It's critical to have your old soul translating this stuff. I'm so glad you say this. If I have doubts subconsciously, I need to listen to MY old soul too!
Ignore the flying monkeys. Make a life for yourself away from them and the narcissist. It took me decades but I did it. It was the smartest thing I ever did.
@@deesee3622 it was easy. She managed to alienate almost everyone else over the years. She’s down to one fed up flying money who’s flapping his way into retirement. I guess you could say she did the work for me.
Calling you “difficult“ is another tactic they employ to control you. Ignoring them sometimes make the bullying worse. For highly sensitive people, we have no choice but to leave jobs, friendships, family, etc. Going No Contact is the best gift anyone can give themselves.
I 💯 agree with you, struggling millennial! I left my ex 15 months ago and now I’m preparing to leave the job I’ve had for 6 years bc I recognize just how toxic my work environment is. I have been the scapegoat there as well for years. As a matter of fact, my toxic ex used to ask me why I put up with the people I worked with but wouldn’t accept his behavior. I told him I got paid to put up with the crap at work.. Hindsight proves that I should have left him and my job years ago.. I know better now.
@@mindylehrman6471 Good luck 🍀 in your job hunt. Don’t doubt yourself or your decisions. You will feel like you were set free & another door always opens for better opportunities. We DO NOT have to eat 💩 because we are getting payed. So many self employment opportunities now. We can be our own boss’s 💪 I’m trying for e-commerce. Paying a lot for the support but it’s so worth it!
@struglingmillenial the only problem with no contact is when powerful people such as judges allow the narcissist to bully you through your personal phone cloned by them to monitoring and surveillance gadgets which they’re proud of. Ok money they have but they can’t control my THOUGHTS.
Because there ARE a lot more NARCS than society is admitting. But by challenging this FALSE DOGMA, it's allegedly "One finger pointing out is THREE pointing BACK AT YOU! Nah nah NAH nah NAH!!" reaction by their ENABLERS. I'd rather just LONE WOLF it myself, AFTER THAT!
It's really hard to "surgically" remove the narcissist from your life and nobody else. You have to expect some people, even people who are not fundamentally bad, will side with them... I've noticed one of my biggest struggles when it comes to getting rid of toxic people is fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment, not from the toxic person (good riddance!!) but from everybody else who might not read the situation the same way. The more I learn to be okay with that, the better I feel able to make healthy choices and stick to them.
Well stated, narcs do everything in their power to isolate their target. They turn people against you who you believe to be supportive. I have learned from this is to build my confidence and self-esteem, because, at the end of the day, I am alone in sorting things out. No one can rescue us, but ourselves. If we run to others about narcs, we are doing exactly what narcs do to us, gathering flying monkeys. I also believe silence is key and rigid boundaries is the only way to defeat narcs. Arguing and standing your ground with narcs only empowers them.
@@LittleRobotNX01 I completely agree, the Enabling probably hurt me more over the long term. Also, Enablers have a habit of trying to bring the Narc back into your life in some form (at the very least by playing down the Narc's awful behaviour)
Currently, I have an entire town (my old hometown)upset with me for setting boundaries with my narc sister. It's difficult to go back for visits, so I don't go as often as I used to. When I encounter an enabler who disrespects me, it validates my decision to keep my distance. Difficult but necessary for self-preservation.
Yes, it is a difficult situation and we feel like the bad guy for setting boundaries and protecting ourselves. All you are explaining is so true. Thank you so much for this Dr. Ramani💕💕💕
That is an issue that you need to find a solution for. When you get to the stage that you don't feel the bad guy for setting boundaries then you know you have solved the problem.
This caused me much more pain than the narcissistic abuse itself. Because when I was being abused, I was not self-aware. But I came to learn that each person that did this to me was equally narcissistic as my abusers; therefore, they knew once I took off the rose-colored glasses, they were next on the chopping board. It hurt because I had to let go of so many people. After all, they were not comfortable with me having boundaries and being authentic. I started learning that the unhealthy people in my life were not happy with my authenticity because they were used to gaslighting me and extracting supplies from me. I was the giver in every relationship, so they were having a difficult time with me now making demands.
I am in the same process right now and I experience exactly the same. People I used to helped so much suddenly call me selfish and only today one wrote me, that if I am back to normal she might be so generous considering talking to me again!!??! So sick!! I am so thankful for Dr Ramani and all you out there, I learn so much from your statements, thank you for sharing 🙏
Hard same! This just happened to me too. So happy I have other people outside of that circle that know me and support me. I reached out to the group I left (led by one sneaky narcissist) after a while and they acted like *I* should be the one apologizing.. for being neglected.. because me leaving "hurt them soooo much". The audacity, honestly! But most importantly, I did what was right for me and I'm not playing games with 35+ year old people who act like they're cliques in middle school and keep people close to use as groupies, doormats and canon fodder. I want reciprocal relationships where both parties are equal, cheering on each other and sharing. It hurt, but it was very nice to leave as well, like a breath of fresh air after suffocating for a long time. The gap after them is now being filled with better things! Thanks for sharing
I’m called overly sensitive and emotional if I show any reaction to hurtful words or behaviors. If I set boundaries and distance myself (not wanting to go to family functions, etc.) I’m made to feel like I’m the bad guy. It really hurts my feelings when enablers protect the people who are hurting me.I love you Dr. Ramani. You’re the only person in my life that makes me feel better about the hurtful people that I can’t get away from.
My family operates the same exact way. I didn't attend a family function for almost a year, because 'my' abusive Narc is also my sister and I had cut ties with her. Now I just show up looking like dynamite to drive her jealousy nuts! Lol. It's crazy how little she means to me now, when 2.5 years ago I was completely wiped out from having to cut her out of my life.
Bria, reacting to them only gives them more 'fuel' to throw in your face. Not reacting at all drives them crazy. You have to learn how to completely ignore them, and walk away, even if that means never getting another 'jab' in to put them in their place.
My old boss, I recognized the toxic situation and quickly got out. I tried to work around him and got comments like "oh Marina, its too early in the morning for this." And "you need to have a conversation with (him) and resolve this." That was HR and compliance. He gave me a low performance rating even though exit surveys from patients gave me great reviews. I stood my ground and walked out. They have not been able to fill my position since July. Thank you Dr. Ramani you are the baddest of the bad ass.
Empowering & the only rational way to deal w/the horrendous mess. It's lonely. But the alternative is unthinkable. Currently, the (Hot potato) Narc has been dumped back on their enabling, Flying Monkey family of origin. Behind granite, no contact boundaries. Needless to say they are "Not happy Bob....Not....Happy" (Incredibles). I'm lonely...true. But they are currently living in HE double hockey sticks & they refuse to access the available off ramps. Up to them. Not my monkey. Not my circus.
I was bullied when I was younger (before bullying was such big news) and I learned this early on..I later worked in very dangerous jobs and had it solidified. Who knew God was using the school bus to teach me to survive? Lol. Then I married into a family with the most evil narcissist as a FIL. I thank God that He allowed me to have the "I don't care what you think of me attitude" all those years ago; I can see the narc for who and what he is (thanks to Dr. Ramani) and I am not afraid to stand up and say "NO MORE" to protect my kids and my own marriage from he and my MIL's toxic crap. I am truly labeled the villain in our family by others but I don't care! And my little household has never been happier!
People that get "frustrated" with me or imply that I'm not being a 'team player" (my main narcs are in my workplace) when I'm not taking the bait, or not being suitably grateful for their hoovering efforts and breadcrumbs they offer have become the clues that I need to maintain the boundaries even more.
This sounds hauntingly familiar. The “team player” card creates such an “us” and “them” distortion that can feel very isolating. Stay strong and good luck!
I know a composer/owner of a successful studio that uses this exact language to guilt trip people into accepting unethical work practices and mental abuse under a sugar coating of "we are crazy artists who like to party and work and never rest" exept he parties and the others are the ones working and never resting and who have to deal with skipped paydays.
It's the importance of overcoming the fear of being labeled, and being the target of a false gossip. It has NO Power. God knows who you are and you should be comfortable in your defense of integrity and truth. Overcoming the fear of opinions of others is so liberating and makes one strong and firm as a rock. That's the feeling we should have and generate, not the fear.
I totally agree! It's better to be free and to leave them to their own opinions. It's the right thing to do because they are free to believe and act however they want. My struggle to correct their false impressions of me is exactly what feeds the fire. Trying to control the narrative with people like this is pointless because they think their opinions are TRUTH and they will never relinquish control of it. They lack empathy and will never be able to see any perspective but their own.
Patience, confidence, and using the DEEP method is crucial as a boundary setting person. I unknowingly did this years ago and was isolated in my silence and distance. I kept the idea of what comes around goes around in my back pocket for silent strength. Shortly after me distancing myself we relocated3 hours away and lost all physical and electronic communication. A whole 10 years later I received a long handwritten letter from an acquaintance in that social circle. She revealed she never understood my huge step back until recently with a series of dysfunctional perplexing situations. It was shocking to read but comforting to finally get validation. Sometimes you get validation from the universe in different ways and times not relative to the abuse. Have faith.
I've taken a huge step back (from a family group) as well- like Abraham says, you're gonna be judged! You'll never be able to control the way other people perceive you... but when you get validated years later for doing what's best for your own personal well being, that is a huge gift from the universe. So glad to hear it does happen, gives us hope.
