I had a boyfriend like this husband. He would get intense and I’d be a deer in the headlights. If I told him why or whatever then he’d say, “That’s just an excuse”. How can you have a productive conversation about action and motivation honestly when everything you communicate he baits you into an argument over excuses???
My husband has been pointing out that we need to remove and dispose of our old hot tub. I agree he should. When he says things like this he means me taking care of it. I have a to do list a mile long. He comes home on the weekends and sits on the couch. ??????
I think she has a very timid, non-confrontational personality. She completly shuts down when faced with someone speaking 'agressively' to her. Through most of this Dr John was speaking firmly and she couldn't even get a word in. The more agrivated someone becomes the more she shuts down.
I think they're overanalyzing this. Not sure if this applies to this caller, but women who are taking care of the bulk of childcare and housekeeping are used to multi-tasking on auto-pilot. They aren't likely to feel a need to explain what they're going to do with every task. A husband coming home and announcing that the kids don't have water bottles, or they're outgrowing their clothes, are things she likely already has on her mental list to deal with. Maybe he's saying it in a condescending way, like she's not doing her job, and she resents that a bit. He could possibly communicate better by just asking what he could do to help with whatever the issue might be. Go help the kids look for the bottles, or go buy the jeans. It's not rocket science.
Thank you! This was my impression as well. It sounds like the husband is delegating a lot of these tasks to her and then trying to micromanage her. He should either just buy the freaking water bottles or trust her to take care of it. She sounds like she's burned out.
She is TIRED. She can’t be bothered to put more stuff on her shoulders and verbalize things, that are one hundreth of what she needs to do. I don’t respond to my husband’s “have you seen my sweater”, I just silently hand it to him, because I am tired of being asked 1000x a day where something is, because he doesn’t even bother to look for something for a minute, he asks it right away and I have to do this for him and the kids without a break and I am TIREEED, so I don’t want to talk. And maybe if I did, I would shout, which he wouldn’t understand why (why are you yelling, I only need to find my sweater…) and them comes this complain that I don’t communicate this minuscule stuff enough… I don’t see this “non-communication” as a big problem, because it’s just the small stuff (for me) and I just prefer my silence to wasting more energy on talking about something that makes one thousandth of my day.
I wonder how often she's told she's doing a good job as a mom? It's so easy to take those innocent communications as a personal attack that she's not doing her job. That it's something she should already have done. A lot of those little comments can pile up into an unintentional implication that she's not doing enough. No wonder she's not communicating! She thinks she has to do it all herself. Telling him would be an admission of inadequacy and a justification of his yelling. She's so worried she deserves it.
I lived too long shut down like she is. My late husband was a good guy, but our communication was like this. I wish I’d gotten help not being afraid of his yelling, and anger. Our communication was so bad, and I didn’t feel safe.
Nah I know what you mean and just raising his voice just a little bit when your used to a nice quiet home sounds so loud. I married an Italian guy and he is so loud he scares me when he get frustrated especially while driving it sets me off but he’s never done anything and when I ask for help boom he’s there but I’ll think we’re in an argument because he will raise his voice to raise his opinion and he thinks we’re just talking while in my brain he hates me, marriage is over 😂
It's not how long she lived it's more like a personality and attachment style some people are people pleasers and codependent and others are controlling and intimidating
This exactly describes communication issues I had with my ex. I was the one who didn't talk, because he would go on and on and on in response. It wasn't a conversation, it was a monologue.
At first I thought I hateeee people like her 😂 but now I have more understanding and empathy for why she doesn’t communicate well. Very eye-opening for an over communicator like me. That’s why I love this show. Humanizes everyone.
Communication is a 2 way street just demanding more communication is not helpful. He can go pick up the waterbottles. Just adding more to the todo list. He is pointing out problems and expecting her to be the solution.
Make a To-Do list on the kitchen fridge. When he thinks of bottles, pants, etc he can write it down there and leave it alone. She can address it later when she has time (or he can just figure it out himself). Sometimes there’s just so much stuff going on - so much stimulus and so much multi tasking - that something minuscule like water bottles doesn’t even make a blip in your brain. It registers, and you store it for later, but you’re doing something else and you can’t be interrupted with yet another stimulus or you won’t get your primary project done.
At first I wondered if she'd been raised by a control freak or someone who thinks that any statement of an issue is an invitation to be told what to do. It sounds like she's learned to internalise decision making processes to defend her sense of autonomy.
you asked if she was safe, and she responded with he raises his voice sometimes in conversations about stuff he thinks isn't being done that she won't share with him. she thinks he should just be able to see it, almost in the vein of thinking he should just read her mind. his raised voice sounds like it's likely an expression of frustration, not aggression. so her answering that way sounds to me like a dodge, a deflection. ergo, she IS safe to simply say what she's thinking, but she doesn't want to admit it or give up her resistance to it. that's what i'm hearing so far.
He's a micromanaging control freak boss doing all the bossing instead of working and she is an underappreciated employee trying to keep her head down who can't win with him. You can tell she's read a few relationship books on this and is more confused than ever. This isn't a love language issue. He's being abusive by raising his voice and starting fights. She's triggering him by keeping her head down - though can't blame her. Time for couples therapy.
@@WillIam79-c7fclearly he delagates but doesnt solve things himself. He wants her saying ,yes sir, right on it sir. Sounds like HE is running their lives as a boot camp.
It almost sounds like he’s issuing commands to her and the only way she can push back is by passive-aggressively not doing what he wanted. And a lack of trust in her judgement. Instead of getting all upset, why isn’t he asking her what happened and seeking to understand her better?
No the problem is, he is saying hey this is wrong or we need this, and she doesn't communicate back or agrees, and in her head she can solve the problem on her own and not allow him to help or have the solution
Normally husbands don’t go clothes shopping for kids. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a guy shopping in the kids department in the store looking for underwear, socks, pants, etc. I’m sure there are exceptions like the single fathers but it’s rare. Last week, bc I wasn’t feeling well, I did have my husband go shopping for pajamas for our boys because it was pajama day at school the following day 🤷🏾♀️
Every household has their own way of dividing up responsibilities. She probably wants to do it herself because she wouldn’t like his taste in clothes! At least that’s how I’d be ;)
@@MrTmenzo I think they still need to divide some chores. If you outsource all the household administration, I'm sure I'd be more expensive than he's earning.
