If I give an inch he will take a mile and it will affirm that his twisted attacking behavior was ok. I am torn between guilt and rage.
No contact solves all and is your only path to healing.
I used to work in a nursing home. Some people were sweet and others were quite narcissistic. Guess which ones had the most family involvement, frequent visits, & family communicating well with the staff to ensure their loved one's' wellbeing? And which ones became labelled as "problems" ? We used to try to get the families more involved, thinking these angry, depressed, combative people were just lonely and feeling abandoned by their families. Now I think they were getting the "grey rock" treatment from their victims.
I'm glad that staff are more aware now that their charges could be their own reason for the situation they are in.
It is called karma when narcissists are alone in their old age because everybody is fed up with their toxic abuse. I do not feel sorry for them.
I had an narcissistic aunt who was also a holy roller-I didn’t deal with her growing up because we couldn’t stand each other-as she got older I didn’t want her my life so I had her placed in an old folks home-on her dime and walked away-she told me I was selfish and didn’t love her, and I told her she was right; and that she was also a narcissist and I didn’t want the burden of caring for someone like her. I visited her at the facility periodically, and when she died went to her funeral that she had already paid for and didin’t tell anyone that she was related to me-hate me, but no I wasn’t going to get saddled with that sh*t.
OMG, you are my hero!
@@carloslao6374 Thank you. Sometimes, it’s hard to be brave when other people are against you for not wanting to deal with a narcissist-their flying monkey come at you-but it’s worth saying no and stepping back and claiming your life.
As someone who has been a caregiver both professionally and for older family, I want to stress that even if the relative isn't narcissistic, it is profoundly stressful, especially when the person has dementia. It is super important, as Dr. Ramani says, to be gentle with yourself. Also, do everything you can to find respite and keep in touch with your social support circle.
I totally agree.
also parkiisnos disisase is diffuclt to deal with when person is anagry at everoyne around for own strugells or any other health problem of older parets
I struggle with these type of thoughts. Thinking about the future can be very scary. How I deal with it is remembering all the bs they put me through and have done.
Same.
My Mom will have longer periods now where she doesn't rage at me, but it takes physical distance, frequent boundary reinforcements, and a combination of grey-rock and yellow-rock to keep it that way.
And in between she is still as manipulative as ever, so every time I do not fall for her hoovering but don't give her the emotional outburst she wants either I can hear the time bomb ticking.
That part of it is still very much like my nightmare of a childhood again, and when I remember that I feel like I am trapped all over again just in a different kind of cage now.
I was the caregiver for 10+ years to both of narcissistic parents. I am the only child, so it all fell on me.
It was a real mind-f*ck of complex feelings, which was compounded by the rapid deterioration of their physical and mental presence.
People think you’d be relieved when they die, and that it won’t be as painful to grieve them, but I grieve the loss of the possibility that things could be any different.
My narc mother is still alive but I have been through the anger and grief of my lost childhood and how things could have been different. We have to process all these things to heal and be proud of ourselves and our strength.
I know exactly what you mean because that's how I felt about my MIL ...but I did not go through all the things you went through. I was not a caregiver to my MIL but I felt such a profound sense of loss when she died because I never wanted the strained relationship that we had.
@@elisabethledez2081 Agreed. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, but I’m beyond grateful that I was ever awakened to what narcissistic abuse is, and how it can create people pleasers who have little to no self-esteem.
Thank you for this video. One super frustrating aspect of having a narcissistic parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s that I’ve yet to hear anyone address… the standard advice given to caregivers is exactly the wrong advice for victims of narcissistic abuse. “Give into their reality, allow them to keep as much control as possible, etc.” When my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he took the opportunity to send my sisters and me a UA-cam video from a doctor explaining how we shouldn’t argue with him. He used his diagnosis to try to make sure we wouldn’t push back against his continued abuse.
Oh how grim. I feel for you. Some of them seem to retain the ability and intention to manipulate even when they are losing other faculties.
I live in France and the same advice is given to caregivers "Do not question them, do not challenge them." I think it is manipulative not to allow someone to tell the truth when they have been abused in their childhood. From now on, my mental health always comes first and I do not feel guilty about it even though my mother has dementia.
😮 😱😳
I agree wholeheartedly. My mom now rewrites almost all of her past history when talking to just about anyone (including us) and we have been given the same advice by Hospice personnel at the care home.
@@AlexLouiseWest Absolutely… they can't remember they swore you the day before but they can always remember to blame and blame some more, never problem solve because then they wouldn't have anything to whine about...so exhausting!
My narcissistic sister wanted to send my narcissistic mother to live with me and have me take care of her full-time. I live across the country, work a full-time job, and care for a disabled husband. Meanwhile my sibling does not work and already lives with my mother. Yet I am constantly shamed by my family over this.
Thank you for addressing this very important and difficult topic. It can be absolutely ghastly for caregivers of narcissists with dementia.
My mother was afraid I’m going to “neglect” her in her old age already when I was 15-16. We had lots of fights and she quite often used this narrative as a manipulation tactics. Cried like a baby and said something in the meaning of “when you grow up, you are free to go and never come to see me when I’m old, this is what you want, right?” Once I went no contact with her in my late 30’s, she was suddenly surprised and hurt I did it. Although she had 25 years to do something with her behaviour since she realised I might not condone her shit forever.