@@kathleengalek1064 deep method is 1) D stand for donot defend. 2)E is donot engage. 3) E is donot explain. 4)p stand for donot personalize any thing. If u need further detail can watch dr Romani videos on deep technique.
I fantasize about having everyone his lies were used on with a therapist in a room and the truth talked out.i know it will never happen but I can dream for a day when I have value to others
I love the final thought that part of the healing process involves being okay with other people not being okay. Evolving past people pleasing is no small feat! Thanks Dr. Ramani :)
Yes! This has happened to me many times (people who I mention things about the situation to have said: well maybe this is about something that you’re doing? Maybe this is a self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe you should be more loving toward these people?). It’s been hard to hear these things from people who I know don’t fully understand narcissism. I’ve come to accept that some people don’t accept narcissism.
Oh aren't they just a big fat nothing help! It's really an amazement/wonderment that we ever thought they might be some help in this.... No wonder it just all leads to more alienation for us! We're giving them more credit for a little common sense than they deserved!
@@nolongtinghere ha! Thank you for your support around this - I really appreciate it. The level of narcissistic abuse I’ve experienced has been painful and I’m still recovering and sending as much love as I can to myself and others. Thank you so much 😊
@@kathleengalek1064 I have just hit 40yrs old this year and only coming to the realisation that people close to me in my life ( all of them besides one!) have all been narcs or enablers. Have now managed after a couple of clear out stages to get rid of all enablers and postive fairies out my life. Am currently trying to grips with this realisation that like our dear Dr mentions , it is a terrible problem which has been left to fester and spread in our society over the years and that it happened to me! Unfortunatly am currently stuck in a situation where i live with my narc but with the help of everyone on this and other channels, I know for sure , we all here who can see and realise what has happened to us , we gon be ok now . ❤️✌️
I always think about the consequences of not setting boundaries. I'd rather be called selfish ( or boujee as my family says) than how things were before they knew that I understood the dynamic.
Exactly. I would rather be called rude for not engaging with a narc, than having no boundaries. I would rather have a whole village not talking to me, and I will just focus on my MH and hobbies. I don't need such people in my lives, there are many hermits and hey, it is ok to be a hermit.
This is especially true when the narcissistic person is a parent in a culture where family relationships are held sacred and filial piety is expected. When you disengage and stop talking to your parent, your other family members think youre being too mean to your elderly parent, even when that person's behaviors for decades have caused severe dysfunction in the family and have persisted to this day.
Spot on, you’re the difficult one. To them only, as accountability isn’t on their radar. Once it’s been allowed to happen for decades with others fearing their intimidation, the only choice we have is walking away and/or setting boundaries. I walked.
@@motorcityblacksheep121 I walked away too gone cold Turkey and the entire family is talking about me saying how I don’t care etc. I really don’t care, covert narc mother driving me crazy for the past 30 years. I don’t care what her family and friends think I’m the bad one with no feelings etc! I gave up!!!
I forgave my mother for her abuse, and now that she has Alzheimers and is easier to be around than ever, I am the one relegated to staying with her during the day while my father runs our business. Years ago, I finally put up boundaries to her, and I told her it was despicable how she pitted her own children against each other. We were all so close growing up (I'm one of eight kids), and now we are not and things are strained. The irony is she has no comprehension now of what she has done to us. I decided to forgive her for my own peace of mind and for the fact that, like me, she is a r@p€ victim who never got help to work through the trauma.
Funny how people who hate you so much and call you a loser, are the ones who complain when you disappear, and they are the ones who have stolen money while you made your own. I think they worry that when you disappear you may be telling someone the truth about it all, and they have no power over that :)
I'm currently in the stage of breaking through to the other side. Every time I listen to you Doc it gives me confidence and strength helping me pull through to the other side 👊🏻
I feel the same way and makes it hard to trust anyone now especially when you have been hurt and and abused it took me right at 3 years before I figured out what was going on until one morning everything just blew up like a bomb she discarded me that's when I started figuring all this out if so yes it does make it hard I trust someone again
I went 'grey rock' eight years ago. Not only my former Narc spouse, but my former Narc MIL still enlist flying monkey family members to do their bidding. My daughter is getting married in 2022 & they are 'worried' that people will think I'm cold if I don't talk to them @ the event.🙄 Translation: They are insecure.
“Self preservation is a right. Always remember that. If that makes you a bad person, then I will happily call myself the baddest of the bad.” Yes! Get down with your bad self! 🙌 🎉💯
Oh boy! No one wants a reality check! I'm not one for going for coffe with the ladies, everyone complains about everything! I'm all for venting but where have people been? Are we the first to be neglected by our families, the first spouses to be unhappy 😡? Feeling poor? My goodness you don't have your health you don't have anything!
This happened this morning with my parents. I overheard them talking negatively about me and my mom threw me under the bus with lies about what I said about a family function. I stood up for myself and said it wasn’t true, and showed them the text conversation proving it. My dad brushed it off and said oh it’s not a big deal and my mom apologized but they always do this. Always. No matter what I say or do. It’s super hurtful and makes me not trust them not want to be around them. I constantly express and exert boundaries yet they’re rarely respected, and I’m always told to ‘not get upset’. I try to explain but they never get it and never change. It’s maddening. Trying to keep disengaging, clean house and keep the boundaries I can. Perhaps I need to move far away. Thank you 🙏
Dr Ramani will you do a video on dissociative disorders and how to navigate narcissists and narcissistic abuse? It seems lots of us with very toxic narcissistic parents have dissociative disorders and it makes it really hard to remember the abuse and know what happened especially if you have alters and parts.
I’m going through this right now.. and for the past few months once I learnt it’s called narcissism… it’s a lonely place but I focus on my children and do a lot of self care like exercising, going to parks and enjoy nature!! 😔 thanks Dr Ramani.. now that I know what to look out for, i trust there will be brighter days ahead for me!!
@@melw3313 It does feel like a never ending episode of a Twilight zone movie!! It’s actually with people I’ve known for over 20yrs and the whole time I was being a good friend.. they were smearing my name amongst other friends.. people whom I welcomed into the group started to treat me badly for no reason.. so knowing it’s Narcs and enablers and flying monkeys.. I was able to grab back the reins of my life.. and stare towards what makes me happy.. my faith and my children first !!
This describes my entire life with my mother. Also every job where we “are a family” so they ca get free labor and I don’t want to be part of the family. I just want to do the job I agreed to. And I had a friend who slept with my boyfriend. Later I was told she was willing to be friends with me, but I was being mean for not having anything to do with her. Thank you so much for this video. I feel so alone for drawing boundaries that no one respects, but I am treated like the problem.
Dr Ramani, thank you. Your words are indescribable help. When listening to you, I have the impression I’m listening to the best friend who always wants the best for me.
The people who come to call me out for setting good boundaries are the same people that need to be cut off in the second round of boundaries. I appreciate how easy they make it for me to decide!
Dr. Ramani, your videos have helped me so much. As much as I want a relationship with my dad, you've helped me realize that the relationship I want isnt possible. You've helped me feel not guilty for doing what I need to do so I can be healthy and happy, that stepping away and standing with my boundaries is ok and is valid, regardless of what the narcissist thinks. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I deeply feel only therapists who have experienced Narcissistic Abuse and recovered can fully understand the nature of the dynamic. Humans just aren't wired to believe such long term predatory dynamics exist.
Thank you for this reminder. Often I am the one left standing alone and start thinking maybe I AM the one with the problem because I refuse to be treated poorly. Lifelong conditioning I guess and people not liking the truth
It is extremely hurtful when you think the people you thought the people you love can devalue what you've been through my Circle for family and friends has shrunk to olny a few now and of course I'm the bad guy very hurtful 😢
Watching your videos, I wish I had known all these things earlier. My childhood, teen and young adult years would have been tons easier, but! Better late than never :) Thank you for your work!
It’s amazing what nasty things others say when you start loving yourself… but I’d rather be considered the b*t*h than the doormat! THANK YOU for your wisdom!
Dr Ramani, you've been one of the most important influences in my recovery and healing process. This video has helped me immensely. Thank you for all you do. ❤️💕
Yes! I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you as a mental health professional the amount you probably get gaslighted. Your wisdom has truly changed our lives and generosity for sharing all that wisdom for all the victims really shows the exceptional person you are. Can't thank you enough!
I equate this to playing tennis everyday with a professionally trained player, while being an amateur. Exhausting! The game is designed for the player to set you up, throwing you off, wait for your reaction upsetting you to win the point. This will happen on the court or off, in conversation and social situations. Heaven forbid the amateur figures it out, decides not play, calls them out for cheating, or is just tired of being their supply for their psyche or ego. If others don't understand this dynamic, the amateur will be ridiculed for not playing, considered a bad sport or a sore loser. Heaven forbid as an amateur player you actually beat them at their game. Whoa! If this happens, just wait for their excuses, their injured, soreness, the weather,etc. and accusations, you made them lose, etc. Beware: remember for tennis players the game starts at Love/Love! Game, Set, Match! They love to win!
Bullseye! You got me again. The most difficult thing about this is the gaslighting: it causes others to join the narcissist's efforts to hurt and manipulate you; all the while, manipulating them as well...
