@@waywaybeyond "Not sure how a non-narcissist can start looking like a narcissist. If you want to, I’d like to know your take on how that happens and what that looks like" HERE'S MY TAKE ON ANSWERING THAT If you're trying to contend with a narcissist for the first time in your life you do not have the knowledge and understanding of what these people are really like. This lack of wisdom can be a huge disadvantage because the narc can use you as their proxy for their frightening long term vendettas/games/routines/ against other people. In other words, you become one of the "flying monkees" who is gullible enough to believe what the narc tells them. Very often the narc will skilfully and shrewdly convince you that other people are the villains, creeps, paranoids ... whatever. You will actually believe that these other people ( who are actually victims of the narc ) are the bad guys that the narc has had to put up with. The reality is that they finally wised up to the narc and are practically helpless in their efforts to warn people about the narc. The narc sees these people who have turned against the narc as extreme threats. The narc will do anything in his or her power to smear campaign, often going to incredible lengths to prove that these other people have sold their souls, that they are people users, have agendas or plot gain unfair advantage over other people. These other people know exactly what the narc is up to so the narc has to do everything in their power to make sure that no one listens to them. Little do you know that those erstwhile friends of the narc were once just like you and were taken in by the narc the same way you are taken in. At one time they felt flattered, entertained, included in the most intimate confidences - never realizing until it is too late that you are being set up by the narc. Narc can seem like incredible listeners. Initially it will seem like fresh air to encounter someone who really understands you, supports you, recognizes your intelligence and has an uncanny way of telling you things you have always wanted to believe about yourself. But it's just a matter of time until the narc turns their vile venom on you. The reason it is too late is that the narc has already smeared other people against you, they will not listen to your version of events, they only have a partial view of the narc because the narc has been extremely careful to only show certain friendlier sides of themselves to other people. Narcs can be quite convincing is making it seem that they are empaths and you are not. You may find out years later that you were being smeared and quite a few events and encounters with all kinds of people will suddenly make sense. You will have the closure of finally understanding why someone treated you the way they did even though you had just met them. The narc builds a toxic system that draws people in gradually but inescapably. They get fish hooks into people and can be quite controlling of how and when one person is permitted to be friends with this or that person. The narc had built up an arsenal of psychological weapons that are already positioned to take aim at you when the narc finally gives the command to the other flying monkeys - "fire when ready." The narc is extremely skilled at getting other people to wrong you for things that actually never happened. You will be endlessly frustrated, infuriated with how the monkeys believe what the narc says about you and often won't even tell you what the narc has been saying. The narc took them into their confidence and built a viciously toxic narrative story that unfortunately just enough chumpy gullible people actually believe. Even when you finally understand what has been done to you the narc can just gloat over how powerfully and completely their impressive wickedness have caused you incredible distress and drained you of years of life force. If you were once truly happy, healthy and carefree and had been blessed with really nice friends, jobs, partner, place to live ... whatever, by the time the narc has pulled off exacting their beautiful wickedness on you your own life will be in partial or complete shambles. It's all the better if many or most people in your life have been so alienated and/or confused by you that you have lost many sources of love and support and are left feeling isolated, anxious, have tremendous difficulty trusting other people. One of the few ways you may even know how to cope with life after this happens if start to adopt various routines and methods on other people. The narc will simple gloat with joy when this happens because they can point to how you have become a creep/jerk/user .... whatever because it will appear to everyone that the narc was right all along and there was something wrong with you. You will be so isolated in your misery that it will seem like the narcissist is the only person in the world who actually loves you and all you have in your life is the narc. The narc completely has you under their control. You will literally feel like the unfortunate writer in the movie "Misery" where Kathy Bates is your biggest fan and the only one who is steadfast and loyal and want to own you completely, even to the point where the Kathy Bates/narc figure can dictate will occur next in the novel that is your life. Congratulations, you have become a helpless human being completely at the mercy of a vile and frightful person. This is exactly when the narc will often appear to "see the light" and be nice to everyone else around. Everyone else will buy what the narc is selling. Namely, that the narc has finally realized what a jerk and awful person they have been but now they sincerely want to change. Unfortunately you are the only one to see what is going on but no one is believing you. You must be a terrible person because everyone deserves a second chance and believes in redemption. The first step in redemption is acknowledging their past sins. You will be judged as the hard hearted person who don't give people a second chance. If only you could open your heart and give the narc that chance the narc could truly redeam his life and join the human race. Why don't you give them a second ( or third or fourth ) chance. You are the one ( and only one ) who is standing in the way of the narc's ability to achieve growth. Seeing people fall for this is source of almost limitless fun and joy to the narc. Sometimes the narc actually starts to believe his own lying narratives and that you are the creep who caused all his problems in the past. You will feel social pressure to get closer to the narc, in fact that is the only way you can get past your problems. I hope this clears a few things up for you. As always I look forward to your comments, questions and suggestions. Please keep those coming. May the great spirit bless you and have a wonderful day. ( Sorry, TLS, I couldn't resist adding those lines at the end - your podcasts and continually enlightening deep dives into the almost endlessly mentally and spiritually debilitating experience of contending with a particularly pernicious narc brought forth the need to add that homage to your great podcast channel. )
Little Shaman! Good news! I finally did it. After years of verbal and psychological abuse, I ask for divorce and told the whole family it was happening so there would be no going back. I offered her money if she moved out in 60 days. She took it right away and moved out sooner. She lined up all her flying monkeys to try to get back at me and went through a campaign of pitty to make me feel bad. I then went no contact and have not paid much attention to all her assistants of hatred. I finally feel free and am on the way back to loving myself and am started to have happy thoughts again. You have helped me SO much with your pod casts and I thank you!!!!
As someone who just broke away from a narc after 6 years, I can relate to everything that is being said. But I have to say, HOW INCREDIBLY SAD it is to be them! To live an entire lifetime as a lost soul in so much pain and torment because their parents were horrible to them. Someone, someday, somehow has to come up with a way to deprogram them like they do with people who have been in cults. My heart aches for my ex! Especially since I have to "abandon" him in order to survive myself.
Yea there's NO CURE for narcissists. You can't take a pill or therapy to gain understanding and fix it. They been this way their whole life to survive. They won't change that. It threatens their existence. They're paranoid thinking everyone is out to trick them. If ANYONE claims to be cured of narcissisim via meds, or God cured them, they're a SCAMMER and con artist.
This really puts grey-rock into perspective. It's not AT ALL like holding a mirror up to a mirror, rather it is holding up a void to a mirror. And it's so amazingly effective.
I saw a complete disassociation of their behaviors from who they believe themselves to be. They believe their behaviors have no bearing affect on their character. Example: They do bad things, but still believe they are good people. They want others to believe this too. They don’t believe their behaviors define who they are. Somehow there is a complete disconnect. They don’t make the connection between how they behave and how it defines who they are.
It seems to be the opposite in many ways. They can't see that behavior is not who you are. This is why they can't admit mistakes or wrongdoing. In their minds, this makes you a terrible person. This is also why calling out behavior is taken as an attack on them as a person. They don't see a separation in these things which is why they go to such great lengths to make one. Does that make sense?
@@thelittleshamanhealing so, part of the black/white thinking? Victim did something the narc deems to be "bad", therefore victim is painted black (and is seen as all bad).
Hit the nail on the head. My ex did/said the most vile things to me and his other exes, yet can still come out and proclaim to you he is a good person and you are the one he must learn a lesson from. And he really seems to believe this. The most unfortunate things for victims is the narcissists ability to keep the charm on for all others except intimate partners which makes the victim so confused. It's hard to be validated when you are the only one victimized from this "good person."
None of their actions are organic. They are all about getting an emotional reaction, positive or negative, out of others. They are the living dead, in my opinion.
yep but its hard to do, who r we to tell a parent how to raise there child unless they r closely involved with us we can only give them informative advise but its up to them to practice it. u can see physical abuse or neglect but u cant see verbal abuse. we see it in the supermarket or at the mall when a kid is throwing a temper tantrum because they r not getting what they want yet a parent breaks down and give it too them just for the peace and quite, then they wonder why at 13 they refuse to except no for an answer, we also see it where parents will reward a child's bad behavior only encouraging more bad behavior, yet all the money in the world cant by u happiness or free u from a crime or trouble u have found your way into. a child that is spoiled grows to believe he or she is entitled never learning responsibility empathy or compassion for others, its all about me me me.
@@Healinglove I'm glad you mentioned this because I often think of the children, especially in regard to my family members, which makes it easier to have compassion. It's still best to have no contact though, if possible, as their behaviour is extremely harmful, no matter what the reason is for it. 🙁
@@cyndigooch1162 @Cyndi, I pray that I could have contact with my Moonpie, she was like my very own daughter, my ex narcs granddaughter, we raised her, she'll be 6 years old this October 12th, it will be the very first time she will NOT be with her NaNa on her birthday; them, the coming holiday's. 😭💔
Hi there. I've been binge watching so many of your videos over the last few days, and I have to say that I find your channel amazing, and provides the insights & answers to questions that I've wanted for a long time. Most UA-cam channels about narcissism are from people who are survivors of narcissistic abuse (& I completely sympathise with these people - it must have been torture, and left wounds that take years of self work to heal) and so are more focused on manipulative & controlling actions. I have not had a narcissistic parent or partner in my life, but have had two narcissists in my life, one (my brother) who I have had to cut all contact with, and the second (a friend) whose narcissistic traits ended up causing me a lot of emotional & practical damage. In both cases, I have been completely bewildered by the fact that they seem to live in some kind of 'alternate reality, where their relationship to other people & the external world just doesn't seem 'human' (regardless of whether they are 'good' or bad' people). It's like they're from another planet entirely. Your profound insights into the narcissist's sense of self, identity, relationship of the self to the external world & other people , & perceptual differences has finally given me the answers I have been seeking. One question remaining for me (which perhaps could be the subject of an entire video) is about narcissists & mood. You talk a lot about narcissists 'self hatred'. However, with the two narcissists I know, both mood and the noticeable degree of self hatred are extremely different. With my brother, he is very high on the narcissism spectrum, though probably just short of an NPD diagnosis, possibly because it's complicated by other mental problems (in his teenage years he was diagnosed as bi-polar). He has always had long bouts of depression, screwed up several marriages & periodically gets sacked from well paid jobs. In later years, he has turned to alcoholism & extreme overeating (which will probably kill him in a few years). Myself and my family know that deep down he has always realised he's not fully 'human' and hates himself for it. With the other narcissist I know (my ex 'friend') he's definitely a NPD, and in fact so high on the spectrum he' could win the Narcissist Olympics. Yet, if you met him, you would think he had the 'Secret Of Happiness'. I don't know if you know the English actor Brian Blessed ? This guy's persona could best be described as 'Brian Blessed On Cocaine'. Nobody has ever spotted a crack in this persona, and he displays NO traits of self hatred whatsoever. In his case, I think he's just been clever enough to create the IDEAL life for a narcissist. He' was involved in the 'performing arts' (which always guaranteed him an adoring audience). He has been 'happily married' for 20 years with an adoring wife, who he doesn't even HAVE to manipulate (she just bows down to his every whim without question). He has never had to live in the 'Real World' and hold down a job. His wife works 14 hour shifts in a very highly paid profession, while he lazes around the house all day being a 'poet / philosopher'. He occasionally gets a gig at a local poetry club (which earns him next to nothing) yet because of his wife's income, he can live in a big house, eat well, and they can have foreign holidays together. He also is (at least on the surface) a very 'spiritual' person. He is a combination of pagan / shaman / buddhist, and at least intellectually he really knows his stuff (& also does occasional performances as a 'Green Man' at pagan events). While his wife is out at work, he has a rigorous discipline of a few hours a day chanting, drumming & meditation. Sometimes I have wondered if his 'spiritual practices' are a way of 'managing his narcissist' symptoms. Yet, for all these 'spiritual practices', it finally dawned on me that he was a 'hollow person'', utterly selfish & with ZERO compassion or empathy towards others (in some ways he's like Aleister Crowley - capable of profound self-centred spiritual insights, but with no capacity for genuine connection to anybody else). I was his sister's partner for 16 years, and when she died three years ago, all he could do was over hogwash abstract bogus 'philosophical' mumbo jumbo (instead of extending a genuine sense of compassion) and gave a really bizarre speech at her funeral which was all about him showing off and telling a story about HIM (that told us nothing about his sister). Also, within days of her dying he was making really inappropriate jokes & comments about her, as if he couldn't understand how hurtful that was to other people who DID care about her. I mentioned about how these 'spiritual practices' might be an attempt to (somewhat successfully) 'manage his symptoms', but I think it might go a lot deeper. I remember on one occasion him lecturing me about what 'self' meant. It consisted of some really intellectual abstract Buddhist notion of how 'self is an illusion' (& I'm not unfamiliar with Buddhism myself, having actually lived at a Buddhist monastery). What struck me at that point was that his 'Buddhism' probably wasn't 'genuine' . He'd just been clever enough to find a 'spiritual path' that completely JUSTIFIED the 'false self' that a narcissist has.
