Another advice: when you're wounded, healthy people will feel "bland" or "too vanilla". If you find people like this around you, give them a chance, you might get surprised. When I look at my past relationships, wether romantic or not, I realize how much drama was in there. Once you've healed enough, you'll look at the past and say "What was I thinking!".
@FlyingMonkies325 I meant "bland" in an emotional way. Like people being honest and open about their feelings. I used to cringe about people like that, I found them frustrating for putting themselves out "for the wolves". That's how I only got myself involved with turbulent people, and having very dysfunctional relationships (romantic and not romantic). In my family there are still some relatives who think that if you don't argue with your partner on a regular basis, then you're boring and it's not "true love". Now, intellectually, I'm a pretty smart woman too, except my experience in life has been mainly rejection, so I appreciate when people genuinely want to be around me. You sound young, I understand how you feel, but I'd advice you to soften up a little bit. For me, it helped to understand that not every single relationship in my life has to be deep and meaningful. Some relationships are meant to be silly and shallow, and that's ok, you're not hypocritical for letting them be that way. If you surround yourself with people who are not afraid of being who they are, no matter if you find them challenging or not, you will learn a lot about life and about yourself. Good luck!
@FlyingMonkies325 I am profoundly gifted (which is a tiny fraction of the world’s population), I’m 58 and my life has been *filled* with individuals who either have a massive issue with my abilities and intellect or who have driven me to prefer isolation because their capacity to comprehend the majority of what I’m expressing or looking at is simply nonexistent. I kept getting told in my younger years that I had to be ‘tolerant’ and ‘accepting’ of the majority’s limitations, but what that effectively did was limit ME in my desires and aspirations; I wasted decades on individuals who resented and attacked my way of being and thinking and who demanded that I accept them as they were while they never, EVER did that for me. What a waste of energy and passion. Your instinct to find YOUR community is bang on. I’m now 8 months out of a 9 year relationship that nearly destroyed me via the relentless attacks on my abilities, which I tolerated because intelligent individuals can ALWAYS see multiple sides to an issue and I essentially had my own intelligence and capacity turned back on me- and that’s one of the actual dangers of being highly intelligent in an average driven world, our ability to see fractally and multidimensionally is a potential exploit point that we’re often unaware of. For me it has also not helped that I’m Autistic in neurological structure, which means I have always tended to take individuals at face value- it’s taken me a lot of being repeatedly exploited to learn that there was a whole other discernment skill set I had to learn in order to distance myself from others and wait for them to *show* me who they actually are. I was raised by a violently abusive Cluster B mother with extreme narc tendencies, so my intellectual capacity created some really hard core defence structures that as an adult nearly resulted in me being wiped out- if you’re here in this community then you’ve obviously had some traumas too. Being intellectually on the higher end of the curve doesn’t protect us from having deep wounds, but being around other intellectually gifted individuals who are ALSO *emotionally intelligent* is a game changer in every way. I totally recommend finding a mentor or therapist that is aware of both aspects- childhood trauma AND giftedness- because giftedness comes with a whole different set of traumas, culturally, interpersonally and individually. This world is not currently set up to support and celebrate giftedness so we have to piece it together ourselves. Personally I have made the commitment to myself after the devastation of the last relationship that I will never, ever again be in connection with someone who doesn’t appreciate, celebrate, respect and honour me, which includes intellectual and emotional capacity that aligns with who *I* am as a being. I’m simply not going to waste my energy on engaging with individuals that cost me energetically to be around- and most mainstream individuals do exactly that. I cannot do small talk, it’s agonising to be around individuals that have no original thinking in any way, I’d rather be at home with a great source of new information, be doing my own researching, having a hot magnesium salts bath, meditating or being in the forest than hanging out with individuals that are costing me life energy to be around. I have zero intention of ‘softening up a bit’ as was one suggested advice, because I’ve DONE that in years past and it was NOT pleasant or rewarding in any way- I suggest you *follow your own intuition* and if something isn’t ringing your bells then take that as a sign that you’re not in the right place for *you* and your uniquely configured Self. It’s not easy being an intelligent female in this world so I recommend finding examples of empowered, intelligent and independent females from any era and making *them* your company, while you figure out how to find such individuals irl; read/listen to their works, their autobiographies, do research into giftedness and its challenges, find communities online (not Mensa or Intergifted, I do not recommend because of their racial and other biases), create your own work that inspires others to come to *you* - life is simply too short to waste on those that will never, ever understand or resonate with you. I’ve learned this the very, very hard way.
"Hope is addictive but it doesn't turn into fulfillment, hope ends up being quite depressing and then you have to do more and more in the pursuit of hope. Hope is our dope."
If I remember correctly, the baby monkey experiment involved two fake monkey mothers: one of them was made of wire and had a milk bottle attached, and the other was made of fur, but had no milk. The baby monkey preferred the furry mother because it felt warm and safe, but as a result it didn't get enough food and eventually died. I think it was a cruel experiment, but I guess it goes to show that we need emotional sustenance even more than actual food, and if we can't have the real thing, we choose what feels the most like it.
It's also so heartbreaking how they rip away baby monkeys from their real mothers and it's so traumatic for them. Not just with scientific research but in the exotic pet trades.
@@CatherineIvesit is heartbreaking and cruel, but the amount of clarity it gives those who struggle with things they don't understand and therefore can't address, more good than bad amounts from it. I don't want to use the word "justified", but personally these findings aid me in the compassion, forgiveness, and healing I was never able to obtain through logic. Society scapegoats and pushes the narrative that it's all will-power and choice like we are solely intellectualize beings. Basic needs and the subconscious can and will rule your life until you become aware or it. Biology trumps psychology 🤷🏼♀️
The older I get the more horrified I am by my mom, my last therapist wanted me to "forgive her because she tried her best" but I'm almost 40 and I still wake up from nightmares about my childhood. I mean, there's something so chilling about a mother watching their child go through the extreme anguish she caused and then punishing the child for daring to express any adverse emotions. Someone in my neighborhood told me she remembers me as the little girl with the 1000 yard stare but as my parents are so well connected and popular nobody wanted to say anything.
Samechere. My mother is narcistic and psychopatic and I M tired of peoplecminimazing the damaged it has provoked me and I am still suffering the consequences. Do yourself a favoyr and send that therapist to hell.
Speaking as a 68yr old now I'm wishing I'd had the strength when I was your age to just say to my mother to fuck off go take yourself as far away from me as possible, even though we had fallouts with years of no contact she would turn up at my work (I was a nurse) She died a lonely old narc. I had not seen her in 6yrs, I felt immense relief, like a weight had been lifted from me. Advice to you, this is not your fault, you have a life to live, never ever let anyone spoil that,. I hope from the bottom of my heart you will be kind to yourself ❣️
These mothers never tried there best that’s a lie. If they wouldn’t let someone treat them the way they treated us then it was not their best. I think we forgive because we are better than them.
The moment my last therapist told me the same I knew it was a message to run away from such therapist hahaha. Amazing how some of them think everything is kinda like a Hallmark Movie? Anyway, thank God we found Anna :) good luck and lots of love ⚘️☀️
Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. It does not excuse their behavior and in no way makes it ok. Forgiveness relieves you of the burden of carrying that hate in your heart. I hope that you can forgive them and be released from their mistakes.
I've been single over four years and in that time only unavailable or unavailable and age inappropriate men have propositioned me. They've all be straight up honest about not wanting an emotional connection and evidently they are not emotionally connected to the women in their life, either. So I am honest, too. I direct them to the adult super store for novel, inanimate sex.
similar here...I am more than 2 years single after a breakup with my ex-narcissist (absolutely toxic relationship) and 1 year no contact with my whole family of origin. I get interest only from emotionally unavailable men (narcissists/engaged/married/they "didn't fall in love with me, but want one night"...). They offer only humiliation. I reject them all, and live without sex, despite I felt strong limerence to some of them. But it gets better after I went no contact with my family who actively humiliated me all the time; I now feel that I love myself more than any of these men, and I can't stand that shitty behavior of them. The limerence gets weaker and the anger gets stronger. I think that the journey from this is a combination of loving myself and treating my inner child like a loving person, and not feeling guilty about rejecting any people, who don't treat me well. Once we stop implode with anger and start use the anger to be assertive and stop selling ourselves short, our anger will guide us to progress.... My family of origin taught me from early childhood, that I am not allowed to reject any person, who humiliates me, because I have to be empathetic with them. My grandma was the most manipulative and she humiliated me at any family gathering in front of all people; my mother taught me to "be good girl", not protect myself from this grandma's torture. I still feel that toxic guilt when I reject anybody who tries to humiliate me or when I stand for myself, but it gets better. The anger is a cure.
@@passionela Oh yes I know the thing too - except it was my narcissistic mother who always "was the good one". Only my eldest sister (17 years older) can see her, as she was - we were both scapegoats to her envy of us and everytime she had to be responsible, she climbed out of it, to blame us. Everything was my or her responsibility - even my diabetes from 7 years old. She always showed the nice and kind face ..........bvvadrrr!
When I started focusing on myself and finding activities to enjoy is when my limerence stopped. My limerence was at its worst when I only derived pleasure from how many dates I could get instead of finding happiness from within. It’s a cliché but it’s true. Crappy childhood fairy has helped me so much over the last couple years! ❤❤
Listening to your videos has taught me to be more sensitive to people I meet. We have no idea what their childhood was like, what pains they went through.
I know women in their 40's and 50's think life is over... they are too old... but that's just not true... You still have lots of hormones...look youthful...have lots of energy ...it's really only in later 60's and 70's that all that changes... so don't waste your time with people who aren't available...the time you spend with them is keeping you from someone that wants a relationship and there are lots of men in those age ranges that are lonely and would appreciate a great girlfriend/wife... don't waste these precious years... get out there and meet someone that really makes you happy... don't throw it away
My thing with sig younger men, back in the day, was a case of arrested development.😁 But I ended up in the same place as you. When I was 24 and deeply involved with an 18 year old high student, what people missed was that I was emotionally only 17.
Sorry to double post, but I read back here and realize my former post may former post may Seem Off-Topic. The sort of Parentification I am referring to , although the relationship I mentioned doesn't really
Another person on YT said that limerance is “emotional masturbation”. Thanks to you Annie, I know know what limerance is, and why I have been doing it my entire life. You saved me ❤ I can’t thank you enough. Fell into another limerant situation with my friend who is married and an alcoholic and a miserable mess. He is off the pedastle and I’m on the road to healing I can’t believe of what I’m capable of when I’m not limerant 😊
Age 49 is roughly the peri-menopause years & there is one last enthusiastic hormonal push that can lead to a “change of life” baby with all the rush of hormones & emotions of falling in love/lust like a teen/young woman ONE LAST TIME so to speak. Not to say that on the other side of menopause, a woman doesn’t feel sexy or attractive/attracted to a partner, but many things change physiologically & emotionally. I work in physical therapy & I have noticed a pattern of women in their mid-50s through early 60s who don’t understand why their bodies hurt, why they are loosing muscle mass despite exercising & who don’t seem to understand that they’ve crossed that bridge. We make jokes about menopause & drug companies love to try to sell us pills & creams to change us back to earlier years, we don’t understand how to care for ourselves leading up to menopause & after it happens. Potentially it could be a very dangerous time if we are breaking up with stable partners to chase a fantasy one more time. And sadly, not having intelligent, cultural support to guide us leaves us very confused & distraught in what should be as wonderful a transition as so-called “becoming a woman” was in our early teens, when many of us were trapped in abusive families as CPTSD was being reinforced. It’s a lot. Take care out there!