Oh gosh, this is happening right now! This is the first time I've ever had enough confidence to stand on my own, and start setting healthy boundaries, thanks to you Dr Ramani 🙏 😊 ❤
@@Chahlie Yes.. yes it is: 🐛.. 🦋 Be free precious one, power on! Seek kindness in others.. kind people are hard to find (sad) butt, we must find one another. Usually those who are actively enduring adversity appreciate and share kindness in return if their wounds are not to deep. 🍂
15 years of undiagnosed abuse and then I said enough ,,, insult to injury the „man“ persona of a man killed himself in my birthday just as a final reminder !! Yeah head games, I think I would maybe have needed so much therapy but ,,,, divine intervention called Dr Ramani saved my heart , mind and soul , and I’m eternally grateful xxx
Oh I snapped to this notification IMMEDIATELY. This is MY LIFE. I set boundaries, ask for behavior I want without emotion but with determination, I don’t play. I feel HEALTHY but, boy oh boy, do I get grief. Lol…. I hear, “WELL THATS NOT VERY NICE.” Ha ha! Not FOR YOU, maybe, but I’m gonna live my best life. I used to question myself as being the narcissist in this relationship. I took tests, thought I needed therapy to see if I was a narcissist because I started throwing fits. But as I studied, I found that NO ONE EVER called me arrogant, self-centered, a bully, a manipulator. As an RN, I would have SURELY been told! In fact, I get embarrassed when they say, “You’re so nice and the best nurse ever” when I had only brought them a blanket while doing their chemo, starting their difficult IV and keeping after their doctor. It’s the GENUINE simple acts of kindness this narcissist I live with that would make his life so much better, but, of course you know THAT isn’t going to happen. My go to phrase to him that shuts him up? “All I ask is for you to be a gentleman.” Hope this helps someone else?
yes, me too i didn't realise many people feel this way as well, i sometimes think maybe it's me that i don't have self confidence enough to step up to my brother, sometimes i try to run away, resort to series gaming or studying for my med school, i think you really is a nice person maybe you won't hear it from them but you don't need to.. i hope you have the strength to go through this too
My retort to any statement made by a narcissist or an enabler is "well if i'm that bad a person why can't you make it work with me like i've to make it work with you or them". Their contorted face is a picture that lives rent free in my head.
A long, long time ago in the land of land lines, before UA-cam, a woman, booth renter, in an antique store wanted to do some business venture with me. After listening to her grandiose ideas and no result, I disengaged. But she kept Hoovering me by calling our house phone. I usually answered, but for a month I had my father answer because I knew she would be calling. My father took her messages, told me call her, and began calling me “ disagreeable, unkind, a bad person.” This hurt! This was many years ago when narcissism was just a dictionary word and not used by psychologists. What happened with that woman? She was just a low level dealer in the antique store but got the owner to redesign the store and put her stuff up in front. Shark attack! So right Dr. Ramani.
My own 4siblings have done this to me, especially the last 10 years of my Narcissistic mother's life. I am 8,11, and 12 years older than the last 3 children and my parents, but especially my mother, basically badmouthed me about everything. I basically went no contact with her,but talked with my Dad. I didn't go home for 10 years because of her. She was definitely the pot stirrer and absolutely loved creating conflict and drama. It killed me not to go home, because they lived in Duxbury on the Cape Cod bay. I crave seafood and the ocean! But for my own mental health I had to stay away. The sister next to me and I were the scapegoats growing up. But for peace sake and her shaky sanity ( she took a job and moved to Geneva, Switzerland to get away from my mother) kept telling me, along with the rest, to not be so difficult and spiteful all the time. These are the only 2 parents we will ever have. Can't I find it in my heart to forgive and be engaged with them? Funny coming from her, a continent away from her! I won't get into my Narcissistic husband.
Almost the same experience here. Narcissistic mother, enabling father, flying monkey sisters AND extremely conservative religious upbringing. I broke the cycle.
Oh yes, it is a given that you are bad if you go no contact with a parent. “She is the only mother you’ll ever have!“ Look at all the Hallmark Channel reconciliation movies. Ten Commandments, all of that. The enabler‘s fail to see who really rejected whom.
I love this!!! “If you set boundaries, you are not a bad person. You’re a truth teller. People hate that narcissism is a thing (therefore they criticize truth tellers for talking about it.) Also, your behavior (truth telling) reminds people that they cannot stick their heads in the sand anymore because your truth telling may mean that the narcissist will start to target them instead since you are no longer taking their abuse.”
Hi Shelly definitely agree with you there no matter what you do I will never ever be good enough they always find some fault you can never please them it may three years before I finally figured out what the hell is going on but I didn't know what the moment until she had discarded me and I stumbled across these videos and from there I have learned a lot I'll pick up the pieces and move on in my life and I wish you the best Shelly hang in there
@@grayhaygood9642 thank you. Sounds like a horribly confusing, bewildering, and self esteem destroying rollercoaster. Was it a relatively long relationship, or one where you felt a lot of love for her? I hope the damage she did can be overcome and your life fully reclaimed, albeit wiser and better able to detect the narcs..... Remember, low intelligence sociopathic, psychopathic and sadistic, can/will pass themselves off as the "benign" type. So go cautiously even if someone seems to only have "mild traits" of narcissism. HG Tudor is worth a listen on this stuff, how the malignant upwards abusers pass as only mild narcs.
I can relate to this a lot, I haven't been called difficult but I've been treated as though I were difficult. If I didn't know what narcissism is I would be getting into arguments and confronting people about things I thought were unfair and doing all the things narcissists like you to do so they can say that you're the bad guy. I would like to go into a lot more detail but it would just be too long-winded, but I'm up to my eyebrows in narcissistic people, some of whom abuse through confrontations and angry outbursts that they expect you to join in and others who use subtle criticisms and soft discards to covey their disdain for me. I spend a lot of time doing grey rock and using the DEEP technique and they see it as me having a mental health issue because I'm not reacting to their provcations. I certainly feel the hurt but comment sections like this are the only place I have to express it.
In my case these were his relatives and even my God mother, I felt so alone but I had met your videos. So I stood my truth and disengaged even from them. The peace when the grief is gone
This is how everything started for me 2 years ago. Some family’s members ( included my mother) created a big mess just because they wanted be part of my party. Not a birthday, but a simple dance party with few friends of mine .They called me out as difficult, impossible and crazy too... Try to put me down in every way possible so that was finally my waking up call and I ‘ve started put boundaries , but that wasn’t enough . Then I went no contact ! I’ve started to read and follow this topic to understand better myself and toxicity inside my family. Therapy is also so important!
Thank you so much for this. It’s so true - people who set boundaries, stop enabling, and hold onto their truth, are superheroes. We are strong. We are powerful. We rock don’t we? Peace and love. ♥️
It would just be nice if narcs stopped being EVIL, manipulative, vindictive, self-absorbed, fill in the blank ungodly trait...wishful thinking 😆 *Happy Friday everyone including you Dr. Ramani* ☺
I wish they - the narcies, psychos and sociopaths - could get their own desert island with only themselves on it, so they would have to pick on each other
I've had a very polite/sweet words version of this. Sadly this sweet person has now become one of their targets. Oh and a psychiatrist said my seeing this person as a narcissist, was actually me having a personality disorder making me see threats where there were none.... I spoke to all the medics and therapists I know: colleagues, friends of decades, and they said "nope", you can't just develop a PD at age 39, and besides, after 20 years, I think I would have noticed a PD!
Yes Yes Yes.... I am backing off after 45 years of abuse by my family of origin (mother is emotionally immature and self absorbed enabler, father and brother straight narcissistic) and Yes i am experiencing it all. Feeling grief, rage, Hurt, alone, sidelined, gaslighted and invalidated still second guessing myself if i am being too much. But i Just cant stand it any more now that i understand the dynimics. Its comes down to it either me or them. Basic survival
Thank you so much dr Ramani❤ self preservation is our right, and living your authentic life with dignity and integrity scares the hell out of people, especially narcissistic. There is no version of the story where everyone is satisfied. I want to heal from a Lifetime of narcissistic abuse and wish everyone the same 😊
Setting boundaries with a Narcissist never ever works. They take delight in running all over them. Out of the mess once again. I was beating up on myself for returning, well that doesn't help can't tell you how my anxiety has reduced. I thought wow so nice to not be accountable to anyone. Thanks for your videos Dr. Ramani. 💕
I let my abusive Narc sister back in to my life just a little, and then she hung up on me again for the last time. I will never answer the phone again if she calls. (She tried and got no answer and no call back.) Boundaries. It's totally freeing.
That happened to me at work. I simply couldn’t allow myself to become the people I worked with who excused the bad behavior of the boss. They gave their life to him. Bent over backward for him. The entire division was bent to please him. I couldn’t stand it.
This is difficult, we must stay consistent to our pledge to ourselves. This has worked for me and those I guide 1. deep breath, 2. affirm your boundaries to yourself and 3. manage the trigger with a step of action that will serve you. Remain calm and committed to yourslef always. For years, I didnt manage triggers and it robbed me a wonderful life that I now have approach within. Thank you Dr. Ramani and best wishes for us all!
Spirit means breath in latin. The holy Spirit actually means to breath whole. Keeping awareness of the full breath in a situation will help one to remain the observer.
I went no contact with my ex narcissist. I was accused of being vindictive, angry and resentful. NO people, I was abused. Lately he has been offering friendship and help and people said he has changed. Yea right, he then withdrew his help. BAM
Yup, my husband told me for far too long to just "turn the other cheek", "be the better person" etc etc when it came to my mom - I used to tell him I only have 2 cheeks and they've both been slapped and I am a better person since I've grey rocked and firewalled my mom. It's taken him 10 yrs to understand this and stop calling me difficult for reasonably protecting myself with solid boundaries. Cheers Doc!
