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I agree! Even today I am still not accepted. We are all in our 70’s. They still don’t want to hear about my abusive childhood experiences. I can talk about it because I have forgiven my family, I am also forgiven!
My narc mom started smearing my brother when I was 2 and he was in his crib as a 1 year old. How? She put me in the room with him and asked me where he came from and asked me why he was here. Imagine how crazy that is to tell a 2 year-old. My mom then said she didn't like him and he shouldn't be here. She smeared him all his life. Fast forward to her last days on earth, being bedridden she smeared him so bad behind his back that I pulled out my phone and secretly recorded her.
How did you deal with the holidays? It's been a year sense I've seen my mother I think but I don't remember I lost track of the time nor do I really care.
@@mariahconklin4150 I’m having my second holiday season without my narcissistic family and it’s fantastic! None of their drama or snide comments, none of their imposed guilt, none of their triangulation. I wish I had done it years ago.
I'm really impressed with Jerry. He nailed it. Being creatively sensitive and a caring human being, walking away from a family for good is difficult. I never saw my mother for the last two years of her life, she was mentally abusive to the end.. my narcissistic sibs score 11 out of 11 having turned her and everyone in my extended family against me. My wife has seen it all and knows exactly what's going on. For 10 yrs I was on antidepressants. They're horrible. I'm long off them but psychological abuse dished out by dominant narcissistic sibs never goes away. I'm lucky to have married an intelligent, sagacious, kind, beautiful and feminine woman..everything my sister's aren't, her mother was the same. In some ways I'm free. Now I just need a pill that makes me forget I ever had a family. 😆
I’ve started the process. Recently, I no longer show up to family events. I only communicate through texts. I no longer visit their homes, I stopped visiting in 2021 (that was the very beginning of the process). I have no opinions. I deleted them from social media. I love this peace. ❤
My mother was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. This description is totally how I grew up. I'm 65 and I'm finally healing from my childhood trauma.
I'm 66 and finally had to walk away..just learning why I've lived in confusion, grief and rage..it's something. Only wish I'd figured it out sooner. Best to you!
Hey, one of my favorite sayings is better late than never. Don't regret anything. Celebrate the fact that you woke up and did something about it. That's what really matters. @@Andrea-yq9oi
Interesting I figured some things out at 29 I’m now 39 I thought I was late it’s taken a decade of work I went back and observed and it helped me get conviction. A big struggle for me was feeling guilty or responsible, I no longer feel that way, and no need to convince others. I’m content with no contact it’s not ideal but it’s good to get to a point where no contact is ok for you.
It’s the absolute truth. They can be some of the sickest and most evil people you’ll ever have to learn life’s bitter lessons from. And unfortunately, they are the first ones that we come to know, and they can sometimes damage us the most.💔
In the bible it says that in the end time you worst enemies will be your family members. We are living in the most narcissistic time so likely every one in the family is a narcissist. They scapegoated Jesus. Family members thrive by attacking the scapegoat before casting them out. It truly is the demonic working through these people and using them as hosts.
@@naturgehöft-sieghexe Go check it out. It’s the dark hole every empath must be aware of. Dark empaths end up mimicking the narc in order to survive the abuse. Boundaries gone, drained and in horrific pain, even the brightest of souls can turn dark.. ❤️
I have DENIED ACCESS to me from all the toxic BS. I withdrew from all social media. I only watch UA-cam videos. Changed my phone number, returned to sender any mail reveived, fenced in the front yard, put a gate across my driveway. I am DONE forever. I enjoy my peace and LOVE living alone. No drama, no stress, total indifference. IM not a person that feels lonely. I feel free to relax
It is amazing to me that the narcissist parents focus their hate and cruelty on the good child in the family. (The one who is kind, tenderhearted and patient, hard working and forgiving.) That one becomes the scapegoat. It happened in my family and I have seen it happen in other families when I was growing up. Narcissists hate good people. The scapegoat is almost always a "good" child. ( I think in early childhood every child is "good". ) But, The narcissist targets the child who wants to be a good person and tries hard to earn the parents love and care. The golden child starts out as a good child, but they learn early that they can get away with anything and many take advantage of their flavored position. I'm speaking from my own experience. My older brother was a total bully, to me and other kids too. Because he learned that he was the cherished child, mom and dad looked the other way when he hurt someone. It was hell growing up in my family. If God came and said To my parents , one of your children has to die. You choose which one, no doubt in my mind, my brother would live and I would die.
I agree, I'm the SGoat, eldest of 6,had to be a child-parent to 8 other children as our cousins lived with us for 6 yrs,eldest grandchild as well. "You're the oldest,you're responsible for them", was the most common sentence I heard. I loved school bc I could be a child there. Narcissistic family,both parents very self-absorbed,oneAlcoholic & a codependent.Both are dead now & Golden Children, 2 younger sisters, made executors just to spite me,told by my own Father. I can't wait until family home is sold,these people are cruel control freaks, then it's NO CONTACT for me again. Have been screamed at,lied to,literally locked out of our family home since last parent died last year. Money bring$ out the worst in a Narc...u thought it was bad before the parents die,the power is just transferred over to the next Narc/s in waiting. Appearances are everything to these people & the fake charade will continue, any truth teller is isolated and treated as the outcast. Remember, the higher the horse,the further they will fall... they HATE truth.
My mom is a narc and my father, now deceased, was a co-dependent and alcoholic. My younger brother was the golden child, and I was the scapegoat, which confused me as a child because I was excelling in school and was known as a caring, compassionate person. The better I acted, the worse my treatment. It took years for me to understand that while my accomplishments made my mom look good, she simultaneously hated me for showing her up. I also loved school because I received praise for my work and my grades. I remember saying to my mom when I was 10 years old that I felt like I needed to earn my love from her. I was a truth teller, but no one was listening. Now, at 51, I'm living in a rural area with my chickens and ducks, 8000 km/5000 miles away, and life is so peaceful now. The scapegoat thrives as soon as he/she leaves and lives in an authentic way. ❤
Bingo. It always amazed me as well. My mother spoiled my brother until he was as selfish as my mother was. It obviously surprises her now, how much my brother takes her for granted and never thinks he owes her anything in return, but then she always forgives him because she was just as selfish towards her mother at his age. I wasn't allowed to consider my own needs, even since I was 2 years old. If I ever mentioned that anything she did had hurt my feelings (such as beating me up) then I was EXTREMELY SELFISH and Mom accused me of thinking the world revolved around me. Theresa Knorr, who killed two of her daughters, had been her own mother's spoiled, selfish, favorite daughter (favoritism is often passed down through the generations by the favored child). A neighbor commented, "I never understood why the mother favored Theresa over her sweet sister, because Theresa was such a spoiled and selfish child." Well, it was actually that the mother favored Theresa and turned her into a spoiled and selfish child, who then murdered two of her own children.
Try being the mother of narcissitic kids after you healed yourself for years from your own family, the guy you had kids with that you didn't know was just like your family and now your kids are like this too... try that!!
Oh you can explain it very slowly over the course of several weeks in MANY different ways ;) BUT that's why I had to get saved. Jesus took care of all that and repaired what they did😂
Ya know, it does hurt bit it doesn't ALWAYS have to hurt. I realized nothing unites a group of people like a common enemy. So they made me theirs. Even tho they won't tell you how good I was to any of them. Nor will anyone tell ME what's being said. So it is what it is. I have decided they are simply 10 people I used to know. I am now free of the vicious cycle , not understanding the sideways glances and standoffish behaviors. No.longer having to endure the unwarranted gut kicks out of the blue. The gossip, two faced disingenuous toxic environment. I feel relaxed, at peace, my new circle enjoys my company and I enjoy theirs. It's refreshing. I have rediscovered things I used to enjoy. It feels as if the world was lifted from my shoulders 😍🥰 I enjoy being alone. Never feel lonely, never cared what people thought Certainly don't care now. GOD will judge me not humans why would I care ? ❤️
@@vickigonya9432 I had to view it as "I am looking at a damned human being, who is going to hell by choice, and is Satan's happy servant". When I was younger I was naive and thought everyone could be saved if you just talked to them enough. Not true unfortunately. Blessings.
Yes, sadly it is. The good thing is that we got the knowledge about their illness and tactics, so we can protect ourselves. I now understand and try to make peace with myself. ❤
It's actually quite insane really how nearly every enmeshed narcissistic family operates, functions and behaves pretty much exactly the same way isn't it.
@@f_youtubecensorshipf_nazis most humans today are weak spineless cowards living in their own bubble of truth. Which is kind of why I can’t help but feel like those of us who have been put through the ring of fire were simply being battle-hardened ready for the days ahead.
@@SakthiCIt gets easier the more time goes by and the more peace you have. I used to cry every night until I eventually healed and went to therapy and prayed or read scripture every time I would think about it and it helped as well as my hubby who helped me through it with all his love.
My sister is pretty much the same. She took our mom's side bc she needs her mom to pay her bills. She's always been our moms favorite while I (the oldest) was the kid she never wanted. Twelve yrs ago I walked away from my mom after she started treating my kids how she did me and my sister. My daughter was her pride and joy, my son reminded her to much of me and she was awful to him. Best decision I ever made was to walk away and be the best mom I could. My kids are now 15 and 17 and they back me up 100% in my choice.
My narcissist parents used to love to verbally attack me in situations where I could not easily escape. In a car. A boat. A restaurant. Places where they felt they had total control of me.
Ooh I can relate to the car and the boat scenario I got to the point where I didn't want to be in a car alone with anyone who had ever hurt me and my narc ex used to take me sailing and we would be in the middle of the Hudson River and I was always tempted to jump off the boat and swim to the nearest land
Yes!! The car screaming on the way home from school. Or she was so blotto she was an hour late and almost gets in a wreck with my pals in the car. Miracle I had pals And oh, that never happened.. my mom veering off the freeway in a nightgown with teens in the car. I think I should join the therapy. Real life ones don’t get it and I’m typing too much.
A narcissistic family dynamic is nothing but a bunch of bullies who can't stand each other but will gather unite and stand banding together against the truth teller whenever they need to feed their ego and malicious intent.... It's cruel, and the only way I knew to handle it was to walk away!! Walk away from my family, my ex & his family, my church family, and anyone else who I deemed as a problem and a peace destroyer. I have too much living to do versus being stressed out by a bunch of envious adult babies with chips on their shoulders.
I have done the same, as much as I can always. I went no co tact 3/4yrs ago BUT the second I did they got ahold of my oldest daughter, a month before her 18th birthday. Went almost a year not getting to actively be her mom anymore and it was a pain I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter is still close with all of them and goes back n forth between us (our household family) and my narcissistic family- even though she admittedly sees everything they do and she doesn’t like it…… its so hard having that tie to them. My life would be so much better if they had absolute zero access to me, but Idk if giving my daughter an ultimatum would be the right thing to do- and idk if I feel that way due to the fear I have that she would likely choose them over me or if it’s because it just seems like an awful thing to do to a person making them choose between family. Then again it kills me inside that my daughter knows so much and has seen and heard for herself and knows for herself as an adult now everything they’ve done to me and she still chooses to remain close to all of them. Idk what to do
@Scapegoated_Soulmate I'm going through the same with my adult son. I and both of my kids had to deal with the abuse from my ex. But he still chooses to stay in touch with his narc dad and his side of the family and my narc family (mother, stepdad, and brother), and I know they only use him to gain info about me and my youngest son. All of whom I've gone no contact with. It does hurt, and you feel betrayed in a way. He knows what and how his dad treated me was wrong, but he still wants his father's love, but he always tells me his relationship is mainly surfaced and not as close as he and I. But as a mom, We had to have a few difficult conversations, but I know I gotta let him make the best decisions for his life, but I also trust that he won't do anything intentionally to disturb my peace or disrespect my boundaries. Even though he has a lot of traits like his dad and has pushed me away and refused to take accountability for his behavior in the past and didn't wanna face certain truths about his actions toward me. But he knows I love him unconditionally regardless of his feelings towards me based on his mistreatment at times. We, as empathic mothers, gotta trust and know that we did the best we could and still go the extra mile for our adult kids, and sometimes, their behaviors towards us isn't always pleasant, and we become the emotional puniching bag and scapegoat. But I've learned to keep paying attention to what I need to be ok. And continue to protect my peace and give space when necessary, and those who need me know where to find me. Healing is a never-ending journey So stay encouraged, friend. It will all work out.
You just described my family 100%. Dealing with this will literally kill you from stress and depression if you let it. Be wise and escape quietly and never look back. They always self destruct.
I grew up with narcissistic parents. My counter, which I did by default and only realized later, was to become more educated and knowledgeable on any and every subject. You can't lie and manipulate someone who knows more than you. And, when I realized what they were, I disowned them and moved halfway across the country. You can't fix those people. You have to separate yourself. You can't be a good person surrounded by bad people.
I became a learning junkie, too. All kinds of subjects. They got nervous when I got dedicated to self-defense training. They still scapegoated me, but they started to keep some distance.
@chrisbonnett6783 'You can't be a good person surrounded by bad people.' Well said. And you are spot on about 'knowledge' too. Enjoy your life of peace.
I walked away, cut contact with all of them, changed my country, citizenship and even my name. Only then i was able to feel safe enough for my healing to begin. Best decision ever.
Being denied family info was the nail in the family coffin for me. After father died, narc mother and my brothers started having family reunions at various places. I guess just keeping it a secret wasn't fun enough so mommy always made sure to spill the beans a couple months afterwards, then act surprised that I didn't know.
So damn mean! You need to cut off all contact and move away and be in your own life! It’s good healing! Otherwise it’s torture! I felt a huge sense of being FREE when my narcissist father died in 2019 even though I had not spoken to him since 2003! He lied and told people he disowned ME! I was the one who confronted his narcissist evil and destroying everyone and told him I likely won’t ever be back to visit again! This was in 2003 and I never spoke to him again!
My brother and mother would secretly go to my other brothers house with spouses and kids have a family get together without me. then the day after, my brother would send loads of pictures of the gathering and boast about how much fun they had. Then act like he didn't think I would be interested and going that's why he didn't tell me. But then why tell me about it the next day if you think I'm not interested.
One of my uncles did many shi**y things and spread lies about me. The last was he took my grandmother's ashes and scattered them without me, she was my guardian for 2 years and we were always very close, he resented me for having a good relationship with her. I'll never forgive him, that was the final straw. No heart, it was to punish me. It still makes me cry 7 years later.
This is me. The abused scapegoat. The truth teller. Often referred to as being crazy by my narcissistic mother that is jealous of me. Thank you for this information.
You get labeled "crazy" by the malignant NPD when the realization sets in for them that you simply can't/won't be controlled and subject to their bs anymore... is what it is.
Me too. Exactly. I have to say, I've suffered a lot, and did get diagnosed with schizophrenia two years ago when I was 58. On top of those narcissists and pscyhopths, I've got an internal one to persecute me.
...she did it first, can't acknowledge it, can't _discuss_ it with me like an adult, and was holding me back in every conceivable way. Be glad I'm doing this _now,_ Mom.
Well done to you. My Mother was"I want my caring loving child back" my reply..."she has left the building" and I walked away...hard but slowly healing and gaining an identity. Stay strong and congratulations 🐐✨ free goat ⭐
Yup. I’ve been through this all. Even down to them keeping information away from me when my grandmother was sick. I am happy to be the scapegoat in my family because I am the one who got out of the toxic situation while they are all still stuck in the brainwashing.
We sold our home to a family who had 4 little girls. Just one little girl was always singled out & treated worse than the others! Dad was strict with them all, but the 3rd girl always had black eyes, as she hadn’t slept. The other girls didn’t look like that! They were all very well behaved. It was so long ago, & I’m 85 years old and a great grandmother. I still think about that little girl!😢
I have a similar experience. I saw a child treated like the slave and she had a bum leg. It was at a craft fair. I think of this often. She was there… embarrassing pet/servant. That would never be gotten allowed with these days with phones and rules etc.
I'm the scapegoat/truthseeker My family still hiding their dirt. I'm enjoying the silent treatment at this point in my life. Now that I'm older, I'm very aware. Thank you for your confirmation.
Yep! I got out before Dad could pin mom's Alzheimers care on me. All while he had plenty of money to pay for care. He just wanted it done by me for free. It was all womens work and therefore beneath him. The golden child is unreliable and won't help. And of course is too precious to be forced to. He started not caring for her to force me to. I pulled the alarm bell on my life and left the state. I will not sacrifice myself for these leaches anymore!
