How To Survive A Dysfunctional Family
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- Опубліковано 25 лип 2024
- Are you in a dysfunctional family? Tired of dealing with them? Here are 10 ways to survive a dysfunctional family:
1. Love
2. Practice positivity
3. Practice gratitude
4. Learn how to handle snipers - interview with Pamela Jett can be found here: liveonpurposeradio.com/how-to-...
5. Don't show up
6. Set appropriate boundaries and limits
7. Learn to take care of yourself
8. Quit
9. Notice that you've made it so far
10. Realize you're not a special case
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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I feel so drain every time I talked to them.
I hope something in the video helps, Ah Na DeeKnow.
some dysfunctional families will do more than hire snipers.
every situation is different your not alone.
many educated idiots will lead you down bad roads don't stay near if it don't feel rite.
the reason it doesn't is because it isnt and will effect everyone around you negatively every time near.
Me too, Never really got on tbh even in childhood and the abuse i suffered still lasts to this day, I had /ve so mucha nger and resent I think i need councelling.
We all have family members that get on each others nerves. Sometimes you have to be nonchalant about how they behave. And love them the same time. Sometimes it's easier said than done. But that's where boundaries and assertiveness comes in
I feel that the same way.
I made it this far however I’m mentally and emotionally drained out. I have days where I wish I wasn’t around to deal with all the drama
But the world needs you, Ali The Gamer. Someone, somewhere, at some point in your life will, I believe that. I understand what it means to be mentally and emotionally drained. Please check out our Positive Personal Development playlist to see if there is anything I can assist you with: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCYtqYUCuzsyYpAlzKZDVVV.html. Thanks for watching.
You are needed. one thing that I am seriously considering doing even though the holidays is approaching is limiting time with family. I know it's not a good time of year for that but my mental sanity is very important to me
Always remember that you are not alone. You don't have to suffer for the sins and ignorance of others.
Lets talk !
Same!
I feel like living alone is better than having my own family in future.
Girish Dhruw, what if there was a different way to interact with your family? Families can be difficult, but the joy I have found in mine is my greatest treasure.
🤗
That way look inyourself: are you just selfish/ self centered or incapable to step up for this tipe of responsibility.
Yes I understand but what if you feel lonely. I understand. You may not want to be with you family. Sometimes redefining family for you is necrssary
Couldn’t agree more. I’ve decided to not have a family of my own until I’m sure I’m not gonna hurt anyone else
You don't stay in a dysfunctional family unless you want to be abused for the rest of your life.
By staying you are saying "I am not worthy of being treated any better and I can't make it on my own".
It probably the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do, its like all of your family dying at once and you are probably in a state of learnt helplessness. But they were never really your family, they are predatory people and they will continue to abuse you.
The reason why you can never get them to see what they are doing is because they know exactly what they are doing. You can't wake up someone who's pretending to be asleep.
LEAVE THEM, WALK AWAY FOREVER!
Thank you for commenting, Ana Jadwa. I appreciate what you are saying, and many times walking away IS the only answer. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable. I do believe, however, that some relationships can be healed if all parties involved are willing to try. Some people get into an abusive or otherwise toxic habit and they don't really want to continue. These are people who have hope of changing.
Ana Jadwa wow thank you for validating my thoughts that they know what they are doing. No amount of explaining to excuse their behavior. Shalom
I believe you are EXACTLY RIGHT!!! They know what they are doing. I am in EXACTLY THAT POSITION!!! They know what they are doing. They know how to exploit me and they are their own little group of which they only pretend that I am a part of. I try to get them to see what they are doing, but I'm not socially gifted and sometimes it takes years for me to see what is really happening. I've been here for 19 years
My one therapist and I made a contract for me to exclude my family for six months. She stated that it’s almost impossible to make changes while living in the midst of the problem. That six month contract got extended to- they’re all dead now. Best advice I ever received.
The powers of elimination is phenomenal.
Oh I feel this. I hosted my extended family for 30 years, 3 major holidays a year. I finally had to stop because the family grew too large and i physically couldn't keep up. I was never invited back by any of them. This past summer my siblings threw a 90th birthday party on for our mother. I was not invited. She verbally acknowledged that she knew this ahead of time and she was fine with it. My heart is still spinning.
"I'm not going to let you hurt me." Those few simple words are so powerful! They renew my peace and strength.
I like to repeat them to myself, like a prayer. Thank you for the video!
lovesings2us, I agree!
I am 23 and moved out at 21. I think the hardest part for me was to deconstruct the image I had of my parents. I started seeing them as two (damaged) people having a child together. Once I did that, I did it for the rest of my family. It's never all white or all black and they're not bad people, they're just people like me... even though sometimes it's hard to deal with the all situation and environment. This holiday season I have to stay at my mom's and I struggle hard mentally, yet I try to stay as positive as I can. I had a good cry just a hour ago and felt very lonely but this video helped me very much.
Angelinamaste, I love to emotionally mature way you are dealing with this. I hope the videos help you on your journey.
I love how he does this important work with a little humour. And clears up the air in the room just like that
Divya Gupta, I find that humor helps most of the things that come my way. But, never laugh at your partner.