6:43 Sooo true, I've didn't notice it before... 7:46 also soo true, and I always say that unhealthy or toxic people hates psychology as a science because it raises awareness about toxic and maladaptive behaviors... 14:02 Beautiful! after so many years of being hyper sensitive, half codependent people pleaser, a while ago I've come to this conculusion too. Self preservation is indeed a fundamental human right. That's what I like about USA constutition... Right to pursuit of happiness... Thank you Dr.Ramani 🤍
Every time something happens with me, I look up your videos and there is always one that deals exactly with what I am going through, as if you are walking my life with me. You are my rock, and my absolute confirmation that I am not crazy, and that no matter how difficult it is, I am on the right path. Much gratitude Dr. Ramani, more than you'll ever know
❤ I'm reminded of the origins of the word "nice" Is being "nice" enough? There is a common practice these days of taking everyday words and making them mean something other than what they did originally. If you have read Orwell's "1984" it was called "newspeak" and the bible describes it as calling evil >good and good> evil. And in the case of the word nice...thats exactly whats happened. The origin of the word nice is the opposite of how most mean to use it today....it meant foolish or stupid. I dare say that the definition hasn't strayed too much....if someone is considered a good person... only because they're nice?
Interesting you should say this... I've known MANY horrible "niceholes" throughout my life and came up with that term about 30 yrs. ago. Way before the narcissism light bulb came on for me. Everyone has it in them to be "nice." That's how cons con.
When they did that at first it was hurtful as you say...but when you get to the "Enough Zone" you look down the tunnel, see where you've come from and you turn face forward again, it's then realize when you are actually happily in the, "I don't give a shit zone"! It's so good to be healing and DONE. I couldn't have done it without you Dr. Ramani. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤ heart. After cutting out the dead weight, I feel very light and can't wait to see where my life goes from here.
This is a lesson I am learning right now: My setting boundaries is resulting in a no-win situation. I'm working in a nest of enablers for a covert/self-righteous narcissist. What's most disheartening is their fear in confronting her when they know her ideas for our organization are unsustainable and reckless, but don't have the courage to tell her. When I challenged her idea, I was demonized and attacked, called a liar and a manipulator - which is the very thing she is.
Dear Ramani, here’s an example of this video and of how your material has helped: Fairly early into a new job this year reporting to head of HR, I realised they were extremely narcissistic. My peers all rationalised and enabled the abuse. I accepted they wouldn’t change and stopped engaging their abuse or gaslighting and became completely calm - let it roll like water off a ducks back, responding as though their abusive words had never even happened. I might sometimes let out a slight ‘“Hmm” and keep going. So sad and curious to watch as they got extremely frustrated at the absence of any response by me. They amplified the abuse, literally screaming at me (always in private, via video). One example: I delivered a large body of work early and they yelled at me for being late and incompetent. I stayed calm. I continued on as if the abusive statements never happened. They kept trying to find ways under my skin. A few times, when I found I was beginning to lose my calm at the gaslighting and absurd accusations, I just ‘dropped’ the internet connection, saying ‘sorry, lost internet’ when rejoined. The enablers still refused to do anything but defend the narc (apparently the narc’s behaviours were faultless), and I was repeatedly berated as being difficult and ‘not contributing’. When I calmly asked “Would you please help me understand the basis of that assessment?” they’d accuse me of being aggressive and abusive. Calmly asking “Would you please help me understand how asking for feedback is aggressive?” the enablers would also lose their shit and start yelling and gaslighting further. During a team meeting all three of them complained to the head of HR that I was aggressive and difficult, though were unable to cite a single example, and got angry when I calmly asked. The narc literally said to me “Yes, you’re clearly being aggressive!” Me again, “Would you please help me understand how asking…” I was cut off, and berated with “You just don’t listen, do you”. I sat there, unresponsive. Okay, maybe a slight eyebrow raise… Two weeks later the head of HR ‘restructured’ my role and I no longer reported to them though everything else about my role stayed the same (unfortunately, in this collapsed economy, I need the income, so chose to stay). When they informed me about it they assumed “I’m sure this is upsetting to be demoted to such a low level.” I replied, “Thank you for asking, I appreciate it. I feel relief.” They then proceeded to yell and berate me that ‘relief’ was absurd, the wrong answer, proof of my incompetence… Damn, we lost internet again…. Oops 🙃
I needed this. I've been called unhinjed, psychotic, immature and spiteful for refusing to take the bait. I've been gaslit to hell and back, and I've burned bridged with people I had once called friends who sided with and enabled the narcissist. In the end, I simply understood that I am not responsible for other people's thoughts and actions, and also that what they say or think of me has no bearing whatsoever on who I am.
Ruminaring is the one that keeps me locked in when the actual narc is long gone although these videos have given me understanding as to my healing. Thank you.
Yes, this has happened way more times than I can count. I remember telling someone I know through the open mic nights how I felt about the people who drink and how they make me feel uncomfortable and how I felt alcoholics were all losers and they told me that I was being judgmental. It's like, no I'm just getting old and mature enough to realize that some social circles aren't worth my time and I feel much more emotionally healthy not engaging in those circles anymore.
“The funny thing is, when you don’t let people disrespect you, they start calling you difficult.”
- Tom Hardy
YESSSSS!!! 👊👏
Omg 💯💯💯
He’s amazing.
Handsome and smart
This is Tom Hardy the actor, not the author of Tess of the d'Urbervilles? Just checking 😉
"You're being difficult"
Narc Translation: You're not letting me manipulate you.
So true
It's critical to have your old soul translating this stuff. I'm so glad you say this. If I have doubts subconsciously, I need to listen to MY old soul too!
exactly
That is sooooooo correct!!!!
😅 yes 👍
“I disengage with toxic people. What’s your super power?”
I've gotta turn this in to a tee shirt. Loveeee! 💞
Ignore the flying monkeys. Make a life for yourself away from them and the narcissist. It took me decades but I did it. It was the smartest thing I ever did.
yeah you have to cut ties with anyone closely attached to them
@@deesee3622 it was easy. She managed to alienate almost everyone else over the years. She’s down to one fed up flying money who’s flapping his way into retirement. I guess you could say she did the work for me.
@@bitterbeauty6144 oh yeah when they alienate you, take it, run with it and dont ever look back
Your circle gets much smaller initially and that's ok...for all you out there worrying that you are alone, you are not!
We've ourselves and that's to who we truly belong to!
Quality over quantity.
Thank you for kind comment Katy; this is challenging ❤️
@@gingerfellah5665 I'm with you 100%. Going through very similar it sounds like! Love Dr. Ramani and this community of support and 'getting it'!
yes...my mom and the ex narc are discarded
Calling you “difficult“ is another tactic they employ to control you. Ignoring them sometimes make the bullying worse. For highly sensitive people, we have no choice but to leave jobs, friendships, family, etc. Going No Contact is the best gift anyone can give themselves.
I 💯 agree with you, struggling millennial! I left my ex 15 months ago and now I’m preparing to leave the job I’ve had for 6 years bc I recognize just how toxic my work environment is. I have been the scapegoat there as well for years. As a matter of fact, my toxic ex used to ask me why I put up with the people I worked with but wouldn’t accept his behavior. I told him I got paid to put up with the crap at work.. Hindsight proves that I should have left him and my job years ago.. I know better now.
@@mindylehrman6471 definitely my current situation.
@@mindylehrman6471 Good luck 🍀 in your job hunt. Don’t doubt yourself or your decisions. You will feel like you were set free & another door always opens for better opportunities. We DO NOT have to eat 💩 because we are getting payed. So many self employment opportunities now. We can be our own boss’s 💪 I’m trying for e-commerce. Paying a lot for the support but it’s so worth it!
@struglingmillenial the only problem with no contact is when powerful people such as judges allow the narcissist to bully you through your personal phone cloned by them to monitoring and surveillance gadgets which they’re proud of. Ok money they have but they can’t control my THOUGHTS.
Toxic people love other toxic people that’s the point and most of them are toxic! Hardly anyone does self work anymore or takes accountability
Amen.
Absolutely true!
I agree with you on this, 100%.
I'm sick and tired of being forced to deal with other people's BS.
That is so true : “people either get it or they don’t “
Currently practicing radical acceptance around this because it’s difficult
Same.
Because there ARE a lot more NARCS than society is admitting. But by challenging this FALSE DOGMA, it's allegedly "One finger pointing out is THREE pointing BACK AT YOU! Nah nah NAH nah NAH!!" reaction by their ENABLERS.
I'd rather just LONE WOLF it myself, AFTER THAT!
Yes, I am keeping my circle very small, very few people understand or notice narcissistic abuse
It's really hard to "surgically" remove the narcissist from your life and nobody else. You have to expect some people, even people who are not fundamentally bad, will side with them... I've noticed one of my biggest struggles when it comes to getting rid of toxic people is fear of loneliness, rejection and abandonment, not from the toxic person (good riddance!!) but from everybody else who might not read the situation the same way. The more I learn to be okay with that, the better I feel able to make healthy choices and stick to them.
This needs to be, like, one of the first things you deal with in the second session of therapy. We need to go RIGHT INTO THIS.