I used to think I was going crazy about all the things that happened to me, that my family denied. I realised later on in my 40’s when I finally stepped away from them, what it was. A good friend pointed out I was their emotional punchbag, used to make them feel better. Now I know about Narcissists, it all makes sense.
when/how old were you when you figured out what was wrong in your family? my mom was projecting onto me as far back as when i was 4 - that i remember. some very vividly. i remember when i was 7, seeing a kids help line commercial explaining what verbal/mental abuse was and rather than call the number, confronting my mom, telling her she was abusing me...she dared me to call and end up in a foster home. i just wanted her to stop, is all. but it wasn't until i was 50 or so, that i realized, despite having taken psychology classes in high school and college, trying to figure it out. it was youtube and my brother demonstrating narcissistic behaviours in a way that i couldn't NOT see it, that i realized what this was about way way too late and not until after a tornado of narcissism and abuse descended on me/my life and basically put the nail in the coffin my own mother put me in. it goes against nature/procreation - the whole point of life - to destroy via neglect and abuse, your own children. it makes no sense. but i don't doubt that if i'd had kids at 20 or 21, i might have been her or repeated her mistakes. i'll never know because it's too late now.
@@She_McGeeI threw tantrums as a young child and all my life tried to figure out what was wrong with ME. Discovered at 60, it wasn't me - I was mirroring 3 generations of raging narcissists. As a teen and younger adult, if I conveyed emotion or loneliness, my mother told me to wear more makeup or color. At 19, after I cut my hair short, my mom told me I was going to ruin my cousin's wedding pictures and handed me a tube of lipstick saying "you need all the help you can get." At 60, I realized it was pure projection. Do I wish I figured out all this earlier? Yes. But it's never too late. I don't rage anymore, and people love me with or without makeup. Better yet, I love myself. Love that inner child that didn't know better.
@@lynnbrown4364 i tried to runaway when i was 4. also, had an "invisible friend" who i sometimes use as a mediator with my mom ("suzy says....") I think/know I was rsther smart, too - so i talked back. One example, also around 4 or 5, i told my mom that she'd hurt my feelings, to which she taunted "oh really, where are your feelings, how do you know i hurt them if you don't know where they are?" and I pointed to the lump in my throat, saying it hurt there, so that must be where my feelings were. Wish i could go back and give that little girl a big hug, because i know for sure that was not my mom's reaction. Never once in my life did she apologize - no one in my family has ever apologized for anything, even when it was obvious they were wrong and wrongly accused me. it just got dropped, like it never happened. it really amounts to ego - a parent needing to be superior, right, better - WIN against their own child. At any cost.
@@lynnbrown4364is Mom still with you? My Mom was the narcissist who tortured my 3 sisters and me. She’s still alive and still trying to scapegoat us. But she has dementia now so acts like an angry child. I feel like giving her a bit back but instead, I just avoid her. Sad that it comes to that. She hasn’t spoken to my youngest sister in 30 years now, I know what she’s capable of.
@redrose-wb4bw I know it must be painful for you. My mom died at a young 66. Her final "gotcha!" was 3 months after she died, I discovered evidence of a 30 year affair as I was cleaning out her drawers. My father had no clue, and we never told him. She died 16 years ago. Now that I recognize her as a narcissist who learned from the best, I concentrate on breaking the Karmic bond and appreciating her good points of which, thank God, she had many. All the best to you. Love yourself and keep your boundaries strong!
I wish I had known you years ago - you have described my growing up exactly. I was always compared to my sister the 'golden' child, and even though I gained excellent academic results, had a good career, looked after myself etc.. I was never 'good enough'. I eventually moved to a city only 60 miles away, and although I did the car run hundreds of times, they never ever came to see me, there was always an excuse. The day I said 'no more' was the start of a new life- just wish I'd done it sooner.
You are describing my life except I moved 8 hours away but in a city that was along a major cross country interstate highway. My narc mother and her husband would drive all over the USA in their RV and never tell me that they were in my small city (20 minutes to get across town). But they would stop and see other people in the same town. Also, they would stop in another city and visit my sister, the golden child. I was the straight A student, college graduate, had a great career, paid for my own homes, purchased my own vehicle, and bettered my life with each step upward. I could see the hatred in her eyes because I did what she couldn't do despite her efforts to destroy my spirit.
I was a single parent so we spent a lot of time with my family and I realised too late that my now adult daughter has been influenced by seeing how I was treated in my family despite being the main carer for my elderly parents. My mother died recently and my sister's attitude towards me worsened, we are no longer speaking and my daughter took her side although we did resolve it. The worst thing is always being seen as the troubled, unstable one. I am the only one who has gone to therapy and am constantly working on myself.
I am sorry that your daughter has been influenced by this. I married into it and I did see some red flags early on, but I was young and thought things would get better through time, but they have only gotten worse and I have very low/no contact with my in-laws. I am glad that you are working on yourself. It can be so lonely, but worth the peace and sanity.
I have that exact same story but with 2 daughters. By raising them around my mother and sister I unknowingly sabotage my relationship with my own daughters
@@sistadreponl7152 I was not able to understand initially why my husband detached from his family after a few years into our marriage but now it makes sense. He wanted to stop the dysfunction for our children and family!
I never saw myself as a scapegoat just that I didn't fit in. But I am one. Isolating me is a big one as well as insulting and talking down to me. Our parents are deceased and our immediate family is very small. I refuse to spend Thanksgiving this year with them. I will be alone with my pets. We are all old enough to know better. We were not raised this way. They know very well what they do and the effects it has had on me
I’m sorry. ♥️ I hope you can find peace at this Holiday. I’m trying my hardest to just make it pleasant for just my husband and I this year. It’s a new start of being alone, BUT being ok with it. Less stress & drama.
This is definitely my life’s story, I’d come for holidays and they would barely speak or not at all. They would also watch how much food I put on my plate or make little smart comments. I haven’t been out there since 2020, I’d rather spend the holidays alone than deal with their toxicity.
My husband and I have found we are much happier and have by far more peaceful and pleasant holidays celebrating by ourselves or with close friends, rather than visit family down in TN for the holidays (we live in KY). It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. Hoping you all have the same experience!!
"The narcissist is accusing you of the very things THEY are doing" - SPOT ON. A close family member has been doling this out for years and his wife is on board and my fear is that they will bring their children into the fold for more ammunition. I have chosen to step away from the abuse but will miss the time with the children.
They will grow up and wonder who u really are, they'll be suffering in that dysfunction so if and when they seek u out, u can show them what love & joy they've missed! It's a sad reality with so many families! 😢❤
You just explained my entire life & family dynamics. Wish I could join your live class. I’ve been holding on to this for a very long time. Mourning an entire family.
mine too. My mother and elder sister have been a tag team for nearly all my life.My Dad is sweet enough but weak.An enabler. My other sister is also sweet enough but prefers to be a tortoise and keep out of the hard conversations which is all about her self-preservation. The withholding information has been so difficult to understand including my parents being in hospital and both my siblings keeping it from me, not being told about family events , people going to functions , funerals or trips without telling me, changing the kid's school without telling me, and buying a new car! I often expect that I'll go to my parent''s /family home one day and every one will have moved without telling me. It's awful but by God's grace ,I'm still here and finally thriving. Going no contact has been life changing.
i'M mourning my family too. It only ever worked when I absorbed all of the projections. The moment I defended myself and stood firm in my own interpretation of events, I was mad/bad/sad, isolated, given the silent treatment, other members of the wider family were drafted in to give me the silent treatment, then I was gaslighted ''it was just your perception that we gave you the silent treatment'' so you're not on your own. I'm grieving my ''family''.
It’s really painful ..been scapegoated my whole life and it has caused me anxiety depression and high blood pressure ..you have to find a way to heal and get therapy and move on with people who care about you ..they will literally kill you if you don’t
OMG I was not told when my sister went in for lung cancer surgery....she lost an entire lung . I found out from a family friend. I am persona non grata, now....the reason every one's life is screwed up. I am that POWERFUL 👌 😂😅
Same here (in the non-fatal sense) though I would NEVER CRY EXACTLY if my older NARC sister would suffer from that fate...I CANNOT even "love from a distance" by THAT POINT. Thankfully I am NO CONTACT FOR LIFE against her for years now
Funny...I didn't want anyone to know I had c--cer but felt morally obligated to tell them because me having it automatically put my sister (whom I harbour absolutely no ill feelings towards) at higher risk. I should've kept it to myself like I'd originally wanted to. Sigh. Thanks to a childhood I won't get into, I have MAJOR trust issues which is why I'm a private person...especially with family.
This brought up many images. I didn't know I was the family scapegoat/black sheep until my golden child sister passed, and her executors, exact clones of my sister, or vice-versa... they are all alike, stoic, unemotional, control freak teachers... Mom, and these women, all were/are covert narcissists. This sudden discovery of family abuse was dropped on me suddenly, when the sister's executors shamed me using the very same words used on me as a child. I'm 73. This happened 6 months ago, and I, just now, am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel after dealing with the rage hurt, depression, this discovery caused. I'm not free of this yet... but every day, I get incrementally better. I'm searching for wherever my motivation went... my fun loving self, I miss the old artistic, creatively driven me... the brilliant musician/performer. I hope he shows up soon... i miss that guy.
For decades, I “wore” the belief that I was the reason for the divorce, and family breakdown. “If only I’d been a better child…we would be together as a family”. A therapist told me “stop wearing this. YOU, were a girl…a child and YOU, were NOT responsible for the health of the family!!! Your parents were. THEY, are the reason for the falling apart of the family, not you”. As I allowed that to sink in, I was able to let it go.
Same here. I didn’t understand what a narcissist was until two years ago. I’m in my mid 40’s so it was a long time of thinking that everything was my fault. Fast forward to today I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and have been no contact for over 12 years.
@bradyryan5105 Your parents must've been treating you very badly to make you act out so strongly at such a young age. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
After my grandmother died who was my guardian my relatives aunt and uncles to my cousins all were and wonder why my mental health being escape goat and the black sheep 😢 tried three attempts
We scapegoats are strong willed. And do not let being strong willed be a problem just like you were told by your narcissistic mother and father. Being strong willed is exactly how I survived the abuse and attacks. I also look at it as a blessing inside of a curse now. I don't find myself feeling sorry for myself anymore. I have turned the table on the enemy. I am strong, I am brilliant, I am resilient, I am wise. These were all things I had to become while underneath the roof of narcissistic parents. But today because of my training I'll call it, I am able to manage very well this crazy time that we are living in. So anyone who is listening.... please look at what you became after the trauma. Don't look at the trauma itself because you will suffer self pity and never get out of it. Instead look how you were able to endure it and now you are more strong,wise, and stable because of it.
We keep calling it a “scape goat” but in reality chosen one’s, beautiful brothers and sisters in reality, you have been rendered into a sacrificial lamb. The Lord sees. May God bless you.
Wow! What a beautiful way to put it! And so true. It is my faith that has been saving my life. If it weren't for Him, I would not be here. No fooling. God bless you!
Thank you for this. I used to self sabotage for so many years thinking I was cursed and wrecking my brain and being depressed wondering how I could be treated so bad when done nothing to them. Helped them even when I never got the same inreturn.
You sound exactly like what I've went through, I'm 47 now and knew for years something was deeply wrong with my family, I was treated harshly and critically, mocked and belittled, they never took what I said seriously as if I didn't deserve to voice my opinions, I didn't know I was a scapegoat but do now, I've self sabotaged so much in my life due to being treated less than, but i had therapy early this year that helped me to understand boundaries, I've tried to put them boundaries in place it's been extremely hard to do so, but I've started to gain some self respect for myself and my family upper the ante on me, i did explode and now im cutting contact they are no good for my mental health and i need to isolate away from all of them, hope your okay hope your situation has changed for the better, big hugs to you
They will make you out to be the WORST kind of person if you dont allow them to control you. You are not alone. Find your tribe honey, people who are more like you are and less like them THEN you will be ALOT happier. 😊
@@Tracy-qz8psyour account of your life with your family sounds identical to mine. At family gatherings I was demeaned belittled and humiliated in front of everyone for voicing my own opinions, expressing my own tastes in music and my brother replying you always had bog standard and mediocre tastes in music, in front of all to hear. I tried cutting them of years ago. Did not visit for Xmas. I was on my own then. It was very lonely. Then when I was getting married I thought it right to tell them. They invited themselves down for the wedding at the local registar. For a time they were "nice" towards me. Just as I felt comfortable and secure the abuse started to creep in again. Me and my husband were not invited to my nephew's wedding and was not told about it until 2 months after the event. I realise now my nephew despises and looks down on me. They hurt me through turning on my husband and labelling him a "creep" when he never said a bad thing ever against them and is the best thing that ever happened to me. I cut them off 2 years ago I am having therapy and aim to get off the anti depressants.
I was the scapegoat child..I grew up and had a isolated lonely life. When the narcissists get old and die they came back to me to sort out their problems yet they were never there for me.
I was moms & siblings scapegoat. I’ve started the process. Recently, I no longer show up to family events. I only communicate through texts. I no longer visit their homes, I stopped visiting in 2021 (that was the very beginning of the process). I have no opinions. I deleted them from social media. I love this peace. ❤
Me too. But the only way is to sever all communications..took me 66 years to figure this out. It's sick and diabolical..it will never get better. We must stop trying
@@Andrea-yq9oiI am 64 years old. At 42 years old I first cut off my abusive family members. At 51 years old I was getting married and they showed up at my wedding. They expressed gladness that we were all together again after so long and I started to feel guilty. They were "nice"to me for a while and I went back to family gatherings. As soon as I felt comfortable and secure the abusive behaviour crept back in and also towards my husband who is the one decent person in my life. They insulted him to hurt me. I finally cut them off 2 years ago. I finally learnt at 62 years old not to feel guilty about looking after myself. I learnt the lesson that they desperately need me as scapegoat to focus all their problems on. I have cut down my anti depressants and having therapy.
Mine still tries to tell me how I feel! We've fought more than once or twice about "my tone". The other day I called and was told repeatedly I was in a "bad mood" right away when I answered, I repeatedly said I wasn't. After 3 or 4 times of this back and fourth I hung up and texted that i had been in a good mood til he insisted I wasn't and argues with me about it til I hung up. Not long after I call at 11 am and apparently he was asleep, I asked to call later and was insisted upon it was a good time to talk. When I asked about picking up mail then all hell broke loose and it was suddenly a huge ordeal. Later when I asked what the big deal was because that was not appropriate to yell at me over picking up mail then it was "i was in a good mood til you called" always manipulative. Never accepting responsibility. Decided to be a dick to retaliate me not taking his guff from the other day. I am communicating via text now so things are in writing because I was gaslit about being able to go home to pick up my charger and stuff before leaving for Christmas dinner. I was below 15% and asked if I could go down the road before heading out town to meet, it would take 10 extra minutes. "Let's just do it some other time then" so i said ok I guess if it's like that can you bring a charger then to the restaurant. Didn't bring it or didnt offer it idk...I had to go to Walmart after to get one to make it there drive back to my city. Later I'm told I could've gone to get my stuff first, "its only 10 mins I could've waited" not that day apparently. I asked because he is saying that's not the case that he called it off when I wanted to get it, so I asked "why on earth if I had a chance, would i not just go get my stuff first so i wiuldnt have to buy a chrager?" No response or "idk"
When my covert narcissist grandma was setting up for some proper emotional terrorism I'd always say to myself "pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip."
I was excluded from family celebrations for 2 years with no explanation until my BIL confessed out of the blue that he had lied that I had tried to seduce him. No apologies of course when the truth was out. Mother was caught in the act of triangulating through my cousin, helped me understand why one by one family members were ghosting me. Best thing I did was walk away in 2010.
Oh yeah, I was the scapegoat and my mother smeared me to as many relatives as possible. I thank our Heavenly Father that I had an aunt who could see what was really going on and would take me every Easter, Christmas and Summer vacations to get me away from her. If she had not, I think I would have gone insane...
My aunt was more like a mother than Sharron (birth person) was. A neighbor once told me that Sharron "never had one good word to say about you". She lied, obviously.
Greenlighting crappy behavior was my Father's favorite game. From siblings and neighborhood kids even. He did nothing but undermine and humiliate me. Most passive-aggressive man I've ever met to this day. It was constant, like the prick had made a job of it. Another isolation tactic was just not telling me anything. I never knew where or what the family was doing. They "ditched" me frequently and there were times I literally had no idea where they had gone or what they had been doing.
@@markw999 I always felt like I was adopted for most of my life but there was no way for either 'parent' to ever admit that when I asked them if I was. I look like neither 'parent' and it is very bizarre and suspicious to say the least.