I literally started to cry because i want to hug you. I am so alone
Sperky, thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV. It is truly an honor to have you here. We have more videos that you may find interesting and valuable - check out the playlists. We also have a free 25 minute call with one of our Live On Purpose coaches. If you would like to talk to someone and take advantage of this offer, please go here to schedule: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall. Sending you a virtual hug.
🤗
Hope things have changed for you. I'm in the same situation, sending a virtual hug your way. 💚
I’m on the same boat! You’re not alone.
Very well said. And they pass it on that dysfunctional state of mind to non-toxic, loving people they met outside their family circle, in a relationship, their favorite victims. And suck all the goodness out of these victims. The victims, waking up, and realizing what they have been through, after escaping them, has residual effects. Fighting daily battles in their head. Cannot just "Get over it." Feeling less confident, confused, and unhappy.
And that is why I have created this channel, Rhae Vi. To help people in whatever dysfunctional state or level they may be in. There is a way out of it and into positivity! Thanks for watching Live On Purpose TV.
They already ate me as BBQ and have spit me out. But yes, I'm grateful, not for my family but for my hard work to improve my life and finally to be able to going no contact. NOW I'm free, thank God!
The decision to split if hard, but the correct one in many situations. Good for you, Mireille Claire.
Just move 3000 miles away!! It works like a charm folks!!:):) lol
That is an option for some, Pri USA. Glad it worked for you.
Works for me too. It's better!
Pri USA what if they are living in your house?
Pri USA they eating your food, murnin and taking some to work and never doin grocery. You do all the cleaning and they even leave thier dishes in the sink for u to wash. Get home late from work and bang their doors and stay loud. My baby will be due in a few months and i dont know how am goin to live with that
Esther Mantey Girl, you‘ve got to make a change! Believe me, you don’t want to put your baby into that kind of a setting. It can screw the poor child up for the rest of its life. Wishing you the strength it takes 💜
I have no better words than to say thank you so much.
My pleasure - so glad you're here. DrPaul
I grew up in a lot of dysfunction and I eventually hit a point where I realized I was about to be able to move out (this was late high school) and that I was my own person and I could just be responsible for myself (like you talk about). So I started being responsible for myself and taking control of as much as I could until, during my first year of college, I was able to move out. Now, I do a lot of listening to my mother venting about her dysfunctional life and just let it be, I can't help and it's not my job but I can lend an ear and then let it go so that's what I do.
Shelby Suntrup, you are kind to listen to her. Sounds like you are clear on what you have control over and what you don't. Thanks
I want my mother to leave me alone. I am trying my best to be a nice to an evil person. she made my life a pace of shit. she use to abuse us in general when we were children and she kept doing that until we grow up. today I can not make any decision with out letting her know. if I did than i will be in trouble. she calls and calling me with bad words and abusive speech when ever she would get the chance. today I feel that I am not safe with her, and her manipulative ways. i know she does not care about anyone but her self.in top of that, i have my older sister i really used to respect her. but she change a lot she became an evil person just like my mother she started to wear the same mask my mother wear to show us love and caring when their actions tells me something else.
It's often then worst when you have to deal with it in both childhood and adult hood exspecially if there was abuse involved that's just traumatizing
Love love love the snipers advice, actually some aspects of our families dysfunction really leaves me feeling too sensitive, and heavy hearted, BUT this kind of practical advice lifts my mood and brings hope, because that’s something totally in my control, empowering. Thanks for that lil gem.
Teine Dowall, honored to be on your team.
Teine Dowall Agree! It’s hard to put it into practice but essential for stopping the dysfunction. Great interview for more clarification too. Btw, so glad I’ve been fired! 😂
Amazing advise...got a bit emotional at number 1. It's so basic, but as a mother you always try to do the fixing. Thank you!
Thanks Alberta - honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Cant wait for the day I start my own family, I just want to get out of this house
Marianna Garzam, I hope you have other plans than just a family. It doesn't happen for everyone. Create a life of peace and surround yourself with loving people.
Live On Purpose TV thank you for replying!! You really are making an impact, I hope you know that
Thank you for this video. My mother likes to always blame us with her burdens and sacrifices, she likes to control and manipulate our decision making, if we're not going to follow what she wants she's gonna throw a tantrum and hurg us physically while blaming us for every thing. I'm already 28 yrs old and living with them cause i need tk support my siblings financial issues thats why i cant move out yet due to lack of money, and im 28. I was traumatized by her when i was a kid. I know i made wrong decisions sometimes but i dont think i deserve her abusive words.. right now, I just want to stay in my room and clear my mind.. Im scared I might one day hurt her physically cause its just too much.
Anna, I hear your pain and frustration with your mother. Please don't consider harm, but look for positive ways to help the situation. If that is staying in your room, great. I hope you are supporting your siblings emotionally as well as your financial help. To support them emotionally could give them the longest lasting benefit for their lives.