Well stated, narcs do everything in their power to isolate their target. They turn people against you who you believe to be supportive. I have learned from this is to build my confidence and self-esteem, because, at the end of the day, I am alone in sorting things out. No one can rescue us, but ourselves. If we run to others about narcs, we are doing exactly what narcs do to us, gathering flying monkeys. I also believe silence is key and rigid boundaries is the only way to defeat narcs. Arguing and standing your ground with narcs only empowers them.
@@LittleRobotNX01 in my opinion, enablers are the worst because you don't see their betrayal coming
@@LittleRobotNX01 I completely agree, the Enabling probably hurt me more over the long term. Also, Enablers have a habit of trying to bring the Narc back into your life in some form (at the very least by playing down the Narc's awful behaviour)
Currently, I have an entire town (my old hometown)upset with me for setting boundaries with my narc sister. It's difficult to go back for visits, so I don't go as often as I used to. When I encounter an enabler who disrespects me, it validates my decision to keep my distance. Difficult but necessary for self-preservation.
Yes, it is a difficult situation and we feel like the bad guy for setting boundaries and protecting ourselves. All you are explaining is so true. Thank you so much for this Dr. Ramani💕💕💕
That is an issue that you need to find a solution for. When you get to the stage that you don't feel the bad guy for setting boundaries then you know you have solved the problem.
@@raccuia1 Yes❤
You will never win. Passive agressive, mean? So true. my truth is what keeps me calmed. Thanks for this. Being a loner has its merits.
@@jacqnewyorker5619 My pleasure💕
@@Carly4now Yes, you are right❤
My daughter's divorce is final. I'm so proud of her. 🥂
Dear Jolene, you can have him!
Jolene, if you are out there, your ass is grass! #kylie #dragrace
Congratulations 🎈🍾🎉!
Congratulations to your daughter! She's so strong 💪
It's Joanne's turn to suffer 🤷🏻♀️
This caused me much more pain than the narcissistic abuse itself. Because when I was being abused, I was not self-aware. But I came to learn that each person that did this to me was equally narcissistic as my abusers; therefore, they knew once I took off the rose-colored glasses, they were next on the chopping board. It hurt because I had to let go of so many people. After all, they were not comfortable with me having boundaries and being authentic.
I started learning that the unhealthy people in my life were not happy with my authenticity because they were used to gaslighting me and extracting supplies from me. I was the giver in every relationship, so they were having a difficult time with me now making demands.
I am in the same process right now and I experience exactly the same. People I used to helped so much suddenly call me selfish and only today one wrote me, that if I am back to normal she might be so generous considering talking to me again!!??! So sick!!
I am so thankful for Dr Ramani and all you out there, I learn so much from your statements, thank you for sharing 🙏
Extracting supplies from me... Same here. Now, no one wants free medical consultation over the phone.
@@cosmicdust1718 :D lol, most people are just so not worth it.
Hard same! This just happened to me too. So happy I have other people outside of that circle that know me and support me. I reached out to the group I left (led by one sneaky narcissist) after a while and they acted like *I* should be the one apologizing.. for being neglected.. because me leaving "hurt them soooo much". The audacity, honestly! But most importantly, I did what was right for me and I'm not playing games with 35+ year old people who act like they're cliques in middle school and keep people close to use as groupies, doormats and canon fodder. I want reciprocal relationships where both parties are equal, cheering on each other and sharing. It hurt, but it was very nice to leave as well, like a breath of fresh air after suffocating for a long time. The gap after them is now being filled with better things! Thanks for sharing
This is my current situation.
I’m called overly sensitive and emotional if I show any reaction to hurtful words or behaviors. If I set boundaries and distance myself (not wanting to go to family functions, etc.) I’m made to feel like I’m the bad guy. It really hurts my feelings when enablers protect the people who are hurting me.I love you Dr. Ramani. You’re the only person in my life that makes me feel better about the hurtful people that I can’t get away from.
This is how I feel and what happens to me.... "you just need to ignore them, understand them, they do this for you that for you" blah blah ... 🙋
My family operates the same exact way. I didn't attend a family function for almost a year, because 'my' abusive Narc is also my sister and I had cut ties with her. Now I just show up looking like dynamite to drive her jealousy nuts! Lol. It's crazy how little she means to me now, when 2.5 years ago I was completely wiped out from having to cut her out of my life.
Bria, reacting to them only gives them more 'fuel' to throw in your face. Not reacting at all drives them crazy. You have to learn how to completely ignore them, and walk away, even if that means never getting another 'jab' in to put them in their place.
Yes, the family functions- they all think you are terrible but make a scene if you don't go. :) If you hate me so much why would you want me there?
God bless you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
My old boss, I recognized the toxic situation and quickly got out. I tried to work around him and got comments like "oh Marina, its too early in the morning for this." And "you need to have a conversation with (him) and resolve this." That was HR and compliance. He gave me a low performance rating even though exit surveys from patients gave me great reviews. I stood my ground and walked out. They have not been able to fill my position since July. Thank you Dr. Ramani you are the baddest of the bad ass.
Good for you. HR have a bunch of enabler.
HR have always been terrible.
I love how you portray standing firm on truth as empowering, even when others deny reality.
Empowering & the only rational way to deal w/the horrendous mess. It's lonely. But the alternative is unthinkable. Currently, the (Hot potato) Narc has been dumped back on their enabling, Flying Monkey family of origin. Behind granite, no contact boundaries. Needless to say they are "Not happy Bob....Not....Happy"
(Incredibles). I'm lonely...true. But they are currently living in HE double hockey sticks & they refuse to access the available off ramps. Up to them. Not my monkey. Not my circus.
Yessss! 💜
Yes, from our teenagers 🥰
Whenever a narcissist insults me and calls me emotionally stunted, that how I know my boundaries are working.
I just set my boundaries, I am not going to try to convince people, waste of energy, in my own experience.
"Self preservation is a right. If that makes me a bad person than i'll happily call myself the baddest of the bad". Yes!!
I was bullied when I was younger (before bullying was such big news) and I learned this early on..I later worked in very dangerous jobs and had it solidified. Who knew God was using the school bus to teach me to survive? Lol. Then I married into a family with the most evil narcissist as a FIL. I thank God that He allowed me to have the "I don't care what you think of me attitude" all those years ago; I can see the narc for who and what he is (thanks to Dr. Ramani) and I am not afraid to stand up and say "NO MORE" to protect my kids and my own marriage from he and my MIL's toxic crap. I am truly labeled the villain in our family by others but I don't care! And my little household has never been happier!
@@angelahagemeyer698 So glad to hear you are doing well!
People that get "frustrated" with me or imply that I'm not being a 'team player" (my main narcs are in my workplace) when I'm not taking the bait, or not being suitably grateful for their hoovering efforts and breadcrumbs they offer have become the clues that I need to maintain the boundaries even more.
This sounds hauntingly familiar. The “team player” card creates such an “us” and “them” distortion that can feel very isolating. Stay strong and good luck!
Stay on top of it all, hope you manage! Stay strong because they want you to be like them, they hate you having your freedom to be you and knowing it!
I know a composer/owner of a successful studio that uses this exact language to guilt trip people into accepting unethical work practices and mental abuse under a sugar coating of "we are crazy artists who like to party and work and never rest" exept he parties and the others are the ones working and never resting and who have to deal with skipped paydays.
AMEN. You are singing to the choir.
Not a team I’d want to play on for very long.
It's the importance of overcoming the fear of being labeled, and being the target of a false gossip. It has NO Power. God knows who you are and you should be comfortable in your defense of integrity and truth. Overcoming the fear of opinions of others is so liberating and makes one strong and firm as a rock. That's the feeling we should have and generate, not the fear.
I totally agree! It's better to be free and to leave them to their own opinions. It's the right thing to do because they are free to believe and act however they want. My struggle to correct their false impressions of me is exactly what feeds the fire.
Trying to control the narrative with people like this is pointless because they think their opinions are TRUTH and they will never relinquish control of it. They lack empathy and will never be able to see any perspective but their own.
Wow, literally my life rght now. UGHA ppl🤦♀️
Patience, confidence, and using the DEEP method is crucial as a boundary setting person. I unknowingly did this years ago and was isolated in my silence and distance. I kept the idea of what comes around goes around in my back pocket for silent strength. Shortly after me distancing myself we relocated3 hours away and lost all physical and electronic communication. A whole 10 years later I received a long handwritten letter from an acquaintance in that social circle. She revealed she never understood my huge step back until recently with a series of dysfunctional perplexing situations. It was shocking to read but comforting to finally get validation. Sometimes you get validation from the universe in different ways and times not relative to the abuse. Have faith.
Thats great to hear.❤️❤️❤️
I've taken a huge step back (from a family group) as well- like Abraham says, you're gonna be judged! You'll never be able to control the way other people perceive you... but when you get validated years later for doing what's best for your own personal well being, that is a huge gift from the universe. So glad to hear it does happen, gives us hope.
Can you share a little more about what the DEEP method is?
@@kathleengalek1064 deep method is
1) D stand for donot defend.
2)E is donot engage.
3) E is donot explain.
4)p stand for donot personalize any thing.
If u need further detail can watch dr Romani videos on deep technique.
I fantasize about having everyone his lies were used on with a therapist in a room and the truth talked out.i know it will never happen but I can dream for a day when I have value to others
Yes mine calls me difficult, dysfunctional, awkward, etc. Constantly. It's because I freeze up around him.
"There is no version of this story where everyone gets what they want."
