Why narcissists resent YOU for walking on egg shells
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
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If you're a person who craves peace, it's not possible to have a healthy or fulfilling relationship with someone who craves conflict.
Perfectly stated.
Profound and true.
Amen
Well said.
perfectly put, I I find the older I get the more I can't stand being around anyone because all they want to do is complain about politics and gossip about family......pretty lame conversation. Not the least bit interested. Studying trees or rocks on the ground is more thought provoking. I'm not close to kidding.
Narcissist resent you no matter what you do.
You call out their behaviour - they hate you.
You don´t call out their behaviour and walk on eggshells - they hate you.
You can´t win.
I beg to disagree: you win. The faster you get rid of them, the better.
I hear you
PERIODDD! 💯
Yeah it's called a double-bind.
My partner said he can't win with me even though he is the one with the bad behavior and says he hates me lol. It can be hard not to laugh sometimes.
He would tell me that HE was sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells around me. Having to refrain from abuse was “walking on eggshells” to him. But really, it was just another part of the pattern of stealing my experience as his own. Telling me I did things to him that he was actually doing to me.
This was my life! He would tell me that it makes him nervous to be around me because he feels like he has to walk on eggshells because I am "coming at him all day long. " I literally had not even spoken to him for the two weeks prior to this statement. Again, this was my life for four years. Glad I'm finally getting out of it.
Yep. My mother says she has to "walk on eggshells" around me but she can be herself with my sister. It is not true at all. She precedes statements with "you won't want to hear this but i......" and proceeds to say horrible things about people or causesI care about. That's how I learned not to tell her about anything or anyone I care about - but it leaves so little to talk about, so we just talk about her cats, there's nothing else left. I also interrupt her before she gets it out by saying "well please don't say it then". Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.
So sorry he undermined you like that
Exactly! Only lately have I learned that whatever he’s accusing me of is actually him. My favorite was this
“Your the only person in this house watching porn!” There’s me, my 25 year old son and him😅
@@luffypupperstien2706 hahaha, I know one like this. First she punished her husband by not having sex with him, and cheated on him on a regular basis. And when he finally decided because of her poor personal hygiene he didn't what to have sex with her anyways and stopped begging and started watching porn to help himself, she started griping that he stinks and that he's watching porn all day long, which is not possible at all because unlike her he works all day long, and when he comes home, he does most of the chores because madame under all kinds of excuses refused to do most chores. You can't win.
EVERYTHING offends the narc.
Spot on! Just the fact you breath offends them!
They don't like it when we walk on eggshells around them because they know we're onto to them and their game.
Taking this a step further, the narcissist I was with eventually got mad at me for, "Not having hobbies". She wasn't concerned, she was just angry with me about this. I of course, could remember what a vibrant person I was before she shamed me out of being able to enjoy the things I'd once loved, but she obviously could not remember that... While still in the relationship, her anger about this was confusing and contributed to the cognitive dissonance because, all of a sudden i'm being told to pursue hobbies again which seemed like a healthy thing to finally be experiencing. But deep down I knew something was off and that it still felt weird and uncomfortable. It wasn't until I left that relationship and had some distance that I realized the reason she was angry was that my, "shell like" state of being had begun to reflect poorly on her to others. Ironically, "getting in trouble" for not pursuing my own hobbies was just another thing that was never about me at all. You truly will never win.
A man in a relationship with a female narc is in a special kind of hell. Absolutely nobody believes you about anything.
Yet another double bind. My interests were always "stupid" and then when they strip you of your identity you get in trouble for that also. It's definitely about them.
I got in trouble for not wearing nice clothes. We had no money for anyone or anything except him by design. Things wear out with time. And like you said when others noticed, I got in trouble for it. Everything I am is embarassing to him. His ability to gobble every resource and keep us (his children too) living in abject poverty was mindboggling. Getting out and looking back is a mind F for sure. Sorry, you went through this too.
He got mad at me for listening to a Christian radio station. So I stopped. He loved talk radio so I figured that was safe. Nope. He got mad at me for that. So I listened to a country music station. Nope. He got mad at me for that. So I made sure to turn it off whenever he got home. Nope. He got mad at me for that. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
@@SomeGuy-xf9bc Truthfully, I was a female married to a male narc, and he was so charming, nobody believed me, either.
What's crazy about this is that they don't want to be perceived weak when others walk on eggshells around them, yet, they're always ready to pull their "vulnerability card" out of their wallet to use for situational tactics.
It's maddening isn't it!?? Uuhg! 😳
They are walking human contradictions!
I told mine she lacks empathy, the next time we talked about something, she told me i lack empathy?!!? They are always playing the victim, but saying they cant show weaknesses?!?!
@@user-os2si7xj1c that's their automatic copy and mirror mechanism. You mention something, the next time you speak with them, they tell you the exact same thing as if you never mentioned it. Because they're empty and have no substance, they try to fill this hole by copying what they see others do or hear others say, and everything negative you say about them, they mirror it back to you.
My question: "What have I ever done to you that you treat me so bad." Her response two months later: "What have I ever done to you that you viciously persecute me since I was a baby, and you even transferred your hate for me onto my children who have never done anything to you." She never answered my question, but mirrored my question right back at me, only much worse, and forgot all the vicious and evil things she has done to me and my family, and that she abused her children as footsoldiers to wage her wars, so she can hide behind their respectless behavior and won't be found out as the instigator.
@@new_and_improved1749 omg I discovered this so many times, its so confusing, once when they were playing the victim card so I treated them like a victim and my god that didn't go well, all of a sudden they got empowered. That time I just had to leave and save my sanity,
@@mobileradiofitter they're not empowered, they just act as if they are the big bad wolf to intimidate and frighten you. But it's all hot air, their wolf balloon has no teeth. They feel mighty when people are affraid of them, pull the plug and they deflate into a shrively nothing.
I heard from a woman that on the last stretch of her marriage she gray rocked. Because she ignored her husband's tantrums and rages, he got so helpless that he hurried next door (their houses were right beside each other) to get his adult son as reinforcement. But though this son was an aggressive big mouth braggart, he was an even bigger coward than his father and didn't respond to his father's cry for help. Not getting the help he wanted, the raging big bad wolf then tucked his tail and for days avoided his wife. It's downright hillarious for an over sixty year old man to act like a toddler who has an argument at the playground and runs home to get his older brother. You really can't make this shite up.
My ten year narcissist is moving out today!!! Free at last, free at last, good God almighty I’m free at last!
And today is my birthday, best birthday gift ever
Happy Birthday. 🙂
What an awesome birthday present!
As a teen, my mother would rage on me, and if I said something like "why don't we talk about this when we are calm" that would make her rage harder. She would yell, "you're not the adult." The irony of that was not lost on me
@@JGW90 So true
Lol.
As a mom myself I hate to hear of mothers being so unkind to their children. It's very unfair. I hope things are better for you now.
@@bcarolynn Thank you for saying that. It's lovely to see a mom who cares. Unfortunately, my mom is higher up the scale in narcissism. As my therapist says, who interviewed her and read through months of correspondence with her, she is a narcissist who believes her lies, and he feels has been jealous of me since I was a child. We've been estranged for 7 years now because she is too unsafe. It's a painful thing to do - leaving your parent, that is. Sort of like, having to orphan yourself but it's gotten easier as the years have gone by and I grew my own mother inside of me. Meaning, I retrained my inner voice to be kind. Anyhoo, glad to hear that your children have a kind mom : )
The rages are awful.