Move out, if is up to that level. Find a roommate, is not move out to some other place or even with a good friend that has the same agenda as you. Find a job and live what you enjoy doing, don’t get comfortable with living with others because it’s never ends. But everyone needs somewhere to start from. That’s my little pics of opinion. Good luck
Finally!!!! Someone giving advice about how to heal and not just walk away. Walking away implies that we are better and we dont need to face our part in the dysfunction or to learn how to handle it as an adult. Also it keeps us grounded in the reality rather than letting us enlarge the scenario of dysfunction in our minds as we then retell the stories to others who were never there. Staying in touch with healthy boundaries is courageous and helps us to see what part we played in the dysfunction and how to avoid repeating the process in future generations.
Kathy Smit, thank you for your comment.
A point by point Summary of the video.
1. Realize that you are not a special case.
2. You've made it this far.
3. Quit the job of trying to please everyone.
4. Learn to take care of yourself.
• Get enough sleep.
• Eat a balanced healthy diet.
• Get plenty of Exercise.
• Regular Prayer and Meditation.
5. Set boundaries and limits. (I'm not going to let you hurt me)
6. Don't show up for the barbeque if you are on the menu. It's selfcare to avoid unhealthy family events.
7. Learn how to handle snipers. Verbal snipes.
• Identify. State what happened. When X happened I felt Y.
• Verify. Is that what you intended? Understanding the Intention.
• Accept. Simply say "Okay"
8. Practice Gratitude. When you compare your dysfunctional family with a more dysfunctional family you feel gratitude.
9. Practice Positivity. Even a dysfunctional family is a family. You have a family whereas many dont.
BB8 Strategy. Better by Eight. How sure are you that you will be around for 8 o'clock. You're family will still be there at 8pm. What can I do to make sure that things in my family are a little better by 8.
10. Love. Choose love. Your job in the family is not to fix them. Your job is to love them.
Thank you.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Your video really helped me out. I'm sure it has helped thousands of people. I summarized the video so that all of us can come back and revisit the ideas that helped us heal. Thank you very much
This is good perspective and very factual. Trying to help others that don't want help is toxic to you.
Lo'Torean Durrant, honored to be on your team.
Thank you, Dr.Paul, for bringing up this very interesting topic. I've watched a lot of videos discussing this, but yours differs with this vibrating positivity, as always. It's crazy, as I end up watching it, feeling good about myself and things, wanting to test it and to share this positive energy with others, transmit it to the chain reaction. Is that what you are up to, Dr.Paul ?
Btw, thank you for firing me! Have a nice day!
Reading this one with a big smile - YES, busted - you're on to me. Seriously, I'm so pleased that you find the content good enough to share. That is a true reflection of having created something of value. Thanks for your engagement here! DrPaul
Thanks a lot doc... Your expression and body language is too good and of course the wisdom.
Thank you amy sunshine. I am passionate about my work.
I Concur.Great advice very useful bro. Awesome Video.much LOVE and I Pray the Best for You Brother Have an Excellent Day.
Thank you, Agustin Magallon. Great to have you at the channel.
I'm trying not to cry because I really feel it. But thank u, hearing all of it make me feel a little better🙏
by sara, I am glad you feel better. Hang in there.
My love for them is what courses most of my pain, I just don't understand how the once that are supposed to be your support system or atleast just love you can just treat you so horribly, And do the most damage.
Yolanda Keynel, It is sad when families lost out on the opportunity to be close and support one another, I agree.
My gratitude is, I outlived my family. I get to live in peace. It’s easier to shut out their voices knowing that it comes from the grave.
A little dark, but o.k.
This has helped me a lot. There are somethings that I already knew, but others have blown me away. Thank you.
You're very welcome! Beatriz Mari, glad to have you at the channel.
Amaaazing tips! Loved it, so helpful! Thank you!!🙏🏽
You are welcome.
Thanks for these wise words, much love for you !
Thank you, Michelle Rodriguez, honored to be on your team.
You just earned a new subscriber, this video was by far the best I watched on the topic: the tips are simple, yet profound, your energy is really positive and you give us the necessary affirmations to actually feel like it CAN be done. I will start applying your tips (like the BB8) during this period where i'm trying to heal from my dysfunctional family and childhood traumas. Blessed be and good luck to everyone trying to cope as well 🙏🏽
Living Simplyy, thank you very much, I am honored to be a part of your team.
Well this was like a helpful brochure. A quick manual to life for a child from a broken family. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, Transporteris. I'm glad the video helped - honored to be on your team.
Love all your videos. Thank you for your channel your my go to for everything and my little girl is just amazing thank you 🙏🤗 keep safe
You are welcome, Tori Larvin. Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV!
Thank you Paul really helpful advice
Very welcome
I watch this video once every 6 months. And oh well, they really never gets better. At the very least I'm always taking steps towards my own goal.
Awesome, we can't control others, only our behavior. Glad you are working on yourself. It will pay dividends.
I love your video. It is exactly how my family treated me.
Sorry to hear that, Ah Na DeeKnow. I hope you are able to use something to help the situation.
I think point number 10 resonated with me the most. It genuinely takes the pressure off. I released the energy of love towards them in my mind ( it felt like liberation). Thank you
Trauma Metaphysical, glad to hear it.
Wow that was really good!!!♥
S R, honored to be on your team. Good luck!
Thank you😭😭😭😭sometimes i just want to just........run away and never ever show up😭😭😭😭but yah thankuh for helping🤗🤗🤗🤗may uh live 10000000 years more....love ya🤗🤗🤗🤗
Thank you, Dishita, honored to be on your team.
