I'm the son of a dad that was like that, the guy that only brings a paycheck and doesn't want to deal with anything else. And it sucked, I needed a father, someone to be more involved in my life, give me advice, teach me how to be a man. He himself was more of a child than I was. And no that is not acceptable. Don't get married if you are not ready to be responsible for a family.
@@Bucephalus84 It's an eastern culture where I am from, all dads stick around to take care of their kids, and then when he's old, I'm expected to take care of him(which I am) it's not entirely selfless it's a retirement plan. He complained all the way through(complaining comes in our genes) I once asked him why did he get married at all, and his answer was "because I was told that I should"
@@Bucephalus84 Honestly? That's the bare minimum in my eyes. A child needs both, a caring mother and a caring father. Plenty of boys are becoming miserable men wishing their fathers taught them something, or spent more time with them. Many women sit at a psychologist, talking about their (failed) relationships with their mothers. The same's happening to boys regarding their fathers.
*don't HAVE KIDS if you aren't ready to be responsible for a family. It's 2023, and plenty of people get married for love and reasons beyond having kids. Stop assuming everyone who gets married plans to or should plan to have kids.
If I work full time and he works full time we both take equal responsibility for the household and child raising. It's called being a grown up and supporting your family's wellbeing.
@Arwyn Do single mums often stay married and continue to live with their husbands? If so I think that would put them in the unhappily married category rather than the single mum category. This caller was discussing being married, albeit unhappily, She wasn't saying she was a single mum.
This women has no concept of what a bay needs. She works full time, He’s out there dealing with horrible people in the community. She is blind and self centered. Stay home & be nurturing Mom & wife. He’ll warm up soon enough!
And she will want him to continue to support her and the kids. Women hate the “just a paycheck” men, but they will be damned before they give up his paycheck. 😂😂😂
Had this talk with my husband who was useless for over 14 years. Only thing that made him change was telling him I want a divorce bc no father is better than a shitty father. When he realized I meant it, he changed 180. Alot of people will do as little as possible if they can get away with it.
So frustrating that it takes threatening divorce bc basically that 180 change shows that they had it in them the whole time but they just didn’t care enough to do it before then. 🤦🏼♀️
It also shows how they will go right back to their selfish ways as soon as they feel they can get away with it. They only temporarily change to keep their victims around@@CairynJay
Yeah you were able to make that threat because the legal system is a joke and you could take half of his resources in perpetuity while going and doing whatever you want.
Cops work 3 to 4 days a week long shifts like nurses. I have 6 cops in our family. They cook, take kids to games, and pretty involved. He is slacking. Two adults working full time with kids under 5 years old is hard.
Here in Central Florida I know of no LEO'S that work 3-4 day wk shifts. Maybe we are very short-staffed? I have lots in our family& they are always working 5-6days wk. They do try to be as involved as can be in their family life.
I have cops in my family. They are all capable of empathy and helping out for the greater good. A cop devoid of those two characteristics.... is scary.
Exactly. I have a brother who is a cop and I know him as a cop and brother and see him how he is as a father and husband and honestly I admire him for how he is as a father/husband. He can blur the lines of brother and cop at times but I've learned to look past that and accept that at least he is being an amazing father and husband to his family. He coaches for his sons sports teams. He makes sure his wife is taken care of. His wife got sepsis(sp?) And he left work early to get her to the hospital and stayed with her. I love that about him. He knows his job is serious but his family is more important to him.
There's a much higher risk of US police abusing their partner in the home. I read somewhere they're 40% more likely to abuse their partner, although how accurate that figure is, I'm not sure.
@@instanoodles I hope I can dodge getting married far better than the caller's husband did. The opposite of dodging a bullet is jumping in front of one, which might be what he did when he chose to get married.
@@KrystleLaughter Not necessarily true. I speak from experience (having witnessed my 'friend' haha) that a marriage can go for years without intimacy, yet no cheating.
When young men aren’t raised doing their own laundry, clean up in the kitchen, and are raised with mom doing it all for them…..they aren’t self sufficient. The needs of others just don’t occur to them.
My husband was actually raised that way, he help with his younger siblings, knew how to cook(good enough for his age) did other chores around the house all the time… and now he does the same things the caller’s husband does, meaning NOTHING but bring home the check 🤷🏻♀️
Wrong. Grew up, spoiled, and never have to lift a finger. Had parents who never spent time with me. Always at work. Was told to get a job year yound at 15 in HS. Get out by 18. Married 23 years with 11 year olds. I do most of the cleaning in the house and laundry.
Yeah he’s my favorite team member aside from Dave. I really like how he conducts his show, his tone, the balance of seriousness and humor.. really really good show.
The fact he doesn't even want to hug or kiss her says everything we need to know....he's fallen out of love with this woman, which is a sad sad reality that must be realized on her part. That's it...
exactly... if i had a husband that acted this way i would immediately accuse him of cheating or be like you dont love me anymore its not working and i need to find my happiness
Love is a choice and an action, not a feeling. The initial infatuation ebbs and flows, but it’s his job to actively love his wife in how he treats and cares for her no matter how he feels that day. People bounce from new relationship to new relationship to try and keep that initial feeling going, but it’s about putting in the work not some imaginary soulmate. This is wisdom from many couples I know, including my parents, who are very happy after 40+ years together. Don’t be a quitter.
@@cathyl7944 Yes but the MAJOR red flag is that he 's uncomfortable with just hugging/kissing her. He is actively and continuously choosing to NOT love her, and doesn't want to do anything to show that he loves her. Seems that he has absolutely 0 interest in making this relationship work.
Cathy L, that’s the most ridiculous thing that Love is a choice, and not a feeling. If that were true, anyone could marry anyone and be happy with them. One may choose to act in a loving way to anyone, but for an intimate long-term relationship, one must have feelings of love, affection, desire, and attraction to their partner. Sometimes we don’t feel any of these, but we know it’s temporary, and we do still love our partner, but if you don’t feel any of these emotions for a long time, then you can’t force yourself to want someone.
You can’t save a marriage by yourself. It takes two to make an effort, or else the one making all the effort ends up burning out, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s extremely damaging to that person if it’s all give and no one is giving back to you. She needs her energy for her baby, herself, and her job. There is not much left after that to spend on an unresponsive and cold spouse. That neglect will drain her faster. It’s very sad.
The advice that she should stop "nagging" him and have empathy is so shortsided. She's not an endless well of empathy for herself, the child, and the adult man.
Laziness is a big problem with marriages. Being the main bread winner in my marriage we separate bills based on how much we can pay so inherently I get the brunt of the bills. That being said we both work full time, not one works harder than the other and we know each other’s love languages. She gives me hugs and stuff and I give her the words of affirmation and the gifts. But the share of home cleaning and everything is split between us becuz we have a team mentality. Team mentality is the key to marriage emotionally physically spiritually and economically. When I see her debt I see it as our debt. Early on she would say “I feel bad cuz it’s ur money” but once the team mentality was instilled it became our money. We r down to just the mortgage and 5k left on our car.
Aww that’s awesome ! My husband and I just got married. It’ll be a year this March. We don’t have any children but so far we split stuff. I love it ❤️ in my opinion it’s about being a real and never giving up even through the rough patches.
This is what happens when both parents are stretched to the max. I have no idea how people raise children when they both work full time. Especially when they're in two of the most stressful positions in this particular day and age.
Who was it that didn’t want to stay home to take care of the kids and wanted to be equal to man or better yet strong and independent and now everyones trapped. Not that theres anything wrong with being strong and independent, but somebody's got to make a sacrifice for the children. And if its the men that takes care of the kids then hes useless cause hes jobless or the women will see themselves as better since she’s the one bringing the bacon home. But if its the women then she complains that he isn't making enough. So she goes to work and now she takes care of everything plus her job. and we end up trapped as the kids get thrown off to daycare if the grandparents aren’t around.
Yup. Something’s gotta give. There’s no one taking care of the hearth-and-home, warm, safe place to come home to. Two full-time high-pressure jobs in the household is a recipe for divorce.
@@garljr that can be fixed by the man communicating to a woman who is actually caring if he wants to be stay at home. Any combination of who stays home vs. who works how much is fine as long as the couple is in sync. daycare is a scam though
That I agree, but do you really think that’s the majority? Most people will take the easy way out for divorce. But yes, it can work, I just don’t think that’s the majority these days. I could be wrong though.
I'm honestly sick of hearing that men can't be held accountable without coddling them. She works even more than him and takes on more responsibility. He needs to just man up and help her and set his ego aside. Police officer or not!
He could be deeply depressed. Have you ever considered approaching things with compassion and understanding rather than the misandrist goto of "hE nEeDs tO jUsT mAn uP". Probably things people heard just before they noped out of life. You're also hearing a one-sided version of the story.
@@ydoucare55 it's not ok for depressed adults to just neglect their children and household duties without getting help. And there is no amount of empathy on the wife's side that will help the man make the choice to get better.
Yet women need to be perpetually coddled? Forget the legal system which is already outrageously protective of women. John literally has a show where he told a disabled vet to stay with his depressed psycho wife who pulled a gun infront of his kids. While later in the show he told a wife that she might have to leave her fat lazy stay at home dad of a husband. If that isn’t bias and coddling I don’t know what is.
@@ydoucare55 Mom's struggle with deep depression as well. You can't just not do what your suppose to when mental illness comes in. The husband in the story refuses help and avoids his support structure and it seems like he is simply just lazy and unaccountable.
The sad part is if he would just step up and be an equal partner the cycle WOULD stop. She would stop being so “critical” etc but it’s SO OFTEN only the woman who a)is even TRYING to fix things and b) the onus is almost always put on HER to fix the issue. But if she stops asking it’s not like he’s going to start magically doing those things. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.
The "nagging" is actually just direct and honest communication. At some point she got too exhausted to dance around his feelings and just started telling him what she needs. And his reaction to that tells her all she needs to know.
And one day she stops nagging because she stops caring. And he thinks cool. And then she ask for divorce and he complains....she just left me and I do not know why. 😂
Well, this is useless advice. Not only that but you’re telling her to stay in a toxic relationship. This is disgusting. You should not be giving this advice out.
@@auroramothergoddess yes but just like how Dave is a financial advisor and tells you about local people you can work with long term. We need something in place on the mental health end. You can call into the show for one time help but it won't fix your life forever.
Single dad here. For me personally, raising a kid isn't just easy, it's fun! I haven't had a tv in 10yrs and never had video games so we go hiking, kayaking, biking and other outdoor stuff. You know what's hard, being a day laborer.
