The Real Risk of Forgiveness-And Why It’s Worth It | Sarah Montana | TEDxLincolnSquare
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- Forgiveness is tricky. Everyone says you should forgive, but no one will tell you how, exactly, to do it. And is it always possible-even for something as traumatic as gun violence? In this vulnerable and heartfelt talk, writer Sarah Montana takes us through her journey of forgiving her family’s killer. She offers an inside look at what we risk when we choose to forgive, and a hopeful glimpse of the freedom that lies on the other side of grief. Sarah Montana is a NYC based writer, editor, and branded content producer. She has ghost written book proposals for celebrity experts, some of which have been sold to publishers for six figures. She creates and shapes content for authors and business owners, including ebooks, reality TV pitches, articles, memoirs, and marketing copy. She is also a playwright and creates her own original content. Her most recent play, The Girl, The Ghosts, and the Minotaur was selected for a staged reading at Life Jacket Theater Company’s 2017 Proof of Concept Reading Series in New York City. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“Choosing myself was more important than being right”. That hit me.
It's always more important to be happy than to be right. 💖
Yes the best statement in this speech ❤️
Time stamp?
@@theresamcgallicher exactly I don’t care if I am right or wrong I just want to be happy
“Forgiveness is a designed to set you free. When you say I forgive you, what you’re really saying is, I know what you did it’s not okay but I recognize that you are more than that. I don’t want to hold us captive to this thing anymore. I can heal myself and I don’t need anything from you.”
Damn
Lyss Phan
"I don't need anything from you"
That is the secret!
omg
she looks straight to the camera when she's saying it...
Beautiful
What if they aren’t more than that? What if they are just not a good person?
This idea of "too soon to forgive" takes all the pressure off that I never knew I had
No kidding. Now it is about finding balance in everyday life while understanding forgiveness can be pretty far off.
Indeed! It takes years to heal and forgive. One can’t just say I forgive. The healing process is difficult. Have to reflect on the facts, what happened? what was done? How was it done ? Is there my fault ? Why did I trust this person? Self blame, self hate and anger and all of that. Then blame the other party who did the damage. But in the end, peace comes from forgiving the other side and forgiving yourself for trusting that person. In the end, forgiving and moving on is the key to peace.
Same
@@punbishal5874 well spoken. good questions too. so …. if I still feel dead inside, pretty much hidden behind a thin veneer, it means more processing. uggh
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
That's beautiful..
Can you send me that quote?
Thank you 😊.!!
Love this statement!
@@barrypeterson6725 Thank you :)
My boyfriend was murdered by his dad, and he hasn't had his trial yet. I'm not ready to forgive, but this video gave me hope that some day I might be.
My heart goes out to you, may your boyfriend rest in peace
@@rubenthompson5900 My path to forgiveness and repentance is none of your business. You need to take a long hard look at yourself before you judge anyone or try to speak for God. Your approach is aggressive and devoid of the compassion Christ taught. Consider this a warning.
@@rubenthompson5900 Yes, I'm aware of that. And my grieving process is God's business, not yours. I've made a to of progress towards forgiveness but it's not something that happens over night. You can't just say it and magically it happens. I want to have true forgiveness and with the help of my faith I am being guided there. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Have a heart. And face your own sin before bossing strangers around.
Oprah Winfrey says forgiveness is "giving up the hope that the past could have been different". I hope you feel better because you deserve to be happy no matter what has happened.
@@theresamcgallicher Thats the definition I use, too🌻
"Forgiveness is only right when waiting for what we're owed comes at too high a cost"
Very true, thank you for that quote 🙏🌼
Felt that
it's only right then? how so? it's right to do immediately if you can.
@@TheBillaro yeah, holding onto resentment only eats away at us, no matter what the act was, and who committed it.
One of the most perfect Ted talks I've ever seen. I love how you poured your heart into it while combining humor and intelligence. And still being deep and keeping us focused on your story. I'm sharing. Bravo madam.
Yes ❤. Thank you for saying what I was thinking ❤❤❤
You dame right my friend u nailed it bravo :)
Absolutely right!!
00000000000000000
I couldn’t agree more.
