Types of baiting
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- Опубліковано 22 тра 2024
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If there were no enablers, narcissists wouldn’t be able to do what they do.
If there were no narcissist enablers wouldn’t be able to enable them.
This is a chicken or the the egg argument
@NarcSurvivor you are always spot on and really “get it.”
there will always be enablers, the narcissist manipulates an enabling response in their targets,
please don't blame the victims,
How awful and real is that thought! They need to gang up on us if only to feel a fraction of our strenght and that for fleeting moments here
and there!
All those enablers who are hiding in the shadows, wringing their hands, and plotting their next moves....
I don't see it.
If all those murder victims would only stop dying.
The baiting is relentless and it’s exhausting. The gaslighting is exhausting. The lies are exhausting. The mood swings are exhausting. The lectures are exhausting. Honestly I’m exhausted.
The "Flaw" in the Narcs. Game is repetition!
Once we see ALL they can do, over time, we can learn to Perfect the "Grey Rock Method" !
I've experienced the using "vulnerabilities against" baiting. It's devastating because it's such a betrayal of trust. Never confide in a narcissist.
Never, ever.
Once I'd figured him out, I told him I was a Stripper in Florida, for 5 years, when I was 21 ... just to see what he'd do with that.
Predictably, he brought up my" Shameful past " in several tirades against Me..
Sad when you can predict with 100% accuracy, how they'll behave.
Oh, yes and HE'S a " good Catholic !"
Hmmm ...
whats a scenario that is this? Like an example, I mean I want dialogue
By the time we figure out they're Narcissists, it's too late. I'm hoping to change that for myself.
@@tos100returns exactly! One wouldn't share their vulnerabilities if one knew the other was a narcissist! It's all a facade and we fall for it!
@@suzanne4396 They are everywhere sadly. Probably goes to confession to get his sins cleaned off the slate like washing crockery after each meal and eating again or sinning again.
Narcissists on average have much more resources than the general public and so they are in a position to attract and sustain enablers.
They know how to attract and harass victims well.
Or they pretend to have
@@purvamandlik4696 love it, all is blown out of proportion, just another thing!
@@joseenoel8093 the N Ex pretends to have contacts with local politicians, rich people. He also pretends to be chased by pretty young girls.
He spends on gadgets, travels for clicking photos. All for that fake image.
I disagree. I have a MUCH stronger support system than my narc because I have cultivated much more lasting & genuine relationships over the years than he has. Narcs only know how to use people & move on when they are done with them. It seems less likely to me that they would have a lot of TRULY loyal supporters. They may want you to THINK that they have all of these resources, but that is just part of the illusion & one of the ways they try to intimidate you.
So timely. I experienced the “looking for a fight” baiting last night. I took it, unfortunately. But I quickly realized what was happening and shut it down by putting my headphones on and went back to minding my business. 😂 Felt great!
My headphones saved me through many a bait attempt.
Well done noticing it and managing to stop it escalating.
Same girl, headphones on until they fade away 👍🏾
Not an option for me: he escalates if I ‘ignore’ him.
@@clogs4956 sorry to hear that. Like Dr. ramani says, they really are like children. Eventually they get bored and more on. Stay the course! You got this! 💪🏾
The "you hurt me" baiting when what "hurt" them is you standing up for yourself when they wronged you or you grey rock them.
How dare we right?
One guy I briefly dated did this. Whenever I pointed out things he did that hurt me he turned it around to saying I hurt him by telling him he hurt me. Lol. Fortunately he was just my rebound from a long relationship with another narcissist so I already knew what to look for and ditched him quickly.
Yeah, that's exactly what was happening to me. It was the first time I experienced that, and it was really confusing for a long time.
My jaw literally DROPPED at your comment of being trapped in a moving car during a narcissistic meltdown. As the recipient, i had two choices: endure the tantrum or end up on the side of the road. I am thankful to no longer be in the throes of his abuse. Thank you, Dr. R for being in the survivor's corner.
I was baited, refused to bite, and ordered from the car on a lonely country road. He didn’t think the children would get out and join me... suddenly, he was ‘just joking’; none of us were laughing.
I finally figured out 3 years after exiting my marriage to a narcissist that my phobia of driving is directly correlated to being yelled at in the car. All of the troll I was married to’s terrifying meltdowns happened in the confined space of the car. Now that I know this I am taking a few classes at a driving school to rebuild my confidence and will soon be driving again..🙌
Being trapped in a car with the narcissist just hit home. My mother and niece had separate but similar experiences with my sister in the car during a full on rage. Both were afraid and traumatized.
My narc went off on me too in the car. We were going fast on I-95 and he suddenly hit the brakes so suddenly I thought I was going to go through the windshield. He screamed to me to get out or he was going to break my jaw while showing me his fist. I didn't do it. We were 50 miles away from home. When we got home, I broke up with him. And he had to gull to say he was just joking.
Stay strong, everyone and best wishes for a new year of continued learning and recovery.
OMG - THE CAR ! The narcissists favorite torture chamber. Even if you gray rock - you cannot escape. Anything over a 10 minute trip the barrage of abuse will commence. If’s part of the pattern.
Yep, lots of bad memories in the car growing up with a narcissist father. I have clear memories of wanting to jump out in moving traffic as a child, and racing my siblings to the car in order to avoid sitting in the front seat
Absolutely and undeniably NEVER share with a narcissist. It’s hard when they are family members, but they will burn you every single time you let them on the inside. I’ve learned this over and over again and it’s still hard work. No contact is the only way because it’s always a “scorpion and the frog” dynamic with me any time I allow them too close to me.
I'm learning that. I used to share, but not anymore. Always wondered why it doesn't work. She'll also respond by saying things back to me that are untrue or twisted around.
Yep
I was in a difficult place so I reached out to my friend who is a narcissist. Of course they were helpful and offered all this great help.
Next day they forgot about some of the conversation and then I had to listen to them talk about themselves for an hour and how great they are.
Just bc I asked for help the other day.
There is also the “I will bring up any past embarrassing memories or the past” type of baiting which is in line with “who do you think you are”.
This also happens with subtly insulting anything you may like or do as a hobby because they are testing if you will still defend yourself so that they can escalate the mess.
This is especially relevant for scapegoats in the home who need to be “put in their place” by the toxic family.
My golden child narcissist brother loved to make fun of me doing yoga with comments like “Oh so you think you are a Guru now or saying things like “remember when you were so fat you could not even run on the treadmill (laughs)…now look at you how impressive”
They love to do in the presence of someone else for support either an enabler or the narcissist parent so that they can start to mob against you for you to literally feel cast out of the tribe because they know you are sensitive. It’s a set up and at first it’s not easy to avoid because your heart starts to beat faster and you feel uneasy but what helped me was just waking away and realising that it’s not worth engaging with broken people who want to constantly break my own soul to try and reach their own.
