A rut is a small hill to climb, this sounds like years of her feeling like she's not enough because he makes sure she knows what she's doing "wrong". He can't even give a reason on how he brings her joy. If my husband of 23yrs and I were in a rut and someone asked me that I would either be able to name something that I do for him or a light would go off and I would think I need to start doing xyz again and I know the same would go for him. We've been in rut, we've gone thru major things, but it has brought us together in the end not further apart. And never once have one of us left for any period of time. That would never make anyone feel secure. And we still need to work at it, as life and relationships are ever evolving.
Honestly the "dead silence" probably IS what brings her joy. He spends too much energy talking her down and making her "accountable for responsibilities" because he doesn't see the "work and commitment". Not hearing him talk her down would definitely bring a sense of joy.
He pushes her ? He tries to hold her accountable? She doesn't do what he says? He tries to "include" her in the conversation? And he wonders why his wife is checked out of the marriage? John said it, get humble and ask her, "how can I bring you joy?"
@@michellesimmons3150 absolutely, they want to hear yes sir and be saluted, Arrogant abusers, and known cheaters,. I guarentee he married her to tend in servitude to his kids by the other women.
Yelling and screaming at your wife, telling her she's not keeping up with the house, kids, routine. Sounds like a dream. I wonder why she's checked out?
You must not have listened to the whole video. Still yet, it’s his word we have to take with a grain of salt. But he claims that before it got to this point he treated her differently and nothing ever changed, so it got to the point where he’s treating her like another child.
@@kellharris2491 it’s a choice to be a stay at home parent? And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But Don’t say someone is financially abusing someone because the other person doesn’t go get a job
Absolutely. Dave always talks about the wife suddenly being “done” and nothing can bring her back after years of suffering and giving chances and hoping for behaviour change. A really sad situation but it’s likely too little too late
@@CrystalM1917 If he separated their finances she may be terrified to have him leave her in poverty with kids. And his constant harassment about chores has destroyed her self confidence. She may no longer have the courage to leave. Been there, done that, recovered. He had me convinced that every single problem in the marriage was my fault.
Add in the fact that she was home with three children all day, every day, during COVID. For the past year, she’s been dealing with home-schooling where the Zoom lessons end. Add in the daily chores she does (including HIS list of expected top of the list chores). I didn’t hear him say that he’s taken on additional household chores so that she can make sure the kids’ school work is finished. I didn’t hear him say he loves her, he adores her, he will do anything to hold onto the relationship and keep it whole. A woman needs to feel loved, cherished, beautiful, and most of all, she needs to feel that she wants to be a better version of herself for her partner and children. She’s giving up. Heck, 3 kids at home 24-7, COVID isolation, and a husband who measures her worth based on completed assigned chores, cooking, and handling money would be enough to drive me into depression. I feel sorry for both of them. They are arguing but don’t know how to solve their soul-crushing issues.
Don’t “help” her by telling her what to do or pointing out what’s wrong . Actually help her . See the need and meet it . Your wife doesn’t need “tough love.”
Hey doctor D if this woman wants to stay with this idiot then clearly she likes what's going on now I'm a black woman is far as I'm concerned slavery was abolished in 1865 she needs to go move get rid of his loser I get ourself a hero because clearly he does not job Description😂sincerely the Diva07111
Maybe marriage & relationships are not for him, He should think about being single or be in a relationship, not get married & not have her move in with you
Wives check out when they don't feel safe and important and aren't being listened to by their husband. She needs regular breaks and may be overwhelmed or depressed. Moms are often ignored and overlooked. You need to be a part of teaching your kids too and back her up!!!
I've told men a few times... even my brother: when a woman doesn't say anything, it's because she feels she's reached the end. She may have even stopped caring. We try and explain, show, ask, discuss, even at risk of it being taken as nagging, because we care. And then one day we're done and that's it. Men believe they won when a woman is "finally" silent. Wrong -means she is, as he says, checked out.
They got married bc she was pregnant not bc they were in love. Now it's 11 years later and the kids are getting older and it's just becoming more and more apparent.
Love is a bit overrated really. Many people who married because they fell in love also divorced later because they said they no longer loved each other. As a Muslim woman I agree with the above comment to stay away from fornicating because it’s against my religious beliefs as well. But I don’t think he did anything wrong by wanting to fulfill a duty to give his unborn child a home and family. They made a mistake ok, but now they’re trying to make it right which is good. Commitment and sense of responsibility often goes a long way compared to just “love” which comes and goes. Plus if you want my take, this man does love his wife enough to make this call. I think if he starts easing up a bit and letting her do some things she enjoys they will have a happy marriage. They deserve it.
It’s normal to fall in and out of love in a longterm relationship.....the important thing is that BOTH make a conscious effort to make it work...marriage is daily work.
Crystal exactly! There has to be a foundation of love, and maybe it was never fully there in the first place. I’m all for marriage and commitment, but if both people are miserable and there’s no foundation of love that’s very difficult.
My husband treated me like his employee or some sort of a contractor, so I quit too. Provided I've been an awesome mom and a very frugal wife, stayed in great shape from day one and due to my minimalism and good admin skills we were able to save and gain assets. I hope he is happy now as his "useless wife" (his exact words) is gone. Cheers, ladies!
I'm sorry to hear that, you sounds like a catch in all honesty. I'm sure he's very aware of the void in his life that you used to occupy and bring fulfillment to.
@Heinrich Himmler she’s not bitter. She’s hurt and has a right to be. No one should be treated that way. It sounds she came out of an abusive situation with the whole “useless wife” remark. Men or women like that are never happy no matter what.
I think there isn't an ounce of compromise in this guy and his wife is just sick of not ever being able to live up to his unreasonably high standards. The fact that this is his THIRD wife speaks volumes.
Exactly. I’m living this now. I have a full time career and still expected to do every single thing. I’m not allowed to be exhausted, tired, take a break, want some time to myself, etc. every single day it’s something. Stress at work and stress at home.
I thought to myself "Huh, that's actually a good question 😳" I don't think many of us guys think about that sometimes. We just assume by being kind and nice to our wife/partner it's enough, but to bring joy to that person we love, I don't think most of us do enough.
He broke her Emotionally and mentally. Simple as that. She checked out because she probably feels like no matter what she does, it won’t ever meet his expectations. She won’t leave because she honors her marriage and family commitments. She just doesn’t know what to do.
Oh my those words sting because I have said just those exact words. She loves him, but gave up. What she wants from him, no what she needs from him, she will never get.
Imagine working a job without a paycheck. A job that seems almost invisible, because that’s what housework is. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs, helping kids with their homework. I’d be depressed, too. The kids won’t notice the work. No one says, “Good job, mom.” This husband may not appreciate her enough. She should leave him with the kids for 2 weeks while she goes on vacation. I wonder how he would like doing all the housework. I work and my husband does too. We share household chores, and even though it sucks, we get it done. Our relationship isn’t perfect but he appreciates me and I appreciate him. Having small kids is so hard, I get it. But don’t give up on your partner. Say thank you. Say “you’re doing great.” Say, “I see you work so hard and you deserve a break.” That goes a long way.
Not to mention it’s the most criticized job. I’m a stay at home mom and what I hate most is no matter what I do my life’s work is scrutinized by those I am around. When I’m at a restaurant, T-ball game, home, in-laws, church. Everyone feels it is their job to tell me how good or bad I do at my job. I don’t get to turn off and unwind from a crazy day. I don’t have something to fall back on and be successful at when my life at home isn’t perfect. That’s all I have. It’s so unfulfilling.
Being a good mother is certainly not valued in this society. The ironic part is that it costs a lot of money to replace the duties a stay at home mother normally does: like easily 6 digit figures per year.
Not every time. I married two assholes and then found a great guy. True enough that my choices were wrong. However, I was sure that a loving attitude on my part would relay to loving kindness growing on their parts. So, I thought love trumped all. Not true.
We live in a strange society, if we meet a single older adult who has never been married, we think there’s something wrong with them. Some dude that’s had two divorces, all good, let’s do a third lol
I’d never date or marry a partner who’s been divorced. Their Ex-partners must be deceased for me to take a chance on them. Past marital or relationship history is an indication of personal failure.
admittedly cheated in at least one....probably was controlling in them, and now he is a bully, manipulator and control freak to this poor woman. I bet she cant get a job because he wont allow it or blocks her attempts
This woman sounds like me... she’s depressed and doesn’t feel appreciated or full-filled by the daily tasks of a stay at home mom. She needs encouragement and appreciation
With remote learning, you could probably learn a work from home skill and get a degree. Coding, Technical recruiting (highly recommend especially for women who wouldn't want to become engineers) , call center, etc.