Wow, you said it. I invite you to please say hello to me in an e-mail. I'm interested in your knowledge and perspective on this (planning to do some content on it soon). hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
You hit the nail on the head... I keep reiterating how our endocrine systems are so important and the necessity to support it from your 30s onwards. I just find it astonishing the lack of knowledge or wisdom among the general population. I used to see it in clients as well.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy Dear Anna yes, please can you share a post on peri menopause and c ptsd effects on women esp single women who wanted to have a family. How do women heal knowing that they missed their opportunity have their own family? There's such little support for women over 40 who are single & couldn't meet a healthy partner. God bless you.💚🙏
Life was hell and confusion before, during and after menopause. I didn't recognize my extreme emotional reactions until I was put on mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anxiety meds, and nutritional supplements. I can finally relax and understand my thoughts and enjoy my life. 😊🙏
When I listened to this I wondered if it was a coincidence that she attached deeply to someone unavailable just after she cut contact with her unavailable mum. Like swapping one primary attachment figure for another similarly unavailable one. I relate and it’s painful stuff. Oodles of empathy to everyone going through attachment trauma right now.
I'm a man in my forties. A decade ago I found a self-absorbed woman in church and became her best friend for a few years. I thought she was cute, but she was also shallow and needy. She used many nice guys simultaneously for her emotional needs. And she slept around with what she called "bad boys", which I eventually figured out. Though those too were nice guys, who were only "bad" because of what they did together.
“Come back from the land of the dead, with relationships that will never happen and don’t exist. That’s a ghost town. Come back! It’s full of life over here - there’s plenty of future ahead for you if you can begin to show up for it.” … Anna, I took this beautiful invitation to heart. I don’t think I was ready to hear it before, although I definitely have described myself as feeling haunted by certain key relationships with people who couldn’t love me. I think it’s time for me to repair the broken down car which dropped me in the Ghost town, waiting and hoping for someone familiar to show up. The open road feels full of possibility. the chance to be a person and not just an embodied feeling of longing feels expansive, too.
I appreciate that you wrote that quote out. I heard it as she said it, but the full impact was not until I read your comment. Thank you for sharing that and your thoughts on it.
@@kbc1883 You’re very welcome. I think trauma, grief, longing and regret can make the world feel very small, and as though somehow we (or at least, I) failed to notice our (my) best days until they were already behind us (me). When Anna said what she did about ghost towns, I suddenly had this idea of how joyful it could feel to stop waiting for love, and instead to uncover what it is about the world that I love. …Something like the pure happiness a dog feels in a moving car, with the windows down - lots to smell and the air streaming off of flapping ears. Anna’s message has come just when I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to stay where there is no future. It is ok to stop trying to get what we should have gotten from people who can’t give it to us, anyway. It is ok to become curious about the world. It is ok to discover and cultivate new talents that have nothing to do with trying to get people to like us, and have everything to do with the possibility of satisfying the question: “I wonder if I could…” (insert talent, opportunity, creative possibility, loving self-discovery here)… I just felt so much joy at the idea that there’s plenty of future left - like, actual enjoyable future that’s full of life - and it made so much sense that I wasn’t going to find it by haunting a ghost town, trying to get on the same emotional page as the ghosts. The open road is calling. Our talents and hearts are made for something bigger. Vroom vroom. 🌱🌿💚
@@curiositydrawsme9180 your best days are AHEAD of you . The best days are the ones in which you’re fully alive, and that seems to be you now. Enjoy them! You’ve earned it ❤
@Curiousity Draws Me so beautifully and well put! I loved reading your responds. I also feel like this is the time for me to receive that message and I hear it's call loud and clear; vroom vroom back at ya!
I usually don't post in public forums, but your comments about Vivian's infidelity, dishonesty and mistreatment of her boyfriend at the time was a sobering dose of genuine tough love. It's understandable considering her background, but your caring yet firm rebuke was completely necessary, both for her personally and for everyone watching. Part of healing is realizing that we just don't do certain things, no matter how badly we've been hurt.
"If a man is offered free sex, then even if he's not interested, he's gonna arrange for that." I wish this weren't true, but I've rarely met a man this didn't apply to. :-/
I feel this in my soul. It’s so cruel that I literally have noone in life. Adoptee also so an added extra layer of im unloved and unwanted and adoptive family have hated me abused me all life. Now have no one. Adoptive mother dead. Dad lives too far away has now own partner.
I wish I had found this info two decades ago. Thank-you so much for your time & kindness. A journey into the deep room indeed. Stay strong friends. We do recover. ♥
I can relate to this person's childhood. I suffered from neglect from my parents-both dysfunctional. I am so grateful for these videos! I am almost 65 years old and still trying to recover from my childhood. I may never do that fully, but these videos do help. Thank you.
There's so much more to it then being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. No one talks about how sexual abuse makes you hypersexualized as an adult and you crave similar abuse. Also, how you can become a masochist and crave being hurt all over again by not just emotionally available but by seeking sadists and extreme situations. There's even more with the shame of how your body betrayed you during sexual abuse and how normalized it becomes since you think that level of intimacy is normal with everyone when your parents are the abusers.
I know what it's like to have a mother who completely denies the abuse her husband put on the innocent children she had before the monster she brought to us came in. Trying to tell a "mother" what is going on and she doesn't care , doesn't see it...I totally get this. Going no contact with her and her abusive husband and my flying monkey siblings was the best decision I ever made. I'm glad she had the courage to do it too. I wish I had done it learning all of the things I should have known how to do (i.e. social interaction and relationships) but couldn't because I was protecting myself. People like her parents and mine are murderers. They kill who their children could have been. That's my belief anyway
Hey precious stone, you reached the threshold of being a positive effect for the world. You have enough experience, enough fuel to push forward to make change in this vast world. If you want ... I wonder if Donald Trump can benefit from these lessons instead of pushing America to hurt people all over the Globe and making the reputation of the US sewage stink.
What exactly do you mean by "flying monkey siblings"? Did they attack you to be in favor with the abusive parents? If that is what you mean, I think it's a perfect description and I had the same experience with my siblings.
I just found this channel… what? There’s a whole lotta people who are alone not by choice but by necessity to be sane and not in toxic relationships… this is the best therapy I’ve ever had
Hope is our dope. Thank you for this knowledge. I've just wasted 3 years on an energy vampire with narcissistic traits. I've struggled to understand how I stayed so long to my complete detriment. I'm 58 and had been 25 years without a relationship before this. Steep learning curve...now I get it.
The “I’m in a self destructive phase” thing sounds like the kind of thing a guy will say when they don’t see you as a potential partner, but want yo keep you around for casual secks. They will make some weird announcement up front about some reason why they have to treat you crappy, and then see if you will sign off on it. If you do, they have things the way they want them. I’m only speaking from a lot of personal experience here, no shade to the letter writer.
@@danilaroche1156funny you are aware of the word “proselytize”. I just wrote that to you in another comment. It’s really not appropriate imo to proselytize to vulnerable traumatized people. That’s how some people end up in cults.
@@danilaroche1156kind of seems like whatever religious / new age beliefs that traumatized people get into - just replaces their limerant obsession. Instead of obsessive thoughts about a guy - it’s commenting “Jesus Saves” over and over under every UA-cam comment.
@@danilaroche1156 it's the same story for me. i get why people are complaining about the 'proselytizing' though. it's been a struggle for me to figure out how to share what's worked for me but also not trigger vulnerable people. before i found jesus i couldn't stand it when people mentioned him etc. Just wanted to say it's the same for me, though.
I joined an organization and, across the room, saw a man that literally made my heart jump. I went to every meeting, every event, any time I thought he'd be there. If he was there, I'd often look up and he was staring at me. But we never spoke. Neither of us made the attempt. Finally the day came when I had a good reason to speak with him. He invited me to his house (he was single, early 50s, a year older than me, never married). We sat out on his porch, him smoking a good quality cigar, sipping lemonade, and talking about everything under the sun. I drove home on cloud nine--this has got to be Mr. Right! We started to 'hang out,' not dating, but going to movies, out to eat, local concerts, etc. But it never went beyond friendship--and it was a really good, comfortable friendship. He started disappearing--not answering his phone or calling me, pretty much hibernating for weeks at a time. Then out of the blue he'd call me, act like he talked to me yesterday, and make plans. My adult kids really liked him. I had more fun with him at Walmart than I did with my ex on a cruise. But...the relationship did not progress. I believe he was asexual--not attracted to men or women. One night I came on a little strong, not telling him I loved him but that I had feelings for him. Eventually I had to let go. I figured he has my phone number, email, and knows where I live--if he wants to contact me, he will. I heard nothing from him until...8 months later...I got an email on my birthday from him, saying something to the effect that many years ago God created a wonderful woman, blah blah blah. I was stunned. It sounded like something a boyfriend would write. So this never had any closure or anything. I know I made a fool of myself. I told several friends that were in the organization where we met that I was crazy about this guy. From the women I'd get warnings. From the men I'd hear that he talks about me all the time, we're meant to be together, etc. Then tonight I came across this video. I've been listening to your videos for a few weeks now--it's so incredible to have explanations and reasons for why I am the way I am. Anyway, I now know I was in limerence. I also know that I was pursuing someone who was unavailable, and the worst part is that at some level I knew it all along, but I challenged myself to win him over. Thank you for your videos...they are so valuable. And as someone who's been where we are, you can relate on a whole deeper level than our friends who have no clue.
You didn't make a fool of yourself. You put yourself out there and shot your shot and if you hadn't done so, you'd be wondering "what if". He is the one who has issues, and should have been mature enough to be honest with you and explain that he wasn't seeking anything beyond friendship with you.
My god, what an upbringing. It’s a testament to her that she survived, albeit very wounded. We really need to start giving psychological tests to wannabe parents. As for the obsession with appearance and age, I totally get that in our youth-obsessed society. I’m 64 but look 45, yet nothing changes the fact that I’m 64. There is a 47 year old guy in my apartment building who is cute and seems very nice. We have great convos when we run into one another in the parking lot or hallway, and my co-worker keeps saying I should have a fling with him. No way, man. There is no way I would put myself in that position even if he expressed interest, which he hasn’t. Therein madness lies. But I’m not judging Vivian whatsoever; her desire for love and acceptance leaks through every word in her letter, and it’s heartbreaking.
Me too. I’m not going to embarrass and humiliate myself by getting involved with a younger man who will leave me. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He married her, lived with her and all her kids, then cheated, left her, and married someone his own age and had his own kids. Doesn’t matter how rich or hot you are- it only makes it sting worse.
@@genxx2724 Exactly. But I do understand how tempting it is when you’ve never really been loved by anyone and then connect with someone who, if you could take 15 years off your age, might be the one. Reality bites, lol.
@@designchik It won’t be “the one”. It’s emotionally safe for someone who’s disordered, because you know no matter how good it is, it’s not going to last.
I get that the age gap is substantial, but the bigger issue, IMHO, is always going to be if the person is interested and if you're interested. It doesn't have to be a mess just because of the age gap. But would I always go slowly, now that I've been hurt? Absolutely.
I've watched a lot of these videos and they help a lot - but I wonder if there's such a thing as platonic limerence? Like wanting a friend so badly and having expectations and magical thinking about meeting people that you hope could be your best friend but end up flaking on you, shaming you or outright disappearing? I never felt like there was a lot of loyalty in my family so I sought that "family" from others and attached myself to a lot of unavailable people, emotionally and even geographically, lol. I often felt like I was too attached to people, that no one understood me and I was too clingy when really I just wanted to connect with people. I kept chasing after these people because I constantly felt like I did or said something wrong. Maybe limerence is the wrong term for friendships but I feel like this applies a lot. I'm autistic along with my family trauma so it's like a double whammy.
