How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- This is a good question. How can you forgive someone who isn't sorry? Let's first make sure we understand what forgiveness is and what it isn't. Forgiveness is not the act of granting or bestowing something upon someone. Forgiveness does not require a person to be sorry. Forgiveness does not let a person off of their wrong doings. Forgiveness does not mean that we agree that what happened was okay.
So then, what is forgiveness all about? Here are the steps on how to forgive someone who isn't sorry:
1. Turn your brain on
2. Reframe the experience
3. Take full responsibility
4. Write a new story
You'll definitely want to take notes during this one!
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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I truly have to say this channel has changed my life, I've learned so much to on how to live a better life. Thank you
Glad the channel is serving it's purpose.
It;s kind of like when you were younger and you get into a fight with a friend and he punches you in the face, but after that you both say sorry. Forgiveness is a decision but the next day doesn't mean your jaw is not going to hurt.
True, David Delgado, there may still be some pain after you have forgiven the other person, but forgiveness serves YOU the most anyway. A person can live their life and may not care if they've been forgiven by you. However, if you hold the grievance you risk developing a "victim mentality" and seeing everything through that paradigm. The grievance will infect you like poison. Forgiveness removes the poison so that long-term healing can happen.
Haha, if a so-called friend did that to me, I'd probably punch her/him back with a sledge hammer. Haha, sorry, I've always been this way, I never change! 😇🤭😡
I love the analogy with the snake.. naturally we know to get the venom out. The snake becomes less important, we may never find it. The body goes in protective mode, but we have to put the priority to what is most important.
The person that hurt you is the "snake," and that hurt is the "venom." Revenge is the "rock" used to try to hurt the snake for biting you. Forgiveness is the "antidote."
LadyQueen BBG, thanks for the thought.
You always hear to Forgive, but never told or taught how to do it
Ion R, that is so true. It helps to learn practical steps. Such a powerful principle when experienced.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks 🙂
Exactly! I have been doing it many times now, forgive that is. But the anger just wont let go of me! I also must say: revenge is underrated! Sometimes maybe the only thing that'll help you feel better? 😉
Try the 'Our father' or seventy times seventy
True. I say it all the time,but it doesn't work for me.I know it is what I must do, I need to be taught exactly how to do it. This video has helped. Perhaps the greatest example of forgiveness is Jesus, who forgave the people who ridiculed,tortured,and murdered him.
Watching this video again after 3 full years and makes a lot of sense
Thanks for updating. Sometimes we need to sit with something, especially on a subject like this.
I was about to not click on this video, thank God i did, i loved it!
Glad you clicked and enjoyed the video. Thank you, moneejo.
“Write a new story “ excellent advice .
Thanks, Nancy.
This video came at a great time for a great struggle I'm having with my husband. Thank you for clarifying what forgiveness really is, and breaking down how both a grievance and forgiveness is formed, and steps to forgive others! I'll be listening to these videos every day so it gets in my psyche!
Thank you! Honored to be on your team.
Very helpful. thank you. Great channel. A monk saw a scorpion on a leaf in water about to drown. he lifted it up and put it on the ground to save it but got stung repeatedly. A passerby asked why he would do such a thing. The monk replied 'it is the scorpions nature to sting and mine to save it.'
Oh wow! Perfect example.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Lol, as I read down your list of comments I was going to type that same phrase to pacifist575's comment; "Oh wow, perfect example."
Sometimes the forgiveness isn't for them Its for you. It helps to relieve the burden of the pain they caused you especially when there is nothing more you can do to solve the problem.
I experienced this in my.own life when my fiance was murdered 3 weeks b4 our wedding by someone he was suppose to be helping. I still to this day do not know who the person was that ended his life. At the time we were told it was an accident. The grief I felt was more than I could handle. I forgave whoever did it because I couldn't carry the emotional burden of dwelling on him and having hate and bitterness in my heart. Instead I focused on my grief and my loss. In life you got to pick your battles.
Catholic Faith of Mine, thank you for this vulnerable post. I am so sorry this happened and it truly shows how difficult forgiveness can be, but how vital.