Thank you! You made no blank commemts, it was helpful💗
Our pleasure.
We dont have no family events
She threw away things that were very important to me
I hate her my mother
caramelbilquees, I can hear your unhappiness. There are other people you can turn to if your mother is not able to listen to you. Please reach out to another adult in your life.
Look for things that make YOU happy. Don't answer the phone if they call and just say no. I did and I am less stressed and I'm much happier.
Sounds so... functional. Thanx Doc.
Honored to be on your team, Jim Arger.
A great video, I realised every point you had is so true and beneficial. Certain people in my wifes family do the whole opposite to your video on every single point. I laugh at fools and watch them struggle, mean while in my own self I am having a wonderful and exciting life...: )
Thank you for being on the channel, Cliff Carr.
every word - golden!
Thanks!
There's just four steps in dealing with them1) demand them to change/treat you Right ...2.) cut them out of your Life / decide you are done with them when they don't...and they won't. 3.) Move away to somewhere where they obviously have no idea where you are and eliminate any means by which they could ever contact you 4.) Find people that actually Love you /treat you Right....find people that are like a surrogate family.
David Michaud, sometimes it is necessary to remove ourselves from situations.
I just found this. I agree with all you say. You have said I have survived so far. I have reached the age of 66 and succeeded in getting a PhD in Biopsychology. Even though I have asked for help beginning as a teenager no one pointed out what you do. My parents believed I was the sick one my whole life. I didn’t know any better. The psychiatrist misdiagnosed me as a schizophrenic as a teenager and put me on a myriad of drugs with many side effects. None had any effect. However, at 66 yo I have lost everything. My family, just my sister is alive, my friends, my job, my home, I no longer can sleep due to Benzodiazepine and antidepressant withdrawal, Being psychiatrically hospitalized 8 times where I was given more medications with side effects and abused by staff and other patients. I have no family now. What you are saying sounds great but it feels like it is in a different language for me. I hope you help the children and young adults of the future who watch Your Utubes which make a lot of sense. Thank you 🙏.
I wish these things never happened, but they do. You are proof that you can take control of your life. There are more positive times ahead, zsdman.
zsdman the ones that are labelled "the sick one" in the family, are often the most whole or decent. When I was betrayed & ostracised by family, I only had the family of humanity left. Plz stay well & take good care, really appreciated your sharing. (Air hug)
@@mgkos thank you for highlighting the point about the family of humanity. That is now my family too. Years ago I saw a comment on one of these videos and it said that the universe will supply.
I loved that as l really like your comment and message above.
Thanks my friend in cyberspace from Mary xx
Thank you very much and God bless ❤
Thank you, Mary Jane.
I think this video was the best one I have seen from this channel! I have often felt the burden to try to fix my family's problems, but now I can see that some of them don't want my help and it was too exhausting and draining to carry all of their issues. So now I have gotten to the point where I will try to keep peace if possible and also be more careful to guard my heart. I lay out my boundaries and if they disrespect them, I will try to do what I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen again by addressing it or removing myself from those particular situations or even release the relationship if it comes down to it because sometimes the most loving thing we can do is walk away. If we don't put in the effort to take care of ourselves, how can we effectively love and take care of others?
Thank you so much for this Informations, i've learnd a lot from you, so i could make my live a live i love, now i know my family (my parents) is disfunktional. Until this point in my live it didnt matter this much. Im 33 so i've survived. But now i'm a mother and i hate it to see my lovely child (3jears) on his Grandparents table for meal...when he is tired, they cal him lazy. This discourages him. When grandpa plays with him its often about who is stronger. I'm with my son all the time when we meet them and only my presence makes sure his no counts when his grandpa holds him. And its not the first no. I do my very best to give both of us the childhood that he and me can love. I thank you for your support, so i can create a healthy family and heal the wounds of my own childhood. I love your inspiration and if you have some ad ons that could help me, i would love to hear them.
Thank you for being there for your child and loving him always, Cheriou Shinigami.
it is very helpful and inspiring 🙂
I'm so glad!
I’ve made it so far. Yeah the psychological torment that comes with tribal gaslighting that’s even contributed to by a bad therapist that gives you panic attacks to the point that you feel like you are in the movie “Happy Death 💀 Day” But you’ve made it this far! 👏
You can do this, Anna. We are here for you.
The number 1 tip was powerful for me - just love them, you don't have to fix them!
Huge relief right sharla-b? Thanks for watching! DrPaul
That depends on how malignant they are. In my family the people targeted for being the scapegoat all committed suicide or went insane and it's not genetics because some of those people were the children of people who they married.
Your advice is warped. Love does not work on narcissistic or sociopathic people, which is what dysfunctional families are usually made of.
I agree, don't try to change them, its futile, but if they are trying to kill you, drive you insane through psychological abuse (physical abuse can also be part of it) sabotage you, slander you etc then sticking around and just loving them is a very bad idea. It's what they want you to do, seal your doom.
Toxic people see compassion, love, forgiveness etc as weaknesses they can exploit and use against you to destroy you.
The traits that empaths see as their strengths and weaknesses when confronted with narcissistic, cluster B type personalities.