I often keep all my thoughts in my head too... communication is a struggle. I realize that I get defensive too much as well but sometimes it's also because I don't even tell him what I'm thinking so he doesn't understand that I was actually listening to him because I'm solving it all in my head. Thanks for your advice.
I used to be that way with my husband at times because I had 43 things on my mind at once, and I was tired from working all day, so when he’d tell me about the water bottles I would just agree, without putting any thought into it at the time, then later (like the next day) the water bottle issue would come back to me, I’d think about it and decide what I was going to do. I would tell my husband because, by the time I saw him later, I’d forgotten all about it because it’s not an important issue. And he absolutely did the same thing, he’d forget the issue or forget to get back to me. We all have hundreds of moving parts in our days and our brains are badly overtaxed. Lots of stuff is forgotten, it’s inevitable. What he and I came up with is that if a topic was important to one of us, we had the responsibility of saying so. “Honey, pay attention, this matters.” It worked wonderfully for us. If it matters, say so at the time it first comes up.
It’s hard to say to men there are many other steps to consider for making home decisions. Grocery shopping involves cleaning the fridge, meal planning, taking inventory of food. Not just let’s go the store now.
@@christinao8877 True!! Likely, if us women try to explain that type of process in all household tasks, they'd get frustrated listening to the first sentence we utter
Sometimes, people don't realize they are getting loud and "yelling". There deminater when they don't think they are being heard they get louder. Pare that with someone who folds in on themselves when conflict arises is difficult to fix. Both need therapy
The husband doesn't ask questions so she doesn't give him open dialogue. Telling someone they should get more water bottles versus asking how she thinks best to handle the bottle situation are 2 different discussions.
Lol asking how to handle the water bottle situation? 😂 what? It’s not big of a deal. She’s the problem not him. She sounds like a nightmare to married to
So when a Yes or No question is asked, the answer should not always start with "Um, I feel like...." While the guy might need to tone it down and be a bit more patient, answering questions directly solves so many communication issues.
With most men, women simply need to communicate in concrete terms. This is hard because to most women "communication" means something like "brainstorming." But concrete communication is most important when you are running a home and have young children (i.e. the most difficult season of a marriage). You can't "feel" your way out of arithmetic.
She avoids conflict- my husband does this- but what happens over time is the person who isn't avoidant starts losing trust. I think people learn this as a child. I've made it known to him and he is telling me more what he wants. It's very hard for him- but I want to know how he feels.
Really good! I love this method Dr. John. Thank you soooooo much!!! All you can control is your own actions and thoughts. I also like the 1 wk meeting. We do an after dinner meeting- how was your day and what's up!? It's only 20 minutes, but really helps! Sometimes I get a foot rub. 😉 Our kids have learned to give us this time. If your kids are small- it can be their media time.
It sounds like he's delegated her to be the house manager and forces her to carry the mental load of planning and executing all plans & he's upset that he isn't included in things he isn't including himself in. If he really wanted the water bottles so badly, he could have gotten them this once. Or why does she have to tell him they kids keep losing the bottles. He has two eyes, and if she's intelligent enough to notice the kids keep losing them, which is costing money, and she can recognize there needs to be a new plan, why isn't he capable of recognizing that too? Why does she need to baby him evey step of the way?
She isn't saying it out loud because she shouldn't have to do all the mental and physical work on her own. If he can notice that the kids need more pants and he has enough time to say something to her, then he has enough time go to pants shopping for the kids at least once. Like it sounds like he notices things and doesn't take the initiative to do anything about it because all the responsibility of mental and physical load of the tasks are assumed onto her.
Even asking her to take responsibility for him yelling, she has to be the one to stop it, she has to be the one to walk away, when he's an adult too and if he wants to be regarded as the "man" or "leader" of the household then he needs to step up and like it and not yell at women and children, but he never will if she keeps taking responsibility for everything and being the one to lead every situation. Like she has to be the man and the woman of the household even though she has a "man".
my husband and I have this issue. I am a type A girl who was raised by a single mom (so she made all the decisions) And sometimes it is hard to find words to describe what I want to do... especially since he works so much! I am bad at communicating but so is my husband in different ways :) we are working on it. He gets mad when I communicate.......and I have to point this out to him. it's hard to communicate when the person you talk to gets upset!
Why is he not sorting out these small problems himself ? Feels like he’s just pointing out to her what needs to be done. I’d be shut down too, what’s the point of him saying that. Either buy the water bottles and tell me “honey I bought new water bottles for the kids” or don’t say anything at all. What a dude
My husband does this to me, it starts a boss-employee relationship, where he delegates all tasks to me and then gets upset when I don’t do it his way. We both work and it causes me a LOT of stress. He is working on being better so I appreciate it.
This helped me too. I dont communicate with my husband when he upset me based on previous relationships. I just think im overreacting and keep silent because thats what i was told
Can you make that a relationship workbook for couples. I've been married over 20 years and would need help with that communication. Having a workbook for both of us to look at would definitely help that part of my relationship.
I'd like to know the suggestion here if the partner follows you out of the room and keeps on going on and on when you've tried to disengage? What can you do when there's no space in your house to retreat to because the partner is determined to prove they're 'right'
Hi Carly WB. I used to do this to my poor wife. She divorced me and I’m sure this very awful behavior was a major reason. I wanted to engage/solve something so bad, but she was tired/hurt/done. I would often follow her back into the bedroom to try to keep talking, and it really hurt and scared her. No safe place in our home. I would encourage you to do what John suggests - calm clear boundary to take a break - you do NOT deserve to be yelled at/disrespected/dragged. BUT, I would also make sure to reconnect with him as a person/friend/wife afterwards. For myself, I was really hurting/lonely behind the anger over the stupid thing. Also, she took to ‘punishing’ me for raising my voice/sarcasm by disengaging fully for 1/2 day, days, or longer. This caused a terrible spiral of me DESPERATELY pursuing her for affection and trying to ‘solve’ random things. God bless you.
