They destroy any beautiful moment, holiday, anniversary, a reason to celebrate... they are just monsters! Cruel, viscid, mean creatures and what's the worst, is that other think that it's you making problems, and not the narcissist! And what pisses me off is that they always get away with it!!! People believe them and not us!
My ex girlfriend is bipolar. I am not making light of her illness or anything like that I understand but out of the blue, she will make cutting somewhat spiteful remarks and smirk about it. I feel bad for saying it but some people with bipolar tend to be narcissistic.
@@tommyparkerparker, usually the bipolar can co-exists with 1 or more personality disorders… so her narcissism is not surprising. Sorry you’re dealing with that.
Because they're good liars and manipulators. My family that hates me destroyed my piece even this year even though I'm not on the same continent. They don't call all year but they call on Christmas for long talks and are so subtle that you barely notice the manipulation they introduce. It's pure evil but the evil they do, it always comes back. I've seen it with my own eyes and it's scary.
They spoil every special,occasion that’s important to you. Xmas birthdays anniversaries. I hated Xmas because of the narcissist, he made sure my Xmas day was ruined. I didn’t know the word narcissist, I do now.
I cut off contact with my entire family. I'm the scapegoat by definition. Either I'm the toxic one, or they are. In any case we do much better apart. My mother is high on the narcissistic scale. She's the ring leader. My siblings know that if they talk bad about me to her, she'll enjoy that. I've been held back so long I have high hopes for 2024 after finally letting go
@@Paulysacs I feel you, I get told Im the selfish one for wanting to have my children more than a few days per year. And she will never say it is because she doesn’t want them to see me, its because they don’t want to see me. But when I ask them, they always want to see me, until they talk to her then they get upset talking about it.
Stay strong!!!! I can relate and I been no contact for over 12 years. It’s hard in the beginning and I still have guilt feelings and sometimes think they would be happy to hear from me but know deep inside my dad will start his head games. It would only be a matter of time. The longer you go the better you will get.
When I was 16 I wanted a cd player for christmas. A few days before christmas there was a big box under the tree with my name on it. Then when it was time to open it, it was a giant Elmo stuffed animal. I wasnt the type of person that was into that sort of thing at all. I was so embarassed and humiliated and held back tears. I knew if I showed any emotion besides neutrality my mother would go into a rage about how selfish, spoiled and ungrateful I am. This was many years ago and now that I have kids of my own I would never even think to do something like that to them. If money was an issue, that's one thing, but to make it seem like I got what I asked for only to be a stuffed animal is so inappropriate.
I can completely relate! I was a kid and asked Santa for a Julia Barbie doll. It was a replica of Diahann Carroll and the doll had a cute little nurse outfit. Christmas day, there was a box the perfect size from Santa, and when I opened it, it wasn't even a Barbie, it was some other kind of doll. I was so disappointed, and kept looking for the Julia doll. When I was older and asked my mom why she didn't get me a Julia doll she said it was because she didn't like Diahann Carroll. Of course, it is always about her. So sorry you went through that too.
Another thing they will do is give the very thing you asked for...to one of your other siblings. (long story). When I was a kid my parents didn't have a lot of money. They were going through a stressful time that year so I didn't want to ask for anything. For week's all I dreamed about was having a guitar but my parents had zero interest in my creative abilities. I finally just asked my dad if one day I could get a guitar and I said that I was willing to do chores to put towards the cost. Week's passed by and I saw my dad come home from work carrying a guitar case. He came in the house and handed the guitar to my sister. He told me that if he was going to spend money on a guitar that he'd rather give it to her because she was a straight A student. I remember I just got up out of my chair and headed straight up to my room. I can't begin to share not describe how that felt. Messed me up for year's. My parents knew that I sang at school and at home. They knew that I wrote song's. They definitely knew that I wanted to be a musician. Obviously both of my parents chose to give the guitar to my sister. Truly sick.
@@lalani888ARTblueoh gosh I am so sorry I really felt your pain reading your comment. I hope you have since got a guitar and had the opportunity to follow your passion 🙏🏻😻
My spouse narc made a big deal out of going to grocery store 15 minutes before it closed on Christmas Eve to buy me a bag of chocolates - even chastised the store staff for rushing him out of store when he wasn’t done at 6 pm - on Christmas Eve! Made huge presentation of chocolates to me on Christmas morning in the wrapping of a brown grocery store bag.
This video is spot on! Divorced 14 years ago and ex narcissist still tries to ruin my relationship with our sons and our holidays. I finally blocked him on my phone right before Christmas this year. I just can't take the emotional abuse anymore. Our boys are 19 and 16, they can handle their own relationships!!
My Mom was a Narcissist. She lived to 90, and never relented. I was 70 when she died, and am still trying to pick up the pieces. Dreading Christmas and the entire Holiday Season. Too old and sick now to correct the messed up neural wiring. Trying. Sure wish you lived next door. Still, Thank you for the great information.
I am sorry you had to live so long this. You saying you were too old and sick to change things just pained my heart. I'm sorry your life was stolen from you💜
Check out hypnosis therapy. My therapist helped me release things really quickly and painlessly and reach a level of healing I didn’t get from other means. It was truly magical actually. If it doesn’t work with one therapist don’t give up either. Also you can learn to do self hypnosis to save money and time. Best wishes friend. ❤ please don’t give up on yourself. Everyday is a blessing and you have been given freedom from your narcissist and can be free finally. You can do it, I know you can. Everyday will get better for you. ❤
I feel you, my mother is 94 yrs old and still venomous! She isn't satisfied until I'm in tears and physically shaking while she verbally attacks me. How dare I work, get married, have children, have friends, have a house or animals. All these things take time away from them. She will never die until she can dance on my grave!
This is a little thing, but I think it will make me feel better to write it. In junior year of high school, I got a really high score on the psat. I had the fifth highest score in my class and missed being a merit scholarship finalist by just 2 points ... argh. Anyway, I had studied hard on my own using a workbook and was really excited about doing well. When I told my mom after school that day, she was completely dismissive and as unimpressed as was possible to be. Yes, it was not that big a deal BUT I have to believe that a normal loving parent would be happy to see that their child was happy and had worked hard to achieve something. My mom went out of her way to let me know that I should not feel happy or proud. I have a million examples of similar events in my childhood. Subtle put downs, passive aggression, dismissiveness, withheld warmth and affection. I really didn't even comprehend the harm done until my fifties. Thanks for listening.
I understand because I experienced the same. It's not a little thing because it's a big hurt that results. I'm glad you wrote about it & I hope that the hurt lessens in time. When I was in high school I always scored highly & wanted to continue learning & become a professional. I won a scholarship but my mother wouldn't allow me to accept it. My two sisters did not want to continue their schooling but my mother pushed them into it. One older, one younger than me. They both dropped out because they'd never wanted to. At the age of 44 I went to university & became a school teacher; my life's dream.
@@lilleeball1148 I'm so pleased you did eventually do what you always dreamed. Doesn't it always make you wonder what you might have accomplished with the parental love and support you deserved all along? I know, I know. That is a wasted time rabbit hole. We just had to grow up, survive, and now love and parent ourselves. Thank you for your comment.
This was spot on. Christmas has become an exhausting and difficult time because it lost all meaning for me a long time ago. We usually all get together at my at my parents house. There's an unspoken rule that everyone should be there but in recent years all the unresolved family drama has put a lot of people off. My Dad, who is the controlling covert narcissist always creates friction and chaos just to get people frustrated yet wants everyone to put on a game face and pretend otherwise. The idea that we are all adults and don't have to be together if we don't want to is a total foreign concept to my Dad. He will even lie and manipulate my siblings to get what He wants. I see through a lot of His tack ticks and need for control and often resist them. But Ive been labelled difficult and rebellious for not towing the line. Last year I vowed to myself that it would be the last Christmas I will spend with my family till further notice. When I was a teen, my sisters and I used to make cupcakes for children in our nearby hospital for Christmas. We'd spend the Christmas morning distributing the cupcakes to staff and the kids. We had to stop because my Mom didn't like the positive attention it created. I want to go back to doing things like that because it truelly filled my heart and made Christmas meaningful and special.
Ex-covert narc husband used to HAVE to have a nap in one of his families bedrooms when we were all together for holidays, etc, because it was all too much for him. EVERYTHING was about him and his feelings, wants, and needs. Every one of my birthday's inevitably became about him as he'd magically become unwell the day of so any plans were either altered or all about him being so amazing for allowing plans to go ahead. Such an effing martyr.
Put this expectation of his actions on a note and seal it in an envelope with extra sealing stickers, mail it with a postmark to yourself. Then when your birthday is there, tell one of your unbelieving friends or family what you expect him to do to get attention. (Don't let them have the chance to be alone with him and tell him your prediction.) After he's done his predicted selfish tricks, produce the envelope and note to the friend/family. It could be good for them to see the prediction come true, OR they could think you're a nut. I'd do it either way.
The activation of your nervous system prior to a special occasion and then them appearing like the kind, reasonable person is spot on. It's all manipulation and control with them. Just be grateful that you don't think and act like them and are a better person. They will make your life as miserable as they feel on the inside.
This is so spot on. My sister once sent me a birthday card. Looked like a truck ran over it and bought at a yard sale. The picture on the front was a stack of cookies. (My whole life, eat well exercise, fit trim....) The inside said, when I saw this card I thought of you. ??????
I will be watching this video before every single family get together. And doing some inner work. Just wish I’d seen it before this Christmas. This has been such an eye opening video. I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon it. Thank you! It’s literally my family get togethers explained in 20 minutes. I’m literally in tears. 60 years I’ve felt such a burden to everyone. Like what’s wrong with me. Shame and disgust with myself. Loathing every special event, feeling sick to stomach. Not being able to sleep properly for months afterwards. My God, It’s not me!!!!!
Here is what Christmas looks like when you canned your family 25 years ago. Minimal shopping, a few favourite menu items from your wife’s newly renovated kitchen, curling up with your hunting dog and binge watching Mad Men and Scorcese movies.. taking lots of naps. Just basically taking it as easy as it gets. Oh look… fresh homemade spring rolls are ready… crunch crunch. Mmm more sweet chili sauce please…
Dude it’s great. I’m NC and only have to worry about a couple gifts and we eat whatever we want. I’m spending this Christmas with my new husbands family and they’re nice but it’s a lot. I have a couple things I make for Christmas and the whole family has a say so. They were doing prime rib but I was also making a ham and my stuffing I only make once a year and his mom kept going “oh that’s just gonna be way to much food” like idc this is what we like to eat and I make split pea every year with the bone like I just wanted my quiet Christmas!
@@spiritualempress6691 people just build Christmas up so much they're bound to be dissapointed. All my friends and family have EVERYTHING they could ever need. Gift buying is just redundant at this point. What counts is just relaxing and having lots of laughs. It's the one time of year when we will have breakfast in bed and just stay there. We can feel the stress others feel about having to go for family dinners and dealing with difficult family members, just by the way they look and the way they shop and drive. A friend of mine is a shrink and it's not speculation, it's clear that this is a very stressful time of year for many people, and it's dark and cold here in Canada, already a bit depressing. Stats also show a spike in divorce filings in January after the "Family Blowup" over the Holidays. Have a nice long weekend, may you spend a lot of it in pajamas and curled up watching a great movie, even if it isn't a Gangster film..lol
@@spiritualempress6691 His mother was right. Why would you insist on making a whole other main meat when the family plan was prime rib? One does have to compromise with normal people. Watch out for your own narc fleas.