Wow! This talk is amazing. It took me 60 years to forgive my father. That's a long time to have a hook in you.
This is the best talk on forgiveness I have ever heard. I was struggling to forgive some people in my life terribly. Thank you so much for the talk.
Couldn't agree more. If she can do it, literally anyone can.
me too
Truly. I didn't know I needed this.
"When we choose vengeance, we're actually signing a blood oath to chain our story to our enemy" .......that's deep.
Correct, we must reach a place where we have peace inside ourselves.
Then we can move on
@@decoy2636 that's very true
@@Achiaa. that peace we seek is inside us already, and like you said seeking vengeance or holding a grudge is like a boat with the anchor out trying to move on
@@decoy2636 I find so much comfort in what you just said, I've been hurt so bad by some people in my life that I see like everyday, and my heart hurts everytime I see or think of them. I say and I believe that I have forgiven, yet I keep having this painful experience everytime and I just dont know what to do. It seems like I haven't gotten over the hurt, even though I want to really bad and it's just haunting
@@Achiaa. I'm too hurt inside starting with childhood and then a 4 decade long relationship with a covert narcissist. I don't make a good victim and revenge I can not have and keep my soul too.
If you are religous prayer has saved me from a life of hate carrying grudges around
It would be like carrying 10 bags on a plane for a 3 day vacation. The bad thing is we waking up thinking those thoughts every day. 3 days of that mindset I have survived.
The rest of this life I refuse to be miserable because someone else did a wrong. I refuse to punish my self for what I haven't done.
You simply can't
repent for a sin you didn't commit yourself.
I chose her I must accept half of any blame.
I did not choose my childhood and refuse to forget I refuse to hate.
Extremely moving, and poetically delivered, filled with inspiring metaphor, wisdom, and a refreshing new way to understand the grieving process. Thank you!
I love how transparent she was in her truth and her feelings. She didn't ignore what she was feeling and went on a journey to fix what she needed to be addressed. In the process, she learned so much and given much to think about.
I agree
I couldn't agree more!
I've tried to encapsulate this amazing talk for those of us who need the visual.
The world gives us three reasons we need to forgive:
1. Forgiveness will make me a good person.
2. There is a lot of pressure to forgive, so they can feel more comfortable and move on.
3. You think forgiveness is a short-cut to healing.
None of these are true so why forgive? It brings us freedom from the chains that bind us to the trauma and the other person. Vengeance is another form of prison; it entwines us with the other person.
In order to forgive we have to get very specific because we can not forgive something that did not happen to us.
Looking at our wounds is scary but "do it" as this lets us scar over and heal once we look at the injustice. We need to get clear about what exactly was unjust so that when we choose to forgive we know exactly what contract we are tearing up.
"Forgiveness is only right when waiting for what we are owed comes at too high a cost."
Life is simpler when we have a villain to fight.
Real forgiveness let's go of all expectations, let's go of a villain, you can't expect a certain outcome. It is too soon to forgive if you are still in the throws of grief, pain and trauma. Forgiveness is worth it!
Thanks for summarizing it! It's perfect.
Sarah, I cannot thank you enough. The contrast of my pain against yours and the undeniable expression of thorough comprehension through the embodiment of truth has brought a clarity I have yet to truly know. You didn't just save yourself; you saved a piece of humanity with this video. From the center of my existence, Thank You.
Powerful words my friend! I hope you have managed to forgive yourself.
Thanks Sarah. I can't forgive my dad for the past and though I am still not able to, I now know why, and in time, maybe I can. I cried watching this.
I cant tell you how much your share helped me.
Hi Jonathan
Had a similar situation as yours, and I know how hard it can be but I kinda got over it now thankfully.
I would really recommend reading those two books, they helped me trumandsly
"Strong at the broken places" by Linda Sanford and "The power of forgivness" by Joan Gattuso
@@kanihassan7746 Thank you for sharing! I've added these books to my read list. Being on the same boat to healing, i'm very much looking forward to learning more and letting myself be inspired by more beautiful ideas and incredible people.