@@TheLordsbattleaxe Full story: my Borderline/Narcissistic mother cheated on my father so many times there was no telling who's kid I was. Of the three of us, I didn't resemble him in any way. Being raised by an angry, passive-aggressive cuck was a bitch, I tell you.
Im done with my narc family.. I don't care anymore. They can do whatever they want but not with me anymore. Im out of this forever. That was the best decision of my life. Since than I feel so much better and i healed.. There is no coming back for them. This door is closed forever! God bless you my friend 🌹🌼
Now, I understand why, when my mother didn't like something her children did, said, or wore, she would always call us by the name of someone she detested or saw as foolish. It was exhausting, but more so, demeaning and hurtful.
We got the same treatment. When mother didn't like the way one of us kids was acting (behavior we got from our father Karl of course ) she would ask... Karl when did you walk in the door? Effectively putting him and us down at the same time.
@@bradyryan5105 I’m sorry♥️. I still to this day , in my 50s , still have no idea why she hated me so much. I wonder to this day why. I was a little girl, 5 yrs old, picking that up. She just always resented me for some reason. And I have basically begged for her love, attention & answer to that question & have never received any of it. It was just easier for her to be hateful towards me. Sad to see there are so many of us dealing with childhood trauma. Prayers for you 🙏🏼
Yes, I was an academic and artistic prodigy, but Mom frequently called me by the name of a cousin, who was severely retarded due to physical, sexual and psychological abuse. Perhaps she was projecting the shame of her own actions as a malignant narcissist and abuser.
For everyone that has had to suffer through this type of abuse, my heart goes out to you. May you find wisdom and strength to navigate the waters and come stronger and wiser than you've ever been. Evil can never triumph over good. Stay strong.
Happened to me. My brothers wanted me to do something I couldn’t afford to do, so I refused to participate. It was amazing to see how quickly all of my family turned against me.
I'm going through this right now since I stopped helping my crazy family members growing their illegal weed selling. Never wanted to do it but had to, currently been in years of manipulation and scheming and lies.
I'm in no contact with my father more than 5 years, he is now invisible to me and I still get shivers when I think how he demeaned me in public hundreds of times
Me too. And he had a heart attack in March (which I found out about 6 months later because he asked my brother not to tell me). He thinks he’s punishing me. He’s only polluting himself and isolating himself
Wow! It was like mirroring my entire life with my narcissitic arrogant family. You hit the nail on the head and made me realise what I endured as a child. The trauma of being the victim to their narcissistic and tyrannical ways. Now, as an adult, who distanced herself from them, a long time ago and succeeding on my own, they want to see me again. That is never going to happen. I will never give them the opportunity of ever terrorising me ever again.
It doesn't seem to matter what the dynamic playing out is. By this I mean Jerry is describing various behaviors that may or may not resonate for some of us. We all have different stories to tell. What is the same across every story is that we are the outsider. We are not allowed to express concerns, opinions, investigate, understand what is happening because no one else sees our viewpoint as mattering . They do not view our needs as worthy of being addressed. We want to talk and work things out. We want to fix the problem but they see us as the problem. They don't see the family dynamic as the problem that must be seriously and completely addressed if healing is going to occur. Healthy people work together. They want everyone's needs to be met and make reasonable efforts to do so. They can admit their role in a problem or at least validate someone's view of their behavior. Healthy people include. They do not exclude. They care enough about their family to work on problems as everyone's problem. Compromise is what people who are loving do. When a relationship is one-way, well, it isn't a relationship.
You can't "work with" narcissists Nancy. They will not acknowledge that they have a problem, &/or that they are part of a problem. They never get better.
dear Nancy, thank you for your comment simply put nothing extravagant I couldn't believe there could be an inclusive family where you are heard and excepted most significant time was when my father returned to the Lord and I actually realized in what mess (family) I was in until then he had been the thermostat balancing the dynamics representing my perspective as well
I experienced a 3 year narcissistic smear campaign involving my entire social system, with my separated spouse being the teller of the most heinous lies against me. They all gave input on how to make his divorce petition as cruel as possible. I was definitely cast as someone who “suddenly changed for the worse.” I did a complete emotional cutoff and became a trauma coach. I broke free of the enmeshment and from the family. Thank you Jerry. ❤
I cried because this was me in my family and how they made it appear to the rest of my family. I had to completely sever my ties with my whole biological family. This was like having multiple deaths happen at one time. I had been married 2 different times to 2 different narcissists. I wondered why I was attracted to such men. I started getting trauma help. I ended up marrying for the last time to a wonderfully loving man, that takes care of me and my children. That move of marrying him, lead my brother to come and threaten my husband and myself after we got married. One because my family wasn’t excepting of him, 2, I dared, as a 44 year old woman with 4 kids to get married in spite of this without my folks or other family present. Since the day my brother threatened us, we went no contact. I still love my parents and brother. I still pray for them and have forgiven them, but it doesn’t mean I have to stay in that toxic environment and won’t let my children be effected by their manipulation and projection and gaslighting. Just done. Trying to raise my children to live lives that honor God and that love people wisely.
Wow you may have no idea how similar your story is compared to others. Yeah, your godly marriage changed their twisted narrative about you that stemmed from toxic hatred and pride. Did you need to get a court ordered Restraining Order against him?
Feel like I may be going through the same thing only it's happening to me after ACTUALLY experiencing multiple deaths of loved ones. I think spirituality and mushrooms are the only reasons I'm still here. 😂
I’m the child of a narcissistic mother. I healed myself by distancing and then finding myself after years of suffering and self abuse. This video describes my maternal family to a “T”. Thanks for this clarifying talk Mr. Wise!❤
Shout out to all the people who have expressed how the SGOAT is always the best in the family, but more importantly, while we are are sensitive and empathic we have an inner strength and resilience they choose us for - because we have the stones to “handle” it. ❤❤
This was my whole upbringing and continued into my 40s. When it started to extend beyond the immediate family, to the spouses, cousins and nieces and nephews, I just went 'no contact'.
Yes it's like a cancer that spreads (due to the narc's subtle smear campaign). If the extended family chooses to drink their poison kool aid about you, they become just like the narc and it's band of worshipful idiots.
I was totally the scapegoat and was told I was stupid continuously whilst my father also had a favourite child who could get away with anything. He’s dead now, thank god but they still act in the same way. I’ve been much more successful than the rest of my family in adult life and have loaned all of them money in the past, yet one of my sisters stole a load of money from me 20 years ago and I got the blame for her stealing. She even said “ if our father was still around he wouldn’t have let you treat me like this” when she was confronted about stealing money from me.
My mom would always guilt trip me about how much it cost to raise me, as if I set the cost of clothing and food myself. No matter that I started working at 13 (the only kid out of three of us that was required to work) in the family business without getting any wages
Emotional Blackmail….written by Susan Forward. I read this book 20 years ago and I highly recommend it. It opened the window to my healing. Boy was my mother good at this. She continues to manipulate using fear, obligation, guilt. Because I went no contact, I thought I was free but realized as I read this book that I was still operating as her robot. I sought professional help and never looked back.
My abusive sibling, would flip the script on me, if I were to say- your were the golden child, and I had been the scapegoat. That why I’ve been no contact for two decades…
This was so powerful , This is my mum and as a result Ive had no contact with my family for 3 years. But Ihave peace. My final straw was when I was in hospital fighting for my life I found out my mother never turned up to "say goodbye etc" after recovery and when I got speech back etc I rung my mother (6 months had gone by)and said where were you , I have never been so scared and her response ? You only ever think about yourself , did you not ever think about how I might feel having a sick child. That was the final straw , I hung up , moved into the bush , got rid of all socia media etc and now have a very peaceful rich life. The comments are so comforting to know im not the only one who has gone though this
It never ceases to amaze me, that no matter how different we are, how far apart we are, or how varied and unique our circumstances might have been; we survivors (and thrivers after all is said and done); have the same fundamental experiences trying to cope with narcissistic abuse. Trauma is trauma, no matter how it is disseminated! I am very thankful for all who are here, sharing and helping each other through the rough spots. Thanks for your post, and I'm a little jelly of you out there in the bush! 😉
My mother used to say "you want to make me ill? well, then you have to make me ill....", whenever I spoke the truth about shady things going on in the family, or her lying outright. She finally had a stroke and blamed me for it (I was far away and lived on a different continent). Nobody in the family questioned it, to this very day.
@@earthgoddess4779 Thank you. It always feels good to put a name to it, doesn't it? And it gets better: after my mother had turned the whole family against me, excluded me from all family functions for fifteen years, after my Dad's funeral, I confronted her with the fact that she had told everyone that I had caused her stroke. She was enraged: "I never said such a thing! It was your Dad's fault, he had told me to stop taking my blood pressure medication. It had nothing to do with you!!" Declaring me insane. Nothing but blank stares when I told my siblings. It did not change anything in their world. Whatever the facts were, I was the scapegoat.
@troll23-troll23 WOW, that is crazy! Thank you for sharing that. I went through something similar. However, I just decided to stay away. Reading what you shared after confronting the matter assures me I did the correct thing by staying away. Goodness, I am so sorry you had to be retraumatized like that. I hope you have stayed away and had time to heal. Blessings to you💫🫂. You're not alone in this weird scenario.
@@earthgoddess4779 Thanks again, that is very kind of you. Retraumatization, they are so good at that! Adding insult to injury. Yes, I have just stayed away from her funeral. It's not how you imagine life to be, but it was the only logical thing to do. Funerals are very loaded occasions, and the participants highly volatile. Theoretically crucial moments like a death in the family could be warm and loving, but not in scenarios we are talking about here. I don't expect anything to change, as my "golden child" narcissistic brother has already taken on her legacy and behaves just like her. And my sister plays along happily...staying away for good seems to be the only solution. The next generation is so damaged already, they don't even know how much. It will be interesting to see if anyone of them steps out of the system, now that the "family matriarch" is gone.
Suuuuuure they don’t - but do they even try to clear things up or, god forbid, reassure you instead of just walking off after labeling you a villainous sh!t judge of character? Nah!
Yes! Exactly what my narcissistic and abusive family have abused me to no end and blame me for everything! I asked for a healthy relationship and they put me on the street and made me homeless for calling them on their abuse!
I have never heard of narcissistic family dynamics before. I could relate to every single one of these as the scapegoat. They tried to ruin my wedding 15 years ago and have given me the silent treatment ever since. What I thought was such a sad experience and being undeserving of a lovely wedding day has turned into a blessing. I wouldn’t have my husband and my 4 beautiful children have been spared from living with the hell of this messed up existence.
What bothers me is that I have to go out of my way to research and learn in order to manage my interactions. I wish for us all to let love in 💖 Thank you for being a resource!
One day, I went to my mom's to talk about some things, she is a narcissist. I had smoked one before I went, as green helps me calmly explain my feelings, I'm less likely to get angry, but I do feel more comfortable talking about my feelings, and more comfortable crying...my narcissistic mother didn't like feeling uncomfortable so when I was telling her how I felt, she held her hands up and told me "I'm not talking to you when you are like this, I don't want to be around you when you are high"...she didn't like feeling guilty for the tears I was shedding, the cracking of my calm voice, the real of the conversation. This video has described my life. My mother's mother is a narcissist. Her sisters, my sister have all ganged up on me several times. They will all block me give me the silent treatment for weeks, even months. My mom has used my siblings in her psychological games. To the point when I've tried to talk to them, they think I'm just being mean to mom. I saw a poster of the narcissistic family dynamic when I was in rehab and that was when everything made sense. I didn't ever know she was a narcissist nor I the scapegoat or Rebel. I've called them all out several times, the new game over the last few years has been trying to plant seeds of doubt in my head as far as my relationship goes.
00:56 🔄 Gaslighting is a common trait in narcissistic families, manipulating the scapegoat's perception of reality and making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings. 01:51 🤐 The silent treatment is used to isolate the scapegoat when they bring up uncomfortable truths or secrets within the family, creating a powerful but abusive form of punishment. 02:47 🔄 Triangulation involves bringing in a third party to form coalitions against the scapegoat, often leveraging individuals who are easily manipulated to create emotional alliances against them. 04:51 🎭 Projection is a tactic where the dysfunctional family blames the scapegoat for everything they think, feel, or do, creating a distorted narrative to deflect attention from their own issues. 05:48 📊 Competitive comparisons are used to erode the scapegoat's self-esteem by constantly comparing them unfavorably to others, assigning value based on societal standards. 07:26 😔 Emotional blackmail, combining guilt and manipulation, is employed to control and punish the scapegoat, often questioning their love or loyalty. 08:23 🚫 Invalidation is a form of punishment where the opinions, memories, and beliefs of the scapegoat are disregarded, making them feel invisible within the family dynamic. 09:16 🔄 Selective memory is used to deny or distort past events, making it difficult to hold the dysfunctional family accountable for their actions, leaving the scapegoat frustrated. 10:36 🙅♂ Scapegoats are often cast as "unbelievable," "manipulative," and having changed for the worse, contributing to their isolation within the family. 11:53 ⚖ Scapegoats are wrongly labeled as the true cause of family anger and divisions, unfairly shouldering the blame for the dysfunctional dynamics within the family. 12:37 🤐 Information is withheld from scapegoats, casting them as undeserving of family updates and events, further isolating them from crucial family matters. 13:31 🔀 Scapegoats are paradoxically seen as both detached and over-enmeshed, projecting onto them a sense of detachment while simultaneously obsessing about their actions and decisions.
Thank you, I wanted to remember all the important points and this was really helpful. I'm very grateful to people like you who take the time to do things like this. Thanks again.
Thank you for posting this comment. I wrote letters, detailing the abuse. I have not sent them yet, but writing helped me grow and understand completley what they (did/are doing) to me. What they have been doing to my child. Facing it, and learning about it has been so empowering.
My father passed away in 2020, my sister and her daughter tried to get POA and they were caught in the act, because I stopped it, spoke the truth, I lost 98% of my so called family. They turned everyone against me, I had to mourn 98% of them. My mother passed 2023, and I finally walked away and I am so very happy now. No contact is the best thing I have ever done! I can truly mourn my parents now and I can smile because God, myself, husband, 1 sister and 1 brother knows the truth. I'm the youngest of 9
I was the scapegoat for my family. Alcoholic dad, narcissitic mom. Mother turned my sisters against me for years and I was subjected to almost everything you talked about. I was ridiculed as crazy and all sorts of things. Fortunately, we all came to places in our lives that brought us to counseling and treatment, and gradually began talking to each other about all that stuff. Thankfully, we all have good relationships today.
Thank you for sharing a story of healing in your family. I am holding some small hope for my own, the next generation and I hope we can break this generational curse. I’m grateful there’s much more information out there now for everybody to access, even though my siblings have scapegoated me too. I have some small signs of change, but I know I can’t rely on them and will have to see how things play out.
All of these are so accurate! However the one about casting the victim as 'unbelievable', hit hard. Frequently I get asked questions. I reply honestly, according to my perception of an event or objectively according to fact, yet I'm the one spinning stories to make others look bad.🤦♀️ Like, why even ask if nothing I say matters?
Yup - and if they’re not content with simply dismissing the perception (and ensuing feelings) that you just “shouldn’t have”, here come the accusations of imagining sh!t and thinking you can read everyone’s minds to put words in their mouths/lend them intentions for earnestly trying to fill in / make sense of the blanks they leave to maintain plausible deniability
I cannot tell you just how thankful that I am for coming across your page. This explains my life perfectly. It’s inhumane and abusive to treat someone this way. I isolate myself from the pain of it all, but it is impossible to understand fully.
Yes, she turned everyone against me.Yes she tried to manage me from the will. But, she was ultimately was unsuccessful. My sisters stepped in. Three of the four of us are now very close. We are lucky bc the woman who was mean, and vengeful is now nice. It’s weird. So many people with dementia become mean… she was mean and has become nice. She has rewritten her past… we are okay with it.
At 6:52 I just wanna add a word and make it: "iIn a narcissistic family, you are assigned a "LOW" value. It also hopes to convince you to "buy" that "low" value as "the ultimate reality".
Insist that everybody go to a family dinner, where everybody is drinking and some are even very drunk and then chastise the scapegoat simply for enjoying themselves like everybody else. Even to the point of making up fake incidents thinking the target won't remember everything they said and did! It is absolutely nuts.
Oh my. I wonder how thay would react next time as you set a tape recorder in the middle of the table “so [ you] can remember all the happy time [ they] are having with you.” I bet it would be a short silent sober meal!!