"The drama they create -- they like that drama" -- so true. So very sad and true. My little family (wife and daughter) were so happy and had so much fun, but there are narcissists, and a main malignant narcissist that I broke contact with years agi, but I didn't break contact with my brother. I had to Christmas eve when he was telling me "you're so negative. Bury the hatchet. Let bygones be bygones, and call dad". He's supposedly intelligent, but plays dumb when his narrative doesn't go his way. This is the narc's son, who is my half-brother and becoming a full blown narc. He knows he was the golden child, and I was the goat. So he tried to bring me back into the fold, over the phone because he's a coward. He started yelling at me while my daughter and wife listened, and his family probably listened, so I started screaming at him, swearing at him and told him we will never be in contact again. He said I miss you and I said "have a good life". This is a guy that, when I wasn't there, was the goat. He was abused by dad (a loving physician to the world) on a daily basis until he had a psychotic break and spent 11 days in a psych ward. I was kind and gentle to him, as I try to be to everyone, so he lived with my wife, baby daughter and I while he healed. My wife didn't like it because was afraid he'd kill us in our sleep or something. He actually thought dad was the devil and could read minds. I said he wasn't he just did bad things, was smart enough, and had a genetic disposition to know where we are in life, but I didn't understand why he behaved as he did. I didn't understand narcissism until the rise of Trump. He was just like my dad, calling himself a genius, lying with truths and half-truths, saying absurd things, insulting others in joke-form, turning everyone against each other for his own benefit and making unwise, and uneducated people like them. Appealing to the lowest common denominator with no shame. I was fortunate to have been abandoned by the narc-dad when I was a baby, and misfortunate that my mom found him when I was 14 and a half. He only visited me once, blamed everyone but him, and told me how rich and genius he was, and how many women he slept with. I was a wide eyed dumb 14 year old boy that had never met an adult like dad. He was so clever and lectured me for mowing lawns and throwing papers. Telling me it was beneath me. Then, in exchange for my mom not telling Welfare about him he said he'd send child support. He did not. He would tell me absurd reasons why. He didn't introduce me to my grandparents until I was 19. He said they would feel shame for me. When they liked me and told me I was the most attractive in the family (I'm not but it gave me warm fuzzies), he acquiesced and admitted he was embarrassed for himself, not me. So there were rare moments like that but everything he discussed was so awful, I wanted nothing to do with him, but I wanted a dad so badly. I did get close to my half brothers, especially the one who broke down and I felt bad for. It broke my heart to see him start to become our narc dad. Same put downs, same cruel jokes. This was after he healed and got a wife, felt empowered then got a degree in my field that his narc tendencies really started to shine. His psychiatrist even told him he was a narc. My wife and daughter saw what happened. When we had the fallout this Christmas Eve My daughter cried because she's intelligent and knew I was provoked. She knows it was totally unlike me. I had to block all the family on my dad's side. Even my brother, I dearly love, because he was putting me down the way dad does and had that final drama at me. Sorry I wrote so much, and so poorly. I just notice so many of us have gone through the same things and have, practically, the same experiences. This was cathartic because I really have no one to talk to about it. Thank you all.
You are on point. They want to control the emotions of the people around them, and by any means necessary. If you have exposure to a narcissist, at this time of year especially, it is about survival, sadly.
@@lonilonelony8419 I'm sorry, and I get it. For me this time of year brings memories of crippling depression and confusion why I felt so sad and lonely. It's better now thanks to getting informed, trauma therapy, and very low contact. ☮️
Very on point! The ganging up is a real thing. So is mixed messages. The deflation is also devastating. They do cause changes in our nervous system and it takes a long time to understand this and we keep going back and trying to fix things. We need to assert ourselves and have boundaries. Easier said than done! Great discussion, thanks! :-)
I am still in the relationship and have only learned or heard the word Narcissist about two years ago. I cant get enough of your videos. You are the first person that i can understand. As i sit here and cry not for fweling sorry for myself but feel joy that i have found you. Im so unhappy and my family doesnt understand why i just cant get rid of him. Ive tried he doesnt want to leave because he has me so conditioned to his maddness, chaos, drama whatever its called, that he keeps saying eberything is fine yet i know he has several other gals on the side he thinks he is hidding stuff from me when its only obvious whats going on. I wish he would discard me already and be done i dont knkw how much more i can handle. Please words of encouragement anything i can use to get through my days. Im a mess also such a big mess i cant remember stuff im always not making sense of stuff im miserable honestly. Thanks Michele Lee
You can get out. I believe in you. You survived without him before and you can do it again. Just make it your priority and you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you leave. Also if he is abusive it will get worse. Better to get out now than wait for things to escalate. Maybe it would help to see a therapist and they can help you leave. Good luck to you. You deserve to be happy.
2 days before Christmas I snapped at my husband (because i was overwhelmed with holiday preparation) and he said to me "Ya know... I WAS gonna buy you a present...." Same shit every year.
I've hated holidays for years. I was always nervous around the holidays. My wife never was hurtful in her gift giving. Actually, she always gave me the best things. I think she did this because if I didn't give her the best, she would throw it in my face.
When I was a child I learned to ask my father instead of my mother what I wanted for Christmas. My mother would buy my sister the gift I asked for in addition to the gift that my sister asked for. As a young adult my mother would tell me what she was planning on giving me after doing spring cleaning and when I would go to pick it up tell me that she gave it to my sister. My response would be, “ That’s OK, I have the money to buy it if I want.” Though terribly hurt and yes, sometimes angry, I never became bitter because I know that God always restores justice in His time. My mom is now an 86 year old crippled, bitter old woman that despises the fact that, though a senior myself, I am healthy and able to snow ski and ice skate, hobbies I picked up as an adult. She wants me to put my life on hold, turn my back on my husband and all my hobbies in order to take care of her because my sister is also in bad health and can’t help her, my father has passed away. Right now my nephew and his wife live with her, hoping to get her house when she passes away, and I hope they do because she has trained me to expect nothing from her and my husband and I are in a good place in life; we want nothing from her. Funny thing is my mother wants and expects me to come and take care of her because she doesn’t like my nephews house cleaning habits, lol!😂 I told her that I have my own responsibilities and she should hire a maid.
Your video is one of the best I’ve viewed on this subject. You used different terminology so I need to watch this over because you hit several nails in my head. Thank you.
You've finally answered the question I always have when viewing videos describing strategies for dealing with these vampires: WHY NOT JUST LEAVE OR REMOVE THIS PERSON FROM YOUR LIFE? And it has to do with wounds- especially shame. So I suppose I've grown because I once suffered these sickos. Now I just walk away. Merry Christmas and thank you!
That point at the end about how they "try to push you beyond the bounds of who you are" really resonates with me. I've noticed a few toxic individuals use a very disgusting technique in which they will confront, attack or question you on some aspect of your being that they know will trigger a particular wound. They know because they've tried it many times before, and maybe the first few times you handled it well or at least ok, but they could detect that they hit a nerve and would repeat the same action whenever they got bored. For instance they might ask why you don't want to get a better paid job and prefer to live in poverty. What they're actually doing is making an assumption about you and judging your character and generally insulting you, but they do it in a way that they can easily deny abuse and even argue that they are somehow trying to help or support you. Whatever the bullshit reason is for repeatedly poking you, they straight away achieve (in part) their main objective which is to try and assert their dominance or superiority. Their second objective is to set you up to fall, and they attempt this by choosing the right triggers and the right words that will provoke you to respond in a defensive way. Because they have rehearsed and delivered the same blows time and time again they don't have to think about what to say, they're just reading from the script. But they are banking on your inner need to over explain yourself and will turn up the speed at which they will hit you with a range of questions and comments as well as accusations and their own bogus conclusions just to increase your anxiety. Then they interrupt you and cut short the time required for you to make any dignified response by suddenly changing the subject by asking or commenting something completely different but equally triggering so as to keep you on your toes and in a panicked state. It's so fucked up and as I get older I'm finding myself more and more tempted to kick them hard in the balls and floor them. Trying to not take the bait is bloody hard though because you react almost instinctively. The narcissist isn't improvising, everything with them is premeditated and they know exactly what they are doing! It's worth devising and painfully rehearsing a few protocol responses that you select every time you get triggered this way and train yourself to treat it in the same way as a workplace fire drill so that you don't even have to think about what to say in the heat of the moment.
I’m sorry it’s been this way! It’s a frustrating time…to realize what’s happening while feeling overwhelmed with the seemingly lack of rationality to discuss solutions to the rhetoric. It seems like after a plausible solution, or even a clear explanation it’s returned back to the same disillusion or compounded to turn that latest discovery into a new situation for arguing a seemingly better status positions.
@@denniskramer5238 There is no solution to be had with these people, it's not what they want. They are just playing with you and enjoying triggering you. The trick is to recognise when they're doing it and refuse to play their game.
It could be worse…you could be the abuser…and have to answer for that later…I hope you got far away from them…some of them like to track and torture others…they make you feel like you need meds when they are sicker than you mentally. Period.
@@naimahcanty9836 Very true. Although they don't often end up having to answer for themselves. They are the Harry Houdini of side-stepping responsibility. My concern if I were them would be how I live with myself. The only way they manage it is by seeking constant distraction and every connection they have is shallow and unfulfilling and part of an ongoing cycle of gaining and losing friends. The worst part of all is going through life and having nobody who accepts you or even knows who you truly are. Hell on earth!
This sounds like a situation that calls for separation. They will never quit , so endure the challenge , or don’t waste your precious life and time and remove yourself from such a toxic environment. I did about 6 months ago and it’s been “ peaceful “.
This makes so much sense. My mom would never give me anything I asked for on Christmas. The one time she most likely accidentally got me something I liked, a Barbie hair salon, she decided a piece of it was missing and that I had to stop playing with it immediately and she would exchange it for something better. Well she took it and I never got anything in exchange or another barbie gift for the rest of my life. As an adult my golden child sibling is an alcoholic and loves to spiral out of control during any holiday I host or special occasion in my life. My mother will subsequently not come over to my place or wherever to celebrate because said golden child won't be there "and there's no way she could enjoy herself without that person being there". I need to win the lottery so I can move far far away from them 😂😩
My new daughter-in-law is a narcissist. They live across the country and she convinced my son that they could visit us this Christmas - if her mother joined us as well. Her mother highjacks every conversation and is exhausting. My youngest son refused to come and visit us due to this arrangement, so we missed him this year. I work a full time very demanding job and this is my busiest time of year but I cleaned, decorated and planned 15 meals. Sure enough, she and her mother sat and visited with everyone while I worked the entire time, leaving little time to visit with my son. When I asked if she could help, she pouted. Since my son has been with her, he’s developed mental health issues and is very down on himself. I’m so concerned and sad for his health and well being, but she controls his every move. What can we do? I feel so helpless in this situation.
