Limerance is a real burden. Like it wasn't bad enough to not be consistently loved and cared for as a child, then we have these kinds of painful situations as legacy.
In some way it's mind-boggling that you can feel absolute high from breadcrumbs of "love" from unavailable/not right person, but when offered genuine love from right/available person you feel "bored", "unhappy"... it's a terrible curse. Especially when you realize that you have been unconsciously pushing away right people your whole life.
Healthy Gamer is one of my other favorite mental health related channels, and I love what he said about addictions. "The hard part about giving up an addiction is giving up the bad things it does to you. It's about giving up the good things it provides for you." So for people with limerance the hardest part isn't getting away from the other person's distant/uninterested/unacceptable behavior, it's giving up the excitement and comfort the fantasy of love provides for you.
I would get infatuated with and put them on a pedestal, people who would show me any kind of warmth and interest in me. Often when I was a young kid it would be a Teacher and I would move on to another year or they would. I use to fantasize they would adopt me and this kind of magical thinking continued into adulthood. It was like chasing after an oasis in the dessert while not being able to recognise that there was real water contained in a muddy puddle.
You are very good at giving tough love, reality checking and sagely advice BUT you also remain very kind and diplomatic in your delivery and THAT is what makes your content so good!!! Thank you for impacting my life for the better.
I tend to block out every traumatic moment in the relationship, every time I was insulted, Everytime I felt alone, Everytime I was cheated on - and romanticize the moments that were positive or where I felt loved and seen. Even though she left me for someone else, even though she was cheating on me throughout the relationship. I cried yesterday because I realized I have never known real love, only obsession, only codependency. It’s embarrassing. I’m almost 30. I haven’t opened myself up to love again. I have thought about my ex with all the people she cheated on me with and the person she left me for. I feel betrayed and treated badly but she was the only person I ever loved. I feel sad and sorry for myself that this is something I wanted for so long.
in my last limerant relationship I felt exactly that : “it awakened a part of me that I didn’t have access to “ prior to meeting him. I felt bold and sexy and powerful and confident. It was euphoric and intense. When I was with him I felt alive in a way I never had before. Those feelings would carry me though til the next time I saw him. But sometimes he would disappear And I felt awful and craved him so badly . It was hard to function and focus on real life. Maybe this got created in childhood because my mom was hot and cold with me. So I was either up or down. I learned I was only sometimes worthy of love and attention. And if I take it a generation back- her mother would act like my mom ceased to exist whenever she disapproved of something my mom did. So I supposed the generational trauma got passed down to me. Im committed to breaking this pattern for my own kids.
@@ningjing1113 Her technique is spot on. Write about your fears and resentment, meditate. It has worked for literally millions of people. Best of luck to you
The biggest thing I got out of this was.... closure is really a opening. Got ya. Thank you!! My issue wasn't with a man but with my sister. Abuse is abuse even when it comes from people who shared your crappy childhood.
It’s an opening for her to maintain contact with her junkie ex. “Closure,” is really getting validation for the reasons you walked out the door. The best kind is when your ex tells you, “you did the right thing in leaving.” That’s closure! Does it happen? Almost never, but we still want it.
I did the same thing about twenty years ago, except much worse. I left a kind, loving, and innocent man to be with my ex, someone who was depressed and jobless, except that I thought that was my true love. That "greatest love" lasted a few months, and since then, I have been immersed in self-blame, shame, and regret. I just can't see any hope to redeem myself, or even tell him what a horrible thing I did. Dear Fairy, I wish I had heard about CPTSD twenty years ago. I've been in therapy for the past 8 years and I am still struggling to accept my past. Your message is so clear, kind, and full of compassion. Thank you!!!
Oh, honey, you sound so judgemental toward yourself. We are only human. Don't you think you have suffered enough? It's time to forgive yourself, it really is.
I never realized that it’s a little dopamine high that he TAKES from (an interaction with) her, instead of GIVING her the full relationship and his fiancé the honest goodbye. Thank you Anna. Isn’t it weird that there are super obvious things you realize only later?
Incredibly good feedback but what most impressed me is that you said straight up, not to be deceptive. To hurt another woman is bad karma… to cheat on a good man is bad karma… it just tarnishes everything. Of course, I know by experience. I don’t feel good in deception and I stopped all secrets, all B.S. and it made a great difference in my life and personal happiness. Thanks for these teachings.
Gold. Not just for the limerence part but also a brilliant explanation of some narcissistic tendencies I've noticed. I was worried I had NPD but what you said explains it perfectly.
I used fantasy as a soothing mechanism as a child as both my parents were alcoholics and I was basically forgotten, so it definitely served as an escape for me and continued well into my adult life.
One very positive turning point in my life , was when I made the decision NOT to use people anymore . It was HARD because I was SUCH a dependant personality .... but it was one of the best things I EVER did. I feel clean and free and BOY have I grown !
“That love that helps you feel the eternal and that wonderful connection but real life sucks with them” Such a truth statement. What a wonderful gift of articulation you have Anna ♥️
Dear Fairy, I am a trauma therapist myself. Your videos are amazing and the best help for people with CPTSD. I haven't found any material like yours. You are precise (and also correct!), efficient and yet loving in your explanations. Thank you so much!
I feel this for my ex of forty years. I now realize that I don't miss my husband (who I learned late in the marriage cheated on me repeatedly) but I ruminate on the imaginary man I thought he was all those years. He was great at pretending to be the family oriented loving husband I loved. It's been a nightmare finding out my best friend and love of my life was cheating all along and never really respected or cared about me. When I think back on the decades of good times we had it blows my mind to realize he was just a mirage. I miss the man I believed he was, not the real man he is and that's been very hard to heal from. Thank you for your videos. They help keep me moving toward healing...much appreciated.
Dear crappy childhood fairy, I found you exactly three months ago. You're clearness, your "cut the bullshit fantasy" approach struck me like a lightning. Never in years of therapy, self-help books,meditation and endless girl talks have I found such relief as in understanding. I have come to understand my self better in these three months than ever before. Today was the first day I managed to do your daily practice. I tried for three months. I watched the explanation videos easily five times. It was new everytime , I felt I couldn't understand it, I forgot everything, I forgot to do it everyday, not even not wanting to do it but forgetting it. Fearing what it would do with me, fearing taking up responsibility fearing facing my fears. After three months, I managed to write my own thoughts down. Not some resolution, not a to do list, not something I have to give or read to someone. My own freaking thoughts I have, I carry, I suffer from and I know quite well anyway. Fearing that. Fearing spending time with me because I neglect myself so much. Fearing not numbing me with food or movies or UA-cam or planning something in order to not feel me. My own self. Three months I feared spending meaningful time with myself because I'm filled to the brim with fear, anxiety, brain fog and all this stuff. Childhood ptsd is no joke. But I feel so much gratitude right now. So much relief. I could almost laugh at how hard it was to archive that. Thank you for all you do, you're a blessing. A true god given blessing. I'm forever grateful.
This is one of the most beautiful comments every. I'm keeping it. I can hear in what you say, the good thing is taking place in you. It's rare. It's such a joy to witness! I try and try to explain but can seldom really get it across because it's an experience, not a message. And there you are yexperiencing it. Thank you for taking the time to say all this. I hope you'll come on over to our member community and spend some time with me and all he good people there!
Proud of you for sticking with it - and grateful you found some relief. Now that you've done the Daily Practice course you should receive emails inviting you to the Free calls that Anna hosts. You may enjoy doing the Daily Practice with others live in community. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I can not express what your answer means to me. I understand now, that being able to regulate myself is the key to my inner peace. I was all over the place trying to numb and work with myself, digging up trauma and creating more triggers. And all the while desperately wanting to come home but not being able to stay put because I felt so restless and feared all the thoughts that crept up on me if I stood still to long. Wanting to make a pilgrimage and at the same time not wanting to attempt something so daring because I already am wounded and exhausted. You made a path possible where I don't have to fantasise or run or do irresponsible and harmful stuff to come to rest and be able to wander unharmed and explore myself at the same time. Where I don't have to choose between dependency or abandonment. I'm starting to grasp who I am and feel like this path, this place could someday really exist, unfold inside me. You illuminated a path home for me. It will be my first very own place you know. It's quite significant. I'm on my knees in gratitude and I will for sure come over to fairyland and try to get every glimpse of understanding and growth and light inside my new place. Your invitation, your acknowledgement is holy to me. Thank you fairy.