Long ago I learned why bother talking to a narcissist. They twist your words and lie.
This resonates with me so much! It’s pretty crazy that they are so sensitive while also being so abusive. They don’t want to be viewed as difficult. It breaks their facade. It also stops supply since you are not willing to u load on them anymore. It’s a very crazy relationship to be in.
Told my wife at the time that I believed her to be 'high-maintenance' she proclaimed that I didn't know the definition of 'high-maintenance'. I remember times when I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't even bring myself to take out the trash or do the laundry for years on end. Instead, I'd try to make myself feel happier by using a cope of some sort. Of course everything felt empty...the hole was too big and couldn't be filled. Leaving her was the best option and that was the one I took. I've since sobered up from most of my copes and am going back to school. In another three semesters I'll be working in the medical field.
I am three years in with one of these sensitive abusive types. It is craziness all the time. He tries to kick me out of the apartment and then asked me if I wanted to live alone. lol. He would ask if I think he is being difficult lol. Geeze.
@@dannynyman9681 The exhaustion is so bad. I am in school to be a Marriage and Family Therapist and it can be hard to stay focused sometimes.The fighting, angry rants and outbursts.
Yes, it was like trying to diffuse a bomb. I never knew when he would get triggered and explode at me. He would just get more and more upset the more I tried to calm him down. He would not stop yelling until he was done....no matter what. When I grey rocked and acted aloof he would get mad. If I argued back, he would get mad....I could not win.
and imagine that you are Empath… I felt so sad for how angry I made him by not knowing his triggers. It hurt me that I unintentionally hurt person I loved. But that was all screwed up. He was just making me feel all is my fault..
Yes, what didn't trigger my narc yesterday could send him into a full-blown rage today. It was impossible to know his triggers because they were totally unpredictable.
This is how it was for me as well. Nothing I said could stop it and it was actually very scary. I was constantly anxious.
Yes me too...I never knew what it was going to be...usually it was from me being confused about something or something totally confusing...anytime It started to feel safe and I let my guard down something would blow up and happen so I had to constantly keep my guard up. No matter what I said or did if he wanted to yell thats how it was going to be....then the whole spiel about, "it feels like im never allowed to be upset around you, you dont allow me to feel upset and I feel unheard and unloved" when I asked him to stop yelling, stop being so mean, and talk to me respectfully. I told him, ya know you can be honest without being brutal about it and you can express your anger or upsets in a respectful way, you have to control your emotions...and oh boy that didn't go over well 😅
I walked on eggshells a lot. I was baited into fights, after which I felt awful for hours to days, while the ex seemed strangely energized. After the split, he told me he was tired of walking on eggshells around me. I couldn’t win!
This is very familiar, a really horrible feeling that eventually sucks all the essence out of you. I hope you are free and recovering now in clean space.
This exemplifies for me something I’ve suspected about all this, which the idea that narcissism is an energy that can move between people- or maybe a dynamic is what I’m trying to describe. One wherein the elements of perspective and perceptions must be considered, and can vary over time and situationally. Meaning I see how each person in a narc-codependent relationship of any kind can feel and believe that the other person is the difficult one.
Either that or “the narcissist” nearly always projects bad traits. Still, I can’t completely buy that there’s one whole narc, and one whole healthy person comprising these relationships.
What’s very interesting is when narcissists feel like they have to walk on eggshells because you’re “too sensitive” and they shouldn’t have to be careful with what they say.
This is what I am living ...
Projection at its finest.
My husband did this -- tried to turn everything around on me so he didn't have to accept responsibility for his abuse and neglect.
I know I had my moods and tendencies because I was so dead inside. But I refused to accept all the blame for the badness in our relationship. Once I said that to him and stood up for myself, he began the discard process, and I once again took the blame for all of it.
A narc's vanity is NO JOKE.
@Empanada Thank you! I wish us to heal from these toxic relationships!
As an autistic person, I think people should just say what they mean and face the emotional consequences from one another. I don't understand why somebody wouldn't want to know that somebody is thinking potentially offensive or judgemental things. Why pretend? Why hang out with people when it requires a performance of falsehood from everyone? That seems psychotic, and part of what makes the world a mad and broken place. Find people who you can be honest with a build life there. People who don't like you can go be elsewhere with people who like them. Nobody wants to live on eggshells.
It's like they set up a no win situation and they then resent you for it.
They know then you really aren't buying their BS and you will eventually have your fill.
That's their vulnerability.
7:32 "you tell them the truth they blow up, you don't tell them the truth they blow up" Sooo true....
YUP. It did not matter whether I responded to him positively or negatively. It did not matter whether I engaged with him or held my tongue. NO MATTER what my action/reaction/non-reaction, he never stopped demanding, never stopped fishing for more. It was debilitatingly exhausting. It took me over three decades of mounting misery before I finally recognized what I had and to gather the courage to end it. He will NEVER change and I'm beyond happy that I divorced his sorry ass and went no contact.
I am hearing you!! Leaving is the ONLY solution!!
Same. And since I got my blessed divorce, I find I must be vigilant to keep others just like him from attaching to me so they can suck the life and joy out of me!
@Brain Booster RVA Same happened to me. Stay strong, and thrive!
Same experience with my new boss. Of course, I was quickly fired after being humiliated, smeared and demoralized. Since it was just work, in hindsight it seems completely laughable. You just can’t win.
@@dml2846 🤣so true like wtf
When they pose a question that’s designed to be uncomfortable, and you give them the blank stare of “I know who you really are”, they immediately parrot your reaction to them and act as if you were the sadistic instigator. And it doesn’t matter how many times it continues to happen, they win an Oscar every time from the people who are too naive to realize conniving people exist.
Awesome insight. I couldn't agree more.
Wow, yes, everything gets turned around. it's a big mind fuck.
My parents.
My opinion is, based on my own observations, if I am not walking on eggshells daily, I’m even more of a hermit. Maybe it’s who I am, or where I live, but every relationship feels like this to me. Maybe that is why introverts are so exhausted all the time.
The book "The Courage to Be Disliked" helped me a lot with this.
Very insightful!
@@jon4233 😂😂
Story of growing up with my mother. It was In high school that I began to realize that there was truly nothing that I could do. It didn't matter whether I was nice or not. I always lost. 20 years later, nothing had changed. Thank you for you video. As always, you give me the validation my family never could.
Same here. God bless 🙏
They hate you for walking on eggshells because they see it as vastly weak when you do it, and they hate their own weakness in True Self. You remind them of the mild meek wounded inner child which they've abandoned in self. It's like they want you to be cocky.. but then would hate you for challenging their control on truth if you did be cocky. W/o boundaries, you are who they are and if you are mild, meek, and walking on eggshells, they are that too. To some degree, they want to bully over an opponent who puts up a fight, so as to inflate their ego that they are big for subjecting you to all the self hate and narc shit which dominates them.
Facts I'm going through that currently
I think they don't like the fact that it makes them look like the bully they are.They are so vain that it's not flattering to them to have someone be scared of them. They still want to be admired, but they don't ever care or consider why you might be eggshelling them in the first place. I'm in the same boat with my sister.
My narc x couldnt contril me at all im way younger than with a strong self worth and moral compass.