I don't know if there's a word for it but I understand exactly what you are referring to and I had the same struggles. I recommend checking out our membership where others have had same struggles and are learning together now :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy
"Admitting the abuse is not suddenly not being the person that she was." -CCF This hit hard. I got pulled into being vulnerable with my NM too and it just resulted in more dysregulation for me. Lesson learned and now reinforced with this quote from Anna.
As someone who is attracted to emotionally unavailable men and narcissists, this gave me tremendous insight. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a place where I can be in a healthy relationship but I am able to identify what I’m doing wrong. Thank you these videos. 🙏❤️
I'm so glad the video was helpful! If you're interested, Anna offers a course on dating and relationships, here's a link: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg how relevant it is! A few days ago I've noticed that I have some features of my grandma's behavior (who was always 'saving' people, especially alcoholics). I started diving deeper into it and found out I am attracted to an emotionally unavailable man and instead of running away I want to... Save him! And give him my love to 'fix' him 🤦🏼♀️ Thanks God I've come across a book by Robin Norwood 'Women who love too much' and just finished reading it. I'm so glad I made myself aware of this problem before it got too late. Your video was like a sign I'm moving in the right direction!
Same here. He was unavailable, with a lot of problems in his life, an alcoholic. As a former people pleaser I wanted to save him at the risk of losing myslef again in the process. But thank God and thank my healing journey cause this time i knew i couldn't save him, I knew I would have drown trying like all my previous relationships (friends, family, romantic ones)
@33:00 had me crying. To feel that power and creativity energy swell and to know that there is no future for it is so very hard, devastating really. It is that energy that I have walled off, done so much to make sure I didn't go there (stayed obese, isolated, not done what I could to be attractive). Because every time I've changed those things, the hope comes back, the interactions with men start, and I end up feeling that energy and I know it is limerence and I cannot bear it, so I go back into walling off. It is such a frustrating and life saping cycle.
This world is so full of sick people and misleading idiocy jealousy sadism sometimes I feel this world is hell . But now I see it as a dangerous place that yields opportunities as well as rusty poisonous bear traps ; wonderful people and parasites, sages and demons. You cannot go out into the world without a mentor. A sane warm even tempered disciplined balanced wise mentor . For me it’s mostly authors I trust and books , and certainly this channel is of unbelievable value. Having no mentors and no beacon or choosing the wrong ones can kill you. You need Merlin figures . The terrible thing is that I implicitly learned to force myself to follow adults unconditionally , that they will know . This message nearly killed me . I am disgusted at the looks obsessed abusive woman described in this video’s Ietter it nearly made me want to throw up . Some people make you ashamed to belong to the same species.
I believe it could be healing if she knew what motivated her mom to do these awful things. My own mother abandoned me. Decades later, I learned that she was unwanted as a child. She endured many awful and hurtful things. Now, I have compassion for her and absolutely zero bitterness. It makes it easier to heal, when you have understanding.
My mother and extended family showered my fraternal twin sister with accolades for her beauty which resembled my mother’s - I looked completely like her abusive husband and suffered for it. I still don’t know how I remain a fairly nice person :-). Stay kind to yourself and others above all.
Thank you so much for these- you are the only person who goes so in depth and really the fine details of each situation. I am really finding this stuff helpful you are great and you have a wonderful energy, thank you. Also you are very pretty 😊
Narcissists and noses. I can so relate. My narcissistic mother also had an obsession with noses. I love your channel. I had a lot trouble with unrequited love and did not have the language for it or the tools to disengage until I found your videos on limerance. Thank you. ❤
Yes , it makes one a prime target of a Negligent Narcissist. These are the breadcrumbers, ignore you when present, and love pop you when you pull back. They ignore you when in the same room or table, and they punish you by withholding your needs, expressed or known.
Everything you say makes so much sense, can't stop commenting, my mom was threatened by me because I was taller and more "nordic" than her, which she idealized, she reminded me at every turn that nobody will ever want me, all the men want her not me, she was emotionally stuck at a very low level. When I gained weight because of my mental issues and bullying at school she did everything to sabotage my attempts to lose weight and basically became another bully. When I almost died from an eating disorder she didn't care about the possibility of my death, she yelled at me: you're not that thin!!! and tried to compete with my weight loss. My little sister became her beloved mini me, she's a narc too unfortunately...the narcissist divides and pits siblings against each other, you are always alone.
Omg I feel so sorry for what you had to go through...same here with putting siblings against each other-my mother did this all the time (brother was a golden child and she tortured me by giving him outwardly more care, gifts, responsibility....while I was exploding with anger and wanting same treating, she guilttripped me for this behavior) and at the same time she guilttripped me to not be enough kind to my younger brother..
I realized I forgot to mention the most insidious and disgusting thing she did, which was accusing me of trying to "steal" my father from her. One of my worst memories is when I was 6 years old and my mother had a massive tantrum and yelled at me that I'm trying to steal her husband (my FATHER) because he watched a kids movie with me and made us popcorn while she was out of the house...which she thought was a "date" I guess. When my little sister was born I wanted to play "being the mommy", which is a normal thing to do for a little girl I was told much later in life, and the yelling that accompanied the beatings turned into "YOU WANT TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, YOU WANT TO STEAL MY CHILD". Later when I was a pre teen my dad started taking me on hiking trips because I shared his love for the outdoors, which my mom and sister didn't. I came home to my mom yelling at me that she knows I had s*x with him, I kid you not. My dad never did anything like this to me, he's just a very passive and dependent man who's very good at ignoring whatever doesn't fit into his comfort zone, he just left the room whenever my mom started losing it and left me there.
I think I never told that part to anyone outside therapy and I push it to the back of my mind as much as I can. My therapist didn't believe me but it did really happen, I begged my father to tell me what he remembers for real or if I'm crazy and he admitted it was real, she was violently jealous of a 6 year old girl that happened to be her own daughter, has this happened to anyone else?!
Dear Letter Writer, OMG what a hard thing. I am 70 years old and could have written your letter myself. From the vantage point of being OLD please please listen to Anna's advice. You still have time to fix things. Best of luck to you and warmest wishes.
Gosh what's the term for when a couple bonds over abusing a child? I think I heard it in the Netflix doc about Gabriel Fernandez. That's what this story reminds me of. Only thank God not as severe as that. What a sick woman her mother is. Sounds like she never wanted to be a mother from the get to. She just wanted a little mini me to live vicariously through and reflect positively on her. But somehow to do that without surpassing her lol. Crazy. That's exactly how my mom is. Wanted me to make up for everything she thinks she's not. But then gets jealous and has to take me down because of her insecurity. All my life it was "you're going to college." And when I graduated it was, "oh so you think you're smarter than me now huh?" Any time I get something cool she gets one too only nicer. She compares her weight and appearance to mine too. You can't win with a parent like that. Only thing is to walk away.
That sounds sooo much like my mother was. Thank you for putting it into words. I did "walk away". She spent the rest of her life convincing everyone she possibly could that I'd mistreated her. It never ended. I'm so glad I walked away.
I'm 68 (in two days) and all of this applies to me too. I'm at the stage where I can feel the surge of fake love and push it away through the same kind of avoidance Annie advocates in the video: not signing new contracts, no need to explain. On another self help video I heard a psychologist say that trying to fix your limerent object is arrogance. It's a way to control them, which is not possible even if it were healthy. This situation reminds me of "La belle dame sans merci" by John Keats. The knight is dying because he fell in love with a limerent object -- was she real or supernatural? He can't tell. He's sitting by a lake that was magically transformed, but suddenly it's winter. She rode off, almost mocking him. Was it real? He has hallucinations. He feels like he's dying.
Im 55 and although I am so thoroughly educated and well-versed on the wounds i carry and the reasons for them...as well as recognizing why i choose unavailable men and live in "hope" with these men... i continue the cycle. I can talk the talk and maybe even spew advice to someone who asks, but damn if I'm able to show myself respect and self love and STOP the madness. I don’t even know, at this point in my life, if there's hope for change or if I'm capable of it. When does a person "know when they're healed? Or no longer carrying childhood wounds?" I thank GOD for people like you, who I stumbled upon years ago & who have helped me see the light in so many ways, helped to validate feelings & emotions I've never been allowed to express or feel. But im addicted to these podcasts & advice...just like you said. I'm genuinely scared and hopeless and unsure there can or will ever be hope for change within me.
Interesting point about limerence fueling creativity. I used to consider the objects of my limerence "muses" and I really enjoyed the inspiration. Funny, since I have healed from that somewhat, I'm less prolific as an artist. I confess to loving the creative high, and have wondered if I could keep it, while still enjoying being committed to myself.
I want to be alone. My picker is broken and I prefer being alone. I'm tired. I'm 60 and finally got diagnosed with borderline personality. Thank God! It all makes sense! Indeed I have wounded my children...which is a tremendous burden to bare. I am learning and growing but since coVid my dysregulation has gotten so much more WILD. I seem to come across "harsh" especially with my devouring mother. I seem to hurt people or offend them effortlessly. It is much easier to be alone. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially me since I have been in trauma for 59 years. I'm tired and just would rather be alone and sleep 16-18 hours a day and play w my kitten. The entire world appears dysregulated to me and I don't want to be part of it. Dealing w my own amends and dysregulated self is all I have energy for. Thank you CCF. Your videos help me center and calm myself down.xo
@@Embers167 I will vouch for dbt. If you really buy into it and do the work of using the skills and buy into the gimmick for lack of a better term, it can improve your life very quickly. It gives you tools but you have to use them.
Annie is a different calibre from most people -in any field - offering their insights. My jaw metaphorically drops at the honesty and wisdom with which she deftly deals with delicate dilemmas.
as a woman who works in architecture, most male architects are bad news as people/partners, it’s a very narcissistic field, not to mention most people in it are extremely busy. the whole culture of the field is male-dominated, invalidating and harsh, and you don’t want that in your life. avoid avoid avoid.
The Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC was designed by a woman who also designed the new public library in our nearby college town. Your work is valid and is a testament to your talent and ability. The good ol' boy clubs are pathetic and even self destructive. Be glad you are shining through that pall. "Don't let the bastards get you down." Success is the best revenge.
I don't think you can classify entire professions as unsafe. It's tempting to protect ourselves by coming up with rules like "stay away from this or that profession". I'm sorry you've been through so much though.
@@frankG335you’ve never been to architecture school! I have 1 yr left and im interior but I have to agree on this one … considering not finishing school it’s such a triggering environment
I have just started my journey and it’s really hard. I have tried before but this time I do actually feel hope. Thank god for people like you who are there to be the friend that tells us the truth and helps us understand and encourage us when we stumble.
Havent proceeded to the feedback part of video yet; but will say I really admire this gals strength- that she went out into the world and created a great carrier for herself. Thats huge. While not physically abused in the presence of a disinterested parent, and my mother wasnt quite as malignant as hers- everything she’s said resonates with me. The 8 year old “what do i do with this information” kinda thing: and the sense of shock felt in the body when as an adult you hear parents say unbelievable things that expose just how unsafe you are with them: Those are only two examples of “Yes! I get it!” Im same age- not nearly as graduated and removed from harmful factions as she is. Just wanted to acknowledge her share. Vital to ones sanity to hear. Thank you SO VERY MUCH !
OMG! I recall reading the same information in a science textbook about the baby monkeys - furry "mom" and wire cage "mom" and I have told people about that over the years. You are the only other person I have ever heard recalling that same info from a high school text book.
