Borderline’s Partner: Some Enter Healthy, Exit Mentally Ill (Starts
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- Опубліковано 5 сер 2022
- (Starts 12:10) Borderline requires object constancy, pushes all her partners to develop introject constancy: she is too painful as an external object. Interacting with a BPD external object requires high-effort coping.
To ensure object constancy, the borderline needs to freeze the partner, avoid any change and dynamic, thus provoking in the partner engulfment anxiety and avoidant behaviors.
The partner then reacts with narcissistic defenses and evolved introject anxiety.
To ensure introject constancy, the partner needs to avoid the external object, provoking in the borderline abandonment anxiety and her approach.
The partner responds by trying to secure the borderline’s object constancy (approach).
This leads to approach-avoidance repetition compulsion.
Comment about Freud
Freud distinguished anaclitic from narcissistic object. He was wrong because he assumed the existence of a self and that the narcissist possesses a cathected self. Both assumptions are wrong.
He also equated the roles and importance of the mother and the father in the formation of anaclitic objects in later life. Wrong again. Only the mother counts.
The narcissistic has only internal objects, some of which are self-states. He cathects all of them. Some of these internal objects are anaclitic (maternal) objects.
Self-states are introjects. In personality disorders with introject constancy, attachment to the introjects creates rigidity.
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After my 2nd longterm clúster B relationship I realised I need to look beyond escaping the abuse and take accountability for my choices. I owe myself at least that much.
After my breakup with uBPD gf, i have watched hundreds of hours of videos about BPD (sadly this is my coping mechanism for now) but I have to say your video qas one of the most substantives out there. Thanks a whole lot for this new perspective of the BPD relationship dynamic.
I'm doing the exact same thing after my uBDP partner. All the best. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I'm 58yo!
@@alliwarwick5590Its It's kind of crazy listening to other people describing what you yourself have been through, I'm a bit older than you I would never take mine back I won't say I haven't missed her because in the beginning I did not now its been about six weeks. They block you because they can't handle being held accountable for their behaviour that's the hardest bit for me.
I’ve done this exact same thing.
Same to me, i always try to find some way out to help my gf..... "Ex" in this moment, and i know deep in my soul that maybe is not possible...
Doing the same right now to cope after 5 months relationship. Can you give me some tips? I feel a shelf of my previous shelf, but her love was so intense.
It is crazy how closely he describes my wife. I was beginning to wonder if I was narcissistic, and this struck a cord with me that I needed to hear. I found out about her infidelity, she says caused by my withdrawal from the relationship. Withdrawal caused by her actions, anger, and ultimately diagnosed BPD. She is pregnant and we are unsure who the father is. I snapshotted the woman I fell in love with, and long to interact with her. I am in love with a woman that she wanted me to believe existed, but never did. It is a truly awful thing, I do not wish this upon anybody, even her. I fear very greatly for the child that is coming, hate myself for the role I may have played in creating it. Love really blinds you to a lot. I gave her every excuse in the book and more for her behavior, thinking that over time we could overcome it, until I learned that she intentionally tried to have another man impregnate her because I was no longer giving her the validation her BPD craved. It takes a very, very special kind of person to be able to have a functional relationship with someone like that, and I am learning that I am not one of them.
Been 10 years and my our daughter is 9yo. It only gets more sadistic and worse as you lack the will to leave and face consequences.
You cannot abandon the child if he (she) is yours, but try to distance yourself from this woman -- physically or at least emotionally.
Na mate, you are more than special just for loving the dysfunctional. As for the child ?? well I question myself every day to whether anything is achievable with a BPD mother. I am beginning to think it is best to walk away and wait until the child is a teenager who will come looking for reality.
Sorry to hear that. I had BPD in my teenager years and it caused me to almost die for a couple times. Cant imagine How it would be now. Stay strong! Run away.
Also maybe take the child with you when you run away.
After a relationship with an BPD, you have scar and marks. Some go away, some stay. Seek therapy after a relationship with one. Sam videos should have CC and even dubbed. They are the most perfect for describing those disorders. I think its a matter of public mental health. Just the best. Please, dont go away Sam.
I used to work with ppl diagnosed with BPD, psychotic and depressed. I researched a lot back then and found out the dark triad and secondary psychopathy. It was so difficult to explain to everyone about the dangers of being around them. Felt like daily abuse and crazy making. Glad it's over.
Those people are breaking you in pieces. NPD and BPD😢
This so clearly describes my son's relationship with a borderline. He escaped with his life, but struggles with depression, anxiety, guilt...not to mention the effects on his physical and financial health, as well as loss of reputation. He ruminates over his uncharacteristic behaviors while in this unhealthy dynamic.
