Dating Someone With BPD - 5 Things You Need To Know
Вставка
- Опубліковано 13 тра 2024
- Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often encounter unpredictable emotional fluctuations and other symptoms that contribute to turbulent relationships. This video aims to explain five essential insights to enhance your understanding and guide you through the complexities of being involved in a romantic relationship with a partner who has BPD.
Clips from Prozac Nation and Silver Linnings Playbook
For information about my Toxic Relationship Recovery online course: liseleblanc.com/toxic-relatio...
To download my 5 Toxic Tactics Report: liseleblanc.com/optin-toxic-t...
Please SUBSCRIBE for new videos every Monday and hit the notification bell so you don't miss anything! I would so greatly appreciate it. 💜
/ @liseleblanc
If you have an idea of something you want me to talk about, please let me know because I take your requests seriously!
About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
For information about private consultations, please visit my website:
liseleblanc.ca/products/coaching
CONTACT LISE LEBLANC Through Other Platforms:
/ liseleblanc.ca
liseleblanc...
DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. All content is for general information purposes only and does not replace a mental health care of consultation with a health professional.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
0:00-1:35: Introduction
1:35-6:19: #1: Idealization and Devaluation
6:19-9:28: #2: Crushing Fears
9:28-10:54: #3: Suicide and Self-Harm
10:54-12:38: #4 Instability
12:38-14:08: #5 Anger and Rage
14:08-15:11: Conclusion
#BPD; #borderlinepersonalitydisorder ; #borderline ; #narcissist
I think after 6 months of watching videos on BPD, this is the one that describes the relationship with my ex pwBPD the best.
No rage or suicidal ideation, but idealization and devaluation, engulfment and abandonment, impulsivity was there. Dumping me 24 hours after I plan a weekend away over a misunderstanding, blaming my communication "style" as the sole cause of problems. Every time we had a micro-breakup, she would be dating some random guy within a day or two. Spent months trying to show I wouldn't abandon her. Finally caught her Tindering while we were together. Utter shitshow.
Did we date the same girl? I went through similar and I'm still mentally worn out from it. When you walked away did she bombard you with non stop messages, love songs, voicemails etc? I had to change my number with how bad it got and she was blocked on everything but could still leave voicemails or message via different numbers.
Agreed. This is the absolute best explanation I’ve heard.
I feel you brother.
Broke up with my boyfriend 3 times in the span of maybe two months Max.
Also had to do with hormones to be fair , birth control implant removal and reinstalling kept getting rescheduled.
Very similar story here. It was all about me proving to her I wouldn't abandon her. When she understood I wouldn't, she cheated and lied, and discarded me. I learnt she had other things going by then. Only later on did it hit me that she never assured me she wouldn't leave me... it was all about assurances I'd never leave her lol. I confronted her about it, telling her isn't the Golden Rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Silence. After several months of shock, anger, self-pity, false hoping, wanting to be dead... the peace is palpable. But they really do send you into a whirl when they devalue and discard, usually at the worst moment.
I've been in relationships with two bpd women. The splitting and extreme devaluation, hateful attacks and gaslighting drove me to a deep depression. I suspect i am drawn to them because I'm seeking to recreate/heal from my own childhood trauma. I also suspect bpd is diagnosed more in women than men because many men with bpd probably commit suicide or end up in prison rather than seeking or getting help.
Yep, men are probably more likely to be labeled anti-social personality (when they're really BPD). Men also don't seek help as often, so they are never diagnosed or end up dead or in prison.
Accurate accurate accurate. I appreciate you and im glad you’re here
I would probably be able to cope with my now ex wife's instability, but I couldn't get over cheating, so first time I discovered it, I just dumped her and threw her out from my house. This is just absolutely unacceptable. I don't care about your problems if you cheat on me. I can help you if you're loyal, but what is the purpose of relationship with cheating? I despise such people.
Pure disgust comes up
How can I be loyal to someone who doesn't want me ?
I'm being loyal to the person they are in that incident.
Maybe means
I feel you don't like me as much as you did, you like someone else more, you're obsessed with them why not me how could you not be obsessed with me if you're gonna obsess over someone
There is no purpose to it. At some level, she is not rational or in control of her actions and words. The goal is to make those close to her as miserable and anguished as she is from the internal trauma. Good on you to get out.
The cheating and insanely "adventurous" past did it for me. They don't offer security in a relationship.
From someone who tried their absolute best to make it work with a diagnosed BPD girlfriend who was well into treatment, there is only one thing you need to know: Leave. She will not suddenly be cured and become a wonderful partner. She will not have miraculous breakthroughs. She will continue to make you life a walking on eggshells nightmare.
So you werent a strong enough person to go to couples therapy? Fun. We do get better but sounds like you ran like a lil girl before any work
Even if they do getting better which I personally have never heard of, they can always regress like an addict.
@@user-go7zy3fc5f yes we relapse. You just have to have the boundaries and the balls enough to implement them. Otherwise, we walk all over pushovers like you. You cant be a Beta male you have to be an ALPHA! Trust i don't behave like an ass around my husband because he don't put up with that shit... like i said you have to be strong to be with us. You should run though
It's not just you guys testing boundaries, BPD is much deeper than that. From mood swings to hallucinations. I personally don't need that in my life and I wouldn't advise anyone else to have it in their life either. Also, BPD's are very calculated so they don't even respond well to setting boundaries. I'd prefer to just have a normal partner who responds well to boundaries, has a stable mood, isn't impulsive, and doesn't hallucinate.