I have to say. This video was exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to fall (tried not to fall) in love with a CPSTD victim recently. It was devastating
My love life was basically one disaster after another. When I was a child I had ADHD and serious Dyslexia. I was put down sooooooo much that it destroyed my self esteem and self worth. I didn’t have the courage to be in a relationship with someone who never went through what I went through. They never understood me. I was different and the relationships fizzled and died. This happened time and time again. I needed love and understanding and it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
Man ... this sucks for her! I am SO GRATEFUL that i just realized that i have dropped all limerant fantasies BECAUSE my life is now fulfilling and joyful and i have learned to trust that i am my own creative "partner" and do not need some "half" relationship with yet another unavailable man. I realized how far i have come after listening to your video❤
Omg, to the letter writer, I'm so glad you got away from your mom and that she treated you like that. I hope all your dreams come true. This video really helped me. Love and Light!! Thank u Crappy Childhood Fairy!!
I am becoming aware of these dynamics. Grateful I am not dating and just going through the cycle without having moved and damaging my life in real time.
Yip, I can attest to that. Fortunately I realized this in my early adult hood, but still have not healed from it. I certainly cannot wait to listen to you on this!
That's an interesting thought that the step-father denied his family because someone might have been in the room whom he didn't want to know about his life. Yes, it surely could be someone like a nurse he worked with daily. One time I had a car for sale. The woman who came over to try out my car (and she bought it) had a guy with her helping her make the decision. I thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend, a couple for sure. I recognized them immediately from both working at the deli at the grocery store which I frequented. She waited on me now and then. Months after the sale, I was ordering at the deli counter again and smiled and spoke to the man who waited on me. He seemed like he had never seen me before. I asked him if he remembered --he came to my house with Amy, and she bought the car I had for sale. I couldn't understand, but he kept shaking his head no, and saying no as I expanded my questioning, like "Yes, Amy who works here...you remember I had a such-and-such car for sale...I live on (street) and you both came over to look at the car. He kept repeatedly shaking his head no, and looked like he was hoping I'd leave soon. Yes, I realized that the other co-workers were around and he couldn't admit going somewhere with Amy. Oops...
The stepfather probably never mentioned his family at work, and had affairs with nurses. The mother was humiliated when the daughter brought the neighbors’ knowledge home. She was afraid he would leave her, and was relieved when he abused the daughter, because it showed there was hope - he wasn’t completely disengaged.
This was truly fantastic advice and thank you for this. Your videos made sense but this one definitely hit home. You read me in that letter and my feelings were exactly like hers. This stuff and all this trauma is so tramatic. I think you should start a love and addiction anonymous lol. I'd be the first to join.
thanks for another brilliant video, yes my early life upto 33 was blown away by limerance and emophilia. very very difficult to overcome (especially when i didnt know what it was). I was a classic avoidant attachment, love anorexic in S.L.A. terminology. it was education first, but as this was 20 years ago, nobody was saying to me heal yourself first and then try relationships. I just had my attachment knowledge. I did my usual difficult choices, but i did learn to have real, disclosing relationships. Painful is a word that wouldnt cover it....especially the losses, it barely felt survivable.
The cruelty people are capable of is off the chart. Get a spiritual support group…a church or community…a new family. Healing can happen in sharing with others. ❤
Thank you so much, Ms. Anna, for all these stories of others' struggles. I can so relate to what they have been through/are going through. It is really comforting to know that we are not alone in our pain and suffering. Each one of these vids helps all of us gain the knowledge we need to get free of past trauma, to heal, and to understand why we do the things we do.
Thank you Anna! Especially for the F-word:) “You’ll be in love with me, and I”ll be your friend, it”ll be great for me”. “It is they great for them, they can feed off all that energy” - you nailed it!
So insightful. Never have I ever considered the importance of staying sober in the early months of dating in order to stay sharp-witted enough to catch any potential red flags. When you come from a broken background, some of us are not aware of all the different choices at our disposal. We can move from a 8-bit to CGI mindset and the world opens up. This is one of many insights I gained from this video alone. You’re the best Crappy Fairy, ever!! ❤
GOD bless the people who share their stories. I wouldn't dare. Sometimes I cringe at the tough love parts because I can imagine what Anna would say to me about my relationship habits. She wouldn't be telling me anything I don't know. In fact most of the people who write in seem to know EXACTLY what they're doing and what they need to change. But it somehow hits differently when someone who KNOWS the game, confronts you with the truth 😬. I honestly think that's the only reason some people try to be mean to Anna. It's their way of defending themselves, their victimhood, and their fortress of denial.
Thank you for your brains. You got a style that is so different from other advisers. You are so realistic and we can identify totally with the letter writer you are reading and analysing. It is so true every word you say and such a mind opener talk A whole video just to let us see “ women are being used”. This instance, a lesson to show an architect for example using not just a free ride but pleasure for his own self improvement or importance building from a most beautiful intelligent woman I hope our friend can read you and us, the audience of her story that is of millions of women who have same experience Thank you so much
Thank you for this video! I have limmerance.(sp) I have it for a woman And her Church group. I didn't realize how powerful and seductive limmerance is/can be! Immediately after the video I saved vid to my CCF relationship collection and did the writing you taught us. I am free from it right now and can see the danger and roots my lifetime of limmerance caused me. I am certain I will be writing more about her and her church in my daily meditations to remain free of this destructive self lying. I'm grateful you don't hide what's in your courses from us like other videographers do. I am grateful because you're helping me keep my head above water where I can breathe. Lots of work ahead, but my freedom, +mental and emotional health are my Goal. Peace... is my ultimate bottom line.
Wow I've been very hard on myself for some of the crap I did as a mother. The writing and meditation has been really helping but hearing these stories makes me feel like maybe I wasn't so bad. The stepdad and mother were psychotic narcissists. I can imagine what happened to them to make them that way And yes I agree he was playing to someone nearby in the ER. For Vivian--What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So glad she is away from them and recovering. Healing is a lifetime journey ❤❤❤ God Bless 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
You’re absolutely spot on! I adore your practical and straight up advice. So much time can be spent in therapy sessions indulging in thoughts and feelings.
Her mother is a complete psychopath and all psychopaths know exactly what they are doing to people. I am the exact same age as the writer and my mother was also a narcissistic psychopath. At this stage of my life, I am still always completely amazed at the fact that my brothers and I have any sense of true self and normalcy at all.
While I was lucky to have a loving, kind and communicative mother, it was my father who was emotionally abusive and treated us terribly. I am understanding now that I've kept my dreams and relationships at arms length because I am afraid of failure and think I don't deserve full love. I should honor my amazing mother with loving myself and try to distance from the father's negativity
Dang. That was strong and made so much sense that she also got the looksism bit from her mom. I've seen it before not only with looks, personally i have a behaviourism thing. It's great to see that it's normal to take so much time to wake up to stuff like that... sad... but great.
Is limerence more common in artists? Artists seem, by virtue of the trade, to live on hope - getting the next part, getting a script produced, someone buying a painting... I so wish this info had been available when I was in my 20s.
Thank you! I'm still waiting for you to talk about us who were neglected during childhood and as adults now, we don't have any urges around romantic love, friends or connection. I know I'm not the only one (cause I've commented this before and had people who relate) and I think I'd love to know your pov about what are we, actually? Are we healing, are we just introverts who enjoy our own company or we are just deeply depressed? I see a lot of content around childhood trauma and the urge for love and crappy relationships. I wish I'd hear more about the second part... about us who suddenly stopped feeling the urge to look for new partners cause we don't feel like doing this at all. Are we good, or are we worse then when we were needy?
excellent point. i now love videos discussing other trauma invoked issues, like at work, acquaintances, other than romantic. i think i gave up in deserving or hoping for romance when i was still a kid. didn’t realize it would last.
Me too. I'm 34 and have nothing but negative experiences since I was 4. I literally have no happy memories that lasted at all. I seem to have given up and accepted that some of us have been dealt a different hand in life compared to others growing up. I feel like this is wrong for me to do but I can't keep on trying to be happy looking forward to the imaginary prince charming that's going to come along and save me.
I hope you have found answers by now, either way you seem to have an avoidant attachment style, there are videos on UA-cam about it. I also recommend you the books of Diane Poole Heller
I’m 60 , probably time to throw in the towel.. im sure other women feel that they are just “Bad Pickers” 🤔after working on childhood trauma for 3.5 yrs 🤷♀️
I love your videos and your remarks. HOwever, I want to point out that age is jsut a number, that age gaps don't have to be a problem. I was 23 when I got together with my then-43. y/o boyfriend. 12 years later, we had been married 4 years and were happy. I would be with him still if he had not passed suddenly. Now I'm in a relationship the other way...I'm 37 and my partner is 25. It can work fine as long as everyone acknowledges the differnce and gives allowance for it.
To be fair, Annie is working with facts that are larger than your personal experience. It is a fact that the human brain is not fully formed until the late twenties. In your case, maybe you were spectacularly mature for your age, or just lucky. Maybe you didn't encounter the kind of adversity that requires mature choices.
Another advice: when you're wounded, healthy people will feel "bland" or "too vanilla". If you find people like this around you, give them a chance, you might get surprised. When I look at my past relationships, wether romantic or not, I realize how much drama was in there. Once you've healed enough, you'll look at the past and say "What was I thinking!".
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@FlyingMonkies325 I meant "bland" in an emotional way. Like people being honest and open about their feelings. I used to cringe about people like that, I found them frustrating for putting themselves out "for the wolves". That's how I only got myself involved with turbulent people, and having very dysfunctional relationships (romantic and not romantic). In my family there are still some relatives who think that if you don't argue with your partner on a regular basis, then you're boring and it's not "true love".
Now, intellectually, I'm a pretty smart woman too, except my experience in life has been mainly rejection, so I appreciate when people genuinely want to be around me. You sound young, I understand how you feel, but I'd advice you to soften up a little bit. For me, it helped to understand that not every single relationship in my life has to be deep and meaningful. Some relationships are meant to be silly and shallow, and that's ok, you're not hypocritical for letting them be that way. If you surround yourself with people who are not afraid of being who they are, no matter if you find them challenging or not, you will learn a lot about life and about yourself. Good luck!
@@Dan_Chiron these are some good insights. Thanks.
@FlyingMonkies325 You need to widen your pool and reach and that's where the internet (into the net) can be utilised well.
@FlyingMonkies325 I am profoundly gifted (which is a tiny fraction of the world’s population), I’m 58 and my life has been *filled* with individuals who either have a massive issue with my abilities and intellect or who have driven me to prefer isolation because their capacity to comprehend the majority of what I’m expressing or looking at is simply nonexistent. I kept getting told in my younger years that I had to be ‘tolerant’ and ‘accepting’ of the majority’s limitations, but what that effectively did was limit ME in my desires and aspirations; I wasted decades on individuals who resented and attacked my way of being and thinking and who demanded that I accept them as they were while they never, EVER did that for me. What a waste of energy and passion.
Your instinct to find YOUR community is bang on. I’m now 8 months out of a 9 year relationship that nearly destroyed me via the relentless attacks on my abilities, which I tolerated because intelligent individuals can ALWAYS see multiple sides to an issue and I essentially had my own intelligence and capacity turned back on me- and that’s one of the actual dangers of being highly intelligent in an average driven world, our ability to see fractally and multidimensionally is a potential exploit point that we’re often unaware of. For me it has also not helped that I’m Autistic in neurological structure, which means I have always tended to take individuals at face value- it’s taken me a lot of being repeatedly exploited to learn that there was a whole other discernment skill set I had to learn in order to distance myself from others and wait for them to *show* me who they actually are.
I was raised by a violently abusive Cluster B mother with extreme narc tendencies, so my intellectual capacity created some really hard core defence structures that as an adult nearly resulted in me being wiped out- if you’re here in this community then you’ve obviously had some traumas too. Being intellectually on the higher end of the curve doesn’t protect us from having deep wounds, but being around other intellectually gifted individuals who are ALSO *emotionally intelligent* is a game changer in every way. I totally recommend finding a mentor or therapist that is aware of both aspects- childhood trauma AND giftedness- because giftedness comes with a whole different set of traumas, culturally, interpersonally and individually. This world is not currently set up to support and celebrate giftedness so we have to piece it together ourselves.