He should see a psychologist, just to put everything in to perspective. It seems as if he is still traumatized
As you're describing this dynamic in a romantic relationship, I'm imagining how this dynamic is also present in the mother/son relationship. The mother is married to a narcissist who exacerbates trauma/borderline/histrionic in her, the mother uses the son to compensate, creating the emotional incest/surrogate husband dynamic. And then he in turn does exactly the same is his romantic relationships, and so the cycle of the dysfunctional family ensues.
This!…. I have always wondered why some boys grow up hyper compensating their masculine side, and others the opposite and are unable to stand up for themselves and try to please others.
Me too, "if you had FLIRTED with me, I wouldn't have cheated" Seriously?????
Been victim to this exact dynamic you mentioned. The mother's fear of being abandoned by the son after marriage made her do the most malicious things possible!
First of all thank you so much for this video. I've been in a relationship with a borderline for almost a year. Couple of months in figured this is not normal the way she behaves, did some research on my own and asked her if she has it. She admitted it. No biggie, I'm a champ and can handle it. Just need to be patient and understanding and caring. Long story short, I don't think I can. I'm now avoiding her because I'm getting mindfucked. Hard to keep it casual and friendly. Need to rewatch this video to understand better, thanks again.
@@NMTDelightfulMusic thank you
Patience understanding and caring don’t work Olli. These people will emotionally gut you and leave your carcass on the side of the road. RUN, RUN LIKE HELL
@@MrFirstonraceday I made a longer reply to you but accidentally clicked something.
I'm out, we've been no contact for 4 months now. Thanks for chiming in, and I 100% agree with you, get out.
You cant do anything unless they accept it and want to heal. Run away.
@@MrFirstonraceday Exactlt the advice I was going to post for this fellow.
Run, the sooner the better.
It's for your life.
Laughed at the ~"they would want the attention 380 days a year if they could" 😂 thank you!
This was brilliant, thanks Sam, it answered a lot of questions.
I’m wrapping up a divorce from a very destructive (clinically diagnosed) BPD marriage. My ex-wife moved a narcissist (judging from your 100’s of videos) in to our home, 2 days after our separation 🙄. There’s more, but I’m sure it’s the same as everyone else’s story.
I’m almost 3yrs out of it now, feeling like I want to date again and have almost put my life back together again.
However the most important and healing thing has been to create a healthy happy home for our daughter 🥰
As someone with bpd I think any healthy person would leave at the first sign of untreated bpd
Yes, this was my story. I met and fell in lust with a BPD girl whilst at a retreat in Costa Rica. I only knew her for one week and we only talked. I returned home to England, left my unhappy marriage, destroyed my life and moved out to CR to be with her. Within weeks I knew I had fucked up. I didn’t know anyone else there. And we were living together from day one.
It was hell. I fell into a deep depression and she attacked me for being weak. She said she doesn’t date depressed men.
She lost her job within 3 weeks of me moving there and she expected me to support her.
I told her I would if she was my wife and we were together for a long time and she went mental accusing me of letting her down because she didn’t want to work unless it was doing something spiritual and healing. And I should be a man and support his woman.
The final straw was when I took some time to myself to sit by the communal pool in our apartment block and she bombarded me with messages and phone calls that she was missing me. I told her I’m literally downstairs by the pool and want some time to read alone. And reminded her I had been gone for just 15 minutes and that she was being unreasonable.
She kicked off again saying that i should want to be with her 24/7 and that it’s unnatural to be apart. And that I couldn’t possibly love her if I wanted to be by myself.
She was completely obsessive. I have never felt so engulfed in another. I couldn’t breathe.
I knew I had to get out of this. It was making me so angry and confused. I disliked being around her. I stopped having sex with her and withdrew in all ways.
I booked a retreat in the mountains for the following week and took all of my stuff with me. She was very suspicious and told me repeatedly that I won’t come back. I convinced her I would. I knew I had to escape but also to avoid the craziness.
I cried on the ride to the pickup point as I knew I would never see her again and I could see how wounded and unaware she was. She drove me there.
At the retreat they took all of our phones off of us and I had the most peaceful time away from her. She called me afterwards to meet up and I told her that there was no point. She was very upset. But I was hundreds of miles away and relieved to be going home.
I have not been the same since those crazy 3 months with that girl.
I dated someone with BPD for 3 years. I’ve been no contact almost 7 months. I’m a lot better than at the start but I still struggle with feeling like I also have this personality disorder too. Everything he said was spot on and gave me such insight. Thanks
Keep going, you got this
Yeah it’ll do that!! That’s why I just did as many embodied things as possible to get out of my head bc even meditation wasn’t fixing it. That being said, surfing helped me so much!! Just be patient bc it will be up and down and do things that pull you out of your head & make you feel good!