She sounds depressed. Is it possible she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore? A part time/full time job, especially since all the kids are in school, might give her satisfaction. Combined with marriage and individual counseling.
@Heinrich Himmler I disagree. If all she wanted was money and kids she would’ve left a long time ago. She must be holding on to some hope. And why do you assume every woman is married for the money?
You are extremely negative and you need to go seek therapy for those issues. Not every woman is like that and there are plenty of good woman out there. It sounds like you have been hurt in the past.
He sounds more like a manager than a husband, 3 kids you can clean up the house 20 min later it’s a disaster again this dude should stay home and she should go to work 🤷🏻♀️
He is super defensive. You can hear it. Asking what her goals are instead of "what dreams do you have that I can share with you", "how can I make your life better". It's not hard, men! You are right. I'm a stay-at-home to a 2 and 4 year old. I work part time a few days a month and my husband GETS IT as I work 14 hr shifts. I'm just thankful the kids are fed, clean, and happy. He has never asked me why isn't the house clean, a hot meal cooked, etc. going back to work part time was the best thing for us. But, he never asked me those things before I went back to work or even before kids. But, at least he gets it now that we have kids.
Marriage is like a date that never ends!!! On a date you are the best you can be! When my ex-marine and I reconciled in our long marriage I discovered a man who wanted to reconcile and he changed for the better! Dr.John is correct in saying that people can willingly change! Individual counseling and marriage counseling was necessary! And with God all things are possible!😅
I've known a lot of military men, and I noticed whenever a group of them were together, the conversation would often turn to viciously complaining about their wives (and disparaging women in general), yet they were SUPER eager to get married and many of them had gotten married within weeks of meeting the woman. Maybe it was some sort of status symbol, especially since it allowed young recruits to live off base and get a much bigger paycheck, but many of the older ones had been married three or four times. I mean, chanting "Napalm, it sticks to kids...women and invalids" during PT while also loving a wife does not compute.
it is all about image, as they climb rank they looks at spouses....my husband was in 30 years active. A good spouse will help your image and career....even if things at home are toxic, as long as she shows up being the super spouse, volunteering and showing up at events like a team with the soldier...it builds his chances at climbing ranks above others. A bad spouse can ruin your career...they all know it. My marriage is so toxic, I never seen how bad it was until after he retired but we are barely holding on now.
@@michellesimmons3150you have been a good soldier too. But you can stand down now. It’s your turn to be you, not someone’s shadow where it’s so cold. You’re the real 5⭐️.
When he tells the story about why he married her he makes it sound like he was obligated because of the circimstances. He resents being with her and she can sense that.
I agree with you, however it’s probably not one-sided. She may resent him as well. And maybe the bigger problem is they weren’t compatible in the first place.
He could have avoided all of this by being responsible with his sperm and only allowing it into a woman if he intended to have a child. I am guessing he felt entitled to climaxing inside of her
His answer to what you do to bring her joy... acknowledges when SHE cooks dinner, when SHE dresses up... they are things SHE is doing! Saying thank you does not count!
I've always been expected to do everything even while working full-time. The final straw was when we both walked in from work, within minutes of each other, and I started dressing to go snowblow the 8 -12" of snow so I could get my car into the driveway because it was obvious he wasn't going to. Just as I'm ready to walk out the door, he asked me what's for dinner?! GAME OVER! 🤡 I know there are good men out there but I'm tired of 'weeding them out'. I LOVE being single and doing whatever the hell I want, when I want! 😁 I'm only hearing one side here but I can just imagine what she's going through.
Not everyone is like you ex. Me for example did everything for her. I was normal famuly guy. Loving her, respected her, not beeing abusive in any way. But she just could not handle the fact that here and there evey couple have problems and not for everything is ones fault. So after 15 years she says we do t think the same way i want out.... Pfff
YES, I gave dating a try, got cheated on, treated like I was an object he owned once, cheated on a few more times, and went on some dates where it was obvious the guy was married or otherwise taken and I would be his "side dish". I gave up.... Happily single now for many years and enjoying my freedom!
Here is the question, did you try to work it out with him and organize and work together? If not you are as fault as he is. You know why u like being by yourself? Cause no responsibility only to yourself. When you are married you work for the family NOT just yourself. Eventually you will feel lonely cause we are human we need human touch and that partner that feels that emptiness
A housewife housemom is one of thee hardest thankless unacknowledged job in the world! Its psychologically exhausting. Be her support, be her partner, love her and let her know she is beautiful and her job is meaningful.
That only true if she actually doing the job. He said she not keeping up with the house so the house is duty and he said she not keeping up with the kids. So what on earth is she doing?
Avoidance at dinner time and not being responsible/accountable is a clear indicator that she’s sick and tired of everything. Sadly, I hear about this from a lot of stay at home mums. I went through this myself and had to find ways on my own to get help.
This clip hits so close to home. It's like everything that Dr Delony identified in the way that Marine speaks to and treats his wife it's the same exact statements that both family and friends have pointed out with my own Navy husband. I think a lot of military spouses particularly husbands tend to bring the work mindset home... And it can be a very hard pill for them to swallow and to realize that it is poison and toxic to a family unit and a marriage
He’s doesn’t have answers for the simple questions john asked. After 11 years of being together, you don’t know what brings her joy? You don’t know why she’s checked out? Have you asked? She’s probably checked out because he’s seems so surface level. She’s probably depressed.
@@monkas7270 he’s been married 3 times. He can’t keep divorcing every time things get tough. If he divorces her over this then he should remain single. He plays a role in this too. You would Think after 11 years of being married to the same woman he would have a better idea of why she checked out and if he played a role in this. Dude is clueless
@@NT-bz5nh he's been with her 11 years and he has no clue sounds like it's her. She can't say what's wrong or give any hints. Goes both ways only difference is the man is always blamed and never 50 50
@@NT-bz5nh why does he have to do everything? when he got married, he was probably expecting a partner or wife, not another kid he has to take care of. it’ll be good for him to end the marriage so that they can both move on
@@monkas7270 when did I say he has to do everything? I never said I blame Him for the issues in their marriage. I’m blaming him for his lack of awareness.
So many happy functional marriages I know of do weekly or bi monthly date nights. Or plan a family or couples only vacation. You have to have fun sometimes. Give your wife a reason to get dolled up if she liked that kind of thing
Usually I side with the guys on marriage issues, but I know exactly what it is going on here. The military beats into men high expectations. I bet when she had her first child, she tried to do everything perfect and he came home and pointed out everything he didn't like. He demoralized her to the point she checked out and when that happened not only did he threaten to leave, but actually did. She has NO stability with her marriage. She already knows he's twice divorced so he definitely will leave if everything isn't perfect. With him being in the military, I KNOW he has too high of expectations of her with three children. She knows nothing she does will ever be good enough so she has stopped trying. How he fixes this is when he walks in the door every night, he points out something she has done that he appreciates. Ask her what HE can do to help. I understand he works all day, I really get it, but teamwork makes the dream work.
I love how he put this. Us checked out women will live bitter and in pain waiting....for something that will never happen. How do you bring her joy fml...that silence was so loud.
Just a thought.... husband may not want his wife to get a job outside the home. He sounds like he wants to just go to work and have his wife do ALL the household jobs. Been there, done that!
This sounds like my marriage except the “pushing” my husband did was “spiritual” and church-related. I have been a stay at home Mom who homeschools for a decade at this point. I am currently divorcing my husband. You can only endure so much punishment, so little joy, so little appreciation and warmth. It would have killed me to stay.
Then... HELP her!! Of course it's a challenge for her. She is doing everything it sounds like. I'm a stay-at-home and I couldn't do it without my husband. We are a TEAM. He asks "how can I help you" when he gets home instead of saying "why isn't the laundry done". But, in turn, I give him days and say, "just rest, I got this" or "thank you, I couldn't do this without you and I know you are tired too". But, he helps me and I help him. Communication. And, yessss, we have days like anyone else. We are human. But, TRY man. Try. Ask her how you can help her!
Dr. John you know what would be so cool? If you followed up with your callers 1 year later to see how they've utilized your great advice. Such great advice, I truly pray your callers are heeding it.
I was like this wife for a long time. It can still be a struggle but John gave great advice. I was overwhelmed with four young kids and a house and my husband thought I had it easy because he was the one who went to work every day. We are great now, and yes the young kids are still here lol. It’s possible... Communication is KEY. So is understanding that your partner has needs and wants just like you do. It wasn’t just about him realizing how overwhelmed and emotionally drained I was, it was also about me realizing I wasn’t doing anything to try to make him happy either.