I count up to 3, breathe and walk away. When in the car I sing songs in my head and remember any good memories with anyone who makes me feel good or create my own fantasies of where I am as if it’s happening at that time the same way I did as a child with my imagination.
This leaves them in confusion because I just calmly say something neutral and walk away.
I once left my brother arguing by himself and went to eat my lunch alone outside on a sunny day instead of with them. I felt so healthy inside retaining my core, myself, my being, my sanity and not becoming something I am not.
Always think of your sanity in these cases and share your true self with others you trust in communication instead not to feel so robotic.
Narcissists will love to bait even more when they also see that you have grey rocked them so much that you are erasing them from your mind with your own hobbies, healing, self love work and anything else except them.
It’s not easy at first but the more you do it, the more sane you will feel and you won’t give your power and sense of self to someone who needs your pain as their sense of self/relevance.
💕
Thank u
Yep. My ex narc threw my past, that I shared, right back in my face. Baiting was a daily tactic he used to fire me up about anything and everything. He truly hated me, everything I enjoyed, everything I was passionate about, everything I talked about, read, watched, (this list is endless). It didn't matter. It was exhausting. When Baiting stopped working, he was grasping for straws. It took me time to stop defending, engaging, explaining. I walked away, no contact. No Contact does enrage them because they loose that power over you.
You should be writing a blog. Beautifuly said.
@Li Lani, hey I really identify with what you had to say about this. Would you like to share some of your story?
I experienced more than one type of baiting and they are all insidious. But the one "I'm going to bait you in front of others so that you look bad" is actually the one my brother-in-law uses with my sister quite often. For the longest time I thought wrongly of my sister because of it. It serves two purposes for him - to make him look better in comparison and it also kind of separated us a little with my sister. He also does it so that he looks good in front of their children. Really it is a disgusting and low tactic. But I am not falling for it again.
When I and my other siblings recognise the patterns of my Narcissistic sibling we began to unit and prevent that sibling from trying to manipulate us as a group and individually.
Good Luck to you, your Sister and her children.
Thank goodness. It only works because other people fall for it.
I'm so happy for you and your sister that he wasn't able to keep you divided. She seems to be lucky to have you!
My dad and one of his brothers would do this to me, and their (now, late) mother enabled their behavior. Pathetic!
There was a guy I met 13 years ago, I thought he was "safe" because I saw him as a down to earth guy who was so thoughtful. I began to tell him things I'd never told anyone in my entire life, all of my insecurities. Then a few months later he took everything, all of my insecurities, and threw them in my face. That was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life. I am finally bigger, better, stronger and I'm done with toxic, negative people who hurt others. Sorround yourself with nothing but love. Love is supposed to feel good, it's not supposed to hurt.
and learn how to make boundaries. Unfortunately, he used you. I', 42 now and ... unfortunately really, I heeded the "boundaries!" advice after having been in a 5 year relationship with my ex. He still verbally attacks me after 10 years because of course I'm the one who's crazy and need help. ;)
A guy I met during the summer 2021, who I later realised love bombed me and was manic at that time. We were together only for a good month. I couldn't stand it anymore, even though I was in love. My inner voice was screaming at me that "this is all wrong". I got him into therapy and found him a shrink, it took a lot of time and money to do this of course. In the end he was forcefully hospitalized and this was great for his health but he's still in his own world, not admitting he has a problem. And hovering me. But I know he has other girlfriends "who really get him", unlike me - so demanding and so limiting and setting boundaries. A terrible woman, me. :)
Safe boundaries saved me from being hurt more than I already was when I realised he was bipolar, a liar and a manipulator.
Ooof, I cried my eyes out when I realised I wasn't the only true love in his life (ugh, porn addiction, 2 other women as an aside, drugs, etc), but at least I saved my core, true self from being abused by him.
Yes, it lasted only a good month but it takes a long time to recover from a relationship where emotional abuse and manipulation happened. But at least I'm a winner, I see myself as such, while he's still lost in his toxic, paranoid world of false and grandiose ideas about his life. And he has that Vanessa women as an enabler. Good on him and on her. I wish them luck, haha.
It will take me some time, however, to be ready to trust men again but at least my next relationship will be an amazing one with lots of laughter and mutual respect. And that's something very few people can imagine because they're stuck in their own egocentric, narcissistic way of life.
These people are predators looking for selfish supply. Someone once said, "How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego."
Yes, this is the way they operate ... I feel priviledged to have access to Dr. Ramani's UA-cam videos, it is free- of-charge education in psychology, a real opprtunity I am not missing ... I got rid of all narcissists in my life ... but, I do have guilty pleasures: now that I'm in secure place, I bait my narcissists from time to time ... it feels soooo goood that I'm ready to take a hit in form of criticism for that! Bring it on!
Yes. I thought I had met those people after all I had been through. But an older sibling smeared me to my kids and grandchildren. And also my spiritual family.(!) I was dying of cancer during that time...lying and smearing me about everything in my life apparently...left me alone. I can't believe I have managed to still hang in there.
@@marinaudovcic1919 You do??? Tell me about it? How do you bait them? :P
Ding ding! You nailed it. My narc ex friend would always bait her spouse in the car! I traveled with them a lot so I got to witness it first hand. If the spouse so much as sighed a bit too heavily, the narc would go off on him and accuse him of giving her an attitude. She also tried to bait me in a group setting in a different way, I'll call this "hush baiting " - someone would ask a question to me and she would interrupt and answer the question, or she would introduce me as "this is Mary, she doesn't say much, she's shy" to set the precedent early that I was not worth having a conversation with. I am shy, but she knew introducing me that way just embarrassed me, and she loved to see me stew there in silence, not being able to get a word in while she did all the talking. I realize in a normal situation without her there, I come out of my shell as soon as there is a conversation topic in mind.
Very interesting. You are right, even a small gesture can be twisted and made into
a baiting bash. It is so horrible
The cruel thing about narcissistic people from my own personal experience is that they get turned on after we accept the manipulation bait of the negative energy and then we react negatively they enjoy it I used to watch narcissist that I came in contact with get so delighted when I got angry after they completely lied on my character and then they would relax and act as if I’m the crazy one I just stopped reacting after a while. I didn’t realize how sick that whole mind fog situation was until after
The pig I got away from was like that too.
Kinda sadistic, isn't it?
They are possessed by demons/fallen angels
Yes! This is the BS my sister did to me. I was always painted as the bad, mean one. I helped her when ever she needed it and scared away her school bullies. She never showed me one bit of kindness or compassion. When she got bored she would bait me. It's so hard to not become angry when they play these games.
@@anaphylaxis2548 anger is normal. It’s turning the anger to motivation to always love ourselves and boundaries.
My last husband used to get angry with me because I didn't want to fight. He thought that arguing was a good thing. One time when he was baiting me, I said, "I don't know what to say" and he said, "I've had it with you." This devastated me at the time, but I've come to realize he really needed conflict and maybe a reason to feel badly about himself. I've learned so much from you, Dr. Ramani. Your work has opened a beautiful life for me.