@@FeelTalks glad I could help :)
I can assure that the destination is very fullfilling eventhough the journey might not be amusing
Please keep endeavoring to forgive him and any others Jonathan. Forgiveness is freedom, forgiveness is for you. God bless you! Praying for you ❤
Jonathan Chow fun and yummy
I’ve seen a lot of ted talks. This was the most inspiring I’ve ever seen.
Yes, probably one of the best ones.
How does this video not have millions of views? This woman spoke not just her heart out but ultimate truth. Wouldn't be exaggerating if I said she taught me many lessons on how to live today and forever. God bless you always ♥️
“You think that forgiveness is a shortcut to healing.” Yep. And I’ve found that there are a lot of bad therapists out there who go right to forgiveness as if that will magically solve all of life’s problems, without even giving one a chance to talk about what it is that happened that you might need to be so gracious as to forgive. But yeah, how do I get there? I needed to move through my anger first. Sorry if that makes people uncomfortable 🤷♀️
Indeed, I was lucky to find a therapist that never pushed for anything. It's like she was guiding me around the pot holes of life and letting me see around. Eventually when your own minds opens up. You start to notice them by yourself, dodging them without anyone's help.
Forgiveness is the only real path to freedom
You're false
Moha Med why
@ThumperOne Exactly
This is the most powerful TED Talk I’ve ever watched.
Sarah, baby, this was church...God Bless & thank you for sharing your story. Your bravery is helping more ppl than you know🙌🏽
"To get free you have to get super specific about what exactly it is that you’re forgiving because you cannot forgive something that didn’t happen to you……..the family cannot forgive murders because they were not killed, they can only forgive the pain ,anguish and grief that the loss caused them. This was a jackpot moment for me, I had to compartmentalize my damage"
this brought me to tears. I’m working on forgiving people who aren’t sorry and have done unacceptable things to me, this helped. thank you
This talk is so profound and absolutely AMAZING! I love Jesus and grew up in a Christian household all my life, where I heard more sermons on forgiveness than I can ever count, but also felt like not a single one of them gave practical ways in how to walk through that forgiveness process. This talk did it all in the span of 15 minutes. AMAZING!
I never knew you, Jim, or your mom personally but my and jim's choir director (Mr. Tutwiler) showed us this video. I never thought when I first watched this that I would watch it again so many times or show other people it as much as I have. This presentation has touched me and so many others more than I could have thought of. Thank you so much for sharing this story to the world and what exactly the real risk of forgiveness was.
Just before I clicked on this, I thought to myself, "as inspiring and wonderful as all these TED talks are (I watch A LOT of them), I don't think I've ever seen one that's truly INCREDIBLE--near perfect in its message, delivery, writing and truth." Then, I finished watching this one... and I can no longer say that statement accurately. Bravo. This was truly incredible.
Oh, watch some of Andrew Solomons talks, he have 3 i think and they are awesome.
I cried through this video. I can't carry all this anger with me anymore, it's time to let it go. I'm writing a forgiveness letter. Thank you for reminding me that I still have the power to let it go
wow
I’ve watched numerous of sermons on forgiveness and this Ted talk takes the gold trophy. Thank you for sharing your story. ♥️🙏🏽
This one ted talk is going to take me 3 years to digest....just WOW absolutely amazing THANK YOU! Im excited to meet you one day
1 more year to go
Nearly there Yewwww
Damn she's such an amazing woman
The most useful TEDx talk ever! Thank you
Thank u so much for that. I feel like you showed me a path I can understand and follow. I'm so tired.
Hi, might sound random from a stranger, but I hope you're well. Whatever you're going through, I'm wishing you all the best. You'll be okay.
Sending love
I'm good thank u for asking. I have a lot to learn, a lot to let go. Just taken me some time.
@@hvacwork-zd5ph That's totally valid. Things take time. Letting go can be a long and difficult process. I myself am learning a lot lately, too, and I still have a long way to go. Well, I hope things go well for you. Take care!
@@efoxkitsune9493 same here. And no one's going to figure it out for us only ourselves.
I keep thinking about you...let us know how you are doing. Reach out if you need help, a hug.... there are lots of people out here that care.
How can someone so young be so strong. Never in my life miserable life have I seen anyone like this. I am in awww. Woooow. Amazing woman. Thank you so much!!!!!