Just last week we discussed this getting old topic with my sister and we agreed that neither of us is willing to take care of her, and we are going to place her into care home. I’m obliged to pay my share by law but obligations do not include visitations.
My father told me he worried I would do the same at 26. Not taking care of him never crossed my mind! It's so not in my character! Now I'm 28 and I've gone NC LOL. Whoops😇
@@Imallwrite212 this is so wild logic. They know their behaviour probably will have consequences. But instead of changing their behaviour, they cry about the consequences already before it's happening. Because a person definitely can't choose how they treat others. 🙄
Omg, my mother used to say the same thing to me since I was a kid! That we are going to send her to a nursing home, she cried and made me promise that that will never happen. I was like 8-9 years old. When I wanted to move in with my boyfriend, her reaction was: "I always knew you will run away." 😯 She completely ignored the fact that Im happy and that it is a big step for me. She imidietely tried to ruin it for me. When I had a baby, all horible memories from my childhood came back to me. I was terrified that I will not be able to protect my son, that she wil do the same things to him like she did to me. I went to therapy, I tried to talk to her about it and find a solution to improve our relationship. She rejected, never done anything to at least meet me halfway. Instead she told everyone that I am making things up, that Im crazy. My father never stood up for me. In my 30s I went no contact with both of my parents. And one day I am willing to do my share and help her find professionals who could take care of her, pay for their service, but thats it.
Life is a bit easier now, but I still have nightmares about her. Hope I will heal one day and wish you the same thing. Be happy ❤
I'm glad to see someone is talking about aging narcissistic parents. I did it for five years, and it was hell. My mother got more arrogant, argumentative, controlling, selfish, self-entitle, hateful, angry, and down right meaner!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
I have no more energy to feel any empathy. Like the sone says, I'm slip sliding away. A new life is calling my name.
They know they'll get more sympathy from people as they get older. "Look at how old they are. They can't be abusive."
An episode of Call the Midwife comes to mind when Chummy's horrible mother is dying, and Chummy tenderly comforts and cares for her, and the horrible mother is suddenly sweet and tender back. I struggled with that episode. I don't think I have it in me to switch off the feelings of anger and disgust at the past.
Mine is raging because I detached from her before I was 10 years old. Because of that, I have never felt anything but superficial towards her.
But, she just never stopped with the brutality coming out of her mouth. Ever.
She is 💯 oblivious to her toxicity. I am told that she is incapable of thinking in any way other than how she is being done wrong. And specifically I/ ME is trying to do bad things to her.
I have never done anything to her because I am emotionally and physically living too far away for anything of the kind to happen. Yet, she is incapable of receiving information and not processing it as she is the victim.
she is firmly of the belief that she is the most wonderful mother and I am the asshole.
You can't fight city hall so I have completely detached because it's been 60 years of her bs and I just can't do it to myself anymore.
This is a long way of saying I feel your anger.
Not only are they impossible but society guilts us and
We never had a family. We never had love.
It does happen sometimes with the help of dementia (and whatever drugs they are given to keep them from punching their caregivers). It wasn't enough to keep me at her side, but at least I had some peace from a distance.
Chummy no doubt suffered from narcissistic mother. Chummy was a class act, rising above the common. A real lady x
Probably best not to watch triggering shit tv like that
I have very little to do with my aging narcissistic mother now and I love it!!! As the oldest child and the only one who lives in the same area as her, I have had to do everything regarding her aged care, finances etc. She is quite wealthy and her money is just being gobbled up by the aged care facility she is in....the other siblings don't like this but don't have time to help etc. It was tough a few years ago when the dementia set in and worsened quickly....she was so angry and abusive to me for anything I did to help her. She was losing mobility due to arthritic hips but would not do the simple exercises and walking recommended by doctors and physiotherapists. She was abusive to her carers too which upset me more. Now she is in a hospital-type care facility, cannot walk, can barely speak or feed herself and I rarely visit....no guilt as I tried my best but was always abused. She's in her own private hell and I want no part of it.
when u said be gentle with yourself u hit the nail on the head. i got into a bad car accident - thank God we were all ok - but caring for parents and children while being married to a malignant narc stretched me too thin. 10 years later i got out and am so happy now, but self care was non- existant.
I hope you have the opportunity to live your life now. I was raised by a covert narcissist and was married to a malignant until he turned to the dark side and became the dark triad. My divorce was finalized at the end of January of this year. Devastation rained on me for years. Pre and post leaving him. His murder attempts and stalking. My covert mother. Medical gaslighting. Therapist who didn’t understand narcissistic abuse and said I had BPD. It’s over. I am currently living in disassociation land at times when gets too hard. I am better and finding Dr. Ramani has been key to my healing. It’s not so much therapy but affirmation. It wasn’t me. I bought the book. We have all been there and there is great strength knowing other people, too many, have had to deal with this. Here you are. What have always wanted to do? What’s on your bucket list? You’ve been living every bodies life but your own. It’s time for you to be the leading lady now. I have always wanted to travel. That never happened. I have made the hotel reservations and will be purchasing my plane tickets shortly. I am well aware how difficult this may be for me. I still survey my surroundings. I still freeze in the middle of the street. There are days I can’t pull myself out of bed. I don’t want to die never having lived. That scares me. It’s hard and will always be hard. You never know what’s around the corner. It doesn’t always mean it’s your abuser. It might be some children playing a string quartet of the pachobel canon. Keep looking around the corner.