@@Clevelandsteamer324 that’s me
@@Clevelandsteamer324 Ive only recently been realizing that I still struggle with the guilt. As this person was also diagnosed schizophrenic. I almost have survivors guilt in a way. Currenly processing it
@@Clevelandsteamer324 yeah this person did that, zero remorse
was in a relationship with a borderline. completely destroyed my confidence and emotional well-being. but the drama was addicting. the juice isn't worth the squeeze. get out while you still can.
How do u explain it destroy ur confidence? Did u see it coming or when u were aware twas too late?
@@yasminabelkacemi7938 I knew she had mental issues. One of the things she is diagnosed with is BPD. She went out of her way to make me feel worthless, tried to destroy my confidence out of spite. I was aware of the damage she was doing to me but I had fallen in love with her too deeply and wanted to help her in any way I could. Sadly, that meant taking her constant abuse. The emotional scars will always be there but each day I heal from it. She was the worst girlfriend I ever had but part of me still wants to save her from herself.
Could that have been a co-dependent personality rather than BPD? In another video, by Sam, he mentions co-dependent shifts between the Narcissistic and BPD behaviours. You mention your confidence and wellbeing destroyed, that sounds like someone disregarding your feelings in face of theirs. Smothering may make you avoidant, even resentful, I imagine, but to destroy your own self sense, person would need to shift your reality, actively manipulate you and control you - all of which Narcissists do.
I recall from other videos, where BPD manipulates to not be abandoned, Narcissist manipulates to control and feel above. Gathering from my limited understanding, for your confidence and self-image to be destroyed, you needed someone who pushes you down to make themselves above. But please, feel free to challenge my assumptions. I really don't know enough to speak on this.
@@MartinzW bpd disvalue you after some time, this can take a toll on a persons self image and confidence
Spot on. How wonderful to have the insanity articulated in such a way. God help these people they destroy lives.
Wow this is unbelievably insightful this is exactly what has happened to me with my bpd partner. I even now have a huge fear of being engulfed in any other new relationships
Had a fairly long relationship with a borderline (her admission, not my opinion) woman. She definitely had narcissistic tendencies as well. Zero accountability, never honest, consistently self-serving, angry to an unmatched degree, treated everyone in her vicinity like a game piece, and even delighted in their suffering. Yes, I know not all borderlines are this way. Anyway, the sheer maelstrom of emotions that she'd consume us both with on the daily seemed impossible to calm even the slightest bit. That's why I had to leave. That, and it was clear she wasn't much other than a void.
sounds a bit histrionic
what attracted her to you
so sorry you went through that so awful :( i only found out last year i was borderline (clinically diagnosed) but ive always wanted to get help and know i have always had something wrong going on inside me and behaviourally i asked for help at 16 but my mother told me i was just looking for attention. and 10 years later after a few suicide attempts was diagnosed a borderline. most of my destruction is towards myself because i am aware that i can hurt others so ive somehow trained myself to do it all to myself instead and in therapy now hopefully can learn to stop being destructive to myself and others too.
i know you cant have this person be accountable but hopefully knowing another borderline is aware and wants to become better not worse for themself and others might help a little. I was with an NPD from 14 to 21 and we were both developing our PD's at the same time was fucking horrible i would take alot of accountability but him, never. The abuse from that relationship still effects me so much today. Hope you can recover from this relationship too.
@@tulinbeyduz920 My own former youth and naivety, probably. Although, as I learned a bit later on, she was a person who always felt the need to be in a relationship with someone - she wouldn't tolerate not being in one.
@@nun.9902 It's fine - it was long ago, and I've since tried to move on. We haven't spoken in many years. It is partly my fault for ignoring the warning signs. As for you, I'm sorry you've had it so rough. I hope you don't have to deal with anymore abusive or invalidating people, and I hope you are able to recover from your traumas. I imagine, like you just told me, most borderlines want the same things the rest of us do: to feel contented, and to be loved.
I married a borderline when she fell pregnant. Once the baby arrived her jealousy and extreme acting out progress very quickly within one month and by 18 months she was diagnosed full blown psychosis with Morbid jealousy. Apsolutly indescribable screaming rages, including weapons, even a car. I let her leave our home one day believeing she would return as she usually did. But the NZ female social workers forced her into signing a protection order which two years later put me in jail for two years. Our 3 year old daughter was put into foster care for one year and three months. Watching your lectures Sam Vaknin has saved my life by shining a overwhelming light on my totally confusion and at times blaming myself for her outrageous behavior. Only 2 months ago I was planing to take my own life after my release from prison. Previous to this I toke my now ex-wife into NZ metal health services on several occasions over a two year period. I do believe she still does not have a diagnosis? We need a intelligent man like yourself here in New Zealand. In my country they blame the male and isolate him from his children which only adds another layer of mental health issues for both the father and his children. Once I found borderline personality disorder on your Web site it blew me away how accurate your information is and how nieve and ignorent my countries mental health system is. Thank you Sam Vaknin for your work that probably saved my life. We all deserve better and intend on meeting a normal intermate partner now I'm on the path of recovery from the most infectious frightening personality I have ever known.