@John Hooper - Thank you for your kind & thoughtful replies. I actually DID ask him for help, but he completely screwed things up. Whilst some people I've told this story to assume he had 'malicious intent', I actually don't think that's the case. Instead, I think that that being a narcissist, he may have 'intended' to help, but his lack of understanding of the human condition made him make a complete screw up of the 'help' he gave me (It's a very complicated story that I don't want to go into here). This taught me that narcissists, even with the 'best intentions', albeit partly motivated with the desire to obtain gratitude & admiration, just DON'T understand the basic human condition to even be CAPABLE of helping.
@John Hooper - As for "when he is not in the spotlight" that only happens rarely. If he's in a room full of people, 90% of the 'conversation' will be coming from HIM. He talks incessantly, and it is all about HIM (stories from his life that he believes must be fantastically interesting to other people). On the rare occasions anybody else can get a word in, it depends on the person. With his wife, he can fantastically rude to her. She DOES speak slowly & quietly, and 'ums' & 'ahs' a lot (but does have interesting things to say) and you can see him either not listening (head turned away) or an expression of irritation on his face. He'll quickly interject with "Don't be silly", "No, no, no, that's not what happened", "Get to the point" etc. With other people, he won't be as overtly rude, but just leaps into the conversation at the first opportunity to drag it off into something that isn't really what's being discussed. For instance, with some people, we were discussing somebody we knew who we were deeply concerned might be taking dangerous drugs, and he just leapt in (on hearing the word 'drugs') with "I took LSD in the 1980s" and then proceeded to regale us all with tales of various acid trips he'd had. You ask "Did I ever ask him for help ?". That's a long & complex story, and was the cause of our falling out. He DID offer me 'help' and hospitality after I went through a dreadful trauma, and even put me up at his house for a week. However, the 'help' he insisted on giving me was HIS idea of 'help' (which may even have been well-intentioned) which involved picking away at my traumatised emotions, telling me which ones were 'right' and which ones were 'wrong', and coming out with hollow New Age platitudes as if that was the 'cure' to everything I was going through. I dared to suggest that the 'help' I actually needed was on more of a practical level, and suggested a few things he could do that would have only taken 5 or 10 minutes of his time, but he was insistent that "No, that's NOT the help you need", and this became an issue of contention between us that dragged on for a few months before we fell out over it. For me, it wasn't so much that he wouldn't do these things, but it was his sheer insistence that HE knew better than me what I truly 'needed'. "Did he ever care what was going on with you ?". He certainly APPEARED to, but only when I was with him (i.e -when I wasn't there, I was forgotten about). However, occasionally the mask would slip, and he'd say or do something shockingly insensitive or inappropriate. I don't think there was an actual intention to hurt. Rather, I think was a complete inability to understand the affect of his words and actions.
I think that along with the spectrum of actual narcissism, it can present so differently from person to person based on a combination of inherent personality traits, learned habits & life experience, etc. - like the mask each narcissist creates will depend on what values/traits they idealize, and how much work they are willing to put into building/maintaining it... it sounds like this guy is willing to go to extreme lengths to make sure he has ALL bases covered - spiritually, physically, socially ... and what you’ve said about his wife makes my heart ache for her - Those subtle signs reek of total control & domination - I’m sure she’s seen the mask slip, and maybe after so long (20 years?!? Yikes!) it becomes about merely surviving - she’s likely gaslighting herself about her marriage on a daily basis. And unfortunately, this sounds like one of those cases where a separation/divorce would likely result in everyone taking the narcissists side & believing his (inevitably twisted) version of what occurred. I’m not sure if this man is still a part of your life or not... but it really doesn’t matter if you’re not related to or romantically involved - someone that pathological can do serious damage to your psyche even seeing them on a semi-regular basis... especially if he suspects that you doubt his “authenticity” - I totally understand wanting to know what causes such a disconnect from reality, but please be careful & observe from a distance if you can!
@@DaisyPumpkin23 it's just amazing that they always think they know what's best for you and what you're thinking and feeling too. When you get upset over this, theyll say something like " it's your choice to get angry." Demons.
I recently ran across one of your videoa and warched/listened to it. I was impressed so i listened to a few more. That alone has given me a far better and deeper understanding of this human condition....which in turn, has helped me to understand my ex and why she is the way she is. The relationship with her destroyed my self worth and ive dealt with years of pain/bitterness because of it. Listening to you is helping me to TRULY believe in myself again and what i am. It's also helping me to let go of pain/hate/resentment that has eaten me up. Being able to unserstand narcissism like i do now, it makes a lot of things make sense that never did before. It helps me feel better about me. It helps me to hate her less for things as i am at least able to understand where it actually came from. Listening to you is helping my soul to heal for once after two decades of destruction and drowning in confusuion/resentment. I fell head over heels in love with a BPD/narcissist (not sure which, but definitely one of them), had a child with her, stuck out 5 years of bliss/pure hell, on-off agony before giving up on it. Then i endured 12 years of being put through hell to be a dad to the daughter we shared. Now that daughter is grown and my ex can no longer hurt me with our child, drag me into court for more $$, etc. She was relentless and vicious, with no problem lying abput anything at any time to benefit herself or hurt me. Despite all that i still to this day wish i could be with her even though i cant and even though she had done an untold number of unforgiveable things. I knew that for me to want to be with her and cling to some stupidly tiny hope of being with her one day in a healthy way was because i have problems as well. I do know this, but youve helped me to actually understand her problem and that maybe im not the loser she would tell you i am. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your expertise and knowlege for free on this platform and helping me like you have. I look forward to listening to so much more from you. I will subscribe and like everything i can and recommend you to some others who i think would benefit like i have. Youre a gift and asset to humanity. You're golden. 😊😊
Great lecture, comprehensive and informed yet to the point. I grew up with a destructive narcissist and child molester, and needless to say, it ruined my life. My two cents on this: 1. Always look at a pathological narcissist as a psychopath out to kill you. Because they exactly are in a psychological (and sometimes even physical) sense. A narc will not feel safe until you are completely destroyed. 2. Do not expect any support or sympathy from bystanders. People without first-hand experience or training will just not “get it”. Narcs are cunning hypocrites who know ways of making themselves appear helpful, useful, sane. 4. Trust your gut. If you feel depleted, devalued and dizzy there is a reason for it, even if the emotional abuse went under your radar. 5. If you detect a narc, do not merely be vigilant - just withdraw! They will use any information and any involvement against you because the very base of their miserable existence is “I win.” which is never questioned - ever. A narc would literally rather die than acknowledge a defeat. Do not concern yourself with the narc’s and also not with onlookers’ ideas on you - they are not your business. Resist the understandable urge to punish, confront, expose or heal a narc. The only thing that frustrates a narc is absence of attention. It’s up to you.
This sums it all up perfectly! You just feel you want to - Book a big room and set up a TV screen. Invite all the narcissist's, 'friends', family, and (unaware) associates. Sit them down, then introduce this video explaining "This is what's really going on, this is the real XX, and this is why?" - then press 'play', and watch their reaction ... 😊... Well timed! On the anniversary weekend of when I first met my narc former partner 4 years ago!
They believe their well being is dependent on others. That's SO TRUE. It's sad... how it happened.. The abusive childhood, but it does not mean we are to subject ourself to their abuse.
@@thelittleshamanhealing thankful for you and others who are in UA-cam. I just got out of a 10 year relationship with my husband. I'm thankful for these videos. There helping me tremendously. It's the only explanation that makes sense. It was sheer madness.
@@Chris-0113 So true ... when I go back and read my journals from the beginning of my involvement with the narc, I find that I knew much more than I could admit.
@@goodbyenarcissist4862 Absolutely. In my situation, there were many warning signs or red flags that I either didn't see or just blatantly ignored. Looking back, it was easy to dismiss these warning signs because I was so swept up in the whirlwind of intensity and excitement. Never again.
One of the things I love about your work is that I can listen to the same vid and hear something new I didn’t hear before. You’ve helped so many off us, I’d just like to say thanks
I have always wanted to know why narcissists behave the way they do so I could properly understand what was going on. Having been completely away & out of this individual’s life for almost 3 yrs, I appreciate knowing that their behaviour had nothing to do with me, and importantly why it had nothing to do with me. I have no desire to ever engage again. To me it’s been enlightening to truly see them for what and who they are: maladapted developmentally arrested toxic abusive destructive manipulative individuals (serving themselves). They are driven and will take you down as a result. Understanding this helps you navigate accordingly going forward (with profound clarity & insight).
I love this compilation!💝 With all this information in one video it paints a great picture of what pathological narcissism looks like. Thank you so very very much.
I reject the excuse that "Hurt People. Hurt People." It is a platitude that should be rejected by all. It is an enabling excuse. There are millions who have lived through horrific abuse of all kinds but they do not become a narcissistic nightmare. Think about it.
I totally agree! TRULY hurt people would NEVER hurt others, as they know what it's like first hand. If anything, it makes them want to PROTECT that innocence in others more fiercely, especially in the children in their care. I am a narcissistically abused adult child who went on to become a helicopter nanny... only to now strive to find a BALANCE of healthy parenting with my own son. Abuse is NEVER acceptable, and hurt is NEVER an excuse!
This is such a narrow, dichotomous interpretation of that phrase. It doesn't mean "Hurt people MUST hurt people" it's just saying those who hurt people are also hurt people. Hurting someone does not negate or change the fact that a person has also been hurt. It's also a fundamental misunderstanding of why it's important to learn these things about them, it's not to justify or "excuse" them. Why would it? Being hurt doesn't make anyone innocent or immune to wrongdoing, so why would you assume acknowledging their pain is trying to pardon them in some way?
I agree somewhat, I've said the same thing to an extent. I say that hurt people don't hurt people...we've ALL been hurt. I say that WEAK people hurt people.
22:40 “The narcissist is like Humpty Dumpty put back together by Dr. Frankenstein.” Your analogies are my favorite thing about this channel! You have such a great way of explaining complex psychological processes simply. Thanks so much for all that you do!
I often revisit these deep dives. This one is the most informative set that I refer to others. So well put... Brava. I am a person who was raised by severely emotionally wounded people. Both sides of my family are from one culture who were traumatized in history; master and servant mentality. So, not only are they narcissists from one family group, it is a group narcissism that has had generations to gain momentum. I'm working on re-establishing my own identity. These people are extraordinarily sad and make everyone around them sick. It's tragic all the way around. Thank you, again, for doing this work. Shalom.
Yes I know someone who's Father was going to take out 5 family members the wife and 4 children ,with a thirty odd six ! They escaped this was 40 years ago!
4 yrs ago I realized I'd been in a 10 yr. relationship with a covert narcissist.i discovered your channel and with time and the tools you gave me I want to say that I've made it .It was a lot of work and a bunch of mistakes .but I'm now in a good place .im safe . im happy and I'm slowly healing .i just wanted to let people know that they will make it too .in the beginning I didn't know how or if I could .but I can. I did and so will those who are struggling.
wow crazy crazy crazy and trying to figure out crazy makes u crazy, no contact is the only way, its so true that we will become who we surround ourselves with.
ihr seid doch krank ihr könnt menschen doch nicht so gravierend ausser gefecht setztenund so gravierend zerlegen dann sagen sie seien schuld?!? Wie soll man denn damit umgehen bitte?!? das ist ungefähr 1000 mal schlimmer als anything I ever did in Munich! I barely talked to anybody
and if you want to pin me for Zahara.... then it'S quote on quote "lächerlich" I didn'T flirt with anybody in the stretch from 2010 till autumn 2012...... nobody......
and that person rejected me early in autumn and cut me out all through august... inclusive and left the countr y without saying a word leaving me behind after bplaying me.... nobody normal would think in that situation " OH I may be in a relationship Now with a person that didn'T talk to me in a year didn'T interact with me whatsoever, and just went away into another ocntinuent wihtout heads up leaving me behind......" I must be in a relationship and shall not "CHEAT" the fuck with you what is this ?!?!
Thank you so much! I have been listening to many on the subject of NPD and narcissistic traits trying to figure out what the heck happened to me over the last 4 years. You gave it a home run!! Out of the park even. I can’t stop listening to all your material on the subject. I owe so much to you! You are awesome! Keep up the good work. Now I hope I can learn how to heal from the horror of living with this monster and enduring his abuse in every single form possible. Thank you 🙏🏼
That’s exactly what they do. I was thinking a processing information problem and it interferes with their comprehension. That’s exactly what I witnessed. Right on!