Having been surrounded by narcs and toxic people my entire life, I find it hard to have pity for any of them regardless of if they got/get nastier or nicer in their aging years. Nasty or nice, I'm too exhausted to have compassion for people that twisted me into knots just for the fun of it.
my parents had me at an older age so even as a kid/teen, i was expected to act an adult/care for them and then by the time i got old enough to stand up for myself, it just gets painted as me being mean to an “old lady”. they are very good at half-truths to paint me in a bad light and VERY good at weaponising their age and sometimes their illness.
I’m only low-contact with this parent because that guilt eats me alive and it’s kind of out of obligation. they aren’t concerned about having conversations about what happened growing up and if it starts to go there, it turns into “that never happened” or “I don’t remember” or even “well you should see how your other parent treated me”.
I was also a late child and I understand what you mean about guilt and being there out of obligation. My parents passed away and I'm dealing now with my narcissistic brother 🙄😓
Dr. Ramani's videos are gold! (and if you can, get her new book "it's not you"). I also recommend Dr. Carter's channel Surviving Narcissism and Jerry Wise's videos. Take care 🌸
Ah yes. The old selective memory trick. Stay strong x
Excellent topic, Dr. Ramani! ⭐ I'm 57, my parents are 80. My dad & brother are narcs; my mom is codependent with narc tendencies. I'm the black sheep left to take care of my parents, while my star-child brother lives selfishly & lavishly across the country. A friend said, "Live your own life and let your parents wither away thinking about how they treated you when you're gone." I will not. I cannot. When my time comes, I will rest peacefully knowing I didn't stoop that low.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it.
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
@@DailamiPuang LMFAO!!!!
I'm calling this one out. NO, there is not always a solution, and the idea that "all marriages have rough patches like this" is a really invalidating and sometimes dangerous thing to say to someone in an emotionally abusive relationship, whether it's narcissistic or not. There is a big difference between "a rough patch" and abuse. A "rough patch" can be navigated if both parties want to navigate it. An abuser is not interested in changing either themselves or the relationship. If you're not sure which it is, do some research on emotional abuse and trauma-bonding. Either way, I hope you come out the other end in a good place. You're worth it. 💜
As my mother aged, she got so much worse. She became totally disregulated like a tantrummy child and even more violent and cruel. I just got so sick of her and her crap it definitely helped me when I moved out. She died exactly one year ago today and I feel nothing.
I can so relate to this. Dealing with this situation at the moment. It's hurting stressed and just draining :(
After 47 years of dealing with a narcissistic mother, I have _no_ sympathy. As the scapegoat she's pushed me to a place I just don't care. She turned on me after my sister was born when I was five. I realized recently that that's when my mother left. The one who loved me. She left and was replaced with an imposter wearing her face telling me that my baby sister was the child she deserved and that I was in the way in every way she could manage. That she couldn't get rid of me because the cops wouldn't like what she was thinking of. People keep telling me I'll miss her when she's gone. But I know I won't. I know I'll rest easy then. I just have to let go of the fantasy that she'll admit to what she's done.
My mother is turning 60 this year. Suddenly she has connections to cousins and other family that she was never close to, and I know it's because she wants to manipulate these people to be her supply and caretakers. I know that caring for her would be repeating a cycle. My great-grandmother mistreated my grandmother, and then my grandmother took care of her. Before passing, my grandmother regretted everything she did for others. It's best I just keep away and let my mother get old.
This is so very much what my family has been like. My mother also started hovering extended family. I have dyslexia and don't drive my mother knew this and still chose a care home out of bus and taxi range. My brother resented the new found cousin interfering, but for me I am greatful if she wants to step in where I can't. My mother's scapegoating and triangulating and lies are too much her apology before her heart surgery was for show and when she came out of surgery where I had taken time to care for her she went back to the same visious jellous mean behaviors. I finally went no contact this Christmas. I just don't have it in me to be at her beck and call. She was never there for me, I don't owe her anything.