You’ll have to try to stay close to your son. It’s all you can really do for now. Try to see him one on one occasionally without her around. Maybe he’ll eventually open up and you can educate him about narcs. But be careful because she will try to get revenge if she thinks you’re influencing him. You’ll also have to make a plan for future Xmases because she and her mother will happily hijack it for the rest of your life. It’s a very difficult situation. I didn’t go home for Xmas for 20 years because my narc brother and his narc wife ruined every holiday for me. I dearly missed seeing my parents and they me on Xmas but they unfortunately felt obligated to cater to the narcs. I wish they’d come up with a plan for at least some Xmases because it would’ve given us all a break.
You described my mother but it was not just holidays, it was year round. I ended up moving to the other side of the world to get away from her at 35. She was trying to poison my children against me. She succeeded in poisoning my sister against me. I was a single parent. When she got Alzheimer’s I was talking to her on the phone and she said “I love you” I didn’t know what to say. I broke down and told my then husband that all I wanted was a mother daughter relationship, and he said, you do just look at you and the girls it great, then told him yeah but I wanted to be the daughter.
That’s sad hun. You can still be a great mother to those babies and to yourself. I have had to learn to mother myself as well because I didn’t have any self love after the trauma and abuse for so many years. ❤
I had an ex who would do everything they could to make me SO angry at him -- start fights, etc then tell other people that there was something wrong with me because he would say and do little things in front of other people that would make me snap at him, then tell those other people that I was a mental case. He had people believing it for years. After I got away from him, amazing how I became a nice and stable person again, then they apologized finally because they realized he was causing me to act that way on purpose so I wouldn't have any friends. SO glad I wised up finally and left ~~~~~
I know. I spent 14 years in one and I didn’t have a damn clue. Then when a women abuse service came to help me after I fled with my kids I realized how programmed I had become and desensitized to the abuse. I walked on eggshells for years and didn’t even know what gaslighting was until I read the definition. I was clueless but now I’m not.
Yes I believe this. I am on the autism spectrum partly due to my mother's lack of nurturing. Autistic people have more physical ailments and are uncoordinated too. There is a correlation between stress and disease.
This is the most insightful, concise, and thoroughly explained treatment on this topic I've ever seen! Everything you mentioned happened again this year. the main players in my life came up with a scenario so new, I couldn't see it coming. My daughter in law gave me a scratch off and a cheap bag of candy, My husband did nothing, and brought my clueless using stepson home for 5 days with 1 day notice! For 2 days he said all the right things to hook me,(the son) then went back to full out passive aggressive abuse.Meanwhile, I gave them all insightful, memorable gifts that I worked on for months, just like last year!
This describes my Christmases with my mother. She never gave me what I wanted and I had to pretend to like everything or else I was being selfish. Even weeks before her death she bad mouthed me to the nurses! I couldn't believe it. It really is a disease that the sufferer doesn't even know about or have the slightest inkling.
Oh boy, I hear you there. Mine died of colon cancer, and I flew thousands of miles and stayed at her house for the last 3 months in order to care for her. Colon cancer involved part of her colon being removed so she was unable to poop. Projectile vomiting actual poop, was part of just about every day, stripping bedding, washing walls and furniture, changing her clothes. I found out when she died that she had told the other narcs I was squatting in her house and taking money. Those family members, none of whom had visited during those 3 months showed up within hours to do an inventory and gave me 24 hours to get out. Nobody thanked me for stepping up, so they wouldn't have to. The experience gutted me. Of course I never took any of her money, or anyone elses. And looking after her was exhausting, she was a very demanding, ungrateful patient. I haven't spoken to a single one of them since. I guess in a way I owe them thanks for laying everything out so clearly that going no contact was easy and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Sometimes, being an orphan rocks!
Thank you so much Michelle for all your time and knowledge you provide for us! This explains my ex sister in law to a T! Thank goodness she is no longer in my life especially around the holidays! She made me feel so small, insignificant and unimportant. And the gift thing she did to my husband and I! My FIL, MIL, BIL, and my husbands sister all got thought out custom t shirts for Christmas that spoke to their personality. The whole time she was gloating about how thoughtful she was. She purposely gave Jeff and my gift after they all opened theirs. I got a generic winter hat and my husband got LED lights. No thought whatsoever and I knew why. I was mad and hurt. But it justified why I really didn’t like her and dreaded being around her during family time.
I can relate to you story With me it was a TV when I was a kid instead she gave it to my brother for Xmas and I had to share a room with him ! A constant reminder Until 2 years ago I broke away from her !! Best thing I’ve done for my self
I could care less about retail Christmas...after year's of going through that mind bleeping stuff. For me Christmas is about just having a peaceful day with no drama. Hopefully a home cooked meal and just thanking God for helping me to leave that jerk. Amen!! 💚💌
I can relate to this too. One Christmas my brother and sil gave everyone thoughtful gifts. When it was my turn, they gave me a huge box..what could it be..? At the bottom was a candle and 2 bottles of beer.!!! I was shocked. What the heck?? I tried my best and thanked them, but ..inside, I felt hollow. And, it felt like I got punched in my gut.. Of course I knew what they were up to.
@@sduskybutterflyk3720Oh no! Such idiots. I bet they had great fun picking out those two beers. You handled it well. My narc brother and SIL are the same. I finally stopped going to family Xmas because of them. I really missed seeing my lovely parents at Xmas but being alone was better than dealing with the narc antics.
Ive watched hundreds of these videos and this one is by far the most eye opening. For me, it's like this all year round. The whole "focusing on them" point is spot on. It's almost impossible to function doing everyday things that should come so easy. It's insanity at the highest level.
*Best Channel on Narcissism* ~ Damn You-tube doesn't give it the boost it deserves. I guess everybody on this platform has to have a Doctorate in order for Screw-Tube to care. Michele deserves MILLIONS of views.
Christmas...so confusing..never really got it. I am so on point in life, this narcissist stuff..took a longgggg time..behind closed doors, different story..outside people would think I was Crazy If I told the truth about my Life..I would not be believed. Life is different... so good, so blessed.❤
So True, my child and the family of her husband, treated me as I was not there and make my only 2 granddaughters against me. Thank you for explaining so clearly the purpose of these very toxic and unhappy people no matter the money, Status intellectual capability they have……
Wow... That before photo face.. That's me, right now.. your definitely helping me work towards that after photo.. I want those natural good feelings to be alive. Enjoy the good things. To trust again.
They suck out all the joy in any enjoyment of Christmas. My ex husband makes sure he keeps two of my children from spending any time with me at Christmas. My oldest son has been “disowned” by him because he won’t be controlled.
This is such an important video omfg thank you thank you❤ 35 years married to covert NPD literally found out what was happening 5 years ago spent 30 years thinking wtaf? Lol sob
I gave my two young nephews, son and daughter, personal safes, for Christmas one year. They were either going to college or living with roommates and I thought they could use a secure space for money and personal items. My male nephews and son sounded thankful. My daughter cried. When my wife shopped fir a very expensive winter coat for her one year and she returned it immediately.
Thank you so much! Very well stated… great summary of my experiences with my nuclear family … this will be the 4th holiday season since I cut them out of my life… holidays are so peaceful now…..
2021 holidays were hell from all this and more .... my family was torn apart 💔 and I was set up as the problem while replayed the victim . It has been a living nightmare since then and has created an isolation for me... but I use the pain to growth and evolve ... Devastating!!!
During the holiday festivities the narcissist wants to be the center of attentions. After all he or she thinks they rule the world and the rest of us just exist here. I’m thrilled to have walked away from all the toxicity. This is going to be my first Christmas narcissist free. It’s already the best Christmas I ever had.😊🦋✝️🙏❤️🕊️🦅💪
You really know exactly what they are about and I only wish I had watched this before I talked with the toxic person in my life. It would have prepared me. Instead I ended up falling for the same old traps and I felt bad for several hours. You explained this very well. Thank you. I am going to check out more of your videos for sure as you really seem to understand this problem.
11:22 Yes, this is what has happened to me for 17 years. When I confronted my narcissist about it, the response I got was “did you record us?”. Nope, I don’t need to. I can tell by the way you are acting. Doesn’t take a genius to know people are talking poorly about me, for no good reason. Complete 180 degrees from my family and how I was raised. We built each other up. I took that for granted. Now my life is a living hell.
My narcissistic in-laws abuse me every Christmas Day and my husband pretends not to notice anything. Every milestone in our marriage I was miserable - our wedding, our first home, our first child, they made sure all my happy moments were ruined. I used to love Christmas, New Year, birthdays, but now I have disconnected from all of these. They come on my birthday and subtly throw insults of any shape or form to make me feel small. I have not spent Christmas with them since Covid but even now I find it hard to celebrate. Just last night 31st December my husband just ruined it all again for me and drove me crazy. And here he is acting like a victim as always. I was in rage right on New Year’s Eve. So my 2023 ended feeling deflated and started my 2024 in a bad mood. I just don’t know how to continue anymore 😢
I shared a house with an emotional vampire for 8 months. I'm still working this out after a year and a half. Most peope, including friends, don't want to know about this. We are expected to simply bounce back. Self improvement takes time and energy.
Thank you saying this. If 8 months in that can cause such a lasting effect than 3 years of still healing after 14 years of being in an narcissistic abusive relationship I can’t feel so bad about not feeling 100% yet.
Not sure what my options are as a retired person on a small fixed income. I find that my hobbies are helpful. I've done a lot of research on this experience online. Your information is helpful.