I am still not sure if I understand what forgiveness is and I have given it 11 years of thought. People ask me if I have forgiven our offender and I can’t say yes or no, just ‘what is forgiveness?’ It is complex. This was a very interesting take on forgiveness and if it works for Sarah all the power to her. Peace to all who suffer at someone else’s hand.
This has to be the single most, to the point, gut wrenchingly honest video I have ever seen on forgiveness. Thank you…..I’m still in the construction phase, but I hope that I will someday be where you are in your journey to forgiveness.
One of my absolute favorite TED talks! She's so authentic...and she's right.
This is seriously so deep and this woman is wise beyond her years!! A therapist once told me that wisdom is having a tolerance for the ambiguity of man. This girl has nailed not only forgiveness but wisdom. Git it girl!
Here is a superwoman. Got emotional watching this, can’t imagine your pain. Sending you all the love and light in the world.
I wasn't expecting this to hit me the way it did. Beautifully worded and so, so profound. I will keep coming back to this for years to come. Thank you, Sarah!
I’ve been searching for this for all my life! Thank you SO much for sharing this talk. Was so tired of being told to forgive others, but not ever being given any instructions on HOW to do it. You have no idea how much you have blessed my life with this. Thank you.
Oh wow, Sarah. This is incredible. Insightful. Beautiful. Moving. Thoughtful. I love and am so grateful for where you took us. Thank you, love you!
Beautiful words 👏. I'm really sorry about what happened to your family, I wish no one would never feel this kind of pain.
Seeing your attackers as nothing is what i was doing thinking i was letting go, u just spoke to me hun
Thank you Sarah! After watching this I do believe that lucky number 7 is my year to forgive. I appreciate this so much. I am forever grateful.
Why would ANYONE give this a thumbs down? It is amazing and life-changing. 💜
Thank you for this the most powerful ted talk, set me in tears. Forgiveness is tricky. I think you have to be ready to do so. Its like you are still giving a part of yourself just to clear the air and set you free. But i feel you still pay or feel the consequences.
I watched your video a good few weeks ago. And this past weekend, I have finally seen the light and experienced this forgiveness thing. Its totally legit.. I AM free..
Very moving account that demonstrates the ups and downs of forgiveness but shows that ultimately there are profound personal enduring benefits from forsaking the offence. You are an inspiration Sarah!
I love how you show your grief, still hold it with you in the present. Bless your mum and dad and family.
I am a UA-cam Junkie I'll admit it. This was one of the best videos I've ever watched in my life it's just what I needed today I was ready to give up thank you so much you're so beautiful
Just out of curiosity, in spite of being a youtube junkie, did you accomplish anything cool since the 12 months you posted this?
I couldn’t help but cry. Thank you. Your words are beautiful.
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I cried and felt my heartstrings being pulled just thinking about your strength and then my own traumas to forgive. I think you are so wonderful and brave and I hope to have that strength of spirit just like you. I know I can! It’s just going to take rolling up my sleeves and saying enough is enough. Won’t that be great finally feeling like the weight of the past is lifted off my shoulders! 🥰🌺🥳🎉
I can’t thank enough for this talk . For the past days , woke up , crying , talking myself , created the characters and chained my self with them . Thank you , it’s time to move on . Thank you for the incredible journey that you shared with us ❤
This is by far one of the most intimate testimonies and invitational talks I've heard concerning forgiveness. Thankful for Sarah and her willingness to be vulnerable and I'm grateful for her growth through forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing your story and lesson about forgiveness. When I was a new teacher, your Mom told me that love is a powerful tool in the classroom. Love and forgiveness.
Beautiful!
This has to be one of best ted talks I have ever watched. She is so charming and articulate in her presentation of sth so deeply damaging. I hope you have found the peace and happiness that you rightfully deserve, ma’am.
I'm crying like something is touching the pit of sadness. Thank you for choosing yourself because you're helping me and a lot of others.
one of the best ted talks I have ever seen. I love how strong she is , and having the opportunity to tell jokes when you tell sad story impressing me
In all my years of watching ted talks, this is simply the best I could relate with.
Thank you so much ma'am.