I'm discovering your channel and I like it sooooooo much! The way you re helping us to empowering our live, our choices and our decisions, your pedagogy and your very good sense of humor. I'm smiling and sometimes laughing in front of my phone. I also like - but don't know how to say it correctly in English - the way you are speaking of humans problems... Like we have it all in common in some way so we re like a big team, facing the same. This is heartwarming and in someway it does make the probleme less overwhelming . I really enjoy it 😁
Marie R, thanks, we are all in this together.
Wow this is brilliant, thank you! I can apply this.
Wonderful!
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.
Suzanne Rodriguez, exactly!
Wonderful presentation. Full if truth.
BUT.......I I had not been born again in Christ, I would never had the opportunity to be here and grow.
Thanks.
tina, you are welcome. Thanks for watching.
This happens even everyday with me😑 the day I started sensing and now I m 20 yrs and this is never ending process .
SHÍVÁNÍ with bracket wali smile, I hope you are able to find peace.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You are so welcome!
Fantastic! Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤❤
And thank you for watching.
Thank you so much. This has really blessed me.
I'm so glad!
This is really helpful and insightful and I also have a question. When the person being forgiven believes all the myths you mentioned, and this is someone intimate in our lives, how do we move forward in a positive direction? The one being forgiven believes that the events that took place were OK, accepted, erased, and a clean slate has been started. Does this mean we should only forgive in private and not directly to the offender?
The natural consequence of forgiving someone that believes all the forgiveness myths is recurrence of the offense in the future as they now feel it was justified and that the other person will simply continue to forgive and move on.
If the behavior occurs again, then was the person really sorry to begin with? Sounds like there is distrust and that needs to be resolved. Some counseling might be helpful here to learn how to communicate.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV An apology isn't necessarily in response to someone being sorry though right? In my situation the person that I am forgiving sees my apology as me accepting their behavior and agreeing not to react badly next time. Basically as me saying "I forgive you for what you did since now that you explained all the reasons your intentions were good I see that I over reacted" therefore by forgiving I've taken the responsibility for the disagreement. Would it be better to try to get them to understand what the myths are and explain what the apology is and what it isn't? And in the case where the forgiveness is not for the other person why would you ever need to tell them about it? Thanks for your response and I really appreciate your videos and perspective.
Such people couldn't care less what you thought or if you forgive them or not because their life, thoughts, feelings etc are not ruled by whatever anybody else thinks or feels. They are captains of their own ship and on their own mission and will push aside anybody and anything they perceive as irrelevant. They don't say sorry because they simply don't say or do anything they will later feel sorry about. And why would they care about your "sorry" to them, if you mean nothing to them, anyway? It's just how they are. I just accept that is how they are. And leave them on their mission I may not be able to relate to. That's OK. So long as they don't harm me, they can do as they wish. I don't have to like it or agree or demand any useless pointless apology they won't willingly offer, anyway. Just let them go. Of, course, if they demand an apology from me for something I feel no need to apologise for, I stare them in the eyeballs, at very close range and calmly reply. "No! I owe you nothing!". And walk off.
Anne Marie May, thank you for sharing.
Your a hero!!!! Thank u for everything u do!!
Macy Emerson, honored to be on your team.
Clicked once, listened twice!
Come back anytime.
why it is necessary.to forgive ..
So we can move on and not give any more of our time to the person who hurt us.
Thank you so much for your videos, tips and humour! It is all very helpful, best wishes!
Liv Liv, you are welcome.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏☘
Jill Hardy, you are very welcome.
I don't even know if we can call it forgiveness. It sounds like its just acknowledgement of what's controllable and what isn't and disciplining the self to navigate within what is controllable...that's where the power is...
Thank you...I hope I can hold on to the feeling of this insight beyond this post...😂..
Brae TV, you can come back as often as you need to.
Actually forgiving someone has more impacts on you than on the person you forgive
So true. We need forgiveness for our personal growth.
wow. that feels better, thank you. thank you.
Letting go and moving on does feel wonderful, Clean Living in Crete. Glad to have you at the channel.
You are a brilliant man
Pierre you honor me - thanks for watching! DrPaul
good stuff
Thanks, Janet L.