Yeah... you're damned if you do, damned if you don't with a narcissist.
Jeff is exactly right. Ever cry or show any genuine vulnerability around a narcissist? They will accuse you of “faking” and abuse and degrade you more for being “weak”, even when your response is completely appropriate. They see themselves in your perceived “weakness” and it makes them sick. Always remember that the person the narcissist hates the most is themselves. Run, don’t walk to get away from these harmful, pathetic people.
My dad accused of everyone else of being over sensitive. "i have to walk on fucking eggshells around everyone!" yet hes the one whos extremely over sensitive. And hes CONSTANTLY baiting my poor mum.
That's what I mean. That's what they do
There is no winning, this isn't about having a normal conversation. It is about pointing out flaws in you that make them feel better about themselves.
If you're normal, then you know you're flawed, no one is ever perfect.
But the the thing is, they will make it seem as though "You have to be perfect" and anything short of that is something you should be "punished" for. Your apologies won't matter, the fact that whatever it is that you did was trivial won't matter, it's a reason to put you down no matter what.
It's so that they can feel better about themselves, not to try to help you be a better person. You'll walk on eggshells forever, but they'll find something, always.
Edit: And yes, I've had a lifetime of that and don't intend to have it happen to me ever again, if someone wants to make a big deal out of something trivial, they'll get a reaction with that exact proportion, and I'll point out that they're being a total bully. This will conclude with me walking out as well :D
Happened a lot, and I don't intend to live with it. If I wronged someone, and I apologized, and their rage is disproportionate to the "insult inflicted", I'm just not gonna pretend that this is not bullying, and I will walk out.
If I have to avoid many topics around someone, because of "egg-shelly" they are to tread, then I might as well avoid that person all together (And I actually had a roommate like that, she'd still bring the stuff up even when there's no reason to). It's funny though, those people always feel like they're right and morally justified to say and do harsh things, and that's why they bait.
They make up an arguments so that they can "win it". Very often with the same person they victimized because that person is conditioned to be baited.
100%
When I was 23 we went on a family ski trip after the slopes we would go to the pub and grill for drinks and food. I went to use the ATM the little receipt that it gives you, I crumpled it up and put it in the ash tray..(you could smoke in bars at this time)
She got so angry with me and began cussing me out and belittling me right then and there. We were in walking distance to the lodge cabin so I left to go listen to music and decompress... She comes home a few hours later and continues to yell and eventually had me pinned up against the wall by my neck.. I called my uncle to pick me up and he did. 3am I went home... I didn't talk to her for several years after that. My siblings were all upstairs and whenever I share that story I get the..."well we didn't see that happen so" or "I'm sure you're exaggerating a bit"
I currently talk to no one from my family line except my dad and my uncle.
This hellped me so much. I am going through all of that right now and begin to doubt myself….i get frozen. Normaly a reasonnable thinker i suddenly cant think at all the louder and faster blame criticism and recital of all they have had to put up with …its not true but then maybe it is But…i find myself apologising!
After 20 years of walking on eggshells, I started just telling the truth. Got the same response either way. Yelling, name calling, the inability to talk about the most mundane of topics like making vacation plans or school issues with our child. This led me to discovering grey rocking. I would bring up the topic, know it was going to blow up, do my best to stay calm and keep bringing the conversation back to the original topic, and when 9 times out of 10 he would just keep going, I would say, “It is not okay with me for you to talk to me in that tone of voice. I am willing to have this conversation with you, but not if you continue in this manner.” He, of course, would not stop, so I would simply say, “I am not going to continue this with you yelling at me,” and would walk away to my safe room, close and lock the door. Geez. How draining was that? Arduous to discuss the most basic needs of our married life together. I only would venture into that territory when it was absolutely necessary. Whether I was egg shelling or grey rock, he was angry, rageful, filled with toxic poison towards me. Grey rock, keeping my cool, not engaging, and walking away were the only healthy choices. Eventually, I gathered all the pieces together of my baby stepped plan to leave and haven’t looked back in the last 5 years of freedom. Unfortunately, he is still in my life via our kid who is now an adult, whom he deserted financially 3 years ago, and who wants nothing to do with him. Ugh. I am no contact and have been for years. There is no hope in any action other than leaving and protecting yourself and your children from the toxic narcissist.
Same reaction, oh you got your narc's number! I bent over backwards, he barely noticed and then Mr. Bored Shitless upped the goalposts, I was already half dead which he didn't notice so why bother! I'm even too lazy to file for divorce/change my lifestyle/I do as I please and my health comes first, he can divorce as much as I can, annoy me and he lives to regret it, again, once more, he's so dumb!
Awe geez. It's hard yet nice to hear other people's experiences. When things would get super personal during our fights I'd try ro leave the room but he'd just chase me from room to room. I lock myself in the bathroom, he'd bang on and shout through the door. There was no peace, no way to calm down. I'm relieved I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing.
I'm glad you're doing better and in a better situation. ☺
@@kaikalindsey4319 same with mine. He would follow me from room to room. Block the door if I tried to walk out. He even tried to take the hinges off the bathroom door when I locked myself in there to get away from him.
O lnow exavtly what you mean.
Yup. Once I realized I was falling into a serious depression because of all the self-annulment, I started talking back. He had the advantage of being a man and so would resort to the "look at you, you are completely crazy" and "don't shout, listen to your tone of voice" techniques. No winning.
For anyone still trying to escape from a narc: RENOUNCE YOUR REASONS. You'll never get them across. Assume that you wont be able to get a semblance of justice with them. Stop trying to make your point or make them see. Just leave.
“I want to know about everything, and I want to fly into a rage about it whenever I want, and I want everyone to be OK with that, but I’m never going to come out and say that.” -Dr. Ramani describing my ex.
And my mother. Every single word.
My narcissistic partner finally moved out when I told him out loud that I was afraid of him. He would become enraged when I refused to be drawn into arguments by his baiting, but telling him in so many words that his intentional behavior of creating an atmosphere of fear was actually making me afraid, was the last straw. He literally said that he could not live with someone who would SAY that about him. Not at all interested in knowing WHY I was afraid of him, or what he might be doing that I perceived as fear-inducing. NOPE. Just horrified that I would SAY SO out loud to his face.
I helped him find an apartment and he was out within a few days. The atmosphere of peace that he left behind was palpable.
This video and this answer spoke to me soo much. I've heard for years what bad and disgusting and horrible person I was by my narcissistc best friend, and when I told her, if she really thought so bad about me, she maybe would be better off with someone else, that she got mad at me for 'throwing it away' and that I would not care about the friendship at all, if I wasn't willing to try to change for it.
But after 3-4 years of this, when I had been so beaten down, that I was the one, starting to get mad and reaching my limits, where I started to blow up at her, saying, that she was misstreating me the whole time and always demanding, always pushing me around, she was SO shocked, how I could say these aweful things and she played the victim of how much I had hurt her with that and she made even that about HER being so hurt by me. And when I refused to take things back, when I even said it again in a calmer and more explaining way, I got the silent treatment ever since. Because that fast, when I was unwilling to supply her anymore and take all the blame, she painted me black and dropped me.
It's been a month since, and I havn't been that happy, even though I am still ruminating and struggling a lot. But the peace of not having her around is still better.
I feel for you as well. Hope you can enjoy yourself more without this toxic person in your life.
@@kithrynevergreen Hang in there and don't go back to that friendship. Ever.
