I Get Annoyed By My Wife's Feelings...
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- Опубліковано 20 лип 2024
- I Get Annoyed By My Wife's Feelings...
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From experience, when this pattern takes root, the wife learns she can’t say anything to the husband but unbridled praise. She stops connecting with him to avoid the anger. She turns elsewhere for her emotional needs and connection-friends, kids, maybe even another man. Suddenly there’s no emotional intimacy and he’s going to become even nastier when that leads to a reduction in physical intimacy. And he will be utterly clueless as to why his wife doesn’t want anything to do with him. Thank you for first telling this husband to grow up.
Amen, sister.
Well that escalated quickly.
THIS!!!
Yet another example of the man being to blame for everything.
Thank you
Why would she want to sleep with him after he yells at her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never understand this, the men that want S right after treating the woman like dirt. Not exactly a turn on 😂 imagine telling your man he's useless, then demanding you be serviced...🤦♀️
He feels she should be like a bang maid. That makes sense to him bc he really had no feelings.
Acting like a child is such a turnoff. Nobody wants to sleep with you when you're emotionally unavailable and behaving like a kid.
My ex did this too. He’d yell at me and call me names, then wondered why I wouldn’t be interested in sex. 🙄🙄
Right?????????????
Women don't always want men to "fix" things. Sometimes, we just want them to listen.
Izzysmom true story.
@@bmcdonald7303 Yes!!!!! Just listen and either hug or hold them as they share! I know for me that is all I need my husband to do!
Yes! And just acknowledge like Dr. John said, "Man that really sucks! I'm sorry that happened to you." The book, You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen has some really good information about the different communication styles of men and women.
And now here's the male perspective. We do listen that's how we know how to fix. Men's job is to fix. If you want someone just to listen that's what you have your sisters your female friends your mother your grandmother. The reality is that men have historically been the ones tasked with fixing things. Which leaves us women on aware of how things get fixed. You think you just talk about stuff and magically it gets better. You don't realise the man listen and then go try and fix problems. The worst thing you could do is ask us to try and stop fixing things.
@@chriswalker7895 I agree. Men definitely should learn to listen to a woman venting if he cares about her. But at a certain point they need to learn their female friends are for venting.
At least this guy called and asked for advice, most men with behavioural don't even think at all.
Yeah and this doctor is in denial with the rest of male-kind, this is not a socialization problem, this is a biology problem. They continue to deny it while at the same time painting the false narrative thst socialization will fix it…THEM, well the problem with that is bc it’s mass scale, that will DEFINITELY not be possible and in the process of trying to do that impossible, only women and children pay the price.
And in denying that reality, this doctor does a full circle to assert that he is just as selfish as every MALE. Their selfishness is also BIOLOGY. That is why they are compelled to find only solutions that sacrifice everyone else at their expense. The ability to be unselfish is literally is excluded in their species psychology
So fucking true!!!! Gotta meet people where they are, not where you expect them to be.
Just curious, how do you know they don't think at all?
Hey guys. The intimacy starts outside the bedroom!
Totally!!
Amen ❤️
Sure does. Also starts with maybe appreciating your partner for what they do first before correcting their faults.
Said no man ever
Weird how you have to turn the oven on, grease it up, and be patient.
This sht right here is exactly why my marriage is ending. Im constantly told my feelings are irritating to him.
same it hurts more then I have words to express, worst part for me is since my parents abused me too i didn't notice what was happening till I had several seizures brought on from extreme cptsd anxiety... I'll be praying for you on your journey sweety your not alone
I was trying to connect to my husband this morning in the kitchen while he was cooking. I was talking about an embroidery video I watched last night and he suddenly does deep breaths like he’s trying to calm himself from hitting me.
A spouse who doesn't care about their spouse's feelings is a narcisssist.
Wouldn’t that apply to the wife as well? If she complains and NEVER compliments/encourages, then yeah, no wonder he’s frustrated.
@@klickingkayasmr7585 a wife is a spouse, a husband is a spouse.
They're both spouses.
That's not what narcissism is. It's just a popular thing to call people. You've never met a narcissist in your life nor have most people.
My husband is like this and I am finally divorcing him. I guess that's why this video popped up in my recommendations.
80 percent of divorces are due to women leaving....lesbian marriages are twice as likely to end in divorce...A woman wanting divorce is only natural.
As soon as I find a job and an apartment I’m leaving mine too
The stupid thing is, I have a feeling he lashes out more because he knows how stuck I am at the moment.
I vent when my hubby picks me up from work, about everything, my other half knows I'm just releasing the pressure valve and he just has to nod along in agreement that everyone outside our house is an arse and that is all I need from him. By the time we get home, 3 minutes tops, we're talking about dinner and I couldn't give a toss about work, he's so good to me, x
My Wife does the same. IT WORKS!