@@DHFlip18 so are you a stay at home dad or a pick the kid up after school or day care/after school prpgram, has done the brunt of raising the kid for the day dad?😶
@@CrystalM1917 Nope, I work full time but unconventional schedule I suppose. I've had occasional help from my parents but rare, no tv means I have time to focus instead of being distracted. And yes, he's in middle school and I pick him up afterwards. I am the after school 😆
Why would it be any different if she was at home? Are we not a family with responsibilities and needing to both put 100% into this?! You know childrearing is a full time job? We just dont sit around all day on social media twiddling our thumbs wasting our husbands money and our time?! The more kids you have the more work at home, even if you stay home and the kids go to school when older. If you homeschool, you are educating and having to constantly pick up/ do chores because the kids are there with you almost 24/7 (barring outside activities). We have forgotten in society how useful and hard working our stay at home moms were before they all went to work. Now they are all exhausted after working full time and still expected to be mom too and a wife. And we wonder why marriage struggles, mental health issues and dissatisfied feelings have risen so much!
Even so, being a mom never stops. They don’t go to dad with their emotional problems just like they prefer to play with dad over mom. The science is in. Her job is 24/7. She’s on-call. They probably don’t even feel safe waking dad up after they had a nightmare.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 if you were staying at home you should be capable of doing it all in the time he's at work... Stop acting like it is a 24/7 nonstop job because it's not.
I feel for her. My ex checked out too and developed this mentality that OUR relationship would improve if only I changed. That was it for me-it takes 2 to fight for a marriage. If both aren’t willing to dig in, it’s over or you will live in a miserable existence like John described.
@@efandmk3382 Are you one of those woman-haters? I bet you wouldn't respond that way if a man had made the comment OP did. I always see so many woman haters in the comments nowadays, worse than feminists.
@@littleripper312 nothing in his or her comment was hateful. Maybe you need to stop projecting your own feelings. John's comments were on point that both partners are a part of the relationship. It's not good or bad, it is what it is. But just wishing the other person changes enough to fix the relationship is not part of any solution IMO.
Romantic love will not necessarily continue at the same intensity forever. Real life steps in. I would not make that strong a statement. We are only getting a snapshot from one perspective.
The best thing she can do is to start living her life for herself and to stop begging for help and affection. My husband and I went through this, and the only way he started turning towards me was by me stopping the begging, nagging, and asking and by acting as though I was living my life just for me without being vindictive towards my husband. Once he saw that I wasn’t going to sit around and beg anymore and nag, he knew he needed to make a change or he’d lose me.
It's past time to have a conversation about why he reacts to her attempts to warmly greet his arrival with disgust and eye-rolling. It's like he hates her.
...it takes two willing people to make a marriage work. Being emotionally unavailable to your wife and family..that’s not a marriage. If he’s not willing to do the work.. leave
@@rattlehead999 she will invest much more in the child, than the child support he pays. and her good time of life will be spent on a child from a person she does not love. So I am against divorces generally, since the burden on women becomes more after it.
A wise therapist once said, “ When one person changes in the relationship, the other has no choice but to change as well.” One can’t use the same tactics on the other person who has changed. It makes your partner think differently and sometimes that’s enough to push things forward but not necessarily with the outcome that you wanted. Life isn’t about what I want it’s about what I need.
That's what I said. If she insists on working, they need to spend the money on buying time. A housekeeping service, a shopping service, send the laundry out. etc.
@@cloudedcolour5329 the alternative is somebody needs to cut hrs. The child who didn't ask to be in this situation needs to be raised loved and take care of. If she doesn't want to stay home that's fine and if he doesn't want to cut hrs then somebody's got to do something . Day care and after school programs can't raise a child....and cutting back on expenses will take care of the pay cut. Alot of ppl claim they can't afford for someone to stay home but that's bc they are spending money on stuff they don't need.
@@ah5589 If you want the truth, yes, yes I did. I absolutely noticed, even at a very young age. I yearned and craved for my father’s love and attention the majority of my years growing up. When I was very young, I knew there was a very big difference between the way my mother treated me and the way my father treated me, I knew I craved his love and attention, but at first I just assumed that was how all dads were. But then I started going to friend’s houses, and I discovered that wasn’t the case. It immediately slapped me in the face that everyone else’s dads cared about them, took interest in them, showed them through words and actions that he loved them, and were heavily involved in their life. It was hurtful and painful, still even now as a 29 year old, with my father no longer alive (and me having no contact with him for three years prior to his death). The wounds of knowing your parent never really loved you run deep. I didn’t really talk about it much as a child, and held a lot in. For me, it manifested itself into extreme (and often unhealthy) perfectionism. I think I thought on some level that if I was perfect enough, never got in trouble, always got straight A’s, and always did the right thing, that maybe he would care enough to notice me, but he never did. Granted, I think that path was probably better than going the opposite direction in order to try to get attention, but it still wasn’t healthy, and is something I still struggle with. BUT, the biggest thing that helped me, was my mother’s love and constant presence in my life. Because of her, I knew what genuine unconditional love from a parent truly looked like and felt like. Because of her, I had a safe person to turn to at all times, who I could trust wholeheartedly with anything. Because of her, there was ALWAYS someone on the sidelines cheering me on in life, even if my father wasn’t beside her. While nothing can truly replace the love of both a father and a mother, she tried her hardest to come as close to loving me enough for the both of them that she possibly could. I don’t know what I would have done or who I would have become without her. I thank God for her daily. She is still my very best friend, and always will be. What my father did to me in my life will always hurt, and I’m sure your kids feel that hurt as well. Neglect from a parent is extremely painful, and children, even young children who may not fully understand everything, feel that pain and recognize that absence. That’s just the reality of it. But what matters is that your children have at least one parent who is 100% present and active in their life. They NEED to learn and be shown that they are worthy of genuine unconditional love (as a VERB and not just as a word that gets spoken), and the biggest way we all learn that is through our parents as children. Be there for them. Be their number one. Be the one on the sidelines cheering them on. Be the one who supports them through the good and the bad. Be the one they feel comfortable turning to about anything, keep that line of communication open, and always answer their every question immediately with 100% honesty. If not, they will go searching in the wrong places for those answers. Be their safe place, and let them know that any emotion they have is ok, and that it is ok to openly express their emotions to you. And if you haven’t already, please seek out a counselor for them to talk to. You’ll never fully be able to replace their other parent, but you do have the capability to teach them the tools and provide them with the unconditional love necessary to grow up into healthy and happy adults. I wish you and your children the very best. May God bless you and provide you with strength and direction to be the best parent you can be! 🙏🏻💕🌻
She’s pulling more weight than he is and she doesn’t have the capacity to respect him as a true provider protector. He has to pay the price to be the kind of man who deserves the type of treatment he’s desiring.
I’m sorry. Don’t know if this would help at all... one practical thing I do. For me, asking in a gentle, neutral tone for him to do one small, well-defined task helps. “I’m busy making soup so we can eat before we have to leave. I also need to change the baby’s diaper right now. Could you please chop this onion for me?” Almost always my husband will take me up on it even if he initially didn’t want to. As he is chopping he will realize that I have a lot to do. It keeps us communicating and moving in a good direction.
This is how I do it too. My husband often scoffs about it like I'm the bad guy but he usually does it. I just hope it's not causing more strain thinking I'm nagging him. It feels like you just can't win
The wife seems a reasonable person who can calmly line up her needs. She also showed good communication skills. A husband who works in law enforcement is not a typical guy. If I were the wife I would start creating tables (sort of routine checks) with all that needs to be done, the time estimated and who does that. Then review that with the husband, sum up the results and see who does what
Guarantee you he has always been this way. My husband and I both work. I thought my husband would change and I have accepted that he will never contribute to the chores like I do. I stopped doing his laundry and serving him dinner and he is a okay with it. His version of making dinner is buying takeout food and that’s okay with me!!! The moment I accepted that he was (kinda of) lazy I was happier. Marriage got better too. I joke with him and I tell him that I am saving for a retirement home when I’m old so someone will finally take care of me.
@@deborahmeek6529 there's some things that benefit everyone, but there's also things that only benefit him. Setting boundaries makes that clearer. If you stop doing things that only benefit him what's he going to do? It will reveal his character. Also at what age are you going to get your children to take responsibility for themselves? You're both setting an example to your kids about person responsibly. If he's not pulling his weight with the kids then you need to be pragmatic - start adding up those "15 hours" difference, & his parenting responsibilities, but also discuss your individual needs for "me time".
@@deborahmeek6529 we both work 40 hours and make almost the same in wages. Honestly what keeps me sane is that my kids pick up after themselves. My husband does yard work. I think toddlers really stress some people out because they need 24 hour attention. During those ages people really need to set boundaries and as they get older you have to give your kids chores to keep your sanity. I have a lot of days that I do things on my own and that is very important to me. Walk the neighborhood, go get coffee. I will take 2 hours off to just have coffee with a friend it is important to have boundaries just like Lynette said.
@@sonyadeantonio You make the same but do you contribute the same financially... Who is paying the majority of the bills? Is it your husband or is it 50/50.... If it is 50/50 than he is lazy at cleaning... That happens regardless of gender
Man I'm disappointed in the advice he gave. Don't give this guy a pass because he's an officer. He's not devoted to his family which should come first. He doesn't get a pass for being a lazy husband, straight up.
I understand your dissatisfaction because it feels lopsided but he's not wrong. You can't change someone else no matter how much you wish it. But also I feel like John has a soft spot for LEO. It makes me wonder how it would go if the LEO component were taken away. I feel like WE would feel better about it had he said "love him through it but then if no changes happen then make some demand or pack your bags". Whatever, but at least somewhere to go if it fails or some coping strategies.
What helps most in such situations is to take paid help for house work and child care...that would help the woman to be a bit relaxed and would get some time in her life to think and have some energy to plan further to deal with the crisis better...hope she has the budget to do it if not long time atleast temporarily...
She shouldn’t have to exhaust herself out for a man that won’t make any effort for the relationship. He won’t even kiss her 🥴 if he wants to be alone let him
Not giving your own child love and attention shows a HUGE disconnect. Emotional maturity is needed here, not belly button gazing. Men aren’t men unless they GROW UP.
My ex was like that. But he was on drugs too. Eventionaaly I couldn't even get a hug from him. He was completely useless, financially, emotionally and practically. Now I have been with a man who hugs, loves and works his ass off for his family. And is emotionally available. I feel like going to give him a foot massage now. We have been together over 10 years and we have three kids, two of them are from my ex and he takes care of them too and has basically raised them too.
This situation shouldn't be about the battle of the sexes but of loving your spouse enough to want to help them out by doing their fair share in the house work and the raising of their child. The fact that the caller is calling in for help tells me that she cares about her marriage and wants advice on how to make it better. She is tired, frustrated and just wants her husband to help out. I find it sad that some people, be it male or female think it's ok to let their spouse do everything. That's not love. I hope this couple can get the help they need especially for the sake of their child.
I agree with you for sure, it shouldn't be characterized as the battle of the sexes... that makes very little sense especially for a marriage that's a partnership, plus the wife is fighting for her marriage not against her husband.
100% agree because this is the situation I’m in. My husband is in the military and only comes home to play games. I’m pregnant with our 3rd child and he just doesn’t seem to care to even help with the kids. I feel like I’m going to be miserable like his mother is. She’s basically in the same situation so no wonder I am.
