Narcissists say this to normalize their behavior
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- Опубліковано 24 лют 2022
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The narcissists prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, *YOU DESERVED IT.*
spot on!
Chilling and so true!
@@nancys1016 👍😠
So true
This is perfect 👍👍 🎯
Response to, nobody is perfect.
I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for common decency and respect.
Yes!
That's an excellent one. I was going to say "I never expected perfection".
I used to throw that one back.
I'm not asking for you to be perfect.....
I'm asking for you to NOT stick your dick in someone else....
I'm asking for you to NOT get drunk when we are at my mother's.......
I'm asking for you to NOT pretend you have a gun in the back of the taxi.
These are are real examples by the way. I rejected his distraction attempt and put the focus back where it belonged.
And just to be better.
Soo true
My wife: "you aren't good enough and you need to change yourself."
Also my wife: "this is how I am and you need to accept it."
I agree. She never says you aren’t enough but makes me feel that way and I constantly need to change.
Exactly right on point
She should be an ex-wife now
Same thing I heard!
This is what it’s like
The line I heard was “you’re not innocent either”. Trying to pull me into their bad behaviours or situations would boggle my mind. I never bought it.
My husband's version of that was "we both do" when I would try to hold him accountable for disrespectful behavior. Anything to avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviors.
Mine does this a lot too
@@laurabfromvt6197 do you not listen to your self? 😆
He was defending himself by stating you do the same to him by being disrespectful and you couldn't even acknowledge that. Instead you come here making it look like he is the bad guy.
You by example are a narcissist.
Having narcissistic tendencies but that doesn't make you one.
This sounds so horrible... 😢
@@nolynylon neurofeedback is the ONLY instrumental psycho therapy that could heal this disease..
I didn’t hear “nobody’s perfect” because he felt he was perfect. What I heard ad nauseam was “ it is what it is”. Translated to a dismissal of my feelings.
OMG I hear that all the time
Oh man I heard that so early in my marriage...along with "I m too old to change".(he was 30 and we were newlyweds and I was teasing him about a quirky habit)......Both designed for ME to get the message that my feelings mean nothing....took me decades to figure this covert narcissist out..and when I started speaking out about about serious things, he d say" I can t do anything right...or "you re so negative" or " it seems like you are just looking for things to get upset about"....usually had the desired outcome(which was overlooking HIS transgressions and deflecting to silence me)......it worked for decades.....not anymore.......a wasted life.
Same here!
@@Suzu52 Oh, Susie, I heard the same exact phrases, felt the same exact things! When you say "a wasted life," though, I hope you're referring to HIS life, which could have been filled with honesty and integrity instead of deceit and narcissism.
@@Suzu52
... not a wasted life. You've regained your power, and your future is now YOURS and you no longer have to live that way.
Breathe freely, deeply, and love yourself... you were the only one doing that all along, now you're free from constant devaluation.
"Nobody's Perfect" can be rephrased into phrases like: "I did my best", "that's just how he/she is", "well you know so-and-so just isn't very good at emotions". Radical acceptance is dished up as an enabling play. In essence, you are expected to unconditionally accept the person as they are, and expect no change, while bending over backwards for them. "Nobody's perfect" was always a one-way street to justifying the narcissist, never the victim.
This. YES.
And the phrase: " You know how I am".
Excuses, excuses, excuses for unhealthy, unskilled relationships. We take responsibility and own our behaviors...not so good and bad.
Yes! That was another thing my ex said over and over: "I'm not very good at emotional stuff. Nobody's perfect." Not owning it. Not trying to fix it. Just stating it, as if merely stating it absolves him of all blame for all things, forever. Sickening.
Right?! I forgot to pay a bill & got a late fee, for example, but I can't say oh well, nobody's perfect! I got told how bad I am with money & why I shouldn't be in charge of paying the bills & that he should change accounts so I don't have access! Until my therapist pointed out that he's just trying to scare me & all that would be very inconvenient for him to do. Also, I was able to get the late fee reversed as it was my 1st time. But of course, he makes mistakes & nobody's perfect!!
I’ve not heard “nobody is perfect” I’ve heard the variations of: “I didn’t do that!” “You’re remembering wrong” “why would I do that” “no one else thinks that way” “you’re too sensitive” “why do you remember everything” “I don’t remember that, if that did happen, I would never mean it” “you have way too strict of standards” “you’re overbearing with your expectations” “you’re so hateful”
It never their fault, they’re always the victim, they can never be held accountable nor responsible and cannot stand to have a momentary taste of their own medicine and when they do, they act out passive aggressively and vindictively
yeah and when you walk away theyre so baffled!
OMG, I got the "I don't remember that," "That didn't happen. Did it,? "How can you remember all that stuff?" over and over again. Wish I'd had the "and" behavioral approach to deal with it, and from someone else's comment, "and it's a matter of respect." Had to laugh - after I had move out and while going through the divorce, my ex finally chose to go to counselling. He was terribly hurt that the therapist kicked him out of her practice after a couple of sessions. Hmmmm. He thought she didn't like him. Somehow I suspect that he wasn't accepting responsibiiity for his behaviors.
Lol that's every excuse from my boyfriend too
A number of bosses and a former coworker are like that
I heard most of what you say too and if none of them could be said/used to my ex narcs advantage, she would always fall back to the “why do you always hold onto the past”….even if the past was literally minutes ago.
I heard “I did the best I could “. Never got any type of an apology.
I've always heard "that's just how I am." So we all had to suffer because this person wasn't going to change. It was so frustrating!
Sadly I’ve said this in past because I felt I didn’t need to and I didn’t think I could as I would be disingenuous.. however I totally see that as a stubborn and selfish position I was holding ..
Yes! That’s what I hear. I also get, “oh you never make mistakes, huh?”
That’s my mother’s fall back line and it’s so bogus. So she’s saying she doesn’t have to change but I have to change since I’m a horrible, terrible, lousy person. So I ask her, why do I have to change but you don’t. She hasn’t been able to answer that question yet. So then she does her next fall back reaction which is to cry and involve as many family members as she can, so that I’m shunned. It’s gotten so old, I chuckle and move on. Typical covert narc🙄
Yes!!!!