My narcissistic father is nearing 70 and I am pregnant with my first child. He has already expressed so much excitement about getting to be a grandpa that my stomach turns imagining how he would attempt weaponize my innocent daughter’s naïveté to manipulate me into supporting him as he becomes unable to support himself. And that’s why he will never, EVER be left alone with any child of mine. Who wants to bet he will make a show of being hurt and persecuted by my lack of trust? lol
My mother was a horrific covert narcissist. Almost having munchausen. She in a way created the horrors she whined about. I was a truth teller. At 5 I saw my mother stop helping my ill father. She wasn’t taking my father for medical care he most definitely needed. I remember him pushing a rocking chair around the living room. He shuffled in his pajamas, robe and slippers. He was wearing a white collar around his neck. I was told he had arthritis in his neck. At the age of 5 I was well aware that this was a problem in his brain. My father continued to worsen and died of a brain damage. My mother never acknowledged my father again. Her constant need to have a husband she saw my brother as a threat to remarriage. I was the adorable tow head little girl. I was smart and cute and quiet. My brother was troubled. He was physically tall and very lean. His hair was stringy and looked constantly unkept. He was not dealing with my father’s death well and my mother say him as a threat to remarriage. He man may marry a woman with a cute, smart, and compliant child but not my brother. So she neglected him. She was never an advocate for him school. He had learning disabilities and some limited intellectual issues but he was her son and he was my brother. Over the years he became more imbedded with the drug culture of the 70s. One day he was so high on LSD he chased my mother and I around the house with a metal rake. I was terrified. It was the most definitive dissociative moment of my life. He would get high and sell drugs out of the house when my mother was at work. He got no guidance from her. He had sexually abused me as a young girl. He would disappear for days. I started to see the truth. That my mother didn’t want. He was a discard. She had gotten her covert supply of a mother with a drug addicted child but that had run its course. at the age of 12 my mother moved me to another city. She didn’t tell my brother who had gone missing again. He was 14. He was a child. He needed a mother and guidance but that’s not what he got. He was fragile and he turned to the people who accepted him. I was scared by him. He had done terrible things to me. It took me decades for me to reconnect with him. I didn’t have to forgive him. What he did was a result of the abuse he received from my mom. My mother neglected and abused my dogs. Following my father’s death she went back to work and abandoned all duties as a mother for my brother and a mother to me. She would put me in the office supply closet where she worked. I wasn’t allowed to put all the lights on. Just a small dim one. I had a 5x5 black and white television with rabbit ears for company. As long as the volume was kept low. There rules had no meaning though. I was told that the light and the loudness would distract clients. Except the room was far from the clients. I only saw her when she was getting office supplies. At 6, after my father’s death the duty to care for my dogs landed on me. I had a collie and cockapoo. The collie’s fur would get dirty and mat badly which would cause him pain. I snuck the dogs into the house when she wasn’t there to play with them. I loved them. This was in LA and the ground became too sandy and she no longer cared about the upkeep. What was once a grassy escape was more like a dirty cigarette tray. I saw my dogs being eaten by flies. Their ears bloody and raw from the bites. I tried to put ointment on them to help them. It was never enough. Then one by one the dogs landed in the vets office and I never saw them again. I was also my mother’s parent. At night after work she would come and sit at my bed and have adult conversations with me. Over the years I had moved on and married the dark triad and moved to New England. I was guilted into keeping in touch with my mother by my now ex husband. He did it because he knew it made me unhappy. He also did so because my mother and my family had wealth. He came from a poorer family so he needed me to keep in touch. He told me and I knew that my inheritance was our retirement. I felt like I was pimped out to my mother. She continued to be a destructive person in my life. When I left my husband he came after me. I fled from him several times cross the country leaving with my dog and two suitcases in the middle of the night. My mother was becoming frailer. Dementia started to come in during this time and her tone softened and her disposition gentled. In my time of really needing a parent that loved me and wanted to protect me was a dream. She and I would talk on the phone several times a day. Nothing significant. What was Vanna White wearing. Who was replacing Alex Trabeck. What the awful other residents at the senior community were pissing off my mother. It was completely superficial. For me,it was enough. The disaster of a husband was falling down around me. I was going through the divorce from hell. I expected him to be a jerk but I did not expect my divorce attorney’s assistant to collude with him. My mother was staying at a senior community I despised. My mother didn’t understand what a HIPPHA release was and never signed one. I frequently called her cell phone only to have her answer it in the hospital. She had broken her back. She denied treatment for an MRI and went back home. The community refused to give me any of her health information and stopped allowing me to talk to her. Things had completely escalated because she was a long term benzodiazepine patient and they were giving her opioids for the pain. I tried to get anybody to listen. The mixture of opioids and benzodiazepines is lethal. It causes respiratory failure. 30% or more of opioid deaths are related to the combination of the two. A very lethal street drug out on the street now is a combination of cut fentanyl and benzodiazepine. I tried to get anybody to listen to me. My mother had done a good smear job against me. My ex husband had done a good smear job against me at her residence as well. My mother had triangulated me out of a relationship with two of my cousins. As I had been the truth teller about my father, my brother, and my dogs. I was now the ignored truth teller when it came to trying to save her life. I was ignored. I wasn’t given the opportunity to say goodbye. I tried to contact my cousin to get information. She never returned my calls. After months of frantic phone calls and endless medical arguments on top of being stalked and feeling in danger, sick from the effects of brain damage as recent medical malpractice issue that had complicated my fleeing from him and trying to survive all of this. My mother had died and wasn’t told. I kept calling for answers and they were never returned. I wasn’t told about her funeral. Almost a year and a half later I still don’t know where she is buried and I am in litigation over her estate. It’s so hard to reach the end of your tormentors life, when at the time they were a godsend. It is very hard to reconcile. It is also difficult to understand if it was real. She needed me for health reasons and I gave her a great deal of narcissistic supply. It was a balancing act daily. Not having that funeral. Not knowing of her death or the real opportunity to say goodbye would be hard on a child in a normal relationship would be hard. For me it is still abuse carried forward by the flying monkey that is my cousin who refuses to give me information. I know she was a very horrible person and she did things that were in excusable. That will always out way anything positive. In the time of my greatest need for a mother, she was one. Real or otherwise I am happy to have ended on a high note.