I know that feeling these people are like heroine addicts. They go crazy when they don't get their fix of "supply". They need it. They can die if they don't have it.
My ex narc wife gaslighted me for over ten years. When I couldn't take it anymore, she baited me into fights and recorded them. She then showed the videos and audio recordings to not only the councilors but my family as well. Because my family was a toxic stew of narcs and enablers and I was discarded by everyone. I'm still recovering from this betrayal. When it came down to it, the only thing they wanted from me was my self respect. I guess the sight of me groveling was a prize. Still recovering from this abuse. I've come a long way thanks to Dr. Ramani.
I intend this kindly, it's seems maybe the youtube name could be now be more like sparky triumph.
Damn, sorry dude. I get it, been there.
Same thing happened to me. He would bait with a hidden camera. Sickos.
@@janefreeman995 thanks it doesn't feel like that. It's more like a nightmare.
@@adosjustice3242 thanks
One I am seeing a lot more of is very specific- men baiting any woman walking or otherwise traveling alone, into an induced conversation and then lashing out if she ignores him/ tells him to stop/ defends herself in any way. Laughing in your face, telling you that you should not be unaccompanied, calling you crazy, chasing you from the back of a motorcycle, making repeated approaches, threatening you- these are all things I personally experience regularly. Even worse in a taxi or public transportation setting you cannot easily escape from. I literally had a man pull a knife on me once when I told him to leave me alone, and all of the male passengers started laughing at me. It was mid-day and I was traveling home after teaching a university class. Men who feel entitled to a woman's time/ energy/ attention are becoming an even worse problem.
I am a NYer and I know exactly how you feel. It is a pedestrian city. You have to walk or take mass transit to get places and it feels very unsafe sometimes. I used to be very fashionable but I started leaving my house dressed in a way where I knew I would not be noticed because I was trying to avoid unwanted attention from men and teenage boys.
That's so evil and scary
@@JC-bu6vl I live and work in Latin America. Even on days when it is 90 degrees, I wear a shapeless fleece with a hoodie over my clothes, and a pair of beat up shoes- carrying my real shoes for the day with me, often a change of clothes for professional work, too
I experience this a lot as well, so does my sister.
This is a regional annomoly for sure!
Be slow to anger is an old PROVERB. NARCISSIST is unable to regulate their anger. RAGES.
I literally screamed oh my God when you talked about the subtle ways they use your vulnerabilities to bait you in front of other people so that your reaction looks like an overreaction. I finally was able to put into words what my sister does or rather what she did before I went no contact
My sister too! I got very used to NOT responding to her verbal and written abuse but sometimes I just couldn't take it anymore and spoke up. Her reaction? Just like what Dr. Ramani mentioned in this video... she picked up her quiet, calm, cool, collected voice (and a smirk or 2) and told me how I'm overreacting and how or why could I say something so mean. And then she jumped all over my vulnerabilities to try and make me feel like I was the one with the problem lol sigh!! ZERO contact for the last couple years now (thank God!!) since my mom died.
How did you do it Got the same situation with my older narc brother?
@@amandaroberts5111 how did I go NC? Literally ghosted her, just blocked on everything and never go to family events where she might be there. It's easier for me because my side of the family is small (immigrants) but my husband's family is big so I basically became more a part of his family
Same here. I was told when I wanted to end the conversation 'I was being overdramatic'.
@@shbitch773 Wow. As if I was reading about myself...
Once they start you must disconnect ALL communication. They hate silence. Here are some tips once they start baiting.
1. Carry on with what you were doing and carry on with your day no matter what they say.
2. Don't show any reaction. No matter how you feel inside.
3. Put headphones on.
4. Don't talk about the baiting later. They want you to bring it up so they can start arguing again!
Sarcasm can put them off their game during them baiting, but it's better to just ignore them. Weirdly narcs seem to find sarcasm or irony difficult to comprehend.
What would I have done without this channel? Lost my mind, my everything.
Instead I hold a secret strength deep inside. I can observe almost like a scientist, and gasp in awe at the subtle yet vitriolic way he tries to destroy me. Hard as it is I know to focus on life, peace, friends, health, creativity, nature.
He is getting smaller and smaller to me.
Love you so much, you wonderful lady. Your channel has helped my life more than I could ever describe.
Oh yes!
I call it 'being a captive audience' when you take a car ride with a narcissist.
My father used to take my siblings and I on camping trips that usually involved long drives. I hated and dreaded those trips so much. We were walking on eggshells the whole time because we knew he was just looking for any little excuse to explode into a barrage of verbal and physical abuse.
I'm an adult now and I have grey rocking down to an art, but he still tries to bait me and regularly asks if I can remember the various trips.
Recently he said something surprising - he accused his own father of being a narcissist because he never took his children for camping trips. It didn't occur to me until I watched this video that he was probably trying to bait me into showing him just how badly those trips hurt me.
Thanks DoctorRamani!
Wow!!! Your comment worth millions! Thank you for sharing and opening eyes with your experience! It felt like a warm big hug! 🥰
Or maybe he was telling you "I'm a good dad! I took you on trips! You owe me!! Plus, I said the word ' narcissist' because I know you will respond to that!! I'm a victim!! Pay attention to me!!!"
That's what my Dad tried to do. He always tries to reframe his bad behavior as him being Dad of the Year, and if I disagree he plays victim.
One of the last times my sister baited me to the point of tears, she really picked her timing because I was stuck with her in my car. We were on a busy, crowded highway with no place to stop, which was lucky for her, because if I could have, I would have stopped and tossed her out. Well, bully on her for getting what she needed in the moment, but sadly she'll get it no more, because very soon after that incident, I washed my hands of her! (As a side note, I sometimes wonder who she gets her supply from now.)
@@ElanaVital83 yes, that as well
A form of dog whistle ?
The narc in my life is fond of this toxic tactic. The can be quite coy with memories.
My mother did the baiting when i was very sick. If I had a fever or something that kept me bed ridden, she would come in with a plate of toxic care food, and then would start baiting, mentally abusing and using all my weaknesses against me. She did it every single time that I got sick. So after a while, as a teenager, I had to hide my physical health. If I was sick, i learned never to show it and never ever ever accept her care.
Thanks for sharing. After 7months, my mum texted 'We can only love you'. I went no contact for my own mental health.
❤
It's a well known FACT NARCISSISTS do not LIKE UNWELL people you are a burden to THEM sad BUT OH how true....
4:25 sounds like a normal wife.