Yes. I too heard this frequently from my ex Narcissist fiancé. 😕
“Nobody’s perfect” but YOU have to be. This video is genuinely the first time I have ever heard that it is normal to forget an appointment or miss a bill payment occasionally. My narc mother framed those things as ultimate moral failures so I have always hated myself whenever I make mistakes or can’t do things. Thanks for another insightful video!
This is how I was treated by *everyone* on the East Coast; gee...and I wound up in toxic relationships? Newsflash: the grass is green, too! ;)
I agree the narc in my life takes my one mistake and beats me to death with it over and over and avoids his mountain of mistakes holding me to a near perfect standard yet if I confront his narc behavior he is a record on repeat “I’m not perfect I’m gonna make mistakes nobodies perfect”
💯 relating narc mother's child. Every small mistake includes equal reaction to nuclear war.
The despicable narc I know keeps bringing up the time I didn't open a box of crackers properly.....for a year and a half. Course he's also mentally ill.
That was my narc dad
I heard that a lot, along with "it's in the past" and more. My response is now "it's not her past, it's her pattern that I'm not sticking around for." That's my boundary and that means I lost 95% of my blood family, but gained so much peace.
I can't say I blame you. Enablers are abusive when they defend terrible behaviors. Good for you for gaining peace. 🙏💜
Who’s the remaining 5%? Lol. Girl, I can’t imagine, because what if the family I have to lose is my kids? Luckily they are kids, and I’m doing my best to hold them accountable, and teach them that there is freedom in responsibility. To just keep their side of the street clean. But it just shows how serious this can be.
@@betsy56 I kept one Aunt (mom's sister) because she was her generation's scapegoat and got it. And her kids are cool :) Otherwise, my bloodline ends with me.
@@knie1172 aw, thank you! you are too kind :) hope you are living your best life
"Nobody's perfect" and "you're too sensitive" waive away all the terrible things they do.
The phrase I always heard from my narcissist was "you can't always get what you want." But what I was asking for was good and right and normal.
Mine (my mother) said this when she was trying to get me to do what _she_ wanted. I held my tongue and didn't say it when we had to put her in residential care and she whimpered like a toddler and said, "but I don't want to."
I got "You're too sensitive/ judgemental/picky."
Almost 30 years later and I still get 'It is all about you!!'
Even when I've made myself invisible, dedicated my all to pleasing her every single day.
He didn’t say it that way. Whenever I spoke up about his lies or bad treatment of me, he always said “so you’re perfect”. It would always get me on defense. I fell for it every time.
They also like to say, what about that time you said/did this go nr??
Yes! Exactly! My dad would say “And you’re such a f$@&*ing angel.” I also fell for it every time, scrambling to explain and to try to make my point. What an eternal waste of time…
Same
Omg my boyfriend does that all the time.
Omg same!!!
Yeah, female narc I knew would say this during a dispute or argument,
“I’m not perfect. Nobody is! I can’t be an angel all the time. But you….!!”
Then she would go on a rant about all the ways I was wrong and how much she had to put up with and how I should be grateful and understanding.
Nobody is perfect.
Such a childish statement made by someone who doesn’t want to admit they made mistake and held accountable for it.
Thing is, her “mistakes” weren’t like dropping a stack of cards… no, her things were calculated nasty underhand emotional abuse.
Things someone shouldn’t do in the first instance.
And she knew it.
But she thought it was ok so long as I didn’t realise or call her out on it.
She would deflect and project it all onto me.
Dealing with brat-adults is ridiculous.
No contact for over 2 years now after a near ten year relationship. Never again.
Brat - adults Im going use that, brilliant! It's true!
The one that I hear from the narcissists in my family is; "You're just so perfect." This is used to shut me down from pointing out the truth that they don't want to look at and they don't want to own up to their own role in what they did. It is blame-shifting for sure.
I hear this phrase all the time from my mother.
And that's exactly why YOU'RE a doctor and they are NOT. Stay strong. And also p.s. you ARE perfect. They are just jealous they'll never be able to measure up. That's called a THEY problem not a YOU problem. And they can go right to Hell. 🙏
The narcissist action figure would definitely have this as one of the voice clips...
"You're just so perfect" is just a "nobody's perfect" with extra spite 💀
same!
Of course. “Nobody’s perfect” is one of many phrases that narcissistic abusers use to gaslight.
When confronted with bad behavior, he has nothing to say at all... except telling me that I'm wrong to assume that he doesn't value me because he breadcrumbs me and doesn't invest in me. This is crazy making. I've given him so many chances, but nothing changes. I'm done this time (for real)
There's a difference between "weaknesses" and "wickedness"
+Sister Girl Praise the LORD 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯, Sister Girl. God bless. Agape love
Yes, well put!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Absolutely! Grateful for your comment of discernment.❤️
Yes!
In my experience with narcissists I have several times heard, "It's a new day."
It's another way of saying that the horrible treatment I endured, I should basically just get over it. This of course is literally the next day, but the behavior has been ongoing since the start of the relationship. So it's like each time is a new incident to the abuser. Even though they know it's not and that you are being worn down more and more each time. So you get crazier and more frustrated and exhausted, and they swoop in to condemn your craziness and how your behavior is actually the problem lately. There is no new day to the narcissist. They are always keeping track of your behavior while simultaneously demanding that you dismiss theirs in this new day.
A doctor once said. “You can not always keep your promises.” “We are all only Human beings”.
"You only see my bad side, never my good one. You just see what is bad about me and never what YOU did to MAKE ME act like that. If people knew what YOU do to make ne do that, they would agtee with me"
Classical quote here
🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬💔🤮 sounds familiar
Are you with my ex at some point? Cause that's the exact words she said
Gaslighting!
@@edjoshuatungul194 Actually that's my mom's words.
@@taynahibanez9952 How do you manage that? Do you have an answer for that?
The difference between the narcissist and the average everyday “sinner” isn’t the amount of the abuse or the level - it’s the inability to feel sorrow and guilt for their actions
Everyday sinners are normal people who make mistakes and they are learning from their mistakes .The narc will just keep on doing the same thing and never say sorry. Stay away move on God bless
" nobody is perfect" my cheating Father said for 42 years - While he dictated that we be perfect 24-7 A real TYRANT and ugly Bully
No they feel guilty. They just refuse to publicly acknowledge their mistakes (or is it purposely acted upon behavior?) so as to not feel those pesky inevitable human emotions we all feel when we act shitty and someone else was effected by our behavior. Shame, embarrassment, sorrow. I think antisocial personality disorder is when there's literally zero remorse felt, but may be faked
The usuals for me is “well change takes time”, “I’m only human”, and “I can’t do everything at the same time; I’m only one person”
Perfect answer “and.”