Sleepy Willow That may very well be true of psychopathic narcissists. It may be a problem in the physical structures of the brain that doesn’t allow them to process emotional information as the rest of us do. They don’t “feel” deeply and therefore don’t develop morals or conscience based on empathy for the feelings of others.
Thank you, Miss Sindelle. Once again, your wisdom in one spot - a compilation that brings home the thought processes of the NPD individual. It also explains a lot of why I was so drawn to anyone on the narcissistic spectrum. That part of me that SEES woundedness in them acted like a magnet, which in turn smacked me right up close, almost attached me to them. I saw them as SO WOUNDED that I was drawn toward them, in order to “help” them heal. Too late smart, am I! If I’d have known about toxicity and narcissistic traits in people, I likely wouldn’t have devoted a large chunk of my one-and-only lifetime to these individuals. Chalk it up to being “trained” by the original toxic, my “father”, and his dysfunctional relationship with my mother. WOW! To KNOW I couldn’t have done anything to change how these individuals relate to their internal worlds gives me a sense of relief. I didn’t “fail” in my efforts to heal them, because they had no healthy way to relate to ANYONE!!! Blessings!❤️
I understood that I am almost healed by now when I don't need your or other videos to survive, support myself and my behaviour. Thanks Little Shaman! Your content is great and helped me a lot!
I practically live by your wisdom to get me through something so unbearable that whenever I feel I can’t find strength I click on your highly clickable wisdom Bless you right back
Hi Little Shaman. The dreams I have lately are when I walked my boy back and forth in the middle of the night. His Birthday was yesterday. He's adult and last time I dropped him off with his mom he gave me the tightest hug. I get alot of flashbacks. I have a support group and delved into the work. This is where Mindfulness comes in. Bob
My biggest mistake was telling a friend how to deal with her a-hole future ex, not knowing he was a covert narcissist. I was so wrong and had no idea she was bringing a knife to a gunfight. Ignoring works best to diffuse him now and we both better understand how to deal with these types.
Im married to one, been together for 20 years. So i know what its like to live this day in and day out. The last two years i thought id educate myself and there's been alot of progress within myself i know the dark narcissism abuse but i sometimes feel sad for my husband. I ended up with anxiety/panic disorder from this and other things in my life and I've really picked myself apart, learning so much about just who i am, what triggers my panic episodes and just soooo much more and its almost like now i can look at a situation in my life without seeing it through emotional or fear glasses but like if i stepped back and looked. I've went so deep that I've had my eye's opened and it feels great! Seeing through all the games, gaslighting and reasons he behaves the way he does and I'm no longer fearful and i have a strength now to call bs on things. He used to keep me drained but not anymore. He's learning that i wont put up with it. It is sad though that they never get to feel this freedom, able to be your authentic self. The feeling of excepting yourself flaws and all. Its such a more peaceful way to live.
I just found these videos and out of all the videos I have listened to, these making the most sense and truly hit home. I have a 15 year old daughter that I still have joint custody of but the narc has used parental alienation to destroy our relationship. I haven't heard "Mom" in 3 years. I have faith that she'll come back, none the less it's child abuse and the court system didn't help.
Thank you for this collection of videos. Understanding the narcissist is really important. If you are an empath it can be dangerous to feel sorry them. Although they were abused, narcissists have adopted the behavior of their abusers. Especially if they were raised by narcissistic parents, they were punished if they didn't adopt the same abusive behaviors. Often there is a scapegoat in the family, a child who speaks up against the unfairness of the abuses. This child will become the target in the family and may suffer the worst abuses. Usually this person is a very strong individual, a survivor who manages to see the truth and eventually gets away from the narcissists. It is so true that narcissists are afraid of revealing the truth of who they really are because deep down they are ashamed that they adopted their abuser's tactics. The false self is created to block this reality. That is why they carry deep deep feelings of shame. And if you know that about them, they will vehemently fight you to protect themselves from being revealed. They cannot be rescued from this truth because they cannot stop abusing. It is a self destructive pattern that they cannot stop. No one can help them. Getting away from narcissists is the healthy choice.
A very profound assessment of the man I live with...wow...He really is predictable now that you’ve shown me what he is...He is like so many other narcissists...I am an empath co dependent who enabled this beast...I am waking up slowly because of your videos...
Just because they had a bad childhood doesn't excuse their shitty behavior. My parents did messed up things to me and I don't go ruining people's lives. They're choosing to be that way!
You deserve respect and love that can be trusted. My mom too and I'm much older than you, stay true to your inner voice and instincts to love and protect yourself. God bless you. You are much more than your mothers son, you're a man God created for purpose and a good life💜💛💚💙
Gabe Radford as long as you feel empowered and not in a victim cycle. (Like me) I’ve been a people pleaser all I life. Very damaging in relationships. Take care. Stay strong and be free 😊🇬🇧
They Will Crush Your Dreams Siblings, Use Personal Power And Authority In A Assertive Manner To Address The Situation Even If They Don't Like It Keep Doing It Whenever They Test You And Eventually They Won't Wanna Come Near You Fact They Will Leave The Room Everytime Because They Know That They Can't Win. The narcissistic Only wins When You Let Them. Don't Let Them Deep Divers.
ihr spinnt doch jemandstruggled sozial in der gesellschaft und schafft kaum seine Aufgaben, und dann haut ihr mit Vorshclaghammer und bulldozer und Leopard panzer auf die druaf?!? Was isn das bitte ?!?!?
"The narcissist is like Humpty Dumpty put back together by Dr Frankenstein" I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh but fucking hell, THIS IS SO HILARIOUSLY ACCURATE. My chest 😂😂😂😂😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😭😂😭😂😭😂
I see certain narc traits in myself. I can remember being, well, less of a person. I mean no self insult. There simply wasn't that much to me. I have come very far. However I realized what else I need to work on while listening to this. When you said they may not know their strengths, what they want, what they like- that hit a clarion note. Thanks for more food for thought. 🤔😁 Time to relisten to your videos with a different focus. 💖😸💖
I'm beyond grateful that channels like this exist in UA-cam. They all helped me stand up on my feet after narc abuse and made me realise my truth. Truth always set u free!! Thank u🙏
I can’t even begin to you how helpful your content is to me! In the last 9 months of my healing after complete devastation after a narcissistic relationship, I’ve listened to a lot from all the top leaders in narcissistic personality disorder and yours is by far the most through. I so needed this. Thank you so much 😊 I would love some one on one coaching sessions if you’re available.
I'm happy you found it helpful, though I'm sorry you needed it. I do take appointments and there is a link to my website in the information section of every video here. I look forward to speaking with you!
Just got out of a three year friendship and 6 month relationship. Every point hits the nail on the head about my ex. Even though this is all devastating to hear because I still love them, it’s incredibly validating and empowering. Great channel and great insights! Thank you!
Lynn Manchul But that’s not exactly true... Hurt people don’t hurt people. Evil hurt people hurt people. I have been hurt and I am hurting and I wouldn’t ever be able to hurt people. Many people become even more empathetic due to being hurt and more protective of other people.. It actually breaks down that .. Narcissists are hurt, they are angry, they are jealous, they are envious, they are cold, they are selfish... The saying should be... Narcissists Hurt People!!!
This is wonderful to know! You have explained this exceptionally well for me.I find this information Scary,sad and invaluable, now all of these years I’ve had with them makes sense and I am able to navigate through the present messes also! So grateful for all you do ,Bless you little Shaman ❤️
Yay ! So glad you are back on UA-cam - I didn’t know until this week . Welcome back - I missed seeing your vids on my recommendations . ❤️ Here are my questions: *Can you plz discuss how some people become horrible narcissists from abusive narc parents - and others do NOT ? Example - both of my parents are extremely malignant narcs . Their behavior actually pushed me to do exactly the opposite of what they did . Yes I was codependent for my entire childhood as a coping mechanism - and I have worked thru the majority-all of that stuff in the last several decades . It’s taken a lot of time and layers to heal . 😅 *What do you think actually predicts how this abuse affects each person ? Example - some victims of child sexual assault become predators as well - yet others become repulsed and become “heroes” ( yes Co dependent and fixers ) but they do NOT become the pedophiles that their family was/is ? I feel that each soul Responds to harm a different way . Some join the harm and others are repulsed by it ! ❤️That huge difference in response fascinates me. My personal theory : I feel it’s the character of the heart & soul that creates the response and a real choice is made . I know people with much better parents who are horrible and people with much worse parents that are super heroes ! Can you discuss your opinion on this at some point ? Really interested . ❤️ Hugs to you and your great work ,Little Shaman ! 🥰 Ps - the less/zero contact I have with ANY type or degree of narc - the better my life gets ! Highly recommend zero contact = mega happiness & peace . 💙🙏
I love you and I dont know if I would have the understanding i do of the narc in our life if it weren't for you. She's good at what she does but understanding it takes her power away
Thank you Little Shaman, You have gave the answers that I have been searching for , I thought I was going crazy ! You gave me the closure I needed . xxx
Why do the narcs treat their children like they were treated. My mother in law tells stories of how her narc dad treated her so bad, and I see her treat her kids the same way she was treated. Is she aware she's doing that?
There are those that dont buy the BS as children and they speak up and then they are scapegoated but they will grow to know to do the opposite of what they went through!
I just left mine after 10 years!! I broke down and replied to one of his many texts. Even when he was hoovering me he was blaming me for the break up!! I told him he was a horrible husband and needs his head examined. He has been on a rampage all day!! trying to ruin my life!! Sabotaging everything I still have connections with him!! Sure makes me want to go back to no contact!!!! Wants me back but still continues to punish me!!
I’m married to someone who is all the things you said about a narcissist. I can’t believe I couldn’t see it sooner. Also saying I don’t let him be himself. Putting up with so much bullshit and I did my part in the marriage but it was never good enough... blaming me for everything and saying we are toxic for each other and that he can’t talk to me in a intelligent level.. He wouldn’t even let me talk, if I did he would cut me off to go back to him on what he was saying.. And yes the narcissist has a father who’s the same way and knows what I go through with his son and what his grandchildren go through but yet he’s making me out to be the bad one. talking bad about me with their side of their family and was trying to turn my family against me.. they didn’t get my family but his family are in their side.. The only one I know isn’t talking bad about me is his step mother. I was told she has only talk good about me. But I haven’t talk to anyone in his side of the family.. KARMA will get them all, the same people who told me not to marry the narcissist. I told him that they didn’t think we should get married and whatnot.. I didn’t fully listen because the narcissist said “they just don’t like me (meaning him) and just don’t want to see us happy..” We have three children together and each one he has said they are not his children. Yet he said he never went around to people saying they aren’t his children. My oldest told me, he’s been saying since she was little that her father is an Asian guy because she looked Asian when she was little. With our two boys he says he doesn’t remember that.. I told him I could have him arrested for he did to me.. but I was so scared I didn’t report him.. He’s always the victim even with his lawyers and they believe him because they are getting paid.. For me I have a crappy lawyer he doesn’t do his job right. He’s not getting paid by me but he’s getting paid. I had free lawyers before and they weren’t the best but way better then what I have right now. I can write a book on what I have gone through and I still going through..
All these comments and so much truth and enlightment...your comment really resonates with me. I dont know you but feel everything you have / are going through, mirrors exact in my life. Except the children part...but i can strongly identify with that as well. Thank you for sharing the tiny bit you did( a book you say???)...i know and have always known im not crazy and the wife is just not mentally stable and its getting worse. Family on her side just add to the fire,etc...now my painful journey begins with letting go and divorce and all the fun things associated with moving on to a happier self. Thank you again
R Wayne Whitaker you’re welcome hun! Yeah I know I’m not perfect but I just got tired of him always making me crazy and making me look crazy. Some of the females he cheated on me with told me how he would say terrible things about me. But when he would move on to the next female they called me and told me I was right about him and they realized what type of person he is. I said I told and I’m use to it. He said he stopped his cheating but he would talk to other females and he would act like I didn’t know. At one point I didn’t get care and we would say they just friends. I’m like okay if they want you they can keep you and I can have my peace.. I’m doing my best to make sure the next person that comes into my life isn’t like this man and I know the difference between a narcissist and someone who’s actually kind. I look forward to my divorce and I’m going to celebrate after. When you get your divorce let me know how it turned out.
@@e.g.2529 Wow! You have put up with some unforgivable #@$/!! Im having issues dealing with my upside down alien one and million mentally checked out of reality spouse and its not even close to your ordeal!! But now all these answer s and hints and real life diy's provided by L.S. have made a world of difference. Just the knowlegde of knowing theres a name to this, or no wonder that, or i get it now!! My wife isnt...i shouldnt say that cuz how the hell would i know( cheating). But she did take off from our home state and left to another state with the " family" and didnt bother to tell me till a week later. All the accusing and futuretripping that her insecurities of being abandoned...hypocritically narcissitic id say!! That is nothing compared to the last few weeks!! I feel divorce is the only way out so its going to be a process. Now is time to find me and let this separation be a reflect and be proactive for future!! Im definitely no saint or wouldnt dream of perfect...in any way. I can be better. The other side of the street( her) is just...unbelievable!! Im at the stage of feel sorry and bad for her. I know ive been a fuel to the fire but now i know atleast i wasnt intentional about it!! I will definitely keep you updated but it may be awhile before the axe actually falls!! In the meantime...whatever strength and courage you have, the world could learn alot from you!!! Thank you again.