@@GingeReneeyou’re a warrior just the fact that you got out are so long and are still out. I’m 31 days NC and wanna go back already, can’t fathom why I just wanna drive over to love the person with narc traits
It's no wonder I am f****ing CRAZY!!! And I actually like the holiday but I can't enjoy them because I have to deal with a f***ing narcissist!! The sad part is, I can't even feel good about getting that off of my chest because now I feel guilty for saying that because it's my f***ing mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will say, I am getting better at taking care of myself. I have a good time with my daughter a week before the holiday. When it's time to go visit my mood is flat. I can't let her see me happy because I know what's next. This video is so spot on. Maybe I can find a support group because this sh*t is crazy 😪🤕🥵😵💫
This year. I didn’t want any xmas day with the male parent at all but the rare twice a year dinner with niece was important to be at. He informs me after that he has an MRI for Dec 29 (tomorrow). Says it like it’s a novelty, big pause looked for reaction. I don’t care any more, he’s not been involved in my life other than to be critical and snotty, and I got sick and tired of being conned into re trusting and involved in shallow staged event that ends in bottom piling me again. Just like you said, he’s stuck on forcing me to be focused on “him/his” anything. Like the last 60 yrs of my life , my status is always “need to know” , this gives him power tripping options. He pulls this crap that way. Showing up out of the blue expecting me to drop what I’m doing and joining for food/event/something paid for, or acting like I must just sit at home doing nothing until he comes by with “a solution”. I have no idea what his MRI is for, still. The follow up was “they called Christmas eve , I didn’t answer just call screened, probably want me to come in right away”. Yawn. Still don’t care. Nor will I let myself feel like scar like most of my life, for not feeling concern or worry. that time is over. He killed any relationship between decades ago, added to it after mother died by newly emboldened power tripping with “I was thinking of disinheriting you, we have nothing in common”. Who the F says that about family, while having not spent any effort to change that? Months after the most important balance in the family died? A Narc is who. Someone who shoves an emotional fist in your face for effect, and doesn’t care to make things better when it can be used as a club instead. After the “shocker” (he was so disappointed it fell flat) announcement he drops a waffle maker in front of me, unwrapped. We haven’t done presents since Mom died, but of course “he makes the rules” so he gets to break them he figures. It’s really rather pathetic, insulting. He absolutely refuses to change or be better cuz of course “i’m perfect” is his motto... never apologizes for anything , it must be black sheep The Disinherited Son I’m already researching into how to refuse doing his estate as executor, i have no interest in the hassle as well as the insult from beyond the grave. That he thinks i will be the obedient submissive and do it is amazing. I don’t want his dirty money and hassle, IF he even has me down for anything, whenever that relief day comes for me. The MRI might even be a lie, who knows.... he’s been a drama queen that way all my life yet never sought Dr info about things (knees, shoulder, the TMJ clunking he suddenly announced proudly at one niece dinner with no dentist follow up since, big loud dramatic chest clutching for decades...if any was real would be dead long ago) People who DONT have a dysfunctional family, THANK GOD PROFUSELY. You have no idea what hell turmoil defective spinoffs defective relationship skills and tons of other life abusing thing you aren’t suffering from... and don’t have to make workarounds for.
2:28 I discovered the concept of narcissists by accident. Before that I just identified these people as "Aunt Dorthy" (my covert aunt) or "Karen". I recognized they were just unhinged individuals, who were inconsistent, and unable to be pleased. Those individuals never got far with me because I have a GOOD memory & Im logical. If 20% of our interactions have been heinous, then I know 20% of our future interactions will be heinous. There is NOTHING you can say that will shift my stance. The only way to fix the situation is to start performing better so that static revises itself (it's like boosting your GPA at school). So how do you preform better? I bless you with opportunities that work for ME, on MY schedule, and by MY grace aka if I tell you Im not coming to the holidays any sassback is going to be met with future point deductions. We meet on my schedule, when I want. Healthy people do not mind this set up. The realize they really botched things & are grateful for the opportunity when I provide it. Narcissists? Yah, no way that will work for them. So they self select out of my life
Just today I was told that I could be very brutal to people who gave me gifts I didn’t like, I asked if I had hurt the person saying this and when that had happened, unsurprisingly there were no examples. But because I asked for examples apparently meant I was being defensive, I said it was because I want to learn so I can become better. They said that they are hesitant to bring up things because I react so negatively to what is being said. I actually now can take this as a compliment as it shows that my self esteem is high enough now that the put downs don’t work, I dare to challenge and am not so susceptible to it. This is only mild stuff mind you, so it’s possible to calmly rebut it. When the attacks are more extreme it’s hard to prevent your subconscious and nervous system internalising some of it, even if you can see that it’s untrue and illogical. Christmas morning I came down to discover presents had been opened without me there (usually the rule is that we all open them together, but not this year for some reason!). I was not late or anything, it was just that a new rule had been invented overnight, and I had not been told. Even though this move was quite obvious it still brought up a lot of childhood wounds of being excluded and punished, but I took myself away, leaned into them and processed the feelings fully. I did not react outwardly. When I rejoined my family, I was actually apologised to (along with a lot of justification and obfuscation) but what a novelty! An actual apology. I’m certain that had I reacted outwardly and not processed my hurt privately, the whole day would have spiralled and been ruined, with no apology at all. The person I’m dealing with is not extreme in their traits, so it is possible to just about navigate interactions, as they have done some healing themselves. There are other relatives though that I have had to go no contact with, holidays and gift giving being some of the most weaponised and stressful components of the interactions. I feel for anyone else having yet another Christmas robbed of relaxation and fun by the unhealed damage and unkind choices of others. The more we work on ourselves though the stronger we become and the more we can step out of these unhealthy dynamics, into the future we want for ourselves. Healing our own hidden shame and repressed anger is key.
Yep that's exactly what happens. Right on down to the induced I can't know what I've done wrong without you telling me because of all the mixed messages in the past. It's really hard to tell whether the topic is really too painful to bring up again or whether you're getting gas lit like a London noir.
I found out after 37 years that my ex husband was trying to control people’s perception of me! Thank you for this video! It helped me realize that I should have left him years ago!🙏🇺🇸
My wife would do things to ruin the holiday; deliberately. The last Christmas I had with my narcissist was a total nightmare for me. She bought everyone a gift and gave each person multiple gifts. When it came to me receiving a gift from her, she had this huge package with my name on it, walked intentionally pass me with it in front of everyone, opened the garage door and put it in the SUV. You can guess what happened. She caused me to “REACT”. She humiliated me in front of everyone. I end up losing it. 😭 I tried to maintain myself, but could not do so. I ended up looking like the crazy one.😮 I ended up telling everyone to leave that day. This left an impression on everyone present, and I felt humiliated and embarrassed. Why are narcissist so damn cruel? They have an uncanny sense of drawing a person into the madness, no matter how one prepares in advance to resist their negative behavior. I was made to look like the Grinch.😢 Everyone still see’s my wife as the healthy one, and I as the crazy toxic man. It’s going on 5 years now, and I am still the outcast in my family. No one calls me; here it is now…Christmas 2023, and still I am forced to be alone. Sucks!!! How do I reset my feelings about my holidays, and ignore the memories associated with the narcissist and her madness? **********
My last christmas everyone was given a gift except me,i was married 34 years and everyone in my family thought my ex was the bees knees and i was the problem and not my ex husband,he ruined every holiday for me had my nerves shattered so I looked like the bad one,he even told me no one would believe me not even my mother which she didn't,I m divorced 9 years and my youngest son still believes it was me that was the bad one,I'm done trying to convince anyone they are to good at what they do,the son is divorced and is unaware that his great dad still calls and gets calls from his ex of 3 years and calls her even after she had an affair on his son,she is a user so they are well matched,I'm saying nothing the last time I tried to warn him he never spoke to me for 3 years.
@@annbow4064 It’s a marvel how the narcissist gets away with their antics. Stay true to yourself at all times. I to understand how it feels to be branded as the “Crazy One”; my adult children cut me out of their lives entirely. I do not get to even see my grandchildren. Their mother gets to see them all the time. (The hard part for me, was they saw her “rages” and witnessed them many times; yet I got branded the bad guy for saying “No more” one day. All I did was “finally” expect….”Healthy Respect” and to be treated with Dignity and Civility; as well.) ✌🏽
At Christmas my daughter likes to start a rage fest and project all her anger towards everyone onto me. She did it again yesterday. I had to apologize just to make her stop for saying I would discuss an issue if she didn’t get angry because I wanted to avoid any chance of conflict. She screamed and raged because she said I was “abusive” for accusing her of not being fair (she’s not- she talks over me and angrily shuts down any opinion I have if it’s not all rainbows and unicorns while she is allowed to say whatever she wants)and asked why does everyone think she’s abusive? Um because you are.
Wow while watching this it was almost as if she spied on my dad during the holidays because he is exactly like that, especially during birthdays and holidays. It’s horrible. Makes me want to go to the dad store and get an exchange. I wish.
I was so stupid. I went down there with beautiful gifts like an idiot. Not even a thought came to me. He knew I was excited about the gifts. Insanely mean.
My brother is the narcissist in my life. I try my best to keep in touch but to also keep my distance. I especially want distance on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
At age 14 everyone in my class was getting a scooter with help from their parents so I asked my father to help me out with some money and he got me a card with 50 cents very carefully crafted and placed almost like an artwork to shame me for even daring to ask such a thing, mind you he was wealthy and gave thousands to his now ex wife just because, now he spends the holidays alone
They destroy any beautiful moment, holiday, anniversary, a reason to celebrate... they are just monsters! Cruel, viscid, mean creatures and what's the worst, is that other think that it's you making problems, and not the narcissist! And what pisses me off is that they always get away with it!!! People believe them and not us!
*vicious creatures. Yes, yes, yes.
My ex girlfriend is bipolar. I am not making light of her illness or anything like that I understand but out of the blue, she will make cutting somewhat spiteful remarks and smirk about it. I feel bad for saying it but some people with bipolar tend to be narcissistic.
💯💯💯
@@tommyparkerparker, usually the bipolar can co-exists with 1 or more personality disorders… so her narcissism is not surprising. Sorry you’re dealing with that.
Because they're good liars and manipulators. My family that hates me destroyed my piece even this year even though I'm not on the same continent.
They don't call all year but they call on Christmas for long talks and are so subtle that you barely notice the manipulation they introduce. It's pure evil but the evil they do, it always comes back. I've seen it with my own eyes and it's scary.
I don't see any family members anymore. I don't expect anything from them. God has removed them from my life and i am so greatful.
They always have to bring you down always on every special occasion
They spoil every special,occasion that’s important to you. Xmas birthdays anniversaries. I hated Xmas because of the narcissist, he made sure my Xmas day was ruined. I didn’t know the word narcissist, I do now.
I cut off contact with my entire family. I'm the scapegoat by definition. Either I'm the toxic one, or they are. In any case we do much better apart. My mother is high on the narcissistic scale. She's the ring leader. My siblings know that if they talk bad about me to her, she'll enjoy that. I've been held back so long I have high hopes for 2024 after finally letting go
It’s called feeding their ego.
Letting go = freedom
Tip: let NO ONE guilt you for it!
@@Paulysacs I feel you, I get told Im the selfish one for wanting to have my children more than a few days per year. And she will never say it is because she doesn’t want them to see me, its because they don’t want to see me. But when I ask them, they always want to see me, until they talk to her then they get upset talking about it.
You can do it dear one. The only nobel thing you can say about her is that she gave you life. Related by blood but not by love.
Stay strong!!!! I can relate and I been no contact for over 12 years. It’s hard in the beginning and I still have guilt feelings and sometimes think they would be happy to hear from me but know deep inside my dad will start his head games. It would only be a matter of time. The longer you go the better you will get.
When I was 16 I wanted a cd player for christmas. A few days before christmas there was a big box under the tree with my name on it. Then when it was time to open it, it was a giant Elmo stuffed animal. I wasnt the type of person that was into that sort of thing at all. I was so embarassed and humiliated and held back tears. I knew if I showed any emotion besides neutrality my mother would go into a rage about how selfish, spoiled and ungrateful I am. This was many years ago and now that I have kids of my own I would never even think to do something like that to them. If money was an issue, that's one thing, but to make it seem like I got what I asked for only to be a stuffed animal is so inappropriate.
I can completely relate! I was a kid and asked Santa for a Julia Barbie doll. It was a replica of Diahann Carroll and the doll had a cute little nurse outfit. Christmas day, there was a box the perfect size from Santa, and when I opened it, it wasn't even a Barbie, it was some other kind of doll. I was so disappointed, and kept looking for the Julia doll. When I was older and asked my mom why she didn't get me a Julia doll she said it was because she didn't like Diahann Carroll. Of course, it is always about her. So sorry you went through that too.
