"Take responsability but not the fault" Thank you for these words Dr. Paul! My mother has NPD, and it is taking everything I've got to get over her last episode. I am in the "saving my life" mode right now after her bite. I watch your videos every day! They help me be a better mom, spouse, and friend.
Good for you, Patty. It's horrible to have to compare one's parent to a poisonous snake, but if the shoe fits...and we don't have an infinite amount of time and there are also, almost always, other people involved.
@selam. Very powerful comment. Thank you. I will try to follow the advice, as a very nasty incident just happened with me and my brother and i can't yet get passed the hurt, the unfairness and the insult. But i will try. Thank you
@@odegasheru9991 It happened to me with my best friend a few months ago. We did not communicate but in our essence is fairness and love. Give it time, it will be resolved by itself.
Thank you Todd - my psychology practice is a great spectator sport, I've learned a lot through the honor of observing people's lives. Also honored that you are watching! DrPaul
Teared up listening to Karen story. "It could have been anyone. what kind of kids get abused? Kinds that were available to the abuser. She was abused not because of who she was but because of who he(abuser) was." Deeply touched by these words. This video and this channel is pure gold
Exactly! I have been doing it many times now, forgive that is. But the anger just wont let go of me! I also must say: revenge is underrated! Sometimes maybe the only thing that'll help you feel better? 😉
True. I say it all the time,but it doesn't work for me.I know it is what I must do, I need to be taught exactly how to do it. This video has helped. Perhaps the greatest example of forgiveness is Jesus, who forgave the people who ridiculed,tortured,and murdered him.
Hearing Elizabeth Smart talk about forgiveness being for herself was life changing for me, it wasn’t for anyone else, it’s for us. Great video thank you ❤️
This is still a tough one for me. I know it wasn’t my fault or had nothing to do with me ... but it affected me and my whole life in a way that I hardly haven’t been able to function as a human.
Unforgiveness keeps a soul in Prison..in the past.. God will forgive us to the degree we forgive..The Lord's Prayer. God commanded us to forgive for us..to be in health unforgivness is being imprisoned..while the other person has forgotten it.. Ephesians 4:26 KJV “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” Forgiveness sets us free from the offense..We need God's forgiveness. To heal our souls.His mercy and Grace God will help us to forgive Seek Him while today is today Call upon Him Acts 4:12 KJV 12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
I don’t know what you have been through specifically but what you said really resonates with me too, I really hope we find some kind of relief and control back
@@AryaDeVil_EN I do hope that as well for us. I try the best I can with the tools I have and always continue to search for ways to heal and try to reprogram my whole self from what seems to be extreme complex post traumatic stress disorder paired up with being diagnosed by a neurological team of doctors with (what the medical field call) chronic life debilitating illnesses (medium-severe M.E., mast cell activation syndrome, and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and which are worsened by all types of stress. It’s tough, lonely and at times feels like nothing but living life in hell, so thank you for your comment. I wish you all the best. One day maybe it’s possible to fully one hundred percent forgive. But I haven’t found that feeling or tools how to.
I love the analogy with the snake.. naturally we know to get the venom out. The snake becomes less important, we may never find it. The body goes in protective mode, but we have to put the priority to what is most important. The person that hurt you is the "snake," and that hurt is the "venom." Revenge is the "rock" used to try to hurt the snake for biting you. Forgiveness is the "antidote."
It;s kind of like when you were younger and you get into a fight with a friend and he punches you in the face, but after that you both say sorry. Forgiveness is a decision but the next day doesn't mean your jaw is not going to hurt.
True, David Delgado, there may still be some pain after you have forgiven the other person, but forgiveness serves YOU the most anyway. A person can live their life and may not care if they've been forgiven by you. However, if you hold the grievance you risk developing a "victim mentality" and seeing everything through that paradigm. The grievance will infect you like poison. Forgiveness removes the poison so that long-term healing can happen.
Haha, if a so-called friend did that to me, I'd probably punch her/him back with a sledge hammer. Haha, sorry, I've always been this way, I never change! 😇🤭😡
I'm glad I've learned the value of forgiveness in my life. Every day after 30 had been lived with fully forgiving others, it took me a bit longer learning to prioritize self forgiveness just the same. What a difference this has made.
I have listened to a lot of different people regarding forgiveness from Pastor's to psychologist's and this is the 1st time I have truly understood and accepted what i should do, why I should do it and how to really forgive. Thank you. "When the student is ready....."😅
I've watched many videos on forgiveness but none of them have touched on the experience of being hurt like this one has. I've never had a problem forgiving people before even in experiences where one would be expected to hold a grudge, but this one thing hit me hard and continues to poison my mind. I don't think I've forgiven that person yet but I accept that forgiveness is something I need to practice. That's why I return here every few months to remind myself of the feeling this video gave me. I know the information well and I knew it all before I ever watched the video, but the delivery gave me something that I couldn't give myself. That's why I keep coming back. I hope that it helps others as it has helped me.
I stumbled on your channel a few hours ago. My personal view so far is that forgiveness IS something that is granted to someone who merits it. What you seem to be describing is more akin to what I would describe as letting go, something I have trouble doing.
i think that's the toughest thing that prevents me to get to forgiveness. that they are not sorry, they won't even admit it, and it doesn't even matter to them. The sense of injustice and there's this incredible disbelief that they got away with so much. omg it's so hard but i don't want to hold myself hostage by my past either
Yo Yoyo, consider the idea. Just sit with it for a while and imagine a world where you aren't weighed down by the heaviness of it any longer. It doesn't have to happen today. Glad you are here.
Same here people don’t realize what they do so I keep a distance with those people but than I feel I m keeping grudges for them which is not good either
Yes, this makes a lot of sense, a portion of my past (7 years with an abusive x) no longer matters because I have fixed my life (home, job, self-esteem) and spent 11 years learning, healing, growing, putting theories in to practice. So I forgive my xh for the violence and abuse because it no longer matters. Yet it is harder to completely put aside the fact that my Mum raised me to have no sense of myself at all. My mother is a well-intentioned person but my childhood still matters and I guess my childhood will always matter. But yes, you're right, I'm not the judge and in the rest of my life and philosophy, I believe that I am tolerant and tolerate everything except judgement. I am trying to get to know my children, to SEE their real selves and allow them their emotions, negative as well as positive. You are very articulate.