This is so me! Suffered from this my whole life...in one form or the other. I'm almost thinking it's better to have no relationships at all than the ones in these videos. I've had fantasy relationships of limerence but at 41, i've been single/relationshipless my whole life. I almost think this is preferrable, because i know I would have made toxic, bad choices in who I dated! I'm extremely avoidant though so being single is very easy for me! But rather be single and 'safe' than stuck and in toxic marriages
Genuine and true love is rare and must be cherished in whatever form it takes. It is cherished by preserving the compassion and mercy that you've worked so hard to cultivate. This little video is better than 5 years of therapy. You have changed my life . Thank you!
OK new action plan: I'm throwing all the old relics that hold so much energy from past relationships that I found in my cupboard recently, in the river, after one last remembrance and release ceremony on the full moon eclipse 08 nov 2022. Then I'll never speak of them again. This has to end now.
I needed to hear this more than I needed to drink water today. I'm in the process of leaving my husband of 8 years we both grew up there dramatically we are both products of foster care but I've been sober for almost 4 years and when Corona started he started using again. We have two children together one of them we adopted out when she was a newborn and then I have a son from a previous relationship. I was no longer going to have my children live semi better existence than I had so I left him and he's devastated about it you know I was devastated but I've been going through some healing the past two years since he started using again. Anywho when the crappy childhood fairy said that he was as devastated as she was but she did what she should have done which was leave that made me feel better in my choice so thank you
I can't stop watching your channel as I am inspired by your wisdom! Telling her to cut that person out is good advice. I had a trauma bond with someone & when I committed to cut the person out, it was the only thing that worked for me. What you also said about narcissism and childhood trauma resonated with me too.
Another great video on this topic. Yes, it's like an addiction. The sad part is when you really love someone but it can't and won't work. I personally was good at avoiding, good at never really giving myself, until I wanted to and did. Only to have to let it go because it had little to do with reality. It seemed I had to feel again how much I loved and adored my father as a little girl, but also how much he was no good for me and betrayed my trust. Somewhere deep I always hoped he'd finally see me and respect me ...We don't want to see, and certainly not feel, that we were actually rejected and used, not loved.
I really appreciate your insight and wisdom and how you are able to remain compassionate with your no-bullshit, direct statements. You speak the truth without it sounding judgemental. I admire that.
This is really good, thank you, Anna for answering in such detail. Limerence is no joke! In addition to no talking about them and no thinking about the person, STOP listening to the music you associate with them and your relationship!!!!! I had a playlist that I had to delete because every time I heard the songs it reactivated all the chemicals in my body. Lisa mentioned that music was important to them, so this will be a big place to clean up to keep those thoughts from coming back!
How can I make me stop thinking of him? He is still in my head every single day after 8 months of no contact like a static background noise. It is exhausting... I don't feel able to let it go. 😪
What does it say about our culture, that so few people are talking in an honest and adult manner, on such a painfull topic. Its as if we are collectively innarticulate on matters of the heart. Thankyou anna, i have needed to hear someone say this in the clear manner in which you did.
I really appreciate your stating that certain behaviors are immoral. So many therapists just won't do that. Not everyone gets taught right from wrong. This might be the first time she's heard that
This was sooooooo good! When a person genuinely loves you, they will not put you through that! Love yourself first and you won't allow anyone to put you through anything! ♥️
There is a great scene in The Holiday (spoiler alert) where Kate Winslet's character finally tells Rufus Sewell's character - the guy that has been stringing her along in a really toxic way for 3 years - to get lost. She realises the spell is now broken and it literally makes her jump for joy. I watched that movie recently and it reminded me of Anna's videos explaining limerence - this storyline really does illustrate the pattern and how empowering it is to break it, in the most perfect way.
Yes... got love bombed in 1985, married in 1986, was under the thumb of the narc for 22 years, divorced him, and got a huge education about narcissism in the process. I had no trouble letting him go out on his own... I'm fine with that. As far as the marriage failure goes, been there, done that. This is a good video because you and your profession understand so much more now, glad to hear you educating and helping people understand. 👏👏👏🌄
I would recommend she does tell husband truth because he most likely has suspicious and intrusive thoughts that deserve to be validated so he doesn’t take this self doubt into his future relationships when she ends their marriage abruptly.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THESE LIMERENCE VIDEOS!!! Thank you very much Anna (and Lisa by the way)!!! I had never heard about this infatuation thing until you started talking about it. That moment I realized that, for 40 years, my relationship patterns HAVE BEEN BASED ON LIMERENCE AND "CRAPFIT"!!! ALL my love relationships have been this way!!! What a sad and relieving thing to learn!!! Now I feel free but scared because I don't know if I will ever be able to identify and have a normal, healthy and mutually loving relationship. For now, I prefer staying single and working on my CPTSD issues with the daily practice. Kudos for this mind-blowing video, both the letter (brave Lisa) and the answer (tough love Anna!). LOVE TO ANNA, LISA AND YOU ALL, LIMERENCE PRONE PEOPLE!!! WE GOT THIS!!!
Of your two inner wolves, the shadow or the light, which wolf wins? The one you feed. Thinking and talking and obsessing about that person (rather than releasing the old emotion to let it *leave*) feeds that shadow wolf. The wonderful, real love who is good for you will not be able to show up until you let go of that old energetic entanglement. In shamanic medicine, that includes dissolving the old energy cords to that person every time you think of them, deliberately commanding it aloud, and sending their energy back to them. Otherwise you pick up thoughts and feelings from each other constantly, polluting each other subconsciously back and forth with emotions and thoughts you think are your own - so it becomes a very hard bond to break if you don't continually dissolve those cords. The ho opono pono forgiveness technique, oddly enough, can also help because in the original shamanic teaching of it we're actually asking the universe (it is said to the universe) to correct our former misperception. It's our misperceptions that have caused all this pain, and the universe/Source is happy to help us get our heads on straight again.
Wow this story hits so close to home! I love your compassionate candor ! I just found this channel and am blown away! So looking forward to getting out of my mental prison !
Radical acceptance and a dash of mantra..... "I surrender my doubt, my attachment, my fear.... (repeat) "I surrender my doubt, my attachment, my fear " much love guys... 'KEEP PADDLING '
Learning about limerence (in the past) was so eye opening! Wish I had know about it from the “get go”. But the learning has a life curve of its own. Glad this is in my past (from two intense past trauma bonds). So happy to be solid in my shoes - finally!
Stopped by today to say THANK YOU for helping SO much CCF. You mean the world to me. You're really helping me understand CPTSD and to change my life for the better.
It just occurred to me that this Mike, the ex husband is her drug. He couldn’t stop drugs and work on their marriage and ruined it. She is doing the same with the second husband, she is hooked to the limerence of Mike.
Except for a few details, her story is mine. Just yesterday, I decided I needed to never contact him again and I needed to make sure I never heard from him again. I blocked him and I knew it was the right thing to do, but gosh!--it is uncanny that this would be the video you post today. One thing I did not do--I did not send him a text or email--I felt like I was just trying to have contact but pretending it was a sign off. Maybe I will ask you tomorrow if I should do that on the live Q and A! I remind myself that I am now free from the addiction of waiting to hear from him then interacting with him and ultimately compromising the principles I worked hard to develop after taking your Healing Childhood PTSD course. This is not a loss, going no contact--it truly is freedom. Thank you so much for what you do Anna. I feel like the Crappy Childhood Fairy has saved my life.
The difference between this channel and every other channel that I've turned to is, Anna holds us accountable! Enough with the victimhood! Yes, thank you, I needed that!
Any relationship I’ve had my childhood trauma takes over and ruins it, leaving me broken and devastated. As a result, I have not dated in over 15 years, not even a date. I am fit, healthy, people really like me, successful and still young. I am terrified Of letting anyone in because I literally have PTSD from my last relationship in 2003? People in my life don’t understand why I completely shelter myself from intimate love. I’m scared and now don’t know how to let anyone in. Watching this channel helps me. I would love to be in love. How?