This is something I go through, someone discriminated against my disability and said “I don’t need to apologize!” and he blamed me for something he thought I did happen to him, even after lying to the police, the cops chose to charge me instead. It’s tough.
That is tough, J7JoYoPro Studios. I'm sincerely sorry that happened to you. Just remember that dwelling on the past, and/or holding a grievance will not serve you well. If there is anything to learn from the situation, learn it, apply it, and move on. Forgiving benefits you more than the other person, and it definitely doesn't excuse their behavior.
Thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV.
I’m so sorry 😞. That would make me very angry 😡
Ok I understand the background information and I understand that there are just times where it is impossible for the abuser to say or be sorry. But I just don't understand what your steps are to do about it... other than your last statement about forgive or don't forgive basically. I'm trying to reword this as best I can
Stephanie Me, choose to forgive for you, not them. Don't allow them to take up more of your life than they already have.
Maybe we need to use a different word. Like instead of saying forgive, using a word that is just for the victim. "moving up"
How to move up from the abuser.
Gloria, move up and move on.
Something happened between me and my best friend... We promised each other to tell the truth but she lied and when I confronted her , she denied the truth..... And that's not what hurt me.. What hurt me was , she accused me of being mean and a bad friend... Because I valued oour friendship so much.. I simply said that she might have had some confusion. Its okay let's leave it... Now it's eating me up that she really didn't admit her lie.. Or mistake... And she isn't sorry... Should I forgive her. We've been friends for a long time and our friendship hasn't been always perfect. But we have a lot of fun with each other..... What she lied about wasnt a big thing. But what hurt me was thst she didn't admit it and accused me. We promised each other of telling the truth... Please tell me should I forgive her or confront her. I don't have many friends... And I don't want to lose her. But also it's disturbing me. How to let it go.. ?? And she doesn't even think anything is wrong right now. She's just acting like we're all past that .
Tanya B, I cannot tell you what to do, but I will ask you to ponder what is more important: forgiving her and moving on? You keep her friendship and continue the fun this way. Or you can confront her, which may cause her to be defensive once again & leave if she feels threatened. You said that the lie wasn't about a big thing, and you don't want to lose her. It sounds to me like you want to keep her friendship, but ultimately it's up to you.
Wow .what a good idea .l love you🎉❤🎉🎉🎉🎉
Excellent
Anthony Colclough, very powerful. Thanks for watching.
Snake venom analogy ... amaazzzing!
Rachel G., that one is good.
So helpful and insightful! How hard it is to give up the hope and desire that someone will acknowledge that they hurt us, that they robbed us, that they damaged us, that they did wrong.
Here's a quote that blessed me: "Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what was broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean. The dream explains why we need to be forgiven, and why we must forgive. In the presence of God, nothing stands between Him and us--we are forgiven. Be we cannot feel His presence if anything is allowed to stand between ourselves and others."---Dag Hammarskjold, Markings.
Amiens Arabellis, Thank you for the quote.
I was actually screamed at by someone to forgive. A deaf lady taught me how to forgive a horrible crime. She said say out loud I forgive so and do for...
Linda Moses, powerful lesson.
Very good... only disagree on 11:30 it could have been anyone... it takes a certain mentality to enter into a certain game... hard to explain, but I hope I got the idea across... not distributing guilt here, it's a game... the game of life and convictions...
Thank you for watching and commenting. You can disagree anytime.
I love this! 😊
Jasmine Cleveland, honored to be on your team.
Thank u much appreciated
You're very welcome!
What if it’s your husband? I can’t even leave bc lying is not grounds for divorce and I can’t stay and be loving and mediocre bc of how I feel. Trying to avoid bitterness by leaving ASAP.
sarah delgado, please consider marriage counseling. It can truly help. We have a "How to Fix a Marriage that's been Damaged" playlist. If it's worth it to try to salvage your relationship, you may want to browse & see if anything is relevant here: ua-cam.com/video/X9jb5bOyilk/v-deo.html. Thanks for watching.
They're here in tge story only to illuminate ne as a hrro yeaaaah nice
It works.