The pain is intense and I'm sorry but it will be less and less hurtful with each passing day just keep going. It may not feel like it but the hurt will stop. Stay busy and rest when you need to. Please stay No Contact above all.
Narcissists build you up to tear you down and they feed off your difference in emotion. It's a scam. They are jealous of you and steal your identity and try to turn you into them. Bait and switch. How you feel now is how your narc feels. Stay no contact. You will heal and be stronger than ever but it takes time. Everything they accuse you of- they are doing to you. Flip the script and you will get the truth. Then they will have no power over you. Stop reacting to their scam. Don't give them your emotion. Go Flat Grey Rock. You will learn how awesome and powerful you really are or they would never have tried to steal your happiness in the first place. They are vampires that have to feed off other peoples emotions to feel powerful because they are empty voids of nothing. Keep watching videos and focus on yourself. 😊
My ex wife comes around and those once butterflies I had for her start throwing up... She literally nauseates me with her push pull toxic chaos. She uses the boys to keep this up. Once destroying me and now vicariously through them. One son no longer speaks to her. One is getting there and the oldest that she raised to see no harm in her is starting to see glimmers. Just when you think they cannot say anything meaner or do something more toxic, they surprise you.Not really surprised. It's just amazing how she can improve on the depths of her toxicity. She's striving for perfection...
I may be one of these people , I don't know how to fix it. Where would one start ? This is exactly how I developed; and thought I was the cause of all the bad stuff that was happening. I was the reason for upsetting the adults. Can I be fixed despite not having an identity and being the way I am? I knew early on in my existence that I was unwanted and a burden on those that had to look after me. That's probably why they were upset at me... no matter what I did to try and make them happy so they stop it didn't work and they continued being angry and the other things I guess it would be best if I didn't exist in the first place
I was a little sceptical of hearing information on NPD from someone titled with a mystical name, but Little Shaman has the best insight on pathological narcissm I've ever heard and I've heard extremely insightful information from great psychologists like Dr Ramni who also has a UA-cam Channel
"my" Narc had a Vietnam Vet as a Dad with an abusive tongue and pretty severe drinking problem. He sobered up I believe when he was around 10 yrs old. Don't even get me started on his momma but I didn't know her back then and be willing to bet the marriage ended due to these things as well. It's frustrating hearing there's nothing these people can do to stop hurting people to feel important. Isnt it said we can only grow through pain? Some of us have to go completely back to the drawing board when we decide to improve our lives. It sucks and it's hard and it can make you feel like it might be easier to just end it. But if you want it badly enough, where there's a will there's a way. Right? I guess that's the answer right there. You have to want it BAD
Your videos and Deep Dive are outstanding! So much help to understand these people.. thank you so much!! Could you please do a video Deep Dive on dealing with a Borderline personality disordered person? I have to deal with one for now, trying to get away and its so hard.. thank you so much again! I have learned so much from you! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💯💯💯💯💯💯💯❤️
Little Shaman Help me understand why the narcissist husband of mine with ALWAYS laugh when I’m confronting him about something despicable I’ve caught him doing. As soon as I get angry (supply). He laughs and smiles as if it’s all so flipping funny. Nothing makes me more provoked and I find myself looking for a weapon to strike him with. Never fails.
Little Shaman, your clarity is brilliant to understand this syndrome. I am so grateful that you state facts without emotions. I wonder if people raised by narcissistic parents adopt a narcissitic style but aren't entrenched pathalogically? What is the "method" you speak of please? Anyone? My eyes, ears, mind, soul are wide open receiving, assimilating, learning, liberating. I don't want to be a mirror, I don't want to need the mirror. I may have to make an appointment. This was recommended to me by Kate Flack.
Wow they would rather kill their spouse than to be exposed... I was once in a short relationship with a narcissist but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Now that im listening to this video i remember him saying “oh you must be crazy am i going to have to watch my back so you dont kill me one day?” Or “oh ya we cant have a gun in the house because you’ll definitely take me out” at first it came off as jokey. But now I realize he was projecting his own abilities and thoughts on to me.... wow. When i heard this in the video this memory hit me like a train. Im so so happy i left that relationship.
Notes: False self is a defense mechanism to use others to comfort and soothe themselves. Everything they do us to try to silence the inner-dialogue. They over-value to heal themselves of trauma. Small mistakes cause over-whelming feelings, lead to their destructive behaviors (mechanisms) due to shame, rejection, abandonment. Desperate to prevent that from happening. They will feel attacked and angry when you confront, because you validate their belief that they’re worthless. Create a pretend world, very angry, make others angry, helps boost (create) the self-esteem they don’t have otherwise.
I still have empathy. It should be treated as a crime to destroy very small children like this, whether out of ignorance or malice. They have destroyed a defenseless child, and deprived it of a fullfilling life. That dysfunction then has a hugely negative impact on society as a whole.
I would gather that I have “job aggression”. Because of what I went through during the recession, if I feel there’s a way I can hold onto a job, I’ll do it. If I feel someone threatens my job, they might have a problem. For the job I have now, despite its issues, including being paired up with someone who has some issues and sees a therapist (not a physical therapist) and who may be a narcissist and because I’ve been educated on the subject through my experience with my mother during the past few months, I am a bit hyper vigilant. I feel I have to be so because, not only is it my job that provides me independence from my narcissistic mother and flying monkey sister, but I’ve also been made painfully aware of how narcissism is perceived by those who haven’t experienced it. To them, the only reason why it isn’t a non-issue - is because you haven’t crawled back to your narcissistic mother for forgiveness for what it is she’s both done and still trying to do. In fact, the only reason why I haven’t handled the situation at work in a more obvious way, is because I’m muzzled by my boss’ lack of understanding of the situation and because he’s an enabler. I also know that, once you’ve mentioned to anyone that you’ve had issues with a narcissist, you can have but one narcissist. In other words, despite the fact that I didn’t create the narcissist that is my mother and simply wasn’t previously educated on the topic and despite the fact that other people have had issues with this person at work, if I were to, at minimum, say that he must be seeing a therapist for more than “anxiety” (as they claim) as, there is obvious aggression against me, if suddenly be the problem. In fact, circuitously, my boss has said to ignore the problem. Although I’ve learned that you cannot control someone else’s behavior, I take issue with this. When someone tells you to ignore the problem, what they’re implying is that you tolerate it. That you are to sit motionless and emotionless, while this person, who is t even above you, rages at you whenever you’re in a meeting, often followed up by ultra faux politeness. The onus is on me to maintain protocol for a new problem “I” now have, in large part, because it’s far easier for people to take the easiest path and tell a victim or target that the issue is solved - as long as you live in Hell silently. That the only way there’s actually an issue - is if you either say something or react. N’ah. But, merely because I need my paycheck, I have taken my boss’ advice in ignoring it - by ignoring this person entirely. While I don’t feel it will have a permanent effect, it’s quite clear that they are WELL AWARE that I’m freezing them out. They’ve asked if there’s something wrong with me and I will gaslight them, telling them no and looming perplexed as to WTF they’re talking about. If they feel they’re the only one who can tap into that space between legality and morality, where only I seem aware that there’s a problem, nope! And despite the fact that I feel it is a strategy that may only work temporarily as, the only escape I have would likely be to a worse job (so, I ain’t leavin’!), I intend to freeze them out PERMANENTLY. Why? Even before I learned about narcissism, I never did well with hot/cold people. But, I also want this guy to understand that never mind what was before. We are no longer familiar. I work with you but, I don’t wish to chit chat, see family pictures or any warm and fuzzy shit.
When I say that this guy is aware that I’m freezing him out, I don’t mean that he has simply asked what is wrong. I mean that he has been quieter. At one point, he figured he would break the ice by popping over with some cute pictures, when he felt it was more comfortable to do so when I was talking to so someone else. But, as that person has had an issue with them, as well, the response from both of us was lukewarm. It isn’t in question that, while this person has been disrespectful to a few people, including the boss once, they’d like to rid the office of my 30+ years of experience, in exchange for their few months of experience because they feel they’re sooo much better. But, their feeling is that the best way to do so is to attempt to bully me and embarrass me in meetings. My boss had begun excluding him from these meetings, but I still feel that it’s temporary because although the boss knows this guy’s therapist is for psychological issues, he doesn’t take it seriously. But, I’m aware that the issue with freezing this guy out and having him excluded from meetings doesn’t just seem awkward to this guy naturally. If he’s narcissistic, the issue is loss of control. He’s become aware that, when he’s acted out at meetings, that it is only me who seems to notice it - because I’m the target. He’s become aware that, even if my demeanor changes - my boss a would ask me what’s wrong, instead. Having him excluded and having me freeze him out on a personal level has nothing to do with him “actually” being a nice person, who doesn’t mean any harm. It has to do with the fact that he feels loss of control and that I guess I’m supposed to recoil and quit in fear. Instead, it’s possible that he feels that subtle, yet very present, change in the dynamic, where the reply to his behavior is, “Look, I’m a pretty polite and professional person that, sure, I like to have a few chuckles during the work day and I seem to get along well with people you’ve even admitted to being afraid of. But, I’m aware of your nastiness towards me, my day doesn’t hinge upon it and I can have a long term plan against you, as well. Be reminded that most people don’t really care for you here. They can smell your lollipop artifice when you suddenly turn it on and, even though they may not know what it is, it probably doesn’t sit well with them. I, your major target, you idiot fool, is actually going to be your worst problem. I have no problem making you worry. Yeah, that’s right. The hot/cold BS you’ve been serving up is smacking into an “innocent looking” glacier and I intend to keep it that way. Good luck trying to get me off kilter.”
I can now see why No Contact is so vital, narcissists are far beyond insanity.
They are so far gone. The irony is that because they wear masks, the disorder is well hidden to most. It's the victim who looks crazy.
@@lauraf.e2788
Correct, and often it's the victim that
ends up looking more like a narcissist
than the actual narcissist.
Simply insane ppl are not evil.
Yeah
Narcissists are worse.
@@waywaybeyond "Not sure how a non-narcissist can start looking like a narcissist. If you want to, I’d like to know your take on how that happens and what that looks like"
HERE'S MY TAKE ON ANSWERING THAT
If you're trying to contend with a narcissist for the first time in your life you do not have the knowledge and understanding of what these people are really like.
This lack of wisdom can be a huge disadvantage because the narc can use you as their proxy for their frightening long term vendettas/games/routines/ against other people.
In other words, you become one of the "flying monkees" who is gullible enough to believe what the narc tells them.
Very often the narc will skilfully and shrewdly convince you that other people are the villains, creeps, paranoids ... whatever.
You will actually believe that these other people ( who are actually victims of the narc ) are the bad guys that the narc has had to put up with.
The reality is that they finally wised up to the narc and are practically helpless in their efforts to warn people about the narc.
The narc sees these people who have turned against the narc as extreme threats.
The narc will do anything in his or her power to smear campaign, often going to incredible lengths to prove that these other people have sold their souls, that they are people users, have agendas or plot gain unfair advantage over other people.
These other people know exactly what the narc is up to so the narc has to do everything in their power to make sure that no one listens to them.
Little do you know that those erstwhile friends of the narc were once just like you and were taken in by the narc the same way you are taken in. At one time they felt flattered, entertained, included in the most intimate confidences - never realizing until it is too late that you are being set up by the narc.
Narc can seem like incredible listeners. Initially it will seem like fresh air to encounter someone who really understands you, supports you, recognizes your intelligence and has an uncanny way of telling you things you have always wanted to believe about yourself.
But it's just a matter of time until the narc turns their vile venom on you. The reason it is too late is that the narc has already smeared other people against you, they will not listen to your version of events, they only have a partial view of the narc because the narc has been extremely careful to only show certain friendlier sides of themselves to other people. Narcs can be quite convincing is making it seem that they are empaths and you are not.
You may find out years later that you were being smeared and quite a few events and encounters with all kinds of people will suddenly make sense. You will have the closure of finally understanding why someone treated you the way they did even though you had just met them.
The narc builds a toxic system that draws people in gradually but inescapably. They get fish hooks into people and can be quite controlling of how and when one person is permitted to be friends with this or that person. The narc had built up an arsenal of psychological weapons that are already positioned to take aim at you when the narc finally gives the command to the other flying monkeys - "fire when ready."