Also, you don't even know me. Being hypersensitive and devaluing others is typical BPD behavior. Splitting over a YT comment is crazy lol. Smh, seek help. @@Bre273
@@Bre273get his ass queen
Ironically, the day this video was uploaded (May 1st 2023) I married a beautiful woman who I thought was my best friend and world. I mistakenly thought once the vows were taken that, her symptoms would decrease knowing I had given my life to her. I was so wrong. Within days everything got 10X worse. I couldn’t tell her I loved her enough. I couldn’t hold her, look her in the eyes and say it with anymore conviction. She was hot and cold all summer and into this fall. The more I tried to keep the peace, show love and fix everything she thought was wrong, the worse she got and I was always lying in her mind. She’d make up scenarios where I was doing things I’d never consider doing. The fact that we had just taken vows never entered her mind. I was still a liar and didn’t love her in her mind. Now as I sit here heartbroken just over 6 months later, I’m waiting for my divorce papers. I didn’t understand who I was marrying. I was naive at the age of 47. I’m ashamed to even look at my family who are dumbfounded at a marriage that lasted barely 6 months. The grief and anger at me wasting so much time on someone who won’t listen to anything I say, second guessing my own judgement now like never before, the feeling that I was happy as can be not long ago to, being to the point where I’m falling into my own mental darkness and depression. All I wanted was to fix her and, it’s only at this moment I realize that wasn’t ever possible. She’s completely discarded me now. I have to let her go. What a nightmare. I’m still madly in love with my new wife that I can never be with. Thanks for reading my ramblings and I hope non of you experience this level of pain.
So sorry to hear. I'm going through the same thing with my girlfriend. We came to Colorado to visit her son and new baby. She staying with him, and I'm at the hotel because her grandson is a newborn. Long story short, last night she texted me to tell me she was going to stay with me at tge hotel for one of tge nights. Well, when i finally picked her up to have dinner, she started questioning me why i had mints in the car, and started to accuse me that i probably was out drinking and brought a girl into the hotel. (Of which I would never do to her) Long story short, i took her back to her son's because she didn't want to stay with me because she thought i was a liar and called me everything in the book. I've been in the hotel pretty depressed. (This is the 4th time she has this kind of rage with me) I've been scrolling through different videos to help me cope. She texted me last night that she wasn't flying back with me and that she was staying another week. We also had plans for Thanksgiving, now I'm here and evey hour in the hotel seems like an eternity. I love her soo much, and have been trying my hardest to help her, but it's a loosing battle. And just like you, I still love her soo much that I keep telling myself that we will get through this.
I feel your pain
Hi pal, I don't know you, but if you need someone to talk to reach out.
Have a nice week and happy holidays.
No man should have to have the capacity to deal with women who behave in such ways. Men, in my personal opinion, need to see themselves as kings and stop pedestalizing women. Once a man puts a woman up like that, you tolerant things you shouldn't. When you're a king, you have the ability to set boundaries at the beginning, and you have the strength to kick her out. This attitude comes with experience, or observation, of other people's relationship blunders. Thankfully, there is a plethora of resources like this channel out there to save us some pain.
BPD do not discard people, Narcissists do.
BPD, for me, is like having two of me in my brain. The emotional me, and the logical me. They can talk for the most part. But sometimes, its like theres a glass wall between them. They can see eachother but not communicate.
The wolf vs angel entity is really a good description too.
Thank you for making these videos, i never want to be this kind of girlfriend to somebody.
It's called being a psycho
@George Sparks BPD women aren't too psycho for you to have one night stands with them. I really don't care what a pervert says to me.
Omg yes this is what I say to my therapist that I feel like my brain is split in 2, the emotional side and the logical side....It makes it so confusing, draining and stressful....
thats how it it for me but, I wasn't aware of it until I was in a very push-pull relationship that I disagreed with myself often.. I began integrating my shadow and she started talking with me. I had a traumatic brain injury as a child right in the center of my head between my eyes. age 4.
Never date
1. Run
2. Run
3. Run
4. Run
5. Run
All mental health issues can be treated.
Run
Run
RUN
RUNNNNNNN
incase you didn't hear this man. He's 100% right. the moment you hear BPD, you run.
🧢@@disastermary
yes we relapse. You just have to have the boundaries and the balls enough to implement them. Otherwise, we walk all over pushovers like you. You cant be a Beta male you have to be an ALPHA! Trust i don't behave like an ass around my husband because he don't put up with that shit... like i said you have to be strong to be with us.
they deserve a chance at love, too.
The cognitive dissonance that results when you are raged at & devalued is like a car crash to the system. One moment you feel so loved and cherished and then , you walk across the hall, and suddenly you're being raged at because you put a spoon in the wrong drawer in the kitchen. It's THAT random & petty and the rage is so disproportionate to anything you've done (sometimes there is no reason whatsoever!).
You go into such a depression because your partner has become a monster and whatever you do or say doesn't help.
RUN FOREST RUN. 8 billion people in the world and life is too short to tolerate such shit.
yep, 100% agree the volatility in their emotions can be really abusive to a stable individual.
Stay single, don't date or marry and go total MGTOW/Monk mode...and live in peace.
The rage isn't over the spoon. It's over things they've bottled up or about how they feel less than. I'm not condoning the behaviour but it's important to have sympathy and understanding for sufferers of mental health disorders. It's not their fault that their brains are wired that way!
@@Shannon_Robbie people dont care. This "doctor" is pretty fucked up for letting all the abusive comments continue. Ive been in treatment and im doing really well. And then I read comments on videos like this and wonder. Why do even try to be with people then
@@Bre273Right! I noticed she "loved" the original persons comment. Which struck me as odd!
Wow, you`re so right. I was married to a BPD woman. And that`s 100% her, she developed into an alcoholic, would flip from being loving, to tell me, I should get out of her life. Then the next day, she conveniently would have forgotten everything, and didn`t want me to go. It ended even with 2 suicide attempts and 4 days in coma. Now, I`m happily divorced and I blocked her.
@Emma Jean if a man in a relationship had anger outburst and similar traits, would you say it sounded like his wife didn't know how to soothe him? No- We would keep him accountable, equally we will keep the women accountable.
Have you tried soothing someone who:
- has made you feel worthless?
- who has betrayed your trust?
- who is not willing to aknowledge and take steps to change?
How long would you continue to try to soothe them?
@@The_Sherpard My Ex wife was actually diagnosed to have BPD by several Psychiatrists, because she kept jumping from Psychiatrist to Psychiatrists, as she didn`t feel the medications would make her better. So she decided herself to one day take them, then the other day not...soe she was on and off her meds. And the culmination of the events endend in an OD of sleeping pills.