I grew up with both parents like that. One over and one covert. My dad also was a big drinker, and before the weekend comes he got more and more irritated.
No matter what I did he blew up. If I would hide in my room “why are you there? What are you doing? Would start yelling” if I would be in the room with him and God forbid say a word when he watches TV he would make a look and just raise sound on TV to the point of unbearable to “teach me a lesson”.
I left home at 16 and at 28, I learned about narcissism and started working with a therapist. My dad would get angry at me for grey rocking, he would just start an argument, yell at me, and then tell me how crazy I am.
The worst part older my parents got, worse it got. Their temper got so much worse.
My mother who always served my dad but bullied me, is more as covert. I was always afraid to “say right things” otherwise she would do a silent treatment.
My parents would ask very personal details about my personal life and if I would answer “all good” they would blow up. But anything personal I would tell them, they would ridicule me or use it against me in the future.
Last drop was when my husband cheated on me and my parents tried to get all details and then blamed me for it and basically destroyed me even more.
I have been no contact for some time and every now and then they find a way to write me through some app “you hate us! Your kids will do same to you..” I try to delete it immediately and block but still happen to read first sentence which is always something aggressive.
"He just wants to be mad" is something I would say to those who saw the struggle I was going through. None of us knew the depth of the overall issue.
I like that reply, placing the action back on the person rather than absorbing their anger. "He just wants to be mad."
My aunt is like this. We'd be at peace and she'd say something to me multiple times a day to rile me up and get me to bicker with her.
Or sometimes she'd tell me to do something and if i said "no" or "later" she'd find ways to hurt herself and blame it on me to start arguments.
I can tell when she is moving toward her angry place. So I start walking more and more carefully on eggshells. I never know what will tip her. But I know it's coming. And yes, if I become "over-nice" to her, she blows up even sooner.
I think what it is is they get more mad when you act super nice because they get mad at themselves for not being able to be mad at you for acting how they imagine you. How do you talk somebody down who is constantly at war with their own shadows, and who just gets mad when you won't accept the roles they set up for you to wear?
Yes, Dr. Ramani, I have this experience with a person in my family who makes all kinds of rules for what we're "allowed" to discuss. It leaves me unable to be myself, but if I don't act like an open book with this person, or if I shut down and become private for self protection in any way emotionally, they will become very irritable with me. It leaves me feeling like I'm not "allowed" to respect myself, yet I'm expected on no uncertain terms to give them the utmost in respect and even obedience! Crazy situation to be in!
This!!!!! Omg so relatable
Double bind.
My father would give me a baleful glare, and say "Why do you look at me so distrustfully?"Why are you so distrustful?" Yes, I do think that they think it makes them look bad.
To me, they ARE nuts, though, because they're so disconnected from reality, and they DON'T function normally. I think every normal person who interacts with a narcissist eventually gets a queasy feeling about the state of the narcissist's mental health. They thought the narcissist was normal, but wait a minute...uh oh...
Right. You can't win for losing, even when your losing is really all they want! You lose on purpose, or make yourself small to try to minimize the abuse, and then they hold THAT against you too! If they abuse you into tears of pain, frustration, anxiety or confusion, they immediately attack you to claim that YOU'RE the "manipulative" one!
It gets better when you don't care anymore...their power is gone.
@@cymbolichuman433 exactly
@Kristen - It's downright dirty and the only to win is to leave and have a great life without them. Easier said than done tho.
The easiest way to win is to get out and only let the narc know about it when they see you leave for good
I've used this phrase so many times throughout my marriage, and he always says that I'm crazy for feeling like that or that there's no reason for me to feel like that and then of course gets mad that I said it. It's so incredibly validating to hear that there is indeed cause for my feelings. Thank you as always, Dr. Ramani ❤
Me too. I was amazed and confused when I told him I felt like I always had to be on egg shells around him. He blew up at me saying I was So Wrong. Of course that just made the egg shells bigger. I am so thankful I left that relationship 🙏.
It’s such a minefield isn’t it.
I'm just starting my plan to leave, thanks to Dr. Ramani's information I now know what I'm dealing with. Unfortunately I have a 10 month old with him so I've got to be careful and make sure I have a plan in place to do it fast and make sure the both of us are safe. Thanks for your comments!
I don't f'ing care anymore.....I say what I want when I want and when he gets mad I chuckle to myself....so predictable!
When he's sitting in his chair and I walk away and he cant see me, he will ask "what are you doing?" My answer...whatever I want.
I have learned so much from Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter! Now living my life for ME. No longer "try" to make him happy or "not angry". He is his own problem and I know it's not about me. He wants to make it about me but I know it's not and I dont care how unhappy he is. I am at peace. Happiness is a choice and I've made my choices. I'm stuck with him for financial reasons but he no longer has control over me. My happiness is the best revenge. He can't take it away from me.
@@sarahdeming9616 best of luck, stay safe xx
Eeerrrr 'Cause it's a form of grey rocking, 'cause we're happier once we've made it past them, 'cause we're avoiding/robbing them of their chance to throw us brutal unbridled meanest, 'cause we're the problem, not them!
Throughout the pandemic I’ve been removing family members and friends out of my life. My last friend which with whom I had issues with, such as speaking over me, dissing conversations, acting poorly, etc, was given the boot in December. Been friends for 8 years and frankly I had enough. So when two ppl cannot have a conversation where the two both possess emotional intelligence, it is time to go. Now, the friends that I do have are ppl that at the basic minimum have introspection and we have normalcy. The moment I see someone gets defensive about their actions, I’m out. Frankly, my life now is peaceful. I’m grateful every single day bc sometimes I cannot believe I’m no longer going through horrific experiences by maintaining toxicity in my life. Remember, toxic ppl cannot thrive unless we allow them the platform. Toxicity is a system of ppl, not just one person. Happy 22 to you Dr R! Let’s get to a million subscribers! ❤️
True, every time I said something he blowed up saying I have too high expectations… I started to question myself but realized my expectations very very basic and I always tried to explain him and give him examples of high expectations :D imagine :D
My mom is a lot like this. And the family learned early on to monitor triggering her sensitive button. She thrives on gossip and being the center of attention. When addressing both my parents with salutations, she voices her disapproval if Dad is spoken to first, given a hello. or more attention in any aspect. She made an issue at his Mom’s funeral about his family addressing him during grievance. I'm so aware of the Narc in her and platforms like yours help me to navigate loving her while Walking a thin line & Egg shells. Thanks Dr.🌟
Gosh that’s tough. Your awareness is a powerful advantage.
I'm so sorry that the person like that is your mother. With me, it's my older sister. She used to ruin every holiday dinner with a huge meltdown, solely based upon something like "Dad didn't notice what I said".
Recently, she completely ruined a rare, and pretty expensive trip to a museum - all because my daughter went through a door into a special wing, and I followed, assuming my sister was following too. She immediately turned it into a case of us snubbing her, and carried on with her drama throughout the entire rest of the day, spoiling the mood for days afterward.
She's 55 yrs old and has the emotional intelligence of a toddler.