- “Nobody’s perfect.”
- “And?”
I love it. The concept of adding “and” on its own, or with a statement is BRILLIANT! It works in so many ways.
- “Nobody’s perfect.”
- “And you’re still being abusive.”
It even works with other situations:
• “You’re so useless.”
• “And you’re being rude again.”
~ “You’re so needy.”
~ “And you’re controlling behavior is still unacceptable.”
- “It’s obvious you don’t care about me or my needs!”
- “And you’re trying to manipulate…again.”
I know using “and” in an argument with a narcissist could turn VERY dangerous, but it sure feels good EMPOWERING to imagine all those verbal attacks destroyed by such a simple word. And. I love it.
"And". What a beautiful little word. This has worked for me, more than once.
However, a caveat.
The "problem" with narcissists is that you can't ever go in wanting to "win" or "change" them. The only thing to do if there's going to be any direct interaction (which I don't recommend without a LOT of psychological preparation AND an escape plan locked in place) is to always stick to talking about their behavior only. I'm SO glad Dr. Ramani honed in on this! I learned this in a particularly difficult relationship many years ago. Don't give them a chance to make it seem like you're being "personal" with them. (I don't even use the word "you".). Re-direct it (gently but firmly) back to the behavior, preferably with objective evidence.
They're gonna do their mighty best to make it as personal as possible all the time---because, in their eyes, they're in the "fight of their very lives" all the time. You could literally be innocently talking about how much you like lemon dishwashing liquid, and they'll be like, "Wait, what are you saying?!? I bought the 'wrong' stuff yesterday?!? Why are you always so mad about everything?!? All I did was make a mistake! Why are you all judgey???"
And...like...you're just stunned and weirded out because there's one orange and two lemons that they bought, and you're totally fine because you LIKE the orange, too, and they already know that, anyway. It's just not a "thing" at all. But they made it a "thing" because they just wanna "get into it" with you. And it happens constantly about little stuff, big stuff, and in-between stuff.
In my personal experience, narcissists tend to make things highly personal. You, the other person, are this "object" in their minds that revolves around their needs alone, not a person in your own right situated in relationship to them. So this "over-personalizing" and even taking to heart things you might say that aren't EVEN about them, is an attempt to unmoor you psychologically, and eventually make you "the crazy, irrational one", and so on. They will usually try to make any reasonable request, a gentle critique or even an innocent comment you might make all about some negative judgment you're making about some core aspect of who they ARE. So what you've said, no matter how tangential, winds up becoming this huge "thing" about your attacking their "basic personhood". This figment of their warped perception and interpretation of reality, of course, terrifies and angers them, and you get nowhere fast. You might even be in serious danger.
The test I've found that seems to work for me to see if I'm dealing with a narcissist is if can I "stand my ground" by consistently and calmly pointing to specific behavior(s), preferably with physical, undeniable evidence. This can be difficult, especially when they are escalating things into a fight, and getting more and more personal about it. In some cases, the calmer and more sober I've been, the more unhinged and accusatory they've become. I've also had the opposite occur, where they go stony and cold. I've been ghosted, and then they're baaaaack, months later, like nothing happened. I will repeat, these are all potentially dangerous situations. Make a plan---with pro assistance, it's worth it.
I've also found it worked particularly well if I positioned myself internally in a detached and non-judgemental frame of mind: "I'm not going to 'change' or 'judge' you. I'm indicating this specific behavior which has caused that outcome. I'm not emotional about this; this behavior is a fact, and that outcome is another fact. You have the agency to see this. You can see the evidence that is here. It is your choice what to do with it." Then I detached from that particular scenario. I learned not to revisit it ever again, especially if the narcissistic person brought it up. That was a "psych" to drag me back into, "the 'thing', round two, so that THIS time, I, the narcissist, will win". Nope. It has been said already (and therefore heard already). Not playing 'the psych game'. If the offending behavior continued, or escalated, or a new 'psych' manuever started up, I left. Exited, stage left, immediately. Had a plan in place, everybody I trusted knew it was coming. Gotta have your posse.
Obviously this is my two cents, coming from my personal experience. Everybody is different and has different situations. As an empathetic, family "fixer" type of person, I've fallen into traps with narcissists repeatedly, and had to figure out ways to extricate safely.
@@feedthecatplease BEST EXPLANATION OF A NARCISSIST EVER!!!
Wow. It was like reading a summary of my 26 year marriage and escape from it.
Thank you for putting it into words.
@@amberklein6893I'm really glad that what I wrote resonated with you. Recuperating from the psych games they play takes courage and deep self-knowledge---and ya gotta have your own posse always. I wish you well on your new journey...
Whenever I would tell my father that he’d done something to hurt me, called me hateful names, made fun of me, etc. he would immediately shoot back with the words “Oh, right, and you’re such a f@%&ing angel!” And immediately I’d be into the defensive mode. Classic.
Yes if I had knewn as a teen ager already because as a child impossible to know but always went to our mother who was the hole opposite the empath...soo Beautiful Lovely Kind Loving wanting always good but with thé time I understood after had been studying the family pattern that exist..I had to accept that our mother had became an enabler..soo hard to accept and that made that the beautiful relation we had when I was à child and teenager..it had changed after having spent many years abroad and came back..the rules had changed and thé boss the father and oldest son with his narcissist woman that my mother finally didn't like that much but she had to not showing it..I miss my mother soo much.!!❣...an old father and two brothers with à wife (no siblings)went against me and I left ..hart breaking...no contact ..wont see them....they made me feeling no good so I left every time but my mother tried to make things right every time but they spoiled it..in some ways..😥
Nobody's perfect, however there are levels. There are standards. A relationship is about being with someone who is your fan, as much as they want you to be their fan. Contempt is a sign that such a relationship is not actually there.
Kim, yes, yes, yes AND it’s up to you to get out.and by that I do not mean sticking around playing victim until the narcissist dies.
@@Unpopularity this is astoundingly accurate.