@Emma Jean It seems you haven't watched or paid attention to any videos on this channel. People with BPD will do what they do, no matter what their partners do.
@@leila7998 Just ignore her, there is no use explaining to her. pwBPDs tend to take things very personally and project blame to others. Look at the comment, blaming the normal partner ("don't know how to soothe her") for the actions/behaviours of the pwBPDs (being alcoholic, push/push, self harms). It is inconscionable making one person bear the responsibilities for the actions of others.
@@The_Sherpard you’re wrong. with bpd the sufferer cannot control the push-pull, the love bombing, the manipulation, and it is up to both parties to contribute effort. if you do not struggle with bpd please do not speak on this matter; as you truly have no clue how emotionally taxing it is on the borderline knowing that they cannot love someone without putting them on a rollercoaster. as opposed to a non-neurodiverse man who is choosing to manipulate stemming from a healthy brain without cognitive deficits, it is not the same thing.
i hope this was insightful.
Lise, I remember asking my BPD girlfriend (before I understood BPD), "What happened to my kind sensitive Clara?" To which dominate Sadistic Clara responded, "She doesn't exist." True story.
Asked same question, her answer was "i can't always be nice and cute"
Wow. That’s really scary
In an already craze situation that would still catch anyone off guard.
It's like the exorcist 😮
It's called "dissociation".
My ex pushed me further than I've ever been, she'd be in my face yelling at me to hit her saying "you know you want to". I never wanted to or ever would but I told her some guy might.
To which she'd reply, "so you think I deserve to be hit do you".
For me a totally impossible relationship no matter how hard I tried.
She never tried the 'I need a real guy that can hit me'...
Crazy stuff
Classic ex 😂
She use to say this to her ex. She knew I’d never hit her even when she was hitting me. It is kinda funny as her punches were so weak. Obviously no fun but I can laugh about it now
I'm lost trying to figure my wife out. I finally had to get away from her. I love what she is 50% of the time but lord the other. This video is really close to my wife. I actually had to leave because she frustrated me enough one night that I started screaming at her and called her a narcissistic lying C word. That's when I knew I had to go
Can relate, for the first time I felt I would physically defend myself from her rage. I'm considering a break. We've been dating for 4 years. Constantly being told I'm cheating on her. We work together in our own business at home and stay together. We are almost never apart. It has also gotten difficult because she is accusing me of being involved with co-workers. They all work remotely, so we or I hardly meet with them in person.
Yep.. we’ve been there
I called her a used up 40 year old “pussycat”
I knew I hit a low point when I started throwing insults back. And I didn’t want to be that type of guy.
That’s really tough. I’m sorry to hear. How long have you been married to her? And has anything changed since you first left your comment? Finally, has she been in therapy at all?
@@bernarddt Mine was also obsessed with the cheating, but at the end she was the one cheating
Living with a DPD person is "doing the same thing repeatedly, and expecting different results is the definition of insanity,"
I’ve suffered with depression almost my whole life so I understand emotional pain better then most. Dealing with devaluation and getting discarded by my ex with bpd was soul shattering. Nothing I did or tried could stop the devaluation dominos once it triggered. You just watch as the person you thought was the love of your life slowly push you away and replace you like you meant nothing to them.
Did she ever reach back out to you and try to get back together?
I understand. Been there
Have you ever had the thought. Why are you attached to someone that never loved you. Never will. Can’t
Why chase a false reality?
That’s like wanting to roll with telling people the sky is purple. That would be crazy making. It’s blue. Everyone sees blue. So why are you hung up on a false reality .. switch to the facts and free yourself from the misery
How awful. I’m very sorry that this was your experience and eventual outcome. I recently started dating someone with BPD. She told me this in the first few weeks of our relationship, and I had never understood BPD so I am now doing my research given that her and I feel so in love and are even discussing marriage. But what I am learning about BPD is honestly frightening.
@@smacosta1314 do not get married to her for a LONG time. You will see how things are. Be smart
I feel that every time I get back with my bpd ex being hopeful. I'm trying to be better
I will send this to people who don't understand why I don't date. I don't want to traumatize anyone, that shit is dangerous.
I dated a woman in her early thirties that told me she was diagnosed with BPD. I met her with when the sweat loveable side was very nice and quickly learned the mean nasty side was horrid and degrading . When mixed with alcohol it because outright scary and I had to end the relationship.
Sounds all too familiar. Hope you found happiness on the other side of that relationship
Keep sharing your personal life dummy
As someone with BPD, it sucks that so mamy of you were hurt by this illness. BPD is nasty and some of us had no idea what the hell it even meant.
Borderline sounded like the border
Between sain and insane and it took one sweet counselor to even explain what it meant! The unstable emotions, push and pull, the splitting; none of this was even explained when i was first diagnosed in 2008.
15 years later and i have a better grasp on my emotions.
It took me doing Cognitive behavioral therapy to better myself and while i do have slip ups with my moods, especially when I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, it is no where near as bad as it was before I got help. Still, dating is off the table at the moment after sad breakup i had. I guess im that BPD dude who still holds feelings for past relationships instead of going for the next person like i used to when i was first disgnosed. 😂
It's positive that you're putting in the work, though. I'm a female with BPD who has been through private counselling, CBT and take medication.
There's a lot of hate in this common section 😂 I think all relationships require work, an open mind and a lot of awareness of our symptoms and tendencies. I'm sorry for your last heartbreak and hope that the next relationship you have is a better experience.
Keep on keeping on!
I recently got out of a 15 year relationship with a borderline that included marriage and two beautiful kids. At the start, BPD wasn’t even on my radar screen. Now I feel like an expert. There were days and nights that I felt had aged me years. It’s amazing how resilient the human psyche can actually be.
You’ve got to be 170.
I was with one for one year and lost ten years of my life to stress dealing with her. Sleepless nights arguing till sun up. . . .
That’s a very long run to be with someone with BPD. Was she ever in therapy and did it help?