If you go to your wife and say, you are more important than a clean house. You are more important than the laundry being done. You are more important than dinner being on the table at six. And then you ask her what can I do for you? I promise you your wife will check back in to the marriage! I think she needs to feel seen and understood. I like the advice Dr. John gave this man. And I can understand this man's frustration! But he's right, people don't respond well to pushing. People respond to genuine love and concern.
@Heinrich Himmler I had one. It was great! But he did exactly what this woman does. Not any helping out hardly at all. Needs to be a team, a partnership.
So no one wants a stay at home dad, but everyone complains about stay at home moms. Interesting. I am just glad that my husband values me as a person, an individual woman that he loves and we work not only on our relationship but on tasks together. Unless we are willing to empathize with or take the time to consider the perspective of our spouse, we aren't earning much respect nor being a contributing member of the relationship. Always consider each other and as long as both are seeking to uplift and improve then you are on a great track. Many times in my marriage it has been several months where I can't get to this or that chore due to a new baby or personal struggle, so my husband helps me and encourages me, asking how he can best support me. When he is struggling I take on more of his tasks and ask and work on how best to support him. We don't keep score, we just try to make sure we are both heard, seen and supported. Including asking for help when needed and giving counsel when called for.
@@rebekahcrook226 I've actually done this. I feel for the caller to an extent. My wife worked at a temp job for a couple of months while i took care of the house. The house was never cleaner, the kids were fed, and we had clean dishes. But she wants to be a stay at home mom, but doesn't like to do any of the stuff that that entails. When i go out to work, she goes out for adventures. It's gotten a little better. But it's still a sore subject with me.
@@wfTitus Thank you for the added perspective. I should pick words a little more carefully. Just makes me sad when all we see is the conflict and fault not solutions, ya know?
The hard part about these calls is that we don't get to hear the other side of the story. I imagine that it would be hard to counsel without knowing all of the information. People often have very different perspectives as to what's going on and why.
I agree. Dr John assumed the Mom is properly taking care of the kids. What if the husband is saying his wife is checked out to the point that he does is all? He said he praises her when she cooks or gets dressed. WHEN. This is either a depressed or lazy mom. It doesn’t sound like an overwhelmed one to me. Just because Dr John has kids that are in tons of activities doesn’t mean ever family does. Maybe this woman is checked out to the point that the kids are suffering too? Telling this man to fix himself isn’t going to make her engage with the kids more. I think the other counsellor had more time with the man, and had the bigger picture. We can’t say their advice was no good for sure. Dr John is clouded by his bias for women. I’m a stay at home mom and it is entirely possible to maintain the house if that’s your only job and your kids are school age. Let’s stop pretending it takes a superhero when it doesn’t.
Especially with him having left the home for 30 days 2-3 years ago. Would love to know more about that tie and what - if anything - they did to reconcile beyond him coming home
@@murderofcrows7738 wouldn't you still say WHEN if she cooked everyday? Also with the "when she get dressed", maybe he meant just more than "house clothes". Everyone in my house wears sweats unless we are going somewhere. It so hard to tell what she does or doesn't do, because he is pretty vague. He never stated the house is filthy or the children are being neglected. So I assume he is micromanaging her. Maybe dinner time is the only free time she has to manage life on her phone, like paying bills, making appointments, dealing with school things or shopping for home items.
Oh YIKES. The way he talks about his expectations for his wife is awful. He will only give her compliments when she gets dressed or cooks dinner? His love is conditional. She deserves so much better. This guy is awful, hopefully he matures and gets a good counselor.
@@waflletoast11 in what way was my comment defending her? Did you not see the “hear both sides” part of my comment?! Stop taking YOUR issues with women out on me. Clearly neither of us know these people
He doesn’t respect or value her as an individual. His whole reason for marrying her was just because she was pregnant. He didn’t say anything about how great she is or how much he loves/ed her. She’s just another woman shoved into the “wife slot” and that’s why she’s checked out.
He's in Jacksonville, North Carolina. I was born at the Marine base there when my parents were both stationed there. A lot of Marine men have marital issues like this. But he CAN learn how to be better. He's got to really look at himself though.
This really hit me hard. I was like this guy. My wife left. She is filing divorce. I wish I could have seen this a year ago. I’m going to keep fighting for my marriage as long as I can.
It's not wrong if your love language is acts of service. But the way you approach that needs to be very clear and gentle. And she needs to know EXACTLY what that means.
@@oshunenergy3884 I’m still standing. She is still working through the divorce process. It’s slower going which may be a good sign. I’m doing my best to work on myself and who I am going forward
I am curious to know if when she does do good things ,clean the house or try to work on stuff does he say "thank you", "good job","I love you" or "your so beautiful" or just make he feel like it's still not enough for him...?
I think there is a monotony of staying home that sucks for many women. It's hard to stay motivated in life doing the same things over and over again with no excitement, variability, or acknowledgement. It takes more energy to form and keep your identity with hobbies, friendships and individual pursuits when you don't have a consistent identity outside of your home so it's easier to fall into depression.
Great questions that caused the man to stop and think about the “why.” Accountability is good…if the other person is receptive. She is sick of being pushed like a child and has checked out. She sounds depressed and unfulfilled in her marriage and life in general. Should the house be kept up? Yes. Should she eat dinner with her family? Yes. But constant criticism won’t make her want to be better. She needs to feel loved and secure in the relationship. The caller can’t force her to change- he can only change himself. Find those things that bring her joy and do them. His efforts towards a day for her, acknowledgment of her achievements, counseling, etc. are a good start. I commend the husband for caring enough to try when she isn’t able to put forth the effort. That IS love. Great advice. Rely on God for your fulfillment, not your wife, and no matter what happens you will have peace and joy.
Guys like,' I'm the boss! I'm in charge! It's my way because I am the Man!' Two seconds later. 'Wait. Why I am I carrying it all by myself?'Why am I doing everything myself? Your spouse is not your employee. Your spouse is not your subordinate. If you need to keep someone beneath you to feel good about yourself, that just shows how small you actually are. Real leaders lift up their family. Make them stronger. Real leaders understand, 'He who is great amongst you. Let him be your servant.' Instead many say, 'I am the boss and my family must serve me instead.' He is even controlling all of the money.
I wish I could give the wife a hug and say, "From sister to sister, girl you are valued, you are loved and you are important. You are a strong woman and deserve the very best in life." That is probably more than she's heard from her own husband in years.
Man this is my life. 35 yrs married, 5 adult kids most 2yrs apart, own a business where I was kinda forced into being the bookkeeper. We argue over everything. We want to get counseling but who do we go to? I want us to go to the right therapist the first time going in
How are you now? Did you take action to make your life better? Find your own therapist to guide. you alone, if you get healthier, your dynamic will change! You deserve more and you are in charge of finding the help you need! Good luck!
If you wait to find the right therapist, you'll do nothing but wait. Step in and see if they have something useful for you, if not, try another one. I went through a few duds at first, it helps you to know what you want and don't want from a therapist, similar to dating different people - gives you better clarity on your preferences and dealbreakers.
Not really. I have seen many people have a successful marriage after a few times. Sometimes people just make mistakes when they’re young and don’t know any better. Not different from having many long term relationships then getting married. Clearly this was the longest marriage he had and he’s really trying to make it work.
@@SummeRain783 But statistically, the odds of a third marriage ending in divorce is even higher than the first two. Just cos you know people that haven't divorced yet doesn't mean the statistic doesn't exist.
Your wife checked out because of YOU! She’s sick of your BS. I have checked out of my marriage. I’ll tell you, we check out because we don’t feel loved, supported, or cared for. I checked out because my “husband” disrespects me, doesn’t support me, criticizes me and puts me down. I am only here still in the relationship because I love my kids. As a stay at home mom, we aren’t financially able to just pick up and leave. Thank god I have a job now and feel some form of independence.
He happened to get his 3rd wife pregnant and just decided to marry her and try to work it out. This is why the Bible states to flee fornication so we spend adequate time knowing someone without orgasms that clouds discernment, and then marrying and spending the rest of our life with our purpose-partner and not just someone we have fun with and have some things in common with. People having children with people with nothing but children binding them together, but no mission, no purpose beyond that is vain.
He's checked out too. Work as a team. Put in the work. Sounds like there is a lack of emotional intimacy. Take a break from the kids. Put your marriage first! If it means getting a sitter or having family look after them ....do it. Reignite your intimacy. Practice it.