Personally I have made the commitment to myself after the devastation of the last relationship that I will never, ever again be in connection with someone who doesn’t appreciate, celebrate, respect and honour me, which includes intellectual and emotional capacity that aligns with who *I* am as a being. I’m simply not going to waste my energy on engaging with individuals that cost me energetically to be around- and most mainstream individuals do exactly that. I cannot do small talk, it’s agonising to be around individuals that have no original thinking in any way, I’d rather be at home with a great source of new information, be doing my own researching, having a hot magnesium salts bath, meditating or being in the forest than hanging out with individuals that are costing me life energy to be around. I have zero intention of ‘softening up a bit’ as was one suggested advice, because I’ve DONE that in years past and it was NOT pleasant or rewarding in any way- I suggest you *follow your own intuition* and if something isn’t ringing your bells then take that as a sign that you’re not in the right place for *you* and your uniquely configured Self.
It’s not easy being an intelligent female in this world so I recommend finding examples of empowered, intelligent and independent females from any era and making *them* your company, while you figure out how to find such individuals irl; read/listen to their works, their autobiographies, do research into giftedness and its challenges, find communities online (not Mensa or Intergifted, I do not recommend because of their racial and other biases), create your own work that inspires others to come to *you* - life is simply too short to waste on those that will never, ever understand or resonate with you. I’ve learned this the very, very hard way.
"Hope is addictive but it doesn't turn into fulfillment, hope ends up being quite depressing and then you have to do more and more in the pursuit of hope. Hope is our dope."
Hope defered..it is Biblical..no joke. Google Hope Defered KJV..im.gonna do it right now..BRB
If I remember correctly, the baby monkey experiment involved two fake monkey mothers: one of them was made of wire and had a milk bottle attached, and the other was made of fur, but had no milk. The baby monkey preferred the furry mother because it felt warm and safe, but as a result it didn't get enough food and eventually died. I think it was a cruel experiment, but I guess it goes to show that we need emotional sustenance even more than actual food, and if we can't have the real thing, we choose what feels the most like it.
It's also so heartbreaking how they rip away baby monkeys from their real mothers and it's so traumatic for them. Not just with scientific research but in the exotic pet trades.
@@CatherineIvesit is heartbreaking and cruel, but the amount of clarity it gives those who struggle with things they don't understand and therefore can't address, more good than bad amounts from it. I don't want to use the word "justified", but personally these findings aid me in the compassion, forgiveness, and healing I was never able to obtain through logic.
Society scapegoats and pushes the narrative that it's all will-power and choice like we are solely intellectualize beings. Basic needs and the subconscious can and will rule your life until you become aware or it. Biology trumps psychology 🤷🏼♀️
Heartbreaking
the monkey was nt hungry
I came here to explain this as well. Thank you. Anna got the gist of it right anyway though. 🙂
I was born into trauma and have been holding my breath ever since.
We understand as few others can. I'm glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@danilaroche1156 this isn’t really the appropriate place to proselytize. Give people some space.
Please stop. Your deity is not real.@@danilaroche1156
The older I get the more horrified I am by my mom, my last therapist wanted me to "forgive her because she tried her best" but I'm almost 40 and I still wake up from nightmares about my childhood. I mean, there's something so chilling about a mother watching their child go through the extreme anguish she caused and then punishing the child for daring to express any adverse emotions. Someone in my neighborhood told me she remembers me as the little girl with the 1000 yard stare but as my parents are so well connected and popular nobody wanted to say anything.
Samechere. My mother is narcistic and psychopatic and I M tired of peoplecminimazing the damaged it has provoked me and I am still suffering the consequences. Do yourself a favoyr and send that therapist to hell.
Speaking as a 68yr old now I'm wishing I'd had the strength when I was your age to just say to my mother to fuck off go take yourself as far away from me as possible, even though we had fallouts with years of no contact she would turn up at my work (I was a nurse) She died a lonely old narc. I had not seen her in 6yrs, I felt immense relief, like a weight had been lifted from me. Advice to you, this is not your fault, you have a life to live, never ever let anyone spoil that,. I hope from the bottom of my heart you will be kind to yourself ❣️
These mothers never tried there best that’s a lie. If they wouldn’t let someone treat them the way they treated us then it was not their best. I think we forgive because we are better than them.
The moment my last therapist told me the same I knew it was a message to run away from such therapist hahaha. Amazing how some of them think everything is kinda like a Hallmark Movie? Anyway, thank God we found Anna :) good luck and lots of love ⚘️☀️
Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. It does not excuse their behavior and in no way makes it ok. Forgiveness relieves you of the burden of carrying that hate in your heart. I hope that you can forgive them and be released from their mistakes.
I've been single over four years and in that time only unavailable or unavailable and age inappropriate men have propositioned me. They've all be straight up honest about not wanting an emotional connection and evidently they are not emotionally connected to the women in their life, either. So I am honest, too. I direct them to the adult super store for novel, inanimate sex.
Good for you!!
similar here...I am more than 2 years single after a breakup with my ex-narcissist (absolutely toxic relationship) and 1 year no contact with my whole family of origin. I get interest only from emotionally unavailable men (narcissists/engaged/married/they "didn't fall in love with me, but want one night"...). They offer only humiliation. I reject them all, and live without sex, despite I felt strong limerence to some of them. But it gets better after I went no contact with my family who actively humiliated me all the time; I now feel that I love myself more than any of these men, and I can't stand that shitty behavior of them. The limerence gets weaker and the anger gets stronger. I think that the journey from this is a combination of loving myself and treating my inner child like a loving person, and not feeling guilty about rejecting any people, who don't treat me well. Once we stop implode with anger and start use the anger to be assertive and stop selling ourselves short, our anger will guide us to progress.... My family of origin taught me from early childhood, that I am not allowed to reject any person, who humiliates me, because I have to be empathetic with them. My grandma was the most manipulative and she humiliated me at any family gathering in front of all people; my mother taught me to "be good girl", not protect myself from this grandma's torture. I still feel that toxic guilt when I reject anybody who tries to humiliate me or when I stand for myself, but it gets better. The anger is a cure.
That’s funny. But what is the adult superstore?
Good 👏 the right one will come!
@@passionela Oh yes I know the thing too - except it was my narcissistic mother who always "was the good one". Only my eldest sister (17 years older) can see her, as she was - we were both scapegoats to her envy of us and everytime she had to be responsible, she climbed out of it, to blame us.
Everything was my or her responsibility - even my diabetes from 7 years old. She always showed the nice and kind face ..........bvvadrrr!
When I started focusing on myself and finding activities to enjoy is when my limerence stopped. My limerence was at its worst when I only derived pleasure from how many dates I could get instead of finding happiness from within. It’s a cliché but it’s true. Crappy childhood fairy has helped me so much over the last couple years! ❤❤
Contrary to our (Hallmark/bosom heaving/fairy tale) conditioning, true love is self love. That's my epiphany, anyway.
Thanks for this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you again beautiful generous intelligent lovely Anna 😍
@@janeydoe1403, I think true love is love of virtue first and (virtuous) persons second. Or Lk. 10:27 in the Bible.
'It's not about how young you look, it's about where you are in your life- wow, brilliant quote
Listening to your videos has taught me to be more sensitive to people I meet. We have no idea what their childhood was like, what pains they went through.
Same!
I know women in their 40's and 50's think life is over... they are too old... but that's just not true... You still have lots of hormones...look youthful...have lots of energy ...it's really only in later 60's and 70's that all that changes... so don't waste your time with people who aren't available...the time you spend with them is keeping you from someone that wants a relationship and there are lots of men in those age ranges that are lonely and would appreciate a great girlfriend/wife... don't waste these precious years... get out there and meet someone that really makes you happy... don't throw it away
Thanks for this! I needed to hear this
Yup, thanks!
Y'all deserve someone who won't make you feel lonely.
This thing with younger men... When a woman gets parentified in childhood, she attracts men who are looking for "mummy". At least it was my case.
My thing with sig younger men, back in the day, was a case of arrested development.😁
But I ended up in the same place as you.
When I was 24 and deeply involved with an 18 year old high student, what people missed was that I was emotionally only 17.
Sorry to double post, but I read back here and realize my former post may former post may Seem Off-Topic. The sort of Parentification I am referring to , although the relationship I mentioned doesn't really
Whew
Mine case too. Sadly.
I swear this is what happens
Another person on YT said that limerance is “emotional masturbation”. Thanks to you Annie, I know know what limerance is, and why I have been doing it my entire life. You saved me ❤ I can’t thank you enough. Fell into another limerant situation with my friend who is married and an alcoholic and a miserable mess. He is off the pedastle and I’m on the road to healing I can’t believe of what I’m capable of when I’m not limerant 😊
Congratulations!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@user-ew1jm6en7s
So bright..... 😎
I'm not glad your limerant but I am glad I'm not alone in " I can't believe what I'm capable of when I'm limerant"
good reminder! it so is.
@@raiontheonewell put your number out there so we can call you what area are you in
Neglect helped me realize how wonderful silence and time to myself can be
Age 49 is roughly the peri-menopause years & there is one last enthusiastic hormonal push that can lead to a “change of life” baby with all the rush of hormones & emotions of falling in love/lust like a teen/young woman ONE LAST TIME so to speak. Not to say that on the other side of menopause, a woman doesn’t feel sexy or attractive/attracted to a partner, but many things change physiologically & emotionally. I work in physical therapy & I have noticed a pattern of women in their mid-50s through early 60s who don’t understand why their bodies hurt, why they are loosing muscle mass despite exercising & who don’t seem to understand that they’ve crossed that bridge. We make jokes about menopause & drug companies love to try to sell us pills & creams to change us back to earlier years, we don’t understand how to care for ourselves leading up to menopause & after it happens. Potentially it could be a very dangerous time if we are breaking up with stable partners to chase a fantasy one more time. And sadly, not having intelligent, cultural support to guide us leaves us very confused & distraught in what should be as wonderful a transition as so-called “becoming a woman” was in our early teens, when many of us were trapped in abusive families as CPTSD was being reinforced. It’s a lot. Take care out there!
Wow, you said it. I invite you to please say hello to me in an e-mail. I'm interested in your knowledge and perspective on this (planning to do some content on it soon). hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
You hit the nail on the head... I keep reiterating how our endocrine systems are so important and the necessity to support it from your 30s onwards. I just find it astonishing the lack of knowledge or wisdom among the general population. I used to see it in clients as well.
@@christinarichie6171 how can we take care of our endocrine system?
@Crappy Childhood Fairy Dear Anna yes, please can you share a post on peri menopause and c ptsd effects on women esp single women who wanted to have a family. How do women heal knowing that they missed their opportunity have their own family? There's such little support for women over 40 who are single & couldn't meet a healthy partner. God bless you.💚🙏
Life was hell and confusion before, during and after menopause. I didn't recognize my extreme emotional reactions until I was put on mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anxiety meds, and nutritional supplements. I can finally relax and understand my thoughts and enjoy my life. 😊🙏
When I listened to this I wondered if it was a coincidence that she attached deeply to someone unavailable just after she cut contact with her unavailable mum. Like swapping one primary attachment figure for another similarly unavailable one. I relate and it’s painful stuff. Oodles of empathy to everyone going through attachment trauma right now.
I'm a man in my forties. A decade ago I found a self-absorbed woman in church and became her best friend for a few years. I thought she was cute, but she was also shallow and needy. She used many nice guys simultaneously for her emotional needs. And she slept around with what she called "bad boys", which I eventually figured out. Though those too were nice guys, who were only "bad" because of what they did together.