@@jackcoleman5955 I am glad that you can recognize this. I think men don't realize how intimidating they can be sometimes. Men are a lot larger and some are more, "dominant" or agressive in manner and speech. While some women are just more "submissive" or cowed by this type of behavior. It may sound strange but we are animals too and react to social ques. We really aren't that much different then dogs in that way. At the same time it must be frustrating and feel hurtful for men when their wife, or partner is shuting down, or shying away when you would never hurt them. (Of course some men do act this way on purpose.) And then since the woman doesn't really feel safe or comfortable not much sex ends up happening. Why would she want intimacy when she if the furthest from feeling loved and respected? And then the Man is even more hurt because he feels rejected when wife doesn't want him sexually. This makes him more aggrivated. And her more anxious. And then it's just like a repeting downward cycle of miscommunication. The thing is though it comes down to trust. Trust is something that has to be earned and maintained. Sure sometimes people have hangups that they need to work through. But if you find yourself as the more 'agressive' or "dominant" partner you may need to work on how you comunicate and express yourself. Exspecially in arguments. You can't change your partner you can only change yourself.
The water bottles are most likely on the floor of your cars. 😊 Also, you can get lots of very nice clothes at Goodwill and Salvation Army stores for very little money. There should be very little strain on the clothing budget if you shop for the kids (and yourself) there! I buy 80% of my clothes there, and get compliments on what I'm wearing practically everyday!
Hmmm. My husband is like that . He says the same thing - “ I was thinking about it . I just didn’t say it out loud”. I used to think he was just making excuses. Well, he has changed for the better and is more expressive .
My husband and I send each other text messages of things that we will need to coordinate together later. This way the other person has a heads-up and doesn't feel like they are Having to deal with a thing while they're in the middle of dealing with a whole bunch of other things. We can decide to the list of things to deal with at a time that makes sense for something to be handled. Some things just get a quick text back and we're good to go. But other things this is just the start of a conversation that is typically finished when we are face-to-face and if necessary after the kids are in bed.
We set aside time after dinner to talk and share. I do like the quick text because it has no emotion related. I don't expect you to solve this right now, rather I'm informing you.
Thank u Dr John for addressing this in such a way I get it. I am the one who feels there’s not enough communication between me and my husband. He has said he feels I don’t give him a voice. He’s also said my tone shuts him down. Immediately I think to myself well u chose to marry me knowing this. Why is it my job to change my behavior and not yours? I get so defensive when he puts the blame on me. I need more help understanding this.
Okay.......this sounds like me. I have ADHD. I get quietly overwhelmed when it comes to remembering menial tasks, if they all pile up. It makes me feel like I don't know how to be a grownup. I've always struggled with concentrating. I have never felt smart or capable, even though I have many gifts pertaining to art and music. I don't know why I'm like this. My husband wants to help me, and he has made so many efforts to understand why I am like this. I always thought I was an over-communicator, but I actually struggle quite a lot, when it comes to communicating why/how/what overwhelms me. It can be really frustrating at times, because what I say and do or don't do comes across as mean, when that was never my intention.
My love language is acts of service...when my husband does the dishes or gets the kids ready to go out or folds laundry...without me asking him to...even when he forgets my birthday I don't care cause he shows me he loves me every day...don't tell me, don't give me a gift...don't need cuddles...just help me lol. Listening to this women talk, kinda foggy, kinda vague...idk...it's work listening to her really lol
Really interesting there could be more to this but also I understand this and for me it’s simply that I am a super busy stay at home mom managing the home and I’m the only adult home until my husband is here…what I’m saying is that all day long I have internal dialogue with myself about what I need to do. ALSO I have processes in place for what the kids need, house hold items etc and my husband is so busy with his own responsibilities that sometimes it feels really hard to explain all my little systems and processes to someone that does know if that makes sense. And my husband is very involved father and husband but it’s these little things that in my head don’t seem necessary to share.
I'm not sure why the love language angle was continued, because to me it is nothing to do with that - good communication is the bare minimum to keep things going, because you can communicate well with people you don't love. This seemed purely about logistical communication
Yes, there is a communication problem because she is inarticulate. I feel for her husband. I tell my husband to please do the dishes while I feed the baby. He does it. I don’t say “um, can you help me out here?” It’s too vague for guys. They want to help, just be clear about it.
Ahhhh… the good ol “what have you been doing all day?” rhetoric lol! The caller is expected to have everything mint from household chores to kids meals to kids clothes and WATER BOTTLES, organised and is a little scared to voice her opinion. If you flip the roles, it’d be like the woman expecting her man to get all the bills paid on the time and just demanding all the financial aspects taken care of straightaway. My only advice is when a lot of women “over communicate” it becomes nagging! Id take note of feedback to see if is 😅
💯 Dr. John is spot on with this one. She sounds like she doesn't even want to try. Maybe the husband could use more patience (we don't know), but she sounds like a hum drum brick wall to try to manage a life with. It would be infuriating to bring up a concern or voice a need and the one person who is supposed to have your back and be on your team goes, "ok" and then dead air.....🤯😵 Some people need to have a plan and know their partner is on board. I like to have a plan for everything with details and updates. I require alot of talking things out, both the plan for the day and the 5-10 year life plan. It's a very important need for me or it's not a safe relationship. I don't want to micromanage anything, I want to know you share my concerns or goals and that you have my back. I want to feel safe in that by knowing exactly how things are going on your end. I'll reciprocate 100%. I think everyone out there that thinks the problem is over a water bottle could not be more wrong. 1000% guarantee she can't make a plan or discuss any kind of goals with him no matter what the importance level is. And I bet she chose to give the water bottle and jeans example because it not only made him look a little silly, but it's probably the only example she can remember because its the one she felt personally called out on. How do you meet your partners needs or get your own needs met if you can't discuss it?
I think you are so spot on! My husband is exactly like this caller and it feels like living with a sandbag. I can imagine her husband yells because he is just so tired of not being able to rely on her. Most likely there are other needs of his that she is not meeting…
Right. Ahe sounds like a nightmare. Hilarious to see everyone commenting how relatable she is. So concerning that so many people live their life like this. What a nightmare. And she has the audacity to blame the husband?
She is 100% the problem,,he is saying we need this or that, she doesnt respond, and in her head she wants to solve the problem with out him, and she doesnt want him involved. Thays why he gets angry over it! She needs to respond and communicate
No she’s not. He’s a demanding and dominating man and has brow beaten her. He makes communication a mine field. No one talks while tip toeing around a mine field.
when i try to walk away from a conversation when my husband is being abusive to me he follows me or wont let me leave the room and he says im disrespecting him
I guess I have a different take on this call. I feel like the husband might be gaslighting her and she just has no idea whether to zig or zag. He sounds like one of those people who has to twist everything to the point where you have no idea what to say that is going to avoid a confrontation, so you just don't say anything. But, that's an issue too because you're not saying anything. Her whole water bottle example might sound ridiculous, but these are the petty little issues that become huge with a gaslighter. It's very difficult to describe interactions with a gaslighter, so it become a series of these little examples that you try to use to make the point. I had a "supervisor" like this. There's no way to work things with a person like that.