Im happy for u
i dont get what you mean for after work..
also do you at least satisfy his needs as well?
He "nods." He has a girlfriend lol
It’s funny but I just started reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and the first chapter is this exactly.
Men want to fix everything when women just want someone to listen. We’re just different and need to learn how to understand our partners better. They should teach this stuff in schools.
You give some very valid feedback ( I'm a mental health professional over 25 years specialising in trauma) but boy you could use a female perspective on your show. Your lack of insight into the female experience psychologically and biologically means there are big gaps in your insight into our lived situations. Not your fault of course but a woman with the same level as compassion as yourself who understands what it's like to give birth, raise babies, be isolated at home etc would really take this channel to another level IMHO.
This is why I left my ex-husband. Any feeling or opinion I had was an invitation to berate me. He was the most insecure person I have ever met. Our relationship turned violent and I walked out with my six year old. I now have a husband who is the opposite. Dont waste your time with men like this.
This show has made me realize how much I take my fiancé for granted sometimes.
He listens and lets me vent and NEVER makes me feel annoying or judged. He’s not as good at expressing HIS feelings but maybe that’s okay. If he can accept me for how I am than I should be able to do the same.
You are very blessed if your fiancé allows you to
Connect by stating your feelings.
Fiancés are different than husbands. You’ll find out in a few years AFTER being married whether or not he listens.
@@elyse443 Well, we’re married now and so far so good! Guess we’ll see lol
YAYYY! Prayers for a happy marriage- my husband and I have one but it took 8 years and ups and downs of figuring stuff out and just what is happening and I’m glad you are already on that track and it sounds like the huzz is too!!
@@Christanstonir Blessings to you and your husband as well! I’m glad you were able to prevail together and figure everything out! 😊🙏
I know we’re still new into it but I can honestly say that every day just seems to get better and better. We actually make a really great team and he’s worked a lot on his communication. 😊
This is why I got divorced, I eventually could not talk to him. I wish the best for this man and hope he doesn't become the bully my ex was.
second that, except he already has be a bully, acts like he is owed sex no matter what or how he dismisses her. Doubtful this can be fixed, really.
🤮 coercion is not sexy. Dude doesn’t see how he’s just not acting attractive..?
Sigh 😮💨 I’m right here
Im getting there. 4-5 years of him getting angry but not making changes is total bs!
There are different types of abuse. There is physical, verbal , and emotional. Abusers come in all shades, and they tend to know they are wrong, and some, like this man, will actually reach out, and most times, nothing comes of it. He is emotionally abusive, his selfishness, his anger, and his mood cause her emotional instability, and he expects her to want to have sex with him, isn't that insane. If this continues, his marriage will end, if not now, then ten years in the future, and he will claim to be blindsided
I've been in this position, his wifes position, I'd get shut down for communicating calmly about what I wanted to make the relationship more connected, then I later was in an abusive relationship, in which it was about the person controlling me. So now I'm frightened to communicate my needs incase a person shuts down and also frightened of falling for a controlling man again. I know I need to put in the work on myself, building self worth, I just don't know how to do it.
The right therapist can be the best guide. The right therapist will change your entire life, I promise. You still have to put in the work but the right guide can ensure you're doing the right work
Same thing for me and my ex. I became afraid to communicate, afraid to bring things up, afraid of what his reaction would be. I began to tiptoe around issues which just made things worse, to the point where I just stopped saying anything.
And, on his side, he still expected the same intimacy, trust, and connection despite the fact that he felt me pulling away and knew I was losing trust. He still blames me for not trusting him and for ruining our relationship. But, I know, I did everything I could to save our relationship, to approach problems differently, to hear him and support him and make him feel appreciated and valued. It was just that he wasn’t making the same effort on his end. So it was best for us to part ways and find someone more emotionally intelligent and compatible.
The best advice about intimate reltionships was told to me about 40 yrs ago. An older friend said to me "When ever you met someone you're interested in dating, never bring up how bad you've been treated in a previous relationship". There's the type of man who will pick up just where the other guy left off in the relationship and he sees you waiting for his type. There are also guys who are instantly turned off by hearing any negative details about a failed relationship. They feel like they're getting set up to fail, wasting their time and might view you as a flight risk, so to speak. Either way, I wouldn't discuss any personal details about love lost early on before getting to know whether or not you want to spend more time with this person.
@@geminisunleomoon You should never speak badly of your past relationships. It says more about you than your exes.
Listening is gold to women…..not yelling and judging and name calling because they come to you for help.
100%. Women process THROUGH talking. The solution IS the talking most of the time. That's usually all we need.