The narc is extremely skilled at getting other people to wrong you for things that actually never happened. You will be endlessly frustrated, infuriated with how the monkeys believe what the narc says about you and often won't even tell you what the narc has been saying. The narc took them into their confidence and built a viciously toxic narrative story that unfortunately just enough chumpy gullible people actually believe.
Even when you finally understand what has been done to you the narc can just gloat over how powerfully and completely their impressive wickedness have caused you incredible distress and drained you of years of life force.
If you were once truly happy, healthy and carefree and had been blessed with really nice friends, jobs, partner, place to live ... whatever, by the time
the narc has pulled off exacting their beautiful wickedness on you your own life will be in partial or complete shambles. It's all the better if many or most people in your life have been so alienated and/or confused by you that you have lost many sources of love and support and are left feeling isolated, anxious, have tremendous difficulty trusting other people.
One of the few ways you may even know how to cope with life after this happens if start to adopt various routines and methods on other people.
The narc will simple gloat with joy when this happens because they can point to how you have become a creep/jerk/user .... whatever because it will appear to everyone that the narc was right all along and there was something wrong with you.
You will be so isolated in your misery that it will seem like the narcissist is the only person in the world who actually loves you and all you have in your life is the narc.
The narc completely has you under their control. You will literally feel like the unfortunate writer in the movie "Misery" where Kathy Bates is your biggest fan and the only one who is steadfast and loyal and want to own you completely, even to the point where the Kathy Bates/narc figure can dictate will occur next in the novel that is your life.
Congratulations, you have become a helpless human being completely at the mercy of a vile and frightful person.
This is exactly when the narc will often appear to "see the light" and be nice to everyone else around. Everyone else will buy what the narc is selling. Namely, that the narc has finally realized what a jerk and awful person they have been but now they sincerely want to change.
Unfortunately you are the only one to see what is going on but no one is believing you. You must be a terrible person because everyone deserves a second chance and believes in redemption. The first step in redemption is acknowledging their past sins. You will be judged as the hard hearted person who don't give people a second chance.
If only you could open your heart and give the narc that chance the narc could truly redeam his life and join the human race. Why don't you give them a second ( or third or fourth ) chance.
You are the one ( and only one ) who is standing in the way of the narc's ability to achieve growth.
Seeing people fall for this is source of almost limitless fun and joy to the narc. Sometimes the narc actually starts to believe his own lying narratives and that you are the creep who caused all his problems in the past. You will feel social pressure to get closer to the narc, in fact that is the only way you can get past your problems.
I hope this clears a few things up for you. As always I look forward to your comments, questions and suggestions. Please keep those coming.
May the great spirit bless you and have a wonderful day.
( Sorry, TLS, I couldn't resist adding those lines at the end - your podcasts and continually enlightening deep dives into the almost endlessly mentally and spiritually debilitating experience of contending with a particularly pernicious narc brought forth the need to add that homage to your great podcast channel. )
@@stevenli3034 that's what's happened to me. It's crazy and I am trapped, they've fooled everyone.
Little Shaman! Good news! I finally did it. After years of verbal and psychological abuse, I ask for divorce and told the whole family it was happening so there would be no going back. I offered her money if she moved out in 60 days. She took it right away and moved out sooner. She lined up all her flying monkeys to try to get back at me and went through a campaign of pitty to make me feel bad. I then went no contact and have not paid much attention to all her assistants of hatred. I finally feel free and am on the way back to loving myself and am started to have happy thoughts again. You have helped me SO much with your pod casts and I thank you!!!!
Congratulations!
Bless you...freedom. Now the healing work can begin.
Free at last. Congrats
I love the @assistants of hatred
As someone who just broke away from a narc after 6 years, I can relate to everything that is being said. But I have to say, HOW INCREDIBLY SAD it is to be them! To live an entire lifetime as a lost soul in so much pain and torment because their parents were horrible to them. Someone, someday, somehow has to come up with a way to deprogram them like they do with people who have been in cults. My heart aches for my ex! Especially since I have to "abandon" him in order to survive myself.
Yea there's NO CURE for narcissists. You can't take a pill or therapy to gain understanding and fix it. They been this way their whole life to survive. They won't change that. It threatens their existence. They're paranoid thinking everyone is out to trick them.
If ANYONE claims to be cured of narcissisim via meds, or God cured them, they're a SCAMMER and con artist.
THIS
After a year of research, I've knew people that was so spoiled and so abused, but still never turned out be narcissistic.
This really puts grey-rock into perspective. It's not AT ALL like holding a mirror up to a mirror, rather it is holding up a void to a mirror. And it's so amazingly effective.
I saw a complete disassociation of their behaviors from who they believe themselves to be. They believe their behaviors have no bearing affect on their character. Example: They do bad things, but still believe they are good people. They want others to believe this too. They don’t believe their behaviors define who they are. Somehow there is a complete disconnect. They don’t make the connection between how they behave and how it defines who they are.
Indeed. They also don't see the connections between their actions and how it effects those around them.
It seems to be the opposite in many ways. They can't see that behavior is not who you are. This is why they can't admit mistakes or wrongdoing. In their minds, this makes you a terrible person. This is also why calling out behavior is taken as an attack on them as a person. They don't see a separation in these things which is why they go to such great lengths to make one. Does that make sense?
They can justify any behavior. This is so out of reality.
@@thelittleshamanhealing so, part of the black/white thinking? Victim did something the narc deems to be "bad", therefore victim is painted black (and is seen as all bad).
Hit the nail on the head. My ex did/said the most vile things to me and his other exes, yet can still come out and proclaim to you he is a good person and you are the one he must learn a lesson from. And he really seems to believe this. The most unfortunate things for victims is the narcissists ability to keep the charm on for all others except intimate partners which makes the victim so confused. It's hard to be validated when you are the only one victimized from this "good person."
None of their actions are organic. They are all about getting an emotional reaction, positive or negative, out of others. They are the living dead, in my opinion.
Yes living dead. No end game. No past. No future. Me Me Me. Now. Now . Now. Regardless of the damage they cause. Get out. Stay out. NO CONTACT.
Yes. No end game. Just an endless loop.
Zombies!
All caused by parents who neglected them at really early ages...
@@annalisa14 but then they go on to repeat the process with their own kids
Keep an eye out for parents who neglect or overly spoil their tiny children - these are the beginnings of creating the narcissistic personality....
yep but its hard to do, who r we to tell a parent how to raise there child unless they r closely involved with us we can only give them informative advise but its up to them to practice it. u can see physical abuse or neglect but u cant see verbal abuse. we see it in the supermarket or at the mall when a kid is throwing a temper tantrum because they r not getting what they want yet a parent breaks down and give it too them just for the peace and quite, then they wonder why at 13 they refuse to except no for an answer, we also see it where parents will reward a child's bad behavior only encouraging more bad behavior, yet all the money in the world cant by u happiness or free u from a crime or trouble u have found your way into. a child that is spoiled grows to believe he or she is entitled never learning responsibility empathy or compassion for others, its all about me me me.
SOOOOO incredibly sad for the children 😢
@@Healinglove I'm glad you mentioned this because I often think of the children, especially in regard to my family members, which makes it easier to have compassion.
It's still best to have no contact though, if possible, as their behaviour is extremely harmful, no matter what the reason is for it. 🙁
@@cyndigooch1162 @Cyndi, I pray that I could have contact with my Moonpie, she was like my very own daughter, my ex narcs granddaughter, we raised her, she'll be 6 years old this October 12th, it will be the very first time she will NOT be with her NaNa on her birthday; them, the coming holiday's. 😭💔
This makes me si sad, because I know you're right. Breaks my heart.
Hi there. I've been binge watching so many of your videos over the last few days, and I have to say that I find your channel amazing, and provides the insights & answers to questions that I've wanted for a long time. Most UA-cam channels about narcissism are from people who are survivors of narcissistic abuse (& I completely sympathise with these people - it must have been torture, and left wounds that take years of self work to heal) and so are more focused on manipulative & controlling actions. I have not had a narcissistic parent or partner in my life, but have had two narcissists in my life, one (my brother) who I have had to cut all contact with, and the second (a friend) whose narcissistic traits ended up causing me a lot of emotional & practical damage.
In both cases, I have been completely bewildered by the fact that they seem to live in some kind of 'alternate reality, where their relationship to other people & the external world just doesn't seem 'human' (regardless of whether they are 'good' or bad' people). It's like they're from another planet entirely.
Your profound insights into the narcissist's sense of self, identity, relationship of the self to the external world & other people , & perceptual differences has finally given me the answers I have been seeking.
One question remaining for me (which perhaps could be the subject of an entire video) is about narcissists & mood. You talk a lot about narcissists 'self hatred'. However, with the two narcissists I know, both mood and the noticeable degree of self hatred are extremely different.
With my brother, he is very high on the narcissism spectrum, though probably just short of an NPD diagnosis, possibly because it's complicated by other mental problems (in his teenage years he was diagnosed as bi-polar). He has always had long bouts of depression, screwed up several marriages & periodically gets sacked from well paid jobs. In later years, he has turned to alcoholism & extreme overeating (which will probably kill him in a few years). Myself and my family know that deep down he has always realised he's not fully 'human' and hates himself for it.
With the other narcissist I know (my ex 'friend') he's definitely a NPD, and in fact so high on the spectrum he' could win the Narcissist Olympics. Yet, if you met him, you would think he had the 'Secret Of Happiness'. I don't know if you know the English actor Brian Blessed ? This guy's persona could best be described as 'Brian Blessed On Cocaine'. Nobody has ever spotted a crack in this persona, and he displays NO traits of self hatred whatsoever.
In his case, I think he's just been clever enough to create the IDEAL life for a narcissist. He' was involved in the 'performing arts' (which always guaranteed him an adoring audience). He has been 'happily married' for 20 years with an adoring wife, who he doesn't even HAVE to manipulate (she just bows down to his every whim without question). He has never had to live in the 'Real World' and hold down a job. His wife works 14 hour shifts in a very highly paid profession, while he lazes around the house all day being a 'poet / philosopher'. He occasionally gets a gig at a local poetry club (which earns him next to nothing) yet because of his wife's income, he can live in a big house, eat well, and they can have foreign holidays together.
He also is (at least on the surface) a very 'spiritual' person. He is a combination of pagan / shaman / buddhist, and at least intellectually he really knows his stuff (& also does occasional performances as a 'Green Man' at pagan events). While his wife is out at work, he has a rigorous discipline of a few hours a day chanting, drumming & meditation. Sometimes I have wondered if his 'spiritual practices' are a way of 'managing his narcissist' symptoms.
Yet, for all these 'spiritual practices', it finally dawned on me that he was a 'hollow person'', utterly selfish & with ZERO compassion or empathy towards others (in some ways he's like Aleister Crowley - capable of profound self-centred spiritual insights, but with no capacity for genuine connection to anybody else).
I was his sister's partner for 16 years, and when she died three years ago, all he could do was over hogwash abstract bogus 'philosophical' mumbo jumbo (instead of extending a genuine sense of compassion) and gave a really bizarre speech at her funeral which was all about him showing off and telling a story about HIM (that told us nothing about his sister). Also, within days of her dying he was making really inappropriate jokes & comments about her, as if he couldn't understand how hurtful that was to other people who DID care about her.
I mentioned about how these 'spiritual practices' might be an attempt to (somewhat successfully) 'manage his symptoms', but I think it might go a lot deeper. I remember on one occasion him lecturing me about what 'self' meant. It consisted of some really intellectual abstract Buddhist notion of how 'self is an illusion' (& I'm not unfamiliar with Buddhism myself, having actually lived at a Buddhist monastery). What struck me at that point was that his 'Buddhism' probably wasn't 'genuine' . He'd just been clever enough to find a 'spiritual path' that completely JUSTIFIED the 'false self' that a narcissist has.
@John Hooper - Thank you for your kind & thoughtful replies. I actually DID ask him for help, but he completely screwed things up. Whilst some people I've told this story to assume he had 'malicious intent', I actually don't think that's the case. Instead, I think that that being a narcissist, he may have 'intended' to help, but his lack of understanding of the human condition made him make a complete screw up of the 'help' he gave me (It's a very complicated story that I don't want to go into here). This taught me that narcissists, even with the 'best intentions', albeit partly motivated with the desire to obtain gratitude & admiration, just DON'T understand the basic human condition to even be CAPABLE of helping.
@John Hooper - As for "when he is not in the spotlight" that only happens rarely. If he's in a room full of people, 90% of the 'conversation' will be coming from HIM. He talks incessantly, and it is all about HIM (stories from his life that he believes must be fantastically interesting to other people).
On the rare occasions anybody else can get a word in, it depends on the person. With his wife, he can fantastically rude to her. She DOES speak slowly & quietly, and 'ums' & 'ahs' a lot (but does have interesting things to say) and you can see him either not listening (head turned away) or an expression of irritation on his face. He'll quickly interject with "Don't be silly", "No, no, no, that's not what happened", "Get to the point" etc.