I find mental health care in nz is behind the times. It is very difficult to get mental health help.
@@antheaglocer4232NZ is behind the times in many ways,
New Zealand health workers are useless,and always blame the male
The police are no better stay away from her and all government bodies if you want to survive
Wow Jason...what a story. I am so sorry for you. Mine is very similar but she never succeeded to imprison me as the judges saw through her psychopathic second stage when acting out after I started to distance myself thank God. There is nothing comparable to the acting out of a BPD/NRC. The legal system needs to be revamped to require people filing these types of claims to have proof and perhaps go through an evaluation themselves before putting people behind bars for their own acting out. wishing you a full recovery.
@@antheaglocer4232 thanks for your support
Your perspective is invaluable and provides me new insights. It is clear that people with BPD and NPD WILL infect the people closest to them with their disordered ways of thinking and behaving. The best answer for people who desire to be healthy is, as you have said, no contact. BPD has DBT as an effective treatment. But NPD has such a rigid defensive structure; how can they be motivated to change? And besides, there are few who are willing or able to undertake the challenging work of treating those who have NPD. A therapy that heals a narcissist of his/her NPD and is widely accepted and used would change the world. I wish you all the best.
This is revolutionary. Many failed partners of pwBPD will spend years researching what makes the pwBPD tick, and very little on their own behavior. I believe that if you choose to engage with a pwBPD in a romantic relationship you can't be classified as being normal. You might be turned into a temporary bpd or npd of the worst kind, but you have unresolved issues to begin with. A normal well balanced person won't want anything to do with the pwBPD, and I suspect that the pwBPD won't want anything to do with a normal person.
I believe pwBPD will do pre screening and weed out anyone who will see through them or just use them for one night stands. In the relm of the pwBPD, the disordered are considered to be keepers, and make the best long term intimate partners.
This sounds radical, the bpd essentially look normal in the love bombing phase,, yes there are flaws in the other person, but the bpd put a whole false image, now unless you are a licensed therapist, you won't see that in the first phase until it starts feeling off.
This is Horseshit.
@@chelly2468 Case and point.
@LightHouse_222 pwbpd dating emotionally unavailable older men is the perfect shared fantasy. The pwbpd believes that an older gentleman will be more experienced in regulating their emotions, while the older disordered person believes they are capable of saving the pwbpd. They've likely been through this type of relationship before and are addicted to the drama of a relationship with a pwbpd. Some will eventually meet their match and learn to regret getting involved with a pwbpd when they should have known better.
Life is nothing more than a test to see how much you can take.
There are rarely if ever only one side of any dysfunctional relationship. We all have our perceptions of events and repetitive interactions. It is the awareness to recognize one’s own disorders as well as the others and seek recovery for our self. It’s much easier to acknowledge another’s “issues” then our own. I personally have checked off almost every narcissistic behavior list in regards to my husband. I can also as of today check off quite a few of the borderline traits in myself Self Awareness and the willingness to improve is up to me. I cannot force or convince/manipulate him to follow suit. I can only discover, accept and repair myself while renouncing the victim role. Stay present and r NOT resist or aggressively persist. Trust in my own honest intentions. It’s my expectations that have both failed and rewarded me. IDK. That’s what makes this world of polarity so interesting. Growth is often painful. Suffering is habitual and becomes a choice after listening and watching this video and many others. Best ❤to all who patiently read this.
I am going to have to watch this more than once, I can already tell. I already deal with Bipolar 2 and was very recently diagnosed with concurrent Borderline Personality Disorder. I am still learning about the Bipolar, now I have this too to unpack. I'm not in a relationship but I have lost all of my close friends. They've told me they can't handle me. :/ I guess I suffocate? I don't mean to. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.
My bpd wife committed suicide twenty-five years ago. I wish I had known this then. This is the best explanation of bpd relationships I've ever heard. The only resource available at that time was the book, " I hate you , don't leave me." There was no treatment available at that time.