Thank you AS Stanley - honored to be on your team. I think you would also love our Parenting Power-up Audio Course that I just recorded with Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com. DrPaul
It's the first time I've searched about this and I can't believe I've found a story which is 100% similar to mine. Sure, this video really helped a lot. Thanks for this. But I still can't find forgiveness in my heart. I can still feel anger everytime I remember what happened. I still have the trauma. And the fact that my stepfather passed away just last month, I'm feeling so miserable. I don't know what to feel. But yeah, thanks for this. Keep doing videos like this.
And, Anne, I'm thinking "anger" is appropriate, but I consider forgiveness as a sort of "writing off" like a rabid animal bit into me - I can't afford to let hate for that animal rent space in my head. It was rabid, I'll always be sorry it tore into me, but I've released it to the animal-control people and I'm done with it.
This video came at a great time for a great struggle I'm having with my husband. Thank you for clarifying what forgiveness really is, and breaking down how both a grievance and forgiveness is formed, and steps to forgive others! I'll be listening to these videos every day so it gets in my psyche!
Very helpful. thank you. Great channel. A monk saw a scorpion on a leaf in water about to drown. he lifted it up and put it on the ground to save it but got stung repeatedly. A passerby asked why he would do such a thing. The monk replied 'it is the scorpions nature to sting and mine to save it.'
Those first four (phony) steps were really funny once I realized they were a set up, lol. Thank you for the advice, for your energy in putting together your script, and for your practical advice.
It really is a great video. Thank you so much! I'm still trying to understand how to apply the "don't take it personally" thing. Some things really do feel like they couldn't happen to just anyone (who isn't me). Especially family issues...
You're so welcome! Fingertiple, it takes a long time and work to be able to deflect what people are saying, especially if it is specifically aimed at you. Take a look at some of the other videos on the subject to get some ideas.
How about the topic of, say, a cheating spouse? SURE the other spouse is THE ONE who was personally betrayed, yes. But I'd look at it as having happened because the cheater was a cheater - not because s/he was specifically married to YOU. Ya know? If one's sister screams at them it's mainly because she a screamer; not because of whatever triggered her. I can't "cause" someone to scream, or cheat or... much of anything. It's up to each of us how to act. At least that's the sort of stuff I tell myself when I try to avoid taking others' bad behavior personally - it's not ABOUT me, how they act is about who THEY are.
This was very good especially how to stop seeing yourself as a victim even though you where. I can’t see doing it when you still have contact with the person on a regular basis.
You are a great person and a psychologist. Your kind of psychology is unusual as it goes deeper than the usual one. It comes from experience combined with humanity. Thank you very much for your videos, they are helpful.
I'm discovering your channel and I like it sooooooo much! The way you re helping us to empowering our live, our choices and our decisions, your pedagogy and your very good sense of humor. I'm smiling and sometimes laughing in front of my phone. I also like - but don't know how to say it correctly in English - the way you are speaking of humans problems... Like we have it all in common in some way so we re like a big team, facing the same. This is heartwarming and in someway it does make the probleme less overwhelming . I really enjoy it 😁
thank you for this message. . it helped me a lot. now , I am free of all the hatred and pain . I learned to let go. thanks for guiding me. I've downloaded this video and watched it over and over again. until it sank in.. and now I feel better. . . thank you very much. God bless you always!
Sometimes the forgiveness isn't for them Its for you. It helps to relieve the burden of the pain they caused you especially when there is nothing more you can do to solve the problem. I experienced this in my.own life when my fiance was murdered 3 weeks b4 our wedding by someone he was suppose to be helping. I still to this day do not know who the person was that ended his life. At the time we were told it was an accident. The grief I felt was more than I could handle. I forgave whoever did it because I couldn't carry the emotional burden of dwelling on him and having hate and bitterness in my heart. Instead I focused on my grief and my loss. In life you got to pick your battles.
Catholic Faith of Mine, thank you for this vulnerable post. I am so sorry this happened and it truly shows how difficult forgiveness can be, but how vital.
Ha! Such a heavy topic addressed in an entertaining and sometimes funny way. GREAT delivery! We can't demand a better past, you're right. It's also a great plan, as you suggest, to choose feel victorious. I'm enjoying your videos, thanks.
This may be 3 years old, but it's helpful, I'm struggling with this presently with my son and his wife, things are still going terrible everyday, what a struggle,
Thank-you for this. Especially about framing it so it's not personal and viewing it as the perpetrator owns that behavior---and that it has nothing to do with who you are. I was bullied everyday as a kid (by the same group of girls k-8) then I would come home and get relentlessly put down by my older brother. He never showed me any real affection until we were adults and even then it feels weird for him to be nice. But, I still try to be open. Anyway, the constant teasing all day long made me convinced that there must be something about me that makes me undeserving of acceptance. I only felt safe and at peace when I was alone in my room, so I became extremely shy and developed major social anxiety. To this day, I get nervous meeting up with groups of women (I recently had a baby and going to a baby and me group was important but also hugely nerve wracking as being in a group of girls again was a huge trigger), but I can't tell you how much more confidence I would've had if someone had told me IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
You are valuable, Rosalyn Anne Beauty. Meeting others may be hard, but you are now showing your child how to deal with the world. Be confident and you have this!
Wow, your video is a god sent, I have been dealing with a situation in which I have had a super hard time granting myself permission to forgive someone that has caused me a great deal of heart and soul pain. My personal story: A few years ago I met a man from the music industry, Well to make a long story short, in a matter of three weeks I was running for cover, and I mean closing my home door to that individual because by the time he was done with me I felt raped, For Real! If a woman says that she doesn't want to have sex, the man should NOT question her, he should back off and NOT want to force himself on the woman, Period!
you've just made another fan. i have struggled for many years to forgive my ex, who died long ago. i've known for a long time that i needed to forgive him, for my own well-being. but, somehow, i kept on resenting the abuses that affect my relationships with our daughters, my financial and emotional well-being. he has been dead for many years. as i listened to you, i could feel the long-held resentment drain away. will i have relapses ? i hope not. will continue to listen to your messages---thank you !