I began dating a woman who's going threw a bad divorce.however even with that she mentioned long struggles with mental health.
The splitting behavior ,push and pull, emotional roller coater ride describe this woman.
One day she's incredible the next futile and sabotaging.
What stands out to me is that she doesn't appear to recognize when her negative actions cause others to distance themselves and blames others for these type of scenarios.
Dude run
Second never ever date a person in divorce let alone just right out of a fresh divorce
Just run. Save yourself your sanity. The sex ain’t worth it. We will all tell you that!
I was the one who walked away. Went no contact. Over two months now. She's not once texted me or called. I unfriended her on socials. She'd still "like" and comment on MY friends pages. Post attention getting posts. But I didn't budge. She did the smear campaign. Then, she tried to friend request me. I didn't respond. Days after, she simply blocked me. Seems like she's perfectly fine with never seeing me again. Most likely already has another person. We dated a year. Honestly thought I was gonna marry her. Even her daughters loved me.
She found a new supply. Consider yourself fortunate and don't pick a borderline to be with now that you know how they are.
Michael King, it seems you are commenting in the wrong place, here is the empathic corner of UA-cam not your regular brawl house "oh I know how to live life better than others". Here is a channel where the whole fing point is helping people cope with their problems without destroying the bricks layed out. That said, you can go and look for some therapy to take care of your own sociopathic tendencies.
Would advise to stop conducting intimate relationships over facebook, probably better she blocked you on there as she probably knew she was being needy and wanted to stop herself , doesnt mean you are blocked face to face, move on but dont be mean to her this is a mental disorder.. as long as she tries and is a good person when regulated u should have compassion for her.
Face to face meaning in person
@gammypage I'm not a mean man. I honestly do understand that the disorder is a part of her. Maybe you're correct. But when her rage became a physical thing. I had to make a decision. I don't post intimate things on socials. Or passive aggressive content. I just moved on. Albeit with a broken heart.
A relief knowing I'm not a narcissist, but I still have BPD. I don't want to be hot and cold 😢....I want to change, why is life so hard
try yoga, mindfulness, and therapy 🙏 I wish you the best 😊
@@Tranquil_Hobby Thank you, really appreciated
DBT therapy seems really helpful. I've also found solace in a private counsellor who has helped me through a lot of trauma. You will be okay and it's great that you want to change things. Be kind to yourself.
@@disastermary Thank you
This has been helpful. My BPD partner was telling me she loved me every ten minutes one day, the next day, she hated me and threw me out over nothing. We haven't spoken since. three years now.
You're better off, they have no souls.
You say there is a lack of support for men who have BPD partners….how about women who have intimate female partners? Total lack of info on this too. Thank you for your input on BPD. I just wish there was more information on the dynamics of homosexual relationships male or female.
For the last two years I dated my ex. It has been the craziest roller coaster I’ve e er been on. She was my best friend. She was perfect in every way. In every way other than the nonstop rage and everything else you talk about. This is a horrible illness.
What people won’t tell you is it’ll take forever, if at all for someone with bpd to see results. It’s much better for you to leave them because only they can help themselves. It's in everyone’s best interest honestly to leave because it's doing damage to both parties, of course one more than the other. They have a lot to deal with and if they’re just realizing it, it’s best for both of you to separate.
yup, you cannot fix them, and the road they are on will be hell for you
Exceptional explanation of the borderlines challenges and engagement with (significant) others. Very well-rounded, succinct, high-level but specific enough to be easily relatable to those that have experienced this type of relationship. After binging many of these types of videos on UA-cam - some of which are also excellent - the overview and insight here is most relatable and provided comparatively bite-sized, easily consumable knowledge that is easy to apply to one’s situation. Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom and guidance. Very helpful.
Thank you for this positive feedback, I appreciate it!
I’ve watched several videos of yours and although what you describe most definitely has a basis, I do not fully align with the way you talk about BPD individuals, especially females.
Instead of putting in the effort to understand people who struggle with this disorder, I feel like they are being pointed at. I, myself have BPD and I’m 21yo (INFJ). As a psychology enthusiast I’ve been doing the most to understand the human psyche, including myself, cuz I never truly felt understood in my environment.
What I’ve come to realise is that as much as BPD people appear intense and malicious, going from 0 to 100 in a blink of an eye, what’s really happening is they are just being heavily triggered. And yes, when triggered the result is far from pretty. Communication is key here if you ask me. I’ve had people in my environment who would intensify my BPD in the worst ways possible by being ironic, degrading me, questioning my abilities, abandoning me. But then again I’ve been around people who were patient with me, supported my growth, helped me communicate/express feelings, feel safe to trust, resolve conflict. So if you’re dating a BPD female and she’s making your life “living hell”, you’re either ignorant towards her needs or don’t know how to stand by her side and help her heal. I’m not saying it’s an easy task, but I think we are (wrongly) being portrayed as these ugly monsters that find it fun torturing people. No. We just deeply fear abandonment and dissociate upon sensing uncertainty/unsafety. But nobody goes deep down to the root of the problem. It’s like we perform preemptive strikes once we sense we lose our safety ground. We are deeply fearful and insecure that we will not be chosen, the ones we love will abandon/betray us and that we’ll never feel safe/loved.
I’m not saying by any means one shall stay with a BPD person if they can’t handle it, but I just wish there was more understanding for people like us.
For women almost everything is feelings. They understand the world through emotional lenses. Someone with BPD experiences feelings x10 more intensified. To the average person the things a BPD female could get triggered by might seem irrational and of minor importance, but to her sphere of understanding it matters cuz it’s her reality, it’s how she understands things. I just wish there was a bit more compassion and genuine interest to understand/help people instead of pointing fingers as if they’re the worst thing on earth. Everyone is fighting their own battles and inner demons.
Thank you sooo much for describing this from your perspective. It makes a difference for me. The one thing I would say is that you sound very much aware of your situation and what specifically it is you need and can speak to you needs. You seem like someone that is further along then most. In my situation, my lady doesn’t have the awareness or even the understanding that there is any abandonment issues or anything else at play. Seldom is able to articulate why to anything or what she needs. And it feels like those needs also change.