Exactly, it's about selfishness and laziness, and it makes me scared to get married and have kids, because what if he's a liar and irresponsible or selfish? But it does need positivity and bravery to face the unknown, while also trying our best to know the person before marriage
My wife and I both work full time and make a good living. We decided early on that we needed to outsource chores so that we could spend our time enjoying ourselves and our child. So we have someone who cleans and order takeout most nights.
My husband is the same way. I knew I couldn’t change him so I changed myself. I feel like we are on a more equal playing field now. I cut back from full time to part time. I take care of home/ meals/kid. He works full time. We are both able to have downtime and time for our hobbies. We are both able to parent, and we are able to schedule an occasional date night which is more important to me than it is for him. I just couldn’t “do it all” anymore so I stopped and our whole family has benefited. We have a more relaxed atmosphere at home. It is possible to change the dynamic in the home. I hope this helps.
Acting like a wife at home doesn't solve all issues if it's the guys fault. Stop pinning issues all on women. Sometimes it's the guy. Sometimes even when the wife is doing her part, he is selfish.
Don't have kids... your kids would have an absent father, and you wouldn't have a partner or any help. There's no point in having a spouse and still basically being a single parent
Maintaining a home and raising children is a lot longer than a standard work day. About 15 hours a day for the home and raising children. When both parents are working which is every single two parent household as even if one is at home they’re still filling an essential role.. 5pm doesn’t end responsibilities for the day. That doesn’t mean people cannot relax but when there’s not a healthy balance one person could end up working 15 hours a day while the other is working 9 instead of everyone working together to have a happy life, clean space and healthy children. So mom comes home and continues her day into the evening and dad comes home and does his thing. It causes resentment and serious serious marriage issues.
Same thing happens if mom is a stay at home mom too. Man can’t check out then either. Everyone needs down time no matter what their “job” or where it is at. If one is doing all the housework and childcare with no break in sight, it will cause exhaustion and resentment as the other person sits and checks out. Parents need to take turn taking breaks!
This sounds exactly like my more than 2 decade year marriage. He would never do counseling and always said things were all my fault and I had problems. My husband then had an affair and divorced me recently. get help now!
This is my story almost exactly. 7 years later, 3 kids. Still doesn't do anything other than provide paycheck. We're now separated 7 months and he continues his pattern of covert narcissistic emotional and verbal abuse towards me and the kids. Set boundaries!
This is none of my business and therefore you have no obligation whatsoever to answer any of these questions. I do wonder though in these situations what was the relationship like prior to having kids or a full-time job?
@@maam-yj8ph He had the same job prior to marriage and kids, but he was never like this. In fact, he appeared to be responsible, did household chores, held a stable job, lied about the state of his finances, lied about his ambitions, lied about a lot of things. Quite the deceiver. It all changed when it couldn't be all about him anymore. When I was pregnant he started behaving more like a child and escaping physically and mentally, becoming verbally and emotionally abusive when deep conversations happened. Constantly plays the victim, tells me that even though I'm the one who handles finances, bills, children, everything in the home, doctors appointments etc, he deserves the "rest". Then it goes in a cycle. He improves because I'm hurt and upset, it gets better, stays calm for a time, then it's slowly creeps back again. Neverending.
This is why I am sooooo thankful to stay home with the kids because my husband makes (barely) enough so I don’t have to work. I handle everything at home and so when he gets home he doesn’t do anything. He deserves to come home to a stress free home. And I have nothing to nag him about because I handle everything around the house. I can’t imagine working and trying to be a mom and a homemaker. It sounds like an inevitable disaster unless you have a nanny and house cleaner.
I’m surprised at all the hate on the caller. One of my best friends had a useless husband too and she put up with it for years. Heck he didn’t always contribute a pay check. She did everything. By the time he realized she was done it was too late. He chipped away at her feelings for him and she divorced him. I watched it as I was friends with him too. It’s sad but I can see her side. If he won’t help she needs to hire Someone to help with housework whether he likes it or not. And he’s not willing to get help with the marriage, He will deserve it if she leaves him.
@@whitneyw.7919 he didn’t seem like that until they had kids together. He ended up getting back surgery and on disability for a while then his daughter from his first marriage came to live with them... and he really changed. He just kind of became a useless bum. Her money was theirs but his money was his rule of guy. He put everyone ahead of her and the girls. It’s sad I didn’t think he was like that before. We were like the 3 Musketeers I told him it was his Own fault when he moaned poor me poor me...
I completely agree. I thought of something funny though. Imagine if the man in this call also hires someone to hug and kiss his wife lol but yeah it's the effort that makes a family work.
This wasn't about police officers this was about her marriage and how he behaved within it. This is not about defending policemen; it was about the family dynamic and the neglect he is showing to his wife and child. He could have been a plumber as far as it goes. He would be doing the same thing. I think even Dr. D got that mixed up in this video. I am all about supporting our police, but that is not what this video should have been about.
I don’t care what anyone else says, this man is checking out or he has already checked out. My husband works 13-14 hours per day, and he contributes more than a paycheck once he is home. I’m a stay at home wife and mother, so my job is overwhelming too.
This makes me sad. My husband has childhood trauma, and a year and a half after our first child was born, he walked out on us. He said that he didn’t love me and he was planning on moving far away. I knew it was all rooted in his horrific childhood. I made the decision that was very unlike me, I chose patience and compassion. I had to love enough for both of us. He came back, got help, continues to get help, and we’ve had another child. It’s been five years since then, and our marriage has improved immensely. This woman’s husband, if I were to guess, isn’t a lazy jerk - but a deeply hurting man, afraid that if he opens up at all, it will *all* fall apart.
He didn't come back because of your patience and compassion. He came back because he wanted to came back. It was his own decision. Similarly, the husband in this story is choosing not to be a good husband and his wife can give all the compassion in the world and he can still decide to be a bad husband if that's what he decides to do. She doesn't need to change herself in the hopes that maybe he will get better. That's such terrible advice that people love to give to only women.
@@theoblongbox4909 Please specifically point out where I gave any advice to this woman? Specify where I said she needed to “change herself”? I gave my own personal experience only. But I see that you, an internet stranger, seemingly knows more about my husband and his decisions regarding our family then myself (as his wife) or my husband. This is how I know you are projecting... because you made determinations regarding my husband that you have no authority on. The difference with me is that I gave a personal anecdote, and specified that “If I were to *guess*....” regarding the caller and her husband. I wonder if you ever solve anything in your personal life with with lashing out in frustration towards others?
@@katiejon17 I was with you at first until this reply. Honestly, the truth is your husband came back because his mistress dumped him. He’ll never admit it and you’re living in denial.
You just described my husband of 50 years. I killed myself, and now I'm angry that I gave my youth so HE could have it easier and he acted lile he deserved it, but he was SELFISH! Too late for me. You still have time.
Neither of them do have a warm place to come home to. It sounds like they're overextended between them and blaming each other. When I wound up in a similar situation we sat down and listed our priorities together and decided what came off the list in terms of work hours (i.e. part time work) or tasks (hiring outside help). This is a marriage problem, but it's also a practical problem.
Yes. It seems like there is just too much on their plate period. Two people working more than 40 hours a week plus trying to raise a kid is just more work than two people can reasonably do. If dad doesn’t ever want to do chores or take care of the kids then mom would have to be the one to cut back her hours. Plus healthcare has way more part time options than law enforcement. That being said, the fact that he won’t do any dishes or play with his own kid or even give her a kiss is heartbreaking.
GREAT ADVICE OF YOURS! Love from Above is needed also . Maturity, self- sacrifice, sense of humor. Takes a lot! Patience, hopefully a better season & hope ahead. I Corinthians 13 (THE LOVE CHAPTER) & counsel. Encouragement, joy, prayer...❤🙏
Got out of a marriage like the a year and a half ago. Married almost 11 years. It only got worse and he became completely absent from me and the kids. Finally realized he didnt want a relationship and didnt care. No regrets leaving that nightmare.
Why would anybody want to stay in this situation? The way she describes her existence is horribly depressing and bleak. Newsflash: He's never gonna change.
@@ArmageddonIsHereother women have confirmed time and again that divorcing men who act useless as fathers and husband is so much better than staying with them
She'd be amazed at how much free time she'd have on her hands if she wasn't someone else's maid, cook and cleaning woman 24/7 (doormat essentially) Doesn't seem fair does it, her having to washing his dirty underwear for the rest of her life? I'd let it pile up in the bin...forever. Lol
This is the classic irreconcilable differences divorce. Love just slowly deflates in action and in feeling until you have a flat tire and can't go forward anymore.
I am in the same exact spot with my husband. I also work full time. I wish I could come home and not have to worry about cooking dinner, making appointments, or cleaning the house. having to ask someone to do it is like being their mom and no one wants to have to do that either..but if you don't do it.. you and your kids pay the price
Exactly. If one person slacks in basic responsibilities, that mean the other spouse has to carry a heavier load because someone needs to get the job done either way.
Start going out more often.. when he comes home and you're not home often then he'll wake up... don't make yourself so available to your husband just because you're married... sometimes people take you for granted when they know they have a lot of access to you
@@TheQueenIsWithin YESSSS THISSSSSS. i had to learn this the hard way but sure asf works. U gotta keep some form of distance and a sense of self. Cant feel guilty for not doing everything all the time.
I'm in your boat. Do all the cleaning, yardwork, cooking, house maintenance... and my husband comes home and plays video games for 8 hours straight (15 hours on his days off). He comes from a borderline hoarders family, so he doesn't see ANYTHING as messy. Literal piles of rotting dishes is just fine in his book. It's very frustrating.
I wonder if he was not a touchy feely man and not emotionally available when the wife married him. It seems this is impossible to overcome unless they are both motivated to do counseling. Either that, or he may need to decompress when he first gets home. Ask him what he needs to re-enter family life when he first comes home. Maybe he needs the first 20-30 minutes to himself to take a shower, lie down, whatever. I encourage the wife to take good care of herself. Best wishes.
@@lavadamorrison4569 they both need the same and they deserve it. It’s a question of creating a time and plan together so that both will get their needs met. I was just presenting one option out of many.
All you had to say is he is law enforcement. Been there and done with that. My ex would say his life and stress was more than mine, no matter what. I did not deny his stress and the fact that he had access to mental help at work and didn't, I could not do anything right. I straight up told him what I needed from him, what needed to change, I was unhappy and I was calm and nice. I asked him what he needed and he sat there with a dumb look on his face. My issues came from "I don't know how to do x, y, z.." at home but could be in charge of other people's lives at work, everyday! I know he needed trauma help but he would not get it. I set boundaries about what I could listen to from his job, because of my own trauma. He then would say he brings home the paycheck and I should not complain. I know this is old but I hope she got away from him.
If she’s in the medical field She have it hard as well. As a nurse we see things you won’t imagine. Then she’s 100% doing the house work and with their kid. It’s not easy. He need to be a better husband in order for the relationship to work.
I don’t know her so I am not saying she is like that butI have seen a lot of times where wives belittled their husband openly , in front of others or even in a joking manner.