I just watched and wow was this great timing for me.
Scapegoat here. My adult son and his family went back to our hometown last week and he met with his abusive alcoholic father and stepmother and then he met with my narcissistic mother who is now in a nursing home.
I had videos shared with me and I was shocked to see how the years had aged everyone, and not in a good way.
My ex who is 3 years older than me now looks 20 years older. I guess booze and cigarettes truly do age a person. His wife was recently arrested for domestic violence against him and I looked up her mugshot. 😮
Next I saw video of my NM and she’s happy as a little clam because she’s now in a religious nursing home that she sees as the pinnacle of acceptance of her facade.
I am so thankful that I didn’t feel pity or guilt. My mom is right where she wants to be and my ex is getting exactly what he deserves.
Appreciated your comment on "if you went no contact with a narcissist parent and are being drawn back in for end-of-life...." Recently went through this with my ex-husband. Divorced him in the early 2000s - got full custody of our children, moved across the country and went no contact. Last year, he suffered a series of strokes and ended up in ICU without a path for recovery. His family reached out to me, asking if his children wanted to reconnect with him before he died. Got told the "your children might regret it if they don't forgive their father.... etc...." I encouraged my children to find their own path - to do what they felt comfortable in doing, and that the only correct way to handle it was what felt best for them. One replied: "Just let me know once he's dead." The other replied: "The only way I might tell him something is if I know he's completely incapacitated and can't wrongfully manipulate and misrepresent anything I'd have to say. And I would have no regrets if he died without me saying anything to him at all before he died." For my children: That was their right answer.
The hard part is I’ve been NC with my Mom. I don't know if I just want a notification call or to talk on the phone. The rotting body and sickey sweetness won't help me in the least. She made me a winter headband so I'd have something to remember her by. Hoovering. She knows I'm not going to her funeral bc I’m not going to be the dartboard for the family's rage. She agrees that it's not my circus. I'm always going to be the villain in someone's story. I won't take care of her. I hate that my entire life has been sucked up by her. Abuse/therapy/and grieve her loss. I've had to block her on my phone.
This is a tough one for me to process. I received decades of narcissistic abuse from my father. Then from about age 30 onward, I experienced mostly apathy and indifference as he was on to his third marriage by then. I finally cut him off shortly before I turned 50, because I didn’t want to deal with the bad memories and emotional pain anymore. Now I’m turning 56 and my father is 81. I still talk to the rest of my relatives, so I know my father isn’t in the greatest health. But he’s still independent and functional. He has his third wife’s family look after him since he’s been a lot kinder to them than he ever was to me. They don’t know all the ugly history and I have zero guilt about not being involved in his life. I’m not sure how I’ll react when he declines more severely and “that day” comes. But I feel I’ve already had closure and I’ve said all the things I ever wanted to say over five decades. I made a sincere effort to improve the relationship many times. People will hate me and think I abandoned him. But I think I’ll still be at peace. I’ve decided to go his funeral someday, but only if his youngest sibling is still living. I asked my uncle if he wanted me there and he said yes. He assures me he will support me if anyone is negative to me.
My goodness, thank you for such kind, compassionate words. As my narc mother and enabling father get older, it's getting much more severe. The most intense scapegoating tactics are in play. Very very limited contact with grey rocking and heavy therapy is so far my way through. This video has helped so much. Your knowledge, kindness, and understanding has really touched me deeply. Thank you.
As always, reaching through my screen and placing a kind hand on my shoulder. Your videos always seem to line up perfectly with my life events. Thank you spending so much time, energy, and resources to help random people out here in the world.
YOU ARE SUCH A KIND SOUL!!!! I just want you to know that you have helped me tremendously. THANKYOU SO MUCH!!!
Oh man, a discussion on this aspect of dealing with narcissism is exactly what I needed! I've been grappling with my feelings, which have vascillated between loathing, pity, and love. It helps to hear you say there's no playbook and to be gentle on myself. Thank you!
Thanks for speaking on this. My father became more oppositional with age, and also after a bad accident he had that seriously impaired his life and mobility. I have been NC for almost 2 years now and am picking up the pieces. I hope to get to the point where I can really let go and live my life for me. But also in the back of my head, I know my father is very old (he really is old enough to be a grandfather to me), and that his age, paired with his condition, might lead me back into caretaking one day. I wouldn't want my brother to do it alone. I can only hope that his wife outlives him and can do it. She's caretaking for him now which is amazing because even though they're both narcs, she does care for him, and it allows me to really break free from such terrible relationships. The idea of returning one day still haunts me, but I'm taking things day by day at the moment.
The "we're family" statement makes me want to pull out my hair. My brother defers to "we're family" whenever our NarcMom guilt trips him into feeling sorry for her because I chose to go no contact. What he does not realize is that he is abusing me all over again because what he is indirectly telling her (Narcmom) is that it's okay for her to have treated me the way that she did; so don't worry yourself that she's not talking to you right now---she'll come around because we are family. #familyisoverrated
Exactly, just because we're family doesn't mean they can treat family anyway they want. They can't abuse other people the way they can abuse family. If we weren't born into that kind of family, we probably would have never talked to them.