Another thing they will do is give the very thing you asked for...to one of your other siblings. (long story). When I was a kid my parents didn't have a lot of money. They were going through a stressful time that year so I didn't want to ask for anything. For week's all I dreamed about was having a guitar but my parents had zero interest in my creative abilities. I finally just asked my dad if one day I could get a guitar and I said that I was willing to do chores to put towards the cost. Week's passed by and I saw my dad come home from work carrying a guitar case. He came in the house and handed the guitar to my sister. He told me that if he was going to spend money on a guitar that he'd rather give it to her because she was a straight A student. I remember I just got up out of my chair and headed straight up to my room. I can't begin to share not describe how that felt. Messed me up for year's. My parents knew that I sang at school and at home. They knew that I wrote song's. They definitely knew that I wanted to be a musician. Obviously both of my parents chose to give the guitar to my sister. Truly sick.
@@lalani888ARTblueoh gosh I am so sorry I really felt your pain reading your comment. I hope you have since got a guitar and had the opportunity to follow your passion 🙏🏻😻
@@lalani888ARTblue so sorry. Did you ever get your guitar?
The ex give me a electrical shaver and l have a beard😂😂😂
My spouse narc made a big deal out of going to grocery store 15 minutes before it closed on Christmas Eve to buy me a bag of chocolates - even chastised the store staff for rushing him out of store when he wasn’t done at 6 pm - on Christmas Eve! Made huge presentation of chocolates to me on Christmas morning in the wrapping of a brown grocery store bag.
You are so right, jealousy, triangulation, devaluation, gaslighting and making it so anyone but them is the problem.
This video is spot on! Divorced 14 years ago and ex narcissist still tries to ruin my relationship with our sons and our holidays. I finally blocked him on my phone right before Christmas this year. I just can't take the emotional abuse anymore. Our boys are 19 and 16, they can handle their own relationships!!
I decided to not give gifts to the narcs this year. It sends a quiet message and made me feel better.
My Mom was a Narcissist. She lived to 90, and never relented. I was 70 when she died, and am still trying to pick up the pieces. Dreading Christmas and the entire Holiday Season. Too old and sick now to correct the messed up neural wiring. Trying. Sure wish you lived next door. Still, Thank you for the great information.
I am sorry you had to live so long this. You saying you were too old and sick to change things just pained my heart. I'm sorry your life was stolen from you💜
Check out hypnosis therapy. My therapist helped me release things really quickly and painlessly and reach a level of healing I didn’t get from other means. It was truly magical actually. If it doesn’t work with one therapist don’t give up either. Also you can learn to do self hypnosis to save money and time. Best wishes friend. ❤ please don’t give up on yourself. Everyday is a blessing and you have been given freedom from your narcissist and can be free finally. You can do it, I know you can. Everyday will get better for you. ❤
I feel you, my mother is 94 yrs old and still venomous! She isn't satisfied until I'm in tears and physically shaking while she verbally attacks me. How dare I work, get married, have children, have friends, have a house or animals. All these things take time away from them. She will never die until she can dance on my grave!
It's sad they live so long an are aloud to mess people lives up for so long I feel bad for you may God bless you
You ARE never to old to heal. EVER! In fact, perhaps you owe it to yourself. ❤❤❤❤
This is a little thing, but I think it will make me feel better to write it. In junior year of high school, I got a really high score on the psat. I had the fifth highest score in my class and missed being a merit scholarship finalist by just 2 points ... argh. Anyway, I had studied hard on my own using a workbook and was really excited about doing well. When I told my mom after school that day, she was completely dismissive and as unimpressed as was possible to be. Yes, it was not that big a deal BUT I have to believe that a normal loving parent would be happy to see that their child was happy and had worked hard to achieve something. My mom went out of her way to let me know that I should not feel happy or proud. I have a million examples of similar events in my childhood. Subtle put downs, passive aggression, dismissiveness, withheld warmth and affection. I really didn't even comprehend the harm done until my fifties. Thanks for listening.
I understand because I experienced the same. It's not a little thing because it's a big hurt that results. I'm glad you wrote about it & I hope that the hurt lessens in time. When I was in high school I always scored highly & wanted to continue learning & become a professional. I won a scholarship but my mother wouldn't allow me to accept it. My two sisters did not want to continue their schooling but my mother pushed them into it. One older, one younger than me. They both dropped out because they'd never wanted to. At the age of 44 I went to university & became a school teacher; my life's dream.
@@lilleeball1148 I'm so pleased you did eventually do what you always dreamed. Doesn't it always make you wonder what you might have accomplished with the parental love and support you deserved all along? I know, I know. That is a wasted time rabbit hole. We just had to grow up, survive, and now love and parent ourselves. Thank you for your comment.
This was spot on. Christmas has become an exhausting and difficult time because it lost all meaning for me a long time ago. We usually all get together at my at my parents house. There's an unspoken rule that everyone should be there but in recent years all the unresolved family drama has put a lot of people off. My Dad, who is the controlling covert narcissist always creates friction and chaos just to get people frustrated yet wants everyone to put on a game face and pretend otherwise. The idea that we are all adults and don't have to be together if we don't want to is a total foreign concept to my Dad. He will even lie and manipulate my siblings to get what He wants. I see through a lot of His tack ticks and need for control and often resist them. But Ive been labelled difficult and rebellious for not towing the line. Last year I vowed to myself that it would be the last Christmas I will spend with my family till further notice. When I was a teen, my sisters and I used to make cupcakes for children in our nearby hospital for Christmas. We'd spend the Christmas morning distributing the cupcakes to staff and the kids. We had to stop because my Mom didn't like the positive attention it created. I want to go back to doing things like that because it truelly filled my heart and made Christmas meaningful and special.
Ex-covert narc husband used to HAVE to have a nap in one of his families bedrooms when we were all together for holidays, etc, because it was all too much for him. EVERYTHING was about him and his feelings, wants, and needs. Every one of my birthday's inevitably became about him as he'd magically become unwell the day of so any plans were either altered or all about him being so amazing for allowing plans to go ahead. Such an effing martyr.
Put this expectation of his actions on a note and seal it in an envelope with extra sealing stickers, mail it with a postmark to yourself. Then when your birthday is there, tell one of your unbelieving friends or family what you expect him to do to get attention. (Don't let them have the chance to be alone with him and tell him your prediction.) After he's done his predicted selfish tricks, produce the envelope and note to the friend/family. It could be good for them to see the prediction come true, OR they could think you're a nut. I'd do it either way.
@@betsybarnicle8016 that's a brilliant idea. However, I dovorced his ass. 😘🤣
@@betsybarnicle8016 this is an excellent resource to use for people in a abusive relationship. I divorced him.
11:10 I can relate to that - I can write a book about all my Christmases that I had to spend with narcissistic relatives
The activation of your nervous system prior to a special occasion and then them appearing like the kind, reasonable person is spot on. It's all manipulation and control with them. Just be grateful that you don't think and act like them and are a better person. They will make your life as miserable as they feel on the inside.
This Christmas Im not visiting any family dinner party anymore. Let them all enjoy the company of their own
I think this is year 4 of not attending large holiday gatherings. I visit my pleasant siblings on other dates. So much happier now.
@@betsybarnicle8016 guess what? I wasnt invited this year🥴
This is so spot on.
My sister once sent me a birthday card. Looked like a truck ran over it and bought at a yard sale. The picture on the front was a stack of cookies. (My whole life, eat well exercise, fit trim....) The inside said, when I saw this card I thought of you. ??????
I would drink to get drunk every time we got to my inlaws. I rarely drink otherwise! I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore.
I will be watching this video before every single family get together. And doing some inner work. Just wish I’d seen it before this Christmas. This has been such an eye opening video. I’m so grateful to have stumbled upon it. Thank you! It’s literally my family get togethers explained in 20 minutes. I’m literally in tears. 60 years I’ve felt such a burden to everyone. Like what’s wrong with me. Shame and disgust with myself. Loathing every special event, feeling sick to stomach. Not being able to sleep properly for months afterwards. My God, It’s not me!!!!!
Here is what Christmas looks like when you canned your family 25 years ago.
Minimal shopping, a few favourite menu items from your wife’s newly renovated kitchen, curling up with your hunting dog and binge watching Mad Men and Scorcese movies.. taking lots of naps. Just basically taking it as easy as it gets.
Oh look… fresh homemade spring rolls are ready… crunch crunch. Mmm more sweet chili sauce please…
Dude it’s great. I’m NC and only have to worry about a couple gifts and we eat whatever we want. I’m spending this Christmas with my new husbands family and they’re nice but it’s a lot. I have a couple things I make for Christmas and the whole family has a say so. They were doing prime rib but I was also making a ham and my stuffing I only make once a year and his mom kept going “oh that’s just gonna be way to much food” like idc this is what we like to eat and I make split pea every year with the bone like I just wanted my quiet Christmas!
@@spiritualempress6691 people just build Christmas up so much they're bound to be dissapointed. All my friends and family have EVERYTHING they could ever need. Gift buying is just redundant at this point. What counts is just relaxing and having lots of laughs. It's the one time of year when we will have breakfast in bed and just stay there. We can feel the stress others feel about having to go for family dinners and dealing with difficult family members, just by the way they look and the way they shop and drive. A friend of mine is a shrink and it's not speculation, it's clear that this is a very stressful time of year for many people, and it's dark and cold here in Canada, already a bit depressing. Stats also show a spike in divorce filings in January after the "Family Blowup" over the Holidays. Have a nice long weekend, may you spend a lot of it in pajamas and curled up watching a great movie, even if it isn't a Gangster film..lol
@@spiritualempress6691 His mother was right. Why would you insist on making a whole other main meat when the family plan was prime rib? One does have to compromise with normal people. Watch out for your own narc fleas.