My opinion; she wants the kids to learn to be responsible for their water bottles. He sees/thinks well, they don’t have them, so let’s gets some. They’re both right - kids need to learn to be responsible yet they need water bottles for school, sports etc.
The husband asking more/better communication is just a basic necessity of a good relationship. That is not a love language. Acts of service on the other hand would be like noticing your husband is really busy this week so you mow the lawn for him. Or taking his car for a car wash or something.
Maybe they gotta hammer out the budget better. Sounds like it’s a frugality thing vs “we gotta get more water bottles now!” Because men try to fix things
Some people are just loud. I am one of them. If I don't feel like my words are getting through, or I get excited, I get loud. I also need clear assignments.
Toxic. Hear what your girl has to say man. Even if it's not logical. What I learned is part of being married is doing dumb stuff but it makes her happy.
Just listening to this call I can see why there is an issue haha. She didn’t even directly communicate what the issue is… I can empathize a little though. My husband complains about my lack of communication. I admit I can be sort of lazy with communication. Or sometimes I just want to do things my way and don’t want his input ;)
She has a timid personality and is easily overpowerd verbally. Very nonconfrontational. She needs to gain more confidence, but she also needs a partner willing to be very patient and an active listener.
She's un organized and has add I'm the same. When I'm good I clean the house and cook and do my make up and act like wonder woman. When I'm off base I can get unorganized and lazy
This is EXACTLY my problem with my wife. She just doesn't communicate. Doesn't involve me in her plans. eg. she travels and there's no message when boarding, no message when arrives, no updates during the trip, no calls.. just total separation. It's so fkn painful to be part of.
Yeah he said a couple weeks ago on IG live the calls were starting to effect him emotionally and he thinks it due to all the travel, shows, his new book he is doing, and the overall life responsibilities of 2 young kids and a wife.
I think John got more hostile toward the husband than was necessary. She didn't make him sound like a total psycho, but John started treating him like an abusive husband. Nice.
Did you listen to the whole thing? He literally said he thought the husband was being reasonable in his requests. He was just throwing out options to see if he was abusive to try to understand the situation.
I never had water bottles growing up but my wife bought 4 bottles for our 4 little kids because it's FAR easier to have the boys crawl into the van carrying their own bottles than it is to find water when you're out and about. P.S. We've never lost a single bottle.
It sounds like a great thing for s man to seek out communication. He sounds like a husband who is involved.i still do t understand where is the problem
She doesn't say her thought process because she doesn't. I get it. I don't either. I will take care of it, check back later. He doesn't need her to speak her thought process. She can get things done much faster, multitasking, if she doesn't have to talk about it. Just do it.
I don’t see how that would be helpful or useful in a partnered relationship where two people are responsible for the same household/family/priorities. You think that you should just do things without communicating to your partner?
@@elainenilsson5472 That's not the point. Their main issue is lack of communication in general, and it's coming from her end. Her husband has been direct and clear with his request, which is more than reasonable. And she can't get herself to do it. I don't want to say she's strange. There is probably something from her past or an underlying psych issue that prevents her from doing so.
She's a whiner. Back in the day we didn't have 35 water bottles everywhere...or lost. Find the bottles, tell him you need money for new kids clothes and do it. If that doesn't work, do it yourself or get out. But for all that is good and lovely, stop whining.
I use the Cozi app (free version). Both my husband and I can add to lists there. It makes it so much easier. Instead of scolding her, which it sounds like he does, use technology and solve the issue. It keeps communication much cleaner.
I don’t feel safe talking. I always feel like I’m explaining myself. I’ve learned everything I say can and will be used against me
This is what she is actually thinking is my guess.
That describes an abusive relationship
@jodyhenning2128 I get you 🥹❤️
I had a boyfriend like this husband. He would get intense and I’d be a deer in the headlights. If I told him why or whatever then he’d say, “That’s just an excuse”. How can you have a productive conversation about action and motivation honestly when everything you communicate he baits you into an argument over excuses???
@@basantidevi2305 I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
My husband has been pointing out that we need to remove and dispose of our old hot tub. I agree he should. When he says things like this he means me taking care of it. I have a to do list a mile long. He comes home on the weekends and sits on the couch. ??????
I think she has a very timid, non-confrontational personality. She completly shuts down when faced with someone speaking 'agressively' to her. Through most of this Dr John was speaking firmly and she couldn't even get a word in. The more agrivated someone becomes the more she shuts down.
I think they're overanalyzing this. Not sure if this applies to this caller, but women who are taking care of the bulk of childcare and housekeeping are used to multi-tasking on auto-pilot. They aren't likely to feel a need to explain what they're going to do with every task. A husband coming home and announcing that the kids don't have water bottles, or they're outgrowing their clothes, are things she likely already has on her mental list to deal with. Maybe he's saying it in a condescending way, like she's not doing her job, and she resents that a bit. He could possibly communicate better by just asking what he could do to help with whatever the issue might be. Go help the kids look for the bottles, or go buy the jeans. It's not rocket science.
Thank you! This was my impression as well. It sounds like the husband is delegating a lot of these tasks to her and then trying to micromanage her. He should either just buy the freaking water bottles or trust her to take care of it. She sounds like she's burned out.
@@jd5368 Yes, those of us who know that burnt out to a crisp feeling can sense that in her.
Tell me about it. Have not listened but … I agree
She is TIRED. She can’t be bothered to put more stuff on her shoulders and verbalize things, that are one hundreth of what she needs to do. I don’t respond to my husband’s “have you seen my sweater”, I just silently hand it to him, because I am tired of being asked 1000x a day where something is, because he doesn’t even bother to look for something for a minute, he asks it right away and I have to do this for him and the kids without a break and I am TIREEED, so I don’t want to talk.
And maybe if I did, I would shout, which he wouldn’t understand why (why are you yelling, I only need to find my sweater…) and them comes this complain that I don’t communicate this minuscule stuff enough…
I don’t see this “non-communication” as a big problem, because it’s just the small stuff (for me) and I just prefer my silence to wasting more energy on talking about something that makes one thousandth of my day.
