Pt. 1. The Impossible Connection: Loving Someone w/ Borderline Personality Disorder. See Warning
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- Опубліковано 8 тра 2014
- WARNING: this video was not meant to be a resource for those who have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD), which is a very unfortunate psychological disorder. The video was created as a resource to victims of abuse, past and present, from people diagnosed with BPD. I do not believe that people with BPD are all the same, and are equally abusive. I do know that they hurt the people that they love. Some of them hurt these people very badly.
This video is NOT a resource for people suffering with BPD. In fact, it will surely aggravate their condition. Although I believe I know a great deal about the disorder, I am neither a specialist nor an expert in the treatment of it. My skill set is with people who I refer to as “Self-Love Deficients” (codependents) who have Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency).
Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are misinformed about who I am. I neither represent people with BPD, nor do I ever try to. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are SLDs (codependents) and trauma survivors. My work is about empowerment, healing and escaping abusive relationships. This is evident in my Human Magnet Syndrome book and my other video and training materials.
My intention is not to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals who are harmful and abusive to them. My work represents people who want to heal psychological wounds and who take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive individuals who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. If that fits with people diagnosed with BPD, or for that matter, NPD or ASPD, then I offer no apologies.
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 22 million UA-cam video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 140K copies and are in 10 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
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As a person who ended up with BPD as a result of an extremely abusive narcissist mother, I urge you to remember our hurtful actions stem from our own pain. I'm in therapy now and I can't believe how quickly I'm transforming. We are people too, we have feelings, we love deeply, and we can change. Thanks.
+playandrepeat my mom was a real piece of work
playandrepeat
Thank you very much for that. You are very brave.
oh this is the comment i've been looking for and i've been looking very hard. thank you so much for this hope that you *can change!
Yes indeed
Both my parents were abusive and alcoholic, thus I became borderline. Yes, we do have feelings...maybe too many...and we are very emotionally sensitive, too judgemental and over-reactive. I used to think I would die alone, but since I began taking medication, I too am becoming more self-aware and changing.
Also, I'm what's called a "quiet" borderline. I don't yell or scream at people. I'm very very nonconfrontational. I feel shame about my emotions and don't display them because I don't want to be vulnerable. I self loathe as a result and take it out on myself.
Brian, thank you for sharing this here. I appreciate your candor
Same. I hold it all in and trash myself
This is how my ex was
Damn, the truth hurts! BPD male here who agrees with you completely. I've been in social isolation working from home for 2 years now. I CANNOT, & WILL NOT put any more innocent people through the emotional roller coaster of emotions I experience. It's incredibly unfair and immoral in my subjective opinion. There are some of us who are working very hard to get better, but what you've shared is true. My sincere apologies for our irrational, childish, and primitive behavior.
Thank you for this. Take care, stay safe.
Master your stoicism Sir
I’m here with ya
Wow....thats awesome to hear.....hope all goes well....GOD bless you
I feel this. Currently in college and have so many people who want to be constantly hanging out with me/partying, but I can’t help but cancel a good 1/2 of the time. My wrath when my emotions are out of control is absolutely disgusting and terrible and I try my best to avoid situations where I know I’m in the mood to cause harm to someone emotionally. I’ve lost friends because they think I don’t care enough to hang out with them, but I really don’t want to hurt them. It’s so hard trying to get people to understand this illness, but I’m glad I’m not alone.
A_Stoic_Master Well, you guys are so screwed up thinking it's the Horrible Childhood Abuse that turns them into ghastly little sadists
as adults. I have one child (out of three) who was born that way. I
had four children. I treated them all the same. Same house, same
siblings, same good habits instilled, same delicious three meals
every day, same amount of toys at Christmas, took them to church
every Sunday, all three girls were dressed beautifully. (The problematic child was one of the sisters.) This girl went stiff and would begin to
scream and, later, pout her way through life. Today, she still screams
and throws ghastly public tantrums. She has been married four times, with plenty of men on the side. She's a pretty blonde with an athletic
figure and she is very smart. But she doesn't have even one good friend.
No one can stand to be with her too long, because they know that the
shouting and screaming is liable to pop out at any point. This has been
my experience. And by the way, her bio dad was a malignant narcissist, and loved to wreak terror in our home. Do not try to tell this mother that
she caused this train wreck. She was born the way she is.
I’m not sorry................👀
Being codependent is a tragedy as well. Loving and seeking to be hurt, being addicted to it, and confusing love with pain can't be more tragic.
AH! Me.
Well Fuck my life
Me as well. I endured 14 years of pure hell from my ex BPD.
I think it is easily as painful as having BPD. A match made in hell.
We are NOTHING to them. Just a toy they play with when they feel like it. If we died in front of them they'd complain about the noises we make. We have to stand up for ourselves, using our sense of dignity
Why do BPD's avoid psychoterapy?
Maybe because no one thinks it's an illness. family friends and loved ones say we are sensitive, dramatic, crazy, strange, hard to live with.
Maybe because psychologists speak about us as a "half person".
Maybe because they say it's impossible to heal.
Usually because they don't realise they have a disorder. Their families, remembering this disorder stems from an invalidating childhood environmental event, do not recognize their own dysfunction and often think they are doing a fine job of parenting. The half person thing - rings very accurate for me. BPD is very difficult to articulate, and I suspect you would get different responses from each person in a row of borderlines lined up. I was an abstraction and struggled to locate myself as a physical entity in the world separate to the general nebulous mass that was my family. The half person is the inability of the borderline mind to undergo the 'normal' stages of emotional development or at least undergo them at the same rate as most teens. BPD symptoms, studies show, abate over time and there are very successful therapies that can and do lead people to a place where they no longer meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD. I think it's a very tricky one and have certainly been treated very badly by health care 'professionals'. DBT, developed by Marsha Lineham, for the treatment of BPD specifically works really well (in my experience and Studies show).
i have NEVER avoided therapy, my husband has but i have not
Exactly. My therapist, however, was very understanding and said very little of what this guy is saying.
Mick And Agi I don't. I want help so bad it hurts I just don't know where to start
It's because it's expensive n they're usually broke due to BPD coz of shopping addiction or depression or lack of support
My ex had this. He devalued me and broke up with me and didn’t give me any answers or closure and I was left spiraling. This video described everything, literally quoting things he’s said and done- moving too fast, blaming me, having “Black and white thinking” and I’m really grateful because this is giving me the closure to know what was wrong so I can move on. Thank you!!
People with BPD and NPD do not offer closure after they destroy the relationship. You do have to create your own closure to heal. Once they go through splitting on you for trying to hold them accountable for the way they've treated you, or for not being able to satisfy their black hole of needs, which is impossible, you are their enemy. They do not have any concern for your experience at that point. They also seem to find a sense of power in denying you whatever it is you want. This makes sense because they and their emotions are so out of control. They need to do this to feel in control of something. It quells their pain for a minute. They get an ounce of relief while you get a metric ton of pain.
@@ooodit This is so true, well described John!
Same here. Such black and white thinking. so hard to live with that mindset .
@@ooodit yup!!! Nothing was ever good enough. He would hate me one day and blame other people not liking him on me for some reason. He just said Goodbye out of the blue one day recently . It made no sense.
That’s usually what they do I did that to my ex then dated a sociopathic narcissist who was a closet gay. Boy do I wish I was with my ex of 5 years. Lol! That experience actually made me realize that I want to stay single and me and my ex are just friends. We are happy this way
So if I choose to pursue a relationship with someone who has borderline, I'm a codependent person? I'm suffering and empty? I'm half a person?
... Not true, actually... I am a fully independent person and do not need my partner (who happens to have borderline) to feel good about myself. I do not experience what this man is describing. I am with my partner because of who they are, and my relationship with them is healthy.
I'm sure a codependent relationship could occur between certain people, but please don't take this man's words as overall fact. If you have borderline and have a partner, your relationship is not necessarily toxic. You are are also worthy and able of finding healthy love in your partnerships.
Also, you are not "a borderline." You "have borderline." You are more than your disorder.
I turned out to be codependent. Reading over the symptoms of dependency makes me realize that i am that, more and more.
What brought me here? A failed relationship with a BPD that left me destroyed.
Ignore this guy. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Yes yes yes!! He reduced people with BPD to their disorder as though BPD is one's identity. Unfortunately that in itself is one of the largest struggles for people with BPD - extremely unstable sense of identity - so it just indicates complete ignorance on his behalf. I see the value in helping people who have been abused (whether it be by someone who has BPD or not) but his generalisations are SO DANGEROUS and I really struggle to see how he could be providing accurate and informed advice to people on how to cope when interacting with abusive people who have BPD if he lacks so much insight into how BPD functions!!!!
Thank you for your kind words it's very appreciated ❤❤
MJ Martin he isn’t using the most politically correct terms but he’s actually saying a lot of valid things if you actually pay attention instead of getting caught up in semantics
Was in a relationship with a bpd/bipolar for 2 yrs . ( Didn't know this tho. ).the first 6 months were pretty good .but there were a slot of RED FLAGS !!! then one day We had a disagreements about something .OMG!! There is no talking to these ppl.It wAs his way or the highway!! Just when you take the highway they tested you like nothing ever happened.you love them & feel sorry them and go back .and it all starts over again The Emotional Rollercoaster ride never comes to a stop . it may slow down a little but it NEVER STOPS !!!.ALL YOU CAN DO IS JUMP OFF ! AND START HEALING ....
Anoymous gamer so true. i too jumped off
@@Achhantei We all need the most promising love of all, God's Love John:3:16❤ When we accept His love, then we can have peace with Yaweh + experience the peace of God. Pray + He will answer you in the middle of your storms (crisis') Jesus is able to forgive us + calm the storms in our soul + our lives! The more we know His great forgiveness + Love for us, the more we start to Love Him. Then we can forgive + love ourselves + in turn love others with the love He bestows on us! That has been my experience + many others that I know! May God bless you as You seek Him through His Word. I suggest you start with the book of John, then the gospels of Matthew, Mark + Luke! I pray for a miracle of healing + transformation in your life as you submit it to Jesus, you will experience it! Amen
Someone cannot have borderline and bipolar together.
I love these people. I see them for the children they were and not the troubled adult they became. It is a human tragedy BPD.
ok so i'm diagnosed with BPD and this really struck a chord in me and i legitimately teared up...
@@Sofililly damn..but i call bullshit we aint really troubled with all the sense..i believe we are some pretty strong people
@@Hustlah- You are strong people absolutely. But you're emotionally destructive to some of the people that care the most about you and want the best for you. If you can't recognise that you could maybe even try talking about it or getting treatment then you are just doing yourself a disservice. If you're happy with how you behave then that's fine, but don't expect people to tolerate or be patient with bad behaviour.