In April 2021 with 38, 825 views of this video it appears this video resonates with a lot of people.😉Along with a few other of your video's slowly it feels like I can move forward on a betrayal which also involves deep concern for two senior dogs that need protecting. It has been 10 months of working on the betrayal issue. 🙃Yes, I hired a Canadian coach and need to find another avenue. Revisiting this video was helpful, especially when the negative self talk starts up and that feeling that it was so "unfair" that this happened at all. Time to learn more on how to handle myself in these challenging times. 🤔 Yes, Dr. Paul, this is how things roll down here on earth. Yes, Dr. Paul, we will be able to handle it as evidence from a lot of previous challenges in ones path and that we handled those as well-maybe not in the best way but it was handled and lessons were hopefully learned. Yes, Dr. Paul, trillions of people have felt the way we have felt and more will in the future. We are not alone. 😉 It is the way things are down here on earth, love, hate, challenges, victories, and eventual growth are all part of life. Time to reach out, even if it costs money, to learn how to live our best life. One reply from Live on Purpose TV that I received was that we do our best realizing that we have limitations. Now that is another point to learn to accept eh! ⭐️😷 Dr. Paul, I hope you are staying safe during these intense times during the pandemic. Thank you again.💯🇨🇦
Red flags 911, please call the suicide prevention line and know that there is hope and life after anyone who has hurt you. Please reach out to a trusted friend or adviser.
Back again Dr. Paul...this video was needed to be watched again..😉.and just look at the increase in views since last month....1000 more people have watched it! 👍You are making a positive effective difference in our lives! 💚Thank you so much...💛🌈. Making it a hero story is the driving force re framing of my situation that is helping me to cope. 🇨🇦. Dr. Paul, during this covid pandemic😷 a silver lining is working on oneself for the better good eh😉 It is taking a lot of work, and tough feelings to deal with in the process..😐..yet we are not alone in our journey of "how things roll down here on earth!" 😉. Steady as she goes💪🙃🇨🇦
My son sacrificed everything he had for people who wouldn’t even wipe his brow for him now that he’s so close to the fire. Pray for my son and those like him. They disguise their pain for anger to justify inflicting harm on another.
Jennifer Young, you make a good point. The anger inside us can come out in different ways that are misinterpreted. I hope your son is able to get some help.
It’s pretty sad that videos that benefit us the most are the least watched.. I really need to learn to take it less personal.. I’m just not sure how to
UmMunir Bashiah, we have several videos on the channel, check out our playlist. If you feel like you could benefit from one on one coaching, go to www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
When someone is either unwilling or incapable of acknowledging the pain they may have caused, I pray they someday find the insight, wisdom, grace, or that I find understanding someday of their perspective, but I acknowledge to myself that the needs I have in the situation are not likely to get met here… and I forgive myself for getting here. I recognize they might not be capable… to give me the apology or repentance I would hope for. They might not have the insight or want it. Once I realize that, it’s easier to let their lack of insight go, their lack of regard for my feelings or my safety or whatever. I tell myself, “they have given me all they are capable of or willing to”. “At this point, I can chose to accept it, or hound them for more, incessantly, using all my energy wrapped up in anger while my psyche harasses them for the rest of our existence…” If I want to move on, I have to let it go, even though it wasn’t ok. I can take lessons from that experience and apply them if red or orange flags come up in my future. That can empower me instead of weaken me as I chase an insatiable dream.
thank you so much for this, it was really helpful. taking a moment to look at the situation from that perspective of " it happend to me, but it's not about me" it's the best advice i could been given. Also that analogy about how you should try to get the venom of a snake out insted of looking for it and killing it, because getting the venom out is more important, it really helps.
I don't even know if we can call it forgiveness. It sounds like its just acknowledgement of what's controllable and what isn't and disciplining the self to navigate within what is controllable...that's where the power is... Thank you...I hope I can hold on to the feeling of this insight beyond this post...😂..
This is really helpful and insightful and I also have a question. When the person being forgiven believes all the myths you mentioned, and this is someone intimate in our lives, how do we move forward in a positive direction? The one being forgiven believes that the events that took place were OK, accepted, erased, and a clean slate has been started. Does this mean we should only forgive in private and not directly to the offender? The natural consequence of forgiving someone that believes all the forgiveness myths is recurrence of the offense in the future as they now feel it was justified and that the other person will simply continue to forgive and move on.
If the behavior occurs again, then was the person really sorry to begin with? Sounds like there is distrust and that needs to be resolved. Some counseling might be helpful here to learn how to communicate.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV An apology isn't necessarily in response to someone being sorry though right? In my situation the person that I am forgiving sees my apology as me accepting their behavior and agreeing not to react badly next time. Basically as me saying "I forgive you for what you did since now that you explained all the reasons your intentions were good I see that I over reacted" therefore by forgiving I've taken the responsibility for the disagreement. Would it be better to try to get them to understand what the myths are and explain what the apology is and what it isn't? And in the case where the forgiveness is not for the other person why would you ever need to tell them about it? Thanks for your response and I really appreciate your videos and perspective.
Dr. Paul, will you please briefly elaborate the reason for why we need to consider ourselves the hero of our story? What purpose does this serve? Thank you.
The hero stands up to the bad guy or situation and struggles but eventually overcomes the struggle. Think about every movie with a hero, they have to have a bad guy to fight or something to overcome.
Great question (and reply from Dr. Paul). If we want to overcome the obstacles in our lives then we become the victor! We're "over-comers" and our life story is one that tells of our success. Even the hero's sometimes get pretty beat-up but in the end they've overcome whatever was the obstacle. EVEN if it was something in themselves. Yay for victory!
"Without Goliath, David is just some punk kid throwing rocks " Karen's story reminded me of mine. But - I'll never stop fighting for myself and my family.
My son was asked by my parents to take on the responsibility of POA if they needed. There came a day when Dad was gone and Mom was no longer able to make her own decisions. My sister took him to court, falsely accused my son of dastardly evil, got POA for herself, went into Mom's house, took all the family heirlooms and photos, sold everything she didn't want, and sold the house. All without my knowledge and without Mom's permission or knowledge. I was forbidden to visit my mom, and did not see her the last year of her life. Then I was not even told when she died. I found out when I was sent court papers, since I was listed as an "interested party", and at the top of one of the pages was handwritten the words "Ward is deceased". This was two months after Mom was dead. I was devastated. Still am. Family photos of genearations past, photos of myself as a little girl, photos of my kids, things my parents had willed to me and my sons..all gone. And no way to say goodbye to my mom or comfort her as she lay dying. I HATE my sister, and forgiveness has been impossible. I have been trying to forgive. I have read books and watched countless videos, and I had come to the conclusion that I had neither the knowledge of how to nor even the capacity to ever forgive. Then I saw this video. And I think I know how now. My forgiving her will not let her off the hook for the despicable things she did. It will not change the past either, nor right the wrongs that were done. But forgiving her will release me from the bondage of hate, the chains of the past, and will let me live for today and move unfettered into tomorrow. That is my hero story. I am the hero casting off the filth and chains her actions created, the hero who is moving into tomorrow as a whole, peaceful, powerful woman. I get it now, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the gift you gave me. 8:00 pm, July 20, 2021, the time and date of my liberation.