No
I wonder how often she's told she's doing a good job as a mom? It's so easy to take those innocent communications as a personal attack that she's not doing her job. That it's something she should already have done. A lot of those little comments can pile up into an unintentional implication that she's not doing enough. No wonder she's not communicating! She thinks she has to do it all herself. Telling him would be an admission of inadequacy and a justification of his yelling. She's so worried she deserves it.
I lived too long shut down like she is. My late husband was a good guy, but our communication was like this. I wish I’d gotten help not being afraid of his yelling, and anger. Our communication was so bad, and I didn’t feel safe.
That's not a good guy actually.....
Good guys don't yell
Nah I know what you mean and just raising his voice just a little bit when your used to a nice quiet home sounds so loud. I married an Italian guy and he is so loud he scares me when he get frustrated especially while driving it sets me off but he’s never done anything and when I ask for help boom he’s there but I’ll think we’re in an argument because he will raise his voice to raise his opinion and he thinks we’re just talking while in my brain he hates me, marriage is over 😂
It's not how long she lived it's more like a personality and attachment style some people are people pleasers and codependent and others are controlling and intimidating
This exactly describes communication issues I had with my ex. I was the one who didn't talk, because he would go on and on and on in response. It wasn't a conversation, it was a monologue.
Is that why you broke up?
At first I thought I hateeee people like her 😂 but now I have more understanding and empathy for why she doesn’t communicate well. Very eye-opening for an over communicator like me. That’s why I love this show. Humanizes everyone.
Communication is a 2 way street just demanding more communication is not helpful. He can go pick up the waterbottles. Just adding more to the todo list. He is pointing out problems and expecting her to be the solution.
Make a To-Do list on the kitchen fridge. When he thinks of bottles, pants, etc he can write it down there and leave it alone. She can address it later when she has time (or he can just figure it out himself).
Sometimes there’s just so much stuff going on - so much stimulus and so much multi tasking - that something minuscule like water bottles doesn’t even make a blip in your brain. It registers, and you store it for later, but you’re doing something else and you can’t be interrupted with yet another stimulus or you won’t get your primary project done.
This so much, dont tell me random stuff at random times, when I am doing something else. Write that down. So obvious.
Omg… I totally understand what she’s saying… I have such a hard time thinking things out loud… I’d rather keep them in my thoughts
At first I wondered if she'd been raised by a control freak or someone who thinks that any statement of an issue is an invitation to be told what to do. It sounds like she's learned to internalise decision making processes to defend her sense of autonomy.
you asked if she was safe, and she responded with he raises his voice sometimes in conversations about stuff he thinks isn't being done that she won't share with him. she thinks he should just be able to see it, almost in the vein of thinking he should just read her mind. his raised voice sounds like it's likely an expression of frustration, not aggression. so her answering that way sounds to me like a dodge, a deflection. ergo, she IS safe to simply say what she's thinking, but she doesn't want to admit it or give up her resistance to it. that's what i'm hearing so far.
He's a micromanaging control freak boss doing all the bossing instead of working and she is an underappreciated employee trying to keep her head down who can't win with him. You can tell she's read a few relationship books on this and is more confused than ever. This isn't a love language issue. He's being abusive by raising his voice and starting fights. She's triggering him by keeping her head down - though can't blame her. Time for couples therapy.
Did you talk to him?
Accurate
@@WillIam79-c7fclearly he delagates but doesnt solve things himself. He wants her saying ,yes sir, right on it sir. Sounds like HE is running their lives as a boot camp.
She is doing all the emotional labour, is overwhelmed and his contributions are to only point out things but not take charge of any of them.
men have been taught if they do that they are misogynistic, so thank you for that
I have a feeling there's more to this. I think she's possibly depressed too
It almost sounds like he’s issuing commands to her and the only way she can push back is by passive-aggressively not doing what he wanted. And a lack of trust in her judgement. Instead of getting all upset, why isn’t he asking her what happened and seeking to understand her better?
No the problem is, he is saying hey this is wrong or we need this, and she doesn't communicate back or agrees, and in her head she can solve the problem on her own and not allow him to help or have the solution
if he sees the problem then he should solve it, She is not his employee.
If a man is dominant he will never be curious and John assumes he wants to be curious. He’s dominating verbally.
He just wants control he doesn't care about where she's coming from or how she feels about a situation
If the father says the kids need pants, he should buy them. Why does the wife have to do everything
Normally husbands don’t go clothes shopping for kids. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a guy shopping in the kids department in the store looking for underwear, socks, pants, etc. I’m sure there are exceptions like the single fathers but it’s rare. Last week, bc I wasn’t feeling well, I did have my husband go shopping for pajamas for our boys because it was pajama day at school the following day 🤷🏾♀️
Every household has their own way of dividing up responsibilities. She probably wants to do it herself because she wouldn’t like his taste in clothes! At least that’s how I’d be ;)
If she's a stay at home mom and he brings in the income, he is technically buying them.
@@MrTmenzo I think they still need to divide some chores. If you outsource all the household administration, I'm sure I'd be more expensive than he's earning.
@@MrTmenzoNope. It’s their money together. They are paying for the clothes, but she is doing the work of buying them.
I often keep all my thoughts in my head too... communication is a struggle. I realize that I get defensive too much as well but sometimes it's also because I don't even tell him what I'm thinking so he doesn't understand that I was actually listening to him because I'm solving it all in my head. Thanks for your advice.
I used to be that way with my husband at times because I had 43 things on my mind at once, and I was tired from working all day, so when he’d tell me about the water bottles I would just agree, without putting any thought into it at the time, then later (like the next day) the water bottle issue would come back to me, I’d think about it and decide what I was going to do. I would tell my husband because, by the time I saw him later, I’d forgotten all about it because it’s not an important issue. And he absolutely did the same thing, he’d forget the issue or forget to get back to me.
We all have hundreds of moving parts in our days and our brains are badly overtaxed. Lots of stuff is forgotten, it’s inevitable. What he and I came up with is that if a topic was important to one of us, we had the responsibility of saying so. “Honey, pay attention, this matters.” It worked wonderfully for us. If it matters, say so at the time it first comes up.
This was very helpful! My husband constantly says he needs more communication
This is my exact situation. It really helped watching this video. I'm going to try the tips dr. John suggested.
It’s hard to say to men there are many other steps to consider for making home decisions. Grocery shopping involves cleaning the fridge, meal planning, taking inventory of food. Not just let’s go the store now.