Ditto! Your comment could be written about my Mum she is exactly like this. Unfortunately my Father is a Narc too so life growing up was extremely difficult. X
Well said sis. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
This has been my scenario since I figured out the treatment I always received from my mom. I was told “ you think you know everything”, so I went grey rock then I was told “ cant you even talk to me? I hate your monotone attitudes and blasé conversation.” Does not matter what I do if I give a gift its not good enough if I dont I am a thoughtless ungrateful daughter. About a year ago my Grandmother (whom I adored) passed away. My mom’s mom whom she also mistreated and I was able to let go. Took me 54 years and tons of research and self reflection.
I saw her video pop up and had to click... Love you Dr. Ramani❤❤❤❤❤❤
I wonder if their negative reaction to "walking on egg shells" is because they view it as manipulation. My narcissist ex believed he was the master manipulator and felt he could never be manipulated.
Yes !!! Anything that highlights their shortcomings is a trigger
Living in a narcissistic family system, with plenty of interdictions, and without having contact to normal human interactions, leaves you walking on eggshells throughout your adult life.
Getting rid of this habit is very painful, even with therapy.
We always will be finding non-empathic people (not necessarily narcissists all the time) stating gaslighting things like: "you are SO sensitive", "you are TOO MUCH polite", "you don't know how to be happy", "why are you SO fearful?", "you don't know how to be with people and people abandon you", "you don't accept other people", "relax and live life... you don't know how to live".
I remember, in the past, feeling my body tense and aching when some subjects or remarks were done. Many times I gave up human interactions because I felt it was so difficult or painful. At other times, I could say, candidly, something preachy and was taken as an intolerant person by so-called open-minded people. Nobody will be able to see you as a consequence of your past, but only as an expression of a stubborn will in the present.
I started not saying whatsoever and I recoiled to my shell.
Then came a period in my life, during my 30's, when rage and frustration arose and I started to speak openly my mind.
Both attitudes kept me on a social island.
With therapy, I learned how to regulate the silence and the speaking and to choose what I really want to discuss or fight for.
Anyway, I still have to deal, at times, with this eggshell thing that derives from the former feeling of not being enough, and not recognizing that my needs (even self-expression needs) could have been validated.
Very familiar of what walking on eggshells sounds like. Not any more. Hated me for not taking the bait.
I love how we spend so much time and energy living around narcissists. We do our utmost to avoid conflict with them, handle them and rearrange our whole lives to keep them from making our lives a living hell and they don't offer us the same courtesy. I apologize, but I'm going to be very harsh and say that I feel these people should just be institutionalised! When you cannot reform a member of society, you lock them up for the safety of others! Thank you for another insightful video, Dr. Ramani. Have a great week. 🌻🌻🌻
It's not harsh, I agree. It seems to me that the issues many people go to therapy for in some way lead back to dealing with these cruel people, whether it's a relationship, or to get help for a crippling mental illness caused by the trauma inflicted by narcissistic parents. What if all the world's mental health experts instead turned their skills to figuring out a way to fix the narcissists, instead of fixing the damage they've caused to the rest of us.
I absolutely agree...... These people should be put in mental rehabilitation centres and get treated
"There's a list a mile long of topics you can't talk about" yesss.... I noticed this before I noticed the relationship was toxic! If this ever happens again I'll know what I'm dealing with :)
I watched one of your segments on another channel, which lead me here to your channel, as the videos have hit home to such a degree, that I've now watched a bunch. My ex-wife, is what one would call a covert narcissist, and fits the bill in almost every regard, right down to my daughter and I, feeling like we're walking on eggshells day-to-day, and these videos have helped me realise that I fell victim to that, emotionally, financially, and physically, of which I'm still dealing with the consequences of, 9 years later. I'm commenting now, because of the statement that most narcissists are extroverted, and that is, I guess, why I didn't recognise it, and neither did anyone else, as she was very good at playing the victim, in many ways, and came across as an introverted, nerdy, quiet, bookworm, to the outside world. During the divorce, she went after my friends and family, even my adult daughter from my previous marriage, as well as my parents; tried to ruin my career, take my money, car, and my pets, for maximum damage. She played the victim there, just as she did throughout the marriage. At the end of the day, she didn't succeed in most of her goals, thankfully. I'm still angry about it 9 years later, I think mostly due to not being able to properly defend myself against her physical and emotional abuse back then, but thankfully, these days I'm in a much happier marriage, with a very lovely, and normal woman.
At least with the suspected covert narcissist that I know, it's almost like they weaponize their victimhood. Almost everyone in the social group got sucked in at one point. I did, too, although I was also once of the first to notice that something wasn't right. Because people want to see themselves as kind and caring and compassionate, so when someone who's struggling tells you that you're making it worse by saying or doing X, of course you want to stop doing X. And then turn on anyone who keeps doing X. The problem is that what's reasonable to do in small doses or for a short duration of time (like not talking about death around someone with a dying family member) gets twisted and all stretched out of proportion with a narcissist. With them, it's a constant. And that's not okay
@@oesteful My ex didn't like anyone stealing the spotlight. When I experienced the death of a loved one, suddenly that next day, one of her distant relatives from another country, that she's never spoken about, has passed away, and I'm being insensitive for not supporting her enough during her difficult time. If something went missing around the house, someone stole it, such as my mother or my daughter, leading me to have to find it, to point out no one stole it, which would just make her angry. She was very childish in many regards, such as throwing a tantrum if she didn't like the dinner I had cooked, or didn't give her expected amount of attention for whatever. Walking on eggshells, as I did, would usually lead to an argument, and physical abuse, but at the time, I didn't realise it might be the fact that trying to avoid such engagements, might be making it worse. I felt like a turtle hiding a shell when she was near, and I would cringe whenever a friend of mine would do something that would set her off. Unfortunately, as my mother said, she lived in a fantasy world, so she would argue facts, or try to tell people they were wrong about stuff they had personally experienced. Of course, she wasn't always like that; at the start, she was quite nice, like she was to most she met, but once we were married, secure in my house, she got quite nasty, right down to "hating kids". It was when I saw she was making my daughter miserable, that I ended it, as her behaviour toward my daughter made me realise what was happening. I still didn't realise that all this is common narcissist behaviour, until I started watching these videos, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that, so there are likely many victims, because I feel that everyone around her was a victim, simply because they were unaware, even if they didn't experience what I experienced.
Wow she put you and your daughters through a lot. I'm so happy you are in a good relationship now and thriving!
Once I knew I was going to leave and get out of a narcissistic relationship I only talked about watching birds or squirls. I quit communicating about anything else. One day he told me he's been walking on egg shells every sence we were together. He was really trying to drag me in to communicating so he had an excuse to rage. I didn't respond to his statement. Apparently someone said that to him, so he repeated it to me, looking for a reaction. I studied the squirls playing to keep from saying anything. When his plan didn't work he jumped up slammed doors, stomped through the house, slammed some more stuff around and started talking to himself. Angry, because I didn't say anything. My thoughts were, "There goes the egg shells!" Free and healing today! Thank you.
I think that people with narcissistic traits tend to be fight types... as opposed to flight etc. I think they need to find an outlet for their anger that isn't beating up on people... That's the first thing... like they could go boxing or something
Grey rocking ROCKS! Really. Not in intimate relationships, perhaps, ...but for family members ❣
Similar to going grey rock....they love the fight too much. It drives them crazy when you don't fight with them. They also hate being called out on their BS. I love calling out Narcissists just to see their response. I'll tell a narcissist to their face that they're a piece of shit...I'm done walking on eggshells.
When they realise you are being cautious, they also gaslight you saying that it's not true that they might over react at the first misstep you make!