Narcissists got me twice before to act out of character. I learned in that time, they enjoyed every minute of my pain and misery. I was hurting, and they were oblivious of my needs. All I needed was empathy, and not a single one of them had the courage to give. In the end it was all my fault no matter what happened behind the curtains. Then comes the expectation of apologies. Which I did as I take responsibility of my actions. But their expectations only grew stronger so I had to stop apologizing, as i wasnt betting any from them. I even tried civil, respectful communication with kind wordings byt they are so hyper sensitive it wasnt seen as a way to solve problems. Then I was devalued, and berated for just being me. So I became distant as my last resort. I'm still distant and only objective when around these heartless people. Always making sure I smile, and laugh and make the most of my time. I never forget I have a loving heart.
With all this knowledge of narcs on YT, I now know what not to do to preserve myself. I can't thank enough for these helpful videos ❤
I feel ya sister, it’s not easy growth up in dysfunction. I’m seeing allot of similarity in our stories. Please don’t make the mistake of giving up on your hopes and dreams for the sake of “family”. They never respected you as a person and probably never will. Every child deserves love and support from their family and they, at some point wanted the same. I hope you have a beautiful life someday!!
No reaction, " Flatline emotions ".. Only way to survive.
I definitely have experienced all of the types of baiting mentioned in this video, but one that wasn't mentioned. When my narc would say or do something that would offend or hurt me, I would grey rock and try to keep my distance. After he learned that I wasn't taking the bait anymore he developed a new way to bait me alone and around other people. He would keep coming into my space and try to hug or kiss me, hold my hand or put his arm around me. Knowing fully well what he did and that I was avoiding him. He would do it over and over and if I said anything push him away or try to get away, he would then say " See, your the reason for all of the problems in our relationship. How can you say I'm treating you so badly if you won't even let me close to you!" I would feel so guilty and think to myself that I really was the problem. When he did it around other people, I looked like I was such a cold hearted person who was neglecting my poor, innocent living husband! Anyone else?
You described my brother-in-law. It took me a while to recognize that he is a classic narc. My sister is so messed up by his toxicity that I want her and her daughter to be saved at any cost.
I'm sorry that you have to witness that. it's a terrible situation for everyone involved. Make sure you have support and take care of yourself while you support and take care of your sister.
Yes i ve experienced it too...just act and accept the hugs without emotions and grey rock again...or give an excuse and run away...
She would bite me til I cried or got mad ,then ask me why I'm always so stiff when she hugs me
Great video! This is why I think no contact is only the first step. The real mission is to become gaslighting proof. This is where we have such a strong belief in ourselves, no one can push us off of our emotional center. So if we have to be around narcissists, they won’t have power over us anymore. Bc let’s face it, if a narcissist upsets us, to a degree we have given them power over us and care about what they think. Let’s all become gaslighting proof!
I love this.
My emotional centre is still wobbly. It takes it out of me always being indifferent! Getting there slowly though.
@@papi9114 there ya go! I think we all can struggle with this sometimes. But at least you are aware of it.
There is no such thing as gaslight proof, they will continue to push boundaries until up is down, right is left. You don't know if you're coming or going. While I agree with your overall premise, this is not a solution. This only kicks the can down the road.
The cause: removal of repercussions. Take the punishment away from parents, out of schools, and from behind the woodshed and the stuff gets deeper till you have no choice to fight back anyway. We have a societal problem, waiting to get pushed hard enough to explode. That's exactly what they want, to play victim for history sake, to make you the bad guy.
It will continue to get worse. Oh, and I love how 90% of the comments are from fefails playing victim. That's what they do best.
@@PBVader you can implement boundaries without becoming emotional and getting pushed off your emotional center.
@@jaredmello like I said, it's a quick fix, not a long term solution. Is it too late? Has gasighting become the norm? Will we be subject to sifting thru five feet of b.s. for generations?
I didn't know why my mother in law seemed to always want to have drama and have that "I'm higher than thou" attitude to 90% of ppl she knows. But now I know why. Thanks dr. Ramani! Greetings from Indonesia
I had the I need to regulate baiting fights with my father. I would come home from school all tired and quiet, just wanted to drop the backpack and rest a little and my father would then say “spoiled brat, comes home all mad from school and takes it out on us here at home” like my quietness and resting posture was provoking him or something. Found out with this video he was regulating his sick brain, thank you!
I’ve had this response to my tired face all my life. First my mother but then plenty of other people. When I’m tired people accuse me of being angry, sulking, etc. My tired face when I’m having no thoughts at all, totally neutral, brings out the nasty bully in people.
Another type of baiting is: I want to know if I'm important to you bating. They ask question to "secure" they feeling, if your answer is not what they expected, they use it as a trigger to argue/fight you.
“They will get the satisfaction of seeing your emotions”. That explains why I caught her laughing when she sent me text “arguing”. This means narcissist feel good putting me down. “Misery loves company”
OMG! I started dating after being widowed...a long marriage to a covert nacissist. I have seen the same pattern with the three men I dated. If they were bored, it would turn into political baiting even after they said we would not talk politics. As I look back, of course there were so many other issues. But it was the baiting out of boredom (politics) which made me bail. Thanks for making me realize it wasn't a good relationship. You're SO good...thanks!
Yes Molly - baiting out of boredom, using politics. A relative was a boss at this. Had it down to a science.
I hope you still stayed single.
Baiting out of boredom or just for sport.
That is EXACTLY what is happening to me right now. He uses our (huge) political differences to bait, even if I have say hundreds of times we should not discuss politics in order to avoid confrontations. He does it day in day out, and when I do not react, he would finish the no-drama with a: "I hate to tell you this, but I am disappointed that such a brilliant person has these din ideas".
@@RutBats Are you with one of the guys I dropped???? That's exactly what I experienced! I encourage you to dive a bit deeper and observe the many other ways you are put "in your place." To counter this, put Aretha's R E S P E C T song in your head and play it whenever you are baited. Hang in there!!!!!
No tantrums on my part Doctor Ramadi, narcissists are extremely experienced at insults and throwing digs, I'm not taking it, it's gone too far! Thanks again for your knowledge. 😊
The term "Dog Whistle" is a whispered statement that the narcissist says just to you in the presence of others to get a negative reaction out of you during a nice dinner, your birthday celebration, or other happy occasions.
The car!!!! So true!!! Especially when driving in the middle of nowhere where there is no public transit and you are dependent on them.
Experienced all kinds of baiting. These things need to be taught at the elementary education level
Ignore them. Remember they want to hurt you, don't give them the satisfaction.
My brother was the biggest "baiter" in my life (until I left the entire family in 2000). I knew what he was doing but often others in the family would "buy" the bait, true or not, and continue using it against me. Now, decades later I find myself unable to tolerate any sort of teasing or taunting. I feel like the world is trying to bait me. It's come down to the inability to trust anyone. These toxic people can ruin lives long after they are out of your life.
The energy you have to expend dealing with these people is just mentally EXHAUSTING. No contact sucks at first but I think is the only way to stay sane.