Did it work
@@christinao8877 True!! Likely, if us women try to explain that type of process in all household tasks, they'd get frustrated listening to the first sentence we utter
Same!!
Sometimes, people don't realize they are getting loud and "yelling". There deminater when they don't think they are being heard they get louder. Pare that with someone who folds in on themselves when conflict arises is difficult to fix. Both need therapy
I don't think this couple is really talking about water bottles at all.
The husband doesn't ask questions so she doesn't give him open dialogue.
Telling someone they should get more water bottles versus asking how she thinks best to handle the bottle situation are 2 different discussions.
True. She probably moves at a much slower pace than he does too
Interesting point.
Lol asking how to handle the water bottle situation? 😂 what? It’s not big of a deal. She’s the problem not him. She sounds like a nightmare to married to
So when a Yes or No question is asked, the answer should not always start with "Um, I feel like...."
While the guy might need to tone it down and be a bit more patient, answering questions directly solves so many communication issues.
With most men, women simply need to communicate in concrete terms. This is hard because to most women "communication" means something like "brainstorming." But concrete communication is most important when you are running a home and have young children (i.e. the most difficult season of a marriage). You can't "feel" your way out of arithmetic.
She avoids conflict- my husband does this- but what happens over time is the person who isn't avoidant starts losing trust. I think people learn this as a child. I've made it known to him and he is telling me more what he wants. It's very hard for him- but I want to know how he feels.
Really good! I love this method Dr. John. Thank you soooooo much!!! All you can control is your own actions and thoughts. I also like the 1 wk meeting. We do an after dinner meeting- how was your day and what's up!? It's only 20 minutes, but really helps! Sometimes I get a foot rub. 😉 Our kids have learned to give us this time. If your kids are small- it can be their media time.
I feel this lady! Totally get it
It sounds like he's delegated her to be the house manager and forces her to carry the mental load of planning and executing all plans & he's upset that he isn't included in things he isn't including himself in. If he really wanted the water bottles so badly, he could have gotten them this once. Or why does she have to tell him they kids keep losing the bottles. He has two eyes, and if she's intelligent enough to notice the kids keep losing them, which is costing money, and she can recognize there needs to be a new plan, why isn't he capable of recognizing that too? Why does she need to baby him evey step of the way?
She isn't saying it out loud because she shouldn't have to do all the mental and physical work on her own. If he can notice that the kids need more pants and he has enough time to say something to her, then he has enough time go to pants shopping for the kids at least once. Like it sounds like he notices things and doesn't take the initiative to do anything about it because all the responsibility of mental and physical load of the tasks are assumed onto her.
Even asking her to take responsibility for him yelling, she has to be the one to stop it, she has to be the one to walk away, when he's an adult too and if he wants to be regarded as the "man" or "leader" of the household then he needs to step up and like it and not yell at women and children, but he never will if she keeps taking responsibility for everything and being the one to lead every situation. Like she has to be the man and the woman of the household even though she has a "man".
my husband and I have this issue. I am a type A girl who was raised by a single mom (so she made all the decisions) And sometimes it is hard to find words to describe what I want to do... especially since he works so much! I am bad at communicating but so is my husband in different ways :) we are working on it. He gets mad when I communicate.......and I have to point this out to him. it's hard to communicate when the person you talk to gets upset!
Why is he not sorting out these small problems himself ? Feels like he’s just pointing out to her what needs to be done. I’d be shut down too, what’s the point of him saying that. Either buy the water bottles and tell me “honey I bought new water bottles for the kids” or don’t say anything at all. What a dude
My husband does this to me, it starts a boss-employee relationship, where he delegates all tasks to me and then gets upset when I don’t do it his way. We both work and it causes me a LOT of stress. He is working on being better so I appreciate it.
@@KatieLHall-fy1hwconsider googling “narcissistic abuse”?
I have the opposite problem...I say everything I think 🤦♀️😅
Awesome
Me too
This is not a problem.
This helped me too. I dont communicate with my husband when he upset me based on previous relationships. I just think im overreacting and keep silent because thats what i was told
Can you make that a relationship workbook for couples. I've been married over 20 years and would need help with that communication. Having a workbook for both of us to look at would definitely help that part of my relationship.
I'd like to know the suggestion here if the partner follows you out of the room and keeps on going on and on when you've tried to disengage? What can you do when there's no space in your house to retreat to because the partner is determined to prove they're 'right'
Hi Carly WB.
I used to do this to my poor wife. She divorced me and I’m sure this very awful behavior was a major reason.
I wanted to engage/solve something so bad, but she was tired/hurt/done. I would often follow her back into the bedroom to try to keep talking, and it really hurt and scared her. No safe place in our home.
I would encourage you to do what John suggests - calm clear boundary to take a break - you do NOT deserve to be yelled at/disrespected/dragged.
BUT, I would also make sure to reconnect with him as a person/friend/wife afterwards. For myself, I was really hurting/lonely behind the anger over the stupid thing. Also, she took to ‘punishing’ me for raising my voice/sarcasm by disengaging fully for 1/2 day, days, or longer. This caused a terrible spiral of me DESPERATELY pursuing her for affection and trying to ‘solve’ random things.
God bless you.
@@jackcoleman5955 I am glad that you can recognize this. I think men don't realize how intimidating they can be sometimes. Men are a lot larger and some are more, "dominant" or agressive in manner and speech. While some women are just more "submissive" or cowed by this type of behavior. It may sound strange but we are animals too and react to social ques.
We really aren't that much different then dogs in that way. At the same time it must be frustrating and feel hurtful for men when their wife, or partner is shuting down, or shying away when you would never hurt them. (Of course some men do act this way on purpose.)
And then since the woman doesn't really feel safe or comfortable not much sex ends up happening. Why would she want intimacy when she if the furthest from feeling loved and respected?
And then the Man is even more hurt because he feels rejected when wife doesn't want him sexually. This makes him more aggrivated. And her more anxious. And then it's just like a repeting downward cycle of miscommunication.
The thing is though it comes down to trust. Trust is something that has to be earned and maintained. Sure sometimes people have hangups that they need to work through.
But if you find yourself as the more 'agressive' or "dominant" partner you may need to work on how you comunicate and express yourself. Exspecially in arguments. You can't change your partner you can only change yourself.
This conversation totally confused me. lol! Except for the communication tips.