This is no way to live life because eventually it will drive you insane but I understand that in reality many of us can be stuck with narcs until we can make a plan to leave.
At least for me when I was stuck at home because of the pandemic I would just not engage with my family much, have an early bed time and morning routine to do my meditation, yoga, journaling and work goals to get me out of the mental prison.
I would easily not be robotic because I am quite bubbly so I could even joke about the weather. The only way I could keep sane is maintaining zoom calls with friends and cousins to
be my normal self until I could leave the environment.
No one deserves to live a life of waking on eggshells and robotic communication just to keep sane so the best thing is always in my opinion to eventually make plans to have physical distance from the toxicity because at least over the phone you can reject, block or place the phone on the side and let the person rant by themselves while you are doing something else or just never have contact again which is much more peaceful for the mind,body and soul because we all deserve this in life and the peace that comes with that is worth it.
Spot on again! Thank you soooo much!!!!🧡
This is my childhood with my narc mum in only 10 minutes. Already as 3yo I realized she wasn't a nice mum. At 13 she asked a personal question for the first time in my life, that I decided not to answer (because she never asked anything personal before, so now she also wouldn't know anything). As a teenager up till as far as 35 I was afraid of her judgings, so I shared almost nothing. After 35 I started more and more speaking my truth and I always got the "boomerang": deflection, minimisation, accusations, etc. Finally at 42, December 31st 2021 I quit and went no contact.
aa!! Just a few days ago! Be strong with your decision. Also be strong if you change your mind! Do what is best for you!!!
@@mariamakraki8501 Thanks! My first feeling was guilt, now it's anger because of what she did and how that had huge impact on my life. And that's where a next level of grief starts kicking in today. I know I can do this though. I already grieved some losses almost on my own.
You will go through the stages of grief all over again. Let your emotions do what they will and be compassionate with yourself. 💜
@@Picca65 Stay strong and enjoy your life!
@@Picca65 You will be fine!!! You now know it's not your fault !! It never was!
Every time you describe the narcissist, it makes my memories vivid. So much I had to go through. These little skirmishes where I felt like I was losing my mind. I was losing ahold of reality.
it's just worth avoiding them at all costs. This is all a waste of time better spent on actual work. Re my personal life, it's a 0 narc tolerance zone
"Like talking to a device" Sad but true though your comment made me giggle! My ex is extremely self-assured and according to his mother, he and she are the only two perfect people in the world. He would get back from work and it would be like a board-meeting and I would have to report to him. He needed to know everything which was so controlling. He was very happy to dish out criticism, belittling comments and sarcasm but if I ever had reason to question him I would be given many reasons why my opinion was wrong. He was an excellent 'negotiator' (in other words highly manipulative and condescending) and it just left me without a voice. And even when I went grey-rock this annoyed him and he would start goading me into an argument. It was mentally exhausting then and still is just thinking back on it. Getting these verbal dynamics out of my head and self-gaslighting post-marriage has taken years but thanks to your work I now realise what it is and am making headway. Best wishes Dr Ramani.
The idea of the status report at the board meeting made ME giggle because that is my life. 50 questions trying to find the weak point that they can yell at you about. Glad you’re out.
Yes. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. You can never win. Thanks for this very interesting video. Many blessings for you and your mother.
Yea I have and my ex husband actually lashed out at me physically, hitting me on my leg with his fist, that was the beginning of the end for me, I left him a month later. I never want to be in a situation like that again and when I feel I have to start eggshelling with someone, it's a big red flag to run as fast as I can in the opposite way
Yes, my ex physically attacked me. That was the end while still being calm and careful and cautious. He never admitted the attack and referred to it as grabbing my hand.
Still have not recovered from that.
@@wildhorses6817 So sorry to hear that and yes, they justify or deny
My thin skinned narc physically assaulted me on the morning of New year's eve after I told him some truth about himself subsequent to him giving me silent treatment for nearly 1 month
I'm sorry you experienced that..
@@dawnserrano737 Thank you Dawn, but I am a survivor
When I visited my Son and his family, I walked on eggshells. It was going okay, even withstood baiting from my daughter n-law, who discussed my ex husband for about 30 minutes(tried to) at the barbeque, which was fun too. After that, I spent 3 hours at the hotel room, by myself. Then I enjoyed my Granddaughters and her party. Then on the last day, the daughter was kind of cold, telling me how they were to visit so and so, but have no plans to visit me. Then she said, like icing on the cake, "Don't make it a long time again before you visit us again." Finally, the mother just flat out asked me this: "What is it that you are so angry about?" Frankly, I wasn't angry, just a little aggravated with my suitcase, which I had a hard time repacking (it was overstuffed). After all, it was so wonderful to be able to visit the grandbabies and my Son, we i don't get to see often. But, travel can be tiring and frustrating.
Earlier that day, we were conversing(the mom and me) and part of it was about her daughters, one was good at art. I asked what her other daughter (my daughter n law) was good at. She said she was a good mom. I didn't reply (just nodded) because she is not the best mom, just okay. But that is not for me to decide/judge anyway. She than went on to say how her daughters fight a lot. Again, I didn't reply (just nodded). I knew she was a Narc because her daughter asked me something personal about my back-round earlier, and her Mom walked in and quickly stopped the conversation. I wanted to share myself with her, so we could perhaps get closer? So, I didn't share much with her either . Later on, I surmised, that every time I share something with them, it's turned around and judged about.
And, my daughter n law was bossy most of the time and even said something nasty to my Son, who had recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. " I'm not going to be around if you get hooked up to a dialysis machine (to get him to not eat something)." Which i thought was kind of mean, but I didn't say anything. Then she said something nasty, in an angry way, to her young daughter, " Like you think your really something , don't you?" Then insulted her. I can't recall what she called her. I couldn't believe it. She's 5 years old. Then they discussed their weights and that they were going on a special diet and I discussed how I eat(sometimes I just eat two meals daily and go veggie sometimes). I was just making conversation. Then the Mother looked at me and said this to me, as if I had been critical of her weight, "My body is naturally fat, I don't overeat ,or eat junk food ". That kind of thing is none of my business and we all over eat and eat junk food sometimes. It's like she was thinking I was judging her. Later, she told me I should video call my son more often ,knowing that he rarely calls me ,or accepts my call. Just like she was rubbing that in.
So, I walked on eggshells most of the time, but it did no good, they don't talk to me anymore. Yes, later I got angry with them about her emailing me sharing her truth 'about me', to me. "I was a bad mom and I should start showing my son more love, or else." "And I should only discuss with them the children from now on, or else." My Son drove 80 in a 55 zone to the airport and I called him out on that and that I would like him to keep in touch more often... I don't believe I was out of line there, or rude Thanks for reading all of this. I'm heartbroken by all of this estrangement. You will always be a Mother and I adore my Grandbabies. I wish there was something I could do, but what CAN I do?
They consider eggshelling as one being fearful of them. That makes them feel powerful and a desire to justify domination.
A children with 2 narc parents we were told how important it was for us to tell the truth but then we found out the truth was never accepted! Crazymaking...
As usual, on point. I compare it with walking on thin ice. I gather myself for a long time to talk to the toxic ones, almost like to fight.