If men listened to women, they wouldn't have problems. Most women tell men exactly what they need and when they need it.
This is the reason why I never want to get married. A lot of men don’t understand that when a woman has a problem, we don’t expect you to “fix” the problem. We just want someone to listen to us and the problem we are having at the time. Sometimes women just need to vent sometimes and talk out the frustration, it depends if the dude reacts or not. Communication is key in any relationship.
It's stupid that you want to annoy a man with your problems and not try to find a solution. This is why, as a woman, i'm ashamed of women like you.
@@Jeca299 There's many roads to Rome. Problems can be solved in all sorts of ways. Being listened to makes a woman feel safe and often problems will resolve themselves. She's often trying to connect emotionally to her partner.
Why "as a woman", are you ashamed of the OP? A stranger you've never met. How bizarre! You're individuals and what she does has no bearing on you.
It's a dilemma, men are aware of it as well.. what this guy is struggling with is soooo common.
I don't think that's really a good reason not to get married, though. Marriage is both people learning to grow separately but also together. You work on your weaknesses and they help you out. And you help them and you both become stronger together. Life sucks and it's great having someone to be there. Just like with any relationship they're going to be rough times but you handle them. I've been married for almost 12 years and I'm telling you, I don't know what I would do without this man. We both have become so different from who we were when we got married. And we did it together. There were hard times but we got through it and they are so much fewer and farther between.
There is no reason not to say, I'm just needing tell you this, I don't expect you to fix this. Then he can relax and listen vs thinking what does she expect ME to do to that random bus driver?
Kudos to him for being self aware about his issues and being willing to seek assistance. He’s human and everyone has their issues. We work to fix them.
The annoyance may be rooted in low self esteem. Every time she comes to him, maybe he is feeling attacked and like he is not doing well enough and is not good enough. The annoyance is defensiveness.
@Ramsey Hernandez think it’s all people. Not just white.....
@Ramsey Hernandez racism? Seriously. Not cool
Thats what i was thinking. They say when telling your spouse a problem and you dont want to argue with them, you should approach them with sentences like "i feel like this when this happened" instead of "you did this and because of you this happened"
Thanks for this insight.
Which is unhealthy…
Men if you find yourself stuck on how to handle your wife's emotions and feelings here is a technique. Don't get frustrated.
Take a deep breath and ask her how can I help you?
How can I make you feel better? That sounds stupid I know, but just ask her straight out. Is there anything I can do? If not then just give her a hug. That's all you need to do.
Your wife needs to connect emotionally with you or she won't want sex with you. It won't feel good for her. And she won't be interested.
Men you must learn to engage emotionally with your loved ones. It's challenging but you need to learn to do it.
My husband is like the caller except he’s not self-aware. This was refreshing to listen to because the caller took the initiative to talk about this with someone and recognize it as a problem. That’s big.
This situation is exactly why I quit wanting to be intimate with my ex husband. And the more I withheld, the angrier he would get. It was a vicious cycle that eventually ended my marriage. Not sure how he's doing these days, but I learned a lot and have done much better in the relationships that followed.
People have needs in relationships and a partner whose policy is if you don’t do what I want then I won’t do what you want is just plain childish and not surprising that it ends in divorce.
This guy had better start behaving and let go of his pride or else he will be an ex soon. Yuu. 😒😪
@@quonsetthehutt3105 I don't think it's always that transactional. Sometimes, disconnection breeds more disconnection. I think it's unconscious for a lot of couples.
@quonsetthehutt3105 I keep saying that too. Anyone who has held a marriage down for a considerable time knows that once sex is taken away, it only gets worse. The wife could just as easily jump start the intimacy with sex. They are married after all.
why not speak to friends ?men arent wired like women
This is a great husband. To actually think about all this in the first place.
@meow0meow7 you’re a terrible husband for having such high standards
"I Get Annoyed By My Wife's Feelings..." yeah, great husband.
@@pattyajones It's the fact that he's taking accountability and trying to fix the issue. That's what make him great, by trying to work on it.
I wouldn’t go that far
Low standards for men
Hmmm...since he's a self-proclaimed perfectionist, him being annoyed is most likely due to feelings of inadequacy...feels like nothing he does is good enough
Ya shame. But the poor wife has suffered and I am sure she probably thinks something is wrong with her.....she deserves a huge apology. I swear she is going to weep. 😪
Perhaps it’s how she goes about telling him he did something not to her liking it’s all in the context of the words just a thought
@@gomo8523 are you from South Africa?
@@BHauck-os9sy that's just not true. Perfectionists have actual standards so if he does that then he will be fine.