I was about to write a really blunt comment towards Lisa, but I stopped myself to see first how an actual professional would deliver the same message as me, but with the assertiveness and wisdom acquired after years dealing with unpleasant experiences from other people. I gotta say, the manner in which you keep it real but in a way that keeps the other person receptive to the truth is fundamentally what I take from this video (while the rest is a good old reminder to keep my limerent tendencies on a mf leash 😆). Thank you for teaching me that. On another note, coming back to Lisa… Speaking from experience, there is a point in our lives where we gotta stop justifying our own toxic behavior with the cptsd ribbon. I didn’t do crappy stuff in the past because my step-father used to hit me and my mother victim blamed me. I was the only one choosing to be selfish and narcissistic. We are not children who do not know better and are forced to shallow and prolong our abusers’ patterns. We are grown ups with free will and the capacity to question ourselves. To question if we really want to be for others what our abusers were to us or not. A break in the cycle of abuse doesn’t happen only by getting away from selfish abusers, but by also choosing not to become one. And that starts by taking responsibility for our own actions and stopping the habit of justifying our toxic selfishness with the cptsd excuse. Otherwise we are keeping ourselves under its grasp and we are the one not only abusing us, but others. “How do I heal?” Become the opposite of what once hurt you. Love being you so much that you don’t even have time to waste on feeding drama, but rather your own peace, nurturing relationships and life goals.
That's so nice! I'm not a professional. Just a person who's keeping in mind that the letter writer hears what I say, and see's all the comments too, and is trying to heal her life.
I’ve read your long comment hoping to see some personal experience, depth, some valuable insights …. and sorry, honestly I only saw victim-blaming and lack of empathy! I even had a thought you don’t really know what CPTSD is…. We are all here (including the brave author of the letter!) are trying very hard to heal!! And your comment is like smth we would usually hear from (often ignorant) “healthy” people… I also got a title for your comment- “Let them eat cake!” 😒
I agree with you and I am very much a “lisa”-fairy’s delivery is magnificent, tough and meaningful. A good kick to the senses is sometimes what is needed even if we don’t realize it.
@@nataliabogdanova2816 I agree with you. The comment came across as "the real value in watching these videos is to learn to mimic how a professional deals with personality issues," mixed with, "so, no excuses, no compassion." I don't think that's how she meant to come across, but that's what I think we both sensed. But you picked up on how she actually hasn't progressed that far from her own mother, showing how complicated cptsd can be. As TCCF said, some patterns become so natural, we don't even think about it.
This was sooo good! Love your limerance videos. I thought I was just pathetic, didn't realise it's a thing with a name. I appreciate your real and compassionate response
This helped me so much, I am amazed at how blind I have been for so long and getting the clarity of the truth that I just couldn’t see before about myself feelings thoughts the way I’ am attached to people. Thank you so much. ❤️
I haven't struggled with ex obsession for a bit but holy moly did I used to suffer this stuff before! I was convinced my ex was my soul mate and that fate just didn't want us together in this life because we had lessons to learn 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ took tons of soul searching to realize we create our own fate and to quit putting him on a pedestal and comparing every man to him. I excused and rationalized his shitty behavior but for other men I would give absolutely zero leeway which was totes unfair. Good luck to yall trying to break out of this cycle!
How did you break the " toxic spell"? I am still struggeling and need to convince myself every single day for already 8 months not to contact him again. I broke up without closure after more than two years soul draining on and off's. At the moment I am so close to write him and tell him that I regret our breakup and to ask him, if he was ever deeply interested. 🤒
Here is what worked for me. I blocked the person everywhere so there was no chance they could reach out. I met someone else in which the same thing happened but i was quicker to realize the pattern. Then I took time for just myself and spent a lot of time alone. I realized that I had overlooked people who I had a real chance with who were good people. Get grounded. Once that happened I started to feel regret about the time I wasted and I started to wish things had worked out with people I had access to in a real way. This was an important shift. I broke the cycle but you really have to break all contact and move on to get healthy.
@@Jen281 It's still hard because I've been Total No Contact for almost 6 months and he still can somehow get through to me even though he's been blocked🚫. He changes #'s and leaves text, Voicemails, messages, sends gifts. I'm in therapy and have PTSD but I'm healing but have setbacks and many,many triggers.
I get it. Oddly enough the person I broke this with contacted me recently after 5 years. He must have changed his number and got me thru what’s app. I have ignored and deleted his messages and it hasn’t bothered me at all. Him contacting you means nothing. Remember that.
I should add don’t feel compelled to answer or “stick up for yourself” by saying dont contact me. This person has no respect for your boundaries and since yours were previously weak they will always ignore them. You owe this person nothing and communicating anything will pull you into addiction.
I ruined a 40 year friendship because of this. She tried to tell me I was obsessing (she didn't use the term of limerance, but that's what it was), and I stonewalled her- told her we could talk about any subject *but* that. She did not accept that and now we don't talk at all. I lost my friend...for what? For something that doesn't even exist other than in my mind.
I don't think it would change much. We haven’t spoken in over a year, and the last time we did, it was strained. It's not that I have a problem with apologizing or admitting I was wrong, it's just that it wouldn't change things for the better. She has moved on without me.
If only I had seen this video 30 years ago. I wasted 20 years on this type of relationship, saw multiple therapists who only seemed to get me more and more fixated. There wasn’t even a term for it in the ‘90s aside from “the crush from hell.” One therapist told me I exhibited symptoms which people go through when someone has gone missing. Through later research, I learned this term is called “ambiguous loss.” But now I can see that “limerence” is much more accurate. 18 months ago, after realizing I had again found myself in a replication of that 20-year hell (this time lasting 2 years with another addict), I just stopped it cold once I realized what I was doing. Ghosted, blocked, and completely shut down all conversation about it with anyone. It’s the only way to get past it in my (very extensive) experience. Still alone, but better here than in limbo hell.
I've never heard of the word limerence before! It reminds me of the perspective i came too and shared on a different upload of yours. If I had this understanding years ago it would have sped clarity and understanding up so much more. It is so valuable to have emotional education like we get more these days so people can understand themselves more. The world concentrates on academic education and I think the world would be a better place if emotional education was taken more seriously. Thanks again🌻🧡
It's been a few years since I last watched CCF videos, and how amazing have they gotten? The content has always been a life changer but it's so awesome to see Anna has edititng and stuff going on and (I assume and hope, because she deserves it and her work is important) a team. Thanks for being a life changer Anna ❤️
Thank you for posting this. This week I am celebrating the one-year anniversary of my limerent relationship. My "special person" is extremely powerful because she is the full-on personification of my anima. In other words: she is a "femme fatale" who CAN kill me. Trying to get past this is as difficult as quitting heroin. It's almost impossible to describe the emotional flooding -- and the release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin into my system -- that goes along with this relationship.
They are not the same , things are never the same again ,and someone told me no matter what you'll never get over it . For some reason though your kids smile and are happy again so you go on.
So glad I found your channel. This is so enlightening for me as I have struggled with something so similar and had absolutely no idea why it was till now. THANK YOU!!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Anna - I Watch your YT channel since a year or two - sometimes more often sometimes less - but every now and than it strikes me - YOU ARE SO SMART ! No .. actually: you have a WISDOM ❤️ 🙏
When you said Lisa was in her 50's I immediately thought of Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy (Broken Heart Syndrome). Its a real thing, literally painful; I had it with a haaard bout of limerance, my last, that I put down like a favorite pet with cancer, unwillingly, and only because all attempts at a cure failed and broke me financially. Avoid it like the plague, people. It's not a good look. 🙄
Five years post divorce led me to Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, a triple bypass, and two months in the hospital, coded three times, 2.5 years of therapies and caregivers.... So get out.
i was hesitant of your videos, i've tied everything to work through my PTSD trying all the "tools" that was making me lose my mind even more! Hearing your story, and how you break down symptoms of CPTSD gives me sooo much hope and reminds me there is nothing wrong with me..i was ready to give up for good! Thank you for your videos, I'm going to give healing another go
It is a true revelation that you have a name for what has been present in my life since I was 7 years old. I had major obsessive romantic feelings for tv and film actors back as a child and then female teachers too as I entered my teenage years. Nobody knew how strong and uncomfortable my feelings were. I dated boys in my teens which was easy to manage as my feelings weren't strong but I always had major crush's on unattainable people alongside them. I have had quite a few real world relationships with women but struggled a lot with nervous system disregulation and obsessive feelings. I seem to have shut all of that down since my most recent relationship failed so miserably and don't have any feelings at all any more! It has been such a relief for you to put a name to this. Thank you.