This is by far the best, most real, raw, honest, and brave Ted talks I've ever seen. Way to go! Really makes me want to forgive myself finally and find out what I'm really capable of. I was absent from most of my daughter's life due to on and off addiction and got clean 2 years ago when she was 13. Thank you
This is one of those talks that will stay with me. I have been trying to figure out forgiveness for years. This talk clarified some things. Very grateful. What a beautiful, strong, honest, open, powerful and empowered woman. May we all shed our resentments big and small.
I’ve been trying to forgive for two years. This is the best material I’ve ever come across about forgiveness. Thank you so much 🙏🏼💛✨
This is the greatest Ted talk, as well as the greatest speech I have heard in my time, and I thank you for executing/ orchestrating this in a way to have an effect in changing my life. You are love. Thank you.
One of the most powerful TedTalks I watched! Thank you for sharing your journey! We all have these villains who chain us to painful memories holding us back from living our lives freely. Turning forgiveness from an abstract and idealistic concept to a tool that one can effectively use to thrive in life is powerful.
I just can't thank you enough Sarah for this talk. I don't know about others watching this video, but you have helped heal at least one soul. I am grateful to you.
Omg! I was extremely touched by this talk.. l hope her all the best of life and healing..
That made me cry repeatedly throughout the powerful, wonderful presentation. I'm still coming to terms with a certain murder in my life, where the person I loved like family and whom i felt deeply that I forgave was the murderer in the situation, who then killed himself in the same minute right after killing his victim. Then i felt a lot of weird shame for my forgiveness even if generally that's supposed to be something people are encouraged to do. I'm trying to understand why and how I came to forgive and i think this helped me get a lot more of how my extreme trauma of him doing this led to me needing to forgive intuitively in order to let go and be free.
OMG i am so sorry to hear about your experience but i swear i was just looking for a video or comment on exacctly THIS point...with many peopl understandably thanking her for making them not feel bad for not yet being able to forgive...I was still seeing if anyone else had experienced the feeling of being ABLE to forgive when others can''t and whether it is a faukt of mine
So true, so raw, so relatable. Thank you for not adding pressure to those who experienced hurt and trauma by expecting quick or easy forgiveness.
Watching this video for the third time. I love everything about it, from the rawness to the humour. I love that she informs about us about why it is important to forgive while reminding us of how extremely difficult it is. Sometimes you are not ready to forgive someone and that's okay but just make sure you don't stay in that place of anger and pain forever❤
This talk is transforming hearts and our world. Your personal story told with courage, compassion, grace, wit and sprinkled with humor shows us exactly why forgiveness is the key to the healing and love that we all seek. When we aren't focused on revenge or retaliation toward the perpetrator, in a way, it's easier because we don't have to face ourselves. People are terrified to face themselves and perhaps the most difficult forgiveness is with ourselves. Thank you for giving us the golden ticket of forgiveness-freedom and for telling us the timing is different for everyone. My heart goes out to you in all the loss you've experienced, but your message is essential to share with our suffering world. Many Blessing for your courage and speaking your powerful truth!
What a beautiful young woman. Her strength makes her very beautiful
Wow, Sarah! Just came across your excellent testimony while looking for deeper steps to forgiveness. And condolences for your loss. Your words are five-dimensional help. Thank you for your vulnerability and wisdom. Blessings
Powerful! One of my favorite Ted Talks. She broke this thing down. Profound: assess your damage in order to forgive. If you don't know what's happen to you you can't forgive, what am I owed? WOW!!!
This is so powerful. I needed to hear this in this every moment. Thank you so much for being brutally honest and authentic. I learnt a lot about forgiveness.
Wow, this is an amazing talk. I have seen many in the past but this one is authentic and it touches my heart. I will see it many times through my life as needed. God bless you for giving us such a wonderful talk.
Such a powerful message. Thank you. God Bless whoever watches this
This was very moving, ive held unto resentment and anger and was finding it very difficult to move on. Forgiving is not a shortcut to healing and i can understand that better now. Thank you
Thank you for pouring yourself into this and bravely sharing your journey with us. ❤️
This was exactly what I needed right now. I took notes and will be reading them again and again. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and message of the beauty and blessings of forgiveness. ❤❤❤
I am currently forgiving my parents’ murderer and have written him a letter and got one back. We are starting a healing journey together
We forgive for ourselves, just to let go and move on.