Not going to work John. Not this guy. This was my dad. He did nothing in the house, ever to assist her, even when my mom went back to work when my brother was 11 and I was 13. He never did anything except work. He was a laborer and his job was physically exhausting, but all the house stuff/ food/ childcare was all on my mother. She resented him for the entirety of their marriage. I totally disagree with John. It's not all her responsibility to make her marriage work with a mentally vacant husband. Hes not going to receive any affection. Hes not going to ever be what she needs. Miss, dont end up like my mother. Get out now. He is NOT ever going to step up and be more affectionate or ever help you. Get out and be happy.
I have known men like this, they broke their women doing this. They have to speak up instead of behaving so extremely passive agressive. She can't read his mind. No good word for this man.
Sounds like two type A's with entitlement issues. Once it becomes about demands (instead of free will and putting more into the bucket) it's no longer a marriage. It's a hostage situation. Two crazy demanding careers with overtime is a bad idea. They need to cut expenses and work hours.
@Steven Steel יְהֹוָה husbands and wives should be intimate with each other. The fact that he won’t accept her affections isnt a simple problem. They need a counselor... oh wait... he’s refusing to see a counselor. Same with raising the child. These are serious problems and if he’s refusing to solve the problem, then he’s abandoned her and the child and that’s ground for divorce.
I wonder what she's doing on her part to change some of the stuff she's doing. She's saying go to a counselor but the first thing you have to do is look at yourself and say how are my actions affecting the marriage.
I understand this one my husband was a Policeman, me an ER Nurse. He wanted me to do everything at home, including since we lived in remote communities no restaurants or Fast food, to prepare him meals while i was at work. He convinced me he couldnt mow the lawn because he was too allergic. He didnt have time to get off the couch to walk the dog. He did repairs on the home, but only if i handed him the tools. I could never do anything right. So i was grateful for his Father a higher ranking officer in the same force, newly retired, wouls drive to visit, saw me mowing and asked why? Told him. He said gee he had no allergies mowing MY lawn all his teen years. That dinner he brought it up that night at dinner, and gave his son a backhand across the shoulder, two giant men. F.I.L. roared how he hired home help for Mom who was a parttime Nurse. Son had forgotten that maid help. I left finally when he got an uneducated, never had a job gf, who got pregnant and would cook all the time for him. Me i was told i must work FT. So im sorry for this caller, not all of the strong silent types have a heart, many are narcissists.
My wife works harder and longer hours than I do. I have given up discussing plans or chores or assignments or nagging. I have the mindset and tell her "just tell me what to do and it done." Yet... I cannot do it as perfectly as she wants it to be done, or as quick as she wants it done... my way is not the way sooooo she says she will just do everything... I got loads of time to help, but im not allowed to, yet im not much help... I'm drained, tired. Emotionless when she tries to play mindgames. This call is close to home, but different.
It's nice that you want to do your part but why do you need her to tell you what to do? You're an adult. You live in the same house. Shouldn't you know what needs to be done? Especially since she works outside the home more, it makes sense for you to be more in charge of the running of the household and managing the chores.
why does she need to give you directions like you’re a child? you don’t have eyes? you can’t tell when things need to be cleaned up? stop making her your mommy
He wants to be first? I’m so sick and tired of these narcissists!!! He sounds childish. Law Enforcement! Of course ! For the fact that he doesn’t WANT to be involved or help out just shows how selfish he is. Rolls his eyes when she tries to kiss him? Or hug him? Asking for help and what you need is NOT being critical!!!
Sister of an LEO here, it's quite possible the husband's lack of affection is the outcome of unrecognized trauma caused by stuff he has seen on the job. I hope that if he has the chance to get councelling first he will be more open to couples therapy later.
I couldn't imagine having such a distant partner. My wife and I both work full-time and different shifts and even if there's tension we hug often and I can't go to bed without at the very least kissing her forehead. I cook and clean on all my days off and she cooks and cleans on her days off, and we pick each other up when we fall.
JD you have just described why too much pressure is placed on law enforcement. The weight that is placed upon their shoulders needs to come off and distributed to other services in the community.
I have heard it takes being a friend to make a friend. She needs to sit him down and ask him about his needs, then address her needs- then develop a plan to meet in the middle.
Well, I think she has done that by going to a counselor and asking him to go. He said no. He is not interested in saving his marriage. You can't force people to do anything they don't want to do. He knows what she needs because she has told him, she tries to hug or kiss him, and she is rebuffed. She addressed it and he said I am not a touchy-feely person; He is being passive aggressive which is a form of abuse. If he is a narcissist, she might as well run for the hills. The next question she should ask him is does he want a divorce, and does he love her. Her next step would be dependent on what his answer is. If he says he loves her and wants the marriage to work, then she should demand he go to counselling with her or she will leave. The balls is in his court. He gets the choice. Boundaries need to be set in this relationship.
It is funny how he asked if the man was always the it's my way or the highway type. She exclaimed that he wasn't like that. Turns out he is exactly like that.
Marriage is over and it's been over for a while. How are you married for 4yrs and more than half of it its been rocky? They either married to quickly (which is something that's prevalent in both military and police) or they saw how incompatible they were and STILL got married. Move on and find someone that's actually compatible.
I was experiencing this too. I didn't feel loved and my husband didn't feel respected. I got the book Love and Respect by Dr Eggerichs ( as suggested by Dave Ramsey) and it really gave me a great insight into how men and women think differently. Lots of tips on how to improve communication etc. Very worth reading it.
If the husband doesn’t choose to lean in, the wife should lean out for a week or two and leave the kid there and see if this makes him really want to be married. If he doesn’t hug or kiss, or care to have a friendship with the wife, then, it’s a crappy marriage.
I'm the son of a dad that was like that, the guy that only brings a paycheck and doesn't want to deal with anything else. And it sucked, I needed a father, someone to be more involved in my life, give me advice, teach me how to be a man. He himself was more of a child than I was. And no that is not acceptable. Don't get married if you are not ready to be responsible for a family.
Seems like he loved his family enough to stick around and provide.
@@Bucephalus84 It's an eastern culture where I am from, all dads stick around to take care of their kids, and then when he's old, I'm expected to take care of him(which I am) it's not entirely selfless it's a retirement plan. He complained all the way through(complaining comes in our genes) I once asked him why did he get married at all, and his answer was "because I was told that I should"
@@Bucephalus84 Honestly? That's the bare minimum in my eyes. A child needs both, a caring mother and a caring father. Plenty of boys are becoming miserable men wishing their fathers taught them something, or spent more time with them. Many women sit at a psychologist, talking about their (failed) relationships with their mothers. The same's happening to boys regarding their fathers.
*don't HAVE KIDS if you aren't ready to be responsible for a family. It's 2023, and plenty of people get married for love and reasons beyond having kids. Stop assuming everyone who gets married plans to or should plan to have kids.
@@YesYesYesJeff I didn't. A wife is also family, and you're responsible for her!
Freudian slip: “That is my son. I mean, that is my husband.”
The mouth speaks from the fullness of the heart.
Yes. 🙌 that pricked my ears to. Love the line you put underneath
Yeah okay
What??? Stop drinking and texting.
100% literally this jumped out at me.
💀💀💀
If I work full time and he works full time we both take equal responsibility for the household and child raising. It's called being a grown up and supporting your family's wellbeing.
Exactly
@Arwyn Do single mums often stay married and continue to live with their husbands? If so I think that would put them in the unhappily married category rather than the single mum category. This caller was discussing being married, albeit unhappily, She wasn't saying she was a single mum.
What’s wrong with seeking help. Get a housekeeper if both people are tired.
@@TheRachag you realise not everyone can afford to fo this?
Should just be the women’s job
Don’t mind me. I’m just here for the comments!!
🤣🤣🤣
Just here to drop in on the drama.
How dare you!! 😬
Haha me also
LOL😂😂😂
When she divorces him he’ll say he was blindsided and it came out of nowhere.
She said there's no intimacy. He's basically given up most likely.
Exactly
They always do.
This women has no concept of what a bay needs. She works full time, He’s out there dealing with horrible people in the community. She is blind and self centered. Stay home & be nurturing Mom & wife. He’ll warm up soon enough!
And she will want him to continue to support her and the kids. Women hate the “just a paycheck” men, but they will be damned before they give up his paycheck. 😂😂😂
My brother is a single dad and a full time cop. And he takes those kids on hikes and trips. This guy got it so easy.
Tell your brother I said hi lol
Until she divorces him.
Then the kid will be neglected
Had this talk with my husband who was useless for over 14 years. Only thing that made him change was telling him I want a divorce bc no father is better than a shitty father.
When he realized I meant it, he changed 180. Alot of people will do as little as possible if they can get away with it.
So frustrating that it takes threatening divorce bc basically that 180 change shows that they had it in them the whole time but they just didn’t care enough to do it before then. 🤦🏼♀️
@@CairynJayTHIS! 💯
It also shows how they will go right back to their selfish ways as soon as they feel they can get away with it. They only temporarily change to keep their victims around@@CairynJay
Yeah you were able to make that threat because the legal system is a joke and you could take half of his resources in perpetuity while going and doing whatever you want.
@@ImTheWinningest your entire outlook on relationships is "women bad" and it shows
Cops work 3 to 4 days a week long shifts like nurses. I have 6 cops in our family. They cook, take kids to games, and pretty involved. He is slacking. Two adults working full time with kids under 5 years old is hard.
Agreed.
Yeah, the one cop I know is a great dad in part cus he works three days a week.
Here in Central Florida I know of no LEO'S that work 3-4 day wk shifts. Maybe we are very short-staffed? I have lots in our family& they are always working 5-6days wk. They do try to be as involved as can be in their family life.
I thought cops made good money.
I don't think it's even about slacking, it's that he doesn't love her. He won't even hug her? The laziness is just a symptom of him not loving her.
I have cops in my family. They are all capable of empathy and helping out for the greater good. A cop devoid of those two characteristics.... is scary.
You’ll never know them as cops. 1312
Exactly. I have a brother who is a cop and I know him as a cop and brother and see him how he is as a father and husband and honestly I admire him for how he is as a father/husband. He can blur the lines of brother and cop at times but I've learned to look past that and accept that at least he is being an amazing father and husband to his family. He coaches for his sons sports teams. He makes sure his wife is taken care of. His wife got sepsis(sp?) And he left work early to get her to the hospital and stayed with her. I love that about him. He knows his job is serious but his family is more important to him.
There's a much higher risk of US police abusing their partner in the home. I read somewhere they're 40% more likely to abuse their partner, although how accurate that figure is, I'm not sure.
@@ChrisAndCatsthe study I saw had 50% of cops self reporting that they had abused their spouse.
Ask the guy if he still wants to be married! He's checking out.
And probably for good reason. I'd certainly rather not be married to the caller.
Sounds like it!
@@ordinaryhuman5645 and if you are like the callers husband you wont have to worry about getting married.
@@instanoodles I hope I can dodge getting married far better than the caller's husband did. The opposite of dodging a bullet is jumping in front of one, which might be what he did when he chose to get married.
I believe that is what happened oh, he has checked out and no longer loves her
No kissing or hugging means it’s basically over.