With other people, he won't be as overtly rude, but just leaps into the conversation at the first opportunity to drag it off into something that isn't really what's being discussed. For instance, with some people, we were discussing somebody we knew who we were deeply concerned might be taking dangerous drugs, and he just leapt in (on hearing the word 'drugs') with "I took LSD in the 1980s" and then proceeded to regale us all with tales of various acid trips he'd had.
You ask "Did I ever ask him for help ?". That's a long & complex story, and was the cause of our falling out. He DID offer me 'help' and hospitality after I went through a dreadful trauma, and even put me up at his house for a week. However, the 'help' he insisted on giving me was HIS idea of 'help' (which may even have been well-intentioned) which involved picking away at my traumatised emotions, telling me which ones were 'right' and which ones were 'wrong', and coming out with hollow New Age platitudes as if that was the 'cure' to everything I was going through.
I dared to suggest that the 'help' I actually needed was on more of a practical level, and suggested a few things he could do that would have only taken 5 or 10 minutes of his time, but he was insistent that "No, that's NOT the help you need", and this became an issue of contention between us that dragged on for a few months before we fell out over it. For me, it wasn't so much that he wouldn't do these things, but it was his sheer insistence that HE knew better than me what I truly 'needed'.
"Did he ever care what was going on with you ?". He certainly APPEARED to, but only when I was with him (i.e -when I wasn't there, I was forgotten about). However, occasionally the mask would slip, and he'd say or do something shockingly insensitive or inappropriate. I don't think there was an actual intention to hurt. Rather, I think was a complete inability to understand the affect of his words and actions.
I think that along with the spectrum of actual narcissism, it can present so differently from person to person based on a combination of inherent personality traits, learned habits & life experience, etc. - like the mask each narcissist creates will depend on what values/traits they idealize, and how much work they are willing to put into building/maintaining it... it sounds like this guy is willing to go to extreme lengths to make sure he has ALL bases covered - spiritually, physically, socially ... and what you’ve said about his wife makes my heart ache for her - Those subtle signs reek of total control & domination - I’m sure she’s seen the mask slip, and maybe after so long (20 years?!? Yikes!) it becomes about merely surviving - she’s likely gaslighting herself about her marriage on a daily basis. And unfortunately, this sounds like one of those cases where a separation/divorce would likely result in everyone taking the narcissists side & believing his (inevitably twisted) version of what occurred.
I’m not sure if this man is still a part of your life or not... but it really doesn’t matter if you’re not related to or romantically involved - someone that pathological can do serious damage to your psyche even seeing them on a semi-regular basis... especially if he suspects that you doubt his “authenticity” - I totally understand wanting to know what causes such a disconnect from reality, but please be careful & observe from a distance if you can!
@@DaisyPumpkin23 it's just amazing that they always think they know what's best for you and what you're thinking and feeling too. When you get upset over this, theyll say something like " it's your choice to get angry." Demons.
I recently ran across one of your videoa and warched/listened to it. I was impressed so i listened to a few more. That alone has given me a far better and deeper understanding of this human condition....which in turn, has helped me to understand my ex and why she is the way she is. The relationship with her destroyed my self worth and ive dealt with years of pain/bitterness because of it. Listening to you is helping me to TRULY believe in myself again and what i am. It's also helping me to let go of pain/hate/resentment that has eaten me up. Being able to unserstand narcissism like i do now, it makes a lot of things make sense that never did before. It helps me feel better about me. It helps me to hate her less for things as i am at least able to understand where it actually came from. Listening to you is helping my soul to heal for once after two decades of destruction and drowning in confusuion/resentment. I fell head over heels in love with a BPD/narcissist (not sure which, but definitely one of them), had a child with her, stuck out 5 years of bliss/pure hell, on-off agony before giving up on it. Then i endured 12 years of being put through hell to be a dad to the daughter we shared. Now that daughter is grown and my ex can no longer hurt me with our child, drag me into court for more $$, etc. She was relentless and vicious, with no problem lying abput anything at any time to benefit herself or hurt me. Despite all that i still to this day wish i could be with her even though i cant and even though she had done an untold number of unforgiveable things. I knew that for me to want to be with her and cling to some stupidly tiny hope of being with her one day in a healthy way was because i have problems as well. I do know this, but youve helped me to actually understand her problem and that maybe im not the loser she would tell you i am. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your expertise and knowlege for free on this platform and helping me like you have. I look forward to listening to so much more from you. I will subscribe and like everything i can and recommend you to some others who i think would benefit like i have. Youre a gift and asset to humanity. You're golden. 😊😊
They’re beyond help ... so ignore them and move on 👍🏻
The best channel on NPD..bar none..
Great lecture, comprehensive and informed yet to the point.
I grew up with a destructive narcissist and child molester, and needless to say, it ruined my life. My two cents on this: 1. Always look at a pathological narcissist as a psychopath out to kill you. Because they exactly are in a psychological (and sometimes even physical) sense. A narc will not feel safe until you are completely destroyed. 2. Do not expect any support or sympathy from bystanders. People without first-hand experience or training will just not “get it”. Narcs are cunning hypocrites who know ways of making themselves appear helpful, useful, sane. 4. Trust your gut. If you feel depleted, devalued and dizzy there is a reason for it, even if the emotional abuse went under your radar. 5. If you detect a narc, do not merely be vigilant - just withdraw! They will use any information and any involvement against you because the very base of their miserable existence is “I win.” which is never questioned - ever. A narc would literally rather die than acknowledge a defeat. Do not concern yourself with the narc’s and also not with onlookers’ ideas on you - they are not your business. Resist the understandable urge to punish, confront, expose or heal a narc. The only thing that frustrates a narc is absence of attention. It’s up to you.
This sums it all up perfectly! You just feel you want to - Book a big room and set up a TV screen. Invite all the narcissist's, 'friends', family, and (unaware) associates. Sit them down, then introduce this video explaining "This is what's really going on, this is the real XX, and this is why?" - then press 'play', and watch their reaction ... 😊... Well timed! On the anniversary weekend of when I first met my narc former partner 4 years ago!
They believe their well being is dependent on others. That's SO TRUE. It's sad... how it happened.. The abusive childhood, but it does not mean we are to subject ourself to their abuse.
Exactly.
@@thelittleshamanhealing thankful for you and others who are in UA-cam. I just got out of a 10 year relationship with my husband. I'm thankful for these videos. There helping me tremendously. It's the only explanation that makes sense. It was sheer madness.
In the beginning of the relationship, I swear I could perceive another self. I can't even explain it -- it was just a sense of something not real.
An entity
Puppets
I think most victims feel that in the beginning. That voice is our intuition and we need to learn to trust it.
@@Chris-0113 So true ... when I go back and read my journals from the beginning of my involvement with the narc, I find that I knew much more than I could admit.
@@goodbyenarcissist4862 Absolutely. In my situation, there were many warning signs or red flags that I either didn't see or just blatantly ignored. Looking back, it was easy to dismiss these warning signs because I was so swept up in the whirlwind of intensity and excitement. Never again.
God bless you, Little Shaman 🙌💕🍀🙏
One of the things I love about your work is that I can listen to the same vid and hear something new I didn’t hear before. You’ve helped so many off us, I’d just like to say thanks
So very sad makes me cry.😭
I have always wanted to know why narcissists behave the way they do so I could properly understand what was going on.
Having been completely away & out of this individual’s life for almost 3 yrs, I appreciate knowing that their behaviour had nothing to do with me, and importantly why it had nothing to do with me.
I have no desire to ever engage again.
To me it’s been enlightening to truly see them for what and who they are: maladapted developmentally arrested toxic abusive destructive manipulative individuals (serving themselves).
They are driven and will take you down as a result. Understanding this helps you navigate accordingly going forward (with profound clarity & insight).
Well said!🏆👏🏽
Lack of identity...basic problem...
I love this compilation!💝 With all this information in one video it paints a great picture of what pathological narcissism looks like. Thank you so very very much.
I reject the excuse that "Hurt People. Hurt People." It is a platitude that should be rejected by all. It is an enabling excuse. There are millions who have lived through horrific abuse of all kinds but they do not become a narcissistic nightmare. Think about it.
It’s not an excuse; it’s a factual statement. Not all damaged people hurt others but pretty much all people who hurt others are damaged people.
I totally agree! TRULY hurt people would NEVER hurt others, as they know what it's like first hand. If anything, it makes them want to PROTECT that innocence in others more fiercely, especially in the children in their care.
I am a narcissistically abused adult child who went on to become a helicopter nanny... only to now strive to find a BALANCE of healthy parenting with my own son. Abuse is NEVER acceptable, and hurt is NEVER an excuse!
O😮😢😮ok😮to o😢and il❤io 😢oĺoo0
This is such a narrow, dichotomous interpretation of that phrase. It doesn't mean "Hurt people MUST hurt people" it's just saying those who hurt people are also hurt people. Hurting someone does not negate or change the fact that a person has also been hurt.
It's also a fundamental misunderstanding of why it's important to learn these things about them, it's not to justify or "excuse" them. Why would it? Being hurt doesn't make anyone innocent or immune to wrongdoing, so why would you assume acknowledging their pain is trying to pardon them in some way?
I agree somewhat, I've said the same thing to an extent. I say that hurt people don't hurt people...we've ALL been hurt. I say that WEAK people hurt people.
22:40
“The narcissist is like Humpty Dumpty put back together by Dr. Frankenstein.”
Your analogies are my favorite thing about this channel! You have such a great way of explaining complex psychological processes simply. Thanks so much for all that you do!
👌🏾
I often revisit these deep dives. This one is the most informative set that I refer to others. So well put... Brava. I am a person who was raised by severely emotionally wounded people. Both sides of my family are from one culture who were traumatized in history; master and servant mentality. So, not only are they narcissists from one family group, it is a group narcissism that has had generations to gain momentum. I'm working on re-establishing my own identity. These people are extraordinarily sad and make everyone around them sick. It's tragic all the way around. Thank you, again, for doing this work. Shalom.
I guess talking to a narcissist is like talking to a wall
Killing people who threaten to expose them. 🙁 This is crazy. Everybody needs to know about this
ich habe niemandem geschadet, und ihr plättet einene Menschen wegen nix !? seid ihr !"§$%&!
Yes I know someone who's Father was going to take out 5 family members the wife and 4 children ,with a thirty odd six ! They escaped this was 40 years ago!
4 yrs ago I realized I'd been in a 10 yr. relationship with a covert narcissist.i discovered your channel and with time and the tools you gave me I want to say that I've made it .It was a lot of work and a bunch of mistakes .but I'm now in a good place .im safe . im happy and I'm slowly healing .i just wanted to let people know that they will make it too .in the beginning I didn't know how or if I could .but I can. I did and so will those who are struggling.
wow crazy crazy crazy and trying to figure out crazy makes u crazy, no contact is the only way, its so true that we will become who we surround ourselves with.
ihr seid doch krank ihr könnt menschen doch nicht so gravierend ausser gefecht setztenund so gravierend zerlegen dann sagen sie seien schuld?!? Wie soll man denn damit umgehen bitte?!?
das ist ungefähr 1000 mal schlimmer als anything I ever did in Munich! I barely talked to anybody
and if you want to pin me for Zahara.... then it'S quote on quote "lächerlich"
I didn'T flirt with anybody in the stretch from 2010 till autumn 2012......
nobody......
and that person rejected me early in autumn and cut me out all through august... inclusive and left the countr y without saying a word leaving me behind after bplaying me.... nobody normal would think in that situation " OH I may be in a relationship Now with a person that didn'T talk to me in a year didn'T interact with me whatsoever, and just went away into another ocntinuent wihtout heads up leaving me behind......" I must be in a relationship and shall not "CHEAT" the fuck with you what is this ?!?!
Thank you so much! I have been listening to many on the subject of NPD and narcissistic traits trying to figure out what the heck happened to me over the last 4 years. You gave it a home run!! Out of the park even. I can’t stop listening to all your material on the subject. I owe so much to you! You are awesome! Keep up the good work. Now I hope I can learn how to heal from the horror of living with this monster and enduring his abuse in every single form possible. Thank you 🙏🏼
They r so insecure but yet they tell you that you r insecure
What a healing balm , thank you 🙏🏿
That’s exactly what they do. I was thinking a processing information problem and it interferes with their comprehension. That’s exactly what I witnessed. Right on!
Sleepy Willow That may very well be true of psychopathic narcissists. It may be a problem in the physical structures of the brain that doesn’t allow them to process emotional information as the rest of us do. They don’t “feel” deeply and therefore don’t develop morals or conscience based on empathy for the feelings of others.
Thank you, Miss Sindelle. Once again, your wisdom in one spot - a compilation that brings home the thought processes of the NPD individual.