Light, love we're all one consciousness!
Well Ghandi, Mother Teresa and Hitler were all one consciousness, maybe we should have just sent Hitler some love.
Growing up, I felt invalidated alot and unheard in my own home... My mom dismissed my feelings and told me "I was just being too sensitive" or "it's all in my head" and she treated my sister better than she treated me growing up and even as an adult, I often ask myself "am I really being too sensitive or did my mom really favor my sister?" And I remember when my dad favored me over my sister, my mom was mad and angry for my sister and people seem to understand why my sister was feeling resentful but people overlooked my resentment , my mom also thought me and my brother had autism for a while and my sister is the middle child but everyone looked up to her as an older sibling than me and my mom would always say stuff like "your sister has every right to feel resentful because she has daddy issues and she also has to deal with autism" and I remember when we were kids, my sister used to be an instigator but my mom would tell me to get over myself, I'm being too sensitive because it's my "autism" making me act like that and I also remember my cousin also used to bully me too and nobody did anything about it and my grandma on my mom's side underestimated my intelligence alot and told me I was never going to get a job because of my autism, I was never diagnosed with autism but they labeled me as autistic... And everytime I was depressed because my dad is being toxic to me, people told me alot, my sister had it worse because she has "daddy issues" but my dad treated me like a princess so I can't complain... It's so much explaining, I don't know where to begin... And I'm feeling confused and it bothers me.. Am I wrong for being angry at my mom!? Or do you think I'm being too sensitive??? I don't even know anymore most of the time... because looking back on my childhood, my mom has done some hurtful things to me but it hurts me even more that nobody notices what I notice... And I'm in tears right now
Alessandra, I am sorry for what you have gone through. It might be time to forgive and let go of the past and decide how you want the future to go. It is sad that your parents labeled you autistic, not that that in and of itself is bad, but they used the word in a negative way and it isn't a negative condition. Autism doesn't have to define us. You can choose to be angry if it serves you. If it doesn't, pick something else that serves you well. Remember, it isn't about the anymore, it is about you.
Just know you are not alone we must heal from this!!
This is very Good.
Kings Analytics, thank you.
I needed this today. I am having issues because I have stopped accepting bad behavior. I have a brother with untreated emotional issues and he refuses to get help. He gaslights everyone and we go on what I refer to as a carousel of crazy round and round. He thinks he needs to control everyone in the family parents included, and up to now we have done just what you said given in because we are trying to please him and others and accepting the behavior (largely because it is a family compound type situation). I stopped and distanced myself. He took this as a challenge and drove a wedge in between me and my parents since he lives out there on the compound and I do not. I realized I can't control what is happening on their carousel. I can just control whether or not I want to ride. I will say when you do this the others in the family are going to see it as defiant and you do get some backlash at first but knowing I am not putting a coin in the carousel slot to keep it going really makes me feel like I get some of my power as an individual back. I will take away so much from your video so thank you.
It sounds like you are regaining control in your life, which is always a good thing. Glad the video helped, Meghan Cantrell. Thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV.
This video really helped me and made me smile
I am so glad to hear that, II Young II. Thank you for telling me. It's an honor to be on your team.
Don’t show up is an excellent point! If my boundaries are violated, now showing up physically is another way to reinforce those boundaries and to not waiver.
karakol86, yes it is. Thanks for commenting.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV any advice on dealing with people who don't listen or respect your boundaries would be helpful! I have a few people in my life who don't listen to anything I say (they block it out like the words don't exist) if it doesn't fit with what they want me to do.
Once again, a man on the podium and NOT in the group therapies 😭. Nr. 1. 🥇
Thank you for watching.
Good list.
Glad you enjoyed it, good luck.
Nice one tnks.
You are welcome
How I did it: I realized I am old enough to "call the shots" in my own life. Alone with peace of mind is the best! They can keep their drama - far away from me!
That works. Glad you are in a more peaceful place.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you!
Enough is enough. I will choose to fired them.
You have that choice, glad you see it as an option, Ah Na DeeKnow. Some people don't.
🤗
Pretty close to doing it myself.
Considering this too
Our family would benefit immensely from a couple hours of your counseling. We need help!! Its become so horrible. Thank you, maybe some hope.
Benjamin Dion, I am here for you! We have lots of videos that you may find useful. For parents, we have the Positive Parenting playlist - ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html. For kids and teens we have this playlist - ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCicx6xcJ5ZJzVe9UBlRTQV.html. For relationships in general, we have the Positive Relationships Resources playlist - ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html. We also have a Parenting Power-Up program that is available for purchase here: www.parentingpowerup.com/optin-33156182. If you want to increase your positivity in general, I am giving away my book for free (you just pay for the shipping); here's the link for that: drpauljenkins.info/freebook. Oh, I also have my free mini-book in e-format ("Portable Positivity"): drpauljenkins.info/optin-26401478 (Portable Positivity). And lastly, we have a free 25 minute call with one of our Live On Purpose coaches. If you would like to schedule a call, here's the link to that: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall
I know that's a lot; hope it's not overwhelming. I just want you to be aware that we have lots of resources for you. I am honored to be on your team! Thanks for watching.