I really like this video!
Thank you, Xiyue Wang! Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
My friend hurt me. She is horrible to me when we are around other people. This has happened several times before, but I have never confronted her about it...until recently. I told her that I am fed up of being treating this away, and that I don't want to hear any excuses. She said 'I never intended to be rude' which makes it worse, because she is lying to me. She sent me an apology, but I don't know if she means it. I think she is only apologising because her mum told her too, and she is worried about facing the problem. Please help me. What do I do? Do I accept her apology, and we go back to normal? Or do I leave it?
Iola, it depends on what you want to do. Weight the facts about each and then go with your gut. If it doesn't work, you can switch the plan.
Don’t agree with your point on feelings. Feelings change, feelings are fickled. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling! Also just because you forgive, doesn’t mean you trust or excuse the behavior of that person. Trust is earned and takes a long time to regain!
Thanks for commenting, Melody Myers. I really appreciate you writing in.
The venom is killing you,get the venom out,before going after the snake,wow thank you.👍🏼👍🏽👍🏿,no wonder the back of my head hurts.i will forgive.💖
Jessica R SugaPlum, Thanks for watching.
Forgiveness Overrated
Thank you for watching, Mildred Harrison.
Forgiveness only occurred by God when someone is remorseful and repentant. If someone is not repentant, there is no need to forgive them. You can feel sorry for your past as to what that evil person has done, but the Bible points out people that are unrepentant will not be saved. Otherwise God would've forgiven Satan the devil who still is not sorry. When someone has no remorse, Their destiny according to the Bible is "for those practicing sin and not showing repentance is their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which means Eternal destruction . That's the only way the rest of us will be able to heal and to be at peace.
Benjamin Moore, the forgiveness is to help us move on.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Maybe you're right, but I have no problem moving on from somebody that isn't sorry.
A victim story jajajaja
Carlos Del Cid, thank you for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV good content... 👍
God does not require you to forgive those who He does not forgive.
RobertMOdell, we might disagree a bit on this, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that when we forgive others, we are freeing ourselves.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Sort of like the WWII concentration camp victims?
'It happened to me but it isn't about me.'
'Take full responsibility for how you feel without taking the blame for the abuse'
selam Selam, you got this!
@selam. Very powerful comment. Thank you. I will try to follow the advice, as a very nasty incident just happened with me and my brother and i can't yet get passed the hurt, the unfairness and the insult. But i will try. Thank you
@@odegasheru9991 It happened to me with my best friend a few months ago. We did not communicate but in our essence is fairness and love. Give it time, it will be resolved by itself.
I've just come across you're video on forgiveness.I found it to be extremely concise, compassionate and comprehensive. Thank you.
Thank you Todd - my psychology practice is a great spectator sport, I've learned a lot through the honor of observing people's lives. Also honored that you are watching! DrPaul
Amen!
“It’s giving up our demand for a better past” - wow thank you for sharing
It removes a burden from our shoulders and allows us to move forward, Idyllic_ Visionz. Powerful stuff.
Yeah, that was powerful.
Oh gosh. Mind blown.
Thought that was quite an insightful point too. Glad to know someone else found it striking too
How do you give up?
"Take responsability but not the fault" Thank you for these words Dr. Paul! My mother has NPD, and it is taking everything I've got to get over her last episode. I am in the "saving my life" mode right now after her bite. I watch your videos every day! They help me be a better mom, spouse, and friend.
I am honored that you are finding value in the videos, Patty AAP. Thank you for being a part of the Live On Purpose family.
Good for you, Patty. It's horrible to have to compare one's parent to a poisonous snake, but if the shoe fits...and we don't have an infinite amount of time and there are also, almost always, other people involved.
Teared up listening to Karen story. "It could have been anyone. what kind of kids get abused? Kinds that were available to the abuser. She was abused not because of who she was but because of who he(abuser) was." Deeply touched by these words. This video and this channel is pure gold
Chelsea Han, thank you, glad you are here.
Yes! Such a great truth - whoever crosses paths with the evil is who the evil goes after. Not your fault.