Oh the Love Languages being brought into the conversation. *sigh*. What Fail to understand and yes maybe even the authors of the book, we need all of those aspects of love. We need touch, spending time with one another, words on affirmation, occasional gifts, etc. EVERYONE needs those things, it isn’t just one thing we need all of them and a healthy relationship has all of them. We just may have a preference/ higher desire for a few but we need all of those aspects to feel loved, respected and wanted.
How about on Tuesdays you let her do whatever she wants, i.e., shopping at the mall (whatever she likes to do), while you take the kids to the mall ice cream shop.
Obviously not all, but this is why so many people see military people as automatic red flags.... in boot camp alone, you're trained to turn off your emotions.... now he doesn't know how to turn it back on
Duuuude.... he asked "how do you bring her joy?"... the SIIIGH followed by the long silence, told me everything I need to know. Dude is Not treating her like a Partner, he's treating her like a subordinate. A subordinate to be brought in line.
Based on my experience with my ex.. when someone has checked out of a marriage call it done. There's very little hope of restoring it. They've been checked out for a long time. And you don't want someone staying in a marriage with you simply out of obligation. At least I don't.
I really hope the wife hears this call someday. He may not be the perfect husband but at least he’s trying the best he can. Sometimes that effort means a lot more than the result.
It sounds like he barks orders at her instead of being a team player/leader/partner. There’s no love, it’s all business with him, she has to perform. That is absolutely exhausting, soul crushing, and heartbreaking.
I don't hear love there... He is thinking of him only and not of her. Maybe he should try to genuinely care about his wife and try to connect with her.
I disagree. I think he loves her. He obviously did enough to make this call. He just lacks certain skills and awareness. He probably thought he was doing the right thing all this while when he was actually causing more damage. I think deep down the wife knows that which is the only reason she stays despite how she feels.
He has no clue. Maybe he had bad parents himself or whatever. I know a couple of guys like that. Not bad people, but as long as they don't do the psych work on themselves, they hurt others. Hee needs to find the way to his heart.
I love Dr. John's positivity. And I feel it is right to try every possible approach and look in the mirror and work on yourself - before deciding if a marriage works or not. But, also, there are people who will not work with you. And you can't wait until you yourself are perfect. They have to try it together with you - even when you make mistakes. And I think the caller hasn't tried the right approach yet - but also he has his obvious predispositions and is human. But what is most important: he tries and tries. It's not only him who should open his eyes about how his wife is - and to what she might be blind to (achievements, motivation through hard work). She should also open her eyes that he might be blind to motivation by joy/fun. She should try to understand him, too.
If you treat your spouse like a child, don't be surprised when they grow up and move out.
best comment.
That is to funny lol
Nice deep analogy 😘
Nice!!
😮🤩🤯
"How do you bring her joy?"
*dead silence*
Oh please , we all get in a relationship rut . I’ve been married for 20 years and we need to work on things . We lose what we take for granted .
A rut is a small hill to climb, this sounds like years of her feeling like she's not enough because he makes sure she knows what she's doing "wrong". He can't even give a reason on how he brings her joy. If my husband of 23yrs and I were in a rut and someone asked me that I would either be able to name something that I do for him or a light would go off and I would think I need to start doing xyz again and I know the same would go for him. We've been in rut, we've gone thru major things, but it has brought us together in the end not further apart. And never once have one of us left for any period of time. That would never make anyone feel secure. And we still need to work at it, as life and relationships are ever evolving.
Honestly the "dead silence" probably IS what brings her joy. He spends too much energy talking her down and making her "accountable for responsibilities" because he doesn't see the "work and commitment". Not hearing him talk her down would definitely bring a sense of joy.
That spoke louder than any of the things he said.
Ugg.".how are you improving" ? That sux to hear . Sounds narcissistic
He's a joyless task master. He has no answer for how he brings her joy. He treats her like an employee.
Inaccurate - she is on social media all day. I don’t blame him for feeling the way he does.
@@JourneyDestinationshe's on social media coz he neglects her. Chicken or the egg
@@69429boss wrong! Women have a problem with social media consumption and it’s only just begging to rear it’s ugly head.
Nah, the man is working. He is doing his job. She chose to stay at home and not doing her job
@@69429boss
She neglects her kids too. What does his neglect have to do with the kids ?😊
He pushes her ? He tries to hold her accountable? She doesn't do what he says? He tries to "include" her in the conversation? And he wonders why his wife is checked out of the marriage? John said it, get humble and ask her, "how can I bring you joy?"
military men are VERY controlling
@@michellesimmons3150 absolutely, they want to hear yes sir and be saluted, Arrogant abusers, and known cheaters,. I guarentee he married her to tend in servitude to his kids by the other women.
He is SUCH a male appendage!!! Jeez!!!
She doesn't do anything. Stay at home mom and can't even keep the house clean. Sounds like she's a slob.
She’s not avoiding accountability or responsibility, she’s avoiding HIM. Sounds like he’s broken her.
I agree but as much as I also avoided my then abusive ex I never failed to clean , cook or take proper care of the kids.
Exception, This is a perfect example of the "modern woman" or Feminist. Take your pick.
@@castiel4746 women are not slaves,sex objects, or only domestic slaves.
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 according to him who controls all of the money.
@@kellharris2491 That's right, avoid ALL accountability.
She’s depressed and in a loveless marriage. He wants a maid mommy wife and she wants support..
She does nothing yet it's all fault? At least he's trying he actually has a job. She sits at home whining lol
@@Wheres_Jackie stay at home mom is a full time job
@@kind2423 yeah if you're actually putting in work.
I was just going to say that
You are blaming him and making your own bs assumptions
Yelling and screaming at your wife, telling her she's not keeping up with the house, kids, routine. Sounds like a dream. I wonder why she's checked out?
🤣👊💯
Exactly.
You must not have listened to the whole video.
Still yet, it’s his word we have to take with a grain of salt. But he claims that before it got to this point he treated her differently and nothing ever changed, so it got to the point where he’s treating her like another child.
@@PeepersonCreedo he controls all of the money. She is a SAHW. He is financially abusing her.
@@kellharris2491 it’s a choice to be a stay at home parent? And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But Don’t say someone is financially abusing someone because the other person doesn’t go get a job
I guarantee she’s told him numerous times what she needs and it’s fallen on deaf ears.
Absolutely. Dave always talks about the wife suddenly being “done” and nothing can bring her back after years of suffering and giving chances and hoping for behaviour change. A really sad situation but it’s likely too little too late
@@DavidRamseyIII but according to him she is the one asking him to hold on...
And I guarantee he’s more invested than she is, sad all around.
@@CrystalM1917 If he separated their finances she may be terrified to have him leave her in poverty with kids. And his constant harassment about chores has destroyed her self confidence. She may no longer have the courage to leave. Been there, done that, recovered. He had me convinced that every single problem in the marriage was my fault.
Add in the fact that she was home with three children all day, every day, during COVID. For the past year, she’s been dealing with home-schooling where the Zoom lessons end. Add in the daily chores she does (including HIS list of expected top of the list chores). I didn’t hear him say that he’s taken on additional household chores so that she can make sure the kids’ school work is finished. I didn’t hear him say he loves her, he adores her, he will do anything to hold onto the relationship and keep it whole. A woman needs to feel loved, cherished, beautiful, and most of all, she needs to feel that she wants to be a better version of herself for her partner and children. She’s giving up. Heck, 3 kids at home 24-7, COVID isolation, and a husband who measures her worth based on completed assigned chores, cooking, and handling money would be enough to drive me into depression. I feel sorry for both of them. They are arguing but don’t know how to solve their soul-crushing issues.
Don’t “help” her by telling her what to do or pointing out what’s wrong . Actually help her . See the need and meet it . Your wife doesn’t need “tough love.”
Hey doctor D if this woman wants to stay with this idiot then clearly she likes what's going on now I'm a black woman is far as I'm concerned slavery was abolished in 1865 she needs to go move get rid of his loser I get ourself a hero because clearly he does not job Description😂sincerely the Diva07111
Hey doctor D when does this Indian stop being a drill sergeant and go to man camp and learn how to be a husband????😇
No such thing as tough love! It’s just love
Wow how sad! This guy sounds like the worst husband ever
Sounds like a husband you wants to married to an adult not a child.
guy has zero self awareness. you have 2 failed marriages, about to be 3 buddy. time to do some self reflection.
I was thinking the same thing. If you have had multiple marriages maybe you need to look in the mirror and figure out all the why's.
My guess is wife 4 will be along shortly and she won't be good enough either.
It’s takes two though .
I agree with John. The common denominator all three times....