Wonderful, thank you. I admire Lisa for being brave enough to write to you with honesty, knowing the pencil of wisdom might get some exercise. Love your compassion and strength, and am trying to internalise your voice to be able to stand up to my own self-defeating habits.
My first love left me 20 years ago. We were together for nine years starting when I was 14. We were engaged to be married. My dad committed suicide, I got depressed, and he couldn’t handle my resulting sadness and moods. I’ve never gotten over him. I think of him every day. I look him up online. I have a fantasy that we will one day somehow end up back together again. We have both since married and have children. I miss him terribly but know this is so unfair and irrational to hold on to.
Thank you, Anna! You are helping people more than you probably even realize. I have just found you, but I think I need more of you videos. I’m starting to put my life thought together and boy is it an eye opener. Darn old limerence- it has hijacked so many people - myself included! Thank you again!
From the way this is described, I wouldn't be surprised if Mike wasn't keeping in touch with other ex-partners/lovers, in addition to Lisa, to get his supply of attention and adoration...
this was so cathartic! i feel grateful that you gave this amazing insight and support to this person that could change their lives. i'm also grateful that you gave *me* understanding and empathy- as someone who has been in the position repeatedly of anna's husband or her exes wife.
I think i found my tribe to heal. Im pretty sure i belong here. I dont get it with strangers, mine are exs. My mom distant and my dad abandon us when i was 11, never heard from him again ever. Looking back, all my bfs are like my dad, what a surprise! I didnt realize it then . Now that ive taken some hermit time, mostly because fighting colon cancer for 3 years, even during pandemic, im in remission. And during all this isolation, i ran into my ex and his bf, and he lost it, i could feel him, or my heart was so excited. Now, hes in my "energy" , dreams, thoughts daily. The feeling i felt made me think hes still in love with me, his staring, tongue out excited moved me. I had butterflies, and a knowing???!!! But nothings happened. And i think its all in my head. Being isolated, fighting cancer, being alone, my family is all gone. I think limerence took over. Since i fit the profile well , im here to heal and learn. You all are so understanding, nothing like that on youtube. And a big thank you for our leader, leading us out of illusion into the pathway for love, no guarantees, but there never are! But at least we will have a good chance with our heathier attitude, our new knowledge, and knowing ourselves better. I had a good cry over this today, my loss of people i loved still effects me. Im not happy i have to fix this, since living through it was tough enough. But, im worth it. Im determined to have healthy romantic relationships. Love and light to all of you!!❤🦋🤩
This content is amazing, Anna! I have to keep replaying because there's so much that you touch on that hits home, I have to allow it to sink in. To " experience the eternal, feel connected with it, know union with another". Oh boy! How many times have I been certain that I had that, but realized I didn't? Plus, I've wasted so much time looking for it. I've either been pining away over lost love, or chasing the perfect storm, for 44 years!!! I appreciate how gentle and honest you always are. Thank you ❤
I cannot understand how I never heard about this until now, good for you for getting this message out there. I do not believe this is only for persons who had childhood trauma, this can happen to anyone whose heart was broken at any time in their life, period, end stop!
Please don’t stop doing these…I am soooooo grateful for you! I’ve gotten more healing from watching video after video and I identify with this so profoundly!! You’re a major blessing to folks like me!! THANK YOU!
Oh boy, i used to be in delusional sutuation, very embarrassing one, and i used to watch these tarot reading. There is a whole new industry created on this.
Thank you for being so gentle and empathetic with these letters and stories. So many other relationship coaches are really harsh and judge mental with these situations. I think the way you explained it will make the author more likely to take your advice
I actually didnt think you would comment on the insurance aspect of her relationship. Thats something that doesnt get talked about in relationships but as a male, that issue is always there in the background. Thankyou for adressing her breach of integrity in an honest and compassionate manner. It helped me think differently about that type of behavior, with more discernment and less judgement. Another thing that doesnt get talked about is the questionable ethics of therapists who likely know they need to tell their clients some uncomfortable truths...and yet there are few incentives for them to behave ethically.
Thank you so much for this , words can not thank you enough , Im so gratful for these videos as Im going through a painful experince and sometimes I just feel so lost and broken , you remind me every time that I chose the right decision , thank you ❤️
She's still got some fixing to do. You have to be able to look into the eyes of the person in the mirror and like that person! To do that you must behave as a person you respect. Reprogram yourself worthy, yourself love, yourself respect.
Thank you so much for these limerence videos. Even though I had a warm childhood, I’ve been suffering from it my whole life. A male in his 34 and never really dated anyone for more than three months. Every time one of those micro-relationships ends, I decide to have a long hiatus. The last thing I had I was overwhelmed with love bombing and breadcrumbing (the person was probably a narc and certainly emotionally unavailable). It lasted less than a month but it seriously devasted me because it was the first time someone sad that was in love with me. I’m stuck in this state of apathy, obsession and fantasizing over this person. Failed miserably with the no contact thing. It’s been 2 months of pure and insufferable torture. I know it’s pathetic because the whole ordeal lasted less than a month, but here I am.
Thank you for your comment. Sounds like you've been through a lot. The Daily Practice can provide clarity. Anna also has a Dating & Relationships course that you can check out. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice bit.ly/CCF-Dating Caleb@TeamFairy
This is just what I needed to hear. I have just heard my ex from 40 yrs ago - he used drugs and I found out when we were married. Yes now I am sitting here beating myself up as I have just heard he has passed away. I really did love him but could not live with constant cannabis use. I yelled and screamed nothing AlAnon in the way I behaved. I later apologised for my behaviour for the way I dealt with it. He moved on literally in months - another sign he didn't love me. So here I am thinking I left the love of my life...the effect on my life was catastrophic tho, lost child bearing years, my home etc. Lost my confidence. So thank you I can wish he rests in peace and move on. Yes mine was a charismatic addict.
Limerance is a real burden. Like it wasn't bad enough to not be consistently loved and cared for as a child, then we have these kinds of painful situations as legacy.
You’re right but we can’t drown in our sorrow. We have to get back up
I can soo relate
Yep. We can do this guys, I believe in us.
Totally agree
😭😭😭 limerance is like a prison! I don’t want to be in! Why so hard to get out?!…
In some way it's mind-boggling that you can feel absolute high from breadcrumbs of "love" from unavailable/not right person, but when offered genuine love from right/available person you feel "bored", "unhappy"... it's a terrible curse. Especially when you realize that you have been unconsciously pushing away right people your whole life.
Ouch. That was a relatable comment. Needed to see this! Thank you! I needed that truth, put in words
Limerence. I feel as if I have been struggling with a disease and been misdiagnosed for 30 years and FINALLY getting the right diagnosis. Life saving.
Yes!
Healthy Gamer is one of my other favorite mental health related channels, and I love what he said about addictions.
"The hard part about giving up an addiction is giving up the bad things it does to you. It's about giving up the good things it provides for you."
So for people with limerance the hardest part isn't getting away from the other person's distant/uninterested/unacceptable behavior, it's giving up the excitement and comfort the fantasy of love provides for you.
I love his videos. And that’s so true!!!
Hello to another healthy gamer! Found this late but better than never
this is brutal
I agree. 👍👍👍👍
I would get infatuated with and put them on a pedestal, people who would show me any kind of warmth and interest in me. Often when I was a young kid it would be a Teacher and I would move on to another year or they would. I use to fantasize they would adopt me and this kind of magical thinking continued into adulthood.
It was like chasing after an oasis in the dessert while not being able to recognise that there was real water contained in a muddy puddle.
"Sometimes the great love you feel is not compatible with daily life." ---- Truth! ---
✝2348113278023⏯⏯⏯⏯Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,:
True. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually, I can no longer afford Love. It's a rigged game that I cannot win.
Yes. Fantastic. Simple but profound for those of us living in this hell.
You are very good at giving tough love, reality checking and sagely advice BUT you also remain very kind and diplomatic in your delivery and THAT is what makes your content so good!!! Thank you for impacting my life for the better.
Thank YOU so much for the kind words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I knew I wasn’t a narcissist, but when I am low.... I really do not care about anyone else. Thank you for validating this.
💞 I love how gently you call people out. I’m so grateful I found your channel and can binge watch them 🙌🏻
Delivery of advice is spot on from fairy 🧚🏻♀️! !
i feel exactly the same.