Words of wisdom.
Thank you!
Dr Paul, will some of the content was helpful, I felt like it glosses over the seriousness of the textbook definition of what a dysfunctional family is. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was physically and emotionally abusive. My mother (to this day) enables his behavior. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that in some ways I find this video invalidating and minimizes the suffering of those who lived through such things. Thankfully I have a very supportive therapist. It finally dawned on me that I was the family scapegoat. I stayed in that sick pattern far longer than I ever should have. I came to the painful realization that my parents lacked the capacity to truly love and care about me. I am working very hard at unlearned unhealthy coping and communication patterns. I'm becoming the emotionally mature adult that I want and need to be. As an adult I know that I no longer need my family, but especially my parents validation. Sadly, due to the ongoing abuse from my parents I have had to go " no contact " with them for the sake of my sanity and to begin the healing process. I doesn't come without an incredible emotional cost. Societyin general doesn't approve of this and think "family is everything". Etc. For me that simply isn't true. If my parents ever change, then I will reevaluate. However at this point, I don't owe them anything. I owe myself much love and healing. I apologize for the lengthy comment. Thank you for the other videos. They are very "illuminating."
R
You bring up a good point, there are varying levels of dysfunction. In the more intense families, a UA-cam video will only scratch the surface. You are wise to do the hard work that takes a long time to get there.
I too am the family scapegoat aka “emotional punching bag”. I am the only one that has been willing to get therapy for the dysfunction and trauma we all endured. Our family is not “bad” just in a lot of pain. My father was narcissistic and I was his target. He taught the rest how to treat me. (Our mother lost custody when I was 12 and he didn’t want us and I was blamed)
He just passed recently and I’m trying to recover from a lifetime of gaslighting, minimization and abuse. As the oldest it was my job to show up and take care of everyone and our relationship is not reciprocal. I’m trying to find a way to be around them that is not painful and get the tools I need to stand up for myself essentially teaching them that the way they have been treating me is not acceptable. I pray as I work on my part (freezing in disbelief and not saying anything) that we can come to a healthier way of relating. Unfortunately I also have to acknowledge that when others refuse to get therapy and self medicate with alcohol that what I want with them may not be possible. I wish you all the best on your continued recovery!
Yes, the whole get over it you're not special part blew me away as I already knew I wasn't special or important to my narcissistic, physically abusive, man-chasing, meth-addicted mother who just gets worse with age. Good thing I'm not thin-skinned! LOL! But I will finish the video. There's bound to be something in here for me. With earbuds of course because of the outbursts.
Thank you
You are welcome, Maximus Barnes. Have a positive day.
Thank u much appreciated
You're very welcome!
Very Nice 👍
Thank you 👍
Good afternoon Thanks u Very much u are talking to me because i am the tipe of people
Antonia Pologna, you are very welcome.
wow thank you alot
You're welcome!
Another great video. BB8 will be my new strategy. Thank you and keep'm coming.
More to come!
Thank u so much
Thank you for watching, Shahana.
Thank u ,thank u🙏🙏
You are welcome, Hindu awaken. Thank you for being at Live On Purpose TV.
Tysm 🙏👍
You are welcome.
Thank you LOP TV. Some of those points are some kind of floaters in a sea of anxiety and despair.
However, would appreciate some advice on *how to handle ostracism or intentional exclusion by your family* ... knowing in advance would be impossible they recognize or acknowledge they are doing it. And consider that... already tried expressing my inner feeling in the past.... and only put everyone on defense mode and ultimately blaming me, of course.
only 180, I will consider this for a video. I am sorry it is happening to you. It might be best to try to get close to one member and find out what is really going on.
Really interesting when you talk about gratitude. In Islam we are taught to look at those who have less that us when it comes to worldly things and look at those who are better than us when it comes to worship. This creates contentment with the material aspects of life and striving for the hereafter.
Wow! That is a great way to look at things. Help those who have less and strive to emulate those who are spiritually minded. Thank you, Umm Osayd, you have given me something to ponder.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I'm happu you found it interesting!
The Quran says "verily in the remeberence of God do hearts find rest". And “Rivalry in worldly increase distracts you..."
after chasing material possessions and never being content I truly believe this is true for all humans no matter where we are in life.
Im really enjoying your advice, as are all the friends and family I'm sharing them with.
Do u have advice on bullying? When I was a child my mum used to tell me "they're just jealous" and "If u ignore them they'll stop". I feel like I'm saying the same things to my kids even tho I know it didn't work for me at all as a kid and I felt very hopeless in that situation.
Yes, Umm Osayd. I have done a video on how to deal with bullies. Check out the full list of videos on the playlist. Here is one that might help: ua-cam.com/video/YcDhkqBcgp0/v-deo.html.
Needed those tips thank you , i need an ADVICE could you please help me? ( my brothers are abusive to my mother , i am looking for ways to STOP them)
Please see my response to your other comment. Thanks.
"Don't show up for the BBQ, if you are on the menu!" boy this one is a good one!
It is so true!
I bet if I described my family you would definitely say I’m “special”. In fact I’d probably win a prize.
Perhaps, AngelWings. I have heard lots of stories over the years and dealt with some pretty unique situations. Best of luck to you.