Yes - crazy but true… it was often while in the car, or during a trip (plane, hotel etc.), when nasty baiting would occur, followed by: “Look at you! What’s wrong with you getting upset?”. Dr. Ramani is again right on point.
My mom used to get me that way all the time. 😒
After you said “You getting upset is a form of narcissistic supply” I had to pause… wow
With narcissists I find that grey rocking is really effective. I don’t share anything that is close to me.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. As you were listing the types of baiting, I was checking them off the list and going "yup that's mom, yup that's mom, yup that's mom."
My father had a habit of baiting me into fights, usually by bringing up politics or badmouthing my brother. It used to work quite well, I thought I was achieving something by speaking up, until I learned better (thanks to this channel) and started refusing to engage. I did this for years, absolutely nothing changed on his end, he relentlessly kept trying, and I eventually grew tired even of grey rocking. I mean, sure, it spared me much upset, saved time and energy, but it was still annoying as heck, and honnestly always a bit triggering, to only ever be resisting his attempts.
So I cut ties several months ago, with a respectful but firm goodbye message. He answered as if I had spat in his face and insulted him, declared he had been nothing but good to me and that I must be projecting the bitterness of the failures and disappointments of my life on him (I'm very happy and fulfilled, thank you lol). I didn't answer.
And now it seems he goes to his old scapegoats to tell them how I am a mess. My brother told me about it, and I even got a message from my uncle, both his biggest historical scapegoats. That I know of, they barely ever talk, but apparently there's been an exception. My uncle visibly thought I was in the middle of some kind of struggle, he wished me that 2022 would "bring peace and appease tensions"... It was a bit odd, I am sincerely doing absolutely fine, and I told him so, and then he said he was glad to hear I was okay "despite the feud with my genitor". It doesn't sound like my uncle would side with him or get further involved, as far as I can tell he was only making sure I was ok, but just to be safe I didn't get into more details, and I'm not particularly eager to know what he heard, or defend my side of it.
I see this as my father trying to spread his version of the story, seeking circumstantial allies to triangulate and indirectly bait me, and I don't really care. But I was expecting other family members to be recruited for the job, it's interesting that it came to my ears through his scapegoats (or maybe they're just the only ones speaking about it).
OMG. The car prison! I was terrified with dangerous speeds on the interstate, along with close interstate tailgating. I would literally get in the back of the van shaking in fear with my head down trying to deep breath and pray.
To this day I suffer from PTSD when I drive. What a 👺 he was. He now drives a red car. Fitting for the devil.
I understand … i drive myself now even if we have to take 2 cars and its a short trip
My ex used competitive baiting. If there was a quiz on TV he would cheer and dance around if he got the question right. There would be a noticeable silence if I got something correct. He told me he knew it wound me up and he loved to hurt me. So glad I left!
It took about 10 years to realize my “friend” was a baiter. He would want to argue about anything and everything. I realized that he was holding opposing views to his own arguments, over periods of time.
He loved his job as a trial lawyer. It was a stage for him. I now understand that the simply loves arguing and the attention that comes with it. He had his license suspended for lying to a federal judge - because winning arguments is THAT important to him. I sooooo see the narcissism in him now. I could go on and on with his dramatic antics as I’m sure so many of you can do with your own toxic relationships . Oh he was also serially cheating on his wife, of course. She deserves better.
Hope to hear more, so all of us can begin to think who (sometimes with very shiny titles) are people we need to be careful with :)
Narcissistic attorneys are the worst! I'm in the process of a divorce from one now. Luckily I got away and into a domestic abuse program where I'm safe. I'm getting better at not letting his antics affect me for too long now. A day or two instead of always!
Girl. All you had to say was “lawyer.” lol. Bloodsuckers.
@@mgb7140 A layer gaslighted me when I consult with him.
@@mgb7140 So happy to hear about you advocating for yourself and get in the domestic abuse program. It must be a difficult fight, but I believe in you that you will gonna make it. One quick question, I was wondering if I can recommend to other people since I know a few friends who have been suffering from domestic abuse. What is the program you attend?
So true! Thank you for explaining all these mechanisms, how certain people can play with us and make us "crazy", confused and feel unfair. It helps me to understand all of this and to understand myself better and to be gentler with myself, and not to blame myself for "overreacting" 💓thank you dr.Ramani
‘But you are the only person I have these problems with … ‘
Yup my ex loved to humiliate me at friends but most of our friends knew and liked me and it actually made him look bad and he hated that as that was not his intention. One of my friends almost punched him one night and told me he held back because he respected me and did not want me to be embaressed. Then I would get hammered later for "embaressing" him. But over time I got so immune against this, it was easy to take my children and leave
Mmmmmhmm ok
I was trapped in a moving zig zag going van speeding with a physically abusive Narcissist...by young daughter(at the time) 's father. This happened 2x plus other abuse. He beat me slamming my head and body into the dashboard and side window repeatedly. I could not get away. I actually had to open the door while vehicle was moving and traffic. I was so afraid. I had blocked it out for years. Until having been experiencing emotional abuse from an older horrid sibling I started having flashbacks. I did not know what was happening. Then I realized I was seeing this dashboard in my mind over and over that memory set off by a sister -I will never talk to her again...abuser. My word of caution NEVER GET IN A CAR WITH ANY ABUSER. IT COULD COST YOU YOUR LIFE. And then there are those who like to put you through such hateful trauma knowing what you have been through. Regardless. I was out of state with this horrid sibling. I was supposed to travel back home with her...an 8 hour trip. I couldn't. I spent money I could not afford to spend and begged someone to drive me 1 1/2 hours to Amtrak and took a 22 hour train home. Because I knew how this heartless woman would behave on the long trip back in the car. I just could not do that to myself. Never again.
Same here, my narc had my head in a headlock slamming his fist into the other side of my face after slamming my leg in the door, while excellerating at a high rate of speed threatening to crash the car, swerving all over the dirt road , into a telephone pole. He was enraged that I kept looking for a job outside the home and was Finally Standing my Ground on his control issue mind games.
Dear Coffee Girl, I am so sorry. Healing hugs
My parents had an extremely tumultuous marriage. My father passed away very suddenly from a work accident when I was 13. He was my protector. Once he passed, my protector was me. I am also the eldest of four children.
I've made a very good, healthy, peaceful life for myself, my husband, our two children, our home. My mother's way of baiting after I finally cut the chord of toxicity was to attack my parenting and my marriage. Being a good, nurturing, loving, encouraging mother has always meant the world to me, especially having the built-in fear and anxiety that I would or could end up parenting like her someday. Our children are emotionally healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong, solid, loving. While I know my mother's intentions are to destroy any ounce of good I have, deep down, it hurts, but my happiness and that of my family have given me the strength to walk away peacefully from her chaos for good!
In doing this, unfortunately, I've also had to walk away from a brother and sister "her flying monkeys," I do, however, have a loving, healthy relationship with my baby brother. We're eight years apart. We are the book ends, lol.