What helped me to forgive my parents (dad neglectful, non-present, no physical affection etc.) and mother (verbally and emotionally abusive and consistently critical and negative) was to take a clear-eyed look at their own role models. What i found was this: dad's father (whom I met as a kid but remember well) was a wife-beater and alc. To be honest he looked like a disheveled transient when I met him as a kid and I instantly disliked his personality. Mom's mother was a major drama queen, neurotic, and I now believe she had some undiagnosed mental illness.. Her husband left her and my mom and the narrative I was given was that they were the pitiful victims of his abandonment. I now believe he left because my grandmother was a constant hen-pecker, verbally shaming and abusive.. If it's parents who abused you it can help to take a clear-eyed look at THEIR role models. That and the traumatizing affects of WW2 (both parents were in the armed forces; my dad lost part of a leg and was traumatized as he was a medic)) were enough to allow me to forgive them, which i did spontaneously one early morning in a state of meditation and prayer. (And yes, I did it for myself as the anger and bitterness were eating away at me). The result was I stopped castigating myself for never having confronted them as an adult. I had exactly one real chance to do so when they visited my brother and I in Los Angeles in the '80s but I did not do so as my dad had had open heart surgery and looked terrible so I thought it might kill him to know how abusive mom was. As a result of forgiving them the weight of all that resentment dropped from my shoulders. It has been an awesome experience and I no longer ruminate over the abuse/neglect at all. And yes, I am a hero!
Would love your advice. I am trying my best to forgive so that my mind will be free of all negative thoughts associated with ‘him’. However, is forgiveness consistent with wanting to get rid of ‘him’ so that I can get rid of the source of the negativity and not have to go through this ‘forgiveness’ path again?
Elaine Teo, hard to answer in a UA-cam comment so as not to be misunderstood, but yes. There are reasons to forgive and part of it may be that you don't give the abuser any more access to your time, thoughts or any of your resources. You will use them now to build positivity.
“It’s giving up our demand for a better past” - wow thank you for sharing
It removes a burden from our shoulders and allows us to move forward, Idyllic_ Visionz. Powerful stuff.
Yeah, that was powerful.
Oh gosh. Mind blown.
Thought that was quite an insightful point too. Glad to know someone else found it striking too
How do you give up?
"Take responsability but not the fault" Thank you for these words Dr. Paul! My mother has NPD, and it is taking everything I've got to get over her last episode. I am in the "saving my life" mode right now after her bite. I watch your videos every day! They help me be a better mom, spouse, and friend.
I am honored that you are finding value in the videos, Patty AAP. Thank you for being a part of the Live On Purpose family.
Good for you, Patty. It's horrible to have to compare one's parent to a poisonous snake, but if the shoe fits...and we don't have an infinite amount of time and there are also, almost always, other people involved.
"Forgiveness is giving up the demand for a better past" wow, that was powerful, thank you.
You are welcome.
'It happened to me but it isn't about me.'
'Take full responsibility for how you feel without taking the blame for the abuse'
selam Selam, you got this!
@selam. Very powerful comment. Thank you. I will try to follow the advice, as a very nasty incident just happened with me and my brother and i can't yet get passed the hurt, the unfairness and the insult. But i will try. Thank you
@@odegasheru9991 It happened to me with my best friend a few months ago. We did not communicate but in our essence is fairness and love. Give it time, it will be resolved by itself.
I've just come across you're video on forgiveness.I found it to be extremely concise, compassionate and comprehensive. Thank you.
Thank you Todd - my psychology practice is a great spectator sport, I've learned a lot through the honor of observing people's lives. Also honored that you are watching! DrPaul
Amen!
Teared up listening to Karen story. "It could have been anyone. what kind of kids get abused? Kinds that were available to the abuser. She was abused not because of who she was but because of who he(abuser) was." Deeply touched by these words. This video and this channel is pure gold
Chelsea Han, thank you, glad you are here.
Yes! Such a great truth - whoever crosses paths with the evil is who the evil goes after. Not your fault.
You always hear to Forgive, but never told or taught how to do it
Ion R, that is so true. It helps to learn practical steps. Such a powerful principle when experienced.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks 🙂
Exactly! I have been doing it many times now, forgive that is. But the anger just wont let go of me! I also must say: revenge is underrated! Sometimes maybe the only thing that'll help you feel better? 😉
Try the 'Our father' or seventy times seventy
True. I say it all the time,but it doesn't work for me.I know it is what I must do, I need to be taught exactly how to do it. This video has helped. Perhaps the greatest example of forgiveness is Jesus, who forgave the people who ridiculed,tortured,and murdered him.
Hearing Elizabeth Smart talk about forgiveness being for herself was life changing for me, it wasn’t for anyone else, it’s for us. Great video thank you ❤️
Elizabeth Smart is absolutely amazing. She's a great example to us all. Thank you, Clover Flois.
This is still a tough one for me. I know it wasn’t my fault or had nothing to do with me ... but it affected me and my whole life in a way that I hardly haven’t been able to function as a human.
T L, try to think of it as not giving them any more power over you. Live the way you want. Take back the control.
Unforgiveness keeps a soul in Prison..in the past..
God will forgive us to the degree we forgive..The Lord's Prayer. God commanded us to forgive for us..to be in health
unforgivness is being imprisoned..while the other person has forgotten it..
Ephesians 4:26 KJV
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
Forgiveness sets us free from the offense..We need God's forgiveness. To heal our souls.His mercy and Grace
God will help us to forgive
Seek Him while today is today
Call upon Him
Acts 4:12 KJV
12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
I don’t know what you have been through specifically but what you said really resonates with me too, I really hope we find some kind of relief and control back
@@AryaDeVil_EN I do hope that as well for us. I try the best I can with the tools I have and always continue to search for ways to heal and try to reprogram my whole self from what seems to be extreme complex post traumatic stress disorder paired up with being diagnosed by a neurological team of doctors with (what the medical field call) chronic life debilitating illnesses (medium-severe M.E., mast cell activation syndrome, and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and which are worsened by all types of stress.
It’s tough, lonely and at times feels like nothing but living life in hell, so thank you for your comment. I wish you all the best.
One day maybe it’s possible to fully one hundred percent forgive. But I haven’t found that feeling or tools how to.
I truly have to say this channel has changed my life, I've learned so much to on how to live a better life. Thank you
Glad the channel is serving it's purpose.