G stuff 💕
Thanks, tanya.
number three really got me
kingsleyglam22, thanks for watching.
Nah bro you have no idea. I am indeed a special case and I thank God every day that he gave me the burden and all the sorrow, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Marta Sampayo, thank you for watching.
I recommended my mom move in with me to get out of her own house where my brother was running all over her till she was exhausted( hisndrug use and terrible hurtful words to her). She moved in and it was fine for a while but he knew no coming over here high?was allowed. He came over high and my mom totally let it go and when i said something about it she told my sister shes not comfortable living with me and is moving out. I feel bad but I'm not an enabler and wont allow it to happen in my house and get me upset.
I understand what you are saying. It is unfortunate that your mom didn't have the conversation with you that she had with your sister.
Not every Family is going to be perfect. And how do I know this? Because I went through it myself. And let me tell how my family became dysfunctional.
1. My parents had a good and healthy marriage but at some point their marriage came to a dead end because my dad took my mom for granted financially and she had to put up with his nonsense. Plus he cheated on her with other women. And soon enough, they ended up getting divorced.
2. My older brother and I had our bitter differences. Sometimes he would put me down and make me feel emotionally upset 😭. And said a few things that me feel worthless. And said that I would never achieve anything. Well I proved him wrong.
3. This past Saturday, he said some horrible and unkind things towards his son that made him cry 😢 a lot. He was being verbally abusive. As soon my brother said that to his son. I was very shocked 😳, speechless 😶 and outraged. I was going to say something to him,
“Jason,
Just because you have anger issues doesn’t mean you can take your anger and frustration out on your son. What you just did was not only disturbing but also upsetting and disruptive. I maybe your younger brother but I have to say it. Now you apologize to your son right this instant!!” I almost wanted to say it. But immediately I just sat down and remained silent. If I really said that to him, he would’ve angrily said,
“Shut up and mind your own business!!” It almost became a physical fight. So I decided to add him to my Holy Rosary prayer list and ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to intercede and knock some sense into him.
No family is perfect. We just have to accept that and deal with what are given to the best of our abilities.
So helpful. Thank you!
Thanks Nowicki K - honored to be on your team! DrPaul
I stopped pleasing ,doing stuffs but things got more worse. That person made it more difficult for me . The worst part is that i became a bitter person. I have become rude to that person and i dont like myself being rude to anyone . But i cant stop my angst against that person . You mentioned in one of your video of debriefing and that makes me feel even more getting into that spiral of negativity . I feel like in a web ,cant stay nor escape
What a struggle for ou, reena singh. Have you every heard the old saying, Kill 'em with kindness? Try it out, don't let them see you upset, just be more and more kind, they might not be able to stand it. I hope you have periods away from this person.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV i do get time to stay away from that person . Besides i dont interact that much . But the problem is that that person has to be respected by me ( as per our culture) . Thats where things get difficult . That person wants to control me to the degree that i feel bonded . If i rebel and live the way i want to ,things get worse . I am doing things which make me feel good but their is a constant pressure and lack of peace within . I often think that i am not doing right thing . I am not liking my own behaviour ( anger ,frustration ,bitter ,rude ) . Right now i am just watching videos one after another to find some solution where i can live peacefuly with that person and not let my life suffer at the same time .( No i cant leave not possible in our culture )
Big thank u to you sir for responding so quickly , I am so greatful
I understand, reena singh, cultural constrUctions can be challenging. Consider using a coach to help you find the peace you desire.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank u so very much sir . I m so happy u responded. Ever since i have watched your video i am kind of stuck on tip no . 1 ,love them . You dont have to fix them . I am dwelling in the same thought because somewhere i want to do something like that . I just want let them be who they are and see them with different eye . But its not easy ,i get involved in them emotionally ( sometimes its anger other times it makes me cry ) . I react rather respond . Could u do a video on loving such people who are needy ,demanding and controlling . I am planning to seek a coach for myself as you suggested . Thank u from bottom of my heart
Im 17 right now,, Im planning to move out once I turn 18. Cant wait.
DailyKEK, I am glad you have a plan you are working toward.
What do you do with a very uncooperative family that wants to kill each other in the same household during this quarantine?
Catherine Malloy, I would say to get out of each other's way as much as possible. Get out of the house, especially while it is nice and you get a trusted small group of friends that you can retreat to.
My daughter is a sniper. You have helped me with a response to her. But, She will only turn it around to make her comment look as if it were warranted.
Mary, I hope it gets through to her, may take more than one time.
how am i supposed to eat healthy in a dysfunctional family? (ಥ﹏ಥ)
I am not sure what the problem is, The_One_Eyed_Rouge 1700. Thank you for watching though.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV My family is on a budget because its either bills, alcohol, or drugs . All im eating is toast with strawberry jelly. I have to depend on my school for healthy eating .
I see, that is difficult. Your situation makes me sad.
Bb8 sounds like a trap for people pleasing
Satya Pandey, try it and let me know how it works out.