It also means he’s probably cheating.
Not basically, it's over.
whatever it is, he clearly finds her unattractive now.
@@KrystleLaughter Not necessarily true. I speak from experience (having witnessed my 'friend' haha) that a marriage can go for years without intimacy, yet no cheating.
@@mikebetts2046 Ditto
When young men aren’t raised doing their own laundry, clean up in the kitchen, and are raised with mom doing it all for them…..they aren’t self sufficient. The needs of others just don’t occur to them.
My husband was actually raised that way, he help with his younger siblings, knew how to cook(good enough for his age) did other chores around the house all the time… and now he does the same things the caller’s husband does, meaning NOTHING but bring home the check 🤷🏻♀️
That's true of any child. There are some nasty women out there.
Wrong. Grew up, spoiled, and never have to lift a finger. Had parents who never spent time with me. Always at work. Was told to get a job year yound at 15 in HS. Get out by 18. Married 23 years with 11 year olds. I do most of the cleaning in the house and laundry.
They become dependent,like babies
John is a great addition to the Ramsey team.
I know I wish Dave would let him speak more on the show!
Yeah he’s my favorite team member aside from Dave. I really like how he conducts his show, his tone, the balance of seriousness and humor.. really really good show.
He is a lot better and more suited to give advice than Dave even!
Dr. John is my FAV
He's ignoring the elephant in the room and talks about himself too much.
The fact he doesn't even want to hug or kiss her says everything we need to know....he's fallen out of love with this woman, which is a sad sad reality that must be realized on her part. That's it...
exactly... if i had a husband that acted this way i would immediately accuse him of cheating or be like you dont love me anymore its not working and i need to find my happiness
Love is a choice and an action, not a feeling. The initial infatuation ebbs and flows, but it’s his job to actively love his wife in how he treats and cares for her no matter how he feels that day. People bounce from new relationship to new relationship to try and keep that initial feeling going, but it’s about putting in the work not some imaginary soulmate. This is wisdom from many couples I know, including my parents, who are very happy after 40+ years together. Don’t be a quitter.
@@cathyl7944 Yes but the MAJOR red flag is that he 's uncomfortable with just hugging/kissing her. He is actively and continuously choosing to NOT love her, and doesn't want to do anything to show that he loves her. Seems that he has absolutely 0 interest in making this relationship work.
Cathy L, that’s the most ridiculous thing that Love is a choice, and not a feeling. If that were true, anyone could marry anyone and be happy with them. One may choose to act in a loving way to anyone, but for an intimate long-term relationship, one must have feelings of love, affection, desire, and attraction to their partner. Sometimes we don’t feel any of these, but we know it’s temporary, and we do still love our partner, but if you don’t feel any of these emotions for a long time, then you can’t force yourself to want someone.
He has a girlfriend.....duh
You can’t save a marriage by yourself. It takes two to make an effort, or else the one making all the effort ends up burning out, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s extremely damaging to that person if it’s all give and no one is giving back to you. She needs her energy for her baby, herself, and her job. There is not much left after that to spend on an unresponsive and cold spouse. That neglect will drain her faster. It’s very sad.
Exactly
You can, but it's hard
@@louiseyvette2261not worth it when men who wont put u through this exist lmao
The advice that she should stop "nagging" him and have empathy is so shortsided. She's not an endless well of empathy for herself, the child, and the adult man.
@@louiseyvette2261 It's not a marriage if only one person is in it. It takes two and no less.
Laziness is a big problem with marriages. Being the main bread winner in my marriage we separate bills based on how much we can pay so inherently I get the brunt of the bills. That being said we both work full time, not one works harder than the other and we know each other’s love languages. She gives me hugs and stuff and I give her the words of affirmation and the gifts. But the share of home cleaning and everything is split between us becuz we have a team mentality. Team mentality is the key to marriage emotionally physically spiritually and economically. When I see her debt I see it as our debt. Early on she would say “I feel bad cuz it’s ur money” but once the team mentality was instilled it became our money. We r down to just the mortgage and 5k left on our car.
Proud of you two!
Aww that’s awesome ! My husband and I just got married. It’ll be a year this March. We don’t have any children but so far we split stuff. I love it ❤️ in my opinion it’s about being a real and never giving up even through the rough patches.
That's how it's meant to be.
This is us !
Knowing each other’s love language is really important!
This is what happens when both parents are stretched to the max. I have no idea how people raise children when they both work full time. Especially when they're in two of the most stressful positions in this particular day and age.
Who was it that didn’t want to stay home to take care of the kids and wanted to be equal to man or better yet strong and independent and now everyones trapped. Not that theres anything wrong with being strong and independent, but somebody's got to make a sacrifice for the children. And if its the men that takes care of the kids then hes useless cause hes jobless or the women will see themselves as better since she’s the one bringing the bacon home. But if its the women then she complains that he isn't making enough. So she goes to work and now she takes care of everything plus her job. and we end up trapped as the kids get thrown off to daycare if the grandparents aren’t around.
Yup. Something’s gotta give. There’s no one taking care of the hearth-and-home, warm, safe place to come home to. Two full-time high-pressure jobs in the household is a recipe for divorce.
Yes, you are 100% right.
@@garljr that can be fixed by the man communicating to a woman who is actually caring if he wants to be stay at home. Any combination of who stays home vs. who works how much is fine as long as the couple is in sync.
daycare is a scam though
That I agree, but do you really think that’s the majority? Most people will take the easy way out for divorce. But yes, it can work, I just don’t think that’s the majority these days. I could be wrong though.
Even in our worst times of my marriage, my husband not once pushed me away. Counseling, ASAP.
Lucky.
Good. Tell him to give classes for men
Very blessed
I'm honestly sick of hearing that men can't be held accountable without coddling them. She works even more than him and takes on more responsibility. He needs to just man up and help her and set his ego aside. Police officer or not!
He could be deeply depressed. Have you ever considered approaching things with compassion and understanding rather than the misandrist goto of "hE nEeDs tO jUsT mAn uP". Probably things people heard just before they noped out of life. You're also hearing a one-sided version of the story.
@@ydoucare55 it's not ok for depressed adults to just neglect their children and household duties without getting help. And there is no amount of empathy on the wife's side that will help the man make the choice to get better.
Yet women need to be perpetually coddled? Forget the legal system which is already outrageously protective of women. John literally has a show where he told a disabled vet to stay with his depressed psycho wife who pulled a gun infront of his kids. While later in the show he told a wife that she might have to leave her fat lazy stay at home dad of a husband. If that isn’t bias and coddling I don’t know what is.
@@ydoucare55 Mom's struggle with deep depression as well. You can't just not do what your suppose to when mental illness comes in. The husband in the story refuses help and avoids his support structure and it seems like he is simply just lazy and unaccountable.
Exactly this
The sad part is if he would just step up and be an equal partner the cycle WOULD stop. She would stop being so “critical” etc but it’s SO OFTEN only the woman who a)is even TRYING to fix things and b) the onus is almost always put on HER to fix the issue. But if she stops asking it’s not like he’s going to start magically doing those things. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Pay attention, the criticism IS the cause. Women destroy relationships..
The "nagging" is actually just direct and honest communication. At some point she got too exhausted to dance around his feelings and just started telling him what she needs. And his reaction to that tells her all she needs to know.
And one day she stops nagging because she stops caring. And he thinks cool. And then she ask for divorce and he complains....she just left me and I do not know why. 😂
Yepppp
Well, this is useless advice. Not only that but you’re telling her to stay in a toxic relationship. This is disgusting. You should not be giving this advice out.
John and Dave need to come up with a recommended list of marriage counsellors.
Yes, like endorsed local providers!
That is something that is being worked on I believe
I thought John was a counselor ....I thought that was the whole point of calling in
@@auroramothergoddess I think they're thinking something closer to couples therapy - something you can do long term vs a one time call-in
@@auroramothergoddess yes but just like how Dave is a financial advisor and tells you about local people you can work with long term. We need something in place on the mental health end. You can call into the show for one time help but it won't fix your life forever.
Raising kids is a full time job too... takes a lot of commitment even after a full work day
That sentence is a paradox
Single dad here. For me personally, raising a kid isn't just easy, it's fun! I haven't had a tv in 10yrs and never had video games so we go hiking, kayaking, biking and other outdoor stuff.
You know what's hard, being a day laborer.
@@DHFlip18 so are you a stay at home dad or a pick the kid up after school or day care/after school prpgram, has done the brunt of raising the kid for the day dad?😶
@@CrystalM1917 Nope, I work full time but unconventional schedule I suppose. I've had occasional help from my parents but rare, no tv means I have time to focus instead of being distracted.
And yes, he's in middle school and I pick him up afterwards. I am the after school 😆
Which is why most people shouldn't have them even couples.
The title is misleading. Makes it seem like she is ungrateful and with no job. But she works full time + takes care of the household.
Why would it be any different if she was at home? Are we not a family with responsibilities and needing to both put 100% into this?!
You know childrearing is a full time job? We just dont sit around all day on social media twiddling our thumbs wasting our husbands money and our time?!
The more kids you have the more work at home, even if you stay home and the kids go to school when older.
If you homeschool, you are educating and having to constantly pick up/ do chores because the kids are there with you almost 24/7 (barring outside activities).
We have forgotten in society how useful and hard working our stay at home moms were before they all went to work.
Now they are all exhausted after working full time and still expected to be mom too and a wife.
And we wonder why marriage struggles, mental health issues and dissatisfied feelings have risen so much!
@@Jaxmusicgal23 Agreed. Very well said.
Even so, being a mom never stops. They don’t go to dad with their emotional problems just like they prefer to play with dad over mom. The science is in. Her job is 24/7. She’s on-call. They probably don’t even feel safe waking dad up after they had a nightmare.
I didn't get that from the title at all. Maybe you're just projecting your own biases.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 if you were staying at home you should be capable of doing it all in the time he's at work... Stop acting like it is a 24/7 nonstop job because it's not.
I feel for her. My ex checked out too and developed this mentality that OUR relationship would improve if only I changed. That was it for me-it takes 2 to fight for a marriage. If both aren’t willing to dig in, it’s over or you will live in a miserable existence like John described.
And, of course, YOU KNEW that your relationship would only improve if HE changed. Right?
💯
@@efandmk3382 if your partner refuse to improve the relationship, what should the person do? Stay and be miserable? Or pack up and leave?
@@efandmk3382 Are you one of those woman-haters? I bet you wouldn't respond that way if a man had made the comment OP did. I always see so many woman haters in the comments nowadays, worse than feminists.
@@littleripper312 nothing in his or her comment was hateful. Maybe you need to stop projecting your own feelings. John's comments were on point that both partners are a part of the relationship. It's not good or bad, it is what it is. But just wishing the other person changes enough to fix the relationship is not part of any solution IMO.
Working on yourself will never be a waste of time even if you are doing it alone. You will be better & stronger for it.
This man is no longer in love with this woman, sadly.
Romantic love will not necessarily continue at the same intensity forever. Real life steps in. I would not make that strong a statement. We are only getting a snapshot from one perspective.