You made me cry again this morning
Sometimes it’s caused by parental alienation syndrome psychosis. Rigid hierarchies and a family control freak. It could be a grandparent or other influence who traumatizes them. A triangulator with a sadism addiction.
"When they find someone who loves them, and they also love, they find themselves in that fantasy world they created where they are loved and worthy"
what a punch in my face
it was indeed a fantasy world I was creating.
thanks doctor
Cat Vergueiro I am in the same situation but being aware is winning half the battle. Do not give up!
@@mmichael6108 yet they dont believe it and implode it anyway
I just commented on this awful video too. I find this "doctor" very... Unprofessional to say the least... My comment was this, I'll copy and paste - "I really don't like his severe emphasis on the partner of a bpd (I am borderline) being unhealthy themselves. I came across this video to try to get some professional advice for my partner, to help to make his life and our relationship better and to provide him with some coping skills. All this video did was play on my paranoid part of my disorder that my partner wants me not because he loves me, but because there is something wrong with him. This is a recurring theme in my problematic behavior in my relationship. "He can't really love me, why would he, there must be something wrong with him because I am not worthy of real true healthy love, etc". I think the guy in the video makes a good point and is correct, as it has happened to me in past relationships that were not healthy. But I think it should be in a separate video as it is very much a separate topic. It goes away from loving a borderline, veering more toward advice for borderlines in regards to unhealthy or unstable relationships. Which is very valid and useful, but not on a topic for normal healthy people in a relationship with a borderline. My diagnoses is new, I was diagnosed as bipolar about ten years ago, incorrectly. So we are trying to navigate and find ways to help both myself, my partner, and the relationship in light of this new information on my actual disorder. And I would not show this video to my partner. Halfway in and all I have heard so far is that my partner is this or that negative thing. I don't think this would be helpful for him when I consider all the negativity he already has to deal with when I push him away, or become very combative and angry. This extra negativity, especially coming from a professional, will only further damage the way he feels in loving someone who has my issue. I also don't like the negative language of "the impossible connection" as a title. It not only creates further fear and panic in my own mind which is already plagued by fear of a relationship, or being loved "impossible" but also creates that fear for the partner who also fears losing the borderline, because of the issues that are already and continuously arising day to day. That anger and / or rejection that the partner has to deal with because, at least in our case, I often am angered by and reject healthy love because of my fear of it. Because of my fear of the loss of it. It also is just very negative and awful language when discussing mental health issues. It is stigmatising, and awful to call it "The impossible connection". Those words are extremely awful. It is definitively calling a connection with someone like me "impossible". Not "difficult" or "hard" etc, but more absolute in its description of me being "impossible" to connect to. I think I'll be looking elsewhere for advice for my partner 😔🙄😤😡"
I don't think this doctor or his video helpful. As confirmed by many comments of people with bpd who we're all replying to each other about how they will never be in a relationship because they don't think that others should "put up with their bullshit" ( not my words) and more comments filled with self hatred. This so called doctor and this video has hurt those who watched it. Those with bpd. That is clear. Its offensive. And its saddening to see people suffering with the belief that they are not worthy of love because of their bpd having this untrue belief seemingly confirmed, thus made worse, by this so called professional.
I would replace the sentence with ; they find themselves in a fantastic world where they experience being loved and found worthy, this world however soon subsides as their false beliefs of being unloved and unworthy arise and begin supplanting the reality that they have been experiencing. The disorder is the fantasy but he described it the wrong way around I think,
No one will ever get through that barrier :D
His eyes and his voice seem like he has been cutting onions for days.
😂😂😂
I think he's wonderful
I think you are shallow and don´t see beyond the message.
@@alfredomalpica4253 OP comment could imply they thought he was crying, not literally cutting onions. I don't necessarily think it was a rude comment
I’m here to learn but 😂😂😂
Good therapy isn't always available for borderlines.
Not only that but the fact that due to their BPD they won't stay in therapy for too long.
@Mc Psychedelic Sadly DBT can work with those BPD in the low spectrum and with a few comorbidities...Plus they need to desire change and have the resources for long term treatment..
@Mc Psychedelic Even with the proper channels anything can trigger a BPD back into their emotional rollercoaster..DPT is not "the answer". BPD is very complex.
@aquarius dreams Unless the therapist pushed him to suicide it is hard to judge him/her. We don't have both versions of the story to know why the counseling didn't work for both of them. It is a shame that your ex tried to kill himself however the mental illness is to blame.
Exactly. i have bpd but everyday is like a choice between should i die or should i cry. i just don't have therapy options as i can't afford it... And the past therapy... was unfortunate...
Knew a girl with bpd for 4 years, got pretty serious for 9 months, then over the course of 2 days fell in love. She had a breakdown saying she was broken and didn't wanna hurt me, and just like that it was over. We moved fast and I've never felt so loved or been so in love. He's right, and my heart breaks for her every single day even in her silence. She was a great person, class act. I hope she finds her way someday.
You fell in love over 2 days after 9 months? I found after just 1 week the BPD person is attacking me for shallow reasons after telling me how perfect I am just a day before.
I feel your pain man that’s how it works except I only knew this person for 3 months so it didn’t hurt me as much but I still remember her because she was my first.
It's a very cruel illness and surrounded by a tonne of ignorance. Some, think we choose to be this way. Being triggered is like when a woman goes into the 2nd stage of labour and wants to push! It's uncontrollable and there's fuck-all we can do whilst it's happening to stop. There's no need to 'beat us up' verbally, we do that to ourselves constantly, we're never enuf and threats are all around. Living with this disorder is a daily living hell and all because two people had a child they didn't know how to love - its the legacy of neglect and indifference and we're still paying the price. For that prxxk that told that guy to run, I say, at least you have that option, we don't!
@@arabellacox I’m so sorry 🥺😔 I cried reading this comment because I felt like such a coward for not fighting more in trying to make things work out with her but I felt so betrayed with what she had going on long distance she shut me down randomly after our first date. Things before that were perfect though. My feelings for her were genuine though I loved her like she was my own. Even after everything she’s doing me to currently in trying to Make me look like a bad person I still care about her and want what’s best for her even if I’m not in the picture. I know she has her own demons to battle but I can’t help her anymore she’s long gone from me now to a point of no return anymore.
@@abolisher I'm really sad to hear this. She'll always have a special place in your heart, but your mental health is priority and its probably 'for the best' (I hate clichés!).
To put it into some sort of context when partners are being tested; when your own parents didn't make you feel loved and worthy, why the hell should some random person 'off the street' who's only known you for a nano-second in comparison, love you?
I'll let you into a secret, they can't and never will because when you never received love from a baby and a child, you enter adulthood not knowing what love looks and feels like. I have 3 awesome adult children & Granddaughters and I love them with all my heart - we can give love, that's not a problem because we can feel it, but receiving it is different. I know they love me, but they are words in my head, not a feeling.
My partner makes me feel love when we're on the sofa with his arm around me and every so often, he'll kiss the top of my head (I love that!) but the feeling is momentary. Love to us is like a drug, we have to have fixes often and we need constant reassurance. Tbh I would love to go back 6 months before we met, when I'd been on my own 6 years and was in control and felt 'normal'. I have tried to break-up numerous times but it's worse than being in a relationship with him having Bpd. I'm not in a bad relationship, he's a good man, it's just the 'power' he has over me being a 'half-individual' as that speaker so nicely put it!
Remember this, all the shit she put you through, she didn't mean, it wasn't personal. BPD is a recognised disorder because its real, its not a choice. We're not bad people or narcissistic, the opposite in fact, else so many people wouldn't have fallen in love with us! Pray for her and keep a little light on for her in your heart & mind. You sound like a really compassionate and understanding guy. Time is a great healer and someone right for you will come along xx
I have this disorder. And I have been in therapy for 6 years and single. And I have been working on myself so I can have a proper relationship. But your videos make it sound like its hopeless. Like i'll never get better. This doesn't sound like there is hope for people like me.
+Ancie Pamintuan Don't give up! There is definitely hope for you! I have seen remarkable successes with BPD treatment. Just commit yourself to the healing process and keep believing in yourself. Your time will come.
Warmly,
Ross
+Ross Rosenberg Thank you. But when your therapist tells you only 1% really break the cycle and videos like this are a bit discouraging. Have you given thought to making a video for people like me who work hard daily to strive for a healthy lifestyle. I have to admit, your videos did make me cry because you are very accurate and it strikes a chord. Perhaps, if you did a video for people like me with this disorder who are undergoing therapy. Who are self-aware of their defects. Who still want to be loved but participate in a healthy romantic relationship one day --- it might give some people hope. Like me. I've worked hard. And am still working hard. It would be nice if you did such a video. I'm sure it will be helpful. Don't worry about me. I will never give up. But it is only human to feel discouraged sometimes. Its not an easy fight, this disorder. But it is about progress, right? Best, Ancie
+Ancie Pamintuan love how the Tin Man therapist doesn't answer.
Thanks. Its a daily effort. And it is getting harder to mask the loneliness going on 7 years now. I suppose, it will be all worth in the end. Being alive is amazing and the constant evolution of oneself is a wonderful journey. Thanks for the encouragement and understanding, kababayan.
+JugoSlav1919 Wow sexists jokes, much originality
Not all borderlines are malignant narcissists with zero self awareness and no desire to get well. (But I guess his ex was.)
+mallory hahahahaha, fucking great.
+mallory thank you. I suffer from BPD and honestly I am tired of being portrayed as a monster who will only hurt others. The fact that I might have hurt others as a result of my personality disorder honestly really and truly scares me. I honestly am very hurt by things such as this video portraying me as a heartless creature. I WANT to get better. I WANT to love others, not hurt them. I am NOT just a horrible monster destroying everything in my wake and I wished people realized that.
+maddiemoiselle That's what my Ex used to everytime I tell the things she does are terrible, as if she is serious about changing, then she preoceed to do them again 30 minutes later. I have no hate against these people, but loving someonw with this disorder is like trying to feed a cancerous tumor, it'll just keep suckig the lofe out of you until you're sanity just comes to a halt, and you're emotionally AND mentality forced to leave them, even after going through hundreds of heartbreaks and torture, all from oure love for them, but all you get is shit everyday until you're just drained like an empty balloon. It's debilitating. I regret staying for so long with someone who has BPD. I look back it now and realize I have done the biggest mistake of my life, filled with manipulation and paranoid accusations, it was hell on earth EVERYDAY. So the next time you try to defend against BPD's, I'm not saying to hate on them instead, im saying take intob
consideration of the victims pain and struggle with a BPD partner, and trust me, it's ALOT worse than what I'm making it to seem here.