Perfectionists tend to impose their way of doing things on those around them; it’s narcissistic. People who want to live like this shouldn’t be married. Or make it clear to your prospective partner that you’re Type A and make sure that person is as well
My poor husband deals with this too. I actually think he’s remarkably self aware to recognize that it needs to change.
the real question is.. do you satisfy his sexual needs as well? cuz thats most likely the problem imma be honest....
There's hope for this guy. Big kudos for admitting his weakness. God's grace be with him.
He gets angry and takes it out on her. He’s an egotistical narcissistic man. He is also an emotional abuser and it has to stop.
I pledge allegiance to the girlies who would take these guys off the market 😂
He is an angry guy. Working on that type of personality changes takes a lot of work and takes time.
Dont think it take 1 day.
He needs anger management. He is a controlling person. A perfectionist.
He doesnt even want to listen when she tells her problems about something else.
Using sex, to be ANGRIER!
That is a high conflict personality who needs a therapist for anger management.
You dont know how an angry man blows up in a house. They are scary. What does the wife feel everytime he bursts on anger?
Many years ago, maybe 20 years, I asked my husband to please put his lunch box in the kitchen sink after he gets home from work.
He threw a fit and said I don't need to make him lunch anymore. So I stopped.
Married 1994
I moved out in 2021
Divorced him 2022.....🌈✨
It’s hard though, leaving the person you’ve been with for 18 years who knows you better than anyone else.
(I’m still with mine and I’ve been hiding in my room all day away from him because he lashed out when I was drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and was hanging out in the kitchen trying to connect with him but apparently this pissed him off today that I was bothering him while he was cooking. Tried talking to him about it later but it just made me sadder because he said he doesn’t know what he wants and he can’t give me any rules to abide by because sometimes he likes it when I share with him and sometimes it makes him angry.
And I wasn’t talking about anything political, I was just telling him about this documentary I watched on the history of embroidery.
One reaches a point of no return and you find the strength to leave. It all happens when staying becomes too uncomfortable, unbearable. When you're scared inside. Empty for that person. No one can tell you when it's time, you'll know. I could have another 30 years to live and I'd rather do it alone in peace 🌸🌸🌸🌈🌈🌈✨✨✨
@@Cutest1TheGame The message I just sent was meant for you. I hope everything works out. Do whatever feels best for you. Trust your gut, trust your female intuition🙏🌸💐
He sounds like he's immature and selfish.He's emotionally immature.I know a person like him.
Honestly, even as a woman, I find myself lashing out to family first. Sadly, it's easy to get angry with those you're around all the time. Definitely takes self-control to listen to someone even when you aren't interested and "don't feel like it". Keep up the good work, John!
Matt, get your ego out of the way and humble yourself to your wife. Lift her up, listens to those concerns she brings to you in trust, honor her and make her feel safe with anything she brings to you. In return, once you have proven yourself to her and regained her intimate trust she will open up and be able to trust you with the intimacy you crave.
JayRock E this is spot on.
What I’m currently going through thank you this will help so many men
Uhm yes she will be all over!!
Well said Mr. Jay Rock🤗
Why can't she do the same?. Two way street. The wife nor the husband should be held over the other like they are a prize to be won.
Atta boy Matt. I had to learn to shut up at let her vent. And also ask if there’s anything else deeper that’s bothering her or that I can help with. I can’t speak on behalf of all women but in my experience they’re driven more by human emotion which is beautiful in a way if you can be there when she needs you. Protect her.
U sound very ignorant and inexperienced to judge all women that way...can all men be judged to be the same?? Of course not. Id be wary of those who are trying to brainwash u to lump all women under one generalization
@@wanefelicia8779 read slower. I didn’t Wayne Felicia
Ohhh you used to hang around Smokey and praise's chats.. I was like "wait where do I recognize this guy from" lol.
@@marytitus2874 hey Mary! Nice to see you
Yes yes yes! You described it perfectly! Im gonna vent here 😂. As a woman myself, we just want someone who listens to us. If you keep getting mad at us for expressing our feelings, one day we eventually stop communicating and coming to you. It just happens. But then y'all wonder 'why she doesn't come to me anymore?' Of course we want it to be our man! It is our way of connecting and working through emotions. If we are venting to you, it's because we feel safe with you. Men, take that as a compliment! We want to feel safe and protected with you
I would like to applauded this man for realizing his faults, and seeking help! You are a great man! Keep up the good work!
Absolutely 😊🇦🇺
Kudos to YOU for being able to identify what the problem is and admitting it. You’re going to continue to make a great partner to her. Keep pushing for self improvement. Best of luck to you both.
People in the comments sure are harsh on this guy, but he *is not* trying to blame his wife for his feelings and acknowledges that he is fully responsible for how he feels.
agreed !