He might just need extra personal space and has been conditioned to avoid being overcrowded.
It's more complicated than you think.
For woman only..by Shaunti feldham..great book!!
@@anthonypblackburn no, it's not really, he clearly doesn't love her anymore and they have grown apart!
The best thing she can do is to start living her life for herself and to stop begging for help and affection. My husband and I went through this, and the only way he started turning towards me was by me stopping the begging, nagging, and asking and by acting as though I was living my life just for me without being vindictive towards my husband. Once he saw that I wasn’t going to sit around and beg anymore and nag, he knew he needed to make a change or he’d lose me.
Good. Did you dress up and step outside sometimes? That must have got his heart racing and pissing in his pants.
My husband wouldn't care to loose me or his kids. He just doesn't care about anything, only about himself.
@@SummeRain783 Great recommendation!
What's so bad about losing you. I would leave you in a heartbeat.
@@georgemcfly3482 I don’t know. Ask my husband.
Adults understand that this isnt the full story.
Why bother listening to only one side then? You know the show. Only one person calls and shares their side of the story. No need to state the obvious.
@@NT-bz5nh good point!
Well you're like ready to stick up for him at least hahaha
@Heinrich Himmler ayooooooooooooooo
This isn't the full story. Sounds like my story except she is banging a co worker lol
There is 100% other things going on here. Would be interested in hearing the husband's persective.
He'll never change. My sister's first husband was just like that and he was a cop for a short time. Everything wrong in his life was her fault. 😕
I’m a nurse. I need quiet time after work before I step into another role.
Does your wife get quiet time after work?
It's past time to have a conversation about why he reacts to her attempts to warmly greet his arrival with disgust and eye-rolling. It's like he hates her.
...it takes two willing people to make a marriage work. Being emotionally unavailable to your wife and family..that’s not a marriage. If he’s not willing to do the work.. leave
Ash O Thats probably what he wants
That's what the man wants for sure, but he has a child and if he leaves he will have to pay her for 18 years and lose his child.
She'll be paying him child support. She makes more money
50% of marriages end in divorce, 70% of divorces are initated by women, women receive 80% of alimony,
@@rattlehead999 she will invest much more in the child, than the child support he pays. and her good time of life will be spent on a child from a person she does not love. So I am against divorces generally, since the burden on women becomes more after it.
When she says he doesn't deserve it what she means is he doesn't reciprocate back to her what he is asking from her.
It's tough, especially when there's build up resentment in your heart
Sounds like this is the type of man you don’t want to get pulled over by
A wise therapist once said, “ When one person changes in the relationship, the other has no choice but to change as well.”
One can’t use the same tactics on the other person who has changed. It makes your partner think differently and sometimes that’s enough to push things forward but not necessarily with the outcome that you wanted. Life isn’t about what I want it’s about what I need.
Swim with the current not against it
They need to hire a cleaning service and food subscription box.
Yes! That’s what I was thinking. It’s hard seek help. If she was completely on her own she would seek help.
Yep.Responsibilities and chores can drive a big wedge.
That's what I said. If she insists on working, they need to spend the money on buying time. A housekeeping service, a shopping service, send the laundry out. etc.
@@efandmk3382 You realise all that 'buying time' costs a fortune and may not be in their finances?
@@cloudedcolour5329 the alternative is somebody needs to cut hrs. The child who didn't ask to be in this situation needs to be raised loved and take care of. If she doesn't want to stay home that's fine and if he doesn't want to cut hrs then somebody's got to do something . Day care and after school programs can't raise a child....and cutting back on expenses will take care of the pay cut. Alot of ppl claim they can't afford for someone to stay home but that's bc they are spending money on stuff they don't need.
“It’s a choice.” So true Dr. J. Marriage is the daily act of choosing to love and fulfill my commitment to my spouse every day.
Respect to my mom that has raised me and my brother when my father wasn't 100% there for us
Did you always see it that way?
I’m raising my children alone and often wonder
@@ah5589 Eventually kids grow up and figure things out
Sounds like your mom "picked" a doucher to have children with
@@ihateutube1143 Not as much as the one your mom picked.
@@ah5589 If you want the truth, yes, yes I did. I absolutely noticed, even at a very young age. I yearned and craved for my father’s love and attention the majority of my years growing up. When I was very young, I knew there was a very big difference between the way my mother treated me and the way my father treated me, I knew I craved his love and attention, but at first I just assumed that was how all dads were.
But then I started going to friend’s houses, and I discovered that wasn’t the case. It immediately slapped me in the face that everyone else’s dads cared about them, took interest in them, showed them through words and actions that he loved them, and were heavily involved in their life. It was hurtful and painful, still even now as a 29 year old, with my father no longer alive (and me having no contact with him for three years prior to his death). The wounds of knowing your parent never really loved you run deep.
I didn’t really talk about it much as a child, and held a lot in. For me, it manifested itself into extreme (and often unhealthy) perfectionism. I think I thought on some level that if I was perfect enough, never got in trouble, always got straight A’s, and always did the right thing, that maybe he would care enough to notice me, but he never did. Granted, I think that path was probably better than going the opposite direction in order to try to get attention, but it still wasn’t healthy, and is something I still struggle with.
BUT, the biggest thing that helped me, was my mother’s love and constant presence in my life. Because of her, I knew what genuine unconditional love from a parent truly looked like and felt like. Because of her, I had a safe person to turn to at all times, who I could trust wholeheartedly with anything. Because of her, there was ALWAYS someone on the sidelines cheering me on in life, even if my father wasn’t beside her. While nothing can truly replace the love of both a father and a mother, she tried her hardest to come as close to loving me enough for the both of them that she possibly could. I don’t know what I would have done or who I would have become without her. I thank God for her daily. She is still my very best friend, and always will be.
What my father did to me in my life will always hurt, and I’m sure your kids feel that hurt as well. Neglect from a parent is extremely painful, and children, even young children who may not fully understand everything, feel that pain and recognize that absence. That’s just the reality of it. But what matters is that your children have at least one parent who is 100% present and active in their life. They NEED to learn and be shown that they are worthy of genuine unconditional love (as a VERB and not just as a word that gets spoken), and the biggest way we all learn that is through our parents as children.
Be there for them. Be their number one. Be the one on the sidelines cheering them on. Be the one who supports them through the good and the bad. Be the one they feel comfortable turning to about anything, keep that line of communication open, and always answer their every question immediately with 100% honesty. If not, they will go searching in the wrong places for those answers. Be their safe place, and let them know that any emotion they have is ok, and that it is ok to openly express their emotions to you. And if you haven’t already, please seek out a counselor for them to talk to.
You’ll never fully be able to replace their other parent, but you do have the capability to teach them the tools and provide them with the unconditional love necessary to grow up into healthy and happy adults. I wish you and your children the very best. May God bless you and provide you with strength and direction to be the best parent you can be! 🙏🏻💕🌻
She’s pulling more weight than he is and she doesn’t have the capacity to respect him as a true provider protector. He has to pay the price to be the kind of man who deserves the type of treatment he’s desiring.
The problem is that most men want wives but aren’t willing to become husbands
The problem is most women want to be married but not be wives. She's likely not having sex with him and he's checking out.
I’m sorry.
Don’t know if this would help at all... one practical thing I do. For me, asking in a gentle, neutral tone for him to do one small, well-defined task helps. “I’m busy making soup so we can eat before we have to leave. I also need to change the baby’s diaper right now. Could you please chop this onion for me?” Almost always my husband will take me up on it even if he initially didn’t want to. As he is chopping he will realize that I have a lot to do. It keeps us communicating and moving in a good direction.
Yeah sometimes you have to hold your spouses hand and spell everything out in crayon for them to understand.
Perfect suggestion
This is how I do it too. My husband often scoffs about it like I'm the bad guy but he usually does it. I just hope it's not causing more strain thinking I'm nagging him. It feels like you just can't win
@@NT-bz5nh lol, thats pretty much correct! 🤣
Couldn't agree more. Give me a task, consider it done.
The wife seems a reasonable person who can calmly line up her needs. She also showed good communication skills. A husband who works in law enforcement is not a typical guy. If I were the wife I would start creating tables (sort of routine checks) with all that needs to be done, the time estimated and who does that. Then review that with the husband, sum up the results and see who does what
Guarantee you he has always been this way. My husband and I both work. I thought my husband would change and I have accepted that he will never contribute to the chores like I do. I stopped doing his laundry and serving him dinner and he is a okay with it. His version of making dinner is buying takeout food and that’s okay with me!!! The moment I accepted that he was (kinda of) lazy I was happier. Marriage got better too. I joke with him and I tell him that I am saving for a retirement home when I’m old so someone will finally take care of me.
Do you have kids? My hubby is the same as yours too, but I work 35 hours he works 50 so he says it’s fair.
@@deborahmeek6529 there's some things that benefit everyone, but there's also things that only benefit him.
Setting boundaries makes that clearer. If you stop doing things that only benefit him what's he going to do? It will reveal his character. Also at what age are you going to get your children to take responsibility for themselves? You're both setting an example to your kids about person responsibly.
If he's not pulling his weight with the kids then you need to be pragmatic - start adding up those "15 hours" difference, & his parenting responsibilities, but also discuss your individual needs for "me time".
Good boundaries makes a huge difference!! Clearer you both respect each other !
@@deborahmeek6529 we both work 40 hours and make almost the same in wages. Honestly what keeps me sane is that my kids pick up after themselves. My husband does yard work. I think toddlers really stress some people out because they need 24 hour attention. During those ages people really need to set boundaries and as they get older you have to give your kids chores to keep your sanity. I have a lot of days that I do things on my own and that is very important to me. Walk the neighborhood, go get coffee. I will take 2 hours off to just have coffee with a friend it is important to have boundaries just like Lynette said.
@@sonyadeantonio
You make the same but do you contribute the same financially... Who is paying the majority of the bills? Is it your husband or is it 50/50.... If it is 50/50 than he is lazy at cleaning... That happens regardless of gender
Man I'm disappointed in the advice he gave. Don't give this guy a pass because he's an officer. He's not devoted to his family which should come first. He doesn't get a pass for being a lazy husband, straight up.
I agree that it's sad that the husband does not want to get better to at least be a better father for his child.
Agree, I did not like this advice. He justified him for being a police more than her being a health employee. I wonder if they're still married?
I understand your dissatisfaction because it feels lopsided but he's not wrong. You can't change someone else no matter how much you wish it. But also I feel like John has a soft spot for LEO. It makes me wonder how it would go if the LEO component were taken away. I feel like WE would feel better about it had he said "love him through it but then if no changes happen then make some demand or pack your bags". Whatever, but at least somewhere to go if it fails or some coping strategies.
Agreed.
What helps most in such situations is to take paid help for house work and child care...that would help the woman to be a bit relaxed and would get some time in her life to think and have some energy to plan further to deal with the crisis better...hope she has the budget to do it if not long time atleast temporarily...