I forgive myself for sticking to so many things and not letting go just because I don’t want to forgive ...
You’re amazing, you will heal more and more by time, respect and ❤️
This talk offered a perspective on forgiveness that no one else has. Bravo! It was extremely helpful. Thank you.
This was incredible Sarah! Forgiveness is a subject sparingly talked about. You really inspire me to take a deep look into my life and see the lessons I can learn from my past. Your demeanor is outstanding with a blend of humor, bravery, and intelligence. Fantastic job!!
This is such an inspiration to anyone dealing with forgiveness and I'm gonna run with it. I wish everyone needing to forgive or even ask for forgiveness could see this. 🙏🙌💞.
Brilliant, powerful and beautiful presentation!
How someone so young can gain so much wisdom from so much pain and turn it in such elegant and sincere talk?
So much to learn for all of us, and so impressive.
INCREDIBLE!!!
I have watched several videos, and have been reading online about forgiveness, this is the first information that was clear and present help. Thank you for your video!
This made me cry. It is true, it is about them, it is never about you.
I watched it twice and I’m balling. What a beautiful story told with so much vulnerability, humor and authenticity. And I think it’s the first time I really understood forgiveness. I texted this to all my friends. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
Astoundingly beautiful and the way she holds her emotion while imparting is the most practical way to process grieving. Kudos
Wow 1000 times u realy exposed your self and gave a good reason and ways for forgiveness...thanks
Forgiveness is a decision. We can choose to forgive, or we can choose to hold on to hurt feelings and let them sit in our hearts like thorns.
It definitely is a decision, a tough one. But certainly worthwhile!
Out of the plethora of Ted Talks I have watched, listened, and analyzed, this is by far the most eloquent and seemingly understandable approach and delivery. You forgive the feelings that you feel because of the person or situation, you cannot forgive what does not happen to you, But you can relinquish what it made you feel like. Intent or not, when someone or something happens to you, that feeling is validated whether they were trying to evoke that response or not. Clarity is the key to longterm peace, communication, and life.
I was crying the whole time watching this. It baffles me how you interject humour to a very painful experience. But, listening to your talk made me realize this is the power of true forgiveness. We are able to smile and laugh again because we freed ourselves from the chains of blame and hatred. Thank you Sarah!
Very moving! Beautiful! Deep! Thank you so much for your vulnerability and your presentation!
What an eloquent speaker. Amazing!
Had me in tears. I need to forgive and for all the reasons this remarkable lady offered. All my questions got answered and now I will see if I can follow her path.
Sarah Montana. My new favorite person. Such strength, and courage, and beauty, and love... Thank you for being an inspiration, an example to follow, and a light for many of us who don't feel ready or brave enough to forgive. Your energy is magical. ✨
I am trying to forgive the man that killed my son...it's so hard ..
This is very powerful
Maybe you are not ready to forgive yet, maybe the wounds are still too fresh. And that's absolutely okay. I'm very sorry for your loss
@@beingearnest123 I want to be ready. It's been a year.
Thank you it's really hard.
I wish you all the best and i am here to support you. Please don't pressure yourself to forgive him it may hurt you more. Time will tell you when you are ready to. You are hurt because you still have a lot of love to give to your son , but hey look around you ..there are people ..you Can take that love you have for your son to the World. Life is still beautiful i Hope you will be able to see it.
Wonderful. Truthful. My respect for the young honest speaker. I always get frustrated when the preachers of any religion preach about ''forgiveness' when they cannot even do it by themselves. Hypocrisy angers me a lot. Over the years I learnt that only the handful of the mankind know the truth about anything. I hope to belong to the handful.
loved her dissection of steps toward for forgiveness, I will probably listen to this ten more times and pray for the character to actually do it
That was perfect and what I needed to hear! Thank you! Been struggling to get over certain resentments and I have people tell me to just “pray on it” and it helps a little but it comes right back. I’ve always had a hard time with let it go but HOW is the problem because nobody says what to do just you know release it and whatever. I know when it doesn’t serve me anymore and I want to not carry the weight around anymore. Will probably listen again…