I'm so sorry 😢
My husband is diagnosed bpd. This video just explained EVERYTHING I'm going through. I have been questioning if I in fact am a narcissist or borderline because my behaviors in response to his mirror him. I became verbally abusive in response to his inconsistent behavior and constant emotional abuse when I questioned why he did what he did. I became consumed with one version of him I kept in my mind and avoided (well in my case constantly confronted) the version of him that provided a constant threat. I was engulfed with him so early on. I was the stable partner that had lived on my own supporting myself for years until he came along and wanted me to be his rock. I supported him and encouraged behaviors of growth but he held onto ideas of me that wouldn't allow me to continue growing. I became jealous when he wouldn't give me attention mirroring his own abandonment issues because of the cycle that left me confused out of disregulation and confused by the extreme attachment he showed me but then behaved completely irrational and as if my feelings weren't valid. The constant trying to explain why my feelings mattered and my constant perplexing at every surprise behavior just set me up to behave as a narcissist/bpd person mirroring him. My mind is blown.. thank you for this complicated yet spot on explanation of why I ended up where I am today. I never had the best attachment style but I think that is partially because I might be an empath. I feel things intensely and feel people's energies. I have this undying need to have someone reciprocate that empathy and desire for deep connection. But then I fell in love with a bpd who gave that to me in love bombing and have been stuck in this cycle ever since.
I'm glad I read what you had written, I found myself mirroring my partner playing her silly games she would deliberately delete texts she sent if I didn't answer immediately. Put no kisses or put loads on ,when I questioned her about it the would say I haven't got time to put kisses on them. She had me paranoid, causing horrific anxiety coupled with infidelity the woman was a pathological liar to the very end Im glad Im out of it but it certainly damaged me beyond repair.
Thank you for this!
Your clarity is exceptional!
I was pretty sure her behaviour was changing me, two wasted years it all makes perfect sense now. I knew she had issues but never realised how sick she actually is until very recently, thanks to all the information i have gleamed on the net i just wish i had done this when i noticed the pattern very early on in the relationship. Here's to getting back to the old me and making myself top priority for a change, she will never change her toxicity, alcohol abuse, infidelity, constant mind games are no longer my problem.
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is any reaction, both are transformed" -Carl Jung
Amazingly precise!
Great day to wake up to Sam Vaknin.
Thank you Professor Vaknin, this explains my 7 year relationship with a Borderline... And I have now just exited quite mentally ill. Getting accused of being a narcissist abuser, when I know I'm not one, but can see how I have sometimes behaved like one. Have two ex partners assuring me I'm not an abuser, when I feel guilty for some of the terrible things I have been pushed past my limits to do. I knew there was a reason I liked you immediately. My three favourite academic subjects being Physics, Psychology & Philosophy. And am going to see an old 'Zionist' friend of mine this week for much needed support, who I've not seen for years.
I can't get enough of your deep insights. Hope that's enough narcissistic supply for you for now, lol.
My God! What you are explaining is too much for me !!! Wonderful! Incredible!
So right... Very, very accurate and in line with all that had happened.
Thank you for these videos, I'm finding them very helpful.
I'm blown away. I really appreciate your work. Thank you so much for taking the time to educate us. I really needed it.
Amazing content, as always! So grateful for all your teachings! Thank you, Sam!
That video was immensely helpful.
That was excellent. and spot on. I will watch again so that I can fully understand the BPD personality. Thank you for explaining as simply as possible this very complex trait.
THANKYOU FOR THIS. It’s like you were inside of my relationship
Again Sam thankyou ... I can see this dynamic with my brother and co. No wonder I, the fool running in to try and save the situation was the one ultimately scorched.
This gave some extremely helpful clarity regards my actions and interactions with my internal object and you put into words the awful feeling of when the tolerable snapshot that I took from her collides with her chaos, I would do anything to stop that anxiety eating sensation.
Absolutely mindblowing. Explains the dynamic perfectly. What a nightmare
Sam you are a genius.
Unbelievable Insights
I relate to this, thank you for making this video. I was in a relationship with a bpd woman and it really alienates you without even realising it.
Very helpful conceptualization of the relationship psychodynamics.
This video saved my life. Thank you.
Having a mother like this is a real treat, too.
The mother of my son is a BPD. Do you have any suggestions or advises to help a child growing with this type of person ? Books or other ressources ? Thx u
I'm sorry ma replies are disappearing as soon as I poste them. @@AmOn9
@@loismendelsohn3210 thank you so muche
I wish I could take a full week holidays just to watch your videos from morning till night!! Absolutely great content and so much stuff to learn!! Keep on 😃👍🏼
Thank you. Your explanation of this concept helped bridge a gap in my understanding.
brilliant explanation. Describes the dynamic of my past relationship like no other author ever came close! You Sir are a gift to the world.
When they drive you into your mind, and you’re interacting with that image or avatar version of them… the said part is they’re typically the ones who create that false image of them selves in your head in the first place.
professor Vaknin, thank you.