The kicker becomes when we can’t deal with one issue and even though I’ve decided to take full responsibility for 98% of any issue to close the time to resolving.
It becomes something totally different that escalates and becomes weeks of stonewalling and alienating. Unless I step in and reassure her and comfort her for a couple of days more.
Because even if it isn’t my fault, she’ll never take responsibility without two days of nonsense for a weak “I’m sorry”. Followed by weeks of stonewalling unless I go running to apologize and take it off her.
I’d love for her to be able to understand what’s happening, tell me how to help what to say how not to set off triggers. RN, she probably couldn’t even explain her triggers
I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by my partner with BPD for a while now. It’s really taken a toll. I tried my best to understand and to de-escalate situations. Sometimes no amount of love or understanding or patience will solve the issue. Sometimes you just gotta GTFO and save yourself. I believe this video is more for the victims of people with BPD rather than the people with the disorder.
Ty xxx
So how come my partner of 18 months kept finishing me and it was always me begging her back if BPD sufferers fear abandonment? I gave my everything and now it’s me that has CPTSD and severe depression yet I was totally balanced when we met 18 months ago. She blocked me and reported me to the police when I tried to win her back the last time. Brutal.
Agree xxx
Really useful Lisa. You’ve described my partner 100%. It’s certainly had its challenges. Thankyou
Miss Leblanc... You are absolutely awesome in describing the exact scenarios of the BPD. Your videos were very helpful to understand the psychology and the steps to be taken. I am with a potential BPD partner and watching your suggestions and procedure really helps me to deal with her. Being someone who is into therapy myself for a different issue, your videos are really helping a lot to cope up and stay sane. Thank you for your excellent service.
I’m happy to hear that you’re finding my content helpful! Have you seen this one? How to Support A Partner With BPD
ua-cam.com/video/j2-P0J8ezLs/v-deo.html
Another great and detailed video Thank you Lise! I learned so mutch from her videos!
Thank you for the work that you do. I've signed up for your recovery program and your insight has been incredibly helpful. Keep up the great work
Thank you Brandon, I’m happy to hear that you are on your healing journey!
Thank you for covering BPD, as there's not many who do. Your videos are so helpful in navigating relationships with them. So far I've dealt with 2 people in my life with this & I now am growing confident in how to deal with them. So thank you for all you do!
The many stories I've heard, sounds exhausting, and I'm a very patient person....but not gonna add that level of complexity to my life. Great informative video!
Thank you Lise. You’re an angel! You basically described the past 6 years of my life. I needed to hear this from someone else because I always thought this to be the truth of what’s going on.
@Lise Leblanc You specialize in some really thorny areas of human life... things I know hardly anything about. Thank you for your contribution to society, though it knocks my psychological socks off..
Thank you for your videos! I wish I would've discovered them faster. Been through some tough moments recently after separating with a bpd woman, and your videos made me see a better picture, appreciate it!
Spot on. I am trying my best to get help for my wife who I am convinced has bpd. She denied anything is wrong and says it's none of my business and doesn't feel safe talking to me about it. We have two small kids and have been separated for a year. I think she has gotten some counseling but not sure if being treated for bpd. She is on medication for off label treatment of bpd. I've been bending over backwards for her. I've heard every complaint she voiced. I even got a new job so that i could have Healthcare since she had it with her job that she hates and she could quit and be happy but she didn't want to quit her job. I'm not without fault and unintentionally hurt her very deeply and am so sorry, but I'm at my wits end and not sure how much longer I can continue if something doesn't change. I love her and our family and want both back.
I am this 100% and I am very aware of the toxicity and consequences. Therefore the guilt afterwards is huge! The self destructive behavior is something I prefer to do in private, I don't feel the need to use it
Perfect cover shot I should say😮 this is EXACTLY the face I've seen most time on my BPD ex😢 it can express full spectrum of emotions by the way, depending on circumstances, from well suppressed lust to disgust
I am so grateful for your videos, they’ve helped me so much. Thank you
Good afternoon Lise,
Number 3 is something that worries me the most. It’s been a while since her and I have talked however, number three on your list, is the one thing that concerns me the most. Sometimes I wish I could reach out to her and tell her I’d want to be there for her (It’s really not that simple) I guess what I’m saying is I just need to respect her and respect myself and put space between us. I’m more inclined to believe She’s not a bad person. Definitely, she’s a person anyone could find amazing. Plenty of hope and love sent her way that she finds a light to shine upon her so that she might find happiness in her darkest days.
As Always Lise,Luv you and continue fighting this fight that has taken so many beautiful people. Stay healthy and safe inside your body😉🤙🏼
Thank you Raul! I feel your compassion and desire to be there for her. I hope she finds the help she needs to manage this damaging, often life-threatening disorder.
I m addicted to psychology & I learn from direct sources. One of my relatives was diagnosed with BPD . She is high-functioning & highly successful but not happy at all in her married & personal life , interestingly she doesn't have CSA trauma(childhood sexual abuse) she told me - a borderline with CSA can be extremely dangerous to intimate relationship ( whether it's done consciously or unconsciously or out of suspicion it doesn't matter)
Can you elaborate on how it can be bad if they also hve CSA plz
4:50 yes exactly. This resumption of normal is the point where I would simply drop and forget about any emotional or other request that caused the disruption in an attempt to achieve harmony. But it's another invisible lead weight on your psyche
Wow... #1 hit home. Feeling like all my good amounts to nothing definitely takes a toll.
I have BPD. Thank you for this video. ❤
Great video…. Thanks for your insight. 🙏
This is super helpful. Thank you Lise for this and all your videos!
Thank you so much for this. I’m actually experiencing this right now. I am unable to express any feelings I have that may be perceived as negative
Lise you are a breath of fresh air speaking the much needed truth. Please never dilute your message to appease anyone.