@@ningjing1113 huh? ok
me too ! In every video I pind piece of me !!
Me too, I am so glad I found this channel also
I tend to block out every traumatic moment in the relationship, every time I was insulted, Everytime I felt alone, Everytime I was cheated on - and romanticize the moments that were positive or where I felt loved and seen. Even though she left me for someone else, even though she was cheating on me throughout the relationship. I cried yesterday because I realized I have never known real love, only obsession, only codependency. It’s embarrassing. I’m almost 30. I haven’t opened myself up to love again. I have thought about my ex with all the people she cheated on me with and the person she left me for. I feel betrayed and treated badly but she was the only person I ever loved. I feel sad and sorry for myself that this is something I wanted for so long.
How are you now brother ? Going through the same situation. It hurts so bad 😞
I hope you’re feeling better today. She didn’t deserve your love and you didn’t deserve to be treated so cruelly. Hope you do find true love someday
in my last limerant relationship I felt exactly that : “it awakened a part of me that I didn’t have access to “ prior to meeting him. I felt bold and sexy and powerful and confident. It was euphoric and intense. When I was with him I felt alive in a way I never had before. Those feelings would carry me though til the next time I saw him. But sometimes he would disappear And I felt awful and craved him so badly . It was hard to function and focus on real life. Maybe this got created in childhood because my mom was hot and cold with me. So I was either up or down. I learned I was only sometimes worthy of love and attention. And if I take it a generation back- her mother would act like my mom ceased to exist whenever she disapproved of something my mom did. So I supposed the generational trauma got passed down to me. Im committed to breaking this pattern for my own kids.
Don't you just love Anna? Her insight about the very common afflictions we suffer is amazing...
@@ningjing1113 Her technique is spot on. Write about your fears and resentment, meditate. It has worked for literally millions of people. Best of luck to you
40:25 - an extremely underrated technique for getting someone out of your mind: don't think about them, don't talk about them.
The biggest thing I got out of this was.... closure is really a opening. Got ya. Thank you!! My issue wasn't with a man but with my sister. Abuse is abuse even when it comes from people who shared your crappy childhood.
It’s an opening for her to maintain contact with her junkie ex. “Closure,” is really getting validation for the reasons you walked out the door. The best kind is when your ex tells you, “you did the right thing in leaving.” That’s closure! Does it happen? Almost never, but we still want it.
These limerance videos have been really helpful for me. 😢 Bless the people brave enough to share their stories so that we can all learn and heal 🙏💕
This is a sweet comment
I did the same thing about twenty years ago, except much worse. I left a kind, loving, and innocent man to be with my ex, someone who was depressed and jobless, except that I thought that was my true love. That "greatest love" lasted a few months, and since then, I have been immersed in self-blame, shame, and regret. I just can't see any hope to redeem myself, or even tell him what a horrible thing I did. Dear Fairy, I wish I had heard about CPTSD twenty years ago. I've been in therapy for the past 8 years and I am still struggling to accept my past. Your message is so clear, kind, and full of compassion. Thank you!!!
Oh, honey, you sound so judgemental toward yourself. We are only human. Don't you think you have suffered enough? It's time to forgive yourself, it really is.
@@Milnjed WOW what a refreshing and beautiful comment filled with compassion. I need more people like you in my life. god bless you.
@@Milnjed We are much more than human. We are pure awareness. The rest I fully agree with tho
The letter writer is really honest. She doesn´t bother to cover up the facts that make her look "less virtuous". I think she is sick of lies by now.
good point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I never realized that it’s a little dopamine high that he TAKES from (an interaction with) her, instead of GIVING her the full relationship and his fiancé the honest goodbye. Thank you Anna. Isn’t it weird that there are super obvious things you realize only later?
Incredibly good feedback but what most impressed me is that you said straight up, not to be deceptive. To hurt another woman is bad karma… to cheat on a good man is bad karma… it just tarnishes everything. Of course, I know by experience. I don’t feel good in deception and I stopped all secrets, all B.S. and it made a great difference in my life and personal happiness. Thanks for these teachings.
Gold. Not just for the limerence part but also a brilliant explanation of some narcissistic tendencies I've noticed. I was worried I had NPD but what you said explains it perfectly.
So glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ah ..dealing with this right now
I used fantasy as a soothing mechanism as a child as both my parents were alcoholics and I was basically forgotten, so it definitely served as an escape for me and continued well into my adult life.
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
One very positive turning point in my life , was when I made the decision NOT to use people anymore .
It was HARD because I was SUCH a dependant personality .... but it was one of the best things I EVER did.
I feel clean and free and BOY have I grown !
“That love that helps you feel the eternal and that wonderful connection but real life sucks with them” Such a truth statement. What a wonderful gift of articulation you have Anna ♥️
Yes thank u thats it!!
Dear Fairy, I am a trauma therapist myself. Your videos are amazing and the best help for people with CPTSD. I haven't found any material like yours. You are precise (and also correct!), efficient and yet loving in your explanations. Thank you so much!
Thank YOU so much @Claudia_Orellana. Your support is so appreciated!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel this for my ex of forty years. I now realize that I don't miss my husband (who I learned late in the marriage cheated on me repeatedly) but I ruminate on the imaginary man I thought he was all those years. He was great at pretending to be the family oriented loving husband I loved. It's been a nightmare finding out my best friend and love of my life was cheating all along and never really respected or cared about me. When I think back on the decades of good times we had it blows my mind to realize he was just a mirage. I miss the man I believed he was, not the real man he is and that's been very hard to heal from. Thank you for your videos. They help keep me moving toward healing...much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing, glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Being in limbo that's exactly where I've been for four or five years now
It's easy to get stuck there but there are definite steps to come out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear crappy childhood fairy,
I found you exactly three months ago. You're clearness, your "cut the bullshit fantasy" approach struck me like a lightning. Never in years of therapy, self-help books,meditation and endless girl talks have I found such relief as in understanding. I have come to understand my self better in these three months than ever before.
Today was the first day I managed to do your daily practice. I tried for three months. I watched the explanation videos easily five times. It was new everytime , I felt I couldn't understand it, I forgot everything, I forgot to do it everyday, not even not wanting to do it but forgetting it. Fearing what it would do with me, fearing taking up responsibility fearing facing my fears. After three months, I managed to write my own thoughts down. Not some resolution, not a to do list, not something I have to give or read to someone. My own freaking thoughts I have, I carry, I suffer from and I know quite well anyway. Fearing that. Fearing spending time with me because I neglect myself so much. Fearing not numbing me with food or movies or UA-cam or planning something in order to not feel me. My own self. Three months I feared spending meaningful time with myself because I'm filled to the brim with fear, anxiety, brain fog and all this stuff. Childhood ptsd is no joke.
But I feel so much gratitude right now. So much relief. I could almost laugh at how hard it was to archive that.
Thank you for all you do, you're a blessing. A true god given blessing. I'm forever grateful.
This is one of the most beautiful comments every. I'm keeping it. I can hear in what you say, the good thing is taking place in you. It's rare. It's such a joy to witness! I try and try to explain but can seldom really get it across because it's an experience, not a message. And there you are yexperiencing it. Thank you for taking the time to say all this. I hope you'll come on over to our member community and spend some time with me and all he good people there!
Proud of you for sticking with it - and grateful you found some relief. Now that you've done the Daily Practice course you should receive emails inviting you to the Free calls that Anna hosts. You may enjoy doing the Daily Practice with others live in community. - Ashley, Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I can not express what your answer means to me. I understand now, that being able to regulate myself is the key to my inner peace. I was all over the place trying to numb and work with myself, digging up trauma and creating more triggers.
And all the while desperately wanting to come home but not being able to stay put because I felt so restless and feared all the thoughts that crept up on me if I stood still to long.
Wanting to make a pilgrimage and at the same time not wanting to attempt something so daring because I already am wounded and exhausted.
You made a path possible where I don't have to fantasise or run or do irresponsible
and harmful stuff to come to rest and be able to wander unharmed and explore myself at the same time. Where I don't have to choose between dependency or abandonment.
I'm starting to grasp who I am and feel like this path, this place could someday really exist, unfold inside me. You illuminated a path home for me. It will be my first very own place you know. It's quite significant.