Thank you amazing knowledge i appreciate your work and making it easy to understand.😊👍🏻
Perfecto! 👌🏽 Tqvm Professor! Appreciate it very much 🙏🏽 It gives a clear understanding of the borderline's modus operandi... Such vital information has been summarised & well articulated like a storyline, making it easier to understand... God bless & stay cool, Professor 🫡
Best explanation for the fear that you’re turning into a narcissist and the inability to move on and get them out of your mind. My grand mother was diagnosed acute bipolar/manic-depressive in the sixties. Probably borderline really. My mother and aunt are skewed mentally. I was a target for this woman I dealt with. It didn’t take much for me to fall for her, feel bad for her, desperately want to be her white knight. At the same time know it was all bullshit and I should not have anything to do with her. I got hurt bad and the shame and guilt will never go away.
Excellent video. Explains my current relationship with my BPD wife
It totally makes sense to me now looking back at the dynamics
Thank you for this realistic point of view. This is very difficult to hear, but so necessary. It makes me want to be an adult for once and work on my bpd. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for explaining the title 👍🌈✨
This is so true
My husband has BDP and recently after 7 years of marriage and once a month episode's I start to doubt my self being a narcist or having narcissistic treats. It's very difficult 4 me as a mother not been able 2 protect my children through his monthly episodes aldo I'm aver the I'm most of the time the trigger 4 his episodes. Thank U Professor 4 Your videos, they mean so much 4 me through my struggle.
Wow! Sam, you blow my mind. I'm not completely finished with the vid yet, but had to comment on what I just heard. It makes sense now. My ex GF could not be alone for a second. I smoke cigarettes, if I went outside for a smoke she would almost cry and beg me to go back to the room she was in, same if I even used the restroom. She would clamor, "where are you? Come back!". I always thought it was odd behavior. Eventually, I would feel guilty and try to get back to her wherever she was in the house to soothe her. I realize now that my trying to soothe was on me, but this really struck home. I've literally experienced this. it was so odd and I started to think that I was to blame for not being there for her, that she needed me and if I wasn't there that I was letting her down, even though I knew it was odd behavior.
It is creepy how they manipulate you to act against your own self-interest.
My ex used to do that when I off to the bathroom in the middle of the night... It's strange though and we allowed such baby like behaviour...
My ex gf did the same, and her father even started sending messages to me because how angry he was seeing her like that. Each day i started to avoid her because i was tired, and in the ending, she tried to kill herself (she said later that it wasnt her intention, and it was for calling atention)
I quit smoking, my ex got home and wouldn’t leave me alone in the house. Made sure I went out when he smoked every single time. I’m smoking again. Not his fault. Mine.
You just brought so much clarity into what happened to me with a bod partner.
Gosh my wife left with our 9 month old when her aunt arrived the moment the travel ban was lifted. They were supposed to spend some time away. What I didn’t know was that her mom funded an attorney and she filed for dissolution and rather then discuss it she pushed therapy which she never did attend. Instead she used my getting therapy as a way to build a stronger case for custody and by the time I got notified thirty days later, she had already gotten the courts to award her full custody. She had no intention of co-parenting and it became very obvious by her actions as she ended up moving back to her mothers in the uk with our girl who will be two in Feb. it’s been a very difficult year, mom doesn’t even send me a photo of my baby , zero nothing , it’s beyond belief and unimaginable. Gosh. Very sad.
Job well done!
Hitting the nail on the head.
Excellent video.
This explains a lot!!
I've become avoidant after discard...
As research has shown, borderlines are capable of changing their coping mechanisms. Very good insights, but from personal experience: if you truly love your partner, you want them to be happy more than you care about not being abandoned. If that is the case and there is enough self-awareness and some baseline of healing that you have done to reach a more stable place within, you will support and encourage positive change in them, even if it means having to face your abandonment fears. Love is the best healer, what borderlines really seek is someone to accept them for who they really are and once that happens, they can stop testing the other person's love constantly. Although the impulse is still there and it still happens , there will be a baseline of trust that helps to overcome the moments of anxiety quicker and it is possible to reduce these behaviors over time if the partner is consistent, and patient and there is honest communication and the borderline takes responsibility over their behaviour and works on it as if their life depended on it (because it does).
Good points. Watch this: ua-cam.com/video/wy7526-ysCM/v-deo.html
Still, how does even the most patient partner overcome incidents of egregious acting out involving, for example cheating, including with best friends or strangers?