I have NO pity. For the aging narc, or all their flying monkeys.
My Dad has dementia. He shares a home with my late mom's sister. My mom was a narc. My Dad was a flying monkey.
As a child, I did not DARE upset my aunt.
As an adult, now 59... I have no pity for my father, who did not protect me when my aunt was a participant in my sexual abuse.
16 April 2024 Hi Dr. Ramani from Australia 🇦🇺 really love your Channel so interesting and enlightening! ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉
Thank you for this topic. My narcissistic, alcoholic mom's dead, as is my enabling dad, so coping with that pain is mostly meditating and therapeutic writing. Now I'm blocking my 73-year-old ex-husband, who's still trying to guilt me into supporting him. He throws money away faster than anyone I've ever known; he also tried to get everything in the divorce, which I don't forgive. By abusing everyone in his family, he's now isolated, virtually homeless, and with failing health. It's another exercise for me to avoid someone with very poor mental health, which I did NOT cause (she said emphatically to herself). I'm going to stay clear and stay safer.
Yes, all that! You owe him nothing. Grey rock. You got it!
I realized years ago when I cared for patients who suffered stroke and brain injury, that it would take something catastrophic like that, which would effectively neutralize her personality, for my mom to be tolerable. She’s a ruthlessly predatory nightmare of a person.
As my mother gets softer, doubt sinks in. messes with my mind so that I start doubting if what I believe was true in the first place...such is my journey...
I would like to say thank you Doctor Raimni. I’ve learned so much from your channel and it’s opened my eyes to the behavior of my family. My mom is approaching 70 years old and I’ve noticed her behavior change from the 2000s to present. She used to be caring and tender and when I think back to the younger years of when I was 5 years old and all the way up to when I was 8 years old I can understand that she was a narcissists. I remember her saying things to make me feel bad about myself, slamming the card door on my fingers on multiple occasions, of course back then when I was 5 years old I thought it was an accident but now thinking back, I think it was done on purpose and slamming the truck door down on my head when I was 7 or 8 years old without making sure I was out of the way to be safe.
Fast forward 2020 she throws temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. My dad was awarded a lot of money from my great aunt and she demanded that she get a new kitchen and a wood floor. Her reason was that she worked hard for it and deserved it. This is of course after she asked my sister back in 2012 if she should divorce my dad and before she stole 10k that he was awarded by his great aunt back in 2008. She stole it to buy some electrical gizmo to heal your nervous system. The device cost about 10k and so she went ahead and stole his money from the safe without telling him. She’s also been taking his stuff and giving it away to my sister and her tow truck boyfriend. She walked around the property to take his stuff that was all metal and loaded on a trailer that she was going to give to her tow truck boyfriend to scrap and keep the money. She and I would constantly get into arguments, heated arguments, about her two dogs that are large black labs that she keeps in cages and lets them run loose around the house but she won’t let them run around the property because she’s afraid that they’ll get shot. I stayed at home to protect my dad from her Incas she divorced him but now she’s trying to get me to leave and get him a heart attack, She’s a real piece of work. She called up my other sister’s husband and tried to get him to take four or five of my dad’s cars out of the yard to scrap but couldn’t find the titles. My brother in-law later told my dad what she was trying to do. She also had an affair on my dad with another man between 2008 -2012. The level of narcissism is unbelievable, she’ll refuse to have small talk with me or my dad and will get her supply from her friends on Facebook and will go to UA-cam church channel (because she thinks she’s going to go to heaven) She gets all paranoid about Government Conspiracy Theories that she watches on UA-cam and she won’t shut up about it. She flipped out on me and my dad when I helped him bring home a refrigerator that we needed. She went bananas and threw a medium sized box and hit him in the chest and threw a skateboard at me and almost hit me in the face. I moved out of the way to not get hit. With age narcissist get worse and their behavior goes to Hell in a hand basket.
To make matters worse, I’’ve noticed that my dad is a vulnerable narcissist. He’ll make promises and then break them. He’ll sit and talk about people doing things to him and put an act to feel helpless to do anything about it and make me upset and down. Like a few days ago I offered to help him move some stuff in a building because he has trouble lifting and then the next day he took off and wouldn’t tell me where he was going or leave a note or wake me up to take me with him. He would just leave. It made me mad because I rearranged my schedule to help him for the whole day and I didn’t know where he went and he took off the entire day and didn’t call me and I wasn’t going to get in my car to try to find him, so I stayed home and did nothing. Pretty much wasted my entire day, but he has done stuff like this. I would ask him for his help and he would say he would do something and then not do it or I would ask for a ride to pick up my car or truck somewhere and he would take all day getting ready to leave.
All of my sister’s follow the same pipeline. I don’t know if I do, I try to better myself and make people feel good by complimenting them and let them shine in the lime light and be content in the shadow or off screen. I’m not really into the whole social gathering and I don’t require supply but what I do require is honesty and integrity from people. I don’t like people playing games and screwing with my head. So, I know Im not a narc. But your channels has helped open my eyes to the realm of toxic behavior and I want to thank you for that. As far as my family is concerned I’m already taking steps to slowly move out again it just won’t be immediately as I would like. I thought I was moving in with my parents to help my dad and get the grunt work done but I’m feeling like a punching bag.