Thanks for this gem Dr R
+1
Yes!!!
I love the final thought that part of the healing process involves being okay with other people not being okay. Evolving past people pleasing is no small feat! Thanks Dr. Ramani :)
It makes me tear up, just hearing Dr. Ramani describe my rumination and emotional struggles in getting free. 😢 this is so accurate.
Me too.
They push push push poke poke poke...when you push back.... they point at you and say ...see... She's nuts!. 🤐
💯 Exactly
100% true!
Yes! This has happened to me many times (people who I mention things about the situation to have said: well maybe this is about something that you’re doing? Maybe this is a self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe you should be more loving toward these people?). It’s been hard to hear these things from people who I know don’t fully understand narcissism. I’ve come to accept that some people don’t accept narcissism.
Oh aren't they just a big fat nothing help! It's really an amazement/wonderment that we ever thought they might be some help in this.... No wonder it just all leads to more alienation for us! We're giving them more credit for a little common sense than they deserved!
self fulfilling prophecy? whaaaat!? 🤣🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
@@nolongtinghere ha! Thank you for your support around this - I really appreciate it. The level of narcissistic abuse I’ve experienced has been painful and I’m still recovering and sending as much love as I can to myself and others. Thank you so much 😊
The worst is when the enablers ask you "why would the narc do this to you?" "What would he have to gain from doing that to you?"
@@kathleengalek1064 I have just hit 40yrs old this year and only coming to the realisation that people close to me in my life ( all of them besides one!) have all been narcs or enablers. Have now managed after a couple of clear out stages to get rid of all enablers and postive fairies out my life. Am currently trying to grips with this realisation that like our dear Dr mentions , it is a terrible problem which has been left to fester and spread in our society over the years and that it happened to me! Unfortunatly am currently stuck in a situation where i live with my narc but with the help of everyone on this and other channels, I know for sure , we all here who can see and realise what has happened to us , we gon be ok now . ❤️✌️
I always think about the consequences of not setting boundaries. I'd rather be called selfish ( or boujee as my family says) than how things were before they knew that I understood the dynamic.
Exactly. I would rather be called rude for not engaging with a narc, than having no boundaries. I would rather have a whole village not talking to me, and I will just focus on my MH and hobbies. I don't need such people in my lives, there are many hermits and hey, it is ok to be a hermit.
This is especially true when the narcissistic person is a parent in a culture where family relationships are held sacred and filial piety is expected. When you disengage and stop talking to your parent, your other family members think youre being too mean to your elderly parent, even when that person's behaviors for decades have caused severe dysfunction in the family and have persisted to this day.
Story of my life
Spot on, you’re the difficult one. To them only, as accountability isn’t on their radar. Once it’s been allowed to happen for decades with others fearing their intimidation, the only choice we have is walking away and/or setting boundaries. I walked.
@@motorcityblacksheep121 I walked away too gone cold Turkey and the entire family is talking about me saying how I don’t care etc. I really don’t care, covert narc mother driving me crazy for the past 30 years. I don’t care what her family and friends think I’m the bad one with no feelings etc! I gave up!!!
I forgave my mother for her abuse, and now that she has Alzheimers and is easier to be around than ever, I am the one relegated to staying with her during the day while my father runs our business. Years ago, I finally put up boundaries to her, and I told her it was despicable how she pitted her own children against each other. We were all so close growing up (I'm one of eight kids), and now we are not and things are strained. The irony is she has no comprehension now of what she has done to us. I decided to forgive her for my own peace of mind and for the fact that, like me, she is a r@p€ victim who never got help to work through the trauma.
Funny how people who hate you so much and call you a loser, are the ones who complain when you disappear, and they are the ones who have stolen money while you made your own. I think they worry that when you disappear you may be telling someone the truth about it all, and they have no power over that :)
I guess other people's guilt, hope and second chances are the ultimate fuel for narcissism:/
Yes!!
At the end of the day, when it comes to narcissists and their enablers, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
Which frees you to just do whatever, since whatever it is will be "wrong," so just do what's best and ignore them.
"Boundaries and disengagement." Absolutely!!💯
I'm currently in the stage of breaking through to the other side. Every time I listen to you Doc it gives me confidence and strength helping me pull through to the other side 👊🏻
That’s so great ! 🙏🏽👍🏽😊
Me too! It isn't easy. Definitely feels lonely. But I know it is necessary to save my spirit.
Good luck to you!
It will be worth it in the end
This is all tough because it's so rare to really connect so few and far between are the truly healthy people to connect with
I feel the same way and makes it hard to trust anyone now especially when you have been hurt and and abused it took me right at 3 years before I figured out what was going on until one morning everything just blew up like a bomb she discarded me that's when I started figuring all this out if so yes it does make it hard I trust someone again
Psycho : "I'm gonna devour that easy victim on lunch".
Victim : [outsmarts the psycho].
Psycho : "what a manipulative b****".
This is so close to the literal words they use it’s laughable. Even jokes and memes describe them well.
I went 'grey rock' eight years ago. Not only my former Narc spouse, but my former Narc MIL still enlist flying monkey family members to do their bidding. My daughter is getting married in 2022 & they are 'worried' that people will think I'm cold if I don't talk to them @ the event.🙄 Translation: They are insecure.
Also translation: Other people will find out just how horrid they are :)
@@Chahlie True. And a reminder that it is his DAUGHTER'S day & no one gives a rip about him & his over inflated ego, falls upon deaf ears.
@@istateyourname4710 how was your daughter's wedding? I hope you didn't have to talk to the narcs there.
“Self preservation is a right. Always remember that. If that makes you a bad person, then I will happily call myself the baddest of the bad.”
Yes! Get down with your bad self! 🙌 🎉💯
Oh yes! Being told this is my perception only is so frustrating. As if I'm the crazy one! Thank you Dr Ramani!
Oh boy! No one wants a reality check! I'm not one for going for coffe with the ladies, everyone complains about everything! I'm all for venting but where have people been? Are we the first to be neglected by our families, the first spouses to be unhappy 😡? Feeling poor? My goodness you don't have your health you don't have anything!
This happened this morning with my parents. I overheard them talking negatively about me and my mom threw me under the bus with lies about what I said about a family function. I stood up for myself and said it wasn’t true, and showed them the text conversation proving it. My dad brushed it off and said oh it’s not a big deal and my mom apologized but they always do this. Always. No matter what I say or do. It’s super hurtful and makes me not trust them not want to be around them. I constantly express and exert boundaries yet they’re rarely respected, and I’m always told to ‘not get upset’. I try to explain but they never get it and never change. It’s maddening. Trying to keep disengaging, clean house and keep the boundaries I can. Perhaps I need to move far away. Thank you 🙏
The part where she says..."as long as it's not you (with the wink)"---- made my entire day!
Dr Ramani will you do a video on dissociative disorders and how to navigate narcissists and narcissistic abuse? It seems lots of us with very toxic narcissistic parents have dissociative disorders and it makes it really hard to remember the abuse and know what happened especially if you have alters and parts.
I’m going through this right now.. and for the past few months once I learnt it’s called narcissism… it’s a lonely place but I focus on my children and do a lot of self care like exercising, going to parks and enjoy nature!! 😔 thanks Dr Ramani.. now that I know what to look out for, i trust there will be brighter days ahead for me!!
@@melw3313 It does feel like a never ending episode of a Twilight zone movie!! It’s actually with people I’ve known for over 20yrs and the whole time I was being a good friend.. they were smearing my name amongst other friends.. people whom I welcomed into the group started to treat me badly for no reason.. so knowing it’s Narcs and enablers and flying monkeys.. I was able to grab back the reins of my life.. and stare towards what makes me happy.. my faith and my children first !!
This describes my entire life with my mother. Also every job where we “are a family” so they ca get free labor and I don’t want to be part of the family. I just want to do the job I agreed to. And I had a friend who slept with my boyfriend. Later I was told she was willing to be friends with me, but I was being mean for not having anything to do with her. Thank you so much for this video. I feel so alone for drawing boundaries that no one respects, but I am treated like the problem.
I get that "free labor" part very well
Perfect timing for what I am dealing with right now...thank you so much!
Dr Ramani, thank you. Your words are indescribable help. When listening to you, I have the impression I’m listening to the best friend who always wants the best for me.
The people who come to call me out for setting good boundaries are the same people that need to be cut off in the second round of boundaries. I appreciate how easy they make it for me to decide!
Me too.
Dr. Ramani, your videos have helped me so much. As much as I want a relationship with my dad, you've helped me realize that the relationship I want isnt possible. You've helped me feel not guilty for doing what I need to do so I can be healthy and happy, that stepping away and standing with my boundaries is ok and is valid, regardless of what the narcissist thinks. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
They don't change.
I deeply feel only therapists who have experienced Narcissistic Abuse and recovered can fully understand the nature of the dynamic. Humans just aren't wired to believe such long term predatory dynamics exist.
That's why there are theories that maybe they aren't even human. Demon possessed? Clones? Synthetics? Advanced robotics? Has sci-fi become reality?
Thank you for this reminder. Often I am the one left standing alone and start thinking maybe I AM the one with the problem because I refuse to be treated poorly. Lifelong conditioning I guess and people not liking the truth
It is extremely hurtful when you think the people you thought the people you love can devalue what you've been through my Circle for family and friends has shrunk to olny a few now and of course I'm the bad guy very hurtful 😢
Catherine Praus, They discredit those who upset their apple cart. (That everything is fine and/or will just go away with enough time.)