“You’ll know where you stand…by how OUTRAGED someone is by your lowered emotional state.” Man…that is exactly when I knew where we stood and where we were headed..
🙏🏽
Contempt , total Contempt.
Really wonder how he treats the Wealthy Widow he found online.
or their superiority over u or they re way smarter than everybody and love to toot their own horn
or their superiority over u or they re way smarter than everybody and love to toot their own horn
At work, someone in a meeting tried with me, “you’re ok with disappointing me?” Later, when a supervisor got onto him for that leveraged question, he said, “sorry everyone, I realize I can come off as rude. That’s just a bad habit I’ve developed. That’s just me being me.” He was just setting the plate for doing it again because he just ‘built that way.’
Wow.
Be thankful he is being forthcoming. The fact that you aren't tells me you probably haven't been blindsided before. It is something that can completely change the direction of your life for the worst
Lol. What a freaking jerk. Thank goodness it wasn't me being asked that dumb question bc I would have totally been like "Yup! Now excuse me while I go eat some ice cream."
Whenever I get abused, I watch your videos and it is working for me making me calm and relaxing me. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Same here
Same. We need to hear that we are not crazy, and hear her logical explinations as to why we know we are in the right.
What I heard that helped me frame the disfunction was from a Chris Rock comedy sketch that said “relationships are hard and need two people to do the work. Two people can move a couch easy…” made me realize I was moving the couch alone always. Or I was trying to ‘move the couch’ by myself while being yelled at, manipulated, shamed and abused. I never had good relationship role models growing up or even now in middle age… I hope to create that for myself so my daughter can see what real love looks like (in all relationships including the one with myself).
This reminds me of all the times my narcissistic mother criticised me. When I kept telling her that her comments upset me, she’d just reply with ‘if your mother can’t say it then who can?’ as if that made all the hurtful comments okay.
I can relate!!
When called out for hurtful comments my mother in law insisted that she was not being hurtful just out spoken. She was so very wrong.
Mine used to say "It is what it is. Nobody's forcing you to do this".
I have heard the “nobody’s perfect” line OVER AND OVER again from toxic people. As soon as they can tell that I am the anti-enabler who has no problem calling people out and will not let people walk all over me, out from their mouths comes that flimsy “nobody’s perfect” defense.
Since the narcissist is so good at blurring the boundaries between what they do and the justification for it, the "decoupling" of the two is important. This is probably more important for the victims than the narcissist. Honest self-evaluation is almost impossible for the narcissist. But this helps the victim not get sucked into the Neverlands of blurred boundaries and perception of right and wrong. Clarification helps avoid mental stress when we always question our own perceptions. One of the most important things for any of us is to be validated in our perceptions. The narcissist is a sabotage master who loves to deprive others of any opinion of their own.
Yes, he deprives me of any statement. If I say the cup is blue, he'll not leave it be. He automatically gaslights or trumps me 100% of time. And really goes nuts with it if we have people in the house. I've learned to throw him bait, he chews on that while I undertake my important tasks. Thanks for your comment, I found it insightful.
Oh yes, especially the self righteous part about "You think you're so perfect". In childhood they even gave me and another sibling derogatory nicknames about being goody-goody, that well into their 60's they still use behind our backs. It's so childish.
My mom called me goody two shoes in a derogatory way. I didn't quite understand when I was a kid. I thought, don't you want me to be a good daughter?
Yer, I'm still made fun by my dad calling me "Saffy" from Absolutely Fabulous. The normal kid who just wanted her parents to be nice to her.
💗 sorry for your pain , samish phrases maybe a tad diff. coupled with the how dare you spiel, somehow talking about a situation you disagreed with or how you felt- always got told you were trying to be perfect or expected them to be. And nobody is perfect translated into a verbal shut down of you then of their life story how they felt, all they did for you Like uh... im 7 at this time hello
My older sister would do the same. Somehow i got labeled miss perfect when i would be assertive. Lol. While pidgeon holed at times to the middle man or counselor for my parent.
@@marieborchardt2910 That's not surprising. My sibling, who was a rebel, would judge most people around them who were making better choices as fakes. I think it's because they knew they were lacking in self discipline, felt shame for their behavior, and minimized the "goodness" of others in order to feel good about themselves. You probably triggered that shame in your mom.
Someone I know would say things like, “that sounds like a personal problem” when ever I would BEGIN to explain something that rubbed me the wrong way… and once when I actually listed everything that happened in an interaction, and how this “Best friend” hurt me… her answer to the things she said to put me down was that she “Put her Foot in her Mouth”… whatever that means. That one right there….. that one hurt me. Because I always blamed myself for the reasons she would say and do passive aggressive things to me, and would say maybe I really did something to hurt her… and she knew. She had absolutely no reason. People make personal Punching bags out of empathic/kind people and it makes me sick…. Just because you know that I’m not going to be mean right back doesn’t mean that it’s okay…..
I was married for two decades to a woman who loved this phrase. She used it to justify the most awful behavior, including physical/emotional abuse and serial infidelity. Thank God that relationship ended, and I’ve spent almost the last decade married to a wonderful thoughtful caring empathetic woman. I know that nobody’s perfect, but my current wife comes pretty damn close 😊
The narcissist I was with always had repeated behavior. Nothing changed. Empty promises, excuses galore, victimization repeated, gaslighting, blameshifting, insulting, intimidation, projection, emotional unavailability, avoidance, silent treatment, stonewalling, and nothing was ever his fault. Constantly interrupting and trying to be part of conversations that did not include him, sucking all the air out of the room.
Yes, the constant interrupting. There is no give and take. The only time the narcissist I know shuts up is when he is getting a compliment, or when the information benefits him. Otherwise he just literally shuts his eyes until I am finished remarking about something. "I'm just resting my eyes." No, he's shutting out everything that is a bore to him. Which is everything other than the subject of him.
"Nobody's perfect" said also the people close to you who cannot understand why you want to exit the relationship with the narcissist.
I recommended your channel to two of my friends who are clearly going through narcissistic relationships. You are almost the sole reason I was able to leave my narcissistic relationship and my life is so much better now. Thank you.
I did the same thing💌
Hope it helps them.
@@vinababyexperience
Well done both of you!
It's only when the narcs of this world realise they are not going to get away with their foul behaviours, that they try to behave more appropriately.