Ikr, like he actually recognizes that his behavior is bad and wants to fix it
He's a child. Would love to find out if he actually GREW UP after this call.
@@pattyajones he 100% change after this call. He realize he need to improve. In my opinion he allot better than you
The more I listen to this channel, the less I want to date. Lol
Narcissists rage when you tell them your feelings. They perceive your feelings as criticism. He has NPD. It's good he's trying to get help but chances of him actually getting better are slim to none.
You can't diagnose someone with NPD because they're short and get angry about feelings. There's so much more to it than that. There's 9 criteria for NPD and 5 must be met for a diagnosis. While I have absolutely pinned a couple of John's callers as having a narcissistic personality, this man doesn't give any indications of that. He's just being an ass, he knows he's being an ass, and he's trying to do something about it. This man is taking accountability and looking for resolution -- two things those with a narcissistic personality are not likely to do.
@MyPetIsaNazgul Disagree. He was hoping a man would agree with his attempt to coerce his wife into giving him sex, while being abusive to her no matter how he dismisses her, gets angry or yells at her or refuses her own person hood or humanity He feels entitled, as far too many men do. Sickening, really. I imagine he is selfish in bed too. He played enlightened cause he isnt. He is manipulative and abusive. He just wants a female human hole with no humanity to give it to him.
anger shows "you care about something" is one of the most realest lines i ever heard frrr....
Him being an insensitive jerk isn't going to put her in the mood lol wow
I have felt this so often lately from my partner. My feelings are a weakness in our relationship. It makes me so sad.
the real question is.. do you satisfy his sexual needs as well? cuz thats most likely the problem imma be honest....
Well, my father was sometimes a little like this. But then I saw how he listened to my mother’s problems at work half of the night in bed. He lost sleep through this but he still listened. He was often frustrated when she repeated it more often because he always said: „I already told you what to do. Why don’t you do it?“
Nevertheless he listened and she talked. Now they are married for nearly 50 years. And what they still do: taking a nap together in the afternoon and looking each other deep in the eyes when they go to sleep while holding their hands. They really care for each other.
My mother in return always made sure he gets something to eat as soon as he comes home as she know that he is easily getting angry when he’s hungry. And: no matter what he gets, even the simplest dishes, he always cherished it.
So besides their failures they cherish the simple things.
Once they told me in a choir: you cannot expect anything from your partner! You will never get it. But you get things you never thought you would and that is so beautiful! Always a surprise.
These types of people are draining, they are constantly negative and emotionally immature. Hanging out with them is like never leaving high school.
Junior High..
He is trying to break her not understand her. She will break or leave. I hope she leaves before she breaks.
If someone was constantly criticizing me, I would get upset too.
But he admitted that 90% of the things his wife says about him is correct!
@@jayden4606 right? But he must admit it to her. That's important!
jayden4606 compliments, encouragement and affirmation build equity in a relationship. They add to a relational “bank account”. Criticism or correction even if it’s warranted, make withdrawals. If critique is the majority of what he hears from his wife, even if it’s legit criticism (but really, is there a RIGHT way to do the dishes?), it erodes the desire for connection and empathy. I would bet there’s reform needed for both partners on this one not just him. He is not seeing that connection. Maybe it has something to do with the fact he’s from Louisville 😄
Constant criticism,fault finding or nit picking can eat at a person's confidence.Nothing wrong with LOVING constructive criticism.
@@Accune you are a very weak child.
I have learned not to talk to my husband about anything. Because he gets annoyed too. So I have given up. If there is something that is bothering me I just keep it ti myself.
Props to this guy for being honest about this all and trying his best! He seems to be able to articulate his feelings quite well. I have a good feeling for him and his wife. Good luck!
Omg hand clap for John!! I have been to several marriage conferences where the counselors just totally miss the "but is your spouse right??" Part and just look at the person bring up the problem and say "well did you say it nicely? Maybe you picked a bad time? Or don't say anything next time because then they don't want to work with you". It totally sucks to have someone point out your mistakes but to make a marriage work you have to work together.
I've had some experience with this myself, but in the context of dating someone with BPD. I remember being extraorinarily patient with her VERY frequent emotional dysregulation early on, but it gets to be pretty frustratimg after years of the exact same problems coming up or outright unbelivable complaints (about me or anything you can imagine). I'm not a very excitable person and really don't find myself lamenting much about anything, so dealing with someone who complains or has some kind of emotional response to nearly everything gets to be infuriating eventually. And the attendant lack of intimacy follows because she feels like she can't tell me things. Then comes the betrayal. Although this occurred with someone with severe emotional problems, I think it's an extreme example of what can easily occur in more typical relationships.