She shouldn’t have to exhaust herself out for a man that won’t make any effort for the relationship. He won’t even kiss her 🥴 if he wants to be alone let him
Not giving your own child love and attention shows a HUGE disconnect. Emotional maturity is needed here, not belly button gazing. Men aren’t men unless they GROW UP.
My ex was like that. But he was on drugs too. Eventionaaly I couldn't even get a hug from him. He was completely useless, financially, emotionally and practically. Now I have been with a man who hugs, loves and works his ass off for his family. And is emotionally available. I feel like going to give him a foot massage now. We have been together over 10 years and we have three kids, two of them are from my ex and he takes care of them too and has basically raised them too.
This situation shouldn't be about the battle of the sexes but of loving your spouse enough to want to help them out by doing their fair share in the house work and the raising of their child. The fact that the caller is calling in for help tells me that she cares about her marriage and wants advice on how to make it better. She is tired, frustrated and just wants her husband to help out. I find it sad that some people, be it male or female think it's ok to let their spouse do everything. That's not love. I hope this couple can get the help they need especially for the sake of their child.
I agree with you for sure, it shouldn't be characterized as the battle of the sexes... that makes very little sense especially for a marriage that's a partnership, plus the wife is fighting for her marriage not against her husband.
100% agree because this is the situation I’m in. My husband is in the military and only comes home to play games. I’m pregnant with our 3rd child and he just doesn’t seem to care to even help with the kids. I feel like I’m going to be miserable like his mother is. She’s basically in the same situation so no wonder I am.
Exactly, it's about selfishness and laziness, and it makes me scared to get married and have kids, because what if he's a liar and irresponsible or selfish?
But it does need positivity and bravery to face the unknown, while also trying our best to know the person before marriage
My wife and I both work full time and make a good living. We decided early on that we needed to outsource chores so that we could spend our time enjoying ourselves and our child. So we have someone who cleans and order takeout most nights.
My husband is the same way. I knew I couldn’t change him so I changed myself. I feel like we are on a more equal playing field now. I cut back from full time to part time. I take care of home/ meals/kid. He works full time. We are both able to have downtime and time for our hobbies. We are both able to parent, and we are able to schedule an occasional date night which is more important to me than it is for him. I just couldn’t “do it all” anymore so I stopped and our whole family has benefited. We have a more relaxed atmosphere at home. It is possible to change the dynamic in the home. I hope this helps.
Good input. Thank you.
He doesn't want to protect you anymore. Providing a paycheck is the most he can contribute. Kids just make you hate each other more.
My husband is the exact same way and we don't even have kids. So frustrating. I know her pain! That's me roommates :-(
Praying for your situation!
Acting like a wife at home doesn't solve all issues if it's the guys fault. Stop pinning issues all on women. Sometimes it's the guy. Sometimes even when the wife is doing her part, he is selfish.
Leave before you wake up one day and realize you just wasted 20 years waiting for him to change
Don't have kids... your kids would have an absent father, and you wouldn't have a partner or any help. There's no point in having a spouse and still basically being a single parent
please read laura Doyle’s the surrendered wife and empowered wife. Or listen to her podcast. I swear it’s life changing man
Maintaining a home and raising children is a lot longer than a standard work day. About 15 hours a day for the home and raising children. When both parents are working which is every single two parent household as even if one is at home they’re still filling an essential role.. 5pm doesn’t end responsibilities for the day. That doesn’t mean people cannot relax but when there’s not a healthy balance one person could end up working 15 hours a day while the other is working 9 instead of everyone working together to have a happy life, clean space and healthy children. So mom comes home and continues her day into the evening and dad comes home and does his thing. It causes resentment and serious serious marriage issues.
Exactly.
Same thing happens if mom is a stay at home mom too. Man can’t check out then either.
Everyone needs down time no matter what their “job” or where it is at. If one is doing all the housework and childcare with no break in sight, it will cause exhaustion and resentment as the other person sits and checks out.
Parents need to take turn taking breaks!
This sounds exactly like my more than 2 decade year marriage. He would never do counseling and always said things were all my fault and I had problems. My husband then had an affair and divorced me recently. get help now!
Exactly. He's prob having an affair or about to 😢
This is my story almost exactly. 7 years later, 3 kids. Still doesn't do anything other than provide paycheck. We're now separated 7 months and he continues his pattern of covert narcissistic emotional and verbal abuse towards me and the kids. Set boundaries!
This is none of my business and therefore you have no obligation whatsoever to answer any of these questions. I do wonder though in these situations what was the relationship like prior to having kids or a full-time job?
@@maam-yj8ph He had the same job prior to marriage and kids, but he was never like this. In fact, he appeared to be responsible, did household chores, held a stable job, lied about the state of his finances, lied about his ambitions, lied about a lot of things. Quite the deceiver. It all changed when it couldn't be all about him anymore. When I was pregnant he started behaving more like a child and escaping physically and mentally, becoming verbally and emotionally abusive when deep conversations happened. Constantly plays the victim, tells me that even though I'm the one who handles finances, bills, children, everything in the home, doctors appointments etc, he deserves the "rest". Then it goes in a cycle. He improves because I'm hurt and upset, it gets better, stays calm for a time, then it's slowly creeps back again. Neverending.
Same! Only now I’m divorced.
Yes. You're a good one to be giving advice. LOL.
@@eclipse.5295 And your husband probably breathes sighs of relief.
This is exactly what happened with my parents. They have been divorced for 6 years after a 20 something years marriage.
Do you think that negatively impacted you? What was most impactful to you as a child? The divorce or the relationship that may have been cold?
Thank you so much for this info. Eye opening and just really spoke to me. Reminder it takes two and self reflection goes a long way. I appreciate you!
This is why I am sooooo thankful to stay home with the kids because my husband makes (barely) enough so I don’t have to work. I handle everything at home and so when he gets home he doesn’t do anything. He deserves to come home to a stress free home. And I have nothing to nag him about because I handle everything around the house. I can’t imagine working and trying to be a mom and a homemaker. It sounds like an inevitable disaster unless you have a nanny and house cleaner.
I’m surprised at all the hate on the caller. One of my best friends had a useless husband too and she put up with it for years. Heck he didn’t always contribute a pay check. She did everything. By the time he realized she was done it was too late. He chipped away at her feelings for him and she divorced him.
I watched it as I was friends with him too. It’s sad but I can see her side. If he won’t help she needs to hire Someone to help with housework whether he likes it or not.
And he’s not willing to get help with the marriage, He will deserve it if she leaves him.
What about your friend made her choose a man like that?
@@whitneyw.7919 he didn’t seem like that until they had kids together. He ended up getting back surgery and on disability for a while then his daughter from his first marriage came to live with them... and he really changed. He just kind of became a useless bum. Her money was theirs but his money was his rule of guy. He put everyone ahead of her and the girls. It’s sad I didn’t think he was like that before. We were like the 3 Musketeers
I told him it was his Own fault when he moaned poor me poor me...
@@whitneyw.7919men pretend to be a certain way until they trap women. It’s a story you hear over and over again if your actually listen to women
I completely agree. I thought of something funny though. Imagine if the man in this call also hires someone to hug and kiss his wife lol but yeah it's the effort that makes a family work.
Dr D, amazing response...many, many law enforcement families need to hear this....many, many communities need to step up to love their le!
This wasn't about police officers this was about her marriage and how he behaved within it. This is not about defending policemen; it was about the family dynamic and the neglect he is showing to his wife and child. He could have been a plumber as far as it goes. He would be doing the same thing. I think even Dr. D got that mixed up in this video. I am all about supporting our police, but that is not what this video should have been about.
I don’t care what anyone else says, this man is checking out or he has already checked out. My husband works 13-14 hours per day, and he contributes more than a paycheck once he is home. I’m a stay at home wife and mother, so my job is overwhelming too.
I’d like to hear his side of the story. They desperately need therapy.
There’s always two sides, no matter how thin you slice it!
This makes me sad. My husband has childhood trauma, and a year and a half after our first child was born, he walked out on us. He said that he didn’t love me and he was planning on moving far away. I knew it was all rooted in his horrific childhood. I made the decision that was very unlike me, I chose patience and compassion. I had to love enough for both of us.
He came back, got help, continues to get help, and we’ve had another child. It’s been five years since then, and our marriage has improved immensely. This woman’s husband, if I were to guess, isn’t a lazy jerk - but a deeply hurting man, afraid that if he opens up at all, it will *all* fall apart.
Thank you for your insight. You are amazing!
He didn't come back because of your patience and compassion. He came back because he wanted to came back. It was his own decision. Similarly, the husband in this story is choosing not to be a good husband and his wife can give all the compassion in the world and he can still decide to be a bad husband if that's what he decides to do. She doesn't need to change herself in the hopes that maybe he will get better. That's such terrible advice that people love to give to only women.
@@theoblongbox4909 Please specifically point out where I gave any advice to this woman? Specify where I said she needed to “change herself”? I gave my own personal experience only.
But I see that you, an internet stranger, seemingly knows more about my husband and his decisions regarding our family then myself (as his wife) or my husband. This is how I know you are projecting... because you made determinations regarding my husband that you have no authority on. The difference with me is that I gave a personal anecdote, and specified that “If I were to *guess*....” regarding the caller and her husband.
I wonder if you ever solve anything in your personal life with with lashing out in frustration towards others?
@@katiejon17 I was with you at first until this reply. Honestly, the truth is your husband came back because his mistress dumped him. He’ll never admit it and you’re living in denial.
@@d.c.d.8985 Ok.
You just described my husband of 50 years. I killed myself, and now I'm angry that I gave my youth so HE could have it easier and he acted lile he deserved it, but he was SELFISH! Too late for me. You still have time.
Neither of them do have a warm place to come home to. It sounds like they're overextended between them and blaming each other. When I wound up in a similar situation we sat down and listed our priorities together and decided what came off the list in terms of work hours (i.e. part time work) or tasks (hiring outside help). This is a marriage problem, but it's also a practical problem.
Yes. It seems like there is just too much on their plate period. Two people working more than 40 hours a week plus trying to raise a kid is just more work than two people can reasonably do. If dad doesn’t ever want to do chores or take care of the kids then mom would have to be the one to cut back her hours. Plus healthcare has way more part time options than law enforcement. That being said, the fact that he won’t do any dishes or play with his own kid or even give her a kiss is heartbreaking.
@@rebeccashields9626 I agree. It's sad. It just sounds like two tired, frustrated, hurting people.
He’s not overextended. He isn’t doing anything. He does nothing on the job (like most cops) and then he comes home and does nothing
GREAT ADVICE OF YOURS! Love from Above is needed also . Maturity, self- sacrifice, sense of humor. Takes a lot! Patience, hopefully a better season & hope ahead. I Corinthians 13 (THE LOVE CHAPTER) & counsel. Encouragement, joy, prayer...❤🙏
Got out of a marriage like the a year and a half ago. Married almost 11 years. It only got worse and he became completely absent from me and the kids. Finally realized he didnt want a relationship and didnt care. No regrets leaving that nightmare.