"The drama they create -- they like that drama" -- so true. So very sad and true. My little family (wife and daughter) were so happy and had so much fun, but there are narcissists, and a main malignant narcissist that I broke contact with years agi, but I didn't break contact with my brother. I had to Christmas eve when he was telling me "you're so negative. Bury the hatchet. Let bygones be bygones, and call dad". He's supposedly intelligent, but plays dumb when his narrative doesn't go his way. This is the narc's son, who is my half-brother and becoming a full blown narc. He knows he was the golden child, and I was the goat. So he tried to bring me back into the fold, over the phone because he's a coward. He started yelling at me while my daughter and wife listened, and his family probably listened, so I started screaming at him, swearing at him and told him we will never be in contact again. He said I miss you and I said "have a good life". This is a guy that, when I wasn't there, was the goat. He was abused by dad (a loving physician to the world) on a daily basis until he had a psychotic break and spent 11 days in a psych ward. I was kind and gentle to him, as I try to be to everyone, so he lived with my wife, baby daughter and I while he healed. My wife didn't like it because was afraid he'd kill us in our sleep or something. He actually thought dad was the devil and could read minds. I said he wasn't he just did bad things, was smart enough, and had a genetic disposition to know where we are in life, but I didn't understand why he behaved as he did. I didn't understand narcissism until the rise of Trump. He was just like my dad, calling himself a genius, lying with truths and half-truths, saying absurd things, insulting others in joke-form, turning everyone against each other for his own benefit and making unwise, and uneducated people like them. Appealing to the lowest common denominator with no shame. I was fortunate to have been abandoned by the narc-dad when I was a baby, and misfortunate that my mom found him when I was 14 and a half. He only visited me once, blamed everyone but him, and told me how rich and genius he was, and how many women he slept with. I was a wide eyed dumb 14 year old boy that had never met an adult like dad. He was so clever and lectured me for mowing lawns and throwing papers. Telling me it was beneath me. Then, in exchange for my mom not telling Welfare about him he said he'd send child support. He did not. He would tell me absurd reasons why. He didn't introduce me to my grandparents until I was 19. He said they would feel shame for me. When they liked me and told me I was the most attractive in the family (I'm not but it gave me warm fuzzies), he acquiesced and admitted he was embarrassed for himself, not me. So there were rare moments like that but everything he discussed was so awful, I wanted nothing to do with him, but I wanted a dad so badly. I did get close to my half brothers, especially the one who broke down and I felt bad for. It broke my heart to see him start to become our narc dad. Same put downs, same cruel jokes. This was after he healed and got a wife, felt empowered then got a degree in my field that his narc tendencies really started to shine. His psychiatrist even told him he was a narc. My wife and daughter saw what happened. When we had the fallout this Christmas Eve My daughter cried because she's intelligent and knew I was provoked. She knows it was totally unlike me. I had to block all the family on my dad's side. Even my brother, I dearly love, because he was putting me down the way dad does and had that final drama at me. Sorry I wrote so much, and so poorly. I just notice so many of us have gone through the same things and have, practically, the same experiences. This was cathartic because I really have no one to talk to about it. Thank you all.
You are not alone
It’s sad that family has to be that way. The one that supposed to love you stab you in the back.
You are on point.
They want to control the emotions of the people around them, and by any means necessary.
If you have exposure to a narcissist, at this time of year especially, it is about survival, sadly.
Wallahi she is speaking the truth They will give what you want to somebody else. You should stay away from Narcissists at all cost.
@@fatumamunyakazi841 Amen
Yup. This is the worst time of the year to me.
I finally went no contact four months ago. This time of year will always be about anxiety.
@@lonilonelony8419 I'm sorry, and I get it. For me this time of year brings memories of crippling depression and confusion why I felt so sad and lonely. It's better now thanks to getting informed, trauma therapy, and very low contact. ☮️
@@fatumamunyakazi841That is extremely true. I experienced that as a child. I can't begin to put into words how that made me feel. Truly damaging.
Very on point! The ganging up is a real thing. So is mixed messages. The deflation is also devastating. They do cause changes in our nervous system and it takes a long time to understand this and we keep going back and trying to fix things. We need to assert ourselves and have boundaries. Easier said than done! Great discussion, thanks! :-)
❤ DEEP - methode ( dont Defend, Engange, Explain, Personalize)
Thanks! First I heard of this! So helpful… gonna write it down to help remember it.
You want to be nice and fair to these people. I don’t mind but I realize over time I’m not even going to try to reason anymore.
I am still in the relationship and have only learned or heard the word Narcissist about two years ago. I cant get enough of your videos. You are the first person that i can understand. As i sit here and cry not for fweling sorry for myself but feel joy that i have found you. Im so unhappy and my family doesnt understand why i just cant get rid of him. Ive tried he doesnt want to leave because he has me so conditioned to his maddness, chaos, drama whatever its called, that he keeps saying eberything is fine yet i know he has several other gals on the side he thinks he is hidding stuff from me when its only obvious whats going on. I wish he would discard me already and be done i dont knkw how much more i can handle. Please words of encouragement anything i can use to get through my days. Im a mess also such a big mess i cant remember stuff im always not making sense of stuff im miserable honestly. Thanks Michele Lee
You can get out. I believe in you. You survived without him before and you can do it again. Just make it your priority and you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you leave. Also if he is abusive it will get worse. Better to get out now than wait for things to escalate. Maybe it would help to see a therapist and they can help you leave. Good luck to you. You deserve to be happy.
2 days before Christmas I snapped at my husband (because i was overwhelmed with holiday preparation) and he said to me "Ya know... I WAS gonna buy you a present...." Same shit every year.
as bob Dylan said, "you say you love me and are thinking of me but, you know, sometimes, you lie".
I've hated holidays for years. I was always nervous around the holidays. My wife never was hurtful in her gift giving. Actually, she always gave me the best things. I think she did this because if I didn't give her the best, she would throw it in my face.
Ask her for a list?
In serious therapy for trauma. It’s difficult, but I’m growing huge boundaries. Never again.
When I was a child I learned to ask my father instead of my mother what I wanted for Christmas. My mother would buy my sister the gift I asked for in addition to the gift that my sister asked for. As a young adult my mother would tell me what she was planning on giving me after doing spring cleaning and when I would go to pick it up tell me that she gave it to my sister. My response would be, “ That’s OK, I have the money to buy it if I want.” Though terribly hurt and yes, sometimes angry, I never became bitter because I know that God always restores justice in His time. My mom is now an 86 year old crippled, bitter old woman that despises the fact that, though a senior myself, I am healthy and able to snow ski and ice skate, hobbies I picked up as an adult. She wants me to put my life on hold, turn my back on my husband and all my hobbies in order to take care of her because my sister is also in bad health and can’t help her, my father has passed away. Right now my nephew and his wife live with her, hoping to get her house when she passes away, and I hope they do because she has trained me to expect nothing from her and my husband and I are in a good place in life; we want nothing from her. Funny thing is my mother wants and expects me to come and take care of her because she doesn’t like my nephews house cleaning habits, lol!😂 I told her that I have my own responsibilities and she should hire a maid.
Your video is one of the best I’ve viewed on this subject. You used different terminology so I need to watch this over because you hit several nails in my head.
Thank you.
I won't allow myself to get close to people like that.
All y'all therapists and coaches on here are killing it this season. Thank you for all you do!
Yeah these people don't seem to be happy unless they're causing you some kind of distress or trauma just like energy vampires
You've finally answered the question I always have when viewing videos describing strategies for dealing with these vampires: WHY NOT JUST LEAVE OR REMOVE THIS PERSON FROM YOUR LIFE? And it has to do with wounds- especially shame. So I suppose I've grown because I once suffered these sickos. Now I just walk away. Merry Christmas and thank you!
Thanks for this. I was hovered at Xmas last year. Called her out and she’s been mute since, and I’m improving. Cheers lady, thank yous
Yes, bravo, but beware of the retribution. They can wait even years to make you look like the bad guy. Just be mentally prepared.
Swear narcissist is another translation for demon 😂
They want to be in the center of fights. They will orchestrate them. They feel powerful and in control. 0:43
That point at the end about how they "try to push you beyond the bounds of who you are" really resonates with me. I've noticed a few toxic individuals use a very disgusting technique in which they will confront, attack or question you on some aspect of your being that they know will trigger a particular wound. They know because they've tried it many times before, and maybe the first few times you handled it well or at least ok, but they could detect that they hit a nerve and would repeat the same action whenever they got bored. For instance they might ask why you don't want to get a better paid job and prefer to live in poverty. What they're actually doing is making an assumption about you and judging your character and generally insulting you, but they do it in a way that they can easily deny abuse and even argue that they are somehow trying to help or support you. Whatever the bullshit reason is for repeatedly poking you, they straight away achieve (in part) their main objective which is to try and assert their dominance or superiority. Their second objective is to set you up to fall, and they attempt this by choosing the right triggers and the right words that will provoke you to respond in a defensive way. Because they have rehearsed and delivered the same blows time and time again they don't have to think about what to say, they're just reading from the script. But they are banking on your inner need to over explain yourself and will turn up the speed at which they will hit you with a range of questions and comments as well as accusations and their own bogus conclusions just to increase your anxiety. Then they interrupt you and cut short the time required for you to make any dignified response by suddenly changing the subject by asking or commenting something completely different but equally triggering so as to keep you on your toes and in a panicked state. It's so fucked up and as I get older I'm finding myself more and more tempted to kick them hard in the balls and floor them. Trying to not take the bait is bloody hard though because you react almost instinctively. The narcissist isn't improvising, everything with them is premeditated and they know exactly what they are doing! It's worth devising and painfully rehearsing a few protocol responses that you select every time you get triggered this way and train yourself to treat it in the same way as a workplace fire drill so that you don't even have to think about what to say in the heat of the moment.
I’m sorry it’s been this way!
It’s a frustrating time…to realize what’s happening while feeling overwhelmed with the seemingly lack of rationality to discuss solutions to the rhetoric.
It seems like after a plausible solution, or even a clear explanation it’s returned back to the same disillusion or compounded to turn that latest discovery into a new situation for arguing a seemingly better status positions.
@@denniskramer5238 There is no solution to be had with these people, it's not what they want. They are just playing with you and enjoying triggering you. The trick is to recognise when they're doing it and refuse to play their game.
It could be worse…you could be the abuser…and have to answer for that later…I hope you got far away from them…some of them like to track and torture others…they make you feel like you need meds when they are sicker than you mentally. Period.
@@naimahcanty9836 Very true. Although they don't often end up having to answer for themselves. They are the Harry Houdini of side-stepping responsibility. My concern if I were them would be how I live with myself. The only way they manage it is by seeking constant distraction and every connection they have is shallow and unfulfilling and part of an ongoing cycle of gaining and losing friends. The worst part of all is going through life and having nobody who accepts you or even knows who you truly are. Hell on earth!
This sounds like a situation that calls for separation. They will never quit , so endure the challenge , or don’t waste your precious life and time and remove yourself from such a toxic environment. I did about 6 months ago and it’s been “ peaceful “.
This makes so much sense. My mom would never give me anything I asked for on Christmas. The one time she most likely accidentally got me something I liked, a Barbie hair salon, she decided a piece of it was missing and that I had to stop playing with it immediately and she would exchange it for something better. Well she took it and I never got anything in exchange or another barbie gift for the rest of my life. As an adult my golden child sibling is an alcoholic and loves to spiral out of control during any holiday I host or special occasion in my life. My mother will subsequently not come over to my place or wherever to celebrate because said golden child won't be there "and there's no way she could enjoy herself without that person being there". I need to win the lottery so I can move far far away from them 😂😩
My new daughter-in-law is a narcissist. They live across the country and she convinced my son that they could visit us this Christmas - if her mother joined us as well. Her mother highjacks every conversation and is exhausting. My youngest son refused to come and visit us due to this arrangement, so we missed him this year. I work a full time very demanding job and this is my busiest time of year but I cleaned, decorated and planned 15 meals. Sure enough, she and her mother sat and visited with everyone while I worked the entire time, leaving little time to visit with my son. When I asked if she could help, she pouted. Since my son has been with her, he’s developed mental health issues and is very down on himself. I’m so concerned and sad for his health and well being, but she controls his every move. What can we do? I feel so helpless in this situation.