Many times they do have to lose a few partners along the way, to realise they do need to change.
On a bigger scale, if we were all clear with narcissistic people, that their narc behaviours are not acceptable, then we also change/improve society.
So, good for you! 👏👏👏
Good for you❤️❤️❤️
To refocus, I'd reply: "Yes, and actions have consequences."
In 2001 I dated a guy who said this to me "It is every man's fantasy to drive a woman to suicide". Could there ever be a red flag that is more on fire screaming out GET AWAY FROM THIS ABUSER?
Mine told me that he sought out women with daddy issues. He said so many horrible things that I wasn’t sure how to process or deal..
I had a guy years back who wanted to date me. We shared drinks together several times as friends and eventually his honest feelings about men sleeping around and cheating on their partner came out. He said, and I quote, 'Men were put here on this earth to fight and fuck.' At that he shrugged his shoulders and took a swig of his beer.
We never dated.
"No one is perfect," (Yet, anyone in a relationship with a narcissist MUST be absolutely "perfect" from the narcissist's standpoint). LOL Of couse, no matter what you do, you'll never match their moving standards.
Exactly. I heard that phrase many times as reaction to me becoming aware..asking questions about strange behaviours, being suddenly cold or detached by my ex. I know this so well..And I've hated this sentence ever since
i used to have a friend who would say, “we’re all going through something.” it rings the same for me; excusing behaviours without taking accountability.
i am proud to say i cut out this toxic narcissist. mostly because they were just plain mean.
"It is what it is"
"I've done nothing wrong to you"
"I've been nothing but good and understanding to you"
"I've never met a more selfish person in my entire life"
"You ruined my life"
"He really does love you he just has a different way of showing it"
"You really need to work on loving yourself"
"All I've ever wanted is some basic common courtesy from you, is that really so much to ask?"
"And now you're going to leave me after everything I've done for you?"
"I'm only trying to help you do better for yourself"
"I'm so sad for you that you've ended up in this position"
"You overreact to things in life in general"
"You are 29 years old and you shouldn't have to be told this from a 28 year old"
"I gave you plenty of attention and affection earlier tonight and now I need to go to sleep because I have to get up early in the morning and you're being greedy and selfish for acting this way"
"You were a mess that night"
"You're way too intense and far too much for me"
"It's unfortunate the way things turned out but it is what it is"
This is like "Narcissism's Greatest Hits." I've heard so many of these statements! It's remarkable, isn't it, how many narcissists and enablers use the same script??
You could hear all of this in one day and then they sleep like a baby while you're up all night from fighting all day.
It got to the point that he would always say..."Take what you can get", in a mean dismissive voice and walk away!
Like, this is all you deserve, don't ask for more out of me!
Wait I have said that "it is what it is" to a woman who was upset that a man she got with, ended up going back to his ex and she jumped on me to be her friend crying asking me why he did what he did.
It cut me up because I have been in a similar position it hurts that one moment it was like this then the next it finished.
I had no other words, I said in a message you will never get any answers if he said to you that you were just a notch on the bedpost you would not have went there.
However the woman who was so bereft over the man doing that forgot to mention she had already got with a new man.
In the space of two weeks of her being with the man who had done one on her she jumped in another relationship guess what? by going with her friends boyfriend.
Thank you. He labelled me as
"the most selfish person he'd ever met"
You're the 1st to echo his cruel words.
I did everything for him and when I burned out and could do no more this is what he left me with. He can now have it back. Clear projection. FREE NOW! Yay!!
Can we talk about how often narcissists claim to forget. It is such a tricky topic because people do legitimately forget some wrongs they've done especially when they're in crisis. How do we differentiate between actual forgetting and gaslighting/denial?
If this person forgets something, does he/she try to correct that mistake? Because decent people try to atone for it if they did something wrong, and then, they make efforts that the mistake is not repeated. Do you see efforts taken? Besides, try to rule out health issues that can really cause forgetfulness like Alzheimer's or ADHD and diagnosed serious mental health issues: maybe scrizophrenia or burnout can cause forgetfulness too. Does this person has enough sleep? Serious sleep deprivation causes forgetfulness too. So if someone works too much, that's understandable. On the other hand, if someone goes drinking and partying, and forgets important things, that implies careless and irresponsible behaviour.
I went through this myself. I give no credit or merit to “I don’t remember “ or “I forgot” Why? Because that is GASLIGHTING. If they don’t remember is just an excuse to end the conversation and not be responsible for anything. Fuck that. They remember
@@iandurfee3439 Pepperidge Farm remembers!
So true. The covert narc. I married pretended to have no memory for anything we had discussed or decided days before, and it often took me authentic mental acrobatics to recreate the exact same conversation as it took place (mind you, in the middle of a severe depression), sometimes in front of our children that were able to confirm what I was saying. He was a high-ranking naval officer and it was baffling to hear him rattling orders, codes, procedures, etc. whenever he received an emergency call from work on the weekends he was home. It seemed as if all of a sudden this man’s memory got a boost and he could remember all that without hesitation, but he was ‘unable’ to remember recent conversations related to family matters, the home, pets, purchases, etc… I often told him I should get a recorder to tape all our conversations so I could play them back, but unfortunately my agoraphobia at the time prevented me from purchasing one.
Simple. They'll remember everything you've ever done wrong and they everything they may have done for you (even rewriting history to make themselves look better) but will never remember their own wrongs OR will downplay what they die
"Of course [the narcissist] shouldn't have [insert despicable behavior]... But everybody makes mistakes. Haven't you ever been in a situation with others and then you retrospectively wished you had behaved better towards them ?"
That was the standard response I got every time I tried to point out to people that I had been abused.
Although people technically agreed that the narcissist has indeed wronged me, I still felt invalidated and gaslighted by the conversation.
Now I know why... Because this argument is a sneaky form of enabling.
Thanks to you, I just learned how to shut it off on the spot.
THANK YOU DR. RAMANI ❤️❤️❤️❤️
It's true, nobody is perfect.
A narcissist once told me, "there are no perfect mothers" in an attempt to excuse her abusive parenting.
Later, a wise person helped me by responding to that excuse by saying, "Yes, but some people are certainly more perfect (or closer to perfect) than others!"