Maybe marriage & relationships are not for him, He should think about being single or be in a relationship, not get married & not have her move in with you
Wives check out when they don't feel safe and important and aren't being listened to by their husband. She needs regular breaks and may be overwhelmed or depressed. Moms are often ignored and overlooked. You need to be a part of teaching your kids too and back her up!!!
They check out when there is no Love left and they did with the mourning of separation and loss already within the marriage for years.
She need a job, she need Het own money so she can divorce
I've told men a few times... even my brother: when a woman doesn't say anything, it's because she feels she's reached the end. She may have even stopped caring. We try and explain, show, ask, discuss, even at risk of it being taken as nagging, because we care. And then one day we're done and that's it. Men believe they won when a woman is "finally" silent. Wrong -means she is, as he says, checked out.
They got married bc she was pregnant not bc they were in love. Now it's 11 years later and the kids are getting older and it's just becoming more and more apparent.
I agree. Bible states flee fornication for a reason
Love is a bit overrated really. Many people who married because they fell in love also divorced later because they said they no longer loved each other. As a Muslim woman I agree with the above comment to stay away from fornicating because it’s against my religious beliefs as well. But I don’t think he did anything wrong by wanting to fulfill a duty to give his unborn child a home and family. They made a mistake ok, but now they’re trying to make it right which is good. Commitment and sense of responsibility often goes a long way compared to just “love” which comes and goes. Plus if you want my take, this man does love his wife enough to make this call. I think if he starts easing up a bit and letting her do some things she enjoys they will have a happy marriage. They deserve it.
My thoughts exactly
It’s normal to fall in and out of
love in a longterm relationship.....the important thing is that BOTH make a conscious effort to make it work...marriage is daily work.
Crystal exactly! There has to be a foundation of love, and maybe it was never fully there in the first place. I’m all for marriage and commitment, but if both people are miserable and there’s no foundation of love that’s very difficult.
My husband treated me like his employee or some sort of a contractor, so I quit too. Provided I've been an awesome mom and a very frugal wife, stayed in great shape from day one and due to my minimalism and good admin skills we were able to save and gain assets. I hope he is happy now as his "useless wife" (his exact words) is gone. Cheers, ladies!
Is he happier? You would know, right, since you're still in contact as co-parents?
@@razmiddle9410 He seems sad as there is no one for him to boss around. I wish him well though.
I'm sorry to hear that, you sounds like a catch in all honesty. I'm sure he's very aware of the void in his life that you used to occupy and bring fulfillment to.
Wow but your ex sounds abusive as well. This guy doesn’t sound abusive, just unaware. I am sorry you went through that.
@Heinrich Himmler she’s not bitter. She’s hurt and has a right to be. No one should be treated that way. It sounds she came out of an abusive situation with the whole “useless wife” remark. Men or women like that are never happy no matter what.
I think there isn't an ounce of compromise in this guy and his wife is just sick of not ever being able to live up to his unreasonably high standards. The fact that this is his THIRD wife speaks volumes.
Plus he doesn't even know why she is checked out...
Exactly. I’m living this now. I have a full time career and still expected to do every single thing. I’m not allowed to be exhausted, tired, take a break, want some time to myself, etc. every single day it’s something. Stress at work and stress at home.
He is so full of it!
@@NothingForYou283 I understand and can relate. At some point we have to stop trying to be Sweet Merry Sunshine.
100%!
The silence when he asked how do you bring her joy/safety. I actually cried..♥️
My heart dropped 😭
I thought to myself "Huh, that's actually a good question 😳" I don't think many of us guys think about that sometimes. We just assume by being kind and nice to our wife/partner it's enough, but to bring joy to that person we love, I don't think most of us do enough.
Same 🥺
I liked that at least he gave it a deep thought.
@@kingzanawhat I heard in the silence “joy isn’t in the job description” 😢
He broke her Emotionally and mentally. Simple as that. She checked out because she probably feels like no matter what she does, it won’t ever meet his expectations. She won’t leave because she honors her marriage and family commitments. She just doesn’t know what to do.
Oh my those words sting because I have said just those exact words. She loves him, but gave up. What she wants from him, no what she needs from him, she will never get.
Once the kids are grown or one or both parties begin an affair, the other will eventually file for divorce. It is only a matter of time.
@luvofcooki3s this is my life 😔
His love language is acts of service. And they need to both know that and get VERY specific.
Or she simply doesn't know how to deal with confrontation and or emotions like an adult
Imagine working a job without a paycheck. A job that seems almost invisible, because that’s what housework is. Meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs, helping kids with their homework. I’d be depressed, too. The kids won’t notice the work. No one says, “Good job, mom.” This husband may not appreciate her enough. She should leave him with the kids for 2 weeks while she goes on vacation. I wonder how he would like doing all the housework. I work and my husband does too. We share household chores, and even though it sucks, we get it done. Our relationship isn’t perfect but he appreciates me and I appreciate him. Having small kids is so hard, I get it. But don’t give up on your partner. Say thank you. Say “you’re doing great.” Say, “I see you work so hard and you deserve a break.” That goes a long way.
Not to mention it’s the most criticized job. I’m a stay at home mom and what I hate most is no matter what I do my life’s work is scrutinized by those I am around. When I’m at a restaurant, T-ball game, home, in-laws, church. Everyone feels it is their job to tell me how good or bad I do at my job. I don’t get to turn off and unwind from a crazy day. I don’t have something to fall back on and be successful at when my life at home isn’t perfect. That’s all I have. It’s so unfulfilling.
Being a good mother is certainly not valued in this society. The ironic part is that it costs a lot of money to replace the duties a stay at home mother normally does: like easily 6 digit figures per year.
That’s the problem! I take care of my Kids!!! Answer: you’re supposed to take care of your Kids! It’s not a Job! Why does every woman say it’s a Job?
@@newbeginnings9457 Because it is not recognized as being a valuable role, and is taken for granted by many people.
@@butterflygirl2285 absolutely true!!!
All I needed to hear was "Divorced twice, problems with relationships" its you, my man.
Not every time. I married two assholes and then found a great guy. True enough that my choices were wrong. However, I was sure that a loving attitude on my part would relay to loving kindness growing on their parts.
So, I thought love trumped all.
Not true.
100%
Do you know how many times she's been divorced? Didn't think so. Dumb4ss.
We live in a strange society, if we meet a single older adult who has never been married, we think there’s something wrong with them. Some dude that’s had two divorces, all good, let’s do a third lol
I’d never date or marry a partner who’s been divorced. Their Ex-partners must be deceased for me to take a chance on them. Past marital or relationship history is an indication of personal failure.
She’s not a child....you can’t command her to do as you please, sir.
She’s riding it out for the kids’ sake. I feel sad for the poor lady....
This guy is the constant between all his failed marriages.
Ikr and for all his accountability and responsibility talk I feel he's never taken any steps to own up to his faults
admittedly cheated in at least one....probably was controlling in them, and now he is a bully, manipulator and control freak to this poor woman. I bet she cant get a job because he wont allow it or blocks her attempts
Gotcha.
This woman sounds like me... she’s depressed and doesn’t feel appreciated or full-filled by the daily tasks of a stay at home mom. She needs encouragement and appreciation
With remote learning, you could probably learn a work from home skill and get a degree. Coding, Technical recruiting (highly recommend especially for women who wouldn't want to become engineers) , call center, etc.
Nah. Her job is too be a stay at home mom. If a man wasn't providing at his job you'd be calling him a deadbeat
@@fauxbro1983 People that work remotely stay at home....
yup
He should hire like a cleaning lady once week sometimes he ruined her mentally she feels worthless he already had failed marriages wonder why?
It sucks that many men will be told over and over what is needed from them and they still don’t know why their partner is over it
I would be checked out too if someone was yelling at me all the time.
She sounds depressed. Is it possible she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore? A part time/full time job, especially since all the kids are in school, might give her satisfaction. Combined with marriage and individual counseling.
@Heinrich Himmler I disagree. If all she wanted was money and kids she would’ve left a long time ago. She must be holding on to some hope. And why do you assume every woman is married for the money?
You are extremely negative and you need to go seek therapy for those issues. Not every woman is like that and there are plenty of good woman out there. It sounds like you have been hurt in the past.
She’s definitely sounds depressed.
Sounded like he's the one who wants to leave.
@Heinrich Himmler get some therapy dude and stop being so bitter, all the best to you.
He sounds more like a manager than a husband, 3 kids you can clean up the house 20 min later it’s a disaster again this dude should stay home and she should go to work 🤷🏻♀️
He is super defensive. You can hear it. Asking what her goals are instead of "what dreams do you have that I can share with you", "how can I make your life better". It's not hard, men!