“why doesn’t knowing that (it’s trauma) make it (limerence) stop?”
“exactly.”
“Come back from the land of the dead, with relationships that will never happen and don’t exist. That’s a ghost town. Come back! It’s full of life over here - there’s plenty of future ahead for you if you can begin to show up for it.”
… Anna, I took this beautiful invitation to heart. I don’t think I was ready to hear it before, although I definitely have described myself as feeling haunted by certain key relationships with people who couldn’t love me. I think it’s time for me to repair the broken down car which dropped me in the Ghost town, waiting and hoping for someone familiar to show up. The open road feels full of possibility. the chance to be a person and not just an embodied feeling of longing feels expansive, too.
I appreciate that you wrote that quote out. I heard it as she said it, but the full impact was not until I read your comment. Thank you for sharing that and your thoughts on it.
@@kbc1883 You’re very welcome. I think trauma, grief, longing and regret can make the world feel very small, and as though somehow we (or at least, I) failed to notice our (my) best days until they were already behind us (me).
When Anna said what she did about ghost towns, I suddenly had this idea of how joyful it could feel to stop waiting for love, and instead to uncover what it is about the world that I love. …Something like the pure happiness a dog feels in a moving car, with the windows down - lots to smell and the air streaming off of flapping ears.
Anna’s message has come just when I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to stay where there is no future. It is ok to stop trying to get what we should have gotten from people who can’t give it to us, anyway. It is ok to become curious about the world. It is ok to discover and cultivate new talents that have nothing to do with trying to get people to like us, and have everything to do with the possibility of satisfying the question: “I wonder if I could…” (insert talent, opportunity, creative possibility, loving self-discovery here)…
I just felt so much joy at the idea that there’s plenty of future left - like, actual enjoyable future that’s full of life - and it made so much sense that I wasn’t going to find it by haunting a ghost town, trying to get on the same emotional page as the ghosts.
The open road is calling. Our talents and hearts are made for something bigger. Vroom vroom. 🌱🌿💚
@@curiositydrawsme9180 your best days are AHEAD of you . The best days are the ones in which you’re fully alive, and that seems to be you now. Enjoy them! You’ve earned it ❤
@Curiousity Draws Me so beautifully and well put! I loved reading your responds. I also feel like this is the time for me to receive that message and I hear it's call loud and clear; vroom vroom back at ya!
I usually don't post in public forums, but your comments about Vivian's infidelity, dishonesty and mistreatment of her boyfriend at the time was a sobering dose of genuine tough love. It's understandable considering her background, but your caring yet firm rebuke was completely necessary, both for her personally and for everyone watching. Part of healing is realizing that we just don't do certain things, no matter how badly we've been hurt.
"If a man is offered free sex, then even if he's not interested, he's gonna arrange for that." I wish this weren't true, but I've rarely met a man this didn't apply to. :-/
I'm the one person on earth who is limerent on a dude who isn't like that. It's baffling.
I have mental issues enough to be in that rare category.
Yes the domestic part. Doing chores together and working as a team is all i long for. Seems so cruel that those simple things are so denied.
I feel this in my soul. It’s so cruel that I literally have noone in life. Adoptee also so an added extra layer of im unloved and unwanted and adoptive family have hated me abused me all life. Now have no one. Adoptive mother dead. Dad lives too far away has now own partner.
I wish I had found this info two decades ago. Thank-you so much for your time & kindness. A journey into the deep room indeed. Stay strong friends. We do recover. ♥
Absolutely true!
Thank you for watching. This is the right place for you.Jack@TeamFairy
All the years I wasted on a bad therapist gaslighting me and a shitty boyfriend...
I can relate to this person's childhood. I suffered from neglect from my parents-both dysfunctional. I am so grateful for these videos! I am almost 65 years old and still trying to recover from my childhood. I may never do that fully, but these videos do help. Thank you.
So glad you are here with us recovering :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
There's so much more to it then being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. No one talks about how sexual abuse makes you hypersexualized as an adult and you crave similar abuse. Also, how you can become a masochist and crave being hurt all over again by not just emotionally available but by seeking sadists and extreme situations. There's even more with the shame of how your body betrayed you during sexual abuse and how normalized it becomes since you think that level of intimacy is normal with everyone when your parents are the abusers.
Anna, you are a real life superhero in my eyes. Thank you for helping us.
Thank you for the kind words. Jack@TeamFairy
I recently got back into bike riding & storm chasing.
Chasing storms on a bike sounds wild... maybe a little like limerence!
I know what it's like to have a mother who completely denies the abuse her husband put on the innocent children she had before the monster she brought to us came in. Trying to tell a "mother" what is going on and she doesn't care , doesn't see it...I totally get this. Going no contact with her and her abusive husband and my flying monkey siblings was the best decision I ever made. I'm glad she had the courage to do it too. I wish I had done it learning all of the things I should have known how to do (i.e. social interaction and relationships) but couldn't because I was protecting myself. People like her parents and mine are murderers. They kill who their children could have been. That's my belief anyway
I agree with you.
And I agree with you also.
Hey precious stone, you reached the threshold of being a positive effect for the world. You have enough experience, enough fuel to push forward to make change in this vast world. If you want ...
I wonder if Donald Trump can benefit from these lessons instead of pushing America to hurt people all over the Globe and making the reputation of the US sewage stink.
What exactly do you mean by "flying monkey siblings"? Did they attack you to be in favor with the abusive parents? If that is what you mean, I think it's a perfect description and I had the same experience with my siblings.
Agree, they destroy who we are, and could be, don’t allow us to have normal development.
Vivian… he is using you ! He sees you as a resource to make money… but not as a woman ! That is a reality!
I just found this channel… what? There’s a whole lotta people who are alone not by choice but by necessity to be sane and not in toxic relationships… this is the best therapy I’ve ever had
Hope is our dope. Thank you for this knowledge. I've just wasted 3 years on an energy vampire with narcissistic traits. I've struggled to understand how I stayed so long to my complete detriment. I'm 58 and had been 25 years without a relationship before this. Steep learning curve...now I get it.
I'm so glad you feel you're turning a corner!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The “I’m in a self destructive phase” thing sounds like the kind of thing a guy will say when they don’t see you as a potential partner, but want yo keep you around for casual secks. They will make some weird announcement up front about some reason why they have to treat you crappy, and then see if you will sign off on it. If you do, they have things the way they want them. I’m only speaking from a lot of personal experience here, no shade to the letter writer.
@@danilaroche1156funny you are aware of the word “proselytize”. I just wrote that to you in another comment. It’s really not appropriate imo to proselytize to vulnerable traumatized people. That’s how some people end up in cults.
@@danilaroche1156kind of seems like whatever religious / new age beliefs that traumatized people get into - just replaces their limerant obsession. Instead of obsessive thoughts about a guy - it’s commenting “Jesus Saves” over and over under every UA-cam comment.
@@danilaroche1156 it's the same story for me. i get why people are complaining about the 'proselytizing' though. it's been a struggle for me to figure out how to share what's worked for me but also not trigger vulnerable people. before i found jesus i couldn't stand it when people mentioned him etc. Just wanted to say it's the same for me, though.
One of THEE best segments on limerance!! Thank you🌟🌟
I joined an organization and, across the room, saw a man that literally made my heart jump. I went to every meeting, every event, any time I thought he'd be there. If he was there, I'd often look up and he was staring at me. But we never spoke. Neither of us made the attempt. Finally the day came when I had a good reason to speak with him. He invited me to his house (he was single, early 50s, a year older than me, never married). We sat out on his porch, him smoking a good quality cigar, sipping lemonade, and talking about everything under the sun. I drove home on cloud nine--this has got to be Mr. Right! We started to 'hang out,' not dating, but going to movies, out to eat, local concerts, etc. But it never went beyond friendship--and it was a really good, comfortable friendship. He started disappearing--not answering his phone or calling me, pretty much hibernating for weeks at a time. Then out of the blue he'd call me, act like he talked to me yesterday, and make plans. My adult kids really liked him. I had more fun with him at Walmart than I did with my ex on a cruise. But...the relationship did not progress. I believe he was asexual--not attracted to men or women. One night I came on a little strong, not telling him I loved him but that I had feelings for him. Eventually I had to let go. I figured he has my phone number, email, and knows where I live--if he wants to contact me, he will. I heard nothing from him until...8 months later...I got an email on my birthday from him, saying something to the effect that many years ago God created a wonderful woman, blah blah blah. I was stunned. It sounded like something a boyfriend would write.
So this never had any closure or anything. I know I made a fool of myself. I told several friends that were in the organization where we met that I was crazy about this guy. From the women I'd get warnings. From the men I'd hear that he talks about me all the time, we're meant to be together, etc.
Then tonight I came across this video. I've been listening to your videos for a few weeks now--it's so incredible to have explanations and reasons for why I am the way I am. Anyway, I now know I was in limerence. I also know that I was pursuing someone who was unavailable, and the worst part is that at some level I knew it all along, but I challenged myself to win him over.
Thank you for your videos...they are so valuable. And as someone who's been where we are, you can relate on a whole deeper level than our friends who have no clue.
You didn't make a fool of yourself. You put yourself out there and shot your shot and if you hadn't done so, you'd be wondering "what if". He is the one who has issues, and should have been mature enough to be honest with you and explain that he wasn't seeking anything beyond friendship with you.
My god, what an upbringing. It’s a testament to her that she survived, albeit very wounded. We really need to start giving psychological tests to wannabe parents. As for the obsession with appearance and age, I totally get that in our youth-obsessed society. I’m 64 but look 45, yet nothing changes the fact that I’m 64. There is a 47 year old guy in my apartment building who is cute and seems very nice. We have great convos when we run into one another in the parking lot or hallway, and my co-worker keeps saying I should have a fling with him. No way, man. There is no way I would put myself in that position even if he expressed interest, which he hasn’t. Therein madness lies. But I’m not judging Vivian whatsoever; her desire for love and acceptance leaks through every word in her letter, and it’s heartbreaking.
Me too. I’m not going to embarrass and humiliate myself by getting involved with a younger man who will leave me. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He married her, lived with her and all her kids, then cheated, left her, and married someone his own age and had his own kids. Doesn’t matter how rich or hot you are- it only makes it sting worse.
@@genxx2724 Exactly. But I do understand how tempting it is when you’ve never really been loved by anyone and then connect with someone who, if you could take 15 years off your age, might be the one. Reality bites, lol.
@@designchik It won’t be “the one”. It’s emotionally safe for someone who’s disordered, because you know no matter how good it is, it’s not going to last.
I get that the age gap is substantial, but the bigger issue, IMHO, is always going to be if the person is interested and if you're interested. It doesn't have to be a mess just because of the age gap. But would I always go slowly, now that I've been hurt? Absolutely.
No psychological test in my state, just a pregnancy test and then all the choices have been made for you.
Scary to know that someone as cold, cruel and violent worked in an ER
I've watched a lot of these videos and they help a lot - but I wonder if there's such a thing as platonic limerence? Like wanting a friend so badly and having expectations and magical thinking about meeting people that you hope could be your best friend but end up flaking on you, shaming you or outright disappearing? I never felt like there was a lot of loyalty in my family so I sought that "family" from others and attached myself to a lot of unavailable people, emotionally and even geographically, lol. I often felt like I was too attached to people, that no one understood me and I was too clingy when really I just wanted to connect with people. I kept chasing after these people because I constantly felt like I did or said something wrong. Maybe limerence is the wrong term for friendships but I feel like this applies a lot. I'm autistic along with my family trauma so it's like a double whammy.