I think I grew up with a parent like this. I’m going to be 42 years old and it’s taken a long time and countless hours to get myself into a regulated enough state to see and understand that these scars live inside me and with therapy, with almost daily meditation (regulation) for close to two decades, with a commitment to sobriety, that maybe I can see my way out of this. And it’s complicated by the fact that there was so much good stuff even from the parent that I walked on eggshells for… and with whom I enjoy a cordial relationship now that at least I feel proud of the way I am in it. I thank Dr. Ramani for her videos and being a big part of my healing journey, a large part of what keeps me on track and aware of what not to do so that maybe I have a chance to really do some deep work and live an authentic life filled with deeply meaningful relationships. When it gets to this point and there is a glimmer of hope, there is also the grief which when handled wisely, is a really beautiful way of reclaiming all of ones humanity.
The grief for what we didn't have, though my parents were alright, I get you on that (related to something else). I think it can make us softer in a good way if we accept the grief and understand why it's there. It can make us kinder.
Wise words🧡
It's so painful when your parent runs hot and cold. You feel guilty for noticing the bad times, then guilty for not being able to relax in the good times, then resentful and sad they can't just be nice all the time, and then wondering if you're making too much of it.... it does your head in, in a way, to realize that it's ALL your parent, and there's no way to reconcile those emotions to make them cancel out. All those emotions exist side by side, and they're all accurate responses to what you're seeing. Both frustration and hurt and disgust and gratitude and attachment and some happiness and.... it's a lot. =\
Thank you for your words. What a wise person you are.
Alyson, this is so beautifully said. Thank you.
No matter what you do, a "narc" will always have a reason to complain. If you're walking on eggshells, (to avoid conflict and keep the peace, perhaps) they are annoyed at it. When you no longer care to "walk on eggshells to keep the peace" (like, I no long give a sh*t for all this neediness, rulles blah, blah blah), or when you're just oblivious, a narc will still be annoyed. No matter what you do, a narc will always have something to criticize about you. It's exhausting. One day you just won't care either. One day you'll just leave because you know deep down you not only deserve more, you'll realize you actually have the right to have more, have peace and have the freedom to be you. Even after they pull stunts of heaping praise on you (which happens once out of 9 other times they criticize and complain) you'll be informed about "Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding", so their priase won't even matter anymore because you somehow just feel like you're being taken for a blind fool, and realize you're better than that. Everyone has their limits, and in the end you'll choose to care for your own limits and not theirs. God Bless those who choose self care first.
I used to say "damned if I do, damned if I don't".... I would sit silent...and my mother would explode....I would offer help and my mother would explode....flying glass at my face or any object within reach. People just don't know, and now I don't even care. That is a good thing. My ex-husbands (2) of them, both just like my pathetic/horrific mother...I lived in danger, physical danger, and now....I have no "skin" left to tolerate or excuse behaviors like this. I cut off anyone who exhibits cruelty in word or deed. Bless the Merciful. When I pray it goes like this (Holy Spirit, regenerate healing rejuvenate health with Wisdom and Strength to Know and Do Right). The amazing thing is that I feel Love for these unfortunate people, perhaps that is the true victory.`
I ♥️ that!
"Bless the Merciful"
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
They also rage because they know they’re the reason you’re acting weird.
I used to eggshell walk all the freaking time, but I could never win if I said anything about me being happy they get pissed off if I walk on eggshells then get pissed off. So I eventually got pissed off enough not to walk on eggshells and I'm the type of person who will tell you how it is bluntly as well. So the narcissists that have been in my life don't exactly like me because I am blunt and I won't sugarcoat anything is not in my DNA I hate sugarcoating things bugs the hell out of me.
Sugarcoating inflates their ego more. Their ego must get punctured, not inflated.
@@yasminenasser-rafi3696 Exactly, and that's why I don't sugarcoat anything, 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I actually told my narc hubby once during an argument that I wouldn't sugar coat sh@@... I'm NOT Willy Wonka. Went over like a lead balloon.
@@shellyrowe2856 Wearing The superficial mask to me, it doesn't make sense to me. Why people aren't more honest with each other? It just baffles the mind because a narcissist will literally say "Do as I say, not as I do." if they spent a little time doing introspective work (the way we have done for our entire lives to try and figure out this whole freaking mess), they might then realize is a little bit of I don't know actually emotions ( yet, to them showing emotions me weakness), when in actuality it's a strength to be able to show your weaknesses two others and actually ask for help.
So on the money. Personal experience:
I got rid of them, and thanks to professionals like yourself, the door
is closed to replication.
Thank you, Doctor.
And if a narc starts to feel like they're being handled, it implies that the 'handler' is smarter/ more aware than the narc is. The narcs in my life hate being 'known' because they think they're good actors/liars who can fool anyone.
The one I'm dealing with is running on "automatic", being super predictable and isn't remotely aware enough to notice me walking on eggshells.
He used to say:
don’t you realize how you push me and make me do all those things. You have to observe yourself so you realize how you provoke me, be responsable of your acts. If you just see yourself you will understand how you make me say this things, you make me yell at you.
They are never accountable for their behavior. Victim blaming is non stop.
Oh my cluster of cluster B has had me walking on egg shells all my life. I wish this kind of professional insight was available 50 years ago. I have been damaged but I also never want to damage anyone else because I'm so messed up inside. Going through the motions is becoming harder now but as I've been awakening to the truth of it all I definitely find this channel, Dr. Ramani more helpful than I can put into words right now. 💚
Thank you as always Dr Ramani, just went through all of this with my so called best friend, I allowed her to move in with me and before I knew it all her masks dropped! She is actually a sociopath according to my therapist. I quickly became a prisoner in my own home and had to ask to her to leave because of my health issues! In the end she was creating problems that never existed! They love drama, ...not in my house, I spent 10 years getting our of a narc marriage, I didnt expect someone I knew for 30 years....but she's gone, my home my rules! Great video, I doubt seriously we can ever be friends again. Its worse than a divorce!
If it were not for finding this channel, even as a grown adult person, I would have been still blinded to all these not being ‘normal.’ It is how I thought it is not possible for me to be wrong in life 99.99% of the times and them to be right 99.99% of times. And that. .01% times they wouldn’t even say I was right but they would say I am very ‘smart’ lol 😁
The worst part is it's so hard to comprehend that the nicest person that they were at the beginning of the relationship were so wicked in their head.
Exactly
Charm is not commitment.
I see my wife doing the "tell me the truth" bit all the time to our daughter. It's maddening
Thank you for all this information! I was raised by a narcissist father who basically tortured my mother until she died of cancer at the age of 60. I never understood why and what was going on. Everything just clicked...
I was constantly walking on eggshells. I was also baited into fights, which l felt awful about for hours to days, while he seemed strangely energized. After the split, he told me he was tired of walking on eggshells around me. You can’t win!
I absolutely agree with this assessment. Anytime I tried to pull back my emotions and talk in a calm and concise manner, my ex would become crazed with shame and rage. He claimed that I was condescending and judgemental, etc. As you said, you can't win no matter what you do. It reminds me of the movie War Games where the computer summarizes that Global thermonuclear warfare scenarios are "(A) Strange game. The only winning move is not to play"
I had this type of childhood with the family I grew up with. I've gone on to form relationships of this kind growing up, with friends and romantically. I'm thankful for my eyes finally opening up at the age I am now (23) but at the same time these realisations can be quite disturbing. I have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour but I have also been the one doing it to others. I can't believe that's who I was becoming. I've pretty much had to drop all of these relationships so I can work on myself and form healthy relationships in the future. I'm praying for strength right now.