This is still a tough one for me. I know it wasn’t my fault or had nothing to do with me ... but it affected me and my whole life in a way that I hardly haven’t been able to function as a human.
T L, try to think of it as not giving them any more power over you. Live the way you want. Take back the control.
Unforgiveness keeps a soul in Prison..in the past..
God will forgive us to the degree we forgive..The Lord's Prayer. God commanded us to forgive for us..to be in health
unforgivness is being imprisoned..while the other person has forgotten it..
Ephesians 4:26 KJV
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
Forgiveness sets us free from the offense..We need God's forgiveness. To heal our souls.His mercy and Grace
God will help us to forgive
Seek Him while today is today
Call upon Him
Acts 4:12 KJV
12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
I don’t know what you have been through specifically but what you said really resonates with me too, I really hope we find some kind of relief and control back
@@AryaDeVil_EN I do hope that as well for us. I try the best I can with the tools I have and always continue to search for ways to heal and try to reprogram my whole self from what seems to be extreme complex post traumatic stress disorder paired up with being diagnosed by a neurological team of doctors with (what the medical field call) chronic life debilitating illnesses (medium-severe M.E., mast cell activation syndrome, and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and which are worsened by all types of stress.
It’s tough, lonely and at times feels like nothing but living life in hell, so thank you for your comment. I wish you all the best.
One day maybe it’s possible to fully one hundred percent forgive. But I haven’t found that feeling or tools how to.
Why should you forgive someone who isn't sorry? Even God requires that we first ask him for forgiveness...
S H, it is so we can move on and Live On Purpose.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV You're probably right. God will also forgive you if someone else asks him to forgive you.
But what if the person harming you continues to try and harm you? What if they're still actively trying to take from you? I don't think God wants us to lay down and be victimized either...
God wants us to forgive others - as he forgives us...it's so simple, and yet so difficult at the same time...
Yes, this makes a lot of sense, a portion of my past (7 years with an abusive x) no longer matters because I have fixed my life (home, job, self-esteem) and spent 11 years learning, healing, growing, putting theories in to practice. So I forgive my xh for the violence and abuse because it no longer matters. Yet it is harder to completely put aside the fact that my Mum raised me to have no sense of myself at all. My mother is a well-intentioned person but my childhood still matters and I guess my childhood will always matter. But yes, you're right, I'm not the judge and in the rest of my life and philosophy, I believe that I am tolerant and tolerate everything except judgement. I am trying to get to know my children, to SEE their real selves and allow them their emotions, negative as well as positive. You are very articulate.
Thank you AS Stanley - honored to be on your team. I think you would also love our Parenting Power-up Audio Course that I just recorded with Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com. DrPaul
Ugh, I'm not crying. Such a great video. Thanks for sharing that story.
Maranda Parker, thank you for watching, it means a lot.
Hearing Elizabeth Smart talk about forgiveness being for herself was life changing for me, it wasn’t for anyone else, it’s for us. Great video thank you ❤️
Elizabeth Smart is absolutely amazing. She's a great example to us all. Thank you, Clover Flois.
I dont forgive people that are not sorry. I cut them out of my life.
Denise Hutchins, that is always an option.
i think that's the toughest thing that prevents me to get to forgiveness. that they are not sorry, they won't even admit it, and it doesn't even matter to them. The sense of injustice and there's this incredible disbelief that they got away with so much. omg it's so hard but i don't want to hold myself hostage by my past either
Yo Yoyo, consider the idea. Just sit with it for a while and imagine a world where you aren't weighed down by the heaviness of it any longer. It doesn't have to happen today. Glad you are here.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you
Same here people don’t realize what they do so I keep a distance with those people but than I feel I m keeping grudges for them which is not good either
Accept the fact that there is evil in the world and try to avoid it.
Marguerite Rose, Very good advice, don't go looking for it.
It really is a great video. Thank you so much! I'm still trying to understand how to apply the "don't take it personally" thing. Some things really do feel like they couldn't happen to just anyone (who isn't me). Especially family issues...