Watching your videos, I wish I had known all these things earlier. My childhood, teen and young adult years would have been tons easier, but! Better late than never :) Thank you for your work!
It’s amazing what nasty things others say when you start loving yourself… but I’d rather be considered the b*t*h than the doormat!
THANK YOU for your wisdom!
Right? They call you a b*tch like it's a bad thing.
Someone has to b*tchslap abusers.
@@michellefarris3961 Exactly!😂
Dr Ramani, you've been one of the most important influences in my recovery and healing process. This video has helped me immensely.
Thank you for all you do.
❤️💕
Yes! I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you as a mental health professional the amount you probably get gaslighted. Your wisdom has truly changed our lives and generosity for sharing all that wisdom for all the victims really shows the exceptional person you are. Can't thank you enough!
I equate this to playing tennis everyday with a professionally trained player, while being an amateur.
Exhausting!
The game is designed for the player to set you up, throwing you off, wait for your reaction upsetting you to win the point.
This will happen on the court or off, in conversation and social situations.
Heaven forbid the amateur figures it out, decides not play, calls them out for cheating, or is just tired of being their supply for their psyche or ego.
If others don't understand this dynamic, the amateur will be ridiculed for not playing,
considered a bad sport
or a sore loser.
Heaven forbid as an amateur player you actually beat them at their game.
Whoa!
If this happens, just wait for their excuses, their injured, soreness, the weather,etc. and accusations, you made them lose, etc.
Beware: remember for tennis players the game starts at Love/Love!
Game, Set, Match!
They love to win!
What a fantastic analogy. I spent far too many years playing "Tennis" with this "PRO" you speak of. Thank You!!!
Bullseye! You got me again. The most difficult thing about this is the gaslighting: it causes others to join the narcissist's efforts to hurt and manipulate you; all the while, manipulating them as well...
Oh gosh, this is happening right now! This is the first time I've ever had enough confidence to stand on my own, and start setting healthy boundaries, thanks to you Dr Ramani 🙏 😊 ❤
I have the power they don't get to treat me any ole way. It's liberating to know what I've dealt with for years. No more guilt!
I have the POWER!
It's like a butterfly emerging, really. :)
@@Chahlie Yes.. yes it is: 🐛.. 🦋 Be free precious one, power on! Seek kindness in others.. kind people are hard to find (sad) butt, we must find one another. Usually those who are actively enduring adversity appreciate and share kindness in return if their wounds are not to deep. 🍂
This feels like a face2face session. Thank you! I really needed this.
Amazing, beautiful and saved me from the devil ! Xxx
15 years of undiagnosed abuse and then I said enough ,,, insult to injury the „man“ persona of a man killed himself in my birthday just as a final reminder !! Yeah head games, I think I would maybe have needed so much therapy but ,,,, divine intervention called Dr Ramani saved my heart , mind and soul , and I’m eternally grateful xxx
Oh I snapped to this notification IMMEDIATELY. This is MY LIFE. I set boundaries, ask for behavior I want without emotion but with determination, I don’t play. I feel HEALTHY but, boy oh boy, do I get grief. Lol…. I hear, “WELL THATS NOT VERY NICE.” Ha ha! Not FOR YOU, maybe, but I’m gonna live my best life.
I used to question myself as being the narcissist in this relationship. I took tests, thought I needed therapy to see if I was a narcissist because I started throwing fits. But as I studied, I found that NO ONE EVER called me arrogant, self-centered, a bully, a manipulator. As an RN, I would have SURELY been told! In fact, I get embarrassed when they say, “You’re so nice and the best nurse ever” when I had only brought them a blanket while doing their chemo, starting their difficult IV and keeping after their doctor. It’s the GENUINE simple acts of kindness this narcissist I live with that would make his life so much better, but, of course you know THAT isn’t going to happen. My go to phrase to him that shuts him up? “All I ask is for you to be a gentleman.” Hope this helps someone else?
yes, me too i didn't realise many people feel this way as well, i sometimes think maybe it's me that i don't have self confidence enough to step up to my brother, sometimes i try to run away, resort to series gaming or studying for my med school, i think you really is a nice person maybe you won't hear it from them but you don't need to.. i hope you have the strength to go through this too
My retort to any statement made by a narcissist or an enabler is "well if i'm that bad a person why can't you make it work with me like i've to make it work with you or them". Their contorted face is a picture that lives rent free in my head.
Oh wow! I get all those labels as well. That’s really helpful and validating. Thank you 🙏
A long, long time ago in the land of land lines, before UA-cam, a woman, booth renter, in an antique store wanted to do some business venture with me. After listening to her grandiose ideas and no result, I disengaged. But she kept Hoovering me by calling our house phone. I usually answered, but for a month I had my father answer because I knew she would be calling. My father took her messages, told me call her, and began calling me “ disagreeable, unkind, a bad person.” This hurt! This was many years ago when narcissism was just a dictionary word and not used by psychologists. What happened with that woman? She was just a low level dealer in the antique store but got the owner to redesign the store and put her stuff up in front. Shark attack! So right Dr. Ramani.
My own 4siblings have done this to me, especially the last 10 years of my Narcissistic mother's life. I am 8,11, and 12 years older than the last 3 children and my parents, but especially my mother, basically badmouthed me about everything. I basically went no contact with her,but talked with my Dad. I didn't go home for 10 years because of her. She was definitely the pot stirrer and absolutely loved creating conflict and drama. It killed me not to go home, because they lived in Duxbury on the Cape Cod bay. I crave seafood and the ocean! But for my own mental health I had to stay away. The sister next to me and I were the scapegoats growing up. But for peace sake and her shaky sanity ( she took a job and moved to Geneva, Switzerland to get away from my mother) kept telling me, along with the rest, to not be so difficult and spiteful all the time. These are the only 2 parents we will ever have. Can't I find it in my heart to forgive and be engaged with them? Funny coming from her, a continent away from her! I won't get into my Narcissistic husband.
Almost the same experience here. Narcissistic mother, enabling father, flying monkey sisters AND extremely conservative religious upbringing. I broke the cycle.
Oh yes, it is a given that you are bad if you go no contact with a parent. “She is the only mother you’ll ever have!“ Look at all the Hallmark Channel reconciliation movies. Ten Commandments, all of that. The enabler‘s fail to see who really rejected whom.
I love this!!!
“If you set boundaries, you are not a bad person. You’re a truth teller. People hate that narcissism is a thing (therefore they criticize truth tellers for talking about it.) Also, your behavior (truth telling) reminds people that they cannot stick their heads in the sand anymore because your truth telling may mean that the narcissist will start to target them instead since you are no longer taking their abuse.”
It's like a no win: if you do a reactive defensive/protection behaviour, you get sh*t. If you disengage, you get sh*t.
Hi Shelly definitely agree with you there no matter what you do I will never ever be good enough they always find some fault you can never please them it may three years before I finally figured out what the hell is going on but I didn't know what the moment until she had discarded me and I stumbled across these videos and from there I have learned a lot I'll pick up the pieces and move on in my life and I wish you the best Shelly hang in there
@@grayhaygood9642 thank you. Sounds like a horribly confusing, bewildering, and self esteem destroying rollercoaster. Was it a relatively long relationship, or one where you felt a lot of love for her?
I hope the damage she did can be overcome and your life fully reclaimed, albeit wiser and better able to detect the narcs..... Remember, low intelligence sociopathic, psychopathic and sadistic, can/will pass themselves off as the "benign" type. So go cautiously even if someone seems to only have "mild traits" of narcissism.
HG Tudor is worth a listen on this stuff, how the malignant upwards abusers pass as only mild narcs.
Exactly! It feels like the narc wins either way.
Please turn up your volume while recording! These are such important messages and it's hard to hear you at times.
I can relate to this a lot, I haven't been called difficult but I've been treated as though I were difficult. If I didn't know what narcissism is I would be getting into arguments and confronting people about things I thought were unfair and doing all the things narcissists like you to do so they can say that you're the bad guy. I would like to go into a lot more detail but it would just be too long-winded, but I'm up to my eyebrows in narcissistic people, some of whom abuse through confrontations and angry outbursts that they expect you to join in and others who use subtle criticisms and soft discards to covey their disdain for me. I spend a lot of time doing grey rock and using the DEEP technique and they see it as me having a mental health issue because I'm not reacting to their provcations. I certainly feel the hurt but comment sections like this are the only place I have to express it.
I feel you. Peace
In my case these were his relatives and even my God mother, I felt so alone but I had met your videos. So I stood my truth and disengaged even from them. The peace when the grief is gone
The peace, yes! It comes after the mourning, but it does come. I'm proud of you, Sandra! :)
This is how everything started for me 2 years ago. Some family’s members ( included my mother) created a big mess just because they wanted be part of my party. Not a birthday, but a simple dance party with few friends of mine .They called me out as difficult, impossible and crazy too... Try to put me down in every way possible so that was finally my waking up call and I ‘ve started put boundaries , but that wasn’t enough . Then I went no contact ! I’ve started to read and follow this topic to understand better myself and toxicity inside my family. Therapy is also so important!
Thank you so much for this. It’s so true - people who set boundaries, stop enabling, and hold onto their truth, are superheroes. We are strong. We are powerful. We rock don’t we? Peace and love. ♥️
Yes 💪🏾
It would just be nice if narcs stopped being EVIL, manipulative, vindictive, self-absorbed, fill in the blank ungodly trait...wishful thinking 😆
*Happy Friday everyone including you Dr. Ramani* ☺
I wish they - the narcies, psychos and sociopaths - could get their own desert island with only themselves on it, so they would have to pick on each other
Happy Friday!