I was watching videos of other people that have also lost their teen son to suicide I was crying and then I found this video I guess God is good and has a good sense of humor he knows I needed to laugh a little , also family is beautiful when at the end of the day no matter how imperfect we are we are there for each other even tho I feel guilty for not saving my son and causing so much pain to my family because of his death today I am so grateful to have them and I wish I could of just cherish Ed my time with my son more he was awesome and I miss him so much it's been like 3 months and it's the worst pain ever
I am so sorry, Valerie. I am glad you got a little relief from the pain. It is devastating.
I feel so extremely guilty and responsible when family gatherings turn into screaming matches. When I yelled I was responsible and when I'm silent it's my fault. Am I really worthless?
Walter Meredith, I can say with absolute certainty that you are NOT worthless. I have a few recommendations; you can take all of them, none of them, or some of them.
First, continue to find relevant videos on this channel. A good place to start would be the Positive Personal Development playlist: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCYtqYUCuzsyYpAlzKZDVVV.html
Second, I am offering my book "Pathological Positivity" for free if you just pay for the shipping. To find out more, here's the link: drpauljenkins.info/freebook
Third, we also have a free 25 minute breakthrough call with one of my Live On Purpose coaches. You can schedule that here: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall
I hope at least one of these will bring value to your life.
I liked number 9 😌actually it made me smile a bit❤
I'm glad you got something good out of the video, The capricorn. Thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV my pleasure i swear❤keep on inspiring us😋
Thank you my family treat so bad I never except there will do this to me my husband and son to deal with all alone there trying to get over my property I am prayer I trust any one around me .how will heal from his toxic satation .
Sally Persaud, name the problem and then decide what YOU will do from now on. Don't take them into account, decide what you want and move forward.
Yes, I too come from a dysfunctional family. My family comprises of my father and mother, and the problem is with my father. Actually, their marriage is an unhappy one in the true sense of the term. Both of them are poles apart from each other. There is no common ground between them. And, if there is any issue, they fight like cats and dogs. My father even goes to the extent of physically assaulting my mother. And, I have been brought up in such a tensed atmosphere. My childhood, my adolescence, were engulfed in these family fights. When my father is away, we leave in peace. We have asked him several times to leave the house, but he won't listen. He would be there in this house and carry on with his fights. We have asked him to mend his ways, but he has remained what he was originally. I'm tired of living in such a family. How long will I be able to endure I don't know. A couple of times I thought to commit suicide, but then I feel sorry for my mother. She too has been a victim of an unhappy marriage, of domestic violence and she is very possessive about me. I know if I take any drastic step, she will have nothing more to live for. But I'm tired of family feuds. I'm tired of fighting my own people.
Pratyasha Sen, if you feel like you are suicidal, get to the emergency room. I don't know where you live or what your circumstances are, but your mother needs to figure out what she wants to do. As long as she is allowing this to continue, it won't get any better. Empower her to take the steps necessary to effect a change.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks for the reply. Now I no more feel suicidal. I have empowered myself. I have tried to empower my mother as much as possible, but she couldn't do much. Now at this stage, she is reluctant to file for a divorce. But she has at least realized her mistake and continues to empower me instead.
Thank you very much ! I have always aware that I should set boundries with my family member. But it brings me guilty feeling. And guilty feeling makes me depressed. ( I am from a more collectivelism family).
lolli lolli, there has to be some reason you think you should set boundaries. Which feeling is stronger?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you very much ❤️❤️❤️
My mom and dad fight every day at every little thing from past 4-5 years
I don't know what to I just want to get admission in a good college in a city so I can get out of this place
But I think they will be fighting like always and it will worry me
Sapna Thakur, I am sorry to hear that. Sometimes couples get into a rut and they don't know how to get out. If you ever feel like they would accept help from you, please point them in the direction of this channel. We have lots of videos on our Positive Relationship Resources playlist: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html Perhaps they can start with this one: "How To Improve Communication In Marriage" - ua-cam.com/video/b6MycuRtTxo/v-deo.html
Thank you for being at Live On Purpose TV.
Right now I am in one
MeMiss, sorry to hear that, hopefully the video helped.
Right now I currently only speak to mom and sometimes my brother although they've certainly had there history of difuctions and they can sometimes be to much
Grand Master Mario, sounds like you have set your boundaries. I hope it is working for you.
Dr. Paul
Thank you for addressing my comment and feeling I have taken control of my life and it will improve. I’m sorry that I respectively disagree with you. It is interesting that you have over 1,000 views but only 26 positive comments. I seem to be the only negative comment. I wonder why others who viewed this work did not comment and question your optimistic approach based on being extremely traumatized based on their abusive experiences in our US mental health system throughout their life? As I said I believe your positive psychology approach can help some but not those who have had extensive additional traumatizing medicalization and hospitalizations. I don’t believe I am special or unique in this respect. Have we made a dent in our increasing suicide rate? Or the rampant use of psychiatric medications? Please realize your approach can’t help everyone despite your positive dedication. Take care. I will continue searching for some form of help.
Zel Dolinsky, we can disagree, that's o.k. Thank you for watching. I hope you find some relief.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV wow, don't be swayed by Zel's comment. I think in general you are proving helpful info. Did you cure me? No, but you gave me something to think about and provided a stepping stone to build on. Thank you.
P.S. I don't normally " like " the videos I watch but I pressed the like button this time.