I watch your videos every morning! You've become my daily devotional, so to speak. 😊.
Someday I hope to write a memoir about my life upbringing, with the hopes of helping others as you have and continually do with grace.
You are an amazing woman Doctor Ramini. The world is a better place because of people like you in it.
Thank you,
Sincerely,
Anna.
P.s. I don't know if this will help anyone, but for a long time, I would tell myself, "your opinion of me is none of my business," when my mom, sister, and brother would try to bait me. After a while, it helped me not to personalize the gaslighting and baiting because I came to realize the majority, if not all, of it was merely a projection of themselves. Doctor Wayne Dyer, a wonderful man, said that quote at a seminar I'd attended years ago, and it truly resonated with me...
.....and, becoming immune to any of these baiting is a superpower.
I am on the unfortunate, receiving end of the "Regulation Baiting", EVERY SINGLE DAY. 🙄😑😤
I think “Gray Rocky and Fire Wally” is a very kind way to self-deprecate. When I think of myself using these terms, it feels like a good way to not take myself too seriously and simultaneously take myself seriously all the same.
I know the car captive experience quite well. The worst I endured was a 6 hour drive after dropping our tween daughter off w/ my family for a week long visit. He was all happy & fun loving on the way there~I could see his demeanor begin to change as we got in the vehicle to drive home. It was 6 hours of emotional abuse & the silent treatment. Upon returning home, he turned around & hugged me!!!
Via experts like Dr. Ramani~I know that was his belief that he again had control over me.
l had a similar experience, it is awful, at least it is in the past, thank God.
I also notice that they always hug when you are in a low mental state..the plausible.deniability reason is they are 'comforting you' when in fact they are anchoring you in a depressed state.
Experienced all of this going on 24years my husband drove me to pre-surgery Covid test February4th trapped me in the car...since that date I now refuse to be alone in a car...I am just learning my reality have been in counseling since September 2021...my reality started to sink in around the end of December2021...imam listening to your book and watching all your videos.. i have been on the verge of disaster even considered stopping my cancer and disease treatments to end my suffering... I very much know what you called narcissistic abuse depression is what I was experiencing... my counselor has been very patient with me and continues to be very patient I feel like my rose-colored glasses have been tossed off my face and I can never drink my husband’s Kool-Aid ever again
The car ride rages were definitely scary, the energy to rage and/or seethe for hours is beyond my comprehension.
I remember there was one time he was screaming like mad infront of me and I was reading my book. When he came home and demanded why didn't I come to greet him at the door I continued reading my book flipping the pages turning occasionally to look at the clock. He called me all the names in the world got exhausted went upstairs to nap and started punching pillows. 🤷♀️
Good for you 👏🏼😇
That’s a lot of great advice. And bad on me for picking fights when I am feeling upset. Gonna own that and nip it in the bud.
Both of my parents are Narcs, Father is an alcoholic, porn addict and my mom had more boyfriends than I can count. They are the stars of any social gatherings. I have somehow escaped their house of horror and being able to grey rock them but man oh man whenever they get me in a car.. my entire life goes upside down!!
This is so true! My husband does this. When I don’t engage in an argument he gets enraged. It’s just an opportunity for him to project and deflect. I will leave the house and return and he acts as if nothing has happened lol They really are delusional lol Once they can tell that you’re on to them but prepared for the worst though. Hell hath no fury like an exposed narcissist. Lol
My family uses vocal tone, inflection and facial expression to bait. A conversation about the weather can go sideways real quick. Actually just being in the same room can go sideways real quick. Or maybe they are right. Im 'soooo sensitive (eyeroll).'
I was in a relationship with a male narc. It was my birthday. I was having a great time. We were over to his friend house. The friend wished me a happy birthday. The narc male started aggressively flirting with his male friend. I said nothing until I got home. He turned and looked at me with evil eyes and said. I guess you didn't figure that one out. Grey rocked him until he was out of my life. It's been over 3 years. He has tried to hoover. I ignored the hoover and wake up every morning grateful to be out of that dangerous situation. They will stop at nothing to get a reaction out of you: even if it makes them look gay. His friend responded as if he was a woman. I was sick to my stomach. A birthday I will never forget. Bamm that was the plan too.
My toxic neighbor who I have set boundaries with has now taken to swarming my family and I whenever we step outside our home, bombarding us with fake niceness and ridiculous questions.
How I knew that I'd crossed over the threshold of being a " Victim " to becoming Indifferent ..??
One month ago, just prior to my ending 7.5 yrs of abuse on Christmas day, I'd said to him
" Whats a song that makes you think of Me, of Us ??"
He was silent for a moment, then chuckled an evil laugh and replied,
" Crazy Bit** " by Buckcherry. The song details how the woman is Insane, but he " likes the way she fu**s him " ...
I stared, umemotional, at his face, only meeting his eyes for a second, slowly turned my head toward the truck window ( we were talking parked) and didn't respond or react, in any way. .
Whoooo! Go me!!
There's also the vulnerable narcissistic baiting: self-pity to abuse someone's compassion.
Thank you Doctor Ramani
I truly second that ❤️
I think there is also "i have sacrificed so much for you" type of baiting, when the narcissist talk about How much he helped you and how much ungrateful you are after all this "helpful" things that he's done for you. Just to make you feel guilty.
Definitely! Even though he did all those things for me with me actually telling him not to; or those things he would say he would do for me and in his mind he did them, but they never happened.
@@JinJinDoe yee, when you describe it I can almost feel it by myself - it is unbelievable how schematic narcissists are..
Or you have done for him something but then when he talks about it is suddenly "reversed" - as it was something that he has done for you (it is so surrealistic that I don't even know how to describe such situations), but I am sure everybody who has to cope with narcissist know what I am talking about.
My Narc X would announce “we’re going to. fight today” when I had absolutely no intention to. One of his other favorite statements during baiting was “Why are you getting upset? We’re just talking.” He would poke at me like poking at a beehive until I lost it and then he became completely calm.
I would suggest (in my experience) that narcissist use whatever power they have or whatever system they have access to to bait you (start a fight) especially if they can't bait you into an emotional response. For example (if they are your landlord) they insult you (in a back handed way) and when you don't respond they do things like demand an inspection so they have an excuse to go through your stuff (a power play to get you to be angry).
Off subject but it seems to me narcissist are constantly inserting themselves in your life to gain information to use against you.
Very well taken points in this manipulation expertise
Another form of baiting is staging a repeated demonstration of vulnerability in public, and once the show no longer impresses the victim, drawing attention to what a cold hearted and unresponsive person the victim is.
I'm an adult child of a Malignant narc mom & competent dad. I'm disabled & dependent on them. Also don't drive. The being stuck in the car baiting is the worst! I have a painful dental issue, they're using $ to control me. Please pray for me 💗
Being told to "Calm down" usually does the opposite. Looks like baiting to me.