Scapegoats may not know they are scapegoats because a lot of gossiping, plotting and scheming goes on behind the scapegoat's back. The scapegoat isn't even aware of all that's going on behind her back. She's out of the loop by design. In the meantime, the rest of the family has gleefully cooked up schemes to torment her and cut her off at the knees so she can never escape. If she does leave, a new scapegoat will have to be found, and they "will" be found (often preselected long ago). Having been on the parent's "team" for so long, the new scapegoat knows full well the horrors that await them. They'll be next to get the knife in the back. Live by the narcissist, die by the narcissist.
Makes me feel kinda bad for my siblings. They're all too scared to rock the boat. Wonder which one(s) took my place... I feel bad but not THAT bad. They all btch about it but do nothing. Our whole lives it's been that way. I was the only one with balls. They could leave or at least go LC if they truly wanted to but they won't. I pity them but I don't feel all THAT bad for leaving them. It's complicated but I'm sure someone out there understands.
There's probably equally as many men scapegoats out there too unfortunately. As an oldest of 6 beating post from the moment I remember remembering anything, yeah ... Oftentimes it takes a lifetime before realization one is a scapegoat, some of us get lucky and figure it out middle age, if you want to call figuring it out luck.. Ignorance isn't bliss with narc abused scapegoats, knowing doesn't help much either, other than coming to terms with being utterly alone in the world and formulating survival plans and hoping for just maybe the chance to start a new cycle. (family)
My mother is a narcissistic alcoholic. I saw her stretchered out of the house many times as a teen after nearly killing herself with week long benders. Older brother was already moved out, younger sister would get whisked away by her dad (my stepdad, who was divorced from my mother), leaving me the only child stuck living there watching my mother tear her life apart. My tolerance for her drinking is pretty much nonexistent in my adulthood. A few years back, she had another bad episode where my younger sister finally got to see her at her worst, and it terrified her. That was the last straw for me, and I cut her off for a full year before my family finally pressured me into trying to patch things up. In doing so, my mother made it clear that she felt no remorse for what she’d done, in fact, me cutting her off was the worst, most evil thing anyone had ever done to her. I became the villain who would dare try to tear this perfectly functional family apart. And while she “forgives me” now and we are on mostly good terms, I see through all her bullshit and am just biding my time until I can someday move far away from them all and try to find a happy life for myself.
The good news is that nothing is as it seems on this planet. Apparent families are hell because they are lies. Those of us who are brave and take the path of becoming authentically ourselves will reunite our true family.
12:14 or... "You're the reason why I smoke." 😂 So, typical. You're amazing, sir, for putting this out there. It feels so comforting hearing a confirmation of ones experiences from an external sourse. God bless you!
Or enabling the addictions or crimes of the Golden Child (or blaming all of that on the Scapegoat...down to, in my case, getting damned close to framing me for crap). I could tell you stories that would curl your hair.
My family withheld the death of my son from me for an entire month. They knew his Cancer was terminal for an entire year, and kept me in the dark. Never underestimate what they will keep from you.
Or siblings not telling you that your mother has died! Someone who lives in the same city as my family called me because they had seen the obituary in the paper. It is possible though that our mother had said to my brother before she died: "Don't tell her, she does not need to know....". And why would he not follow orders? Since she was the root of all evil in our family, and he was the golden child...
My sister didn't tell me for 5 days that my mom had a stroke after knee surgery, (that I also didn't know about.) My brother won't even talk to me and he lives with her. My sister is controlling this entire situation, withholding information and not helping. Thing is, I would never treat them the way they are treating me. Mother is the narc and has triangled my siblings. I've always been the invisible/scapegoat child. Even in death I'm to be left out. This is so difficult emotionally but I've got to stop ruminating. I'm just going to stay away there is nothing left.
@@tracydean3678 They are caught in the "family trance", you are the only one who has clarity. As long as the narcissist is calling the shots, the price would be too high for them to step out. Which you have done, so you are better off than all of them. But what does it help, emotionally it is so hard, I agree. The injustice of it all. And the projection onto you, of something you have never done, it is so evil. My mother withheld so much information from me, enjoying her power trip. Including hints about some "terrible illness" running in our family, I had no clue what that could be. Then she added: "You don't need to know, I am just telling you...." Tell me what? In case I got some strange symptoms, I would worry, but not know a thing? She is gone now, I have no idea what she was talking about. But it did bother me for a long time. She told my siblings that I had a "nervous disorder". She made this up. Plain vicious.
Yup. I'm so sorry for your loss. They're are demonic for doing that. Mine withheld everything about my children. Godbless you and I pray for your comfort.
Now that more CLARITY is arriving, I see that I’m fortunate to have been the Scapegoat in my extra-ultra dysfunctional family. Being OUTCASTED has especially been beneficial! TOXICITY is CONTAGIOUS and the less time spent with those who hate you, the better. Just wish they’d cease SLANDERING!🦋
Jerry, this is one of the best explanations of what it is we go thru and how far reaching it is. As a mom myself, I couldn’t imagine having ppl over to my house and making fun of my son , cracking jokes at his expense or discussing him in an unkind unloving manner. If I ever found out someone disparaged him, I would no longer associate with them. Only those who’ve been thru it can understand how devastating it was/is to live with your ‘family’, extended family, friends and acquaintances all being taught it’s ok to laugh at and be dismissive of you or recruited to the “cabal” against you 😢
My brother always did this. If his friends, our cousins, his girlfriend or even my friends were around he'd always try to recruit them to mock, laugh at and put me down. It would be done with subtlety and charm so the recruited felt flattered and didn't realise they'd been recruited, and I being innocent and at that time naive to the dynamic wouldn't usually see it coming.
U become the scapegoat because u call them out on their crap. Of course your flying monkey siblings believe everything she says about me. It’s been 10 years and I haven’t looked back. Her precious monkeys can deal with her to the end. I won’t be sucked back in because they try to guilt me into it. They will never know or care how much this has affected me and my family.
This is my older brother, sister-in-law, and my mother's most recent husband, his family, as well as a couple of others in my family, my parents are not the instigators, but do not stop it and my son is not like them thank God. The only way to deal with it is to just stay away from them, they will never change. All of them are very immature.
Validation at last from a total stranger on UA-cam. Like water to a parched traveler. So grateful for your video, thank you! This explains my dysfunctional family of origin and why so much sibling hostility exists today. So very sad. I could never enjoy my brother or sister's company as it inevitably led to very acrimonious fights, all self igniting. Sadder yet, my ex husband was bipolar and a malignant narcissist and he turned our two beautiful kids against me. Now my son gaslights me constantly inventing stories of abuse that never existed. My daughter died of cancer in her prime and my last memory of her was her rage against me for trimming her dogs paws when I babysat him for free for 10 days and removed foxtails from his tangled paws. I had no choice, there were painful burrs and foxtails and his under paws had to be trimmed to remove the matted fur. She raved and ranted and flew into a rage and walked off with her dog who kept looking back at me, clearly more attached to me and the good home cooked meals he got, and she never looked back. That was my last memory of her. My little baby girl I loved so much. To say that I am in pain is an understatement. It is a struggle to breathe some days. It is a Grand Canyon of pain to swim through. So much gaslighting. Instead of enjoying each other, there was nothing but hostility, insecurity, abandonment, outright verbal and physical abuse. I just walked away from these toxic relationships. I felt invisible and diminished around them. My son gives me the silent treatment. He uses me when he needs dog sitting or packing for a move, or similar. Not a card on my birthday, not Christmas, nor Thanksgiving. This is the boy I put through an Ivy League college like my daughter too. He is a highly educated professional, like my daughter. Not one word of thanks or a visit or a phone call. No answer to my emails. He flew into a rage once on a visit of 15 mins after one year of not seeing him out of state, because I would not help him clean my Ex's house (who lives like a pig) 120 miles away on Halloween evening, causing me to drive back 60 miles in the dark on Halloween night. Imagine the entitlement in that. I refused and asked him to hire someone. So he flew into a rage, berated me for 10 mins in public and stormed off not to be seen again in a year. On the last visit from east coast to west coast, he did not see me though he passed my house 3 times driving by. Now not even a phone call. This is the fruit of dysfunction in a family. It is soul destroying. I am a survivor. I will thrive despite this. Life is a journey. Nothing prepares you for death better than to feel utterly alone and abandoned in life. I came into this world alone, and will leave it alone. That is reality. It is an illusion to think anyone cares about you. They care about themselves mostly and unless you are useful to them, you don't matter. So you really have to live for yourself and what gives you joy. Lesson learned.
I am sorry about the details you shared. Really sorry. Especially when children express anger, mostly misplaced, it can be tough. I wish you complete healing. So that your heavy heart is lighter and you can breathe easy. Surely your daughter would've regretted had she been around now. It is very common for kids be mad at parents, so please don't beat yourself up over it. Take care. Prayers for you.
No good deed goes unpunished with these narcissistic vipers. Your daughter got a narcissistic injury when you cleaned up her neglected dog's paws. You caused her to see what a bad pet owner she actually was.
Your Creator cares about you and knows everything you have endured. When you put Him1st in your life, it helps u realise who and what really matters. If I'm pleasing Him I know that I'm doing the right thing and anyone else's view of me is only the opinion of an imperfect human. Peace to you...I related to a lot of what you said.
My father told me he kept me away from himself and the family not because he didn’t want to see me but because he thought that would help me not to argue with everyone in the family. It was a whole showdown without me ever arguing with anyone to my knowledge and not being involved in the kicking out of the family episode- all of them and then me. WOW obviously this all resonates more than I want it to but I knew it would. It has been happening long enough that the knowledge is overwhelming. Thank you for your lessons
Oh my god, I could have written this. My mother said this too to someone "all my children have mental health problems". And she grits her teeth when she sees me, bares them like a dog. She can't even disguise it. She hates me so much. No contact for over 8 years. She sabotaged my whole life and isolated me. No siblings (4) have any contact with each other. It's so very sad. Take care ❤🇬🇧
Any reasonable person would see she is the culprit 😂 A fool, ratting herself out! …. I can relate! So relieved and blessed, to be free from the nonsense 😊
Don't worry my father says the same stuff all the time. He has no awareness. He'll physically abuse his woman and pets until they have Stockholm syndrome then he talks about how his pets like him more than others. Complete looney toon.
@@metafromaustralia Their willfully ignorant bliss will evaporate soon when they are weeping and gnashing their teeth on their one way trip to an eternal lake vacation (fire lake)...❤🔥🔥
OMG I watched my partner’s mother be this way, she even put me under her spell to band together against him until I woke up to it. I never want her around me or our son ever again. She is dangerous.
The silent treatment it’s a killer! I suffered it for years in unpredictable cicles, and survived. It negates your own existence. I’m doing fine now. Thank you Jerry, you are really wise.
This gent is correct. Sometimes divorce is for family members too. If they don’t value and respect you and if it is not an equal and respectful relationship, you need to let them go. Betrayals start out small. They will continue until you are devastated. Do not give the filth the opportunity to do more damage to your heart ❤️ soul and spirit . Good luck out there. Your healing can start today with self care, meditation and exercise. Your healing can not start and will not start with toxic people in your aura or life. Delete them. ❤ yourself enough to let them go.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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Thank you Mr Wise as I have been struggling with this for my whole life
Amazing the way these people live. They go to so much work to avoid doing the work.
I signed up
When they give you the silent treatment, and it turns out to be a relief...
Wise man 👍🏻
The saddest thing the narc mother or father does is turn your own siblings against you. These things are demonic.
I agree! Even today I am still not accepted. We are all in our 70’s. They still don’t want to hear about my abusive childhood experiences. I can talk about it because I have forgiven my family, I am also forgiven!
@@RaptureReadyforJesus-qv2ql come Lord Jesus soon!
My narc mom started smearing my brother when I was 2 and he was in his crib as a 1 year old. How? She put me in the room with him and asked me where he came from and asked me why he was here. Imagine how crazy that is to tell a 2 year-old. My mom then said she didn't like him and he shouldn't be here. She smeared him all his life. Fast forward to her last days on earth, being bedridden she smeared him so bad behind his back that I pulled out my phone and secretly recorded her.
@@Theinsomniac826 that is traumatizing!!!!!
@@Theinsomniac826 so sorry for you and your brother! That was so wicked of her. I hope you and your brother are healing now.
I broke the cycle by walking away from the family over twenty-five years ago. One of my best decisions.
Oh, hell yes !! Me too !
How did you deal with the holidays? It's been a year sense I've seen my mother I think but I don't remember I lost track of the time nor do I really care.
@@mariahconklin4150 I’m having my second holiday season without my narcissistic family and it’s fantastic! None of their drama or snide comments, none of their imposed guilt, none of their triangulation. I wish I had done it years ago.
I'm really impressed with Jerry. He nailed it. Being creatively sensitive and a caring human being, walking away from a family for good is difficult. I never saw my mother for the last two years of her life, she was mentally abusive to the end.. my narcissistic sibs score 11 out of 11 having turned her and everyone in my extended family against me. My wife has seen it all and knows exactly what's going on. For 10 yrs I was on antidepressants. They're horrible. I'm long off them but psychological abuse dished out by dominant narcissistic sibs never goes away. I'm lucky to have married an intelligent, sagacious, kind, beautiful and feminine woman..everything my sister's aren't, her mother was the same. In some ways I'm free. Now I just need a pill that makes me forget I ever had a family. 😆
I’ve started the process. Recently, I no longer show up to family events. I only communicate through texts. I no longer visit their homes, I stopped visiting in 2021 (that was the very beginning of the process). I have no opinions. I deleted them from social media. I love this peace. ❤
My mother was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. This description is totally how I grew up. I'm 65 and I'm finally healing from my childhood trauma.
I'm 66 and finally had to walk away..just learning why I've lived in confusion, grief and rage..it's something. Only wish I'd figured it out sooner. Best to you!
Hey, one of my favorite sayings is better late than never. Don't regret anything. Celebrate the fact that you woke up and did something about it. That's what really matters. @@Andrea-yq9oi
Same here.
Interesting I figured some things out at 29 I’m now 39 I thought I was late it’s taken a decade of work I went back and observed and it helped me get conviction. A big struggle for me was feeling guilty or responsible, I no longer feel that way, and no need to convince others. I’m content with no contact it’s not ideal but it’s good to get to a point where no contact is ok for you.
Same here 62
I went “no contact” with my whole family and I’m thriving now, 2000 miles away where I made new friends and live close to nature. ❤
@carolynjaynes9094; I am so happy for you. 🕊
Wooiow
Me with you all the way xx xXxX
I want to do this so bad but I feel bad. I hate it.
@@SR-uz1ovstay in a bad situation than it's your life you only get one you're wasting it
I've always said, some of the most toxic people come disguised as family
It’s the absolute truth. They can be some of the sickest and most evil people you’ll ever have to learn life’s bitter lessons from. And unfortunately, they are the first ones that we come to know, and they can sometimes damage us the most.💔
Very well said
In the bible it says that in the end time
you worst enemies will be your family members. We are living in the most narcissistic time so likely every one in the family is a narcissist. They scapegoated Jesus. Family members thrive by attacking the scapegoat before casting them out. It truly is the demonic working through these people and using them as hosts.
when u are doing well, they will waltz back into your life. else, they will slowly waltz away
Wheres my post I put up my comment
The scapegoat is ALWAYS AN EMPATH.
Yup yup
If they stay in the scapegoat-role they will become dark empaths.. 🥹😳
#Run 🐎
Then it might follow that an EMPATH should ALWAYS be a Scapegoat.
Somehow the OP statement may have truth. Always seems like too strong a promise.
@@missktofdk whats a dark empath?
@@naturgehöft-sieghexe
Go check it out. It’s the dark hole every empath must be aware of.
Dark empaths end up mimicking the narc in order to survive the abuse.
Boundaries gone, drained and in horrific pain, even the brightest of souls can turn dark.. ❤️
I have DENIED ACCESS to me from all the toxic BS. I withdrew from all social media. I only watch UA-cam videos. Changed my phone number, returned to sender any mail reveived, fenced in the front yard, put a gate across my driveway. I am DONE forever. I enjoy my peace and LOVE living alone. No drama, no stress, total indifference. IM not a person that feels lonely. I feel free to relax
God I wish this was me right now but I'm so depressed not sure how to get out of it but this is where I want to be at where you're at.
Congratulations... Building the same thing here
I don’t get lonely either
The only fucking thing that works
My mantra. I've done this with people in my life, and it works.