You obviously have not been, with someone with bpd, The constant belittling, accusations, dangerous driving, destroyed house goods, harmed enfants. And apologies and depressions , super caring and loving and go back to the hate the insults ... its a vicious cycle and patience is not the case here my friend, you would have to be with super human strength to survive this.
that sounds so hard and I am sorry you had to go through that. Truth is, love is sometimes not enough, no matter how loving the partner is. Until borderline partner doesn't learn to love themselves and craves for validation constantly, there can be no stability. And I would like to see the statistics on borderlines who have been able to change their behaviour, but it seems rare... You only fell for it, because she too believed in it but just wasn't capable of living up to it in reality :( @@roobz-wav I hope you now can find more balance in relationships without trying to save someone until sinking with them but supporting each other mutually. You are a kind good man, never lose that, but seek to receive the same.
@@AnneliSnow it's true, love isn't enough... and it is so painful when you truly love your partner, but something they never asked for or deserved (bpd) gets in the way of something that should offer safety and healing (the otherwise good relationship that gets destroyed).
Wow, to have someone explain this so succinctly is really calming, having a name for someone's behavior helps.
Wow, that helps explain a lot about my relationship
Fantastic stuff. Wow
Brilliant work Sam....thanks for the sharing of your mind - with such great articulation
Cheers
All I can say is amazing
Wow this video made me cry. I have not been diagnosed with BPD officially. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and Bipolar. Back in 2010 my doctor mentioned BPD but didn't diagnose me. In 2015 the memory came back to me and i have been researching and learning about BPD and I feel like I might be BPD. 😢 it hurts me to think that Im this horrible especially to my partner because I adore him when im not hating him because of his avoidance personality but after watching this video I understand my partner better. I feel so bad for him.
Thanks for not budging for male and female femenists pressure.
Wow, there is a lot of truth to things happen for a reason and timing is everything, thank you, thank you, thank you Prof. Vaknin! My youngest daughter reached out to me today via text, after not seeing her for months because of him and abuse of his powers (he is a divorce atty). He had taken away her phone, but gave it back to her to contact me, which was a manipulative act. If it wasn't for you Prof I would of acted in a reactive way expressing rage and anger, instead I took your advice and said nothing negative about him and supported her after she said she would like to stay with me for a few day, maybe even weeks (she is only 14). I said I am always here for you and will never turn my back or abandon my children. Not once did I mention him, this is NOT the reaction he would expect from me. I cant thank you enough!!!!
Good job!!
@@rubberbiscuit99ty ♥️
@@fulloffiresagittarius2944 Keep the faith, and keep following this path. It will give your child a model for healthy behavior, and allow her the space to choose for herself. This is respect, and respect is love. ☮️
@@rubberbiscuit99 Thank you for the kind words, advice and support. Sending love and light your way :)
@@fulloffiresagittarius2944 and back to you
Incredibly apt picture of what it’s like to be with a borderline.
Thank you so much. I have been watching your videos on narcissism and wondering if I was one, but strictly because of who I became in relationship to this woman, who I now strongly believe has BPD misdiagnosed or impartially diagnosed as ASD
This is so informative and helps stop the crazy making. I hope you do a video about parent/child relationships. Is it possible to have a relationship with a child who is narcissistic?
There was a couple in my friends group that I set out to determine who was the narcissist in the relationship or were both narcissists. The female is diagnosed with BPD and the male had definite narcissistic behaviors.
Everything described in this video portrays the relationship perfectly and why I was questioning the possibility of the male being a narcissist.
After watching this video and many others on this channel, I've learnt that my ex is a very damaged person, probably caused by her parent's abuse or neglect when she was a child in some ways it help to take the pain away, in reality she needed me so much yet at the same time dose not want you, I know look at everything very different and understand that her mental health is what changed me, I become nervous and filled with anxiety not knowing what reaction anything I sid was going to be met with, the real sad part is my love and wanted to make her feel special and love us the everything that destroyed her and at the same time slowly destroy my mental health, I now look at the pain she caused, all the arguments, name calling, insults, being told that I did wrong by buying her something she want and for a breth moment made her happy and feel love and suddenly she felt over powered and had to push me away again, it used to be confusing and hurt so much that I couldvneber get it right if you did you was wrong, if you did not you was wrong, I know know that maybe if she was to admit she has a problem and address it properly ymshr might have s chance of braking the cycle, unfortunately her children are starting to show sings and traits that they are possibly just as damaged as she was when she was a child, after everything I realised that I had changed she had changed and we were both slowly destroying each other in our own needs for each other and our love of being together in thr being was what destroyed us in the end, I still love her and care about her I think I always will, but I know that together we toxic, 3 times we have been back together everything it started at the top and was amazing but that's the best part it only get worse from there and slowly but surly we both destroyed each other emotional anf mentality, I found my self suffering for headaches, I started to put weight on, now 3 mouths out amd I've lost the weight, my headache have got better, we shaire a child and she has a new partner now, she told him do much that's untrue, twisted and neglecting to take in to account that she cause me to have a mental brake down as much I caused her the same, the new partner has threated me, he trying to up set me saying he a step dad yet he's only been qith her 3 month at the max, it'd like I told her boy friend you don't understand the situation but give it time and will inderstand, I've tried to explain it to her but she won't listen, so I now have a child with a mother that Hates me due to splitting suddenly I went for all good to all bad and replaced qith in day if not replaced before she finally jump to the next partner and now say it was all me look I'm happy and you the one stuck watching stupid videos and reading book
Professor Vaknin, this is so helpful to me! Your insight, particularly being pressured to the point of narcissistic behavior, was spot on. Does BPD behavior affect family members and close friends in the same way? Do the dynamics play out the same as with a marriage mate? An adolescent child certainly would be under great pressure if parents are caught in this kind of whirlwind.