@@MariannKnudsen an island? More like a continent there so many of them lol
Could be the moon too or some far away planet as long as there are only them there so they are forced to preu on each other 🤣
I've had a very polite/sweet words version of this. Sadly this sweet person has now become one of their targets.
Oh and a psychiatrist said my seeing this person as a narcissist, was actually me having a personality disorder making me see threats where there were none.... I spoke to all the medics and therapists I know: colleagues, friends of decades, and they said "nope", you can't just develop a PD at age 39, and besides, after 20 years, I think I would have noticed a PD!
So glad Dr. Romani is fighting to educate all of us and especially therapists about NPD.
Yes Yes Yes.... I am backing off after 45 years of abuse by my family of origin (mother is emotionally immature and self absorbed enabler, father and brother straight narcissistic) and Yes i am experiencing it all. Feeling grief, rage, Hurt, alone, sidelined, gaslighted and invalidated still second guessing myself if i am being too much. But i Just cant stand it any more now that i understand the dynimics. Its comes down to it either me or them. Basic survival
This is by far the video I can relate the most... is sad, but, thank you for that, Doctor Ramani
Thanks Dr. Ramani!!! You have made the nightmare of my past two years, more manageable & easier to wake up from!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I love your shirt, btw!
Thank you so much dr Ramani❤ self preservation is our right, and living your authentic life with dignity and integrity scares the hell out of people, especially narcissistic. There is no version of the story where everyone is satisfied. I want to heal from a Lifetime of narcissistic abuse and wish everyone the same 😊
Setting boundaries with a Narcissist never ever works. They take delight in running all over them. Out of the mess once again. I was beating up on myself for returning, well that doesn't help can't tell you how my anxiety has reduced. I thought wow so nice to not be accountable to anyone. Thanks for your videos Dr. Ramani. 💕
I let my abusive Narc sister back in to my life just a little, and then she hung up on me again for the last time. I will never answer the phone again if she calls. (She tried and got no answer and no call back.) Boundaries. It's totally freeing.
That happened to me at work. I simply couldn’t allow myself to become the people I worked with who excused the bad behavior of the boss. They gave their life to him. Bent over backward for him. The entire division was bent to please him. I couldn’t stand it.
This is difficult, we must stay consistent to our pledge to ourselves. This has worked for me and those I guide 1. deep breath, 2. affirm your boundaries to yourself and 3. manage the trigger with a step of action that will serve you. Remain calm and committed to yourslef always. For years, I didnt manage triggers and it robbed me a wonderful life that I now have approach within. Thank you Dr. Ramani and best wishes for us all!
Spirit means breath in latin. The holy Spirit actually means to breath whole. Keeping awareness of the full breath in a situation will help one to remain the observer.
I went no contact with my ex narcissist.
I was accused of being vindictive, angry and resentful.
NO people, I was abused.
Lately he has been offering friendship and help and people said he has changed.
Yea right, he then withdrew his help.
BAM
You are the reason I can survive every day through this horrible horrible experience of a narcissistic family🥺😢
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Yup, my husband told me for far too long to just "turn the other cheek", "be the better person" etc etc when it came to my mom - I used to tell him I only have 2 cheeks and they've both been slapped and I am a better person since I've grey rocked and firewalled my mom. It's taken him 10 yrs to understand this and stop calling me difficult for reasonably protecting myself with solid boundaries.
Cheers Doc!
6:43 Sooo true, I've didn't notice it before...
7:46 also soo true, and I always say that unhealthy or toxic people hates psychology as a science because it raises awareness about toxic and maladaptive behaviors...
14:02 Beautiful! after so many years of being hyper sensitive, half codependent people pleaser, a while ago I've come to this conculusion too. Self preservation is indeed a fundamental human right. That's what I like about USA constutition... Right to pursuit of happiness...
Thank you Dr.Ramani 🤍
Every time something happens with me, I look up your videos and there is always one that deals exactly with what I am going through, as if you are walking my life with me. You are my rock, and my absolute confirmation that I am not crazy, and that no matter how difficult it is, I am on the right path. Much gratitude Dr. Ramani, more than you'll ever know
❤ I'm reminded of the origins of the word "nice"
Is being "nice" enough?
There is a common practice these days of taking everyday words and making them mean something other than what they did originally. If you have read Orwell's "1984" it was called "newspeak" and the bible describes it as calling evil >good and good> evil.
And in the case of the word nice...thats exactly whats happened. The origin of the word nice is the opposite of how most mean to use it today....it meant foolish or stupid.
I dare say that the definition hasn't strayed too much....if someone is considered a good person... only because they're nice?
Interesting you should say this... I've known MANY horrible "niceholes" throughout my life and came up with that term about 30 yrs. ago. Way before the narcissism light bulb came on for me. Everyone has it in them to be "nice." That's how cons con.
@@SamSolasdonSaol
" niceholes"
I like that! Lol
Narcopaths teach you the giant difference between "nice" and kind--any old sociopath can be nice when it serves their purposes!
When they did that at first it was hurtful as you say...but when you get to the "Enough Zone" you look down the tunnel, see where you've come from and you turn face forward again, it's then realize when you are actually happily in the, "I don't give a shit zone"! It's so good to be healing and DONE. I couldn't have done it without you Dr. Ramani. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤ heart. After cutting out the dead weight, I feel very light and can't wait to see where my life goes from here.
Yes!
This is a lesson I am learning right now: My setting boundaries is resulting in a no-win situation. I'm working in a nest of enablers for a covert/self-righteous narcissist. What's most disheartening is their fear in confronting her when they know her ideas for our organization are unsustainable and reckless, but don't have the courage to tell her. When I challenged her idea, I was demonized and attacked, called a liar and a manipulator - which is the very thing she is.
@7min ..."and that meant other people didn't have to". damn. I fell for it for so long.
Dear Ramani, here’s an example of this video and of how your material has helped:
Fairly early into a new job this year reporting to head of HR, I realised they were extremely narcissistic.
My peers all rationalised and enabled the abuse.
I accepted they wouldn’t change and stopped engaging their abuse or gaslighting and became completely calm - let it roll like water off a ducks back, responding as though their abusive words had never even happened. I might sometimes let out a slight ‘“Hmm” and keep going.
So sad and curious to watch as they got extremely frustrated at the absence of any response by me. They amplified the abuse, literally screaming at me (always in private, via video). One example: I delivered a large body of work early and they yelled at me for being late and incompetent. I stayed calm. I continued on as if the abusive statements never happened.
They kept trying to find ways under my skin. A few times, when I found I was beginning to lose my calm at the gaslighting and absurd accusations, I just ‘dropped’ the internet connection, saying ‘sorry, lost internet’ when rejoined.
The enablers still refused to do anything but defend the narc (apparently the narc’s behaviours were faultless), and I was repeatedly berated as being difficult and ‘not contributing’. When I calmly asked “Would you please help me understand the basis of that assessment?” they’d accuse me of being aggressive and abusive. Calmly asking “Would you please help me understand how asking for feedback is aggressive?” the enablers would also lose their shit and start yelling and gaslighting further. During a team meeting all three of them complained to the head of HR that I was aggressive and difficult, though were unable to cite a single example, and got angry when I calmly asked. The narc literally said to me “Yes, you’re clearly being aggressive!” Me again, “Would you please help me understand how asking…” I was cut off, and berated with “You just don’t listen, do you”. I sat there, unresponsive. Okay, maybe a slight eyebrow raise…
Two weeks later the head of HR ‘restructured’ my role and I no longer reported to them though everything else about my role stayed the same (unfortunately, in this collapsed economy, I need the income, so chose to stay). When they informed me about it they assumed “I’m sure this is upsetting to be demoted to such a low level.” I replied, “Thank you for asking, I appreciate it. I feel relief.” They then proceeded to yell and berate me that ‘relief’ was absurd, the wrong answer, proof of my incompetence… Damn, we lost internet again…. Oops 🙃
"At this stage we've heard it all" 🤣👍👏👏👏 Thank you, Dr Ramani for all your talk, research and shared advice on narcs...These are everywhere
I needed this. I've been called unhinjed, psychotic, immature and spiteful for refusing to take the bait. I've been gaslit to hell and back, and I've burned bridged with people I had once called friends who sided with and enabled the narcissist.
In the end, I simply understood that I am not responsible for other people's thoughts and actions, and also that what they say or think of me has no bearing whatsoever on who I am.
🥳 I will be glad to stand with you as second baddest of the bad!!!
Ruminaring is the one that keeps me locked in when the actual narc is long gone although these videos have given me understanding as to my healing. Thank you.
Lots of people aren't comfortable with the idea that some people are really toxic.
Yes, this has happened way more times than I can count. I remember telling someone I know through the open mic nights how I felt about the people who drink and how they make me feel uncomfortable and how I felt alcoholics were all losers and they told me that I was being judgmental. It's like, no I'm just getting old and mature enough to realize that some social circles aren't worth my time and I feel much more emotionally healthy not engaging in those circles anymore.
YES. By not taking the bait, setting a boundary, distancing oneself, etc. one is accused of narcissism!
The feminist label is such a classic. That feels good to know I’m not crazy!