I don't know if there's a word for it but I understand exactly what you are referring to and I had the same struggles. I recommend checking out our membership where others have had same struggles and are learning together now :)
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have this exactly and have never heard someone else say it.
"Admitting the abuse is not suddenly not being the person that she was." -CCF
This hit hard. I got pulled into being vulnerable with my NM too and it just resulted in more dysregulation for me.
Lesson learned and now reinforced with this quote from Anna.
"Hope is our dope." That pretty much spells it out. Thanks!
As someone who is attracted to emotionally unavailable men and narcissists, this gave me tremendous insight. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a place where I can be in a healthy relationship but I am able to identify what I’m doing wrong. Thank you these videos. 🙏❤️
I'm so glad the video was helpful! If you're interested, Anna offers a course on dating and relationships, here's a link: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you! I’ll check it out
Omg how relevant it is! A few days ago I've noticed that I have some features of my grandma's behavior (who was always 'saving' people, especially alcoholics). I started diving deeper into it and found out I am attracted to an emotionally unavailable man and instead of running away I want to... Save him! And give him my love to 'fix' him 🤦🏼♀️ Thanks God I've come across a book by Robin Norwood 'Women who love too much' and just finished reading it. I'm so glad I made myself aware of this problem before it got too late. Your video was like a sign I'm moving in the right direction!
Same here.
He was unavailable, with a lot of problems in his life, an alcoholic.
As a former people pleaser I wanted to save him at the risk of losing myslef again in the process.
But thank God and thank my healing journey cause this time i knew i couldn't save him, I knew I would have drown trying like all my previous relationships (friends, family, romantic ones)
Terrific book.
I wasn't ignored at home, and still , I have done some of this.
@33:00 had me crying. To feel that power and creativity energy swell and to know that there is no future for it is so very hard, devastating really. It is that energy that I have walled off, done so much to make sure I didn't go there (stayed obese, isolated, not done what I could to be attractive). Because every time I've changed those things, the hope comes back, the interactions with men start, and I end up feeling that energy and I know it is limerence and I cannot bear it, so I go back into walling off. It is such a frustrating and life saping cycle.
Yeah 😢
This world is so full of sick people and misleading idiocy jealousy sadism sometimes I feel this world is hell . But now I see it as a dangerous place that yields opportunities as well as rusty poisonous bear traps ; wonderful people and parasites, sages and demons. You cannot go out into the world without a mentor. A sane warm even tempered disciplined balanced wise mentor . For me it’s mostly authors I trust and books , and certainly this channel is of unbelievable value. Having no mentors and no beacon or choosing the wrong ones can kill you. You need Merlin figures . The terrible thing is that I implicitly learned to force myself to follow adults unconditionally , that they will know . This message nearly killed me . I am disgusted at the looks obsessed abusive woman described in this video’s Ietter it nearly made me want to throw up . Some people make you ashamed to belong to the same species.
59 and rocking..... You go girl
I believe it could be healing if she knew what motivated her mom to do these awful things. My own mother abandoned me. Decades later, I learned that she was unwanted as a child. She endured many awful and hurtful things. Now, I have compassion for her and absolutely zero bitterness. It makes it easier to heal, when you have understanding.
My mother and extended family showered my fraternal twin sister with accolades for her beauty which resembled my mother’s - I looked completely like her abusive husband and suffered for it. I still don’t know how I remain a fairly nice person :-). Stay kind to yourself and others above all.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're here, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for these- you are the only person who goes so in depth and really the fine details of each situation. I am really finding this stuff helpful you are great and you have a wonderful energy, thank you. Also you are very pretty 😊
Hearing about child abuse lacerates my heart. God bless her.
Me too :(
-Cara@TeamFairy
Narcissists and noses. I can so relate. My narcissistic mother also had an obsession with noses. I love your channel. I had a lot trouble with unrequited love and did not have the language for it or the tools to disengage until I found your videos on limerance. Thank you. ❤
So did my grandmother who laughed at people’s noses, weight, etc. Never really a close bond. I always wondered what she was like when she was young.
I love your compassion toward the letter writer and your validation is healing also for me as a daughter of a narcissistic mother
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm 69 and exhausted. Glad I found you.
Yes , it makes one a prime target of a Negligent Narcissist.
These are the breadcrumbers, ignore you when present, and love pop you when you pull back. They ignore you when in the same room or table, and they punish you by withholding your needs, expressed or known.
Wow! So well said @ambivalent5842. You just nut-shelled my last relationship of 9 long years.
Yes. Horrid. Mental torture.
Sadly met too many of them
Oh my God right
I finally found a place where people can relate to where I am , where Iv been , and hopefully I can grow & get better 🙏🏼
Everything you say makes so much sense, can't stop commenting, my mom was threatened by me because I was taller and more "nordic" than her, which she idealized, she reminded me at every turn that nobody will ever want me, all the men want her not me, she was emotionally stuck at a very low level. When I gained weight because of my mental issues and bullying at school she did everything to sabotage my attempts to lose weight and basically became another bully. When I almost died from an eating disorder she didn't care about the possibility of my death, she yelled at me: you're not that thin!!! and tried to compete with my weight loss. My little sister became her beloved mini me, she's a narc too unfortunately...the narcissist divides and pits siblings against each other, you are always alone.
Omg I feel so sorry for what you had to go through...same here with putting siblings against each other-my mother did this all the time (brother was a golden child and she tortured me by giving him outwardly more care, gifts, responsibility....while I was exploding with anger and wanting same treating, she guilttripped me for this behavior) and at the same time she guilttripped me to not be enough kind to my younger brother..
This is painful to read and I understand what you are talking about. Thank you for sharing with us.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I realized I forgot to mention the most insidious and disgusting thing she did, which was accusing me of trying to "steal" my father from her. One of my worst memories is when I was 6 years old and my mother had a massive tantrum and yelled at me that I'm trying to steal her husband (my FATHER) because he watched a kids movie with me and made us popcorn while she was out of the house...which she thought was a "date" I guess. When my little sister was born I wanted to play "being the mommy", which is a normal thing to do for a little girl I was told much later in life, and the yelling that accompanied the beatings turned into "YOU WANT TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, YOU WANT TO STEAL MY CHILD". Later when I was a pre teen my dad started taking me on hiking trips because I shared his love for the outdoors, which my mom and sister didn't. I came home to my mom yelling at me that she knows I had s*x with him, I kid you not. My dad never did anything like this to me, he's just a very passive and dependent man who's very good at ignoring whatever doesn't fit into his comfort zone, he just left the room whenever my mom started losing it and left me there.
I think I never told that part to anyone outside therapy and I push it to the back of my mind as much as I can. My therapist didn't believe me but it did really happen, I begged my father to tell me what he remembers for real or if I'm crazy and he admitted it was real, she was violently jealous of a 6 year old girl that happened to be her own daughter, has this happened to anyone else?!
@@c.w.8200 Strange how good men attach themselves to evil women and stand by them to the end, the kids be damned. Happens in reverse also.
Dear Letter Writer, OMG what a hard thing. I am 70 years old and could have written your letter myself. From the vantage point of being OLD please please listen to Anna's advice. You still have time to fix things. Best of luck to you and warmest wishes.
Thank you for the kind words for the letter writer!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Gosh what's the term for when a couple bonds over abusing a child? I think I heard it in the Netflix doc about Gabriel Fernandez. That's what this story reminds me of. Only thank God not as severe as that.
What a sick woman her mother is. Sounds like she never wanted to be a mother from the get to. She just wanted a little mini me to live vicariously through and reflect positively on her. But somehow to do that without surpassing her lol. Crazy.
That's exactly how my mom is. Wanted me to make up for everything she thinks she's not. But then gets jealous and has to take me down because of her insecurity. All my life it was "you're going to college." And when I graduated it was, "oh so you think you're smarter than me now huh?" Any time I get something cool she gets one too only nicer. She compares her weight and appearance to mine too.
You can't win with a parent like that. Only thing is to walk away.
That sounds sooo much like my mother was. Thank you for putting it into words. I did "walk away". She spent the rest of her life convincing everyone she possibly could that I'd mistreated her. It never ended. I'm so glad I walked away.
I'm 68 (in two days) and all of this applies to me too. I'm at the stage where I can feel the surge of fake love and push it away through the same kind of avoidance Annie advocates in the video: not signing new contracts, no need to explain. On another self help video I heard a psychologist say that trying to fix your limerent object is arrogance. It's a way to control them, which is not possible even if it were healthy. This situation reminds me of "La belle dame sans merci" by John Keats. The knight is dying because he fell in love with a limerent object -- was she real or supernatural? He can't tell. He's sitting by a lake that was magically transformed, but suddenly it's winter. She rode off, almost mocking him. Was it real? He has hallucinations. He feels like he's dying.
Im 55 and although I am so thoroughly educated and well-versed on the wounds i carry and the reasons for them...as well as recognizing why i choose unavailable men and live in "hope" with these men... i continue the cycle.
I can talk the talk and maybe even spew advice to someone who asks, but damn if I'm able to show myself respect and self love and STOP the madness. I don’t even know, at this point in my life, if there's hope for change or if I'm capable of it. When does a person "know when they're healed? Or no longer carrying childhood wounds?"
I thank GOD for people like you, who I stumbled upon years ago & who have helped me see the light in so many ways, helped to validate feelings & emotions I've never been allowed to express or feel.
But im addicted to these podcasts & advice...just like you said.
I'm genuinely scared and hopeless and unsure there can or will ever be hope for change within me.
Interesting point about limerence fueling creativity. I used to consider the objects of my limerence "muses" and I really enjoyed the inspiration. Funny, since I have healed from that somewhat, I'm less prolific as an artist. I confess to loving the creative high, and have wondered if I could keep it, while still enjoying being committed to myself.
I want to be alone. My picker is broken and I prefer being alone.
I'm tired. I'm 60 and finally got diagnosed with borderline personality. Thank God! It all makes sense!
Indeed I have wounded my children...which is a tremendous burden to bare.
I am learning and growing but since coVid my dysregulation has gotten so much more WILD. I seem to come across "harsh" especially with my devouring mother. I seem to hurt people or offend them effortlessly.
It is much easier to be alone. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially me since I have been in trauma for 59 years. I'm tired and just would rather be alone and sleep 16-18 hours a day and play w my kitten.
The entire world appears dysregulated to me and I don't want to be part of it.
Dealing w my own amends and dysregulated self is all I have energy for.
Thank you CCF. Your videos help me center and calm myself down.xo
Hang in there, you actually sound like a fun person together be around, saying 'my picker is broken", made me kinda giggle...
@@grandiesgarden175 im glad.
DBT saved my sanity and my life. It doesn't have to be like that. You CAN regulate your emotions. I did it at 63.
@@loriritchie1156how long did it take until you noticed a difference in your felt experience of the world?
@@Embers167 I will vouch for dbt. If you really buy into it and do the work of using the skills and buy into the gimmick for lack of a better term, it can improve your life very quickly. It gives you tools but you have to use them.
Annie is a different calibre from most people -in any field - offering their insights. My jaw metaphorically drops at the honesty and wisdom with which she deftly deals with delicate dilemmas.
Thanks for your comment & thanks for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
Oh, Anna, Sweetheart! I think you’re a huge improvement over perfection and I’m so glad you took the clothespin off your nose, laugh my head off!
as a woman who works in architecture, most male architects are bad news as people/partners, it’s a very narcissistic field, not to mention most people in it are extremely busy. the whole culture of the field is male-dominated, invalidating and harsh, and you don’t want that in your life. avoid avoid avoid.
The Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC was designed by a woman who also designed the new public library in our nearby college town. Your work is valid and is a testament to your talent and ability. The good ol' boy clubs are pathetic and even self destructive. Be glad you are shining through that pall. "Don't let the bastards get you down." Success is the best revenge.