You’ll have to try to stay close to your son. It’s all you can really do for now. Try to see him one on one occasionally without her around. Maybe he’ll eventually open up and you can educate him about narcs. But be careful because she will try to get revenge if she thinks you’re influencing him. You’ll also have to make a plan for future Xmases because she and her mother will happily hijack it for the rest of your life. It’s a very difficult situation. I didn’t go home for Xmas for 20 years because my narc brother and his narc wife ruined every holiday for me. I dearly missed seeing my parents and they me on Xmas but they unfortunately felt obligated to cater to the narcs. I wish they’d come up with a plan for at least some Xmases because it would’ve given us all a break.
You described my mother but it was not just holidays, it was year round. I ended up moving to the other side of the world to get away from her at 35. She was trying to poison my children against me. She succeeded in poisoning my sister against me. I was a single parent. When she got Alzheimer’s I was talking to her on the phone and she said “I love you” I didn’t know what to say. I broke down and told my then husband that all I wanted was a mother daughter relationship, and he said, you do just look at you and the girls it great, then told him yeah but I wanted to be the daughter.
That’s sad hun. You can still be a great mother to those babies and to yourself. I have had to learn to mother myself as well because I didn’t have any self love after the trauma and abuse for so many years. ❤
I had an ex who would do everything they could to make me SO angry at him -- start fights, etc then tell other people that there was something wrong with me because he would say and do little things in front of other people that would make me snap at him, then tell those other people that I was a mental case. He had people believing it for years.
After I got away from him, amazing how I became a nice and stable person again, then they apologized finally because they realized he was causing me to act that way on purpose so I wouldn't have any friends. SO glad I wised up finally and left ~~~~~
Exactly ! they are constantly trying to get you to look bad
It makes me tearful and sad that I faced all these during 2 decade of being married with n and I did not know !😢
I know. I spent 14 years in one and I didn’t have a damn clue. Then when a women abuse service came to help me after I fled with my kids I realized how programmed I had become and desensitized to the abuse. I walked on eggshells for years and didn’t even know what gaslighting was until I read the definition. I was clueless but now I’m not.
I spent 30 years married and I still feel like a fool!🙏❤️
I wonder if changing our nervous system can lead to chronic illness. I got cancer after so much abuse & mistreatment.
Not surprised. Narcissist’s are toxic to mind and body. Protect yourself.
Yes I believe this. I am on the autism spectrum partly due to my mother's lack of nurturing. Autistic people have more physical ailments and are uncoordinated too. There is a correlation between stress and disease.
@@michelleglidingswan4334, 😭😭😭
This is the most insightful, concise, and thoroughly explained treatment on this topic I've ever seen! Everything you mentioned happened again this year. the main players in my life came up with a scenario so new, I couldn't see it coming. My daughter in law gave me a scratch off and a cheap bag of candy, My husband did nothing, and brought my clueless using stepson home for 5 days with 1 day notice! For 2 days he said all the right things to hook me,(the son) then went back to full out passive aggressive abuse.Meanwhile, I gave them all insightful, memorable gifts that I worked on for months, just like last year!
I feel this. I hope you nourish yourself since no one else is.
You may want to reconsider why you stay with your husband.
This describes my Christmases with my mother. She never gave me what I wanted and I had to pretend to like everything or else I was being selfish. Even weeks before her death she bad mouthed me to the nurses! I couldn't believe it. It really is a disease that the sufferer doesn't even know about or have the slightest inkling.
Oh boy, I hear you there. Mine died of colon cancer, and I flew thousands of miles and stayed at her house for the last 3 months in order to care for her. Colon cancer involved part of her colon being removed so she was unable to poop. Projectile vomiting actual poop, was part of just about every day, stripping bedding, washing walls and furniture, changing her clothes. I found out when she died that she had told the other narcs I was squatting in her house and taking money. Those family members, none of whom had visited during those 3 months showed up within hours to do an inventory and gave me 24 hours to get out. Nobody thanked me for stepping up, so they wouldn't have to. The experience gutted me. Of course I never took any of her money, or anyone elses. And looking after her was exhausting, she was a very demanding, ungrateful patient. I haven't spoken to a single one of them since.
I guess in a way I owe them thanks for laying everything out so clearly that going no contact was easy and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Sometimes, being an orphan rocks!
Thank you so much Michelle for all your time and knowledge you provide for us! This explains my ex sister in law to a T! Thank goodness she is no longer in my life especially around the holidays! She made me feel so small, insignificant and unimportant. And the gift thing she did to my husband and I! My FIL, MIL, BIL, and my husbands sister all got thought out custom t shirts for Christmas that spoke to their personality. The whole time she was gloating about how thoughtful she was. She purposely gave Jeff and my gift after they all opened theirs. I got a generic winter hat and my husband got LED lights. No thought whatsoever and I knew why. I was mad and hurt. But it justified why I really didn’t like her and dreaded being around her during family time.
I can relate to you story
With me it was a TV when I was a kid instead she gave it to my brother for Xmas and I had to share a room with him !
A constant reminder
Until 2 years ago I broke away from her !!
Best thing I’ve done for my self
I could care less about retail Christmas...after year's of going through that mind bleeping stuff. For me Christmas is about just having a peaceful day with no drama. Hopefully a home cooked meal and just thanking God for helping me to leave that jerk. Amen!! 💚💌
I can relate to this too. One Christmas my brother and sil gave everyone thoughtful gifts. When it was my turn, they gave me a huge box..what could it be..? At the bottom was a candle and 2 bottles of beer.!!! I was shocked. What the heck?? I tried my best and thanked them, but ..inside, I felt hollow. And, it felt like I got punched in my gut.. Of course I knew what they were up to.
@@sduskybutterflyk3720Oh no! Such idiots. I bet they had great fun picking out those two beers. You handled it well. My narc brother and SIL are the same. I finally stopped going to family Xmas because of them. I really missed seeing my lovely parents at Xmas but being alone was better than dealing with the narc antics.
I can't imagine the Karma that these narcissists will have to face when there dead ~ There life review is going to be a nightmare.
Literally 😮😢
Yes, there will be hell to pay! Literally…
Ive watched hundreds of these videos and this one is by far the most eye opening. For me, it's like this all year round. The whole "focusing on them" point is spot on. It's almost impossible to function doing everyday things that should come so easy. It's insanity at the highest level.
*Best Channel on Narcissism* ~ Damn You-tube doesn't give it the boost it deserves. I guess everybody on this platform has to have a Doctorate in order for Screw-Tube to care. Michele deserves MILLIONS of views.
Brother, may I recommend you to Prof. Sam Vaknin. He’s the best. Go watch his videos, so spot on
Christmas...so confusing..never really got it. I am so on point in life, this narcissist stuff..took a longgggg time..behind closed doors, different story..outside people would think I was Crazy
If I told the truth about my
Life..I would not be believed.
Life is different... so good, so blessed.❤
Thank you so much Michele! What an amazing, beautiful Being you are, thank you again ❤
This is Boundary Boot Camp Season! For Real! 😊
So True, my child and the family of her husband, treated me as I was not there and make my only 2 granddaughters against me. Thank you for explaining so clearly the purpose of these very toxic and unhappy people no matter the money, Status intellectual capability they have……
Wow...
That before photo face..
That's me, right now.. your definitely helping me work towards that after photo..
I want those natural good feelings to be alive. Enjoy the good things. To trust again.
They suck out all the joy in any enjoyment of Christmas. My ex husband makes sure he keeps two of my children from spending any time with me at Christmas. My oldest son has been “disowned” by him because he won’t be controlled.
This is such an important video omfg thank you thank you❤ 35 years married to covert NPD literally found out what was happening 5 years ago spent 30 years thinking wtaf? Lol sob
Thankyou doe this information Michele. We must also be aware of the holiday hoover from estranged narcissists aswell
Brilliant explanation.
This video was much needed! Thank you 🙏!
Wow! Thanks for the video, yes shame is my wound and he triggered it so much
I gave my two young nephews, son and daughter, personal safes, for Christmas one year. They were either going to college or living with roommates and I thought they could use a secure space for money and personal items. My male nephews and son sounded thankful. My daughter cried. When my wife shopped fir a very expensive winter coat for her one year and she returned it immediately.
Married to an evil and disturbed woman for 24 years. Now I hate holidays, parties, birthdays, and any special occasion.
Thank you so much! Very well stated… great summary of my experiences with my nuclear family … this will be the 4th holiday season since I cut them out of my life… holidays are so peaceful now…..
When did it stop being painful?
You hit it right on the nail.
Omg, you must know my mommy dearest! This was my life until I chose to remove myself from my family.
2021 holidays were hell from all this and more .... my family was torn apart 💔 and I was set up as the problem while replayed the victim . It has been a living nightmare since then and has created an isolation for me... but I use the pain to growth and evolve ... Devastating!!!
During the holiday festivities the narcissist wants to be the center of attentions. After all he or she thinks they rule the world and the rest of us just exist here.
I’m thrilled to have walked away from all the toxicity. This is going to be my first Christmas narcissist free. It’s already the best Christmas I ever had.😊🦋✝️🙏❤️🕊️🦅💪
I'm very happy for you 💌
@@lalani888ARTblue Thank you. I hope you have a great holiday!
You really know exactly what they are about and I only wish I had watched this before I talked with the toxic person in my life. It would have prepared me. Instead I ended up falling for the same old traps and I felt bad for several hours. You explained this very well. Thank you. I am going to check out more of your videos for sure as you really seem to understand this problem.
11:22 Yes, this is what has happened to me for 17 years. When I confronted my narcissist about it, the response I got was “did you record us?”. Nope, I don’t need to. I can tell by the way you are acting. Doesn’t take a genius to know people are talking poorly about me, for no good reason. Complete 180 degrees from my family and how I was raised. We built each other up. I took that for granted. Now my life is a living hell.
My narcissistic in-laws abuse me every Christmas Day and my husband pretends not to notice anything. Every milestone in our marriage I was miserable - our wedding, our first home, our first child, they made sure all my happy moments were ruined. I used to love Christmas, New Year, birthdays, but now I have disconnected from all of these. They come on my birthday and subtly throw insults of any shape or form to make me feel small. I have not spent Christmas with them since Covid but even now I find it hard to celebrate. Just last night 31st December my husband just ruined it all again for me and drove me crazy. And here he is acting like a victim as always. I was in rage right on New Year’s Eve. So my 2023 ended feeling deflated and started my 2024 in a bad mood. I just don’t know how to continue anymore 😢
So what are you going to do about this?
I totally understand what you mean.... I go thru this with my in laws and husband too...
Leave him - you will soon feel much better
Holidays with a narcissist spouse … yikes! Thank you for your advice.
If it ever got that bad - don’t go ! Why do you even go ? I know I don’t & have absolutely no regrets ! Period ! It’s called don’t engage !
“Its called dont engage!”
Ever heard of the term condescending jerk ?
I shared a house with an emotional vampire for 8 months. I'm still working this out after a year and a half. Most peope, including friends, don't want to know about this. We are expected to simply bounce back. Self improvement takes time and energy.