I'm on my knees in gratitude and I will for sure come over to fairyland and try to get every glimpse of understanding and growth and light inside my new place.
Your invitation, your acknowledgement is holy to me.
Thank you fairy.
I've really needed these videos on limerence and infatuation.
This is so me! Suffered from this my whole life...in one form or the other. I'm almost thinking it's better to have no relationships at all than the ones in these videos. I've had fantasy relationships of limerence but at 41, i've been single/relationshipless my whole life. I almost think this is preferrable, because i know I would have made toxic, bad choices in who I dated! I'm extremely avoidant though so being single is very easy for me! But rather be single and 'safe' than stuck and in toxic marriages
Genuine and true love is rare and must be cherished in whatever form it takes. It is cherished by preserving the compassion and mercy that you've worked so hard to cultivate. This little video is better than 5 years of therapy. You have changed my life . Thank you!
This is full of lightbulb moments for me. Thank you so much Anna for more of your sage advice and gentle, honest encouragement.
Stop stalking your ex
I love how gentle yet direct you are. It's a great combo!
That’s so true exactly
Great commentary
OK new action plan: I'm throwing all the old relics that hold so much energy from past relationships that I found in my cupboard recently, in the river, after one last remembrance and release ceremony on the full moon eclipse 08 nov 2022. Then I'll never speak of them again. This has to end now.
I needed to hear this more than I needed to drink water today. I'm in the process of leaving my husband of 8 years we both grew up there dramatically we are both products of foster care but I've been sober for almost 4 years and when Corona started he started using again. We have two children together one of them we adopted out when she was a newborn and then I have a son from a previous relationship. I was no longer going to have my children live semi better existence than I had so I left him and he's devastated about it you know I was devastated but I've been going through some healing the past two years since he started using again. Anywho when the crappy childhood fairy said that he was as devastated as she was but she did what she should have done which was leave that made me feel better in my choice so thank you
I can't stop watching your channel as I am inspired by your wisdom! Telling her to cut that person out is good advice. I had a trauma bond with someone & when I committed to cut the person out, it was the only thing that worked for me. What you also said about narcissism and childhood trauma resonated with me too.
Another great video on this topic. Yes, it's like an addiction. The sad part is when you really love someone but it can't and won't work. I personally was good at avoiding, good at never really giving myself, until I wanted to and did. Only to have to let it go because it had little to do with reality. It seemed I had to feel again how much I loved and adored my father as a little girl, but also how much he was no good for me and betrayed my trust. Somewhere deep I always hoped he'd finally see me and respect me ...We don't want to see, and certainly not feel, that we were actually rejected and used, not loved.
I really appreciate your insight and wisdom and how you are able to remain compassionate with your no-bullshit, direct statements. You speak the truth without it sounding judgemental. I admire that.
This is really good, thank you, Anna for answering in such detail. Limerence is no joke! In addition to no talking about them and no thinking about the person, STOP listening to the music you associate with them and your relationship!!!!! I had a playlist that I had to delete because every time I heard the songs it reactivated all the chemicals in my body. Lisa mentioned that music was important to them, so this will be a big place to clean up to keep those thoughts from coming back!
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yep. Even after 17 YEARS (!!!) those songs still take me right back to that experience.
How can I make me stop thinking of him? He is still in my head every single day after 8 months of no contact like a static background noise. It is exhausting... I don't feel able to let it go. 😪
What does it say about our culture, that so few people are talking in an honest and adult manner, on such a painfull topic. Its as if we are collectively innarticulate on matters of the heart. Thankyou anna, i have needed to hear someone say this in the clear manner in which you did.
"Inarticulate on matters of the heart"- very well worded👌
@@samanthahughes6669 if i may say so myself :-)
I really appreciate your stating that certain behaviors are immoral. So many therapists just won't do that. Not everyone gets taught right from wrong. This might be the first time she's heard that
This was sooooooo good! When a person genuinely loves you, they will not put you through that! Love yourself first and you won't allow anyone to put you through anything! ♥️
There is a great scene in The Holiday (spoiler alert) where Kate Winslet's character finally tells Rufus Sewell's character - the guy that has been stringing her along in a really toxic way for 3 years - to get lost. She realises the spell is now broken and it literally makes her jump for joy. I watched that movie recently and it reminded me of Anna's videos explaining limerence - this storyline really does illustrate the pattern and how empowering it is to break it, in the most perfect way.
I thought of this same scene myself 🙌
Yes... got love bombed in 1985, married in 1986, was under the thumb of the narc for 22 years, divorced him, and got a huge education about narcissism in the process. I had no trouble letting him go out on his own... I'm fine with that. As far as the marriage failure goes, been there, done that. This is a good video because you and your profession understand so much more now, glad to hear you educating and helping people understand. 👏👏👏🌄
I would recommend she does tell husband truth because he most likely has suspicious and intrusive thoughts that deserve to be validated so he doesn’t take this self doubt into his future relationships when she ends their marriage abruptly.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THESE LIMERENCE VIDEOS!!! Thank you very much Anna (and Lisa by the way)!!! I had never heard about this infatuation thing until you started talking about it. That moment I realized that, for 40 years, my relationship patterns HAVE BEEN BASED ON LIMERENCE AND "CRAPFIT"!!! ALL my love relationships have been this way!!! What a sad and relieving thing to learn!!! Now I feel free but scared because I don't know if I will ever be able to identify and have a normal, healthy and mutually loving relationship. For now, I prefer staying single and working on my CPTSD issues with the daily practice.
Kudos for this mind-blowing video, both the letter (brave Lisa) and the answer (tough love Anna!).
LOVE TO ANNA, LISA AND YOU ALL, LIMERENCE PRONE PEOPLE!!! WE GOT THIS!!!
✝2348113278023⏯⏯⏯⏯Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,:
Wow, massive respect for this degree of professionalism and human integrity!
Of your two inner wolves, the shadow or the light, which wolf wins? The one you feed. Thinking and talking and obsessing about that person (rather than releasing the old emotion to let it *leave*) feeds that shadow wolf. The wonderful, real love who is good for you will not be able to show up until you let go of that old energetic entanglement. In shamanic medicine, that includes dissolving the old energy cords to that person every time you think of them, deliberately commanding it aloud, and sending their energy back to them. Otherwise you pick up thoughts and feelings from each other constantly, polluting each other subconsciously back and forth with emotions and thoughts you think are your own - so it becomes a very hard bond to break if you don't continually dissolve those cords. The ho opono pono forgiveness technique, oddly enough, can also help because in the original shamanic teaching of it we're actually asking the universe (it is said to the universe) to correct our former misperception. It's our misperceptions that have caused all this pain, and the universe/Source is happy to help us get our heads on straight again.
I could not love myself until I was loved. Let God love you and reparent you, Jesus knows and cares.
Wow this story hits so close to home! I love your compassionate candor ! I just found this channel and am blown away! So looking forward to getting out of my mental prison !
You can do it! Welcome :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Radical acceptance and a dash of mantra..... "I surrender my doubt, my attachment, my fear.... (repeat) "I surrender my doubt, my attachment, my fear " much love guys... 'KEEP PADDLING '
yes ♥️
Learning about limerence (in the past) was so eye opening! Wish I had know about it from the “get go”. But the learning has a life curve of its own. Glad this is in my past (from two intense past trauma bonds). So happy to be solid in my shoes - finally!
Block him from everywhere , so u dont wait for him to msg
Stopped by today to say THANK YOU for helping SO much CCF. You mean the world to me. You're really helping me understand CPTSD and to change my life for the better.
That's so good to hear, Billie!
This was so good. Thank you for going there and saying the uncomfortable things. It helps so much ❤️
It just occurred to me that this Mike, the ex husband is her drug. He couldn’t stop drugs and work on their marriage and ruined it. She is doing the same with the second husband, she is hooked to the limerence of Mike.
@Fan Mar= bingo
Except for a few details, her story is mine. Just yesterday, I decided I needed to never contact him again and I needed to make sure I never heard from him again. I blocked him and I knew it was the right thing to do, but gosh!--it is uncanny that this would be the video you post today. One thing I did not do--I did not send him a text or email--I felt like I was just trying to have contact but pretending it was a sign off. Maybe I will ask you tomorrow if I should do that on the live Q and A! I remind myself that I am now free from the addiction of waiting to hear from him then interacting with him and ultimately compromising the principles I worked hard to develop after taking your Healing Childhood PTSD course. This is not a loss, going no contact--it truly is freedom. Thank you so much for what you do Anna. I feel like the Crappy Childhood Fairy has saved my life.