Well don’t EVER call yourself or anyone else an idiot. Treat yourself kindly and you will have less anger.
Yes!
Thank you for the male perspective.... "taught how to win, to compete, and being a boy meant being over not with". This makes so much sense, the behaviour of men I have known exhibits this mentality and becomes a destructive force in intimate relations.
This man is a genius. I wish more men thought and communicated like him!
I love your show! I am divorced after 14 years of abusive relationship. I cannot begin to tell you how, what you said about the way man should be raised to become good man . thank you for saying that out loud!
By any chance did he have a controlling and abusive childhood?
Was he abusive in year 1 or year 14?
@@Don-hc4gk most of Times it will start in the 10th year after barring his tribe depending on how old one is. It’s called hooking and latching. Once effectively done the original face appears
A narcissist doesn't care about your feelings. This was my late husband.
Hi my late husband was like to it was hard to live with
Bold of Dr. John to assume this guy does any dishes.
I would be very surprised if a guy like that does anything in the household.
Why is this call my life. For those saying “Maybe the wife didn’t approach him correctly”, it has nothing to do with what the wife says or how she says it. When you have an angry husband, there is nothing you can say or any way to say anything that doesn’t make them angry. And usually the wife takes a long time to think about even saying anything because she knows what she has to deal with if she says anything that isn’t just praise and atta boy.
Yep. This was me. I would spend hours, if not days, trying to find the perfect combination of words to gently explain to my ex why something he had said/done was hurtful or disrespectful or harmful to me. It never worked. There was never a right way or time to say it. He couldn’t handle criticism.
That's not true actually.. you are projecting your situation. If I'm stressed I don't have the energy for that stuff. You can't just vent whenever you like, he has feelings too. There is a stereotype that men don't share their feelings and so we get to listen to your stuff but you don't listen to ours.. that's not balanced.
@N This is not about Sheila. It's about the frustrated husband and his wife. I believe her when she says that she tries but having been in a relationship where communication wasn't working I know it can be tough. In this case we don't even know how his wife approaches him. I understand that you got triggered.. and I forgive you for shouting at me. But these situations always have two people in it.. and it's not just the man's fault or the woman's if you like.
@N You started attacking me when I did nothing to you.. and still I tried to explain calmly.. well anyways.. I've had enough of these conversations to know they lead absolutely nowhere.
@@hgzmatt
It’s an assumption that we didn’t
listen to our men’s stuff and it’s not true. I was always open to listening. But actually, sometimes people don’t talk about what’s really bothering them and instead they wind up snapping at you over every little thing, leaving you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
I was always open to listening - I just wasn’t open to being told hurtful/disrespectful things just because there was something else bothering him that he couldn’t verbalize. So I’d spend forever trying to figure out how to tell him he had been hurtful/disrespectful to me and it only made him angrier.
I really don’t care what’s going on in someone’s life. People are allowed to vent TO me, not AT me. I’m no ones emotional punching bag.
He sounds almost funny and the same thing happen to me. Only diference is that it was to late for me to try to fix it. She left me and now im 1.000 miles away from my baby that i love, He have 3,5 years old and my Heart is broken. If you read this and is not too late for u i wish u luck and try Hard becouse is worth it.
John D: You have talent in listening and answering these questions. I look forward to seeing/hearing more of your shows. Wise words.
I wish Dr. John had asked if he loves her.
That’s a rhetorical question.
Thank you for asking the question we all wanted to ask
Anytime somebody calls regarding a relationship the other person needs to be on the call as well always 2 sides to every story
I feel like he was pretty fair. Sometimes hard conversations are just for you.
Oh I so agree with this. Everyone is usually bashing one side, but relationships are TWO people.
I don’t agree. Sometimes you won’t be honest if your spouse is around. Not with them, or yourself.
But in this case he admitted he was more of the one with the issue. If he was blaming her without her being able to defend herself, I could see why you would say,
That’s an awesome call Dr. John 🥰😄
Mismatch of love languages. She wants quality time, he wants physical touch. He does acts of service and she gives him lip service.
If your wife or girlfriend comes to you to tell you how they feel regarding someone that has nothing to do with you, they're very likely looking for someone to listen and give them emotional support. If they come to you with a problem regarding you... you don't always have to agree, but you need to treat them with respect. Communication is key to any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise
I did this with my ex. I asked him what he needed from me and what I could do to help. We talked it out because he needed this for him to feel and act this way. Okay, let’s try. 3 months later I was still confused and not happy so✌🏻 it’s a 2 way street, he really couldn’t say what he needed 🤷🏻♀️
Lol
This is LITERALLY how I feel.
I was ganna call but this is exactly where I'm at.