Wow! I feel as you're talking to me after a session of me explaining my experience with my ex. The key to all of this it just confirms I am not crazy. Thank you so much for sharing and educating about narcissistic behavior.
Knowledge is power, understanding is wisdom. This is an educational video that is saving lives. Bless you and your beloved extended family. You are enough. I sat down with my cat Lokie, and a nice cup of hot coffee and started watching my daily dose of Doctor Ramani. She takes difficult jargon and turns it into a storytelling adventure of exciting, interesting material, and tools, and teaches us the red flags and patterns to spot in someone suffering from a personality disorder or straits that are dysfunctional and toxic. She teaches with grace and dignity the pain and hardship of living or working with someone or being affected by mental illness. Doctor Ramani has been given a gift that she chooses to share with others. She is a champion, a mentor for the many people who are suffering from a lack of education in the mental health field. Education is power.
This is so applicable to borderlines who use baiting. The similarities are too much!
Baiting is their favorite past time, next to gas lighting and lying. Once you learn their tactics and you ignore them, they don't know what to do. They are not good people.
My husband will bate me by accusing me of having an attitude when I speak to him or ask a question. I used to think I must have said something in a tone and I always tried to change or improve. Then I thought it was because he was feeling insecure and thought maybe I was attacking him. But it’s not; he’s baiting me. I noticed that he usually does this when I’ve shut down a bit and I’m trying to avoid him.
My God this is so timely. I've been watching your videos, Dr. Ramani. You've helped me a lot to cope in my current situation at the moment. I've learned from your vids to the point of chanting my mantra nowadays "I will not take the bait, I will not take the bait!" However, human as I am, it's really difficult to remain calm and stoic amidst these baiting games. And you are absolutely right because right after I would blame my self for reacting. It's really a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions. The best strategy really is to get out of the toxic relationship. But it's easier said than done 🙄☹️
We as parents and grandparents try to stay away..grey rock and stonewalling are our best tools as defences. Sad they are training our grandaughter to be just like them ..both narcs. Olivia is 11.😥
@@eveanneeskie1346 it's really sad .. there's no win-win situation with a narc. It's like a downhill ride to hell and you just don't know how to stop ☹️
My mantra is "be more Christ-like, be more Christ-like!" So, I understand the mantra thing...
“They need a fight to regulate” … truer words were never said… I’ve documented it as once or twice a week with the one in my life… it’s consistent and predictable but you never know when it’s coming… thank you for the help, Dr Ramani!
Poking the bear is what they do well. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for this video, it has opened my eyes. I know from experience being baited so many times. Walking away is what I have to do, and while walking away still shouting insults and, being critical, blaming with deflecting and over talking me.
When he realized I was no longer afraid of him, took me 29 years. He did not want to be around me. It was like he was afraid of me. I'm thankful, even after being gone 17 years, I realize the truth about him and narcissist. Thank you,
I'm blaming myself less each day.
“You, Getting upset is a form of narc supply”….have been needing to hear this ALL MY LIFE…
A family member of mine ALWAYS enjoyed making me upset, I didn’t understand why…but she would smile every time I got upset or started crying….I could clearly see her satisfied when this happened…upsetting me was like a goal she was trying hard to achieve …
It really blew my mind when I saw her happy and satisfied when I broke down…..it also broke my heart cos I knew she didn’t care.
It's all about supply, which is such a hard thing to understand when you believe in straightforward talk
IMHO. This would be helpful if taught in school.... Would arm us... And leave the Narcs with a LOT LESS vulnerable ppl
Thank you for sharing this information. It's life empowering
My immediate family of origin try to bait me every single time I see them.
Another timely upload, I was just dealing with baiting yesterday. I took a narcissistic family member's bait and lost my cool a bit. Once I became visibly upset the person in question got this sick satisfied grin on her face. The worst types of narcs absolutely get enjoyment out of making others upset. I had to just leave the house for a few hours to calm down & didn't come back until I was told she'd gone to bed.
To be honest I'm still feeling extremely anxious, uneasy and unsettled at this very moment, 12 hours after that interaction though.
Maybe a good idea for future videos would be explaining how exactly the victim in these
relationships can practice self compassion? Like, some practical suggestions for how to remain or at least re-gain a calm and centered mood after run-ins with a narcissist?
I know for me personally it's very hard to do, there are two narcissists in my life that know exactly how to push my buttons and when they really want to mess with me, a five minute interaction can unsettle me for a couple days at a time. I know exactly what they're doing as they're doing it, but if I can't physically leave the space I'm unable to be unaffected. I wish I had some kind of emotional shield I could deploy and just remain cool and calm. These interactions often throw me off my mental game so much that they interfere with my daily functioning.
True grey rocking is learning to unhook your personal feelings from the tormentors comment or attack, yes initially it is acting as if it doesn't sink in and not responding, but all the while it is distancing and watching thinking that person just said that to upset my day and get their "thrill" for the day, hmmm I'm not giving it. They are lying, it isn't about me, and I'm going on with my day. The narc loves your upset response, so when you grey rock, they get bored and do way less of it. When you can't move away this is the only way to turn down the heat. So mom says you're wearing that ugly skirt in public? Response..have a nice day see you later and leave.
My step daughter catches me off guard..very subtle. I'm often without words. Maybe that's good. Makes things seem like she's joking or she does back peddling.
First step: stare, say “really??????” And then say not one more word.
Of course they know how to push all our buttons….they installed them (with some help from us; by our sharing ourselves with them and letting our guard down!).
Yes, it is horrible and it is going to take practice, it is not easy. I say give your self a little reward when you have some success in an incident
There is the type of baiting where the narcissist acts like you in thoughts, speech, desires, past stories, and mannerisms, trying to put on an air as if they're just like you to get you to like and trust them, and finally, become co-dependent on them. In the end, they use this until they show you their true self and you're caught in the relationship, making it very hard for you to break away from them, using you as their narcissistic supply. I've gotten this one a lot.
3:00 “I wanna feel better after my tantrum” baiting ! I wanted to mock my narc so many times for all the tantrums they threw… but I always was an adult band kept it in. I laughed so hard when she pointed out what I always wanted to say they did
My younger brother does a type of baiting that I can only call "boundary baiting". Example, he'll leave his personal things in common areas (kitchen, living room, etc) and then rage when it's touched, even in a situation where someone is just cleaning up. Then, he'll go on to touch other people's belongings that actually are supposed to be in a kitchen (use your seasonings and condiments, shift the position of your small appliances, etc). The goal is to make you react while he can fall back on "you touched my stuff when you cleaned up the kitchen so I can do the same" even though the context is completely different.