It's an _easy_ decision in my case. My N mother has ruined more lives than mine (until I figured her out and fixed myself). She destroyed my father (though he was a pretty easy mark for her) and she (along with my ex) drove my two sons away from me so now they won't communicate with me or let me are my grandkids. She has no friends and none of the rest of the family can stand her.
My brother told me that she recently moved into assisted living. Not only don't I care but I have no idea where that is. She has long since earned no contact and I've reached complete apathy toward her. As far as I know she is still in command of all her faculties but no matter how her condition changes nothing will change in how I just have no more fucks to give about her.
My covert narcissist father was furious at becoming older and bedbound, though he did nothing to help stop it from happening. He'd never discuss getting old and threatened several times when I displeased him in some way that he'd leave all his inheritance to my brother. I was his emotional caretaker for decades.
I have chronic illnesses and left most of his care to paid caretakers, as I knew he'd completely drain me, if not send me to hospital (I was recovering from a heart attack). My brother and his wife still viewed me as lazy for not doing more.
It was validating for me to hear his carers say how difficult and draining he was. Finally people understood!
He was softer towards me though, but that just made me realise his behaviour *was* within his control.
My brother was more interested in his inheritance than anything. I don't keep in touch with him and don't miss my father. I feel liberated at last.
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed at this moment in my journey. After going 'no contact' with my father a couple of years ago, I have heard reports of him getting kicked out of several hospitals, several hotels, and wrecking his car. I was unsure as to whether I was navigating through this ordeal correctly. After abusing our very good family friend, who was an enabler until my father showed his true colors to him, he has also finally given up on trying to take care of my 87 year old father. One morning, the family friend bought coffee for my father as a friendly gesture, only to have my father throw the hot coffee at our friend - That was the last straw for our friend.
thank you so much for addressing this area of narcissism
My biological mom is 86 am I had no contact for a decade , then she was put in the hospital . As soon as I heard her speak I knew her personality hadn’t changed. She then was throwing food trays at nurses and telling anyone who would listen how messed up they were inside . I spoke to her doctors and told them she is a drug user and should check her meds . Sure enough her tox screen showed misuse . She ended up in a facility because she couldn’t care for herself . Somehow she got released and went back to same patterns of hatred. My brother speaks to her , but my sister and I were so damaged from years of psychological games . We both secretly wanted her to pass . They don’t change not even death bed changes .
Thank you for this very reassuring talk. It's a challenge to heal and even though my parents are gone, stuff from very early childhood remain embedded firmly in my psyche.
As always you managed to hit a bull's eye. I did not know my mother was a narc when Alzheimer's was killing her. I had only just realized she was abusive at that point.
When we first put her in nursing care, she was combative. She had to see a psychiatrist who prescribed anti-anxiety meds, and I don't know what else. The drugs made her passive and rather sweet. For her, I feel a huge pity. She lived with fear, a feeling of inadequacy, and anger, while I am learning to be free. FYI Your videos have been so helpful. It seems the perfect message comes at the perfect time. Many Blessings
They were always the covert victim, but talking to my older sisters became unbearable because they became negative and fearful about everything. The competitiveness never stopped as they made up dramatic crime scenario reasons why our other sister died..that she was 'dirty', also, (she wasn't), and that brought on colon cancer. It angered me that they'd go that far..
The weather is always catastrophic, the crime so bad one shouldn't even go to a store anymore, they've become paranoid just like Mom did, but they can't see it. It started to rub off on me..I started to be more fearful, it became ridiculous, and I caught myself. The last time I talked to the one, she took cheap shots at me, so it was easy to let her go. Dysfunctional families are often negative and have that 'us vs them' mentality. These are the same ppl that wanted to keep others out and were cultish.
My MIL was narcissistic. When she died of COVID, I cried. She was elderly. I never wanted the strained relationship that we had. I made so many attempts to form a close relationship with her. They were never returned. She dragged my name through the dirt....for reasons unknown. I don't know this for a fact but many things point to this since people I would newly meet through her treated me very poorly. One even said, "I've heard a lot about you" and I laughed and said "I hope it was all good" and they looked at me with this blank stare and walked off. She treated my husband so poorly. She treated her own daughter (who took care of her) like crap. Knowing what I know now, I don't know why I even bothered but I think part of me was in disbelief. My husband told me things about her before we got married but I thought maybe he was exaggerating. She tried to give away her daughter once she was home from the hospital (their father intercepted it). I never had a mother like this, so I just couldn't believe my sweet husband had a mother like this. But he did. She was one of the meanest people I have ever known. The whole thing is sad.
Oh my gosh. This is where I am. They didn't care about my feelings and the relationships she destroyed for me and my siblings, so she can lay in her bed she made.
Question. Why are narcissist generation picture hoarders.
DONT DO IT
Let the golden child take care of the narc parents.
Remember ur the scapegoat child, they treated u like shit, they deprived of resources, they sabotaged u, they encouraged other family members to harass u and maltreat u.