@
Isaac Clark Thank you! I needed to hear this today.
wow, your information is spot on to what I’ve been experiencing with my partner. She is not diagnosed and I’m approaching yr 6 trying to make sense of it all. I’m in the worst devaluation phase rn a month before anniversary and proposing this year may never happen. 😞
Would love to make an appointment
EJECT! Don't future fake yourself. It doesn't get better.
@@dannystark7668 I’m definitely no expert but I know my ex wife was a covert narc, 15yrs…did some work figured my codependency and abandonment issues thought I met the exact opposite of my last relationship only to find out a couple of years later I may have been prey. She’s an absolute amazing person and thought maybe a communal narc because she absolutely wants to make everyone happy and has high empathy in those arenas. And takes it almost personally if she can’t get through.
Wow. I also have a girlfriend of 6 years. I’ve wanted to propose but it has been a crazy roller coaster. I just learned what BPD is a few weeks ago and I have no doubt she has it. Minus the suicidal tendencies thank goodness. I love her but I think it’s finally time to move on. The anger outbursts are unbearable. Good luck to you and I hope you heal from it too.
@@KnoTasItSeams no suicidal ideations over here either. It’s a tough situation. It sounds like the self aware bpd folks are doing better and the ones with treatment even better. It’s all about how to help them, help themselves in a time window that doesn’t see us in the ground before we ever have solid good years 😞
....... so incredibly spot on ......... just incredible
I watch your videos and 'like' them even though I'm out of my BPD situation. I just want to boost your signal as high as I possibly can.
My current partner is the epitome of these traits. I hate myself that I even allowed myself to get backed into moving in with her. I'm usually one to want personal space, but that ontop of her random rage and emotional abuse, there's her stunted emotional/ cognitive development.
When I first met my GF (Quiet BPD) she sex-bombed me. When we got together we would always have quite a bit to drink, and then had lots of sex. But her drinking became a problem. She became a different person: hypersexual, almost insatiable (I couldn't keep up), and it seemed to me that she did not care if it was me or some other guy. I had to help her after falling, hurting herself, and passing out many times. She would tell me that she was no good and that she didn't want 'this' (relationship). But I saw the good things in her, and wanted to help so I stayed with her, even through a panic attack that resulted in her going to the emergency room.
After long talks spanning over a year, she has gradually opened up about sexual abuse when she was very young, by a relative, which she cannot recall the details of, and being raped when she had just started HS. Then she stopped drinking altogether. Now she doesn't even ever want to have sex, so we just cuddle and hug.
The way I look at it: it is a vicious cycle - the PwBPD will seek out a partner for casual, wild sex in order to fulfill her need for validation that she is desirable (confusing sex for love and attention/emotionally disregulated), then sex-bomb that partner to keep him from leaving (separation anxiety/fear of abandonment), then feel guilt and shame for her actions (substance abuse and meaningless sex), then sabotage the relationship until the man has been dragged into her problems so deeply that he quits the relationship (burden is off her). Finally, after a short period of loneliness, she starts the cycle up again, with each new engagement becoming more and more wild and kinky (needing more oxytocin and more dopamine like needing more and more of a drug). I also think that this toxic cycle is a way of self-punishment as the PwBPD has extremely low self-esteem, yet it can also be seen as a way to take back control of her body after traumatic sexual experiences.
This is sucha good answer. Are you still with this GF ?
So me being quite conservative, and aware of sex-bombing as a thing before I even knew about BPD. resisted sex from a female PwBPD. And she said how much she respects me, and wants to be with me because of that - no other guy has been able to do that before. Do you think this approach is a good litmus test? I resisted her for a good 8 months, though we made out intensely during that time. But she did seem stunned by my standards and was trying to match it. Unfortunately, recently, she went back to drinking and I said we need space... but I'm leaning towards a break-up after seeing these videos and feeling like there's no hope.
@@TheBoomshine in my experience it is the drinking that is the key to her behavior: she becomes a completely different person when she drinks (and it is always to excess). She becomes both hyper-active and hyper-sexual, while when sober she is reserved and cannot even think of having sex. And when sober she will lie, cover-up, and make excuses for her past bad behavior. I can only imagine what she has done while totally inebriated with other men.
We men have to stop being White Knights and trying to rescue these very damaged women from their past. They may have have bad experiences and been traumatized, but it is their choice not to seek help. You will get pulled into a rabbit hole that you may yourself get hurt and even damaged. So my advice is to break it off. And the only way is to go No Contact.
@@ajgraf6571if you go no contact which is hard, they might come back.
Thank you for this understanding
Hi Lisa, please can you do a video explaining what causes borderline personality disorder and the differences between BPD diagnosis from the differences in the people who only have some traits of BPD but not the full diagnosis. Thank you for all your educational videos on mental health.
Hi Celeste, I will work to create a video on this topic and post it as soon as I can. Thank you for your request!
@@LiseLeblanc that's great thank you!
Holy guacamole, this describes my ex in so many ways! That relationship left me financially in shambles and it took me years to get out of - what a shitshow!
It doesn't matter if you're a strong person in general, you can still find yourself in a relationship like this but once you see, you can't unsee! No way that I will ever tolerate that shit again!
Thank you for the video 😊
Thank you so much for these videos. They are really helping me!!!
I recently got dumped by someone with BPD. I didn't know she had BPD until after the fact. This video and the other about dating women with BPD was like you were describing our relationship specifically. It's been so heartbreaking as I was sure she was the person I wanted to spend my life with, and I couldn't understand her behavior or the perceived cruelty of her choices. Thank you for this video.
I am so awed how you describe my past relationship with Ashley ( My Ex ) I am really starting to understand why things happened....
Crowded House has a great song four seasons in one day worth a listen
Great video on bpd.
My ex had so much rage, anger and destructive tendencies. She is also incredibly beautiful, charismatic and smart. It has been a nightmare.
God you basically explaining my relationship ive been having a hard time understanding how her brain works but this video helps i love my girlfriend so much i wont give up on her because of her bpd its not her fault. Thanks!!