+Sammy Ramos I'm saying this knowing I've hurt people and feeling true remorse for it, which you would know if you actually read my comment. Recently I was in my car sobbing and screaming incoherent sentences because I hurt someone because I have this disorder and I felt so guilty about that fact. To me that doesn't sound like some heartless monster who doesn't care when they hurt people. Also, it's a PERSONALITY disorder. THAT'S why it's so resistant to change. It's hard to treat and change someone's PERSONALITY. And this is not just me making excuses for my disorder, it's a statement said by MANY psychologists and therapists.
oh yes they are! lonely, desperate and ugly too.
Ive tried to get help for my wife, therapy, counseling, etc. But. All I have gotten is RAGE. So, I am going to get counseling for myself and move away from this very toxixlc wife. Please pray for me. Thanks
What she is doing to you, has already been done to her.
Leave for your own good but remember this: You walk on earth, she will forever walk in hell because OTHER people put her there. She is a victim too.
@@pr8872 my borderline friend use the victim card way too much tho... they know they're a victim and we know they're a victim too, but they manipulate others in a harmful way just coz they're the victim, and they don't try to change anything, they just wanna play the victim card forever because they know people will be understanding due to their disorder, it's a tricky situation...
@@Joselina197 That is actually the core root in BPD. We often know what the "problem" is, how it accurs..But we have no way of stopping the disaster. It looks like we don't want to change but in reality we don't know HOW to do the change. This is summed up by so many therapists because they can't really help us either.
Manipulative and charming are another sign of BPD. However, we all do that, BPD or not.
There is nothing you can do other than protect yourself. If you need to step away from that friend, do so. She/he probably already know before you, that you will.
And a question, how good are you to change your habits or your ways? Not so much right. No humans are.
@Jon Jackson Sounds like you should go first. Only a person with self hate says that to another person. So yeah boy bye👋
@Jon Jackson wow okay. So just because we have BPD, we deserve to die? We don’t deserve to have the best life possible, like everyone else? We don’t deserve the same chances at love? Is that what you’re saying? That we aren’t worthy of life?
What a real winner of a human being you are. Maybe you should seek therapy. Because in all honesty, no one with a good head on their shoulders would say someone deserves to die because of a mental illness.
I have BPD and I’ll admit that, I’m not always the nicest person. And you know what? I can’t stand that. When I’m mean to someone, it’s nearly instantaneous regret, and I’ll apologize over and over again for the one same act. Even years down the road I’ll think “wow I can’t believe I did that”… and even though I’ve received forgiveness, I’ll talk to that person again to express how sorry I am. It’s just what I do.
Please don’t say things out of your ass, just because it makes you feel like a bigger person. Stop and think before you speak/type. Thanks
I didn't take offense to the "underdeveloped person" comment. That's exactly how it feels to me.
I guess I'm an over-developed borderline person. Argh, matey. *qua-cough-ck* [spits] (and the mike dropped into the abyss ... )
Same!
I took offense to the fact that we are addressed as borderline than people. Because we are people. Not a different species that “normal”. Normal doesn’t exist
@@indiadavis3802 absolutely
Just a tip: If you're going to watch this, please also watch "embracing borderline personality disorder" by Dr Keith Gaynor.
And, if you're like me and have BPD, please don't watch this. It will make you feel awful, honestly.
We're human, don't forget that. Please don't assume we're all like this man describes.
Cheri Pullin Yes, the video by Dr. Gaynor is excellent! He, unlike me, teaches about BPD, the disorder & treatment. Mine focuses on the partner of the BPD. Each help both partners in the relationship
Cheri Pullin He's a relationship specialist and not a PhD. I'd advise that if you have BPD, that you do not watch these videos. Like most non-PhDs on the subject (e.g. that lady from gettinbetter.com), the view is wholly negative and describes BPD people as having the same extremes of emotion that you would find in movies.
The sad part about it is that videos and sites such as these is that they may be counterproductive; a person may come here and go "that's my girlfriend completely!," ignoring the fact that they may be ill themselves. In fact, that person may even have BPD and project emotions such as these with this type of ammunition.
So all in all, it does a disservice by being one-sided--both to the BPD and non-BPD having problems.
***** I have it too.. I'm used to being in pain, this way nothing!
You are human. Nobody is denying that. And so are the people hurt.
Thank you....I was thinking I shouldn't watch, due to the comments...
Everything is spot on. Dated someone with this disorder for 7 months and it was the most damaging thing to my health in such a short amount of time. I still have ptsd from that time and the things I dealt with.
I hope you're ok. I just got diagnosed with this shit. In reading these looking for hope
I dated someone who had borde line personality disorder for 16yrs found out in the end she was online escort I am suicidal now.
@@tonrobert3391 that's terrible to hear. I hope things work out for you though
Ton Robert please reach out to a therapist. 💜
@@tonrobert3391 😨😨😨😳
My BPD wife of 27 years left in a year ago July. This is what it was like for me.
Her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.
Occasionally we came upon an oasis where I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply a burden I no longer wish to carry. I tap into the last reserves of inner strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape, gripped by a fear of what is beyond the next, ever shifting sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.
We lay down together in the cool green grass, but I soon realize, once again it's an illusion. Like a mirage, in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and this time she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I must give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.
The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I will always feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did.
At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and in the knowledge that I will never see her again what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.
The witness of my existence now gone, my heart is tormented by waves of sorrow, like the breakers of some ancient sea crashing on a rocky shore. The primeval granite is reduced to particles of sand, now long forgotten, so too will our story be relegated to a footnote, then fade on the parchment of time with each passing generation.
I pry upon the wind, hoping to hear her sweet voice one last time, the words of the promised land as she whispers, "I now know he truly love me". I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we should have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with an invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago, long before her happiness become the purpose of my life. When she or I, the last of what was once “us” departs this terrestrial existence, no one will say “they were in love and are together again”.
Holy hell. After my 26 years, i couldn't have described it any more succinctly. The awful feeling of wasted life and love.
Damn.
That was beautiful. I only dated a BPD person for 2 years, but it was extremely damaging to me. In the end i realised that she is incapable of cognitive empathy, and is unable to understand how we feel. Because of this, a real relationship is impossible, because actually you are just an NPC to her, a means to her impossible end. Some people with bpd might be able to learn cognitive empathy and break the cycle, but that is a rare breed.
Exactly how it is. 😥
A tragedy for them, a trajedy for us.
Wow Keep your head High, I'm gonna read this again as I know I'm in the same situation....
So true. Being codependent, relationships with BPD/Covert narcissists are addicting and destructive. Being subject to bread crumbing, gaslighting, inconsistent reinforcement, and ghosting is hell on earth.
WE ARE NOT COVERT NARCISSISTS !!! That is a totally different disorder ! So you typing BPD/Covert Narcissists is misleading and unfair to people who suffer from bpd. Please do your research ! I suffered at the hands of a covert narcissist many years in marriage and we were NOTHING alike.
My sister is exactly like that. Bread crumbing, gaslighting, love bombing, smear campagning, and always playing victim with false narratives. No contact or grey rock are the best options for sure. 💯
Codependent are more narcissistic than bordelines
Shame on you for combining bpd with covert narcissism. You are sadly misinformed. Most people with bpd are NOT intentionally abusive unlike narcissists.
I have BPD and everything he says is spot on. I had a horrible childhood. I never felt worthy or loved and I've always just had a deep need for that but this mental illness has ruined my life and it has ruined the lives of men who crossed my path because I've gone untreated. I don't want to be this way. I AM A half developed individual and there NEEDS to be stigma so that I am motivated to receive treatment. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I want to love people the way they deserve to be loved.
I have so much respect for you amber! Hope your get help
Amber Taylor you're really strong
stigma is not needed to encourage people like me to get help. Fortunately, idgaf about the stigma. I have started and stopped treatment so many times in my life but not due to stigma. Why did I stop? It's hard. Change is hard work so instead I mostly avoid romantic entanglement as I know I am a child and don't want to hurt others but can't see beyond me when emotionally attached. I expect too much and am not able to give equally.
The people that do get involved with me know from the jump what I'm about. I tell them I have problems with empathy and I am like a toddler who throws tantrums. The "victim" needs to take responsibility for staying just like I had to with my Narcissist ex. He was only able to do what he did because I let him. If you stay it is because of your own emotional underdevelopment
You put my thoughts into words!
Amber Taylor stigma gets nobody anywhere it just creates more confusion and leaves people inaccurate answers. Educating ppl on mental illnesses and the good and bad abt them is the best way for both sides to work together and actually improve as humans.
I was fooled so well I moved across the country to be with a woman that I now know has BPD. It completely ruined 5 years of my life and was totally draining and I didn't even know how bad it was until she was gone. I was so taken by this girl I gave her way to many chances, but I moved to be with her so I was stuck. I wish I had known there are so many people like this, I can't believe it took 5 years to figure it out.
Same.
5 years and same shit happened to me. Recently she got married but I am still trauma bonded
I loss 16yrs of my life dating a woman with BPD After the experience I am now suicidal.
@@tonrobert3391 it's hard loving someone who doesn't really exist. The whole relationship was fake and built on smoke and mirrors.
@@tonrobert3391 I hope you can still find back and deal with the losses knowing there is still so much good to experience, even after all that.
This guy nailed it! I wish I knew about this when I dated my ex who I now believe to have suffered from some form of BD. Whenever Id ask what she suffered from (obviously something) she would get mad and walk away. Finally one day I asked listen, I am here to help, whats wrong. All she said was "I wasn't loved as a child and was abandoned as a child" then walked away angry.
My relationship started exactly how you described. Lots of sex in the beginning which blinded me. It was like a fantasy her treating me like a king and always there for me. Well later on down the road she changed and the real her came out. No matter how guilty she was of something, she always had an excuse. She lied a lot but would always try and use excuses as to why she lied rather than owning up to it. When she didn't get her way, she would lash out and get mad. Kinda like a child who couldn't get the toy he wanted. She cried more than anyone I ever met. Our relationship became a game. She wouldn't keep her word, so I would do something cold hearted cause I got tired of dealing with it.
Then of course she would put the blame on me. I broke up with her due to her lying all the time (whole other story) I then forgave her, but she had already decided to move back to her moms many states away. She wanted me to move in later on. Of course right before she left she didn't keep her word for something silly so I decided not to say my final goodbye as a result.
She left and was mad at me for that reason. Lets just say I did love that women with all my heart. I tried so hard to make it work. She never called me when she got home. Said she was scared to. I lashed out at her and got angry cause she promised me she would. So weeks have gone by and she hasn't called or texted. Im sure she moved on as her friends say thats what she does. She jumps directly into another relationship without giving herself time to heal and work on herself. When things were good between us it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I have and will always love her. Just wish I would have known about this condition as I loved her so much I would have tried to get her some help. She even admitted one day she needed help and maybe medication.
Ha ha, almost 90% of this happened to me as well. I guess scenarios are the same across the globe. Sad thing is that you find appropriate key words in google when all is over.
same, if only I knew my ex had bpd... I knew he had something, I even forced him to a psychiatrist but the diagnosis was anxiety... it was, but not only that... I tried to help for years and in many different ways... I ended up getting dumped for another girl... still trying to heal my broken heart after 7 months...