It was George from Seinfeld’s fake career hahahaah 😂😂😂
I don't think you can classify entire professions as unsafe.
It's tempting to protect ourselves by coming up with rules like "stay away from this or that profession".
I'm sorry you've been through so much though.
@@frankG335you’ve never been to architecture school! I have 1 yr left and im interior but I have to agree on this one … considering not finishing school it’s such a triggering environment
@@frankG335i’ve only ever interacted with one architect in a romantic way and he fits this bill as well💀
I have just started my journey and it’s really hard. I have tried before but this time I do actually feel hope. Thank god for people like you who are there to be the friend that tells us the truth and helps us understand and encourage us when we stumble.
You are on your way, congratulations!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna! Omg. Resonate moments: Pollyanna, “friends”, boundaries!
That was an abusive mother…. I am glad she is away from her. 😢.
Havent proceeded to the feedback part of video yet; but will say I really admire this gals strength- that she went out into the world and created a great carrier for herself. Thats huge.
While not physically abused in the presence of a disinterested parent, and my mother wasnt quite as malignant as hers- everything she’s said resonates with me. The 8 year old “what do i do with this information” kinda thing: and the sense of shock felt in the body when as an adult you hear parents say unbelievable things that expose just how unsafe you are with them: Those are only two examples of “Yes! I get it!”
Im same age- not nearly as graduated and removed from harmful factions as she is. Just wanted to acknowledge her share. Vital to ones sanity to hear. Thank you SO VERY MUCH !
I love that the letter writer cut contact with their abusive mother as an adult
I love the voice you made as the neighbors. The ER doc theory you have sounds right on the money. This mother was horrific. It breaks my heart.
OMG! I recall reading the same information in a science textbook about the baby monkeys - furry "mom" and wire cage "mom" and I have told people about that over the years. You are the only other person I have ever heard recalling that same info from a high school text book.
I have to say. This video was exactly what I needed to hear. I tried to fall (tried not to fall) in love with a CPSTD victim recently. It was devastating
That sounds hard. You're in the right place and we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My love life was basically one disaster after another. When I was a child I had ADHD and serious Dyslexia. I was put down sooooooo much that it destroyed my self esteem and self worth. I didn’t have the courage to be in a relationship with someone who never went through what I went through. They never understood me. I was different and the relationships fizzled and died. This happened time and time again. I needed love and understanding and it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
Man ... this sucks for her! I am SO GRATEFUL that i just realized that i have dropped all limerant fantasies BECAUSE my life is now fulfilling and joyful and i have learned to trust that i am my own creative "partner" and do not need some "half" relationship with yet another unavailable man. I realized how far i have come after listening to your video❤
That's amazing, thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg, to the letter writer, I'm so glad you got away from your mom and that she treated you like that. I hope all your dreams come true. This video really helped me. Love and Light!!
Thank u Crappy Childhood Fairy!!
I am becoming aware of these dynamics. Grateful I am not dating and just going through the cycle without having moved and damaging my life in real time.
Yip, I can attest to that. Fortunately I realized this in my early adult hood, but still have not healed from it. I certainly cannot wait to listen to you on this!
That's an interesting thought that the step-father denied his family because someone might have been in the room whom he didn't want to know about his life. Yes, it surely could be someone like a nurse he worked with daily. One time I had a car for sale. The woman who came over to try out my car (and she bought it) had a guy with her helping her make the decision. I thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend, a couple for sure. I recognized them immediately from both working at the deli at the grocery store which I frequented. She waited on me now and then. Months after the sale, I was ordering at the deli counter again and smiled and spoke to the man who waited on me. He seemed like he had never seen me before. I asked him if he remembered --he came to my house with Amy, and she bought the car I had for sale. I couldn't understand, but he kept shaking his head no, and saying no as I expanded my questioning, like "Yes, Amy who works here...you remember I had a such-and-such car for sale...I live on (street) and you both came over to look at the car. He kept repeatedly shaking his head no, and looked like he was hoping I'd leave soon. Yes, I realized that the other co-workers were around and he couldn't admit going somewhere with Amy. Oops...
The stepfather probably never mentioned his family at work, and had affairs with nurses. The mother was humiliated when the daughter brought the neighbors’ knowledge home. She was afraid he would leave her, and was relieved when he abused the daughter, because it showed there was hope - he wasn’t completely disengaged.
This was truly fantastic advice and thank you for this. Your videos made sense but this one definitely hit home. You read me in that letter and my feelings were exactly like hers. This stuff and all this trauma is so tramatic. I think you should start a love and addiction anonymous lol. I'd be the first to join.
thanks for another brilliant video, yes my early life upto 33 was blown away by limerance and emophilia. very very difficult to overcome (especially when i didnt know what it was). I was a classic avoidant attachment, love anorexic in S.L.A. terminology. it was education first, but as this was 20 years ago, nobody was saying to me heal yourself first and then try relationships. I just had my attachment knowledge. I did my usual difficult choices, but i did learn to have real, disclosing relationships. Painful is a word that wouldnt cover it....especially the losses, it barely felt survivable.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The cruelty people are capable of is off the chart. Get a spiritual support group…a church or community…a new family. Healing can happen in sharing with others. ❤
Our humor and sarcasm and tough love honesty so much 😂
Thank you so much, Ms. Anna, for all these stories of others' struggles. I can so relate to what they have been through/are going through. It is really comforting to know that we are not alone in our pain and suffering. Each one of these vids helps all of us gain the knowledge we need to get free of past trauma, to heal, and to understand why we do the things we do.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is horrifying I just spent 50 years trying to figure all this out by myself. 😢
Thank you Anna! Especially for the F-word:) “You’ll be in love with me, and I”ll be your friend, it”ll be great for me”. “It is they great for them, they can feed off all that energy” - you nailed it!
So insightful. Never have I ever considered the importance of staying sober in the early months of dating in order to stay sharp-witted enough to catch any potential red flags. When you come from a broken background, some of us are not aware of all the different choices at our disposal. We can move from a 8-bit to CGI mindset and the world opens up. This is one of many insights I gained from this video alone. You’re the best Crappy Fairy, ever!! ❤
GOD bless the people who share their stories. I wouldn't dare. Sometimes I cringe at the tough love parts because I can imagine what Anna would say to me about my relationship habits. She wouldn't be telling me anything I don't know. In fact most of the people who write in seem to know EXACTLY what they're doing and what they need to change. But it somehow hits differently when someone who KNOWS the game, confronts you with the truth 😬. I honestly think that's the only reason some people try to be mean to Anna. It's their way of defending themselves, their victimhood, and their fortress of denial.
Thank you for your brains. You got a style that is so different from other advisers. You are so realistic and we can identify totally with the letter writer you are reading and analysing. It is so true every word you say and such a mind opener talk
A whole video just to let us see “ women are being used”. This instance, a lesson to show an architect for example using not just a free ride but pleasure for his own self improvement or importance building from a most beautiful intelligent woman
I hope our friend can read you and us, the audience of her story that is of millions of women who have same experience
Thank you so much
Thank you for this video! I have limmerance.(sp) I have it for a woman And her Church group. I didn't realize how powerful and seductive limmerance is/can be!
Immediately after the video I saved vid to my CCF relationship collection and did the writing you taught us. I am free from it right now and can see the danger and roots my lifetime of limmerance caused me. I am certain I will be writing more about her and her church in my daily meditations to remain free of this destructive self lying. I'm grateful you don't hide what's in your courses from us like other videographers do. I am grateful because you're helping me keep my head above water where I can breathe. Lots of work ahead, but my freedom, +mental and emotional health are my Goal.
Peace... is my ultimate bottom line.
Wow I've been very hard on myself for some of the crap I did as a mother. The writing and meditation has been really helping but hearing these stories makes me feel like maybe I wasn't so bad. The stepdad and mother were psychotic narcissists. I can imagine what happened to them to make them that way And yes I agree he was playing to someone nearby in the ER. For Vivian--What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So glad she is away from them and recovering. Healing is a lifetime journey ❤❤❤ God Bless 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
✨Hope is our dope✨
You should put that on a t-shirt 😂
lol not a bad idea, we need some merch :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am a clinical psychologist and oI want to extend immense gratitude for the knowledge and wisdom you share. Awesome!!
Thanks so much. That means a lot.
You’re absolutely spot on! I adore your practical and straight up advice. So much time can be spent in therapy sessions indulging in thoughts and feelings.
Her mother is a complete psychopath and all psychopaths know exactly what they are doing to people. I am the exact same age as the writer and my mother was also a narcissistic psychopath. At this stage of my life, I am still always completely amazed at the fact that my brothers and I have any sense of true self and normalcy at all.
While I was lucky to have a loving, kind and communicative mother, it was my father who was emotionally abusive and treated us terribly. I am understanding now that I've kept my dreams and relationships at arms length because I am afraid of failure and think I don't deserve full love. I should honor my amazing mother with loving myself and try to distance from the father's negativity
I love how brutally honest she is but I fear I would cry with my story responded too…so many red flags
Dang. That was strong and made so much sense that she also got the looksism bit from her mom. I've seen it before not only with looks, personally i have a behaviourism thing. It's great to see that it's normal to take so much time to wake up to stuff like that... sad... but great.
Is limerence more common in artists? Artists seem, by virtue of the trade, to live on hope - getting the next part, getting a script produced, someone buying a painting...
I so wish this info had been available when I was in my 20s.
This!
Yeah 😢
Thank you! I'm still waiting for you to talk about us who were neglected during childhood and as adults now, we don't have any urges around romantic love, friends or connection. I know I'm not the only one (cause I've commented this before and had people who relate) and I think I'd love to know your pov about what are we, actually? Are we healing, are we just introverts who enjoy our own company or we are just deeply depressed? I see a lot of content around childhood trauma and the urge for love and crappy relationships. I wish I'd hear more about the second part... about us who suddenly stopped feeling the urge to look for new partners cause we don't feel like doing this at all. Are we good, or are we worse then when we were needy?
excellent point. i now love videos discussing other trauma invoked issues, like at work, acquaintances, other than romantic. i think i gave up in deserving or hoping for romance when i was still a kid. didn’t realize it would last.
Me too. I'm 34 and have nothing but negative experiences since I was 4. I literally have no happy memories that lasted at all. I seem to have given up and accepted that some of us have been dealt a different hand in life compared to others growing up. I feel like this is wrong for me to do but I can't keep on trying to be happy looking forward to the imaginary prince charming that's going to come along and save me.
I hope you have found answers by now, either way you seem to have an avoidant attachment style, there are videos on UA-cam about it. I also recommend you the books of Diane Poole Heller
I’m 60 , probably time to throw in the towel.. im sure other women feel that they are just “Bad Pickers” 🤔after working on childhood trauma for 3.5 yrs 🤷♀️
I just found that room! Hence why I'm here! A lot of processing
I'm so glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I remember being heartbroken too watching that monkey experiment. Thank you for that metaphor. I have been holding onto the wire monkey. Bless you.
I love your videos and your remarks. HOwever, I want to point out that age is jsut a number, that age gaps don't have to be a problem. I was 23 when I got together with my then-43. y/o boyfriend. 12 years later, we had been married 4 years and were happy. I would be with him still if he had not passed suddenly. Now I'm in a relationship the other way...I'm 37 and my partner is 25. It can work fine as long as everyone acknowledges the differnce and gives allowance for it.
To be fair, Annie is working with facts that are larger than your personal experience. It is a fact that the human brain is not fully formed until the late twenties. In your case, maybe you were spectacularly mature for your age, or just lucky. Maybe you didn't encounter the kind of adversity that requires mature choices.