You are right. I'm a stay-at-home to a 2 and 4 year old. I work part time a few days a month and my husband GETS IT as I work 14 hr shifts. I'm just thankful the kids are fed, clean, and happy. He has never asked me why isn't the house clean, a hot meal cooked, etc. going back to work part time was the best thing for us. But, he never asked me those things before I went back to work or even before kids. But, at least he gets it now that we have kids.
Women don't stay around with beta husbands who earn less than they do. As men we have to be superior to keep respect and attraction
Stopped pushing, did set goals... She isn't a robot. She is just as much a person as you are.
I love John's advice!!!!
He wants her to do things his way. Nobody can do everything in somebody else's way.
Marriage is like a date that never ends!!! On a date you are the best you can be! When my ex-marine and I reconciled in our long marriage I discovered a man who wanted to reconcile and he changed for the better! Dr.John is correct in saying that people can willingly change! Individual counseling and marriage counseling was necessary! And with God all things are possible!😅
I've known a lot of military men, and I noticed whenever a group of them were together, the conversation would often turn to viciously complaining about their wives (and disparaging women in general), yet they were SUPER eager to get married and many of them had gotten married within weeks of meeting the woman. Maybe it was some sort of status symbol, especially since it allowed young recruits to live off base and get a much bigger paycheck, but many of the older ones had been married three or four times. I mean, chanting "Napalm, it sticks to kids...women and invalids" during PT while also loving a wife does not compute.
Big yikes...
Wowza
Military men for all of history have been homoerotic and woman-hating. This isn't new. They need to leave women alone and be with each other.
it is all about image, as they climb rank they looks at spouses....my husband was in 30 years active. A good spouse will help your image and career....even if things at home are toxic, as long as she shows up being the super spouse, volunteering and showing up at events like a team with the soldier...it builds his chances at climbing ranks above others. A bad spouse can ruin your career...they all know it. My marriage is so toxic, I never seen how bad it was until after he retired but we are barely holding on now.
@@michellesimmons3150you have been a good soldier too. But you can stand down now. It’s your turn to be you, not someone’s shadow where it’s so cold. You’re the real 5⭐️.
Jesus is the caller even married to this woman? He's acting like he doesn't know anything about her.
When he tells the story about why he married her he makes it sound like he was obligated because of the circimstances. He resents being with her and she can sense that.
YES!!!!! 💔
I agree with you, however it’s probably not one-sided. She may resent him as well. And maybe the bigger problem is they weren’t compatible in the first place.
He could have avoided all of this by being responsible with his sperm and only allowing it into a woman if he intended to have a child. I am guessing he felt entitled to climaxing inside of her
His answer to what you do to bring her joy... acknowledges when SHE cooks dinner, when SHE dresses up... they are things SHE is doing! Saying thank you does not count!
100% true!
Exactly
Dude said "responsibility" so many times I almost didn't do MY dishes lmao
I've always been expected to do everything even while working full-time. The final straw was when we both walked in from work, within minutes of each other, and I started dressing to go snowblow the 8 -12" of snow so I could get my car into the driveway because it was obvious he wasn't going to. Just as I'm ready to walk out the door, he asked me what's for dinner?! GAME OVER! 🤡 I know there are good men out there but I'm tired of 'weeding them out'. I LOVE being single and doing whatever the hell I want, when I want! 😁 I'm only hearing one side here but I can just imagine what she's going through.
👏👏👏 yes! Yes times a million!
Not everyone is like you ex. Me for example did everything for her. I was normal famuly guy. Loving her, respected her, not beeing abusive in any way. But she just could not handle the fact that here and there evey couple have problems and not for everything is ones fault. So after 15 years she says we do t think the same way i want out.... Pfff
I wouldn't divorce over that. Clearly he wasn't treating you honorably. Many men these days are wusses. Can't y'all get get Godly counsel?
YES, I gave dating a try, got cheated on, treated like I was an object he owned once, cheated on a few more times, and went on some dates where it was obvious the guy was married or otherwise taken and I would be his "side dish". I gave up.... Happily single now for many years and enjoying my freedom!
Here is the question, did you try to work it out with him and organize and work together? If not you are as fault as he is. You know why u like being by yourself? Cause no responsibility only to yourself. When you are married you work for the family NOT just yourself. Eventually you will feel lonely cause we are human we need human touch and that partner that feels that emptiness
A housewife housemom is one of thee hardest thankless unacknowledged job in the world! Its psychologically exhausting. Be her support, be her partner, love her and let her know she is beautiful and her job is meaningful.
That only true if she actually doing the job. He said she not keeping up with the house so the house is duty and he said she not keeping up with the kids. So what on earth is she doing?
Lol. You ever work in a coal mine
No it's not. Being a housewife isn't like working in a coal mine.
Laura Young, I copied your comment and turned it into my phone background.
@@bobberry1463 according to him. He controls all of the money. I don't trust him at all. He is a control freak.
Avoidance at dinner time and not being responsible/accountable is a clear indicator that she’s sick and tired of everything. Sadly, I hear about this from a lot of stay at home mums. I went through this myself and had to find ways on my own to get help.
I Even slept in another room a while
He’s not owning his actions.
This clip hits so close to home. It's like everything that Dr Delony identified in the way that Marine speaks to and treats his wife it's the same exact statements that both family and friends have pointed out with my own Navy husband. I think a lot of military spouses particularly husbands tend to bring the work mindset home... And it can be a very hard pill for them to swallow and to realize that it is poison and toxic to a family unit and a marriage
My navy dad, had these tendencies. He is so much better now, I bless the Lord!
200% true, police same. Hower any dude (or woman) that thinks work tactics or uses boss or other parent like demeanor will be ineffective at home
Thats what you get for marrying a government tool
He’s doesn’t have answers for the simple questions john asked. After 11 years of being together, you don’t know what brings her joy? You don’t know why she’s checked out? Have you asked? She’s probably checked out because he’s seems so surface level. She’s probably depressed.
she’s good for nothing. stays at home but can’t do laundry for her kids or keep the house clean? he needs to cut the dead weight asap
@@monkas7270 he’s been married 3 times. He can’t keep divorcing every time things get tough. If he divorces her over this then he should remain single. He plays a role in this too. You would Think after 11 years of being married to the same woman he would have a better idea of why she checked out and if he played a role in this. Dude is clueless
@@NT-bz5nh he's been with her 11 years and he has no clue sounds like it's her. She can't say what's wrong or give any hints. Goes both ways only difference is the man is always blamed and never 50 50
@@NT-bz5nh why does he have to do everything? when he got married, he was probably expecting a partner or wife, not another kid he has to take care of. it’ll be good for him to end the marriage so that they can both move on
@@monkas7270 when did I say he has to do everything? I never said I blame Him for the issues in their marriage. I’m blaming him for his lack of awareness.
Sounds like this relationship has never had any genuine romance, fun, or spontaneity in it
That doesn’t make a long lasting relationship. Cheap thrills don’t fill .
You gotta have some fun sometime. Otherwise they are just roomates.
Relationships NEED deep substance, purpose, fun, and uniqueness. More than just paying bills, rearing children and managing a household
So many happy functional marriages I know of do weekly or bi monthly date nights. Or plan a family or couples only vacation. You have to have fun sometimes. Give your wife a reason to get dolled up if she liked that kind of thing
@@NT-bz5nh AMEEEEEEEN. Only what we invest in can grow
This guy sounds like a ball of fun.
I like the sarcasm.
@@oncetwice5942😂
“She doesn’t need information from you. She needs connection from you.”
We met at a bar, later got pregnant, decided to stick it out. Not exactly the best start.
I was thinking the same thing….
He never mentions love. In any of the conversation . Too bad
Usually I side with the guys on marriage issues, but I know exactly what it is going on here. The military beats into men high expectations. I bet when she had her first child, she tried to do everything perfect and he came home and pointed out everything he didn't like. He demoralized her to the point she checked out and when that happened not only did he threaten to leave, but actually did. She has NO stability with her marriage. She already knows he's twice divorced so he definitely will leave if everything isn't perfect. With him being in the military, I KNOW he has too high of expectations of her with three children. She knows nothing she does will ever be good enough so she has stopped trying.
How he fixes this is when he walks in the door every night, he points out something she has done that he appreciates. Ask her what HE can do to help. I understand he works all day, I really get it, but teamwork makes the dream work.
He's treating her like a cadet.