You're so welcome! Fingertiple, it takes a long time and work to be able to deflect what people are saying, especially if it is specifically aimed at you. Take a look at some of the other videos on the subject to get some ideas.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV What other vidoes in particular would you recommend for this issue of not taking things personally, even when it's aimed at you?
How about the topic of, say, a cheating spouse? SURE the other spouse is THE ONE who was personally betrayed, yes. But I'd look at it as having happened because the cheater was a cheater - not because s/he was specifically married to YOU. Ya know? If one's sister screams at them it's mainly because she a screamer; not because of whatever triggered her. I can't "cause" someone to scream, or cheat or... much of anything. It's up to each of us how to act. At least that's the sort of stuff I tell myself when I try to avoid taking others' bad behavior personally - it's not ABOUT me, how they act is about who THEY are.
"Forgiveness is giving up the demand for a better past" wow, that was powerful, thank you.
You are welcome.
"Without Goliath, David is just some punk kid throwing rocks "
Karen's story reminded me of mine.
But - I'll never stop fighting for myself and my family.
Ana Mirkailo, I'm glad, and we are here for you.
David was protecting his sheep.
My son was asked by my parents to take on the responsibility of POA if they needed. There came a day when Dad was gone and Mom was no longer able to make her own decisions. My sister took him to court, falsely accused my son of dastardly evil, got POA for herself, went into Mom's house, took all the family heirlooms and photos, sold everything she didn't want, and sold the house. All without my knowledge and without Mom's permission or knowledge. I was forbidden to visit my mom, and did not see her the last year of her life. Then I was not even told when she died. I found out when I was sent court papers, since I was listed as an "interested party", and at the top of one of the pages was handwritten the words "Ward is deceased". This was two months after Mom was dead. I was devastated. Still am. Family photos of genearations past, photos of myself as a little girl, photos of my kids, things my parents had willed to me and my sons..all gone. And no way to say goodbye to my mom or comfort her as she lay dying. I HATE my sister, and forgiveness has been impossible. I have been trying to forgive. I have read books and watched countless videos, and I had come to the conclusion that I had neither the knowledge of how to nor even the capacity to ever forgive. Then I saw this video. And I think I know how now. My forgiving her will not let her off the hook for the despicable things she did. It will not change the past either, nor right the wrongs that were done. But forgiving her will release me from the bondage of hate, the chains of the past, and will let me live for today and move unfettered into tomorrow. That is my hero story. I am the hero casting off the filth and chains her actions created, the hero who is moving into tomorrow as a whole, peaceful, powerful woman. I get it now, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the gift you gave me. 8:00 pm, July 20, 2021, the time and date of my liberation.
I am so sorry for what was done to you, Melissa. Glad you are writing your story and living the life you love.
I like take the responsibility but not the fault. But in cases of child abuse it really breaks my heart. Even being assaulted and raped as a teenager I feel was better than that happening in my single digits. My heart breaks for Karen and all the love and attention she deserved. ❤️
Thank you for your compassion. Such a difficult thing to go through.
My way of forgiving is just letting go of the offense AND of the offender. Who needs toxicity in life? People who don't take responsibility for their actions lack empathy and conscienceness. They never regret what they did or omitted. Why bother with them?
Gloria Price, that is a choice that sounds like it has served you well.
Give up the judicial role - powerful
Thank you.
Wow, your video is a god sent, I have been dealing with a situation in which I have had a super hard time granting myself permission to forgive someone that has caused me a great deal of heart and soul pain.
My personal story: A few years ago I met a man from the music industry, Well to make a long story short, in a matter of three weeks I was running for cover, and I mean closing my home door to that individual because by the time he was done with me I felt raped, For Real!
If a woman says that she doesn't want to have sex, the man should NOT question her, he should back off and NOT want to force himself on the woman, Period!