I love the analogy with the snake.. naturally we know to get the venom out. The snake becomes less important, we may never find it. The body goes in protective mode, but we have to put the priority to what is most important.
The person that hurt you is the "snake," and that hurt is the "venom." Revenge is the "rock" used to try to hurt the snake for biting you. Forgiveness is the "antidote."
LadyQueen BBG, thanks for the thought.
It;s kind of like when you were younger and you get into a fight with a friend and he punches you in the face, but after that you both say sorry. Forgiveness is a decision but the next day doesn't mean your jaw is not going to hurt.
True, David Delgado, there may still be some pain after you have forgiven the other person, but forgiveness serves YOU the most anyway. A person can live their life and may not care if they've been forgiven by you. However, if you hold the grievance you risk developing a "victim mentality" and seeing everything through that paradigm. The grievance will infect you like poison. Forgiveness removes the poison so that long-term healing can happen.
Haha, if a so-called friend did that to me, I'd probably punch her/him back with a sledge hammer. Haha, sorry, I've always been this way, I never change! 😇🤭😡
I'm glad I've learned the value of forgiveness in my life. Every day after 30 had been lived with fully forgiving others, it took me a bit longer learning to prioritize self forgiveness just the same. What a difference this has made.
So glad. Thank you for letting us know, your comment can help others give it a try.
I have listened to a lot of different people regarding forgiveness from Pastor's to psychologist's and this is the 1st time I have truly understood and accepted what i should do, why I should do it and how to really forgive. Thank you. "When the student is ready....."😅
I've watched many videos on forgiveness but none of them have touched on the experience of being hurt like this one has. I've never had a problem forgiving people before even in experiences where one would be expected to hold a grudge, but this one thing hit me hard and continues to poison my mind. I don't think I've forgiven that person yet but I accept that forgiveness is something I need to practice. That's why I return here every few months to remind myself of the feeling this video gave me. I know the information well and I knew it all before I ever watched the video, but the delivery gave me something that I couldn't give myself. That's why I keep coming back. I hope that it helps others as it has helped me.
Awesome, you are leaving the possibility open. It will happen when the timing is right.
Ugh, I'm not crying. Such a great video. Thanks for sharing that story.
Maranda Parker, thank you for watching, it means a lot.
I stumbled on your channel a few hours ago. My personal view so far is that forgiveness IS something that is granted to someone who merits it. What you seem to be describing is more akin to what I would describe as letting go, something I have trouble doing.
It could be described that way. It is forgiving so you can move on.
Stay strong sensitive souls❤️❤️ you all deserve love and kindness ❣️
i think that's the toughest thing that prevents me to get to forgiveness. that they are not sorry, they won't even admit it, and it doesn't even matter to them. The sense of injustice and there's this incredible disbelief that they got away with so much. omg it's so hard but i don't want to hold myself hostage by my past either
Yo Yoyo, consider the idea. Just sit with it for a while and imagine a world where you aren't weighed down by the heaviness of it any longer. It doesn't have to happen today. Glad you are here.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you
Same here people don’t realize what they do so I keep a distance with those people but than I feel I m keeping grudges for them which is not good either
Yes, this makes a lot of sense, a portion of my past (7 years with an abusive x) no longer matters because I have fixed my life (home, job, self-esteem) and spent 11 years learning, healing, growing, putting theories in to practice. So I forgive my xh for the violence and abuse because it no longer matters. Yet it is harder to completely put aside the fact that my Mum raised me to have no sense of myself at all. My mother is a well-intentioned person but my childhood still matters and I guess my childhood will always matter. But yes, you're right, I'm not the judge and in the rest of my life and philosophy, I believe that I am tolerant and tolerate everything except judgement. I am trying to get to know my children, to SEE their real selves and allow them their emotions, negative as well as positive. You are very articulate.
Thank you AS Stanley - honored to be on your team. I think you would also love our Parenting Power-up Audio Course that I just recorded with Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com. DrPaul
I was about to not click on this video, thank God i did, i loved it!
Glad you clicked and enjoyed the video. Thank you, moneejo.
Learning how the mind is connected to the body, is medicine!
It truly is.
Bitterness tears your heart apart...well said.
I'm glad you got something valuable out of the video, David Delgado. Thank you for watching.
I need to and will watch this over and over again - this is so helpful. Thank you, Dr. Paul.
Glad we have UA-cam so you can come back any time you want and please share away.
It's the first time I've searched about this and I can't believe I've found a story which is 100% similar to mine. Sure, this video really helped a lot. Thanks for this. But I still can't find forgiveness in my heart. I can still feel anger everytime I remember what happened. I still have the trauma. And the fact that my stepfather passed away just last month, I'm feeling so miserable. I don't know what to feel. But yeah, thanks for this. Keep doing videos like this.
Anne Celones, it is a journey and you are on the journey. It is o.k. if you are not to forgiveness yet. I am glad you are here.
And, Anne, I'm thinking "anger" is appropriate, but I consider forgiveness as a sort of "writing off" like a rabid animal bit into me - I can't afford to let hate for that animal rent space in my head. It was rabid, I'll always be sorry it tore into me, but I've released it to the animal-control people and I'm done with it.
Wish I'd have known this years ago, but I recently learned how freeing this process is. Thanks for giving it words. Love.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for being here at the channel.
This video came at a great time for a great struggle I'm having with my husband. Thank you for clarifying what forgiveness really is, and breaking down how both a grievance and forgiveness is formed, and steps to forgive others! I'll be listening to these videos every day so it gets in my psyche!
Thank you! Honored to be on your team.
Watching this video again after 3 full years and makes a lot of sense
Thanks for updating. Sometimes we need to sit with something, especially on a subject like this.
Fantastic!
Thank you.
Yes! I love your loving directness and I will be sharing this my clients who need to understand what forgiveness is and is not!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Bernadette Allen. So grateful to UA-cam helping to get the message out.
“Write a new story “ excellent advice .
Thanks, Nancy.
Very helpful. thank you. Great channel. A monk saw a scorpion on a leaf in water about to drown. he lifted it up and put it on the ground to save it but got stung repeatedly. A passerby asked why he would do such a thing. The monk replied 'it is the scorpions nature to sting and mine to save it.'
Oh wow! Perfect example.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Lol, as I read down your list of comments I was going to type that same phrase to pacifist575's comment; "Oh wow, perfect example."
Those first four (phony) steps were really funny once I realized they were a set up, lol. Thank you for the advice, for your energy in putting together your script, and for your practical advice.
You're so welcome! S.G., love UA-cam and interacting with all of you.