@@MM-nl8ci because the majority of men are more logical and less emotional. They usually have a better grasp on what the situation is.
He even controls all the money.
That's emotional and psychological abuse.
Ummm....she works all day too.
When you marry your drill Sargent and he starts yelling at you!
Everybody deserves a healthy, reciprocal relationship.........this isn’t it.
I love how he put this. Us checked out women will live bitter and in pain waiting....for something that will never happen.
How do you bring her joy fml...that silence was so loud.
I agree!!! I relate so much to the wife. We aren’t 24/7 robots and employees!
Just a thought.... husband may not want his wife to get a job outside the home. He sounds like he wants to just go to work and have his wife do ALL the household jobs. Been there, done that!
This caller may be a little too late. I think he doesn’t want to say, but he cheated on this woman too..
Maybe but NO way of knowing from this one call
Agreed. He wants an excuse
He doesn't see anything wrong with himself with how he's answering like there's nothing wrong she shouldn't hide that right there that says a lot
He has no clue. Totally sounds like my ex. Glad I am out with no kids together😱
This sounds like my marriage except the “pushing” my husband did was “spiritual” and church-related. I have been a stay at home Mom who homeschools for a decade at this point. I am currently divorcing my husband. You can only endure so much punishment, so little joy, so little appreciation and warmth. It would have killed me to stay.
Then... HELP her!! Of course it's a challenge for her. She is doing everything it sounds like. I'm a stay-at-home and I couldn't do it without my husband. We are a TEAM. He asks "how can I help you" when he gets home instead of saying "why isn't the laundry done". But, in turn, I give him days and say, "just rest, I got this" or "thank you, I couldn't do this without you and I know you are tired too". But, he helps me and I help him. Communication. And, yessss, we have days like anyone else. We are human. But, TRY man. Try. Ask her how you can help her!
Thats what i thought i was doing but she just checked for whatever reason...sad but oh well
Dr. John you know what would be so cool? If you followed up with your callers 1 year later to see how they've utilized your great advice. Such great advice, I truly pray your callers are heeding it.
Inject Joy and Safety in her life.. That was the kicker. Good question
I was like this wife for a long time. It can still be a struggle but John gave great advice. I was overwhelmed with four young kids and a house and my husband thought I had it easy because he was the one who went to work every day. We are great now, and yes the young kids are still here lol. It’s possible... Communication is KEY. So is understanding that your partner has needs and wants just like you do. It wasn’t just about him realizing how overwhelmed and emotionally drained I was, it was also about me realizing I wasn’t doing anything to try to make him happy either.
Yes! Acts of Service is a serious love language that's always misunderstood. Communicating specifically is the key.
sounds like there is more to this, maybe the wife don't feel appreciated or loved, feel like they are just roommates.
If you go to your wife and say, you are more important than a clean house. You are more important than the laundry being done. You are more important than dinner being on the table at six. And then you ask her what can I do for you? I promise you your wife will check back in to the marriage! I think she needs to feel seen and understood. I like the advice Dr. John gave this man. And I can understand this man's frustration! But he's right, people don't respond well to pushing. People respond to genuine love and concern.
Absolute best comment yet!!! Once he truly SEES her & shows how he values her over everything else, she will come around & check back in.
Is he more important than bringing in the $ to feed the kids?
How about team work? Do the dishes together. Put the laundry in the washer then she could fold. Some times a women just wants to know you care.
@Heinrich Himmler Perhaps then they can trade roles and see how it goes?
@Heinrich Himmler I had one. It was great! But he did exactly what this woman does. Not any helping out hardly at all. Needs to be a team, a partnership.
So no one wants a stay at home dad, but everyone complains about stay at home moms. Interesting.
I am just glad that my husband values me as a person, an individual woman that he loves and we work not only on our relationship but on tasks together. Unless we are willing to empathize with or take the time to consider the perspective of our spouse, we aren't earning much respect nor being a contributing member of the relationship. Always consider each other and as long as both are seeking to uplift and improve then you are on a great track. Many times in my marriage it has been several months where I can't get to this or that chore due to a new baby or personal struggle, so my husband helps me and encourages me, asking how he can best support me. When he is struggling I take on more of his tasks and ask and work on how best to support him. We don't keep score, we just try to make sure we are both heard, seen and supported. Including asking for help when needed and giving counsel when called for.
@@rebekahcrook226 I've actually done this. I feel for the caller to an extent. My wife worked at a temp job for a couple of months while i took care of the house. The house was never cleaner, the kids were fed, and we had clean dishes.
But she wants to be a stay at home mom, but doesn't like to do any of the stuff that that entails. When i go out to work, she goes out for adventures.
It's gotten a little better. But it's still a sore subject with me.
@@wfTitus Thank you for the added perspective. I should pick words a little more carefully. Just makes me sad when all we see is the conflict and fault not solutions, ya know?
From someone with depression she sounds depressed.
Sure does - she's struggling with things good wives have been cruising through for millennia...
@@nervotica7991 Not everyone is best suited for staying at home. Nothing good or bad about it.
I have it because of this exact situation. It is a dark hole of spiraling depression with the company of despair and hopelessness.
This guy needs to learn how to love his wife. Women do amazing things when they know that they are love.
The hard part about these calls is that we don't get to hear the other side of the story. I imagine that it would be hard to counsel without knowing all of the information. People often have very different perspectives as to what's going on and why.
I agree. Dr John assumed the Mom is properly taking care of the kids. What if the husband is saying his wife is checked out to the point that he does is all? He said he praises her when she cooks or gets dressed. WHEN. This is either a depressed or lazy mom. It doesn’t sound like an overwhelmed one to me. Just because Dr John has kids that are in tons of activities doesn’t mean ever family does. Maybe this woman is checked out to the point that the kids are suffering too? Telling this man to fix himself isn’t going to make her engage with the kids more. I think the other counsellor had more time with the man, and had the bigger picture. We can’t say their advice was no good for sure. Dr John is clouded by his bias for women.
I’m a stay at home mom and it is entirely possible to maintain the house if that’s your only job and your kids are school age. Let’s stop pretending it takes a superhero when it doesn’t.
Yeah I agree.
Especially with him having left the home for 30 days 2-3 years ago. Would love to know more about that tie and what - if anything - they did to reconcile beyond him coming home
@@murderofcrows7738 wouldn't you still say WHEN if she cooked everyday?
Also with the "when she get dressed", maybe he meant just more than "house clothes".
Everyone in my house wears sweats unless we are going somewhere.
It so hard to tell what she does or doesn't do, because he is pretty vague. He never stated the house is filthy or the children are being neglected. So I assume he is micromanaging her.
Maybe dinner time is the only free time she has to manage life on her phone, like paying bills, making appointments, dealing with school things or shopping for home items.
Oh YIKES. The way he talks about his expectations for his wife is awful. He will only give her compliments when she gets dressed or cooks dinner? His love is conditional. She deserves so much better. This guy is awful, hopefully he matures and gets a good counselor.
Very awful man.
She’s probably on social media watching people she knows living the life she wishes she had. Either way, I’d like hear both sides
No, she does not appreciate the amount of work he puts in or care about doing wifely duties. Just like all women, stop trying to defend her
Let’s not assume .
@@waflletoast11 do you have a successful marriage? With that response, I'd say no. Please shock me.
@@waflletoast11 in what way was my comment defending her? Did you not see the “hear both sides” part of my comment?! Stop taking YOUR issues with women out on me. Clearly neither of us know these people
@@waflletoast11
iaaa
He doesn’t respect or value her as an individual. His whole reason for marrying her was just because she was pregnant. He didn’t say anything about how great she is or how much he loves/ed her. She’s just another woman shoved into the “wife slot” and that’s why she’s checked out.
He's in Jacksonville, North Carolina. I was born at the Marine base there when my parents were both stationed there. A lot of Marine men have marital issues like this. But he CAN learn how to be better. He's got to really look at himself though.
The defence force breaks men down and kills any compassion and love they have.
@@sarcodonblue2876 Facts. Veteran Marine here.
@@michaelallen1154It's because almost all military men are actually into men. They hate women.
It takes two to tango buddy. She’s not your maid. She’s not your cook. She’s not your servant. She’s your wife.
This really hit me hard. I was like this guy. My wife left. She is filing divorce. I wish I could have seen this a year ago. I’m going to keep fighting for my marriage as long as I can.
It's not wrong if your love language is acts of service. But the way you approach that needs to be very clear and gentle. And she needs to know EXACTLY what that means.
How are things now?
@@oshunenergy3884 I’m still standing. She is still working through the divorce process. It’s slower going which may be a good sign. I’m doing my best to work on myself and who I am going forward
@@RyanMeyerink Work hard man, you're doing good.