The water bottles are most likely on the floor of your cars. 😊 Also, you can get lots of very nice clothes at Goodwill and Salvation Army stores for very little money. There should be very little strain on the clothing budget if you shop for the kids (and yourself) there! I buy 80% of my clothes there, and get compliments on what I'm wearing practically everyday!
Surely she's intelligent enough to have considered looking in the car for the water bottles😉
The bottles and clothes are not the problem in this conversation. The relationship is a mess, and that's where they should start.
This is dumb. Obviously she's smart enough to know where to look for watterbottles. This has nothing to do with knowing where to buy clothes either.
Yes to both
Times the other person has actually been laughing when John reassures them than he’s laughing with them = zero.
Hmmm. My husband is like that . He says the same thing - “ I was thinking about it . I just didn’t say it out loud”. I used to think he was just making excuses. Well, he has changed for the better and is more expressive .
He’s critical and ungrateful. Unwilling to lighten the load for his wife. Not a team mate. Employer/ employee relationship
My husband and I send each other text messages of things that we will need to coordinate together later. This way the other person has a heads-up and doesn't feel like they are Having to deal with a thing while they're in the middle of dealing with a whole bunch of other things. We can decide to the list of things to deal with at a time that makes sense for something to be handled. Some things just get a quick text back and we're good to go. But other things this is just the start of a conversation that is typically finished when we are face-to-face and if necessary after the kids are in bed.
We set aside time after dinner to talk and share. I do like the quick text because it has no emotion related. I don't expect you to solve this right now, rather I'm informing you.
Thank u Dr John for addressing this in such a way I get it. I am the one who feels there’s not enough communication between me and my husband. He has said he feels I don’t give him a voice. He’s also said my tone shuts him down. Immediately I think to myself well u chose to marry me knowing this. Why is it my job to change my behavior and not yours? I get so defensive when he puts the blame on me. I need more help understanding this.
Your attitude doesn’t sound healthy or supportive but you are very self aware which is great.
He's grumpy and she doesn't want to hear it.
Okay.......this sounds like me. I have ADHD. I get quietly overwhelmed when it comes to remembering menial tasks, if they all pile up. It makes me feel like I don't know how to be a grownup. I've always struggled with concentrating. I have never felt smart or capable, even though I have many gifts pertaining to art and music. I don't know why I'm like this. My husband wants to help me, and he has made so many efforts to understand why I am like this. I always thought I was an over-communicator, but I actually struggle quite a lot, when it comes to communicating why/how/what overwhelms me. It can be really frustrating at times, because what I say and do or don't do comes across as mean, when that was never my intention.
My love language is acts of service...when my husband does the dishes or gets the kids ready to go out or folds laundry...without me asking him to...even when he forgets my birthday I don't care cause he shows me he loves me every day...don't tell me, don't give me a gift...don't need cuddles...just help me lol. Listening to this women talk, kinda foggy, kinda vague...idk...it's work listening to her really lol
Really interesting there could be more to this but also I understand this and for me it’s simply that I am a super busy stay at home mom managing the home and I’m the only adult home until my husband is here…what I’m saying is that all day long I have internal dialogue with myself about what I need to do. ALSO I have processes in place for what the kids need, house hold items etc and my husband is so busy with his own responsibilities that sometimes it feels really hard to explain all my little systems and processes to someone that does know if that makes sense. And my husband is very involved father and husband but it’s these little things that in my head don’t seem necessary to share.
I'm not sure why the love language angle was continued, because to me it is nothing to do with that - good communication is the bare minimum to keep things going, because you can communicate well with people you don't love. This seemed purely about logistical communication
The first lady sounds like the husband is criticizing her when he says kids need new water bottles or new jeans
This call is my jam.
Yes, there is a communication problem because she is inarticulate. I feel for her husband.
I tell my husband to please do the dishes while I feed the baby. He does it. I don’t say “um, can you help me out here?” It’s too vague for guys. They want to help, just be clear about it.
Ahhhh… the good ol “what have you been doing all day?” rhetoric lol! The caller is expected to have everything mint from household chores to kids meals to kids clothes and WATER BOTTLES, organised and is a little scared to voice her opinion. If you flip the roles, it’d be like the woman expecting her man to get all the bills paid on the time and just demanding all the financial aspects taken care of straightaway.
My only advice is when a lot of women “over communicate” it becomes nagging! Id take note of feedback to see if is 😅
he is micromanaging her, and minor gaslighting her as clueless
She’s not making any sense. I get emotionally immature and bot self aware vibes
I can’t imagine being with such a fragile partner
dude see himself as her CEO subtle gaslighting
That’s exactly right.
💯 Dr. John is spot on with this one.
She sounds like she doesn't even want to try. Maybe the husband could use more patience (we don't know), but she sounds like a hum drum brick wall to try to manage a life with. It would be infuriating to bring up a concern or voice a need and the one person who is supposed to have your back and be on your team goes, "ok" and then dead air.....🤯😵
Some people need to have a plan and know their partner is on board. I like to have a plan for everything with details and updates. I require alot of talking things out, both the plan for the day and the 5-10 year life plan. It's a very important need for me or it's not a safe relationship. I don't want to micromanage anything, I want to know you share my concerns or goals and that you have my back. I want to feel safe in that by knowing exactly how things are going on your end. I'll reciprocate 100%.
I think everyone out there that thinks the problem is over a water bottle could not be more wrong. 1000% guarantee she can't make a plan or discuss any kind of goals with him no matter what the importance level is. And I bet she chose to give the water bottle and jeans example because it not only made him look a little silly, but it's probably the only example she can remember because its the one she felt personally called out on. How do you meet your partners needs or get your own needs met if you can't discuss it?
I think you are so spot on! My husband is exactly like this caller and it feels like living with a sandbag. I can imagine her husband yells because he is just so tired of not being able to rely on her. Most likely there are other needs of his that she is not meeting…
Right. Ahe sounds like a nightmare. Hilarious to see everyone commenting how relatable she is. So concerning that so many people live their life like this. What a nightmare. And she has the audacity to blame the husband?
I think she is like "ok if it needs done..do it..don't tell me while I'm in the middle of something espe condescendingly."
Maybe?
She is 100% the problem,,he is saying we need this or that, she doesnt respond, and in her head she wants to solve the problem with out him, and she doesnt want him involved.
Thays why he gets angry over it! She needs to respond and communicate
No she’s not. He’s a demanding and dominating man and has brow beaten her. He makes communication a mine field. No one talks while tip toeing around a mine field.
when i try to walk away from a conversation when my husband is being abusive to me he follows me or wont let me leave the room and he says im disrespecting him
Same.