"When a person loves you, they don't put you through this."
The difference between this channel and every other channel that I've turned to is, Anna holds us accountable! Enough with the victimhood! Yes, thank you, I needed that!
Any relationship I’ve had my childhood trauma takes over and ruins it, leaving me broken and devastated. As a result, I have not dated in over 15 years, not even a date. I am fit, healthy, people really like me, successful and still young. I am terrified Of letting anyone in because I literally have PTSD from my last relationship in 2003? People in my life don’t understand why I completely shelter myself from intimate love. I’m scared and now don’t know how to let anyone in. Watching this channel helps me. I would love to be in love. How?
I was about to write a really blunt comment towards Lisa, but I stopped myself to see first how an actual professional would deliver the same message as me, but with the assertiveness and wisdom acquired after years dealing with unpleasant experiences from other people. I gotta say, the manner in which you keep it real but in a way that keeps the other person receptive to the truth is fundamentally what I take from this video (while the rest is a good old reminder to keep my limerent tendencies on a mf leash 😆). Thank you for teaching me that.
On another note, coming back to Lisa…
Speaking from experience, there is a point in our lives where we gotta stop justifying our own toxic behavior with the cptsd ribbon. I didn’t do crappy stuff in the past because my step-father used to hit me and my mother victim blamed me. I was the only one choosing to be selfish and narcissistic.
We are not children who do not know better and are forced to shallow and prolong our abusers’ patterns. We are grown ups with free will and the capacity to question ourselves. To question if we really want to be for others what our abusers were to us or not.
A break in the cycle of abuse doesn’t happen only by getting away from selfish abusers, but by also choosing not to become one. And that starts by taking responsibility for our own actions and stopping the habit of justifying our toxic selfishness with the cptsd excuse. Otherwise we are keeping ourselves under its grasp and we are the one not only abusing us, but others.
“How do I heal?”
Become the opposite of what once hurt you. Love being you so much that you don’t even have time to waste on feeding drama, but rather your own peace, nurturing relationships and life goals.
That's so nice! I'm not a professional. Just a person who's keeping in mind that the letter writer hears what I say, and see's all the comments too, and is trying to heal her life.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy is compassionate and empathetic. A real good example of healthy.
I’ve read your long comment hoping to see some personal experience, depth, some valuable insights …. and sorry, honestly I only saw victim-blaming and lack of empathy! I even had a thought you don’t really know what CPTSD is….
We are all here (including the brave author of the letter!) are trying very hard to heal!!
And your comment is like smth we would usually hear from (often ignorant) “healthy” people…
I also got a title for your comment-
“Let them eat cake!” 😒
I agree with you and I am very much a “lisa”-fairy’s delivery is magnificent, tough and meaningful. A good kick to the senses is sometimes what is needed even if we don’t realize it.
@@nataliabogdanova2816 I agree with you. The comment came across as "the real value in watching these videos is to learn to mimic how a professional deals with personality issues," mixed with, "so, no excuses, no compassion." I don't think that's how she meant to come across, but that's what I think we both sensed. But you picked up on how she actually hasn't progressed that far from her own mother, showing how complicated cptsd can be. As TCCF said, some patterns become so natural, we don't even think about it.
This was sooo good! Love your limerance videos. I thought I was just pathetic, didn't realise it's a thing with a name. I appreciate your real and compassionate response
This helped me so much, I am amazed at how blind I have been for so long and getting the clarity of the truth that I just couldn’t see before about myself feelings thoughts the way I’ am attached to people. Thank you so much. ❤️
I haven't struggled with ex obsession for a bit but holy moly did I used to suffer this stuff before! I was convinced my ex was my soul mate and that fate just didn't want us together in this life because we had lessons to learn 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ took tons of soul searching to realize we create our own fate and to quit putting him on a pedestal and comparing every man to him. I excused and rationalized his shitty behavior but for other men I would give absolutely zero leeway which was totes unfair. Good luck to yall trying to break out of this cycle!
How did you break the " toxic spell"? I am still struggeling and need to convince myself every single day for already 8 months not to contact him again. I broke up without closure after more than two years soul draining on and off's. At the moment I am so close to write him and tell him that I regret our breakup and to ask him, if he was ever deeply interested. 🤒
Here is what worked for me. I blocked the person everywhere so there was no chance they could reach out. I met someone else in which the same thing happened but i was quicker to realize the pattern. Then I took time for just myself and spent a lot of time alone. I realized that I had overlooked people who I had a real chance with who were good people. Get grounded. Once that happened I started to feel regret about the time I wasted and I started to wish things had worked out with people I had access to in a real way. This was an important shift. I broke the cycle but you really have to break all contact and move on to get healthy.
@@Jen281 It's still hard because I've been Total No Contact for almost 6 months and he still can somehow get through to me even though he's been blocked🚫. He changes #'s and leaves text, Voicemails, messages, sends gifts. I'm in therapy and have PTSD but I'm healing but have setbacks and many,many triggers.
I get it. Oddly enough the person I broke this with contacted me recently after 5 years. He must have changed his number and got me thru what’s app. I have ignored and deleted his messages and it hasn’t bothered me at all. Him contacting you means nothing. Remember that.
I should add don’t feel compelled to answer or “stick up for yourself” by saying dont contact me. This person has no respect for your boundaries and since yours were previously weak they will always ignore them. You owe this person nothing and communicating anything will pull you into addiction.
I ruined a 40 year friendship because of this. She tried to tell me I was obsessing (she didn't use the term of limerance, but that's what it was), and I stonewalled her- told her we could talk about any subject *but* that. She did not accept that and now we don't talk at all. I lost my friend...for what? For something that doesn't even exist other than in my mind.
Is it too late to apologize to her and let her know you see the truth now?
I don't think it would change much. We haven’t spoken in over a year, and the last time we did, it was strained. It's not that I have a problem with apologizing or admitting I was wrong, it's just that it wouldn't change things for the better. She has moved on without me.
If only I had seen this video 30 years ago. I wasted 20 years on this type of relationship, saw multiple therapists who only seemed to get me more and more fixated. There wasn’t even a term for it in the ‘90s aside from “the crush from hell.” One therapist told me I exhibited symptoms which people go through when someone has gone missing. Through later research, I learned this term is called “ambiguous loss.” But now I can see that “limerence” is much more accurate. 18 months ago, after realizing I had again found myself in a replication of that 20-year hell (this time lasting 2 years with another addict), I just stopped it cold once I realized what I was doing. Ghosted, blocked, and completely shut down all conversation about it with anyone. It’s the only way to get past it in my (very extensive) experience. Still alone, but better here than in limbo hell.
I've never heard of the word limerence before! It reminds me of the perspective i came too and shared on a different upload of yours. If I had this understanding years ago it would have sped clarity and understanding up so much more. It is so valuable to have emotional education like we get more these days so people can understand themselves more. The world concentrates on academic education and I think the world would be a better place if emotional education was taken more seriously.
Thanks again🌻🧡
I had never heard of Limerence until I heard you discuss it, it has definitely made me more aware
This was such a good video! You offered compassion and demanded accountability in equal measure. Hopefully Lynn heeds your advice.
It's been a few years since I last watched CCF videos, and how amazing have they gotten? The content has always been a life changer but it's so awesome to see Anna has edititng and stuff going on and (I assume and hope, because she deserves it and her work is important) a team. Thanks for being a life changer Anna ❤️
So good. Thank you. I will take the words and carry them in my heart "if someone can't or won't be with you they're not for you".
Thank you for posting this. This week I am celebrating the one-year anniversary of my limerent relationship. My "special person" is extremely powerful because she is the full-on personification of my anima. In other words: she is a "femme fatale" who CAN kill me. Trying to get past this is as difficult as quitting heroin. It's almost impossible to describe the emotional flooding -- and the release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin into my system -- that goes along with this relationship.
Youve helped me more than therapy, honestly. Ty so much for your content! I feel like i have grown in the past few months since I've found you
People will take what your prepared to lose . Simple .
They are not the same , things are never the same again ,and someone told me no matter what you'll never get over it . For some reason though your kids smile and are happy again so you go on.