It is amazing to me that the narcissist parents focus their hate and cruelty on the good child in the family. (The one who is kind, tenderhearted and patient, hard working and forgiving.) That one becomes the scapegoat. It happened in my family and I have seen it happen in other families when I was growing up. Narcissists hate good people. The scapegoat is almost always a "good" child. ( I think in early childhood every child is "good". ) But, The narcissist targets the child who wants to be a good person and tries hard to earn the parents love and care. The golden child starts out as a good child, but they learn early that they can get away with anything and many take advantage of their flavored position. I'm speaking from my own experience. My older brother was a total bully, to me and other kids too. Because he learned that he was the cherished child, mom and dad looked the other way when he hurt someone. It was hell growing up in my family. If God came and said To my parents , one of your children has to die. You choose which one, no doubt in my mind, my brother would live and I would die.
I agree, I'm the SGoat, eldest of 6,had to be a child-parent to 8 other children as our cousins lived with us for 6 yrs,eldest grandchild as well. "You're the oldest,you're responsible for them", was the most common sentence I heard. I loved school bc I could be a child there. Narcissistic family,both parents very self-absorbed,oneAlcoholic & a codependent.Both are dead now & Golden Children, 2 younger sisters, made executors just to spite me,told by my own Father. I can't wait until family home is sold,these people are cruel control freaks, then it's NO CONTACT for me again. Have been screamed at,lied to,literally locked out of our family home since last parent died last year. Money bring$ out the worst in a Narc...u thought it was bad before the parents die,the power is just transferred over to the next Narc/s in waiting.
Appearances are everything to these people & the fake charade will continue, any truth teller is isolated and treated as the outcast. Remember, the higher the horse,the further they will fall... they HATE truth.
My mom is a narc and my father, now deceased, was a co-dependent and alcoholic. My younger brother was the golden child, and I was the scapegoat, which confused me as a child because I was excelling in school and was known as a caring, compassionate person. The better I acted, the worse my treatment. It took years for me to understand that while my accomplishments made my mom look good, she simultaneously hated me for showing her up. I also loved school because I received praise for my work and my grades. I remember saying to my mom when I was 10 years old that I felt like I needed to earn my love from her. I was a truth teller, but no one was listening.
Now, at 51, I'm living in a rural area with my chickens and ducks, 8000 km/5000 miles away, and life is so peaceful now. The scapegoat thrives as soon as he/she leaves and lives in an authentic way. ❤
Bingo. It always amazed me as well. My mother spoiled my brother until he was as selfish as my mother was. It obviously surprises her now, how much my brother takes her for granted and never thinks he owes her anything in return, but then she always forgives him because she was just as selfish towards her mother at his age. I wasn't allowed to consider my own needs, even since I was 2 years old. If I ever mentioned that anything she did had hurt my feelings (such as beating me up) then I was EXTREMELY SELFISH and Mom accused me of thinking the world revolved around me. Theresa Knorr, who killed two of her daughters, had been her own mother's spoiled, selfish, favorite daughter (favoritism is often passed down through the generations by the favored child). A neighbor commented, "I never understood why the mother favored Theresa over her sweet sister, because Theresa was such a spoiled and selfish child." Well, it was actually that the mother favored Theresa and turned her into a spoiled and selfish child, who then murdered two of her own children.
IMO I think it's became the scapegoat speaks the truth & the others go along with the "stories"! 😊
No it's that you develop a lot of empathy when you grow up with abuse of all forms. That makes you to a very sensible and caring person.
The absence of empathy from a narcissistic mother is extremely painful
Try being the mother of narcissitic kids after you healed yourself for years from your own family, the guy you had kids with that you didn't know was just like your family and now your kids are like this too... try that!!
I’m fortunate I could talk to my Dad ( most of the time)
Not my mom!
@@omnipotent451but did YOU rear them?
@@angel15550 OBVIOUSLY
Being the scapegoat hurts. More pain than you can explain to a narcissist.
Oh you can explain it very slowly over the course of several weeks in MANY different ways ;) BUT that's why I had to get saved. Jesus took care of all that and repaired what they did😂
Don’t tell them nothing, they aren’t listening & I wish you the best of luck
Ya know, it does hurt bit it doesn't ALWAYS have to hurt. I realized nothing unites a group of people like a common enemy. So they made me theirs. Even tho they won't tell you how good I was to any of them. Nor will anyone tell ME what's being said. So it is what it is. I have decided they are simply 10 people I used to know. I am now free of the vicious cycle , not understanding the sideways glances and standoffish behaviors. No.longer having to endure the unwarranted gut kicks out of the blue. The gossip, two faced disingenuous toxic environment. I feel relaxed, at peace, my new circle enjoys my company and I enjoy theirs. It's refreshing. I have rediscovered things I used to enjoy. It feels as if the world was lifted from my shoulders 😍🥰 I enjoy being alone. Never feel lonely, never cared what people thought
Certainly don't care now. GOD will judge me not humans why would I care ? ❤️
@@mememan2344 Amen to that!!!
@@vickigonya9432 I had to view it as "I am looking at a damned human being, who is going to hell by choice, and is Satan's happy servant".
When I was younger I was naive and thought everyone could be saved if you just talked to them enough. Not true unfortunately.
Blessings.
As the former scapegoat in a very sick narcissistic family, I can say this is 100% accurate.
Yes, sadly it is. The good thing is that we got the knowledge about their illness and tactics, so we can protect ourselves. I now understand and try to make peace with myself. ❤
I was the scapegoat.
It's just good to know it's not all in my head. This is frighteningly accurate.
Are black sheep naturally the scape goat?
Yep!!
It's actually quite insane really how nearly every enmeshed narcissistic family operates, functions and behaves pretty much exactly the same way isn't it.
As well as some workplaces
Being in this world where people like this are allowed to exist and thrive makes it all feel pointless.
Was just born to be demonized for standing up to a PDFfile?
@@f_youtubecensorshipf_nazis most humans today are weak spineless cowards living in their own bubble of truth.
Which is kind of why I can’t help but feel like those of us who have been put through the ring of fire were simply being battle-hardened ready for the days ahead.
@@f_youtubecensorshipf_nazis Your comment is a twisted mess of nonsense.
Mother is a narcissist,had to cut ties in the end,my brothers have ignored me ever since, still worth it. Be true to yourself.
Good. Very glad for you. They never deserved you and never were your family.
My mother is too narcissist, my siblings too.. They also narcissist ... Its very hard to accept
@@SakthiCIt gets easier the more time goes by and the more peace you have. I used to cry every night until I eventually healed and went to therapy and prayed or read scripture every time I would think about it and it helped as well as my hubby who helped me through it with all his love.
My sister is pretty much the same. She took our mom's side bc she needs her mom to pay her bills. She's always been our moms favorite while I (the oldest) was the kid she never wanted. Twelve yrs ago I walked away from my mom after she started treating my kids how she did me and my sister. My daughter was her pride and joy, my son reminded her to much of me and she was awful to him. Best decision I ever made was to walk away and be the best mom I could. My kids are now 15 and 17 and they back me up 100% in my choice.
I was the scapegoat in my family : took care of my mom and then walked away
My narcissist parents used to love to verbally attack me in situations where I could not easily escape. In a car. A boat. A restaurant. Places where they felt they had total control of me.
Ooh I can relate to the car and the boat scenario I got to the point where I didn't want to be in a car alone with anyone who had ever hurt me and my narc ex used to take me sailing and we would be in the middle of the Hudson River and I was always tempted to jump off the boat and swim to the nearest land
I feel for you. Nice to know I'm not the only one. I hope you are doing well now. @@leahflower9924
Yes!! The car screaming on the way home from school.
Or she was so blotto she was an hour late and almost gets in a wreck with my pals in the car.
Miracle I had pals And oh, that never happened.. my mom veering off the freeway in a nightgown with teens in the car.
I think I should join the therapy. Real life ones don’t get it and I’m typing too much.
Dinner table was classic.
@@bridgetsieger2261you're not alone ❤
A narcissistic family dynamic is nothing but a bunch of bullies who can't stand each other but will gather unite and stand banding together against the truth teller whenever they need to feed their ego and malicious intent.... It's cruel, and the only way I knew to handle it was to walk away!! Walk away from my family, my ex & his family, my church family, and anyone else who I deemed as a problem and a peace destroyer. I have too much living to do versus being stressed out by a bunch of envious adult babies with chips on their shoulders.
Ditto. They aRe weak, we are strong. I have gone 95% no contact.
Factsssss same
I have done the same, as much as I can always. I went no co tact 3/4yrs ago BUT the second I did they got ahold of my oldest daughter, a month before her 18th birthday. Went almost a year not getting to actively be her mom anymore and it was a pain I don’t wish on anyone. My daughter is still close with all of them and goes back n forth between us (our household family) and my narcissistic family- even though she admittedly sees everything they do and she doesn’t like it…… its so hard having that tie to them. My life would be so much better if they had absolute zero access to me, but Idk if giving my daughter an ultimatum would be the right thing to do- and idk if I feel that way due to the fear I have that she would likely choose them over me or if it’s because it just seems like an awful thing to do to a person making them choose between family. Then again it kills me inside that my daughter knows so much and has seen and heard for herself and knows for herself as an adult now everything they’ve done to me and she still chooses to remain close to all of them. Idk what to do
@Scapegoated_Soulmate
I'm going through the same with my adult son. I and both of my kids had to deal with the abuse from my ex. But he still chooses to stay in touch with his narc dad and his side of the family and my narc family (mother, stepdad, and brother), and I know they only use him to gain info about me and my youngest son.
All of whom I've gone no contact with. It does hurt, and you feel betrayed in a way.
He knows what and how his dad treated me was wrong, but he still wants his father's love, but he always tells me his relationship is mainly surfaced and not as close as he and I. But as a mom, We had to have a few difficult conversations, but I know I gotta let him make the best decisions for his life, but I also trust that he won't do anything intentionally to disturb my peace or disrespect my boundaries. Even though he has a lot of traits like his dad and has pushed me away and refused to take accountability for his behavior in the past and didn't wanna face certain truths about his actions toward me. But he knows I love him unconditionally regardless of his feelings towards me based on his mistreatment at times. We, as empathic mothers, gotta trust and know that we did the best we could and still go the extra mile for our adult kids, and sometimes, their behaviors towards us isn't always pleasant, and we become the emotional puniching bag and scapegoat. But I've learned to keep paying attention to what I need to be ok. And continue to protect my peace and give space when necessary, and those who need me know where to find me. Healing is a never-ending journey
So stay encouraged, friend. It will all work out.
You just described my family 100%. Dealing with this will literally kill you from stress and depression if you let it. Be wise and escape quietly and never look back. They always self destruct.
Or find someone to guilt/harass their way through the woes for them.
Many of them live to be in their 90s and beyond.
By the time I was in middle school I wanted to just disappear. I wish I'd joined the Navy about 20 years sooner than I had.
My mother has outlived all her family..and is proud of it..they don't disintegrate.
Wow ❤
I grew up with narcissistic parents. My counter, which I did by default and only realized later, was to become more educated and knowledgeable on any and every subject. You can't lie and manipulate someone who knows more than you. And, when I realized what they were, I disowned them and moved halfway across the country. You can't fix those people. You have to separate yourself. You can't be a good person surrounded by bad people.
trew. yup
I became a learning junkie, too. All kinds of subjects. They got nervous when I got dedicated to self-defense training. They still scapegoated me, but they started to keep some distance.
Seems we all had the same idea😂. When you can't depend on anyone around you, you become your own expert 😂😂😂
@@icalotdonthide2646 "No one saves us but ourselves."
@chrisbonnett6783 'You can't be a good person surrounded by bad people.' Well said. And you are spot on about 'knowledge' too. Enjoy your life of peace.
I walked away, cut contact with all of them, changed my country, citizenship and even my name. Only then i was able to feel safe enough for my healing to begin. Best decision ever.
Me too.
same its the only way out
OH, WOWWWW...THAT.IS.THE.DREAM. LUCKY ❤
Being denied family info was the nail in the family coffin for me. After father died, narc mother and my brothers started having family reunions at various places. I guess just keeping it a secret wasn't fun enough so mommy always made sure to spill the beans a couple months afterwards, then act surprised that I didn't know.
So damn mean! You need to cut off all contact and move away and be in your own life! It’s good healing! Otherwise it’s torture! I felt a huge sense of being FREE when my narcissist father died in 2019 even though I had not spoken to him since 2003! He lied and told people he disowned ME! I was the one who confronted his narcissist evil and destroying everyone and told him I likely won’t ever be back to visit again! This was in 2003 and I never spoke to him again!
My brother and mother would secretly go to my other brothers house with spouses and kids have a family get together without me. then the day after, my brother would send loads of pictures of the gathering and boast about how much fun they had. Then act like he didn't think I would be interested and going that's why he didn't tell me. But then why tell me about it the next day if you think I'm not interested.
These are examples of what the Bible refers to as "the fiery darts of the wicked."
Classic passive-aggressive gas-lighting...
One of my uncles did many shi**y things and spread lies about me. The last was he took my grandmother's ashes and scattered them without me, she was my guardian for 2 years and we were always very close, he resented me for having a good relationship with her. I'll never forgive him, that was the final straw. No heart, it was to punish me. It still makes me cry 7 years later.
This is me.
The abused scapegoat.
The truth teller.
Often referred to as being crazy by my narcissistic mother that is jealous of me.
Thank you for this information.
Same buddy ❤
Me, too!❤
🙋♀️
You get labeled "crazy" by the malignant NPD when the realization sets in for them that you simply can't/won't be controlled and subject to their bs anymore... is what it is.
Me too. Exactly. I have to say, I've suffered a lot, and did get diagnosed with schizophrenia two years ago when I was 58. On top of those narcissists and pscyhopths, I've got an internal one to persecute me.
"Why are you so mean now?"
- setting boundaries, no longer permitting abuse
...she did it first, can't acknowledge it, can't _discuss_ it with me like an adult, and was holding me back in every conceivable way.
Be glad I'm doing this _now,_ Mom.
Well done to you. My Mother was"I want my caring loving child back" my reply..."she has left the building" and I walked away...hard but slowly healing and gaining an identity. Stay strong and congratulations 🐐✨ free goat ⭐
Yup. I’ve been through this all. Even down to them keeping information away from me when my grandmother was sick. I am happy to be the scapegoat in my family because I am the one who got out of the toxic situation while they are all still stuck in the brainwashing.
We sold our home to a family who had 4 little girls. Just one little girl was always singled out & treated worse than the others! Dad was strict with them all, but the 3rd girl always had black eyes, as she hadn’t slept. The other girls didn’t look like that! They were all very well behaved. It was so long ago, & I’m 85 years old and a great grandmother. I still think about that little girl!😢
I have a similar experience. I saw a child treated like the slave and she had a bum leg.
It was at a craft fair. I think of this often. She was there… embarrassing pet/servant. That would never be gotten allowed with these days with phones and rules etc.
Oh that is heartbreaking and you are kind♥.
That is very sad. There are too many parents out there who abuse their children. I saw it while I was a little kid when I visited other kids houses.
I'm the scapegoat/truthseeker My family still hiding their dirt. I'm enjoying the silent treatment at this point in my life. Now that I'm older, I'm very aware. Thank you for your confirmation.
Don’t caretake the Narcissists.
Nope, let the “good” family members take care of you
When I was a child I had to take care of my family. You don’t say no to my mom!!!! I definitely was the scape goat.
Yep! I got out before Dad could pin mom's Alzheimers care on me. All while he had plenty of money to pay for care. He just wanted it done by me for free. It was all womens work and therefore beneath him. The golden child is unreliable and won't help. And of course is too precious to be forced to.
He started not caring for her to force me to. I pulled the alarm bell on my life and left the state. I will not sacrifice myself for these leaches anymore!
Some honor their parents despite the abuse.
@@jcimsn8464 I'm sorry they can't free their minds from slavery to child abusers. I wish them healing.
I guess I have work to do. When I decided to comment " the voice" in my head said, "Don't say anything that would embarrass your family" .
This one. We’re still silenced to a degree x. 😢
Thank u for your honesty with this. I deal with this a lot too.
I used to think I was going crazy about all the things that happened to me, that my family denied. I realised later on in my 40’s when I finally stepped away from them, what it was. A good friend pointed out I was their emotional punchbag, used to make them feel better. Now I know about Narcissists, it all makes sense.
Yes😢
Thank you Jerry for helping me become an “escaped goat”!!!
dnk I love this! An "escaped goat"...I'm going to borrow that one!! 😂
Love that, " escaped goat "
😂👍
@dnk4559; goat? never! escaped or not. Most good people are lambs 🐑and don't even know it IMO. 🐑 or 🐐?