After 5+ years on and off with a BPD gf..reminds me of the movie Wargames 1983: quote "“A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”"
I was so shocked when i realize that my girlfriend have the whole characteristics of bpd, and whats worse is that my mom was also diagnosis with BPD. No wonder i fall in trauma bond cycle. I wanna say thank you very much for your enlightening me. God bless
Hi Lise, your videos are incredibly helpful and informative. I'd like to know where your getting the movie clips from. Maybe it'd be a good idea to post these in the description? Thank you :)
Great idea! I will try to remember to include where the clips are from in the description section from now on. The clips in this video are from Prozac Nation and Good Will Hunting
How can Lise Leblanc describe so well what I've been through for the past 2 years and a half? I'm so heartbroken to see the woman I love going through a hell of emotions. She is not diagnosed but refuses even to do DBT. She'd refuse point blank to get any help, she's just doing CBT.
4:21 that something is often asking for some emotional support from them of some kind. They give what they are prepared to give, and tick a lot of overt boxes to try and prove it, but they are not prepwred to give you what you might need, even if you believe it will cost them nothing to give it to you. That's when the mood often changes IMHO and experience!
I do not forget anything that happened in the prior to emotional change... That is very I'm true for everyone with bpd
Going through a breakup right now with a BPD…..and all you say is true….never wait till things get better.🙏🏻🌺✨
Your world is being turned upside down…..✌🏼
OK, now I don't know if my ex-wife has BPD or NPD. I figured she was a midrange, covert narcissist, but this definition seems to fit her like a glove, too.
I remember early in the marriage one of those, "Oh, crap, she might be crazy" moments when we got in a nasty argument, seemingly over nothing. She stormed off and maybe 30 seconds later came back acting super sweet, kind, and loving.
At that moment I legitimately thought she had a split personality and started researching MPD.
Its easier just to call it cluster B.
That just sounds like she had a lot on her mind that day the way you describe it, these disorders are a lot deeper and more pervasive than that..do you have more serious examples? Dr Phil says he doesnt think the distinction between the two disorders is that warranted
@@gammypage Dr. Phill is a quack who panders to clapping seals.
Here is a video on the differences between NPD and BPD: ua-cam.com/video/7RzKQ3duvDg/v-deo.html
@@gammypage Like you said, what difference does it make which abusive personality disorder she has? The emotional abuse hurts just as much.
PS especially when so many have a bit of both going at the same time.
I'm BPD because I was raped from aged 3 till aged 17. I'm a kind woman. I have a best friend for a long time and we r happy. Sometimes I cry and he comforts me. So Ur saying we r all cruel?
We treat each other with respect
I am so sorry that those crimes happened to you😞
@@mares3841 ty so much
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I’m glad you have someone who is supportive of you
run, my brothers. run for your life.
I have been there and done that, remember men, crazy in the head is crazy in bed but when you are done with crazy in bed you still got crazy in the head. It isn't worth it go find yourself a mentally healthy woman and have a good life.
Been in a relationship with a narcissistic woman for 2 1/2 years it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through the whole room, the breadcrumbing fire lighting everything we have broken up maybe 1000 times she’s so good and bring me back and I will try to cut loose.
I have blocked her many times and she knows how to get me back . I’m not living in the United States and I’m living in a foreign country were Help For, narcissistic or or narcissism help it’s hard to find as I said in this relationship I have done everything in my power. I’ve been the week one and she has pulled me in.
RUN, as fast as you can!!!
great video :) but why cant i put it in to my playlist ? :)
i've never hated myself so much before. these videos.. i wish i never had bpd. :(
There is a medication which is approved by the FDA for epilepsy, Bipolar 1. It also had off label use for
BPD symptoms - evidence based research shows it reduces the following:
1. High reactivity to situations , usually freeze response , e.g being pulled into a random meeting at work
2. Ruminating thoughts
Lamictal I think is the med you’re thinking of
Lise! Recent subscriber, and I'm catching up on your BPD content. Important question, and I dunno how to phrase it, so please bear-with:
So far I haven't noticed you mention much about what treatments looks like. Do you have any knowledge about using any of the following:
Lithium Orotate
Methylene Blue
tDCS with anodal placement over dorsolateral prefrontal cortex
I'm one of the many well-meaning exes of a BPD-bearing girl, and in the process of closing loops and making peace with my own experience, I've been looking at the most promising treatment options I see for people ready to take the condition into their own hands. Those three seem like the most promising to me right now, which is why I bring them up.
Hi Lise, I really love your videos. I just wanted to ask for some clarification on that last statement about abusive behaviour happening repeatedly without apologies and you mentioned it starts to "appear" intentional. If it is not intentional, then what is it? I understand it is emotional dysregulation, but I'm still a bit lost in how it should not be perceived as intentional -- is telling their partner that they will commit suicide if they break up with me not intentional, or spreading false rumours about the partner after the breakup not also intentional?
During my relationship she expressed remorse for what she was doing to me, and she told me that was why she was breaking up with me. But then she switched literally mid sentence and started having the abusive episode screaming asking why I was the one breaking up with HER. I had a panic attack and had to leave. I never told anyone about her episodes, as she's quite well adjusted in social settings and I want her to live a normal life. But I've had to cut off contact with our mutual friends because they think I hurt her.
I really want to find a way to have some rational compassion and come up with a way to truly understand this phenomenon in my life.
It is so dizzying and confusing... I had no idea what I was up against when she told me her past :(
This is a great question and a complex one. The person with BPD gets so emotionally dysregulated when triggered that they can lose access to their rational mind as well as their ability to control impulses. In addition to this, their mind feeds them twisted stories and "evidence" to support the intense emotion they are experiencing, and so their behaviour is often a result of emotional overload without the corresponding braking system or ability to rationally process the situation as a whole. Here is a research article that you may find interesting which explains the neurological aspects of this disorder: bit.ly/3Nr0FKl
This can help you understand why the person with BPD can behave in erratic or abusive ways, as well as the neuroanatomical underpinnings of this disorder.
Thank you for the reference, I will take a look
@@LiseLeblanc that's perfect!!! Explains my ex fiancé abusive behavior, when she misinterpreted the word "delusional!" That triggered her and she lost all sense of reality and control over her emotions!