NOW you're gonna fight?
She is in a thankless "job" and her tank is empty. Husband never satisfied with her household chores.
Yes...hit the nail on the head. Empty tank...thankless job that never ends.
I am curious to know if when she does do good things ,clean the house or try to work on stuff does he say "thank you", "good job","I love you" or "your so beautiful" or just make he feel like it's still not enough for him...?
And why isn’t he helping? I am thankful for my husband!!!
Does she say the same things when he provides constantly for the family?
@@dontshowmyname9561 that is a very good point!
I think he mentiined he did say these things but John said that she isn't his child lol. 🤷🏾♀️
I think there is a monotony of staying home that sucks for many women. It's hard to stay motivated in life doing the same things over and over again with no excitement, variability, or acknowledgement. It takes more energy to form and keep your identity with hobbies, friendships and individual pursuits when you don't have a consistent identity outside of your home so it's easier to fall into depression.
He needs to be “”less” military. She is a person. Not a military guy. They need counseling.
Great questions that caused the man to stop and think about the “why.” Accountability is good…if the other person is receptive. She is sick of being pushed like a child and has checked out. She sounds depressed and unfulfilled in her marriage and life in general. Should the house be kept up? Yes. Should she eat dinner with her family? Yes. But constant criticism won’t make her want to be better. She needs to feel loved and secure in the relationship. The caller can’t force her to change- he can only change himself. Find those things that bring her joy and do them. His efforts towards a day for her, acknowledgment of her achievements, counseling, etc. are a good start. I commend the husband for caring enough to try when she isn’t able to put forth the effort. That IS love. Great advice. Rely on God for your fulfillment, not your wife, and no matter what happens you will have peace and joy.
He focuses on all the logistics, no emotional.
Guys like,' I'm the boss! I'm in charge! It's my way because I am the Man!'
Two seconds later. 'Wait. Why I am I carrying it all by myself?'Why am I doing everything myself?
Your spouse is not your employee. Your spouse is not your subordinate. If you need to keep someone beneath you to feel good about yourself, that just shows how small you actually are.
Real leaders lift up their family. Make them stronger. Real leaders understand, 'He who is great amongst you. Let him be your servant.'
Instead many say, 'I am the boss and my family must serve me instead.'
He is even controlling all of the money.
I wish I could give the wife a hug and say, "From sister to sister, girl you are valued, you are loved and you are important. You are a strong woman and deserve the very best in life." That is probably more than she's heard from her own husband in years.
Man this is my life. 35 yrs married, 5 adult kids most 2yrs apart, own a business where I was kinda forced into being the bookkeeper. We argue over everything. We want to get counseling but who do we go to? I want us to go to the right therapist the first time going in
How are you now? Did you take action to make your life better? Find your own therapist to guide. you alone, if you get healthier, your dynamic will change! You deserve more and you are in charge of finding the help you need! Good luck!
If you wait to find the right therapist, you'll do nothing but wait. Step in and see if they have something useful for you, if not, try another one. I went through a few duds at first, it helps you to know what you want and don't want from a therapist, similar to dating different people - gives you better clarity on your preferences and dealbreakers.
Sadly the statistics show that there’s a higher chance of divorce with each marriage .
Not really. I have seen many people have a successful marriage after a few times. Sometimes people just make mistakes when they’re young and don’t know any better. Not different from having many long term relationships then getting married. Clearly this was the longest marriage he had and he’s really trying to make it work.
@@SummeRain783 yes it definitely can work if you did and do the work , if not , it’s just another statistic .
@@SummeRain783 But statistically, the odds of a third marriage ending in divorce is even higher than the first two. Just cos you know people that haven't divorced yet doesn't mean the statistic doesn't exist.
For real？
OMG, he refers to her in an impersonal way. His object and possession.
Glad John called the truth.
Once a very wise man was asked by a father, what is the most important thing you can do for your children...he answered, love your wife...
Your wife checked out because of YOU! She’s sick of your BS.
I have checked out of my marriage. I’ll tell you, we check out because we don’t feel loved, supported, or cared for. I checked out because my “husband” disrespects me, doesn’t support me, criticizes me and puts me down. I am only here still in the relationship because I love my kids. As a stay at home mom, we aren’t financially able to just pick up and leave. Thank god I have a job now and feel some form of independence.
That was so good. Whenever I think one of your topics has nothing to do with my life, I'm wrong. You're so encouraging. Thank you for what you do.
He happened to get his 3rd wife pregnant and just decided to marry her and try to work it out. This is why the Bible states to flee fornication so we spend adequate time knowing someone without orgasms that clouds discernment, and then marrying and spending the rest of our life with our purpose-partner and not just someone we have fun with and have some things in common with. People having children with people with nothing but children binding them together, but no mission, no purpose beyond that is vain.
He's checked out too. Work as a team. Put in the work. Sounds like there is a lack of emotional intimacy. Take a break from the kids. Put your marriage first! If it means getting a sitter or having family look after them
....do it. Reignite your intimacy. Practice it.
Oh the Love Languages being brought into the conversation. *sigh*. What Fail to understand and yes maybe even the authors of the book, we need all of those aspects of love. We need touch, spending time with one another, words on affirmation, occasional gifts, etc. EVERYONE needs those things, it isn’t just one thing we need all of them and a healthy relationship has all of them. We just may have a preference/ higher desire for a few but we need all of those aspects to feel loved, respected and wanted.
How about on Tuesdays you let her do whatever she wants, i.e., shopping at the mall (whatever she likes to do), while you take the kids to the mall ice cream shop.
If she felt loved, she'd work harder. She knows she isn't loved so why bother
This call made me appreciate not settling for a military man who thinks he’s a perfect human just because he’s military 😂
Obviously not all, but this is why so many people see military people as automatic red flags.... in boot camp alone, you're trained to turn off your emotions.... now he doesn't know how to turn it back on
He wants a housekeeper, she wants to be a human being not a servant
Duuuude.... he asked "how do you bring her joy?"... the SIIIGH followed by the long silence, told me everything I need to know.
Dude is Not treating her like a Partner, he's treating her like a subordinate. A subordinate to be brought in line.
And she brings him zero joy... The opposite in fact.
Based on my experience with my ex.. when someone has checked out of a marriage call it done. There's very little hope of restoring it. They've been checked out for a long time. And you don't want someone staying in a marriage with you simply out of obligation. At least I don't.
But if this guy never changes, he will have serial marriages which all implode!
I really hope the wife hears this call someday. He may not be the perfect husband but at least he’s trying the best he can. Sometimes that effort means a lot more than the result.
He sounds very task oriented and she doesn’t
It sounds like he barks orders at her instead of being a team player/leader/partner. There’s no love, it’s all business with him, she has to perform. That is absolutely exhausting, soul crushing, and heartbreaking.
Who's got time to think about goals when you're taking care of kids, cooking and cleaning.
Survival is the goal 😆😅
I know...and what kind of goals does he want her to have while she's raising his kids and cleaning his house. He looks down on her and she feels it.
I don't hear love there... He is thinking of him only and not of her. Maybe he should try to genuinely care about his wife and try to connect with her.
I disagree. I think he loves her. He obviously did enough to make this call. He just lacks certain skills and awareness. He probably thought he was doing the right thing all this while when he was actually causing more damage. I think deep down the wife knows that which is the only reason she stays despite how she feels.
He has no clue. Maybe he had bad parents himself or whatever. I know a couple of guys like that. Not bad people, but as long as they don't do the psych work on themselves, they hurt others. Hee needs to find the way to his heart.
@@SummeRain783 No wonder he's on his third marriage.
God, marriage is so tough sometimes and you love the person!
How do you bring her joy. Excellent question.
I love Dr. John's positivity. And I feel it is right to try every possible approach and look in the mirror and work on yourself - before deciding if a marriage works or not.
But, also, there are people who will not work with you. And you can't wait until you yourself are perfect. They have to try it together with you - even when you make mistakes.
And I think the caller hasn't
tried the right approach yet - but also he has his obvious predispositions and is human. But what is most important: he tries and tries.
It's not only him who should open his eyes about how his wife is - and to what she might be blind to (achievements, motivation through hard work). She should also open her eyes that he might be blind to motivation by joy/fun. She should try to understand him, too.
I think this is relatable to many!
Good advice! Work on yourself, get out of her face! And treat her with love and respect!
I’m betting she pulled for years and got zero mutual parenting help from him. And then gets reamed by him when he’s home. Enjoy your 3rd divorce.