It really is a great video. Thank you so much! I'm still trying to understand how to apply the "don't take it personally" thing. Some things really do feel like they couldn't happen to just anyone (who isn't me). Especially family issues...
You're so welcome! Fingertiple, it takes a long time and work to be able to deflect what people are saying, especially if it is specifically aimed at you. Take a look at some of the other videos on the subject to get some ideas.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV What other vidoes in particular would you recommend for this issue of not taking things personally, even when it's aimed at you?
How about the topic of, say, a cheating spouse? SURE the other spouse is THE ONE who was personally betrayed, yes. But I'd look at it as having happened because the cheater was a cheater - not because s/he was specifically married to YOU. Ya know? If one's sister screams at them it's mainly because she a screamer; not because of whatever triggered her. I can't "cause" someone to scream, or cheat or... much of anything. It's up to each of us how to act. At least that's the sort of stuff I tell myself when I try to avoid taking others' bad behavior personally - it's not ABOUT me, how they act is about who THEY are.
This was very good especially how to stop seeing yourself as a victim even though you where. I can’t see doing it when you still have contact with the person on a regular basis.
It is a process, Lois Semanek. It might take some time.
You are a great person and a psychologist. Your kind of psychology is unusual as it goes deeper than the usual one. It comes from experience combined with humanity.
Thank you very much for your videos, they are helpful.
Wow, thank you! Honored to be on your team.
I'd love to but im 50 in February ever lived with borderline person personality all my life and I'm overwhelmed I can't wait for it to be over
I hear you, I just hope that you can find some joy in the journey.
I'm discovering your channel and I like it sooooooo much! The way you re helping us to empowering our live, our choices and our decisions, your pedagogy and your very good sense of humor. I'm smiling and sometimes laughing in front of my phone. I also like - but don't know how to say it correctly in English - the way you are speaking of humans problems... Like we have it all in common in some way so we re like a big team, facing the same. This is heartwarming and in someway it does make the probleme less overwhelming . I really enjoy it 😁
Marie R, thanks, we are all in this together.
thank you for this message. . it helped me a lot. now , I am free of all the hatred and pain . I learned to let go. thanks for guiding me. I've downloaded this video and watched it over and over again. until it sank in.. and
now I feel better. . . thank you very much. God bless you always!
This is a powerful message, Shelee Rukia. I am glad you found it valuable.
well.. I struggled a lot with this .. how to forgive others and myself as well.. so this video helped me a lot.
I have been with you for a short time but I have changed a lot to control my anger with my little boy and control emotion to my exhusband.
thu Moore, that is awesome. You can do this, thanks for commenting so others can see it is possible.
Absolutely excellent. Trying to Write a better story.
Sometimes the forgiveness isn't for them Its for you. It helps to relieve the burden of the pain they caused you especially when there is nothing more you can do to solve the problem.
I experienced this in my.own life when my fiance was murdered 3 weeks b4 our wedding by someone he was suppose to be helping. I still to this day do not know who the person was that ended his life. At the time we were told it was an accident. The grief I felt was more than I could handle. I forgave whoever did it because I couldn't carry the emotional burden of dwelling on him and having hate and bitterness in my heart. Instead I focused on my grief and my loss. In life you got to pick your battles.
Catholic Faith of Mine, thank you for this vulnerable post. I am so sorry this happened and it truly shows how difficult forgiveness can be, but how vital.
Ha! Such a heavy topic addressed in an entertaining and sometimes funny way. GREAT delivery! We can't demand a better past, you're right. It's also a great plan, as you suggest, to choose feel victorious. I'm enjoying your videos, thanks.
Ms. Smith, thank you, glad you are here. Please share with anyone you think would benefit.
God bless you Dr Paul. I was looking for an answer like this for months!!! Thank you🙏
Glad it was helpful!
This may be 3 years old, but it's helpful, I'm struggling with this presently with my son and his wife, things are still going terrible everyday, what a struggle,
Carol Brasket, these principles are timeless, glad you saw the video.
You're so animated 😂. I LOVE it.
Thank-you for this. Especially about framing it so it's not personal and viewing it as the perpetrator owns that behavior---and that it has nothing to do with who you are. I was bullied everyday as a kid (by the same group of girls k-8) then I would come home and get relentlessly put down by my older brother. He never showed me any real affection until we were adults and even then it feels weird for him to be nice. But, I still try to be open. Anyway, the constant teasing all day long made me convinced that there must be something about me that makes me undeserving of acceptance. I only felt safe and at peace when I was alone in my room, so I became extremely shy and developed major social anxiety. To this day, I get nervous meeting up with groups of women (I recently had a baby and going to a baby and me group was important but also hugely nerve wracking as being in a group of girls again was a huge trigger), but I can't tell you how much more confidence I would've had if someone had told me IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
You are valuable, Rosalyn Anne Beauty. Meeting others may be hard, but you are now showing your child how to deal with the world. Be confident and you have this!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV yes! I've been really loving all your parenting videos 💜
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.
Suzanne Rodriguez, exactly!
Wow, your video is a god sent, I have been dealing with a situation in which I have had a super hard time granting myself permission to forgive someone that has caused me a great deal of heart and soul pain.
My personal story: A few years ago I met a man from the music industry, Well to make a long story short, in a matter of three weeks I was running for cover, and I mean closing my home door to that individual because by the time he was done with me I felt raped, For Real!
If a woman says that she doesn't want to have sex, the man should NOT question her, he should back off and NOT want to force himself on the woman, Period!
Yes Juana - YOU get to decide those boundaries and nobody else has any right to violate that. I'm glad you're here. DrPaul
I’m really sorry 😞 you endured that and wish you all the best
I really like your personality and the way you put things. And your advice is priceless!
Sylhomeo, thank you, so kind.
Accept the fact that there is evil in the world and try to avoid it.
Marguerite Rose, Very good advice, don't go looking for it.
This happens even everyday with me😑 the day I started sensing and now I m 20 yrs and this is never ending process .
SHÍVÁNÍ with bracket wali smile, I hope you are able to find peace.
Well as a abuser and someone who got abused, this is a danger of either forgiveness or revenge
Forgiveness lets us let go of the anger without putting ourselves in a position of causing harm to ourselves.
Clicked once, listened twice!
Come back anytime.
This doc is awesome, good character and good advices.
Thank you, Lidija.
Give up the judicial role - powerful
Thank you.
Wow this is brilliant, thank you! I can apply this.
Wonderful!