“Nobody’s perfect!” says the person who thinks they are, indeed, perfect 😂
I only managed to get my ex into couples therapy once. He ended up convincing the guy that the real problem was that I was trying to control him and make him into someone else, and that I needed to work towards accepting him as imperfect. After that, my ex's attitude was that I was the one who needed therapy to work out MY issues, so I could be happier with him.
Narcissists have an arsenal of phrases they use to keep accountability at bay. Anything to avoid activating their shame.
The most dangerous thing in this is that it came from a “therapist”.
Yes!!!!!!!
My ex conned the therapist, I found a different one, for me immediately.
I'm sorry it happened to you. That actually happens a lot. That's why good therapists say that you should be very cautious when starting couple's therapy if any of the 3 A's is involved: abuse, alcoholism and addiction (though I'm unsure if it's alcoholism and addiction or if there's another A I'm forgetting about).
When abuse is involved, the abuser will oftentimes try to win the therapist to further abuse the victim (good therapists are aware of that and will prescribe individual therapy before couple's therapy can be started). Unfortunately it seems you had a bad couple's therapist. You were the victim of some sort of triangulation between your narcissist and the therapist (even if the therapist wasn't aware of it). And I'm sorry, you didn't deserve it.
@@mellophs How could you possibly know who deserved what? How do you know she isn't more narcissistic than her ex? "My ex conned the therapist" can very well be a narcissistic standpoint that they are right by default and the therapist isn't telling them what they want to hear and isn't taking their side. Which isn't to say that's the case here, but neither you nor I know that.
Yes indeed they have that favourite line... mine was "I was like that before you married me" .... I now know I was coerced by a covert malignant narcissist and know my body was reacting and showing physical symptoms that I had no clue about and did not see them as warning signs! They get off on causing chaos and sit back and watch a empath run at full speed to fix and mend and calm everything only to physically and emotionally wear themselves out to the point of hitting a wall and falling in a broken heap. The narc just steps over and with a shit eating grin congratulate themselves for broken mess they've created! At this point they have something else to move onto which is great as it give you the time and space to mend and heal and become the best version of your good self... a beautiful being is back for all to see!!!
Excellent words Dr Ramani
The "AND" is genius, because it keeps you focused on the behavior and how it hurts US. Helpful both in interpersonal stuff AND, it's looking like, in some wider cultural discussions going on right now. Thank you so much for this, Dr. Ramani
It’s such a trigger to hear “nobody’s perfect” or “I’m only human” Or “my best is all I can do”. It’s why I left my family. You can’t actually say the same thing when they’re down you’re throat. As I grew up I became more apathetic to them. They don’t have a concept of how their behavior effects others. When it comes to family you’re just supposed to suffer silently. Then if you don’t they cry “you don’t love me I guess”. Never again.
Perfect example of gaslighting
Are you my sister? I heard exactly the same thing.
It's true
Ugh. I am so sorry. NEVER AGAIN
The "nobody's perfect" excuse, and its cousins, are essentially diversions, and they are always at the ready. The better educated we are in the aggregate about narcissistic patterns, and the more we trust ourselves and heed the red flag behaviors, the less we will be bothered by these tired excuses/diversions. No contact is the best course of action because engagement is always a trap.
or whatever
I always thought (but never had the courage to actually say) “you cannot possibly be this stupid!”
One time I did say to my mother in law; “come now, show us you can behave better that this!”
She was stunned speechless!
I just experienced a very negative variation of love bombing: GUILT BOMBING! Thank to your work and channel, I was able to see it as thus. I am sooo grateful!
I also heard "No relationship is perfect," especially from the narcissist's enablers.
I really appreciate you giving us the solution to that phrase "No body's perfect". I can't say I've heard it much though, these days I just don't bother trying to confront narcissists on their bad behavior and I really don't get too deeply involved in any tasks with them, I make little to no emotional investments, which honestly isn't fun because you're not connecting authentically, but it's the safest way to operate until I can find people to make safe emotional connections with.
Wtg
We live in a world now where we have to guard our hearts. It’s good to test the spirit to find out.
Really resonated with this. Self preservation is always key!
Totally agree! And I also I have used this ‘nobody’s perfect’ phrase to gaslight myself out of not acknowledging toxic/abusive behaviour. The problem is they know the exact amount of good treatment to keep you hooked which justifies and excuses the bad treatment and they oscillate between the two. And this trauma bond formed keeps us hooked (cognitive dissonance).
It took me years to recognize that pattern because I did the same thing with gaslighting myself. The difference was I was working on myself, my patterns of avoidance, anxiety, people pleasing. He wasn't. Just apologies without actions.
@@HealingHappyAli
Bingo bango,
I was seeking relationship advice online which eventually led me to covert vulnerable narcissist and I remember feeling mortified that he checked every box 😳 I said out loud, it’s not me !! Silent vindication for my time and effort spent trying to communicate better, etc, etc thinking it was me when it was him all along. My effort was clearly wasted on him, turns
out he was just practise for Mr. Right
Oh you nailed it! My BAD habit was always to (not only) gaslight myself out of spoting a narc and running/sprinting the other way (but rather) to see it, recognize it, know that I know that I know it, and then immediately feel AWFUL for the person & gasp at what a terrible childhood they must've had. My eternal Brain Fart is that I can overlook anything, I'll want to fix 'em & heal their pain with my unwavering unconditional, judgement free love. There's this selective obliviousness regarding my giant regret magnet. 🤦
Great news. We're HERE now. I believe we've decided/accepted that we're ready to find the tools we need to kick this nasty bad habit for good! ❤
Thanks to Dr. Ramani for her generosity & sharing her knowledge + experience with us. Let's Nuke the Narcs! Truthfully, I believe there's a Narc Epidemic in the world, now more so than ever. Let's get educated, healed up & ready to lead a Nuke the Narc Task Force. Ha! Imagine the Fury of a Narc Survivor? Those Barcs Better Run! We're tough, resistant, resilient AND worthy!
I fully acknowlege & accept the total lack of justice from the inside with the knowing that the only justice I need is in knowing that no matter what (I already won). I'm not anchored or shackled to a rotten disorder or trait that stems from HIS own deep seatwd issues. Of course I wish it hadn't happened ***but since but did ***I'm in the process of releasing those cold black feelings of injustice! I am + you are (Worthy + Mighty)! Tell somebody today!😉
For over 26 years he’d say: “I’m working on it.” I loved this video - everything you said was terrific and it really resonated.