So glad I found your channel. This is so enlightening for me as I have struggled with something so similar and had absolutely no idea why it was till now. THANK YOU!!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Anna - I Watch your YT channel since a year or two - sometimes more often sometimes less - but every now and than it strikes me - YOU ARE SO SMART !
No .. actually: you have a WISDOM
❤️ 🙏
Someone that loves you doesn’t do this to you, IF they’re aware of it.
When you said Lisa was in her 50's I immediately thought of Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy (Broken Heart Syndrome). Its a real thing, literally painful; I had it with a haaard bout of limerance, my last, that I put down like a favorite pet with cancer, unwillingly, and only because all attempts at a cure failed and broke me financially. Avoid it like the plague, people. It's not a good look. 🙄
✝2348113278023⏯⏯⏯⏯Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,:
Five years post divorce led me to Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, a triple bypass, and two months in the hospital, coded three times, 2.5 years of therapies and caregivers.... So get out.
i was hesitant of your videos, i've tied everything to work through my PTSD trying all the "tools" that was making me lose my mind even more!
Hearing your story, and how you break down symptoms of CPTSD gives me sooo much hope and reminds me there is nothing wrong with me..i was ready to give up for good!
Thank you for your videos, I'm going to give healing another go
It is a true revelation that you have a name for what has been present in my life since I was 7 years old. I had major obsessive romantic feelings for tv and film actors back as a child and then female teachers too as I entered my teenage years. Nobody knew how strong and uncomfortable my feelings were. I dated boys in my teens which was easy to manage as my feelings weren't strong but I always had major crush's on unattainable people alongside them. I have had quite a few real world relationships with women but struggled a lot with nervous system disregulation and obsessive feelings. I seem to have shut all of that down since my most recent relationship failed so miserably and don't have any feelings at all any more! It has been such a relief for you to put a name to this. Thank you.
What an amazing way to give tough love. She knows what she needs to do.
Good people can’t be happy doing the wrong things.
Great point!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wonderful, thank you. I admire Lisa for being brave enough to write to you with honesty, knowing the pencil of wisdom might get some exercise. Love your compassion and strength, and am trying to internalise your voice to be able to stand up to my own self-defeating habits.
My first love left me 20 years ago. We were together for nine years starting when I was 14. We were engaged to be married. My dad committed suicide, I got depressed, and he couldn’t handle my resulting sadness and moods. I’ve never gotten over him. I think of him every day. I look him up online. I have a fantasy that we will one day somehow end up back together again. We have both since married and have children. I miss him terribly but know this is so unfair and irrational to hold on to.
Thank you, Anna! You are helping people more than you probably even realize. I have just found you, but I think I need more of you videos. I’m starting to put my life thought together and boy is it an eye opener. Darn old limerence- it has hijacked so many people - myself included! Thank you again!
You are so welcome!
From the way this is described, I wouldn't be surprised if Mike wasn't keeping in touch with other ex-partners/lovers, in addition to Lisa, to get his supply of attention and adoration...
this was so cathartic! i feel grateful that you gave this amazing insight and support to this person that could change their lives. i'm also grateful that you gave *me* understanding and empathy- as someone who has been in the position repeatedly of anna's husband or her exes wife.
I think i found my tribe to heal. Im pretty sure i belong here. I dont get it with strangers, mine are exs. My mom distant and my dad abandon us when i was 11, never heard from him again ever. Looking back, all my bfs are like my dad, what a surprise! I didnt realize it then . Now that ive taken some hermit time, mostly because fighting colon cancer for 3 years, even during pandemic, im in remission. And during all this isolation, i ran into my ex and his bf, and he lost it, i could feel him, or my heart was so excited. Now, hes in my "energy" , dreams, thoughts daily. The feeling i felt made me think hes still in love with me, his staring, tongue out excited moved me. I had butterflies, and a knowing???!!! But nothings happened. And i think its all in my head. Being isolated, fighting cancer, being alone, my family is all gone. I think limerence took over. Since i fit the profile well , im here to heal and learn. You all are so understanding, nothing like that on youtube. And a big thank you for our leader, leading us out of illusion into the pathway for love, no guarantees, but there never are! But at least we will have a good chance with our heathier attitude, our new knowledge, and knowing ourselves better. I had a good cry over this today, my loss of people i loved still effects me. Im not happy i have to fix this, since living through it was tough enough. But, im worth it. Im determined to have healthy romantic relationships. Love and light to all of you!!❤🦋🤩
This content is amazing, Anna! I have to keep replaying because there's so much that you touch on that hits home, I have to allow it to sink in. To " experience the eternal, feel connected with it, know union with another". Oh boy! How many times have I been certain that I had that, but realized I didn't? Plus, I've wasted so much time looking for it. I've either been pining away over lost love, or chasing the perfect storm, for 44 years!!! I appreciate how gentle and honest you always are. Thank you ❤
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I cannot understand how I never heard about this until now, good for you for getting this message out there. I do not believe this is only for persons who had childhood trauma, this can happen to anyone whose heart was broken at any time in their life, period, end stop!
Please don’t stop doing these…I am soooooo grateful for you! I’ve gotten more healing from watching video after video and I identify with this so profoundly!! You’re a major blessing to folks like me!! THANK YOU!
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Not stopping anytime soon! Thanks for being here and supporting. Grateful for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Oh boy, i used to be in delusional sutuation, very embarrassing one, and i used to watch these tarot reading. There is a whole new industry created on this.
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for being so gentle and empathetic with these letters and stories. So many other relationship coaches are really harsh and judge mental with these situations. I think the way you explained it will make the author more likely to take your advice
You are amazing. Your voice, the tone of your voice, the tempo, the info, the empathy... thank you
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Most relevant and helpful video yet. "Meaning-making and clarity...the right people will come into your life..." You are one of those people.
I actually didnt think you would comment on the insurance aspect of her relationship. Thats something that doesnt get talked about in relationships but as a male, that issue is always there in the background. Thankyou for adressing her breach of integrity in an honest and compassionate manner. It helped me think differently about that type of behavior, with more discernment and less judgement.
Another thing that doesnt get talked about is the questionable ethics of therapists who likely know they need to tell their clients some uncomfortable truths...and yet there are few incentives for them to behave ethically.
Thank you so much for this , words can not thank you enough , Im so gratful for these videos as Im going through a painful experince and sometimes I just feel so lost and broken , you remind me every time that I chose the right decision , thank you ❤️
You are such a gift to this world, you really are!! 🎁🎁🎁🎁
She's still got some fixing to do. You have to be able to look into the eyes of the person in the mirror and like that person! To do that you must behave as a person you respect. Reprogram yourself worthy, yourself love, yourself respect.
Yes, this really is where the healing happens!
Thank you so much for these limerence videos. Even though I had a warm childhood, I’ve been suffering from it my whole life. A male in his 34 and never really dated anyone for more than three months. Every time one of those micro-relationships ends, I decide to have a long hiatus. The last thing I had I was overwhelmed with love bombing and breadcrumbing (the person was probably a narc and certainly emotionally unavailable). It lasted less than a month but it seriously devasted me because it was the first time someone sad that was in love with me. I’m stuck in this state of apathy, obsession and fantasizing over this person. Failed miserably with the no contact thing. It’s been 2 months of pure and insufferable torture. I know it’s pathetic because the whole ordeal lasted less than a month, but here I am.
Thank you for your comment. Sounds like you've been through a lot. The Daily Practice can provide clarity. Anna also has a Dating & Relationships course that you can check out.
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
bit.ly/CCF-Dating
Caleb@TeamFairy
This is just what I needed to hear. I have just heard my ex from 40 yrs ago - he used drugs and I found out when we were married. Yes now I am sitting here beating myself up as I have just heard he has passed away. I really did love him but could not live with constant cannabis use. I yelled and screamed nothing AlAnon in the way I behaved. I later apologised for my behaviour for the way I dealt with it. He moved on literally in months - another sign he didn't love me. So here I am thinking I left the love of my life...the effect on my life was catastrophic tho, lost child bearing years, my home etc. Lost my confidence. So thank you I can wish he rests in peace and move on. Yes mine was a charismatic addict.
Thank you for sharing, we are glad to have you in the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are SO right. CUT IT OFF! Nobody tells you this. Thankfully your friend did and you shared.