Thank you so much for your content and for the Dave Ramsey team!
Props to this guy for his self awareness and taking initiative.
You are a refreshing counselor! Thank you for sharing your ideas and skills with all of us!
My consultant said anger is a sign of lack of self esteem.
I think I agree with that...
This hits me right in my heart. I have been treated this way and have been the one to treat someone else this way.
This is actually great! I also believe I’m a perfectionist and get frustrated w myself, but ultimately redirect that anger. I appreciate his an analogy about anger being something your patient about.
When you're around someone for that long, it's normal to start getting annoyed by little things. Your patience just slowly gets eroded away over the years and next thing you know you're flipping out about someone putting the forks upside down in the dishwasher.
If your mairrage is unhealthy, then yes, you would be correct.
I take it you've never lived with a roommate or else you'd know that it happens regardless of your relationship with them. It's literally impossible to live with someone and not be annoyed at certain things they do.
@@luminous6969 sorry, lived at home for 22 years not annoyed. Lived with my husband 10 years, not annoyed just to be annoyed. My dad 33 years or 34 and my mom, didn't grow up with people getting annoyed just to get annoyed or because you live with someone. We're not all the same, some people are just intolerant.
Oof, I’m ahead of the curve because that fork thing annoys me on the first offense.
Still doesn’t make it ok.
He sounds like he probably had very critical parents that caused him to become a perfectionist and a fixer. Possibly could have even had a parent that put him in a parental role as a child, and was emotionally dependant on him. So when his wife vents to him about people it causes him stress even though she doesn't want him to fix it. He is likely misplacing resentment he had for his parent onto his wife subconsciously. He acknowledges his behaviour is selfish and feels guilty, which shows he's not truly selfish, he is experiencing a stress response and wants to avoid it. It's a defence mechanism.
Yeah he is emotionally stunted and repressed.
My husband says that love is a choice not feeling. I guess I missed something with regards to love. He too doesn't like for me to get too "deep". We live like roommates rather than a married couple. He does not get angry as much as frustrated. As long as I keep things light it's great.
Ugh. THIS is why marriage is NOT for everyone.
I can’t see anybody being worth the time it takes to see another human thru their deeply rooted issues.
I hope his wife has the patience to see this thru. But I have lived thru this and breaking free from a person who is internally disgusting and takes it out on everyone around them, was the GREATEST decision I ever made for my life.
Hope he gets it together before she can wisen up.
I agree marriage isn't for everyone. Me personally it would take someone truly special to listen to them vent all the time. most marriage are situational. "ill marry you because you're the best option right now and marriage ticks a box off my bucket list. "
@@jordananthony6432 yep! I agree. This mindset seems to not be so bad. My son is 17 years old and in brief discussions, he blatantly admits to not having any interest in marrying for love. He wants to know the pay off.
It’s an interesting time for human relationships in general.
I wish I saw this video when I met my spouse in 2015. I had this problem and didn't even realize it, but when I saw the title I was like "huh that's a strange thing to feel, but I feel that way about my spouse when she shares her feelings!". John hit the nail on the head exactly, I was frustrated with her in the "figure 8" he described between us being frustrated with each other leading to no intimacy causing more frustration causing no intimacy.
Woow I commend you sir for realizing you have a problem and trying to get help . Bravo 👏🏾
Wow that’s great what you said about anger.
Just putting this out there. Wife also needs to take responsibility for her side of things. She needs to manage her own friendships and not dump all her feelings on her husband. She needs to speak appreciatively and respectfully to her husband. She also needs to understand husband does things differently than her, and things don’t need to go strictly by her standards.
Great point that people usually don’t talk about.
Agreed! People should check out Esther Perel. She’s talks about how your partner can’t be EVERYTHING. We need other people. I often share my negative thoughts with my sister mostly bc i know my man cannot handle all of that. I also try to work on my negativity.
This is not the case here. A husband can be a friend and spouses should be friends and some people want a transparent relationship and open one with their spouse so their spouse knows everything about their life and relationships. As for respectfully, who says she didn't?? There are some people no matter how respectful you are don't know how to take corrections.
And the way she wants to be treated should be her way and the way he wants to be treated the same.
Fair
Thanks a lot man. I’m in the same boat.
Yeah it’s great he is self aware and wanting to change…the main issue is when one person just wants to constantly be right. Hope it all works out for you both.
Great advice and I think that once he connects with her again and be supportive and understanding, I think his wife will come around too to connect with him and they both will get what they want in a relationship! Yes, half of not the most important task in counseling is going cuz some people don’t go and make effort. But the fact that Matt is going to marriage counseling and called in- he is a great guy who needs to adjust his emotions and deflect in a good way and I am hopeful that he will make it work!