So true. No one wants to hear about it yet you need to vent and have a safe space to share your experience.
Thank you saying this. If 8 months in that can cause such a lasting effect than 3 years of still healing after 14 years of being in an narcissistic abusive relationship I can’t feel so bad about not feeling 100% yet.
Not sure what my options are as a retired person on a small fixed income. I find that my hobbies are helpful. I've done a lot of research on this experience online. Your information is helpful.
@@GingeReneeyou’re a warrior just the fact that you got out are so long and are still out. I’m 31 days NC and wanna go back already, can’t fathom why I just wanna drive over to love the person with narc traits
My mother ignores me the whole year, but on holidays she sends me a short, flat text message 🤡😂😂😂
Oh my….. I remember you from when my journey first started. I watched you a lot.
Leave em
It's no wonder I am f****ing CRAZY!!! And I actually like the holiday but I can't enjoy them because I have to deal with a f***ing narcissist!! The sad part is, I can't even feel good about getting that off of my chest because now I feel guilty for saying that because it's my f***ing mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will say, I am getting better at taking care of myself. I have a good time with my daughter a week before the holiday. When it's time to go visit my mood is flat. I can't let her see me happy because I know what's next. This video is so spot on. Maybe I can find a support group because this sh*t is crazy 😪🤕🥵😵💫
This year. I didn’t want any xmas day with the male parent at all but the rare twice a year dinner with niece was important to be at.
He informs me after that he has an MRI for Dec 29 (tomorrow). Says it like it’s a novelty, big pause looked for reaction. I don’t care any more, he’s not been involved in my life other than to be critical and snotty, and I got sick and tired of being conned into re trusting and involved in shallow staged event that ends in bottom piling me again. Just like you said, he’s stuck on forcing me to be focused on “him/his” anything.
Like the last 60 yrs of my life , my status is always “need to know” , this gives him power tripping options. He pulls this crap that way. Showing up out of the blue expecting me to drop what I’m doing and joining for food/event/something paid for, or acting like I must just sit at home doing nothing until he comes by with “a solution”.
I have no idea what his MRI is for, still. The follow up was “they called Christmas eve , I didn’t answer just call screened, probably want me to come in right away”. Yawn. Still don’t care. Nor will I let myself feel like scar like most of my life, for not feeling concern or worry. that time is over.
He killed any relationship between decades ago, added to it after mother died by newly emboldened power tripping with “I was thinking of disinheriting you, we have nothing in common”. Who the F says that about family, while having not spent any effort to change that? Months after the most important balance in the family died? A Narc is who. Someone who shoves an emotional fist in your face for effect, and doesn’t care to make things better when it can be used as a club instead.
After the “shocker” (he was so disappointed it fell flat) announcement he drops a waffle maker in front of me, unwrapped. We haven’t done presents since Mom died, but of course “he makes the rules” so he gets to break them he figures.
It’s really rather pathetic, insulting. He absolutely refuses to change or be better cuz of course “i’m perfect” is his motto... never apologizes for anything , it must be black sheep The Disinherited Son
I’m already researching into how to refuse doing his estate as executor, i have no interest in the hassle as well as the insult from beyond the grave.
That he thinks i will be the obedient submissive and do it is amazing. I don’t want his dirty money and hassle, IF he even has me down for anything, whenever that relief day comes for me. The MRI might even be a lie, who knows.... he’s been a drama queen that way all my life yet never sought Dr info about things (knees, shoulder, the TMJ clunking he suddenly announced proudly at one niece dinner with no dentist follow up since, big loud dramatic chest clutching for decades...if any was real would be dead long ago)
People who DONT have a dysfunctional family, THANK GOD PROFUSELY. You have no idea what hell turmoil defective spinoffs defective relationship skills and tons of other life abusing thing you aren’t suffering from... and don’t have to make workarounds for.
Love the hair❤ great channel of guidance, thank you 🙏 🎉
That's great. A long time ago I realized there was more than just fight and flight and added faint and feint. Glad to see I'm not alone...
They trip every trigger they can. Then you're "the bad guy".
YES
2:28 I discovered the concept of narcissists by accident. Before that I just identified these people as "Aunt Dorthy" (my covert aunt) or "Karen". I recognized they were just unhinged individuals, who were inconsistent, and unable to be pleased. Those individuals never got far with me because I have a GOOD memory & Im logical.
If 20% of our interactions have been heinous, then I know 20% of our future interactions will be heinous. There is NOTHING you can say that will shift my stance. The only way to fix the situation is to start performing better so that static revises itself (it's like boosting your GPA at school). So how do you preform better? I bless you with opportunities that work for ME, on MY schedule, and by MY grace aka if I tell you Im not coming to the holidays any sassback is going to be met with future point deductions. We meet on my schedule, when I want.
Healthy people do not mind this set up. The realize they really botched things & are grateful for the opportunity when I provide it. Narcissists? Yah, no way that will work for them. So they self select out of my life
Just today I was told that I could be very brutal to people who gave me gifts I didn’t like, I asked if I had hurt the person saying this and when that had happened, unsurprisingly there were no examples. But because I asked for examples apparently meant I was being defensive, I said it was because I want to learn so I can become better. They said that they are hesitant to bring up things because I react so negatively to what is being said.
I actually now can take this as a compliment as it shows that my self esteem is high enough now that the put downs don’t work, I dare to challenge and am not so susceptible to it. This is only mild stuff mind you, so it’s possible to calmly rebut it. When the attacks are more extreme it’s hard to prevent your subconscious and nervous system internalising some of it, even if you can see that it’s untrue and illogical.
Christmas morning I came down to discover presents had been opened without me there (usually the rule is that we all open them together, but not this year for some reason!). I was not late or anything, it was just that a new rule had been invented overnight, and I had not been told.
Even though this move was quite obvious it still brought up a lot of childhood wounds of being excluded and punished, but I took myself away, leaned into them and processed the feelings fully. I did not react outwardly. When I rejoined my family, I was actually apologised to (along with a lot of justification and obfuscation) but what a novelty! An actual apology. I’m certain that had I reacted outwardly and not processed my hurt privately, the whole day would have spiralled and been ruined, with no apology at all.
The person I’m dealing with is not extreme in their traits, so it is possible to just about navigate interactions, as they have done some healing themselves.
There are other relatives though that I have had to go no contact with, holidays and gift giving being some of the most weaponised and stressful components of the interactions. I feel for anyone else having yet another Christmas robbed of relaxation and fun by the unhealed damage and unkind choices of others. The more we work on ourselves though the stronger we become and the more we can step out of these unhealthy dynamics, into the future we want for ourselves.
Healing our own hidden shame and repressed anger is key.
Yep that's exactly what happens. Right on down to the induced I can't know what I've done wrong without you telling me because of all the mixed messages in the past. It's really hard to tell whether the topic is really too painful to bring up again or whether you're getting gas lit like a London noir.
I found out after 37 years that my ex husband was trying to control people’s perception of me! Thank you for this video! It helped me realize that I should have left him years ago!🙏🇺🇸
God Bless You! Thank You so much!
My wife would do things to ruin the holiday; deliberately.
The last Christmas I had with my narcissist was a total nightmare for me.
She bought everyone a gift and gave each person multiple gifts.
When it came to me receiving a gift from her, she had this huge package with my name on it, walked intentionally pass me with it in front of everyone, opened the garage door and put it in the SUV.
You can guess what happened. She caused me to “REACT”. She humiliated me in front of everyone. I end up losing it. 😭
I tried to maintain myself, but could not do so. I ended up looking like the crazy one.😮
I ended up telling everyone to leave that day. This left an impression on everyone present, and I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
Why are narcissist so damn cruel? They have an uncanny sense of drawing a person into the madness, no matter how one prepares in advance to resist their negative behavior.
I was made to look like the Grinch.😢
Everyone still see’s my wife as the healthy one, and I as the crazy toxic man. It’s going on 5 years now, and I am still the outcast in my family. No one calls me; here it is now…Christmas 2023, and still I am forced to be alone. Sucks!!!
How do I reset my feelings about my holidays, and ignore the memories associated with the narcissist and her madness?
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My last christmas everyone was given a gift except me,i was married 34 years and everyone in my family thought my ex was the bees knees and i was the problem and not my ex husband,he ruined every holiday for me had my nerves shattered so I looked like the bad one,he even told me no one would believe me not even my mother which she didn't,I m divorced 9 years and my youngest son still believes it was me that was the bad one,I'm done trying to convince anyone they are to good at what they do,the son is divorced and is unaware that his great dad still calls and gets calls from his ex of 3 years and calls her even after she had an affair on his son,she is a user so they are well matched,I'm saying nothing the last time I tried to warn him he never spoke to me for 3 years.
@@annbow4064
It’s a marvel how the narcissist gets away with their antics.
Stay true to yourself at all times.
I to understand how it feels to be branded as the “Crazy One”; my adult children cut me out of their lives entirely. I do not get to even see my grandchildren. Their mother gets to see them all the time.
(The hard part for me, was they saw her “rages” and witnessed them many times; yet I got branded the bad guy for saying “No more” one day. All I did was “finally” expect….”Healthy Respect” and to be treated with Dignity and Civility; as well.)
✌🏽
I suggest IF You want Peace in your mind & heart , pack a suitcase & Tell NOONE & Leave & Start Your Life over
Why are you still with her? LEAVE!
@@monica11119
She’s gone, and I’m not with her any longer.🤕😌😌
There is no victim like the victim of a narcissist they will ruin your day every chance they get and enjoy doing it. Fuel for them. RUN 🏃♂️
At Christmas my daughter likes to start a rage fest and project all her anger towards everyone onto me. She did it again yesterday. I had to apologize just to make her stop for saying I would discuss an issue if she didn’t get angry because I wanted to avoid any chance of conflict. She screamed and raged because she said I was “abusive” for accusing her of not being fair (she’s not- she talks over me and angrily shuts down any opinion I have if it’s not all rainbows and unicorns while she is allowed to say whatever she wants)and asked why does everyone think she’s abusive? Um because you are.
Wow while watching this it was almost as if she spied on my dad during the holidays because he is exactly like that, especially during birthdays and holidays. It’s horrible. Makes me want to go to the dad store and get an exchange. I wish.
I was so stupid. I went down there with beautiful gifts like an idiot. Not even a thought came to me. He knew I was excited about the gifts. Insanely mean.
Your right on with this.
My brother is the narcissist in my life. I try my best to keep in touch but to also keep my distance. I especially want distance on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thank you very much. This helped me a lot today Christmas Eve 2023.
At age 14 everyone in my class was getting a scooter with help from their parents so I asked my father to help me out with some money and he got me a card with 50 cents very carefully crafted and placed almost like an artwork to shame me for even daring to ask such a thing, mind you he was wealthy and gave thousands to his now ex wife just because, now he spends the holidays alone
This is the first year that I was happy for christmas. He took away my stuff animals. That is what I need to buy again for myself.
Thank you
I played this video whie he was packing his lunch and turnt it up 😂😂😂 it was the best