I would like to thank you for your advice and I struggle with unforgiving and it was quite hard to do it but I really appreciate your help
You are welcome, Aldean Blair. I'm honored to have someone like you - who is trying - on Live On Purpose TV. : )
You’re not alone.
@@BadEconomyOfficial thank you
you've just made another fan. i have struggled for many years to forgive my ex, who died long ago. i've known for a long time that i needed to forgive him, for my own well-being. but, somehow, i kept on resenting the abuses that affect my relationships with our daughters, my financial and emotional well-being. he has been dead for many years. as i listened to you, i could feel the long-held resentment drain away. will i have relapses ? i hope not. will continue to listen to your messages---thank you !
Welcome to our positive community. Glad you are here.
You are a very gifted man , thank you , x
Wow, thank you, christine.
In April 2021 with 38, 825 views of this video it appears this video resonates with a lot of people.😉Along with a few other of your video's slowly it feels like I can move forward on a betrayal which also involves deep concern for two senior dogs that need protecting. It has been 10 months of working on the betrayal issue. 🙃Yes, I hired a Canadian coach and need to find another avenue. Revisiting this video was helpful, especially when the negative self talk starts up and that feeling that it was so "unfair" that this happened at all. Time to learn more on how to handle myself in these challenging times. 🤔 Yes, Dr. Paul, this is how things roll down here on earth. Yes, Dr. Paul, we will be able to handle it as evidence from a lot of previous challenges in ones path and that we handled those as well-maybe not in the best way but it was handled and lessons were hopefully learned. Yes, Dr. Paul, trillions of people have felt the way we have felt and more will in the future. We are not alone. 😉 It is the way things are down here on earth, love, hate, challenges, victories, and eventual growth are all part of life. Time to reach out, even if it costs money, to learn how to live our best life. One reply from Live on Purpose TV that I received was that we do our best realizing that we have limitations. Now that is another point to learn to accept eh! ⭐️😷 Dr. Paul, I hope you are staying safe during these intense times during the pandemic. Thank you again.💯🇨🇦
Meg's Carpentry, I am glad you come back and watch the videos when you need them.
Thank you for your time. I appreciate you so much.
You are welcome, Revolution. Thank you for watching.
Letting go is different from forgiveness. Letting go is not caring anymore. But forgiving means trusting again.
Ahead of The Curve, it doesn't necessarily mean trusting that person again.
Yeah it's hard my mother isn't sorry nor is anyone that has pushed me into wanting to end it!
Red flags 911, please call the suicide prevention line and know that there is hope and life after anyone who has hurt you. Please reach out to a trusted friend or adviser.
hang in there...Forgiveness GIVES YOU FREEDOM. Love yourself and i hope you heal soon... I KNOW THE FEELING
Fantastic! Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤❤
And thank you for watching.
Back again Dr. Paul...this video was needed to be watched again..😉.and just look at the increase in views since last month....1000 more people have watched it! 👍You are making a positive effective difference in our lives! 💚Thank you so much...💛🌈. Making it a hero story is the driving force re framing of my situation that is helping me to cope. 🇨🇦. Dr. Paul, during this covid pandemic😷 a silver lining is working on oneself for the better good eh😉 It is taking a lot of work, and tough feelings to deal with in the process..😐..yet we are not alone in our journey of "how things roll down here on earth!" 😉. Steady as she goes💪🙃🇨🇦
Meg's Carpentry, We are not alone in our journey and I am glad we can be a part of yours.
I really like your style too. Thank God for you! 😗
Thank you for watching, Isabel Gil.
My son sacrificed everything he had for people who wouldn’t even wipe his brow for him now that he’s so close to the fire. Pray for my son and those like him. They disguise their pain for anger to justify inflicting harm on another.
Jennifer Young, you make a good point. The anger inside us can come out in different ways that are misinterpreted. I hope your son is able to get some help.
It’s pretty sad that videos that benefit us the most are the least watched.. I really need to learn to take it less personal.. I’m just not sure how to
UmMunir Bashiah, we have several videos on the channel, check out our playlist. If you feel like you could benefit from one on one coaching, go to www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
Oh WOW!!! Honestly i think you're absolutely amazing but this video WOW i SO needed to hear this.
THANK YOU MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT!!! 😊🤗
Janet Spiteri, thank you.
Wow! Thank you so much. I learned a few new insights that were so helpful.
Thrilled to hear it Robin - thanks for watching! DrPaul
I needed to hear this. My sincere thank you.
You are very welcome.
Thank you so much. This has really blessed me.
I'm so glad!
Wonderful video as always. Thank you so much Dr Paul
It is a tough topic, Irene Ifere Ohia, but one that is critical for our growth. Thanks for watching.
Thanks. Very interesting video. So spot on!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Your a hero!!!! Thank u for everything u do!!
Macy Emerson, honored to be on your team.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You are so welcome!
I’m astonished! This is a life saver. Thank you so very much!
SUZANNE BUNBURY, glad you came across it.
When someone is either unwilling or incapable of acknowledging the pain they may have caused, I pray they someday find the insight, wisdom, grace, or that I find understanding someday of their perspective, but I acknowledge to myself that the needs I have in the situation are not likely to get met here… and I forgive myself for getting here. I recognize they might not be capable… to give me the apology or repentance I would hope for. They might not have the insight or want it.
Once I realize that, it’s easier to let their lack of insight go, their lack of regard for my feelings or my safety or whatever. I tell myself, “they have given me all they are capable of or willing to”.
“At this point, I can chose to accept it, or hound them for more, incessantly, using all my energy wrapped up in anger while my psyche harasses them for the rest of our existence…”
If I want to move on, I have to let it go, even though it wasn’t ok. I can take lessons from that experience and apply them if red or orange flags come up in my future. That can empower me instead of weaken me as I chase an insatiable dream.
Love this, thank you for sharing.
Amazing video - thank you very much
thank you so much for this, it was really helpful. taking a moment to look at the situation from that perspective of " it happend to me, but it's not about me" it's the best advice i could been given.
Also that analogy about how you should try to get the venom of a snake out insted of looking for it and killing it, because getting the venom out is more important, it really helps.
Wonderful! Glad we can connect.
Wonderful presentation. Full if truth.
BUT.......I I had not been born again in Christ, I would never had the opportunity to be here and grow.
Thanks.
tina, you are welcome. Thanks for watching.
This is actually biblical.
Having empathy helps with forgiveness also.
Living4theKingdom, yes it does.
Thank you so much for your videos, tips and humour! It is all very helpful, best wishes!
Liv Liv, you are welcome.