It also explains a lot of why I was so drawn to anyone on the narcissistic spectrum. That part of me that SEES woundedness in them acted like a magnet, which in turn smacked me right up close, almost attached me to them.
I saw them as SO WOUNDED that I was drawn toward them, in order to “help” them heal.
Too late smart, am I! If I’d have known about toxicity and narcissistic traits in people, I likely wouldn’t have devoted a large chunk of my one-and-only lifetime to these individuals.
Chalk it up to being “trained” by the original toxic, my “father”, and his dysfunctional relationship with my mother.
WOW! To KNOW I couldn’t have done anything to change how these individuals relate to their internal worlds gives me a sense of relief. I didn’t “fail” in my efforts to heal them, because they had no healthy way to relate to ANYONE!!!
Blessings!❤️
I understood that I am almost healed by now when I don't need your or other videos to survive, support myself and my behaviour. Thanks Little Shaman! Your content is great and helped me a lot!
This made so much sense in regards to the extreme anger over tiny slights.
I practically live by your wisdom to get me through something so unbearable that whenever I feel I can’t find strength
I click on your highly clickable wisdom
Bless you right back
Hi Little Shaman. The dreams I have lately are when I walked my boy back and forth in the middle of the night. His Birthday was yesterday. He's adult and last time I dropped him off with his mom he gave me the tightest hug. I get alot of flashbacks. I have a support group and delved into the work. This is where Mindfulness comes in. Bob
My biggest mistake was telling a friend how to deal with her a-hole future ex, not knowing he was a covert narcissist. I was so wrong and had no idea she was bringing a knife to a gunfight. Ignoring works best to diffuse him now and we both better understand how to deal with these types.
Im married to one, been together for 20 years. So i know what its like to live this day in and day out. The last two years i thought id educate myself and there's been alot of progress within myself i know the dark narcissism abuse but i sometimes feel sad for my husband. I ended up with anxiety/panic disorder from this and other things in my life and I've really picked myself apart, learning so much about just who i am, what triggers my panic episodes and just soooo much more and its almost like now i can look at a situation in my life without seeing it through emotional or fear glasses but like if i stepped back and looked. I've went so deep that I've had my eye's opened and it feels great! Seeing through all the games, gaslighting and reasons he behaves the way he does and I'm no longer fearful and i have a strength now to call bs on things. He used to keep me drained but not anymore. He's learning that i wont put up with it. It is sad though that they never get to feel this freedom, able to be your authentic self. The feeling of excepting yourself flaws and all. Its such a more peaceful way to live.
I just found these videos and out of all the videos I have listened to, these making the most sense and truly hit home. I have a 15 year old daughter that I still have joint custody of but the narc has used parental alienation to destroy our relationship. I haven't heard "Mom" in 3 years. I have faith that she'll come back, none the less it's child abuse and the court system didn't help.
Little Shaman,
I had two NPD in a row. Your explanations are so on the spot. Right to the point. Keep up with good work.
Thank you for this collection of videos. Understanding the narcissist is really important. If you are an empath it can be dangerous to feel sorry them. Although they were abused, narcissists have adopted the behavior of their abusers. Especially if they were raised by narcissistic parents, they were punished if they didn't adopt the same abusive behaviors. Often there is a scapegoat in the family, a child who speaks up against the unfairness of the abuses. This child will become the target in the family and may suffer the worst abuses. Usually this person is a very strong individual, a survivor who manages to see the truth and eventually gets away from the narcissists. It is so true that narcissists are afraid of revealing the truth of who they really are because deep down they are ashamed that they adopted their abuser's tactics. The false self is created to block this reality. That is why they carry deep deep feelings of shame. And if you know that about them, they will vehemently fight you to protect themselves from being revealed.
They cannot be rescued from this truth because they cannot stop abusing. It is a self destructive pattern that they cannot stop. No one can help them. Getting away from narcissists is the healthy choice.
Mirror/Self
NO CONTACT.
Love you Shaman
A very profound assessment of the man I live with...wow...He really is predictable now that you’ve shown me what he is...He is like so many other narcissists...I am an empath co dependent who enabled this beast...I am waking up slowly because of your videos...
Just because they had a bad childhood doesn't excuse their shitty behavior. My parents did messed up things to me and I don't go ruining people's lives. They're choosing to be that way!
Absolutely.
Wow! I am just learning that I am a narcissist, and this is so helpful.
This is divine knowledge. Thank you🙏🏽
my mums a narcicist and im 19 living with my football coach
Keep strong and stay grounded. 💖💖
You deserve respect and love that can be trusted. My mom too and I'm much older than you, stay true to your inner voice and instincts to love and protect yourself. God bless you. You are much more than your mothers son, you're a man God created for purpose and a good life💜💛💚💙
@@baileymarie2656 your an honest man god blees you and may the angels be with you
@@baileymarie2656 this is so lovely you fantastic mate thanks so much its a holy feeling 💕💕💕💕👌
Gabe Radford as long as you feel empowered and not in a victim cycle. (Like me) I’ve been a people pleaser all I life. Very damaging in relationships. Take care. Stay strong and be free 😊🇬🇧
They Will Crush Your Dreams Siblings, Use Personal Power And Authority In A Assertive Manner To Address The Situation Even If They Don't Like It Keep Doing It Whenever They Test You And Eventually They Won't Wanna Come Near You Fact They Will Leave The Room Everytime Because They Know That They Can't Win. The narcissistic Only wins When You Let Them. Don't Let Them Deep Divers.
Great video. Could you do one on the ageing narcissistic parent/widower please and the pressure on adult children?
I would like to hear something on this subject also.
Me too!
Yeah me too 😃
me too
You are the best :)
ihr spinnt doch jemandstruggled sozial in der gesellschaft und schafft kaum seine Aufgaben, und dann haut ihr mit Vorshclaghammer und bulldozer und Leopard panzer auf die druaf?!? Was isn das bitte ?!?!?
@@fredericmoresmau4303 was??
This is a virtual cornucopia encyclopedia of some deep stuff! You are genius!!
"The narcissist is like Humpty Dumpty put back together by Dr Frankenstein"
I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh but fucking hell, THIS IS SO HILARIOUSLY ACCURATE. My chest 😂😂😂😂😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😭😂😭😂😭😂
Thank you. Sis.
wow, that was excellent, you are such a great teacher and speak so well, thank you for giving us this video. All so true too.
I see certain narc traits in myself. I can remember being, well, less of a person. I mean no self insult. There simply wasn't that much to me. I have come very far. However I realized what else I need to work on while listening to this. When you said they may not know their strengths, what they want, what they like- that hit a clarion note. Thanks for more food for thought. 🤔😁 Time to relisten to your videos with a different focus. 💖😸💖
I'm beyond grateful that channels like this exist in UA-cam. They all helped me stand up on my feet after narc abuse and made me realise my truth. Truth always set u free!! Thank u🙏
I can’t even begin to you how helpful your content is to me! In the last 9 months of my healing after complete devastation after a narcissistic relationship, I’ve listened to a lot from all the top leaders in narcissistic personality disorder and yours is by far the most through. I so needed this. Thank you so much 😊 I would love some one on one coaching sessions if you’re available.
I'm happy you found it helpful, though I'm sorry you needed it. I do take appointments and there is a link to my website in the information section of every video here. I look forward to speaking with you!
Just got out of a three year friendship and 6 month relationship. Every point hits the nail on the head about my ex. Even though this is all devastating to hear because I still love them, it’s incredibly validating and empowering. Great channel and great insights! Thank you!
Love it,.....Hurt people hurt people
Lynn Manchul
But that’s not exactly true... Hurt people don’t hurt people. Evil hurt people hurt people. I have been hurt and I am hurting and I wouldn’t ever be able to hurt people. Many people become even more empathetic due to being hurt and more protective of other people.. It actually breaks down that .. Narcissists are hurt, they are angry, they are jealous, they are envious, they are cold, they are selfish... The saying should be...
Narcissists Hurt People!!!
Mama Hanna yes. Their damage is so deep they project onto others and it’s a BATTLE!! They’re really fighting themselves. My mother is a narc.
I just realized how much they don't care if you're not feeling good. Or if your busy or whatever.
This is wonderful to know! You have explained this exceptionally well for me.I find this information Scary,sad and invaluable, now all of these years I’ve had with them makes sense and I am able to navigate through the present messes also! So grateful for all you do ,Bless you little Shaman ❤️
Yay ! So glad you are back on UA-cam - I didn’t know until this week . Welcome back - I missed seeing your vids on my recommendations . ❤️
Here are my questions:
*Can you plz discuss how some people become horrible narcissists from abusive narc parents - and others do NOT ?
Example - both of my parents are extremely malignant narcs . Their behavior actually pushed me to do exactly the opposite of what they did .
Yes I was codependent for my entire childhood as a coping mechanism - and I have worked thru the majority-all of that stuff in the last several decades . It’s taken a lot of time and layers to heal . 😅
*What do you think actually predicts how this abuse affects each person ?
Example - some victims of child sexual assault become predators as well - yet others become repulsed and become “heroes” ( yes Co dependent and fixers ) but they do NOT become the pedophiles that their family was/is ?
I feel that each soul
Responds to harm a different way . Some join the harm and others are repulsed by it !
❤️That huge difference in response fascinates me.
My personal theory :
I feel it’s the character of the heart & soul that creates the response and a real choice is made .
I know people with much better parents who are horrible and people with much worse parents that are super heroes !
Can you discuss your opinion on this at some point ?
Really interested . ❤️
Hugs to you and your great work ,Little Shaman ! 🥰
Ps - the less/zero contact I have with ANY type or degree of narc - the better my life gets ! Highly recommend zero contact = mega happiness & peace . 💙🙏
I'm intrigued to know the answers to your questions also.
I love you and I dont know if I would have the understanding i do of the narc in our life if it weren't for you. She's good at what she does but understanding it takes her power away
Manipulation of the emotions of other people...
I love, love, love the way you describe the narcissist!!!
I'm eternally grateful for this video.
Thank you Little Shaman, You have gave the answers that I have been searching for , I thought I was going crazy ! You gave me the closure I needed .
xxx
So glad to see you back, LS!
Blessings!
I love your condensed quick packed full of info videos. So e of the best out there and were my firts intro videos to narcs. Thank you.
Why do the narcs treat their children like they were treated. My mother in law tells stories of how her narc dad treated her so bad, and I see her treat her kids the same way she was treated. Is she aware she's doing that?
It's hard to say. People parent the way they were parented, usually.
There are those that dont buy the BS as children and they speak up and then they are scapegoated but they will grow to know to do the opposite of what they went through!
it makes them feel good. like a drug.
I just left mine after 10 years!! I broke down and replied to one of his many texts. Even when he was hoovering me he was blaming me for the break up!! I told him he was a horrible husband and needs his head examined. He has been on a rampage all day!! trying to ruin my life!! Sabotaging everything I still have connections with him!! Sure makes me want to go back to no contact!!!! Wants me back but still continues to punish me!!
That's how crazy these individuals are!
Man!! This is it! The answer I've been looking for my whole life!
Mind blowing information! Thank you so much..
I’m married to someone who is all the things you said about a narcissist. I can’t believe I couldn’t see it sooner.
Also saying I don’t let him be himself. Putting up with so much bullshit and I did my part in the marriage but it was never good enough... blaming me for everything and saying we are toxic for each other and that he can’t talk to me in a intelligent level.. He wouldn’t even let me talk, if I did he would cut me off to go back to him on what he was saying..
And yes the narcissist has a father who’s the same way and knows what I go through with his son and what his grandchildren go through but yet he’s making me out to be the bad one. talking bad about me with their side of their family and was trying to turn my family against me.. they didn’t get my family but his family are in their side.. The only one I know isn’t talking bad about me is his step mother. I was told she has only talk good about me. But I haven’t talk to anyone in his side of the family.. KARMA will get them all, the same people who told me not to marry the narcissist. I told him that they didn’t think we should get married and whatnot.. I didn’t fully listen because the narcissist said “they just don’t like me (meaning him) and just don’t want to see us happy..” We have three children together and each one he has said they are not his children. Yet he said he never went around to people saying they aren’t his children. My oldest told me, he’s been saying since she was little that her father is an Asian guy because she looked Asian when she was little. With our two boys he says he doesn’t remember that.. I told him I could have him arrested for he did to me.. but I was so scared I didn’t report him.. He’s always the victim even with his lawyers and they believe him because they are getting paid.. For me I have a crappy lawyer he doesn’t do his job right. He’s not getting paid by me but he’s getting paid. I had free lawyers before and they weren’t the best but way better then what I have right now. I can write a book on what I have gone through and I still going through..