I love it! It’s another example of their saying something that sounds insightful and true, but it means ABSOLUTELY nothing! Word salad, pretending to be a real person, and continuing to be just an empty shell trying to look and sound like a normal person.
"Word Salad" Perfect phrase for a whole mess of nothing substantial!
Yep! But they crucify us for not being perfect!
My last therapist told me the same thing you mentioned how my parents arent perfect and are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have. When my mum is a counsellor herself, it's sad that this message is so prevalent when it comes to abuse.
Yes. Heard it alllllll the time , esp when I called him out on something. It changed the focus from what I was saying to putting the spotlight on me
And yes, the continually doing the same things over and over and expecting the "apologies" to be a free pass to just do it again. I took to saying, " Sorry doesn't mean anything if you don't bother to change your behavior. Actions speak much louder than words. "
I’ve heard that many of times and one I’m hearing more now is “Don’t take it personal”. As I get yelled at, gaslighted and degraded. I work for a very toxic narcissistic family. I’m a caregiver to their family member and this how they are.
I’m sorry you have to go through that alone. Thank you for being a caregiver and giving that person your care despite their family being wack as hell. Stay strong and know you will be blessed 💗
@@kristin7773 thank you for your kind words. ♥️ 🙏🏽
Boy, does that sound familiar. 20 years later I'm still trying to get my head around "I just don't want to be married anymore....nothing personal".
"you're too sensitive". That's what i got. And God forbid forget anything while you pack up an infant and 2 toddlers - by yourself - for a 1.5 hr drive for "Sunday dinner" every week that you must not be late for ("I don't want to be one of THOSE people!"). But he can forget his wallet dozens of times a year and lock the keys on the car etc. Because nobody's perfect.
OMG i just read the comments and its like every single one rings true!! I could never win an argument because when it got too 'logical' then he would throw in the 'pity card' where he's the way he is because of childhood trauma or bullying etc etc...and I am just too much of a kind person to persecute, even when i know the pattern.
I’m hearing it from my own daughter! After I spoke with her about what I was going through with her stepfather. I didn’t have anyone to speak to, and she’s been in a narcissistic relationship with a malignant narcissist for 9 years! Now we’re not speaking to each other. But she’s still speaking to her stepfather. I’m in therapy, right now! Working on childhood trauma! But I’m also living with my narcissistic husband. She told me,your not perfect. You aren’t any any better than he is! 29 years of marriage.
Besides "nobody's perfect," I heard: "I"m done talking about this." Over and over. My (vulnerable narcissist) ex deflected everything, or made me feel like I was to blame for all of his flaws and transgressions. He discarded me 4 months ago, out of the blue, by informing of his new condo that he bought secretly, and his new multiple girlfriends. All this in one blindsiding conversation. As I sat there shocked and reeling-my world suddenly falling away beneath me, yet I still had to cook dinner for the kids and help with homework- I asked: "How could you do this??"
Guess what he said, friends?
"Nobody's perfect. You're too sensitive! Why are you taking this personally? Why can't you allow me to be happy? I'm done talking about this!"
Just told me that and said it is what it is and told me I act as if I don't do nothing wrong
Their exact words I'm tired of talking about this said I was to sensitive
I feel you.
Wow. I'm so sorry you experienced this. I pray for your healing and that you will see and experience the blessings from them being gone. Till then just remember you didn't deserve that.
Same. My narc mom loves the phrase "We're not having this discussion."
Yes, we hear it all the time. The narcissists use it to justify their behavior💔 It's true; nobody is perfect, but it shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behavior or abuse, nor taking advantage of other's kindness, narcissists know what they are doing. Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani, you are so right about everything, and this is so important💖
Yes, narcissist know what they did, but if they get away with it they will keep on doing it.
@@miriamha970 True, 100%. Thank you for the reply❤
My sister and I were raised by two narcissistic parents, we refer to our childhood as "tag team hell". Our mother used the "no buddy is perfect" all the time. I have come to realize that she used it to subvert our attempts to form boundaries. That shit is not going to work anymore, thank you Dr. Ramani.
Nothing like having been gaslighted to the point where, after so many years you develop paranoia and start accusing the narcissist incorrectly. It’s both sad and fascinating seeing this play out in real time. That’s how deeply embedded into someone’s psyche emotional abuse can be. It becomes hardwired.
"Nobody is perfect " said only when it suited my ex husband when he messed up and his messes were never minor ones. However, I had to practice perfection or else he would constantly remind me of my imperfections sometimes blowing it out of proportion, no matter how small they were. Everything Dr. Ramani said is on point.
Definitely heard this! From the person who expected perfection from me 😡
I hear a variation of - “You can’t blame *that* on me.” They have a litany of excuses for everything - and can’t handle confrontation. Most (normal) people will own at least a small part of something going wrong. But not the narcissist. It’s always 100% not their fault. 100% someone else’s, and/or just “reality”. Then they use guilt and sympathy to get buy-in from bystanders.
YESSSS! I’ve heard this so many times. Even at a church I used to go to when I tried to tell them about a Church member who was not only abusive to her husband, but also turned on me and worse other peoples CHILDREN! Nobody listened. They’d say I was exaggerating and that, “Nobody’s perfect.” I would then respond by saying, “This is why so much abuse has gone on in churches over the years and people like you are enablers.” They didn’t take too kindly to that. Buts that’s exactly it. Makes me angry!
I had chills when "Nobody's perfect" devolved into a character assassination of assumed perfection; that's always how it's gone for me.
It gets very flipped around to become an issue of how you perceived something rather than them addressing bad behavior.
🤯🤯🤯
Wow absolutely so accurate. And I always have to be the one to apologise …
Sadly this is so on point. My abuser says “nobody’s perfect like you”
I've been accused of so many things in the past 2 years.
A narc, an abuser, gaslighting, selfish, a runner etc.
I really appreciate how much validation I am getting from these videos.
My smothering mum told me things like: "This is what mothers do." And "I'll tell you when you're older." Being 42 myself she now says: "I guess I better don't tell." Never showing vulnerability.