💜
Triangulation & projection was the 'way of life' under Mom. I watched, I learned, rose above it. Making me stronger.
when/how old were you when you figured out what was wrong in your family? my mom was projecting onto me as far back as when i was 4 - that i remember. some very vividly. i remember when i was 7, seeing a kids help line commercial explaining what verbal/mental abuse was and rather than call the number, confronting my mom, telling her she was abusing me...she dared me to call and end up in a foster home. i just wanted her to stop, is all. but it wasn't until i was 50 or so, that i realized, despite having taken psychology classes in high school and college, trying to figure it out. it was youtube and my brother demonstrating narcissistic behaviours in a way that i couldn't NOT see it, that i realized what this was about way way too late and not until after a tornado of narcissism and abuse descended on me/my life and basically put the nail in the coffin my own mother put me in. it goes against nature/procreation - the whole point of life - to destroy via neglect and abuse, your own children. it makes no sense. but i don't doubt that if i'd had kids at 20 or 21, i might have been her or repeated her mistakes. i'll never know because it's too late now.
@@She_McGeeI threw tantrums as a young child and all my life tried to figure out what was wrong with ME. Discovered at 60, it wasn't me - I was mirroring 3 generations of raging narcissists. As a teen and younger adult, if I conveyed emotion or loneliness, my mother told me to wear more makeup or color. At 19, after I cut my hair short, my mom told me I was going to ruin my cousin's wedding pictures and handed me a tube of lipstick saying "you need all the help you can get." At 60, I realized it was pure projection. Do I wish I figured out all this earlier? Yes. But it's never too late. I don't rage anymore, and people love me with or without makeup. Better yet, I love myself. Love that inner child that didn't know better.
@@lynnbrown4364 i tried to runaway when i was 4. also, had an "invisible friend" who i sometimes use as a mediator with my mom ("suzy says....") I think/know I was rsther smart, too - so i talked back. One example, also around 4 or 5, i told my mom that she'd hurt my feelings, to which she taunted "oh really, where are your feelings, how do you know i hurt them if you don't know where they are?" and I pointed to the lump in my throat, saying it hurt there, so that must be where my feelings were. Wish i could go back and give that little girl a big hug, because i know for sure that was not my mom's reaction. Never once in my life did she apologize - no one in my family has ever apologized for anything, even when it was obvious they were wrong and wrongly accused me. it just got dropped, like it never happened. it really amounts to ego - a parent needing to be superior, right, better - WIN against their own child. At any cost.
@@lynnbrown4364is Mom still with you? My Mom was the narcissist who tortured my 3 sisters and me. She’s still alive and still trying to scapegoat us. But she has dementia now so acts like an angry child. I feel like giving her a bit back but instead, I just avoid her. Sad that it comes to that. She hasn’t spoken to my youngest sister in 30 years now, I know what she’s capable of.
@redrose-wb4bw I know it must be painful for you. My mom died at a young 66. Her final "gotcha!" was 3 months after she died, I discovered evidence of a 30 year affair as I was cleaning out her drawers. My father had no clue, and we never told him. She died 16 years ago. Now that I recognize her as a narcissist who learned from the best, I concentrate on breaking the Karmic bond and appreciating her good points of which, thank God, she had many. All the best to you. Love yourself and keep your boundaries strong!
I wish I had known you years ago - you have described my growing up exactly. I was always compared to my sister the 'golden' child, and even though I gained excellent academic results, had a good career, looked after myself etc.. I was never 'good enough'. I eventually moved to a city only 60 miles away, and although I did the car run hundreds of times, they never ever came to see me, there was always an excuse. The day I said 'no more' was the start of a new life- just wish I'd done it sooner.
You are describing my life except I moved 8 hours away but in a city that was along a major cross country interstate highway. My narc mother and her husband would drive all over the USA in their RV and never tell me that they were in my small city (20 minutes to get across town). But they would stop and see other people in the same town. Also, they would stop in another city and visit my sister, the golden child. I was the straight A student, college graduate, had a great career, paid for my own homes, purchased my own vehicle, and bettered my life with each step upward. I could see the hatred in her eyes because I did what she couldn't do despite her efforts to destroy my spirit.
I was a single parent so we spent a lot of time with my family and I realised too late that my now adult daughter has been influenced by seeing how I was treated in my family despite being the main carer for my elderly parents. My mother died recently and my sister's attitude towards me worsened, we are no longer speaking and my daughter took her side although we did resolve it. The worst thing is always being seen as the troubled, unstable one. I am the only one who has gone to therapy and am constantly working on myself.
Same here!
❤️
I am sorry that your daughter has been influenced by this. I married into it and I did see some red flags early on, but I was young and thought things would get better through time, but they have only gotten worse and I have very low/no contact with my in-laws. I am glad that you are working on yourself. It can be so lonely, but worth the peace and sanity.
I have that exact same story but with 2 daughters. By raising them around my mother and sister I unknowingly sabotage my relationship with my own daughters
@@sistadreponl7152
I was not able to understand initially why my husband detached from his family after a few years into our marriage but now it makes sense. He wanted to stop the dysfunction for our children and family!
I never saw myself as a scapegoat just that I didn't fit in. But I am one. Isolating me is a big one as well as insulting and talking down to me. Our parents are deceased and our immediate family is very small. I refuse to spend Thanksgiving this year with them. I will be alone with my pets. We are all old enough to know better. We were not raised this way. They know very well what they do and the effects it has had on me
I’m sorry. ♥️ I hope you can find peace at this Holiday. I’m trying my hardest to just make it pleasant for just my husband and I this year. It’s a new start of being alone, BUT being ok with it. Less stress & drama.
This is definitely my life’s story, I’d come for holidays and they would barely speak or not at all. They would also watch how much food I put on my plate or make little smart comments. I haven’t been out there since 2020, I’d rather spend the holidays alone than deal with their toxicity.
My husband and I have found we are much happier and have by far more peaceful and pleasant holidays celebrating by ourselves or with close friends, rather than visit family down in TN for the holidays (we live in KY). It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. Hoping you all have the same experience!!
On thanksgiving days there are a lot of people that are alone . Look up shelter centres where you either can join or volunteer to work .
Or churches .
@@fightback397 I may actually do this ! Great idea
"The narcissist is accusing you of the very things THEY are doing" - SPOT ON. A close family member has been doling this out for years and his wife is on board and my fear is that they will bring their children into the fold for more ammunition. I have chosen to step away from the abuse but will miss the time with the children.
Yes
They will grow up and wonder who u really are, they'll be suffering in that dysfunction so if and when they seek u out, u can show them what love & joy they've missed! It's a sad reality with so many families! 😢❤
You just explained my entire life & family dynamics. Wish I could join your live class. I’ve been holding on to this for a very long time. Mourning an entire family.
mine too. My mother and elder sister have been a tag team for nearly all my life.My Dad is sweet enough but weak.An enabler. My other sister is also sweet enough but prefers to be a tortoise and keep out of the hard conversations which is all about her self-preservation. The withholding information has been so difficult to understand including my parents being in hospital and both my siblings keeping it from me, not being told about family events , people going to functions , funerals or trips without telling me, changing the kid's school without telling me, and buying a new car! I often expect that I'll go to my parent''s /family home one day and every one will have moved without telling me. It's awful but by God's grace ,I'm still here and finally thriving. Going no contact has been life changing.
You’re not alone in doing this to protect yourself. It’s very difficult but you can live your own life, finally. You’ve got this!!!
You're not alone in this.
i'M mourning my family too. It only ever worked when I absorbed all of the projections. The moment I defended myself and stood firm in my own interpretation of events, I was mad/bad/sad, isolated, given the silent treatment, other members of the wider family were drafted in to give me the silent treatment, then I was gaslighted ''it was just your perception that we gave you the silent treatment'' so you're not on your own. I'm grieving my ''family''.
It’s really painful ..been scapegoated my whole life and it has caused me anxiety depression and high blood pressure ..you have to find a way to heal and get therapy and move on with people who care about you ..they will literally kill you if you don’t
OMG I was not told when my sister went in for lung cancer surgery....she lost an entire lung . I found out from a family friend. I am persona non grata, now....the reason every one's life is screwed up. I am that POWERFUL 👌 😂😅
Same here (in the non-fatal sense) though I would NEVER CRY EXACTLY if my older NARC sister would suffer from that fate...I CANNOT even "love from a distance" by THAT POINT. Thankfully I am NO CONTACT FOR LIFE against her for years now
I am Death, destroyer of Holidays, bringer of Extreme Annoyance, causer of Anxiety. The world shall look upon me and tremble at my power.
I was never told my mum was sick until the day she died.
Funny...I didn't want anyone to know I had c--cer but felt morally obligated to tell them because me having it automatically put my sister (whom I harbour absolutely no ill feelings towards) at higher risk. I should've kept it to myself like I'd originally wanted to. Sigh.
Thanks to a childhood I won't get into, I have MAJOR trust issues which is why I'm a private person...especially with family.
Now give her your lung, go on!! It will still be on you. 😅
This brought up many images.
I didn't know I was the family scapegoat/black sheep until my golden child sister passed, and her executors, exact clones of my sister, or vice-versa... they are all alike, stoic, unemotional, control freak teachers...
Mom, and these women, all were/are covert narcissists.
This sudden discovery of family abuse was dropped on me suddenly, when the sister's executors shamed me using the very same words used on me as a child. I'm 73.
This happened 6 months ago, and I, just now, am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel after dealing with the rage hurt, depression, this discovery caused. I'm not free of this yet... but every day, I get incrementally better.
I'm searching for wherever my motivation went... my fun loving self, I miss the old artistic, creatively driven me... the brilliant musician/performer. I hope he shows up soon... i miss that guy.
For decades, I “wore” the belief that I was the reason for the divorce, and family breakdown. “If only I’d been a better child…we would be together as a family”. A therapist told me “stop wearing this. YOU, were a girl…a child and YOU, were NOT responsible for the health of the family!!! Your parents were. THEY, are the reason for the falling apart of the family, not you”. As I allowed that to sink in, I was able to let it go.
Same here. I didn’t understand what a narcissist was until two years ago. I’m in my mid 40’s so it was a long time of thinking that everything was my fault. Fast forward to today I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and have been no contact for over 12 years.
@bradyryan5105 Your parents must've been treating you very badly to make you act out so strongly at such a young age. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Glad it worked because it can be stated but only is effective if believed and internalized because the negative side already has been.
It's not your fault. It's the parents' job, they are responsible.
So happy for you!
After my grandparents died I realize the family I was in was just relatives. That’s it!
"Relatives" who AREN'T very relative...🥴
Good point!
Yep!
Yep, my brother is now referred to as an abusive sibling that used me as a disposable resource. Perspective changes work wonders.
After my grandmother died who was my guardian my relatives aunt and uncles to my cousins all were and wonder why my mental health being escape goat and the black sheep 😢 tried three attempts
We scapegoats are strong willed. And do not let being strong willed be a problem just like you were told by your narcissistic mother and father. Being strong willed is exactly how I survived the abuse and attacks. I also look at it as a blessing inside of a curse now. I don't find myself feeling sorry for myself anymore. I have turned the table on the enemy. I am strong, I am brilliant, I am resilient, I am wise. These were all things I had to become while underneath the roof of narcissistic parents. But today because of my training I'll call it, I am able to manage very well this crazy time that we are living in. So anyone who is listening.... please look at what you became after the trauma. Don't look at the trauma itself because you will suffer self pity and never get out of it. Instead look how you were able to endure it and now you are more strong,wise, and stable because of it.
We are strong. They are weak.
Absolutely ❤
We keep calling it a “scape goat” but in reality chosen one’s, beautiful brothers and sisters in reality, you have been rendered into a sacrificial lamb. The Lord sees. May God bless you.
Wow! What a beautiful way to put it! And so true. It is my faith that has been saving my life. If it weren't for Him, I would not be here. No fooling. God bless you!
I like it ❤
Thank you for this. I used to self sabotage for so many years thinking I was cursed and wrecking my brain and being depressed wondering how I could be treated so bad when done nothing to them. Helped them even when I never got the same inreturn.
You sound exactly like what I've went through, I'm 47 now and knew for years something was deeply wrong with my family, I was treated harshly and critically, mocked and belittled, they never took what I said seriously as if I didn't deserve to voice my opinions, I didn't know I was a scapegoat but do now, I've self sabotaged so much in my life due to being treated less than, but i had therapy early this year that helped me to understand boundaries, I've tried to put them boundaries in place it's been extremely hard to do so, but I've started to gain some self respect for myself and my family upper the ante on me, i did explode and now im cutting contact they are no good for my mental health and i need to isolate away from all of them, hope your okay hope your situation has changed for the better, big hugs to you
They will make you out to be the WORST kind of person if you dont allow them to control you. You are not alone. Find your tribe honey, people who are more like you are and less like them THEN you will be ALOT happier. 😊
@@elaineanderson2989 They are intra species predators (actually they are another species, not fully human).
@@Tracy-qz8psyour account of your life with your family sounds identical to mine. At family gatherings I was demeaned belittled and humiliated in front of everyone for voicing my own opinions, expressing my own tastes in music and my brother replying you always had bog standard and mediocre tastes in music, in front of all to hear.
I tried cutting them of years ago. Did not visit for Xmas. I was on my own then. It was very lonely. Then when I was getting married I thought it right to tell them. They invited themselves down for the wedding at the local registar. For a time they were "nice" towards me. Just as I felt comfortable and secure the abuse started to creep in again. Me and my husband were not invited to my nephew's wedding and was not told about it until 2 months after the event. I realise now my nephew despises and looks down on me.
They hurt me through turning on my husband and labelling him a "creep" when he never said a bad thing ever against them and is the best thing that ever happened to me. I cut them off 2 years ago I am having therapy and aim to get off the anti depressants.
relate. self-sabotage and depression (cPTSD in my case) is brutal, debilitating.
I was the scapegoat child..I grew up and had a isolated lonely life. When the narcissists get old and die they came back to me to sort out their problems yet they were never there for me.
I was moms & siblings scapegoat. I’ve started the process. Recently, I no longer show up to family events. I only communicate through texts. I no longer visit their homes, I stopped visiting in 2021 (that was the very beginning of the process). I have no opinions. I deleted them from social media. I love this peace. ❤
That’s me …
Me too. But the only way is to sever all communications..took me 66 years to figure this out. It's sick and diabolical..it will never get better. We must stop trying
@@Andrea-yq9oiI am 64 years old. At 42 years old I first cut off my abusive family members. At 51 years old I was getting married and they showed up at my wedding. They expressed gladness that we were all together again after so long and I started to feel guilty. They were "nice"to me for a while and I went back to family gatherings. As soon as I felt comfortable and secure the abusive behaviour crept back in and also towards my husband who is the one decent person in my life. They insulted him to hurt me. I finally cut them off 2 years ago. I finally learnt at 62 years old not to feel guilty about looking after myself. I learnt the lesson that they desperately need me as scapegoat to focus all their problems on. I have cut down my anti depressants and having therapy.
The wonderful thing about the road to recovery is realizing the ludicrously of it all. When someone lies to me about me to me, I break out laughing.
Mine still tries to tell me how I feel! We've fought more than once or twice about "my tone". The other day I called and was told repeatedly I was in a "bad mood" right away when I answered, I repeatedly said I wasn't. After 3 or 4 times of this back and fourth I hung up and texted that i had been in a good mood til he insisted I wasn't and argues with me about it til I hung up. Not long after I call at 11 am and apparently he was asleep, I asked to call later and was insisted upon it was a good time to talk. When I asked about picking up mail then all hell broke loose and it was suddenly a huge ordeal. Later when I asked what the big deal was because that was not appropriate to yell at me over picking up mail then it was "i was in a good mood til you called" always manipulative. Never accepting responsibility. Decided to be a dick to retaliate me not taking his guff from the other day. I am communicating via text now so things are in writing because I was gaslit about being able to go home to pick up my charger and stuff before leaving for Christmas dinner. I was below 15% and asked if I could go down the road before heading out town to meet, it would take 10 extra minutes. "Let's just do it some other time then" so i said ok I guess if it's like that can you bring a charger then to the restaurant. Didn't bring it or didnt offer it idk...I had to go to Walmart after to get one to make it there drive back to my city. Later I'm told I could've gone to get my stuff first, "its only 10 mins I could've waited" not that day apparently. I asked because he is saying that's not the case that he called it off when I wanted to get it, so I asked "why on earth if I had a chance, would i not just go get my stuff first so i wiuldnt have to buy a chrager?" No response or "idk"
Giving someone the silent treatment can be used as a weapon, but growing up with 2 narc parents I used the silent treatment to protect myself.