All these comments and so much truth and enlightment...your comment really resonates with me. I dont know you but feel everything you have / are going through, mirrors exact in my life. Except the children part...but i can strongly identify with that as well. Thank you for sharing the tiny bit you did( a book you say???)...i know and have always known im not crazy and the wife is just not mentally stable and its getting worse. Family on her side just add to the fire,etc...now my painful journey begins with letting go and divorce and all the fun things associated with moving on to a happier self. Thank you again
R Wayne Whitaker you’re welcome hun! Yeah I know I’m not perfect but I just got tired of him always making me crazy and making me look crazy. Some of the females he cheated on me with told me how he would say terrible things about me. But when he would move on to the next female they called me and told me I was right about him and they realized what type of person he is. I said I told and I’m use to it.
He said he stopped his cheating but he would talk to other females and he would act like I didn’t know. At one point I didn’t get care and we would say they just friends. I’m like okay if they want you they can keep you and I can have my peace..
I’m doing my best to make sure the next person that comes into my life isn’t like this man and I know the difference between a narcissist and someone who’s actually kind. I look forward to my divorce and I’m going to celebrate after.
When you get your divorce let me know how it turned out.
@@e.g.2529 Wow! You have put up with some unforgivable #@$/!! Im having issues dealing with my upside down alien one and million mentally checked out of reality spouse and its not even close to your ordeal!! But now all these answer s and hints and real life diy's provided by L.S. have made a world of difference. Just the knowlegde of knowing theres a name to this, or no wonder that, or i get it now!! My wife isnt...i shouldnt say that cuz how the hell would i know( cheating). But she did take off from our home state and left to another state with the " family" and didnt bother to tell me till a week later. All the accusing and futuretripping that her insecurities of being abandoned...hypocritically narcissitic id say!! That is nothing compared to the last few weeks!! I feel divorce is the only way out so its going to be a process. Now is time to find me and let this separation be a reflect and be proactive for future!!
Im definitely no saint or wouldnt dream of perfect...in any way. I can be better. The other side of the street( her) is just...unbelievable!! Im at the stage of feel sorry and bad for her. I know ive been a fuel to the fire but now i know atleast i wasnt intentional about it!!
I will definitely keep you updated but it may be awhile before the axe actually falls!! In the meantime...whatever strength and courage you have, the world could learn alot from you!!! Thank you again.
Thank you I’m struggling to understand...and hurting.
The pain is intense and I'm sorry but it will be less and less hurtful with each passing day just keep going. It may not feel like it but the hurt will stop. Stay busy and rest when you need to. Please stay No Contact above all.
You took the Narc way too seriously. Always laugh at a Narc.
Narcissists build you up to tear you down and they feed off your difference in emotion. It's a scam. They are jealous of you and steal your identity and try to turn you into them. Bait and switch. How you feel now is how your narc feels. Stay no contact. You will heal and be stronger than ever but it takes time. Everything they accuse you of- they are doing to you. Flip the script and you will get the truth. Then they will have no power over you. Stop reacting to their scam. Don't give them your emotion. Go Flat Grey Rock. You will learn how awesome and powerful you really are or they would never have tried to steal your happiness in the first place. They are vampires that have to feed off other peoples emotions to feel powerful because they are empty voids of nothing. Keep watching videos and focus on yourself. 😊
@@djwendy Well said!
My ex wife comes around and those once butterflies I had for her start throwing up... She literally nauseates me with her push pull toxic chaos. She uses the boys to keep this up. Once destroying me and now vicariously through them. One son no longer speaks to her. One is getting there and the oldest that she raised to see no harm in her is starting to see glimmers. Just when you think they cannot say anything meaner or do something more toxic, they surprise you.Not really surprised. It's just amazing how she can improve on the depths of her toxicity. She's striving for perfection...
WOW!!!! How did you learn all of this stuff? This is amazing. I’ve heard and read plenty of stuff about NPD but nothing so succinct.
I may be one of these people , I don't know how to fix it. Where would one start ? This is exactly how I developed; and thought I was the cause of all the bad stuff that was happening. I was the reason for upsetting the adults.
Can I be fixed despite not having an identity and being the way I am? I knew early on in my existence that I was unwanted and a burden on those that had to look after me. That's probably why they were upset at me... no matter what I did to try and make them happy so they stop it didn't work and they continued being angry and the other things
I guess it would be best if I didn't exist in the first place
Look into BPD and DBT as treatment. If you have the awareness to evaluate your thoughts and behaviors, it's not NPD 🖤
You are amazing, I've loved lots of other speaches, but wow!! this one is theee best!!!
I was a little sceptical of hearing information on NPD from someone titled with a mystical name, but Little Shaman has the best insight on pathological narcissm I've ever heard and I've heard extremely insightful information from great psychologists like Dr Ramni who also has a UA-cam Channel
Hurt people, hurt people..Very true..
"my" Narc had a Vietnam Vet as a Dad with an abusive tongue and pretty severe drinking problem. He sobered up I believe when he was around 10 yrs old. Don't even get me started on his momma but I didn't know her back then and be willing to bet the marriage ended due to these things as well. It's frustrating hearing there's nothing these people can do to stop hurting people to feel important. Isnt it said we can only grow through pain? Some of us have to go completely back to the drawing board when we decide to improve our lives. It sucks and it's hard and it can make you feel like it might be easier to just end it. But if you want it badly enough, where there's a will there's a way. Right? I guess that's the answer right there. You have to want it BAD
Thanks for putting these videos out! You must be real busy now with a new baby and I'm sure it's not easy.
You're very welcome, but I don't have a new baby. LOL. My youngest child is a teenager.
@@thelittleshamanhealing Well then! It's time you had another one.
Your videos and Deep Dive are outstanding! So much help to understand these people.. thank you so much!! Could you please do a video Deep Dive on dealing with a Borderline personality disordered person? I have to deal with one for now, trying to get away and its so hard.. thank you so much again! I have learned so much from you! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💯💯💯💯💯💯💯❤️
Again, great job!!!🏵
Wow! This is soooo spot on! Damn,,, this video is soooo awesome... & I'm only like 10 mins into it!
Little Shaman Help me understand why the narcissist husband of mine with ALWAYS laugh when I’m confronting him about something despicable I’ve caught him doing. As soon as I get angry (supply). He laughs and smiles as if it’s all so flipping funny. Nothing makes me more provoked and I find myself looking for a weapon to strike him with. Never fails.
This is absolutely awesome and spot on!!! 🔥👍💯
So perfectly said
I'd love to hear more on bpd from you Little Shaman. In particular the npd/bpd comorbidity. Thank you for all you do!
Little Shaman, your clarity is brilliant to understand this syndrome. I am so grateful that you state facts without emotions. I wonder if people raised by narcissistic parents adopt a narcissitic style but aren't entrenched pathalogically? What is the "method" you speak of please? Anyone? My eyes, ears, mind, soul are wide open receiving, assimilating, learning, liberating. I don't want to be a mirror, I don't want to need the mirror. I may have to make an appointment. This was recommended to me by Kate Flack.
Wow they would rather kill their spouse than to be exposed... I was once in a short relationship with a narcissist but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Now that im listening to this video i remember him saying “oh you must be crazy am i going to have to watch my back so you dont kill me one day?” Or “oh ya we cant have a gun in the house because you’ll definitely take me out” at first it came off as jokey. But now I realize he was projecting his own abilities and thoughts on to me.... wow. When i heard this in the video this memory hit me like a train. Im so so happy i left that relationship.
Notes:
False self is a defense mechanism to use others to comfort and soothe themselves. Everything they do us to try to silence the inner-dialogue. They over-value to heal themselves of trauma.
Small mistakes cause over-whelming feelings, lead to their destructive behaviors (mechanisms) due to shame, rejection, abandonment.
Desperate to prevent that from happening. They will feel attacked and angry when you confront, because you validate their belief that they’re worthless.
Create a pretend world, very angry, make others angry, helps boost (create) the self-esteem they don’t have otherwise.
Over indulgence and spoiling are abuse 👏🏼
I still have empathy. It should be treated as a crime to destroy very small children like this, whether out of ignorance or malice. They have destroyed a defenseless child, and deprived it of a fullfilling life. That dysfunction then has a hugely negative impact on society as a whole.
Your awesome thank you for your uploads.
I would gather that I have “job aggression”.
Because of what I went through during the recession, if I feel there’s a way I can hold onto a job, I’ll do it. If I feel someone threatens my job, they might have a problem.
For the job I have now, despite its issues, including being paired up with someone who has some issues and sees a therapist (not a physical therapist) and who may be a narcissist and because I’ve been educated on the subject through my experience with my mother during the past few months, I am a bit hyper vigilant. I feel I have to be so because, not only is it my job that provides me independence from my narcissistic mother and flying monkey sister, but I’ve also been made painfully aware of how narcissism is perceived by those who haven’t experienced it. To them, the only reason why it isn’t a non-issue - is because you haven’t crawled back to your narcissistic mother for forgiveness for what it is she’s both done and still trying to do.
In fact, the only reason why I haven’t handled the situation at work in a more obvious way, is because I’m muzzled by my boss’ lack of understanding of the situation and because he’s an enabler. I also know that, once you’ve mentioned to anyone that you’ve had issues with a narcissist, you can have but one narcissist. In other words, despite the fact that I didn’t create the narcissist that is my mother and simply wasn’t previously educated on the topic and despite the fact that other people have had issues with this person at work, if I were to, at minimum, say that he must be seeing a therapist for more than “anxiety” (as they claim) as, there is obvious aggression against me, if suddenly be the problem.
In fact, circuitously, my boss has said to ignore the problem. Although I’ve learned that you cannot control someone else’s behavior, I take issue with this. When someone tells you to ignore the problem, what they’re implying is that you tolerate it. That you are to sit motionless and emotionless, while this person, who is t even above you, rages at you whenever you’re in a meeting, often followed up by ultra faux politeness. The onus is on me to maintain protocol for a new problem “I” now have, in large part, because it’s far easier for people to take the easiest path and tell a victim or target that the issue is solved - as long as you live in Hell silently. That the only way there’s actually an issue - is if you either say something or react. N’ah.
But, merely because I need my paycheck, I have taken my boss’ advice in ignoring it - by ignoring this person entirely. While I don’t feel it will have a permanent effect, it’s quite clear that they are WELL AWARE that I’m freezing them out. They’ve asked if there’s something wrong with me and I will gaslight them, telling them no and looming perplexed as to WTF they’re talking about. If they feel they’re the only one who can tap into that space between legality and morality, where only I seem aware that there’s a problem, nope! And despite the fact that I feel it is a strategy that may only work temporarily as, the only escape I have would likely be to a worse job (so, I ain’t leavin’!), I intend to freeze them out PERMANENTLY. Why? Even before I learned about narcissism, I never did well with hot/cold people. But, I also want this guy to understand that never mind what was before. We are no longer familiar. I work with you but, I don’t wish to chit chat, see family pictures or any warm and fuzzy shit.
When I say that this guy is aware that I’m freezing him out, I don’t mean that he has simply asked what is wrong. I mean that he has been quieter. At one point, he figured he would break the ice by popping over with some cute pictures, when he felt it was more comfortable to do so when I was talking to so someone else. But, as that person has had an issue with them, as well, the response from both of us was lukewarm.
It isn’t in question that, while this person has been disrespectful to a few people, including the boss once, they’d like to rid the office of my 30+ years of experience, in exchange for their few months of experience because they feel they’re sooo much better.
But, their feeling is that the best way to do so is to attempt to bully me and embarrass me in meetings. My boss had begun excluding him from these meetings, but I still feel that it’s temporary because although the boss knows this guy’s therapist is for psychological issues, he doesn’t take it seriously.
But, I’m aware that the issue with freezing this guy out and having him excluded from meetings doesn’t just seem awkward to this guy naturally. If he’s narcissistic, the issue is loss of control. He’s become aware that, when he’s acted out at meetings, that it is only me who seems to notice it - because I’m the target. He’s become aware that, even if my demeanor changes - my boss a would ask me what’s wrong, instead. Having him excluded and having me freeze him out on a personal level has nothing to do with him “actually” being a nice person, who doesn’t mean any harm. It has to do with the fact that he feels loss of control and that I guess I’m supposed to recoil and quit in fear. Instead, it’s possible that he feels that subtle, yet very present, change in the dynamic, where the reply to his behavior is, “Look, I’m a pretty polite and professional person that, sure, I like to have a few chuckles during the work day and I seem to get along well with people you’ve even admitted to being afraid of. But, I’m aware of your nastiness towards me, my day doesn’t hinge upon it and I can have a long term plan against you, as well. Be reminded that most people don’t really care for you here. They can smell your lollipop artifice when you suddenly turn it on and, even though they may not know what it is, it probably doesn’t sit well with them. I, your major target, you idiot fool, is actually going to be your worst problem. I have no problem making you worry. Yeah, that’s right. The hot/cold BS you’ve been serving up is smacking into an “innocent looking” glacier and I intend to keep it that way. Good luck trying to get me off kilter.”