I watched almost all of your videos and with each video I was convinced that I needed to escape from my partner narcissus. After this video, all my constructions built in my head collapsed and I felt sorry for my partner again😁 thank you for the cognitive dissonance)))
I think my bf is a bpd. This video enlightened me. I have to save my mental health before it’s too late
Geee thanks for best explanation i heard .... i work with bpd and i can tell they are draining
This is so spot on. Jesus, I need therapy… I’m broken.
How you doing now, David?
Wow - this describes exactly what I am going through....
My almost ruined my life. It’s taken me two years to get physically and emotionally healthy again. Working on getting my career back on track.
I really enjoyed the disclaimer
Put a smile on my face first thing
Its gonna be a great day
Dr Vaknin, does this video apply to the borderline parent as well? My mother (suspected her of being a borderline) was always furiously sabotaging me travelling, having friends, getting a driver's license, anything that could make me even 1% more independent and perceived it as personal attack. After a very violent separation and me moving to a far away different town she became almost obese, alcoholic and addicted to psychiatric drugs (mainly xanax and zoloft).
Thank you once again professor. Brilliant! The dynamic you described cannot be any closer to my ex BPD partner and myself. Leaving the relationship has restored physical-mental health and eradicated these inversions/contagions you describe from my life. Though what happens to the borderline's representation of you (i.e. inconstant introject) when the external object is no longer present, say after a final discard or the relationship has ended? You described this in your video about the narcissist but don't think it was explained for the borderline.
The BPD Person has no stable Introject of you. You don't exist in their mind anymore, when you leave the room.
You're telling the story of my marriage exactly
Pretty complicated stuff. I´ll have to study some more.
Class is in. ❤ 😍 💖 ❣ 💕 💘 ❤
OK shoshannim
So interesting it’s like spiritual warfare think you are great
As I read these comments, cases of assumed BPD partner destroying them, can that be the case? If assumed BPD person disregards the partner's feelings, put theirs in front and "destroys" them instead of them becoming more narcissistic as a response, doesn't that signal more of a Narcissist than BPD? And based on your previous videos, could those what-seem-like-extreme cases be also dating Co-dependent personality? From what I remember, you did mention Co-dependent can shift between BPD and Narcissitic behaviours.
I have a question based on example:
a person who might be borderline (manages themselves through outer objects, follows around partner,...), in person being very much like this however remotely, through online communication, while wanting to chat all the time even ready to sacrifice her sleep, is respectful of the partner hanging with friends, not being there to respond online and only gets overly excited when partner comes back online. During the hours of absence she might try to draw attention by pretty harmless stories of other people drama, selfies and what not but never punishes after or complains for not responding. Consider that relationship is early and not officially established.
What would you guess is the case here? Is she self-aware borderline, trying to manage herself? Is she the full case of borderline however doesn't feel like partner is "secured" enough as a relationship state so she maintains active effort until it will be in "secured" state by which point she will use more harmful, self-centered manipulations? Is it more of a co-dependency?
Naturally, with such short example, it's hard to assume but if you had top educated guesses, I'd appreciate an insight. I've also watched your previous videos so excuse perhaps my inability to properly understand.
I've been living like this for 15 years now. I'm mentally sick by now. We only have a real-life experience when we are alone. No one can be around us. If I don't answer a WhatsApp message in 2 minutes, it's because I'm avoiding her. Avoiding/approaching.......................
QUESTIONS : Why would/does a "'truly' healthy partner put up with BPD behaviour to begin with, and over time ? Simply because one does not recolonise a dynamic ? (would this not point to a transaction heavy or codependent schematic to begin with.........or maybe the definition of healthy has changed.....i'll need to check wikipedia) Why are the narcissistic behaviours/tendencies taken on by the partner only temporary , what intricacies are at work that are not in the making of a narcissist in childhood ?