We can’t help or change other adults unless they acknowledge there is a problem. BPD
Untreated in a partner , makes it almost impossible to live with them.
I tend to disagree strongly with how you describe the "main problem". I did experience the rushed beginnings (which was indeed difficult), but what you are talking about is nothing compared to the difficulties of a long-term relationship. I've been in a relationship with a girl who is diagnosed with BPD for about 2 years, and I find that the main problem is avoiding to conform with the disorder (or, what is often referred to as walking on eggshells), rather than staying true to ones boundaries and standing your ground when faced with the difficulties a BPD might present to with - some of the most horrible being gas-lighting, psychological violence in the form of threats, and vengeful or hurtful acts on grounds that aren't at all proportional to the reaction (all comes with complete denial, if confronted). These things are hard to live with, and they are among the most prominent symptoms that eat the partner up from the inside. If anyone wants my advice, you should be sure that the individual you are about to engage in a relationship with is aware of his or her disorder, and if you think yourself strong enough ask that he or she undergo treatment as a condition before stepping into the relationship. I know this will sound silly, but establish a ground rules that benefits both of you, and do so before anything bad happens. Ask the BPD sufferer to tell of the difficulties he or she has experienced before, and talk about why that is and how you can be a part of avoiding or helping him or her out of it - but, I must stress that you should be very clear that you are NOT responsible for the outcome, only that you do your utmost best at all times, nothing more and nothing less. If things go bad, talk about it. If the dialog dies, the relationship is likely to do so too.
Important things to keep in mind are that BDP sufferers express an unrelenting pain within themselves, and what they say and do, when experiencing this pain, is not to be taken literally, as you might otherwise. If you can, disregard it, or translate "I fucking hate you! I wish I never met you! I should have known better! You did this to me! Why do you hate me so much! How could you!" to "I need you badly right now, it hurts so bad, please stay and comfort me until it passes". Do not argue with such utterances, it will only fuel the fire. If you can, comfort the individual as best you can. This is hard, but try to invert what he or she is saying, if it's not about a dispute between you (i.e. "I'm a bad mother!", "You're a great mother") - avoid using negatives (i.e. "No, you're a great mother", the "no" can kill your good intention), but do use positives whenever you can. Try to validate the feeling, but not necessarily that the expression is true (i.e. "I can understand that you feel hurt"). If you were in a dispute, do not try to resolve things before both of you are calm and okay, even if you are right - and that goes for both of you, nothing good comes out of it. Put a time-out rule in place, that allows either one of you to say "give me x minutes", and this needs to explicitly defined as; if you need a time-out, do not attack the other person in any way before saying so, and do so as politely as possible (i.e. "Stop! ... Hey, I'm sorry, I really need a pause. Can you give me half an hour or so?") - the key here is that both understand "Stop!" and does so, if requested. During a time-out, calm yourself and before returning, reflect over the issue - also, both of you.
Learning how to resolve fights and defuse difficult situations is essential to keeping a relationship alive, with or as a BPD sufferer. Ultimately you both strive for peace and love, so work together! It can be tough, but it can also be done ;)
I couldn't do it with my borderline ex. His psychiatrist told him that he has BPD and PSTD and what did he do about it? nothing. He didn't care in his mental problems and how that is affecting his life, especially his relationships. I begged him to get treatment and he wasn't interested. I bought books and he never read them. He just loves to complain and keep being a victim blaming everybody and not taking responsibility. He rejected me completely (withheld affection and intimacy), he pushed me away and blamed it on my flaws as an excuse for that. Slowly he was abusing me emotionally and mentally, I let him kill my self-esteem and confidence. I was walking on eggshells every day. We were living together. He left 3 weeks ago and finally I can breathe but the wounds he left in me are still bleeding. I hold a lot of resentment towards him and I have a lot of flashbacks and memories non-stop. It's exhausting. I wish I could get him out of my head the same way I got him out of my house. This is so hard. :(
ATS OFF TO YOU !!! IT TAKES A REAL GENTLEMAN AND TO BE DEVOTED ,COMMITED AND IN LOVE WITH YOUR WIFE. WE NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Anyelina L. I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT I BEEN THERE AND TRYING TO PUT MYSELF TOGETHER, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TROUGH WE NEED TO PRAY FOR EACH OTHER , HANG IN THERE IT'S NORMAL THE HAVE THOSE RECURRENT MEMORIES IT'S TOO SOON TO HEAL , WE MUST GO THROUGH GRIVING TIME AFTERALL WE LOST SOMEONE WHO WAS PART OF US , BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT YOU FELT IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THAT DIDN'T EXIST , BECAUSE WHEN THE MASK SLIPED JUST THINK ABOUT THE ANGUISH YOU WENT THROUGH AND I WARANTY YOU, DON'T WANT THAT ABUSE ANY MORE. WE WORTH MORE THAN THAT .
METHAFORA ENIGMA Thanks for your words.Yes definitely, I don't deserve this. I tried my best in helping him but I gave up not because I don't care, but because he doesn't. :(
Casper, thanks so much for your post - one of the most helpful things I've read re: BPD (especially: 'Important things to keep in mind are that BDP sufferers express an unrelenting pain within themselves, and what they say and do, when experiencing this pain, is not to be taken literally, as you might otherwise. If you can, disregard it, or translate "I fucking hate you! I wish I never met you! I should have known better! You did this to me! Why do you hate me so much! How could you!" to "I need you badly right now, it hurts so bad, please stay and comfort me until it passes". ')
As a person who ended up with BDP, I just wanted to say that i have an amazing family, and beautiful childhood.
How did u wind up with bpd ? Isn't it based on neglect & trauma. In childhood ?
@@rachelsimbhu4383 Not always. In fact, one study showed that in up to 30% of BPD cases no abuse, neglect, or trauma was reported during the BPD patient's childhood. Reading that study convinced me NOT to have children. I probably have the BPD "gene" (many of my aunts have it), and I don't want to risk my kids developing BPD--even if I raise them properly.
@Kate Kilpatrick,
THANK YOU! I Have a daughter with bpd and I know she wasn't mistreated, abandoned, neglected, beaten,....
Quite opposite. She grew up in a loving and nurturing family and environment. How did she get this?
@@jeanamessner4785 I’m not a scientist, but I have a theory that it’s what wasn’t previously recognized as ADHD. It’s an actual chemical disorder within the brain and delayed frontal lobe development. A “perceived abandonment “ or the feeling of invalidation of any extreme emotion is also felt as neglect. The more stress or harsher the life- the harder the adhd develops into a personality disorder. Don’t agree? Tell me why.
As a loving mother with a bod daughter who wasn’t abused, traumatized or abandoned , I think your theory of how one develops this disorder is deeply flawed and basically, bullshit.
I am now going psychotherapy myself because of i dated bipolar person who had lots of BPD traits in her. Mostly because of the Idelization-Devalue-Discard cycle that has been going on for months. Good and informative video!
I am 33 and was Diagnosed with Bpd at 16. I agree with everything you said. I Also have wrecked havoc and destruction in the path of those who have tried to love me. Do i purposely sit out to hurt them? No but does it still happen? yes. I HAVE spent years and years in therapy. I work so hard to change. And thing is... I can go months and years where all is controlled. Then something happens and my own symptoms come back. And I have to fight like hell to repair and heal myself all over again.
Thanks for your honesty and transparency Jessica. I hope you end up being no longer victim at all of these defense mechanisms and you get the love that you deserve and you can give others the love that they deserve.
The strong idealization followed by rapid devaluation totally messes with the non-bpd's head. Mine devalued me almost over night after I got upset with her over something and then also showed some weakness. It put in her head that I was not perfectly strong/masculine and that it was possible for there to be problems between us and for me to perhaps leave her at some point. What happened over the next few months was brutal. We went from love birds to me being afraid to hold her hand in such a short window. Thank goodness I left. This is such a brutal disorder the way the extreme need for attachment manifests insures that attachment will be difficult to maintain.
Same.
wow, the terms used in this video are not respectful or healthy, "not normal, incomplete, half human"How can we expect Stigma to stop when "health professionals" use such terms to describe us?Be mindful good sir
+Nicolle Vanderbilt He's not being professional in the least. He's biased and demeaning. I mean, just look at his site after the video ends. It adverts advise against "Emotional Manipulators" and such... This guy needs to go.
Just because you hit someone with a car and it was because you were looking the other way at the time, does not make you (or anyone) less of a killer. The fact that the emotional abuse is unconscious does not in any way change the psychological damage done to the other person. It is emotional manipulation - it's just unconscious emotional manipulation.
the81kid I agree completely. we don't owe the pathologically abusive kind any slack. they know full well what they do. Non empathic manipulative parasitical predators. I do not wish them well.
an informative and helpful video, it;s YOU won't change. So many of you act like monsters. Can't you stop hurting others and treat them like you would like to be treated? Be nice to others or stay off places like this!
Brad McEwen I am not a health professional and when people don't read comments like these are shared; I am sorry somebody must of hurt you, but spreading more hate and judgment does not help. I don't know your story but I respect enough to not asume. Coming down on people, that doesn't help much, but if that works- go for it.
You are mistaken about my message. Why should anyone empathize and/or feel sorry for someone who abuses them. It really boils down this very important fact. If that person took responsibility and was accountable for the harm they perpetrated, they would engage in BPD specific long-term psychotherapy, which, by the way is quite helpful. But the angry people spouting off on this channel want a get out jail pass for each and every time they abuse someone. They use their disorder as a disability, but continue to hurt people. If someone with a can hit me in the head with it, I would contact the police. Their malady doesn't make them innocent. But if the same person with a cane wanted help, tried to seek it, and when receiving it participated in it, then they have all of my sympathy, empathy and patience. Using one's disorder as an excuse for their abuse, and then wanting to feel sympathy, just doesn't fly with me.
+Ross Rosenberg Amen to that Ross! For example, after my borderline ex-boyfriend cyber bullied me and gave me several death threats, I reported him to the police. Then he had the nerve to blame ME and say I was responsible for provoking him! It's astounding the profound lack of awareness and consciousness that borderlines have. Their level of dysfunction is tragic!
+RetroCanuckJunkie Sounds like a narcissist to me, not borderline.
+Ross Rosenberg "Borderline rarely seek help." That is not true. Borderline personality disorder sufferers seek help more than any other personality disorder type on the list. Precisely because they are so much in touch with their feelings, it hurts. This is your new message from 2 weeks ago. That anyone who disagreed with you "IS MISTAKEN ABOUT YOUR MESSAGE".So patronizing, so one-sided. So much self-defence. So much ... next? I mean... The title is Loving Someone w/Borderline Personality Disorder. See Warning. SEE WARNING? WTF?