Feedback was spot on Dr. D!! Spot on.
The man who is annoyed by his wife’s feelings , his wife should be annoyed by his sexual feelings as well. How would he like that? He would not .He’s angry when she’s 90% correct? This guy sounds like a narcissist. Anyone who takes their anger out on their spouse is emotionally abusive. Men who can’t be corrected are egotistical and narcissistic. It upsets him because he is selfish and self absorbed. This guys sounds like a man to run away from, run! Get away fast! No wonder she doesn’t want to have sex!!!!
Sex with a man like this is VERY unsatisfying to say the least. You will NEVER orgasm. He will be so impatient with you, you’ll say never mind. Lol
I'm so glad that Dr John didnt even give this guy the opportunity to make excuses.
I think he handled this flawlessly
Women tend to talk about their complaints just to vent and any attempt to offer a solution is rejected or ignored? It is their way of socializing among other women. When this tactic is used with male SO’s the men offer solutions and go onto different topics. This bugs women in general. I tend to be a problem solver which is rare among most women and I get impatient with my female friends who can’t resolve their issues but endlessly have repeated bouts of the same problems. I just want them to tackle their issues and go to another subject.
I'm the same way as a woman. I hate complaining. Occasional venting is one thing, but complaining about your problems everyday and not letting anyone try to fix them is annoying. Marriage is always worth fighting for though. I hope they can work it out!
Same. I can't stand it. I'll listen for a minute but once it starts to get repetitive I'm out because nothing is being changed.
More generalizations on women gee dont u sound smart
I wonder if his wife knows he feels like this towards her
I'm dating my own version of this guy - and I know it. She probably knows what she is dealing with as well.
I bet intuitively she knows and that’s why she isn’t having sex with him as much as he would like.
This is the one I am so glad he addressed. Hit home.
I like going into the comments and seeing how many therapists there are!
I really hope that was just an example and nobody's spouse gets on them about loading the dishwasher correctly.
I was just thinking the same thing!! Who freaking cares??!!
Actually I had conflits with my ex bf because he refused to remove food chunks from plates, and I got tired of finding them in my coffee the next day.
Fact that he called, shows he loves her and wants to be better.
What I like about this program.....Dr John questions people in such a way, that the caller exposes (gets to) what the issue is (bears truth) and WE ALL learn from this..... This caller admits he is doing things wrong ..so, THANK you for that learning for yourself and all of us.😊🇦🇺
I'm a huge fan of John but I think he missed this one. He isn't selfish, he's resentful. Resentment builds up quickly and becomes destructive when ignored.
Why do you think he's resentful?
100% and the way he fixes this is the opposite of what his advice was. He needs to work out at the gym, help around the house because that is what an adult does, get some new clothes, get a new hobby, start 100% caring about himself first. If she leaves that is fine, if she stays that is cool too. Be nice and hang out but don't make your life centered around her. Soon she is going to be all over you.
💯 When you miscommunicate and/or don't get your needs met by your partner after so long...resentment takes root. And, resentment turns you into an ass. I'm sure it's occurring on her end as well.
I love listening to this show!!!!!!!
Adopting fair fighting rules versus ineffective fighting tactics takes some time to learn and practice! If you come to your partner with a softer, open heart, they will respond much better… it’s not always instant. I love how John handled this 😊
wow this is gold
Omg is this my husband 😂
Same lol
I give him props for calling. But woah... imagine how many guys can't admit this at all
People who are asking questions are the ones who want to fix things
Saying things outloud can be the start to healing. As scary as it is.
Wow too real this advice was too real
Good job John!
There's a Loo-ess-ville in Colorado. That's how we say it and know your not from CO if you say it the southern way.
I relate to this guy tho. I was working with a counselor and kind of determined that the reason I get angry when she confronts me or angry when she tells me about her problems with others is that it stems from a place of feeling inadequate. As a man we deal with feelings of inadequacy and feelings of helplessness since we can't fix it, with anger to mask it.
Good insight. Why not do that sexy thing and say come over here. A hug makes a difference. Hold hands and go for a walk. That caring time commitment with conversation is the relationship. When women feel verbal and emotional connection through conversation we want the physical connection. The level of desire to please her in conversation will instill the same level of desire in her to please you. But not if you feel you just have to fake it. Cuz then she might not be as into it either.
We don't know how the wife is approaching him. If she has a problem with him, she should definitely talk to him about it. But if her approach is a bit brusque then maybe she needs to adjust her approach a little. But, I agree that he needs to check himself too.
Good catch
What john is talking about when he tells you to take a moment to stop yourself to be aware of your emotions and of hers. That's called mindfulness. It's a very good skill to practice and to not be a slave to your emotions.