Yes Juana - YOU get to decide those boundaries and nobody else has any right to violate that. I'm glad you're here. DrPaul
I’m really sorry 😞 you endured that and wish you all the best
What helped me to forgive my parents (dad neglectful, non-present, no physical affection etc.) and mother (verbally and emotionally abusive and consistently critical and negative) was to take a clear-eyed look at their own role models. What i found was this: dad's father (whom I met as a kid but remember well) was a wife-beater and alc. To be honest he looked like a disheveled transient when I met him as a kid and I instantly disliked his personality. Mom's mother was a major drama queen, neurotic, and I now believe she had some undiagnosed mental illness.. Her husband left her and my mom and the narrative I was given was that they were the pitiful victims of his abandonment. I now believe he left because my grandmother was a constant hen-pecker, verbally shaming and abusive.. If it's parents who abused you it can help to take a clear-eyed look at THEIR role models. That and the traumatizing affects of WW2 (both parents were in the armed forces; my dad lost part of a leg and was traumatized as he was a medic)) were enough to allow me to forgive them, which i did spontaneously one early morning in a state of meditation and prayer. (And yes, I did it for myself as the anger and bitterness were eating away at me). The result was I stopped castigating myself for never having confronted them as an adult. I had exactly one real chance to do so when they visited my brother and I in Los Angeles in the '80s but I did not do so as my dad had had open heart surgery and looked terrible so I thought it might kill him to know how abusive mom was. As a result of forgiving them the weight of all that resentment dropped from my shoulders. It has been an awesome experience and I no longer ruminate over the abuse/neglect at all. And yes, I am a hero!
You definitely are a hero. Thank you for sharing this story. There is so much good in here that will help others.
Just leave them. No need to feel guilt over what they did. Many will not forget. But do not use forgive as weakness. Or as to enable that behavior.
Archangel Michael
Thank you.
Steps to forgiveness:
1. Get air and blood flow to your brain breathing, yoga, meditation
2. Reframe the experience to take less personally. Aka it wasn't really my fault , it was my moms fault and it would have happened to someone else if I weren't there
3. Take full responsibility for how you feel but do not take the blame for the abuse
4. Write a new story that is inspiring that shows the light. Without Goliath David is some punk kid throwing rocks
You got it!
Forgiveness is one thing; but DONT EXPOSE yourself to more abuse by being in that persons presence again. avoid serial abusers...
Lauren, good advice.
It’s pretty sad that videos that benefit us the most are the least watched.. I really need to learn to take it less personal.. I’m just not sure how to
UmMunir Bashiah, we have several videos on the channel, check out our playlist. If you feel like you could benefit from one on one coaching, go to www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
What are you talking about? You and your followers always leave out what Jesus said: if he repents, you shall forgive him. Neither will God forgive you unless you repent. There's no such thing as forgiveness without repentance. You're a false teacher and you're causing people not to take sins seriously.
Romanw, I don't think I am doing that. I am a Christian and I do believe in forgiveness, not everyone does and this channel is for everyone.
Yes! I love your loving directness and I will be sharing this my clients who need to understand what forgiveness is and is not!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Bernadette Allen. So grateful to UA-cam helping to get the message out.
Wow you give therapy a good name I’ll tell you you’re the most animator therapist I’ve ever heard you like almost like a minister I really loved hearing us rewrite the story to be the hero don’t play the victim don’t personalize the injury could’ve been anybody anybody that does what I did with with Garner their kind of attacks they attack anybody that they think deviates from their spiritual philosophy and they can’t help it they were indoctrinated with it so I don’t have to take it personally I have bleach blonde hair and they think this is a Satanic idol worshiping gesture of demonic proportions as insane as that is they really believe that they think I’m trying to be bigger than God I’m an artist I wear flamboyant clothes and I’m 61 so it’s a little bit eccentric I realize but it’s my personality and I enjoy it and I believe God is inspiring me to be this way on purpose for a reason I am a humanitarian but we don’t need to look like stereotypical images of what a preacher would be or humanitarian would look like we can just be ourselves and we’re scarred maybe my bleach hair is part of my scars but I don’t need to race who I was to please other people like when Jesus came out and he had scars he didn’t like totally heal up the wound he he was proud of it I’m proud of where I come from and I don’t need to be ashamed of it I really appreciate the sub lecture it was powerful and I am touching and healing by the way I use Luma file I went to an eye doctor because my eyes were red and it’s not a prescription you can get it over the counter I think it’s like $12 not sure it’s not it it’s not like prescription drug but it it definitely was the one thing that my eyes responded to and it got the red out so I just wanted to share that with you in case you are are still dealing with red eyes it was chronic for me and that it’s healed up and I’m very grateful and these are the same friends that are criticizing me for having blonde hair and being a whore bag that turned me onto this eyedrops so it’s funny how the people that get hurt is the most and also help you the most insane isn’t it love and light from the desert thank you 🌈❤️🔥🙏🤍👱🏻♀️⛈🖼💌🧸🥰🎉
I wish you the best.