I guess I have a different take on this call. I feel like the husband might be gaslighting her and she just has no idea whether to zig or zag. He sounds like one of those people who has to twist everything to the point where you have no idea what to say that is going to avoid a confrontation, so you just don't say anything. But, that's an issue too because you're not saying anything. Her whole water bottle example might sound ridiculous, but these are the petty little issues that become huge with a gaslighter. It's very difficult to describe interactions with a gaslighter, so it become a series of these little examples that you try to use to make the point. I had a "supervisor" like this. There's no way to work things with a person like that.
She doesn't talk. Did you listen?
I had a boyfriend like this dude and you are 100% spot on. He dominates and shifts blame.
@@WillIam79-c7fshe talks slower because he gaslights her and she’s afraid.
My opinion; she wants the kids to learn to be responsible for their water bottles. He sees/thinks well, they don’t have them, so let’s gets some. They’re both right - kids need to learn to be responsible yet they need water bottles for school, sports etc.
Anyone know the link to this entire episode??
The husband asking more/better communication is just a basic necessity of a good relationship. That is not a love language. Acts of service on the other hand would be like noticing your husband is really busy this week so you mow the lawn for him. Or taking his car for a car wash or something.
Maybe they gotta hammer out the budget better. Sounds like it’s a frugality thing vs “we gotta get more water bottles now!” Because men try to fix things
I love being single
@ what is the purpose of watching these shows if this is all that you comment?
Are these people calling from the 1950's?? Wth No guy is going to be yelling at me about anything sorry. Go buy more bottles yourself.
Some people are just loud. I am one of them. If I don't feel like my words are getting through, or I get excited, I get loud. I also need clear assignments.
bingo! Dr,
Whenever I hear a woman stating "I feel like" I instantly believe it's based on emotions, without logically addressing the problem.
Toxic. Hear what your girl has to say man. Even if it's not logical. What I learned is part of being married is doing dumb stuff but it makes her happy.
Just because they use “I feel” doesn’t mean there isn’t a logical problem. Remember, ladies usually soften the blow (for whatever reasons)
Logic says he sees a problem he fixes it, himself.
Just listening to this call I can see why there is an issue haha. She didn’t even directly communicate what the issue is… I can empathize a little though. My husband complains about my lack of communication. I admit I can be sort of lazy with communication. Or sometimes I just want to do things my way and don’t want his input ;)
She has a timid personality and is easily overpowerd verbally. Very nonconfrontational. She needs to gain more confidence, but she also needs a partner willing to be very patient and an active listener.
he is blaming her for their kid careless. bet he razzes her about any spending unless he ordains it
She's un organized and has add
I'm the same. When I'm good I clean the house and cook and do my make up and act like wonder woman. When I'm off base I can get unorganized and lazy
This is EXACTLY my problem with my wife. She just doesn't communicate. Doesn't involve me in her plans. eg. she travels and there's no message when boarding, no message when arrives, no updates during the trip, no calls.. just total separation. It's so fkn painful to be part of.
Hes asking you to communicate but tell him to stop being patronising and raising his voice.
This lady needs to learn communication skills from the very basics.
i can always tell when John is burnt out
Hate to say it but you're off of this one again buddy.
Yeah he said a couple weeks ago on IG live the calls were starting to effect him emotionally and he thinks it due to all the travel, shows, his new book he is doing, and the overall life responsibilities of 2 young kids and a wife.
talking makes me tired.
I think John got more hostile toward the husband than was necessary. She didn't make him sound like a total psycho, but John started treating him like an abusive husband. Nice.
Did you listen to the whole thing? He literally said he thought the husband was being reasonable in his requests. He was just throwing out options to see if he was abusive to try to understand the situation.
This relationship is in the danger zone. Communication is key to a successful marriage.
Why exactly do kids have to have water bottles? lol...I never had one.
Most likely, the parents don’t want him to drink dirty tapwater.
@@sweetstorm7652 My GOD...my parents drank it, I drank it, we all lived to ripe old ages...but hey, buy the kids more candy because it's safe.
The caller is from Flint, MI
That says it all
They live in Flint. Have you just crawled out from a rock?
I never had water bottles growing up but my wife bought 4 bottles for our 4 little kids because it's FAR easier to have the boys crawl into the van carrying their own bottles than it is to find water when you're out and about.
P.S. We've never lost a single bottle.
He bait and swirfched her.. this is a precursor to becoming gas lit. Get out now. She needs to get on with a more even keel man.
It sounds like a great thing for s man to seek out communication. He sounds like a husband who is involved.i still do t understand where is the problem
She doesn't say her thought process because she doesn't. I get it. I don't either. I will take care of it, check back later. He doesn't need her to speak her thought process. She can get things done much faster, multitasking, if she doesn't have to talk about it. Just do it.
I don’t see how that would be helpful or useful in a partnered relationship where two people are responsible for the same household/family/priorities. You think that you should just do things without communicating to your partner?
@@Daim_0nic It doesn't take 2 people to get water bottles or pants.
@@elainenilsson5472 That's not the point. Their main issue is lack of communication in general, and it's coming from her end. Her husband has been direct and clear with his request, which is more than reasonable. And she can't get herself to do it. I don't want to say she's strange. There is probably something from her past or an underlying psych issue that prevents her from doing so.
@@bonjoursophie Then let him go get the pants and please don't bogg me down with the flippin details. Seriously, handle it!
@@bonjoursophie Perhaps she gave some bad examples, lol
Can you stop yelling? Simply said
Kinda dumb one
I hate all this love language stuff! Lol. Stick with astrology.
Lol
😂😂😂😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
U are listening to the wrong show … a lot of us need to hear this and I’m thankful for his show and all the callers
She's a whiner. Back in the day we didn't have 35 water bottles everywhere...or lost. Find the bottles, tell him you need money for new kids clothes and do it. If that doesn't work, do it yourself or get out. But for all that is good and lovely, stop whining.
She lives in Flint, Michigan. The waterbottles are likely a necessity.
First
I use the Cozi app (free version). Both my husband and I can add to lists there. It makes it so much easier. Instead of scolding her, which it sounds like he does, use technology and solve the issue. It keeps communication much cleaner.
She's the opposite of my wife - she says everything she thinks and then wonders why I can't figure out that she's not talking to me.
Kinda dumb one