Positively spooky. When my parents had their 60th wedding anniversary reception and my narcissist father was asked in front of a big crowd what his advice was for a long and happy marriage, he said “nobody’s perfect.” It seemed like a complete non-sequitur at the time, but now…
Thank you so much, Dr. Durvasula, for posting this topic!
Another variation was the narc parent classic, ‘Wait until you have children, then we’ll see how perfect your parenting is’, which effectively excused all the harmful and abusive behaviours.
Whoa. Gaslighting, denial, justification, and blame shifting. Spot on.
This happened to me all the time with my ex and I always fell for it, until I hit my breaking point. He hit me with “have you ever made a mistake in your life?” And at that point I was just done and finally came to my senses and realized that I have actually never made the “mistake” of repeatedly abusing ANYONE in my life, let alone the fiancé that I’m supposed to love.
My answer would have been... "Yes. And it was... picking you as good life partner." Then I'd just pack my things and go. 🏃♀️
That was my mother's phrase. Also, her friends who witnessed the abuse said that. However, I was expected to be perfect as a child, a teen and an adult. I reached out to her for help while in a narcissistic relationship and this is when she would say to not be too hard on myself or my partner because "nobody's perfect". Thank you for helping heal this.
Wow. Thank you for the "And..."
A great defense to allow the truth to be spoken. Thank you!
Funny how this simple little word can be forgotten or lost in the emotional stress of The Rationalizer.
Very much true, usually phrased similar to "nobody is perfect; I am sorry I am not as good as you".
YES!!!! I heard this Every time he was cornered and no other tactic of blame and responsibility shifting was working. It definitely disarmed me and activated my empathy. That's the beginning of the victim role for him. Then him and his enablers no longer look at his bad behavior but instead target me as a selfish, unforgiving person who can't let anything go! 😩 Ughhh!!
MADDENING AND NOW I SEE IT!!
It feels so distroying... Slowly slowly they are distroying our self image. We can feel like to restored it we have to only improve/ do better but they are continuing and they will always find a way to responsability shifting. We are not “wonder people” who can do every things. We have to do a grief and work to empower ourself by the time. As we are stuck in it, we have to slowly slowly do a shift about our self identity (source of self image too) and some self perceptions about our way to connect with people and the world, and mainly about how we be in the world. It is heavy, as it force us to do a huge shift in out deep roots. Heavy, as we sometimes can see ourself changing about things we were trully and deeply believing that we were not gonna change because “they were the best way to be a good human” , or “to do for better in relationships”. It even can feel hard as they can take ownership of our changes. We are not changing “for them”. We are changing “for ourself”. It can be tricky as there is responsibilities shifting pretty often.
Probably an other hard point is that in this change we have to take care what we take in account and have to be clear about what make a behavior and positionnement an abusive one toxic one.
We are on a way 🙏🏼
Wishing you strength in your path.
@@LauM.380 I completely agree! Good luck to you.
@@laurieannJake It is absolutely maddening! Once you see it, you can never un-see it. Even with all the pain I've went through and am still going through, I'm grateful. At least now my eyes are wide open and I will never allow people like that into my life ever again! It's made me so much stronger and took me 20 years married to a narc to finally love myself. Wishing you well.
Well said. I'm not expecting perfection, only care and understanding and human decency.
“Nobody’s perfect, they’re set in their ways, he’s just old school,”. All just types of phrases to justify their behavior.
Teach on doc 🙏
I have been told these words so many times by members of the mental health team. Even “no family is perfect “
Thank you for existing
Dr. Ramini, no one is perfect, but your videos perfectly explain narcissism and validate my experiences with narcissists.
Thank you. 😊
Often--and always told, "nobody's perfect, including you" to undermine and invalidate me when I stood up for myself...
That and "We can all do better!" are great deflections from malignant narcissists.
I would hear often "I feel like you want me to be perfect. Nothing is ever good enough for you." This played on my inner voice because yes, I did have issues with perfectionism and yes I did find myself over critical. But it was because we would continue to deal with the same shit over and over and over. He'd work on it for awhile and he'd go right back to his toxic behavior. It was hard to let go because the same issues kept arising. Then I found myself burnt out because now I think it's me that's overreacting. Now I'm saying "Well, he's not perfect. Maybe he needs more time." 🤦🏽♀️
One million hours won't cover it.
Nothing is ever good enough…..
Umm asking for you not hang up the phone on me when I’m trying to speak to you about something that you’re not interested in talking about really isn’t setting the bar very high & asking for very much actually.
@@craigsmith1365 this is me hitting the like button a million times to that statement.
3
“Nobody’sperfect” a daily disregard to my boundary setting attempts.. When this was said in this video it literally took my breath away! Thanks again for all of your informative support Dr Ramani! 🤗
So what are you going to do now?
@@elsagrace3893 I left them;) it’s been two months but now I have the “and” in my pocket for any future in-perfects! ! Are you in the same situation?
@@trishkeller5001 not now but 2010-2013 but there are narcs around including family so I always check my boundaries
@@trishkeller5001 congrats! It’s literally picking yourself up by the boot straps and moving your whole life to a new place. Big accomplishment.
Thanks! So much and congrats to you as well;) I left for a year then they mysteriously text me from a different number…hovovered I now know that to be. …that round lasted 4 months and was excruciating. I actually appreciate the experience at this point because I’m now boot camping my heart into self love. It’s a beautiful perplexing thing !
Oh yes, I use to make excuses why I'm with a narc, who ended up abusing me physically and me and my kids mentally and emotionally and financially BUT WE ARE FREE NOW!! Thank Dr, Ramani for educating us🙏
You have me chuckling because although I did hear this at times, one of the biggest comments I heard nearly every day for 14 years was, "I was just trying to help." Good grief, I'm so glad I got divorced 5 years ago,, but I'm still traumatized, live in another state and still just can't believe this man was such a horrible human being.
The same message came to me in the form of "I try" over and over every argument, accompanied by crocodile tears. It got old.
I also gaslighted myself and would remind myself that we are all capable of getting things wrong, even when we have good intentions. I would justify it to myself that we were all human beings and we all make mistakes. This unfortunately kept me roped in to many unhappy years..😩
Omg, this is the real deal. We go on for years assuming they have good intentions.
@@laurabfromvt6197 yes!!! Then the veil lifts and we see the shit show that we are entangled in. No more dude!!!! No more!!!!