When my covert narcissist grandma was setting up for some proper emotional terrorism I'd always say to myself "pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip."
My daughter always like to try to use the guilt trip thing on me and she would become extremely Furious because guilt doesn't work on me.
Ima use that. That's good lol.
" Guilt trip," that's funny ! I know it wasn't funny when it was going on, though .
When my Mam started getting into one of her humours it was time to go out 😲
Heh. Say it to her face. Call out all of the bs techniques she uses as she uses them.
When she shuts up & leaves you alone: "Finally!" /Shrek 🤣
I was excluded from family celebrations for 2 years with no explanation until my BIL confessed out of the blue that he had lied that I had tried to seduce him. No apologies of course when the truth was out. Mother was caught in the act of triangulating through my cousin, helped me understand why one by one family members were ghosting me. Best thing I did was walk away in 2010.
Not attending thanksgiving this year was one of the best thanksgivings I’ve ever had. Same tomorrow. About to go to the movies and relax.
Oh yeah, I was the scapegoat and my mother smeared me to as many relatives as possible. I thank our Heavenly Father that I had an aunt who could see what was really going on and would take me every Easter, Christmas and Summer vacations to get me away from her. If she had not, I think I would have gone insane...
My aunt was more like a mother than Sharron (birth person) was. A neighbor once told me that Sharron "never had one good word to say about you". She lied, obviously.
Greenlighting crappy behavior was my Father's favorite game. From siblings and neighborhood kids even. He did nothing but undermine and humiliate me. Most passive-aggressive man I've ever met to this day. It was constant, like the prick had made a job of it.
Another isolation tactic was just not telling me anything. I never knew where or what the family was doing. They "ditched" me frequently and there were times I literally had no idea where they had gone or what they had been doing.
Yeah that's not right.
Same here as in never telling me where everyone was going.
@@TheLordsbattleaxe The neighbors used to ask me if I was adopted. True story.
@@markw999 I always felt like I was adopted for most of my life but there was no way for either 'parent' to ever admit that when I asked them if I was. I look like neither 'parent' and it is very bizarre and suspicious to say the least.
@@TheLordsbattleaxe Full story: my Borderline/Narcissistic mother cheated on my father so many times there was no telling who's kid I was. Of the three of us, I didn't resemble him in any way. Being raised by an angry, passive-aggressive cuck was a bitch, I tell you.
Im done with my narc family.. I don't care anymore. They can do whatever they want but not with me anymore. Im out of this forever. That was the best decision of my life. Since than I feel so much better and i healed.. There is no coming back for them. This door is closed forever!
God bless you my friend 🌹🌼
I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS MY WHOLE LIFE AND IT'S REALLY SAD!!!!
I can relate... hugs
Now, I understand why, when my mother didn't like something her children did, said, or wore, she would always call us by the name of someone she detested or saw as foolish. It was exhausting, but more so, demeaning and hurtful.
We got the same treatment. When mother didn't like the way one of us kids was acting (behavior we got from our father Karl of course ) she would ask... Karl when did you walk in the door? Effectively putting him and us down at the same time.
Oh, they love labelling. Their own deep insecurities and loathing thrives off of it.
Yes! My mother would say, on a daily. You are just like your father. Putting us both down as if we were the most horrible people alive.
@@bradyryan5105 I’m sorry♥️. I still to this day , in my 50s , still have no idea why she hated me so much. I wonder to this day why. I was a little girl, 5 yrs old, picking that up. She just always resented me for some reason. And I have basically begged for her love, attention & answer to that question & have never received any of it. It was just easier for her to be hateful towards me. Sad to see there are so many of us dealing with childhood trauma. Prayers for you 🙏🏼
Yes, I was an academic and artistic prodigy, but Mom frequently called me by the name of a cousin, who was severely retarded due to physical, sexual and psychological abuse. Perhaps she was projecting the shame of her own actions as a malignant narcissist and abuser.
For everyone that has had to suffer through this type of abuse, my heart goes out to you. May you find wisdom and strength to navigate the waters and come stronger and wiser than you've ever been. Evil can never triumph over good. Stay strong.
Happened to me. My brothers wanted me to do something I couldn’t afford to do, so I refused to participate. It was amazing to see how quickly all of my family turned against me.
I'm going through this right now since I stopped helping my crazy family members growing their illegal weed selling. Never wanted to do it but had to, currently been in years of manipulation and scheming and lies.
Me too..refused to go grandiose on her 90th birthday?
I'm in no contact with my father more than 5 years, he is now invisible to me and I still get shivers when I think how he demeaned me in public hundreds of times
Me too. And he had a heart attack in March (which I found out about 6 months later because he asked my brother not to tell me). He thinks he’s punishing me. He’s only polluting himself and isolating himself
Wow! It was like mirroring my entire life with my narcissitic arrogant family. You hit the nail on the head and made me realise what I endured as a child. The trauma of being the victim to their narcissistic and tyrannical ways. Now, as an adult, who distanced herself from them, a long time ago and succeeding on my own, they want to see me again. That is never going to happen. I will never give them the opportunity of ever terrorising me ever again.
Don't let them it's undoubtedly a trap!!
It doesn't seem to matter what the dynamic playing out is. By this I mean Jerry is describing various behaviors that may or may not resonate for some of us. We all have different stories to tell. What is the same across every story is that we are the outsider. We are not allowed to express concerns, opinions, investigate, understand what is happening because no one else sees our viewpoint as mattering . They do not view our needs as worthy of being addressed. We want to talk and work things out. We want to fix the problem but they see us as the problem. They don't see the family dynamic as the problem that must be seriously and completely addressed if healing is going to occur. Healthy people work together. They want everyone's needs to be met and make reasonable efforts to do so. They can admit their role in a problem or at least validate someone's view of their behavior. Healthy people include. They do not exclude. They care enough about their family to work on problems as everyone's problem.
Compromise is what people who are loving do. When a relationship is one-way, well, it isn't a relationship.
You can't "work with" narcissists Nancy. They will not acknowledge that they have a problem, &/or that they are part of a problem. They never get better.
This is my experience in my family.
dear Nancy, thank you for
your comment simply put
nothing extravagant
I couldn't believe there could be
an inclusive family
where you are heard and excepted
most significant time was when
my father returned to the Lord and
I actually realized in what mess
(family) I was in until then
he had been the thermostat
balancing the dynamics representing my perspective as well
Exactly! Great way of putting it. My thoughts as well.
That's why I'm committed to NO CONTACT FOR LIFE back against my three EX-SIBLINGS at 50-yrs old for a few years now
I experienced a 3 year narcissistic smear campaign involving my entire social system, with my separated spouse being the teller of the most heinous lies against me. They all gave input on how to make his divorce petition as cruel as possible. I was definitely cast as someone who “suddenly changed for the worse.” I did a complete emotional cutoff and became a trauma coach. I broke free of the enmeshment and from the family. Thank you Jerry. ❤
I cried because this was me in my family and how they made it appear to the rest of my family. I had to completely sever my ties with my whole biological family. This was like having multiple deaths happen at one time. I had been married 2 different times to 2 different narcissists. I wondered why I was attracted to such men. I started getting trauma help. I ended up marrying for the last time to a wonderfully loving man, that takes care of me and my children. That move of marrying him, lead my brother to come and threaten my husband and myself after we got married. One because my family wasn’t excepting of him, 2, I dared, as a 44 year old woman with 4 kids to get married in spite of this without my folks or other family present. Since the day my brother threatened us, we went no contact. I still love my parents and brother. I still pray for them and have forgiven them, but it doesn’t mean I have to stay in that toxic environment and won’t let my children be effected by their manipulation and projection and gaslighting. Just done. Trying to raise my children to live lives that honor God and that love people wisely.
Wow you may have no idea how similar your story is compared to others. Yeah, your godly marriage changed their twisted narrative about you that stemmed from toxic hatred and pride. Did you need to get a court ordered Restraining Order against him?
Feel like I may be going through the same thing only it's happening to me after ACTUALLY experiencing multiple deaths of loved ones. I think spirituality and mushrooms are the only reasons I'm still here. 😂
Amen to you last sentence. You d9 what is best and safe for your family. I don't have children yet, but I want to protect them from these things.
I am happy for you that you found a loving man and got away. ❤️
I am so proud of you dear
I’m the child of a narcissistic mother. I healed myself by distancing and then finding myself after years of suffering and self abuse. This video describes my maternal family to a “T”. Thanks for this clarifying talk Mr. Wise!❤
God bless you!
so sorry I know your pain
Shout out to all the people who have expressed how the SGOAT is always the best in the family, but more importantly, while we are are sensitive and empathic we have an inner strength and resilience they choose us for - because we have the stones to “handle” it. ❤❤
This was my whole upbringing and continued into my 40s. When it started to extend beyond the immediate family, to the spouses, cousins and nieces and nephews, I just went 'no contact'.
Yes it's like a cancer that spreads (due to the narc's subtle smear campaign). If the extended family chooses to drink their poison kool aid about you, they become just like the narc and it's band of worshipful idiots.
I was totally the scapegoat and was told I was stupid continuously whilst my father also had a favourite child who could get away with anything. He’s dead now, thank god but they still act in the same way. I’ve been much more successful than the rest of my family in adult life and have loaned all of them money in the past, yet one of my sisters stole a load of money from me 20 years ago and I got the blame for her stealing. She even said “ if our father was still around he wouldn’t have let you treat me like this” when she was confronted about stealing money from me.
My siblings got money for homes etc. not me. But that is okay because I always felt their money was cursed.
My mom would always guilt trip me about how much it cost to raise me, as if I set the cost of clothing and food myself. No matter that I started working at 13 (the only kid out of three of us that was required to work) in the family business without getting any wages
You were manipulated.
@@brennadickinson2920 And enslaved.
Emotional Blackmail….written by Susan Forward. I read this book 20 years ago and I highly recommend it. It opened the window to my healing. Boy was my mother good at this. She continues to manipulate using fear, obligation, guilt. Because I went no contact, I thought I was free but realized as I read this book that I was still operating as her robot. I sought professional help and never looked back.
I have wondered if I have been operating as my parent's robot in no contact as well.
I'm going to buy that book, thanks for the suggestion
Thanks for the reminder. I own that book, will read it again.
My abusive sibling, would flip the script on me, if I were to say- your were the golden child, and I had been the scapegoat. That why I’ve been no contact for two decades…
This was so powerful , This is my mum and as a result Ive had no contact with my family for 3 years. But Ihave peace. My final straw was when I was in hospital fighting for my life I found out my mother never turned up to "say goodbye etc" after recovery and when I got speech back etc I rung my mother (6 months had gone by)and said where were you , I have never been so scared and her response ? You only ever think about yourself , did you not ever think about how I might feel having a sick child. That was the final straw , I hung up , moved into the bush , got rid of all socia media etc and now have a very peaceful rich life. The comments are so comforting to know im not the only one who has gone though this
It never ceases to amaze me, that no matter how different we are, how far apart we are, or how varied and unique our circumstances might have been; we survivors (and thrivers after all is said and done); have the same fundamental experiences trying to cope with narcissistic abuse. Trauma is trauma, no matter how it is disseminated! I am very thankful for all who are here, sharing and helping each other through the rough spots. Thanks for your post, and I'm a little jelly of you out there in the bush! 😉
My mother used to say "you want to make me ill? well, then you have to make me ill....", whenever I spoke the truth about shady things going on in the family, or her lying outright. She finally had a stroke and blamed me for it (I was far away and lived on a different continent). Nobody in the family questioned it, to this very day.
Delusional, they are.
@@earthgoddess4779 Thank you. It always feels good to put a name to it, doesn't it? And it gets better: after my mother had turned the whole family against me, excluded me from all family functions for fifteen years, after my Dad's funeral, I confronted her with the fact that she had told everyone that I had caused her stroke. She was enraged: "I never said such a thing! It was your Dad's fault, he had told me to stop taking my blood pressure medication. It had nothing to do with you!!" Declaring me insane. Nothing but blank stares when I told my siblings. It did not change anything in their world. Whatever the facts were, I was the scapegoat.
@troll23-troll23 WOW, that is crazy! Thank you for sharing that.
I went through something similar. However, I just decided to stay away.
Reading what you shared after confronting the matter assures me I did the correct thing by staying away.
Goodness, I am so sorry you had to be retraumatized like that. I hope you have stayed away and had time to heal.
Blessings to you💫🫂. You're not alone in this weird scenario.
@@earthgoddess4779 Thanks again, that is very kind of you. Retraumatization, they are so good at that! Adding insult to injury. Yes, I have just stayed away from her funeral. It's not how you imagine life to be, but it was the only logical thing to do. Funerals are very loaded occasions, and the participants highly volatile. Theoretically crucial moments like a death in the family could be warm and loving, but not in scenarios we are talking about here. I don't expect anything to change, as my "golden child" narcissistic brother has already taken on her legacy and behaves just like her. And my sister plays along happily...staying away for good seems to be the only solution. The next generation is so damaged already, they don't even know how much. It will be interesting to see if anyone of them steps out of the system, now that the "family matriarch" is gone.
Take it as a blessing! God set you free ,I also live far away from my family ( In Peace) ❤️💕💕🎉
"I don't know where you got that from!" I hear it daily....
Suuuuuure they don’t - but do they even try to clear things up or, god forbid, reassure you instead of just walking off after labeling you a villainous sh!t judge of character? Nah!
Yes! Exactly what my narcissistic and abusive family have abused me to no end and blame me for everything! I asked for a healthy relationship and they put me on the street and made me homeless for calling them on their abuse!
Nailed it. And we have changed to them for the worst, because we are not the same conforming person we used to be
Amen Debra. Our big "CRIME" was differentiating into: 1-WHO WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE (separate from them), plus, into 2-BEING HEALTHY!
I have never heard of narcissistic family dynamics before. I could relate to every single one of these as the scapegoat. They tried to ruin my wedding 15 years ago and have given me the silent treatment ever since. What I thought was such a sad experience and being undeserving of a lovely wedding day has turned into a blessing. I wouldn’t have my husband and my 4 beautiful children have been spared from living with the hell of this messed up existence.
What bothers me is that I have to go out of my way to research and learn in order to manage my interactions. I wish for us all to let love in 💖 Thank you for being a resource!
One day, I went to my mom's to talk about some things, she is a narcissist. I had smoked one before I went, as green helps me calmly explain my feelings, I'm less likely to get angry, but I do feel more comfortable talking about my feelings, and more comfortable crying...my narcissistic mother didn't like feeling uncomfortable so when I was telling her how I felt, she held her hands up and told me "I'm not talking to you when you are like this, I don't want to be around you when you are high"...she didn't like feeling guilty for the tears I was shedding, the cracking of my calm voice, the real of the conversation. This video has described my life. My mother's mother is a narcissist. Her sisters, my sister have all ganged up on me several times. They will all block me give me the silent treatment for weeks, even months. My mom has used my siblings in her psychological games. To the point when I've tried to talk to them, they think I'm just being mean to mom. I saw a poster of the narcissistic family dynamic when I was in rehab and that was when everything made sense. I didn't ever know she was a narcissist nor I the scapegoat or Rebel. I've called them all out several times, the new game over the last few years has been trying to plant seeds of doubt in my head as far as my relationship goes.
Fuck them, stop caring!
00:56 🔄 Gaslighting is a common trait in narcissistic families, manipulating the scapegoat's perception of reality and making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings.
01:51 🤐 The silent treatment is used to isolate the scapegoat when they bring up uncomfortable truths or secrets within the family, creating a powerful but abusive form of punishment.
02:47 🔄 Triangulation involves bringing in a third party to form coalitions against the scapegoat, often leveraging individuals who are easily manipulated to create emotional alliances against them.
04:51 🎭 Projection is a tactic where the dysfunctional family blames the scapegoat for everything they think, feel, or do, creating a distorted narrative to deflect attention from their own issues.
05:48 📊 Competitive comparisons are used to erode the scapegoat's self-esteem by constantly comparing them unfavorably to others, assigning value based on societal standards.
07:26 😔 Emotional blackmail, combining guilt and manipulation, is employed to control and punish the scapegoat, often questioning their love or loyalty.
08:23 🚫 Invalidation is a form of punishment where the opinions, memories, and beliefs of the scapegoat are disregarded, making them feel invisible within the family dynamic.
09:16 🔄 Selective memory is used to deny or distort past events, making it difficult to hold the dysfunctional family accountable for their actions, leaving the scapegoat frustrated.
10:36 🙅♂ Scapegoats are often cast as "unbelievable," "manipulative," and having changed for the worse, contributing to their isolation within the family.