How about "I forgive you because you don't know any better". My siblings are older then me. Sixteen and seventeen years. I am the youngest child. They both have stated I don't matter to them and they have no sister. I suppose no matter what or who I was the younger sibling in the family would be resented by them.
Sadie, wow! They don't know what they are missing out on. Sisters are awesome.
Why are male ministers and counselors so hung up on forgiveness? It's just another way of putting the onus on the victim. Why don't women instead turn our abusers over to God (since turning them over to the law often just does more damage) and get on with our lives? Anger can be a marvelous creative force...
Giving my perspective in over 30 years of clinical experience.
How can I forgive my narcissistic mother in law and her supporters. Who hurt me really badly emotionally and verbally?
I don't know. It will take some time if it is still going on. Can you distance yourself from the situation?
I struggle with this constantly. Do I need to tell the person i'm forgiving them?
Not necessarily. Sometimes the person is no longer around. Forgiveness heals us and you don't need to tell the person, Sherri Southwell.
Amen, forgiveness is different than reconciliation. I'm learning this now and trying to help my husband through this.
Great steps, but I am not sure I understand everything exact. Some more samples would be helpful. Or even a demonstration?
Noted, we will consider that for another video.
Did you mention what happened to your client? Did I miss it? Did she go on to do better?
Yes, she did.
How do you not take it personally when the person literally says they chose to leave because of your behavior...like my husband abandoning our marriage and having an affair.
He could have made different choices about his perception and how to handle his feelings. He chose to cheat - that says a lot about him, not necessarily you. It sounds like he was trying to excuse his behavior by blaming you. What you are going through is hurtful and you are not wrong about how you feel. Just decide to do something with those feelings so you don't stay stuck there.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you. This was the best explanation of how to reframe it that I have come across yet. I kept blaming myself for what he did which is soul crushing. I do, however, hold myself accountable for the things I may have done to contribute to the problem.
Well as a abuser and someone who got abused, this is a danger of either forgiveness or revenge
Forgiveness lets us let go of the anger without putting ourselves in a position of causing harm to ourselves.
Fantastic!
Thank you.
I am unable to forgive 3 abusers. I watch videos like yours and try to figure it out. But it doesn't change how I feel about them. I wish someone could explain to me exactly how to forgive. I just can't seem to get there.
Anita Rushlow, it is a process and you might not be ready yet. I believe it will happen though. Hang in there.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I don't know if this is okay but I have asked Jesus to forgive them until I can. It's the only thing I can think of to do.
"Create and retell a victim story" and "then write a new story"
fred jones, yes, tell yourself the story with you as the hero. It works.
I have a similar story, except he is not dead. and I won't forgive him, but I have taken the poison out from myself.
Thanks for watching, Sabi.
I have been with you for a short time but I have changed a lot to control my anger with my little boy and control emotion to my exhusband.
thu Moore, that is awesome. You can do this, thanks for commenting so others can see it is possible.
You're so animated 😂. I LOVE it.
Can you fix the audio whine on your sound equipment?
It is fixed, this is an older video.
Off course I forgive if I want forgiveness 🎉
Please don't go into it expecting forgiveness since it needs to be done unconditionally.
Yes! Finally some practical advice without all the bible preaching! Thank you.
Thanks it helped but I'm still angry ; only a fool holds on to their anger am trying
Ashley Gill, keep trying everyday and it will come. Don't give up.
I have listened to a lot of different people regarding forgiveness from Pastor's to psychologist's and this is the 1st time I have truly understood and accepted what i should do, why I should do it and how to really forgive. Thank you. "When the student is ready....."😅