+RetroCanuckJunkie such painful people indeed
awesome
Thank you for your wisdom and knowledge. It is really helping me through my time of recovery from battling six years of false love.
My relationships have been with secure people and they have not developed fast but once they get there my borderline comes out. Iam completely aware of it being my fault, i become sensitive and lash out impulsively and when i calm down iam very upset with myself and aware of how abusive i can be that in turn reinforces that i do not deserve this person. Iam now avoidant and would'nt know how to get involved with anyone, im terrified of the feelings i get and terrified of hurting someone i love. I do not deny my mental instabilty.
+lazerhaze Gee where would anyone get the impression that you're not worthy of love?
+Travis Rogers Oh sure, YOU'RE worthy of love, but anyone who says something that offends you deserves to have their parents gassed by the Nazis. Ross Rosenberg made a video you disagree with. Travis Rogers advocates genociding his parents in a gas chamber. Typical TYPICAL BPD point of view. If someone says something you don't like, EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T SAY IT TO YOU....your solution is advocating murder. I obviously don't agree with you, are you going to advocate murdering MY parents? You sound like a wonderful person, I really don't know how people with your disorder got such a bad reputation.
+Travis Rogers that's a horrible thing to say, but having been in a relationship with someone with bpd it doesn't surprise me.
Travis Rogers wow hahaha, your response induced laughter in me, it's that kind of response that throws you off because it's so hateful and sad honestly, my goodness, what a miserable individual you are. Oh wait, yeah you have bpd, yeah, I'm not taking you seriously. But you might actually be worse than my ex when it came to hateful comments. Hope you get help with that.
+Travis Rogers I hope that you get the help you need.
Even though they initially love Bomb you in what they perceive as love and affection. It quickly deteriorates into push pull, go away, come back. Love Bomb, go away, Hoover, Love Bomb, Go away!! Maddening!! You never get the same attention, you are putting out, because they are unable to reciprocate in like manner. SADDENING!!
Albert Baza I have this experience with a colleague. When her marriage broke up, she poured her heart out to me. When she found a new boyfriend, she turned on me. I can only think she is embarrassed by her vulnerability at the time. It’s not easy to work with an explosive and hurtful person - one day spoken to and the next ignored, depending on her mood.
Yes I can confirm this. Get a prenup. Just incase. They can go from zero to a hundred real quick and will twist things. Yes they can love but at the same time you can only help so much
This sounds like NPD, is there any similarities? I noticed that I have these characteristics and I also wonder if i have NPD because in my relationships this was how it always went.
Half an individual? Someone capable of love 5times greater than the average person would actually be more human than human..
Love is a delusion. BPDs display hate at a super-human level exceeded only by a raging narcissist. Love is imagined as an excuse to harm a vulnerable person.
@Steve Dannely for Yang Some Borderlines are not aggressive outwards, but rather inwards - they hurt themselves. I think they call it 'evasive borderline'
You dont love someone you wanna make people your personal slave and punching bag. So you are stunted.
But can flip it in seconds and dispose of you
I’m in a healthy relationship with a borderline and they’re in therapy. Of course there are disagreements as with any relationship, but it’s no different than the average relationship. You just have to be proactive in identifying triggers and identify when they’re being irrational.
I would run if I were you...
redpillthinking thanks mom. I don’t need your nanny state esque advice.
@@raptorbadger69 I was just trying to give friendly advice, my comment had no ill intentions. I was in a relationship with a borderline for over 2 years and it was the most toxic 2 years of my life. I kept telling myself they would change and things would get better, but they only got worse. But good luck.
Are you still hanging in there?
@@redpillthinking6043 You know, I think it is AWFULLY hilarious, that people like you are so quick to judge someone that has BPD like me, calling us out as bad people and yet, you changed your demeanor to "My comment had no ill intentions." It most certainly had ill intentions and I don't appreciate that at all. And got worse? My guess is that you refused to educate yourself on the illness and actually help your spouse. Not everyone has to be lousy and uncompassionate like you, karen.
This was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. I recently had to file a protective order against my now ex-fiance which was one of those most emotionally painful things I've ever had to do. I loved her so much but her emotions would change so suddenly and things would become violent on her part. Threats, physical abuse and destruction of property increased at an exponential rate. I tried talking to her about getting help but she would attempt to manipulate me into thinking that I was the one who needed help. I've been emotionally destroyed by this person and am in the process of recovering. I still care deeply for her because I know she has good heart - she's just damaged. Its a very difficult place to be if that makes sense?
How did it all work out or end up, if you don't mind me asking?
I am in a relationship now with a man who has every BPD trait (undiagnosed). He is actually incarcerated right now for the abuse he has done to me. His bpd is not an excuse and I don't want anyone to think that because of BPD we can excuse or justify any abusive behavior, because plain and simple, no matter what, abusive/harmful behavior is UNACCEPTABLE! I will say that I am in love with him. I am so afraid that he won't be able to come home when he gets out & if that happens, I know he will go back to drugs and alcohol. .. I am going to send the judge and D.A a letter asking if they can modify the restraining order to just a refrain from order, that way he has a better chance or real recovery.
I didn't file the order of protection, NY state did, it expired but, he went to court 2 days after & the judge issued another order for an additional year. 😩😳
Although, I do speak with him multiple times a day 🤫 He WANTS to stay sober but knows he needs help & a support system. I am 8 years sober. Please 🙏 for us.
@@mariapsunshine3701 *hugs* 💕💕💕
At the end of the day, if you have never come across someone with bpd....do yourself a favour and run away, fast!!! I just wish someone had given me the same advice yrs ago.
How lovely. I’m sure everyone who has this disorder and feels completely worthless and depressed for something that is NOT their fault respects your thoughtful comment.
Yes, you was probably on the receiving end of a BPD, but just remember those with this disorder will more than likely hate themselves for their own actions more than you realise. And if they don’t, they probably aren’t BPD.
@@CallanM98 lmao piss off. Borderlines fuck up so many people and leave nothing but victims in their wake.
Out of the box. You’re adding to the stigma.. someone with bpd doesn’t even realize what they are doing at times.
how to love a BPD: make them stand in front of you, look the opposite way and start running, run like you never ran before as if your life depends on it, cause it does, keep running until you collapse from exhaustion and when you wake up start running again until you collapse....
Best advice in all of the comments. This should be pinned to the top.
Agree
This is a very good job. As the daughter of a BPD and ex girlfriend of a BPD guy I can tell this video describes what its been like for me. My boyfriend started to say you never loved me when I suggested therapy and my mother used to have outbursts of low self steem when my dad gave her self care products. They are sensitive beings.
to anyone I’ve ever hurt emotionally, physically, and psychologically, I am so deeply sorry. Living with BPD is a nightmare filled with constant changes in emotion, and luckily through years of therapy and different medications, I’ve become a lot more self aware of my thoughts/actions/behaviors. However, I haven’t been able to control them so I always try my best to avoid any situations when my emotions are wack and I know I could hurt someone. I no longer get physical with others, but I can be very manipulative and hurt people without even knowing I hurt them. It’s a constant struggle between wanting to be a fucking decent human being and not caring who or what you hurt as long as those emotions of yours are fed. I feel so selfish or like I’m some sort of demon with BPD. I decided to cut almost all of my friends off bc I don’t want them having to deal with my emotional wrath-it’s terrible and they should not be subjected to that. But I just want others to know that some of us are trying. We want to help others, we want to be happy and in control, and we don’t want to actually hurt you. I’m deeply sorry if you or a loved one has been affected by this type of behavior. You don’t deserve it. Me (including others with this) need help, and if we don’t recognize that, we can become hell on earth. We need to admit that we are a lot more manipulative, abusive, and emotional than others, and while that is NOT ok, I want to stress that we also did not chose this either. Whether it was your childhood/traumatic experience that caused this good to bad switch, we genuinely have so much trouble controlling this, but the few of us who are aware of it really do try. I just wanna send my apologies again to the people who have experienced us in a sense. We just wanna be as normal as everyone else, and I’m so sorry that your loved ones with bpd dont recognize this extremely major issue.
Your being too hard on yourself my friend. It’s hard to feel what we’ve inherited as who we actually are. We’ve inherited this emotional disregulation per our family lineage before us. Generations of parents inherited unaddressed trauma. We now have inherited it all in our emotional responses. It CAN be managed. I hope you’ve found and reached your baseline safe space. Always remember, you’re not alone.
As a Highly aware BPD its fun to see the comments on Bpd videos on YT, so raw and triggered. its like a giant case study
+PrincessFareeha you said 'as a highly aware BPD'. I want to ask you..can you really change? if you are willing enough and with the right therapy? i really do want to change but i am desperately looking for hope! please reply
How did you come to be highly aware? I’m trying to understand this disorder. Don’t mean to offended you but are you aware if and when you’re behaving in a way that harms and hurts others?
Fun?
@Jess B Wow. It sounds like you are describing the relationship between me and my girlfriend. She calls her splits "swings" and is acutely aware of when they are coming and how powerless she is to stop them. The tone of voice and facial expression changes you describe are absolutely spot on. It's very scary to be on the receiving end of. I have to be careful how I react in case my response triggers a negative cycle of learned behaviour in us both. I feel vindicated reading this. Someone understands! My girlfriend is in therapy and getting better at managing her condition. I hope you have supportive partner and get the help you need. Thank you for your comment.
@Jess B Jess, could you please tell me what kind of treatment you are receiving or how or where i can look for help? I just discovered i suffer of borderline p.d. I just ruined yet another relationship and friendship, I feel terrible, I'm drinking heavily and feeling miserable and lost. I need help but i do not know how or where to get it.
BPD can also be a symptom of CPTSD which requires different treatment approaches, so anyone thinking they have BPD should also research CPTSD also for reference, helped me big time. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us 🌍❤🙏🏼
BPD comes from childhood, genetic vulnerability and environment as a child..
CPTSD is like maybe you had an abusive relationship as an adult and finally got out of it.
If you're borderline you'd better have bucks and family support.
No one mentions this - ever.
EVER!
No coz their family were the ones who abused them for them to be BPDs
Absolutely. That's a big factor why people don't even try treatment. Coz, it's life long. And often highly over charged... Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
@@aislingying9971 yup that's what makes it all the worse...
@@aislingying9971 not everyone gets abused. It's also inherited.
@@Msfracture Thank you. My youngest has BPD and bipolar 2, and was brough up in a loving family, no abuse, no neglect. It was triggered by a serious of traumatic events in their 20s. The family are the support system in our case. I wish people wouldn't make blanket statements about mental health.