Also they want to hear about things but that’s only some times so they can ignore you or make you feel bad you can’t have a real Conversation with them .
Have tried over the past 24 years diff tactics to speak to him...nothing works like you said its catch 22. I now know to expect the unexpected in every conversation with him.
Wow you are so validating, this is so true! In fact I didn’t even realize I did this, my ex narc was the one who actually pointed it out to me (as he was raging about me walking on eggshells).
This is so weird because you're trapped from the very beginning and there's no way to win. I used to tip around all morning terrified that I'd say/do the wrong thing, narc would get angry because I wouldn't talk; then when I did talk I'd get accused of only talking when I needed something. All of these twists and turns damaged me far more than I'll ever believe they did them. I'd like to feel sorry for narc's but I can't. Not yet, anyway!
This was very interesting. My experience was a little different, but still fit within the scenario. When I was obviously walking on eggshells, my ex didn't blow up, he liked it, it made him feel powerful, but at the same time, it triggered something in him so that he would start baiting me. Then, once he got me to say the thing I was avoiding, then he would blow up. I do remember one morning however, after a blow up the night before (in which he threatened to take the children and go to Mexico, so I would never see them again - and no, he wasn't Mexican) I had to pass him in the hallway. I avoided looking at him, and he grabbed my arm as I passed, and told me to stop looking at him as if he beat me.
My partner says I bait him. Man, these narcissists really project so heavily and say out loud what they do to you. My dad is a narcissist. I keep dating narcissists.
Yes. Mine always said: "You never fight back". I just wanted a happy relationship and I never argued with him. He snapped at the little things and always blamed me for everything even for his hypertension.
It is wonderful to teach awareness about narcissism from all angles through multiple videos. The same conclusion stays don't interact with them.
If I disagree with my narc, even over a minor thing, it’s a case of “ you never support me...you never have”. Gosh I was just disagreeing with a point. Nothing about support! Just can’t have my own opinion. So yes, lots of eggshells.
Mine will say "you don't respect me", that is her big phrase. Whenever she says the you don't respect me then I started walking on eggshells.
I dated a narcissist recently. Anything I would say , he somehow found some triggers, got upset and gave me silent treatments. Then I stopped telling him stuff and he made an issue out of it as well.
You keep the peace with them. No matter what you do it's wrong. They are malcontent miserable people.
My eggshells isn't just about what I say, he controls everything in the house, the list for groceries, garden, etc. If I should leave a teaspoon in a cup by the kettle, there is an anger-frenzy. If I leave the pantry door open, there is a rage beyond words. Apart from his oppositional conversation style, my eggshells are to avoid his rage about the most feeble things. He has double standards, so what is OK today is most probably not by tomorrow.
I've stopped talking about anything to him, I literally avoid him at all times. The good news, my long awaited project was approved (I did it in secret or he would start playing the 'poor me I don't have money' game). As things stand, I'm hopefully leaving at end of March this year. He has no idea when I'm leaving but he knows that I will. His control is overboard and I wasnt allowed to leave the house for 4 months. My kids literally gave me one day notice, picked me up for holidays. He freaked but I couldn't care. I came back from holiday, stronger, confident and literally 'smile and wave' at him.. I crushed his eggshells, f@$#k him.. Excuse my language xx he is a passive aggressive covert narcissist and I am focused on not reacting to anything, so no more punishment either 😂 he is deliberate to bait me and I just go about as if I don't notice it.. My holiday gave me the insight and breathing space to see and do things differently. I was a total wreck
God bless you. I hope everything works out well for you! Stay safe. Stay strong! ❤️
What a tiring way to live - always on guard. Very stressful. Your kids sound great, taking you off on holidays. Good luck. You can do this especially with Dr Ramani’s guidance.
@@susannay.3437 Thank you so much. There is hope and a plan.. Something to look forward to.
Godspeed to you!
WTG!
@@lenageorge1686 yes it drained me. I ended up in hospital for three weeks last year with a nervous breakdown from all this anxiety and eggshell-walking. Not long from now, I will be free from this monster.
OMG, if only I had fully understood this in the past it would have explained why I was "damned if I did and damned if I didn't"!!! I would only have to look or smile the wrong way and he would fly into a rage and I would bare the brunt. Have been narcissist free now for 3 years... feels like being reborn... FREEDOM!!! Thank you for yet another awesome video Dr Ramani!!💖
Everything about this video makes so much sense ❤ it definitely solidified for the WHY you can't win with types of people!
She actually said " I'm so sensitive ". 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ...like a Mozambiquan Cobra!
This is so true--I had a boss where I tried doing preambles with--sometimes it worked, especially if the preamble was peppered with flattery and making yourself a lowly servant to her. But many other times, you could see her tensing up because she knew you were buttering her up and essentially gearing up to ask her for something. Even if what you were asking was reasonable--her defenses immediately went up and she assumed all the handling meant you were up to something suspicious. Towards the end of working with her (and my figurative rope), I stopped asking for permission to do things and just started doing them. It still pissed her off and got passive aggressive abuse in return but I figured at least I got to keep my dignity! It's like Dr. Ramani says. I couldn't win no matter what--if I asked her opinion or for permission, I got a bunch of berating that I was an idiot and it was my job to do x, not hers. If I didn't ask her opinion and moved forward with something, I got totally reamed for not running it by her. Lose lose!
The minute you wake up to what narcissism is and that you are in a relationship with one you need to make your exit plan. It might take 10 years, but make one. I stayed for the sake of kids. I still think it was the best thing to do, but who knows. An exit is the only answer.
Dr Ramini, I can’t thank you enough for sharing. You are always my first go to.
I sometimes think how i will feel when you announce the end of your educational work 🥺🥺🥺 thanks Dr. Ramani for your dedication and honesty.. God bless your heart and soul ❤️
❤️❤️
I've never viewed egg shelling like that before and thought it was the right thing to do ! I began grey rocking and it reminded me of another person who used to do it and I always wondered why they seemed to have no opinion of their own on anything but then understood it when I began to do it myself cause I felt it was the only 'chance of survival' - but didn't realise the affect it was having on the narc. A very interesting take on it indeed. Thank u Dr R.
I have a genuine fear, Dr. Ramani saving so many of us by helping us to understand what we actually went through and recover. But on the other side there are so many Narcs who will also go through her contents and will try to gaslight, minimize, invalidate her good work. Being a Narcissistic abuse survivor (as well) I hope Dr. Ramani keeps her focus on us and not get burned by those bunch. Dr. Ramani thank you so much for sharing all these knowledge with us and thank you for helping us to at least see a path in this darkness.
All the time! I did not realize I was doing that until a friend brought it to my attention. We all know that is impossible. Thank God for friends!
I try to make a mental note (and later a physical one so I don't forget) when I meet a person how long it takes before they start to gossip or...not at all. If so then how much and to what extent and how many people they go on about. Also, what are the issues they are accusing someone of? Likely, that is what they are actually the one doing that. Those instant gossips I just smile and nod my head and run off first chance I get. Always, Always Always be afraid of that first friend at a new place of employment. The one who has to tell you who as well as what everyone at work is/has been/ and forevermore shall be. They are completely full of it.
No matter what you do they will resent you. That's the behavior of these people!