“I found in my 25 years, I’ve found there’s a significant lack of resources and support for men.” You just got my sub.
Dear Lise,
I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for the incredible work you do as a narcissistic recovery coach. Your videos have been a tremendous help to me in my own journey of healing from narcissistic abuse.
I can tell that you have a genuine passion for this work and that you truly care about helping your clients and viewers to find their way towards a healthier, happier life. Your videos are always full of insight and information, and I appreciate the way that you speak directly to us as individuals, rather than simply talking at us.
Thanks to your guidance, I have been able to recognize the patterns of narcissistic abuse in my own life and to begin the process of healing from the trauma that I have experienced. Your videos have been eye-opening and very informative, and I can't thank you enough for the profound impact that they have had on my life.
I appreciate your dedication to helping others and your commitment to providing a safe, supportive space for those who have been affected by narcissistic abuse. Your work is truly important, and I am grateful for the compassionate, knowledgeable approach that you bring to everything that you do.
Thank you again for all that you do, and I wish you all the best in your future work and endeavors.
Sincerely,
A Grateful Viewer
@Lise Leblanc Thank you for the vid. would you please discuss the difference between Bipolar and Borderline sometime? It is sounding like Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde for both. Thanks
I have both and not all of us are like this it isn't something I can control but I try my best. I take responsibility and go to therapy.
I am scared of people now. Person that ever showed me that she love me has BPD. Always changing moods, it seems to me that she did not care if it was me or some other guy.
Can anyone be obsessed with me and be normal as I am to them ?
Thanks a lot!
Omg how could they be so cruel ?!!!!??
Hard relate 😭
My previous comment vanished, so I'll say it again.
Why is there nearly countless content discussing every aspect of BPD, but nothing on how to bring up the subject to someone that has it, and needs to see about addressing it and getting it treated without sparkling World War 3-10 all at once?
If there is something, I have yet to find it, and I have scoured several channels that cover BPD.
Yeah I married one and gave her two kids. Haven’t seen my boys since the divorce 3 years now. What a nightmare. I hope my boys get away from her and reach out in time. They are only 13 and 16. What a roller coaster. My repeated attempts to have a relationship with my kids have been shot down. Her dad is a multimillionaire and his lawyers made sure she buried me in court with bills and lies. I almost deleted myself if not for the love of a beautiful woman I met who went through similar with her narc ex husband. These bpd losers should be on lithium.
I’d like to add unfortunately one of my boys shows very strong genetic similarities to her. He has zero empathy. Doesn’t even know how to feel. The other is a real empathy showing little boy.
Also, I have must’ve bought about four rings engagement rings, but I’m throwing away her manipulation and promising me basically mirroring me and telling me everything I want to hear financially she has dream to mentally she has trained me and I wish I had some kind of person or a group that I could relate to this kind of narcissistic illness
At the point of devaluation, they don’t remember all the good things we have done and how much we care about them right? Is that temporary? Or they forever lost memory about our kindness and they only remember the recent ones only? I mean, is it a permanent deleted memories; or it is temporary and they will remember again our years of kindness and support?
I think I have bpd. Can you recommend helpful treatment videos? I can't afford therapy and I want to stop hurting the people I love...😢
My partner had bpd and dementia, but the empathy she seemed to display was an act - her true empathy was only expressed as hyper intense periods of obsessive behaviour. Because i noticed this, and heaped her with praise for things that most people would never notice, she began to accept my guidance.
But to keep her in this position i had to be her knight errant at all times, slaying dragon after dragon, to keep up her positive opinion of me. She didn't stop flying away, but she started caming back a lot sooner. She was delighted by the idea that she could just up and leave whenever she wanted and still be welcome back at any time and instantly be made a fuss of.
Even if she called me 500 times my heart would still leap at call 501. if she shouted i would say, you may be a bumble bee, but you wont sting ME! And ring her back after 10 minutes.
This is really interesting but also quite sad. I guess this is something one does to feel needed by somebody? Which is absolutely fine, but unfortunately pwBPD use and abuse your good nature. It's the abuse that I really can't stand and will never accept again.
@@Duzykutas it was partly to feel needed and partly to resolve her inner guilt and feelings of inadequacy - by going into a frenzy in a way that does benefit to others, and draws them in. Cleaning and meticulous attention to appearance fills this function. She wanted to make amends for her abusive behaviour but didn't have any mechanisms to achieve this without exposing weakness. So it's a symptom of emotional deregulation.
@disdroid, were you ever able to get her to a stable place in the relationship? If so long did it take? Would you say she was more willing to work on it than most people with BPD?
@@yc6407 I helped her because of our shared childhood and closeness during our growing up. We reached a very stable place however this only lasted for a few months before she succumbed to a mystery illness and sadly passed away last year.
@@yc6407 I don't know about other people with bpd, however my partner had been to therapy but it had stalled. However she was able to share part of her internal state with others. My theory was that her neurological impairment was exacerbating her condition and prevented therapy from being effective. I came up with a scheme that enabled her to overcome this barrier, and this cleared her mind to the degree that she became aware that she had a disorder and might benefit from a return to treatment. From there it was just a few short weeks before she made a complete recovery. By the time of her death she had become the epitome of peace, love, understanding and wisdom.
I've seen my ex Wife with BPD getting angry. During this moment was like her soul was gone.
I'm sorry that i can't be there for her anymore, but she really destroyed me as well.
Could you do a compare and contrast of BPD and C-PSTD? I don’t know if my ex was BPD, NPD or C-PTSD?
BPD vs C-PTSD: ua-cam.com/video/18llFjKaAQ0/v-deo.html
It’s so true my baby momma, the two extremely positive, extremely negative, I will be walking bing walking on age shall become she can switch any minute , at any minute, at any time
Yep, my ex love bombed me moved me in and then discarded me in an instant but he kept doing these things you’re talking about his personality with shift like almost hourly it was so interesting and exhausting
Thank you for this 🙏
I am a man with BPD, PTSD, and severe anxiety, my girlfriend also has borderline personality disorder, are moods often change togther