11:53 ⚖ Scapegoats are wrongly labeled as the true cause of family anger and divisions, unfairly shouldering the blame for the dysfunctional dynamics within the family.
12:37 🤐 Information is withheld from scapegoats, casting them as undeserving of family updates and events, further isolating them from crucial family matters.
13:31 🔀 Scapegoats are paradoxically seen as both detached and over-enmeshed, projecting onto them a sense of detachment while simultaneously obsessing about their actions and decisions.
Yes
Thank you, I wanted to remember all the important points and this was really helpful. I'm very grateful to people like you who take the time to do things like this. Thanks again.
Thanks so very much this is right on ! 🎉god bless you always ❤amen
Nothing like wondering every year if you'll be invited for Christmas.
Thank you for posting this comment.
I wrote letters, detailing the abuse. I have not sent them yet, but writing helped me grow and understand completley what they (did/are doing) to me. What they have been doing to my child. Facing it, and learning about it has been so empowering.
My father passed away in 2020, my sister and her daughter tried to get POA and they were caught in the act, because I stopped it, spoke the truth, I lost 98% of my so called family. They turned everyone against me, I had to mourn 98% of them. My mother passed 2023, and I finally walked away and I am so very happy now. No contact is the best thing I have ever done! I can truly mourn my parents now and I can smile because God, myself, husband, 1 sister and 1 brother knows the truth. I'm the youngest of 9
My mother stated that when she passes away the calm will rein .... is she aware of her doings???
I was the scapegoat for my family. Alcoholic dad, narcissitic mom. Mother turned my sisters against me for years and I was subjected to almost everything you talked about. I was ridiculed as crazy and all sorts of things. Fortunately, we all came to places in our lives that brought us to counseling and treatment, and gradually began talking to each other about all that stuff. Thankfully, we all have good relationships today.
Glad you found healing it’s dangeous
Thank you for sharing a story of healing in your family. I am holding some small hope for my own, the next generation and I hope we can break this generational curse. I’m grateful there’s much more information out there now for everybody to access, even though my siblings have scapegoated me too. I have some small signs of change, but I know I can’t rely on them and will have to see how things play out.
All of these are so accurate! However the one about casting the victim as 'unbelievable', hit hard. Frequently I get asked questions. I reply honestly, according to my perception of an event or objectively according to fact, yet I'm the one spinning stories to make others look bad.🤦♀️ Like, why even ask if nothing I say matters?
Yup - and if they’re not content with simply dismissing the perception (and ensuing feelings) that you just “shouldn’t have”, here come the accusations of imagining sh!t and thinking you can read everyone’s minds to put words in their mouths/lend them intentions for earnestly trying to fill in / make sense of the blanks they leave to maintain plausible deniability
@@privatelyprivate3285 Also known as crazy making.
🙌🏾 this is the biggest one everyone will go around you asking you the same question until they believe your telling the truth it’s sick and twisted.
I cannot tell you just how thankful that I am for coming across your page. This explains my life perfectly. It’s inhumane and abusive to treat someone this way. I isolate myself from the pain of it all, but it is impossible to understand fully.
I was the scapegoat. Our 85 yo mother, the narcissist, has dementia now. It is sad, but she no longer has control.
Don't go near her!
She may have some control. Did she turn everyone against you? Did she leave you out of her will? There are ways to control beyond lucidity.
Yes, she turned everyone against me.Yes she tried to manage me from the will.
But, she was ultimately was unsuccessful. My sisters stepped in. Three of the four of us are now very close.
We are lucky bc the woman who was mean, and vengeful is now nice. It’s weird. So many people with dementia become mean… she was mean and has become nice. She has rewritten her past… we are okay with it.
At 6:52 I just wanna add a word and make it: "iIn a narcissistic family, you are assigned a "LOW" value.
It also hopes to convince you to "buy" that "low" value as "the ultimate reality".
Great distinction: Breaking free from family (cutoff) is not the same as breaking free from family enmeshment.
Insist that everybody go to a family dinner, where everybody is drinking and some are even very drunk and then chastise the scapegoat simply for enjoying themselves like everybody else. Even to the point of making up fake incidents thinking the target won't remember everything they said and did! It is absolutely nuts.
Yes!!!
True
Oh my. I wonder how thay would react next time as you set a tape recorder in the middle of the table “so [ you] can remember all the happy time [ they] are having with you.” I bet it would be a short silent sober meal!!
Scapegoats may not know they are scapegoats because a lot of gossiping, plotting and scheming goes on behind the scapegoat's back.
The scapegoat isn't even aware of all that's going on behind her back. She's out of the loop by design. In the meantime, the rest of the family has gleefully cooked up schemes to torment her and cut her off at the knees so she can never escape.
If she does leave, a new scapegoat will have to be found, and they "will" be found (often preselected long ago). Having been on the parent's "team" for so long, the new scapegoat knows full well the horrors that await them. They'll be next to get the knife in the back. Live by the narcissist, die by the narcissist.
@@TheJoyWarrior Yes. We all know your family.
Makes me feel kinda bad for my siblings. They're all too scared to rock the boat. Wonder which one(s) took my place...
I feel bad but not THAT bad. They all btch about it but do nothing. Our whole lives it's been that way. I was the only one with balls. They could leave or at least go LC if they truly wanted to but they won't. I pity them but I don't feel all THAT bad for leaving them. It's complicated but I'm sure someone out there understands.
I agree that a lot of stuff goes on behind the scapegoat's back.
There's probably equally as many men scapegoats out there too unfortunately. As an oldest of 6 beating post from the moment I remember remembering anything, yeah ...
Oftentimes it takes a lifetime before realization one is a scapegoat, some of us get lucky and figure it out middle age, if you want to call figuring it out luck.. Ignorance isn't bliss with narc abused scapegoats, knowing doesn't help much either, other than coming to terms with being utterly alone in the world and formulating survival plans and hoping for just maybe the chance to start a new cycle. (family)
@@jacobcultivates I totally agree with what you say. Figuring it out was not lucky and knowing really does not help as much as one might think.
My mother is a narcissistic alcoholic. I saw her stretchered out of the house many times as a teen after nearly killing herself with week long benders. Older brother was already moved out, younger sister would get whisked away by her dad (my stepdad, who was divorced from my mother), leaving me the only child stuck living there watching my mother tear her life apart.
My tolerance for her drinking is pretty much nonexistent in my adulthood. A few years back, she had another bad episode where my younger sister finally got to see her at her worst, and it terrified her. That was the last straw for me, and I cut her off for a full year before my family finally pressured me into trying to patch things up. In doing so, my mother made it clear that she felt no remorse for what she’d done, in fact, me cutting her off was the worst, most evil thing anyone had ever done to her. I became the villain who would dare try to tear this perfectly functional family apart. And while she “forgives me” now and we are on mostly good terms, I see through all her bullshit and am just biding my time until I can someday move far away from them all and try to find a happy life for myself.
Thank you! I grew up with a narcissist mother… A LOT of emotional blackmail.. A LOT! Very informative … easily understandable. Great job!
The good news is that nothing is as it seems on this planet. Apparent families are hell because they are lies. Those of us who are brave and take the path of becoming authentically ourselves will reunite our true family.
By creating our OWN family.
@@Yaruandromedano1998 Nothing is created or destroyed
12:14 or... "You're the reason why I smoke." 😂 So, typical. You're amazing, sir, for putting this out there. It feels so comforting hearing a confirmation of ones experiences from an external sourse. God bless you!
Jerry, please address narcissists "breaking bad," turning to crime as adults. Thank you.
Or enabling the addictions or crimes of the Golden Child (or blaming all of that on the Scapegoat...down to, in my case, getting damned close to framing me for crap).
I could tell you stories that would curl your hair.
@@BronzeDragon133I could probably match you cruelty for cruelty.
I endured abuse in private that was enabled by people who "loved" me in public
My family withheld the death of my son from me for an entire month. They knew his Cancer was terminal for an entire year, and kept me in the dark. Never underestimate what they will keep from you.
That's beyond words, I'm so, so sorry they did that to you.
Or siblings not telling you that your mother has died! Someone who lives in the same city as my family called me because they had seen the obituary in the paper. It is possible though that our mother had said to my brother before she died: "Don't tell her, she does not need to know....". And why would he not follow orders? Since she was the root of all evil in our family, and he was the golden child...
My sister didn't tell me for 5 days that my mom had a stroke after knee surgery, (that I also didn't know about.) My brother won't even talk to me and he lives with her. My sister is controlling this entire situation, withholding information and not helping. Thing is, I would never treat them the way they are treating me. Mother is the narc and has triangled my siblings. I've always been the invisible/scapegoat child. Even in death I'm to be left out. This is so difficult emotionally but I've got to stop ruminating. I'm just going to stay away there is nothing left.
@@tracydean3678 They are caught in the "family trance", you are the only one who has clarity. As long as the narcissist is calling the shots, the price would be too high for them to step out. Which you have done, so you are better off than all of them. But what does it help, emotionally it is so hard, I agree. The injustice of it all. And the projection onto you, of something you have never done, it is so evil. My mother withheld so much information from me, enjoying her power trip. Including hints about some "terrible illness" running in our family, I had no clue what that could be. Then she added: "You don't need to know, I am just telling you...." Tell me what? In case I got some strange symptoms, I would worry, but not know a thing? She is gone now, I have no idea what she was talking about. But it did bother me for a long time. She told my siblings that I had a "nervous disorder". She made this up. Plain vicious.
Yup. I'm so sorry for your loss. They're are demonic for doing that. Mine withheld everything about my children. Godbless you and I pray for your comfort.
Now that more CLARITY is arriving, I see that I’m fortunate to have been the Scapegoat in my extra-ultra dysfunctional family. Being OUTCASTED has especially been beneficial!
TOXICITY is CONTAGIOUS and the less time spent with those who hate you, the better.
Just wish they’d cease SLANDERING!🦋
Jerry, this is one of the best explanations of what it is we go thru and how far reaching it is. As a mom myself, I couldn’t imagine having ppl over to my house and making fun of my son , cracking jokes at his expense or discussing him in an unkind unloving manner. If I ever found out someone disparaged him, I would no longer associate with them. Only those who’ve been thru it can understand how devastating it was/is to live with your ‘family’, extended family, friends and acquaintances all being taught it’s ok to laugh at and be dismissive of you or recruited to the “cabal” against you 😢
My brother always did this. If his friends, our cousins, his girlfriend or even my friends were around he'd always try to recruit them to mock, laugh at and put me down. It would be done with subtlety and charm so the recruited felt flattered and didn't realise they'd been recruited, and I being innocent and at that time naive to the dynamic wouldn't usually see it coming.
U become the scapegoat because u call them out on their crap. Of course your flying monkey siblings believe everything she says about me. It’s been 10 years and I haven’t looked back. Her precious monkeys can deal with her to the end. I won’t be sucked back in because they try to guilt me into it. They will never know or care how much this has affected me and my family.
This is my older brother, sister-in-law, and my mother's most recent husband, his family, as well as a couple of others in my family, my parents are not the instigators, but do not stop it and my son is not like them thank God. The only way to deal with it is to just stay away from them, they will never change. All of them are very immature.
Validation at last from a total stranger on UA-cam. Like water to a parched traveler. So grateful for your video, thank you!
This explains my dysfunctional family of origin and why so much sibling hostility exists today. So very sad. I could never enjoy my brother or sister's company as it inevitably led to very acrimonious fights, all self igniting.
Sadder yet, my ex husband was bipolar and a malignant narcissist and he turned our two beautiful kids against me. Now my son gaslights me constantly inventing stories of abuse that never existed. My daughter died of cancer in her prime and my last memory of her was her rage against me for trimming her dogs paws when I babysat him for free for 10 days and removed foxtails from his tangled paws. I had no choice, there were painful burrs and foxtails and his under paws had to be trimmed to remove the matted fur. She raved and ranted and flew into a rage and walked off with her dog who kept looking back at me, clearly more attached to me and the good home cooked meals he got, and she never looked back. That was my last memory of her. My little baby girl I loved so much.
To say that I am in pain is an understatement. It is a struggle to breathe some days. It is a Grand Canyon of pain to swim through. So much gaslighting. Instead of enjoying each other, there was nothing but hostility, insecurity, abandonment, outright verbal and physical abuse. I just walked away from these toxic relationships. I felt invisible and diminished around them. My son gives me the silent treatment. He uses me when he needs dog sitting or packing for a move, or similar. Not a card on my birthday, not Christmas, nor Thanksgiving. This is the boy I put through an Ivy League college like my daughter too. He is a highly educated professional, like my daughter. Not one word of thanks or a visit or a phone call. No answer to my emails. He flew into a rage once on a visit of 15 mins after one year of not seeing him out of state, because I would not help him clean my Ex's house (who lives like a pig) 120 miles away on Halloween evening, causing me to drive back 60 miles in the dark on Halloween night. Imagine the entitlement in that. I refused and asked him to hire someone. So he flew into a rage, berated me for 10 mins in public and stormed off not to be seen again in a year. On the last visit from east coast to west coast, he did not see me though he passed my house 3 times driving by. Now not even a phone call.
This is the fruit of dysfunction in a family. It is soul destroying. I am a survivor. I will thrive despite this. Life is a journey. Nothing prepares you for death better than to feel utterly alone and abandoned in life. I came into this world alone, and will leave it alone. That is reality. It is an illusion to think anyone cares about you. They care about themselves mostly and unless you are useful to them, you don't matter. So you really have to live for yourself and what gives you joy. Lesson learned.
I am sorry about the details you shared. Really sorry. Especially when children express anger, mostly misplaced, it can be tough.
I wish you complete healing.
So that your heavy heart is lighter and you can breathe easy. Surely your daughter would've regretted had she been around now. It is very common for kids be mad at parents, so please don't beat yourself up over it.
Take care. Prayers for you.
I went through something similar. I feel the same way- that I will be alone and lonely the rest of my life.
God cares about you.
No good deed goes unpunished with these narcissistic vipers. Your daughter got a narcissistic injury when you cleaned up her neglected dog's paws. You caused her to see what a bad pet owner she actually was.
Your Creator cares about you and knows everything you have endured. When you put Him1st in your life, it helps u realise who and what really matters. If I'm pleasing Him I know that I'm doing the right thing and anyone else's view of me is only the opinion of an imperfect human. Peace to you...I related to a lot of what you said.
My father told me he kept me away from himself and the family not because he didn’t want to see me but because he thought that would help me not to argue with everyone in the family. It was a whole showdown without me ever arguing with anyone to my knowledge and not being involved in the kicking out of the family episode- all of them and then me. WOW obviously this all resonates more than I want it to but I knew it would. It has been happening long enough that the knowledge is overwhelming. Thank you for your lessons
“All my children have been diagnosed with anxiety but I haven’t.” Says the narc mother who breathes through her teeth almost constantly.
Oh my god, I could have written this.
My mother said this too to someone "all my children have mental health problems".
And she grits her teeth when she sees me, bares them like a dog. She can't even disguise it. She hates me so much.
No contact for over 8 years.
She sabotaged my whole life and isolated me.
No siblings (4) have any contact with each other.
It's so very sad.
Take care ❤🇬🇧
Any reasonable person would see she is the culprit 😂 A fool, ratting herself out! …. I can relate! So relieved and blessed, to be free from the nonsense 😊
Don't worry my father says the same stuff all the time. He has no awareness. He'll physically abuse his woman and pets until they have Stockholm syndrome then he talks about how his pets like him more than others. Complete looney toon.
Prayer prayer prayer May God intervene soon. Please God soon.
@@metafromaustralia Their willfully ignorant bliss will evaporate soon when they are weeping and gnashing their teeth on their one way trip to an eternal lake vacation (fire lake)...❤🔥🔥
OMG I watched my partner’s mother be this way, she even put me under her spell to band together against him until I woke up to it. I never want her around me or our son ever again. She is dangerous.
Don’t let her around your husband and son she only wants to destroy you and tear down your family. Hugs ❤
The silent treatment it’s a killer! I suffered it for years in unpredictable cicles, and survived. It negates your own existence. I’m doing fine now. Thank you Jerry, you are really wise.
This gent is correct. Sometimes divorce is for family members too. If they don’t value and respect you and if it is not an equal and respectful relationship, you need to let them go. Betrayals start out small. They will continue until you are devastated. Do not give the filth the opportunity to do more damage to your heart ❤️ soul and spirit . Good luck out there. Your healing can start today with self care, meditation and exercise. Your healing can not start and will not start with toxic people in your aura or life. Delete them. ❤ yourself enough to let them go.
Very well said!
"Filth" is an excellent description of these sub humans.
Yes