Why would anybody want to stay in this situation? The way she describes her existence is horribly depressing and bleak.
Newsflash: He's never gonna change.
Yeah, he probably wants to leave her, but he has a child and if he divorced her, he'd have to pay her for the next 18 years and will lose the child.
I think she's the one who changed...into a nag.
@@rattlehead999 so just stay in a loveless marriage?
EXACTLY I had to learn that the hard way
@@chrislim7976 nice way to project. I'm guessing your lazy too and you resent any woman that doesn't do everything for you
Divorce him! You will do less laundry, less ironing, less cooking, less cleaning etc. Your life will change for the better. You do not need him.
"Your life will change for the better"
Really? Have you asked other women who have? And what about the kids? Kick them to the kerb, huh?
@@ArmageddonIsHereother women have confirmed time and again that divorcing men who act useless as fathers and husband is so much better than staying with them
She'd be amazed at how much free time she'd have on her hands if she wasn't someone else's maid, cook and cleaning woman 24/7 (doormat essentially)
Doesn't seem fair does it, her having to washing his dirty underwear for the rest of her life? I'd let it pile up in the bin...forever. Lol
This is the classic irreconcilable differences divorce. Love just slowly deflates in action and in feeling until you have a flat tire and can't go forward anymore.
He resents the added stress of a child while she adjusted to it. And then he starts to resent her because she is calling him out!
I am in the same exact spot with my husband. I also work full time. I wish I could come home and not have to worry about cooking dinner, making appointments, or cleaning the house. having to ask someone to do it is like being their mom and no one wants to have to do that either..but if you don't do it.. you and your kids pay the price
Exactly. If one person slacks in basic responsibilities, that mean the other spouse has to carry a heavier load because someone needs to get the job done either way.
Start going out more often.. when he comes home and you're not home often then he'll wake up... don't make yourself so available to your husband just because you're married... sometimes people take you for granted when they know they have a lot of access to you
@@TheQueenIsWithin YESSSS THISSSSSS. i had to learn this the hard way but sure asf works. U gotta keep some form of distance and a sense of self. Cant feel guilty for not doing everything all the time.
I'm in your boat. Do all the cleaning, yardwork, cooking, house maintenance... and my husband comes home and plays video games for 8 hours straight (15 hours on his days off). He comes from a borderline hoarders family, so he doesn't see ANYTHING as messy. Literal piles of rotting dishes is just fine in his book. It's very frustrating.
@@melTiceTiger same exact story here
Depending respect without earning it hit close to my heart
I wonder if he was not a touchy feely man and not emotionally available when the wife married him. It seems this is impossible to overcome unless they are both motivated to do counseling. Either that, or he may need to decompress when he first gets home. Ask him what he needs to re-enter family life when he first comes home. Maybe he needs the first 20-30 minutes to himself to take a shower, lie down, whatever. I encourage the wife to take good care of herself. Best wishes.
SHE prolly stopped being intimate with him in the bedroom
And what if she needs the same? Who gets it?
@@lavadamorrison4569 they both need the same and they deserve it. It’s a question of creating a time and plan together so that both will get their needs met. I was just presenting one option out of many.
My father is like that and he is a police officer on retirement. I would be exhausted if I were this Lady to constantly pointing out what to do.
All you had to say is he is law enforcement. Been there and done with that. My ex would say his life and stress was more than mine, no matter what. I did not deny his stress and the fact that he had access to mental help at work and didn't, I could not do anything right. I straight up told him what I needed from him, what needed to change, I was unhappy and I was calm and nice. I asked him what he needed and he sat there with a dumb look on his face. My issues came from "I don't know how to do x, y, z.." at home but could be in charge of other people's lives at work, everyday! I know he needed trauma help but he would not get it. I set boundaries about what I could listen to from his job, because of my own trauma. He then would say he brings home the paycheck and I should not complain. I know this is old but I hope she got away from him.
If she’s in the medical field
She have it hard as well. As a nurse we see things you won’t imagine. Then she’s 100% doing the house work and with their kid. It’s not easy. He need to be a better husband in order for the relationship to work.
I don’t know her so I am not saying she is like that butI have seen a lot of times where wives belittled their husband openly , in front of others or even in a joking manner.
Doesn't even need to be done publicly..
Ajay Pai that is why I used the commas. So to point out different scenarios
shes sounds likes the typical working woman nurse, teacher etc that has a god complex and thinks shes gods gift to the world
That’s my mom :(
Agreed, Dr. John is a great addition to the Ramsey show. Dave Ramsey show becomes a one stop for all family/finance solutions.
Not going to work John. Not this guy.
This was my dad.
He did nothing in the house, ever to assist her, even when my mom went back to work when my brother was 11 and I was 13. He never did anything except work. He was a laborer and his job was physically exhausting, but all the house stuff/ food/ childcare was all on my mother.
She resented him for the entirety of their marriage.
I totally disagree with John. It's not all her responsibility to make her marriage work with a mentally vacant husband.
Hes not going to receive any affection. Hes not going to ever be what she needs.
Miss, dont end up like my mother.
Get out now.
He is NOT ever going to step up and be more affectionate or ever help you.
Get out and be happy.
I was in a very similar situation. I split up with him and never regretted it.
I have known men like this, they broke their women doing this. They have to speak up instead of behaving so extremely passive agressive. She can't read his mind. No good word for this man.
Sounds like two type A's with entitlement issues. Once it becomes about demands (instead of free will and putting more into the bucket) it's no longer a marriage. It's a hostage situation. Two crazy demanding careers with overtime is a bad idea. They need to cut expenses and work hours.
They are headed for divorce. She may nag but he won’t even kiss her or see a counselor. That’s ridiculous. She needs to make some plans to leave.
@Steven Steel יְהֹוָה husbands and wives should be intimate with each other. The fact that he won’t accept her affections isnt a simple problem. They need a counselor... oh wait... he’s refusing to see a counselor. Same with raising the child. These are serious problems and if he’s refusing to solve the problem, then he’s abandoned her and the child and that’s ground for divorce.
I wonder what she's doing on her part to change some of the stuff she's doing. She's saying go to a counselor but the first thing you have to do is look at yourself and say how are my actions affecting the marriage.
50% of marriages end in divorce, 70% of divorces are initated by women, women receive 80% of alimony, "yOu gO gUrL"
100%
I understand this one my husband was a Policeman, me an ER Nurse. He wanted me to do everything at home, including since we lived in remote communities no restaurants or Fast food, to prepare him meals while i was at work. He convinced me he couldnt mow the lawn because he was too allergic. He didnt have time to get off the couch to walk the dog. He did repairs on the home, but only if i handed him the tools. I could never do anything right. So i was grateful for his Father a higher ranking officer in the same force, newly retired, wouls drive to visit, saw me mowing and asked why? Told him. He said gee he had no allergies mowing MY lawn all his teen years. That dinner he brought it up that night at dinner, and gave his son a backhand across the shoulder, two giant men. F.I.L. roared how he hired home help for Mom who was a parttime Nurse. Son had forgotten that maid help. I left finally when he got an uneducated, never had a job gf, who got pregnant and would cook all the time for him. Me i was told i must work FT. So im sorry for this caller, not all of the strong silent types have a heart, many are narcissists.
My wife works harder and longer hours than I do.
I have given up discussing plans or chores or assignments or nagging.
I have the mindset and tell her "just tell me what to do and it done."
Yet...
I cannot do it as perfectly as she wants it to be done, or as quick as she wants it done... my way is not the way sooooo she says she will just do everything...
I got loads of time to help, but im not allowed to, yet im not much help...
I'm drained, tired. Emotionless when she tries to play mindgames.
This call is close to home, but different.
It's nice that you want to do your part but why do you need her to tell you what to do? You're an adult. You live in the same house. Shouldn't you know what needs to be done? Especially since she works outside the home more, it makes sense for you to be more in charge of the running of the household and managing the chores.
why does she need to give you directions like you’re a child? you don’t have eyes? you can’t tell when things need to be cleaned up? stop making her your mommy
He wants to be first? I’m so sick and tired of these narcissists!!! He sounds childish. Law Enforcement! Of course ! For the fact that he doesn’t WANT to be involved or help out just shows how selfish he is. Rolls his eyes when she tries to kiss him? Or hug him? Asking for help and what you need is NOT being critical!!!
Sister of an LEO here, it's quite possible the husband's lack of affection is the outcome of unrecognized trauma caused by stuff he has seen on the job. I hope that if he has the chance to get councelling first he will be more open to couples therapy later.
I couldn't imagine having such a distant partner. My wife and I both work full-time and different shifts and even if there's tension we hug often and I can't go to bed without at the very least kissing her forehead. I cook and clean on all my days off and she cooks and cleans on her days off, and we pick each other up when we fall.
JD you have just described why too much pressure is placed on law enforcement. The weight that is placed upon their shoulders needs to come off and distributed to other services in the community.
I agree
I appreciate the docs take on this situation. He gives compassionate but practical advice.
I have heard it takes being a friend to make a friend. She needs to sit him down and ask him about his needs, then address her needs- then develop a plan to meet in the middle.
Some people does not want to hear about developing a plan. You follow me that's all
Ha...dream on...he doesn't want any change...life is good for him why should he change....it's a man's world
Na. She just needs to leave. She is alone. She has always been alone. She needs to end it.
Well, I think she has done that by going to a counselor and asking him to go. He said no. He is not interested in saving his marriage. You can't force people to do anything they don't want to do. He knows what she needs because she has told him, she tries to hug or kiss him, and she is rebuffed. She addressed it and he said I am not a touchy-feely person; He is being passive aggressive which is a form of abuse. If he is a narcissist, she might as well run for the hills. The next question she should ask him is does he want a divorce, and does he love her. Her next step would be dependent on what his answer is. If he says he loves her and wants the marriage to work, then she should demand he go to counselling with her or she will leave. The balls is in his court. He gets the choice. Boundaries need to be set in this relationship.
It is funny how he asked if the man was always the it's my way or the highway type. She exclaimed that he wasn't like that. Turns out he is exactly like that.
A tale as old as time sadly... When she said “son” instead of husband in the beginning…. Freudian slip 😳
Marriage is over and it's been over for a while. How are you married for 4yrs and more than half of it its been rocky? They either married to quickly (which is something that's prevalent in both military and police) or they saw how incompatible they were and STILL got married. Move on and find someone that's actually compatible.
Yup.
My parents were together 50+ years… they had a terrible/non existent marriage… I would NEVER want a marriage like theirs.
I was experiencing this too. I didn't feel loved and my husband didn't feel respected. I got the book Love and Respect by Dr Eggerichs ( as suggested by Dave Ramsey) and it really gave me a great insight into how men and women think differently. Lots of tips on how to improve communication etc. Very worth reading it.
This should be a pinned post.
Feelings aside, men need to stop being selfish and help with the children and chores.
If the husband doesn’t choose to lean in, the wife should lean out for a week or two and leave the kid there and see if this makes him really want to be married. If he doesn’t hug or kiss, or care to have a friendship with the wife, then, it’s a crappy marriage.