I don't even know if we can call it forgiveness. It sounds like its just acknowledgement of what's controllable and what isn't and disciplining the self to navigate within what is controllable...that's where the power is...
Thank you...I hope I can hold on to the feeling of this insight beyond this post...😂..
Brae TV, you can come back as often as you need to.
Nice explanation
Thank you!
Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the one being forgiven.
Calli Cordova, it truly is. Wonderful when it can be both, but not always.
This is really helpful and insightful and I also have a question. When the person being forgiven believes all the myths you mentioned, and this is someone intimate in our lives, how do we move forward in a positive direction? The one being forgiven believes that the events that took place were OK, accepted, erased, and a clean slate has been started. Does this mean we should only forgive in private and not directly to the offender?
The natural consequence of forgiving someone that believes all the forgiveness myths is recurrence of the offense in the future as they now feel it was justified and that the other person will simply continue to forgive and move on.
If the behavior occurs again, then was the person really sorry to begin with? Sounds like there is distrust and that needs to be resolved. Some counseling might be helpful here to learn how to communicate.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV An apology isn't necessarily in response to someone being sorry though right? In my situation the person that I am forgiving sees my apology as me accepting their behavior and agreeing not to react badly next time. Basically as me saying "I forgive you for what you did since now that you explained all the reasons your intentions were good I see that I over reacted" therefore by forgiving I've taken the responsibility for the disagreement. Would it be better to try to get them to understand what the myths are and explain what the apology is and what it isn't? And in the case where the forgiveness is not for the other person why would you ever need to tell them about it? Thanks for your response and I really appreciate your videos and perspective.
Thank You so much.
You're most welcome
Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏☘
Jill Hardy, you are very welcome.
Loved this!!
Thanks Edinne - glad you're here! DrPaul
It's Easy. Don't Judge them. Then there's nothing to Forgive!!! The Great Secret!🖤
Kyle Sikkenga, great to have you at the channel.
Dr. Paul, will you please briefly elaborate the reason for why we need to consider ourselves the hero of our story? What purpose does this serve? Thank you.
The hero stands up to the bad guy or situation and struggles but eventually overcomes the struggle. Think about every movie with a hero, they have to have a bad guy to fight or something to overcome.
Great question (and reply from Dr. Paul). If we want to overcome the obstacles in our lives then we become the victor! We're "over-comers" and our life story is one that tells of our success. Even the hero's sometimes get pretty beat-up but in the end they've overcome whatever was the obstacle. EVEN if it was something in themselves. Yay for victory!
"Without Goliath, David is just some punk kid throwing rocks "
Karen's story reminded me of mine.
But - I'll never stop fighting for myself and my family.
Ana Mirkailo, I'm glad, and we are here for you.
David was protecting his sheep.
My son was asked by my parents to take on the responsibility of POA if they needed. There came a day when Dad was gone and Mom was no longer able to make her own decisions. My sister took him to court, falsely accused my son of dastardly evil, got POA for herself, went into Mom's house, took all the family heirlooms and photos, sold everything she didn't want, and sold the house. All without my knowledge and without Mom's permission or knowledge. I was forbidden to visit my mom, and did not see her the last year of her life. Then I was not even told when she died. I found out when I was sent court papers, since I was listed as an "interested party", and at the top of one of the pages was handwritten the words "Ward is deceased". This was two months after Mom was dead. I was devastated. Still am. Family photos of genearations past, photos of myself as a little girl, photos of my kids, things my parents had willed to me and my sons..all gone. And no way to say goodbye to my mom or comfort her as she lay dying. I HATE my sister, and forgiveness has been impossible. I have been trying to forgive. I have read books and watched countless videos, and I had come to the conclusion that I had neither the knowledge of how to nor even the capacity to ever forgive. Then I saw this video. And I think I know how now. My forgiving her will not let her off the hook for the despicable things she did. It will not change the past either, nor right the wrongs that were done. But forgiving her will release me from the bondage of hate, the chains of the past, and will let me live for today and move unfettered into tomorrow. That is my hero story. I am the hero casting off the filth and chains her actions created, the hero who is moving into tomorrow as a whole, peaceful, powerful woman. I get it now, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the gift you gave me. 8:00 pm, July 20, 2021, the time and date of my liberation.
I am so sorry for what was done to you, Melissa. Glad you are writing your story and living the life you love.
What helped me to forgive my parents (dad neglectful, non-present, no physical affection etc.) and mother (verbally and emotionally abusive and consistently critical and negative) was to take a clear-eyed look at their own role models. What i found was this: dad's father (whom I met as a kid but remember well) was a wife-beater and alc. To be honest he looked like a disheveled transient when I met him as a kid and I instantly disliked his personality. Mom's mother was a major drama queen, neurotic, and I now believe she had some undiagnosed mental illness.. Her husband left her and my mom and the narrative I was given was that they were the pitiful victims of his abandonment. I now believe he left because my grandmother was a constant hen-pecker, verbally shaming and abusive.. If it's parents who abused you it can help to take a clear-eyed look at THEIR role models. That and the traumatizing affects of WW2 (both parents were in the armed forces; my dad lost part of a leg and was traumatized as he was a medic)) were enough to allow me to forgive them, which i did spontaneously one early morning in a state of meditation and prayer. (And yes, I did it for myself as the anger and bitterness were eating away at me). The result was I stopped castigating myself for never having confronted them as an adult. I had exactly one real chance to do so when they visited my brother and I in Los Angeles in the '80s but I did not do so as my dad had had open heart surgery and looked terrible so I thought it might kill him to know how abusive mom was. As a result of forgiving them the weight of all that resentment dropped from my shoulders. It has been an awesome experience and I no longer ruminate over the abuse/neglect at all. And yes, I am a hero!
You definitely are a hero. Thank you for sharing this story. There is so much good in here that will help others.
Would love your advice.
I am trying my best to forgive so that my mind will be free of all negative thoughts associated with ‘him’. However, is forgiveness consistent with wanting to get rid of ‘him’ so that I can get rid of the source of the negativity and not have to go through this ‘forgiveness’ path again?
Elaine Teo, hard to answer in a UA-cam comment so as not to be misunderstood, but yes. There are reasons to forgive and part of it may be that you don't give the abuser any more access to your time, thoughts or any of your resources. You will use them now to build positivity.
Yes! Finally some practical advice without all the bible preaching! Thank you.
Amazing advice
Glad you think so! ricaldo hoosen, thank you for being here at the channel.
Thank you very much for answering my question and it’s very helpful. Have a good day
Happy to help! Kiki Algia, thanks.