Thanks so much for this video- it's quite timely for us. My father in law is very ill in hospital and it's been horrible to witness his narcissistic personality almost boiled down to its essence- he doesn't know where he is or what's happening, yet he threatens to sue everybody, rages, tells nurses they are doing their job wrong, etc. No manipulation or charm left, just imperiousness, self pity and cruelty and my poor partner is bearing it all, being the only family still in his life.
My mother tells me everything about her health problems and my father’s illness. She doesn’t tell my two siblings anything because “they have a lot going on and l don’t want to worry them”. I am struggling to help care for them while she maintains a facade that everything is fine in front of my siblings. When I told her that it’s unfair and disrespectful to place all this burden on me, she replied that she never asked me for anything and she doesn’t need any help from me.
To have it thrown back in my face like this was very hurtful, but the funny thing is - she’s right. She never asks for anything directly. I offer because I feel compelled by guilt and duty every time she tells me about her problems, until I am so drawn in that I feel I am living her life instead of mine.
I have spoken to my siblings about this and they are of no help. My sister lives far away and in fairness cannot be present, but that did not stop her from telling me that I need to accompany my parents to every single medical appointment they have, something I am quite sure she would never do!
It has really opened my eyes to how my family have manipulated me for their own gain when it suited them and then abandoned me and made me feel a failure in my moments of need when I turned to them for help. I have stepped back for my own sanity and I find myself grieving a family I never really had.
This makes sense! My father just turned 70 and is spewing out the most vile stuff to me and my sister. We feel bad but we have had to block him!
I thank GOD I divorced my ex-husband before he had a massive stroke. I left him 3 yrs before & I wasn't going back. He ended up in a nursing home all alone.
Phenomenal timing on this topic Dr Ramani! ❤you have absolutely saved my life by helping me make sense of so much.
Now that my mother is knee deep in dementia i have finally been able to admit how abusive she really was. She was a pillar of the community but hated me the most out of her 7 kids.
It confuses me, but makes sense at the same time, that I have no problem selling off our amazing childhood home that my parents built from the ground up because it was the stage of so much abuse and hurt.
So many mixed emotions and realizations coming to the surface.
Bless you Dr Ramani for acknowledging the pain and abuse we have struggled with for so long.
I have always been a good daughter but in the past 25 years I have made sure my behavior towards my mother was of my strict choosing, not of a reaction to her fury and hate.
I dont feel pity. Im stoic when it comes to both my Narc parents. I just enjoy the fleeting moments of piece I do have and prepare my self mentaly for when they are gone.
Phew.... I sooo needed this video! I'm an only child that recently (2 weeks ago) had to put my Narc/P-path Father into a Nursing Home. I have so many mixed feelings about it! Guilt, relief, happiness, sadness, etc.
Oh I have a horrible story.....think I need Dr. Ramani for this one. Seriously. I've no words.
My mother is currently in hospital and extremely ill, she's 90 next. She told the doctors and anyone who will listen how no one visits or cares for her. Nothing could be further from the truth. She hasn't told any of the family how we can make arrangements for her after her death. She's so secretive and paranoid that she wont let us pay her household bills. Shes lying in her bed with wires, tubes and an oxygen mask on, covering her phone with her other hand and trying to tap her PIN code to check her bank balance. She's more hateful than ever and constantly inside our heads. I'll never ever be able to understand her and I thank God everyday that Im not like that. I wish so much love for all of you who are in constant disbelief at the behaviour you wittness and for the suffering and heartache that these relationships bring. Thank you Dr Ramani, for bringing things into focuss for us.
I doubt I'll ever feel pity for at least some of the aging narcissists "around me", but surely some folks do.
Narcissists don't feel pity. Don't be the same.
I watch how trump is falling apart and it explains so much.
@@Heather-xz8fk Trump is a good man.
My grandmother has Alzheimer's. I'm 33, and for most of my life, she has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. She bullied me relentlessly, and I truly hated her. As she enters the latter stages of this disease, she has become more docile and needy/ touchy feely and "loving." A lot of this has to do with the fact that she literally needs other people to survive. Like, I do not believe she is cognizant of this fact. But I think her damaged brain is adjusting as much as it can for survival. But there are times when her old narcissistic and hateful self pops out, and I am like, "There you are." Because of this, I have decided to go NC with her. I am glad I got to see a vulnerable and sensitive side to her, but the bad experiences I endured at her hands outweigh the good. I still love her as my grandmother even though I am not emotionally invested in her if that makes sense. I wish her all the best, and I sympathize with what she is going through with this disease. I think she is a brave and beautiful woman for facing this diagnosis head-on and still choosing to live her life as fully as possible. If I succumb to the same fate, I only hope I am half as brave as her. But I also hope I am not like her. Spending a lifetime in regret, guilt, jealousy, shame, and hate. Treating people so poorly that I run everyone away.
The title alone!!! *VERY TIMELY*
I remember being accused of having no love in my heart. Gee who raised me devoid of any love. It was all over money they stole left for me. Their guilt caused alot of trauma. I just cant care if they live or die. Or so i try to tell myself. I still cry at the loss of the only family i had. Its really hard. Thanks dr ramani.
No pity from my side. 💜