I suspect I have BPD but no official diagnosis, and I generally found this video very good. I fell in love with someone who I suspect also has BPD, and it was indeed explosive. But I will comment on two things:
1) Around 9:00 you mentioned that someone with BPD with respond with rage if someone suggests they get therapy. From my experience, three different people told me to get therapy in loving ways, and in the moment I definitely felt rejected and defective, but my rage was focused inwards. I was able to simultaneously hear their genuine concern and am eternally grateful to them for caring enough to be honest with me. When I finally started therapy, I was very sporadic in the first few months until my therapist said "this will not help you if you do not commit to it." I started tearing up and told her it is so frustrating because I feel so broken and alone, but when I try to get help, even my therapist says I am not dedicated enough. It was a necessary wake up call though, and I have made good progress.
2) The other thing is that it is not very kind to refer to someone with a weak sense of self as an incomplete person. I am a complete person, just sometimes I am not aware of it and am not able to love my whole self. Underdeveloped? Certainly. But half an individual? No. In many ways I know myself better than people without mental health issues because I have wrestled with my identity so much.
I can't imagine that it is helpful to call someone half a person. Hurtful.
Insightful, direct and accurate. The best I’ve seen. Explains the person with BPD and their partner.
Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are naive and misinformed about who I am. I am not the "President" of a UA-cam nation for which I have to be politically correct with what I say and do. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are seeking to become healthier and/or work through their trauma and addictions.
My perspective is that of the clients who are seeking my services, not the perpetrators of harm from whom they are trying to escape. My work is about empowerment, healing and accountability. I provide psychotherapeutic services that help my clients learn about why they choose harmful relationships and stay in them (The Human Magnet Syndrome).
My focus is NOT to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals with untreated BPD who are harmful and abusive. I work with people with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder. I don't work with people with BPD or, for that matter, people who just want to bash them while not taking personal responsibility for their part of the dysfunctional relationship.
I do have a a point of view and a prejudice. I AM FOR people who want to get better, not hurt others, and take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive perpetrators who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. There, you have it!
I have a perspective, and that is that of my clients. My job does not include representing the people that hurt them. I am tasked with facilitating the healing of psychological wounds in order that my clients can become healthier and stronger in their pursuit of self-love and relationships in which mutually loving, respecting and caring actions are the norm.
I don't focus on what is wrong with other people, i.e. those with BPD, but what is wrong with my client who consistently fall in love with people that profess to love them, but always hurt them. My work with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder requires my clients to take responsibility for their actions and relationship choices.
There are other people online, especially on UA-cam, who make the codependent the victim and suggest retaliation as the solution. This is not who I am or what I do. This will be the last comment I make on my BPD videos.
+Ross Rosenberg I think that is the best way to deal the phenomenon. You can not change other people's opinions, their mind, with good or bad, with soft manipulation nor force. It is only you yourself, that can do something. I clearly understood this in my mind some days ago: I complained of my friends opinions or actions etc. Then I just thought: Why I do care? Actually the most important is, who am I and what I do and what I think. That matters most. When I wake up in the morning and then do and say things that I can be proud of - that make sense. It is not what others do or say.
+Ross Rosenberg As you describe your "job", you are "there for" the borderliners who are busy destroying everyone and and everything around them, and not the people they are so happily destroying. You would do well to familiarize yourself with Dr. Tara Palmatiere (sp?). Borderliners *deserve* every awful thing that happens to them, and often, much much more.
+Emily Wooten I don't work with people with BPD. It is a specific disorder, like others, that require psychotherapists who has experience in treating it, ample empathy for that population, motivation to treat the disorder, and emotional clarity about the challenges for such treatment. I have none of these. Rather, my skill set lies in other areas and with other disorders. Best, Ross
+Ross Rosenberg Yeah, it's quite common knowledge that a lot of therapists refuse to work with borderlines. Gee, I wonder why! :D
+Ross Rosenberg yet you attempt to speak like an expert on the topic.
He must be talking about someone that has severe BPD, like the worst ever. I have some of the characteristics he mentions but I have been dealing with it since I was 19 years old and I have gotten help throughout the entire time. It took years to get the correct diagnosis but when I did I bought the book "New Hope for people with BPD" and figured out how to help myself along with the caring and kindness of my family who never beat me or neglected me..
MissTotos He's talking about guys like me who went until 45 to be diagnosed. Imagine what the past few decades were like lol
Thanks! that explains so much of what I've been through with my ex. I have started therapy since to address my self confidence issues. I was so deeply in love and glanced over some very obvious red flags. Now I can't understand how I didn't see them. Everyone else around me saw them and warned me about her behavior.
Keep doing what you do. We need this and we appreciate you!
Just wait until a borderline turns on you . My wife recently left me and is desperately trying to keep my daughter from me. They will go to any length to control you , even after they leave .
Someone once said "A borderline is a narcissist that has empathy when they feel like it. Piss them off and you'll see the full narc".
Very humble to have found this! I wish I could post my long, 1600 word story here but I can tell that this is why for over a decade all of my relationships, close friendships with the opposite sex has been hell. My heart gets so attached so much to the person and hence I have been celibate for years now! I cannot explain but being intimate with someone whom I adore and care for, I fall so much for this person and I get deeply hurt and the cycles goes around in an never ending story of fantasy. Thank you for your words and voice
Nobody is entitled to abuse no matter what thier relationship is with thier prey
Excellent job. Finally I understand what was going on, and why I was drawn back time and time again. Thank you. Until I watched these videos, I had never considered the fact that my codependent personality made me a magnet for BPD. I feel like I barely survived a 5 year long war. lots of scars. Considered becoming a monk afterwards.
As a poster child as a Borderline, I can't keep relationships. I'm very sensitive. But I care about all people. I empathize of everyone that suffers. I have been in therapy for years. I have found the best action for me to not hurt people is to isolate. I get very afraid to be in social settings because I might impulsively do something wrong. I don't blame anyone. All I can say, it's the most lonely painful sad way to live. I have a few friends who tolerate me. I warn people that if I go off the handle to go away and come back in 24 hours. (this is before they have ever seen the rage). But yes, you are right on about the abuse, the lack of nurturing and the loss of love as a child that cultivated this disorder in me. I think I'm doing better. The abandonment issue is unbearable. I've never left the most abusive men that I have had relationships with. I mean put in the hospital abusive. But everyone has always left me. I'll take it all. Now I sit here day after day all alone. I feel it to be the best way to not hurt anyone.
How did you get diagnosed/get him? Was it willingly ?
Awwww i relate xxx so heartbroken
I’m not diagnosed but I relate to this on such a deep level I teared up for at some point while I read it...
I know exactly how you feel. I grew up with so much abuse that I don't know how to appreciate or maintain relationships...the thoughts of being worthless just never go away. I take a handful of psychiatric medication, plus some herbal supplements which have helped to save my life several times and help keep me from splitting as badly as I used to: lithium, lamictal, citilopram, lorazepam, gotu kola, bacopa, dark chocolate and red wine. I don't have many relationships, but at least now I feel much more aware of myself and of the feelings of others. The horrific emptiness isn't as debilitating as it used to be, and now I can usually talk (write) myself into doing something positive and productive.
Marian V...what you've said, is how I have felt my whole life...No good help to be found. I'm 68 now.
Doesn't seem to be anyone to understand...
Tky for your post share. I am very upfront about things...but, again I'm a handful and not to be easily
deterred. Seems everyone ...leaves me😢
I am the scape goat of the family and suffer from traits of BPD I am also the co dependant to my narcissist mother!
When I met my spouse, we lingered as friends for years, then began a relationship. I knew he was "different", but didn't know how yet. We became married, and now 14 years later, it was discovered that he has BPD. Yes he can be difficult at times, but as his wife, I feel it's my job to be patient and remain loving him. I'm no co-dependent, but I do have a great deal of experience working with adults and children with a variety of emotional and developmental disorders. I suggest that if someone is in a long term relationship with a person who has BPD , they work together to make it work, rather than abandoning the individual.
As a man who deals with this, i want to thank you on your husband's behalf and mine. I met my wife when I was 16 and we have been together since for 15 years. She has stuck by my side from day one. I know it is not easy, but we love you guys and our own families we have created more than can be described. So thank you for hanging tight and loving on him. The world needs more women like you guys.
Just realized this is 4 years old. Hopefully you guys were able to make it through since your post.
I just lost a good friend. She tried her best but I lost her. Reading this, I hope you stayed strong
90% of people with a BPD partner try to make it work but the BPD is usually so abusive, takes no accountability, cheats, ruins your life etc. Very little point in sticking with them at all. Rare if the relationship can actually be healthy and worked at. And I don’t mean illusions of a healthy relationship I mean as close to normal and actually equal as it should be.
This is so spot on, especially with regard to hearing something other than what the person dealing with them says.
very informative and interesting video, thank you for uploading it. i´m very informed about BPD myself as someone who was involved with a borderline. it was the worst experience of my life, but at least i´m learning about my own issues and flaws and trying hard to heal and fix them. can´t wait to see the rest of your videos about BPD.
listening to this man I feel he speaks from bitter experience rather than an unbiased educative position, and is therefore an example of the stigma and not a tool to help demolish it, and so I cannot absorb him seriously as a lecturer on the subject
Phil Euerby I agree!. That, plus his selling a book 5 seconds into the video, and the empty metaphors like the "half a person" concept. Not very professional at all.
This is inaccurate because most borderlines are also codependent and tend to attract narcissists
Crossing the Borderline exactly. I think many of the people who agree with this video series (including the author himself) are probably narcissists. Narcissists can’t tell they have a problem and put up all kinds of defense mechanisms to convince themselves they are not the problem. People with BPD know they have a problem and know something is wrong with them and they don’t want to be that way. What these narcissists have done is found a way to identify a “problem with themselves” that’s really about the other person. The problem is that they fall for people with BPD lol. It’s the most narcissistic excuse on the planet. These people are so dangerous and so sick.
@@annesmith9633 I think you are completely delusional sitting there being an armchair psychiatrist. What a stupid and broad generalization, saying the author and people who agree with his opinion are likely narcissists. Yes, you've got it all figured out Anne. Jesus, /whooooosh to the max. You're clearly operating under some very serious delusions.
@@annesmith9633 You are obviously a borderline in complete denial and it's a frustrating thing to witness cause I dealt with it with my ex. Calling everyone a Narc is a clear sign your deflecting and trying to pass the buck. A typical trait of a Narc.
I do however agree with "crossing the borderline" that not all borderlines are unaware. But here is the problem. Most are aware but they continue to slip in and out of denial despite the moments of awareness.
@@jhumble7045, my BPD gf called me a narcissist and kept trying to prove it when I am avoidant. She knows the difference and was just picking a fight to be mean to me.
Narc on narc. They deserve each other.
I hope this isn't someone who works with patients. If I had BPD and already felt completely unworthy and empty, the worst thing in the world would be a medical professional refering to me as "half of a person." How insensitive and also incorrect.