After I saw all those videos on narcissism regarding boundaries, so I started to calmly, energetically, uncompromisingly set them while setting my new household, and organising my new life ... In my experience, setting boundaries works best when one starts a new living/family situation. I was able to set boundaries with most of my family members, it is easier with younger folks, and, yes, sometimes, I use money donations to smooth it up (students wellcome it). Setting boundaries with a live-in narcissist might be, at least, challenging, narcissists in my life used to get a kick out of violating them, it was some kind of pathological game for them, some kind of identity confirmation, ... it was a sick, sick, sick! The same here: going through my stuff, "reorganising" my stuff, and later enjoying in my confusion when I cannot find anythig, while rushing for newly found job, entering my room, making changes, so I see somebody was there, leaving things, "signs" in my PRIVATE bathroom, ... name it! ... it was sick! This might be the situation in your case: one, very often, and too often, cannot reason with a narcissist, specially if the gaslighting is used as attempt to, eventually, induce conflict ... once I got rid of narcissists, and started another chapter in my life, I started setting boundaries by giving lots of explanations why I need things done particular way, boundaries have to have sense, reason for existence, they have to be agreed upon ... when setting biundaries with narcissit one, too often, ends up living second hand life of constant, intractable conflict, one looses energy to charish the beautiful, valuable, deeply meaningful aspects of life, to progress, build career, ... one cannot build anything with a narcissist, except of life of vicious cycle of constant arguing, conflict, resentment, confusion ... and those costs of living unfulfilled life are too high ...
This baiting dynamic is really exhausting. For me the worst, once I understood it, was to try to predict the things my mil would say or do. Then I would spend the whole day thinking about how I would keep my cool and respond in a neutral way when something happened. Sometimes this predictability would be so funny I would even laugh because in my head I would say 'I knew it' and would regain my confidence about not reading the situation in a wrong way. But still it was exhausting and I'm really relieved I don't have to go through this everyday anymore, maybe only a few days in the month.
You nailed that dynamic except for one additional thing. I have a baiting SIL who I tried to avoid at all costs but sometimes just can't (it's a very small family and family holiday get togethers). After she would make back handed comments relating to me I kept my mouth shut for family peace but afterwards I would berate myself for way too long for not having the perfect non confrontive response that would get my thoughts across without blatantly insulting her. And, yes, that was exhaustive.
An additional note, my husband never wanted to admit his sister was always insulting me which made me angry and hurt and caused many an argument with him so when we were going to see my husband's family one day I told him that every time she insulted me I was going to tap him on the shoulder. As I walked over to him to tap his shoulder a second time he looked at me with a sort of a smile/grimace. That was not the last time I tapped his shoulder that day. He never defended the comments she made after that or told me I was too sensitive, too paranoid or took her comments too seriously.
Damn. I just got baited so hard by my narcissistic mom IN THE CAR-during a 36 hour trip designed to placate her with minimal damage to me. She sure know how to pack it in. And Dr. Ramani is really good at describing this stuff.
REGULATION BAITING --- You are correct and I personally experienced this to the highest degree possible with a covert narcissist. She had a need to REGULATE and CONTROL which also helped her FEEL SUPERIOR and temporarily alleviated her ANXIETY. They're able to cloak this extremely well but they are COMPELLED to do it..... so as time goes on, it is less likely to appear legitimate. Here's the escalation as I experienced it.
(1) It began early but I labeled them as "idiosyncracies" or "unique preferences." I could see how a normal person would find her difficult, but I'm an easy-going, flexible guy --- I can adjust to a variety of small preferences (e.g., driving speed, what route to take, music volume, etc.).
(2) Then the criticisms starts with normal, small mistakes -- but masked in HUMOR. My ex would point out when I made a tiny mistake like dropping or forgetting something-- and call them "Pauly-Wogs." Several days or weeks later, she would bring them up in front of all her friends or family at a social gathering and list them out. I asked her to stop --- although I can take a joke, these didn't have a punch line and therefore were simply humiliating and disrespectful.
(3) It then escalates into a FOCUS ON YOUR WEAKNESSES. These are legitimate areas for improvement. We all have weaknesses -- or things we could do better. The covert narc ex would latch onto my weaknesses and harp on them until they were eliminated. As a person who's driven and actually embraces self-awareness and change for self-improvement, I accepted these critiques and worked hard to act upon them. The biggest example was actually another result of her baiting --- it's when the litany of criticisms would rack up throughout the day to the point that I couldn't take any more and would explode in frustration. The outburst would only happen once every 2-3 weeks, but it would give her extreme moral superiority and she would use it as the primary reason to withhold sex (bc she felt hurt).
(4) If you actually eliminate your weaknesses (which I did through CBT), the covert narc has no place to go but to find more and more absurd things to criticize you. It got to the point where my ex would instigate fights over the smallest things (e.g., using the dryer for 15 minutes too long, parking the wrong way, footsteps too loud, poor eye contact, putting the leftovers in the fridge the wrong way, finding a dish that's not perfectly clean, etc.).
It gets to the point where you question your reality. I finally got out and it's taken a year -- still recovering my self-esteem and confidence from all the criticism over 5 years.
What's amazing is that you can see the pattern starting all over again with her new boyfriend. 6 WEEKS after I left our FIVE YEAR relationship, she's already dating another guy. She is that desperate for validation and supply --- she NEEDS someone to regulate -- or else she would have to think about HERSELF --- her own choices, behaviors and life.
New boyfriend takes the narc ex on a vacation for her 50th birthday. She posts photos on Facebook and includes it with the prominent criticism that "He keeps cutting off my face in these pics. Someday maybe he'll learn how to take a selfie!" The criticisms NEVER STOP -- it doesn't matter WHO it is or WHAT they do for you. Nothing is ever good enough.
They'll never be happy with themselves --- so they can't be happy with you.
I've experienced the subtle barbs in front of others, thankfully I didn't react strongly I picked up on it quickly. It really says you can't trust the person. It was actually one of the behaviors that made me start googling as I first found out about narcissism.
The vulnerable narcissist in my life threw back my sharing with them as "trauma dumping" after I was discarded, and it felt an awful lot like baiting, as they had actively encouraged the sharing out of me with their own similar sharing when I was first getting to know them. I didn't give them the reaction they wanted and they were visibly seething that I didn't bite back at all. It was my first experience with a vulnerable narcissist and I totally missed the warning signs for what they were because they mirrored me so effectively at the start. Told me I was like a sister and they'd never met someone so similar to themselves before. It sends chills down my spine to think that someone can be that cruel but present as so harmless at the start.
The narcissistic abuse I received ,particularly baiting, was delivered in a quiet controlled elite English accent, it was chilling, the message was always the same, that if I did not follow the rules set by him ,I would loose my job and my home,it was terrifying. Eventually I left ,the abuse was toxic
Oh yes --in the car! Alot of this sort of thing happened to me in the car. I remember pressing myself again the car door and feeling hot with shame. And he just kept on talking. He would get on a roll about what was "wrong" with me. ..Now I see it and understand what was going on!