"boarderlines" aren't anything less than human beings. You feel empty, but you aren't broken. Maybe you've got some challenges, but that is OK. You are loveable, you are worthy, and you are capable of making this easier to live with. I'm proud of you for trying to find information to help yourself, but don't listen to this guy. Go watch something else, you got this. I love yall 💗
Brilliant description Ross. I bought your audiobook of human “magnet syndrome” in 2017. I now know I have a complete attraction to borderlines!
My latest ex is someone I’m still massively struggling to get over this particular relationship. Anyway, thanks for your videos
I feel intense guilt for ending a life long friendship with someone who has BPD. I was recovering from major depression when I realized I could no longer offer my support and love at the expense of my own mental health. The relationship was crippling my own recovery and I could not afford to risk the well being of myself and my family for someone who refused to seek help and commit to treatment. This was eye opening. Thank you for the video.
This comment right here 👏🏾 SAME
I hope you're able to let go of the guilt.
I ended a friendship with a covert narc.
She used niceness and Christianity to try and control me. When I called her out and put her on the spot for some stuff she blocked me. She was more concerned about me hurting her feelings and had no consideration about hurting my feelings. I don't feel guilty, I feel proud that I stood up for myself and voiced my discontent over her blatantly lying to me and then acting like God didn't see all that. The discard was to be expected. A true friendship would have been able to navigate through the confrontation...but you can't reason with a narc and the coverts are hard to spot, but not impossible to spot once you've gained enough awareness and clarity.
Doing what's right for you and your own wellbeing should not make you feel ashamed or guilty, but I know it does because I've been the codependent and I've come out of a narcisstic environment and childhood myself and it seems to accept certain behaviors is just engrained in me.
I can finally trust in myself and my own judgements.
The time and energy I've spent to appease that friendship is time and energy I can invest in myself and into healing and I've opened up a space to find a more healthy friendship to come into my life 😊.
Recovery is possible.
It's also deepened my own faith.
I find these videos very helpful. I have BPD (I did read the warning) and though I am 30 yrs old just 2 weeks ago learned that I have this.
I am in no way offended as others on here seem to take things personally on this thread.
I am thankful your professionalism and expertise in explaining this illness to others that can't understand why others like me do the things we do.
And I understand more about myself that I now see that I couldn't recognize before see you video. Thankyou Miss. O
I know you posted this a year ago, but Can I ask how you finally got properly diagnosed?? Have been dealing with family member who has this and feel completely hopeless
Ross Rosenburg I have BPD and just want to say thank you for this video. I got my diagnosis about 7 years ago. I didn't take it too seriously at the time. Actually, it took getting sober to really realize something was seriously wrong with me. I got into a relationship before I understood my diagnosis. I'm still with him and still finding out more about BPD.Our relationship is struggling (surprise). Wanting to face things to do all I can to fix it is why I came to your video. I'm hoping he'll watch it too because I think he might be codependent. I want the best for him. I thank you again for this eye-opening video. Some of us with this disorder actually want to get better.
My best friend had borderline personality disorder due to an abusive and neglectful childhood and had a severe fear of abandonment. We were together for nearly 40 years but then she went for therapy and something switched. She became grandiose and switched to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I could not believe it and had to walk out when the cycle of rage, gaslighting, devalue and detachment started. I'm a serious person so I did not like the love bomb stage, it annoyed me and I cannot take people like this seriously. It was very confusing until I connected the dots. Most psychologist say they do not evolve from one state to another, I can emphatically state that they can. I know my friend better than anyone else in this world and I saw the switch. Unfortunately the friendship had to end but I know what I know.
Dr Rosenberg, I absolutely respect and appreciate your work. Thank you for what you do. I also think it’s important to mention that sometimes a person who suffers from Borderline PD has been sexually abused or traumatized but had a good childhood.
Thanks for addressing the Elephant in the room madam. That's what the point is often I have seen that people with BPD or narcissism had above average childhood and parents who were not abusive. Although their parents focused on their material needs and fully neglected their emotional needs, never let them male choices or independence and so they became codependent. My girl was Vulnerable Narcissist, although I firmly believe that she had hidden some part of her parenting from me.
If you were sexually abused you didn’t have a good childhood
I have BPD and have always been open to therapy. My mother, on the other hand, the person from whom I learned most of the distorted thinking and who has managed to escape detection, refuses to get help for BPD because she rationalizes away her symptoms. She is terrified to get a BPD diagnosis, partially because she will no longer be able to throw the label in my face when she's upset. The further I am away from my mother, the easier it is for me to heal and get better. Perhaps all people with BPD have things in common, but we are all very different, and some of us can put aside our pride and take the label in order to get help.
I have a question. Do all borderline have big egos? My ex wife seem to have ego bigger than world.
@@emilkadd As a sufferer myself, I often find that the 'ego' and narcissism is a cover for low self-esteem and a deep self-loathing. We will do anything to protect that wounded part of us; pretend to be perfect (even believing our own delusion to this point), blame other people for our shortcomings, ignore emotional input from others, and even cut people off who in any way appear to validate that underlying hatred of oneself.
Ladessa Keltner thank you.
Last question... if I may, does it matter to BPD leaving someone or being left?
@@emilkadd that depends on the person mostly, but generally, as people who live with the disorder, borderlines are terrified of being left.
Watch Sam vaknin videos about bpd. He is a psychiatrist and also a narcissist and primarily talks about npd. But he nails it about bpd. He says if there are a million people with bpd, then there are a million different unique types of BPD... And that they are all different. Only thing I don't like about how he talks about bpd.. He says "she"... My x is most definitely BPD...I know just from the comments here there are more men with it... Likely just undiagnosed.
This is great information regarding BPD. Thank you very much for your knowledge and commitment to educate. I've worked and lived with individuals with BPD and it is VERY hard to share a life where abandonment is a ongoing theme. I agree, BPD individuals have not fully maturated emotionally and are half-way towards becoming autonomous individuals. The goal is to help them reach their potential and further move away from being half-individuals. Great Stuff!!!
OMG i have listened to your audiobook!!! i want to say thank you so much for it! i have BPD, and that book helped me come to terms with my broken self. Thank you sincerely. Like, i need the love, especially since my grandparents who loved me so, so much, died, leaving me abandoned. While my parents "love" me, but my experience with them doesn't let me believe in them. i truly long to be loved by someone, completely, who would save me. Save me. i do fantasize about finding that love while also knowing that i would never get loved in reality, ever.
The video is to help the victims of severe physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse at the hands of a partner who has BPD. As long as I receive positive feedback that these videos validate their experience and gives them hope to heal their wounds, then the video has purpose, and will stay. Again, these videos are meant to help and support VICTIMS of the abuse perpetrated by those who have Borderline Personality Disorder. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to be compassionate to both sides when discussing the topic I chose. That is like me watering down my condemnation for sex addicts who cheat on their wife (and families) because of their addiction. Quite the contrary, I hold them responsible for their actions while giving them an opportunity to make amends, to achieve sobriety and recovery and to rebuild their lives. And because I provide psychotherapy to them, I am involved in this specific healing process. At the end of the day, I am a psychotherapist, not judge and executioner.
Wow. Just wow.
+Ross Don't you see that we are all victims? Stop demonizing people with disorders or addictions. Are you even aware of your own messiah complex perpetuated by your codependence?
+gb23 I am not wrong/we are both right. BPD and other forms of Pathological Narcissism is caused by a severely neglectful, depriving, and/or abusing childhood experience with a narcissistic parent. The lack of affection is EXTREMELY harmful to a developing child. This "attachment trauma" is the basis for the formation of BPD.
bpd people abused me growing up. hostile and dangerous are great words to use to describe them. horrible abuse.
Im 15 months in to a relationship with a BPD partner its destroying me!!
Same as above
Well, not all BPDs are the same, as has been mentioned. It's all a greyzone. Some are unfortunately out of reach, but many are fortunately not. I'm thinking BPD/NPD comorbids are the ones getting all the internet-attention and end up misrepresenting BPD as a whole. BPDs can indeed not all be lumped together, which is a good reminder for any BPDs watching this video and commenting. We are all unique.
This video you made was very informative.
I appreciate everything you did and taking the time to put this video out there so some many have a solid understanding of this issue.
This guy did an amazing job explaining everything and speaks in a way that’s blunt and very informative. I watched a lot of videos that bore me but this guy knows his stuff I 💯 agree with everything he said. Learning about the disorder is the firsts step & it’s starts hurting less once u figure out the root problem
This is so spot on! Every word you said it's frightening. My bpd partner of 3 years I have a son with, has just turned his back on both of us and physically blocked all ways of contact. This man acted like he could not function (that's what he use to say all the time) without me. After a dv relationship of 11 years myself, then I was on my own for 8 years as a result of that trauma , till I met him, this man swooped me off my feet . To cut a long story short, every time (but without a normal person's true justification I add ) he thought I may leave him (and I wasn't going to at all) he went back chasing his ex wife he has a child with. It's all been so intense and crazy and I feel like I've been on a spin cycle for 3 years and just been spat out on the kitchen floor and don't know what's happening. He's now chasing his ex wife who is really sweet (but he led me to believe was a monster) saying their marriage was more "healthy" and he's on a mission to get back with her and like we never existed (me and his son). I'm left upset, hurt, feeling like I'd never go near a man again, and he's chasing up a woman he divorced 3 years ago who he maintained he never really loved. Worst experience of my life! Help!
No One has the right or an excuse to abuse anyone as with the BPD who verbally abuse and give silent treatments for days on end for unknown reasons need to grow up and learn how to treat people. As adults it's time to take responsibility for ur actions.
Trying to teach a cluster b to treat people right and be accountable for their actions is like trying to get water from a stone. Unfortunately they are emotional toddlers in adult bodies.
@@ooodit Sounds like people can't be open to our diagnosis and just can't handle treating someone right in my opinion.
Thanks for such detailed explanations of this disorder. You basically described my current life situation and helped me Clarify some of my personal problems. My sons mother suffers from bpd, and after watching your video I'm the codependent person in that relationship. Looking back at how our relationship started and ended I honestly couldn't make any sense as to why things started off great at first and ended terribly. Your video helped me recognize my own faults in the relationship and also helped me be compassionate towards my sons mother.
Great points and video. Truth is first raged against.
A person is not a borderline. A person HAS borderline personality disorder. On a more supportive note, I appreciate that you offered a dialectical perspective to the disordered aspects of having the disorder.
DBT Peer Connections A very good point. I no longer use the term "a Borderline" to describe someone with BPD. My intention is not to malign the disorder or the person, but to help those who have been hurt by someone with BPD. I do see remarkable treatment results with those with BPD who seek treatment. Because I do not specialize in this form of treatment, I do not speak about it with any authority of confidence.
Ross Rosenberg thank you for all the knowledge you share!
I was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago, and have been in therapeutic treatment since then. I have also not had a relationship for about the same time. So I have been alone for years now (lots of good friends, no issues, good relationship with dad and younger brother, but have keep from contact with my cov.narc mother for the last couple of years) and do no longer feel the strong loneliness or emptiness. Is it, in your view, possible for a BPD diagnosed person to become a "full" person who can engage in a healthy, intimate relationship with another whole person?
bettybundgaard I was finally diagnosed two years ago. Single has always been easier for me. I am thinking of meeting another borderline. What a bond that could be. Just no weapons in the house.
DBT Peer Connections
"A person HAS borderline personality disorder."
I disagree.
You don't even have to HAVE a disorder. A few borderline traits will make the person equally toxic, with or without a proper diagnosis.
Hence, it's not that important what they are called.
The important thing is how to help the victims of their dysfunction because it really messes them up.
@@RossRosenberg Now that you have said that you are not familiar with DBT Therapy so you can't fully speak about it explains it. It explains how you make those of us with BPD feel like second class citizens. I fully understand the pain and trauma those on the other side of us go through. But having the illness and hating it, I could not continue to watch your videos. Maybe you should familiarize yourself with the treatment.
I have BPD and this is all so true. And people shouldn’t be offended by the term half person. Because that’s what I feel. Just because it’s blunt, it doesn’t mean that it’s not true.
very insightful thank you, I recently met someone and I was confused by their behavior. but this really cleared a lot of things for me. I hope he will get help someday, I cannot do a things for him at this time, except maybe pray for him.
Ya had me until you said we lack self awareness. I’ve been extremely self aware of exactly what it is for over ten years
@aquarius dreams you bet what?
Sounds like you’ve got quite a lot of emotional baggage. Especially to be taking it out on a stranger on UA-cam. I hope you find the peace you need 🖤
Are you ok
Me too, I have EXTREME REMORSE AND GUILT. It eats me away at night.
Lack of change in behavior & constantly blaming the other person while not verbalizing any responsibility in the conflict just screams lack of self awareness so you can understand why he'd say that lol
I have BPD and I know that I'll be spending the rest of my life alone and unloved.
I have been lonely all my life. Then I met my ex, who had borderline I think. Im still healing from it. My soul is in pieces
My ex wife was BPD. They really do leave an ugly mark. No matter how ppl in comments or gentleman in video trying to make them seem as an ok ppl... They are just evil. It's a fact
@@emilkadd they are not. They are in pain. I guess your ex wife was abusive, but the majority of ppl with bpd don't want to hurt anyone.
SCRATCHY sure sure, tell that to hundreds maybe even thousands of guys and girls they left almost at suicidal stage! Fuck them
@@emilkadd Most of them probably deserved it honestly.
That's exactly how I feel about my ex :-(
I think you're spot on on your analysis. Thank you for the videos
omg this is such a revelation to me. Everything makes sense to me now. I always wondered why my friends could not understand that intense love feeling.
This is important and relevant to me. I almost died trying to keep a family together with someone who has BPD, and I ended up loosing everything, ended up in jail, and homeless. I knew something was wrong soon after we had our child. I tried leaving her many many times but at that time I was not fully aware of the effects of Border Line Personality Disorder. I don't care what the comments say I KNOW BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AT AN EXTREME LEVEL and this video exceeds relevance. She ruined my life.... and right now she is working on ruining someone else. However; he may be described as the codependent. They got married only two months after meeting. He is a prison convict who uses Meth and Heroine.
Matthew Tiller whatdid you notice after the child
Exact same story.
Same situation, 10 years of my life down the toilet essentially.
Hi, l have a boyfriend with this desorder, he is very calm and nice person but in 20 minutes he becomes in a monster , very agresive , he talks with my friends from Facebook, and he wants to talk bad things about me , l feel so sad
Take accountability for your own actions dude. If you end up in prison or on drugs it's your own stupid fault. Grow up.
i have bpd and i am so happy to be loved by my boyfriend since 2016 ! he never gets mad, he is patient, he loves me with this disorder cause is part of me ! I am also lucky having a supportive family and I recieve the love I need daily... I hope everyone finds happiness and the love they deserve 💓
Thanks so much for sharing. 💙
I love my borderline bf and want to make in work. I understand all of it and still willing to stay. Any tips?
@@kristentaninah510your a goat
Wow... I was just diagnosed with BPD...came on UA-cam to find info... it’s nice to find out that you think I’m only half a person... incredibly insightful...it’s amazing to me that you think your a professional... do you treat a lot of half people? Absolutely demeaning...
I was diagnosed with bi polar 10years before I found out I was actually BPD. I had an episode that cost me my marriage, my family, and I could have lost my daughter.
This episode landed my in the hospital against my will, where I spent the first 3 days seduced and restrained. I hit my rock bottom when my daughter came in and I saw the devastation and disappointment and lost look in her eyes, as she never once saw me have an episode and we had a strong and loving relationship, and it broke me to see her like that.
It was my 12 year old daughter that gave me the strength, the unconditional love, the want/desire, the hope and the will to really want to take a good look at myself down to the core and get serious intensive help. I stayed willingly at the hospital for 5 weeks where I started learning my triggers and I was introduced to the basics of DBT therapy. I then did an everyday 8-5pm for 30 days out patient program consisting of therapy, CBT, emotion regulation strategies etc etc. It helped more than you could ever imagine, it changed my life really, however the hardest part for me is implementing it everyday all day because it really is changing the way you think entirely, but I'm getting there, and I am trying. I start the full one year DBT program in 2 weeks and I'm so excited and grateful for all of it.
BPD people CAN change, it just a matter of looking admitting and accepting your deep to the core traits, and characteristics and behaviors. Then learning about yourself, your diagnosis, the cause, and the treatment options. Then get the therapy you need and take courses till you know the stuff inside and out and feel like you have enough "tools in your toolbox" to handle your most intensive thoughts and moments, then Maintain Maintain Maintain!
*No. I have BPD and my parents and childhood was for the most part good, so you can't blame that.*
Thank you. As a single-mother who did everything I could for my child, I was heartbroken to read that BPD is my fault. AURGH!!! She came in this way, I fled from her father when she was nearly 4.
Sandra Larsen CPT It isn't your fault whatsoever my parents always cared for me and they did the best they could to raise me what I think made me develop this disorder is bullying, getting abandoned by people I loved and being used by people in general in fact I believe that without my parents I wouldn't be here because I used to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies what I'm trying to say is that many things can be the cause of the development of this disorder I don't think it is your fault at all so please do not blame yourself
Yup. I have one child with borderline and two other children who don't have any 'disorder' - but my youngest were born blue and I suspect some sort of damage of the frontal lobes.
My daughter has bpd. She has two parents that where always there for her and a huge extended family full of loving people. To say that all bpd individuals where subjected to abuse or neglect is false.
I know, anecdotal evidence all over this ...
I am just beginning to understand how my parents got together, mom's obsession with dad, my lack of bonding, my many life failures. This video helps me greatly, I don't feel so guilty!
I have BPD. I am educating myself because I want to change my ways and recover. I am just starting this video, so bring on the aggravation. I need it. Hoping this video really kicks my ass.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - Marcia M. Linehan - is a very successful treatment for BPD.
@Deb's Intuitive Talks, agreed. All known therapies not using violence are useless. Cognitive therapy sounds great in the classroom but the BPD is just too childish and too addicted to having tantrums for any progress. The BPD needs to be treated for containment of their toxicity. A non-violent cure is impossible. Short of beating the BPD to being blind, crippled, and mute, there is no known cure and any talk therapy just enables their bad behavior. Near fatal beating on a BPD actually works but only from containing their toxicity by making it difficult to do physical and emotional abuse.
What exactly is that
This is such excellent information, thank you!
A great video which has opened my eyes. Its also sad and brings back memories I just understand now! Not that it would have made a difference other than extend the pain!
+ Ross , thank you so much for your amazing educational videos, I am so excited to learn more from your videos. I might have BPD, at least complex PTSD, and I am really excited to try dialectic therapy. I just wanted to point out that I think borderlines may actually have a much greater potential for a change versus other cluster B disordered people. Thanks again!!!
I have been in therapy over 40 years looking for help. I knew I have problems but I was with my wife for 33 years. I believed we had a great marriage and didn't even know there was a problem. I was NOT a perfect husband but I WAS a near perfect father. A year ago I got BADLY physically hurt in a pedestrian hit and run. There were like at least 5 stressors that hit us all at once. My wife left me and turned my children against me. I have not seen them in over a year. 4 days AFTER she left my therapist of SIX YEARS decided I have BPD, Bi-polar and we knew about ADHD, depression and PTSD. My wife says sorry too late. The sweet, perfect, wonderful wife I thought I had has become mean spirited and refuses to even consider anything I have to say. She seems to go out of her way to hurt me. I have been suicidal many times and last night came close. YOUR VIDEO HAS CONVINCED ME I HAVE NO HOPE. Thank you for that.
Hang in there thought about suicide over and over. Wife did the same thing to me after 23 years. It is absolutely an insane roller coaster dude. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. These people are super toxic and a lot of cases and I think hormones has a lot to do with Symptoms surfacing. It doesn’t make sense to be thrown away like trash after so long of sharing our heart mind and soul. I’ll never understand but we have to stay strong.
I am a PERSON diagnosed with BPD. Stop calling us Borderlines. You would get a lot less criticism if you stopped talking about us like we are animals.
!
+Patrick Scalley TOTALLY AGREE!!
I have it too. With this video it pretty much is saying I am un-loveable.
rachel diederich I KNOW!!
+Patrick Scalley So maybe what works for '' us '', the normal boring pleb, works for you too?
AKA, taking responsibilities of our acts and not feeling like we're the center of the damn Universe?
If I hurt someone I expect him to feel hurt, not to feel my own pain. Same goes for you. Actually, I doubt that BPD who really make other suffers are around here, since those who are very painful to others refuse to think that they have a problem in the first place.
If you know who you are and how you act, why is it so hard for you to imagine that maybe, somebody with BPD, can make other suffers. You deserve treatment and compassion, but those who are hurt by BPD persons don't? this guy isn't here for you, he said it multiple times.
Yes, I use the term '' BPD '', but I talk to you like I would to anyone else. You're not an animal? prove it. Nobody said it's easy to be an adult. To be balanced. First step is to take responsibilities. The world doesn't give a fuck about any of us and that's perfectly fine. I don't need to be a monster to deal with it, or to complain about it and ask the world to treat me well neither. I am the only one I need to make the right decisions. This is what being an adult is, everybody deserves compassion. Give it if you want it. Give it to those you may have hurt. Healing and growing can be painful.
I wish you all the best and I'm sure you're doing the right efforts to be better with yourself and others. Again, this video isn't for you, and the worst individuals are out there, ignoring themselves. Not here.